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issue 10, epiphany 2010

WE’RE BACK!
NEWS // FEATURE // COMMENT // MISC // 16 PAGES - NO ADS
2 News In Brief MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010
IN THIS ISSUE... did not go far enough. “If we don’t claims of prior disappointments,
include wrappers in this proposal, we are leading to mounting pressure from
DUS INVITES TALIBAN TO going to find ourselves in a really sticky several parties. “The growth of this
SPEAK, SEE PAGE 13. situation.” Despite gum-crime in the scheme relied on erected scanners
North-East being at its highest level for performing well, and it has become
RSPCA INVESTIGATES DUCK several decades, the DSU still officially apparent that they fail at the critical
NAKED CALENDAR SHOOT defends its students’ right to chews. moment”, said a lucky spokesman.
MH will be watching intently as this
HUNG DEBATE OVER SHARIA
story expands.
LAW NICK CLEGG SAYS
WORDS
DAILY EXPRESS EXCLUSIVE!
Following Palatinate’s scoop on CALLS FOR TIGHTER
DIANA’S LAST WORDS: ‘DODI,
I THINK WE’RE MOVING TOO Nick Clegg’s liberal tendencies, CONTROL ON
FAST’ MH can reveal he has also said PORNOGRAPHY
many, many words in his lifetime. Two new Bills were introduced in
Not only does he want world peace Parliament on Thursday, further limiting
PROFESSOR REGAN IS and lower taxes, but he also strongly what can be shown in pornographic
AMAZING opposes unemployment and people material. The first outlaws torture and
MH can officially confirm Professor feeling sad. He has yet to declare his some forms of bondage, with the second
Regan is one of the nicest guys around. views on cancer research. extending bestiality to cover deceased
With his stunning knowledge, inspired animals. Calls for these two Acts to
insight, and astounding dedication to the be combined have been dismissed as
English department; he is by far the most flogging a dead horse.
talented and approachable lecturer, and
probably the best thing to ever happen to
Durham university. In other news, MH’s
MITIGATING
editor is still one signatory short for his CIRCUMSTANCES CLAIM
MA application. About this big... REJECTED
Simon Copath, who earlier in the
DURHAM NUS DELEGATE term murdered his entire family
TEARS UP CV in an attempt to claim mitigating
“I failed three summatives campaigning circumstances on a particularly
for that position. How am I meant to get weak essay on 18th century dining
a summer internship now? I’m going to etiquette, has had his claim rejected.
have to relaunch a student newspaper or In a written statement, the committee
said that Simon’s circumstances
something.”
were not, in fact, mitigating, but
Durham’s most loved merely ‘discommodious’.
NEW AIRPORT BODY
DSU ENVIRONMENTAL SCANNERS - MASSIVE
OFFICER: “GUM DON’T KILL COCK UP!
In another blow to the expansion of
PEOPLE, WRAPPERS DO” body scanners in airports, Mostly
Last night, in a shock move, the Harmless can confirm a massive
Environmental Officer for Durham cock up at Manchester airport. The
Student Union spoke out against event, which witnesses claim was
government plans to introduce a £100 at “around 9 or 10” grew rapidly,
on-the-spot fine for those caught arousing suspicion from onlookers
dropping chewing gum on the street. before climaxing. A security worker
Ivor Herb, speaking from his allotment came prematurely, taking several
on Church Street, claimed the legislation people by surprise. This news follows Face of an anthropologist
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 3 News In Brief
JOHN’S STUDENT those dirty Germans.” Mostly Harmless Poll
LEAVES COUNTRY AMID
DRUGS SCANDAL SAUDIS PASS ANTI- What would you exchange for a
Richard Alton was set to fly to Spain FRENCH LAW Klute Gold card?
last Sunday to continue his year Saudia Arabia has announced a
abroad. He was said to be “really popular new law banning berets and Campus Card: 50%
looking forward to it”. baguettes from the Kingdom. The Right to Vote: 99%
In other news, Peter Doherty is bill, due to be signed into law by
once again due in court this week on King Abdullah this week, includes
suspicion of possessing controlled BLACK ON BLACK
measures to restrict garlic imports
substances. and bans stripy tops and constantly VIOLENCE INCREASES
surrendering. The legislation is BY 200%
aimed at counteracting what Saudi A fight erupted on the Bailey last
nationalists are calling the “insidious night, resulting in broken windows
Frenchification of the country.” and criminal damage. The altercation
is believed to have stemmed from
a heated debate over the relative
merits of Michael Jordan. Both
suspects have been released on bail.

