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issue 3, epiphany 2007



Male student enters Old Elvet student health

Mandy: You students, eh! What’s that
then, five, six?
Male: Well, none really.

LADY DIANA practice.

Nurse: Did you use a condom?
Male: (Surprised) What? No, I’ve got a
Mandy: (Incredulously) None?!
Male: (Sheepishly) Yeah, none.
Mandy: Bloody hell, well there’s a first

DEAD sore throat and a headache.

Nurse: That doesn’t sound like
for everything I suppose. Does it hurt
when you urinate?
Male: (Now very angry) Of course it
Male: Well that’s ‘cos it’s not. It’s a sore does! It’s a frigging sore throat; it hurts
throat. all the time, regardless of whether I’m
Nurse: Gonorrhea? pissing or not! Look, is there anything
Male: (Getting irate) No, a sore throat. you can do for my throat?
Nurse: (Ignoring him) Mandy, come in Nurse: Do you think a condom would
here. help?
(Mandy, another nurse, enters) Male: (Patronisingly) Well, no, not
Nurse: Mandy, this lad says he’s got a really.
sore throat. Nurse: Sorry, can’t help you then.
Mandy: Could be Herpes. How many (Rugby player enters, being held up two
times have you had sex in the last week? team-mates and bleeding profusely
Male: (Looking embarrassed) Well I’ve from the leg)
been going through a bit of a dry patch Mandy: (Indignantly) Crabs; Room
recently. Four.

Iraq Troops to be
brought out ‘bit by bit’
Matt Hindle but emphasised the importance of hearts
and minds. Parts of the army will remain
Tony Blair has announced plans for a step- in the Basra region, but only those which
1961-1997-2007? by-step withdrawal of troops from Iraq. are "physically stuck" to buildings.
Nick Collins the evening, as a brave pigeon He revealed that the operation
was in fact already underway, having
messenger arrived at the Stockton
started almost as soon as Saddam was
Students in Stockton were in shock library front desk some ten years
last night as news arrived that Lady after being dispatched from Speaking to Parliament, Blair said:
Diana Spencer, former wife to Durham Cathedral. Stockton, a "Troops are coming out of Iraq
Prince Charles and mother to sons small hamlet of Durham, has been bit by bit. This morning 500 arms were
William and Harry, had been killed reliably provided with news via flown back to Britain, and later today we're
in a car crash in Paris in 1997. pigeon post by the bishop of expecting almost as many legs."
The story is believed to have Durham for centuries... He refused to be pushed over a “They’re coming home,” Blair in
filtered through in the late hours of Continued on Page 4... schedule for the removal of major organs, denial? Iraq leg-acy hunting?
MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 2

Local News for Local People

David Lloyd

News has reached MH that the

GCSE Rebranding
higher echelons of the Durham Alaric Green modernising the learning
elite have begun to supplement umbrella and allowing those less
their already freakish daytime GCSEs have received a complete bright to shelter under it too;
obsessions with activities of an re-branding after an official widening the goalposts for the
altogether darker origin. announcement from Downing underachievers if you will."
Upturned collars and black Street this week. "The Further developments to
pashminas have been sighted Government has become aware the scheme have recently been
surreptitiously sneaking into that a significant proportion of outlined in a scratch-and-sniff
darkened alleys and congregating those who sit national tests these government document. Flagship
in abandoned warehouses. The days are actually unable to spell initiatives, including diplomas in
precise purpose of these the acronym GCSE without two 'life skills' for any girl not
gatherings remains shrouded in or three mistakes," said a pregnant by her 15th birthday
mystery, but inside sources have spokesperson for the Ministry of and a quota of easier 'open-
linked the events to the return of Education, with an accent. access' subjects in all major
the illegal and highly dangerous "It has therefore been universities such as football trivia,
category of boxing known in suggested that the tests are interpretive hairstyles, and
Durham patois as ‘banterweight’. henceforth simply referred to as geography, are due to be
A perversion of the noble sport 'Es.' Our research tells us that implemented by 2008.
of CHAT (Conceiving of young people will at least want to The spokesman
Homosexual Allegations Towards get hold of them then. They'll concluded: "In the modern era,
others), illicit networks of mainly involve altogether more we realise that it is a very unjust
‘banterweight’ organisations have straightforward and uneducated society which refuses to allow
been causing problems in several questions." thick people the chance to pass
other universities including St. He went on to add (a tests. As the Lib Dems have
Andrews, Exeter and Edinburgh. concept which had to be shown us, it's the taking part that
Our source declined to comment explained to two listening 'E' really counts – deliberately setting
upon details of the practice, but maths students): "We are in no questions knowing that certain
one thing became clear to this way widening the goalposts for proportions of the candidates
reporter – the first rule of the underachievers. Education won't be able to answer them is
banterweight is not to talk about standards are as high as ever they unfairly discriminating against
banterweight. have been. We are simply idiots."

EDITORIAL for student journalism really

Environmental WARNING
A warning to all those
does have the capacity to change
lives. It shortens them.
Still, if you can handle

Siddharth Khajuria emissions have expanded order to ground carbonating
considering joining the ranks of it, write for us, please?
the renowned sceptics at
MostlyHarmless: each satirical Editors:
sentence you send in could be Siddharth Khajuria
your last. A US study published Magnus Taylor
following recent reports of obese aeroplanes. Said leading yesterday has shown that ‘cynical Deputy Editor:
Durham University bigwigs have Carbon footprinting. As such, ’mentalist chief, Madison Adams, distrust’ dramatically increases Tom Walker
advised students to be alert when ’mentalists are reportedly slashing ‘the world is getting hotter and the risks of heart disease.
their parents come to collect 4x4 tyres at Durham, Edinburgh holidays to hot places are making Subeditorial:
Apparently, a cynical Nick Collins
them at term-end. Reports of and Bristol Universities at the end the world hotter and I don’t like mentality is responsible for Ben Grafton
Environmentalist mentalist of term. heat. It makes duvet companies increasing inflammation to Rich Hadden
chatter have been picked up by Moreover, leading redundant, and my daddy makes potentially fatal levels. We’re not Anton Lazarus
intelligence services. ’mentalist organisation GreenWar duvets for a living.’ told where this inflammation Tom Rosenthal
It is believed that are advising activists to run into occurs. I, for one, find myself Jules Shipway
’mentalist plans to offset Carbon airports screaming ‘Jihad’, in becoming inflamed with Rob Sykes
apoplexy at the sight of Mitchell Graphics
and Webb doing the Mac Clarice Holt (cartoons)
adverts, but I’m not sure if that Jack Logue (images)
counts. One thing is clear, Copy:
though – becoming a full-time Lucy Davies, Alan Kerr
doubting Thomas is a risky Marketing:
business. Ian Chapman
Think carefully before
sinking to the misanthropic Produced by:
depths to which we lower
ourselves in every issue of MH, 0845 1300 667
Green politics.
Page 3 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Bird Flu’s coming Rom-antics

