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issue 7*, epiphany 2008




“NEWS” 2-5 // COMMENT 6-9 // FEATURES 10-11 // MISCELLANY 12-16


DURHAM CONSIDERS DURHAM GRIPPED BY sporting a hoody adorned with the word
“Aggy,” causing a massive boom in
MOTTO CHANGE POMME DE TERREUR Fruit of the Loom sales. One student
University Officials are said to be Unrest among students of Durham said 'I am so relieved that stash is in –
considering changing the University University has come to light as this it's sooo flattering.'
motto from the current ‘Fundamenta year's crop of freshers have threatened Cordelia Graham
eius super montibus sanctis’, which to violently rebel against the potato-
means ‘fundamentally superior to the laden college food regime. "I can't
locals’. The change, if approved, will handle it anymore," said Hild Bede NO SEX PLEASE,
come in time for the 2008 intake. fresher Edward Maris-Piper, "before WE’RE STUDENTS
university, my body was 80% water. A report released last month revealed
Now it's 80% potato. I'm literally a that a worrying number of Durham
potato shape." undergraduates are becoming
"Everyday I have to choose between increasingly frustrated by the overload
roast potatoes, chips, potato wedges, of sexual expression being thrust into
sautéed potato, potato cubes, baked their youthful faces.
The foremost option being potatoes, reconstituted potato carrot- “I can’t cope with this anymore,”
considered is ‘Non Oxon Est’, shapes, and potato flavoured ice cream. mutters Tom Smith, a first year biology
according to a highly placed source that And that's for breakfast. I want to die." student. “I grew up on a farm, for
cannot be named for legal reasons. The Charlotte Spencer-Smith Christ's sake!” After studying female
source noted ‘The change has actually anatomy all day with no opportunity to
been a long time coming. The new DURHAM ROCKS practice non-theoretical examination,
motto will reflect the true quality of the Tom and his fellow students are
students at Durham.’ FASHION bombarded with sexual health stalls and
The proposed motto has had a mixed This season, designers from around the leaflets at their canteen. They come
reception from Durham students. Mr B world have taken their cue from Durham home to find their Proctor handing out
Sherman, Grey College, objects to the students, peppering catwalks in London, condoms in the corridors, and the
motto being in Latin, raising the astute Paris and Milan with haute couture atmosphere in Loveshack Wednesdays
objection ‘What the fuck does that sportswear and gilets. Hordes of is driving them nuts.
mean?’. Durham students breathed a sigh of “The drive to educate us is
Other mottos being considered are contentment as designers revealed their incessant,” groans Tom. “And I’m only
‘Come for the education, stay for the winter ranges of oversized personalised aware of one thing: I’m not getting any.”
simmering antagonism with the rugby shirts, quip-adorned t-shirts and Rachael Revesz
indigenous population’, ‘No darkies‘, or strange hats.
simply ‘Number Three’. British top model Agate Leyn has
Luke Blackburn even been spotted in east London

The logo of the mysterious splinter group Durham

Intercollegiate Christian Union (Nihilistic Chapter)