SAVE RIVERSIDE
Manchester from space MOTHERF**KER
The recent announcement of the possible
LICHTENSTEIN closure of Riverside Café has caused
uproar among societies that use it as a
CLAIMS “WHOLE OF regular meeting place. The Trampolining
EUROPE” society have been jumping up and down
Following Argentina’s recent at the outrage, with the Army Cadets said
submission of territorial claims in to be “up in arms”. The Karate society
the Southern Atlantic at the UN, told a MH reporter: “this is a real kick in
Lichtenstein has announced plans to the teeth”, while the cooking society exec
annex the vast majority of Western are said to be boiling over. A meeting
Europe, citing “an old map in the is to be held to address the response,
Cabinet secretary’s bureau”. The which the university Non-Violent Protest
foreign secretary, Lan Grabiman League has promised to sit in on.
was quoted as saying “that’ll show Trompe-l’oil
DURHAM CITY OF CULTURE BID
DID WE MISS ANYTHING? CONTACT VISIT DURHAM AT: GRASPING@STRAWS.DURHAM.GOV.UK
4 Interview MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010
AN INTERVIEW WITH R.O.N.
DAN DYER SITS DOWN WITH THE MAN BEHIND THE INITIALS

DAN: Well, first of all, commiserations DAN: What would you have brought to would get free entry into Loveshack.
on your defeat in the DSU elections. the role, had you been elected?
How are you taking it? DAN: Ok, I see. As this marks your
RON: Well, for a start I’m not one 31st consecutive defeat in the DSU
RON: Thank you. I’m trying not to of these “I think the most important elections, do you feel it may be time to
let it get to me. You’ve got to take the thing is to keep up the good job we’re throw in the towel?
highs with the lows, and after all there’s already doing” people. I think we need
always next year. to put an end to this student apathy. RON: I will fight the good fight to bring
They’re sitting around in their college good old fashioned morality and justice
DAN: What do you think went wrong bars, drinking and laughing, having to this, the university I love, until the
with your campaign in the end? fun, instead of paying attention to day I die.
student politics. No. Attendance at DSU
RON: Quite frankly, I think there’s meetings should be mandatory. Unless DAN: ...or graduate
a tendency for people to view me as you’re dying, I suppose.
some kind of joke. The voters don’t RON: That’s not a priority right now,
take me seriously, but just take a look DAN: I see. Any other policy goals? not as long as standards slip and more
at the facts: I’m the only candidate to and more of certain types of people are
have stood in every election since the RON: Well, I’m a strong supporter of allowed to infect this once hallowed
DSU began. Who else can claim to have us having troops in Afghanistan. institution.
that kind of commitment? Who else can
claim to love this university that much? DAN: I don’t quite see how the DAN: Erm, moving away from politics
government’s military policy affects– for a moment, how is Durham life in
DAN: Well, you usually do very well general?
in the first round, especially when up
against lesser known candidates. RON: Same as usual, to be honest.
I spend most of my day working on
RON: Yes but the support almost campaign strategy. I also like talking to
always dwindles. It’s like the very students a lot, I’ll often stop them in the
system itself is discriminating against square for a chat. You know, check out
me. For example, every time I win the talent.
a position they seem to hold another
election within a few weeks. I don’t DAN: What’s your take on the NUS
think I’ve ever sat a full term. They referendum and our affiliation in
just keep throwing opposition one general?
after the other until I lose. But I’m still
determined. RON: I’m a big fan of the NUS. As
you’re aware I also recently stood
DAN: What’s your opinion on our new for NUS delegate, and whereas I
DSU president, Sam Roseveare? was unsuccessful, I’ve still sent my
RON at the Botanic Garden condolences to the delegates.
RON: Well, I wouldn’t say I’m bitter. I
have nothing against the guy. Sure, he RON: No, not the government. I firmly DAN: Finally, what college are you in?
might have somehow managed to get ten believe Durham University ought to
times the number of votes that I did, but have troops out there. I mean, we have RON: I’m in Ustinov. I’m currently the
he’s a nice chap. Admittedly I did hear DUCK week and SCA week already, so youngest member of the GCR.
from somewhere that he beats up small it would hardly be much of a stretch to
girls just for kicks, but then again this is institute Conscription month. Probably DAN: Thanks for your time, anything
just a rumour. For all I know he might on some sort of rotational basis, so one you’d like to add?
beat up little boys as well. He certainly month we’d send Cuth’s out to Helmand
doesn’t seem like the kind of person to province, then the next month would be RON: Yes, for all those in Collingwood,
be so unfairly discriminative. I don’t John’s, and so on and so forth, so that both the male and female welfare
know, we’re getting into speculation it’s fair. Then at the end of the year, the positions are up for re-election. In both
here. But no, nice guy overall. college that kills the most insurgents cases, as always, Vote RON!
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 5 Features
MENTAL MASTURBATION
UNDER-THE-COVERS REPORTER EDWARD RUDOLF TAKES A LOOK AT PORN WITH A CONSCIENCE