to get you survive the first wave of bird flu.
Andrew Tickell

Academy award-winning director

Roman Polanski is to deliver a
series of motivational speeches to
completely overridden. How can
this be right?”
“I know none of the
actors I’ve worked with have ever
asked me about it. Why should
The unfortunate thirteen will go convicted paedophiles and sex they? They’re not hypocrites,
experience a series of symptoms, offenders as part of the 2007 they’re just meritocratists. Good
which we like to call "The Three L’École Pédérastique tour of on them, I say.”
Steps to a Miserable Death" France. The programme seeks to The director shares the
(available as a leaflet and wall- identify talented child offenders stage with Professor Paul Francis
poster from your local Post and help them escape the “the Gadd, who will address the
Office, and as a PDF file supine state of perpetual apology Annual NAMBLA conference of
accessible on our website dominating Western sex offender the L’Ecole on the “Paedophiles’ communities.” Aesthetic in History”, strongly
1) Organ cannibalisation. This is Drawing on his own arguing for a distinct and valuable
when your liver attacks and eats experience of raping a 13-year sex offenders’ identity, which has
your pancreas. In response, your old girl, then fleeing for Paris, the enriched and embroidered
stomach performs a kamikaze prominent film director of The artistic, teaching and religious
suicide; spilling hydrochloric acid Pianist and Rosemary’s Baby movements across the world. “It’s
into your lower intestines. argues that it is time to give fair to say that they (sic) haven’t
2) Avian transmutation. This is “intelligent paedophiles” less had the historical recognition
when your hair falls out, and you flack, and recognise their they deserve.”
start to grow feathers. Your nose achievements in society. “We live If any readers would be
will harden to form a beak, and in a meritocracy. If you’re good at interested in attending the 2007
your arms will bend to form your job, if you’ve got talent, you scheme, please send an e-mail to
primitive wings. In other words, succeed, right? But, if you
you'll look like a complete idiot, happen to dip your wick outside listing your name, age, address
and if you'll most likely be society’s comfort zone, this is and IP number.
Don’t let him near your children...
Matthew Doran and then been promptly gassed
by the heroes of DEFRA.
mocked by small children
wherever you go.
3) Dignity nullification. This is
Bird flu's here at last. Finally
DEFRA can reap the rewards of
Remember foot-and-
mouth? It wiped out nearly half
where you become socially
retarded. You may start to take an Library in
its alarmist propaganda. The
avian plague-of-death is upon us:
of the United Kingdom's rural
population [based on the findings
interest in local politics, and begin
wearing cagoules and hiking Superbrothel
repent, sinners! Else meet thy
doom in a pit of rotting swans
and rabbits. (To be completely
honest, the rabbits had nothing to
of a questionnaire we handed out
a primary school]? If we at
DEFRA hadn't taken it upon
ourselves to drink sambuca, and
boots. If you had any friends left
after the effects of Step 2, you'll
lose them during Step 3.
Homeless people won't accept
Siddharth Khajuria efficiency gains such a service
do with the whole fiasco, but we then drive around the farms in a your spare change, and your own would provide brothel
killed them all just in case.) Hide land rover, arbitrarily machine- mother will begin to resent you. In an expansion of the managers.
in your bomb shelters and stock gunning flocks of sheep, you Also, your head might fall off. Government’s policy of Vice Chancellor
up your food, because this is the poor sods would all be dead by There you go, folks! It's spreading vice through the Kenneth Calman is also
real thing. This is the pandemic now. And sure, we may have hit a going to be a long and painful
that surely spells the end for few farmers along the way, but if
country’s most deprived areas, believed to see the venture as
few years ahead. Now that you
humanity as we know it. it's a crime to love one's country Durham Library has the perfect opportunity to
know the facts, it's time to kick
Well sure; the human so much that one is willing to start the whole affair. If you see a
succeeded in its bid to become pluck remaining University
death-count in Britain is zero, and shoot country-folk in the pursuit dead bird, try to lick it, or if this the UK’s first super-brothel. departments out of the centre
the 50,000 turkeys died because of a successful isn't possible, trick a small child Following the failed of Durham and place them
we gassed them, but these are just culling, then I'll into doing so. bid to have the library open 24 upon the Hill. Durham’s
thoughtless statistics! They're march to jail with Bird flu is coming hours, University Staff chose Historians are reportedly
designed to make you 'act a song in my whether you like it or not, and to utilise the building when delighted at the prospect of
sensibly'. The sensible bastards heart. you won't survive without closed. It is believed that the working besides a cutting-edge
won't be laughing so hard when According to our DEFRA bid’s success hinged on the New Labour whorehouse.
they've all mutated into chickens predictions, only
unique nature of the Library’s That, and being closer to the
at the hands of the H5N1 virus, about one in fourteen people will
short-loan section and the library.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 4

Cameron Bashing Diana Nick Collins (from front page)

