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MH//Opinion MostlyHarmless 10 ways out of a

wonders about hostage situation

Obama, the ugly side of page 7
Condoms, Durham’s bin-
Madonna and raiders...
The MH Short Story
pages 4-5 Page 11

mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment

issue 4, easter 2007


- DSU President questions motivations of council candidates - NRA to hold memorial for gun law victims
- DUS President stands despite commitment to year abroad - Gun senselessly deactivated every 3 seconds
- Prospective councillor ‘neither lived nor worked’ in ward William G. Pilgrim we had in mind when wrote the
2nd Amendment.” He then
The National Rifle Association proceeded to spend over 20
announced this week that it is to minutes loading his musket, fired
hold a memorial service to one shot at a small deer and
remember the innocent victims of travelled back to 1791.
gun control laws across the High-profile events have
developed world. already been scheduled in support
“Every three seconds, a of Gun Aid. A memorial service
gun is senselessly deactivated in is to be held in Kigali, Rwanda, in
the prime of its life by the evil memory of hundreds of
heartless liberal governments of thousands of machetes that have
the Western world,” announced been melted down and used to
NRA board member Ted Nugent. build hospitals and such like.
“We must put a stop to this NRA President Sandra
senseless waste of potential”. Froman responded to questions at
The memorial service yesterday’s NRA press-
will be attended by politicians, conference:
diplomats, NRA members and “All you ever hear about
gun enthusiasts from all over on the news is ‘HIV this’ and
America, and is the start to a ‘famine that’. Nobody seems to
month long international ‘Gun care about the important stuff.
Aid’ campaign. The fact of the matter is that guns
It is unlikely that celebrity are being disabled by the
NRA member Charlton Heston authorities the world over when
will attend as he is suffering from they could be being used to shoot
Alzheimer’s. Reports suggest that at stuff, like animals and tin cans,
the illness has not affected his and maybe intruders.”
ability to operate guns, rather his The NRA (established in
ability to remember why he began 1871) has been publicly
shooting in the first place - often commended by the Ku Klux Klan
with hilarious consequences. (criminalized in 1871) who also
The 2nd Amendment of feel that many of their hobbies
the US Bill of Rights - written have been unfairly curtailed and
Some of the students who stood for Durham City Council: from top left, clockwise: over 200 years ago - states that: stigmatized by the government
Nicola Heaton, Joe Cookson, Chris Bolland and Fred Kuchlin “the right of the people to keep and media.
A number of Durham students rampantly careerist CV- Liberal Democrat Councillor and and bear arms shall not be This reporter wishes to
stood for election in last augmenters (no doubt unjustly) prospective parliamentary infringed.” keep a neutral stance on the
week's local council elections. springs to mind. You can't really candidate Carol Woods was Time travelling debate, but will be keeping guns in
MostlyHarmless, with a blame us when the NUS's enthusiastic at the prospect of Constitutional framer James his prayers in the coming weeks.
healthy hint of cynicism, bungling attempts at 'relevant' ‘having more young people in Madison commented, “Free and
raised its eyebrows. political debate forms the local politics.’ MH doesn't unrestricted ownership of semi-
Durham's budding majority of direct student altogether disagree. With 10,000 automatic handguns by the
politicians have been keen to involvement with the political students out of a population of general public in a free, peaceful
establish a foothold in the local sphere. 70,000, it's a good idea to get USA under no threat from
political scene for some time. Councillors themselves student voices heard on the external attack and in possession
When MH thinks of student are actively encouraging a student Council. It's this that seems to be of the world’s largest and most
politicians, the image of presence on the City Council. continued on page 8... powerful military is exactly what
MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 2

News for Local People

Angel of the North Iran welcomed into
Nuclear Club
‘not a real angel’ Magnus Taylor
Siddharth Khajuria Wolfwhistle, said: ‘Iranians are
not welcome here. What is
Iran has made it into the exclusive happening to the world? They let
Nuclear Club. Club secretary these Iranians into the club
A group of American tourists
Donald Blunt has posted Iranian swimming pool, they let some
from Houston, Texas are
President Mahmoud I’m-a- man called Tiger play at Augusta.
reported to be ‘outraged’ at what
dinner-jacket his membership What next? Palestinian
they term ‘a dirty piece of
card, entitling him to full use of Homeland?! Piffle. A Jihad on all
blasphemous dishonesty’
clubhouse facilities. Blunt hopes their houses!’
perpetrated by the County
that the recent expansion of
Durham Tourist Board. It seems
membership to include Iran,
that the group in question were
India and Pakistan should ease
under the illusion that the North-
fears of institutional racism at the
East’s favourite peace of public
controversial organisation. Blunt
art, the Angel of the North, was
told MH: ‘We welcome all creeds
in fact the physical manifestation
to the Nuclear Club. There is no
of God’s right-hand man, the
reason why the Arabs and Asians
Angel Gabriel. It seems that the
should not have equal access to
confusion arose primarily due to
our facilities, should they be
the inability of the Americans to
willing to pay their membership
distinguish between fictitious
religious characters and objects
Associate member,
from the real world. It is believed
Israel, was said to be seething at
that the group considered
Iranian membership. Sources
invading the local Tourist Office
close to Israel’s Nuclear
and staying there until they
representative told
produced ‘the real Gabriel.’
MostlyHarmless that they did not
However, they eventually decided Ahmadinejad enjoys club
believe Iran had a right to
to travel down to London, where facilities
membership. The source, Paul
they hoped to witness ‘a miracle

of congestion charges’ carried
out by the city’s patron saint, Ken
Brown Sugar Racist
Durham’s ethnic-minority what is says on the tin. I thought
community have launched a this was going to be Durham’s top

