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Bob's Burgers: Cult Classic

Written by

Luke Freitag

626 E Verdugo Ave. Apt S


Burbank, CA 91501
(971) 219 - 2454
BOB'S BURGERS

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BOB’S BURGERS RESTAURANT - DAY

BOB stands at the counter with a bun in one hand and a patty
in the other, TEDDY, GENE, and LOUISE sit at the counter.

BOB
(Voicing the patty)
We’re through Senior Bun!
(Voicing the bun)
I knew could never trust you.
You’re nothing but a cow, Patty!

GENE
(Shocked)
Senior Bun is a scoundrel!
BOB
(Voicing Patty)
Hahaha so naive Senior Bun! I'm not
Patty! I'm Patty’s twin sister-
Veggie Patty! And now you're both
DEAD MEAT.
Bob sprays Senior Bun with ketchup. It's a mess. LINDA and
TINA walk in from the street.

LINDA
Oh Bobby! You're doing your little
make-pretends again?

BOB
It’s called the “The Bun and the
Burgerful” Lin, and... yes.

TEDDY
It's actually really good!
LOUISE
Eh, it had some third act problems.

BOB
Anyways, Lin, did you pick up the
potatoes? I need them for the big
finale- I mean, the lunch rush.
LINDA
Abouuuuut that....

CULT CLASSIC
2.

TINA
Mom gave all the potato money to
the mayonnaise man!
LINDA
(Whispering To Tina)
We said we were going to lie!
TINA
You know I'm bad under pressure!
BOB
Lin, you- what? “Gave the potato
money to the mayonnaise man?”
LINDA
Well you see-

EXT. BOARDWALK - FLASHBACK


Linda and Tina are walking down the boardwalk.

LINDA (V.O.)
We were walking to the farmers
market to get the potatoes when...

MAYONNAISE MAN (40's, oddball in a fancy suit) approaches


them, multiple jars of mayonnaise in his hands.
MAYONNAISE MAN
Hey there ladies! You look like you
know good ‘nnaise when you see it!
TINA
‘Nnaise?
MAYONNAISE MAN
Mayonnaise! America’s maple syrup!
I’m CEO of a mayonnaise startup and
I’m looking for angel investors!
And you two look like angels to me!
LINDA
What a charmer! How much do you
need?

The mayonnaise man smiles.


MAYONNAISE MAN
How much you got?
BACK TO:
3.

INT. BOB'S BURGERS RESTAURANT - DAY


BOB
And so you just gave him all the
potato money? Linda that was
clearly a scam.
LINDA
It wasn’t a scam! I’m an angel
investor! Once I gave him the money
he ran off saying he was going to
“do some business!”
LOUISE
Yeah that was a scam mom, and I
know scams.
BOB
That's the third scam you fell for
this month Lin, you’re way too
trusting with strangers.
LINDA
Oh I’m am not! You just get
paranoid Bobby. You always expect
the worst from people!
TEDDY
Just like in the Bun and the
Burgerful! Wow, talk about art
imitating life am I right Bob?
BOB
(Laughing)
What? I don't get paranoid!
LOUISE
What about when you spent the week
in Jimmy Pesto's trash because you
thought he stole a burger?
GENE
Or when you chained all the ketchup
and mustard bottles to the table
because you thought someone was
stealing them!

BOB
You WERE stealing them Gene. Look,
those were different okay?
TEDDY
In that case can my new self-help
group meet in your basement?
(MORE)
4.
TEDDY (CONT'D)
I wanted to ask but I was afraid
you would judge them without giving
them a chance.

BOB
Wait, Teddy- you’re in a self-help
group? What for?
TEDDY
Incredible loneliness!

BOB
Oh. Uh, sorry?
TEDDY
No it’s great! I didn’t even
realize I WAS lonely until I met
Father Rob! That's how good he is!
LINDA
Ooooh Father Rob? Is he the leader?
TEDDY
Yeah! His lessons teach us how to
control the horrible darkness
within all of our hearts!
BOB
Oh- I dunno Teddy, this whole thing
is sounding kind of... culty.
LINDA
There you go Judgey McJudgepants! I
think it sounds wonderful Teddy.
BOB
(Sighs)
Okay fine, Teddy. Your self help
group can meet here if it'll prove
I'm not paranoid.
TEDDY
Really? Yes! Thank you Bob, just
wait until I tell Father Rob! Ooooh
this is going to earn me so many
darkness points!