This incident of delayed
news has added weight to demands
for the internet to be introduced to
Stockton, in the absence of any
Because someone’s got to... reliable form of contact with the
...but it seems that this particular surrounding world. Stockton lies
Richard Hadden is, quite frankly, just as dogs onto the Cameron. The bird, or ‘Ernie’, as he was fondly too far away from civilisation to
disgusting.” Paxman species (Howardem known by monks at Durham receive television or radio signals,
Leading Conservatives called on Originating last year Interroganesis) is specially-bred for Cathedral, was delayed by an and national newspapers refuse to
the government last night to about the time of the hunting, and can stalk its prey for unfortunate combination of deliver to the small rural
enforce last year’s ban on blood Conservative Party leadership hours before unleashing vicious unusually inclement weather, and a community due to its treacherous
sports, following an outbreak of election, ‘Cameron Bashing’, say attacks, normally brutal hyper-sensitive migrational hill passes and laughably low entry
the particular vile practice of critics, is a vile and ignoble interrogations over taxation instinct. Biologists at Durham requirements. “It’s sort of like
‘Cameron Bashing’ by left- practice, which leads to the grim policies, which disable the University department believe that letting yourself down,”
any extended period of rainfall commented one delivery driver.
leaning satirical magazines such destruction and possible Cameron long enough for the
may have caused Ernie to fly south “You just think…it’s not worth the
‘Bashers’ to batter it to death
immediately, and estimate that, effort, or the embarrassment of
with heavy clubs (typically the since being dispatched by the saying you went to Stockton.”
Saturday edition of the The bishop in 1997, he could have However, it seems that
Guardian). migrated back to Togo up to 72 the pigeons won’t be out of a job
Supporters of Cameron times. just yet. “Most of our students
Bashing, including the Students at Stephenson can’t tell their arse from their
moderately shady Labour Party and John Snow colleges are elbow,” commented one member
organisation, have hit back, launching a protest today, of staff. “What’s the point of
citing an undercover BBC report demanding an extended police giving them computers? It’ll take
(filmed by Andrew Marr wearing inquiry into Lady Diana's death. them a term to get past the basics
a ‘hat’) which shows leading Incensed at the press’s role in the of minesweeper. Far too much
Tories engaged in the sport of incident, protest organiser Wayne hassle.”
‘Brown Baiting’. Whilst not Thomas said: “This can be no Meanwhile, Ernie won’t
actually illegal, and actively coincidence. This is part of a press be delivering any more messages
encouraged in the back streets of conspiracy to generate a for a while. On his arrival in
Kircaldy, Brown Baiting involves sensational story. Or it's that evil Stockton, he was greeted as a hero,
Prince Philip trying to get his son’s and immediately given an
tying Gordon Brown to a
meddlesome ex-wife out of the honourary degree and fellowship
MostlyHarmless personified? wooden stake driven into the
way. Or some kind of CIA plot in philosophy. He now resides in
ground and taunting him with
about something. It’s as clear as private rooms in John Snow,
as Mostly Harmless. extinction of the cuddly comments like, “What colour is daylight.”
Said the Shadow Cameron species (Voidus the lampshade in the master
Defence Secretary, Liam Fox
MP: “The government went out
of its way to ban Fox Hunting
last year, despite huge uprisings
politiquensis). The ‘sport’ allegedly
involves traditions such as
‘harrying’ (the following of the
Cameron round parliament
bedroom of Number 10?
Wouldn’t you like to know!”.
Having enraged the Brown,
participants normally retreat to
Siddharth Khajuria They know you’re doing an Arts
amongst minority groups such as whilst giggling), ‘lampooning’ avoid being ‘clunked’ (hit with degree your parents are scared of
the landed gentry. But now it (the throwing of sharpened vicious lumps of rhetoric such asThey’re offering you chocolate and all you want to do is earn a bit
appears they are reneging on ‘lampoons’ – bits of unused “Och”, “You young
money and exclaiming of money so that you can go save
their promise to outlaw the wind turbines) and ‘asking whippersnappers” and “Look at ‘Profitunity!’ They’ll be thrusting Africa with the few spare weeks
innocent massacre of small furry questions about policy’ (the the size of my economic cookies into your hands outside left in September, when the Sudan
animals. If my tweed-donning asking of questions concerning growth”). the Students’ Union and telling is hot, but not too sticky.
constituents in the notably sane Conservative Party policy). Brown baiting has you their summer internship is just Why do you want to work
district of North Somerset aren’t Particularly bloodthirsty recently been outlawed by newly the place to be. for any of these companies? I
allowed to hunt foxes, it would Cameron Bashers have been created bye-laws in the Through charm, wit, and dunno, maybe because they pay
be completely hypocritical to let known to set specially trained constituency of Sedgefield. chocolate-chip cookie fuelled guile, more than the local Spar, you’ve
these filthy liberal satirists go and sharp-toothed ‘Paxman’ they’re securing your futures and got time to fill and are vaguely
about ‘Cameron Bashing’, which blunting your minds. curious?
Apply, go on, there might If this firm or that firm

The Gospel according to still be a spot at Deloitte’s

Scunthorpe office. All the London
spots will already have been taken
really, really care about whether or
not you want to dedicate your soul
to their 18 hour days already, surely

