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Comment and Features Esther Rudolf

Democracy Better “There are a lot of

than Sex? page 4 things I'd like to
do to you, you
dirty, dirty man”
Why I Hate the page 9
Library page 5

mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment

issue 6, michaelmas 2007

Brazilian man not shot dead on Cathedral Bus

College bar mascot not called Muhammed
UnionSociety not inviting racists to speak

there is no news (so we made some up)

MostlyHarmless | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | Page 2
Very Local News for Very Local People
Tom Walker
DUS Class-Denial throughout the university, who claim Matt Brown
Remembrance Day Fiesta
that it threatens the very fabric of
Thousands of protesters are their culture. "You can't allow him to The people of Durham are
thronging Palace Green in a speak - it's legitimising his views," celebrating en-masse following the
demonstration against the visits of squealed Wine Soc President Angela most successful Remembrance Day in
historian David Virgin and Stockton Astley-Birtwistle. "Durham's built on the city's long history. After the
student Nick Riffing to the prejudice," agreed Collingwood Choir ceremonial remembrance poems were
University. The two controversial conductor Aled James, adding the grudgingly read out, the band got the
figures have been invited by the finishing touches to his 16-part revellers in the mood for fun. Instead
Durham Union Society’s President, harmony arrangement of 'The of playing the Last March, the brass
Ewan Chapwoman, to speak at a Famous Hatfield College.' section struck up a confident
debate on free speech next week. He continued: "If we allow rendition of Louie Bega's 'Mambo
The pair's well-publicised this disgusting class-denial a platform Number 5'.
political views have incited it'll dry up almost all of our The silence at 11 was
widespread opposition to the debate. conversation topics. We can't discuss enlivened by a two-thousand strong
Virgin, a well-known class denier, was the quality of college meals and our Mexican wave, starting with the
convicted to three hours' ironic love of B*Witched for a whole Bishop of Durham in the western
imprisonment in Surrey in 1998 after three years, you heartless debating pulpit of the cathedral and arriving,
claiming that differences in social bastards." with a crescendo, in the Market Place.
status no longer existed in modern Protesters seemed After the wave was completed, the
society. He has also sparked somewhat more divided over the crowds celebrated with the traditional
controversy in the past by suggesting reasons for their opposition to breaking of the poppy-filled
that evidence for the existence of Riffing. A significant minority Remembrance Piñata. The veterans
Durham's coal mines was appeared to be trying to vote him off were then allowed the honour of Clarice Holt
'inconclusive.' 'I'm a Celebrity...' The rest claimed to starting a dignified conga line which
His views have been most instinctively distrust him because he wound down towards the river to the
vehemently opposed by groups was from Stockton. sound of the Benny Hill theme tune.

Local News in Brief website known to be used by many

of the country's most prolific
outrage in Durham last night as two
students discovered that one of the
resorting to paying actors to put on a
northern accent and walk through
the streets of Durham. The
CHIMP KLUTE ATTACK Stockton to find a black student with
Genetically modified chimps escaped whom to discuss this matter. William While there is no specific oldest legends in Durham was deception was uncovered by two
from labs at the science site last Hugo Barrington-Smyth of Surrey, evidence of this bizarre and nothing more than a trick. It has long drunken students who, disregarding
week, running amok around the city. whose great grandparents hailed seemingly unlikely activity occurring been accepted that locals do not all warnings, entered the Fighting
They were found several hours later, from Jamaica, observed: 'I suppose in Durham, MH felt it wise to inform come onto our campus and that Cocks, only to discover that it was
semi-conscious in an alleyway behind the new logo half makes sense' SS our readership of the rumours and students do not go into their suburbs not a pub but an operation centre for
Klute. When questioned, one of ask: "are you having too much and pubs. This policy has been this grand deception.
them responded: "That was so not STOP AND SEARCH FAILING library?" responsible for the peaceful relations
worth a fiver." DD Durham Police have blamed crime between both groups in the city.
increases in the city on the failure of MIGRANT GUNNED DOWN An However, it has emerged that these
DSU LOGO CHANGE Inspired by new 'stop and search' tactics imposed independent watchdog has cleared so-called 'locals' have never actually
the effects of the Conservative by central government. Spokesman the Metropolitan Police of any existed in Durham.
Party's change of logo, Durham PC Barksby told MH: "The policy wrongdoing over the deaths of two
Student Union has decided to follow simply isn't fit for purpose. Valuable innocent victims at Sandringham
suit and recently agreed to adopt the police hours are being wasted trying Gardens Tube Station. The IBPCC
internationally recognised Yin-Yang to locate members of the black (International Bird of Prey
symbol to better represent Durham's community to search." AL Criminality Committee) ruled that
multicultural racial dynamic. the shooting of Henry and Henrietta
To investigate this issue LIBRARYING IN DURHAM Harrier was regrettable, but to be
further, MostlyHarmless travelled to COTTAGE expected at this time of the season. Vice-Chancellor
Anonymous posts on an internet The committee heard that Christopher Biggins appeared
forum exclusively discovered by the operation took place after Mr and disgruntled by the discovery, saying
MostlyHarmless have revealed that Mrs Harrier, aged 3 and 5 in a statement: "The threat of non-
the practice of Librarying may be respectively, were mistaken by police existent locals was the best social
occurring in small old homes across for a migratory Brazilian suspect. In control we had. What are we
the city. his defence, firearms officer ‘Harry’ supposed to do now?" The Fighting
Accounts of Librarying as stated: ‘They matched the subject's Mostly Harmless has made Cocks now looks set to be turned
severe as lending books and studying description exactly. That is, they were the shocking discovery that the into yet another gratuitous bakery.
at desks with complete strangers are both a bit brown.’ TW founders of the university simply PN
described in detail on a popular 'invented' these figures, often

Dan Dyer WHO MADE THIS? Mason. Thanks to Lucy Davies

and Clare Turner for copy editing.
Mostly Harmless is edited by Cheers to Hannah Yadi,
Magnus Taylor, Siddharth Clarice Holt, Dan Dyer and Tom
Khajuria and Tom Walker. Anton England for the cartoons.
Lazarus provides invaluable Jack Logue makes the
creative support, copious quantities amusing images whilst Alaric
of ideas and will, on occasion, do Green and Bertan Budak look
what he is told. Sub-editors for this after our marketing and advertising.
issue were Cordelia Graham, Dan More thanks must go to treasurer
Dyer, Thom Addinall-Biddulph, John Corcoran for being far more
Rachel Rutty, Ben Grafton, efficient and organised with money
Richard Hadden, Zaki Moosa, than the editors have ever been.
Charlotte Spencer-Smith, Sam
Toolan, Tom Rosenthal and Alex
Page 3 | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Olympic Update: China

