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The

Missing Mother
Handbook
How to heal childhood abandonment and rejection
with Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)

by Carna Zacharias-Miller

www.MissingMother.com

Published by Carna Zacharias-Miller, 2762 Blair Stone Ct, Tallahassee, FL 32301, USA

2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • All rights reserved

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 2

“The main purpose of EFT is to pave the way towards Love’s Presence
(i.e. Grace). Our physical and emotional wounds tend to distract us from this
spiritual birthright and, as EFT helps send them away, we find ourselves more
in alignment with Source.” —Gary Craig, Founder of EFT

DISCLAIMER: While EFT has produced remarkable clinical results, it must still be considered to be
in the experimental stage, and thus you must take complete responsibility for your use of it.
Further, Carna Zacharias-Miller is not a licensed health professional and offers EFT as an ordained
minister and as a personal performance coach. Do not use EFT to diagnose or treat medical or
mental conditions of any kind. Consult your health care provider or licensed therapist with any
concern you may have regarding your health or mental state.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 3

Table of Contents

Introduction ................................................................................................ 4

Chapter 1 What is “Missing Mother Syndrome?”.................................. 6

Chapter 2 The Tool – Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) ............. 27

Chapter 3 Ready to Use – The EFT Protocols ..................................... 35

• Lost, Unsafe, Out of Place...................................... 37


• Sadness and Depression ....................................... 40
• Loneliness .............................................................. 43
• Hating Your Body ................................................... 46
• Abandonment ......................................................... 49
• Anger...................................................................... 52
• Social Stress........................................................... 55
• A Major Life Crisis .................................................. 58
• Fear, Anxiety and Shame ....................................... 61
• Feeling Homesick .................................................. 64
• The Need to Be Perfect .......................................... 67
• Money Problems..................................................... 70
• Health Challenges .................................................. 73
• Relationship Conflicts ............................................. 76

Chapter 4 Additional EFT Techniques ................................................. 79

About the Author........................................................................................ 88

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 4

Introduction

When I grew up right from the start without a mother, unwanted, isolated, kicked
from home to home, and later violently rejected by a stepmother, I thought I was the
only child in the world who felt completely unloved, desperately lonesome and
totally out of place – any place. Obviously, everybody else was growing up in a
caring, loving, supportive, happy family but me.

Well, it is part of maturing that, eventually, we shift the viewpoint from our own navel
and come to see the pain of others. Getting older, I could not help but notice that
many families that looked “normal” from the outside were not happy at all. However,
it was not until I connected with other Motherless Daughters that I realized how
similar the basic, painful emotions of women who grew up without a (caring) mother
are. I wasn’t the only one at all!

What is a Motherless Daughter? The expression became popular when Hope


Edelman wrote a book about her own experience as a daughter who lost her mother
to death when she was seventeen. Motherless Daughters – A Legacy of Loss was a
bestseller in 1994 and is the bible of all women with a similar experience. I
expanded the concept to also include all women whose mother was physically
present but emotionally absent or abusive. Sometimes, it is the absence of the
biological mother combined with an abusive stepmother.

“Missing Mother Syndrome” is the expanded term that I now use to describe the
experience. Most women with missing mothers, even when they are still young,
have traveled a long journey. They look back on heartbreaking relationships, job
trouble, health problems, money worries, major challenges with their own children –
and therapies. The emotional pain is usually too strong to be ignored, and so we try
anything to get relief. I certainly had my share, and almost everything I did helped in
some way.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 5

However, it was not until I encountered EFT that I found a technique, a tool, a
therapy that really, really made a difference (I’ll explain and teach how to do EFT in
Chapter 2). For the first time, painful emotions were not just explained and
analyzed, but I felt that they actually shifted.

If you are reading this book, you may already be familiar with my website
www.missingmother.com, or have subscribed to my newsletter. Perhaps you are a
private client of mine. On the other hand, you could have learned about this
handbook by searching the web. In which case, hello and welcome! This handbook
is designed to help every woman with a missing mother. If you don’t have a clue
about Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), or if you have had many individual
EFT sessions with me or another practitioner, you will benefit from working with The
Missing Mother Handbook.

The Missing Mother Handbook is meant to be worked with. This means that to get
results, you actually have to apply at least some of protocols that I present. Just
reading through won’t do it. If you don’t know how to do EFT, study Chapter 2
before you start. Don’t worry! Technically, EFT is a very simple process; everyone
“gets it” very fast.

And I recommend that you keep The Missing Mother Handbook “handy” in case of
emergency, for those times when some incident, photograph, comment or memory
knocks you off your feet. You can use The Missing Mother Handbook as a
reference guide, using the techniques described here to pull yourself together
again, quickly. Just in case you do have a question, write me an e-mail:
info@missingmother.com.

I recommend that you print a copy of this book and use the “Your Comments”
spaces as a journal. That way you will have your thoughts and phrases at hand
when you start working with the EFT Protocols (Chapter 3).

Let’s get started!

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 6

Chapter 1

What is “Missing Mother Syndrome?”

Since I have been working as an EFT practitioner specializing in Motherless


Daughters, virtually every initial phone call or e-mail I get mentions instant
recognition, shock, relief, or even gratitude. Some women find consolation in the
pure existence of my website (www.missingmother.com), even if they don’t want to
have sessions with me or do EFT at all. So many women who tried to find a reason
for their ongoing suffering finally recognize the root cause for their agony: a missing
mother (and often, also, a missing father). It makes me happy to be of service to all
of them.

The term “Missing Mother Syndrome” sounds somewhat scientific – backed up by


years of research, surveys, statistics, clinical trials… well, I have to tell you, it is not.
It is solely based on my personal experience and the observation of other women.
Listening to their painful feelings and problems (I always have been interested in
that), I noticed time and again that at the beginning of all of this suffering was an
absent, broken, distorted mother-child bond. If I had any doubt when I started this
work with what I now call “Missing Mother Syndrome,” it has been erased
completely. Too many women have recognized themselves in my simple list of
symptoms.

Is this you?

• You feel lost, out of place, and unsafe in this world

• There is an underlying sadness in your life, even if nothing is wrong

• You tend to feel lonely and depressed, especially at other people's “Happy
Family” gatherings

• You hate your body or are unsure about “being a woman”

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 7

• You have abandonment or anger issues that hurt your relationships

• You experience social stress – you either try to stay invisible, or you have a
compulsion to be in the limelight

• Any major crisis in your life, like a divorce, job loss or bereavement throws
you right back into the painful past

• There is a lot of fear, anxiety, or even guilt and shame in your life

• You feel homesick without knowing where “home” is

• You are trying too hard to be happy and “perfect”

• You take rejection very personally

• You believe that everybody else gets their act together – except for you

Now, let’s explore these and other symptoms of “Missing Mother Syndrome” in
detail.

Lost, unsafe, out of place

When I – fairly late in life – married an American and received my green card, I was
stunned. How could a government document that has been handed to millions of
people describe me in a way that was more accurate than anything I could ever
come up with? But there it was, printed in big, bold letters: Resident Alien. Of
course, it was not a matter of my emigration to a foreign country or – in the past –
moving from town to town in my native Germany. Being a “resident alien” is a basic
feeling that I have had as long as I can think back.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 8

It’s a common condition of most Motherless Daughters: No roots, no home, no safe


place to go. In transit. Lost. Stranded. Castaway. A stranger. A wanderer. Barely
tolerated by the “natives.” And it hurts. It hurts a lot, especially when you are young.
In fact, it can drive you to the edge of your existence.

Feeling unsafe is a fluctuating condition. Sometimes – for example, when you fall in
love, a child is born, your pet looks at you with adoration, or the wind moves through
the trees in a certain way – you do feel safe and at home. But these moments or
phases never last. And there it is again, this inner emptiness, this disorientation, this
desperation. There is nowhere to turn, no place to rest. The sensation of an
undefined threat is sitting under your skin – familiar and unbearable at the same
time.

