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Volume 52 - Issue 8

October 31, 2018


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NEWS 3
THINGS FALLING APART

RSU delays investigation into board status NEWS BITES


One month since the RSU voted to investigate the student status of the board, they’ve done nothing
This week in breaking news!
By Kosalan Kathiramalanathan brought up the inquiry. student at Ryerson and the Dep- executives’ mind,” he said.
Ram Ganesh, president of the uty Chairperson of Education for Considering the BoD represents By The News Team
One month after the Ryerson Stu- RSU, said the executive team has graduate students on the BoD, students, and is paid to do so, sec-
dents’ Union (RSU) passed a mo- not begun the investigation due to said all folks who are on the board ond-year dance student Barbara RSU board meeting recap: by-
tion to investigate the student status other plans that have taken priority. should be confirmed to be Ryerson Simms said she thinks the inquiry laws amended, harm reduction
of board members, the governance Ganesh said the development of a students as soon as possible. should be prioritized. club approved
team hasn’t begun their inquiry. new executive portfolio—that of the “The RSU is more focused on “It’s not surprising, but not ac- At the latest Ryerson Students’ Union
A motion to launch an investi- proposed vice-president communi- making sure their social events go ceptable either,” Simms said, after (RSU) meeting held on Oct. 25, the
gation into the Board of Directors cations—has taken up most of the over well rather than the integrity she heard the RSU hasn’t started board approved a harm reduction
(BoD) to ensure each member com- committee’s time. of the board,” Grant said. checking to make sure every BoD club’s appeal and amended bylaws.
plies with RSU bylaws was put for- She said it’s important the RSU member is enrolled at Ryerson. Two months after the RSU de-
ward during the September meeting. “In order to best represent verifies all members are actually en- Working on the BoD might not nied the Ryerson chapter of Canadi-
The motion was put forward after it the student body, you need rolled at Ryerson at the next board be a lifelong career, but it’s still an an Students for Sensible Drug Policy
was revealed a member of the board meeting, the Semi-Annual General important job, Simms added. (CSSDP) status, they approved CSS-
was not a current student, violating to be a student” Meeting on Nov. 26. With files from The News Team DP’s affiliate group appeal.
the student union’s bylaws. “In order to best represent the stu- CSSDP can now apply for up to
To qualify for a position on the “I don’t think the governance dent body, you need to be a student $1,000 in RSU grant funding and
board, a member must be enrolled committee had time to look into at Ryerson. It’s pretty hard to know book event space.
as a student at Ryerson University. that, I’m sure they’ll start looking at what students need without actually As for bylaw amendments, the
The Eye previously reported that Ali that,” he said. attending school here,” Grant added. Board of Directors (BoD) approved
Mulji, a Ryerson grad, was serving Each board member is paid a Maklane DeWever, the RSU’s a motion to amend a bylaw to add
on the BoD despite attending school $1,500 honourarium per semester student groups director, put for- a sixth new executive position over-
in B.C. He has since resigned. they serve. ward the motion last month. looking communications within the
The governance committee was Besides an investigation of all cur- DeWever said it’s been a busy time RSU at the meeting. The RSU also
expected to provide recommenda- rent members, the motion passed one for the student union, with numerous passed a motion to create an Indig-
tions at the October meeting to en- month ago also requested the remov- other projects in the works. enous student representative posi-
sure that this error would not hap- al of any invalid board members. “With the RU-Pass [referendum] tion on the board.
pen again. At the meeting on Oct. Amber Grant, an environmen- and other initiatives, it’s understand- Both amendments will be voted
25, no executives or BoD members tal science and management PhD able that this may have slipped the on in the Semi-Annual General
Meeting on Nov. 26.
Ryerson student charged with

It’s not over until it’s over: Rye president assault, assault with a weapon
A Ryerson University student was
Despite government funding cuts, Mohamed Lachemi isn’t giving up on the Brampton campus expansion just yet charged with assault in connection to
a viral video that shows her pushing
for the three campus expansions in anti-choice protestors on campus.
the GTA. Toronto Police confirmed Ga-
Lachemi said it’s too early to briela Skwarko turned herself in to
know for sure whether the expan- police on Oct. 26 after she was ap-
sion has been cancelled completely proached by detectives who advised
or whether it’s simply been delayed. her to do so.
It’s also unclear whether the funding Toronto Against Abortion posted
cuts are temporary or permanent, a video of Skwarko, an arts and con-
he said. temporary studies student, pushing
The university, Lachemi added, and throwing items at anti-choice
still has a “big vision for Brampton.” protestors at Gould and Victoria
Ryerson’s Brampton campus was streets on Oct. 1.
anticipated to open in the fall of Skwarko, a member of the Ryer-
2022, offering data-driven science son Reproductive Justice Collective,
and business programs. It was also is facing two charges: assault and as-
going to be home to Cybersecurity sault with a weapon. She was released
Catalyst, a national centre for cyber on a promise to appear in court.
security innovation. Charles Finlay, RU-Pass signage advertises in-
executive director of the centre, did correct dates
not respond to a request for com- The RSU printed dozens of posters
ment in time for publication. and lawn signs with the wrong RU-
The province is revoking its $90-million commitment toward Ryerson’s Brampton expansion PHOTO: SIERRA BEIN Brampton’s city council pledged Pass referendum date on them.
$150 million toward the project. The voting period for the RU-
By Maggie Macintosh and the Wilfrid Laurier-Conestoga “We promised the people of Ontar- Amarjot Sandhu and Prabmeet Pass started Oct. 29 at 8 a.m. and
College campus in Milton, Ont. io to restore accountability and trust Sarkaria, MPPs for Brampton West ends Nov. 1 at 4:30 p.m, contrary to
Ryerson University’s president is Ryerson president Mohamed in Ontario’s finances. Part of that pro- and Brampton South, respectively, the RSU signs that state the last day
optimistic about a future expansion Lachemi said he was surprised by cess means making tough decisions said in a joint statement the province to vote is Nov. 2.
to Brampton despite the province the Progressive Conservative gov- about projects across Ontario,” Ful- is willing to consider a business case The false marketing materials are
pulling millions in funding for the ernment’s decision to strip the fund- lerton said in a statement to The Eye. for how the campus expansions can posted everywhere from the Rog-
project last week. ing. “But after the surprise, you have proceed in the absence of provincial ers Communications Centre to the
The Ontario government re- to think about what’s next and try to The university, capital funding. “Brampton deserves Dundas subway station.
voked its $90-million commitment build a better future for our institu- Lachemi added, still a thoughtful, sustainable proposal to The RSU allocated $45,000 on the
toward a Ryerson-Sheridan College tion [and] also a better future for bring post-secondary education to referendum, a price tag that includes
satellite campus in Brampton, citing the youth in the City of Brampton,” has a “big vision for our city,” they said in a Facebook post. marketing and staffing costs.
a hefty deficit. Lachemi said. Brampton” “Together, we remain commit- If the referendum passes, all full-
In a press release published Oct. Merrilee Fullerton, Ontario’s ted to working with stakeholders to time students will have to pay an
23, the province announced it was minister of training, colleges and She said the Tories are cleaning make this happen.” additional $70 per month for the
also slashing funding commitments universities, said Ontario is “no lon- up the former Liberal government’s Brampton mayor-elect Patrick unlimited transit pass, a sum that
toward the York University-Seneca ger in a position” to fund the expan- “reckless” financial decisions, in- Brown did not respond to a request will be added to their student fees
College campus in Markham, Ont. sions due to a $15-billion deficit. cluding the $325 million promised for comment in time for publication. starting in September 2019.
4 EDITORIAL