Poetry Corner
L. Ron Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get him some Thetan juice.
Inside Mr Cruise,
Abstaining from booze,
Said: “This Xenu chap’s rather obtuse”.
Dan Dyer
PRISON BREAK Russia at the moment that most people
will vote for whoever he wants them to.
demonstrate an accurate portrayal of life
in today's Britain for polite and
‘A HIT’ IN GAZA However, whilst the implications for the hardworking South American
Hundreds of Palestinians have been Russian Federation, the Democratic immigrants.
incorrectly released from Gaza today in Ideal and World Peace can be Anton Lazarus
a mass break out led by nondescript evil overlooked, the consequences for our
militants, following a breach in the outer
wall of the compound. One inmate,
noble jocular institutions are far-
commenting on his new freedom, spat a 'The only way it could be worse is if WATCHDOG
challenge to the Israeli government, a chicken crossed the road. I have Gordon Brown announced yesterday his
"I'm going to buy bread, cheese and nightmares about that you know,' plan to have the sleaze watchdog
petrol". Professor I P Freely, of the Department neutered. Said he: "Whilst this
The Israelis, fearing that these will for Irony said, while a colleague from watchdog was clearly useful sniffing
be used to create suicide devices against the Institute of Puns croaked: 'I might as about the legs of the Tories for hidden
their people, have pledged to capture well be dead.' bits of sleaze, in the light of the Peter
these dangerous criminals, many of Luke Blackburn Hain affair, the slobbery beast has been
whom are guilty of being practicing let loose in the Cabinet Room. It's been
Muslims in Israel.
DEEP SOUTH scuffing up the curtains, drooling on
Chris Williams ELECTION BOYCOTT Tessa Jowel's crocodile-skin stilettos. It
Several Southern states of the US have even bit Ed Balls in the, er, leg."
RUSSIAN REVERSAL announced that they will not hold the According to government sources,
Apply a thick Russian accent and say planned primaries for the Democrat the watchdog will be replaced with an
the following, 'In the West you elect party's presidential candidate. When elderly dachshund called Kinnock.
President. In Mother Russia, President asked if this was because of an objection Richard Hadden
Elects You!' Ever since Yakov Smirnoff to the flawed and complicated
popularised the Russian Reversal in the primary/caucus thingy, Texas Governor
1980s, this sentence, and sentences like Rick Perry said:
it, would have caused riotous laughter to 'No, it's just that with the two main
erupt from one’s audience. candidates being a black man and a
No more. Comedic technicians at De woman, we didn't think anyone round
Montfort University, England's joke here would vote. I mean, if the
university, have discovered that this Republican nominee had been Condi
particular Russian Reversal is actually Rice, we would just have shelved the
true. Dr Mike Hunt, Department of whole damn thing.'
Chiastic Humour, indicated his views: Thom Addinall-Biddulph
'We are quite simply astonished. Jokes Gordo at leisure
shouldn't bear any relation to reality so PIGS SHOOT BEAR
this is a big problem for us.' In the latest instalment of the children's
stories of a Peruvian bear in London, the APPLE UNVEILS
first in over twenty-five years, IDCARD
Paddington is set to be brought into life Following on from a successful range of
in twenty first century Britain. Apple products including the iPhone,
In addition to the already announced iBook and iHouse, the iD Card,
"detention by the immigration services" designed as a popular replacement for
incident, it has now emerged that the the ID Card, was unveiled at a press
book will culminate with Paddington conference yesterday by Home
being brutally murdered by armed Secretary Jacqui Smith and Apple co-
police on an underground train, founder Steve Jobs.
ironically at the station whose name he Despite the relative lack of interest
has taken. Insiders have described how in the Apple Exam introduced in 2006 –
Paddington is to be dramatically the iBeClever, often abbreviated to the
pursued through London before being iBe – government officials have
pinned down on a train seat and, without remained determined to work with the
warning, shot at eleven times. Six technology and lifestyle gurus. Mr Jobs
Vlad in action bullets will hit his head and one cut explained: “For those worried about
The development was precipitated through his shoulder. security, rest assured; only the
by the nomination of Dmitry Medvedev While critics of the new story line Government, Apple, and carefully
to be the next president of the Russian have described it as "barbarous," selected third parties will have access to
Federation by the incumbent Vladimir "tasteless" and "totally unsuitable for your more personal details.
Putin. Putin's popularity is such in children," the publishers are keen to Simon Castle



The Durham outlet of controversial optimistic price scheme, but to one of armbands, wasn't it? I guess they're
clothing label Jack Wills was this week these unlucky bastards it must seem like more like reverse Nazis. But definitely
besieged by a raging crowd of slavering Stalin met the Monopoly man and had a still bad." He went on for some time.
protesters, who dubbed the North Bailey socially apocalyptic lovechild. They'll
shop a "pestilent cathedral of find themselves forced to drone on and
nightmares and children's tears." on about the issue for hours at a time to
This comes as the latest in a string of anyone who'll listen - we found one poor
incidents highlighting the bizarre level lad who was reduced to standing in front
of anger evoked by the clothing chain. of a mirror all day, just muttering '£15
Whilst the spectacle of such visceral for a pair of socks!' to himself. Tragic,
fury being directed against a high street really."
brand initially appeared to defy rational In an attempt to gain some insight
explanation, Professor Gethyn Old, a into the condition, your correspondent
geneticist attached to the University's flirted with perilous levels of tedium by
Department of Things People Need to voluntarily talking with one of those
Get Over Because Seriously Guys, affected. Thudmer Boresom, creator of
claims to have found the source of the Facebook group 'I hate Jack Wills more Jack Wills, Durham Branch
baffling phenomenon. than everyone else to the extent that I There does, however, seem to be
Research in the department suggests am forced to physically harm myself to some hope of respite for those tiresome
that exotic additives used in the express my rage' was more than happy unfortunates who have been affected.
preparation of Jack Wills apparel trigger to chat. Professor Old suggests that the strategic
a 'self-righteous egalitarian rage gene' He immediately launched into a employment of phrases such as "oh
found in a small section of the tirade of near concussion-inducing hush, you hopelessly boring tool" or
population. "These poor souls lose all dullness, suggesting that "Jack Wills is "fuckin' damn it, going on about Jack
sense of proportion about trivial issues literally, literally disgusting. Distinctive Wills got old in Epiphany 2006" can at
like high street labels," the Professor clothing to mark out membership of a least reduce the frequency of irritating
explained. group…is anyone else reminded of a anti-Wills outbursts. MH can only
"To you or I, Jack Wills is a harmless little thing called Nazi Germany? Except recommend his advice and hope for the
Abercrombie & Fitch clone with an it was the Jews that had to wear the best.

