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BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA:

THE MUSICAL

A “PLAY” WITH “SONGS” IN ONE LONG ACT

WRITTEN BY

GREG OTT

Greg Ott

1550 N LaSalle #8

Chicago, IL 60610

248 431 7009

greg.ott@me.com
CAST OF CHARACTERS

NARRATOR, the man explains the story


MIKEY, a leading young man
THE KID, kind of schlubby
BLAZE, loves Phish and eating ass
FRANK BUTTAFUOCO, an authentic Italian restauranteur
MAMA BUTTAFUOCO, an authentic Italian mother
THE LANDLORD, that classic piece of shit
THE LANDLORD’S WIFE, The Landlord’s wife
ALISON, a young woman of repute
TRACEY, an officer of the law
HEALTH INSPECTOR, the health inspector

SETTING

In and around Buttafuoco’s Pizza in a small suburban town


sometime in the early ‘90s.
1 INT. RESTAURANT - AUTHENTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT 1

NARRATOR *
Hello, and welcome to The Annoyance *
Theatre and Bar. Tonight’s show is *
“Big Sausage Pizza,” a musical *
inspired by a real series of adult *
movies, and it will run for about *
an hour. There are two restrooms *
out the door towards your left, *
which also serves as a fire exit, *
and it’s never rude to order *
another drink from our waitstaff. *
*
In its own words, Big Sausage *
Pizza.com is, quote, “a real *
amateur porn site with great big *
dick sex videos of real sex with *
real women. Reality porn at its *
best can be downloaded at Big *
Sausage Pizza, where pizza sex and *
pizza porn videos are our *
specialty.” *

In each video, a delivery guy *


arrives at a house, places himself *
inside the pizza, and performs *
consensual sex through a hole in *
the box. *

Big Sausage Pizza was brought to *


the Internet by the Reality Gang, *
the makers of other real adult *
websites such as All Wives *
Cheat.com, Teen Hitchhikers.com, *
and Your Mom’s Ass Is Tight.com. *

Reality Gang’s slogan is “reality *


at its best.” Big Sausage Pizza’s *
slogan is “every pizza include a *
big sausage, whether you ordered it *
or not.” *
*
As Christians, we’re taught to take *
people at their word. If all of *
this is true, and all of this is *
real, and these videos feature real *
delivery guys having real big dick *
sex with real women, who came up *
with this idea? And why? *

Lights up at in the kitchen of BUTTAFUOCO’s, a classic


Italian restaurant. THE KID points a camera at MIKEY. *
FINAL REVISION 2.

NARRATOR (CONT’D) *
It all started at a small Italian *
restaurant in the early 1990s. The *
only employee who seemed to give a *
shit about the place was, Mikey, a *
nice enough guy who was just trying *
to shoot a training video. *

MIKEY
If you close your eyes and think of
Italy, what’s the first that comes
to your mind?

THE KID
I can’t see. *

NARRATOR *
He got the video camera from The *
Kid, some high school student in *
the AV club. They told him the *
restaurant had a work study program *
so they wouldn’t have to pay him. *
He’ll figure it out when he’s a *
senior. *

MIKEY *
Let’s try that again. When you *
think of Italy, what’s the first *
that comes to your mind? *

THE KID
They sided with Hitler in World War
II. *

A toilet flushes. BLAZE comes out of the bathroom with a *


plate full of pasta. He sets a can of Lysol on the edge of
the stage.

MIKEY
Did you wash your hands?

BLAZE
Fuck you.

BLAZE gives the pasta to a table in the audience. He lights


up a joint and exits the house.

NARRATOR *
That’s Blaze. He was, by far, the *
best and most requested delivery *
driver in the restaurant. He could *
rub people the wrong way, deep *
down, he seemed like a really *
great... *
FINAL REVISION 3.

BLAZE
Fuck you.

He lights up a joint and exits the house. FRANK BUTTAFUOCO,


the manager of BUTTAFUOCO’s, enters with a small pizza.

FRANK
Has anyone seen the Lysol? Some
yuppie claims he’s allergic to
gluten and I promised he wouldn’t
taste any.

FRANK sprays the pizza with Lysol.

NARRATOR *
That’s Frank, the manager. Some say *
he was named after Sinatra; others
say Vienna Beef.

MIKEY
Hey Frank, we’re making a training
video. Any advice?

FRANK
Never marry for love.

FRANK goes into the bathroom. MAMA, with the aid of a walker
with tennis balls, enters.

NARRATOR *
And finally, the proud matriarch of *
her proud family: Mama Buttafuoco. *

MAMA *
I’m-a not-a proud of everyone. *

MIKEY *
We’re making a video for the
restaurant, Mama. Anything you’d
like to say?

MAMA
I sided with the Axis.

THE KID
I told you! *

MIKEY
People are going to see this video
in the future, Mama. Maybe you’d
like to say something about this
restaurant’s story? *

SONG #1: AUTHENTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT


4.

MAMA
I came to these United States
Thanks to my green card, and
Used my country’s recipes
It was really hard, and
If you don’t like homemade food,
Then I beg your pardon,
It’s Italian cuisine
Not The Olive Garden

FRANK exits the bathroom, spraying his hands with Lysol.

FRANK
All the food in our kitchen
Is made from scratch
We don’t microwave lasagna
We make freshest-a-batch
If you don’t have the patience
We might not be a match
Stay at home and make some Stouffer’s
If you’re short on cash

BLAZE enters from the back, carrying two menus. ALL break out
into song.

ALL
We’re an authentic Italian restaurant
You can tell we’re authentic by our menu’s font
Canollis, mustaches, wine, and Andes mints
Or bruschetta, or whatever else you want!

MIKEY
It’s great to be alive
In 1991
And working at a pizza place
Is really fun
Although my blood’s not Italian,
It’s in my heart
To offer pizza by the box
Or slices ala carte

BLAZE
Everyone knows that I’m the king
Of delivery
Though my license is invalid
Says the DMV
They don’t do background checks,
This fuckin’ family
Not bad for a convicted felon
Who flunked his GED

THE KID
I...
5.

I...
I...
I’m a minor character

ALL
At an authentic Italian restaurant
You can tell we’re authentic by our menu’s font
Canollis, mustaches, wine, and Andes mints
Or bruschetta, or whatever else you want!

We’ve been in this same location fifty years


Our food literally contains our blood, sweat, and tears

FRANK
Between our quality location

MAMA
And our sterling reputation

ALL
We’re not going anywhere, no way!
We’re not going anywhere, no way!

END SONG

FRANK
You’re all fired.

BLAZE
All right.

ALL go to exit. BLAZE goes into the bathroom.

MIKEY
Wait, wait. Stop filming.

THE KID
Altman wouldn’t.

FRANK
Our rent’s going up in thirty days
and I can’t afford it.

MIKEY
Can’t you try to get an extension?

FRANK
I tried, but they only had pony
tails. The landlord’s already found
a new tenant. It’s time to say
goodbye to This Country’s Best
Gelato. Say hello to This Country’s
Best Yogurt.
6.

MIKEY
What about our jobs?

FRANK
We can’t afford them! If we made
more money, we could turn this
place around, like Lee Iacocca! But
you know what? I’m no Lee Iacocca.
If anything, I’m a Keating. A
Charles Keating. Charles Keating,
Lincoln Savings and Loan.

MIKEY
Of the ongoing savings and loan
scandal.

FRANK & THE KID


The S&L scandal.

FRANK, THE KID & MIKEY


1989-1991.

FRANK
I’m sorry. Come the end of the
month, you’re all going to need new
jobs. I suggest you move to Japan.

MAMA begins to faint.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Oh, Mama! Mama!

THE KID
Move her against the wall! It’s
white balanced.

FRANK
Speak to me, Mama.

MAMA
I just always-a thought that I’d...

FRANK
Uh-huh...

MAMA
See-a the day where...

FRANK
Uh-huh...

MAMA
Goebbles and the master race...
7.

FRANK
She’s fine. Come on, Mama. I’ll
pour you an apéritif.

FRANK stands up MAMA and exits offstage.

MIKEY
This can’t be...

THE KID
Yogurt.

MIKEY
Happening.

FRANK
Unless you’re hiding two grand in
your drawers, we’ve got no choice.

MIKEY
Here. Here’s forty dollars. It’s
all the money I’ve made in tips
this week. We could all chip enough
to stay open another month and
figure it out!

