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SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

SUBMISSION PACKET

WRITTEN BY

GREG OTT

Greg Ott c/o


Paonessa Talent Agency
1512 N. Fremont Suite 105
Chicago, IL 60642
773-360-8749
marisa@paonessatalent.com
NOTAGAIN (FILMED) 1

NOTAGAIN (FILMED)

AIDY
BECK
CECILY
CHRIS
HEIDI
KATE
KYLE

(OPEN ON: AN OUTDOOR CAFE. AIDY AND CHRIS ARE SEATED,


DRINKING COFFEE.)

CHRIS

We’re the only country where

mass shootings happen on a

regular basis.

(CUT TO: A SUBURBAN KITCHEN.


KATE IS UNPACKING GROCERIES.)

KATE

There have been 154 mass

shootings in 2018 alone.

Something needs to change.

(CUT TO: A SPORT UTILITY


VEHICLE. KYLE IS SITTING IN
TRAFFIC.)

KYLE

But this country lacks the

willpower to have a rational

+
NOTAGAIN (FILMED) 2

discussion about changing gun

laws.

(CUT TO: HEIDI STANDING


OUTSIDE OF A BUSY OFFICE
BUILDING.)

HEIDI

Isn’t there anything we can

do?

CECILY (V.O.)

Here, try this.

(A HAND APPEARS FROM OFFSCREEN


AND HANDS HEIDI A PRESCRIPTION
BOX OF NOTAGAIN.)

HEIDI

Notagain?

CECILY (V.O.)

One-hour Notagain helps

suppress your natural urge for

action on gun violence until

the next major tragedy.

(CUT TO: AN OUTDOOR CAFE.


CHRIS, VERY FRUSTRATED, IS
SHARING HIS OPINIONS WITH
AIDY.)

+
NOTAGAIN (FILMED) 3

CECILY (V.O.)

Once you’ve taken Notagain,

you’ll go back to realizing

that despite your best

intentions, this country lacks

the political will to do

anything about gun violence.

(CLOCK WIPE TO: “ONE HOUR


LATER.” CHRIS, NOW SUBDUED,
SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.)

(SUPER ADDA: AN ANIMATION OF


THE BRAIN. THE BRAIN BEGINS TO
VIBRATE. AFTER THE DRUG ENTERS
THE SYSTEM, A FINGER FLICKS A
MUTE SWITCH ON THE SIDE OF THE
BRAIN. THE BRAIN STOPS
VIBRATING.)

CECILY (V.O.)

Notagain targets the logical

part of your brain that

correctly identifies that it’s

time for something to change

and mutes it.

(CUT TO: A SUBURBAN LIVING


ROOM. KATE AND BECK ARE
WATCHING NEWS FOOTAGE OF
POLICE CARS ON TV.)

+
NOTAGAIN (FILMED) 4

KATE

In Australia, they passed

massive gun reforms...

(BECK HANDS KATE A BOX OF


NOTAGAIN.)

CECILY (V.O.)

Notagain, unlike the people

who could take steps towards

keeping things like this from

happening, is fast-acting.

(CLOCK WIPE TO: “ONE HOUR


LATER.”)

KATE

But, you know, that’s

Australia.

(CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF A BUSY


OFFICE BUILDING WITH HEIDI.)

HEIDI

This is insane. Most people

want things like background

checks, and bans on assault

rifles, and we should...

(CLOCK WIPE TO: MID-THOUGHT,


NOTAGAIN KICKS IN, CHANGING
HEIDI’S DEMEANOR.)

+
NOTAGAIN (FILMED) 5

HEIDI

Pray, I guess.

(CUT TO: A SPORT UTILITY


VEHICLE. KYLE IS CRYING.)

CECILY (V.O.)

Stay angry and paralyzed with

Notagain.

(CLOCK WIPE TO: KYLE,


EMOTIONALLY DRAINED, STARING
OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.)

(CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF THE


NOTAGAIN PRESCRIPTION BOX.)

CECILY (V.O.)