Tom England



I'm on a date! I'm on a date! At least, I does the lean. Am I ready for the lean?
think I'm on a date. I'm at the back of the The lean is approaching, but I haven't GREER’S FAIRYTALES:
Market Tavern with an offensive tasting
alcopop and a boy/man (it's difficult to
decided what I think about it yet. I
mean, the lean is the sort of action that
tell at this age, every male person looks forces you to… oh wait, the lean has MODERN INTERPRETATIONS FOR
like a man until he shaves his beard off happened, and now we have face THE ENLIGHTENED LADY
to reveal a high-achieving fourteen- contact. I deliberated for too long, like
year-old). the United Nations Security Council, 1.Traditional Feminist take
This is what Americans call a date, and now loads of people in Africa are
and what the English tentatively call, 'a dead, and a boy from my module is Cindy is quite attractive and pretty
friendly drink and a catch-up, 10pm at kissing me. clever. She meets a complete prince
the Market Tavern, yeh?' because this is Oh no! Is that his tongue? So soon? I charmer at a party who asks her out.
what you'd normally do with the boy haven't opened my mouth yet, I'm not However, her step mother won't let her
you know a bit but not that well who sits ready to open my mouth, it's untimely. go and makes her stay home and study.
next to you in 'Research Methods: Christ, he's licking my teeth, he's Unhappy, she consults the Earth
Approaches and Paradigms'. actually licking my teeth. I'm just Goddess for help but receives a
standing here, letting him lick my teeth. relevant text book instead.
“Don’t stick your It's ok, Esther, just close your eyes
and think of 'Research Methods:
Cindy got all As and went on to
become a top human rights barrister.
tongue in my ear! Approaches and Paradigms'. He's still She lived happily ever after with her
For the love of God licking my teeth. And my lips… and my
face? 'Research Methods: Approaches
supportive life partner Dave, whom
she met at a Germaine Greer reading at
don’t tongue my ear” and Paradigms'! His mouth is all over Glastonbury. When they adopted an
my chin! ethnic baby he quit his job so he could
Maybe after this, I can invite him 'RESEARCH METHODS: be a stay-at-home dad. She lives
back to mine, on an obviously flimsy APPROACHES AND PARADIGMS!' happily ever after.
pretext. I love obviously flimsy pretexts; This is horrible! I can't bear this! I'm just
they're both shit and THE shit: 'Oh, holding my face here to be polite! His 2. Faux-feminist version
fancy a cup of lemon tea in my room at tongue starts to migrate, away from my
eleven thirty at night? Yes, that would be mouth and central face area, across my Charmer was an absolute fitty who
lovely - mmm, lovely lemon tea, this is cheek. asked geek-chic Cindy to a charity
nice, how lovely and innocuous to be Don't stick your tongue in my ear! ball. She slept with him on the first
having a lovely cup of lemon tea in your For the love of God, don't tongue my date because she was a liberated 21st
room late at night with a bit of soft ear! If he tongues my ear, I will have to century woman on the pill for
lighting. run home immediately and bleach my convenience. He bought her a kinky
There's absolutely no way that we're entire head, and that will hurt a lot. pole dancing kit so she could tone up in
about to have sex. Sex? Haha, the idea Damnit! I'm just going to have to be a sexy way as a liberated 21st century
is practically risible!' Maybe after, or rude! woman.
even during, sex, we can talk about I rip my head away from his tongue, She learnt to please him with sex
'Research Methods: Approaches and blurt something about 'Research tips she learnt at the erotic massage
Paradigms'. Ah, what a great module. Methods: Approaches and Paradigms', class she attended as a liberated 21st
Heh, maybe I can be qualitative data and run away so quickly I trip over my own century woman. They got married and
he can be quantitative data, and we can foot, and fight like a dog to get up again she stayed at home to look after the
triangulate. Godamnit Esther, stop so that he won't come and help me. I kids, as she was at ease with her innate
thinking dirty about 'Research Methods: run, madly, desperate, flailing, all the motherly instincts as a liberated 21st
Approaches and Paradigms'! way home, and slam the door violently century woman. He lives happily ever
It's past last orders so we grab our behind me. after.
coats and step out into the While I catch my breath, a wave of
disappointingly still chilly Durham air. relief rushes over me. Oh thank god. 3. Equality Cinderella
Christ, I haven't actually listened to a Thank bloody god. My flatmates are
single thing he's said all night. There's out, there's lemon tea in the cupboard, Cindy and Charmer went for a coffee,
literally only one thing on a girl's mind. 'Collecting Numerical Data: Issues in split the bill, realised they wanted
And that's 'Research Methods: Research' lies, provocatively, on the different things in life and went their
Approaches and Paradigms'. table. Baby, let's get it on. separate ways. They live happily ever
We're saying our goodbyes and he after? Katy Fitzpatrick