Plays to its Strengths PMQs Causes
Magnus Taylor

China has unveiled a series of new

and exciting events in order to
top competitor, which is simply
referred to as 'Guantanamo'.
Similarly, 'the big three' will
feel they're in with a shot in the
Accidental B Minor
William G. Pilgrim
showcase home-grown talent at the 'Funding Most Dubious Foreign
2008 Olympics. The traditional long Power' event. China's oil-based stake
Parliamentary commentators were
jump has been re-branded as 'The in the Sudanese government is sure
stunned into silence during Prime
Great Leap Forward.' Competitors to stand her in good stead here.
Minister's Questions today when the
will compete together to modernise However, the British and Americans
simultaneous jeering of the
the country's agricultural and may feel quietly confident in their
Conservative back bench produced a
industrial sectors, using a tactical position as underdogs. Their
loud and inadvertent B-minor chord.
system dramatically different to 'extraordinary rendition' training
Cameron had been grilling
those of the Western capitalist program, which encourages up-and-
the PM with a series of linked
teams. It is believed that over 500 coming vicious and corrupt regimes,
questions on the state of the NHS
million 'athletes' will participate in may give them the edge.
and after a third weak, question-
the event.
dodging response, Brown was met
In addition, the ever
with an astoundingly harmonious
popular field event: 'Systematic
group heckle.
Abuse of Human Rights' is set to
The melancholy B minor
form the centre-piece of the month's
was followed by a stunned silence,
multi-cultural sporting celebration.
minutes in length, in which
China's high-profile entry 'The
Conservative MPs looked around at
Region Formerly Known as Tibet'
one another with startled looks on
looks a good bet, although there's
their faces. The silence was
some strong competition from
eventually broken when David Laws
Russia's 'Chechnya' and the USA's moment for the Conservative Future MP for Aylesbury, "but it will forever
(Lib Dem MP for Yeovil) exclaimed:
"Fuck me - that was weird!" campaign", leading some to suggest more be tainted by this moment of
Spanish Inquisition in The incident has raised
significant procedural issues
that he had a hand in orchestrating
the refrain.
poncey, pinko, choral coincidence".
Experts have suggested
Health and Safety Breach regarding the limitations of Hansard
Andrew Marr commented
that "for a supposed 'freak
that had Cameron really been behind
such a stunt, he would probably have
Thom Addinall Biddulph commissioner's first duty is to ensure "It really knocked me off occurrence,'the idea of the whole opted for a D chord (B minor's more
people's security in their faith. By guard" Brown later admitted, parliamentary Conservative party optimistic relative major).
The Spanish Inquisition has been operating a secretive, ill-planned "because for a split-second I thought singing together in unison is Popular tunes written in B-
found guilty of breaching health and policy of kidnap and torture, he has someone was playing my favourite surprisingly compatible with the new minor include 'Hotel California' by
safety legislation yesterday for their undermined that. He is an song, ['If you had my love' by friendly image that the party is the Eagles, 'Man Eater' by Hall and
'accidental torture' of thousands of honourable man but his position is Jennifer Lopez] over the tannoy, but pursuing." However, many Oats and the theme tune to ER.
Spaniards. now untenable'. Acting Quasipope when I realised that it had a posh backbench Tory traditionalists are It is rumoured that a similar
At a court in Madrid, Judge Vincent V commented, 'Torquemada accent, I knew it must be the openly lamenting their involvement. stunt is being planned in which all 6
Baltasar Garzon said that there is far too close to the New Vatican opposition". "Group scoffing used to be Lib Dem MPs will attempt to
needed to be a 'frank and thorough and should resign now'. Cameron was quick to one of my favourite things about produce a D# minor seventh in
debate' about the Inquisition's 'pray- A spokesman for claim this as an "epoch-defining being in the Conservative party," memory of Menzies Campbell.
to-kill' policy, nicknamed Operation Commissioner Torquemada said he commented Clive Blastcorn, Tory
Pontius. would not be resigning, and pointed
Antipope Cameron V has
called for Torquemada's immediate
resignation, saying: 'The
out that for every person tortured
there were 999 French men who
were not. Cricketing Pink Bryson
Ma’am, Why Won’t You Die?
Rachel Rutty decided to act. After a quick cull of
Nick Collins the game, and insisted that its
luminous pink colouring was
Mr William Bryson, Chancellor of
the local wildlife with the boys, and English cricketers are said to be essential to the ball's hardiness. the University of Durham, yesterday
Prince Charles is currently believed to sustained by a Duchy and Original concerned after the sports' "Pink is just a harder colour," he pronounced himself to be 'sad' and
be 'extrovertly sulking' after the tragic piglet wrapped in nudist-lined double authorities at the MCC announced explained. 'full of the woes of December.’ The
loss of the People's Princess (see four chocolate, the Prince left for that the limited-overs white ball precise source of this veritable
page picture gallery overleaf). Charles, Buckingham Palace. would be replaced by a pink "gay" barrage of unrestrained morbidity is
according to a surreptitious Daily Armed only with a shotgun, one. unknown. It is believed to have
Mirror footman, has become five assistants, and a polo pony, "It's all wuffy and camp occurred immediately after Bill had
obsessed with calculating the average Charles barricaded himself in the and it's for fairies," said self-styled passed a particularly grim morning in
age of royal female deaths. nursery and demanded a formal 'one-man gun-show' Toby
He had intended to arrive meeting with Her Royal Highness. As Farringdon Smith, oiling up his
upon the figure in 2002, but was the Prince noted her regular breathing biceps. "They'd never have tolerated
scuppered by the 'frankly and positively healthy glow, tourists this back at Eton. The gentleman's
inconvenient' deaths of Princess overheard a torrent of abuse, which
game is in danger of being overrun
Margaret and the Queen Mother. has since been translated from the
by bummers."
Recalculations resulted in original German as: 'Die bitch trout,
"I don't feel like I want to
the abhorrent discovery that his die! Who are the bleeding Welsh
mother may well live a jolly lot longer anyway?' hit it, I'd rather spit on it and call it
names," said the Devon opener. "It's which he ate an unboiled egg and
than expected. Talks are understood to
We paid a close (but not have continued long into the night, unnatural to make a ball pink. made several off-the-mark quips
intimate) footman £10,000 for finally culminating with a placatory What's wrong with the traditional about haddock. These were
musing: 'It's a difficult time for dear statement by the Queen. It has now white balls which have grown on immediately snapped up by his ever-
Charlie - he's long kindled hopes of been decided to reinstate the cricket trees for centuries?" present entourage of student
ruling England as a single-monarched, autonomous Kingdom of Durham, An MCC spokesman journalists, and are due to be hastily
polygamous, organic freehold." where Charles is set to reign as King argued that the ball's greater published in an 'I hate Bryson'
The next day, the Prince Bishop (formerly known as Prince). durability would make it an asset in collectors' edition of Palatinate. MT
A pink ball, yesterday
MostlyHarmless | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | Page 4

Features and Comment

Democracy Better than Sex? Dictator Toppling
MH Reveals the U.S. Department of State’s
Is democracy really all it’s cracked up to be? Magnus Taylor latest offering:it’ll topple your dictator for you
takes a wry look at the wonders of letting ‘the people’ decide
Magnus Taylor