Notagain: approved by the NRA

and endorsed by the Trump

Administration, Obama

Administration, Bush

Administration, Clinton

Administration...

(OUT)

+
PASSWORD 1

PASSWORD

AIDY
PETE

(OPEN ON: A KITCHEN. PETE, SITTING WITH HIS LAPTOP AT A


KITCHEN TABLE, DIALS A NUMBER ON HIS CELL PHONE. AS THE PHONE
RINGS, A SPLIT SCREEN APPEARS AS AIDY, A CALL CENTER
REPRESENTATIVE, ANSWERS HER PHONE.)

AIDY

Thank you for calling Charter,

the cable company recently

ranked #1 -- as the country’s

worst. This is Courtney, how

may I help you?

PETE

Hey, sorry to bother you. I’m

trying to get into my account

by can’t remember my password.

Can you help?

AIDY

Of course. We just need to

verify some personal

information in order to unlock

your account.

+
PASSWORD 2

PETE

Great. I’d really like to get

into my account. It’s why I

signed up for one.

AIDY

Okay. What’s your name?

PETE

It’s Dennis Archer. That’s D-E-

N-N-I-Z, with an S, and

Archer, spelled like it sounds

but different and longer.

AIDY

And your username?

PETE

BringBackRoseanne. 69.

AIDY

Okay, Mr. Archer. In order to

get into your account, you’ll

need to verify some answers to

your security questions. What

city were you born in?

PETE

Detroit.

+
PASSWORD 3

AIDY

Correct. What’s your favorite

color?

PETE

Blue.

AIDY

Yep. And what was the name of

your first kiss?

PETE

Vice Principal.

AIDY

Excuse me?

PETE

Vice Principal Dennis Archer,

Sr. He’s my dad and the vice

principal. I was homeschooled.

AIDY

Sorry. That’s not correct.

PETE

Don’t be sorry. We got to kiss

the vice principal at my

school. And the principal.

+
PASSWORD 4

AIDY

Who was the principal?

PETE

All of my uncles.

AIDY

Okay, let’s just skip that

question and try something

else. What was your college

mascot?

PETE

Hmm. I went to school in

Washington and my team was the

Redskins. I know: a potato.

AIDY

Correct. What’s your favorite

food?

PETE

Ass.

(PAUSE.)

Ass.

(PAUSE. PETE LOOKS AT HIS


PHONE AND YELLS INTO THE
RECEIVER.)

Hello? Hello? Ass.

+
PASSWORD 5

AIDY

It’s not ass.

PETE

It’s not?

AIDY

Nope.

PETE

And the question was, what is

your favorite food?

AIDY

Correct.

PETE

Hmm. She asked me my favorite

food and the answer wasn’t

ass. Oh: Doritos Locos Taco.

AIDY

That is correct.

PETE

Nice! I’m on a roll here.

Let’s fire off a bunch.

AIDY

What city did you meet your

spouse?

+
PASSWORD 6

PETE

Jurassic Park.

AIDY

Who was your first crush?

PETE

Regis Philbin.

AIDY

What’s updog?

PETE

Not much, what’s up with you?

AIDY

What street did you grow up

on?

PETE

Answer my question first.

AIDY

I’m just at work.

PETE

Me too.

AIDY

Where do you work?

PETE

This isn’t about me.

+
PASSWORD 7

AIDY

What street did you grow up

on?

PETE

Meryl Streep.

AIDY

What is your password?

PETE

CosbyIsInnocent, but the Is

are ones, and Cosby is spelled

George Zimmerman.

AIDY

That is correct! All right,

Mr. Archer, you now have

access to your account. Is

there anything else I can help

you with?

PETE

Finally! Yes. I’d like to

cancel my account.

(OUT)

+
COAL MINERS 1

COAL MINERS

ALEX
COLIN
LUKE
MICHAEL

(OPEN ON: WEEKEND UPDATE.)