Kenya is currently in a bit of a state -

The only news we ever get from there
a pickle, if you will. Some people is of war, disease or famine. We
seem to be killing each other, others believe that these things are
are running dodgy elections, and the unchanging entities which will always
rest of the world looks puzzled and exist in Africa, because they are what
says: 'but I went on holiday there lastcharacterises the continent.
year and it seemed nice.' Consequently, it is beyond our own
News coverage of the Kenyan capacity to resolve such a mind-
crisis does little to answer any of ourbogglingly complex situation. Rarely
confused questions as to what exactly are we asked to confront the issues
is going on. Normally you see a that motivate such violence.
conventionally dishevelled (white) Over Christmas I was discussing a
English journalist standing in front ofrecent business trip my cousin had
a group of smiling/chanting/starving taken to South Africa. Whilst she was
(black) Kenyans. He/she will probably there a murder had taken place in her
say something about the death toll of hotel. It was a basic, un-extraordinary
innocent Kikuyu/ Kalenjin (who all murder; a personal feud motivated by
seem to look the same to us) and then personal reasons. In short, it was the
the film will cut to a shot of some sort of murder that happens all over
young men running around the the world every day of the year.
vicinity of a burning building. At someHowever, my cousin, who is an
point there will be gunshots. intelligent, well educated professional
Sometimes the correspondent will woman, chose to attribute the murder Simply ‘what they do’?
give us two minutes of rather garbled to the fact that 'they have no real
explanation. We hear names of tribes perception of the value of human life burning stuff. Kenyans are killing
of whose significance we have no real there.' Kenyans because they are poverty
understanding, political leaders who stricken, disenfranchised and used as
we imagine as corrupt megalomaniacs “she has become dispensable pawns in dangerous
and a comment from someone in the
British or American government
imbued with the political games.
The modern Kenyan state has
saying we really should do something unthinking impulse failed its people, so they have resorted
(quite what is not generally revealed.)
that Africa is a to the collective security that their
tribal identity gives them. Violence
place in which the against another tribal group becomes a
rational means of dissent because it
normal rationality seems to be the last available means of
of human asserting one's economic and political
grievances. Violence has been
behaviour has projected onto the old model of savage
ceased to function.” and divisive tribalism, but in reality its
prime motivations are things we are
My cousin is not a racist, but it all familiar with and should attempt to
seems that she has become imbued understand.
with the unthinking impulse that
Africa is a place in which the normal
rationality of human behaviour has
Visit the Website
ceased to function. People kill each Want more where this came
other because this is simply ‘what they from? We have far more good
do.’ This is patently not the case. stuff sent in than we can print.
Fratricidal violence as we are now Get a taste of it on our website,
seeing in Kenya is terrible, but as with which has all our back issues and
Pawns in a dangerous game all violence, it has a strange and awful exclusive material regularly
rationality to it. This will only be updated on the blog.
Basically, we don't understand why discovered if we take the time to dig
things happen like they do in Africa. beneath the lazy pictures of black men

It was a front-page splash in Palatinate. him and that, it seemed, was that. Why planning to do so. Iran might strike an
'Durham Terror Shock,' screamed the did we lose interest so quickly? aggressive pose towards the United
headline. Inside, articles cited dubious It hinges on the word 'terror'. Once States - though, according to the recent
academic reports warning of 'Islamic he was painted as a 'terrorist,' Tajik and National Intelligence Estimate, it is not
extremists' in Durham, while an his case became irredeemable, developing nuclear weapons - but is
editorial claimed that 'terrorism had indefensible. We assumed, doubtless, anyone seriously suggesting that it
reared its ugly head in a small that Durham had had a lucky escape, wants to use night vision goggles to
university town in the North of that US-administered justice had been invade Los Angeles? The link is
England.' served, and that all was right in this best tenuous.
Now, just over a year on, what's of all bubbles.
happened to the man at the centre of the It's not quite that simple. Entrapping
issue, Nosratollah Tajik? Flo Herbert, suspects in this way is banned in
the DSU President, wasn't sure. 'I'm Britain. In 2003, a judge rejected a
sorry, who?' 'No-one even mentions £15million fraud case because he
him any more,' said a tutor from the deemed police sting tactics to have
Institute for Middle Eastern and Islamic 'overstepped the line between
Studies, where Mr Tajik had taught legitimate crime detection and
languages. 'Most people don’t even unacceptable crime creation'.
know who he is.' Moreover, the crime of which Tajik
is accused of isn't illegal in the UK.
When the case came to a UK court in
April 2007, it would have been
perfectly possible to disallow Tajik's
Yet the 'terror' connection seems to
have made all the difference. The
district judge ruled that 'the intended
effect of the alleged actions was to Goggles: Cause for Extradition?
bring about harm within the US,' and
granted his extradition. Britain's extradition agreement with
the US is infamously one-sided. British
Tajik: Appealing Extradition “Why have we so police must show a 'reasonable case'
against the suspect to bring them to the
Tajik may be out of our minds, but assiduously ignored UK.
he's only barely out of sight. He lives
with his family four miles away from
all of this? Has the The Americans have no such
obligation, a problem brought to public
Durham in Coxhoe, rarely leaving the concept of attention by the NatWest Three's
house. His car and home have been
attacked four times. And he's appealing
'terrorism' itself forcible removal to Houston for their
alleged role in the Enron scandal in
his extradition order to the United become so mundane 2006. Tajik is planning to appeal
We all seem to have forgotten about
that we don't think against the decision, but in the face of
American pressure, his prospects don't
Mr Tajik pretty quickly. The former to give it a second look good.
Iranian ambassador to Jordan was
entrapped by US Homeland Security glance?” Why have we so assiduously
ignored all of this? Has the concept of
agents in November 2006, allegedly Tajik was allegedly selling arms to 'terrorism' itself become so mundane
caught on film agreeing to sell night- Iran; Iran has links with Hezbollah, the that we don't think to give it a second
vision goggles to Iran. Palatinate told us Lebanese Islamist group; therefore he glance? Did we assume Tajik was guilty
that he was due to be extradited to face must have been selling arms to merely because the Americans said so?
trial in the United States. Hezbollah. By extension, went the US Or, even worse, because he was
After that, we heard nothing more. line, Tajik was himself a terrorist. Iranian? Whatever the outcome of this
Not a mention in any of the student The logic of the judge's decision case may be, it is a damning indictment
papers - MH included - nor a comment bears closer examination. Hezbollah on us, and the university as a whole,
from the DSU; nothing. The university haven't launched any terrorist attacks that the vast majority of us haven't even
hurriedly distanced themselves from 'within the US,' and aren't suspected of heard of Nosratollah Tajik.