Pornograpy. By gum there’s a lot of it. the suggestions list slowly got smaller, horribly wrong. Somewhere back at
In fact, it’s estimated that around 67% of gradually ruling out such classics as amateur and anal I had taken a wrong
the internet is taken up by porn related “restaurant” and the slightly worrying turn towards fetishism, and now I was
websites or adverts. The thing is, about “restraint”, until, when I pressed up to my erection in menstrual blood.
99% of that material is complete and enter, I was left with only one result. I was appalled. On the other hand, I’d
utter filth. Believe me, men know that Astoundingly, the sole entry under just spent 50 minutes typing in the
pornography is degrading. And yet, the “respectable” on the entire website names of obscure foreign conflicts to
sad fact remains that in the next 24 hours was “Missy Missy Needs To Pray!” see if they’d been turned into pornos, so
an enormous proportion of the guys you As far as I could make out, the only I was reluctant to start over.
know are going to view it in some form. mark of respect in this video was that
So how can we accommodate these two Missy removed her bizarre necklace/
conflicting truths? headdress combination before allowing
Pornography has got so disgusting herself to be jack-hammered roughly
these days, that to enjoy it with even from behind. Clearly, there isn’t much
the smallest respect for myself I have of a porn market for the sensitive type.
to wonder whether maybe there is a
different way of watching it. Now, I “There’s a reason
don’t mean taking my laptop to the your girlfriend
library or anything - they have a no
fluids rule and frown upon running, removed that
screaming women. What I’m talking
about is changing what I look for when
mirror from the foot
I surf the dirty wave. For example, of your bed”
instead of “husband and wife double-
team barely legal teen”, you err more Perhaps the biggest mistake I made
on the side of “couple in balanced, while researching this topic was in
loving relationship have completely searching for a more niche angle to
consensual sex and then cuddle a bit” spice up my lonely self-love. I had the
At attention?
bright idea of adding some culture to
my collection and finding something a Incidentally, my next column will
bit historical. It would be like having be on “crippling post-orgasm guilt”,
Laurence Olivier’s The World At War on but for now let me reflect on what
the shelf next to M*A*S*H and Platoon. I have learnt. In essence, all porn is
Having decided that this is exactly disgusting. Whether it’s a cute little
what it would be like, I had to work couple going at it in their dorm room, or
out how to go about it. What do you a scene that looks like someone slipped
search for? At first I tried “historical”, Viagra into the tea at a workshop on
but this didn’t bring up any results. I multiculturalism, what you are basically
decided to be more specific. “Ancient looking at is people having sex. There’s
Rome” didn’t bring any joy, nor did a reason your girlfriend removed that
“Byzantium”. When “17th century mirror from the foot of your bed – sex
I wonder what’s on iPlayer... seduction” came up blank I was starting just isn’t dignified. Despite this, short of
to lose, at the very least, my patience. demanding compulsory chastity belts
To see how feasible this tactic was, Thoughts naturally turned to the BBC. for anyone with a tattoo bellow their
I decided to do some home research. I What do they call those historical belly button, there isn’t a lot we can do
started by typing into the search box, of dramas on the beeb? to stop people filming themselves going
a popular website, the word “romantic”. A quick search for “costume” didn’t at it. We could, however, all try to be
As it turns out, there is nothing at all even come close to what I was looking a little classier in the sort of things we
romantic about porn. The closest I for. watch. I, for one, will be staying clear
got was a few Romanian girls doing Ah, that’s it, they call them Period of anything with “bitch” and “forced”
unspeakable things to men of no obvious Dramas. in the title. But for goodness sake, will
nationality. Unsatisfied, I moved on to Having keyed in my inspired search someone please make Kosoblow: The
“respectable”. As I typed in this word, criteria, I realised something had gone Movie.
6 Profile MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010
DUNCAN LOWELL: THE MAN IN AISLE THREE
THE ASSISTANT HEAD GREENGROCER OF ASDA IN SALE TALKS TO MOSTLY HARMLESS ABOUT HIS
EXPERIENCES AT DURHAM, RELATIONSHIPS, AND THE RISING PRICE OF ALCOHOL
A legendary name in Durham, Duncan
Lowell’s university accolades are still
well known within many a society. From
his founding of the Castle Drinking
Club, to his tenure as Senior Man,
Duncan remembers his time at Durham
with fondness, and professes “Durham
made me the greengrocer I am today”.
A greengrocer for 6 1/2 years now,
Duncan made speedy progress through
the ranks at ASDA. Initially working
the trolleys, he was eventually moved
inside the store. “I suppose I still
remember the day I first got moved up
to the tills. It reminded me back when
me and the lads took the Novice Cup,
the lash that night was right up there”,
he recalls.
“Durham made me
the greengrocer I am After studying at Durham, Duncan sought to transform ASDA into a modern,
today” business-like corporation and soon found himself in the fruit section.
gap, and by the way she was walking hold down a family”.
Despite his success, Duncan still so had he”. He remains positive about the
looks back on his Durham days with Duncan even met the love of his life divorce; “I mean, I don’t have my own
happiness: “I remember walking back at university, but admits relationships place right now, but I’m happy. I move
towards Castle about 5am the morning take work; “when you’re on your first between friends houses, and we always
after and seeing this girl doing the walk salary, you have to make tough choices. have great nights in with a cheeky bottle
of shame. She’d just come up windy You can’t be going out every night and or two”.

