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Sketch Comedy

written by

Luke Freitag

626 E Verdugo Ave Apt S,


Burbank CA, 91501
(971) 219-2454
lukefreitag@gmail.com
 
CHILI CHUNKA

INT. CHILI FACTORY - DAY

JESSIE shows SAM the factory assembly line.

JESSIE
So here's where the cans of chili
get sealed up. Your job is to make
sure that all the cans are properly
sealed before we ship them off. Not
exciting work, but it pays. Welcome
to the Chunka Chili Chili Factory,
any questions?
SAM
Nope, honestly I'm just excited to
have a stable job.

JESSIE
That's great. We have a high
turnover rate- the owner can be a
little-
CHILI CHUNKA swings around the stage wall with a flourish. He
leaps to stage, somersaults to SAM and springs to his feet,
reaching in to his pockets and THROWS FULL CANS OF CHILI.
They clatter about- Chunka lifts his hat and another can
falls out.

JESSIE
...Much. He can be a little much.
CHILI CHUNKA
Chili Chunka at your service!
(To Sam)
You must be Charlie!

SAM
Uh, actually sir my name is Sam.
CHILI CHUNKA
Welcome Charlie! To my wonderful
Chunka Chili playground!
JESSIE
(Bluntly)
It's a factory.
CHILI CHUNKA
A factory... of imagination!
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 2.

JESSIE
Of chili. He tries to make the
factory seem way more exciting than
it is. We had some legal issues
regarding his... bold claims, which
is why I give the tour now.
CHILI CHUNKA
Tour Schmou-er. Factory Smacktory!
It's what's in your heart that sets
you apart! Charlie-
JESSIE
Her name is Sam-
CHILI CHUNKA
Would you like the REAL tour of the
Chunka Chili Chili factory with me?

SAM
U-Uh, sure sir!

JESSIE
Please don't encourage him.
CHILI CHUNKA
Well then Charlie-
(Beginning to sing)
Come with me- and you'll be- In the
soupy world of Chunka Chili-

Chili Chunka grabs Sam by the hand tossing chili again out of
their pocket. Leading them around the factory. Jessie follows
JESSIE
Oh god it's the song.
CHILI CHUNKA
We'll begin- at check in- At this
machine of pure imagination. If
you've got a golden ticket, then
this is where you stick it~!
JESSIE
That's where you punch your time
card. Make sure you're here by 9am.

CHILI CHUNKA
If you don't- that's your desire-
JESSIE
Actually you'll be fired. ...Fuck!
I hate it when he tricks me into
rhyming!
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 3.

Chili Chunka leads Sam down by the conveyor belt of chili.


CHILI CHUNKA
If you want to feel chili-dice~
Simply dip your hand and feel it~
Chili Chunka just plunges his hands right in and attempts to
feed it to Sam. Sam tastes it.
CHILI CHUNKA
Just as long as you don't steal it~
Go on, Take a chunk- and we'll
congeal it.
JESSIE
Nope, nope. Nu-Uh! I've told you so
many times that's a MASSIVE FDA
violation. Now all of that chili
has to go straight to the dump.

Chili Chunka whisks Sam off to the other side of the stage.
CHILI CHUNKA
Look there Charlie- a wonderful
waterfall of beans and meat!
JESSIE
N-Not a waterfall! That's an
extremely dangerous food processing
unit! The beans and meat are 500
degrees.
CHILI CHUNKA
Go ahead, dip your hand in.
JESSIE
Motherfu- what?!? You will LOSE
your hand! We can't handle another
OSHA strike! Not after you brought
in CHILDREN FROM THE STREET to
dance around the factory floor!
CHILI CHUNKA
Well it was just so drab in here! I
needed a bit of children cheer! Now
they are chili-dren!

JESSIE
Three of them died.
CHILI CHUNKA
Well at least they died
whimsically! Well Charlie? What do
you think of my chili factory?
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 4.

SAM
Oh it's wonderful Mr. Chunka!
Absolutely wonderful!

JESSIE
(Throwing subtle shade)
Really?
CHILI CHUNKA
Oh I'm so glad you think so
Charlie- Because it's yours now.
Only someone who believes in the
magic of chili would be the heir to
my factory.
JESSIE
Okay, wait, you can't just say
that. You're the sole shareholder.
If you say it it actually happens.