Jonny Wilkinson by the sly buggers who spent their

Novembers applying away.
Those online
you’ve got to wonder whether
they’re worth working for?
Well, at least until you’re
Tom Walker questionnaires, brilliant stuff. No 25 and have figured out that
need for your C.V. anymore, they idealistic naiveté lands you under
If at first you don’t succee…oh, find out what they want to know. Elvet Bridge with cardboard and
bollocks. Very clever folk, these. soggy, dodgy student newspapers
(Editor’s note: Jonny’s Why, Miss Huntington, for a pillow.
triumphant return to journalism do you want to work for It’s not that people care
was tragically cut short by a Accenture? “Because you gave me about money more than anything
broken fingernail. He hopes to a cookie.” else; it’s that they don’t care about
resume writing in 2008) Who knows? These anything else more than money…
keep on keepin’ on... things are pretence-filled charades.
Page 5 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Interview with a
Student Communist
Magnus Taylor importance of image. When Patsy and Nigel do. We always have
people see me around campus these amazing discussions about
This week, MH talks to Graeme wearing my Che Guevara t-shirt, Africa and stuff and which
Andrews. Graeme likes computer games, hammer and sickle hat and ‘Make Communist country we’d most like
hanging out with his mates and the Poverty History’ wrist band, they’ll to visit. It normally comes out as
organisation of global communist know that I’m a fully paid up Cuba or China.
revolution. member of the party. Then they It sounds a bit like your
Hi Graeme, what can come to me with all their organisation is just you and a
originally got you interested in Communism-related questions. I couple of friends talking about
communism? think it’s very important to communism in the pub; do you
I can’t really remember. I think it communicate the fact that we are have any formal structure to
was probably because I kept seeing thoroughly modern Marxists who your meetings or any real
loads of poor people where I live know about things like Big Brother programme of action?
in Hartlepool and just really and McDonalds, and aren’t just We all firmly believe that
wanting to do something to help concerned with what some boring communism shouldn’t be
them. I also saw this film once old German guy wrote about something that you just take part in
about a guy called Che Guevara economics. once a week at a meeting. It should
who was a sort of motorbike But don’t you think an be like a hobby that you can do all
communist. I thought that it would intimate knowledge of the time. I’m a Communist and
be really cool if I could be a bit like communist ideology is everyone around here knows me as
him. fundamental to what it is to be ‘Graeme the Communist.’ I see
Right. Couldn’t you ‘a Communist?’ Communism as being within
have just given some money to Well, yes and no. Of course, I’ve everyone. We obviously do
Children in Need or read Marx. Well, just ‘The ultimately aim for a complete and
something? Communist Manifesto’ - it’s total world revolution where
I tried that, but I just didn’t feel actually quite short and you can everyone will live happily in peace
that I was translating my true skip out the boring bits, no and harmony. However, at the
disgust at global poverty into a problem. But you can’t expect moment we’ll just be happy if
strong public image for myself. everyone to have done. There just people notice that we are serious
You see, being a Communist isn’t isn’t time, what with Jeremy Kyle, Communists and not, as Comrade
just something you do once a week Hollyoaks and Neighbours filling Patsy once said, ‘just bloody young
- it’s a complete lifestyle and up your day. socialists…those guys have no
clothing choice. How many of your fucking idea.’
Is clothing choice an friends are Communists? Thanks Graeme. Next
integral part of the Marxist All of them, really. I’m not sure I week we’ll be talking to Henry
philosophy? could hang out with someone who Williams, a neo-Nazi with a Clarice Holt
I think that, in this modern age, wasn’t. They just wouldn’t passion for horticulture.
you can’t underestimate the understand me in the same way as Meet Graeme...

Tragic confusion in Lebanon Al-GNER in

Andrew Tickell

Two years after the tragic

States. In an exclusive anonymous
article we noticed in the
Comment section of the
perished, alongside
bodyguards and civilians while
the journalistic blimp escaped
terrorist strike
assassination of Rafiq Hariri in Independent, it has been revealed unscathed.
Beirut, Lebanon in 2005, Mostly that the true target of the “It’s really was a terrible
Harmless has acquired explosive killing was not the mix up,” said Miranda Hari,
documents disputing the alleged popular ex-PM, but fat journalist, mother of the failed victim. “I
Syrian involvement which has Joham Hari, who was holidaying know Joham won’t mind me
cast a shadow over relations around the corner.
between the two Middle Eastern Due to a series of
mistakes and mismanagements,
the assassins placed the
explosives in the Rue Minet al
Hosn instead of Rue de la Grosse
Tapet where Hari was staying. Independent Journalist Joham Middle-East coast warfare
This mistake was compounded Hari Seb de Lemos midst of a war between the West
by a tragically unforeseen stutter and Middle-East coast main lines.
of the cochlea, causing the saying this, but it is always A Virgin train was derailed last So far, Virgin have had the upper
assassin incorrectly to identify the difficult to love a fat child.” week in what is suspected to be hand, with successful strikes at
car of “Hariri” rather than Hari. Joham Hari inclined to an attack by the terrorist group Potters Bar, Copsmanthorpe, and
The late Rafiq Hariri Former Prime Minister Hariri comment. AL-GNER. This comes in the Selby.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 6

Duncan demands ‘DO NOTHING’ - NEW

bigger pie DSU Campaign revealed!
Justin Leslie him in hand-to-hand combat.
And don’t even get me started on
DSU President Alex Duncan is the Presidents. There are too
spearheading a new campaign to many fingers in this pie, when it
ensure he can get a “Bigger Pie”. should be my face.”
Explaining the ‘Unity Campaign’, However, progess is
Duncan told MH: “I like pie – being made. Duncan has been in
simple as that. That’s why I’m so communication with pie-industry
passionate about this issue – any heavy-weight Bernard Manning,
pie that comes into DSU always who is said to be “equally
gets split unevenly so I get the passionate on the issue.” In
smallest bit. This is just unfair on addition, the celebrity patrons of
someone addicted to pastry the Pie Consumer League (PCL),
products”. Vanessa Feltz, Clarissa Dickson-
This problem has Wright, Fern Britton and Jonny
provoked rifts within the Student Vegas, have all pledged to throw
Union. Quentin Sloper, DUAU their formidable collective bulk
President, is reputed to be a behind the campaign.
notorious pie-fiend while, as Duncan’s attempts to
usual, the JCR Presidents are hell- pimp his pie seem a trifle
bent on getting their slice of the ambitious to this reporter. Still,
action. Duncan continued: with his history of devotion to
“When you’re dealing with Greggs and Peter’s Bakery, and
someone like Sloper, it’s not a his single-minded dedication to
question of negotiation – you the cause, there’s no telling where
either distract him by showing Pi his pastry exploits may take him.
on your calculator or you engage