Contemplate:
How do you experience this condition? What are your personal feelings, beliefs, and
memories about that?

YOUR COMMENTS:

Sadness and depression

I have never met a Motherless Daughter who was not sad. Sadness is not
necessarily the same as depression. Depression is a heavy “thing” sitting on top of
you. Something is pressing or pulling you down, and there is no escape. Your heart
is a black hole. You are stuck. You don’t have the energy to move, physically or

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 9

mentally, and everything you do takes a tremendous effort. At some time it lifts, and
you feel better.

Sadness is more subtle, like grey dust, or a darkish liquid that permeates your
whole being. It is always there, tainting everything you think, feel, or do. This
sensation is so familiar to you that you often forget it is there, or that there can be
life without it. There are individual triggers that bring it to the forefront – a certain
melody from the past, a nature scene that touches your heart, or watching a little girl
interacting happily with her mother. There is a chronic feeling of loss and grief, even
if you don’t know exactly what this loss or grief is about.

In my experience, women who are depressed or sad need to access the hidden
emotion of anger, or even rage. In our society, a woman is rewarded for being a
“good girl” and people-pleaser. Nothing seems to be worse for the female gender
than being disliked by other people. But if you grew up without a mother, or with a
mother who did not want, love, and appreciate you – you are bound to be angry. It
is natural; it is inevitable. This does not mean that you should transmute into a bad,
mean person. It just means that you have to access your buried feelings of anger
and rage first, before you can heal and be your authentic self – a woman who is
whole… good and “bad” included.

Contemplate:

How do you experience sadness and depression? What feelings, sensations, or


memories come up?

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 10

Loneliness

When I access the Inner Child with a client, she – or sometimes, he – is almost
always desperately lonely. This profound emotion just is when you are 3 or 4 years
old; there is no intellectual way around it. Being separated from your mother, your
father, siblings and playmates is pure hell for a little girl or boy.

To a certain extent, everybody experiences loneliness as a child, and also as an


adult. It is the human condition and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we don’t
have to pretend otherwise by numbing this feeling with all kinds of silly and
unhealthy “stuff.”

There is a difference, however, between a child growing up in a stable, caring family


who sometimes goes through spells of loneliness and a “motherless child.” If the
mother (and often the father) is permanently absent, in a physical or emotional
sense, loneliness becomes a dominant, chronic condition. On a basic level, we are
tribal beings, tied in to a community. If we feel left behind, isolated, or separated
from love, warmth, play, laughter, touch and safety, we despair. And if this
separation happens very early in life, it breaks our heart. All the fun and games later
cannot make up for this first, profound estrangement.

When you experience deep loneliness now, it is not the adult who is feeling this. As
an adult you know that nobody is really disconnected from the world. It is just not
possible, because we are all made of the same matter and energy. Besides, you
could do something practical about it, like calling a friend. But the little child inside
you does not want to hear this. It clings to the very real experience of loneliness,
and there is nothing the smart part of you can do about it.

Of course, lonely does not always mean alone. The most intense sense of
loneliness can be experienced in a crowd of people… actually, in a crowd of happy
people or – to make it even worse – in the middle of a very happy family. They are

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 11

excruciatingly happy together, and only you are excluded. In a situation like this,
your Inner Child goes through hell.

Contemplate:

What is the specific flavor of your loneliness? What are the circumstances that
make it worse? What childhood memories come up?

YOUR COMMENTS:

Hating your body

Motherless Daughters don’t love – or even like – their bodies. Often, they downright
hate them. There is always something wrong with your body; it is never good
enough. The belly is too fat, the nose is too big, the skin is pimpled, the breasts too
small… the list is endless. It never stops, because if one problem is fixed by the
grace of God or the beautification industry, another one pops up.

If your mother did not love your body (you), chances are you don’t like your body
either. Let me ask this: How do you talk to your body on a regular basis? Do you tell
it that it is ugly? Do you tell it to “shut up” when it is trying to let you know how it
feels? Women are conditioned to see their bodies from the outside, in the mirror
and through the eyes of others. If your mother (father) has not told you from an
early age that you are beautiful, chances are that you firmly believe you are not.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 12

You may have abandoned your body the way you have been abandoned. Your
body is your motherless child.

And then there is this thing about “being a woman.” If you grew up without a mother
(physically or emotionally), you actually might not have a clue what that means.
Sure, biology takes over to a certain extent, so your breasts develop, you start
having your period, and boys take an interest in you. The advertising industry, for
sure, does not leave any doubt about what is considered feminine. But even if you
walk this common ground, there is always doubt, tension, anxiety and the nagging
feeling that all the other females know something about “being a woman” that you
don’t know. You will never be a member of the secret club of real women, no matter
how hard you try. You envy their relaxed certainty about something that seems to
elude you.

Usually, that leaves you with two choices. Either you try to imitate pictures of perfect
femininity and whip yourself into a shape that leaves no doubt about your gender –
at least from the outside. Or you follow the other option of walking away from all this
ridiculous feminine “stuff” because you want to be loved and appreciated,
regardless of your looks. There is nothing wrong with either way, as long as you are
completely comfortable with it. Most Motherless Daughters, however, are not. It is
always a struggle, it always hurts and it always leaves this doubt in your heart…

Contemplate:

Do you feel that you are a not a “real” woman? In what respect? What parts or
features of your body do you dislike or even hate? Note what negative thoughts or
feelings come up when you say aloud, “I am a woman!”

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 13

Abandonment

If there were a single issue that all women (and men) who grew up with a physically
or emotionally absent mother had in common, it would be the feeling of
abandonment.

As a grownup, somebody you love can be physically absent and you still feel
emotionally connected. You can live your life and, although you would prefer a
physical presence, you know that this person is “there” as an inner presence. If
somebody you love is emotionally absent, that’s quite another matter. Even their
physical presence does not help to overcome the feeling of abandonment. So,
emotional absence overrides physical absence every time. However, if they happen
at the same time – for example, when the loved one dies, or walks out on you – it is
devastating, because it triggers your childhood memories.

Babies and small children cannot distinguish between physical and emotional
absence. The mother (or a surrogate figure) is necessary for the survival of the
child, in every respect. Therefore, having somebody around who cares is the most
urgent desire a human being has from the first breath taken in this world.

A child who has been mothered appropriately will develop towards independence.
Yes, there will be phases in life when abandonment is felt deeply, but those wounds
heal. On the other hand, a child who has not been mothered, will never stop feeling
abandoned.

If it is not the mother herself a Motherless Daughter is longing for, it is somebody


else she is emotionally attached to: a lover, a husband, a friend. That is why
romantic (and not so romantic) relationships tend to be treacherous and volatile…
every time your lover or friend seems to abandon you (physically or emotionally),
you go through this hell of early childhood trauma. Needless to say, this is not good
for the relationship – and the sad irony is that you set yourself up for more

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 14

abandonment in your life, which re-traumatizes you every time it happens. As long
as you don’t see your being unmothered as the root cause of all the relationship
dramas later in life, they are destined to be repeated time and again.

Contemplate:

How do you experience this feeling of abandonment? What emotions come up


when somebody you love seems to walk away from you, or actually drops out of
your life? Where does it hurt in your body? What are your beliefs about that? (Such
as: “Nobody wants to be with me.”)

YOUR COMMENTS:

Anger

Is anger one of your big challenges? If so, you are not alone. Whether it is the
simmering kind or the thundering outburst, it makes us feel bad and guilty.

I believe that everybody who has not been loved and appreciated as a child – like a
Motherless Daughter – harbors anger or even rage. Unfortunately, this anger tends
to well up when a person or a situation in our environment touches the old wound of
abandonment, dismissal, or abuse. Have you ever alienated or even lost a lover or
a friend because of one of your “totally inappropriate” angry reactions? Many of us
have.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 15

In my experience, it is easier for a woman to feel emotional pain and depression


than anger. We have been conditioned to believe that longstanding suffering is
more feminine. (Men, on the other hand, are quick to admit their anger but have a
hard time accessing the underlying pain.) In most cases, the path of healing for a
woman leads to unleashing the rage she is feeling inside and accepting it. That
does not mean that she will (or should) stay in this place, but for her to recognize
that this is where all her power has been absorbed is very healthy. Then we can
deal with this anger and the pain in a much more constructive way.