DUS INVITES MOSTLY HARMLESS: CAREERS
HOW TO GET A FOOT IN THE DOOR TO THE WORLD OF INTERNSHIPS
TALIBAN TO Jessica Mutton
SPEAK
MOSTLY HARMLESS EXCLUSIVE! Hi guys, just like to say for all those If you get your internship, be sure to
out there trying to find internships over make the most of it; remember, it’s all
the summer: don’t worry because I got about CV building. Also, try and get
one, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. I can’t stuff published: it’s great to build a
believe how good the job I have lined portfolio. Doesn’t really matter what.
up this summer is.
It pays well, has reasonable hours, a
short commute, I get to do meaningful
work, the people are lovely. For all
[retracted due to outside pressures] those considering working at some
point during their lives, by the look of
it it’s definitely the right way to go.
That’s not to say it’s all fun and
games. I worked really hard to get this
place, I’ve had a hard life and it’s just
now beginning to pay off. I had to sell
myself to get this placement.
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 7 Features
TOP 5 ALTERNATIVE COFFEE VENUES IN DURHAM
JON OSBORNE AND ALEX MASON DIG DEEPER INTO DURHAM CULTURE

Having tired of the usual haunts a table. When all is said and done it wasn’t EMMANUEL CHURCH -
after three years of Durham life, the best coffee we had all day, but for sheer THE DURHAM CENTRE
MH decided to check out some of diversity this place cannot be beaten. No photo, think industrial estate
the city’s less established coffee
vendors. Here’s our shortlist. Final verdict: An interesting experience at Incredibly friendly atmosphere, very
the very least. Keep checking back regularly welcoming. We thought it was a bit weird
– rumour has it they will soon be operating that the tip jar was passed from person to
FISHTANK (DAY TIME)
an acupuncture/massage parlour round the person, but there was a great live band. The
back of the tinned goods section. coffee was pretty decent but: it’s a twenty
  minute round coach journey, only seems to
DURHAM HOSPITAL CAFETERIA be open on a Sunday, and service can take
3-4 hours.

Final verdict: Lacked form in the
beginning, but they redeemed themselves at
the end.

COSTA COFFEE
To be honest, we had expected FishTank
(formerly DiA) to be empty/shut during the
day. However, we were pleasantly surprised
to find a couple of old romantics making use
of the “Senior Citizens Lunch” deal. Given This was a self service, self clearing
a few decades, Mostly Harmless thoroughly establishment. Initially the coffee machine
recommends this offer. The cod and chips we were faced with looked intimidating,
looked delicious, and the pair were only one but you don’t have to be a brain sur rocket
Ovaltine away from free entry to Absence. scientist to operate it. The drinks we
The Barman seemed as surprised as we eventually coaxed out of it were okay, but
were to be serving coffee, but managed to the venue didn’t really get our pulse racing.
hunt down a very professional looking latte The atmosphere was a little gloomy, a Perhaps Durham’s best kept secret, this
glass (see photo). Given the nature of the few customers hadn’t even bothered to get hidden gem is definitely worth exploiting.
beverage being consumed, a handle probably dressed properly, and we thought it rather Almost invisible to the casual shopper, this
would have been a welcome accessory. poor form that so many people had forgotten venue is astoundingly located right in the
to turn their pagers off. As for washing your centre of town.
Final verdict: Coffee not great, but hands on the way out...come off it, this isn’t Drinks come in three sizes (except when
Stantons fish and chips direct to your table is the Ritz. they don’t), and if you’re prepared to write
pretty cool. Plus, any venue where the aged Takeout options include pain au chocolat off an afternoon you’re almost guaranteed a
dine side by side with an unwashed youth and MRSA. table.
clutching a can of lager is definitely worth
a look. Final verdict: Coffee not exactly to die for, Final verdict: Absolutely fantastic. When
  and the atmosphere needs new life breathing ordering, please mention referral number
THE GOLDEN PEARL into it. We recommend nil by mouth. 15837. Thanks!
 