Procrastination protest at Brown Sugar’s deceitful

activities. Said Saeed Khan, leader
of student lobby group Black
Flower, “Brown Sugar doesn’t do
ethnic hangout when I applied,
but everytime I walk by, I don’t see
any of my brethren.” SK

Tom Walker been forced to take the

unprecedented step of banning
Mohammed media cancellation
As Durham enters its fraught and all thesauri from their shelves. In a statement issued today, quite as well as it could,
frenzied final term, a recent Said one fresher: Mohammed has announced that particularly in the Arabic world.
university report has indicated “Everyone knows that popularity he will not be making further Hopefully a moratorium on press
that study hours have fallen to depends on being seen not doing media appearances this year after appearances will remind folks
unprecedentedly low levels over any work. The longer the word is, his “poorly received” Danish about how they’ve lost out, and we
the last year. The report suggests the more time you’ve obviously modelling campaign. His can try a more targeted campaign
that the phenomenon stems from wasted both thinking of and spokesman said, “Naturally, we are in some time in 2008.” ‘Max’
a worrying new trend in which typing it. ‘Scratching my arse’ just disappointed that it didn’t take off
students compete to find the doesn’t cut it in this age of
longest word for ‘wasting time.’ polysyllables.” Student ‘bombing’ campaign
The word This dangerous Fears ran high in Durham after said that they “had been watching
‘procrastination,’ an intimidating competition threatens to hamper two students were remanded in them for over an hour. They had
fifteen letters long, has held sway Durham’s academic performance custody after under the Terrorism already engaged in the illegal
over the Durham scene for some in the upcoming examinations, Act, reportedly close to instigating activities of ‘Running’, ‘Pushing’,
months, but has recently been The late, great Richard and the editorial staff of MH a “campaign of bombing”. ‘Acrobatics/Gymnastics,’ ‘Heavy
deemed not to be “quite Whitele. He liked his letters hereby pledge to declare a The pair, who had been Petting,’ and 'Diving In The
pretentious enough” by linguistic under MI5 surveillance for some Shallow End' – it is clear that it
rush to make their mark on the moratorium on all academic work time, were finally arrested in was only a matter of time before
hipsters at the forefront of the vernacular, library staff have until the source of such
movement. As eager students subversive actions is discovered. Durham Public Swimming Baths. they started bombing.” RH
A spokesman for Scotland Yard
Page 3 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless

From the Tabloids New Era Biggins

Anton Lazurus examines what three of Durham’s Tom Walker and Ben Grafton
journalistic goliaths have been saying... welcome Durham’s new VC...
Anton Lazarus people who hate political University is just super. If the
correctness. [[Ernst and Young, it's new Vice-Chancellor thinks
The Sanctuary not boring.]] Even our very own students sitting on one another's
Durham's student tabloid this queen of sexy socialites, Bronny laps and a one-in-one-out system
edition features a pioneering Zita-Jones, was spotted gazing at for the short loans collection is
Subliminal and Helpful In-Text fit men and scoffing mouthfuls of the best way to deal with the
Graduate Advertisment Service Nutri-Grain bars behind a large problem, then who am I to
(SHITGAS): pile of books in the bowels of disagree?"...
Science Site's new most popular
building.[[JP Morgan; we pay you
money.]] Numbers at the library LAST CHANCE STUDY-
have been steadily increasing ROOM? Sackme Moose asks:
since The Sanctuary was first New Durham VC: Star of Stage and Screen?
why are we all doing everything at
distributed there at the start of Christopher Biggins Christopher Higgins
the last minute? As usual at this
the academic year... time of year, students have been
gathering in Durham's main Tom Walker applied for the new position, has
Palatinate library somewhat like small Ben Grafton apparently taken his rejection
DSU CALLS FOR MORE insects around a pile of freshly with good grace, and plans to
SPACE IN LIBRARY The laid bovine-turd. While some After a series of gruelling devote his new found spare time
usual pre-exam overcrowding in people come to Durham to work interviews, Durham University is to amateur dramatics, chamber
the Library this week has led to hard throughout the year, delighted to announce the recent music and judo.
calls for library extension plans to managing to contribute a never- appointment of its new Vice- One university official,
be brought forward. Former ending stream of articles to an Chancellor, Christopher Biggins. who wished to remain nameless
Palatinate office-cleaner and award-winning student media The comic actor, who shot to told us, ‘The job of Vice-
media hero George Alagiah, website, while completing all of fame in the 1970s with iconic Chancellor is an extremely
speaking in an exclusive interview their assignments on time to a appearances in Porridge and important one, so it was crucial
with Palatinate, recalls: "The first class standard, others leave Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, that we got the right man. Whilst
library was always busy before their 'revision' to the last minute. replaces Sir Kenneth we scoured far and wide, there
exams." DSU president Alex Are these people just a group of was only one man who could
Duncan told Palatinate: "The selfish thick-kids too busy not ever match the energy, ingenuity
LIBRARY IS BUSY! [[Working reading this award-winning “The comic and charisma of Sir Kenneth,
for Deloitte would be great.]] website to get anywhere in life? actor who and that was Christopher
Students return to Durham this Last time Durham21 picked up Biggins.’
term to find the former exclusive an award, which was last week... shot to fame Sir Kenneth moves to
home of geeks, losers and foreign in the 1970s ... take up his new position as
students full of cool and pretty
replaces Sir Chancellor of Glasgow
University, and considers the
THIS ISSUE Kenneth post an exciting new opportunity
Issue four’s highlights
'terrifyingly- in his long, glittering career.
include: efficient' ‘There's plenty of scope
for change there,' he told MH.
Calman” 'Student accommodation is far
- MH Opinion - condoms, too cheap, and they haven't even
Africans, rock stars and 'terrifyingly-efficient' Calman, introduced top-up fees yet. I'll
more: pages 4-5 who is moving on to pastures soon show those backward
- Esther Rudolph returns. new after 9 years at the helm. Celts.'
This time she’s stuck in Biggins, who will be the
the library: page 8 university’s twenty-third Vice-
- Make your own map of Chancellor, has perhaps become
Africa: page 9 better known more recently for
- a short story about his moving portrayals of ‘Widow
Durham’s latest fad, Twankey’ in a series of sell-out
‘freeganism’: page 11 pantomimes. His appointment
will be seen as a godsend for
- Spot the difference with
many, who feared that the gaping
MH: back page
hole left by Sir Kenneth Calman
would prove to be unfillable.
Professor Christopher F
Produced by:
Higgins, BSc, PhD, FRSE, Cheerio Ken!
FRSA, FmedSci, who also
0845 1300 667 what not to do with your tabloid.. Clarice Holt
MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 4