The best thing about that – We can deal with the anger (rage, jealousy, envy, spite)
in a private setting, alone or with a practitioner, and nobody has to see or hear what
a bad, bad person we are…

Contemplate:

What flavor does your anger have? Is it hot and spewing, or smoldering under the
surface? Can you access it at all? Where do you feel it in your body? Is there guilt
involved? What are the situations or people that usually trigger your anger?

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 16

Social stress

Do you admire (and envy) people who just glide through life, connecting with all
kinds of people effortlessly, always finding the appropriate words or gestures in any
social situation? They actually seem to enjoy themselves in the social arena at all
times!

Since our first, most important relationship was anything but easygoing, our position
in the world tends to have troubled, conflicted and painful aspects. Relating to other
people, in a very general sense, always reminds us subconsciously of this first
“failure” to relate. Yes, we learn and we improve. The excruciatingly shy teenager
may become a smart introvert who just doesn’t like crowds and the young woman
who has the compulsion to outshine everybody else grows into a successful
performer. But it remains an ongoing challenge to be at ease around others. Just at
ease…

There are always “issues” in social situations. Shame, anxiety, stress, pressure.
The desire to be invisible, the need to hide… a feeling of almost physical threat
emerges when you find yourself thrust into the limelight. The opposite way to
experience social stress is to shout from the rooftops that you are “here!” even if
nobody wants to know.

This type of social stress tends to lessen appreciably with age. One of the big
blessings (or even the biggest!) of aging is that you learn to relax around people. By
the age of forty or fifty, it dawns on you that it is really not that important what others
think of you. If somebody does not approve of you, or even does not like you – so
what? Life is full of people who do like and appreciate you. What a relief! So
remember – time is on your side. Nevertheless, if you are young and suffering, or
still struggling with these issues in your mature years, it is time to do something
about it.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 17

Contemplate:

What are your personal social challenges? How do you feel on a regular basis in
the company of people who are not that close to you? What situations really get to
you? What is your biggest fear?

YOUR COMMENTS:

A major life crisis

There is crisis in everybody’s life. For one person it is a single, devastating tragedy,
like the death of a child; for another it is an ongoing ordeal such as a chronic health
problem. Often many blows are delivered over a lifetime.

We have heard it before – every crisis is a chance. It is a chance to take a giant


step forward in our unfoldment as human beings. Many people have experienced
this. Under the most dire circumstances, they not only survived, but they flourished.
This is the healthy way to overcome a major crisis, and we admire people who
succeed in doing that.

Unfortunately, “the healthy way” is not the way that comes naturally to Motherless
Daughters. More often than not, women who did not grow up with a caring mother
seem never to get out of this state of crisis. There is crisis all the time, in various
degrees: painful relationship break-ups, one health problem after the other, money

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 18

trouble. There is high drama all the time, and you don’t know where to begin
extinguishing the fires. There are peaks of panic and an underlying perception of
being doomed.

Every time something markedly “bad” happens, like a divorce, bankruptcy or major
surgery, we are instantly thrown back into the deep pain of the little child who had
no means to cope with physical and emotional disaster. We feel utterly helpless,
abandoned, punished, scared to death – and we just know that there is no way out.
The intellectual mind tries to remind us that this time around it is different (we are
capable grownups, are we not?), but the little child within is not listening.

However, a major crisis can be a chance for a Motherless Daughter, too. If she
allows herself to let all these negative feelings come to the forefront, name them,
look at them, endure them without covering up – there is a big chance of healing not
just this specific crisis, but the old childhood pain as well.

Contemplate:

What major crisis are you going through right now? What feelings and beliefs are
coming up? Identify them clearly and write them down.

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 19

Fear, anxiety and shame

To have intense negative feelings is human. We all have them. It’s not just you.

When you have been abandoned, ridiculed, scared to death, and rejected by your
mother (and father), you have a right to feel that way. You have a right to feel that
way. Yet many women don’t think so. We are raised to be “good girls,” no matter
what happened to us. Put a smile on your face; be nice and helpful. If we really drift
into the forbidden territory of “bad” emotions, we are supposed to hide them or at
least be quick to forgive. Our mother said so. Our father said so. Society says so,
and religion certainly says so.

Unacknowledged feelings never die, however. They just fester and keep tainting our
lives. Poor health, not enough money and broken relationships are some of the
results. When we are real smart, we talk ourselves out of these feelings: “It
happened in the past; I want to live in the Now.” “She did the best she could.” “She
had a difficult mother, too. She was sick, it was not her fault.”

Well, all this is not wrong – but it only appeals to the reasonable grownup person
you are now. Meanwhile, the little child inside you (the Inner Child) cries in
desperation because her plight is not being heard… again.

The hurt Inner Child has to be given a voice and intense feelings like fear and
shame have to be acknowledged as existent before they can be released. EFT (see
chapter 3) is an extremely efficient method to do just that.

If you live with fear, anxiety and shame every day of your life, you need to do
something. Don’t hide it and don’t resign to it. In addition to doing EFT with clients, I
also recommend body work such as Trauma Release Exercises (TRE), cranio-
sacral therapy, massage, yoga, Reiki, Quantum Touch or acupuncture. Painful

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 20

emotions are always trapped in the body, and there are ways to work on a non-
verbal level to help release them.

Contemplate:

What are your specific fears? Where do you feel anxiety in your body? In what kind
of situations do these feelings come up? What are you ashamed of?

YOUR COMMENTS:

Feeling homesick

Do you know this constant yearning and longing for a place called “home?” It is
aimed at Mom and Dad, your family, your house, your town, your country – and yet
it is something entirely different. You feel homesick when you are away from home
– and you can be far, far away from home when you are sitting in your childhood
house surrounded by your whole family. This is because “home” is more a state of
mind than a physical environment. It is the place where you belong, where you feel
secure, wanted and happy. There is absolutely nothing you can do to lose your
home.

When you grew up without this basic feeling of belonging because your parents did
not give it to you, you will search for it the rest of your life. Many women find it in
starting their own family, holding on to close friendships, having a profession they
love and finding a religious or spiritual path that is just right for them.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 21

However, life does not run smoothly forever and, even if you are reasonably happy,
there will be times when this intense homesickness breaks through again. Also you
might not have found this safe haven in your life (yet) and, therefore, you are still
roaming the earth to find your home. This chronic homesickness is the most painful
kind.

Contemplate:

Are you homesick? Can you describe what you are longing for? Where do you feel
it in your body?

YOUR COMMENTS:

The need to be perfect

Do you need to be PERFECT, in every conceivable way, all the time? The perfect
mother, wife, daughter, co-worker, community member, neighbor (and on and on).
Many Motherless Daughters believe that they don’t have a choice. If you have not
been loved, cherished, and appreciated as a child for your mere existence, you feel
a lifelong pressure to “prove” that you are good and worthy. And so you push
yourself higher and further, often to exhaustion, in order to reach a goal that can
never be reached by effort: to be loved and accepted, unconditionally.

You might not realize what you are doing to yourself (and your family) because it is
such a common state of being for you. If others try to tell you how unnerving your

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 22

behavior is, you probably turn it into bragging (“You know, I am such a
perfectionist!”). Unfortunately, this particular character trait alienates others instead
of drawing them closer. The sad irony is that nobody likes a perfectionist, while
many do take advantage of her.

Since we live in a society that rewards striving to be perfect big time, it is difficult to
realize how self-destructive this attitude can be. Many women have to reach a total
meltdown before they even consider a change. There are many intense emotions
involved in healing the ingrained belief “I am not good enough.”