AND HERE’S SOME THAT
DIDN’T QUITE MAKE IT...

Supermarket; soup kitchen; coffee shop –
this North road delight has it all. Amid the
throng of impatient customers (the hungry/
thirsty/lost) we finally managed to secure
Above: Revolver, 1am. Right: Top of the Cathedral tower
8 Fittest Fresher 3 years on

PHOTOGRAPHY BY THOMAS WELCH. SPECIAL THANKS TO CASTLE MCR, AND DST
From left: Dan Tookey, Hisham Alhassan, Sasha Magill, Bystander, Emily Chester, Dan Dyer, Kathryn Balls, Nick Barton, Jon Osborne (sofa), Alex Mason (floor)
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 9 The Team

MEET THE TEAM
Editor: Jon Osborne
Deputy Chief of Staff: Alex Mason
Artistic Editor: Dan Dyer
Marketing: Dan Tookey
Publishing: Sasha Magill
Treasurer: Hisham Alhassan
Assistant Marketing: Emily Chester,
Merhala Selvarajah, Lara Brown
Sub-Editors: Alex Baker, Richard Hadden
Design: Alex Mason
Printed by Sharman&Co
Fun fact: The photo cost £24.30 to shoot, over 25% of which went on alcohol and Pot Noodle.

Thanks to: Maxime Dargaud-Fons, Helen Hawksley, Andrew Hoban, Matthew James, Toby Newson, Tim Pearce, and Lorna
Urwin.

Special thanks to Thomas Welch who did an outstanding job with the photography, despite such rough
material to work with; Nick Barton (22) for taking part in the photo; and Kathryn Balls for late night and last minute photo
help.

Additional thanks to the original MH editors: Siddharth Khajuria, Tom Walker and Magnus Taylor. Without their support this
relaunch would have been immeasurably harder.

AND HERE’S THE ORIGINAL FITTEST FRESHER PHOTO...
(PHOTOGRAPH BY JAMES DUNN, MANY THANKS TO PALATINATE FOR ALLOWING ITS USE)

WANT TO GET INVOLVED? SEE BACK PAGE
10 Letters MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR HOROSCOPES
ANOTHER SELECTION FROM THE LITERALLY NUMBERS OF LETTERS WE A LOOK AT THE COMING WEEK BY
GET EACH MONTH ASTROLOGER FRANCIS RAUD
Dear MH, Dear MH, ARIES
Remember, Revolver don’t ID anyone...
Your piece on the Nazis (“Goebbels- Ha, you’re right! I think it was
Gobble, Munchen-Munch, Yum- Footballer’s Weekly. Sorry about the TAURUS
Yum-Yum”, January 2010) was an confusion! You will have contact hours today.
engaging article let down by some Unless you study sociology, in which
glaring historical inaccuracies. First of Gareth case you’ll probably just lie in bed
all, Winston Churchill was on the side eating cheetos and feeling unwanted.
of the Allies. Secondly, there was no- Ed: No problem Gareth - although
one in Hitler’s High Command named we’re a tad confused as to how your GEMINI
Gustav Sexbiscuit. Thirdly, the now- reply managed to feature in the same Duck!
infamous ‘Hitler Moustache’ got its issue as the original letter.
name from Adolf Hitler, and not the CANCER
other way round. And fourthly, Hitler’s *** Calling yourself “asexual” is an option.
bunker where he eventually committed
suicide was situated in Berlin, and not Dear MH, LEO
Rio de Janeiro as your article seemed to While playing basketball, look out for
think. During a lecture on Martin Luther I any intimidating looking parties: they
was suddenly struck by this picture’s are likely trouble makers. If you get in
I know these are moot points, but resemblance to the actor Jeff Daniels, even one little fight it will necessitate
pedantic old soul that I am I couldn’t let he of Speed and 101 Dalmatians fame. relocation to your aunt and uncle’s at
them pass unnoticed! the bequest of your mother.
Yours Observantly,
Yours Correctingly,
VIRGO
Joshua Dixon Swallow or he won’t really love you.
Prof. Jonathan Galway
Macclesfield University Ed: That’s uncanny LIBRA
Collect the briefcase from its hiding
Ed: Thanks Professor! place under Kingsgate, go Vennel’s and
await further instruction. Good luck
*** James, England is counting on you.