A strange old riddle, peculiar to those of special level of hell'), one is advised to handshake is a vital social tool.
mischievous temperament, runs thus; instantly shake hands with every However, present a stranger with your
"What do men do standing up, women interviewer before resigning oneself to hand today, complete with
do sitting down and dogs do on three the relentless agony of Appearing unthreatening smile and friendly
legs?" Clever Under Pressure. greeting, and you might as well have
The answer is, of course, shake offered them a mouldy haddock.
hands. Those of you who thought I am forced to admit that, yes, a
otherwise should congratulate handshake is a little old-fashioned, a
yourselves on the cultural British little bit traditional. I would like to point
double-entendre heritage you have out however, that we do not shun
absorbed into your subconscious. And traditions such as being nice to old
perhaps lay off the Carry On films. ladies or refusing to confront people
The humble handshake has been a who push into queues in front of us.
bastion of greetings since the first Such things are bastions of our social
ancient tribes showed each other that conventions. They have made Britain
they carried no weapons, whilst A handshake solves all great; or, at least, tolerable. In light of
simultaneously keeping the members of Another example is that of our this, let us make a vow together.
the other tribe safely at arm's length. The benevolent and all-knowing rulers on Let us throw off the shackles of this
most effusive of Victorian greetings high (read: 'self-serving political money era of endless embracing. Let us cast
centered on a vigorous pumping up and barons'), who utilise the handshake to aside the need to greet a new
down (steady on double-entendre portray international harmony. You may acquaintance with nothing more than an
readers) of your fellow man's hand as notice their simultaneous use of a smile awkward smile. Let us reject The
you warmly welcomed him with a cry of of remarkably false sincerity. "See Ruler Cuddle. Let us reclaim the handshake - a
"Good Lord, Jenkins, my dear fellow!" of Country X? See how we shake firm, honest and direct expression of our
The name might have been optional, but hands? See how we touch like Victorian human love for one another, a love that
the handshake itself was a vital gentlemen? This shows that we like does not require full body contact or
component. Country X and wish to trade amiably unnecessary touching. Let us remember
Even today, in our sexually- with them, and that they have absolutely that eye contact is as valid as chest
enlightened, touchy-feely age, this no oil reserves whatsoever. Country Y, contact. Let us step forwards, hand-in-
simple gesture carries a considerable however, with its vast oil fields and marginally-damp-hand, into a new and
weight in certain circumstances. Upon unfamiliar religion…" wonderful future.
entering a room for a formal interview, For the contact-sensitive, the Want to shake on it?
(otherwise known as 'descending to a conservative and the unclean, the

TKMaxx is the shopping destination money by giving boring people a

WHY I HATE TKMAXX of choice for stupid people. People that uniform.
ANTON LAZARUS want “Big labels. Low prices.” People In twenty-first century Britain,
who think that having “Quiksilver”, identity is open to the free market.
Never trust a shop that values “Adidas” or “Nike” plastered across Buying clothing with a certain brand
Reccomended Retail Prices; question their clothing somehow increases its, name is self-pigeon holing, at a cost, for
one that believes in perpetual and their, worth. People who don’t boring people.
promotion; but avoid like the plague understand, or want to bypass, the TKMaxx’s “concept” allows people
any establishment that doesn't practice already moronic concept of paying extra to buy themselves a cheap identity, in
safe X. for a brand to be associated with its every sense of the word. Cheap because
The premise of TKMaxx, what they carefully and expensively crafted it’s £20 off the RRP, and cheap because
irritatingly refer to as their “concept”, is image. an identity based on big-business
to buy ‘big label’ clothing in bulk and To wear an obviously branded item marketing should be worth nothing.
sell it on from their bomb-site shops at: of clothing is in invitation. An invitation I hate TKMaxx because they make
“Always up to 60% off!”. ‘Always up to: 'look at me, look at my brand and money by selling this worthless
to’? That doesn’t make sense. I object to associate me with a certain image.' This "identity" and then boast that it’s good
limiting a sale price and then using it as logic demonstrates a belief in the value. Or maybe I'm just bitter because
a marketing device, but I suppose it importance of being peer-reviewed. It’s they only had those Abercrombie and
doesn’t surprise me that it works. Why? not “good dress sense” to wear brands, Fitch jogging-pants in XXL.
Because TKMaxx is a shop frequented it’s latching onto an image that has been
exclusively by morons. created to make copious amounts of

