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Creation of a disorder

A common occurrence in Iran

Knocking at the starting points

Mohammad Sedaghatjou
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Introduction
This text has been written by an Iranian psychiatric patient for. . . By editing
the original version and changing or deleting unnecessary details, real
names and place names, and adding parts of reality and imagination and
combinations of them that are in the patient's mind that may have a few tips
for the free study of the students,in fields related to Psychology, Psychiatry,
Psychoanalysis, etc. ... or those interested in these fields! Certainly, the
impressions you make about some of the events in the text are completely
different from the patient's view, as well as a series of sentences that are
clearly indicative of the patient's perception of the subject, but the patient
poses another conception and believes in it and has insisted on it. Since the
patient himself has written it, it is possible that little facts has been written in
favor of himself upside down or somewhat obscure, and due to the oblivion
of points in the contents, the patient's mind re-relaunched the article with a
high percentage close to the fact that the whole text helps to make reality
closer and more tangible, and the content does not have a discrepancy. The
points of the patient's life have been disappeared altogether, which could not
be restored at all. It was impossible to recall the precedence and poins, which
did not affect the correctness of the text. Because of the patient's oblivion or
lack of familiarity with psychology and psychoanalysis, the key points that
may have caused the disease to be forgotten or not told. The text is plain but
may contain Persian grammar, writing and misspelling problems and has a
low vocabulary range. These days, it is said that psychiatrists and
psychologists often found a role similar to priests in the West, and patients
confess to their own sins that are annoying them, but it has been tried to
keep this text clear of that issue.

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Knocking at the starting points
From my childhood, I thought of bad things, bad thoughts, so bad! In the
childhood i enjoyed killing of animals like sparrows and. . ., I was barred from
doing this several times but I would do it again. The bigger ones told me if
you had trouble talking and saying, if you continue to do so, when you grow
up,you would get into trouble! I often had verbal conflicts with my brother,
who was 10 years older than me and the first one, and sometimes he slaped
me. I went to my mother crying and he hugged me. And he told my brother
"why do you hit him?" my brother pointed out that I was rude and said”he
should be punished”. But then it happened again, and my brother pointed to
the last time that he was hit me and said, “would you still like it?” I also began
to insult, and again he came forward and boom! My parents said “ don`t hit
him”Later, my mother's hug was not attractive to me, and sometimes I went
to a room without crying, sitting alone, and not remembering that my brother
had been beaten by my father because of hitting me, but my father
sometimes took him in the room and hit him with a belt. Sometimes my
sisters also was beaten by my brother (I was younger than all other kids in
the house, and I was four years younger than the last child and ten years
younger than my brother). When I got a little older, I was slapped by my
brother ,they laughed and said,” you were our spoiled boy , your brother and
your sister were beaten a lot, my dad said you did not taste the daddy`s belts
and he laughed.Sometimes, when I beat my sisters, it was because I had a
verbal and physical conflict with them and then they said,” we would say to
Hussein,who was my brother,to come and beat you! And it was here that
they should be beaten!

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I remember one day in a classroom teacher, saying, "Come on the board
and solve this math problem and explain it (mathematics was my biggest
weakness!" I often memorized the lessons at school, my score was good and
i was a bit weak in the lessons of composition and math. Analysis of math
problems in my brain was carried out at a slow pace, and often the way and
the idea I chose to solve the problem was instinctive (many of my actions
were on the basis of the instinct and the feeling, even now) I did not noticed
the points, concepts, and laws that had been told about this lesson in the
past, or which laws, points and concepts should be taken into account. I did
not understand correctly, my answer was sometimes right and sometimes
wrong) .... I went to the board. I did not remember what was, and which class
was, but I was solving it, I wrote a few numbers, multiplied or summed I do
not know, the teacher came on me (the teacher's name was Muhammad and
he was almost young and some days he wad bad-tempered. I remember he
spoke about separating and struggling with his wife,with one of my
classmates who was one of his relatives.) And he said, I would not say,
explain it too. When solved? And then he slapped me! i did not cry, and i
went and sat in my chair! When the school ended I came home and take my
brother's airgunl and I went behind the house I saw three swallows sitting
on a power cord (the airgun was heavy to me and I took it with my right hand,
and I pulled the trigger by the left hand of the trigger, my aim was not bad,
especially if I fixed it on one thing, but the elderly took it by the left hand and
pulled the trigger with the right hand) I fixed the airgun on one thing, I aimed
and shot, I hit the target and one of the swallows fell into the alley and its
blood was spread on the floor, a swallow ran away, and another one came
down and sat beside the swallow that had been fallen into the alley.I filled
my rifle and killed that swallow. Both fell next to each other! I was going to
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see that another swallow came down and sat on the power cord! I filled it
again and took the gun into my hand and fired, but a few of its feathers were
removed and flew away! I do not know why it did this maybe because of my
objection to the action of the teacher (protesting to God who allowed the
teacher to do this to me) and maybe it did my heart good!

I got a little bigger and I learned to pray with insist of my parents and with the
instruction of my sister, and I prayed sometimes and I did not pray for a while!
We read something about God and prayer in school books, sometimes i
would go to the prayer room to pray, but I did not do it. It seemed to be
meaningless. Maybe at that time, I thought that with one prayer, God should
give me two wings, like angels, but he did not. (Of course, I already have the
same expectation of God)

At the secondary school, and sometimes I pray at my parents' request,and


sometimes I read the Qur'an. But God was not tangible thing for me! My
thoughts were often overwhelming and busy, bad thoughts came to my mind!
Sometimes pictures were drawn in my mind from the images on the objects
and wall, though not in the way that it shows in movies that there is a distinct
image of an object, the images I saw were made from the merging of the
points of the image and were understandable and recognizable to me and
were not a separate image of that object. For example, looking at the stains
and the lines on the wooden door I saw a picture,I still see pictures like this,
although this is the simplest of them, but I show two photos that I recently
got from the bathroom ceramic, I see some vague images in this photo, but
I showed the original image, which has a clearer face, to see and understand
what I mean:

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I slept while I had scary thoughts and I very often woke up in the morning
while my pants were wet! One of the fearsome thoughts that occurred during
my dreams was that when I closed my eyes, I was telling myself that now a
very scary face is beside me and looking at me and saying to myself that I
had to open my eyes and see that face, but usually i did not dare to open my
eyes and i put the blanket on my face and I fell asleep with fear and panic. I
do not even remember the age at which I sometimes said to myself, they are
not my family and would it be possible for another family to adopt me? I saw
on the TV sometimes doing it and adopting a child who had no one! The
bigger I got bad thoughts did not leave me alone, horrible and evil thoughts
(for example, I could find a way to blow up the planes that passed above us
to crash in our neighborhood and all its passengers to be killed). I
remembered I was very shy. In a period of my age I was friends with several
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of the girls and boys in the neighborhood. The friend who i was most intimate
with was called Mohsen, from another city and with a special dialect that was
very attractive to me. I remember that at the age of 8 or 9, my father, among
his words, told me that I wish my son get bigger and I get him a pretty woman!
I admit that I looked at girls and women of all ages at such times, and I would
say to myself, maybe this is my wife? And for a long time my mind was
involved with this! It was in the secondary school that I discovered
masturbation, and sometimes I did it in the bathroom! Usually at weddings
and parties I would like to be alone! Even when I was younger,in a place like
a wedding that the kids played all together i just watching their playing, or I
was sticking to my father or mother, and I do not remember much or not at
all,in such places i go ahead and play with someone! I was shy,what if I went
and that kid would not accept me? I've never been able to go and say to
someone,do you like to be my friend?or are you going to play with me? or I
could not go in the middle of a game and say can i play with you? This one
was the hardest thing and it was impossible! And I could not do it even when
I became much older. There should be a proposal from the opposite side,
which usually did not happen! My lesson was not bad at the secondary
school, and the main weak point was the mathematics! I memorized most
things and I remembered that I had a good memory! I tried to memorized the
math and I memorized the problem that I had solved, and then in the exam I
tried to keep the problem just by displacing the problem numbers and solve
it with the same method, but it was not possible. Sometimes it worked but
sometimes it did not! It was in the secondary school, if I'm not mistaken, the
teacher sometimes stopped on the blackboard while solving the problem in
the book, erased some part of the answer, and then thought back. Finally, to
one of the classroom students who had failed the last year and always had
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the math’s notebook of last year with himself said, "bring your notebook,I
want to see how you solved it" and wrote the answer from the his notebook,
and we also wrote in our notebook!