BOB
Oh boy.

INT. BOB'S BURGERS BOOTH - MEANWHILE


Tina, Gene and Louise move over to a booth.
5.

TINA
Ugh, the drought continues.

GENE
I know! Our rainfall this quarter
is TERRIBLE.
TINA
Not THAT drought, the BUTT drought.
FLASHBACK TO:

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL HALLWAY - FLASHBACK


Tina’s POV. JIMMY JR walks down the hall, his sweat pants do
NOT fit and are saggy around his butt.
TINA (V.O.)
Jimmy Jr started wearing a size
bigger sweat pants. Now his buns
just aren’t as fun.
BACK TO:

INT. BOB'S BURGERS BOOTH - PRESENT


Tina sinks in to her chair, her hands air clenching at
invisible butts.
GENE
Dang girl you are THIRSTY.
TINA
I am! The drought has left me
nothing to drink!
LOUISE
Well just be careful what you wish
for Tina. Cause when it rains, it
pours.

Thunder crashes outside. They all gasp. It begins to rain.


TINA
Woah, did you do that?
LOUISE
Shut up! Let me try again... When
it rains, it pours.
Nothing happens.
6.

LOUISE (CONT'D) GENE


Aw man. I hate coincidences!

EXT. BOB’S BURGERS SIDEWALK - LATER


The sky is dark and raining, an unmarked van pulls up.
CULTISTS in cloaks file out of it and in to Bob’s Burgers.

INT. BOB’S BURGERS RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS


Teddy is wearing a cloak over his clothes and directs the
cultists downstairs. Bob and Linda approach.
TEDDY
Right, good, yeah just through the
kitchen and down to the basement,
set up there.
BOB
So this is your “support group”
Teddy? In... cloaks?
TEDDY
Oh Bob, Linda, perfect timing. I
wanted you two to meet Father Rob.
FATHER ROB (50's, salt and pepper with a British Accent)
pulls down his hood.
FATHER ROB
Why blessings, Belchers!
BOB LINDA
Hey, uh, hi. I’m Bob. Oooh British! Fancy.
FATHER ROB
Hey there! Bob was it? My name is
Rob! Ha! What are the chances?
BOB
Oh, uh, I dunno. I guess our names
do rhyme.
FATHER ROB
HAHA! INDEED! Don’t worry though! I
won’t replace you in your family
just because our names rhyme!
BOB
Oh haha, that uh, hadn't even
occured to me... Until now.
7.

FATHER ROB
Oh! Good, good. Cause I wont!
BOB
...Right. So what is this a support
group for exactly?

FATHER ROB
Well Bob I conduct meditation
sessions to help people get a grip
on the darkest corners of their
psyche, and then cut away the
things that weigh them down. You
know, if you two wanted to join a
session I bet you'd have a bloody
good time.
BOB
Wait why would it be bloody?
FATHER ROB
Oh- sorry, British slang. I think
you Americans say “super-duper”
LINDA
We do say that!
FATHER ROB
What. A. Blessing. Speaking of dark
blessings, this is my son! Damien.
Damien pulls off his hood. Damien is goth. Witnessing his
angsty beauty from across the restaurant Tina gasps like a
fish out of water. Damien shrugs at Bob.
BOB
Hi Damien.
FATHER ROB
Welp! I’ve got to finish setting
up. We’ll be in the basement so we
don’t disturb people!

BOB
You mean disrupt people?
FATHER ROB
Yup, that too! Toodleoo!
Father Rob and Damien leave. Bob turns to Linda
BOB
(Scream whispering)
This is CLEARLY A CULT.
8.

LINDA
Oh Bobby, someone is sounding
paranoid. I bet we could both use
some meditation! I think it sounds
fun.
BOB
Fun? Lin, look at his kid. No good
parents have kids that weird!