Contemplate:

Are you a perfectionist? In what areas of your life do you need to be better than
anybody else? What physical and emotional effects does this attitude have on you?
What are the reactions of your family and friends?

YOUR COMMENTS:

Money problems

Would you like to have more money in your life? Silly question – who wouldn’t?
However, for people who grew up in an unloving or even hostile environment,
money problems don’t just mean, well, a lack of money. This condition brings up a
host of feelings that are painful because they are not “just” about money. Scarcity,
want, need, deprivation, longing, never enough, unsafe, not cared for, always a

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 23

struggle. Does that sound familiar? I am sure it does, because these are the exact
emotions we connect with the lack of love, care and appreciation we felt when we
were growing up. There is the old pain, the hurt, the shame, the anger… and we are
experiencing it all over again, this time around money. On a psychological level,
money is love and, if love is “tainted,” our relationship with money will be, too.

There are two basic ways to heal your relationship with money. Once you are aware
of this money is love connection, you can make a conscious effort to separate
money from unresolved emotional issues. It can be done; it has been done. The
other option is to start healing your basic painful emotions – then money will follow.

Here is my personal and professional experience – until you have dealt with the
pain and negativity surrounding money, no amount of positive affirmations, no
“prosperity consciousness” or “live your dream” sales pitch will help. By the way, I
don’t believe that everybody is destined to be a millionaire (if you are, you’ll know).
Don’t waste time willing yourself into something that is not congruent with your soul
mission. Having more than enough and being relaxed around money issues goes a
long way.

Contemplate:

What are your general beliefs and feelings surrounding money? How has money
been handled in your family of origin? Do you have any specific “money memories”
that are entrenched in negative emotions?

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 24

Health challenges

Virtually everybody has health problems at some time; it is part of living in a


physical body. The extent of the illnesses and how the situations are handled vary
widely, however. There are several ways emotions have an impact on your health.
First, they can create the problem. Second, the emotions surrounding an already
present illness can be either predominantly negative (fear, anger, despair) or
positive (hope, optimism, peace, “fighting back” energy). This is where you can
make immediate changes for the better.

There is another aspect to this – the way you experienced being sick as a child. Did
your mother comfort and soothe you? Or was she unmoved, giving you the
message to “tough it out,” or did she even punish you for being ill? (Missing Fathers
may come in here, too.) Was being sick the only time you got attention and
affection?

If you have severe and/or ongoing health problems, you should take a good look at
the underlying and surrounding emotional issues. Healing might happen overnight
or take a lot of time and effort. Never give up, never, ever.

Contemplate:

What might be the underlying emotional cause for your health problem? What was
your life situation when it started? What are you getting out of it (like attention)?
What is your general attitude toward it? How did you parents react when you got
sick or injured?

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 25

Relationship conflicts

This is a big issue for daughters who grew up without a loving mother. It’s actually
not so much the relationship with the mother (if she is still alive), but with husbands,
boyfriends, siblings, children, co-workers or friends. You might not even be aware of
the destructive pattern that repeats itself over and over. The underlying agony is
this: If my mother could not love me – who can? Out of this a host of issues arise,
like the constant fear of abandonment and rejection (see paragraphs above).

Motherless Daughters often have emotionally very painful, sometimes abusive


relationships with men because they are repeating an experience that was set in
childhood. Although it often involves the father (which seems logical), it points
actually to the mother. As strange as it may sound, healing the deep wound of the
missing mother is the best thing you can do to improve your relationships with the
men – and children – in your life.

Having children of your own creates both an opportunity for healing and an
intensified challenge. Because you have not been mothered yourself, how can you
give all this nurturing and unconditional love to somebody who demands it all the
time? All the old stuff comes up when you have children. You can run away from a
man, but you can not run away from your child (and, of course, you don’t want to).

Love is always there, but sometimes we need to do the work to let it emerge and
shine in our lives. Come to think of it, isn’t that the basic work of the whole human
race?

Contemplate:

What relationships in your life are “bad?” Do you see a common thread of a specific
conflict or emotional pain in them? What is it? It what way does your “significant
other” remind you of your mother?

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 26

YOUR COMMENTS:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 27

Chapter 2

The Tool: EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques)

If you already know how to do EFT, you can skip this chapter.

If you need to learn how to do EFT (I hear your sigh), here is the deal: I will keep the
explanations to a bare minimum. And even if it sounds somewhat complicated,
I PROMISE, it is not. It actually takes just minutes to learn how to do EFT. Once you
know where the tapping points are and what the basic phrasing is, you are on your
way.

Those of you who want to know more (actually, everything) about EFT, please go to
Gary Craig’s website www.emofree.com.

A very brief history of EFT


EFT is a Meridian Therapy, and that refers to the energy meridians that run through
our bodies, an ancient Chinese concept. You are probably familiar with it from
acupuncture and acupressure.

Gary Craig developed EFT in the early 1990s and many experienced therapists
continue to refine and adapt it. That is why not all practitioners use and teach
exactly the same thing. (By the way, Gary is very open about that, unlike some
other people’s “etched in stone” healing systems.) He adapted the idea from Roger
Callahan’s TFT (Thought Field Therapy) and made the tapping process ingeniously
simple and accessible to everyone, children included.

How does it work?


Instead of manipulating dozens of different acupressure points for dozens of

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 28

different physical and emotional diseases, EFT uses only – and always – the same
end points of the major meridian channels. (Some practitioners use some additional
points.)

It’s that simple!

It has been observed that by tapping on these points while being “tuned in” to the
problem, a release of the physical or emotional pain can occur. Sometimes it
happens instantly; sometimes it takes more patience and perseverance. This has
led to what Gary Craig calls “The Discovery Statement.”

The cause of ALL negative emotions is a disruption of the

body’s energy system

A thought or memory
triggers
a disruption in the body’s energy system
experienced as
physical or emotional pain

While you are tuned in to your specific problem, tapping on the meridians restores
the energy flow, the disruption is cleared, and normal function can resume.

On the following pages are the main tapping points and the basic phrasing. There is
a shortcut: Just leave out the finger points and go from “Under the arm” to the
“Karate Chop” point. (As my clients know, I like to do the finger points for reasons
we don’t have to discuss here.)

Don’t take the basic wording too seriously. It’s just a guideline to get you going. Say
what comes naturally to you.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 29

Start tapping with your slightly bent index and middle finger on the eyebrow spot
and work your way down. Use the four fingers of your open hand for tapping when it
feels more comfortable (like on the collarbone, under the arm, and on the “Karate
Chop” point). Don’t worry if you forget a point, or if you don’t hit it right. EFT is a
very forgiving system.

Now let’s get to work.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 30

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 31

THE BASIC WORDING

Begin by taking a reading of your level of discomfort on a scale 0 to 10 (10 = high).


In other words, where is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 representing the
highest level of discomfort?

The Set-up

The SORE SPOT is actually not that sore. It is just an area of lymphatic congestion.
To find it, go to the base of your throat (where a man would knot his tie). From there
go down about 3 inches and then 3 inches over to your left (or right.) You’ll usually
discover a spot that feels more sensitive than the area around it. Rub with three or
four fingers in a circular motion.

Rubbing the SORE SPOT while saying the SET-UP phrases takes care of
Psychological Reversal (self-sabotage of your good intentions).

Rub the “Sore Spot” while repeating your affirmation statement three times:

“Even though I have this >problem<, I deeply and completely love and accept
myself.”

Example: “Even though I have this anger, I deeply and completely love and accept
myself.”

(See additional specific example “Set Up” phrases in Chapter 3.)

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 32

The Sequence

Tap on each point 5 to 7 times (don’t count) while repeating your Reminder Phrase.
The Reminder Phrase is in the middle of your affirmation: “This >problem<.”

(See additional specific example “Reminder” phrases in Chapter 3.)

Eyebrow

Side of the eye

Under the eye

The “groove” between nose and upper lip

The “crease” between lower lip and chin

Collarbone point

Under the arm

Thumb

Index finger

Middle finger

Little Finger

Gamut (on the back of your hand, between the bones of the little finger/ring
finger)

Karate Chop (side of the hand)

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 33

It does not matter which side of your body you are tapping, and you can switch
sides at any time.