Durham Business Chatter

Tom Walker Durham’s unique character. A
spokesman for the little-known
Durham’s struggling businesses underground nightspot,
condemned the city’s recent ‘Walkabout’, told MH: “It’d be
corporate development at a terrible if we allowed soulless
protest yesterday. A group of and faceless chain
plucky independent outfits - establishments like
consisting of Varsity, Hide, Café Wetherspoons’ to take over
Nero and Chase – expressed Durham – we’ve certainly never
their concerns at the loss of tolerated them before.” Durham’s independent soul?
Page 7| Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MostlyHarmless
Team of the Week

Magnus Taylor
Jack Logue (image)
Perfect for
The MH EasyEssay
In the first of a number of Easy____s MH walks you
binge shoppingBooks and prints to musical instruments
through an essay. Next time, EasyCV... Homebrew to Home Cooking
To what extent did the ________________? Discuss. Anton Lazarus
Party Jokes to Party Foods
________-ians/-ists/-phers (please delete) have been debating the issue of __________ since the creation Shellfish to Shoes
of the discipline in ____. As Victor Hugo once remarked: “There is nothing more powerful than an idea
whose time has come”. Ever since, this issue has been at the forefront of public debate.

This essay will discuss the _____________ of _______________, including the influential writings of
__________, _________ and Karl Marx as well as the post-modern and feminist critiques of the question.
The classic example of ___________ as well as the contemporary case of ___________ will play a central
role in determining the outcome of this debate.

_____ ______ believed that the ___________ was/were/is _____________. In ______ (18__) s/he
contended: “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” However, this argument is You’ll be amazed at the variety, quality and value for money on a
countered by the more recent claims of ______ in _________(19_), who argues that the “repressively vast range of foods and non-food items in the indoor market.
patriarchal nature of society” prevented this issue from making its full impact. Ask at our stalls for any extra student discounts.

The Marxist approach radically changed the nature of the discipline. Prominent names such as: ______
(19__), _______ (19__) and _____ (19__), all commented on the issue of class, agreeing that “religion is DURHAM
the opium of the people”.

The advent of globalization/postmodernism/feminism has irrevocably altered the way this issue is now
approached. Contemporary scholars of _________ory/aphy/ogy all suggest that a new approach to this Open Monday to Saturday 9am - 5pm
question is required in light of the inter-dependence of the globalized world/the uncertainty of modern Market Place, Durham
Tel: 0191 384 6153
In conclusion, the arguments of ________ and ________ are too strong to ignore, and yet the counter-
arguments or alternative discourses provided by _________ and ________ are equally persuasive. It
remains to be seen which school of thought will prevail in the long term, and for now the issue seems set ADVERTISE IN MOSTLYHARMLESS. ANY QUERIES OR
to remain entirely subjective. Or, as Oscar Wilde/Winston Churchill/Seb Coe/Alex Duncan/George QUESTIONS? EMAIL MOSTLYHARMLESS06@GMAIL.COM
Alagiah once put it: “___________________________________________”.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 8

Borat Does Durham Conspiracy

Ben Grafton Plague research. I am very sad to me laugh, for example your new
find that here in Durham, the student president is a woman! In

Borat Sagdiev talks to Mostly Plague research department is my country, we say to let woman
Harmless about his recent visit to closed for many years due to a be president is like letting monkey
Durham, university life in his lack of funding. fly a plane…very dangerous! I am
native Kazakhstan, and I am also very happy to also very amused by national
Tom Rosenthal we heard
everything he has learnt along the see so many beautiful girls in the sport where many dirty men try
way… city, who all have very interesting to steal oval ball from other dirty
* Diana was murdered by ldered/endangered us:
MH: Firstly, fashion. In my country, it is illegal men, before they are pushed to
Prince Philip, who was driving “Alex ‘biggest hair in the
congratulations on the recent to wear any kind of fur of animal the ground and raped.
the elusive Fiat. business’ Duncan, in a desperate
success of your feature film. You that does not bear Kazakstan seal MH: Finally, what do
* 11/9 – work it out, remember attempt to prolong his current
have now been in England for of approval. I am also very you think you have learnt from
which country we’re from – was reign of terror, is intending to
just over a week. What are your surprised to see that in Durham, your time in Durham, and what
an inside job, probably clone himself multiple times to
impressions of Durham? there are not so many of other plans do you have for the future?
masterminded by Enya. form an army of Duncans. He
Wa-wa-wee-wa! Durham races. After searching for many First I think I have learnt
* Ant out of Ant and Dec has and his army were responsible for
is certainly very beautiful city. I days, I have not managed to find that to fit in with British students,
a secret room in his forehead that overseeing the recent DSU
like particularly your famous a single man with geunine I must drink like a horse. The
stores secret government files. sabbatical elections.”
‘North Road’ with its one chip chocolate-face, which I find very price of your beer is very cheap,
* Prince Harry’s real father is The campaigns might
shop, Blockbuster video store, strange, because in the US and A, and tastes very nice when I
none other than Mr. Motivator seem to a non-CT expert to have
and laundry facilities. In I saw very many. compare it to traditional wine of
(first name unknown). been part of a healthy election
Kazakhstan, we must do our own MH: What kind of my country, which is made from
process, with some candidates
washing in local river, but in things have you done in your time goat’s urine. Second, I notice that
You will, of course, recognise even appearing to be women.
Durham I see only people in in Durham, and how have you in England not every girl you
that these are some of the most However, this was just a cunning
rowing-boats and sometimes coped with being famous? meet in nightclub wants to make
popular Conspiracy Theories attempt to hide the shocking
naked homosexuals swimming It is true that thanks to a sexy-time with you in the toilets,
circulating today. They are all the truth. Flo Herbert, the new DSU
there, when they have had too my moviefilm, many people in but only some of them.
rage now, these ‘CTs’. They’re the President. is none other than a
much to drink. I was also very this city will smile and wave at I do not know how
new Pogs: every kid has one. clone of Alex Duncan himself. If
excited to meet famous anti-Jew me, and sometimes try to kiss me much longer I will stay in your
The theory-less you look closely, you can see the
writer, Bill Brysons, who is fourth and touch my khram . I have even country, but hopefully a lot
MostlyHarmless team, feeling like evidence.
most famous person in seen my own face on front cover longer because I have had very
the no-hoper kid that always got Flo Herbert is an
Kazakhstan after Cliff Richard, of popular British magazine, The nice time. I have already been
teased by their mates, decided it anagram of Alex Duncan.
Samantha Janus and international Big Issue, which I was forced to offered employment here in
needed a CT all of its own. When Flo Herbert may be a
superstar, Natalya the prostitute, buy from gypsy woman in city Durham with your radio station
we phoned up MI5 (077956 giveaway regarding Duncan’s
who is also my sister. centre because I was scared she Purple FM, which with over 16
72356) for one, however, we were dodgy past, when he used to act
MH: So what can you would put terrible curse on me listeners, is more popular than
promptly put on hold. When as a referee in brothels. ‘Flo
tell us about university life in your and my family. Kazakhstan and Uzbek radio put
gagging for a quality CT this, to Herbert’ = ‘brothel ref ’.
country, and how does it compare In my short time in this together.
be honest, is highly frustrating. You thought you could
to life in Durham? city, I have seen many interesting Before we finish, let me
We eventually got through and fool us with your word trickery,
In Kazakhstan, it is only people and done many interesting just say that if there are any ladies
asked to be redirected to the Mr Duncan, but pretty much
rich men who go to university. things, for example disco dancing with nice physiques who are able
Durham branch. MI5 claimed nothing gets past the iron mitt of
This means every man who can in Loveshack, and visiting worst to read this interview, and are
that they couldn’t tell us anything MostlyHarmless. Duncan has
afford two cows or more. In my brothel in Europe, Klute, which I interested in making romantic
because Louis Theroux was busy failed to respond to the
hometown of Kuçzek, which is found to be most enjoyable, but explosions, they can visit me in
making a documentary about it. allegations, but he did say: “Yep,
capital city of Kazakhstan, only also very sweaty. I was also my hotel, which is Marriott room
We responded with a curt: “Do it’s all pretty much true; I plan to
fifteen people go to local invited to special Christian Union 55.
you know who we are?” Using be in Bryson’s chair within the
university. Normally they study to evening, to celebrate death of Thank you, and
our provocative cutting-edge year”.
become for example, doctors or famous Jew on cross, many years Dzienkuje!
edginess, we eventually forced the
nuclear scientists, but I chose to ago. To me, the people are all very
information out of them. What
study English, Journalism, and friendly and many things make