Put on a pineapple costume and fix your entire life


also dressed as a pineapple, so it was and it was the youngest I have felt in you’d see if you left your phone at used to love.
By a very fruity and exciting time. Af- a very long time. home, or didn’t answer that email on The thing is, right now, we’re
Skyler ter a few houses, it got too dark for Kids are now like adults in small a weekend. You might see a cool dog adults, but not quite. We’re stuck in
Ash the toddler to be out, so we headed packages, phones in pockets and on the walk home or you might look classrooms, and we’re stuck in our
home with our loot. The sheer joy ready to go. According to a 2016 re- up and see all the leaves changing. ways. We can only change one of
in her eyes as we said “trick-or- port from Influence Central, a brand- It isn’t just tech that aged us pre- those things unless we’re about to
The last time I went trick-or-treat- treat” at the door and were handed based research group, kids get their maturely, it was all those bad parties graduate. When people ask me why
ing was in 2016. I was a pineapple a chocolate bar is forever ingrained first phone around 10. I got mine at we went to in order to fit in. I still babysit at my age, I tell them
and I took a little girl I babysit to a in my mind. Before we headed into 16. I once told a seven-year-old that I The post-prom party I went to it’s because I get to wear a onesie
few houses to get candy. She was her house we howled at the moon, didn’t have a data plan on my phone was the moment I realized I was and it’s not weird, it’s fun because
and he laughed. He got a cell phone ready to leave high school a long the kids are wearing theirs, too. I
for Christmas that year. time ago. We go to parties instead get to make cupcakes and turn the

28
WED I hear people in my classes say
they feel naked without their
of staying home for dinner with our
families. We go to loud bars instead
kitchen into a warzone.
We can take a break from how

NOV
phone—can’t go a day without it. of watching a wonderfully terrible much being an adult sucks, how hard
Answer your emails and end them movie on TV. We stay out late in- it can be, and we can run around the
with messages like, “Thank you for stead of allowing ourselves the ab- kitchen singing like the pineapple
the reminder,” and, “I look forward solute pleasure of going to bed early kid I took trick-or-treating does al-

L
to hearing from you,” because that’s when we’re already exhausted from most every day. So fuck it. Put on

S U F A L
professional, and that’s how adults our week. We’re always trying to a costume and go ask strangers for

R
sound. But think of all the things seem too mature for the things we candy. And howl at the moon.

GENERAL
MEETING
When was the last time you put on a pink tutu and frolicked through the waves? | PHOTO: MIKE BAIRD/FLICKR

Fun Vincent “Connor Thomas” Van

FREE DINNER
Nathaniel “Slenderman” Crouch Ghoul
Ashwin “smokey boi” Venkat
Media Saleem “professional” Kiblawi
• Discuss student issues Parnika “Pyramid Head” Raj Zachary “Skater murder” Roman
• Have your say on RSU campaigns and initiatives Katie “Bride of Chucky” Swyers Xavier “Hotline Bling” Eeswaran
• Exercise your democratic right Editor-in-Chief Pernia “The Thing” Jamshed Elana “Jack ‘O Lantern” Emer
Jacob “The Crypt Keeper” Dubé Catherine “Headless Horseman” Cha
Podcast Producer Anastasiya “Listicle Queen”
News Izabella “Jason Voorhees” Balcerzak Romanska

RCC 204 Raneem “Annabelle” Alozzi


Maggie “Dr Frankenstein” Macintosh Copy Editor and
Emeraude “Drafts” Mbuku
Rhea “All the Toronto bands” Singh
80 Gould Street Sherina “Ghostface” Harris Circulation Manager Emma “Spooky Trendsetter” Sandri
Igor “Slappy the Dummy” Magun Kosalan “Creepy Union”
5:30pm Registration
Photo Kathiramalanathan
6:00pm Start Samantha “Babadook” Moya Interns Tyler “Horrifying Posters” Griffin
Alanna “Pennywise” Rizza Gabrielle “The Sash Ringing” Olano Sam “Frightening Pass” Harley
All RSU members (full time undergrads and full and part-time Deanna “Freddy” Krueger Maeve “The Trash Thinging” Bunga Cassidy “Thrilling World” Garbe
grads) are eligible to vote on by-law changes, motions, & Ashanti “The Mash Flinging” Hayden “Callout King” Godfrey
set direction! Online Anderson Will “inside knowledge” Lofsky
The deadline to submit motions: Skyler “Monster M” Ash Alexander “The Flash Springing” Libaan “just to see you” Osman
Friday, Nov. 16 at 5pm Bryan “The Mothman” Meler Moore Chris “200% accurate” Sanders
Email motions to internal@rsuonline.ca Christopher “The Hash Slinging Mira “Efficient” Miller
Features Slasher” Sarkar Kieona “Cyber talent” George
Sarah “Mogwai” Krichel Heidi “Class Whiz” Lee
General Manager
ASL interpretation provided. If you need other
accommodations to ensure your participation, please Arts and Life Liane “Carrie” McLarty Happy Halloween everyone! May you
contact internal@rsuonline.ca as soon as possible. Premila “Medusa” D’Sa have all the candy, and may the Great
Advertising Manager Pumpkin visit you.
Sports Chris “The Wolfman” Roberts
Peter “Graveyard Sm” Ash The Eyeopener is Ryerson’s largest and
Christian “Norman Bates” Ryan Design Director only independent student newspaper.
Computer Science Tutor
J.D. “Creature from the Black It is owned and operated by Rye Eye
Help with C C++ C# Java and Python Homework and Assignments. Biz and Tech Lagoon” Mowat Publishing Inc., a non-profit corpora-
Help available by email, online on Skype or in person. Urbi “Annie Wilkes” Khan tion owned by the students of Ryerson.
We also offer individual C C++ C# Java Contributors Our offices are on the second floor of the
and Python programming lessons. Communities Sofia “Here in Spirit” Ramirez Student Campus Centre. You can reach
students@cstutoring.com 416-785-5115 Lidia “Jigsaw” Abraha Anita “TRS Resident” Wu us at 416-979-5262, at theeyeopener.com
Mikayla “Costume Queen” Fasullo or on Twitter at @theeyeopener.
NEWS 5