THE KID
Last Easter, my grandmother gave me
this two dollar bill as a Christmas
present. She said it was haunted,
and then she died almost ten years
later. Is that irony?

BLAZE comes out of the bathroom.

BLAZE
I just want to say this gig sucked.
I’m glad we’ve all been fired
because your salads lack
imagination.

MIKEY
Where are you going?

BLAZE
I’d rather mine conflict minerals
on Mars than spend another minute
in this mondo dump.

MIKEY
I don’t understand.
FINAL REVISION 8.

BLAZE
What’s not to understand? We’re
fired. There’s a going away present
in the toilet. Hasta la vista,
baby.

MIKEY
At least stick around for the rest
of the month! Just to help us with
the deliveries.

BLAZE
Holy shit. *

MIKEY
Yeah, man. You’re the best delivery
guy we’ve got.

BLAZE
My deliveries. *

MIKEY
I’ve seen you deliver pizzas long *
after we’ve closed because someone
was hungry, only to be right back
here the next morning, dressed
exactly the same.

BLAZE
And if this place goes under...

MIKEY
If this place goes under, you won’t
be able to...

MIKEY & BLAZE


Deliver.

MIKEY
Deliver pizzas.

BLAZE
Multiple pizzas in one sitting. *

MIKEY
Besides, you want to go out there
and find another job? In the
Clinton economy?

BLAZE
I’m sorry about what I said about
your salads. They’re chef inspired.
FINAL REVISION 9.

MIKEY
Perfect! Now, come on, chip in some *
of your tip money to help cover the
rent this month.

BLAZE
Well, I don’t have much, but...
here’s twenty-four hundred dollars.

MAMA
Twenty-four hundred lire?!

BLAZE goes to leave. MAMA begins to pass out.

FRANK
Oh, Mama!

MAMA
I’ve never seen-a that much money
in-a my life-a. Twenty-four hundred-
a lire!

MIKEY
Twenty-four hundred lire is, like,
two dollars.

THE KID
Whoa.

MIKEY
Where the hell did you get all this
cash?

BLAZE
“Services rendered.”

THE KID
Delivery?

BLAZE
You could say that.

The phone rings. THE KID goes to answer.

MIKEY
Frank, this is perfect! I’m already
making this training video. Blaze
can show The Kid and I how he makes
all this tip money, and we can
start giving it back to the
restaurant! What do you say?
FINAL REVISION 10.

FRANK
I mean, I was starting to look
forward to ending this dead end
career, this graveyard of broken
dreams. Sometimes I look in the
mirror and see a shell. I can
recognize my own eyes, but not my
face. Is this who I am? Is this who
I’ve become? Oh, what the hell:
bankruptcy can wait!

THE KID
Heads up: just got a delivery order
and they want it now.

MIKEY
What’s the order?

THE KID
One Big Sausage Pizza. *

Pause.

BLAZE
I’ll drive.

NARRATOR *
Like Ross Perot, they were in. *
Mikey tagged along with Blaze on a *
delivery to see the master at work. *

2 I/E DELIVERY #1 - BUSINESS & PLEASURE 2

MIKEY and BLAZE are driving to a delivery. MIKEY holds the


camera.

MIKEY
How long have you been...

BLAZE
Sober?

MIKEY
A delivery driver.

BLAZE
The answer to both is ten years,
but the first answer is negative,
respectively.
FINAL REVISION 11.

MIKEY
Really, ten years? That’s longer
than the Gulf War...

WINK GREG
That just ended. That just ended.

MIKEY
Let’s get some more advice on tape.
Go ahead.

BLAZE
Well, my father always said you
should start at the bottom. And I
did. I started at the bottom, and I
worked my way up. There’s no hidden
message in that. *

MIKEY
Anything else? Maybe something a
new hire would need to know?

BLAZE
Don’t worry: we’ll cover the entry
level.

BLAZE and MIKEY pull up at a customer’s house. They grab the


pizza and get out of the car.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
That thing got an aperture?

MIKEY
I think so. Why?

BLAZE
You’re about to see an F-start.

BLAZE knocks on the door.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
Pizza pizza.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


Just a second!

LADY approaches and opens the door. BLAZE stands, holding a


pizza box.

BLAZE
You the meat lover?
FINAL REVISION 12.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


I ordered a medium meat lover’s
pizza.

BLAZE
Consider this a large. That will be
twelve inches. Excuse me: dollars
cash.

LADY searches her purse.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


Hmm. I only have enough for
gratuity here.

BLAZE
Just the tip is fine.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


My wallet’s in the bathroom, for
obvious reasons. Let me get you the
rest.

BLAZE
I’ll make myself comfortable.

LADY exits. BLAZE scans the room; MIKEY enters. BLAZE sits
down in a comfortable chair. *

MIKEY
Are we allowed to come inside?

BLAZE
They never like it, but I always
do.

LADY enters.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


I found two hundred dollars; I hope *
that’s enough. Excuse me, is this *
on camera?

BLAZE
Just the money shot. In fact, you
know what? The pizza’s on me.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


Nonsense.

BLAZE
I’ve never made more sense in my
life.
13.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


I can’t take a free pizza.

BLAZE
I didn’t say it was free. Please,
have a mouthful.

THE LANDLORD'S WIFE


I don’t understand.

MIKEY
Yeah, what are you talking about?

BLAZE
Good customer service. It’s pretty
simple, actually.

SONG #2: BUSINESS AND PLEASURE

BLAZE begins to sing. As he sings, the LADY becomes more and


more intrigued.

BLAZE
If you’re asking, “What is this?”
I mix pleasure with business
You shouldn’t settle on a meal for one
When a dinner for two can be more fun

I mix commerce with leisure


And by any other measure
There’s no such thing as a free lunch
But there’s plenty for you to munch

Will you like what’s here? I say maybe


But I promise you this, baby
If you’re satisfied
And I change your mind
When we’re finished here, you can pay me

I mix my business with pleasure


And I’ve buried you some treasure
If you happen to feel so inclined
I say open your mouth and dine

You have to see it to be believed


But once we’re finished, you’ll feel relieved
I just need you to sign
On the dotted line
Of this receipt, my queen
Using my pen fifteen

END SONG
FINAL REVISION 14.

BLAZE sits down and lifts up the lid to the pizza box. LADY’s
eyes widen. MIKEY’s jaw drops. BLACKOUT.

Moments later, MIKEY and BLAZE are back in the car. BLAZE is
driving and eating a piece of pizza. Several seconds pass.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
Pen fifteen means...

MIKEY
I know what it means.

NARRATOR *
It meant money -- big money. It was
as if they’d just won Wheel of *
Fortune and the prize was Vanna
White. But when Mikey and Blaze got *
back to the restaurant, they were *
going to have to tell Frank how *
they solved the puzzle. *

3 INT. RESTAURANT - TELL THE TRUTH 3

FRANK is counting BLAZE’s cash at the restaurant.

FRANK
Two hundred dollars! What, did I
pass Go?

MIKEY
No.

FRANK
You made all this money from one
delivery?

BLAZE
I’m like an OB/GYN.

MIKEY
For multiple reasons.

FRANK
And why is that?

MIKEY
Blaze took the pizza and stuck
his...

BLAZE
Heart and soul into it.
FINAL REVISION 15.

FRANK
Don’t put your heart on the pizza.

MIKEY
It wasn’t his heart on the pizza,
it’s was a hard on...

BLAZE
This-a family. And this-a business.
To be evicted, or whatever the
fuck.

FRANK
What are you saying?

MIKEY
I’m saying he has sex...

BLAZE
-Cess offering quality fucking
service. Hey, Frank, I think your
mom’s cooking something new in the
kitchen; she kept saying Mussolini.
Is that a recipe or something?

FRANK
It’s a recipe, all right. For
disaster.

FRANK bolts off.

BLAZE
Will you shut the fuck up? *

MIKEY
Frank’s going to want to know where
we got all this money.

BLAZE
That doesn’t mean you can bust my
balls like that! Lord Jesus Christ
my Savior in Heaven Above knows I
just drained those fuckers.

MIKEY *
How are we going to explain all of *
this cash, man? *

BLAZE *
It’s gratuity. *
FINAL REVISION 16.