INT. BOB'S BURGERS BOOTH - MEANWHILE


Over at the booth Gene is using ketchup to make fart sounds,
Tina is gasping like a fish, and Louise is switching the
sugar out with salt. Damien comes up from the stairs.
TINA
Is he coming over here?
GENE
Yup, here comes swoop mcgoop!
LOUISE
I thought you said it was a butt
drought, you haven’t even seen his
butt yet!
TINA
I know, that's why it’s time for
operation: Scope that cloak.
Tina sticks out her foot and Damien trips, his cloak falling
flat, perfectly accentuating a tight teen tush. Tina holds
out her hand to help Damien.
TINA (CONT'D)
(Fake Laughing)
Oh weird! You tripped on your cloak
and totally not my leg, crazy... Hi
nice to meet you I’m Tina.

DAMIEN
Hey. I’m Damien. It means darkness.
TINA
Oh that’s so cool! I love...
darkness. I think my name means
like... Agony, or something.
GENE
I thought it meant “Always sweaty.”
9.

TINA
No it stands for agony shut up! So,
uh, you like... death?
DAMIEN
Yeah it’s pretty cool I guess.

FATHER ROB (O.S.)


Come along now Damien!
DAMIEN
UGH! Coming DAD.
(To Tina)
So maybe I’ll see you later and we
can talk about darkness and stuff.
TINA
YES I WANT THAT. I mean, whatevs.
Damien walks off.
LOUISE
(Teasing)
Wow Tin’, I know you’re thirsty,
but really? “You like death?”

TINA
What are you talking about? I’ve
always loved... darkness. This is
just who I am and has nothing to do
with his juicy goth rump.

INT. BOB’S BURGERS KITCHEN - LATER


Linda is showing Rob the kitchen, Bob is cooking burgers.
LINDA
-And this is the dishwasher, it’s
where we wash our dishes!
FATHER ROB
Wow. Incredible.
(To Bob)
Oh Bob, Linda was just showing me
what a fantastic kitchen you have.
BOB
She just showed you the dishwasher,
it’s not that crazy.
FATHER ROB
But it is! I can see this kitchen
is like a sanctuary to you.
10.

BOB
Oh yeah- it is actually.
FATHER ROB
Though I have a question-
BOB
Yeah?
FATHER ROB
Do you have a freezer where I could
store a very LARGE amount of meat?
You see we’re planning a secret
...ceremony later today and I just
want to make sure everything is
set.
BOB
...How much space do you need?
Father Rob sizes Bob up.
FATHER ROB
How big are you?

BOB
What?
FATHER ROB
Nothing! We’ll make due! Come on
Linda, it’s about time we start.
BOB
Wait, Lin, you’re joining them?
The kids walk in to the kitchen, Tina has an emo bang.
LINDA
It sounds neat! Father Rob said by
confronting your darkness you can
achieve your wildest dreams!

GENE
Like being able to fart on command?
LOUISE
Or control people’s minds?
FATHER ROB
Everything is possible when you
embrace the darkness, but it takes
a lot of hard work, and sacrifice!
11.

LOUISE GENE
Pass Pass
BOB
Father Rob, give us a second?

FATHER ROB
Of course! I’ll just be over here
admiring the washing machine.
Father Rob admires the washing machine. Bob turns to Linda.
BOB
Come on Linda. We’re letting them
use our basement, that’s enough.
You don’t need to join them!

LINDA
Bobby, I know I don’t need to, I
want to! Besides, we can always
leave if it starts getting freaky!
FATHER ROB (O.S.)
Rinse cycle AND energy saver olala!
BOB
STARTS getting freaky? He’s only
talked about darkness and sacrifice
since he walked through the door!
We never should’ve let him in. Look
at what he did to Tina!
TINA
My only friend is pain.
Tina looks over at Gene and Louise, Gene gives a thumbs up.
LINDA
Well I’m going to give him a
chance. Come on Tina. We’re ready
Father Rob, let’s start the
support! Woo!
FATHER ROB
Wonderful!
Father Rob, Linda, and Tina walk to the basement staircase.
Robed figures are chanting and dancing, one robed figure in
the middle screams and flails.
LINDA
This is gonna be FUN!
END OF ACT ONE
12.