Shock as black man runs for President
As Obama mounts a forceful bid for the White House, Magnus Taylor looks at the colour of his skin
Magnus Taylor first African-American to edit and Iran and is only really Clinton in these stakes. If grow to love him for being
the prestigious Harvard Law moderately black. Obama continues to sell himself young, gifted and only just a
Oh my America! Land of the Review, but this does little to America can cope with so effectively, people may well little bit black.
free, home of liberty, bastion of connect him with your average Barack because he doesn’t go
democracy, inventor of the resident of Harlem or New around shouting: ‘Black Power’
CIA-sponsored Third World Orleans. Just because Obama is or advocating hip-hop and the
coup. Well, that’s enough black, it doesn’t mean that he Nation of Islam as a means of
platitudes to be getting on with. should automatically be seen as social progress. Obama is not
Believe it or not, this headline is the champion of black America. the saviour of the black America
actually true, and we have some He has about as much to do because in a truly meaningful
serious and weighty socio- with black America as Prince sense he is only tangentially
political analysis to get stuck Harry does with white England. black-American himself. He has
into. Politics in America is shot off in a direction
Barack Obama is rich, about identifying with great inaccessible to the vast majority
Harvard-educated and also swathes of the electorate and of his black brothers. This
running for the Democratic engendering some sort of makes him a politically potent
presidential nomination. On the personal affinity with your force because he looks different
face of it there are no real candidate. Bush found his home but sounds pretty much the
surprises here. However, the one within the conservative God- same. My analysis may be
crucial difference with Obama is bothering Christian Right. They simple, but the reality is that
that he is not your average white swallowed his born-again most people vote in elections on
middle-class American. He is in crusader rhetoric without too the basis of pretty simple
fact a black middle-class much thought about his actual perceptions. This is how
American. The question is: does credentials for the job. In democracy works. Image and
this really makes any difference? contrast, Obama is pretty money rule, and Obama has
Obama did not grow up in the moderate: he wants a moderate already shown he has the talent
ghetto. He spent most of his phased withdrawal from Iraq, to match even dangerously
early life in Hawaii. He was the moderate dialogue with Syria liberal liberals such as Hilary

The Condom Conundrum

Intrepid MH reporter Emily Dukakis tests her sex-ed know-how...
Emily Dukakis good music, but that doesn’t so. ‘Students clueless about
mean to say that it does. condoms,’ proclaimed their press
Over a third of students believe I’d assume that the release.
that condoms ‘have holes in them correct answer to that question Raising awareness of sex
large enough to allow HIV to was yes, it’s possible for them to get ed is a good idea, but making an
pass through.’ Really? So says a holes in, and yes, if there is a otherwise unexciting survey
survey run by the good old NUS hole, HIV could pass through it. A instantly sensational by being
and the Terence Higgins Trust, a reasonable response? The ‘creative with the truth’ is
sex education NGO. This is Terence Higgins Trust, emphatically not the way to go
pretty shocking stuff. obediently parroted by the BBC’s about it.
I was in the middle of website (see picture) didn’t think
reaching for the green ink to
write to my MP in protest when I
suddenly remembered my cynical
duty. I decided to take the online
quiz myself, and, coming to the
infamous question, noticed
something strange. It actually
read: ‘Can condoms have holes in
them large enough to allow HIV
to pass through?’ Well, sure, they
can. Klute theoretically can play
Page 5 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Madonna Saves
Planet (again!)
Siddharth Khajuria newbie from Ho Chi Minh City. listen to James Blunt grumble
Musicians, like and moan. The problem lies
Child thief Madonna is back, this politicians, realise the need to elsewhere: thinking that celebrity
time to save the world from hold public attention. In 2005, charity makes any sort of long-
meltdown. The ageing rocker that meant Live 8, a series of lasting, sustainable difference.
will perform at London’s Live concerts designed to coincide Good causes, politics and
Earth concert, part of a with the meeting of the G8 popular culture have to work in
“monumental music event that nations. Back then, making some sort of unity. But if in two
will bring together more than 2 poverty history was all the rage. years time we’re talking about
billion people to combat the And huzzah, they made poverty climate change as much we’re
climate crisis”. history. You can’t hear it talking about Africa now, there
Artists such as anymore. could be trouble lying ahead.
Madonna, Keane, Snow Patrol Ever since David The problem of tying
and James Blunt will deliver a Cameron rode a bicycle to work charitable action to politics and
“call to action”, to 2 billion (tailed by car and helicopter), popular culture is that the latter
global “participants”. Following politicians, musicians and the two have the attention span of a
their success in relieving a media have been battling over all toddler with ADHD. There are
number of African nations from things green. Things that a few only so many leader articles,
famine, poverty and their years ago were obscure comment pieces and features to
children, rockers feel their work irrelevancies have been thrust be written about the planet
there is done. into prominence: carbon slowly getting warmer. The
More importantly, footprints, Guardian guides to problem with popularising green
Africa just isn’t ‘cool’ any more. middle-class wind-turbines and politics is that it becomes
Child thievery has – as this an increasingly rotund former fashionable. And at some stage,
publication predicted in its first
issue – moved on to yellower
pastures. Earlier this year,
Vice President.
There’s nothing wrong
with giving Al Gore a little bit of
much like Africa, it’ll go out of
Angelina Jolie picked up a love, or letting 2 billion people
tailored to you
Saul Alinsky hitting satire and irreverent
content”, the distinction designed
The Sanctuary is a masterful bit to “take into account the
of craftswomanship. Your perceived difference in reader
intrepid correspondent did a bit taste in each university”.
of digging and ventured onto its It’s a wonderfully
website, where it is suggested that euphemistic way of depicting