MIKEY *
No, it’s sex, lies, and videotape, *
just like that movie, “sex, lies, *
and videotape.” *

MIKEY (CONT’D) *
How are we going to explain all of *
this cash, man? *

BLAZE *
It’s gratuity. *

MIKEY *
No, it’s sex, lies, and videotape, *
just like that movie, “sex, lies, *
and videotape.” *

BLAZE *
It’s money. What difference does it *
make? *

MIKEY *
It’s our jobs on the line, plus *
Frank and his mom and that kid! We *
shouldn’t lie to them. *

BLAZE *
Well, would you look at that? A *
United States Senator. *

MIKEY *
If we get busted, they’ll pin it on *
the restaurant and shut everything *
down for good! *

BLAZE *
The only thing that’s getting *
busted is my nut inside these *
future divorcees. Besides, it’s not *
lying if you tell somebody *
something that’s not true. *

MIKEY *
That is the definition of a lie. *

BLAZE *
Well, would you look at that? A *
United States Senator. *

MIKEY *
You expect Frank to believe all of *
the money you’re making from *
serving as a prostitute is just a *
good tip? *
FINAL REVISION 17.

BLAZE *
Christ, my King, Mikey: a lie isn’t *
a murder. You lie every god damn *
day without even realizing it. *

MIKEY *
I do not. I always tell the truth. *

BLAZE *
Oh, is that a fact? *

MIKEY *
Yes! I always... *
*

SONG #3: TELL THE TRUTH

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
Your baby’s adorable!

BLAZE
Holy shit, I thought you rescued a dog.

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
That dress looks great on you.

BLAZE
If you’re that pig whose fucking Kermit the Frog.

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
I’m down for whatever tonight.

BLAZE
As long as they’re not your plans.

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
Sorry, I’m all out of cash

BLAZE
I’m not giving you my money, filthy homeless man
FINAL REVISION 18.

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
People won’t think that you’re kind
If you say what’s on your mind

BLAZE
It’s friendlier for you to lie *
And you do it all the time! *

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
I absolutely love your family

BLAZE
The only people I hate more than them is mine

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
I have to get up early tomorrow

BLAZE
I don’t.

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
I can’t wait to see your improv show, or hear your band play,
or go to your wedding

BLAZE
I’d rather move to Saudi Arabia, commit a crime, and get a
beheading

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
Congrats on that promotion

BLAZE
Go fuck yourself

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!

MIKEY
I love Andersonville
FINAL REVISION 19.

BLAZE
I hate Andersonville

MIKEY & BLAZE


Tell the truth!
It’s friendlier for you to lie *
So let’s do it all the time!

END SONG

BLAZE
Look, if you spill the beans about
my performance back there and he
finds out the truth, this place
will be dead. This family will be
dead.

MAMA enters.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
Mama, do you want to be dead?

MAMA
I can’t-a think of a single person
who I-a want-a dead.

BLAZE
You see?

MAMA
I can think of eleven mill...

BLAZE
Get the hell out of here.

BLAZE shuffles MAMA off.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
You can’t worry about your morals.
Leave that to a dentist.

MIKEY
Fine.

BLAZE
Fine what?

MIKEY
I won’t tell Frank what you’re
doing to the customers.

BLAZE
And I won’t tell Frank what you’re
doing to the customers.
FINAL REVISION 20.

MIKEY
What do you mean?

NARRATOR *
They only had a couple of weeks, *
which meant they were going to need *
all hands on... deck. They were *
going to have to start pulling
their own... weight and start *
banging... customers. Mikey re- *
watched Blaze’s training video *
hoping that things would... rub
off.

3A INT. DELIVERY 3A

ALISON opens the door for MIKEY.

ALISON
Sorry my place is a bit of a mess.
You know how it can get when you
have your friends over to watch
“Wings.”

MIKEY
We all do. Where would you like the
package?

ALISON
You can put it anywhere you’d like.

MIKEY
Maybe it belongs here.

THE KID lifts the lid to the pizza.

ALISON
What is that?

MIKEY
Did someone order a big sausage
pizza?

ALISON
I ordered mostacholi.

MIKEY
With a couple of meatballs?

ALISON
No. Is that your penis?
FINAL REVISION 21.

MIKEY
Among other things.

ALISON
It’s just lying there like a
caterpillar.

MIKEY
This box is like a cocoon.

ALISON
There’s cheese and sauce all over
it.

MIKEY
We don’t skimp on toppings.

ALISON
And it’s covered in grease.

MIKEY
That’s mostly because of the pizza!

ALISON
Look, I’ll have sex with you, okay?
And I’ll pay you for it. But I’m
not paying for that pizza.

MIKEY
You’ll still need to sign this
receipt.

NARRATOR *
It took a while for Mikey to get *
the hang of it, but after a few
deliveries, word began to spread
like H3N2.

A door opens. BLAZE, holding a pizza, stands in the entrance.

BLAZE
Did somebody order a big sausage
pizza?

A door opens. MIKEY, holding a pizza, stands in the entrance.

MIKEY
Looking for a huge pepperoni pizza?

A door opens. BLAZE, holding a pizza, stands in the entrance.

BLAZE
Here comes the eggplant.
FINAL REVISION 22.

A door opens. MIKEY, holding a pizza, stands in the entrance.

MIKEY
Any interest in a Hawaiian?

NARRATOR *
The phone was ringing off the hook;
they couldn’t keep up with the *
demand. Hell, they were so popular *
even the other restaurants in town
started knocking them off. *

A doorbell. A door opens. BLAZE, wearing a sombrero and


holding a burrito, stands in the entrance.

BLAZE
Donde esta el pastor?

A doorbell. A door opens. MIKEY, wearing a bandana, stands in


the entrance with a sushi roll.

MIKEY
You wanted to sashimi?

A doorbell. A door opens. BLAZE, wearing a middle eastern


headdress, stands in the entrance.

BLAZE
I’m here to schwarma your tabouli.

A doorbell. A door opens. MIKEY, wearing one of those huge


Asian bamboo hats, stands in the entrance holding a Chinese
take out container.

MIKEY
Ding dong!

NARRATOR *
Mikey felt weird not being able to *
tell Frank where they were getting *
all their money, but it didn’t *
matter. Mikey was finally feeling *
like one of those Menendez
brothers: relieved.

5 INT. RESTAURANT - SECRET SAUCE 5

BLAZE is cutting a hole in a pizza box. MAMA is stirring


pizza sauce. FRANK is counting money.

FRANK
Two thousand dollars? Are we
selling pizzas or Chryslers?
23.

BLAZE
Pizzas.

THE KID, holding a pizza ready to be delivered, enters.

THE KID
I don’t think I’m ready for this.

FRANK
Where the hell is he going?

BLAZE
Putting his learner’s permit to
good use. You remember what I told
you?

THE KID
White sauce is good, red sauce is
bad.

BLAZE
Don’t forget the Parmesan. Good
luck.

BLAZE hands THE KID a strip of condoms. THE KID exits.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
God, to be twelve again.

FRANK
He’s sixteen.

BLAZE
I mean eleven.

FRANK hands BLAZE a few bucks.

FRANK
Here you go.

BLAZE
Two hundred dollars? That’s my cut?
I just brought in two grand. I’m
like Heidi fucking Fleiss.

FRANK
Take it or leave it.

BLAZE
This is bullshit! I’m working my
ass off out there. Why do you think
we’re getting so many calls?
24.

FRANK
I believe the city has finally
caught a taste of our secret sauce.

BLAZE
Damn right! You’re fucking welcome.

FRANK
I’m sorry, are these your mother’s
recipes?

BLAZE
Mostly my father’s.

FRANK
Deliver more pizzas, make more
money. People care about our secret
sauce, not you, Alan Keyes.

BLAZE
Is that a fact? It’s your secret
sauce that people want? What’s so
special about it?

FRANK
She won’t say. It’s one of her many
secrets.

The phone rings. FRANK goes to answer it. MAMA gestures over
to BLAZE.

BLAZE
You want to tell me something? Go
ahead. You can trust me.

BLAZE slowly moves over to MAMA.

MAMA
(whispering)
Let’s-a rearm-a the Rhineland.

FRANK hangs up the phone.

FRANK
I told you a million times, we
can’t rearm the Rhineland! It’s too
expensive.

BLAZE
You think your sauce is better than
mine? What’s inside it, you old
bitch?

SONG #4: “SECRET SAUCE”


25.

MAMA
My sauce-a recipe
Is a-secret
You promise not to share
Its ingredients?