Democracy is not only more

pleasurable than sexual intercourse,
it is also considerably better for you.
For the uninitiated,
democracy is an easy concept. It
consists of 'the people' of any given
country, colonial dependency, or
militarily occupied landmass being
given a small yet significant influence
over the process of government.
"Wait a minute," you might
say, "isn't that a bit risky?" You
would be right. Democracy is a
tricky business. Yet it has become The Iraqi people play with their new toy
the most loved political concept won't just make you more and plumbers - are faced with a
since communism subsided into the prosperous, but also a better lover. number of tricky, technical
destruction of personal liberties, You'll be much more likely to questions. Who is my MP? What is
economic failure and having to live inveigle your way into the pants of the proper procedure for killing my
in Russia. the world's most important neighbour? Where has my king
Having given dictatorship, democratic players. Recently, the gone? I quite liked him. None of this
monarchy and anarchy a go, the 'western world' has become is a problem if your country is rich,
world seems to have reverted to an something of an expert in the stable and filled to the brim with
unquestioning faith in the ability of altruistic exportation of 'democratic vague liberal apathy.
common man - and sometimes aid.' However, when you chuck
woman - to decide what's best for This 'aid' normally takes in a handful of Islamic terrorists, a
him (or her). The trouble with the the form of economic sanctions; for dash of poverty and a generous
common man is that he has a nasty the lucky few, an upgrade to full helping of oil, things get murky.
habit of deciding (or electing) democratic military invasion lies in What if they vote for the wrong
exactly what is worst for him (or for wait. Don't worry yourself too much party? What if they don't vote at all?
his fellow man). - once all the bombs have been What if they don't want to vote?
Democracy makes it very dropped and the freedom fighters What if they do vote and then start
easy to make the big mistake, and have been vanquished, you'll most shooting each other? These are
rather less simple to put it right certainly be given your country back. tricky questions, answered by the
again. This is particularly prescient What is more, some helpful souls U.N.'s latest pamphlet: 'The joy of
when your own democratically will have installed a nice new shiny democracy: your vote and what to
elected government (Pakistan) has system of democracy, which will be do with it.'
just revealed to you that it will be an instant (and I mean immediate) If you can't read, then
much better for society, and the improvement on that horrible old don't worry too much; your
world in general, if we postpone that thing you had going on. What a democratic leaders will look after
pesky election for another 5 years. relief, I'm sure you'll agree. you. Isn't that a relief ? If not, then
In this age, though, The problem with simply resign yourself to the fact
democracy has become the beacon democracy, however, is that nobody that democracy rules, and there is
of all that is right and proper. It is really sure how to operate it. nothing you can do about it.
Democrats - much like electricians

Do Not Swear, Nobber

Cordelia Graham holiday. a big difference." I lied, my voice
I thought I had toned down wracked with shocking hideous guilt.
A word for those aspiring to wisdom my vocabulary until, during a game He looked sad and then ran into the
- do not swear. I think this sentiment of Rally 123, my four year old house quietly.
was first cited in Richard III: 'My cousin, who resembles an angel, Will never said nobber
lord of Buckingham, do not swear!' shrieked to his brother 'Come and again - yet I was left to reflect. This
We all know swearing is get me, you big nobber!' in front of wasn't the first time I had had to
sometimes inappropriate (sometimes his parents. His parents, my aunt and draw a small child aside and hurriedly
it is hilarious), but fortunately most uncle, who up until now had been quell the foul language they had
are able to veto their use according paying me handsomely to babysit picked up from me. In an attempt to
to their present company. Not me. their blonde-haired blue-eyed gain wisdom but also make someone
Every manner of obscenity princes. punish me for making a small child
has made its way into my vocabulary Fortunately they didn't feel bad about my mistakes, I told my
throughout my teens, some standard, seem to notice so I immediately drew mother what had happened. Instead
others grammatic variants, the cause him aside. "Will," said I, "you must of telling me off, she thought it was
of which I have managed to blame NEVER say nobber." The boy highly amusing and told my sister. I
on my love of language. Whilst some looked hurt. "But you say it all the linguistically molest children's
might find it amusing, most react time," he pointed out with wide open vocabulary and she spreads it.
unfavourably, especially on a family eyes. "No, Will, I said nozzer, there is
Page 5 | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Why I Hate the Library