I was always disciplined, and I do not remember not to do homework whether


in primary school or in secondary school, even if I knew it was wrong,
perhaps it was because of beating and punishment! In the secondary school,
I got a physical punishment once, but thank God it was not in the face and
they beat by stick in the palm! I do not remember to be punished physically
anymore! That time, I and three of my classmates, in contrast to the rules of
the school, were in the classroom in the recess and did not go out, at the
next class the teacher looked homeworks which we had to do (I do not
remember what the lesson was) One of the guys turned and got his notebook
out,left and then right, then he did not find it. Then he turned a part of the
notebook and said that I had written here I swear to God, but it is not now.
The teacher said, how does it not, and took the notebook and looked at it
and said, "Here one page had been cut." And said to that boy “have you
really written? The boy said “ yes I swear to God, but now I do not know who
has cut it! (Dirty liar) The teacher also told headmaster, and the headmaster
after asking a little, said, “has someone been in the class in the recess? I do
not remember how, but he realized that it was me and two others! He took
us out of class and I do not remember how many stick he beat us in our palm
and sent us back to the class! I failed the math in the secondary school, the
school principal told me if I knew that you would fail in mathematics, I would
have taken a tutor for you (maybe he said it because of my discipline), the
secondary school was ended, I entered high school, the main problem was
mathematics, and computational lessons like physics! The year of choosing

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a field at the senior high school advisor said,” your scores show that you
should go to human field but I say that this field has been saturated and that
is more suitable for girls. I offer technical field, which are now very good and
it is welcomed by many people, and like before,by saying the technical this
field all minds go to bad and lazy students, is no longer true,among technical
fields do not you like a field? I said the computer! He said it's very good to
go to the computer field! Some time later, my dad went to register me, but
when he returned, the school principal says that who offered you the
technical field especially computer, with these scores only a human field is
suitable for him! I do not know when was is that i went with my father to
register the human field that school principal after looking at the report card
said,” you are a disciplined student and your scores is not bad for humans
field, but the classes have been completed and we do not register anymore!
My father said there is no way? He said no unfortunately! We went to another
technical school and registered in a field which mathematics and lessons
such as physics were among its main lessons.

After some time studying in this field, I realized that I could not get along with
mathematics and physics. For a while my thought was busy, my lessons
were getting weakened and my father was asked to come to my school! After
I came home my father said, "Why do not you study?" Do not see our
problems? I said to myself, what's the relation between the problems with
me and my lessons? My lessons were sharply weakened and I failed math,
and I passed that course in the summer. The next year I got into depression
in mid-year. My mind was elsewhere, I was less attentive to the lesson and
I was thinking about escaping from home, then after a while I said I could not
go to school anymore! My father, when he arrived that day, said,” if you do

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not go to school no one will give a damn about you. The school counselor
came to our home and talked a bit and went away. Several days later I went
to school and technical school was finished anyway and I received a
technical diploma. I did not attend an entrance exam; the worst thing was
that with this diploma, I could only participate in this field and go to college.
at that time there was nobody that would tell me that you can adapt your
lessons with a humanitarian diploma and go to the university in the human
field! My thoughts were very busy, until now I had a life of intellectual
breakdown, intellectual decentralization, and disturbing thoughts about
religious, social and public affairs. I differed from the rest of the people! I was
a special person or too emotional, and in situations I should not be subtle
and in situations I should pay attention but i did not. I often went to a party
and wedding party and one such place, sometimes I did not go! I did not like
to go, I loved being at home. (Maybe at that time I thought if I go to that party
I have nothing to be proud of.) I think I am spoiled ! For a long time, like six
months I was superficial, happy and had a joyful spirit, at short intervals, for
a short time for example, a month,I was sensitive and subtle to the
conversations of the people around me, taciturn,antisocial and thinking
about issues that were not possible to happen to me with high percentages.
I thought beforehand. In most of the encounters with people outside the
house, I had some curiosity and fear. The curiosity about the character of
that person and to determine if I was a normal person in his mind or not, or
what does this person think at this moment?This behavior occurred even
when walking alongside a person on the street. In our own neighborhood,
while walking alongside our neighbors, in addition to the above, I thought
about how much does he care about me and my family, and how different
we are with them, whether he considers my family and father to be too
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religiously necessary, And if so, is this a stupid thing for him? Are we a
normal family for him ?! If not, why and what is the problem precisely?! I was
weak in the verbal clashes and I did not have something to talk about, I was
weak at the school in oral lessons too! I think my family was too influenced
by the verbal relationship with the people they saw, and what would people
say about our work if i or themtheslves were doing something,was repeated
too much at home. I think that my father, who has always been my supporter
and still is and who has provided my expenses and still do and works for us,
is respected. But at a young age and to my youth, he had too much attention
to the environment outside the home and he constantly strived to show
himself in the community and in the workplace, simple but acute and capable
of carrying out most of his affairs, and he could not be misused, and if doing
so, that person should be brought to court or be punished,to make it clear
that my dad is different from the rest of the people who may have misused
them before, and he was also the protector of the interests of unidentified
people and volunteered to do general work. At home, he was involved with
his cases and was studying them, and he was constantly talking about them,
and we should listen because he said that it was good for us, his speech was
too long and mostly started from a subject and entered the topics that we did
not know and should know, and then turned back to the case and the
scattered words about the case. As if he had a strange talent at catching
offenders red-handed and giving advice to his friends about legal issues and
other issues! But at home, he stayed away from the conversations that
should had with us. Sometimes, however, he invited us to talk, discuss, and
comment on topics that we liked or we had a problem with it, but had never
been welcomed neither by me that had a little age, nor by other family
members! Later on, there was no mention of this offer, and only said,” you
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would face a problem in a community later and in now you can not talk to me
as your father what can you do outside the community? Unfortunately, these
words turned out to be totally true about myself !

My mother was too religious. she paid enough attention to prayer, vow,
prayer, as if he had committed very large and unforgivable crimes in the past,
but she was very compassionate and kind. Too much expression of love by
her and my father towards me, especially in my childhood and doing different
behaviors towards me with other children at that time, led to the
discrimination and dissatisfaction of my brother, who was 10 years older than
me. Of course, dissatisfaction with my sisters might have been created, but
in my brother, it caused abnormal and hostile behavior. In addition, my
mother was very simple and cares about people so much. My mother often
asked me to pray and do religious duties because otherwise I might be a
pervert person! I did not listen to these words, and only occasionally I listened
to her. In the year after I got my diploma, I approached the mastership with
my father's suggestion and going to the entrance exam`class i was accepted
in technical field in another city. I entered the university and my father took a
single house for me. I gradually got a good feeling of being alone. I did like
to come back home. I had only one or two calls to the house for two months.
I was very happy and interested in the course. But I stiil had problem in
mathematics. After a while, I had a verbal conflict with a girl student, but I do
not know what it was about, but then we met several times at the college
randomly in places and the there was no verbal encounter (the college was
very small and newly founded) Once, as I went to the exit door on the way
to the university, that girl along with his several friends were passing and she

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told his friends while she was laughing,"did you see the dog?" Then they
began to laugh together, a stray dog was on the way in short distance with
me! I got into the university service and thought she probably meant me by
that dog! A few days later, there are several boys in the courtyard of the
university coming to me and said,”why do you bother the girl? I said no, I did
not bother anyone. And after a little pause, here you must not look for trouble
and then they added tonight come to the park at ten o`clock We want to
reconcile you to that girl! I did not go to the park that night, a few days late I
was coming out of the cinema, I saw one of the boys with a lady. He saw me
coming forward and saluted and said, "How are you ?" I said hello thank you
not bad! She said with a laugh why are you alone? I said maybe one would
prefer loneliness! He laughed again, and said goodbye and went! A few days
later I walked on hallway of university i saw one of those boys, I looked for a
moment and we looked in the eye together. He came forward and said,
"What are you looking at?" I said nothing. “So, go away” he said! It was near
the final exams, and the month of Ramadzon! From the house, they called
and siad,”come home in the holidays! I packed up some stuff and started
walking, I didn 't look so normal, for example, I saw on the street a gentleman
who weared a chic suit, but there was a dirty and old mop in his hand,
waiting for the car on the side of the street, and it seemed to me that what
was in his hand is not really true and it just came to my mind! I got home and
illusion started I saw a picture of my parents, as if in the picture my father
was close to burst into laugh at my mother, and about my mother as if she
had been forced to sit beside my father she was close to burst into tears. I
said it to my sister, she laughed and said,”you are out of your mind” at
bedtime a chalk doll had been put in front of the TV! The doll was smiling at
me! I do not remember much more and I do not know how many days later I
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was in bed and all the family members were sitting around! And for weeks,
apparently according to family members I hallucinated,I had illusion I did not
know anyone and ...! I remember just moments when I was completely drunk.
I felt I was going to die. i laughed and then I was thinking quietly, what was
going to happen to me? Am I going to die?or, severe headaches, sometimes
I felt something burning in my head and it smelled out of my nose, and
sometimes I felt someone I felt like someone was coming for me but I did not
see him! I almost saw death, but I felt the presence of force that helped me
and I did not die. Was it Just a feeling? or someone had come to rescue me!
An angel on behalf of God? does God exist?? did I really going to die? maybe
it was a feeling?! The fear was created in me, I found a special energy and I
had believed in God, but I became normal again, I think a few months passed
until I got better. I was praying for a while, but nothing was tangible to me,
and again I said to myself that there is no God and I told myself that even if
there is any, I want to disobey his orders, because he Miserable me (I
believed that God does not want us to pray and do such things).