Is free tuition here to stay? Ford government won’t say


With the current OSAP model’s future unknown, Rye community members question the provincial government’s next move on education
By Sherina Harris received free tuition in 2017 thanks student who received a free tu-
to the updated OSAP program, The ition grant from OSAP. She said it’s
Ontario’s minister of training, col- Eye reported last fall. “anxiety-inducing” to know that the
leges and universities has repeatedly The Office of the Registrar at Ry- future of the program that funds her
declined to comment on the future erson estimated that even more stu- education is unclear.
of the province’s free tuition pro- dents enrolled at the university—at She’s currently trying to switch
gram. When asked by the Toronto least 14,500—will benefit from the into a midwifery program, and said
Star, and later The Eye, about the program this academic year. she is putting a lot of pressure on
future of the Ontario Student Assis- herself to get into that program
tance Program (OSAP) model, Mer- It’s “anxiety-inducing” to when she knows her funding may
rilee Fullerton has reiterated the know that the future of the not continue.
Progressive Conservative govern- “Without it, I would not be able to
ment’s concerns about the $15-bil- program that funds her afford education and I would not be
lion deficit. education is unclear able to...go back into the workplace
“Our government is being forced and pay for my mom’s mortgage and The province has repeatedly declined to comment on the future of the free tuition
to clean up the irresponsible and “Most of the people I talk to in my things like that,” Dostmohamed said. program that helps thousands attend Ryerson | ILLUSTRATION: ALANNA RIZZA
reckless financial decisions of the pre- classes, they’re not fortunate enough If she doesn’t get into the pro-
vious Liberal government,” Fullerton to have their family pay for their ed- gram and free tuition is cancelled said the protests against other politi- prised if the 2018-19 provincial
said in a statement to The Eye. ucation or have some kind of RESP in the future, Dostmohamed would cal issues—such as altering the mini- budget, to be released next spring,
In March 2017, the former Liberal program from when they were a consider taking a year off. If the free mum wage legislation and reducing froze the basic operating grants pro-
government introduced the revised child,” said Hermes Azam, a fourth- tuition model is cut and she does the size of Toronto’s city council— vided to Ontario universities.
financial aid program. It offers appli- year urban and regional planning get into midwifery, she would take show that the government seems to “I think we’ll have to wait and
cants more non-repayable grants and student and the president of Social- the program and rely on loans, but be “tone-deaf” to protests. see, but certainly it could be tougher
free tuition to low-income students. ist Fightback at Ryerson. noted that this would lead to a lot of What’s next for universities? for students in the coming year...if
Over 210,000 students in Ontario “It’s traumatizing actually, it’s ter- debt to pay off in the future. “This is just the beginning,” Pa- universities end up looking to find
have received free tuition under the rible, for a lot of these students,” he Fightback would mobilize if the trice Dutil, a Ryerson politics pro- money somewhere and find it in the
revised OSAP structure. said. “Especially those students who OSAP free tuition program was re- fessor who is an expert in political pockets of students,” Petrozzi said.
Without answers, the Ryerson have to contribute to rent, contrib- pealed, Azam said. leadership, wrote in an email. “We need to keep an eye on
University community is left to ute to housing, food, clothing costs John Shields, a Ryerson politics “I strongly suspect that the entire what’s going to be happening,” he
question what other impacts the ed- and the rest of it, and on top of that professor who researches the labour sector is going to be subject to dra- said. “Perhaps it’s time to declare, or
ucation sector will face as the gov- packing on a couple hundred dollars market, said students taking action matic cuts in the next budget,” the to prove the government wrong and
ernment works to reduce the deficit. a month for loans with interest.” could cause the province to recog- professor added. to finally begin to act [by] voting in
What’s next for students? Maheen Dostmohamed is a first- nize the impact of their decisions on Ryerson politics professor Wayne a manner that will lead to [changes
A total of 9,500 Ryerson students year Ryerson nutrition and food potential future voters. However, he Petrozzi said he wouldn’t be sur- in] government behaviour.”

Here’s part of the reason you won’t be getting $15/hour


The Ontario Chamber of Commerce, a group Ryerson University is a member of, lobbied to repeal the Fair Workplaces, Better Jobs Act

By Emma Sandri “We are on the lowest level of years earlier. wage that had not, over an extended power in the workplace in favour
membership,” said Ryerson presi- Bill 148 increased the minimum period of time, kept up with the of employers.
Students won’t be earning a $15 min- dent Mohamed Lachemi. “This level wage to $14 per hour and would standard of living,” he said. According to Siemiatycki, there
imum wage anytime soon—and Ry- of membership entitles the universi- have increased it to $15. The legis- Siemiatycki said the Ford gov- has been a lot of fear-mongering by
erson University is a member of an ty to free registration to some of the lation allotted all workers two paid ernment’s decision to repeal the bill groups like the OCC and the Ford
organization they can thank for that. events organized by the [OCC] and sick days and 10 days leave for per- will deteriorate the working con- government surrounding the bill.
The province announced on Oct. sometimes reduced ticket prices. sonal emergencies. It also created ditions and well-being of workers They have emphasized the bill’s
23 that they would repeal portions “You can understand from the mandatory pay equity between part- and their families. negative impacts on employers and
of Bill 148 in response to campaigns category membership with them time workers and full-time workers. “Lo and behold, a government the economy in particular, he added.
from organizations like the Ontario that we are not actually permitted to who styles itself the ‘government for A report released by the federal
Chamber of Commerce (OCC). participate on OCC committees or “It’s only a dollar, but it the people’ is now taking a hatchet at Parliamentary Budget Office on Oct.
The non-partisan organization task forces or to shape any of their Bill 148…this is going to affect hun- 23 shows higher minimum wages in
lobbied the government on behalf of policy agenda,” Lachemi continued.
[adds] up if you do more dreds of thousands of people, espe- Alberta and Ontario have helped
more than 60,000 members—includ- Bill 148—the Fair Workplaces, hours­—40 hours per cially young people and university close the current income inequality
ing Ryerson, York University, the Better Jobs Act—was passed in 2017 week, 40 bucks” students,” he added. gap in Canada.
University of Guelph and the Uni- by the former Liberal government. Siemiatycki, who teaches a course
versity of Toronto. During the 2015- It was the first big update to provin- on labour law, said the repeal of the The repeal of the bill
16 school year, the OCC was also one cial labour law since the passing of The Making Ontario Open for bill would be “disastrous”—particu- would be “disastrous”—
of Ryerson’s funding partners. the Employment Standards Act 17 Business Act unveiled by the Ford larly for vulnerable populations like
particularly for vulnerable
government will scrap these reforms. immigrants and students.
It will also freeze Ontario’s minimum Antas Rathore, a first-year busi- populations
wage at $14 for the next two years. ness management student at Ryer-
“I think what the Chamber of son, works part-time as a lifeguard. Ontario’s employment rate has also
Commerce and some employers don’t Rathore makes a little more than continued to increase this year and is
like about Bill 148 is that it requires minimum wage, but noted that most slightly higher than the 2017 rate.
them to share more of the pie with working students make minimum A lecture on the fight for the $15
their employees, which they would wage so the repeal of the bill will di- minimum wage was held during So-
rather not do,” said Myer Siemiatycki, rectly affect them. cial Justice Week at Ryerson, one
a politics professor at Ryerson. “It’s only a dollar but it [adds] up day after Ford’s announcement.
Siemiatycki called Bill 148 a if you do more hours—40 hours per Jared Ong, an organizer with the
“once-in-a-generation” labour law week, 40 bucks. And that will pay for $15 and Fairness campaign, told
update to correct imbalances that what, your transportation for a good a Ryerson audience that if a busi-
characterize the workforce. “The week or something.” ness can’t pay their workers a living
range of things it was made to ad- Siemiatycki said the repeal of Bill wage, they should adapt to a differ-
The OCC has lobbied for the repeal of Bill 148 for months | PHOTO: ELANA EMER dress included a very low minimum 148 was in recognition of a shift of ent business model.
6 FICTION