Anton Lazarus
The F-Word
Claire Hendon
I’m not a feminist, but...
image of me in combat boots is
It's a sad fact that I hate the library. conjured in the minds of my
Things weren't always this way. The f-word, my friends. I am going audience as soon as I give an opinion
When I first arrived in this fair city to do it, put it right here in print on pay equity. Immediately followed
the library was my haven, a quite before the whole world (or at least by my denouncement of stay-at-
place to withdraw and reflect. Since the immense readership of this fine home mothers, and violent insistence
then though the library has, in my periodical) so I can't take it back, and that all men are pigs. My mother
eyes, sold out. don't have to live it secretly anymore: stayed at home. All men are not pigs.
The library is a necessity; I I am a feminist. I think we feminists must feel
have no choice about going there. If Obviously, I will now no misunderstood in much the same
I want to even just scrape through longer be able to wear my pretty way American liberals do, or French
my degree I have to visit it. Sure, I clothes. Or fix my hair… or wear my people who like to work.
can go in, check out some books and make-up. I'll have to come to terms I don't really think
be out in ten minutes, but it feminism dooms me to a life of un-
shouldn't be like that. I should want girlie angst. I do, however, think it's
to spend time there. I should want to swell that I can vote, wear trousers if
bask in the weird hum at the back of I so desire, and know that my
level 3. I should enjoy dancing husband cannot legally beat me.
stand there scanning the BBC news out. I don't know why we need to be Feminism was, and is, about being
between the moving shelves on L1. I
feed at the bottom of the page, or counted in like mindless drones able to choose your life, including the
should find a reassuring feeling of
trying to decipher the Japanese arriving into the colony. choice to be at home. And it's about
camaraderie in mentally ostracising a
symbols, or read the 'Stockton I also take issue with the being respected in that choice. It is
fidgeter in the silent study room.
Library Opening Hours' which, to library staff who will not bend on no exercise in hatred or declaration
me at least, sets the benchmark for the "No ID No Entry" rule, as if to
Do they really useless information. do so was as bad as selling
of war against men.
Maybe the great works of
think that hoards Probably though what pornography to children, or child feminism in Western society are
annoys me the most about the library pornography to adults. "Yes, I know mostly done, but we who benefit
of menacing TV screen was the answer to a I don't have my campus card and I'm from them should not do the women
locals are going question asked at a library users
committee shortly after the screen
sorry. I just want to come in, look at
a book and sit quietly reading, I'll
and men who won them the
with my god-given body hair. Hate disservice of prefacing anything we
to pour in off the was installed. The question was: give you my username and recite the men, hate marriage, and hate say with, 'I'm not a feminist, but…'
"Would the money not have been last ten books I took out, and tell you
street and better spent on books?" to which the my library fines to the penny
children. No more guys, either, I Girls (and boys), you don't have to
guess. Unless I become one of those preface it with anything. You are a
attempt to steal reply came: "No, that money including details of the books they have-sex-like-a-man feminists, right? feminist. And that is okay.
couldn't have been spent on books, it were amassed on and duration they
knowledge from was money from a different budget." were overdue. Here's a selection of
Which will be no small feat when
one considers the aesthetic I am
books paid for by Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but other photo ID and my college meal soon to embrace. Though I could
that doesn't mean the money card. Please can I just pop in." "No." perhaps attract the mans with my no
our fees? couldn't be spent on books, that And that's it. There is no movement doubt militant, abrasive and man-
means their budget is a pile of, if on this at all, no possible chance that hating-though passionate and
you'll excuse my French: merde de a little light will go on in this moron's liberated-personality? Not that I care,
I should but I can't. I find
chien. mind and realise that I'm not here to of course, what the useless
myself too offended, too irritated
I suppose the TV only burn books or perform lewd sexual oppressors think of me. Oh no.
and too downright betrayed by the
really annoys me once I'm in the acts in the lavatories. I am a student, I know that it's not going to
library authorities.
library, which means that I've I genuinely want to read and learn. be easy. But I couldn't live with
Take, for example, that
remembered my campus card to What more noble cause is there? myself anymore if I didn't finally
massive television that greets you as
swipe in through the gates. This Why won't you let me learn? But cop to the fact that the definition of
you enter. I don't know what the
annoys me for two reasons. Firstly, then I suppose by not being feminist-'a supporter of the doctrine
world's obsession with flat-screen
what do they expect to happen if reasonable he is only doing his job advocating social, political, and all
TVs is, I can only guess that the
they don't have those horrible perfectly - he's been programmed other rights of women equal to those (My acknowledgment and
people running the world grew up in
things? Do they really think that not to let me in without a campus of men'-applies to me. I suppose I thanks to Nelly Roussel's 'She Who
the sixties against the backdrop of
hoards of menacing locals are going card and his tiny brain works like a will have to live with the is Always Sacrificed' speech,
the moon landings and now think
to pour in off the street and attempt computer; it's yes or no and there's consequences of that, unattractive as oneangrygirl designs, and those
'isn't it amazing, a moving, colour,
to steal knowledge from books paid no middle ground. The man isn't they may be. Or I may become. annoying girls who say they're not
image on a more-or-less flat screen,
for by our fees? The books will set human. 'Feminist' has become a feminists, for inspiration and
must buy, must buy...' No, I will not
off the alarms if they're not checked dirty word: so unattractively information.)
connoted that I feel as though an
Visit MH’s online home for further irreverent humour, cutting edge comment and further forays into a world
that is only ever mostly harmless. Here’s a taster:

An Abbreviated History of the Men of the Universe: “Did you have to make the tool of procreation so
goddam hideous? It looks like a visible part of the intestine covered up with some left-over elbow skin…”

The Turnip Story: “As the cold continental winter months sidle up menacingly, like they’re going to prod you
with an eel in their jacket or drop tuppence in your drink and make you go to sea for six months…”

A Cornucopia of Socially Acceptable Diversions: “What if Tea and Biscuits should clash irrevocably with
Chocolate? Well, you‘d end up with chocolate digestives…”

I See Naked People: “Where in the world could I find the optimal amount of nudity? Any ideas?”
MostlyHarmless | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | Page 6

Perfect for
binge shoppingBooks and prints to musical instruments
Homebrew to Home Cooking
Party Jokes to Party Foods
Shellfish to Shoes

You’ll be amazed at the variety, quality and value for money on a

vast range of foods and non-food items in the indoor market.
Ask at our stalls for any extra student discounts.

Open Monday to Saturday 9am - 5pm
Market Place, Durham
Tel: 0191 384 6153
Page 7| Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Door Courtesy: It ain’t all about the Curtsey

Tom Lyons are considerate, but does not ascertain the number of paces they 4b. If the rude individual is notably larger

interfere with your day. Neither does are away AS IT PIVOTS, use than you, reduce the stare time to one
Ladies and gentlemen - and yes, I it make you look stupid if the person personal judgement and discretion. second and disguise the tut as a disgruntled
feel it is appropriate to refer to you is distracted by a Pound Shop. It is advisable to assume fewer steps cough. Door courtesy, if performed
with the formality of a low grade 1b. This rule is amended for women with than more. As I always say, it's better correctly, should never end in physical
magician or pub lavatory sign - with push-chairs/buggies. Add two paces for to be cautiously courteous than harm.
the standards of etiquette in our each child being pushed (i.e. woman dismissively disgraceful.
society steadily slipping, I have pushing single buggy = 8 or more paces) 5. If you have miscalculated and the
addressed one of the burning issues If, in the event individual appears to be farther away
of the day: door courtesy. 2. If the person approaching is at than they really are, do not, at all
Ever found yourself less than six paces away AS IT
of a dramatic costs, try to maintain 'door
exiting a shopping centre or precinct PIVOTS, you - the holder of the misjudgment, the openness.' Apologise with a
of some sort, noting an approaching door - should push it open and stand sympathetic head tilt, or, when
elderly person and holding the door adjacent to it. Wait for the person to
swing-back of the necessary, an actual 'Oh, sorry'.
for a good 10-15 seconds - all the place the palm of their hand onto door causes physical 5b. If the person remains curt after this,

time nonchalantly trying to appear as the centre of the door. Then accept then point 4 can be adopted. Obviously,
if you are curtailed by an interesting their thanks with a slight nod of the
bodily harm, make a adhere also to the rules of 4b
shop window display? If not, you head (or a curtsey for a girl) and discreet exit.. 5c. If, in the event of a dramatic
are by definition rude. Take heed. continue with your travels. misjudgement, the swing-back of the door
2b. If the individual is elderly or
4. In the unlikely event that you have causes physical bodily harm, make a
1. If the person is more than 6 paces particularly sickly looking, take extra care
held the door open and the discreet exit..
away from the door AS IT PIVOTS that they are fully through the door before
individual has failed to acknowledge 5d. If the harm is to someone who looks

(I cannot stress the importance of releasing your grip. your kindly act, stare at them for an slightly menacing, ensure 5c is undertaken
that phrase enough) then a second absolute maximum of 2 seconds. at an accelerated pace.
firm and sturdy push of the door 3. If a person is approaching at Tut and shake your head as you
after you have exited shows that you speed and you are unable to quickly continue with your travels.