My dad said,” what did you eat that made you like this?” I had not eaten
anything special, after a while, I just remembered that the night that I was
scheduled to come back home,the landlord had brought me a Nourishment.
It was the month of Ramadan! The landlord was a single old woman who
lived in the same apartment as I was! Often when it came to me,she often
came to my door and said,”i was going to somewhere a mosque or a
pilgrimage, and if someone came to me,tell them that she not at home,
sometimes she came with a prayer Chadoor to my door, asking for
something, or order something and went! I got a severe depression and I

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was taken to a psychiatrist! He prescribed a series of drugs (what I can now
read from his prescription is perfusion and jumping and one thing that I can
not read!)! After taking medications, I got worse, and sometimes my chin was
locked. Sometimes my hand swings and something like that! They cut
medications, then I did not remember what happened! My dad complained
that some people poisoned my son! He said,” you were getting psychedelic
pills, hashish or things like that. i said, "How did you find out?” ha said,” He
said we took you to the forensic medicine and they recognized it there! (I do
not remember going to the forensic medicine but there are still forensic
medicine letters) After all, I did not get any results following the complaints,
it turned out that it was the work of university`s boys with the complicity of
the landlord, but the judge did not issue a ruling and the case was
suspended, an officer was imprisoned for lack of work and possibly receiving
a bribe from the defendants, and these were my father's statements! At the
end, I do not know whether he was lawyer or someone else who said to my
father, "Do not follow this case, and thank God that your son is alive!" (But
after eating those drugs, my feeling was changed, and my misery just started
as if my brain was damaged and I was not an ex person anymore.) My father
also did not follow the case, and after a while I insisted on getting back to
college, my dad made every endeavor to get my transfer-license and I went
to a university in a different city! A few weeks after starting the semester he
bought a house for me, and my studies started again! My dad went to the
previous university to get some papers from my case that had been there
that he had an severe accident,Ah I hope he do not die for the sake of me .
Fortunately, after a long time, he got better, but he was severely damaged,
his teeth were completely broken, There was a lot of glasses in his face, and
one of his eyelid had been torn and ... .At the university, I read about
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theology, God's attributes, etc but I it was not understandable to me. For past
bad things i would say, God does not exist, at least if he does,He does not
pay attention to me and somethings about God did not go into my minds!
And the amount of information about God and His attributes, His words in
the Qur'an was so much that I could not analyze them with my brain and
come to conclusion! I think Islam is a religion that you just have to accept
and it is too complicated! There were still bad thoughts in my mind: the desire
for aggression and sometimes murder. And intense intellectual conflicts over
my ethical issues, questions about the way others behaved together, the
reason that my behavior,words and my perceptions of the conversations of
others were often superficial and I did not usually know what was going on
at the moment. Where did these thoughts come from? From within me? or
from somewhere else, was I slow-minded? Sometimes in my loneliness i a
creature was going to communicate with me, or I felt the presence of forces
in my room! Was it really something or was I sick? I listened to music to get
rid of disturbing thoughts, I kept thinking about the songs or lyrics and
disturbing and evil thoughts, or the events of the day and past issues, or
thoughts about the future were shifting! I would often go to the classroom
without enough concentration and with distraction! The power of disturbing
thoughts had really been increased so much! I pushed my brain further, so
I could study, I should get rid of disturbing and evil thoughts. But It was
impossible for me to succeed. There was a jump in thoughts in reading
lessons, disorientation in thoughts, and the inability to concentrate while
studying and speaking .Also, my sleep was low, and in the morning I had a
nausea, and I had no appetite, and I was so nervous and I was getting angry
soon!

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I also had some thoughts like murder, rape, violence and madness! I came
to a psychiatrist and psychologist, Dr. Parviz! I do not remember what did he
ask and what happened in the first few minutes, but then he said, "do you
want me to tell you what is your problem?" I said yes, my father was also with
me! He came inside me and said, " God damn someone who did this to you
and gave you psychic materials, then he said, "Look ... and he laid his hand
on my head, and then I laid his hand on my neck, and then laid it on my
throat and said after a pause," the boy who do not go party do not have fun
would be like this,you have a chip on your shoulder ! Walk around, dance,
have a girlfriend, have sex with each other, if you're not that kind of person,
get married! I was surprised that my problems were solved this way? I said
to myself, it's nothing to do my problem is something else! He prescribed a
series of medicine! Those medicines had high power, I neither could study
nor think about anything, as if the pills allowed for just a certain amount of
activity to the brain, and more than that, causing the brain to weaken, and a
it caused a kind of weariness and weakness in me that I just liked to close
my eyes and do not think of anything to be calm and my brain to get ready
to work again! (The drugs that I can now read from my doctor's prescription
are Roperidone and Citalopram and Clonazepam) I was mostly confused
and sleepy! I could hardly go to college and in the classroom they thought I
was addicted to narcotics. Going to class with this situation did not make any
difference, I did not remember this distance, but we went to Dr. Parviz office
for the second time! I got some tests? I filled out several forms and a
computer test that I do not remember, and another test was psychology of
colors, which I had to to choose from a number of colors from the computer
based on my interest ! I do not know exactly if the result of all the tests were
together, or just the test of the psychology of colors, which gave us in two
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sheets! This is how it was written exactly (those sheets are now in my hand),
of course, as it was written twice and in two different days the test was carried
out, one is 5/2 / ... 13 and another one is 12/2 / .. 13 But I do not remember
the second test. . I was about 20 years old at that time. (Dr. Parviz had said,
"We gave a lot of money to get this computer software for us in Persian.")
The result of the first test:

It requires others to understand his value. He is ambitious and he wants to


impress others and look at him as a favorite and admirable person. He tries
to approach someone as close as possible ,he is sensitive. And he needs a
beautiful environment or spouse who is as sensitive as him and has a power
of understanding so that both of them can enjoy a close intimacy.

The situation is in such a way that it is temporarily inevitably compromised,


if he wants to prevent the abandonment of love or full participation.

In the face of obstacles, he gets anxious and does not have mental readiness
of any form of activity or other expectations. He needs peace and calm and
avoidance of anything that may lead to more anxiety. He feels that he is not
appreciated and finds the status quo threatening . He wants others to
recognize and respect his existence in order to compensate for the lack of
intellectual similarity with those who had been willing to be friends with them
and getting a further security.

The morale of the self-control of material and temporal pleasures makes it


difficult for him to surrender to material demands, but the isolation from this
morale leads to the necessity of surrendering and becoming absorbed in
another person. Consequently he is distressed because he considers
submission to the material and temporal demands as a kind of weakness

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that must be overcome. He feels that he is only capable of solving problems
by not to be surrendered against them, who is able to struggle with problems.
He would likes others to honor him as a favorable friend and praised him for
his personal attributes.

He calls for independence in pursuit of his firm beliefs and ideological


principles, in order to enjoy the right to be respected as a person. He would
likes to use every opportunity that comes with, without giving himself up to
limitations and constraints.

Due to the collapse of the passion of life in the person, there is a morale of
not bearing more provocation or reduction of personal expectations. The
feeling of inability which there is in him, along with the disappointment that
he is not able to control the events, puts him in extreme anxiety.To escape
from this situation, he tries to insist on his beliefs, but his general condition
is in such a way that it fails that effort. Therefore, he is very sensitive to the
criticism that, and he quickly takes on an aggressive stance.

He strongly opposes against external influence and any interference that


occures in the freedom of decision-making and his plans.he tries to
consolidate and strengthen his position.

The doctor has written below it with bad handwriting: Picometric test of
mental state of the subconscious

Chronic depression with picometric transient attacks (also there is a word


that I do not know what it is:...?: I can not read!)

18
....... (I think it's a badwriting.) Written by: There are no Schizophrenia
attacks.