CHILDREN
OF THEIRS
story by Anita Wu
illustration by Alanna Rizza

Leaves were embracing a Twelve o’clock: Lunch time for everyone. Meeting for me. Her
stomach reacted loudly. Piano practice at one. Another class at
them. It was just not an option.
Ali nodded back and walked off, red curly hair bouncing

new colour palette as the three. Work till nine.


Packing her belongings, Quinn glanced around at the crowd
with excitement. It contradicted the mood that filled the air.
Immediately, Quinn started typing a lengthy heartfelt birth-
of students. Some questioning the professor, some leaving, day message to Wess, wishing him “the greatest day” for being
cold kissed the air. Students some chatting. The conversations revolved around the big- “such an amazing best friend” and apologizing for not being
gest party of the week, but Quinn tuned out in an instant. She able to celebrate with him.
emerged decked out in had more pressing matters at hand. As cliché as it was, Quinn was forever grateful to have met
She left, hurrying to the meeting on the other side of Wess. He was the microphone that amplified Ali’s joyous
autumn pride, counting the campus. Passing through a glass door, she vaguely saw her emotions. At the same time, he could just as easily calm her
reflection. Her dark hair was in a messy bun, complement- waters whenever she was upset. He became a shoulder to lean
days until winter break. But ed by her typical look: a hoodie, jeans and her sole acces- on whenever Quinn felt the world was against her.

B
sory, textbooks. Even with all her responsibilities, Quinn
Quinn felt isolated from wondered if she should care a little more about her appear-
ance. The thought was short-lived, interrupted by a famil-
zzt. Bzzt. Quinn’s phone vibrated. Māma. The mes-
sage bubbles appeared in blue, one after the other.
the excitement as she sat iar greeting.

in her philosophy elective, “Qín-Yǔ. Nǐ yào qù gàn má?” Qín-Yǔ. What are you going
to do?
uninterested, sketching in “Wǒ yào qù kāihuì.” I’m going to a meeting.
“Nǐ chīfànle ma?” Did you eat?
her notebook instead of “Nǐ fùxíle ma? Yǒu méiyǒu ná hǎo chéng jì?” Did you study?
“Quinny! Where are you going?” called a friend. Always Did you get good grades?

writing lecture notes. “dressed to impress,” Ali cared about how she looked. Colour-
ful, cheerful. A ray of sunshine in Quinn’s life.
“Nǐ kuàiyào jìnshēngle ma?” Promotion soon?

“Wrong way. It’s too cold for a picnic!” Ali skipped towards “Yes Māma, of course,” she replied. Because her parents had
her, a prettily wrapped box in-hand. She saw Quinn’s arched done so much for her. Working day and night, they saved ev-
She had volunteered to draft the design for the banner of eyebrow. “Wess? Lunch? Birthday? Surprise?” ery penny they could for her education. Being sent here would
an upcoming event for a music club that she volunteered for. “Shit,” Quinn muttered under her breath. Quinn the ob- give her a fighting chance. It’s been a year since Quinn came to
None of the other associates were keen on taking on the task, sessed workaholic, Ali the aloof extrovert and Wess the calm Canada, and even now, her parents were back home in China,
so Quinn stepped up to the plate. It was probably not the best caregiver. The discrepancies between their personalities were working still, saving to pay for her tuition and living expenses.
idea, since she didn’t have the time for it. It was due at the end what bonded them since the beginning of the school year. It had always been about her.
of the week, and she had only just started. Quinn and Wess were especially close—ranting to each other They thought highly of her, expected much from her. She
The professor rambled on, but Quinn’s classmates were about all they had to do to make their parents happy. could not let them down, did not want to disappoint them.
more interested in the stories on their phones. She took a sec- “I’m so sorry.” Quinn glanced at her watch. She had called Repaying her parents for all the work they’ve done was some-
ond to glance at the clock; 10 more minutes of class. She won- the meeting to work on the group assignment for her sociol- thing Quinn had to do. So if Mama ever called—which she
dered if professors ever worried about boring their students. ogy class that was due in two weeks. She could not be late. did, often—Quinn would always ensure she provided her un-
Quinn glanced at her watch, dismissing the lesson once again, “Have another group project to work on?” Ali questioned. divided attention.
and tried to plan out the rest of her day. Quinn stayed silent. She would have loved to have lunch with Mama was a typical Asian parent. In her philosophy, chil-
FICTION 7