one of the newspaper’s strengths Durham’s “light-hearted” and

is the manner in which it is “casual” populace as “ignorant”
tailored to the readership at each and “stupid”. It would seem,
of its universities. according to the Sanctuary’s very
The Durham Sanctuary, own publicity material, that we’re
for example, is depicted as being not suited to the “hard-hitting
Hannah Yadi deliberately “light-hearted and satire” and “irreverent content”
casual” whereas the Bristol dished out to Bristol’s edgy
Madonna trades in last season’s model for a fresh bit of Asia... Sanctuary “consists of hard student population.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 6

Perfect for
binge shoppingBooks and prints to musical instruments
Homebrew to Home Cooking
Party Jokes to Party Foods
Shellfish to Shoes

You’ll be amazed at the variety, quality and value for money on a

vast range of foods and non-food items in the indoor market.
Ask at our stalls for any extra student discounts.

Open Monday to Saturday 9am - 5pm
Market Place, Durham
Tel: 0191 384 6153
Page 7| Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MostlyHarmless guide Footballer beats

10 Ways to Escape a paraplegic woman
The patients of St. Anne's checkmates to 0. ‘I always
Hospital, Manchester, were in thought he was mentally
hostage situation shock last night, after seeing
Manchester United and England
footballer Wayne Rooney
retarded,’ commented one
onlooker. ‘But he destroyed
poor Mrs Rogers. I'm shocked.
Nick Collins submission. 8. Wait for your government to savagely beat a wheelchair- What a clever man.’ NC
Ideally a 2-man job. Wait till he negotiate your release. bound female patient. Rooney
In light of our fourteen heroes takes you for exercise, then Optimistic. (See image below) was at the hospital to attend the
and one slightly-more-publicised BAM! Note: Flaying * annual chess night as part of
heroine escaping from Iran in a implements necessary. 9. Call upon the mighty Manchester United's
trail-blazing show of * Prophet Muhammed to community outreach
submission, Mostly Harmless 4. Flay yourself until they engulf your captors' spirits in programme, and after signing
offers a timely guide offering release you out of pity. a spiralling curtain of eternal autographs, he revealed his
various methods of escape, for For those held by more darkness, and to empower ruthless streak by mercilessly
the persual of the more sympathetic/apathetic captors. your brothers to eliminate all beating his opponent by 5
discerning detainee. Not one to try amidst the traces of them and their
pestilence of a deserted Tora infidel race with a range of
1. The "Great Escape" Bora cavernous hell-hole after a equally horrific explosive and
Just wait for that inevitable US Cruise Missile's just leveled chemical attacks.
moment when the entire prison the local children's hospital, Gage the religious leanings of
system lets its guard down for believe me. your captors before you spring
exactly five minutes, and escape * this one on them - I cannot
using whichever 5. Entice the Jailer's Dog with stress this enough. You might be
tunnel/disguise/system of a Stray Bone lucky, but there's also a fairly
levers and pulleys miraculously Works especially well on pirate good chance that you could
gives you a window of ships. make things worse.
Hannah Yadi
opportunity. * *
* 6. Strike a baragin. 10. Admit your guilt,
2. The “Nail-File on the Your Rolex, and the Mars Bar in apologise, publicly state your
Window Bars” your pocket, for your imminent regret and foolishness, thank
Perfect for any detainee hoping release. They're foreign - of your captors for a lovely stay,
to escape an unguarded cell circa course you can out-barter them. go home. Say exact opposite
1850. * for £100,000.
* 7. Stockholm Syndrome Self-explanatory.
3. Flay the Guard until he One up the bum, no harm done.
gives you the keys in

Clarice Holt
8. Wait for your government to negotiate your release
MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 8