At that time, I do not remember what I thought about myself, but now I think
sometimes I liked to be worshiped like God, but there was not such a thing
in my mind at that time.and in some cases, it seems to me that it has nothing
to do with illness, and it can be a matter of morality and a sense of a normal
person,that of course his morality is not so good! it can be said that I admit
the rest of cases which of course, it seems more depression in addition to
insanity! I do not remember what happened some days later!

The result of second test,seven days later:

He likes to have a good effect on others and be considered as a special


person. Therefore, he is always careful to see if he has succeeded in doing
so or not and how others react to him.the present state creates a feeling that
he dominate to existing conditions.He used clever methods to gain influence
and to receive special attention from others.he shows sensitivity to beauty or
authentic things.

He does well in cooperation with others, but he is not willing to take the role
of leadership.he requires a private life based on mutual understanding and
without disagreement.

He is strong-willed and consistent.a sense of relaxation is only created when


he establishes a close relationship with a person, group, or organization that
can rely on it.

He insists on objectivity of his goals and stubbornly adhering to them,


although although circumstances compel him to compromise. He is very
strict in terms of choosing his wife.
19
He feels that he has been trapped in an alarming or uncomfortable situation
and therefore tries to find a way to save himself. He has the ability to enjoy
sexual activity.

The status quo is in contradiction to the person's desire.he needs for


friendship with those whose criteria are as excellent as he and are in the
same position in terms of dignity. Since he controls instincts enjoyment of
life, therefore, his ability is limited in that regard, but the state of isolation that
is generated from that leads to the need to surrender and to be absorbed in
another person. This situation makes him uneasy because he considers the
aforementioned instincts as a weak point that should overcome them.He
therefore feels that he can only maintain its individual superiority through the
continuation of the self-control that "refraining from lust and sensual desires".

He likes others to love and praise him only for his sake. He needs others to
pay attention to him, find out his value and respect him. He likes to overcome
a feeling of absurdity and separation from others. He believes that life still
has a lot to offer him, and that if he does not make the best use of any
opportunity, he may lose his share from experience. He then pursues his
goals heavily and committing himself deeply and with readiness to life. He
feels that he enjoys the full competence in each of his activities, so that
sometimes others see him as a nosy person.

He strongly influenced by unique and original traits and gentlemen. he tries


to imitate them and display the originality of his personality.

He fears that he may be barred from reaching his wishes. This spirit drives
him to use his own strong attraction in his relationship with others, hoping to
achieve his goals more easily.

20
I do not remember that I was such a complicated person? But it seemed that
I was simpler! It seems that this test tells somethings to test the patient and
if the patient does not accept the case, the doctor will understand what the
patient's point is about, making it so easy for the doctor, and if the doctor
questions directly, the patient may does not answer correctly, but this
software says materials that the patient has to confirm or deny it.

At the doctor's order, I took a vacation by sending a letter to the university


and a specialized nerve certificate certifying that I am not able to continue
my academic duties. I do not remember at all the time I came back to home
and use medicine. Maybe I went to the doctor several times for examination
or change of medicine. And I do not remember how the next semester
started, and how many semesters i went or I took vacation,i just remember
a series of events that I can not remember, but I remember I went to
university and use medicine. medicines were light and I did not feel the
sense of confusion caused by taking medication. When I look at my
academic background from the beginning and I just finished a full semester
and I failed in the next semester.... a semester that one of my friends came
and we worked mathematics together was excellent. I did not get a good
mark, but I just realized that my problem in mathematics was rooted, even
some parts of it,was related to the secondary school and a teacher who
himself had too much problem in math! But again, from the next semester,
black and frustrating thoughts came back, but they were not very intense and
I mostly listened to music to did not allow my thoughts take focus away from
me. I gradually found a lot of interest in music and computer, and I almost
quit studying at home. I was busy with computer and music, and I found a lot

21
of interest in fantasy images that were on the Internet, images that depicted
fantastic lands and creatures and sometimes humanlike, as well as images:

22
23
But what kind of music were they? In general, Persian and English, and
styles like rock metal and trance, and especially I was interested in a
particular kind of trance style, which I later knew was called Psychedelic
Trance, I felt that this trance style led me to a special dimension of my
thoughts that I could not go in a normal state.! Sometimes I also thought that
medications also helped to make this feeling, Of course, I just felt this with
some kind of song! What were the other songs? A music video from a female
singer in English,I do not know which style it was, although I only found a
few words of the song but I felt good about watching it, The image of the
singer was very beautifully transforming and transformed into a bunch of
crows and then a black dog with a special dance that rsinger performed the
in a dark environment.! (I still feel weird watching this music video, a few
years later I heard that the religion of that singer was Kabbalah, song and
singer Madonna - Frozen) a rock metal music video performed by a group of
boys in English, The sound of singer was mournful, and on a motor track
along with the fast moving of cars by the singer, which I think was in the
middle of the track, and the cars crossed on both sides and the track was full
of water to the ankle ! I only understood the meaning of a number of words,
I did not know the general concept but I enjoyed watching it too! (The name
of the song and the band Rasmus - the first day of my life) I do not know why
the whole meaning of the song did not matter to me and I just watched the
images! Parts of the song, the singer was kicking his feet to the ground by
emphasizing on some words and droplets of water were thrown into the air
while the cars were constantly crossing the track and droplets of water were
thrown on the camera and the group of musicians were in the middle of the
track at the tip of the oval of track,blows were drum and bass along with
splashing of water into the air and the surrounding! And a Persian audio
24
album that was performed by a group that read some of Hafiz's poems and
another album, which was also Persian, which was Molavi's poems. if I'm not
mistaken, one of my favorite songs on this album was:………! and the singer,
was whispering, not singing with a special and interesting sound! I do not
think these songs were normal, especially this song and those songs in
English! I was creating illusion and I liked this illusion, I thought there were a
special message in these songs or in some Persian songs the singer was
talking to me exactly! And now I myself followed my thoughts and the forces
which I thought they should have me message for me. Often, I tried to
communicate with them like this, I imagined a question in my mind that I did
not know its answer, and then I was waiting for a reply from them. Nothing
came into my mind, I sometimes stayed awake until the morning, I wanted
to sleep, but my mind was busy, and I did not feel the passing of time, the
illusions became intense, and I, who had almost a fantastic imagination, I
gradually felt the presence of forces in the room and sleeplessness and the
desire to have contact with these forces made me feel bad,I do not remember
I myself or my dad came and took me to the Dr Parviz! He also prescribed
severe drugs and again I got a academic vacation, and this time, if I'm not
mistaken and it was about this semester, it has been written under the
certificate: Detection of Major Depression and in English: Chronic Recument
Major Depression Then write down below: Disorder diagnosis: DSM lll: Code
............... And I do not remember it was in this time, or the next time, I
hearded a mellow song in the office that the sound waves were constantly
falling down and rising and in terms of length of time it was getting low and
high and It was gently interrupted and again gently started gently.this a few
seconds from the song were so beautiful! I had heard this song before? Yes,
I had this song, I had several songs of this kind, so gentle and calm. (it was
25
the song of Yanni's compilation), I do not remember when was in the house
listening to these kind of songs for a while, my father said,” would it calm you
down? I said yes, he said,” my son, what are these craps? Read Qur'an,pray
so that you can calm down, for some reason, I did not like the voice of the
Azan and the Qur'an, and ... I would say that what was the reason. At a
period in my life, I was in a house near the mosque and Azan and the Quran
was broadcast from there to the jouse with wiring! I mean, there was a TV
and a sound amplifier with a microphone,and the sound of Azan and Quran
was broadcast from the TV and connected to the mosque's microphone
through the microphone and device and wiring.

The problem was that I was sleeping in that room, and in the morning I was
awakening by the high sound of Azan, the sound was screeching at the
beginning , and I was awakening with anger, I do not know how old I was,
but I did not pray, or if I did, I never pray the morning prayer I never read! I
protested several times that the sound was so high but it did not work! After
a while, when this sound was playing in the morning, I usually did not wake
up completely, but I was angry with the high sound. Little by little, sometimes
and then, I would not even wake up at all! But it turned out that from that
point onwards, the sound of the Azan and the Qur'an, whether day or night,
high or low, it usually made me angry! (I am still sensitive to the sound of the
Azan and the Koran)

The vacation was over and I went back to university and for a while I was
feeling good that again I felt there were strong forces around me. Soul or
Genie or Supreme Power ?! They passed through my body and their rally
was the brain. I soon went to Dr. Parviz and said him,” my feeling is getting
26
out of control, he changed the medicines and told me to come again a few
days later, I went back a few days later and I do not remember he made any
change in medicines or not! That semester was over. And there were some
other units that I took in the summer semester! My dad came and said, let's
go home,do not stay here in the summer, I said,”no I've taken the unit now,
and I really did not like to go back home, I never liked going home even on
vacation or holidays! Maybe I liked that city. Maybe I just wanted to live alone.
I do not know what it was. Maybe it was about the past, maybe the future!