Tom Walker “They just won't integrate. Even
our campaign to enforce
The Bulgarian Prime Minister 'Bulgarian-ness' hasn't helped.
Sergei Stanishev has expressed They can't speak the language,
concerns over unchecked British they'll only live in ski-resort
immigration into the new EU enclaves, and they’re taking all the
member state. “This European jobs in our rapidly-expanding
Union stuff was looking pretty equine studies management and
good until the Brits turned up,” hairdressing sectors."
he said in an interview last night.
Page 9 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The greatest Underdog MHPlay:

story of all time MurderSearch Anton Lazarus
Ben Grafton Express. When people come in to boxing gym.
eat there, all they want to hear After the former Paper-
about, are the stories of how weight Champion of the World
In what promises to be the final Palatinate traded blows over registers for his boxing licence,
chapter to this great epic, former editorial meetings with the likes new kid on the block, The
champion, Palatinate (Sylvester of George Alagiah, and how, Sanctuary, gets wind of it. Pay-
Stallone), finds himself on the come the final round of the per-view channels will not give
scrapheap, washed up and lonely. Guardian Media Awards, he was him the luxurious contracts that
He has grown old and weary in still left standing. he demands anymore, because
the years that have passed, living Then one fateful day, the they believe that he only takes on
a meagre and unfulfilled life. DSU holds a virtual boxing second-rate writers and that he is,
Since the death of his wife, match, pairing up writers from in effect, merely a "paper
durham21, a victim of ‘woman across the eras. In the end, it champion". His people suggest a
cancer,’ Palatinate has followed a definitively concludes that if fight between him and crowd
lonely and troublesome path. His there were to be a match-up favourite, Palatinate to bring an
only son, the effervescent and between the "Young" Palatinate end to the feud once and for all.
opinionated Mostly Harmless and current world champion The Although initially sceptical,
(Milo Ventimiglia) doesn’t love Sanctuary (Antonio Tarver), Palatinate agrees to take part in
him. He feels like he’s living in the Palatinate would come out on what will be billed as a Battle of
shadow of his older, famous top. Seeing this virtual fight the Ages: a true contest of Wit
father, and has adopted a cynical, makes Palatinate remember how vs. Shit. With words of support
anti-conformist attitude towards much he misses being in the ring, from the dulcet-toned old-timer,
life. As the two drift further and and realises that there is still ‘stuff Purple Radio, (Burt Young) and
further apart, we see Palatinate in the basement.’ Cue heart- ultimately from the humble and Can you find all the serial killers?
grinding out a living by begging rending speeches, training apologetic son, MH, it is truly to
for sponsorship in local Italian montages and enough clichés to be the showdown of 2007.
restaurant Fabio’s or even Pizza fill a medium-sized Las Vegas
- Hindley
- Huntley