Education, Education, Education? AMinor Party News

round up of alternative political news...
Andrew Tickell by a panel of three members of
the Conservative Party willing to Richard Hadden moved in a six-foot-square
Robert Kilroy Silk's new political certify them as ‘Bonus Ovum’ and commune in Surrey, built out of
party argues that the role of fit for high office. BNP calls for ban on “smelly recycled wicker baskets from last
education in Britain is booming A spokeswoman for the cheese” year's Womad festival. To
The British National Party leader demonstrate their self-sufficiency,
"out of control", misplacing the conservative Unitary Policy think
Nick Griffin has called for a they are refusing all “imports” and
sceptre of public power in the tank has given aggressive support
complete ban on “smelly foreign have managed to cultivate two
hands of those unworthy to bear to the party's position, but has also
cheeses” such as Roquefort, turnips and a carrot.
it. praised Evade Cameron of the
Gorgonzola and overripe
The party manifesto Conservatives for "appearing to
Camembert. He stated: “They all Monster Raving Loony Party in
argues that "this country was built have no career at all. A sterling
smell revolting. We don't want tax “rethink”
upon the honest foundation of figure. Blair is less successful,
flavoursome foreign cheeses The Monster Raving Loony Party
the Englishman who rolls up his having qualified as a barrister.
overrunning our country and has called for a reform of the
sleeves and takes to the task. Not Certainly, he seems to have stealing the market share of British government’s tax policy. Said their
greedy Scotch or muck-faced Mick pleaded no cases, but that is hardly mild, rubbery, tasteless, mass- spokesgibbon: “We advocate a flat-
with his grubbers in the public the point. He is still possessed of produced Cheddar. All smelly tax policy. Giggle.”
purse, fingering their so-called the loutishness of learning." cheeses should be deported right
"degrees". The days of Churchill Kilroy Silk's line is away. Apart from Stilton, UKIP “falls asleep”
and Pitt are numbered, and particularly strong on military obviously.” The UK Independence Party
Britannia is the worse for it. This matters, promising to close the (UKIP) has fallen asleep on a
fixation on formal learning is Un- Officer Training Camp at beach near St. Tropez.
English. The Englishman's home Sandhurst during his first 100 days
Kilroy-Silk Greens “move into commune”
motion and use of a body of men, The Green Party has recently
is his castle, whether it's in Stoke in office. Although usually
and look at the success he had."
or not. And he's entitled to his
opinion on it."
reluctant to speak in political
circles, Britain's highest army "I fear that some of the loss of life
associated with Iraq must be
Adams and Paisley
In his first press
conference yesterday, Kilroy Silk
condemned all university courses,
officer, Field Marshall Sir Wimple
Stanley Whipshot whispered to
MostlyHarmless that "The Empire
attributed to the so-called
'education' provided to the ‘have Pizza’
save for the Oxford degree in PPE was built on that solid cornerstone soldiers - leading them to over
The sun rose in a spree of neo- In a particularly
(Puttering & Polite Erudition) in of British shipping: the expert reach themselves. Form square to
romanticist rhetoric on a new symbolic gesture, Rev. Paisley
which the students do not have to amateur. Wellington. Indeed, all receive cavalry, or form line to give
and rose-tinged future for agreed to allowed Mr Adams to
attend any lectures, and are his officers received no technical fire. It's terrifically simple."
Northern Ireland yesterday after order anchovies on the pizza, a
examined only in their final year training whatsoever in the proper it emerged that the Moderately key sticking point in
Reverend Ian Paisley, leader of negotiations that had previously
Student Councillors (continued from front page...) the DUP, and Sinn Fein Top prevented any pizza being
motivating the likes of Joe Bolland polled 142 votes, considered it 'unlikely in the Honcho Gerry Adams had met ordered at all, leaving both
Cookson, a Conservative candidate, trailing the leading candidate, extreme' that the residents of Pelaw last night for what has been parties with the options of garlic
who described the fact that Liberal Democrat Barbara Howard, and Gilesgate would elect him, described as a historic “pizza”. bread or nothing. RH
'nobody' spoke for the 2500 out of by 1071 votes, and was even Kuchlin stood in the knowledge
4000 students in his ward as ‘a defeated by the electoral might of that he would be unable to serve
So, which student issues
the Durham Taxpayers’ Alliance.
It would be churlish to
the full duration of his term. He is
a linguist and will spend the next Examinations stole
have the council neglected thus far?
Chris Bolland, another
Conservative candidate, cited
mock such defeats - David
Cameron himself admitted last
month that the party had ‘a fight on
year in Russia. Did the 108 people
who voted Conservative in Pelaw
and Gilesgate know this?
my soul
lowering council tax and eradicating its hands' to improve its poor Kuchlin stated that he Magnus Taylor The next, I found myself
the congestion charge as his key electoral position in the North. In would have been ‘pleased to step working for Deloitte with a
concerns. However, students in this respect, he extolled the fact aside’ if an elusive candidate ‘who The examination season looms company car, two kids, and a
Durham pay no council tax and that his party had put up more wasn’t taking a year abroad’ over Durham like a great black wife I met in freshers’ week. It
very rarely use cars. Bolland stated candidates for election than any materialised. If the only candidates cloud of lingering discontent. was as if all my hopes and
that he was ‘not standing to other. that can be found are those who are Vivacious young adults in the dreams had suddenly vanished,
represent students specifically, but However, it is hard to in Russia next year, then maybe it’s prime of their lives sit trapped and been replaced with financial
to represent the people of Carville believe that he imagined that this better that there are no candidates. breathing the artificial air of the stability and a Skoda.”
[sic.] & Gilesgate Moor’. Sure, but if ‘fight’ would be successfully carried When asked about paper library and dreaming of a Sadly, this is by no
we need a student voice so badly, out by a bunch of student residents candidates such as Kuchlin, Carol
utopian world without mind- means an isolated example of a
why does this voice focus on issues with fairly tenuous long-term ties to Woods suggested that the issue was
that are barely relevant to students the area. Joe Cookson told MH that a matter of 'personal integrity'. The
numbing tests of intellectual condition known as ‘Corporate
themselves? he considered it ‘questionable’ that outgoing DSU President, Alex application. Mind Shrinking Disorder’
Bolland freely admitted any candidate from Lancashire, the Duncan, shares her concerns. ‘It's A Durham graduate told (CMSD). The symptoms are easy
that he neither lived nor worked in South or the West Coast should be interesting to note that certain us that his descent into mindless- to spot, and generally include a
his ward. Had he ever been there? standing. Perhaps he is right. people standing for the council middle-class-malaise could be propensity to memorise
‘Many times in the past few weeks, MH’s scepticism was have no plans to stay in Durham traced back to the fateful pointless lists of facts and
and it is certainly a lovely part of further aroused by the nature of beyond June. This, surely, raises summer of ‘94, when he sat his figures, to eschew human contact
Durham'. Can such a candidate the candidates selected. Frederick questions as to whether they will be philosophy finals. ‘It was and develop a misplaced belief
hold as genuinely large a stake in Kuchlin, also Easter Term able to perform the role, and as to terrible.’ he whimpered. ‘One that the path to happiness is
the local community as someone President of the Durham Union what their real motivation for moment I was having a lovely paved with revision notes and
who lives there, and moreover does Society, ran for election in Pelaw standing may be." argument about existentialism. first-class honours.
so throughout the year? and Gilesgate Ward. Though he
Page 9 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless

MH Cartography: Angola and Algeria anachronisms? ‘Transgender

MH Cartographer-in-chief Alistair Cormack gives a you chance to reshape Africa levels reach
record high’ -
says facebook
Ben Grafton

Durham University has more

than twice the national average
of trans-gender students, MH
has discovered. In a recent
Facebook survey, 12% of
Durham students were listed as
neither male nor female.
Said Terri Smith of the
Durham LGBT association,
‘Although the results do not
reveal anything specific, like
how many students are pre or
post-operation transsexuals, the
the outdated, ‘traditional’, view of Africa the future? news will be very warmly
Alistair Cormack Belgium, the major European Leopold and draw your own Best map receives a received by our members.’
powers declared that drawing of arbitrary borders - how hard can banana from Bono. Second place The study is the first in
European imperialists admit they arbitrary straight borders across it be? Note: use a really small gets a postcard from Madonna's a series of Facebook surveys
may have got it wrong with the continent with no regard for pencil as maps are drawn to scale adopted child. currently being undertaken, and
Africa. historical, ethnic and tribal* and your biro based scrawl may appears, for the moment, to
Following a posthumous boundaries may not have been a end up being over 50 miles wide, *note that the use of the word tribal is confirm Durham’s status as the
meeting of David Livingstone, great idea. leading to villages being left in a highly controversial, and may itself be a most liberal and open-minded
Cecil Rhodes, Henry Morton MH now gives you a war torn no mans land 75 years manifestation of Western Neo-
university in the county..
Stanley, and King Leopold II of chance to do better than King from now. Palladian ideals.

Esther Rudolph visits the Library...

Esther Rudolph tome on Weberian social theory next? Are we all going to be to do was tidy up the library
I’ve been chasing for weeks, let “ H e l l o shooting up on Palace Green? I before retiring to the little
Ahh, the library; my haven, my out a little sigh of contentment, suppose this is meant to be all underground burrow where it
home… my church. The library and get stuck in, pen at the ready. Michael. I very Oasis and cool. Well, this goes with all the other library
is the only true refuge from the Cor, I pity all those idiots isn’t Human Traffic, pal; this is staff to sing gnome songs and
general squalor of the living out tonight, having a laugh, want to play a Durham. If you want to go sleep at the end of the day. Oh,
room with its green-foamed cups dancing theatrically to that poor- clubbing and have massive illegal the depravity! As far as I’m
of tea and bits of crisp in the excuse-for-a-eunuch, Mika. I’m game. We’re raves and legendary house parties concerned, if you’re going to do
carpet and the sound of Alistair getting some learning in, and will and generally have a really good that, the best place is in a pitch-
pretending to study in his room be at least an hour and a half going to test time, sod off to Manchester. black locked room, in a quiet
but actually watching Tyra Banks ahead in revision when we sit our I go back to Weber and house, between the hours of ten
go off on one on America’s Next exams. Haha! Come on Max
your library frown behind a large textbook. I and one, with sanitised laundry,
Top Model. Peace, love, freedom,
alphabetisation; the library is a
Weber; show me your secrets,
surrender your love…
skills. I’m suppose I was asking for it, going
to the library at the Dark Hour.
at least two forms of
contraception and a boy who
beacon for all that is good in
Fifteen minutes later and
I’m so bored I want to die.
holding a This is the hour that people do it
in the library, allegedly. And by
knows your surname and doesn’t
keep calling you Caz, or, as
It’s 9pm and it’s all lovely
and quiet, completely empty, and
Kssspoh! What was that? I look
up to see a boy sitting across
chainsaw in allegedly, I mean this is what your
freshers’ rep tells you with not a
sometimes happens in Durham,
partly dark and resembles the set from me, behind a tall stack of one hand and small amount of glee while The obnoxious boy in
of an American university slasher books, wearing a massive parka, pennying you until your eyesight the parka lets out a loud belch
movie (“Hullo?!... Is anybody and swigging from a can of 901.82 FER in goes sideways. People doing it in and produces a foot-long Subway
there?...” A voice comes over the Carlsberg like this is what people the library – why?! It’s the from his bag. What are you going
tannoy: “Hello Michael. I want to do all the time. I gawp at him in the other. ultimate degradation of a sacred to do next, huh? Light a fag and
play a game. We’re going to test disbelief and he just stares back place! use Microeconomics For Public
your library skills. I’m holding a at me, glugging, expressionless, Where am I, What if one of the Policy as an ashtray? If anyone is
chainsaw in one hand and 901.82 like a big defiant breast-feeding library staff finds you and going to get crushed in the
FER in the other. Where am I, baby. I should say something, but Michael? staggers backwards, clutching its electronically-operated journal
Michael? Where am I?”) So I I’m just too… British. This is a eyes and screaming its ear- shelving by that slasher, pal, it’s
settle down on level 4 with the library, for pete’s sake! What’s Where am I?” splitting pixie’s cry? All it wanted you.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 10

A Little bit of Durham Life

Royal Wedding Off
Ben Grafton reports on marital
The Insiders’ Guide
distress at Durham University...
Ben Grafton