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MostlyHarmless | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | Page 8

PIN Numbers The Job Application

Lamoney kicks against the pricks Alaric Green shares his latest application form with MH.
Marten Lamoney sensation pierced my little heart like a

If you're like me, and you probably

are in some ways and aren't in others
pinprick; it was the woeful realisation
that I would never exhaust my supply
of pins because, well, I didn't have
Prosperous Inc.
(- it's an infuriatingly idiotic opener enough posters; the corollary of my
used to create a cringeworthy sense poster-shortage being, of course, Please explain what attracted you to work for Prosperous Inc (please limit your
of mateyness), then when you first that I didn't have enough interests to answer to 150 words).
arrived in your pristinely dank little represent in poster-form. I
room you thought… bethought me: "If this is the average
Big old notice-board, better number of pins per capita, then I I am genuinely passionate about working in this industry, and am in no way motivated by the
get some pins, or "thumb-tacks," if must have fewer interests, then I large salaries or the fact that I don't want to work in places where I may come into contact
you're an idiot. You know, to adorn must be somehow below average; I with the lower classes. I have always wanted to work for you - ever since I first thought of it
these porridge-beige walls with all must be... somewhat a dull person..." last week when my parents refused to support me after I graduate. I would absolutely love
those bleak posters which show how Naturally, I was mortified.
the city life, poncing about in suits, making shed loads of cash, then taking the tube home
frighteningly high-brow yet, at the But suicide by pin pricking the skin's
same time, sensitive and humbly self- surface, well, it's not easy, because and posing with the FT while talking loudly about shares and 'credit crunches'. I feel attracted
mocking I am. pins just aren't designed with that to Prosperous Ltd for many deeply-felt and non-generic reasons. I am definitely not applying
Well, I didn't just sit there purpose in mind, which is to say they to every comparable business in the hope that one of them is careless enough to take me on
like a fool, I went to Woolworths and don't penetrate very deeply. So I gave and let me piss about on their payroll. The drive and passion I feel for this firm is even
I quickly found my quarry: Three that up quickly enough. But what
greater than for the last firm I applied to, and that time I was allowed 350 words to express it.
hundred drawing-pins. Now, I'm not was I to do with this surfeit of pins?
sure about you; as I said in many Improvise acupuncture? Use them as
ways you may not be like me, but I metallic maracas? Hide them away in Describe your personality and how you think it is suited to a career with us (150
think that three hundred is quite the cupboard and try to pretend they words).
enough; ample; more than enough, didn't exist?
even. Like I say, I don't know what Suggestions on a postcards,
Real-life three-dimensional people cannot sum up their personality accurately in 150 words
you do in your spare time with your please. Help me.
pins; frankly, I don't want to know. P.S. If anybody has any (with the exception of Peter Andre). However, I will diligently spin you all the clichés about
What you do in the privacy of your interests they'd be prepared to being a great member of a team, being a good leader, having strong drive and being a
own home with your own drawing- exchange for pins, I'd be interested committed worker. I know these are clearly suited to a career with you because it says so on
pins- Just keep it to yourself, alright! to hear. Very interested. your website, but this had no bearing on my answer. I can give you countless examples from
So, you can imagine my
my life to demonstrate these numerous qualities, as long as they can in no way be verified by
mild surprise when on closer
inspection of the squat, cylindrical you, and as long as you have not also received applications from my friends who spin the
tub I noticed a label advertising a same stories.
very special and exciting deal:
Two for Two Pounds. What have been your main extra-curricular achievements (150 words)?
I quickly did the arithmetic.
It wasn't difficult. But the result
astounded me: Six hundred sharp, When I was eleven I managed over 100 keepie-uppies. I have a 25-metre swimming badge
shiny drawing pins, for two pounds. and played one of the three kings in my primary school nativity play. I also know someone
Assuming that one uses four pins per who managed to keep his tamagotchi alive for over 5 months. Since coming to university I
poster (following principles have mostly occupied myself drinking and buying stash with 'cool' nicknames on the back so
expounded in Fermat's little-known
that other people will think I'm popular. I am, however, willing to exaggerate an incredibly
"Penultimate Theorem"), that'd be
enough for one hundred and fifty minor role I had in a group presentation until it appears that I single-handedly started a new
posters. Suddenly a sickening Pricks Durham charity and raised enough money to give 37 homeless people positions on the
executive for the 2012 Olympics.

Make Peace with T.B.

In the latest stage of Tony Blair's questions such as: How much oil do
political menopause he has released you have? Will you buy weapons
'Make Peace with T.B.' The board from me? And, Can I use your
game, suitable for ages 1-97, requires corrupt Secret Service to torture my
players to assume the character of Islamic enemies? The winning nation
any one of a variety of Middle (the one with the most affirmative
Eastern, African or Balkan nations. responses) will receive a 'state visit'
One player (chosen by democratic from T.B that will include an after-


process) will assume the identity of dinner speech normally worth
the great man himself and he/she £300,000 (available as an additional

From 9pm
will act as the 'peacemaker.' DVD priced £14.99.) MT
Competitors will attempt to answer


- Offer only available with a valid NUS card.
- The manager has the right to withdraw the offer at anytime.
- We run the challenge 21 scheme.
- Not to be used in conjunction with any other offer.
Page 9 | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Letters to the Editors

Every month, MH receives hundreds of letters. This issue, we decided to print a few
Dear MH, workload, then time management is Dear MH, Attention, all you Durham students! Paris (terrorists, fairies, bears in the case of
I've always thought of myself as your most effective solution. Break I'm interested in doing some work students are revolting - now it is our one drama company). Havoc and
being quite attractive. At school the work down into manageable experience with a newspaper. I was time! uprisings are nigh!
many of the boys went through a chunks, and get to each one wondering if your publication would Let us build on Durham's Drunken members of
phase of liking me, and I was judged individually - then it won't seem like consider allowing me to make the tea revolutionary past of Hatfield AltSoc, dissidents (well, a dissident)
'best legs' by our school yearbook. So such a big task. Remember, your and do the photocopying for a week students and feminism, 1968 from Labour: my vicious guinea pig
it worries me now that despite a college parent has done this last year or so over the summer. students protesting against dinners. and socialist students call you to
surge in cases of indecent exposure and so should be able to offer some Yours sincerely, Momentum is on our side. You can action! Let us conspicuously gather
in Durham, I have neither been advice on the amount of work you Tim Smyth sense how wild lads are getting: (army gear, please) at 6 o'clock this
flashed at nor masturbated-towards. should be doing each week. *** shouting in the streets, or running very Sunday . A commando will go
Why is this? Do I need help? Yes, I expect your around dressed in cunning disguises and infiltrate Old Shire Hall, while a
Yours worriedly, boyfriend is cheating on you. Move selected group of thirty lads will go
Raquel Robinson on. and hold the castle walls with the
*** *** help of whoever they can muster in
Dear MH, Dear MH, the bailey bars. The main bulk of our
I applied to Durham with my I'm worried about my choice of forces will occupy the DSU, and raise
boyfriend, and we've continued our career. Ever since I graduated from our flag there.
relationship, even though I'm in a hill Durham, I've been getting this empty If anyone has a flag,
college and he lives on the Bailey. feeling every time I go into work. contact me. Come along - it will be
Things were fine at first, but now he Surely this wasn't what I was good fun. The two first volunteers
always seems to be too busy to see supposed to be doing with my life? I will be provided with half a bar of
me, and I'm worried. He says it's had so many plans. I could have been Fair Trade chocolate, funded with the
because of his workload and sports someone. What should I do? Please money we stole from New Labour!
practice, but I'm scared he might help. The five next ones will be offered
actually be seeing another girl behind Doreen Jones, Careers Advisory Service free beer. This is provided they pay
my back! I've found out that he is *** their membership fee beforehand
quite close with a girl from his Dear MH, (£140, non-refundable). Brave men
building, and when I've popped in on I've been getting this feeling lately (and women) never die. As the poet
a surprise visit, I'm sure he seemed that I'm being used. I may look like a had it; "fall we may/ but never
guilty and secretive. That said, it is loveable and cuddly travel writer, but forgotten, nay / forever remembered
possible I'm simply being paranoid I have opinions too, about things like in May / loyal day today".
since I've got a large workload and world peace and top up fees. Yes - I wrote that.
am starting to stress. What should I Sometimes I think my life has Remember to keep this secret.
do? become nothing more than a cheap Commander Erik
Susie. photo opportunity. ***
Kind regards, If you want to write to us, email
Dear Susie, Bill your woes, queries or whatever to
If you're starting to stress about your ***