ACT TWO

INT. BOB’S BURGERS KITCHEN - IMMEDIATELY AFTER


Bob huddles with Louise and Gene. It’s still raining.
BOB
Okay, so we all agree that the
group downstairs is a cult right?
LOUISE
Oh definitely.
GENE
A cult?!? I thought they were just
CANADIAN.
BOB
Gene, Father Rob is British.
GENE
Europe’s Canada!
BOB
No- Look- Whatever. We need to
figure out who Father Rob really is
and what’s going on down there so
we can get Tina and your mom out if
anything bad happens.
LOUISE
How do we know anything bad is
going to happen? It seems to make
Teddy happy.
BOB
Cause they’re a cult Louise! Cults
do weird and scary things and I
don’t want one in my basement.
GENE
Got it, fear anything different
from us. Good lesson Dad.
BOB
What? No, that’s not it Gene. I
know exactly what they are, I just
want to protect my family.
GENE
So anything is justifiable if it’s
for your family? Cool cool.
13.

BOB
No that’s not what I meant either-
Look, if you’ll help me I’ll take
you both to get whatever you want
from the toy store.
GENE AND LOUISE
I'm in.

INT. BOB'S BURGERS KITCHEN - LATER


Louise gears Gene up with an ear piece and mic, she’s set him
up with a wire recording to tape. Bob stands impressed.
BOB
You just had this ready to go
Louise?
LOUISE
Never know who you’re going to need
to blackmail.
BOB
That's... concerning.
(To Gene)
Alright Gene, you’re going to spy
on the cult and figure out what’s
going on down there.
GENE
My safeword is pizzazz.
BOB
So Louise, if Gene says “pizzazz”
you rush in and help him. While you
two handle this, I’m going to find
out who Father Rob really is.
GENE
How are you going to do that?
BOB
I uh, I hadn’t thought that part
through. I thought maybe I’d pull
his public records at city hall...?
GENE
Is that a thing you can do?
LOUISE
Why don’t you just look him up
online?
14.

BOB
Is THAT a thing you can do?

INT. BOB'S BURGERS BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER


Gene descends the stairs to the basement.
LOUISE
This is Golden Rabbit, do you read
me Chubby Monkey? Over.
GENE
(whispering)
I told you to call me by my NEW
code name! Over.
LOUISE
(Sighs)
Do you read me Fart Surprise? Over.
Downstairs, the cult is chanting, candles are set up and
spooky runes are painted all over.
GENE
Loud and clear. Ooh Look at the
decorations! Now that’s pizzazz!
Louise comes running down the stairs.
LOUISE
You said the code word! What’s
wrong?
GENE
Nothings wrong! It’s just stylish!
Louise face palms. Linda notices them on the stairs.
LINDA
Kids! Come join Father Rob and I!
LOUISE
Busted.

INT. BOB'S BURGERS BASEMENT - MEANWHILE


Tina and Damien chat to the side of the basement. Tina twirls
her hair, Damien swoops his bang.
15.

DAMIEN
And that’s how I knew Beetlejuice
was my favorite movie. What’s your
favorite movie Tina?
TINA
“Boy-Horse Horse-Boy.” The story of
a half-horse half-boy who's all
heart.
DAMIEN
What?
TINA
I m-mean, sometimes I just watch
the static, cause it’s like... my
soul, you know?
DAMIEN
Oh right on, the noise of life.
You know Tina, you’re pretty cool
for a normie.
TINA
(Laughing nervously)
Whaaaaat? Normie? No I’m... super
dark.
DAMIEN
Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got the
spirit of darkness inside you, but
you’re dressed like a total normie.
TINA
Oh that, well, my Dad won’t let me
buy that kind of makeup and
clothes. Pshh. Parents.
DAMIEN
I’ve got some extra if you want. I
think it’d be cool, and a real slam
to your ding-dong dad.
TINA
And then we can touch butts right?
DAMIEN
What?
TINA
What? Yeah I said I’ll do it.
16.

INT. TINA’S BEDROOM - MEANWHILE


Bob enters Tina’s bedroom and sits down at her computer.
BOB
Okay, let’s see, if I was the
internet where would I be... “Boy-
Horse Horse-Boy: erotic fan
fiction?” ...I’m going to leave
that alone. Here we go, internet!
Bob opens up the web browser “Giggle search”.
BOB (CONT'D)
Okay, search for “Rob-” uh... shoot
I don’t know his last name, okay,
“Father Rob... cult... British.”