University officials were said to

Bryson. ‘I’ve met both Will and
Kate at numerous university
garden parties, and I felt that the
to Durham
Rachel Rutty provides an insider’s look at Durham’s
be distraught last week at the strength of their relationship was infamous nightlife...
news that the influential couple a perfect example to all young
Rachel Rutty
William and Kate were to people. To hear that they’ve
separate after a solid five-year separated is an absolute travesty,
24/04/2007 I haven’t written for a
relationship. Having been not least because I was centring
Today I walked right into few days as I went back to visit
forewarned of impending the whole plot of my
Bondage. It was so embarrassing Daddy. He just got moved to the
relationship crises by tabloid forthcoming book around the
- I had a huge spot and my tan is open facility near Guildford-on-
heavyweight The Sanctuary, love-story that is, or rather was,
fading so it looks huge! He was the-Wirral. The solicitors say that
Durham held back a tear as it Will and Kate.’
with Muff, Scro and Ed, on the I’m not to discuss money there at
learned that twenty-five year-old Incredibly, 79 per cent of
way back from training. Muff was all, as people might listen in, but
Hatfield beauty Kate Tiddleton Durham’s female students believe
a little twitchy from the steroids Daddy and I pretended we were
and her dashing husband-to-be, that they will find their husbands
and Bondage wanted to take him discussing cakes instead. I had an
Will Royal, 24, had broken up. at university, whilst a whopping
home safely, so he was holding awful misunderstanding. I
Staff and students alike 95 per cent of Durham males
his hand. Bondage has had his decided to go over to B & M’s
joined the outcry, refusing to can’t believe they found their way
stitches taken out and apparently house when I got back, and I
believe that two attractive and home last night. Luckily for the
he’s booked into surgery to walked into Muff ’s bedroom to
intelligent young adults could city’s singletons, however, the
correct the angle of the scar. see him kissing a black man! I
have possibly entered into a break-up of the North-East’s
Once the others were talking pretended I didn’t see and left,
most glamorous couple does not
“79 per cent of together, he whispered that he’d but later confessed to Bondage.
appear to have changed attitudes
see me at Klute later. My only He tried not to laugh, and said it
Durham’s female towards dating one jot, as hordes
worry is that Sienna Thompson- was a rugby initiation thing and
of budding fiancées continue to to A&E. Sienna T-W-A-T, got
Willan-Aanyatopolis-Trivers will meant nothing. I was very
students believe queue outside Klute every night.
be there. She found out he knows
there first, by the time I arrived
relieved as Petunia has been
Things could have been they were leaving. Today my liver
that they will a hell of a lot worse,’ admitted the
Prince Harry and has been like a
hurts, so I missed Brown Sugar
crushing over him for weeks, but
bitch on heat ever since. Bon assured me Muff hates gays.
find their honorary Dr. Bryson, and I had three oatcakes and a lie
We both found some common
optimistically. ‘But thankfully our down. Lectures don’t start until
husbands at students still have the good old
Thursday and Suzy has promised
ground. I felt like he really
Klute was messy after opened up. Bon said he wasn’t
university, whilst British media to fall back on,
Mummy’s detox plan and Swiss
I can borrow her notes, and she
interested in T.W.A.T. and even
granting them access to a writes down everything. Gregory
a whopping 95 multitude of idealistic
Air. I did see Bondage, but Scro
also said I could have his second
got Mbutom Mbare to make us
had split his lip in a vicious game some cocoa. I feel like this might
per cent of relationships on which to base
of staple-to-the-beat and was off
essay, so tomorrow I can sleep
actually come to something!
the foundation of their romantic this bug off.
Durham males lives. Pete Doherty and Kate
can’t believe they
found their way
Moss, Posh and Becks - the role
models are out there. I’m just sad
that on this occasion I didn’t get
Krazy Charities Kommittee
home last night.”
relationship that did not end in
to buy a new hat.’
‘Prince of my Heart’ will
be available from all good
got Karried away
Rob Sykes money for those charities out departed so as not to be late for
marriage. University Polo captain bookstores on May 12th. there, wouldn’t you?’ asked the her sponsored fire-walk.
and future Castle College The latest DUCK organised DUCK Head of Public Relations The environmental
president Will and promising event to raise money ‘for charity’ Zoë ‘The Madcap’ Madison, ‘but damage caused by the
media lawyer Kate are said to has flabbergasted there is plenty more where that ‘custardation’ of the river is
have mutually ended their environmentalists and normal came from. How about a bungee expected to reach billions of
relationship during a recent ski- people alike. Their most recent jump off the top of the library pounds. However, according to
trip to Biarritz. But whilst scores plan, that of draining the River into a bucket of pickled onions? Zoë this is a small price to pay to
of Durham’s rag-readers Wear and refilling it with custard Or a load of us actually going out show the world how zany the
expressed initial sadness upon so that a rugby team can race a to ‘Africa,’ and getting people to Charities Kommittee really is. She
hearing the news, the tide of small gazelle through it, has been give us money for climbing a again pointed out at this point
sorrow soon turned to outrage. seen by many as a step too far. great big hill?’ When asked how that they spell committee with a
‘This is absolutely ‘You’d think that we exactly this made money for ‘K’ so that their initials spell
appalling!’ said university would run out of zany ideas to charities, Zoë replied that this DUCK - a subtle pun which I’m
chancellor and idealist, Bill King Bryson was distraught keep raising more and more was outside her remit and quickly sure has passed many of us by.
Page 11 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MH Short Story

