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10 FUN

New study finds that
teachers are actually more
scared of students

Lyba Mansoor reports on the shocking study that re-
veals who’s truly the nervous one in the classroom
For students, it has always seemed as though teachers are entirely fearless
and completely within their element while teaching. But a study published
by Ryerson University found teachers are often struck with fear while in
front of the classroom.
“The study concluded that regardless of the age group of students, teach-
ers were 100 per cent more afraid of them than vice versa,” said Ryan Bish-
op, who led the study and is in charge of Ryerson’s Didaskaleinophobia
deparment.
One key finding of the study was that teachers are more likely than stu-
dents to wear adult diapers in class.
The researchers calculated the fear levels of teachers and students
through complex scientific testing. Students were exposed to all types of
teachers—the friendly, the hard-markers and the ones with bad breath. The
students then reacted unexpectingly, stating, “I’ve spent $100,000 for three
years of university. No suburban parent with a PhD and a Neopolitan com-
plex is going to rock me.” Another simply said, “My part time jobs were
both retail. Downtown. At the GAP.”
After executing the test multiple times with multiple test subjects, the
results were unanimous. David Chen, a part of the study’s team said, “We
found teachers experienced shortness of breath, an increased heart rate and
an overwhelming sense of despair when they came in contact with stu-
dents. On the other hand, students showed no fear, but instead exhibited a
quite blasé reaction to being exposed to teachers.”
Jean Harden, a university professor and participant in the study, said the
results did not shock her. “I’ve been teaching for 15 years. Every time I get
an email I shit a brick and my office hours end with me covered in sweat.
Students drink coffee at 7 p.m. and beer at 8 a.m., I’d rather teach a room of
eucalyptus-deprived koalas.”
In response to the study, Bishop, along with many schools and university
officials, have begun working on developing a shielding system for their
teachers.
“We want to keep teachers securely wrapped in seven layers of indus-
trial bubble wrap,” said Bishop. “This way, teaching won’t at all be compro-
mised, while ensuring our professors feel a greater sense of security.”
The study recommends all teachers grab a prescription of Xanax and a
kilometre of bubble wrap to ensure the scholastic year will be a success.
This tip especially applies for those who barf right before class.

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