COLIN

In light of Scott Pruitt’s

resignation, Andrew Wheeler

has become head of the

Environmental Protection

Agency. And while many are

relieved that Pruitt’s scandal-

ridden tenure is over, some

are concerned that Wheeler

will continue to pursue

policies that could cause long-

term damage to the

environment. Here to respond

is Andrew Wheeler.

(ALEX AND LUKE, TWO COAL


MINERS WEARING HARD HATS,
OVERALLS, AND COVERED IN BLACK
COAL DUST, ENTER. ALEX HOLDS A
WHITE BOX WRAPPED WITH A BOW.
LUKE BLOWS INTO A PITCH PIPE.
THEY SING A LOUSY TUNE.)

+
COAL MINERS 2

LUKE

What keeps the heat on?

ALEX

Coal!

LUKE

What keeps the light on?

ALEX

Coal!

LUKE

What’s the best way to...

(ALEX AND LUKE COUGH LIKE


CRAZY. THEY PASS A FLASK BACK
AND FORTH TO CLEAR THEIR
THROATS. ALEX OFFERS THE FLASK
TO COLIN.)

COLIN

No, thank you. I’m sorry, who

are you?

LUKE

I’m Derek, and that’s Bones.

We’re fifth-generation West

Virginia coal miners.

ALEX

We’re the oldest living

generation, too. Born in ‘88.

+
COAL MINERS 3

COLIN

What are you doing here? We’re

supposed to talk to Andrew

Wheeler.

ALEX

Mr. Wheeler couldn’t make it

tonight so he sent us instead.

LUKE

He had some “offshore

drilling” to attend to, if you

know what I mean.

(ALEX AND LUKE EACH MAKE SEX


GESTURES, STICKING THEIR
FINGERS IN AND OUT OF EACH
OTHER’S FISTS.)

COLIN

Yeah, I know what you mean.

ALEX

It’s a sex thing.

COLIN

I get it. We all get it. Why

did he send the two of you?

+
COAL MINERS 4

ALEX

He thought we could clear up

some misconceptions about

what’s going on at the EPA.

LUKE

As far as we can tell from the

bottom of a mineshaft, we’re

pretty sure the sun still

works, and the air’s filled

with all sorts of fun little

particles that make you want

to pass out.

COLIN

That doesn’t sound good.

ALEX

It’s actually great. That’s

why it’s called EPA:

everything’s pretty...

(ALEX AND LUKE COUGH LIKE


CRAZY. THEY SPEAK THROUGH
THEIR COUGHING.)

LUKE

Pretty awesome.

+
COAL MINERS 5

ALEX

Everything’s pretty awesome.

(THEY PASS A FLASK BACK AND


FORTH TO CLEAR THEIR THROATS.
LUKE REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE
TO OFFER THE FLASK TO COLIN.)

COLIN

You sound terrible.

LUKE

Shh. Shh. Here.

COLIN

What’s this?

ALEX

We brought you a gift.

(ALEX PASSES COLIN THE WHITE


BOX. COLIN OPENS IT. THE BOX
IS FULL OF COAL.)

COLIN

Well, that’s very sweet. He

didn’t have to... what is

this? Coal?

ALEX

Yep! We busted our asses

getting that out of the ground

and we hope you enjoy it.

+
COAL MINERS 6

LUKE

It’s none of that clean coal

garbage, either.

ALEX

It’s dirty as hell.

COLIN

What am I supposed to do with

this?

(COLIN LOOKS THROUGH THE BOX


AND SLIDES IT TO MICHAEL.)

LUKE

You can do anything! Drop it

off at a power plant...

ALEX

Put it inside of a pencil...

LUKE

Hold onto some for twenty,

thirty years, turn it into a

diamond.

ALEX

Maybe give it to your wife.

LUKE

Or husband.

+
COAL MINERS 7

(MICHAEL PULLS A DEAD BLACK-


AND-YELLOW BIRD OUT OF THE
BOX.)

MICHAEL

Is this a dead bird?

ALEX

Oh, god! That’s not supposed

to be in there.

LUKE

That bird’d supposed to let us

know we’ve got to warm the

Foreman.