The Gamut (optional)

Tap continuously on the Gamut Spot while going through these nine steps:

1. Close your eyes.

2. Open your eyes.

3. Look down hard to the right (without moving your head).

4. Look down hard to the left.

5. Roll your eyes in a circle.

6. Roll your eyes in the opposite direction.

7. Hum two seconds or so the melody of a song.

8. Quickly count out loud to five…. one, two, three, four, five.

9. Hum again.

The Sequence

Repeat the first sequence (Tapping on the points).

Take a deep breath.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 34

Then take a new reading of your level of discomfort for the specific issue on which
you’ve been tapping, on a scale of 0 to 10.

If you are not at 1 or 0, repeat the entire process using the modified affirmation:

“Even though I still have this >problem<”

or “Even though I still have some of this >problem<”

Example: “Even though I still have (some of) this anger,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

In the “Reminder Phrase” say: “This remaining >problem<.”

If you are not making any progress, get more specific on the issue. This is very
important! Sometimes you have to find the “core issue” to get relief – for example,
the underlying emotional problem of a physical disease.

On the other hand, you might tap on “depression,” but the real issue is your
suppressed anger. Tap as many rounds as you want to. Tap often. The idea is to
get your discomfort level down to 1 or 0. If you are feeling really stuck on a
particular issue, you might wish to consider a series of private sessions. Please
email info@missingmother.com to discuss this.

If you have any procedural questions or problems applying EFT, please


email info@missingmother.com or call me at (850) 878-5690
(Eastern/New York time zone). I will be happy to assist you (no cost).

That’s it! Now let’s work on the specific issues related to “Missing Mother
Syndrome.”

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 35

Chapter 3

Ready to Use: The EFT Protocols

How to proceed:

Protocols are a given set of phrases that everybody can use for tapping. Although
the experience of emotions is individual and private, the nature of these emotions is
quite general. Therefore the same wording applies to many, many people.

Some of the phrases are the same for different conditions. These are key phrases
for the “Missing Mother Syndrome.”

If a phrase does not sound true to you, don’t use it (although there is no harm in
doing so – it just won’t have any effect).

You can start at the beginning and go through all protocols, or you can pick the
most pressing issues (like “abandonment” or “money problems”).

After having gone through the protocols, please use the words, phrases, and
sentences that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS in the first chapter.

Always start with rubbing the SORE SPOT, and then tap:

The Eyebrow Point

Side of the Eye

Under the Eye

Nose (between nose and upper lip)

Chin (between lower lip and chin)

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 36

Collarbone

Under Arm

Thumb

Index Finger

Middle Finger

Little Finger

Gamut Spot

Karate Chop

If you have worked with a practitioner who taught you a different tapping sequence,
feel free to use it instead.

If possible, say the phrases aloud when you are tapping.

If you start crying (it happens often!), keep tapping anyway. This is important
because you don’t want to stop the process at its peak. Once you overcome the
intensity by tapping, the crying stops and you’ll feel much better.

Before you start, take a level of discomfort reading (see Chapter 2). Take a
reading after the two given rounds, or after several rounds of tapping. Keep
tapping until your level of discomfort drops appreciably, if possible to 1 or 0.

Now let’s get started with the specific issues.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 37

LOST, UNSAFE, OUT OF PLACE

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I feel lost, unsafe, and out of place everywhere,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though there is no place in the whole world where I feel safe,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I have never felt safe when I was a child,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like. (The wording below takes you through two rounds.)

Eyebrow……. I am always lost, unsafe, and out of place

Side of eye.... I have no roots, and I never had roots

Under eye.…. I have no home. Other people have homes, I don’t

Nose………... I am a stranger in this world, wherever I go

Chin……….… I don’t belong anywhere

Collarbone.… I am a castaway, left behind and forgotten

Under arm..… The world is a dangerous place

Thumb……… There is no safe place to go for me

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 38

Index finger… I am always in transit, wherever I go

Middle finger.. No place to turn, no place to stay

Little finger.… No place to rest

Gamut……….. Lost, forever

Karate Chop.. Stranded in a hostile world

Eyebrow….… Nobody wants me anyway

Side of eye..... Nobody is looking for me

Under eye….. Nobody misses me when I am gone

Nose…….….. My mother does not want me

Chin……….… My father does not want me

Collarbone.… Why am I here? What am I doing here?

Under arm….. It hurts so much

Thumb………. This constant pain in my heart

Index finger… This hole in my heart

Middle finger.. This deep, old sadness

Little finger…. I am different, I don’t belong

Gamut............. This constant yearning for a safe place

Karate Chop... Feeling unsafe all the time

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 39

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 40

SADNESS AND DEPRESSION

SET-UP phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I feel sad and depressed all the time,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though there is this deep, old sadness in my heart,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though this dark sadness is in every cell of my body,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. I am sad and depressed all the time

Side of eye.... This sadness in my body

Under eye.…. This sadness in my heart

Nose………... This sadness in my solar plexus

Chin……….… I want to cry but I can’t

Collarbone.… If I start crying, I’ll never stop

Under arm..… I am sick and tired of being sad all the time

Thumb……… This hole in my heart

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 41

Index finger… This sadness in every cell of my body

Middle finger.. I’ll never get better

Little finger.… I am sinking, I am drowning, I am suffocating

Gamut……….. This darkness in my body

Karate Chop.. Nobody wants me

Eyebrow….… Nobody ever wanted me

Side of eye..... My mother did not want me

Under eye….. My mother never appreciated me for who I am

Nose…….….. I am the saddest little girl (boy) in the world

Chin……….… Where is my mother?

Collarbone.… Nothing ever changes

Under arm….. I’ll just sit here and turn to stone

Thumb………. I am totally stuck

Index finger… This desperation

Middle finger.. This deep, old sadness that won’t go away, ever

Little finger…. Other people can be happy, I can’t

Gamut............. I am sad all the time

Karate Chop... This deep, old sadness stuck in my body

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 42

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 43

LONELINESS

SET-UP phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I feel lonesome all the time,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I am the loneliest little girl (boy) in the world,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though there is this deep loneliness in my heart,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. I am lonesome all the time

Side of eye.... I am the loneliest little girl (boy) in the world

Under eye.…. I always have been lonely

Nose………... Nobody wants to play with me

Chin……….… Nobody wants to be with me

Collarbone.… Nobody cares anyway

Under arm..… Nobody misses me when I am not there

Thumb……… Everybody is happy and having fun, only I am excluded

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 44

Index finger… This old loneliness in my heart

Middle finger.. This empty space in my heart

Little finger.… I am so lonely I could cry

Gamut……….. Everybody else has lots of friends, only I am lonesome

Karate Chop.. Everybody else has a big, happy family, but I am lonesome

Eyebrow….… Nobody calls me or drops by

Side of eye..... This dark, heavy loneliness

Under eye….. I miss my mother so much

Nose…….….. I miss my father so much

Chin……….… Nobody touches me, it’s unbearable

Collarbone.… This constant loneliness makes my skin crawl

Under arm….. It will never go away

Thumb………. I want to scream: I am here! Don’t you see me?

Index finger… Nobody hears me, nobody sees me

Middle finger.. I am so scared

Little finger…. I am all alone in the wilderness

Gamut............. There is nobody around

Karate Chop... This unbearable loneliness

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 45

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 46

HATING YOUR BODY

SET-UP phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I hate my body,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I hate my belly, thighs, hips, nose (insert appropriate body part),
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though my body is fat (if that sounds right) and ugly,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. I hate my body

Side of eye.... I am too fat (thin, wrinkled, pimpled…)

Under eye.…. My body is so ugly, I wince when I see it in a mirror

Nose………... I am angry with my body

Chin……….… This anger and resentment

Collarbone.… I am ashamed of my body

Under arm..… Everything is wrong with my body

Thumb……… I am trapped in this dense, thick body

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 47

Index finger… This fat, stupid body

Middle finger.. I have no control over my body

Little finger.… Why does it always get sick?