The scoop ran across the front page of the Palatinate:
In conjunction with Private Eye, we’re giving away a council in crisis over Loft turning into a strip club. If this
free year’s subscription to their acclaimed satirical wasn’t Durham, with its adorable and rather comforting
publication. All you have to do is demonstrate your lack of anything like news, you’d think they were
worthiness to receive such a coveted prize: installing a budget nuclear waste dump.
The article reported that there’s even a Facebook group
To enter, complete one of the sentences below in
less than 150 words: with over 300 members (at the time of writing there were
//‘I think Bill Bryson should be replaced by the 254 – always good to see the Big P really energising a
talking PG Tips chimp as chancellor of the university debate). That compares to over 200 groups, with a good
because…’ 500,000 members, devoted to stepping on crunchy leaves;
//‘I think DSU president Flo Herbert should be made truly, the Loft Crisis of ’08 is the issue of our generation.
to apologise to West Africa for the ravages of slavery The DSU had already weighed in a few months back
committed against the ancestors of its inhabitants 200 with a survey about student safety on North Road,
years ago…’ reporting back that there had been “mixed results” but that
//‘I don’t really think much about anything, but hey definitely “some” students were concerned. Some? Call
here's this other interesting thing...’ us cynics, but that sounds to us like a weaselly way of
saying that most people weren’t really fussed. Apparently
Entries should to be submitted to the idea of groups of drunk people on North Road wasn’t with the subject such a shocking prospect to the average Durham student
line: 'Private Eye' - the best will be published after all.
online and in the next edition. The winner will be
announced on the website. Submit entries by 5pm We don’t, of course, mean to come out swinging for
on Friday 15th February. strip clubs. They’re a bit seedy and pathetic at the best of
times, and there are valid reasons to consider them
genuinely unpleasant. On the other hand, that doesn’t
make it a good idea to whip up spurious safety concerns
over a club which (if it ever opens) will probably have a
negligible impact upon life in Durham. The DSU’s own
survey sounds like it showed that the student population is
largely apathetic. Here’s to that – a tried and tested student
position, and on this occasion a well thought-out one too.

Who Made This?

Editors: Tom Walker, Magnus Taylor, Siddharth Khajuria
Editorial Consultant: Anton Lazarus
Sub-Editors: Robin Morris, Thom Addinall-Biddulph,
Cordelia Graham, Charlotte Spencer-Smith, Nick
Collins, Richard Hadden, Chris Williams, Rachel
Rutty, Maxime Dargaud-Fons, Alaric Green
Chief Copy-Editor: Claire Turner
Copy Editors: Lucy Davies, Tobias White, Rebecca
Newsom, Lucy Eldred
Images:Jack Logue, Alexander Walker
Cartoons: Clarice Holt, Tom England, Dan Dyer, Ben
Finance and Logistics: John Corcoran
Marketing: Alaric Green
Distribution: Izzy Arundell
Designed by: Siddharth Khajuria
Printed By: Sharman & Co:

Durham. Famous for being the land of insofar as nights there take place to the of stripey, dishevelled, indie charm. To
the Prince Bishops. Famous for being accompaniment of songs that, shock say that Cool Fun is rickety and relaxed
the last resting place of the Venerable horror, you might not have heard is rather an understatement. On an
Bede. And slightly less famous for before. And not just other songs by average night you can expect the
being the subject of a rather dull Old Whigfield (I'm reliably informed they microphone to fall over at least once,
English poem. This obviously, adds up do exist). someone to rush back to their bag half
to a place that is alive with fun and I have been going to Cool Fun for a way through their set to retrieve a
lights and music every night. As befits while now, and although audience forgotten prop, and for Jenni (who
a city that once ruled the northeast, it is numbers vary it is one of the few things comperes the evening) to say she's
now a thriving metropolis offering in Durham worth a second glance. 'really excited' at least seven times.
many destinations for a staggering Unlike most club nights in the city, The thing is, I think she probably is
range of nights out… dancing isn't required. However, if genuinely excited, with life, with
At this point we hit a problem. during the evening you decided you talking to the people in the front row
Durham isn't a thriving metropolis. It wanted to stand on your chair, sing the and probably with a set of brand new
isn't really a city, to be honest, and even national anthem and pull out your best colouring pencils she was given for her
its claim to the name 'town' is dubious. moves, it would probably be welcomed birthday back when she was eight. As
For a night out your choices, if you as an amusing diversion rather than an with everyone who performs or attends
don't just want to get wasted and whirl irritating nuisance. Cool Fun, she looks like she is actually
around in a frenzy of barely consensual enjoying herself.
hugs, Whigfield and vomit, are
essentially breaking in to the Botanic
“If you decided to I make no pretensions that, thanks
to Cool Fun, Durham is the new
Garden or chasing the horses that stand on a chair London. It's not a slick, professional
occasionally live on Whinney Hill (not
that I condone either of those
and pull out your outfit; it's not going to overshadow the
Prince Bishops in Durham's history just
activities…publicly). best moves, you’d yet; it might not be quite your thing.
So, anything a wee bit different But it's something different and
(within limits- arson is still illegal in probably be enjoyable, an alternative to somewhere
this country, I remind you) is good.
Like Cool Fun: a small, silly, rickety
welcomed” that actually makes a virtue of being
'Europe's second-worst nightclub', so at
stand-up comedy night held every The night was started over a year least give it a try, and realise that there
second Sunday at Fishtank; a bar that ago by members of the Durham Revue is, in fact, more to life than being able
offers something more than cheap and Wittank. It's now run by Jez Scharf to throw up in purple following the
drinks and questionable music. Well, and Jenni Armstrong who are both full Brownie Bomber.