DSU Election mired by - Shipman

- Sutcliff
- West (x2)
dirty campaigning
Richard Hadden complicated indeed. and if I wasn't quite so liberal I'd
“The purpose of these have them all rounded up and
A DSU election for the position campaigns is clearly to influence shot before grinding their foul
of ‘Balcony Commissioner’ has the result of the election. Take remains into the dust and then
been cancelled following the 'Vote In This Election' reading the election rules out so

activities by unauthorised campaign: clearly, if someone is they understand them properly.”
campaign teams designed to persuaded to vote then it unfairly In an exclusive interview
influence the result of the ballot. with MostlyHarmless, an
In addition to the representatives anonymous representative of the FAIR DEAL STUDENT HOMES
of the two candidates, Becky 'Don't Vote In This Election'
Mitigating and Trevor campaign team claimed: “The
Circumstance, e-mails sent by only reason we started our REALISTIC RENTS FOR HOUSES AND APARTMENTS.
two undeclared groups, the so- campaign was because of the PRIME CITY CENTRE LOCATIONS.
called “Vote In This Election” 'Vote In This Election' campaign. ENJOY HASSLE FREE LIVING WITH J W WOOD.
and the so-called “Don't Vote In If everyone started voting in
This Election” campaigns. Said DSU elections then there
Simon Panda
Mr Simon Panda, chairperson of wouldn't be tedious student
the DSU Meandering, Twisting makes it more likely that political hacks carping on
and Turning Committee, which someone will be elected. On the continually about how the DSU is
oversees elections: “After a very other hand, the 'Don't Vote In a mismanaged non-transparent
long meeting, in which I was This Election' campaign is clearly cliquey organisation that is
flamboyantly polysyllabic in my trying to stop people voting in completely unrepresentative and
vehemence, I decided to stop the the election, which means that no wasteful in every way imaginable, CONTACT J W WOOD
election, as there was no one else one might be elected, which isn't and we'd have to find something
t: 0191 3830184
there who knew all the rules, fair either. It's basically foul, else to fill up half of Palatinate.” e:
which are very long and very corrupt, underhand nastiness, w:
MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 10

The MH Ladies’ Page

accused of The Diary of
Jules Shipway thought to have contained
material of a distinctly feminine
Esther Rudolph
Anna Budashevskaya a desperate voyeuristic eye over Strange Friends are scouting for
Recent reports reveal that a white ilk, and, according to a leaked
female, aged between 15 and report, included references to what could be a beautiful, some girls who will block them
eighty-two, yesterday attempted kittens. It was seized and Oh lordy, it’s the end of term and blossoming romance. They’ll on Facebook next week. Look,
to submit an article to hugely- destroyed by an unknown party everybody’s on the town, on the probably start dating and be really there are some people who are
popular, male-dominated student in the early hours of this vino, on the pull, in the sack, back supportive of each other. Aah. dancing like they’re having sex.
n e w s p a p e r , morning. on the horse, off the wagon, up Back to quantitative data. The And suddenly, there they are.
M o s t l y H a r m l e s s. When quizzed the duff, possibly even up shit trouble is, I quite like quantitative Jefferson and Carla.
This shocking news about the actions of creek, except me. I am all static data. I’m worried this says No, not the sex couple, at
left members of the his editorial staff, and mundane and working on an something about me. Maybe I’m the bar! I do a little slidey-out-of-
editorial team reeling. Magnus Taylor, co- essay that I didn’t speed through not a real human being. the-group thing, and
Said one irate copy- Editor-In-Chief of the specifically so I wouldn’t have to I’m out! I’m out! I’m out unfortunately find myself sliding
think up a perfectly good reason in Klute! This is good! I’m not between the sex couple, which is
editor, who asked to publication, initially
to tell myself about why I’m not looking my best, but when I take something I will never do again,
remain anonymous, declared that the only
going out tonight. I am a sloth. I my glasses off, I can sort of see and I go get a drink, next to
‘This is outrageous. choice left to them was
can feel myself congealing. that I’m a blurry Audrey Tautou. Jefferson, still feeling slightly
MostlyHarmless was Magnus Taylor to track her down on
Bridget Jones was really When the glasses are on again, I violated.. Carla gives me the kind
founded by men, is misogynist-in-chief ? Facebook: ‘We
quite cool. She had sexy media look like Nick Robinson. of smile that says she has no idea
edited by men and bombarded her with
friends. She had a job in a Jonathon and his strange friends who the hell I am. Aha! But I
upholds male values. unsavoury sexual suggestions
publishing house. And a nice flat were on their way out when I know who you are! I know all
Furthermore, we discourage until she revoked said article.’
in Borough. And Colin Firth. And thought, fuck it and threw on a about you! I know that my sense
women from attempting to Under pressure from feminist
she didn’t, did not, did not, have dress. And now I’m here, and half of triumph is resting on the vast
express their opinions via this activists and his publicist, he later
Facebook. Every now and then, the world is here, and I’m really sea of my own private knowledge
publication in future.’ withdrew these comments.
successfully slowing my work on supposed to be with Jonathan- that I am very pathetic!
The offending article is
this essay (“To what extent is
secondary quantitative data useful
in killing off your youthful
embrace of life?”), I have a little
check on Facebook. Adam
Grabo. No activity. Jefferson
Orkney. No activity. Yes, that’s
right! Because they’re on the piss!
How can you be doing things on
your Facebook if you’re on the
piss? But I can see that little
twerp, who I’m sure is very nice in and-strange-friends, but am really Jefferson is very pleasant,
real life, Carla di Fauza, is back, looking out for Jefferson Orkney buys me and Carla a drink,
putting kisses all over Jefferson’s and Carla di Fauza. introduces us. I genuinely wish I
wall. For a bunch of guys who could stop staring at the graphic
Carla di Fauza is from are out in a club to drink, have a dancing lady on the plasma
Venice, speaks Italian, English, laugh and hound girls, Jonathan- screen, but I swear that she’s not
Mandarin and German, and and-strange-friends couldn’t look wearing anything. Gosh, she
resembles a younger and more less tragically uncomfortable. dances so well. And she’s so
vivacious Salma Hayek. Her dad is Maybe I’m cramping their style. svelte! Must concentrate on
a count or something. She wants Surely they don’t think that Jefferson and Carla. I don’t want
to know if Jefferson’s going out people could think that all five of to look like a strange anti-social
tonight. He doesn’t reply. I feel them are my boyfriend? They’re sexually-frustrated Sapphist.
weird and sort of guilty looking at all scouting like meercats, we’re all Some boys go for it, but I think
their wall-to-wall conversation. scouting like meercats. I’m Jefferson’s got some sense of self-
This has gone beyond. It’s wrong scouting for Jefferson, Jonathan is respect, and therefore probably
to be looking at other people’s scouting for some girl of equal some standards…
wall-to-walls. I’m sure she’s a beauty and intellectual
really lovely girl and a good achievement to Carla di Fauza Read Part 2 of the diary at
human being, and I’m just casting and who he will never get, and
Page 11 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MH Arts Page...