The Esther Rudolf Diaries: Esther Gets a Surprise

Esther Rudolf Massive. Period. Massive. Massive making a bad situation worse. I before I know it, I'm bundled into hoofed in the back of the leg by a
period. I've had a massive period! It's could leg it, but what if I leave a trail the car. I should say something. This unicorn. The doctor eyes me up and
It's Friday night and I'm at my sitting on their white sofa, staring at all up the way up the Viaduct for is exactly the time I should say down, clicking her pen repeatedly,
module buddy Mark Hilscher's me. Its expression is one of Mark to follow like a Beagle and something. But I don't want to break and takes me into a cubicle. What do
house, watching Psycho and sitting abandonment, as if it's questioning demand that I come back and clean to them the real reason why I'm now I say? What the hell do I say? She
amongst debris made up of biscuit me as to why I've left it behind. I it up? destroying the upholstery of Mark's draws the curtain on six pairs of
crumbs, pizza boxes and slightly rush out of the room and bolt I could lock myself in here car. The car jolts off, with the boys anxious eyes and sighs. "Miss
toasted housemates. Live bits of myself in the loo. What the hell do I and wait until I'm 'clean' again, like a squabbling in the back; "it's all your Rudolf, have you had a period
tuna-filling scuttle around the floor, do? low-ranking female from a Native fault, Simon. You didn't clear up all before?"
breeding, and possibly asking for First things first, I need a American hill tribe. But this would the shards of the glass unicorn you
money. There are a lot of things I'd sanitary pad. I could go in there and only encourage Mark and his broke yesterday." "I did, I did!" "But
like to do to you, you dirty dirty housemates to wee in the sink, we didn't find the foot. Where was
man. And the first thing is de-lice which is something I suspect that the fucking foot?" Mark squints at
you. Then I'd shampoo your carpet they might actually do. Plus I've got the road muttering, "you've killed
and scrub your housemates with a group project meeting tomorrow. Esther. You've literally killed Esther.
medical soap, before fumigating the Maybe they haven't noticed yet. You've killed Esther with a glass
hallway and flooding your kitchen Maybe this is an exciting addition to unicorn foot and this is exactly the
with oven cleaner. No, wait, Esther, the Psycho experience? Nope, I'm sort of thing you'd do, Simon."
calm down, he's just a friend. I'm starting to hear noises of disgust Just as quickly I'm bundled
starting to need the loo, and I need from the living room, which I think, out of the car and marched across
to work out a way of travelling from from them, is a bit rich. It could be the car park to A & E by six pairs of
the surprisingly white sofa (that'll be worse. hands. We wait for twenty minutes,
a new addition to the furniture ask his housemates if I can borrow There's a knock at the and as every minute passes, they
then), across the stepping stones of one, but I imagine that James, Nick, door. become increasingly fraught, and I'm
newspapers from 2006 and general Tom and Simon would only respond "Esther? Are you ok? more and more appallingly aware of
bits of crap, through a sea of misery with mute bewilderment. Or disgust, You've left an awful lot of blood on how I can't possibly tell them
and broken Toploader singles. when they realise that I've left the the sofa. Are you hurt? Open up." because they might actually stab me
Onward, to battle what trolls may Somme on their sofa. Oh my god. Shit. My only response to that is, and make it true. When a doctor
live in their loo! Oh Christ almighty. I could go in "I…I…I…" "Dude, look at her, does finally call me up, they all rush
I get up and turn around. there and sit down to cover it up, but she's gone all white." "Right, that's it. forward and collectively gibber a
Oh my word. Oh my god. Period. something tells me that this is only We're taking her to A & E." And story to the effect that I've been Period?
MostlyHarmless | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | Page 10

D’Heroes - Tonight on BBC2

Tonight on BBC, the gripping fantasy drama about a group of Durham citizens
who realise that they all have special powers...
Thom Addinall Biddulph turning his parents in to a Meat
Supreme. He is a nocturnal operator,
...They must save the university from preferring to work under cloak of
the clutches of the villain night and alcohol. He was
Vicechansylar, who has a plan to instrumental in stopping a previous
conquer Durham by first splitting villain, the Cal Man, by sacrificing his
people's wallets open and then own son as a Hawaiian pizza so
stealing their degrees. In tonight's greasy that it killed the Cal Man
episode, How To Stop An Exploding instantly.
Balance, the D'heroes must prevent
Vicechansylar from destroying MAGDA, Big Issue seller
Durham with a huge financial bomb. A master of deception, Magda has
For our readers, we provide a tricked most of Durham in to
character guide: believing that she is an old Romanian
woman with little English and a
BILL BRYSON, writer desire for 'bigger shoes, please'. In
Bryson is a mild mannered travel fact her piercing whistle penetrates
writer who one day discovered he people's souls and allows her to see
had the amazing ability to steal other their most basic fears and
people's blood. He has a personal desires….and then provide them
grudge against Vicechansylar, who with it in a flimsy magazine.
has prevented Bryson from actually
living in, or anywhere remotely near CAT BOY, Cat Boy
Durham, by setting up a force barrier Cat Boy can transform at will in to
that stops fat men with beards from any animal, so long as that animal is
entering the city. a cat. His power is, to be honest, of
limited use, especially as said cat
PATRICK, pizza seller wears a collar and can thus be heard
Patrick discovered his power to turn coming from a mile off. However he
anything in to a kebab or pizza at the did once distract Vicechansylar by
age of 15, and made a rapid start by batting playfully at his mortarboard. Hannah Yadi

