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By Chris and Tyler Dell’Isola
BEGIN INTRO INT. Kitchen – Morning
Jeremy enters the kitchen. He walks up to a group of flowers sitting on a windowsill.
JEREMY Good morning flowers. FLOWERS Good morning Jeremy. Jeremy looks out the window. JEREMY Good morning Mister Sun. CUT TO: The sun is in the sky. He has a face and is hold a scoop full of raisins. He waves at Jeremy. MR. SUN Good morning Jeremy. CUT TO: Jeremy is dancing around the kitchen. FADE TO: Jeremy is dancing around the kitchen with smoke everywhere. Chris who is sitting in his armchair in the living room looks over at him. CHRIS I think Jeremy got into my weed stash again. Suddenly a knock on door is heard. Chris gets up and answers it. CUT TO:
EXT. Front Door – Morning Standing in front of the door is the local mailman. CHRIS
Oh; hey Hank. How are the kids? HANK They’re alright, how’s Chip? CHRIS He’s doing fine; I don’t think he likes you though. CUT TO: Chip is chewing on the Hank’s buttocks. HANK Ya think? Hank hands Chris the mail. Chris accepts it. CHRIS Thanks a bunch. HANK No problem; and mind if I ask why Jeremy is dancing around like a moron? CHRIS Uh, he’s sick. Chris shuts the door. Chris runs through all the mail one by one. CHRIS Junk, trash, crap, (raspberry) like I’m gonna sign up for that. Chris tosses aside a letter that reads “The Eleanor Rigby Association” Jeremy picks it up and begins to read it. He opens the letter, pulls out the flyer and begins to read that. JEREMY (V.O.) Dear Reader, if you have received this letter then that means you are one step closer to success. All you have to do is sign this flyer and meet us tomorrow at nine a.m. JEREMY One step closer to success? Jeremy widely grinds.
CUT TO: In Jeremy’s imagination the meaning for success is him dressed in a gray flannel suit in his own office surrounded by beautiful women. CUT TO: Back in reality Jeremy stops grinning and signs the flyer he received. JEREMY Now all I have to do is wait till tomorrow. Jeremy stands in the same place for about seven seconds. THE NEXT DAY. Jeremy is still standing in the same place. He is extremely dirty looking and has bags under his eyes. He shacks this look off and looks at his watch. JEREMY Shit, I got to get to the meeting. Jeremy flies out the door as fast as he can. CUT TO: INT. Eleanor Rigby Association – Morning Jeremy is seen sitting in a waiting room. After about five seconds a strange man with a toupee walks up to Jeremy and shakes his hand. He goes by President Ringo Lennon Harrison IV. RINGO Ah yes, Mister Hitler? JEREMY Yes, Jeremiah Hilary Hitler. The president looks at Jeremy confusedly. RINGO Hitler…any relation? JEREMY
Yes. RINGO Alright then. Let’s show you to your new office. Ringo and Jeremy exit the scene. INT. Office – Morning RINGO This is where you’ll be working. Jeremy walks over to his desk, sits down and looks at his plaque. JEREMY Wow. I get my name on a desk. RINGO Yes, and the best part is; you get your own secretary. A young blonde woman walks into the office. Her name is Lucy Diamond. RINGO (CONT’D) This is your secretary, her name is Lucy Diamond. Jeremy has a glowing look in his eyes. Lucy approaches him slowly. LUCY You must be Mister Hitler. JEREMY Me that is yes. Jeremy quickly notices that he forgot how to form a proper sentence and starts over. JEREMY (CONT’D) Uh, I mean yes that is tities. Me! Oh shit. Lucy instead of being shocked at what Jeremy has said giggles. Jeremy sighs in relief. RINGO
Well, you to get better acquainted, I’m gonna go count my money. Ringo exits. Lucy turns to Jeremy. LUCY Alright Mr. Hitler. From this point you’ll… CUT TO: Jeremy is stapling a piece of paper with a phone number written on it to Lucy’s rear. JEREMY Call me anytime. Lucy kicks Jeremy in the head, so hard that he lands in his chair. LUCY You perv. Lucy exits the scene. Jeremy picks himself back up and sits in his chair properly. JEREMY So this is a successful life?...this rocks! I can see it now. FADE TO: Jeremy imagines himself in the shoes of Adolf Hitler. He commands several Nazis and shouts in German. FADE TO: Back in reality, Jeremy is sharpening pencils. He finishes sharpening one and begins to shove it up his nostril. Jeremy begins to put another pencil in his ear when a young office worker enters the room. He has short brown hair and wears a checkerboard tie, he goes by the name of Tom. TOM Oh umm…I’m sorry is this the right office? CUT TO: Jeremy with pencils in his nostrils and ears. JEREMY
Who are you? TOM I’m your assistant, Tom. Are you Mr. Hitler? JEREMY That’s me. TOM …Any relation? JEREMY Yes. TOM …Okay then. JEREMY What is it you do? TOM Well, I will help you with anything in any situation. JEREMY Perfect, you can get Harrison to give me a raise. TOM But you just got here. JEREMY Better now then never. TOM …fine then. Tom exits. A few seconds later Tom returns with a ripped sleeve, coffee all over him and glass is stuck in his face. JEREMY Well? TOM He said if you want a raise you’ll have to go through him. JEREMY Is that so?