Free to those who can afford it...
Durham’s student bin-raiders regularly went foraging for food last term. Such saintly
‘freegans’, disgusted at the senseless daily waste of food, sought to save dozens of
blueberry cheesecakes from a premature demise. ‘Think of all those starving Africans
who'd kill for a slice of cake,’ they argued. Much to their chagrin, M&S took the bins away.
Did anyone think of the consequences? Perhaps not, but hey, it was fun while it lasted…
Sam Toolan group of rectangular shapes. the bin slammed open, leaving a But they said there was
Ooh, said my friend. I smiled in low rumble in my chest. My loads of free food! And now
There was a warm chill that the dark, happy to have the friend stepped back and I felt some tramp’s got there before
night and a sense of bounciness. torch. my face grow cold. us! Rubbish! Her pink pashmina
Like a mouthful of something Inching closer we could Pounding blood rose to waved in the wind. Oh well, I
too hot and delicious when tears see the shapes were grey bins my throat. I stayed where I was. said. Come on. Let’s go to
of laughter stream down your with black lids. I heard my Another cough and a slight Bimbi’s for some chips.
face and over your runny nose. friend shudder slightly. I still rustle. I switched off the
Wait, said my friend at don’t know if it was from I realised I was still torch.
the door. excitement or fear. holding the torch and shone the ****
Giggling, she ran back All the bins were lined light around the side of the bin. Asleep on a cold concrete ledge The following morning
inside and reappeared with up in a row like cats and I Scattered pages of crumpled at nine-thirty on a Friday night. the loading bay doors open to
another pashmina wrapped started to slide open the cold newspaper. Plastic sheets He was already lying down reveal a crumpled mound
around her throat. I objected plastic lid of the first one. stacked up at the side of some again. As if I wasn’t the first. I huddled in one corner. A
Don’t wear nice clothes, sort of loading area. A concrete decided to check the other bins. supermarket worker prods it,
they’d said. I got blue ink all ledge. A pile of damp blankets. Sorry for waking you, I gently rousing Simon from his
“No honestly, it’s over one of my favourite A slight movement said, as the familiar polite slumber. It’s time to move along
jumpers. Oh no, don’t worry, it’s from the other side of the ledge. nothing me came back. Have a now Simon, he says softly.
really easy. Just just to mark what’s past its sell- Something rising. A ball. Hair. A good night! Simon grunts a thank you matey
reach in and take by date. No honestly, it’s really head. Yes, a head. The head of a and slowly the huddle rises and
what you want!” easy. Just reach in and take what man. “But they said twists into a man.
He seemed half awake. Simon stretches,
Half past nine. Asleep. there was loads collects his raggy things and
slightly to the sickly pink of the It was like meeting two of free food! ” hobbles off. He looks back
stole. That might get us caught, new people. Him. Me. And then wearily at the blurred figure in
you know. a new me. the blue uniform. The blue
Subtle changes in her Hello, I said. What What’s going on? said figure gives a little wave and says
face and a carefree hand now? You ok? Hello was my friend. We were under a cheerfully, we close at ten
movement whisked my probably enough. streetlamp. I told her what the tonight mate. Come back then, I
objection away like tea-leaves to Alright, the face man said. She didn’t believe me. reckon!
the wind. I chuckled and grumbled. The man raised a Not my fault, I thought as I Fat chance, he thinks.
returned her a face of hand. After a few moments I smiled. She was cross and she Better beds than that in
affectionate scorn. moved the light away and the wanted to hurt someone. I Durham.
Full of beans, we man lowered his hand. waited.
danced over the bridge and up Um, we’re looking for
the alleyway as the cheers and the food bin. Is this it? Now
squawks of the partygoers that the light wasn’t in his eyes I
withered to a booming silence could no longer see his face.
and a mild smell of piss. Yeah, he said. Empty
In the dark we stumbled now though. The sound of his
up the mossy path. We could’ve voice made me want to sit down
just gone round, said my friend. in the cold mud of a puddle. I
Less fun, I said. I knew she was you want! had a look earlier, he said.
enjoying it. We peered in together. I It took a long time for
Lowering our voices, we could feel the heat from my what he said to make sense. I’d
crept down the concrete steps, friend’s face on mine, hear her forgotten why I’d come here.
peering about uselessly. breath tight and dry through her Why we’d come here. I thought
It’s ok. Coast’s clear. balmy lips. of my friend and her small,
I took out a silver torch, The lid was half way warm face.
twisted the sleek end and traced open when we heard a sound Oh right, I said. Empty?
the narrow beam of light to a like a cough. I froze, let go and Now I didn’t believe him.
MH:Spot the Difference
Anton Lazarus brings you the MostlyHarmless take on the Iranian hostage ‘crisis’... See if you can spot the
differences between Britain’s finest and America’s most wanted.
Tehran Guantanamo
15 White People Almost 400 non-white people

Allowed to wear own clothes Own possessions destroyed and

and given new smart suits and given new smart orange
gifts on release. jumpsuit to wear 24/7.

Released after 13 days and Still held after more than 5

excused from trial in the years. No prospect of release.
sovereign state's judicial system. Excluded from the state's
judicial system.

Split into separate cells, Deprived of sleep, subjected to

questioned and asked to sshhh. serious psychological torture,
exposured to noise, light and
heat for extended periods,
Tehran physically beaten. Starved and
denied use of a toilet, spat at.
Holy book urinated on.

All confessed to acts they now Many still maintain innocence.

deny. Those that have confessed
under torture exposed to world
as terrorists and placed into
mock trials.

Media storm and national Little attention from media. US

outcry at detention of Brits. methods supported by British
World condemnation. UN coalition partners.

Hero's welcome home. When British captives were

released they were taken to
Paddington Green Police
Station and extensively
questioned under the Terrorism
Act. Then released without


MostlyHarmless is a small Rosenthal, Rachel Rutty, cartooning or designing,

independent publication that Seb de Lemos and Nick please email us at
started this year. It is edited Hyde. Cartoons were drawn mostlyharmless06@gmail.
by Magnus Taylor and by Clarice Holt and com
Siddharth Khajuria with Hannah Yadi. If you have an idea
Tom Walker covering their We are always looking for an article or are looking
backs. Sub editors this out for enthusiastic new for suggestions, get in touch.
edition were Nick Collins, talent to make MH funnier, We hope you’ve enjoyed Fancy adverstising here?
Ben Grafton, Richard smarter and more varied. If MostlyHarmless over the Drop us an email...
Hadden, Anton Lazarus, you want to get involved, be past year.
Ian Chapman, Tom it with writing, editing,