BLAZE nods. MAMA hands him a spoon and guides him towards the
saucepan.

MAMA (CONT’D)
What I’m about to say
You must take to your grave
This authentic Italian taste
Is what made this place

The entire CAST begins to assemble in an elaborate dance


number. Most are wearing jackets with question marks on them;
one person is dressed up as a giant question mark, another as
a map of Italy. They are all chanting repeatedly:

ALL
What’s inside this awes-
Ome secret sauce?

After a long, complicated dance number around BLAZE, MAMA


whispers in his ear.

MAMA
Tomatoes.

The phone rings; FRANK answers.

FRANK
Buttafuoco’s Pizza...

BLAZE answers as MIKEY, with pizza all over his pants, enters
with a heavily used pizza box.

BLAZE
I thought you went to deliver that.

MIKEY
She didn’t want it! All I got was
$800.

FRANK
Order up!

MIKEY
Just let me recharge.

FRANK
We’re swamped! Go make some pizzas.
FINAL REVISION 26.

MIKEY
Where the hell is the kid?

BLAZE
He’s delivering a pizza.

MIKEY
He’s delivering a pizza?

BLAZE
Shouldn’t take him more than a
couple of seconds.

NARRATOR *
If something happened with that kid
and he got caught, he’d be the Paul
Reubens of the midwest.

MIKEY
Shit, I left my oven on.

FRANK
This oven?

MIKEY
I mean my dog.

NARRATOR *
He made up a great excuse and got *
the hell out of there, just like
our troops in Operation Desert
Storm.

5A INT. DELIVERY - TRACEY 5A

THE KID is seated on a chair with a pizza box.

THE KID
Delivery guy! I mean, delivery man!

TRACEY (OFF)
Be down in a second.

THE KID
I like the sound of that! Is this
your first pizza?

TRACEY (OFF)
No.

THE KID
Mine either. I’ve had lots of
pizza.
27.

MIKEY knocks on the door. THE KID, holding the pizza box
against his crotch, gets up to open it.

MIKEY
What the hell are you doing here?

THE KID
Blaze said I watched the training
video too many times and it was
time for me to “learn by doing.”

MIKEY
Well, you need to get lost. You’re
too young to be banging customers.
You should be banging teachers.

THE KID
What am I supposed to do with this?

THE KID indicates at the pizza box. MIKEY pulls out a bottle
of ranch.

MIKEY
Polish it off in the car.

TRACEY (OFF)
I’m coming!

THE KID
Shit, we’re too late.

MIKEY
Get the hell out of here!

THE KID adjusts and sidles out the door. MIKEY places himself
through the pizza and sits down in the seat. MIKEY lifts the
lid to his pizza box to reveal a massive dong. The female
TRACEY enters in her full police attire. MIKEY quickly closes
the box.

TRACEY
Who are you?

MIKEY
The same pizza guy.

TRACEY
What a weird thing to say.

MIKEY
Adults do things like that.

TRACEY
Is that my pizza?
28.

MIKEY
No! Of course not. This is my
pizza.

TRACEY
Why?

MIKEY
I thought it’d be good eat some of
our pizza in front of you to show
you the food is good. “I’m not only
the president, I’m also a member!”

TRACEY
A member of what?

MIKEY
Nothing about members.

TRACEY
Where is my pizza?

MIKEY
Right here.

TRACEY
Let me see it.

MIKEY
This is it.

TRACEY
Open the box.

MIKEY
Whose?

TRACEY pulls her gun.

MIKEY (CONT’D)
Whoa! Yes! Okay. Here.

MIKEY lifts the lid to the box. It’s a normal pizza.

MIKEY (CONT’D)
Thank God you pulled that gun.

TRACEY
Why?

MIKEY
That will be ten dollars!
29.

TRACEY
Here’s a ten dollar bill.

MIKEY
Exact change. Cool.

TRACEY
I thought you said you ate some of
this. It’s all here, except for
this hole.

MIKEY
What hole?

TRACEY
This average-sized hole.

MIKEY
An above average-sized hole?

TRACEY
A regular hole. Why is there a
regular hole in the middle of the
box?

MIKEY
You know those little white tables
they use?

TRACEY
Yes.

MIKEY
We’ve been meaning to get some.

TRACEY
I don’t have time for this shit.
Get out of my house.

MIKEY
“House? We don’t got a house.”

MIKEY & TRACEY


“We got a gazebo.” Whoa.

MIKEY
The Rocketeer.

TRACEY
Released June 21, 1991.

MIKEY
Directed by Joe Johnston.
30.

TRACEY
Story credits, Danny Bilson. It’s
my...

MIKEY & TRACEY


Favorite movie.

TRACEY
I’ve seen it at least once.

MIKEY
Me too. I’ve seen it twice.

TRACEY
It’s so fun. I love that scene with
the...

MIKEY & TRACEY


Rocket.

Pause. They look at each other.

MIKEY
I should go.

TRACEY
Wait.

TRACEY approaches MIKEY.

TRACEY (CONT’D)
Can I have the pizza that I ordered
and paid for?

MIKEY
Oh, yeah.

MIKEY goes to use the hole in the pizza box and stops.

MIKEY (CONT’D)
Wait: no. I’m going to earn this
pizza.

TRACEY
What do you mean?

MIKEY
I mean, it’s defective. Tell you
what: meet me tonight at 8:00 and
I’ll buy you dinner with the money
you gave me.

TRACEY
Like, a date?
FINAL REVISION 31.

MIKEY
Just one. Most calendars have
thirty.

Pause.

TRACEY
I’ll see you at eight.

MIKEY
Really?

TRACEY
Don’t be late.

MIKEY
Can’t wait!

TRACEY
Great.

MIKEY
Cool.

NARRATOR *
It was weird. For the first time in
weeks, Mikey didn’t want to sleep *
with one of the customers. He *
wanted to sleep with her
eventually. Anyway, just like the
Warsaw Pact, it didn’t matter.

5B INT. LANDLORD’S HOUSE 5B

BLAZE is being blown through a pizza box by THE LANDLORD’S


WIFE. After a few moments, THE LANDLORD enters. As he sings,
BLAZE and THE LANDLORD’S WIFE attempt to evade being seen.

SONG #5: “THE LANDLORD’S WIFE”


32.

LANDLORD
I’m the landlord
And I live a landlord’s life
At the end of the landlord’s day
I come home to the landlord’s wife

Repairs and renovations


Building maintenance is not fun
I look forward to the most
Coming back to my special someone

I love my wife
The landlord’s wife
She’s an angel and princess
composite

My wife’s the best


She passed the landlord’s test
A credit check and security deposit
(just kidding)

LANDLORD sits on a comfortable seat. A carbon monoxide


detector begins to beep.

LANDLORD (CONT’D)
I hear a carbon monoxide detector
My wife and properties, I must
protect her
I’ll turn it off, but it causes no
strife
For I’ll return to the landlord’s
wife!

LANDLORD exits. BLAZE and THE LANDLORD’S WIFE emerge from


hiding.

BLAZE
That was close...

LANDLORD re-enters.

LANDLORD
Forgot my keys.

END SONG.

LANDLORD (CONT’D)
Holy shit!

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE


It’s not what it looks like.
33.

LANDLORD
It looks like you’re taking a tour
of Italy!

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE


It’s exactly what it looks like.

LANDLORD
How could you do this to me? Oh,
what a terrible birthday!

BLAZE
Look, man, you can take over from
where I left off, all right? Just a
slice for the road.

BLAZE tosses THE LANDLORD’S WIFE some red and white mints.
LANDLORD notices BLAZE’S shirt.

LANDLORD
Buttafuoco’s Pizza?

BLAZE
That’s the name, don’t wear it out.

LANDLORD
I own Buttafuoco’s Pizza.

BLAZE
No, you don’t. It’s the
Buttafuoco’s.

LANDLORD
But it’s my building. I’m a
landlord.

BLAZE
You’re the piece of shit jacking
our rent up higher than Marion
Barry?

LANDLORD
Let me tell you something. I’m
worth 1.2. This condominium is
worth 2.6. Your little pizza place
is on a tract of land worth 1.8,
but you perverts pay rent at a rate
like it’s worth 1.6, which means I
own your ass, just like I own
Wisconsin.
FINAL REVISION 34.

NARRATOR *
It was an incredibly unusual,
specific threat, that nobody quite
understood. But right then, it
didn’t matter.

