Dear Ms. Audrey.

Here's my first work.. I did it pretty fast though, which I did not intend to. Please do rate me a band if possible. I would like to know which band I am in. And do please kindly correct me if I did any mistakes in the writing. Precious constructive comments and criticisms regarding my content and language are highly appreciated.

My self opinion towards this piece of essay :
I am not quite familiar with this topic as I have yet got a license myself. However, I tried to perplex up a few facts which I know. I personally think that I am putting too much emphasis on the introduction and ending. The body does not seem to be informative enough as I don't think I did elaborate very well. Words and ideas seem to be stuck half way for me.. = / Sigh.. What do you think? In what ways can I improve??
Comment [M1]: No such term

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Date : 14.07.2010

Question :
The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to make all young drivers complete a safe driving course before being given the license to drive. What do you think? You should write at

least 350 words.

Answer : According to survey. I think that young drivers should undergo a safe driving course before being given the license is because they ought to learn to be a responsible and friendly road user. This act is not only dangerous to himself but also to others as taking alcoholic and drugs while driving is always the top reason why accidents take place. the rate of automobile accidents on road is elevating vividly annualy. In my opinion. It is vital for a driver to know his responsibities on road. should be able to control their emotions during driving Comment [M13]: noun: alcohol Comment [M14]: where are your statistics to prove this? Comment [M15]: Again. avoid wasting unnecessary money on car repairing due to road accidents and young drivers ought to be competent in skills while on road. Young drivers who are ammateur need to be told and reminded by the invigilators of the driving course about the regulations on road. young drivers whom are usually emotional. Among the factors which caused the figure to keep increasing is due to young drivers. I do agree that young drivers should undergo complete driving course before they are permitted to drive on road for the following reasons: young drivers ought to learn to be a responsible and friendly road user. In addition. First and foremost. where is the proof? Statistics? Comment [M11]: the Comment [M12]: amateurs Comment [M10]: delete Comment [M9]: on the Comment [M8]: repairs Comment [M7]: a complete Comment [M6]: make it compulsory for Comment [M2]: On the roads Comment [M3]: Not the right context Comment [M4]: annually Comment [M5]: the recklessness of young drivers . For example. As a result. the authorities have decided that the best way to minimise the amount of automobile accidents on road is to compulsory all young drivers to complete a safe driving course before being given the license to drive. he must not take any drugs or alcoholic beverages when he is driving.

young drivers are able to be more competent with the skills of driving. The sum of money should not be wasted just because of impatient to finish the course earlier. The tendency of accidents is high if a driver is graduated without learning the proper skills of driving. . Last but not least. For instance. but involving human lives. In conclusion. young drivers could save their pockets by putting in more effort and time in mastering the right skills in driving.as driving on road is not just about driving. young drivers could avoid wasting unnecessary money on car repairing due to accidents. Young drivers who are not familiar with driving because of fast learning in driving institution will result in meeting countless accidents. reaches Comment [M22]: 3 figure amounts Comment [M23]: Noun: impatience Comment [M24]: Poor vocab selection: forcing? Requiring? Comment [M25]: a Comment [M26]: balancing is not a driving skill Comment [M27]: why did you use the passive form here? Replace with driver graduated Comment [M28]: being able Comment [M29]: the road Comment [M30]: demands high skills. It is significant to master the correct skills of driving such as parking. Young drivers should be patient in completing the driving course in order to make sure that they are really well-equipped before able to drive on road. and not rushing through it. After all. Secondly. The cost for repairing a car is usually costly and often hits up to 3 digit minimum. driving is an activity which highly demands for skills. through this method of keeping all young drivers to undergo complete course before given the license to drive.. wrong context here. I think that young drivers should undergo complete driving course before they are permitted to drive on Comment [M16]: the Comment [M17]: noun: repairs Comment [M18]: weak vocab choice: to face Comment [M19]: no proof: sweeping statement Comment [M20]: weak phrase: save money Comment [M21]: we hit up drugs. balancing and so on. young drivers tend to bump into accidents because they are not well prepared but given the permit to drive on road.. Often.

All in all. all or similar which you have not included some kind of factual evidence. and we could not afford to lose any due to accidents. Every youngsters in our country is our country asset. In terms of points. Band 4 mid = 35/60 . This is because it will not only lower the rate of accidents of the country. you have included too many sweeping statements that are not backed up by statistics. One should be taught to be responsible and aware of road user values when he is still young. avoid unnecessary money wastage due to car repairs and enhance those young road users· driving skills. it will also mould responsible and friendly young road users. A good attempt anyway.road. Stay away from generalisations with the terms always . Comment [M31]: the Comment [M32]: the Comment [M33]: every youngster Comment [M34]: country s Comment [M35]: P1: cannot (624 words) An interestingly written essay with some inappropriate word and phrase selections. it is vital for them to finish the course as driving on road is not just a matter of individual but involving other road users as well.

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