Dear MH, SCORPIO
You won’t find true love by reading
Your article on Gareth Southgate last “Pride and Prejudice”. Sorry.
month was an inspiration. As somebody
named Gareth myself, he has always SAGITTARIUS
been a hero of mine. I read your article Martin Luther Jeff Daniels If single, you will get desperate enough
in hospital whilst dying of something
unknown and it soon put me on my feet *** to pull a local. Just don’t tell anyone.
again! Dear MH,
CAPRICORN
Nice one, I wish Jeremy would apply his What were you thinking? She’s way out
principles to the bedroom. of your league. Stick to trying it on with
Gareth your college children.
Mrs Bentham
Ed: Glad to hear you recovered, Gareth! AQUARIUS
Although we don’t remember publishing Ed: Erm...
They know. They all know.
such an article. Are you sure you weren’t Woes? Queries? Email letters@
reading a different magazine? mostly-harmless.org.uk or come
PISCES
and visit us in CG95 (science It’s the end of term, forget about that
***
site) Monday to Friday, 9 ‘till 5. summative, it doesn’t matter that much.
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 11 Violet

violet
W
elcome to violet, Top things to do in Top 5 most awkward
MH’s brand new Durham songs to translate into
supplement!
Packed full of light and 1. Get the train to Newcastle
sign language
breezy junk to pad out
some space. In this issue, 1. Sex on Fire
we’ll be tackling the big 2. Smack My Bitch
issues, and also provide Up
some fun games for you 3. The Sounds of
to pass the time. Almost Silence
like a real paper. 4. Bohemian
Rhapsody
5. The Hokey Cokey

I saw our sports rep was
meant to teach you
how to trampoline,

you... but she was involved
in a freak accident
involving an iron and
...through your bedroom Our eyes met, on Palace
window last Tuesday...and Green, midnight, Chad’s a left handed knife,
Wednesday...and Thursday. day. You were naked. Yours so here are some cute
Coffee? was the only one I printed kittens:
out. Glossy.
...move quickly into
the other half of the You were on the inter-
compartment. Curtain campus bus to Stockton.
goes up, crowd applauds. We both claimed just to be
That was the plan. We had visiting. Business Finance
a plan! bar crawl?

You were sneering in disgust We had a doctor’s
at the Big Issue seller. I was appointment. Then I saw
walking out of Jack Wills. you in Lassiters, you
Fancy a drink in Hatfield were with another woman.
Bar? Susan? Leave her.
12 Violet MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010

CROSSWORD :) PHOTOGRAPHY
COMPETITION WINNER
“This photo I call “Toilet Humour”,
which I took just the other day on
Palace Green. I have no idea who the
person in the picture is.”

Across: Down:

SUDOKU!!

RUNNER UP...

“This is some
girl I met at
Revolver the other
week. Call me?”
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 13 Radical Conservatism
IF YOU SEE SID, TELL HIM…
NICHOLAS DENT LOOKS TOWARDS THE UPCOMING ELECTION