9 EXT. MOVIE THEATER - MAN IN UNIFORM 9

MIKEY and TRACEY are walking out of a movie theater,


laughing.

MIKEY
I’m telling you, that Rocketeer guy
definitely lives up to his name.

TRACEY
To quote Siskel and Ebert...

TRACEY holds up her thumbs.

MIKEY
So, I was thinking, maybe later...

A PEDESTRIAN approaches.

PEDESTRIAN
Excuse me, officer. I just want to
thank you again for murdering that
burglar who broke into our
apartment. We’ve been meaning to
get a new carpet and if it wasn’t
for you, we wouldn’t have been able
to get it covered by our insurance.

TRACEY
It was my pleasure.

PEDESTRIAN exits.

TRACEY (CONT’D)
That’s the best part of my day.
Well, besides the Folgers. Sorry,
you were saying?

MIKEY
I found this really cool restaurant
online.

TRACEY
Online?
35.

MIKEY
I was waiting in a line at an
information desk. They said that...

PEDESTRIAN 2 enters.

PEDESTRIAN 2
Excuse me. You delivered a pizza to
my wife the other night. I don’t
know what was on it, but I’ve never
seen her that satisfied in my life.
And we were there when that wall
came down, that Berlin Wall, two
years ago. And she’s German. So,
thanks.

MIKEY
She’s a great customer.

PEDESTRIAN 2 exits.

MIKEY (CONT’D)
The best part of my day. Well,
besides drinking Folgers coffee
when I wake up.

TRACEY
It’s nice being able to bring a
smile to people’s faces.

MIKEY
It’s the best part of working in
“the industry.”

TRACEY
To serve and protect.

MIKEY
Tell me about it.

SONG #6: MAN IN UNIFORM

MIKEY and TRACEY begin to sing.

TRACEY
For the greater good

MIKEY
Like a Samaritan should

TRACEY & MIKEY


Our lives serve a higher purpose
36.

TRACEY
It’s not just obeying laws

MIKEY
We believe in our cause

TRACEY & MIKEY


Offering public service

TRACEY
That’s why...

MIKEY
I wear...

TRACEY & MIKEY


The uniform

TRACEY
We’re always on call

MIKEY
Giving the public our all

TRACEY
You never know when they’ll need ya

MIKEY
We can be there on the double

TRACEY
If somebody is in trouble

MIKEY
Or they really, really want a pizza

TRACEY
That’s why...

MIKEY
I wear...

TRACEY & MIKEY


The uniform.

TRACEY
I rescue lives (in uniform)

MIKEY
I deliver pies (in uniform)

TRACEY
I answer distress cries (in uniform)
37.

MIKEY
I satisfy wives (in uniform)

TRACEY
I watch over the city

MIKEY
Thirty minutes or it’s free

TRACEY
That’s why...

MIKEY
That’s why...

TRACEY
I wear...

MIKEY
I wear...

TRACEY & MIKEY


The uniform.

END SONG

PEDESTRIAN 3 enters.

PEDESTRIAN 3
Hey! Hey! You’re the guy from
Buttafuoco’s!

MIKEY
Guilty as charged.

MIKEY and TRACEY laugh.

PEDESTRIAN 3
Thanks again for taking my order
last night; I was really hungry.

MIKEY
It was my pleasure.

PEDESTRIAN 3
God bless you and yours.

PEDESTRIAN 3 exits. A pause.

COP
Did you have sex with her through a
pizza box?
FINAL REVISION 38.

MIKEY
What? *

COP
Isn’t that what you’re implying?

MIKEY
Look, I didn’t want to say
anything, but she’s an adult
orphan. She tries to pay us in
Geoffrey Dollars for the gently
used pizzas we bring to the adult
orphanage at the end of the night.
We also bring Folger’s Coffee.

COP
Is this true?

MIKEY
Is this the face of a liar?

MIKEY does not change his face.

COP
Wow. I thought I did a lot of good
things for the community.

MIKEY
We both do. Come on, let’s get out
of here. Can I buy you a Zima?

COP
To quote Siskel and Ebert: I’d love
a hot Zima.

NARRATOR *
Mikey didn’t like lying to her like *
that, but he couldn’t help it. He *
knew there were a lot of different
things that one could get by trying *
to sleep with customers, but not
love. He was falling for her faster *
than Eric Clapton’s kid. Things
were great.

10 INT. RESTAURANT - FELLATIO 10

FRANK, MAMA, and THE KID are at the restaurant. MAMA is


napping on a couch with her arm outstretched, saluting
Hitler. FRANK and THE KID repeatedly try to get her arm to
stay down. After a few moments, BLAZE bursts in.
FINAL REVISION 39.

BLAZE
If anyone’s looking for me, tell
them I’m here. I mean, not here!
Shit.

BLAZE hides in the audience. LANDLORD enters.

FRANK
Why is he hiding?

MAMA wakes up.

MAMA
Who’s-a hiding? I’m-a gonna find
them.

MAMA begins wandering around the stage.

LANDLORD
Where is he? Where is he?

FRANK
Whoa, The Landlord! What a pleasant
surprise.

LANDLORD
Where’s the fucking fucker who
fucked my fucking wife fuck?

THE KID
He’s here!

FRANK
Who?

BLAZE
Shit!

THE KID
I mean not here. What did you say?

LANDLORD
I just caught a pizza delivery guy *
from this place having hot sex with
my landlord’s wife!

FRANK
I’m sorry, Landlord, but you must
be mistaken! There’s no sex here.
This is a family restaurant.
FINAL REVISION 40.

BLAZE
Yeah! I’m someone else. You must be
thinking of an unscrupulous
delivery guy from one of the other
Italian restaurants in town.

LANDLORD
Oh really, like where?

FRANK
Pizza Slut.

THE KID *
Gior-dong-O’s.

BLAZE
Penisquod’s.

FRANK
Papa Schlong’s. *

THE KID
Domino’s.

LANDLORD
Did you have sex with my wife! *

BLAZE
Absolutely not! *

FRANK
Well, that settles that.

BLAZE
It was a blow job.

FRANK
A what?!

LANDLORD
I knew it!

FRANK
To quote my grandfather Bullwinkle,
what’s a matta you?

BLAZE
It’s my job?

FRANK
To have sex with our customers? We
fuck their wallets, not their
bodies!
41.

BLAZE
It wasn’t her body! It was her
mouth!

FRANK
Landlord, I am so sorry. How can I
ever repay you? Here! Take my
mother. Use her like a sponge.

LANDLORD
I want you gone! All of you.

FRANK
Now, hold on just a second. I’ve
got your rent money right here.
Here’s two grand. Plus interest.
Plus something interesting: the
reflective property of white light
is called albedo.

LANDLORD
Two grand? Too bad! The rent’s
going up. Two million!

MAMA
Two million lire? That’s eleven
hundred dollars!

MAMA faints. TRACEY enters.

TRACEY
Police! Open up!

LANDLORD
They’re in here, officer.

MAMA
They’re-a hiding in-a the attic.

TRACEY
We just got an anonymous tip that
there’s a pizza place in town
filled with untrustworthy perverts.

MIKEY enters.

MIKEY
I can’t believe I tricked that cop
into going on a date with me!

TRACEY
You what?
42.

MIKEY
Whoa! What are you doing here?

FRANK
What the hell is going on?

LANDLORD
I’ll tell you what’s going on!

TRACEY
I know what’s going on.

LANDLORD
They’re taking their greasy
penises...

TRACEY
Do you drink Folger’s coffee?

MIKEY
Yes.

LANDLORD
Covering them in cheese and sauce
and olive oil...

TRACEY
Do you like The Rocketeer?

MIKEY
Yes!

LANDLORD
Shoving them through a hole in a
pizza box...

TRACEY
Are you really just here to serve
the community?

LANDLORD
Heating them up to over a hundred
degrees...

MIKEY
It’s complicated.

LANDLORD
And having people suck them through
the pizza box!

TRACEY
You lied to me.
43.

LANDLORD
They’re having their big, greasy
dicks sucked and fucked through the
center of a hot pizza!

FRANK
Enough! You have done more to
tarnish the Buttafuoco name than
anyone else in my family. Except
for my cousin on the east coast,
Roy.

MIKEY
I’m sorry, Tracey.

TRACEY
Call me Officer Tracey. I’m calling
backup to have you all arrested.