SAM
(gasps)
Really Mr. Chunka? I mean, I
thought this was just going to be a
low paying factory job! I'm
actually a felon!
JESSIE
And I've been with the company
since it began! I have children!
You can't be serious.
CHILI CHUNKA
Oh I'm quite serious and quite
delirious! The factory is yours
Charlie!
(A beat)
Toodle-oo!
Chunka is GONE. Sam starts to comfort Jessie- but then-
reaches his hand in to the chili and offers it to Jessie.
SAM
So... want some chili?
JESSIE
(Sighing reluctantly)
...yes.

BLACKOUT.
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 5.

HACKERS (1995)

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT


A starkly lit server building, two Hackers, NULL PHREAK,
dressed in all neon and fingerless gloves, and ALEX, dressed
like a normal human being, enter.
ALEX
Alright Jessica- security is
changing shifts, that gives us
about ten minutes to hack into
monsanto's mainframe, take the
data, and get out. Ready?
NULL PHREAK
Woah man! You can't just call me
Jessica. When we’re hacking you
need to call me by my hacker name,
Null Phreak! ...With a PH.
Null Phreak snaps her fingerless gloves and cracks her
knuckles.
ALEX
Null-Phreak? Okay yeah, whatever,
let's do this quick. I need you to
prep the root kit while I do some
fuzzing to look for a backdoor.
They take out laptops and plug them into the servers, they
sit down and begin to hack. Null Phreak hunches over their
computer, bobbing and weaving as she types, eyes darting,
profusely sweating. Alex types normally before looking over,
squinting.
ALEX
(Hushed)
...What are you doing?
NULL PHREAK
I’m splicing a worm to their
firewall so I can bypass straight
to their code compiler!
Alex gives Null Phreak a look of flat disbelief
ALEX
Okay... that was a nonsense
sentence. But why're you sweating
though?
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 6.

NULL PHREAK
I’m hacking! It’s how you’d do it
if you were elite. Like me.
ALEX
What? ...Okay "elite" isn’t a
thing. It hasn’t been since the
90’s. Do you even know how to hack?
NULL PHREAK
Oh don’t worry man, I’ve seen
Hackers like 3 times. Hack the
planet!
ALEX
Hackers? Like the 1995 fictional,
MOVIE hackers?
NULL PHREAK
Yeah man, Angelina Jolie is so hot
in that movie, I’ve seen it like
three times.
ALEX
Three times isn’t even a lot times!
That movie is all "Hollywood" bs!
Real hacking isn’t just
"Compromised through lines" and
"Delivering counter brute force
viruses"
Null Phreak has a second computer and is typing on them with
both hands, wooshing between them.
NULL PHREAK
My through line has been
compromised! Delivering counter
brute force virus.
ALEX
You can’t type at two computers,
you’ll just make typos!

NULL PHREAK
Yo man, you ever heard of CTRL-ALT
DEL?
ALEX
(Disbelief and
Disappointment)
...I paid you a bitcoin to be here.
Null Phreak is stretched out over four computers, typing with
her hands and feet.
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 7.

NULL PHREAK
Hack the planet!
ALEX
Ugh, Listen- if you're just here to
play around then just at least stay
out of my way while I do some
actual hacking.
NULL PHREAK
I can’t hear you! I’m inside the
computer.
Null Phreak is wearing a CRT monitor like a helmet, her face
where the screen should be.
ALEX
Stop it, STOP IT! This isn't
HACKING. I’m out, I’m out! I’m not
going to get busted by the COPS
because you think you can fly
through cyber space and find that
big red switch in that digital sky!
You’re not elite! you’re not a
hacker! You're a sad NOBODY who's
living in a fictional past!
Alex walks up to the computer Null Phreak is typing at.
ALEX
Your computer isn’t even on. You
want to "Hack?" You want to "crack
the code?" let me help.
Alex picks up the computer and breaks it over his knee and
drops it back on the desk, he walks out. Null Phreak stares
at the computer- a beat. The broken computer screen flickers
to life. IT READS: "WECLOME NULLPHREAK //Hack the Planet".
NULL PHREAK
I’m in.

Null Phreak is surrounded by a digital grid and flies through


a cheesy 80’s cyberspace where she looks down on the digital
world below her.
NULL PHREAK
(Whispers)
Hack the Planet
We see a computer screen, a mouse hovers over a file named
"Earth" and drags it to the trash.
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 8.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING NIGHT


Alex is walking out of the office building
ALEX
Psh, "Hack the planet" That idiot
couldn’t hack her way out of a
paper ba-
Earth gets deleted. Alex looks around confused.
ALEX
What the fu-?