Bob hits “I’m feeling plucky” below the search bar, TONS of
entries pop up, including images of Father Rob.
BOB (CONT'D)
It’s him!
(Reading the search result
headlines)
“Father Rob’s dark dealings” “Could
Father Rob be Satan himself?” Oh my
gosh- “Ten cute animals doctors
don’t want you to know about-?”
That’s spam. Who would guess
there’s so much information on the
internet ready with just a click?
Bob begins to click faster, creating a jazzy beat. As his
eyes glaze over we see the monitor reflected in his pupils.
FADE TO WHITE:

INT. INTERNET - SURREAL SONG SEQUENCE - CONTINUOUS


Bob is in the web browser. Lists, articles and pictures
scroll and spin past him.
BOB
So much knowledge, so little time.
I’m sure it’s fine, if I just read
the headlines!
WHISPERY FEMALE VOCAL CHOIR
Click click, clickity click.
17.

BOB
It’s all true of course, why check
the source? The only imperative is
it fits my narrative!
WHISPERY FEMALE VOCAL CHOIR
Click click, clickity click.
BOB
So much information you can get
with a click! Oh wait that’s a
dick, and that’s a dick, and that’s
a dick dick dick!
WHISPERY FEMALE VOCAL CHOIR
Misclick, dickity click. Click
click, clickity click!
The music crescendos and female vocals get louder, Bob
cackles with joy.
CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT - LATER


Tina has transformed into a goth. She’s very uncomfortable.
Damien walks up to her.
DAMIEN
Woah, Tina, you look... incredible.
TINA
(Coughing)
All this make up is... a bit much
don’t you think? I feel like it’s
giving me ten rashes.
DAMIEN
Just like life Tina. The pasty
white is the endless expanse of
life, the black eyeliner is our
soul, and the rash is society.
TINA
(Sighing)
Look Damien, this has been fun, but
this whole goth thing just isn’t-
Damien holds his fingers up to Tina’s lips.
18.

DAMIEN
Shhh Tina, before you say anything.
I wanted to tell you: before I met
you I thought I’d never find anyone
who got me. But you do Tina... Do
you want to touch my butt?
TINA
Y-Yes! I thought you’d never ask!
And I’d never do it without asking
because consent is important!
Tina moves forward and reaches for his butt. Damien backs up.
DAMIEN
Woah! What’re you doing?
TINA
But you just said-
DAMIEN
I know, but we can’t do it until
after the ceremony!
TINA
What ceremony?
DAMIEN
We can’t touch butts until we’re
married! It’s the holiest of
places.
TINA
Oh right, cause it’s got all the
holes. That makes sense. Wait, so
you mean-
Damien gets down on one knee.
DAMIEN
Yes, Tina, will you marry me?
TINA
Aren’t we too young?
DAMIEN
Not for a cult Tina.
TINA
...Yes, of course!! I mean- Sure.
DAMIEN
Wonderful, I shall prepare the
sacrements.
19.

TINA
(To Linda in background)
Mom I’m getting teen married!!
LINDA
Oooooh I wanna be the flower girl!

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - LATER


Tina, Damien, Linda, Louise, Gene, and the cult all sit
around the restaurant, eating burgers. Bob runs in from the
rain, sopping wet and holding soggy papers. He’s panting.
BOB
Linda! Linda... you’ll never...
oof... Linda you’ll never
believe... What I found out.
LINDA
Bobby where were you? What are all
those papers?
BOB
Articles! Articles I found on the
internet that prove exactly who
Father Rob really is... but we
don’t have a printer so I had to
run to the library to print them
out there.
GENE
(Mouth full of burger)
We have a library?!
Bob plants the soggy papers on the table. He sees they’re all
eating burgers.
BOB
Wait, what are you eating? Who made
those?
Father Rob appears from the kitchen, he’s dressed like Bob.
FATHER ROB
Oh hey there Bob! We all worked up
a bit of an appetite facing our
demons, so I just thought I’d whip
something up for my family! Like
you said, what’s yours is mine!

BOB
I never said that.
20.

LINDA
Oh I said it for you Bobby, what’s
yours is his! Try his burgers!
They’re really good!
LOUISE
Like REALLY good.
BOB
Louise- you and Gene were supposed
to be spying FOR me, not betraying
me! What happened?
Louise shrugs.
LOUISE
Got distracted.