The summer semester began, and the heat and the sitting long hours oon
the classroom g due to the compression of the semester, especially for a
difficult three-unit class of, totally disappointed me, I do not know what my
reasons were,whaterer they were it is not persuasive for me now that a few
days later I thought about suicide. I used to think about it before. I had done
this once or twice in the past. Once we had gone to Dr. Pervez's office he
said, "what is wrong with you?” do you want us to do something!?" Then he
laughed and take out a big ampule from the drawer and said, "air ampule ?!"
Then he laughed with my dad! On one of the vacations I took an ampoule
from the refrigerator and went behind the house and wanted to inject it into
my hand’s vein, but I did not know the intravenous injection, and the air did
not go into the veins, and whatever I did it went under the skin! Unfortunately,
my depression was not such as to say, I am unhappy a depressed because
of these problems. When I was depressed, there was no reason I could tell
anyone and he could accept it as a problem. My depression was a special
kind that I can not describe it.

27
In the summer semester, one day which I came home, I got about thirty pills
of clonazepam, and then I slept, and I do not remember when I woke up. My
hand had been cut and I do not remember I called home or they called from
home. And then I remembered I was under the shower in the bathroom, and
then I slipped into the wall a couple of times and and I think I fell into the
bathroom! when i opened my eyes, I saw my dad sitting there and I slept in
the room and my dad said,” eat! Compote is good for you, eat! I had got a
splitting headache and I was confused,stunned,he said,” What did you do
with yourself boy? Were you going to cut your hand’s vein? I struggled so
much so that I could say No to him! He said that the bathroom was not
washable,it was full of dirt, I cleaned it.

I remembered scattered events and moods from the previous semester, I


sometimes felt like someone was following or pursuing me, sometimes I
thought people talked about me when I'm going to go from the alley or place!
The glances seemed to be unusual in some places like into a taxi or bus, for
example, I sometimes felt that somebody stared at me, when I looked at him,
to make sure that he looked at me, he looked at me a little and then looked
at my eyes and then looked at other side and laughed with his eyes and then
he winked and became normal, these movements created the impression
that he first looked at because there was something unusual in me and then
he looked at my eyes to let me know that I am unusual, and at the end, there
was a smile with the eye showing that he understood the cause of being
unusual! what I mean by “the smile with the eye” is that the eyes are almost
like laughing of the face and lips, but the face and the lips are normal,to avoid
this i did not go out for a few days, or I go out just a few minutes for the
necessary purchase in the evening.Once I was sitting on the balcony on the

28
sunshine, and I did not remember what I was doing, that he said angrily,”
why do you wear a black shirt? Is your father dead? I do not remember the
other conversations, I just remember that I was beaten by my dad and and
he pull my shirt until it was torn maybe I stand up later and had a little fighting
together or no that was about something else, but I remember once when he
was beating me I was beating him too!

In that summer semester, after he came and I had committed suicide, he


said,” let’s go home, I did not accept i said I want to go back to the university
he said,”with this situation?. I said,”I want to relax right here! he said,” I will
not leave you alone anymore and .... I think that one or two days passed I
had no appetite for food, only water and a little fruit I could eat, I was weak,
to stand up I would take help from the door and the wall, then again, our
argument was increased and I kicked him out of the house., he went but
came back again through another door, I kicked him out again, he went and
came back a few minutes later. whenI heard it, it sounded like it was a sound
that had a frequency or a wave from the center of my brain and my nerves
that I could not bear it. My sensitivity to the sound was really unbearable. (a
terrible wave sound released from my brain had already been happened,
and several times the sensitivity to the tone of the voice of all family members
and even their image had been created for me, something like scratching the
of the nail on the surface of the glass, which creates a screaming-like sound,
but my sensitivity to the sound and tone of the voice of o family members
was sometimes worse than that screaming-like sound.as if the sound came
to brain through the ear, but it was higher than the range of the wave and
frequency which my brain could receive and causing vibration and a wave of
intracranial that was unbearable (maybe this sensitivity had been arisen at a

29
point in my life, and after that, in normal mode, there were with much less
degrees that I often avoided speaking with family members and usually tried
to get away in an aggressive manner or with multi-word answers. I did not
understand what he meant anymore, and it just looked like an object that had
a vibration and wave, and it had to be distanced from me! I took a empty jar
of jams from the refrigerator and attacked him but ahe escaped and i threw
the empty glass towards the door and hit to the door’s glasses, and both of
the glasses were broken and crushed, I do not know how many minutes had
passed that he came back again and said somethings that I closed the door
and I punched to the door’s glasses! My hand was cut and filled with blood,
I locked up the door and I went and lay down. This time he called me from
down the stairs, and said, "I'm going to bring you the band-aid. Without telling
something, he threw the band-aids into the room through the broken glasses
and went.A few minutes later I got the band-aids and stuck them all over of
my body and lay down. the bleeding was stopped after a few minutes.

I do not know how how long it was I calmed down a little, my eyes were
closed! I heard some people were talking to my dad and coming to upstair!
son of the landlord opened the door and then he along with with two other
people and my dad came to the home I wanted to sit down but they said,”
sleep,sleep! After a little speaking, I closed my eyes and I suddenly felt I was
lifted up the ground. I opened my eyes and saw three or four people were
taking me out of the door and taking me down the stairs and talking to each
other. Suddenly the son of the landlord, who was called Saeed, shouted in
my ears and said, "…….brain !!!" they put me on the floor of yard, the sky
was full of stars. I do not remember how long it was that the yard’s door was

30
opened. A car (Pride) came into the yard and the driver got off, looked at me
and talked with my father, and then he said, no sir, got up and went, another
car (Paykan) came into the yard and they talked a little and then they lifted
me up and Saeed said this time: O Ali(I said in my heart,” may God punish
you for what you have done to me “and thankfully a few years later he called
my dad and he could hardly speak and said that he had falled from the top
and his brain had been hurt and he had almost been crippled, then he called
several times to my dad and said,”tell your son to forgive me (they pulled the
back door’s glass down and dropped me into the car)! My dad came and sat
down in front seat, and the car moved. I closed my eyes. Then I opened my
eyes and saw that we were moving on a highway! I said,” take me to the
hospital”, my dad said,” we are taking you to the hospital do not worry”, I
closed my eyes and this time when opened them I saw that we were out of
the city and I said,”where are we going?do not take me home, take me to the
hospital”, my dad said,” I'm taking you to my city’s hospital to be near which
I could come and visit you, I said,” you're lying. You take me to a hospital in
this city, he said,”, shut up, do not talk again! I looked around, and then my
eyes were closed. I woke up for the sake of their talking and my dad’s
laughter along with the driver. I said, do not take me home! take me to the
hospital! He said, we're goingI I said, you're lying, I got up and sat and I saw
my legs were tied together, I said, where are we going? I did not know the
road anymore, he said, "shut up!" he took my hands and wrapped something
around my arms, I said, "You cut my hand, he pulled my hand toward himself,
and I pulled my I pulled my hand toward myself, but I did not work. I said,”
get off my hand you damn thing, he slapped me and said,”sit down you damn
thing.I pulled my hand by screaming.I came behind the driver I was going to
put my hands around his neck and force him to come back, but the driver
31
soon realized, and he put on the brake firmly and jumped out of the car, my
father did not know what to do! He then got out of the car, went and took
something from the trunk and sat in front of the car, I pulled myself behind
and hung in the seat, sahe said,”my son it’s is nothing but a prayer, and I
showed a small leather briefcase, and then he hit it to me and rubbed it on
my body and then putting it on my neck. He said,”this is your prayer and
called, driver come it was finished, the driver came and sat with fear and we
moved again,we entered to a city, I did not know where it was, we once again
entered to another city, it was not familiar to me at all. I did not know where
we were. I said," take me to the hospital” he said,”it is late for tonight Let's
go home to see your mother and sisters and then tomorrow I would take you
to the hospital. I was watching the unfamiliar landscapes until we arrived at
our alley I just found that we are in our city. And then we entered the
courtyard and i do not remember anything else! I only remember the scenes
I wanted to escape and my dad and the rest did not let me to escape, I
remember a day I was in the room and my hands closed!, "untie my hands,"
my father looked after a little pause, saying,"if you try to be a normal person
we will untie you, and I do not remember anything else!" I Just havea few
short scenes of eating while my feet were ties in my mind!