Clarice Holt



DULOG's 'Anything Goes' is just like after. But it's also not awkward, because DULOG performance. I say it to myself,
soup. When it's fresh out of the fridge, the production is self-aware, and so slowly. I never thought this was possible.
the texture is batty and it tastes a bit like light-hearted that there's no room to Director Alex Carey, in an interview with
a fart-version of itself. Bung it on the hob resist it. A few scenes later, the very Durham21, says she's "looking forward
though, and it's DeLightful, its DeSoupy, same sailors, in nothing but bow ties, to buying a G&T as the curtain goes up".
its DeCreamy, it's DeLovely. straddle a piano/each other. They have Well, a queue of people will want to buy
It's Tuesday; first night, cheap night. found their 'laddy fair'. And the show has it for her; and also for choreographer
We are the 7 pound crowd - we'll found its Gramophone groove. Lily Howkins and dancing godman Ben
sacrifice quality to save a quid - it's who The cast: if I could type and give Skinner. And all of the chorus. In fact,
we are, it's what we do. I've taken it one them a standing ovation at the same time, they're on me… Land ahoy! Everyone to
step further: seats with restricted vision. I would. Ben Starr's Billy Crocker is the bar!
Nothing but the best. The ticket lady charismatic and plausible. When singing
lured me into it. "It's where the box was"
she said. Ooooh, the box, I thought,
in a lower register, you could shut your
eyes and pretend you were listening to “If I could type and
Posho! I shall wear my Theatre Coat! No Rex Harrison (a regular fantasy of mine). give them a standing
need, I'm up with the Untermenschen in Reno Sweeney (Hannah Craine), the
the wings. Worst still, one must crane evangelistic nightclub singer, gives a ovation at the same
one's neck in order to peruse the stage. measured performance, and her voice time, I would”
Bollocks to buggery, one thinks, where is has a 40's twang to it, a warm crackle
my Lucozade bottle full of wine? which makes it like listening to one of Or not. That was definitely the
the greats through a vintage LP player. Lucozade bottle (formerly) full of wine
“We’re the £7 Public enemy no. 13, Moonface Martin
(Matthew Johnson), is dripping wet with
talking. It's not even over yet. During the
final reprise, the entire cast move as one.
crowd: we'll sacrifice stage charm; his comic timing is I'm reminded of a gospel church. Palms
impeccable, and we relax in his criminal are outstretched in the sky and there's
quality to save a hands. It may be the Lucozade bottle (by something rapturous and religious about
quid, it's who we are, now a quarter) full of wine speaking, but their smiles. They aren't "do it for the
it's what we do”
I think I'm in love. blinky at the back of the London

Cole Porter's 'Anything Goes' is a

musical farce, set aboard the
transatlantic S.S American. It's about
wide-boy Billy Crocker who stows away
to win the heart of engaged debutante
Hope Harcourt. It's also about eccentric
earls and nightclub singers, fake vicars
and Chinese reborn Christians, finger
snapping and toe tapping, incongruous
love matches that shuffle into place for
the finale. Anything Went
It doesn't start well. It is awash with
technical hitches. The conductor knits Lord Evelyn Oakleigh (Joel Bubbers) Palladium" smiles, they are real smiles.
very nice music, but it is also very, very, also floats my SS American. He is the They are having such fun. And it's
troublesomely loud. Microphones perfect English caricature; awkward and infectious.
unstick from sweaty cheeks and for the oversensitive, but, paradoxically, spindly Afterwards, as we all swarm down
first few numbers, all lyrics are lost at and bendy enough to be a contortion the stairs of the Gala, we recreate the
sea. The audience are dry-teethed with artist. His pinched-nose newsreader RP sound of the orchestra warming up
panic. Two. More. Hours. Man over is also a wonderful antidote to the before the show. Everyone is singing
board; and it's suicide. occasionally hammy American accents, their favourite riff under their breath, or
But then, as if by microwave, it and his solo, where he recounts a romp tattooing a beat on the banister. I think
warms up. Tense muscles melt, and with a girl called Plum-Blossom in a rice "buoyant" is what we feel.
everything is looser, lighter, better. 4 field, is arguably the play's funniest, I go home to put drawing pins in my
camp, tank-topped sailors sing "There finest moment. shoes (on the underside of my soles,
will always be a lady fair". It is certainly But it's all good, actually. In fact, it's nothing kinky) and tap dance 'til my toes
not a lady these particular gentlemen are rather brilliant. I'm having fun at a ache.