Welcome to the MegaChurch

Nic Miller goes searching for God in the American Deep South
Nic Miller DICCU Rescue-copters, FBC-JAX. "You are reawakened". years old to fast for the month of realisation befell me - that
The pastor began by A few moments later, still Ramadan? We can change the world - Evangelism wasn't just funny. Behind
This summer I had the (mis)fortune dipping his hand into some sort of seated in the chair, I heard: we've got the ability to change the all the joyous and festive dancing and
of spending a few weeks in a small special pail, emerging with a few "God can do anything - we world! Hallelujah - say God - I'm here head-slapping and tongue-waving
town just north of Jacksonville, drops of distilled water. He then could just say, God, fix the world - to be trained - I'm here for an (after all, if "you don't have your
Florida, home to one of the country's threw the hand up in the air with an and he will! How many of you know education - I'm willing God - I'm mouth open the holy spirit can't talk
largest evangelical stadiums, the exclamation: "The power of the Lord that this is a pretty sick old world? willing to do what you want me to do through you"), and voting Republican
simply-named First Baptist Church of welcomes you; feel the heal." At other Well then, let's just fix it! Somebody - I'll say what you want me to say - in and bombing abortion-clinics, there
Jacksonville. Visit today to find out times, it was a sound I can only get your tools out and fix this whole Jesus's name. Amen!" was a dark side.
how you could purchase a 'prayer approximate as: "Ayu-chuluhluh- world! We've got too many Christian Props to the preacher in According to the
bear' for sick relatives or how to MUHLUHLUH!" adults that are fat and lazy! They don't trying to address the obesity epidemic Evangelicals, agent-of-God George
reimagine American Thanksgiving as He then slapped the want to give up their evening meal or - indeed, from the looks of the W. Bush's little foray in Iraq was
a holiday directly celebrated by Jesus. forehead of the guest. This appeared fast. Did you know that Muslims train crowd, it seemed to have afflicted always doubly justified. If smooth, it
I encourage all visitors to to induce some sort of divinely their children from when they're 5 every other person. But then a was a quick victory for Amurrica,
America to partake in the free tourist channelled black-out. One by one, the providing fuel for 30-storey
attraction of a mega-Church. Be guests ahead of me fell into the arms illuminated crosses and SUVs
careful, however. A non-rattling of the pastor, overwhelmed by what, emblazoned with witty (yet
tongue can swiftly metamorphose I suppose, could only be understood salvationary) slogans. If rough, it
into the tongue of Satan, or worse, as the power of Christ. Of course, I simply hastened the day when the
that of an agnostic. A laugh can be a lacked the belief to follow suit. I had homosexuals and abortion doctors -
sign. Not of direct communication in to hope that my acting was up to not to mention supporters of the
the holy language, but of the Devil's scratch. Failing that, the Pastor would satanic European Union - would burn
presence in the congregation's midst. have to possess an unusually strong with the arrival of the latest Devil-
So, a small group of us hand. incarnate. He would, of course,
from the outside decided to breach Luckily, the former held out initiate the final battle of good and
the holy gates with great care. Along - the pastor actually had quite a evil ending with the destruction of
with dozens of frankly loony gentle, well-moisturised hand. I fell, the state of Israel.
Southerners, we "respectfully and apparently naturally, into the arms of "I'll do whatever you tell me
earnestly" assembled one Sunday the priest while a crowd of thousands to do, Jesus. God Bless America and
morning at the pulpit - 'front-stage' - declared, "The power of Christ, a- we will prevail in Iraq - God's power
of the Church - 'convention centre' - luh-luh-luh-mah-kuh-luh." I was then gives the might and right to do
for a welcome to the First Baptist escorted to a chair by a staff member, anything. We will win!"
flock. Or, as they prefer to say, fanned with a paper bible and then
perhaps in heliport code for the given the oblique cue to wake up:
Page 11 | Issue 6, Michaelmas 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MH Feature: Recruitment Daze