I do not know how many days or weeks it was but I was about 22 years old,
I was sitting in the courtyard and was beating the courtyard’s flower with a
piece of wood! I was very disappointed and depressed! There was a sound
in my ear that to come home,it was my sister! there, in fact, was my
grandmother's house, and the courtyard of the house was full of trees, I went
behind the house there was a large tree which in front of it there was a
grapevine, and there was also a ladder underneath, I went up the tree and

32
reached the top! Am I going to commit suicide ??! I was hesitant for a
moment and I do not remember whether I gave a positive answer to this
question or not, then I remember after a fraction of time that I was hanging
between Earth and air then ................!

Why did not we pay attention to Dr. Parviz's advice! Why did not I marry or
did not get a girlfriend? I do not know why, but I found a strange interest in
the girls in the city where I was a student.maybe only the girls who originally
resided in that city (it had been written in a test that he shows sensitivity
against authentic things) and those who seemed to be very gentlewomen!
During my vacation and when I was a student, I talked with several girls over
the Internet, and often it was common chat about me and to the other side.
Most of them were often interrupted. A number of times i had a phone call. I
did not like to call.because I think I was always weak in conversation, and
sometimes I thought she understood I'm not a normal person! but, I like to
talk and write content and communicate with the opposite sex. But my goal
was not to marry, just curiosity about the opposite sex, when I was on
vacation, I contacted several girls through the Internet, I had a phone call
with one of them and then it was completely hanged up. One talked about
sexual issues, and then about we could have a sex remotely and just by
writing, we did that several times and then she totally broke up with me.
Then, I got acquainted with foreign websites which had sexy photos. And
sometimes, after seeing these sites I was masturbating at bedtime. Then I
met another girl in the city where I was a student and we had a phone call
and was scheduled to see her after the vacation,she was called Pany!
Another girl from the same city, along with her friend from college, were

33
coming for a webchat, one whose name was Zohreh, seemed to be very
intelligent, often talking to them for fun and joking, and we talked less
seriously, After a while I was interested in Zohreh and I asked her for photo
but she did not accept and I sent them my photo. From then on, sometimes
together or alone they came to the web-chat environment, I told Zohreh, "I
have a depression!" she did not believe it, and said that you always make us
laugh and giving us positive energy. How do you feel depressed? She asked
me for the exact name and address of the doctor. After some argument
about, what do you want to do, and the doctor would not tell you something
about me ... I gave her the exact address and phone number of Dr. Parviz.
Then I asked her for a photo after a couple of times she accepted the request
and sent her photo. She was very beautiful. After a few days I told her friend,”
see, Zohreh finally gave me her photo! After a few days, she came and said,
"Did you tell my friend I gave you a photo?" I said,”did she tell you?”,she
said,” no, I wanted to tell her that I gave you photo, but there was a flash in
her eyes which I felt she knew and then she confessed! Then Asked me,” do
you pray? I said no!said,” Do you look at pornographic sites? I said, yes, you
do not pray and also you looking at pornographic site, Do you say immoral
words with other girls on the internet? I said sometimes! Said good what you
think about yourself? I said,”sometimes.ahe said,”so what do you think about
yourself?I said,”nothing, I am honest person,she said,” I know, but keep
praying, and do not continue that bad things anymore! I was praying After
Zohreh kept insisting me! Then he said among his words,” look I know that
you are a sincere boy, that is, you are a good boy, but it is not enough, read
a book,enhance your knowledge in different areas, think tall, think more
about what you do and so on. Then one day she came and said, "delete my
photo from your computer?I said," "Why?" she said,” you saw me,now delete
34
it! I deleted her photo and said, "Well, is not there anymore?" And said, if I
come and searching your computer, I would not find my photo? I said no!
Then she spoke a little and went, and of course said, "do not go on the
internet so much!"at that time I wanted to marry her so much, but I thought it
was too early for me, and I was involved with myself, for example,it
diappointed me the idea of being in a situation of common life after marriage
and she think that, I'm not the one who she thought. On the other hand, when
my brother got married, I had totally felt the class,cultural and religious and
so on differences between the two families.I was in high school at that time!
The Zohreh was apparently from a family like ours crowded with simple life!
But somewhere in the city that she lived was the area where wealthy people
resided there, or perhaps they were not wealthy, but it was a prosperous
area!

The vacation was over. I went to university after several times of webchat
with Zohreh he said, "A few days later, it’s my birthday I want to come home
from university and celebrate, there are a lot of my friends. Of course, they're
all girls and you're invited too!" Then I said I want to meet you! I said what?
Do not you know? Maybe! Then she said,”I want you to meet someone.I
said,”who is that? Is that your fiance? She said,”maybe! I said,” I can not
come! she said,” You should be proud that I invited you too! I said, "I'm proud,
but imagining that I'm in your house with your family and several girls and
standing next to you, it kind of scares me!" (I could not even imagine how
much shy I could have been in such a place. Perhaps I deemed it impossible
even to say hello to people thereI could not even have done just greetings
with people there, I thought I would not have any clothes at all that which I

35
could take part in such a party at that area of the city and so on ...) she said,”
I just want you to meet with one of my girlfriends to be friend with her! I said
to meet with your friend? Why? She didn’t say anything! I said,” you want to
tell your friends who am I? moreover we had no phone call at all, and did not
see each other at all, and you want to tell them that I am a internet friend?
He said," I won’t say that, and I will introduce you to them with respect! " I
said,” I just want you and not your friend! I was very proud! Zohreh got upset
and I do not remember how many times later we talked again and I told
her,”give me your own phone number, she said,” I do not want the number
of a stranger in my cell phone, my feeling about her was changed!
Sometimes we talked to each other and I did not express interest to her
anymore, she sometimes wrote romantic poetry to me and then she said,” I
sent it wrongly, I didn’t mean it, and then, after a while, Zohreh did not come
anymore! Sometimes, when I was in contact with Zohreh, I was also talking
to Pany,she was a student in the same city! after breaking up with zohreh I
had a phone call with Pany! She looked so attractive to me! I asked her for
photo a couple of times, but she said, "I'm so beautiful,be sure." Then I had
a date with her in a public and crowded place, I went to that location ,a girl
came forward sand said Mr...? I said yes, sha said,”I’m Pany. I was a little
shocked, I said, is that really you? She said yes and said you do not believe
it,do you? And before I answer, she said, "that’s because you made an
imaginary image of me in your mind,now you see I am not like that image
(she was right)" Then she said, "go and don’t stay here anymore, I said,”
have you bought here, I'd like to stay, she got into a phone booth and was
dialing! She looked shorter than what she had said, her face was not
something that satisfied me, she could not hold a candle to Zohreh! I stayed
there a little and then returned home!
36
After a few days I called her! She said,”who are you? I said I am….,she said,”
I do not know you! After a brief pause, she said, "Your attitude was not good
at all. It was as if you were a creditor. I said," What about you? were you so
well? " ! After some time that our communication was interrupted, we chatted
once, saying, "I and a group of college friends want to go together outsideof
the city for having fun. Come with us," I said, "are your friends, why should
you come?I said,"they are your friends why shoud I come? she said, "Well,
all of us are students,you would be familiar with them, I did not accept! I
thought it might be a beginning to connect with someone who does not have
any attractiveness for me,in terms of: face, height, figure, morality and
behavior, sexual attractiveness, intelligence, etc. ... I may find a dependency
on her or at least she find a dependency on me! We talked a few times on
the internet, her lesson had been finished and she went to work, and then
she did not come to the internet and the connection was cut off!

After that, there were more Internet conversations for spending time,
curiosity about the opposite sex, and immoral speeches and what kind of
person “the opposite sex”, who was often a girl,morrally might be was really
important to me, and I was going to know about topics that she was more
involved in,and was more important for her,and sometimes the conversation
was drawn by me or the other side about sexual issues, curiosity about how
much is she interest in sex and then virtual sexual intercourse was often
began. Seeing foreign sites which had immoral photos was also a part of my
daily activity. It was always important for me to know how much are girls
interested in sex. Because I had read in a series of books,that girls’ interest
about sex is not like boys, and they have a different sense about sex, and as

37
in movies,which are shown in the Hollywood Movies, that the girls are one
who suggest for the sex, is a lie.

I remember in the office of Dr. Parviz in the form I had to fill out, I answered
“yes” to the question that was:"Would you masturbate?",Dr. Parviz once said
to me,”instead of masturbating get married,and when you look for baby
diapers and do not find it, then you would be good person, then he and my
dad laughed and told my dad, "do you know Mr... how much the baby diaper
is now?" You should not get married in this economic situation at all! Before
I went to a doctor I had read in a psychology book that, according to statistics
a high percentage of both sexs masturbating (of course, that statistic was
not about the country of Iran), I said to myself, so with this situation, the
masturbation was not exclusive to me!!