LANDLORD
That won’t be necessary, officer.
They already can’t pay the rent.
They’ll be gone in two weeks.

TRACEY
You could have been the Cliff
Secord to my Jenny Blake. But you
know something? You’re just a
Neville Sinclair.

TRACEY runs off, tears streaming down her face.

LANDLORD
That’s the bad guy from The
Rocketeer!

LANDLORD shows himself out.

FRANK
I don’t know what’s more
disappointing. Godfather III, or
this.

MIKEY
I’m sorry, Frank. I really am.

BLAZE
Way to go, dipshit.

MIKEY
What the fuck, man? How is this my
fault?
44.

BLAZE
I had a perfectly good vertically
integrated product until you
decided you wanted to expand into
new markets!

MIKEY
You were sitting on tons of cash
from fucking customers that you
wouldn’t have even had if it wasn’t
for this restaurant!

BLAZE
That’s right! We’d be broke, like
Donald Trump, but because of me,
we’re rich, like Donald Trump!

FRANK
Enough! Everybody out.

MIKEY
But Frank...

FRANK
Just go. Don’t come back until
you’re gone.

MIKEY and BLAZE exit. FRANK goes to wake up MAMA.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Come on, Mama. Let’s get you out of
here.

MAMA
What’s-a the matter-a?

FRANK
It looks like we’re going to have
to close the restaurant after all.

MAMA
How-a come-a?

SONG #7: “FELLATIO”

CHORUS
Fellatio

FRANK
It’s hard to take my lips
And wrap them around this
But after thirty years
We’re calling it quits
FINAL REVISION 45.

CHORUS
Fellatio

BLAZE
Fulfilling people’s wishes
Can be so delicious

MIKEY
But having sex through pizzas *
Has ruined this whole business *

CHORUS
Fellatio

FRANK
This restaurant will close

BLAZE
What will happen? Who knows?

MIKEY
I thought we had a chance

ALL
This literally blows

END SONG

NARRATOR *
Mikey tried to go into work the *
next day, but the doors were *
locked. Like John Wayne Bobbitt, he *
was cut off. Frank agreed to turn *
the restaurant into a TCBY and *
vacate by the end of the month. *
With nowhere left to turn, Mikey *
and The Kid ended up landing new *
jobs at the only other place in *
town that didn’t require a *
background check. *

11 INT. CHUCK E CHEESE’S 11

LANDLORD and THE LANDLORD’S WIFE are Chuck E Cheese, where


ALISON works. *

MIKEY *
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese. *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


Table for two, please, for the *
birthday boy. *
FINAL REVISION 46.

LANDLORD *
Well, would you look at that? If it *
isn’t one of those Buttafuocos. *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


Your girlfriend Amy is a monster. *

MIKEY *
I don’t have a girlfriend. *

LANDLORD slips MIKEY a twenty. *

LANDLORD *
Hey, Buttafucko? Put us next to the *
ball pit, would you, sweetheart? *

MIKEY leads the LANDLORD party to their table and hands them *
menus. *

MIKEY *
The chef recommends the pizza. *

Pause. *

LANDLORD *
We’ll need a minute. *

MIKEY sighs. He walks off as THE KID walks on. MIKEY and THE *
KID stare at each other and sigh. THE KID, dressed as CHUCK E *
CHEESE, approaches the table. *

LANDLORD (CONT’D) *
Whoa! Mickey Mouse! *

THE KID *
It’s Cheese, actually. Charles *
Cheese. *

LANDLORD *
Hey, mouse, it’s my birthday. *
Whatever I say goes. *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


It’s good luck if you rub the rat’s *
head, Constas. *

LANDLORD *
Is that a fact? May the new year of *
my life bring good luck to my *
lovely landlord’s wife, all of my *
properties, and to you, the piece *
of shit whose life must be in real *
turmoil to be dressed up like a *
cartoon rodent. Get lost. *
FINAL REVISION 47.

LANDLORD goes back to looking at the menu. THE KID goes to *


exit as MIKEY enters. They stare at each other. THE KID looks *
back at the LANDLORD. MIKEY looks at the LANDLORD and looks *
back at THE KID. This bit goes on until LANDLORD notices *
MIKEY. *

LANDLORD (CONT’D) *
So, what’s new, Buttafucko? Working *
at a children’s theme restaurant? *

MIKEY *
You’re having your birthday here. *

LANDLORD *
I feel young at heart. *

MIKEY *
Can I start you off with anything? *
A child sized Miller Lite? *

LANDLORD *
I think for dessert I’m going to *
get some yogurt. This country’s *
best. *

MIKEY *
Outstanding. Do you need more time *
with the menu? It’s very *
complicated. *

LANDLORD *
You know what, sweetheart? I think *
I’m in the mood for a pizza. *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


We don’t have to talk about pizza. *

LANDLORD *
Nonsense. You love pizza. In fact, *
I’m going to order the biggest, *
juciest sausage pizza this place *
has to offer. *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


Constas. *

MIKEY *
Very good. *

LANDLORD *
Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast, garcon. You *
think I’d trust you to bring a *
pizza to this Landlord’s Wife of *
mine? Have the rat do it. *
FINAL REVISION 48.

MIKEY *
Yes, sir. *

LANDLORD *
Oh, asshole? *

LANDLORD tosses MIKEY a token. *

LANDLORD (CONT’D) *
Why don’t you warm up the Bozo *
Super Sunday Game for me? I’ve got *
a feeling I’m going to get to *
bucket six. *

MIKEY goes to prepare the buckets. *

LANDLORD (CONT’D) *
You see? That’s how you get ahead. *
Hard work. Take it from me: a guy *
who’s worth 8.6. *

MIKEY *
8.6 what? *

LANDLORD *
If you’ve got to ask, you don’t *
even know. *

THE KID enters with a pizza with a candle. *

THE KID *
Happy birthday to you. Happy *
birthday to you! Happy birthday, *
landlord. Happy birthday to you! *

LANDLORD *
How do you know I’m a landlord? *

THE KID *
Uh, combed over hair? Plumbing *
expertise. *

LANDLORD *
Damn right. Check out all these *
keys! *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


Make a wish, honey. *
FINAL REVISION 49.

LANDLORD *
You know what? I wish things could *
have worked out better for you. *
Maybe we could have found a way to *
keep your little restaurant open *
instead of you having to work here, *
where a kid can be a kid. You *
remember what you did to my wife? *

THE LANDLORD’S WIFE *


You going to blow out the candles *
or what? *

LANDLORD *
With pleasure. *

LANDLORD closes his eyes to blow out the candle. In slow *


motion, THE KID takes his penis out and places it on the *
pizza. ALLISON and THE LANDLORD’S WIFE react in horror as *
LANDLORD opens his eyes. *

THE KID *
Did somebody order a big sausage *
pizza? *

THE KID takes off his mask.

NARRATOR *
The two have them had been working *
as Chuck E Cheese less than twenty-
four hours before getting fed up *
with a customer’s shit. They went *
down in history as the longest
serving employees in Chuck E Cheese *
history.

12 INT. JAIL - SLICE OF MY HEART 12

MIKEY is bailing out THE KID from the county jail.

MIKEY
One bail, please.

THE KID emerges.

THE KID
I owe you one.

MIKEY
Don’t worry about it; they let me
use my tokens. I can’t believe what
you did back there!
50.

THE KID
You’d have done the same. I forgot
to ask: can I put you down as a
reference? Chuck E Cheese said
they’d think about it.

MIKEY
Forget about that place; it’s
technically a crime scene. It also
doesn’t matter: we’re going to
raise that money and get the
restaurant back!

THE KID
Two million dollars? I don’t know,
man. That’s, like, one cup of
Starbucks coffee.

MIKEY
If that guy thinks he’s worth 8.6,
we’re at least worth 1.8.

TRACEY enters.

TRACEY
Well, look who it is. Are you here
to turn yourself in?

THE KID
Oh, I’m sorry. Did we break the law
by having people pay us to have sex
with them? Or by placing one’s
genitals on a plate of food at a
children’s restaurant?

TRACEY
Yes.

THE KID
Well, then I guess I’m a criminal.
I should be arrested for the things
I’ve done.

TRACEY
You just were. You have a hearing
in two weeks.

MIKEY
Give us a minute.

THE KID
Sixty seconds starting now.

THE KID walks off, counting.


51.

MIKEY
What are you doing here at this
police station?