the Durham Union Society

February 8th: This house fears Iran
February 15th: This house favours an independent Scotland
February 29th: The house would boycott the Beijing Olympics

Sir Mike Jackson, former Chief of the General Staff

Sir Ian Blair, Metropolitan Police Commissioner
Ali Ansari, Chatham House’s specialist on Iran
Peter Tatchell, human rights campaigner two former leading politicians.

Life Membership

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"The highest scoring candidates at the with a transparent fibreglass sneeze- some 'choice' looking slices of pickled
shortlisting stage will be invited to guard. Their assessors would be stern- cucumber. He looks up timidly,
attend a pre-assessment centre lunch (5 faced, sharp-eyed and straight-nosed, importunately at the assessors, as if for
September) and the assessment centre with silver-rimmed spectacles to match approval. Inscrutably, dispassionately,
(10-12 September).” the cart: ring-bound pocket notebook in they simply observe. One blinks,
“The buffet lunch is not part of the one hand, and a sharpened pencil in the another yawns. The applicant panics;
selection process but will offer the other, observing closely behind the they are growing bored - 'shit,' he thinks,
opportunity to meet fellow candidates service. 'I had better make my choice.' Bravely,
and lawyers in the recruiting a little too quickly even, he plunges the
departments and also find out more metallic freak-tweezers into the
about the processes involved on the gherkin-slices, and emerging,
assessment day." triumphantly allows them to drop onto
his plate. He looks up again, this time
This extract was reproduced with kind defiantly - but the assessors are
(lack of) permission from the Special impassive as a row of rooftop gargoyles.
Recruitment Website of the Government Afterwards, his nerves placated, he
Legal Service. They also tell you that takes some salmon cutlets and - for
applicants must have a First or 2:1. One added sophistication - a small-sized
would have thought that anyone capable chicken quiche.
of such academic attainment wouldn't Tortuously, this ritual is repeated
need to be reassured that "the buffet twelve times over; one candidate after
lunch is not part of the selection another: it takes about three hours. Each
process." But perhaps not; perhaps the time the Assessors are just as impassive
GLS is responsible for those helpful and dispassionate. Many opt for the
little warnings on the sides of coffee- Choose Wisely... cutlets, fewer for the cold saltbeef; but
cartons; "Cuidado, Caliente!" Italicised The first hopeful proceeds. With each and every one succumbs to the
for emphasis... Thanks for that. Yeah, meticulous care he takes a polished seductive charm of the chicken quiche.
Muchas Gracias, Pajeros. brown tray and places it on the bright
silver rails, he equips himself with all “like a comically
“Those helpful little the necessary accoutrements: cutlery
and crocs. He shimmies slowly - oversized pair of
warnings on the side painfully- along. Then, unable to bear tweezers from some
the tension; to resist the temptation, he
of coffee-cartons; sneaks a fugitive glimpse of his terrible nightmare”
“Cuidado, Calinte!” assessors - The Judging Panel. They
remain inscrutable as statues. He It subsequently transpires that the
Italicised for regains his composure: 'play it cool,' he quiche is contaminated with a
emphasis... Thanks thinks, 'like Samuel Jackson in that particularly virulent strand
film.' Involuntarily the theme-tune to Salmonella. When all are seated, the
for that. Yeah, 'Shaft' begins to play in his head - inscrutable assessors suddenly undergo
Muchas Gracias, suddenly, to his horror, he is smiling - it a sinister transformation. They adorn

couldn't be any worse! Quickly he themselves with gaily-coloured party
controls himself. 'Discipline,' he thinks; hats, pull loud, colourful party-
'focus - I got a decent 2:1 after all.' streamers and blow on high-pitched
I'd like to imagine that the GLS are Steadily, he surveys the plastic inflatable whistles, whilst prancing
cleverer than that; that, despite what compartments of food before him, around with big red rubber noses
they say, it's a double-bluff and the trying to keep up an air of nonchalance. attached to their faces. All this takes
buffet-lunch actually is a part of the Picking up that instrument (which is place to the musical accompaniment of
selection process. I'd like to imagine peculiar to buffet-scenarios, like a Prokofiev, being blasted in the
those hopeful fledgling legal-eagles, comically oversized pair of tweezers background.
immaculate in their breeches or sensible from some terrible nightmare), he "Surprise!" they shout sassily, as
skirts, queuing up nervously behind one considers frantically what he should they dance demoniacally about the
another as they proceed slowly - hearts select. His arm moves with the applicants, who are left writhing and
thumping almost audibly - towards a mechanical rigidity of an amusement moaning in agony on the polished
bright, shiny silver buffet-cart, complete arcade claw, pathetically hovering over parquet floor.

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