Sometimes I was suggested by my father to get married or have a temporary


marriage. Marriage, which often created this mentality that I don’t have the
necessary skills to communicate verbally and understand enough to deal
with my future wife,her family and generally with anybody at all, I'm not a
normal person, I have a poor public relations, I do not like and I embarrass
to ask my father to pay my common life expenditures ,a common life,which
probably due to lack of goals and beliefs on my behalf, was like moral or
religious values, and lack of interest and inability in recognition of the positive
points, independent to my wife's sex issues and and not being able to
appreciate her and was merely formed to satisfy sexual desires. I was also
very proud and I thought that if I get married to someone, I would probably
find a better cases later then I will regret about my marriage and I would repel
my wife and I may cheat on her or I would understand, after marriage and in
38
common life, that this is not a wife that her understanding and intelligence be
on my level, and if her intelligence was too low, it would disappoint me, and
if it was too high, then I would feel that I'm not suitable for her, or she would
come to this conclusion! Of course, I thought that often the opposite sex had
a higher intelligence than the men. I saw this in the lives of some couples
after marriage, which means that it seemed to me that mostly the woman
reduced her intelligence to her husband's intelligence and matched her
intelligence and only use her higher intelligence when she deem it
necessary. Sometimes a woman expresses unaware about issues that she
knows, and she likes her husband to explain this issue to her in order to
provide a way to talk to her husband and to express her husband's existence,
as well as to take notes which her husband knows or does not know about
that issue, and the points that are emphasized and considered in her
husband's conversation are. I hated it very much because of this behavior
and expression of unawareness with the opposite sex.

Why did not I make a temporary marriage? I thoughts very much about this
issue. I thought it would a kind of betrayal to my future wife and I would
probably regret it afterwards. Or because it seemed to me that it was only for
satisfaction of sexual need, it was a shame that ,maybe not for me, because
of the embarrassment to encounter family members after this act, and that
they would be aware of this issue.Perhaps it was because it was possible to
find a sexual or spiritual dependency to that person, as a result, temporary
marriage had to be repeated with the same person, and it might end in asking
for a marriage on behalf of me and only for sexual issues. Or probably after
one time for the next times, I would have to do the same thing, which scared

39
me dependency on doing it. dependency that had to be destroyed only by
permanent marriage.

1-friendship and sexual intercourse without temporary marriage 2- Only


sexual intercourse 3- Just friendship! I felt like I was not like other boys, so I
could be friend with a girl,I mean I do not think I was a normal person and I
did not have the necessary abilities to make friendship and verbal skill. I was
not a religious person who, because of my beliefs, had not made friendship
and had a sexual intercourse without temporary marriage, or just sexual
intercourse. I thought sexual intercourse was a betrayal to my future wife.
For the sake of embarrassment and the fear of facing family members after
having sexual intercourse with someone who is not my wife, and that they
being informed about this issue because I had a religious family. Friendship
with the opposite sex undoubtedly created dependence on me, but lack of
skill in controlling the feelings toward the opposite sex, probably after a short
time after my friendship,it created a kind of dependency on me that I hated.

............. Boooooom! I fell from the top of the tree and I do not remember
anything else. Then I was being slapped on the face,someone said,”it’s
nothing. I opened my eyes and saw my mother and the neighboring woman
standing above me and saying,”it’s nothing. I told myself,”shit I am alive
again! I was between a blanket,I do not remember anything else, then I
remember the porch,my dad came and said, "now go and rest at home, are
you satisfied now?" I wanted to get up but I could not, and my legs felt numb!
In short, my back was broken! I had surgery, which costed me several
millions,and then I had a lot of physiotherapy,lying just like a corpse, bathing
in the same room on a stretcher.
40
I remember once my dad was sitting inside of my bed once, and then I
remembered saying, "My son, go and bring me the key of car in the next
room!" Then he laughed and said, you can’t,can you? and then he went out,
but I could not walk!

I do not remember much the details.I don’t know that if I used to use medicine
at that time or not. I only remember physiotherapy. In the beginning
,physiotherapist became nervous because my legs did not have necessary
reaction. He did two kinds of work, one was to stimulate the nerves and
muscles if I’m not mistaken by means of a sort of metal pen which its top was
cloth and wet and he tied also something around my neck. Another type was
burning of my legs a spot where the hair, my leg`s skin and flesh burned, I
felt the smell of burning, but pain and irritation began a few seconds after the
full burning!

After about two months of physiotherapy, I could only move my two fingers
from each of my legs! After a while, I could move my ankles and walked after
five months with the help of two people and a walking-stick. After several
months, I could walk with exercise and continuation of physiotherapy, but my
legs never felt perfect, and I could not move my right ankle. After I fell from
the tree, I always had horrible dreams, I had a dream several times, I saw in
a dream that I was above a tree and a beautiful girl was beside me, and
stretching her hand to me and invited me to jump together, I put my hand in
her hand and we jumped down from the top of the tree but in the middle of
the path, she fluttered and flew away from me with a loud laugh, I was going
away from me, and I hit to the ground hardly.

After a while at the expense of my father and his suggestion,my sister and I
established a internet café in our town! I had realized that my sister was not
41
satisfied to work with me who was four years younger than her and that I
would be the internet café manager and sometimes to do what I asked her,,
and I read on her personal blog that she had written, "My brother uses me
as a shop worker! " Once we talked to each other, she told me,” Dad has
established the internet café because he has counted on me, and also my
name has been written in the license not yours.I got much worse by what
she said . I do not remember exactly why, but we went to Dr. Parviz again
and he prescribed a series of medicines. The cost and rental of the store was
more than our income, and after two years we had to shut down the internet
café. After that, I went to a computer class for a while, and I got a degree
that needed to work in the offices and the computer user. For three months,
I also worked at a computer and laptop sales and computer service company
for about three months, and since the pay was not good, I got out of there.
Then I remember that I did not use any medicine, I remember that I had
illusion again, and my sleep was low and I had lots of obsession (for
example, when I wanted to go outside, I checked my pocket many times,to
not forgetting my credit card,money and identification cards. And on the way
and outside of the house I always checked it out and I had a stress that if I
have them with myself or not) and I had lost my appetite and I was very
nervous and I thought there was something in my room and I thought my
father had a plot for me and he wanted to do something to me. That’s why I
became wild and one day when only two of my sisters were in the house I
attacked and beat them and they got out of the house, and I locked all the
doors of the house, and I was alone for days and did not let anyone in the
house. My father came to the house a few days later with a trick and along
with one of our relatives, tied my hands and feet to my bed with a rope, then
they went to the clinic, took a doctor and he said that to untie my hands and
42
feet,then he injected me which I became unconscious. tomorrow, a nurse
came in and again got an injection that I just got confused this time. The next
day we went to the city that I was student there and went to the Dr. Akbari,
psychiatrist,he visited me and said,”you should hospitalize him,”. I was
hospitalized for three days and then the doctor told my father,” take him
home a couple of days and if he gets sick again, bring him back to me”!

After that, they took me every two or three months to doctor to visit me. The
doctor said that I am bipolar person, one pole is glad and happy and another
one is depressed and upset. A few years passed, and the medicines which
were prescribed by doctor and I used were: Depanin, Perphenazine,
Alanzapine, Cholonazapam, Fluoxetine, Biprid. (Of course, all of these were
not together, I mean, I've been taking these medications for about two years
at different times). Then my doctor passed away and I did not go to any
doctor for a few months. I was fine and I decided again to go to university
and I was very sad about this issue that I did not have any college degree
and I was afraid of my future. I went to university again, but again I had
illusion some time later. I installed a software on my computer that monitored
the environment through the webcam, and if there was a movement in the
environment, it would alert you, and if there was a face in the cadre, it would
find it (it had the cabability of Face Tracking and a the name of the software
was also WOLFCODERS Security Cam) I opened this software and I put
myself in front of the camera without moving, but the software alerted, i.e. it
announced that there was movement in the image and it recognized a face
just next to my face which was moving but I did not see anything,after sevaral
times which I did that I was scared to death. And a few days later, I had