WitTank Review 3.14*
Colonel Theatre Anton Lazarus of “Mangoes into a bar” as two
examples of the tropical fruit are

Stinks of Shit
In a sweaty room filled to the brim thrown at men holding pint glasses
by drink-fuelled plebs, were both hilariously simple and
entertainment was demanded and effective in breaking up some of
five odd-looking individuals, our the longer scenes. The tossing
jesters for the evening, were to around of a child's doll with the
supply it. punchline: “I love working in a
Mike Millington angry. In fact, I sort of wish I’d The opening night's morgue” was also delivered
rioted too.” setting in Mildert’s soulless JCR perfectly, doing justice to a
Rioting erupted at the Assembly The incident began when was obviously less than ideal. I delightfully sickening idea.
Rooms in Durham last night a commotion occurred near the would have been disappointed to As with all shows of this
during the opening performance back of the audience during the have paid £4.50 to listen to nature, some of the more extended
of “Father Father, Sexual third "nude santa" scene. When badminton practice from the gags suffered from their length. In
Predator”, the new play from jeering began in the stalls, the sports hall. Don't worry though - I one sketch, for example, an editor
Durham theatre company house lights came up, and the didn't pay, reviewers get in for free. is seen discussing the misprinting
As the lights dimmed and the of his magazine with his printer.
Colonel Theatre. The incident director, Zion Whiterabbit,
masses ssshhed and hushed, the Unfortunately, for me the joke of
was sparked after audience appeared on stage to pacify the
stench of impending laughter filled accidentally having printed Mr
members, enraged by situation. However, it seems that
the air. Hunt's name as ‘Mr Twat’ seemed
controversial scenes in the play, her appearance only angered the
There is undoubtedly to become lost as the dialogue
began to pelt the stage with audience further. much talent in the Wit-Tank brain, trundled on.
human faeces. “It was like trying to put and 'Poker-Face' showed off some The 'Gap-Year Song' was
Hot off the back of such out a fire with a barrel of diesel great ideas and, in some cases, well received by most, although its
critically acclaimed but quietly and a blowtorch," our onlooker perfect execution. Some of the scathing lyrics perhaps came too
ridiculed 'arthouse' productions observed. "She was the architect best material came early on, with close to home for one young
as "Woman: Womb-Man", and of this rubbish. Someone had the the confrontation between the gentleman in flip-flops sitting next
"Developing Red Riding Hood", idea of doing a poo and chucking ‘Durham Life-Sizers’ and ‘Durham to me, who looked close to tears.
Colonel Theatre had drawn it at her. It seemed like a good Full-Scalers’ - the sworn enemy However, I felt that the pause in
comparisons from the fringe idea, so everyone started joining groups that recreate Cluedo and the song for a two-minute rant
community to the avant-garde in. I’d been just before the play Monopoly in the real world – a real about having 'done' a country,
work of such theatrical nutcases started so I couldn't join in, but I highlight. The idea was especially irritating as the phrase is, was
as Jerzy Grotowski. However, supported what they were doing.” effective when placed in the unnecessary and broke up the
such obscure parallels were Nevertheless, in the wake context of the eclectic interests of momentum the song’s sharp
unsurprisingly unable to sway the of the riot, Whiterabbit was Durham’s student societies. observations had created.
general public. defiant. “This is exactly the kind Bizarrely setting the sketch in The grand finale, a
“This wasn't a play, it was of reaction I’d hoped for,” she Tesco worked well, creating musical number reforming the now
an absolute disgrace”, claimed. “It just proves to me that another good character in the elderly Teenage Mutant Hero
commented one onlooker, after Colonel Theatre is ahead of its shop-assistant. Developing the Turtles, didn't work particularly
police had broken up the time. The one goal of theatre is to joke from “I'd like a revolver, a well, and was a slightly
violence. “There was 25 minutes provoke. They didn’t hate the play piece of rope, a candle stick, a disappointing end to an otherwise
of interpretive dance, then all the because it was bad; they hated it piece of lead pipe...” to “I own you enjoyable show. Overall the show
men had sex together while the because they couldn’t understand like I own all the stations” was effective and did what you
women screamed and splashed it. Don't you see? That makes it maintained pace throughout, and would expect it to say on its tin. I'll
made for probably the biggest give it Pi, because there's no reason
each other with paint. I can art.”
laugh of the night. why scientists shouldn't giggle.
understand why people were “no-one understands my art!”
Sketches including shouts

DST President wins lifetime achievement award for ‘getting out of bed’
Magnus Taylor often associated with this sub- proletariat. Slightly less eminent
structuralist piece of meta- sidekick Baidan Triggs gave us a
Eminent thespian and general DST theatre.We (and by that I refer momentary interview merely
bigwig Quark Mortly has been principally although not definitively stating 'oh brave new world which
given a prestigious 'lifetime to myself) connected with Mortley has such people in it' before
achievement' award for what has in a manner previously flouncing off in search of solace
been described by theatre critic inconceivable in the arena of post where he could commune with his
M.T. Stage as, 'a beautiful and ironic experimental student enormous transcendental talent.
moving interpretation of a existence.' It is thought that
normally mundane morning It is believed that Mortley Mortley's highly anticipated next
occurrence.' is pleased with his success but has show will be a post modernist
Said Mr Stage 'what really declined to speak to all members of interpretation of the sound of one
struck me was the way Mortley the press for fear of tainting hand clapping. We at MH simply
seemed to transcend post Pinterian himself through bodily or spiritual can't wait.
pseudo theatrical mundanities contact with the non-thespian Mortly’s buddies give him his award
MH Top Trumps
MH is always on the lookout
for new writers, if you’re
interested, or have any
questions, please email us!

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Reader Promotion... classroom zeitgeist. Which will scabby-kneed

Many a pitched ragamuffins back in the
MostlyHarmless has playground battle will 'rise to power' category: the
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