TRACEY
I work here.

MIKEY
Cool. I just want to say I’m sorry
about everything.

TRACEY
Save it for his defense.

MIKEY
The restaurant was about to close
because that piece of shit landlord
raised our rent! What else were we
supposed to do?

TRACEY
Make better food?

MIKEY
That’s ridiculous.

THE KID
Fifteen!

TRACEY
You lied to me.

MIKEY
Absolutely not! I didn’t want to
have sex with you through that
pizza that day. I wanted to have
sex with you eventually.

TRACEY
Is it Valentine’s Day?

MIKEY
I’m not a clock.

THE KID
Thirty!

TRACEY
You said you served the community
and ended up getting a small
business closed. Ronald Reagan’s
going to spin in his grave when he
dies.
52.

MIKEY
We’re going to make things right,
okay?

TRACEY
And what, raise 2.0?

MIKEY
Two million dollars isn’t cool. You
know what’s cool? Two billion
dollars.

THE KID
Fifteen!

TRACEY
What?

MIKEY
I don’t know.

THE KID
I mean, like, fifteen left.

TRACEY
You know, I thought you were
someone special. But it turns out
you’re just like all the others.

MIKEY
I’m sorry!

You’re only sorry because you got


caught with your dick hanging out
through a pizza like a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle II, which you
and I could have been seeing this
weekend.

MIKEY (CONT’D)
We can still go!

TRACEY
It’s too late. I already know the
secret of your ooze.

THE KID
Zero!

TRACEY walks off.

SONG #8: “SLICE OF MY HEART”

MIKEY
FINAL REVISION 53.

I’ve delivered pizzas all around the world


From Mount Prospect to Wilmette
But I never thought I’d fall in love with a girl
At first sight, it was kismet

Now, I’m not proud of all the things that I’ve done
My receipts are perverted and strange
But she’d let me in her holster instead of that gun
For that female cop I could change!

I want to give her a slice of my heart


With a salad of love on the side
I know she won’t get sick
Of me and my breadstick
And any toppings she decides (to order)

I’m going to show her what’s inside my box


And there’s nothing there to do with smoked meats
Instead, it’s covered in love and companionship
With a side of trust for her to eat

‘Cuz I want to give her a slice of my heart


If she’d just give me an eighth of hers
Make them triangles or squares
Cut them however you want, who cares
I’m kidding, I really care, of course

I want to give her a slice of my heart


She can dip it in some girlfriend ranch
We could be two best mates
Sitting on paper plates
If she’ll just give me another chance

END SONG.

MIKEY
Come on. Let’s get out of here.

THE KID
Can you drop me off at school? I
need to pick up that training
video.

MIKEY
The training video?

THE KID
I gave it to some of my friends in
the AV club. They paid me twenty *
bucks to borrow it. *

MIKEY *
Holy shit. They paid you to watch *
that video? *
FINAL REVISION 54.

THE KID *
Yeah! I guess loved the mise en *
scene. *

MIKEY *
If we made more, do you think *
they’d pay to see those, too? *

THE KID *
Probably. *

MIKEY *
Does your AV Club have a studio? *

THE KID
We have a classroom.

MIKEY
Do you have a crew?

THE KID
A bunch of minors.

MIKEY
Do you have the time?

THE KID
It’s late afternoon.

MIKEY *
If you can get a crew together *
tomorrow and track down Frank, I *
think I know how we can get that *
two million dollars. *

NARRATOR *
It wasn’t going to be easy, but
neither were Mandela’s
negotiations. Like South Africa,
they needed to act fast. *

13 INT. RESTAURANT - TCBY 13

FRANK and MAMA are wearing TCBY shirts and cleaning up the
restaurant. THE KID enters.

FRANK
Welcome to TCBY. It lives up to its
name.

THE KID
Frank, what are you doing?
55.

FRANK
Legitimate work. If you’re looking
for hot sex, call Bob Packwood.

THE KID
We’ve still got this place until
the end of this week and we’ve got
another idea.

FRANK
What, you’re going to start dipping
your balls in the soup? It’s too
late. The writing’s on the wall.

THE KID
What writing?

FRANK
Ma, I told you to put up that sign!

MAMA goes to hang up the sign.

JT
You’re not listening to me. We know
how to get the rest of the money.

FRANK
Buttafuoco’s is dead, okay, kid?
We’re a TCBY now. Why don’t you try
a sample? Ma, what’s your favorite?

MAMA
The Afrika Korps.

MAMA finishes putting up the TCBY sign.

JT
TCBY.

FRANK
TCBY.

JT
You remember what you said to me
when I applied for a job here?

FRANK
The minimum wage is free.

JT
And do you remember what you told
me when I showed up on my first
day?
56.

FRANK
The floor is just as clean as a
table.

JT
And when I told you my parents were
getting divorced, you said...

FRANK
The family discount only applies to
one household. What’s your point?

JT
My point is you cared enough to
listen to my sentences and offer a
response on the subject. You’d do
that to any one of us.

SONG #9: TCBY

THE KID rips down the TCBY poster.

FRANK
What the hell are you doing? Each
one of those letters cost more than
the last!

THE KID
Take down this sign
And fuck all these flavors
Artificial yogurts
Will not be your savior
It’s time to reclaim
The fruits of your labors
Because This Can’t Be You

(TCBY, TCBY)

You can’t sell this garbage


Without putting up a fight
Take all these biotics
Get them out of my sight
Because we’ve got a plan
That’s gonna make things right

Because This Can’t Be You

(TCBY, TCBY)

END SONG

THE KID
I put my dick on the line for you,
man! We all did.
(MORE)
57.

THE KID (CONT'D)


We’ve got less than two days to get
the rest of the money, and Mikey
and I have an idea. What do you
say? What do you say, Frank?

FRANK
I mean, I don’t know. I was
actually looking forward to running
a franchise. Steady paycheck,
health insurance. Hell, with their
generous 401K, I’d probably even
get to retire after just a couple
of years. Buy a timeshare. See the
ocean for the first time. They’ve
got these starfish now, that just --
oh, what the hell, retirement can
wait! If this place means as much
to you guys as you say it does, I’m
sure it’s worth two million
dollars. What do you say, Ma?

MAMA
Heil...

FRANK
We’re in. Where’s the others?

INT. BLAZE’S APARTMENT

MIKEY knocks on the door of BLAZE’s apartment.

MIKEY
Blaze? Hello? Hey, it’s Mikey. I
know you’re here, man. Come on! I
got you some weed.

BLAZE comes out from a table in the audience. He inspects the


joint and gives it back to MIKEY.

BLAZE
You call this weed? This shit’s
worse than Lite beer. This bud’s
for you.

MIKEY
Hold up. The Kid and I have got
this idea that we want to talk to
you about.

BLAZE
Forget it, Padre.
FINAL REVISION 58.

MIKEY
Father?

BLAZE
I barely know her. Take a hike.

MIKEY
Look: I’m sorry I blew up at you
but I’m not mad anymore.

BLAZE
Well, I’m still pretty fucking mad
at you.

MIKEY
That’s fine. We just need your help
with this one idea we’ve got. We
think we can get the restaurant
back to the way it used to be.

BLAZE
Are you deaf, Stevie Wonder? There
is no more “way it used to be.”
This shit’s over. I’m not
interested.

MIKEY
So, that’s it? You never gave a
shit about any of us, and never
gave a shit about the restaurant?
All you cared about was fucking
the customers?

BLAZE
Well, I certainly can’t do that
anymore!

MIKEY
I know! It’s illegal.

BLAZE
No, it’s because I swung by the VD
after getting my car washed and
they said my dick looks like a
Clams Casino.

MIKEY
I hate errands.

BLAZE *
Get away from me! This is all your *
fault. *
FINAL REVISION 59.

MIKEY *
My fault? *

BLAZE *
If you hadn’t started horning in on *
my racket, my dick would be fine! *

MIKEY *
I was trying to save the *
restaurant. I’m sorry I wasn’t *
thinking about your dick. *

BLAZE *
Yeah, well, I had a pretty good *
thing going off to the side until *
you had to go and fuck it up like a
Democrat. *

MIKEY *
So you’re not going to help us? *

BLAZE *
Unless your name is penicillin, I *
want nothing to do with you. *

NARRATOR *
It’d be hard to pull off without *
Blaze, but they had no choice. *
There was just one thing left to *
do. *

16 INT. TRACEY’S HOUSE & MIKEY’S HOUSE 16

MIKEY dials 911. TRACEY answers.