In the run up to the next election, the
Conservative Party have branded
Another ‘modern and radical’ policy
that has recently been announced is the PRESIDENT
themselves a modern and radical party.
At the recent conference, held on a
plan to sell shares of the banks Lloyds
and RBS at discount price. While it
OF THE WELSH
wet Brighton night, David Cameron seems to have some level of support SOCIETY COLUMN
laid out the six themes that his election within the population, I can’t quite Mae wedi bod yn amser prysur i
campaign will be founded on, as well fathom who actually makes money ni beth gyda Dewi Sant a phob dydd.
as announcing that their election slogan in this transaction. As far as I can tell Rwy’n teimlo byddai ein turnout fod
will be ‘Vote for change’. they are going to take shares owned yn uwch os ydym am stopio gwneud
This claim may come as a shock to by the taxpayer, and sell them on the ein holl negeseuon e-bost wythnosol
much of the population, and, perhaps as cheap… to the taxpayer. Have I ripped yn yr Hen Cymru. Ond ni dynion o’r
a result of a slip in the polls, they are myself of in the good way or the bad cymoedd yn ddynion o egwyddorion.
keen to spread the word. Obviously, they way? Apparently I should be comforted Mae’r golofn hon yn yr ymgyrch
really need to nail the point home with by the fact they are offering an extra gyntaf yn ein rhyfel CC helaeth yn dilyn
a giant policy hammer. Such radical discount for young people and those y digwyddiad, Evan a defaid.
conservative plans include corporate tax on low incomes. This feels very much Efallai y byddwn yn annog
cuts, a tougher stance on immigration, like we have had our television stolen, gweddill i chi aros i ffwrdd o’r fath y
and a reduction in inheritance tax. Yes and they promise to sell it back to us tu allan i Temptations ein gwlad cartref
Cameron! Finally, a set of policies that at a discount. Now I’m not saying that gogoneddus. Maent nid yn unig yn
will inject some passion for politics Labour are the answer, they stole my deall.
into England’s youth. Inheritance tax is telly, but the prospect of voting in my Diolch i Mostly ddiniwed. Hefyd i’r
exactly where our thoughts lie; wouldn’t first general election is hardly filling me Athro Regan, mae’n anhygoel.
it be nice if we all voted Tory and gave with glee.
our grandparents a five year window to
die in.
“Wouldn’t it be
nice if we all voted
Tory and gave our
grandparents a five
year window to die
in.”
The problem Cameron faces in
connecting with our youth is that
this particular brand of “radical”
conservatism dates back about 13
years. This kind of thinking went out
when the Spice Girls came in, and pre-
Spice Girl is a concept not many of our
generation can bear to think about. In
this misguided, slightly needy, drive
to engage with youth: I wouldn’t be
surprised if they changed themselves
from “the Conservatives” to “the
Retros”. I can’t help but feel they have
recently signed up to Facebook and
have misunderstood the popularity
of ‘eighties themed parties’ - perhaps
joyed by the fact they weren’t suitable
for minors.
14 Miscellany MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010
BULLY BROWN’S SCHOOLDAYS MOSTLY
BY TOM DUDLEY
HARMLESS BOOK
MH can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the
Prime Minister has long had a violent
a VOLCANIC TEMPER has already
allegedly thrown a tangerine at a
OFFERS
temper and used it to get his own way. LAMINATING MACHINE – now it
Fellow classmate at Kirkaldy Primary seems no one is safe. Nail in the Bannister
School, Jimmy MacDonald, 58, who by R Stornaway
doesn’t want to named for fear of
reprisals, said that he “lived in fear, you
know, because Gordo was a proper ned
RRP £14.99
like, always taking my lunch money.” Mostly Harmless reader offer:
Another classmate told us that Z$15000000.000
this VICIOUS mean streak probably
originated from young Gordon being “A ripping yarn!” - The Observer
bullied “for looking like a turkey when A source WITHIN NUMBER 10
he spoke.” This will no doubt fuel hinted that former Prime Minister Tony
accusations from the Monster Raving Blair was INTIMIDATED by Gordon’s “Gripping and deeply touching
Loony Party that the Prime Minister aggressiveness and gave him the job when you get to the bottom of it”
ACTUALLY IS A TURKEY. of Prime Minister after ‘Bully’ Brown – Mostly Harmless
A CONCERNED TEACHER had THREATENED to flush his head in the
to call the PM’s mother when he threw toilet.
an apple at another child’s head. She Tory leader David Cameron
“Tears the whole seedy
said yesterday “he always had a nasty described that as potentially an underworld wide open” - The
temper.” Remember that the PM with “unseemly mess”. Sun