43
become sick and it was proven to me that there was something in my room,
and I also discussed with my father and I took money from him and got out
of the house and went to the city where I was a student and had gone to the
doctor there. It was the night I arrived there and went to the hospital where I
was hospitalized and said,” I was already hospitalized here and I have a
case, hospitalize me I'm not well. But the doctor who visited me said,” you
should have a companion and it is also a private hospital here and it costs
too much! Then he called to my father and talked to him a bit, and then he
said,” your father seems to be sick as well, and told me,” you can go to the
state hospital” and told the hospital's address. In the state hospital they also
said,” you should have a companion to be hospitalized! A female doctor
came and visited me and asked me a few questions. I told her,” I think I'm
an important person and some people are chasing me and I'm so scared.
She said,”tonight stay in the emergency room until tomorrow then call one of
your relatives to come.Next day I went out of the hospital and walked a bit in
the city. My father came and took me to the hospital and hospitalized for
twenty-two days, and I think that every day, psychiatrist Dr. Setareh visited
me and took notes under the supervision of another psychiatrist. When I
came home, it was the time of my final exams of the university, and I did my
best to study and take part in the exam but I couldn’t. The medications which
I had been given were very heavy (the pills that I remember I had been given
and now it can be read from the prescription are: "Roperidone. Dopakin and
Dioclexes), I could only study for three or four minutes, and then my mind
got very tired and I could not use my brain anymore and I had to close my
eyes and lay down. I wanted to get semester vacation but I couldn’t and I did
not go to university again. When I was hospitalized, two ladies came to take
a psychological test for me and fill out its form, one of the questions was that
44
if someone let you to abuse of herself or himself, would you do that? I
answered yes! Both of them looked at each other and laughed and tell me
again, I think you did not understand my question and again they read the
question and I repeated my answer! I do not know why it was strange for
them that I gave this answer. One more thing, when I was hospitalized, came
up was that one of the hospital's staff gave me a magazine to study it when
I had a free time, the magazine had a few headlines on the form of question
I do not remember all of them , but I remember one that had written "Where
is the son of Gaddafi?" This headline and some other headlines that had
been written on the form of question caused illusion to me and thought that
it was asking me!

once a few months they took me to the doctor to be visited by my new doctor.
I once wrote my own story before and gave it to my new doctor, which was:
my appetite for food has been reduced, and sometimes I feel heat from
inside. In the morning I feel tiredness after waking up. I'm always struggling
with myself and my thoughts are always busy, and I can not free my mind,
and thinking too much leads to depression and brain weakness, dizziness,
headache, distraction, and amnesia. My mind getting a bit freed by talking,
but get nercous because I can not speak well and say what I mean, and I
can not communicate verbally with someone as I want, and this annoys me
too much because I'm stronger in the inner world, than the outside world, but
I can not talk and act like what I think, and I have to listen to the words of my
opposite person, but I often feel that the opposite person intends to change
my mind on that particular issue consciously or unconsciously or get more
information from my thoughts, In this situations, I get angry. I would like to
be alone and I think in loneliness to solve my problems, but I do not have a

45
mental balance,and I constantly change the solution of my problems, or I get
tired of thinking, I come to a intellectual dead end. I can not talk to family
members because I have a stress in the home environment.I often face
flattering by my parents. usually after a few words, talking to family members
they take stand on my thoughts immediately and label me such as: you are
like your brother or they do not take my words seriously because I have
already told them some words and acted contrary to it. Or they use special
techniques in their talking to make me nervous and that my disease gets
exacerbated or they talk in such a way that as if they do not need me, and
that I am the one who just need them and I should change my ethics and
behavior according to their taste, Otherwise, I won’t be successful in my
life.on the one hand my father forbade me from working in the past With a
kind of duality of behavior, and on the other hand he talks contemptuously to
me because I can 't afford to meet my financial needs And now he invites me
to do things that I can’t afford to do so. On the other hand,once I told my dad
to stay at home and do nothing, but he did not pay attention. Now you ,who
are my son, stay at home,and pay attention to me and do not work. When
I'm in my room, family members talk loudly about specific issues to measure
my reaction later. Sometimes, When I do not pay attention, my words would
have an ambiguity,and the opposite person would get me wrong and this
issue harasses me severely. Sometimes I hesitate to tell the truth, because
I think that by telling the truth they would consider me simple-minded, or I
think they know the truth and just want to test me, which makes me nervous.
Most often I often do not understand what they really mean at the moment
when they talk to me, and after thinking about the exchanged talks, I would
realize what they really mean,Sometimes I do not feel safe anywherer and I
think that I'm a special person that some people intend to kill or imprison me
46
and there are somethings about myself that I do not know. I think we are in
a dream and we are not allowed to think about particular issues by ordere of
some people. By thinking about these issues and protesting, the security and
power of those will be taken ( they need popularity on behalf of us),and they
will be destroyed. But they held everyone in a sort of intangible sleep by
magic and charm. And the spell captured everyone in an unusual way (they
were formerly in captivity and colonialism, but since colonized people usually
would be colonialist after coming to power,they colonize now), and in this
dream, everyone, including myself, is busy and caught up in things like
power, lust, money, and so on, and we do not know the purpose of our
creation.They got a kind of false popularity for themselves with this dream
and after death we will realize the truth of creation,sometimes these thoughts
create a desire for suicide in me, sometimes I think about committing suicide
due to the influx of evil thoughts and my encouragement to crimes and killing.

I feel sometimes that when my illness intensifies I get under the influence of
metaphysical forces and it takes a lot of energy from me and takes me to
madness. I am attracted to the girls, but later I think they are going to deceive
me with their movements and words to attract and abuse me, or I conclude
that my feeling about my favorite girl may be a kind of fleeting feeling, then I
usually would forget her after a while. But on the one hand, I need to know
the amount of my popularity from the point of view of the opposite sex to get
my self-confidence higher. On the other hand, I also behave in such a way
to avoid being popular among the opposite sex because I think I'm not a
normal person, and I think that I may hurt her physically or psychologically,
and the opposite sex will soon understand this because of her high
intelligence and with a series of intellectual games.when I talk to the boys I

47
often think that they intend to know my view in some cases and they want to
steal my thoughts and spy on me. When I study, I lose my concentration very
soon and my brain gets tired, and most of the studied cases are forgotten
very soon.

Once again, I was hospitalized in a state hospital for fourteen days. Then I
said,”I don’t accept this psychiatric, and I was taken to another psychiatric,
and if I’m not mistaken, he just wrote a pill of trenocopine and sodium
valproate, which I got worse by eating them.and I don 't think that doctor was
good either and I did not take any medicines for a while by my insistence, I
just ate two clonazepam tablets every night so I could sleep. I got worse
again and we went back to the state hospital again. This time, Dr. Setare
who when I was in the hospital for the second time used to visit me,visited
me once again and prescribed and after several visits, the diagnosis of
disease was the a bipolar disorder. Once I went to Dr. Setare, I wrote my
story beforehand and I gave it to her, it was as follow: Concern over the
issues that might come up to me in the future makes my thought to be busy
and I constantly think about what planning to do in order to avoid any problem
in the future.Thinking along with anxiety makes me to become oblivious. I
always make decisions for the future, and I constantly change them or
replacing them with another decision. Remembering the past mistakes and
the actions which I did and failed,scares me from starting a job and making
a new decision. Most of the time, I 'm bored and unable to do any kind of
activity, and most of the time I'm resting. I think so much about marriage, and
I think that part of my problems are not having an emotional and sexual
partner (I think one of the causes of my illness is the lack of a sexual partner
and a private life) and a permanent companion. With proper marriage, some

48
of my problems will be resolved and it will alleviate the severity of the illness.
On the other hand, the situation in which I am and the level of education and
the lack of physical and mental health will force me to choose a girl who is at
a low level of education and other privileges that will not satisfy me

Dr. Setare prescribed a series of medicines and said,”you should take your
medication”. And now, It's been a few years since I've been taking her
medications and I go to visit me every few months. The medicines which I
take now are lithium. Olanzapine and Biperiden,and of course, whenever I
got insomnia, I must use clonazepam.

I’m about 30 years old now, I'm pretty alright, and Dr. Setare has told me,”
you can go to work or continue your education or even get married. But I'm
afraid and I think it needs much more time.I sleep usually in the morning, I
sometimes wake up with a state of dumbness and confusion, and this state
is up to about an hour. I have amnesia, and I have to write it down to remind
me. I read the book but my brain strongly resists to learn new contents. There
is no longer past bad thoughts, there is no longer the thoughts like crime, but
the idea of destroying myself is still a bit. There is no illusion either. Dr. Setare
also has suggested that I go to psychotherapy, which one of its forms is
supportive psychotherapy to makes me feel better, but I did not accept
because firstly I am not currently in a mood that someone’s words affect me.
Second, I will soon forget what has been said between me and the
psychotherapist. Third, I do not want my father to spend more money on me.
Most of the time I am in the room and work with the computer and maybe
about 10 hours a day I spend time with the computer and the Internet, and
though sometimes I also study ...

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