TRACEY
911.

MIKEY
Help! Help! I’m being murdered!

TRACEY
What’s the address?

MIKEY
Just kidding. It’s me.

TRACEY
How did you get this number?

MIKEY
I called 411.
FINAL REVISION 60.

TRACEY
Why?

MIKEY
Because I figured you wouldn’t be
into star 69.

TRACEY
I have to keep this line open for
emergencies.

MIKEY
This is an emergency. At 8pm
tonight, turn on your TV.

TRACEY
To what channel?

MIKEY
It doesn’t matter. Wait, I mean,
the public access channel.

TRACEY
Why?

MIKEY
You’ll see.

TRACEY
Get off the phone, please.

MIKEY
Consider you the phone.

TRACEY hangs up.

NARRATOR *
That was the best line he ever had. *

17 INT. TV STUDIO - TELETHON 17

MIKEY and TRACEY hang up. The cast assembles at the public
access studio. They hang up a “$0,000,000” sign, set up some
phone banks, and take their place in dim studio lighting.

VOICEOVER
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the
first annual Big Sausage Pizza
telethon!

SONG #10: “TELETHON”

ALL
61.

Telethon! Telethon!
Telethon! Telethon!

MIKEY
Buttafuoco’s pizza has been a part of this community for over
fifty years.

ALL
Help us keep doing what we do!
We need support from viewers like you!

MIKEY
Take it from Frank, its proud proprietor.

FRANK
It’s all I know how to do!

MIKEY
It’s all you know how to do?

FRANK
Well, not everything!

ALL
Telethon!

FRANK does an amazing juggling act.

ALL
Telethon! Telethon!
Telethon! Telethon!

Pick up the phone and be the next caller


We could use every single dollar!

MIKEY
Donate right now if Buttafuoco’s has left you with a lasting
impression.

THE KID
It left me with several!

ALL
Telethon!

THE KID does a bunch of celebrity impressions.

ALL
Telethon! Telethon!
Telethon! Telethon!

Your donation would be huge


Open your wallet, don’t be a Scrooge!
62.

MIKEY
Look at this old, tired, disgusting woman. Mama Buttafuoco
fled Nazi occupied Europe to open this restaurant. She
doesn’t have much to say, but…

MAMA belts out an incredibly beautiful song.

MAMA
La mia famiglia
Il mio ristorante
mia lotta
mein Kampf
mein Kampf
mein Kampf

FRANK slowly walks off MAMA.

ALL
Telethon!
Telethon!
We promise it’s tax deductible
You can trust us as much as Cliff Huxtable!
Telethon!

END SONG.

THE KID
The phone’s ringing off the hook!

TDLM
It worked!

MIKEY
I don’t hear anything.

THE KID
I know. The phone’s not plugged in.
That’s why we can’t hear it — it’s
off the hook!

MIKEY
Well, plug it in!

THE KID tries to plug in the phone.

TDLM
It’s too late. Come on, everybody.

MIKEY
Where you going, Frank?
63.

TDLM
It’s five minutes to midnight and
we haven’t raised a dime. I knew we
should have had a couple more weeks
of rehearsal. Come on, Mama, We’ll
drive by the VFW and I’ll let you
scream whatever you want.

TDLM and MAMA exit.

MIKEY
I thought we had this. I really
did.

BLAZE enters.

BLAZE
Am I too late?

MIKEY
What are you doing here?

BLAZE
I have something to say.

BLAZE approaches the camera.

BLAZE (CONT’D)
This guy’s got a rotten ass cock.

MIKEY
Come on, man.

BLAZE
But so do I. And you know
something? Our filthy ass dicks may
be rotten ass cocks, but not our
hearts. Our hearts are as clean as
a taxicab. Look, this restaurant
means a lot to a lot of people, and
it’s about to close. We’ve made
some mistakes, but if you’d like to
make a donation to keep this place
open, it’d mean a lot to us. And to
a great group of people.

BLAZE goes to leave.

MIKEY
Just one more thing: Baba Booey.

BLAZE walks off. The phone rings. THE KID answers.


FINAL REVISION 64.

MIKEY (CONT’D)
That was great, man.

BLAZE
Don’t thank me.

MIKEY
I didn’t.

THE KID
You guys! Go ahead, you’re on the
air.

LANDLORD’S WIFE (V.O.)


Blaze?

BLAZE
That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

LANDLORD’S WIFE (V.O.)


It’s me.

BLAZE
Hey, Jen!

LANDLORD’S WIFE (V.O.)


No, it’s me. The Landlord’s Wife.
Are you guys still open for
delivery?

MIKEY
For, like, another minute, yeah.

LANDLORD’S WIFE
Well, I’m really hungry. For a big
sausage pizza. One of Blaze’s. I
know it’s not much, but my
husband’s worth 8.6. If you’re
willing to swing by for a delivery,
I’d be happy to write you a check
for 2.0.

NARRATOR *
It didn’t take much convincing.

MIKEY
Will...

BLAZE
Yeah.
FINAL REVISION 65.

NARRATOR *
Turns out it wasn’t the pizza place
that everyone wanted to have sex
with. It was Blaze. It made sense --
they tallied up how much money they *
made, and between Mikey and The *
Kid, they’d actually gotten tipped *
less than when they were just *
delivery guys. But The Landord’s
Wife followed through on her
promise, and gave them a check for *
2.0. You should have seen the look
on Frank’s face. Actually, you can.

18 INT. RESTAURANT 18

FRANK, MAMA, MIKEY, BLAZE, and THE KID are back at


Buttafuoco’s. FRANK is handing a check to LANDLORD.

FRANK
Here you go: two million dollars
for one month’s rent.

LANDLORD
You could have kept this two
million dollars and bought dozens
of buildings.

FRANK
Let me see that check.

LANDLORD
Wait a second -- Looney Tunes? This
is one of my checks! Did you get
this from my wife?

BLAZE
She’s certainly not a starter
check.

LANDLORD
I’ll see you at the end of the
month. Oh, what a terrible
anniversary.

LANDLORD exits.

TDLM
How are we going to raise next
month’s rent? It’s still two
million dollars.
66.

THE KID
We’ll figure it out.

TRACEY enters.

TRACEY
Hey.

MIKEY
What do you want?

TRACEY
I’ve actually got an order for
pickup, but I was wondering if you
could deliver it.

MIKEY
What’s the order?

TRACEY
A big sausage pizza.

MIKEY
I thought that you hated us,
because we broke the law.

TRACEY
The cop hates it. The person loves
it.

MIKEY
Really?

TRACEY
Why do you think I ordered from you
guys in the first place?

SONG #11: “WEIRD SEX THINGS”


TRACEY

I want to give you a slice of my heart


‘Cuz I’m into really weird sex stuff
It’s why I wanted a taste from this pizza place
And it’s why I carry handcuffs

I want to give you a slice of my heart


And I’ll let you drink my blood when we’re done
It’ll be real nice, so go grab a knife
I promise it will be lots of fun

END SONG.

MIKEY
That sounds like murder.
67.

TRACEY
It’s not murder if I’m a cop.

MIKEY
“Where’s your stuntman now,
Sinclair?”

TRACEY
“I do my own stunts!”

MIKEY and TRACEY laugh.

MIKEY & TRACEY


I want to give you a slice of my heart
With a salad of love on the side

MIKEY
I swear you won’t get sick
Of me and my breastick

TRACEY
Or any toppings I decide

END SONG.

MIKEY
You know, there’s a matinee playing
at midnight.

TRACEY
You read my lips and my mind.

MIKEY
You mind if I take off early,
Frank?

FRANK
I think we can take it from here.
After all...

SONG #1 REPRISE: AUTHENTIC ITALIAN RESTAURANT

ALL
At an authentic Italian restaurant
You can tell we’re authentic by our menu’s font
Canollis, mustaches, wine, and Andes mints
Or bruschetta, or whatever else you want!

We’ve been in this same location fifty years


Our food literally contains our blood, sweat, and tears

FRANK
Between our quality location
68.

MAMA
And our sterling reputation

ALL
We’re not going anywhere, no way!
We’re not going anywhere, no way!

END SONG

HEALTH INSPECTOR enters.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Oh shit, the health inspector!

EVERYONE EXITS.

END.