dren not answering their phone must mean they’ve gone Breathing did not work. Quinn brought her palms to her
missing. Slipping grades meant devoting their life to getting Bzzt. Her phone vibrated again. Messages from Mama, face, covering her eyes, hoping it would stop the tears from
back to the top. The best for her children must be sending asking if she went home already. Quinn dutifully respond- falling. She backed away from the mirror until she hit the
them to prestigious schools, even if it meant never being able ed, then noticed something. The long, descriptive, apolo- bathroom wall, then sunk slowly to the ground. Everything
to see them. getic and beautiful birthday wish sat unsent in her messag- that a person should want in life, she had. Education, tal-
Perhaps Quinn was a typical immigrant student. She al- es. Of all the times she could have missed doing something, ent, jobs, friends, family. Her family was proud of her too,
ways listened to what her parents thought was best, never she forgot to send this one message that meant everything. weren’t they? Wasn’t that all she wanted? But then why?
giving it a second thought. Her parents’ expectations became It explained why Wess did not respond—he didn’t have Why did it hurt so much?
her expectations. anything to respond to. She crouched there, head against her thighs, eyes shut,
Quinn got up from her desk, piled messily with textbooks, hands searching for any kind of reassurance. But it found
paper and supplies. Two pictures framed its one tidy corner. nothing, just her own clothes, wrinkling from her grip. Her
One of her, Ali and Wess—the day they met at orientation nails dug into her skin. The physical throb, a comfort. She
week, hopeful for the years ahead. only had herself.
The other of her family back home. All smiles, but their But she wasn’t who she needed. All the unwelcome thoughts
eyes let slip the weariness and long nights. Her parents had flooded in, even as she was too tired to think, choking on her
Mama finally let her go as Quinn arrived at her meeting. owned a small restaurant stall. Two adults who focused more near-silent wails. Those that she suppressed, surfacing only
Five minutes late. The rest of the group was waiting on her. on making money to spend on her future than on spending when the wells overflowed.
All members were present, but Quinn wondered who actu- time with her. Meanwhile, she had to focus on her studies,
ally did their research for today. Group projects were never always alone in her room, with no company.
fun; she usually ended up doing most of the work because she She went to the washroom to wake herself up, her eyes
wanted to do well, to make her parents proud. The next hour stinging from fatigue. She stared at the mirror, disregard-
would be painful. ing the messy bun that was about to fall out. Her black pupils

B
stared back at her.
zzt. Bzzt. The sound was a relieving distraction from Breathe in…
the late-night studying Quinn was attempting to do. The sink spoke to her. Everything was there, somewhere. Why are you doing all this for your parents? Do you want rec-
It had been a long day, and all she wanted was to drop Hand soap, hand cloth, cleanser, moisturizer, toothbrushes, ognition that badly? Where are the people who care? Who actually
onto her bed and pass out. The lights were already off because cups. Everything that you would need at a moment’s notice. cares? Who are you? The thoughts muddled together, sending
her roommate was probably out partying again. Her roommate All there, somewhere. Actually, it was kind of a mess. Pack- stabs of emotion through her.
was still out partying, actually. That was the only reason she aged tablets spilling from a ripped open box, but Band-Aids The physical pain brought her back. She released her grip
would be able to study right now. Yet she spent more time try- neatly in another. A bottle stood tall on the other side, like the and barely registered the marks she left on her forearm. The
ing to stay awake. last man standing. tears finally ran out, but she still had the night ahead of her.
The notes for the course she was studying for was as inter- Where was the face wash? Nothing would get done now. She washed her face and stared
esting as class this morning. Breathe out… at her reflection once more. The same dark pupils stared back
Where was the toothpaste? In the top cabinet or in the at her, now saturated with red and pink.
“We define our identity always in dialogue with, sometimes in bottom? She fixed her messy bun and trudged back to her room,
struggle against, the things our significant others want to see in In… grateful that her roommate was not home. She unlocked her
us. Even after we outgrow some of these others—our parents, for Was the first-aid kit still in the bottom corner at the back? phone. 1:43 a.m. She backspaced the drafted, unsent message.
instance—and they disappear from our lives, the conversation with Or did someone move it somewhere else? “Happy belated birthday! I hope you had a great day!” Sent.
them continues within us as long as we live.” Out… She plopped into bed and passed out.
8 ARTS & LIFE
CLOWNS, NOT THE KILLER KIND

Clowns aren’t all in 2012, former clown Andrew Pi-


mento told The Eyeopener that the
audience laughter was unexpected,
coordinate efforts. the day, the show’s about genuinely
having fun and learning not to take
themselves too seriously. That’s not
“There is a
fun and games for but it made the show.
“There’s noth-
ing quite like
vulnerability in this
like being naked in
an easy thing to do for actors usually
trained to be specific and controlled
in their work.

Ryerson’s actors that laughter


that brings people
together the way
front of someone for “The first time you put on the
[clown] nose and stand in front of
people [is the hardest part],” said Pi-
“Clown” does,” he said. mento in 2012. “There is vulnerabil-
The annual show helps new actors get in touch with But the show isn’t all about be- Cherniak, the show’s director, has ity in this, like being naked in front
their comedic side and learn to not take things too ing funny. Sarah Gervais, another
member of this year’s “Clown”
had a serious career as well. Besides
directing the show as a visiting lec-
of someone for the first time.”
“Clown” is one of the perfor-
seriously. Xavier Eeswaran gets in on the clownery production, said the show teaches ture in the school of perfomance, mance school’s more highly coveted
versatility the same way there are she co-founded Common Boots productions, and one of its most
Despite being a comedic perfor- improvise and manage a relation- different clowns. Yes, the students Theatre and was a resident director popular. In 2014, tickets for the
mance, the Ryerson School of Per- ship with their audience. learn to be sad clowns too. at Soulpepper Theatre, a renowned show sold out.
formance’s annual “Clown” show is “You’re always afraid before you “That can form a lot of what we and prestigious not-for-profit To- When Gervais watched last year’s
no joke to all those involved. go on stage to make a mistake—to do outside of clown performances,” ronto theatre. performance, she knew it’s what
The school wrapped up their say the wrong line, do the wrong said Gervais. Despite how stressful it may seem, she wanted to do. She said she was
10th annual performance on Oct. choreography or movement,” said On top of guiding performers’ the students are remind- happy she finally got her chance to
27. “Clown” is a yearly production Weinhart. “But for “Clown” what’s future interests in different types of ed that at the end of clown around this year.
that showcases the work of director really great is any mistake you can theatre, behind the scenes, “Clown”
Leah Cherniak’s third-year acting use in the show.” teaches a whole array of
class. This year’s show starred 17 skills created due to
clowns who performed individual “There’s nothing the project’s tight
routines they had developed them- window to create
quite like that
selves. The show is a culmination a simple structure.
of six weeks of clown-related study laughter that brings “The show really
in Cherniak’s class. people together the enforces teamwork,”
The show’s been running for al- way ‘Clown’ does” said Mitchell Ayres, last
most 10 years, with the first one tak- year’s stunt coordinator. He said
ing place in 2009. In its earlier years, producing the show has to come to-
the class would pick their favourite During this year’s show, Wein- gether in a very short time frame,
acts from the show and re-perform hart said one of the clown’s faced with set designers, actors and
them on Gould Street for Ryerson’s technical difficulties on stage, promotional teams having to
student body. with a guitar amp that decided
In 2012, the outdoor Gould Street to stop working. Instead of
show was cancelled because of in- stopping, the clown worked
clement weather conditions caused the malfunction into his show.
by Hurricane Sandy. “It was funny for the audi-
“I think the clown show has al- ence to see,” said Weinhart. “If the
ways been a Ryerson favorite,” said audience happens to think that
Erin Weinhart, one of the clowns in something is funny, even if you
this year’s show. “I remember see- had no idea that it would be funny
ing it in my first year and all I could even going into the show, you just
think about was how desperately I keep doing it because that’s what
wanted to do the Clown show.” they want.”
“Clown” is designed to teach ac- It’s the reaction “Clown” actors | PHOTO:
tors comedic skills, but also how to have been getting for years. Even PAVLO BOSYY