Anton Lazarus steals a friend’s identity and thinks about getting a job
Anton Lazarus I find myself in a newly gentrifiedfrom and disappearing into the now
canal-side development thick fog that hugged the ground. I
It's almost midnight, it's freezing and expensive-looking apartments. A got into bed and allowed my
I'm lost. I look down the unfamiliar trendy restaurant sits in stark imagination to carry me away into a
backstreet of a corner of one of the dream of a Holiday Inn version of
contrast with a sinister mist that that
outer boroughs of our great capital. Apocalypse Now. Saj and I travelling
has set in over the deep-lock, every
A drunk stumbles past and heads type of rubbish imaginable from west on a canal boat searching for a
back towards the station from where power-crazed madman surrounded
tyres to trolleys bobs around on the
I emerged half an hour ago. I go to by faceless graduates in a forest of
gloomy tar-like surface of the water.
ask him for directions but stop as middle management office space.
I pull myself out of the dreamy state
vomit starts spewing from his dirty this nightmarish world has induced The next morning I arrived
face. at HQ a little late and with a more
in me and fall into the hotel's smart
lobby. than comfortable amount of sweat
“Good evening Sir”. engulfing my body like a great damp
“I'm hoping to “Good evening” I reply, despite my hug. Looking a little flustered I
confirm my feelings of the outside world beingnavigate security and collect a visitor
far from good and the evening now pass bearing my now familiar alias.
suspicion that by more accurately describable as the The building is impressive,
working for one of everything you could ever need
early morning. “Reservation for...” I
trail off at first but quickly findunder one roof, a combination of
the big graduate composure and throw in my friend's workspace, gym, cafés and
restaurants, a newsagent and a
name at probably the last acceptable
r e c r u i t i n g chance before Saj gets wise to me. hairdresser spread along 'the street'; a
companies you are private covered area stretching the
Poor old Saj, working the night shift.
length of the building, a bubble that
I'm sure it'd make his day to catch an
choosing to set off identity thief. once sucked into, one would literally
along the road to Obviously never leave. A depressing thought on
Anton Lazarus, tempted by employment
whether to hand myself in left a the one hand, but when considered
your eventual aside the local slums this was an oasis
strangely vacant look on my face and “Come for a day, stay for a career” procurement. Greg explains to me
Saj asked if I was okay before of corporate chic in a desert of chav pleads an introductory slide show how the company paid him living
death.” handing me a document to sign. A scum. that goes on to boast of the size of expenses, sorted him a flat, gave him
Questions as basic as 'who am I?' and signature? Saj was onto me. I did the An icebreaker was in full the company, its various famous a large bonus and huge responsibility
'what am I doing here?' buzz around swing as I arrived in a large room on
only think I could think of: “the pen products and generally how great it in his first year. His job was to buy
my head. I am assuming the identity the sixth floor with views of the
doesn't work”, but it was no use, he is. There is a real belief that being a things the company needed, anything
of a friend in order to attend an all produced another pen at lightning indoor street on one side and over part of a pharmaceutical company is from bottle tops to tables and chairs,
expenses paid graduate recruitment the depressing grey concrete sprawl
speed, like he knew what I was going a great thing, something to be proud he spoke of it with a passion and I
event at the global headquarters of a to say. Fortunately though my tiredof London to the other. The hubbub of. In whatever role you take in this was genuinely interested. I wondered
major pharmaceutical company. On mind caught up, realised Saj wasn'tof the room blurred into the company you are helping to change what it would be like, I could have
my lecture-free Monday I'm hoping Sherlock Holmes and scribbled background and I realised where I people’s lives for the better. my own flat, real responsibility, I
to confirm my suspicion that by something that could be mistaken was. This was the big business There was the usual mix of would be respected by my parents
working for one of the big graduate looking down at the masses from a
for a child's drawing of a car crash. lectures and 'interactivity' in their and friends. This is the real world, I
recruiting companies you are giant pyramid situated in this
Up in my room I locked the 'quest of the best' to help us along thought, I should accept it, I should
choosing to set off along the road to door and checked out the view seemingly unlikely spot but always “I've got a sodding go for a job now and leave the
younger me to worry about the so-
your eventual death. through the window over the canal. watching the people around. I was in
The flavourless gum in my the Ministry of Truth and
Inexplicably at this time of night a Porsche parked up called 'real worth of life'. I could be
mouth has turned distinctly tough as boat was rippling past emerging surrounded by post-teen idiots fresh
out of Aston, University of. I stood
outside and yes, I happy here, I can get an eco-loan to
buy a bicycle and live next to the
next to someone and looked down at grow bonzai trees canal. I can't live in my own little
THEM, I was part of the machine, I world all my life, I need to join in,
had crossed a line. Ignorance IS
for my room so that I've got to play the game and this
could be my first move. I look at my
strength. “Have you ever been to a when I bring phone, the text is from Magnus:
Robbie Williams concert?”
“I beg your pardon?” women back they “Have they stolen your soul yet?”.
“Have you ever been to a Robbie
Williams concert?” the girl next to
look like giants and of my soulAnd they had. A small part
had gone, I'd been sucked
me repeats as if it's the most natural that turns me on.” in and wrapped up in the potentially
thing you could ever say to a perfect warm and comforting world they
stranger: “It's one of these our 'career journeys'. We're shown a could offer me. I'd forgotten that I
questions, we've got to find someone series of propaganda videos, stories should be considering my life as
in the room for each of these of the lives changed by 'our' drugs, something precious and majestic,
categories, or do you drive a fast car but the seeming dichotomy between something that can't be packaged up
or have any unusual hobbies? I've got making money and being and sold off. I wasn't happy, I had
all the rest.” She was genuinely proud philanthropic remained below the lost. I didn't really know why I had
of this. I wanted to say yes to all surface. A speaker from marketing come here but I had hoped to assert
three. Yes I've seen that wanker live, unsettlingly moved effortlessly some kind of superiority, to sneer at
yes I've got a sodding Porsche between topics: “We know that the evils of working for evil, faceless
parked up outside and yes, I grow giving a kid a shot [of medicine] is industry. I wanted to take a free-trip-
bonzai trees for my room so that the difference between life and to-London-sized bite of the
when I bring women back they look death, it's an exciting business to be forbidden fruit and then delight in
like giants and that turns me on. But in. We're interested in brands...” I spitting it back in disgust, but instead
I didn't, I meekly said “no, sorry” wasn't sure I was comfortable here I had looked into the eyes of the
and dropped back into thought. and yet I began to be sucked in. beast and had, momentarily at least,
Everyone takes seats at one My phone gently vibrates been seduced.
Souls sold on the cheap of the ten tables in the large room. against my leg as I talk to Greg from
The Back Page
A Durham Decathlon
Robin Morris I'm polishing up a cheeky little money to buy you a couple of
number on how I totally have too drinks.
Most people are not natural many essays this year.
decathletes. This might be due to *Danger Kluting
the natural talent and constant * Asking anyone wearing a How many people can you let in the
training required for such an Keffiyeh (those chequered scarf back gate of Klute - down the steps
incredibly gruelling discipline. On things) about their Arabic outside…mind the CCTV - without
the other hand, they've probably just heritage attracting the attention of the
got the events all wrong. Where's Less than three great-grandparents bouncers? Bonus points for
the inclusiveness in an event so and you get to slap them. climbing in from the outside and
obviously biased towards those with Admittedly, this one isn't a sport so not being beaten by burley doormen
an interest in physical activity? In much as it's justice. Fashion justice. (PS. Andy, this is all a joke - just
response to this series of errors, don't bar me okay xxx)
MH presents A Very Durham * Short Loan treasure hunts
Decathlon - an event more suited to Steal someone's short loan book, * Competitive cemetery wanking
the talents and abilities of the hide it somewhere in the library and …too soon?
student of today. Roll on Beijing then leave them a series of fiendish
2008. clues to its location. Will they find it * Mobile shelving hijinks
before the library closes? Who Find the moving shelves in the
* Reverse facebooking knows! Refuse to answer to any library basement, and take your life
Don't add people after you've met name except Richard O'Brien, and if in your hands by sprinting to the
them - add them first, track their last they get upset, run off whilst wall and back as two shelves close in
two years through their photos, then shouting back that they can find you on you. Reports differ over whether
claim that you drunkenly bonded in the Aztec Zone. the moving shelves either stop when
last week and greet them they hit something, or suddenly
enthusiastically whenever you see * Stealing Jack Wills slam together in a gory spectacle of
them. Points awarded based on how It's not theft, it's redistribution of death - I've always believed the
many drinks you convince them wealth. Keep score among your second one.
they owe you. friends by tracking your earnings on
eBay. * Theology bingo
* Palatinate baiting A classic; find a theology lecture,
See if you can get the most * The ATM Jackpot bring alcohol and drink every time Clarice Holt
mundane story into the next edition Your friend might not need £200 your lecturer says "God," "Jesus" or
- the last one set a pretty high cash, but pushing the button for "Bible." Sacrelicious. Sure, you can
standard, with a gripping story them is only ever going to make the adapt this to other subjects, but it's
“It had always been Penny’s
about edits to Durham's Wikipedia night more fun. Afterwards, just not the same. dream to write a
page making it to page 3. Personally, helpfully suggest they use the dissertation on Byron”
Charitable Promotion

Durham musician Tom

Rosenthal has composed and
sings 'Smells Like Christmas
Time', recorded by his band
'Anarchy Xmas'. The Anarchy
Christmas project is a
nationwide attempt to get a
song to the Christmas No. 1
Spot whilst also raising money
for charity.
The song will be
available to download from the
iTunes website from December
10 with all proceeds going to
Oxfam, NSPCC, Cancer Welcome to another edition of much anything you can literally or editors. Drop us an email to
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It's festive pop, it's only you haven’t you’ll hopefully have finalists and want to hand the or even if you just have a crazed
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79p, it's part of a project which
based around irreverent satire and people next term. We need writers, satisfy.
is fed up with manufactured acts comment. We’re open to most page designers, photo-shoppers, Produced by:
producing non-Christmas styles of writing, about pretty copy-editors and, of course, future
songs, and it's money which will
go to worthwhile causes.