Gamut……….. Why is it always in pain?

Karate Chop.. Other women are beautiful, I am the ugly one

Eyebrow….… I envy slim, beautiful women

Side of eye..... I am not a real woman anyway

Under eye….. My mother did not love my body

Nose…….….. My father never said that I am pretty (or: made me feel dirty
when he looked at me)

Chin……….… My parents wanted a boy, and I am just a girl

Collarbone.… I feel vulnerable in a woman’s body

Under arm….. Anything can happen to a woman’s body

Thumb………. Why doesn’t my body do what I want it to do?

Index finger… I am totally disappointed in my body

Middle finger.. Nobody likes my body

Little finger…. I don’t want this body

Gamut............. This disgust with my body

Karate Chop... If I were beautiful, I could be happy

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 48

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 49

ABANDONMENT

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though my mother abandoned me when I was a little girl (boy),


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I am a motherless child,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though my mother broke my heart when she abandoned me,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. This abandonment

Side of eye.... My mother abandoned me when I was a baby (little girl,


teenager…)

Under eye.…. I am a motherless child

Nose………... My mother did not want me

Chin……….… My mother did not love me

Collarbone.… My mother broke my heart

Under arm..… This hole in my heart

Thumb……… I miss my mother so much

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 50

Index finger… This feeling of abandonment is unbearable

Middle finger.. This pain of abandonment

Little finger.… It hurts so much

Gamut……….. Why didn’t she want me?

Karate Chop.. Why didn’t she love me?

Eyebrow….… What is wrong with me?

Side of eye..... I needed her so much

Under eye….. All I ever wanted was my mother

Nose…….….. I was just a baby (child)

Chin……….… This feeling of abandonment in my body

Collarbone.… It tightens up my throat (shoulders, chest…)

Under arm….. Mother, where are you?

Thumb………. I am so afraid without you

Index finger… Mother, don’t leave me alone

Middle finger.. Mother, why did you abandon me?

Little finger…. Why did you do that to me?

Gamut............. What’s wrong with me?

Karate Chop... I am an orphan

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 51

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 52

ANGER

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I have been very angry for a long time,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I have all this anger stored in my body,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I feel this rage coming up when I think of my mother,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. This anger in my body

Side of eye.... This deep, old anger

Under eye.…. All this anger that I have stored for so long

Nose………... This rage

Chin……….… I am full of rage

Collarbone.… I want to yell, and kick, and scream

Under arm..… This anger at my mother

Thumb……… This anger at my father

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 53

Index finger… Look, what you did to me!

Middle finger.. Is that what a mother does?

Little finger.… What real mother would do things like that!

Gamut……….. I am so angry at you, mother

Karate Chop.. This hot, boiling anger

Eyebrow….… How could you!

Side of eye..... This rage in my body

Under eye….. This anger in my shoulders (arms, throat, solar plexus…)

Nose…….….. I feel guilty that I am angry

Chin……….… You never loved me, mother

Collarbone.… You never appreciated me for who I am

Under arm….. What kind of a mother are you!

Thumb………. You never protected me, father

Index finger… What kind of father is that!

Middle finger.. This big, monstrous anger

Little finger…. This volcano in my body

Gamut............. This explosive rage

Karate Chop... This red-hot anger

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 54

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 55

SOCIAL STRESS

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I am scared to death when I am in a social situation,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I can never be at ease with other people,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I feel this stress, anxiety, and shame when I am around other
people, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. This constant stress with other people

Side of eye.... This anxiety around other people

Under eye.…. This shame when everybody looks at me

Nose………... I want to run away

Chin……….… I want to hide

Collarbone.… I want to be invisible

Under arm..… What are they thinking?

Thumb……… What if they don’t like me?

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 56

Index finger… They hate me, I just know it

Middle finger.. This fear of other people in my body

Little finger.… This fear in my stomach (heart, throat…)

Gamut……….. Why can’t I take it easy like everybody else?

Karate Chop.. I am the only one with this problem

Eyebrow….… I’ll never meet with other people again

Side of eye..... Nobody sees me anyway

Under eye….. Nobody listens to me anyway

Nose…….….. Who on earth wants to know what I have to say

Chin……….… I’ll make a complete fool of myself

Collarbone.… I’ll say the wrong thing, and everybody will stare at me

Under arm….. I will trip over the rug and spill my drink on somebody

Thumb………. Nobody wants to talk to me anyway

Index finger… Why should anybody be interested in me?

Middle finger.. Everybody is smarter than I am

Little finger…. I am a complete failure in every respect

Gamut............. I am scared to death of these strangers

Karate Chop... This stress, anxiety, and shame in my body

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 57

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 58

A MAJOR LIFE CRISIS

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I am in this major crisis right now,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I am going through this illness (grief, divorce, job loss…),
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I don’t see a way out of this situation,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. This agonizing crisis

Side of eye.... I feel completely helpless

Under eye.…. I won’t make it

Nose………... There is no way out

Chin……….… I won’t get any better

Collarbone.… What ever I do, it does not help

Under arm..… It hurts so much

Thumb……… This deep pain

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 59

Index finger… This impending disaster

Middle finger.. I can’t take it anymore

Little finger.… Nobody is helping me

Gamut……….. I am going down

Karate Chop.. I won’t survive it

Eyebrow….… I am so angry that this is happening to me

Side of eye..... Nobody gives a damn about me

Under eye….. I want to curl up and never move again

Nose…….….. This tightness in my chest

Chin……….… This pain in my body

Collarbone.… This pain in my heart (abdomen, head…)

Under arm….. I have lost all hope

Thumb………. Why me?

Index finger… Why is this happening to me?

Middle finger.. It’s just too much

Little finger…. I am desperate

Gamut............. This despair, this agony

Karate Chop... This constricted breathing

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 60

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 61

FEAR, ANXIETY, AND SHAME

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I have this chronic anxiety,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I have this fear in my heart,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though this shame is in every cell of my body,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. This torturous anxiety

Side of eye.... I feel anxious all the time

Under eye.…. These anxious feelings in my body

Nose………... My anxiety never goes away

Chin……….… This stupid, constant anxiety

Collarbone.… This fear

Under arm..… This fear in my heart

Thumb……… This fear in my solar plexus (lower abdomen, shoulders,


throat…)

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 62

Index finger… This cold, raw fear

Middle finger.. I am scared to death

Little finger.… This terror in every cell of my body

Gamut……….. This childhood terror

Karate Chop.. This old terror stored in my body

Eyebrow….… The little girl (boy) inside me is afraid of mother

Side of eye..... This little girl (boy) inside me is scared of father

Under eye….. This shame

Nose…….….. I want to be invisible

Chin……….… I am cringing in shame

Collarbone.… I am ashamed of my body

Under arm….. I am ashamed of myself

Thumb………. I am ashamed that I even exist

Index finger… My mother did not want me

Middle finger.. Not even my mother could love me, shame on me

Little finger…. There is something wrong with me

Gamut............. There is no inner peace for me

Karate Chop... This shame, and anxiety, and fear

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 63

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 64

FEELING HOMESICK

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I am feeling homesick all the time,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I want to go home,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I have this constant yearning for a place called home,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. Feeling homesick all the time

Side of eye.... This yearning and longing

Under eye.…. I never had a home

Nose………... I never had a place where I belonged

Chin……….… I never had a place where I felt secure

Collarbone.… Roaming the earth to find my home

Under arm..… Other people have homes, I don’t

Thumb……… I don’t even know what I am looking for...

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 65

Index finger… ...but I am looking so hard

Middle finger.. I feel so homesick I could cry

Little finger.… I want to go home

Gamut……….. I don’t want to be here

Karate Chop.. It’s a cold, unsafe world

Eyebrow….… I don’t belong here

Side of eye..... Why am I here?