LINDA
Bobby you were using the kids to
SPY? What’s gotten in to you?
BOB
The TRUTH Linda. Father Rob is a
total scam artist- look at all
these articles I found online!
Linda picks up a paper.
LINDA
(Reading)
“Is Father Rob literally Satan?”
BOB
See?!
Linda keeps reading.
LINDA
It just says “No he’s very nice.”
BOB
What? Oh, I uh, I didn’t actually
read the article...
LINDA
Oh really. You jumped to
conclusions again? This is just
like with the mayonnaise man! This
is what I was talking about Bobby
you get so paranoid!
21.

BOB
This isn’t like the Mayonnaise man
Linda! In Europe they call him “Rob
the Butcher!”
LINDA
I already know that Bobby!
BOB
Yeah he’s-! Wait, you knew? About
the butcher thing? How?
LINDA
Because I asked! Father Rob worked
as a butcher with his wife before
she took it all in the divorce.

BOB
Oh... So this whole cult thing...
Father Rob walks out from the kitchen.
FATHER ROB
It’s my way of taking control of my
life. When my wife left, I felt a
total darkness. I thought maybe by
helping others confront their pain,
I could be brave enough to face my
own... and get over Shannon!
Father Rob bursts in to tears, running downstairs. Linda
chases after Father Rob.
LINDA
Aw Father Rob come back!
BOB
Oh god, I was a huge jerk.
LOUISE
(Mouthful of burger)
Yup!
END OF ACT TWO
22.

ACT THREE

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - LATER


Bob mopes as he mops the floor. The restaurant is empty.
BOB
(Singing sadly)
Moping while I mop, moping while I
mop. Jumped to conclusions but it
was a flop so I’m moping while I
mop.
Louise walks up and sits on a stool.
LOUISE
Mop moping? Yeesh, this Father Rob
stuff really has you down huh?
BOB
I just feel so bad. Linda was
right, I judged Father Rob too
quickly and just assumed he was a
bad guy. I wish there was a way I
could just start over and show him
I'm not a jerk!
LOUISE
You could always go and apologize
to them.
BOB
No that’s not it... Oh! What if-

HARD CUT:

INT. BOB’S BURGERS KITCHEN - LATER

Louise is disguising Bob, he’s got a blond wig and an old


Hulk Hogan style blonde mustache taped over his mustache.

BOB
You had all this ready to go too?
We need to talk about what you're
getting up to after school.

LOUISE
Hey you need it don’t you? Clients
can't complain.

BOB
Fair enough.
23.

Louise puts a large cowboy hat on him. Bob admires himself in


the reflection of the dishwasher.
LOUISE
Aaaaand done! Nobody will suspect
it’s you. Mostly because that hat
is VERY distracting.

BOB
I don’t know, I think I kind of
pull it off.

LOUISE
Oh boy. Explain to me again how is
this better than just apologizing?

BOB
Because, I’m going to pose as a new
initiate and befriend Father Rob as
this... cowboy.

LOUISE
Biggs McRidge, a Texas Oil baron
who’s seeking inner peace after
the atrocities he’s committed in
the name of corporate greed.
BOB
Sure- But then I’ll reveal it’s me,
showing I’m not the kind of guy who
judges people at first glance!
LOUISE
Even though you DID do that.

BOB
Well yeah, but, this is the NEW me.

LOUISE
Biggs McRidge.
BOB
EXACTLY.

INT. BASEMENT - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Bob stands in front of the cult disguised as Biggs McRidge.


BOB
(Bad southern accent)
Howdy!
24.

INT. BASEMENT - ELSEWHERE


The basement is decked out with black and red rose petals.
Rows of chairs all face a rose covered arch with red painted
runes behind it. Tina paces back and forth in a goth wedding
dress in the corner of the basement.

TINA
Okay, okay. Pro: A good butt that I
could touch all the time. Con: I’d
be living a lie. Pro: Uhhhhhhh

Tina gasps in the air like a fish, Linda comes running over.
LINDA
Tina honey what’s wrong?

TINA
Mom, does Dad have something that
first attracted you to him?

LINDA
Oooh that mustache! Mmmmmmmmf!

TINA
Well what if to be with that
mustache, you had to pretend to be
someone you weren't?

LINDA
Hmmm, who do I have to be? Because
that ‘stache is pretty good.

Tina stares off in to the distance at Damien’s Butt, Damien


is just swooping his bang repeatedly.
TINA
(Sighs)
Tell me about it.
LINDA
What?
TINA
I mean, ew, not about Dad’s stache.
But a good body can make you crazy.
LINDA
Tell me about it. But forget about
the boy and focus on yourself Tina
my Queen-a!
TINA
What do you mean?
25.