Here’s your guide to a smooth winter transition Food


It’s the season where you can
officially reached the best time of
year to stay inside. And no one can
The weather outside is garbage. The Eyeopener’s compiled some tips to help you deal drink all the cups of tea you want judge you for it, because it’s fuck-
without anyone judging you for it. ing cold.
all the seasons, here are some tips to You don’t have to spend another It’s time to finally catch up on
make your transition from summer minute pretending that you love the those Netflix binges (watch what
to fall a little smoother. taste of that cold pressed green juice you want, but we really don’t recom-
Clothes that you spent $12 on. mend Riverdale, it’s gotten real bad).
It’s time to pack up your bathing Fall means warming up with a Keep your eye out for movie nights
suits and shorts and make room cup of hot cocoa. The cooler tem- hosted at Ryerson. The school’s per-
for sweaters, jeans and fuzzy jack- peratures are also the perfect ex- formance student union is hosting a
ets. Take a day to swap out your cuse for all the more soups, chilli screening of the Rocky Horror Picture
whole wardrobe and bring out all and warm cookies. If you need a Show on Nov. 2.
the outfits you’re going to need for quick soup fix, the Oakham House Mindset
fall. This is the only time of the has daily soups based on seasonal With the sun going down earlier
year where you can leave the house ingredients. Stop by Balzac’s for a and darkness hitting the city for lon-
in a fuzzy oversized sweater, leg- warm atmosphere, and a good se- ger periods of time, its hard not to
gings and a beanie and completely lection of warm beverages. feel a bit down. But instead of think-
get away with it. Activities ing of the season as cold and grimy,
Don’t feel like getting dressed OK so it’s probably time to give think of it as a time to get real cosy.
Pumpkin spices are overrated, but fall is the perfect time to accidentally spill one so go up for class? That’s totally fine, up days at the beach and late night A fresh season can also mean a fresh
ahead and spend $4.25 | PHOTO: CARL SOLIS just wrap that blanket scarf around swims, but I promise there are so start. If you’ve gotten a little behind
yourself and stroll on into your 8 many better things to do now. You with school or life this summer, take
By Anastasiya Romanska skin. Fall is amongst us and along a.m.—no one will even bat an eye. don’t have to leave the house after a moment during fall to catch up.
with it comes sweater weather, Be on the lookout for pop-up swap three because the sun is out to burn Try outlining your goals for the
As the colder temperature starts to crunchy leaves and mulled apple ci- shops that set up at the SLC and fol- you anymore, and you definitely season in a Muji notebook, they’re
settle in, it’s time to say goodbye to der. But for those of you who aren’t low Ryerson Fashion schools for don’t have to worry about mosqui- less than $3 and will give you that
long days and sun-kissed summer convinced that it truly is the best of some more fun pop-up events. toes ruining a good evening. You’ve minimalist aesthetic.
SPORTS 9

Ryerson unveils first-ever national banner


The Rams women’s volleyball team recently hung the
school’s first ever national championship banner. Our
sports editors get into the importance of the victory and
the impact it had on the program

By Peter Ash and back-to-back gold medal games in


Christian Ryan the U SPORTS Final 8 tournament.
As they conceded the victories and
accepted their silver medals, the
In April, the Ryerson Rams wom- women’s volleyball team was on the
en’s volleyball team defeated the Al- verge of university history.
berta Golden Bears in an epic five- The impact the victory had on
set battle to claim the U SPORTS the program was drastic, as highly
national title in Quebec City. touted prospects and players from
With a 25-0 record across the other schools started to bat an eye at
regular season, playoffs and nation- the recently successful program.
als, the undefeated record saw the
name “Rams” adorn a national tro-
“It was so surreal...
phy for the first time in a history
that dates back to the university’s Just seeing all of the
founding in 1948. support in the gym
On Oct. 25., the team unveiled made it so much
their national championship banner better”
ahead of their home opener against
the Brock Badgers. In front of a This season, the team received
nearly sold out crowd at the Mat- seven new players, with two of
tamy Athletic Centre, Rams captain them being notable transfers: Members of the 2017-18 championship winning team and this year’s team come together and pose in front of the U SPORTS title ban-
and U SPORTS Final 8 tournament fourth-year players Sara Piana and ner (pictured in the top left corner) | COURTESY: ALEX D’ADDESE
MVP Theanna Vernon helped bring Brett Hagarty.
the curtain down. Piana was named the best player making consecutive all-OUA second Samantha Cyrille. be looking forward to getting back to
Even though the team was focus- in the province last season, winning team appearances in 2014 and 2015. Given the additions that they’ve what they do best.
ing on the task in front of them, the the Ontario Colleges Athletic They both made an impact in their received and the current core that “It was a tricky night tonight. We
middle blocker said that most of her Association (OCAA) player of the home opener, much to the approval they have now, Reid also said that don’t play on Wednesdays very of-
teammates were still slightly think- year award as a member of the of Rams head coach Dustin Reid. their experience can only help the ten. We’ve been training for seven
ing about the moment. Loyalist College Lancers. “I think they were both great,” team keep their momentum. weeks leading up to seeing the ban-
“It was so surreal,” Vernon said Hagarty, who took three years Reid said of the team’s two transfers. “It was good for them to get a taste ner raised.
while talking about the unveiling off from volleyball after playing “We played some preseason games, of what’s to come and I think they’re “There was a lot of emotion in the
of the banner. “Just seeing all of the for Queen’s University, decided to but obviously the intensity wasn’t going to continue to get better.” gym that we won’t see in any other
support in the gym made it so much make her return as a Ram. During there like it was tonight.” Now with the season underway, game, so I’m looking forward to
better…it was amazing.” her time with the Kingston-based The other recruits were all the team will look to continue surg- getting back to our normal routine
Much of Ryerson’s national at- institution, the Aurora, Ont. native highly touted first-years in Teodora ing toward another national title. [which is] preparing for Friday and
tention had been on the men’s bas- was considered to be one of the Vukovic, Katelyn Grasman, Lauren Although it won’t be easy to quickly Saturday night matches and we’ll go
ketball team, who have competed in better players in the province, Wong, Adrianna Chiofalo and put aside, Reid said that his team will from there.”

While the popular video game may be seen as a fad, Ryerson Esports sees Fortnite as
Ryerson’s Fortnite serious business with prize pools up to $42,000

team is no joke Yes, Ryerson has a Fortnite team.