Under eye….. This sadness

Nose…….….. This pain

Chin……….… This desperation

Collarbone.… I am homeless, always have been

Under arm….. I don’t know where my home is, but it’s not here

Thumb………. I am an alien, I don’t belong

Index finger… I am excluded and isolated

Middle finger.. This loneliness

Little finger…. Nowhere to go

Gamut............. No place to stay

Karate Chop... This constant homesickness

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 66

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 67

THE NEED TO BE PERFECT

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I need to be perfect in order to be loved,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though nothing I do is ever good enough,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I work so hard to please everybody,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. I need to be perfect in everything, all the time

Side of eye.... This obsession to be perfect

Under eye.…. This addiction to being perfect

Nose………... If I am not perfect, nobody will love me

Chin……….… I work hard to be perfect in everything I do

Collarbone.… But it’s never enough

Under arm..… I am never good enough

Thumb……… I am completely exhausted

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 68

Index finger… My energy is depleted

Middle finger.. It is so hard to be perfect all the time

Little finger.… My mother did not love me

Gamut……….. My mother did not want me

Karate Chop.. My mother never appreciated me for who I am

Eyebrow….… My mother only accepted me when I did everything the


right way

Side of eye..... I feel guilt and shame about just being me

Under eye….. I have to be better than everybody else in order to be loved

Nose…….….. I have to work hard for being loved or just liked

Chin……….… I know better what other people need and want than what I
need and want

Collarbone.… I don’t count

Under arm….. Other people are a lot more important than I am

Thumb………. Only when I am perfect can I keep up with them

Index finger… I am a compulsive people pleaser

Middle finger.. Tell me what you want, and I’ll do it

Little finger…. I am never, ever good enough

Gamut............. I have never been good enough

Karate Chop... I am driven to be perfect at all times

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 69

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 70

MONEY PROBLEMS

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though there is never enough money in my life,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though it’s always a struggle with money,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I don’t deserve to have more than enough money,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. Never enough money

Side of eye.... It’s always a struggle to make ends meet

Under eye.…. It is so hard to get money

Nose………... I have to work hard to even make the minimum

Chin……….… Other people have lots of money, I don’t

Collarbone.… Maybe I don’t deserve money

Under arm..… I am angry at money

Thumb……… Only bad, greedy people have a lot of money

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 71

Index finger… It will never happen, I just know it

Middle finger.. I have tried everything, nothing works

Little finger.… It’s easier for me to give than to receive

Gamut……….. I am a compulsive giver

Karate Chop.. I am always running out of money

Eyebrow….… I envy people with lots of money

Side of eye..... My parents never had (always squandered…) money

Under eye….. My parents always fought over money, I don’t want to fight

Nose…….….. Money is love

Chin……….… Love and money have been a scarcity in my life

Collarbone.… Never enough love, never enough money

Under arm….. I never get what I want

Thumb………. I don’t feel cared for

Index finger… I don’t feel safe and secure

Middle finger.. This constant yearning for love and money

Little finger…. I feel deprived of love and money

Gamut............. This humiliating need for love and money

Karate Chop... I never get what I need and want

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 72

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 73

HEALTH CHALLENGES

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I have this health problem,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I feel sick and tired all the time,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I have a subconscious resistance to heal,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. This health problem

Side of eye.... This… (illness)

Under eye.…. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time

Nose………... This pain and discomfort in my… (body part)

Chin……….… This constant pain

Collarbone.… This constant discomfort

Under arm..… I can’t take it any longer

Thumb……… Whatever I do, nothing helps

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 74

Index finger… This fear

Middle finger.. This anger

Little finger.… This depression

Gamut……….. This despair

Karate Chop.. It will only get worse

Eyebrow….… I’ll never get better

Side of eye..... Nobody cares about how I feel

Under eye….. My stomach (head, shoulder, back...) hurts so much

Nose…….….. I feel lousy all the time

Chin……….… I don’t know what to do

Collarbone.… All these doctors don’t have a clue

Under arm….. And they don’t care anyway

Thumb………. I am completely alone with this

Index finger… This pain in my head (knee, chest, back…)

Middle finger.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Little finger…. I know that something is wrong with me

Gamut............. This desperation, I’ll never get better

Karate Chop... This resistance to healing

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 75

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 76

RELATIONSHIP CONFLICTS

SET-UP Phrases
(Say each of these phrases once, while rubbing the SORE SPOT.)

Even though I have this conflict with… (NAME),


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I am a complete loser when it comes to relationships,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though there is so much pain and suffering in my relationships,


I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Start tapping on the eyebrow point and move to the next point with each phrase. Do
as many rounds as you like.

Eyebrow……. All this pain and agony

Side of eye.... I never get it right

Under eye.…. I am a complete loser when it comes to relationships

Nose………... I always end up being abandoned

Chin……….… I always end up being rejected

Collarbone.… This abandonment

Under arm..… This rejection

Thumb……… It hurts so much

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 77

Index finger… I should walk away from him (her), but I don’t have the
strength

Middle finger.. I am an idiot, I should be able to do the right thing

Little finger.… I am always the victim, always have been

Gamut……….. I have no power whatsoever

Karate Chop.. People walk right over me

Eyebrow….… This pain in my heart

Side of eye..... (NAME) breaks my heart

Under eye….. I don’t know what to do

Nose…….….. I am so lonely

Chin……….… Nobody loves me

Collarbone.… Nobody wants me

Under arm….. Nobody appreciates me for who I am

Thumb………. Nobody cares about me

Index finger… This anger

Middle finger.. I am so angry at (NAME)

Little finger…. This anger in my body

Gamut............. This fear of abandonment

Karate Chop... This fear of getting hurt again and again

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 78

Add the words and phrases that you jotted down under YOUR COMMENTS. Move
with every word or phrase to the next point. Don’t worry about getting it right, just
tap along. Always end with the KARATE CHOP POINT.

My words and phrases:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 79

Chapter 4:

Additional EFT Techniques

EFT is designed to release negative emotions. Everyone who has worked with EFT
experiences the positive emotions that arise naturally, once the blockage is
dissolved. However, there are ways to affirm “the good stuff” with EFT, if you want
to. Just make sure that you first tap on the negative (Chapter 3); otherwise, the
positive will be a thin, ineffective cover-up.

Positive affirmations

You can use general affirmations like “I accept Divine Guidance in everything I do”
or “I am safe, all is well” or the timeless standby: “Every day, in every way, I feel
better and better.” You probably already have your favorites. In case you are still
looking for good ones, google “positive affirmations,” and/or check out the many
books written on this subject – for example by Louise Hay and Shakti Gawain.

I am aware that there are many EFT practitioners, especially in the field of
prosperity, who use positive affirmations extensively. If you have worked with me,
you know that I am not one of them. As I said, I believe that the real value of EFT
lies in the release of negative emotions, and then the positive will emerge naturally.
It is part of our spiritual makeup. Therefore, “pounding in” positive affirmations is my
least favorite technique. However, if you feel it is helping you, by all means, tap on
your positive affirmations!

My positive affirmations:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 80

The “Choices” method

Now this is a technique I really like and, as my clients know, I use it in individual
sessions. Pat Carrington developed it and if you want to learn it from scratch, get
her “Choices Training Manual.” However, it is ingenious in its simplicity, and you
can just go ahead and do it.

Use this technique if:

• You have worked through an issue, its intensity went down – but there is still
a stubborn remainder of the negative emotion (e.g. “I am still somewhat
angry at my mother”).

• There is a negative “theme of your life” (e.g. “I always attract losers” or


“Nobody loves me”) that comes up time and again.

The basic structure of a Choices sentence is this:

Even though I am (or do, or have…), I choose to….

For example:

“Even though I attract losers all the time, I choose to end this pattern and let a good,
caring man enter my life” or “Even though my mother never appreciated me, I
choose to let go of the past, and love myself for who I am.”