LINDA
You’ll never be happy trying to
live someone else’s life they
envision for you. Live up to your
own expectations. You’re young!
Live it up!

TINA
Wow, thanks Mom, that was actually
really nice.

LINDA
Aw thanks Tin’
(Leaning in close)
And I snuck some booze in with the
party punch. Happy Wedding!
TINA
Oh wait- shouldn’t we stop the-

Wedding music begins to play. Undercover Bob talks with


Father Rob, Teddy and OTHER CULTISTS.

FATHER ROB
-And that’s how when I started this
organization I also saved 200 sea
turtles from surefire death. Oh!
There’s the music, I have to go.
Father Rob walks toward the rose arch by the boiler. Bob
turns to Teddy and the other cultist.

BOB
Wow, he’s amazing-
(Coughs and does a
southern accent)
I mean, that Father Rob feller
seems mighty kind. Wouldnt’a
guessed it just by looking at ‘im,
but “Biggs McRidge Oil Tycoon” aint
the sort of feller who’d judge a
man by first glance.
CULTIST ONE
Oh yeah, Father Rob is the best.
TEDDY
Yeah, he really takes time to
understand and encourage people.
Not like Bob upstairs.
BOB
Hey- Ahem. I mean, I’m sure he had
his reasons.
26.

CULTIST ONE
(To Teddy)
Oh, speaking of Bob, didn’t Father
Rob say he wanted us to
(Gestures a finger slicing
across his throat)
take him out after the wedding?
BOB
Wait what?
TEDDY
Right, yeah Father Rob said he was
too “rotten and spoiled” to keep
around.
BOB
Wait what?!

CULTIST ONE
Oh yeah, we’re going to have to bag
him up and toss him in the dumpster
out back.
BOB
Whaaaaaaaaaaat.

TEDDY
That’s a real shame, I was looking
forward to seeing Father Bob cut
him up in front of everyone.
CULTIST ONE
Oh yeah that would be a sight.

BOB
What is going ON HERE?!
TEDDY
Ooooh the weddings about to start!
Tina walks down the aisle in a goth wedding dress. Linda
shimmies her down the aisle tossing flowers. Damien waits
under the black rose arch and Father Rob is officiating.
TINA
Listen, Damien, before you say
anything, I need to tell you-
FATHER ROB
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are
gathered here today as a family of
darkness.
27.

Gene jumps up from the audience.


GENE
I object!

FATHER ROB
We’re not at that part yet- Wait
why do you object?

GENE
I just wanted some DRAMA. Continue!

TINA
Wait- no he’s right. Father Rob,
Damien, Listen-

BOB
I object!
Bob steps down the aisle.

FATHER ROB
Oil Tycoon Biggz McRidge?!
BOB
What? Oh no-
Bob takes off his hat and fake mustache.

BOB (CONT'D)
Ow- Here I was, feeling bad because
I thought I hurt your feelings. But
I come down here and hear you’re
planning to “take me out?”

Bob picks up a folding chair and points it at Father Rob.


FATHER ROB
Bob- what a surprise! I’m sure I
don’t know what you’re talking abo-
BOB
I heard Teddy and some other
CULTIST say you were going to “cut
me up”! Guess I wasn’t so wrong
about you after all ROB THE
BUTCHER!
Bob swings at him with a folding chair. Father Rob picks up a
folding chair and blocks Bob’s swing.

FATHER ROB
Oh! That, well there’s a perfectly
reasonable explanation actually!
28.

LINDA
Bobby stop!

BOB
Oh there’s an explanation is there?
I suppose there’s a reason why
you’re MARRYING my teenage daughter
to your weird son?!
FATHER ROB
It’s what she wants-

TINA
IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!

GENE
Oof, now there's too MUCH drama.
TINA
Damien, I’m sorry you had to find
out this way, but this just isn’t
who I am.
Tina attempts to wipe away goth make-up, it smudges terribly.

TINA (CONT'D)
THIS is who I am. You’re a nice
guy, well- you’re kind of weird and
working through some stuff- but so
am I. But I’m a sexual Pegasus and
I’m not ready to clip my wings.

BOB
Well that still doesn’t explain the
cutting me up part! I want some
answers!