MICHAEL

Do you mean warn the foreman?

LUKE

No, I don’t. Those little

bastards are drop like flies

down there so we throw ‘em on

our George Foreman Grill.

ALEX

The coal acts as a dry rub.

LUKE

We gotta get back down there.

+
COAL MINERS 8

COLIN

You should not be going back

into the coal mine! And if

birds are dying because the

air quality is so bad, doesn’t

that mean that these policies

really aren’t protecting the

environment?

ALEX

I don’t think Mr. Wheeler’s

all that concerned with

protection, if you know what I

mean.

(ALEX AND LUKE EACH MAKE SEX


GESTURES, STICKING THEIR
FINGERS IN AND OUT OF EACH
OTHER’S FISTS.)

COLIN

A couple of coal miners,

everybody.

(ALEX AND LUKE COUGH LIKE


CRAZY AND WHEEL OFF.)

(OUT)

+
YULE LOG 1

YULE LOG

AIDY
ALEX
BECK
CHRIS
KYLE
PETE

(OPEN ON: “DIRECTORS IN LIVE FILM” TV SHOW GRAPHIC AND THEME


MUSIC. BECK, THE HOST, AND ALEX, A FILM DIRECTOR, ARE SEATED
IN THE STUDIO.)

BECK

Good evening. I’m Adam

Penisimplant, and you’re

watching “Directors in Live

Film.” Tonight, we’re joined

by acclaimed director Rory

Evans Cloud. Rory, thank you

for being a DILF.

ALEX

The pleasure is always mine.

BECK

Rory, your body of holiday

films is second to none. “The

Magic Snowball,” “Santa Can’t

Read,” “Frosty in Vietnam.”

The list keeps going.

+
YULE LOG 2

ALEX

That’s why it’s called a list,

Adam.

BECK

But the film we must start

with is your 2008 classic,

adored by nearly every man,

woman, and animal across the

world. I believe we have a

clip.

(CUT TO: A CLIP FROM A GENERIC


HOLIDAY YULE LOG VIDEO WITH A
YULE LOG BURNING IN A
FIREPLACE.)

BECK

That, of course, was taken

from your 2008 direct-to-

YouTube classic, “Crackling

Yule Log Fireplace 10 Hours.”

Where did you find the

inspiration for this film?

ALEX

For years, I tried fooling

people into thinking my

+
YULE LOG 3

television was actually a

fireplace. And after setting

what must have been thousands

of TVs on fire, I reversed the

equation.

BECK

You, of course, followed this

up with a sequel.

(CUT TO: A CLIP FROM A GENERIC


HOLIDAY YULE LOG VIDEO WITH A
YULE LOG BURNING IN A
FIREPLACE AND ANIMALS RUNNING
AROUND IN FRONT OF IT.)

BECK

That’s a clip from your 2015

Hallmark Channel Film, “A Very

Happy Yule Log,” featuring

Happy the Dog and Happy the

Cat. What was it like working

with such adorable co-stars?

ALEX

The cat had to be put down

after it was bit by a raccoon,

+
YULE LOG 4

and the dog took a dump under

the Christmas tree.

BECK

Fascinating. What’s next for

Rory Evans Cloud? Can we

expect “Yule Log in Space,” or

something involving the

Minions?

ALEX

Actually, I was hoping to

venture out into new

territory. Just recently, I

was working with Brett Ratner

and The Weinstein Company to

develop a feature starring

Bill Cosby, Louis C.K., and

Kevin Spacey. But for some

reason, all of these people

suddenly became unavailable.

So, I went back to the drawing

board and came up with this

instead.

+
YULE LOG 5

(CUT TO: THE FIRST CLIP FROM


THE GENERIC HOLIDAY YULE LOG
VIDEO WITH A YULE LOG BURNING
IN A FIREPLACE.)

ALEX

From what I understand, most

movies featuring men are just

going to have to look like

that for a while.

BECK

Fascinating. Before we go, I

understand you’ve been

commissioned to create a stage

adaptation of your work.