The phrase “I choose” is powerful, because it circumvents the doubt that a flat out
positive affirmation often triggers (“Oh yeah?”). You can choose anything you want,
right?

This is how you build your own Choices sentence:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 81

Step 1

Build the “Even though…,” the negative part of the sentence. It should not be too
long, since you have to tap on it. Find the exact right words.

Step 2

Build the “I choose…” – the positive part of the sentence. This should not just be the
opposite of the negative. Find something that truly uplifts you and makes your heart
sing. Often, you find the true Choice only after you have done EFT on the negative
emotions, because with all these blockages in place you cannot even think of
something uplifting. That is why I frequently end sessions with a Choices sentence,
but never start out with it.

Step 3

SET-UP: Tap! First, rubbing your SORE SPOT say your set-up phrase: Even
though…, I choose…

ROUND 1: Then tap a round using ONLY the "Even though…" (the negative) part of
the sentence.

ROUND 2: After that, tap a round ONLY using the "I choose…" (the positive) part of
the sentence.

ROUND 3: In the third round, tap alternating, going from point to point: "Even
though…" – move to the next point: "I choose…" – move to the next point: "Even
though…" – move to the next point: "I choose..." and so on. Always end with the
positive statement.

If this is too much, do only the set-up phrase (rubbing the sore spot), and the last
round (tapping while alternating the “Even though” and the “I choose” phrase).

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 82

There is a little secret to this method. Pat Carrington explains it in her manual:

”Once a link has been formed between a person’s negative cognition and
their positive Choice, the negative cognition now becomes a trigger that
automatically evokes this Choice each time it is fired. For those familiar with
Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), the negative cognition has now become
an “anchor” for that person’s Choice – it automatically calls it forth.”

My “Choices” sentences:

Even though _______________________________________________________,

I choose ___________________________________________________________.

Even though _______________________________________________________,

I choose ___________________________________________________________.

Even though _______________________________________________________,

I choose ___________________________________________________________.

Even though _______________________________________________________,

I choose ___________________________________________________________.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 83

The Diamond affirmations

Before EFT came along, there was the book Life Energy by John Diamond. He
connected disease and emotional problems with an imbalance of the energy
meridians. He used positive affirmations that address the specific quality of each
meridian. Now that we have EFT, we can tap on these powerful affirmations!

EFT maintenance using positive affirmations


(Based on John Diamond’s book “Life Energy”)

Tap on the Energy Meridian points while saying aloud the following
affirmations:

Sternum/Thymus: I have love, faith, trust, gratitude, and courage.

Eyebrow: I am in harmony, I am in peace.

Side of eye: I reach out with love.

Under eye: I am content, I am tranquil.

Under nose: I am standing tall and overcoming any problem.

Chin: I am clear, centered, and secure.

Collarbone: My sexual energies are balanced.

Under arm: I have faith and confidence in my future.

Rib (below breasts): I am happy, I have good fortune, I am cheerful.

Thumb: I am humble, I am tolerant, I am modest.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 84

Index finger: I am basically clean and good. I am worthy of being loved.

Middle finger: I renounce the past. I am generous. I am relaxed.

Little finger: I have forgiveness in my heart.

Karate Chop: I am jumping with joy.

Gamut Spot: I am safe. I am light and buoyant.

Sternum/Thymus: I have love, faith, trust, gratitude, and courage.

General: My life energy is high. I am in the state of love.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 85

Spiritual tapping

For those of you who like to call on angels for spiritual assistance, here is a
powerful protocol that combines EFT with the invocation of the seven archangels.

The EFT Archangel Invocation

STEP 1 – Locate your sore spot, or use the karate chop point. Relax into your body
and take some gentle full breaths. Rub the sore spot or tap the karate chop point
continuously and say out loud three times:

‘I call upon the angelic realm to assist me in my healing process. Please


support and guide me in whatever healing I need right now, whether physical,
emotional, mental or spiritual. I consciously choose to heal and set myself
free.’

Keeping your fingers on this point (Sore Spot or Karate Chop), take in a gentle and
full breath.

STEP 2 – Now tap gently with two fingers on the inside eyebrow point and say out
loud:

‘I invoke the mighty Jophiel, beauty of God. Fill me with your yellow/gold ray
and enable me to connect to my higher self, my intuition and my inner
wisdom. Free me of my dependencies and illuminate my mind. Thank you and
blessed be.’

Keep your fingers on this spot and take a gentle and full breath.

STEP 3 – Next locate the spot on the outside eyebrow, on the bone near your
temple. Tap gently and say out loud:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 86

‘I invoke the mighty Zadkiel, Righteousness of God. Fill me with your violet
ray of forgiveness, compassion and mercy. Support me to free myself from
negativity and limitation, and pave the way for forgiveness of others and for
myself. Thank you and blessed be.’

Keeping your fingers on this point, breathe in and out.

STEP 4 – Now find the spot under your eye, on the bone, tap gently and say:

‘I now invoke the mighty Michael, who is like God. Fill me with your blue ray
of protection. Please cut the cords of fear and illusion and give me the
courage and strength to live my truth. Thank you and blessed be.’

Keeping your fingers on this spot, breathe in and out.

STEP 5 – Find the spot under your nose, tap gently and say:

‘I now invoke the mighty Raphael, angel of healing. Fill me with your green
healing ray and activate my own self-healing mechanism. Thank you and
blessed be.’

Keeping your fingers on this spot, breathe in and out.

STEP 6 – Next tap under your bottom lip and say out loud:

‘I now invoke the mighty Uriel, fire of God. Fill me with the gentle peace of
your purple/gold and ruby ray. I ask for peace for myself and humanity. Thank
you and blessed be.’

Keeping your fingers on this spot, breathe in and out.

STEP 7 – Now move to your collar bone point, gently pat with an open hand and
say:

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 87

‘I invoke the mighty Chamuel, angel of love and he who sees God. Fill me with
your pink ray reaching into all the places where love and acceptance are
needed. Fill me with love. Thank you and blessed be.’

Keeping your hand here, breathe in and out.

STEP 8 – Now move your open hand to the side of your body just below the
underarm and pat gently whilst saying:

‘I now invoke the mighty Gabriel, angel of harmony and beauty. I call on your
pure white light for guidance to understand my life’s plan. Help me to draw
the people and situations needed to enable me to reach my divine potential.
Thank you and blessed be.’

Keeping your hand here, breathe in and out.

STEP 9 – Now sit quietly for a few minutes with your eyes closed, breathing slowly
and gently, in and out. Notice the quality of your inner being. Thank the angels for
the healing that you have received and for the joy and upliftment they have brought
you. Give them a big joyful smile and enjoy your day.

Courtesy of Janara Rooney • www.golowi.com • Reprinted with permission.

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com
The Missing Mother Handbook 88

About the Author

Carna Zacharias-Miller, EFT-CC, EFT-ADV


is a professional EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) practitioner, and the author
of twelve books and two e-books. She is a graduate of the German School of
Journalism in Munich, where she studied literature and philosophy. She worked as
a journalist for a daily newspaper and public Bavarian Television before becoming a
published author of novels, young adult and children’s books, and self-help non-
fiction. After marrying an American, she moved to the United States in 1993, and
now lives with her husband in Tallahassee, Florida. In 2003 she self-published her
first book in English – THE HEART JOURNAL: A Spiritual Workbook.

Carna has been educating herself for many years in the areas of spirituality,
psychology, alternative health (Reiki), myths and fairy tales. When she came in
contact with Gary Craig's EFT, she knew she had found her healing grail. She
specializes in working with women who have a “missing mother,” physically or
emotionally. Most of her sessions are done over the phone.

For more information – and to subscribe to the Missing Mother Newsletter –


please visit her website: www.missingmother.com, or write an e-mail:
info@missingmother.com

To inquire about scheduling private sessions with Carna, please call (850) 878-5690
(Eastern time zone).

© 2006 Carna Zacharias-Miller • To inquire about confidential phone sessions, please email info@missingmother.com