BLACKOUT
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 9.

MY KIDS ARE EX-MACHINA!

INT. DINNER TABLE - NIGHT


HENRY (Dad) sits at the head of the table. JANINE (Mom), LIZ
(Daughter), and JACOB (Son) are all eating. Henry STARES DOWN
Jacob.
JANINE
Oh Henry! Did you see that Jacob
got a perfect score on his AP
Calculus test?
HENRY
(Flatly)
Not surprised.
LIZ
Oh and dad my robotics team is
going to compete nationally now!
The judges said it was the most
impressive robot they’ve seen at a
student level.

HENRY
Takes one to know one.
Liz and Jacob look dejected
JANINE
Oh not this again Henry! For the
last time our kids-
Henry jumps to his feet.
HENRY
They’re not "Our" kids Janine!
They’re Ex Machina!!
A beat, this is NOT the first time they’ve heard this
ridiculous claim.

JANINE
Oh for the love of god. Our kids
are NOT Ex Machina Henry! You just
watched the 2015 thriller Ex
Machina last week for the first
time and now you think everyone is
a robot in disguise!
JACOB AND LIZ
We’re not Ex Machina Dad! We’re
just smart.
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 10.

LIZ
Also, Ex Machina is just the movie
title, you can just say the words
robotics.
Dad sits back down in a huff

HENRY
Well then GOOGLE ME THIS Ex-
Machina. Your mother is a brilliant
inventor who won the Nobel Prize
for Robotics, and I’m just an
infertile morning radio shock jock!
So how did we have TWO SMART KIDS?
JANINE
They’re our little miracles Henry!
HENRY
Yeah, miracles of SCIENCE.
Jacob begins to cry at the table.
JACOB
Why can’t you just believe us dad?
I worked hard for your affection!
Henry stands back up.
HENRY
Punch me.
JACOB
What-? No-
HENRY
Come on, punch me.
JACOB
Dad I’m not going to-
HENRY
You can’t can you? Because of the
THREE LAWS OF EX MACHINA! First law
of Ex-machina: no Ex Machina can
cause harm to humans! Second Law of
Ex Machina: an Ex Machina must obey
orders given by humans, except if
it conflicts with the first! Third
law of Ex Machina: an Ex Machina
must protect it’s own existence
unless it conflicts with the FIRST
TWO LAWS OF EX MACHINA!
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 11.

JANINE
Henry stop! Sit down.
Henry sits. Janine takes his arm and comforts him.
JANINE
I know it’s hard Henry. The kids
grow up, they get smart and
socially awkward; its easy to think
they may be Ex Machina.
Henry nods.
JANINE
But the movie came out two years
ago. Liz and Jacob are 16. They
were already 14 when the movie came
out!
HENRY
Then why don’t I remember their
childhood?!
LIZ
Because you were never around! You
were too busy with your morning
radio show: Car Toots and Horn
Honks, Walk on the Wild Side with
Honkin Henry!
A looooong beat. Henry stands up from the table, walks
towards audience.
HENRY
Am I a terrible father who believes
his children are ex-machina because
they’re smarter than I am and
socially awkward?
He thinks about it for a moment, his facial expression
teeters closely to "yes".
HENRY
OR WAS I EX MACHINA THE WHOLE TIME?
That’s why I can’t remember their
childhood! They’re just scientists
doing a study on me! There's only
one way to see if I’m Ex machina!
Turing test! Turing test!
Henry grabs a knife from the table and stabs himself, making
him bleed profusely. A beat.
Luke Freitag Sketch Comedy Packet 12.

JACOB
You're not Ex-machina Dad- you're
bleeding.
Henry looks at them in surprise and sits down on the edge of
the stage.
HENRY
You’re right. You’re right! I’m
sorry. I think everyone is Ex
Machina. I mean that movie came out
two years ago! It’s not even
relevant any more. I mean it’s a
GOOD movie but it’d be impossible
for you to be Ex Machina. You’re a
wonderful family, and I love you
all so much. I’m sorry I wasn’t
there for you growing up, but I
promise that I’ll be there from now
on.
As Henry rambles facing away from them, Janine walks up and
comforts him.
JANINE
Thank you Henry, we’re not Ex-
Machina.
Janine, Liz and Jacob all put on cowboy hats.
JANINE, LIZ, AND JACOB
We’re West Worlds.

BLACKOUT.