ALEX

That’s right. It’s about to

head to Broadway, and tonight,

I’d like to treat your

audience to a sneak preview.

BECK

We leave you with an excerpt

from “Yule Log Live.” For

“Directors in Live Film,” I’m

Adam Penisimplant. Goodnight.

+
YULE LOG 6

(AIDY, KYLE, AND PETE, DRESSED


AS LOGS, AND CHRIS, DRESSED AS
A FLAME, ENTER. THEY BOW.)

(AIDY, KYLE, AND PETE FORM A


PILE. CHRIS STANDS OVER THEM
AND FLAILS AROUND LIKE A
FLAME. BECK AND ALEX WATCH AS
THE LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE.)

(OUT)

+
DOLPHIN BOY 1

DOLPHIN BOY

HEIDI
KENAN
KYLE
LESLIE
MELISSA
MIKEY

(OPEN ON: A PRESS GATHERING. MIKEY, AN AUTHOR, STANDS AT A


PODIUM WITH A GOLD MEDAL AROUND HIS NECK. HEIDI STANDS BEHIND
HIM. AMONG THE CROWD, KENAN, KYLE, LESLIE, AND MELISSA ARE
SEATED. KENAN IS DRESSED LIKE SOMEONE WHO WENT TO A THRIFT
STORE AND PICKED OUT WHAT A SCIENTIST WOULD WEAR.)

MIKEY

And that’s why, with just a

little more research,

appendicitis won’t just be a

thing of the past -- it’ll be

a thing of the future.

(EVERYBODY APPLAUDS. HEIDI


APPROACHES THE PODIUM.)

HEIDI

Fascinating, Dr. Wilson. It’s

clear your book will prove to

be an important...

(THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN. KENAN


SLOWLY CLAPS SARCASTICALLY.)

Excuse me, sir. Is there a

problem?

+
DOLPHIN BOY 2

KENAN

As a matter of fact, there is.

(KENAN STANDS UP AND


APPROACHES THE PODIUM.)

Good afternoon, ladies and

gentlemen. My name is Dr. Evan

Braxton and I’m here to

nominate myself for the Nobel

Prize in Science.

HEIDI

This is a gathering for the

Nobel Prize in Literature, and

we’ve already chosen a winner.

KENAN

Sit down your ass!

(HEIDI AND MIKEY SIT DOWN.)

I am an amateur zoologist, an

amateur oceanographer, and a

professional pornographer, and

I’ve solved the age old

question on the minds of each

and every one of you in this

room: are dolphins human?

+
DOLPHIN BOY 3

LESLIE

They’re not. They’re dolphins.

KENAN

Are they?

LESLIE

Yes.

KENAN

Are they really?

LESLIE

Yes.

KENAN

You’re telling me that

dolphins are?

LESLIE

Dolphins.

KENAN

Interesting. If that’s the

case, then why is there a

dolphin sitting among you

right now?

(KYLE STANDS UP, TIPS HIS HAT,


AND BOWS.)

Introducing my submission for

+
DOLPHIN BOY 4

this year’s Nobel Prize: the

Dolphin Boy.

(KYLE PUTS HIS HAND ON HIS


HEAD LIKE IT’S A FIN AND MAKES
HIS WAY TO THE PODIUM. HE USES
THE SAME HAND TO GESTURE TO
THE ROOM LIKE A CAR SALESMAN
SHOWING OFF A CAR.)

The Dolphin Boy is a half-

human, half-dolphin hybrid.

The perfect blend of ocean and

earth, like four pieces of

deep-fried shrimp alongside an

eight ounce ribeye steak and

your choice of two sides. I’m

sure you have many questions,

but let me ask the first: is

this a cash prize or is it

paid out in installments?

(MELISSA RAISES HER HAND.)

Yes, you.

MELISSA

Are you saying this man is

part dolphin?

+
DOLPHIN BOY 5

KENAN

Ah, not a man, a boy. He’s

only 18 years old. That’s 100

in dog years, but in dolphin

years, it’s less than 20.