Jeremy exits. CUT TO: INT. Ringo Harrison’s Office – Day Jeremy enters Harrison’s office. JEREMY I demand a raise. RINGO You haven’t even been given you pay check. Why do you want a raise? JEREMY So I can have a successful life like your ad said I would. RINGO Okay you’ll get a raise…over my dead body. JEREMY That could be arranged. Jeremy pulls out a gun and aims it at Ringo. Ringo screams and jumps out his window and falls from ten stories and lands flat on the ground. Jeremy looks down at the body. JEREMY I don’t understand, it’s only a pop gun. Jeremy runs downs to the dead body, walks over to it and steals his wallet. CUT TO: INT. Jeremy’s Office – Day Jeremy enters his office going through the money he stole. TOM Did you get your raise? JEREMY
Yup, he said over his dead body. So I scared him and he jumped out of his window. Tom looks shocked. Suddenly a strange office worker enters. OFFICE WORKER Guys, big news! JEREMY What? OFFICE WORKER Ringo kicked the bucket. TOM How’s that something to be excited about? OFFICE WORKER It’s good because we get our new President today. Ringo was prick, never gave us any raises. JEREMY Who’s gonna be President? OFFICE WORKER You Jeremy, you became Vice President when you signed those papers. Congrats. The office worker exits. JEREMY I’m President? Shit let’s get things started. CUT TO: INT. Jeremy’s New Office – Day A plaque that reads “President Hitler” is place on a desk. Sitting there is none other than Jeremy with a proud look on his face. TOM There you go Mr. President. JEREMY Thanks Tom.
TOM Anything else you require Mr. President? JEREMY Nope, in fact; take the rest of the day off. TOM Wow, thank you very much sir. Tom exits. Suddenly Chris and Tyler enter. CHRIS So you’re President now huh Jeremy? JEREMY Yup, I have all the power I need. I even get my own James Brown group like Dave Chappelle; watch this. Jeremy stands up from his desk. JEREMY (CONT’D) Hit me. The band plays a short tune (a la Dave Chappelle’s Block Party) afterwards Jeremy sits back down. JEREMY (CONT’D) Isn’t that awesome? TYLER It is pretty cool. But why are you President of all people? JEREMY Well, those papers I signed meant that I become President when the asshole croaks. He kicked the bucket and now I’m just as important as the douche. CHRIS (MORE) There is no way that you can be President. We’re gonna figure out how this is true. JEREMY Good luck with that.
Chris and Tyler exit. CUT TO: INT. Office Hallway – Day Chris and Tyler are walking down the hallway heading towards the exit. CHRIS There is no way that he can be President of this company. TYLER Why are you so pissed? CHRIS Because Jeremy shouldn’t be able to have this kinda power. TYLER I’m starting to think you’re jealous of him. CHRIS Jealous? Me? (Laughs) if you think I’m jealous of that moron, then you’ve got another thing coming. Chris and Tyler exit through the door. CUT TO: INT. Jeremy’s Office – Day Jeremy is sitting at his desk lighting a cigar with a one hundred dollar bill. Tom enters. JEREMY What are you doing here? I gave you the rest of the day off. TOM I know but there’s something important I have to tell you. JEREMY What is it? TOM Well, it appears that…you’re not President.
JEREMY What? TOM You signed the janitor papers. Alfred Benjamin Hitler is the one who signed the Vice President papers. Jeremy looks very upset upon hearing this. He stands up and looks down at his feet. JEREMY Well, I guess I better pack up. Jeremy begins packing his things into a box. TOM Are you gonna be alright sir? JEREMY I’ll be fine Tom. You go off and continue your day off. TOM Yes sir. Tome exits. Jeremy picks up his box and exits. CUT TO: INT. Office Hallway – Day Jeremy begins to walk towards the down. He exits. CUT TO: EXT. Eleanor Rigby Association – Day Jeremy begins crossing the street. JEREMY This su… Before Jeremy can finish he is hit by a car. The End.
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