And yes, they’re off to a good start.
ond-year chemistry student.
Only 12 players were picked for
at the end of the regular, year-long
season. “It’s a really good group of
While many students don’t know the roster out of the 50 who tried guys. We’re always bantering with
By Will Lofsky what Esports are, or that Ryerson out. From there, six teams of two each other,” said Daniel Huynh,
Esports athletes compete against are made based on how well they a Squad A player and third-year
universities all over North Amer- play with each other. Each team, occupational health and safety
ica, Ryerson’s Fortnite team is one known as Squads, plays once a week. student. “It’s a good atmosphere to
of the best in the league right now. Ryerson’s starting teams play in play with.”
For those of you who don’t know, two different divisions in North 4 Ryerson Esports players are
Fortnite is an online video game in and North 3. These divisions aren’t the only university athletes able
which 100 players fight in player- based on rank or difficulty. to make money in competitions,
versus-player combat. The last one Squad A in North 4 is currently with a $42,000 total prize pool up
standing is declared the winner. third in North America, Squad B for grabs in Fortnite. One of the
Ryerson has six Fortnite teams in in North 3 is fifth, and Squad C in all-star players, Armada Kiwiface,
the Collegiate Starleague. All three North 3 is first in the regular season. won $25,000 this week playing
of the starting squads compete in For the most part, the teams professionally, and just touched
regular season, tournaments and have started out strong—Squad C down in Los Angeles to compete
regional events. The three other is 2-0, Squad B is 1-1 and Squad A at TwitchCon’s Fall Skirmish
squads practice on their own and is 2-0. Tournament this weekend.
compete in separate tournaments. There are three ways to make “He was someone that we
“I decided to make them tour- it to the finals. The teams need to really kept an eye on,” said Joseph
nament teams, so that they would either make it to the top four teams Raimondo, fourth-year RTA sport
have the opportunity to play, and in the one-day tournaments, go media student and President of
possibly make the starting team top four in their regional local area Ryerson Esports.
next year,” said Joshua Bateni, Ry- network (LAN) events, or make The team will play in their third
| ILLUSTRATION: SAMANTHA MOYA erson’s Fortnite manager and a sec- the top eight teams in the playoffs tournament of the season on Nov. 3.
10 COMMUNITIES

FemCare is here to stay and educate


Ryerson graduate’s new project makes women’s health a community issue
By Mira Miller ceived an overwhelmingly positive extreme pain during menstruation
response. and can affect fertility. She also has
As a child, Halima Al-Hatimy expe- The first drive received almost a premenstrual dysphoric disorder,
rienced frequent abuse at home. As $5,000 in donations. It was so well- which can cause depression and sui-
FemCare is making the community talk women’s health | PHOTO: SAMANTHA MOYA punishment, her father would often received by the Hamilton commu- cidal thoughts before menstruation.
withhold menstrual products, leav- nity that they asked her to continue It’s a disorder that affects 10 per cent
ing her to sometimes steal or beg for her efforts. of women, according to a 2009 re-
money on the street. port by Endometriosis.org.
“I started FemCare because I “By breaking the She explained that it took years of
needed FemCare,” said Al-Hatimy. stigma we can suffering in order to receive diagno-
FemCare is a community organi- ses because of the lack of research
zation based in Hamilton. They aim
transform our done around women’s health.
to change the way we think, talk and communities” She wants more research to be
address women’s health. Al-Hatimy done on menstrual health, mental
is a Ryerson masters student in “It’s actually about educating our- health and overall health, while un-
health administration, and started selves, getting involved, having the derstanding how they interplay.
FemCare to help other women courage to share our stories, then She added that Ryerson is partial-
with experiences like her own. working collaboratively to make the ly to thank for the success of Fem-
“We couldn’t afford menstrual change that’s necessary because you Care, because of the guidance her
products and it wasn’t just an issue literally can save a woman or girl’s professors provided and the access
with me,” she said. “I noticed that all life by doing so,” she said to free legal counseling.
the poor women, women with a low In March 2018, Al-Hatimy reg- “I’m very disruptive in my entre-
socio-economic status, weren’t able istered FemCare as an official non- preneurship. I love going against the
to afford these products so they were profit organization. grain. I love upsetting people’s para-
using cotton pads. They’d buy rolls of “We’re not just trying to get prod- digms. I like being controversial,
cotton and just cut them up and use ucts for homeless women, we’re also because I think that’s the only way
that, which is extremely unhygienic.” trying to rewrite the narrative around that we can actually get real change
In March of 2015, in honour of menstruation,” she said, adding she going,”she said.
International Women’s Month, Al- wants to go global and make policy “By breaking the stigma we can
Hatimy took to Facebook seeking changes, it’s still a “taboo subject.” transform our communities and
help to organize a free menstrual Al-Hatimy lives with multiple transform people, help uplift peo-
products drive for women who are health conditions such as endo- ple, and give people hope in a time
experiencing homelessness. She re- metriosis—a disorder that causes of despair.”

Where to access free legal services on campus


By Lidia Abraha

If you’ve found yourself seeking le-


gal advice, you’re in luck. Ryerson
students can request legal guidance
from various services on campus
that cover a wide range of matters
relating to the law.
The RSU’s Lawyer
Bill Reid has been working with
Canadian student unions for almost
20 years.
Reid and his team assist students
with a wide array of legal issues,
such as landlord and tenant con-
flicts, debt problems, immigration
and accident cases as well as other
government matters. Ryerson offers various free legal services for students to keep your pockets full of cash
Reid is on campus every Tuesday and your scale balanced. So get your justice! PHOTO: SAMANTHA MOYA
and Friday for appointments, which
can be booked through the Ryer- Even though representation in being supervised by department
son Students’ Union (RSU) website. court is out of the clinic’s scope, they staff, faculty members and lawyers
There is no cost or additional fees provide advice on how to deal with from the various firms.
for his services. matters such as being laid off, be- Rick Moscone is a lawyer at the
Monthly Night Clinic ing sued or injured due to someone Law & Business Clinic who primar-
The legal clinic offers free legal else’s negligence. ily deals with start up companies
advice relating to business, contract, To make an appointment, you from various Ryerson zones. One of
employment and labour law. need to email the clinic in advance his most interesting cases involved
The Monthly Night Clinic is open and also be prepared to provide nec- a start-up company that had four
once a month and offers advice to essary documents. founders, but as the corporation be-
full-time and part-time Ryerson Law & Business Clinic gan to develop, only one remained.
students, Chang School learners This clinic focuses on providing “It was a good real-life example
and anyone involved with Ryerson’s assistance to clients seeking answers for the students about the life-cycle
learning zones. and guidance to legal matters related of a lot of start-up businesses. We
“Unfortunately, legal represen- to entrepreneurship. typically only hear about the glam-
tation is not very accessible to Clients are selected during the orous successful start-up stories.
students due to its high associated summer and will be represented But this example is probably more
costs,” said the clinic’s director Pni- throughout the school year by law common in real life,” said Moscone.
na Alon-Shenker. and business major students, while With files from Alanna Rizza
FUN 11