Bob gets smacked in the back of the head by a folding chair.


The chair is being held by Linda.
LINDA
Oooooh I feel like a wrestler!
Bob is collapsed on the ground.

LINDA (CONT'D)
Oh... Uh oh.
END OF ACT THREE
29.

ACT FOUR

Int. Basement - Later


BOB’S POV. Blackness. Bob’s eyes open, the cult and his
family surrounding him. We cut away from his POV, Bob
struggles but is tied to a chair.
BOB
Ow... Geez, what happened? Did
somebody hit me with a chair?
LINDA
That was me, sorry Bobby!

BOB
Oh god, you’re all going to do it
aren’t you? You’re going to kill me
now and- and feast on my flesh for
the cult!
FATHER ROB
What? No!

GENE
Too fatty!

BOB
Then why am I tied up?
FATHER ROB
Because you attacked me with a
chair! Why would you possibly think
we would kill you?!

BOB
I heard Teddy saying you were going
to “take me out” after the wedding
because you said I was “rotten and
spoiled”! And you asked the weird
freezer question earlier!
FATHER ROB
Oh that? I wanted to make a thank
you for letting us use your
basement, so I put my old butcher
skills to use and made you this!

Father Rob wheels over a GIANT statue of Bob made entirely of


ground beef and burger materials. It’s a monstrosity.
FATHER ROB (CONT'D)
It’s a Burger Bob! For Bob’s
Burgers!
30.

BOB
Oh! That’s... sweet. Very weird-
but sweet. It smells terrible.
LOUISE
You’re no spring rose yourself Dad.
FATHER ROB
I wanted it to be a surprise, but
you didn’t have enough freezer
space to store the raw statue. It
ended up spoiling before I could
finish so I was going to have Teddy
toss it in the trash.
Bob shakes his head.

BOB
Wow, geez. I came down here to show
you I'm not this kind of guy, even
though I was, and I did it again
like right away. I can’t even
remember why I did in the first
place.
GENE
Because he’s foreign!
BOB
No that’s- Well, actually... I
guess I still have a lot to work
on... Though what's going on with
Tina getting married? That’s still
weird.

LINDA
Oh Bobby they’re kids! It wouldn’t
be a LEGAL marriage or anything.

FATHER ROB
Actually it would have! I’m also an
ordained minister.

LINDA
Oh- woops! Haha dodged a bullet
then!

TEDDY
(To Bob)
Seems like you learned a lot of
life lessons today Bob!

GENE
Yeah leave some for the rest of us!
31.

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - LATER


The cult packs up their chairs into the van outside, the
family says their goodbyes to Father Rob and Damien.

BOB
You sure you’re gonna go? I know I
wasn’t the most welcoming at first-

FATHER ROB
Oh no, I think it’s time. Not even
because of you Bob, but because
Tina dumped Damien. VERY publicly.
Damien sniffles.

FATHER ROB (CONT'D)


(Whispers)
He’s a sensitive boy.
Tina walks up to Damien. She’s no longer goth.

TINA
Hey Damien.

DAMIEN
Hey Tina...
TINA
I’m sorry things ended so poorly
between us. I thought I was willing
to do anything for one juicy butt,
but turns out there’s a line.

DAMIEN
It’s okay Tina, it was actually
pretty lame of me to try and change
you to who I wanted you to be... Do
you want to touch my butt? I know I
put you through a lot.
TINA
Really? ...No marriage?
DAMIEN
No marriage.

Tina hugs Damien and squeezes that tight tush.


TINA
The drought is over.

LINDA
Oh look it’s clearing up!
32.

The rain outside subsides, sunlight shines.

EXT. BOB'S BURGERS - IMMEDIATELY AFTER


The cultists drive off. The Belchers wave farewell.

BELCEHRS
Bye bye! See ya! Later!
LINDA
Woof, what a day, I can’t even
remember how it all started!
A DELIVERY MAN approaches.

DELIVERY MAN
Hey are you Linda Belcher?

LINDA
I am!
DELIVERY MAN
I have one hundred crates of
something called “’Nnaise” for you?
There’s a huge truck full of boxes labeled ‘Nnaise.

LINDA
The potato money for the mayonnaise
man!

DELIVERY MAN
...Sure, just sign here.
END OF SHOW