POETRY ‘CORNER’
NURSERY RHYMES FOR SOCIAL HARMONY SHORT POEMS BY ANT CULE

Jack Sprat would eat no fat Pussycat Pussycat, Where have His skin, slack. His eyes, vapid.
His wife would eat no lean; you been? His breath, dense with raw
But after Jack’s extramarital I’ve been down to London to meat. I miss you, dad.
affair visit the Queen
They would still squabble over Pussycat Pussycat, What did A lamb grazes in a field. A hat
a leg of pork. you dare? falls, far away. The two events
I asked her to consider non- are unconnected.........?
monogamy and the overthrow
Remember remember the Fifth of the hetero-normative Two mothers meet. Mothers
of November ownership paradigm. meeting? Yes. Mothers’
Gunpowder, Treason and Plot But she’s less ugly on stamps. meeting? No.
You are still with your girlfriend
though Roses are red, bruises are
London Bridge is falling down, bluey-purple. Please don’t give
Falling down, falling down me either. I have hayfever, and
Jack and Jill went up the hill London Eye has a great view I don’t like being hurt.
for pints and disco water. Let’s watch the chaos
Jack fell down the stairs in front Happy Birthday to you, thought
of Josephine Butler the spider, eating a fly. Alone.
and Jill said “Fuck Ustinov, let’s Poems by Richard Hadden and For more of the same, see:
go to Jimmy A’s”. Chung Leung. http://hellobiscuit.blogspot.com
MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010 15 Arts: Music
MEAT LOAF “DID THAT
FOR LOVE”
MUSIC REVIEWS
Bonjour! magazine, in its latest OASIS: HEATHEN OASIS: HEATHEN
exposé Meat Loaf Unsauced, has CHEMISTRY CHEMISTRY
sensationally claimed the famed BY NOEL GALLAGHER BY LIAM GALLAGHER
singer has, due to pressures from I found this trash while I was This is utterly brilliant, we should
his long term partner, finally done moving Liam’s stuff out of the definitely be doing stuff like this.
“that” seventeen years on. flat, he can take it with him. These guys are geniuses plain
The exact nature of “that” has “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”, and simple.
been a long-term mystery, but
has anyone else heard this? It The vocals are dreamy,
sources close to the singer claim that
he washed six times on Thursday,
sounds exactly like Slide Away. they strike the perfect balance
and has since refused to order in I swear, these guys aren’t even as between John and Paul.
Chinese food. good as us, I should sue them for Song bird is perhaps the best
plagiarism. song ever written, I mean, a
What’s with this repetitive song, about a bird. Song...bird.
garbage, it’s like Radiohead Song and bird. Song. Bird.
remaking Kid A to death all over I don’t think you can rate
again. perfection, this will stand as the
I can’t rate this rubbish. I bar to which all future albums are
“That” may have featured the swear British music is going to measured against. I mean, song,
letter F and the numbers 6 and 9 the dogs, little by little. then bird. I can’t get over it.

SOUL: AN OBITUARY
A WEEK AFTER THE DEATH OF SOUL, ED LANGFORD TAKES A LOOK AT THE LIFE OF THE TROUBLED GENRE

Was ever there a more troubled magazine on the reasoning behind this claims that the group was a terrorist
soul than Soul? Born and raised in unconventional relationship, Dave organisation. Spokesman Brandon
Chicago in the early 1960s, tragedy quipped “I’m a Soul man”. Flowers stressed, “I’ve got Soul, but
struck early for the infant genre. At I’m not a soldier”. This assertion has
the age of just six, both of her parents, “Get up (I feel been significantly weakened in the last
whilst performing at a notable Chicago
nightclub, were killed by a fire in the
like being a) Sex few days as it emerged that Soul was in
fact sold directly into the slavery of the
disco. This started a fierce custody Machine” “Young Soul Rebels”, fronted by one
battle amongst her remaining relatives, Tinchy Stryder, under whose captivity
ending in the eventual adoption of Soul It was perhaps the last 3 years of she was tortured to death over the
by her Godfather, James Brown. her life that were the saddest. In 2007 period of several weeks.
Under Brown’s wardship, Soul was Soul went missing. For months there Soul is survived by her son, Nu Jazz.
gradually able to deal with the death of was no sign of her, until links started Unconfirmed reports suggest she may
her parents, learning to distract herself to appear between her disappearance also have also conceived an illegitimate
in other ways. Speaking in 2005, Soul and suspected militant group “The love-child whilst on a bender to the
commented “whenever I felt I couldn’t Killers”. Initially these allegations West Coast in the 1980s. Gangsta Rap
face the day, I’d repeat his advice to were stringently denied, but after the was unavailable for comment.
myself in bed. I’d say, ‘Get up (I feel foundation of SOS - a campaign group
like being a) Sex Machine’ and that who lobbied tirelessly for her release -
really gave me the strength to go on”. a criminal investigation was launched.
At the age of 14, Soul fell pregnant. This Soul searching spread
Always a sensitive Soul, the genre nationwide, and touched all levels of
spent her middle years bouncing society. At one point the investigators
from one bad relationship to another, took a very close look at a prominent
before finally entering into a three- banking CEO, but found no Soul. In
way partnership with lifelong friends 2009 The Killers finally admitted that
Sam and Dave. Questioned by Time they were housing the genre, but rejected Soul on her 40th birthday
16 Miscellany MOSTLYHARMLESS 10 - EPIPHANY 2010

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BRYSON WATCH

Bill Bryson Bill Bryson enjoys Bill Bryson Bill Bryson talks Bill Bryson post
makes book an egg salad on excited by a win frustratingly coitus.
appearance. lunchbreak. on his scratch quietly to his wife
card. in the kitchen.

Mood:Optimistic Mood:Existential Mood:Addicted Mood:Concerned Mood:Ashamed