(HEIDI RAISES HER HAND.)

Yes, you, again.

HEIDI

How does this prove that this

person is half-dolphin?

KENAN

Most dolphins communicate

using some sort of dolphin

language, but not Dolphin Boy.

He’s learned American English.

KYLE

Zaxby’s Chicken. Popeye’s

Chicken. Kentucky Fried

Chicken. Chick-fil-a...

MELISSA

Why are you calling this

person naming chicken

restaurants a dolphin?

+
DOLPHIN BOY 6

KENAN

Just like human beings,

dolphins are conscious.

Dolphin Boy, are you

conscious?

KYLE

I am.

KENAN

And just like dolphins, he

likes water. Dolphin Boy, are

you thirsty?

(KENAN HANDS KYLE BOTTLED


WATER.)

KYLE

I’m not, but I could be later.

KENAN

The yin and the yang. Now,

where is my money?

(LESLIE RAISES HER HAND. KYLE


UNWRAPS A MINT AND CHECKS HIS
PHONE.)

Yes, the banker, I presume.

+
DOLPHIN BOY 7

LESLIE

He’s not even behaving like a

dolphin. He’s eating candy and

checking his phone.

KENAN

I’ve saved the best for last.

As we all know, dolphins enjoy

sexual intercourse. In the

interest of science, he is

willing and able to have sex

with each and every one of you

in this room, as time permits.

(KYLE HOLDS UP HIS PHONE.)

KYLE

I just bought a ticket to a

feature film and I’d hate to

miss the coming attractions.

HEIDI

This is disgusting.

KENAN

Excuse me? Are you suggesting

that I’m lying to you? That I

found a horny young man to

+
DOLPHIN BOY 8

help me create an elaborate

story to fool the Nobel Prize

into giving me money? Shame on

you, New York Times, and shame

on you, Cable News Network.

MELISSA

We don’t work for the news.

We’re the author’s family.

KENAN

Then shame on Alfred Nobel.

(KYLE BEGINS TO CRY. KENAN


SLOWLY LEADS HIM OFF TO EXIT.
THEY STOP.)

Look what you’ve done. I

thought society had grown to a

point where we could accept

people for who they are. Half

dolphin, half man. What’s the

difference? Even if he’s all

dolphin and no man? Or all man

and no dolphin? Or two thirds

here, a third over here, a

couple of eights, a fifteenth,

+
DOLPHIN BOY 9

a ninth, a seventh, three-

sixths, nine-twenty-seconds, a

fourth? Who are we to judge?

(EVERYONE FREEZES IN TABLEAU.


MIKEY STANDS UP AND DIRECTLY
ADDRESSES THE CAMERA.)

MIKEY

At that moment I realized the

true meaning of science. It’s

not about research; it’s not

about the scientific method.

It’s about believing in

someone, or something, no

matter if you’re right or

wrong.

(MIKEY REMOVES HIS GOLD MEDAL


AND PLACES IT OVER KYLE’S
NECK.)

I gave up my Nobel Prize that

day. It wasn’t because the

Dolphin Boy was indeed not a

dolphin but a horny young man.

(MIKEY GESTURES TO MELISSA.)

+
DOLPHIN BOY 10

It wasn’t because my daughter,

Megan, resented me.

(MIKEY GESTURES TO LESLIE.)

It wasn’t because my wife,

Megan, never believed in me.

(MIKEY GESTURES TO HEIDI.)

It wasn’t because the chair of

the Nobel Committee, Megan,

was jealous of my work.

(MIKEY GESTURES TO KENAN.)

And it wasn’t because Dr.

Braxton was not a professional

pornographer, but indeed an

amateur pornographer.

(MIKEY GESTURES TO HIMSELF.)

No. It was because I had

plagiarized my entire book.

This very book you’ve been

reading all along. The end.

(SUPER ADDA: THE SCENE TURNS


INTO A PAGE FROM A BOOK. THE
BOOK CLOSES.)

(OUT)