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

Local woman misuses a cat carrier on TTC A word from the


There are moments that define how much we risk to find a lost cat on the subway, these are those moments Fun editor
By Izabella Balcerzak iar environments. They selfishly fed side of the pathway and crouched ride went on as usual. Then “shit hit What’s up, nerds??? It is I, Nathaniel
off of my misery and the bits of plas- down to fish for my preloaded the fan”–figuratively speaking, of Crouch, your friendly neighbour-
Commuting via subway to school ter hanging from the ceiling. Presto card that was buried deep in course. Just as we were approach- hood fun editor. I hope everyone
isn’t easy. If it’s rush hour, you’re Unable to continue my murder- my backpack. As I stood back up, ing the next station, the front door is going to have a great Halloween
fighting with crowds of people in an ous rage each night, I had a pest I heard the sound of my favourite to my cat’s cage unhinged, and he night and a lovely subsequent six
un-air-conditioned vessel with that control visit scheduled at 9 a.m. the black pants tearing down the seam leapt as fast as his little paws could days of getting their holiday funk
uncanny smell of some decomposed following week. I rushed to gather near my crotch area. take him. on. This week’s contest is going to
food that shouldn’t be there in the my things for the day, which includ- I thought things like this only I yelled, “MY CAT!” and ran down be a little different from the puns
first place. Adding your cat to this ed packing up my cat to drop off at a happened in the movies. the aisle, squeezing in between sur- and sudoku that usually fill this
equation can only mean a fun time— friend’s house near campus. Not wanting to look defeated, I prised commuters. spot. In terms of holidays, October
trust me. Quickly realizing that has got Halloween and December
In the span of about the best way to find has approximately 94 others, but
15 minutes on what a cat is to think like a November doesn’t get shit. If you
should have been a cat, I went down on my were to create a holiday to celebrate
typically uneventful knees, cooing “Bunny, in November what would it be? Ev-
October day, I was sur- Bunny, Bunny” every eryone who writes an entry will
rounded by shocked few minutes. be entered in a raffle to win a $25
commuters all head- After crawling for Metro gift card. Just rip out this
ing towards Dundas what felt like miles, I part of the paper and leave it on
station with my pants found my scared cat the second floor of the SCC right
torn and my cat loose, meowing under the in front of The Eyeopener office in
crawling on my knees seats. Hearing Dun- the X-Men-covered and appropri-
like a lunatic. das station being called ately named Box of Destiny. Stay
How did I get here? next, I dragged him out responsibly spooky Ryerson and do
Like any good horror, from underneath and enjoy the first week of November
this story begins with held him one-handed even though we all know we just
cockroaches. like a toddler. I couldn’t want December.
I’d been living in an stop laughing. The oth-
older part of Toronto er option was to cry,
for three years where
my roommates included
and I didn’t have time
for that. Holiday:
people from Turkey, PHOTO: DEANNA KRUEGER Leaving the train sta-
Iran and pests from un- tion with a gaping hole
der the kitchen sink. We all lived The vessel was a rusty cat car- picked up my cat’s cage and strode down my thigh, a broken cat cage
in peaceful harmony until a metre-
long crack in the living room ceiling
rier that had a few screws missing
and the top and bottom duct-taped
towards the entrance. Reaching the and my cat in my arms, I figured life
gates, I began to tap my $50 preload- was full of unexpected surprises. It’s Name:
appeared and the contractors came together. My domicile cat—named ed card. “Declined, Declined, De- a telltale sign that adventures are
in to repair it by dramatically rip- Bunny by his eccentric previous clined” rang tauntingly in my ears. endless; for humans and cats alike.
ping it open. owners­­—wasn’t too happy about Confused, I tried my luck instead You never know what might hap-
Historically, cockroaches are
known to survive atomic bombs, so
leaving the burrow in this first-class
Dreamliner cruise.
with a token, which meant entering pen the next time you take the sub-
the station 100 metres north. “Exer- way to class. You just might run into Email:
the mess that was my life drew the As I trudged a block towards the cise is good for you,” I thought. my cat. Please tell him that the Bal-
creepy-crawlies even more to famil- subway station, I stopped on the The next ten minutes of my subway cerzaks send their regards.

Ryerson enacts martial law against skateboarding epidemic

By Zachary Roman Beanie is layman’s terms for a hat If traditional methods like shouting owners claiming foul play. walking on Gould Street at under 20
skateboarders refer to as “small hats”. matches that annoy everyone in a “It’s just a bare massive massacre out km/h, so collisions and failed ollies
Toronto skateboarders are terri- Boro was skateboarding at the three-block radius don’t work, semi- there,” said Zack Woods, a Brampton happen every 20 seconds.”
fied and outraged after Ryerson corner of Victoria and Gould streets. aggressive force is authorized.” mans who commutes downtown to Leaked Ryerson internal docu-
University enacted martial law on Known as Lake Devo, it is a popular Security has wasted no time in skate. “The other day I saw mainte- ments show that last year, the school
campus this Wednesday. “I was just skateboard hangout. using martial law to its full effect. nance carrying away burnt and bro- hired a team of scientologists to kid-
smoking a dart and practising my “We just dig it ‘cause the pave- “Before, the only sense of power I ken up footwagons in one of those nap skateboarders and extract their
ollies when two Ryerson security ment is smoother than a menthol got from this job was refusing to an- weird blue garbage carts.” brains for study.
guards tackled me,” said Carl Boro, cig y’know?” said B. Elmont, a sev- swer student questions,” said Hugh Local students that don’t skate, President Lachemi denied this
a 26-year-old gas station attendant enth-year political science student. Jeego, a 56-year-old Paul Blart wan- nicknamed “students without a study and any kidnapping and brain-
and avid skateboarder. “Toronto is such a small city, there nabe on the Ryerson security team. Thrasher sweater,” have been more extracting of boarders, saying “nope”
These new rules allow security to is absolutely nowhere else we can “Now I can finally show these skat- or less complete bystanders in the in a formal interview.
remove a skateboarder in the mid- board other than this street corner.” ers who’s boss.” ongoing turmoil between security Ryerson has not yet confirmed
dle of a sick kick flip without cause In an official statement, Ryerson Since Ryerson began enact- and skateboarders. when or if they will lift new regula-
and detain a board engaged in any President Mohamed Lachemi said ing the new law, 11 students have “I don’t know, does it even re- tions on campus. Until they do, The
“rad” behaviour. “Ryerson security is now permitted been called “lame ass wieners” and ally matter?” said first-year student Eye recommends that all skaters and
“They just sent me to the ground to use any means necessary to re- five boards have gone missing un- Glock Bourne. “The skateboarders longboarders stay away from Lake
and stomped on my new beanie.” move skateboarders from Lake Devo. der mysterious circumstances with are only really a danger if you’re Devo at all costs.
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