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SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

SUBMISSION PACKET

WRITTEN BY

GREG OTT

Greg Ott c/o


Paonessa Talent Agency
1512 N. Fremont Suite 105
Chicago, IL 60642
773-360-8749
marisa@paonessatalent.com
1.

(OTT)

“NO CLASS” (FILMED)

BOBBY
CECILY
JON
KYLE
LESLIE
SASHEER
VANESSA

INT. AIRPLANE - DAYTIME

VANESSA, a flight attendant, speaks as passengers board the


plane.

VANESSA
Whether it’s first class, business,
or economy, United is proud to
offer our passengers a wide range
of seating choices. But what about
an option for the passenger who
doesn’t realize that flying in a
plane means going out in public?

BOBBY, dressed in pajamas, and CECILY, wearing a fur coat and


booty shorts that read “DADDY’S PLAN,” both carry garbage
bags filled with luggage as they rush through the cabin door
before it can be shut by VANESSA.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Introducing “No Class,” by United.

BOBBY and CECILY push their way through the plane’s aisle,
squeezing by other EXTRA PASSENGERS who are trying to stow
their luggage.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Book a seat in “No Class” and
that’s your ticket to wear whatever
the hell you want. Booty shorts?
Velour pajamas? United says, go for
it! It doesn’t matter if it makes
other people uncomfortable, because
you’re comfortable.

In one row near the back of the plane, LESLIE is seated at


the window and JON is seated in the aisle. CECILY approaches
the empty middle seat, which is covered in crumbs and stains.
2.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
“No Class” seating is scattered
throughout coach in aisle seats
near toilets and exit rows,
ensuring you’ll be able to yell and
scream about switching your seats
as much as possible. United under-
stands that you don’t understand
how assigned seating works.

CECILY
I guess we’re not sitting together,
unless somebody wants to switch, so
we can sit together!

Near an exit row, BOBBY is wedged between SASHEER and KYLE as


he eats a giant meal on his lap and tray table.

VANESSA
Before takeoff, take advantage of
the extra large tray tables in “No
Class.” It’s the perfect amount off
space to enjoy all that Indian food
you were somehow allowed to bring
onto the plane.

CECILY and BOBBY are both reading magazines.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
In the air, feel free to peruse our
exclusive in-flight magazine,
“Opinions.” It’s filled with the
things you were going to loudly
talk about anyway, like time
zones...

CECILY
How is Pittsburg on Eastern Time if
it’s west of New York?

VANESSA
Bowel movements...

BOBBY
(patting his belly)
I hope nobody’s trying to join the
mile high club.

VANESSA
And noises that the plane makes.

SFX: A plane noise.


3.

CECILY
Now, that can’t be regular!

VANESSA passes out drinks to the cabin. VANESSA hands BOBBY a


Pepsi, which he immediately pours into the seat pocket.

VANESSA
United is proud to serve Coca-Cola
products, but during the flight,
our “No Class” passengers will be
offered Pepsi, which can easily be
left behind in the seat pocket for
someone else to clean up.

The plane cabin shakes slightly.

VANESSA (V.O.)
And, as a special perk only
available to our “No Class” flyers,
you’ll get to lead the round of
applause when the plane lands.

BOBBY and CECILY wildly whistle, cheer, and clap. After


noticing the plane has touched down, they immediately climb
their way into the aisles.

VANESSA
On the ground, feel free to push
your way into the aisle to grab all
of your garbage out of the overhead
bin. After all, why not pack for a
vacation like a hurricane victim?

BOBBY and CECILY sprint down the aisle with their garbage
bags and rush past VANESSA to exit the plane.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
“No Class” from United. Because
you’re going to be stuck next to
them anyway.
1.

(OTT)

“3D PRINTING”

AIDY
BECK
BOBBY
CECILY
KYLE
LESLIE
TARAN

INT. CHICAGO PUBLIC LIBRARY - EVENING

TARAN, the class instructor, stands before the attendees of


his 3D printing workshop. BECK and CECILY, AIDY and BOBBY,
and LESLIE and PETE are each in front of three different
workstations hooked up to large 3D printers.

TARAN
Okay, inventors: on behalf of the
Chicago Public Library, welcome to
our 3D printing workshop! You’ll be
bringing your creations to life in
just a few simple steps, unlike my
Fitbit, which requires 10,000!
Let’s go around and introduce
ourselves before we begin.

BECK
I’m Randall, and this is my
stepdaughter, Jennifer.

CECILY
People call me Jen, not Jennifer,
and instead of seeing Nick Jonas
with my real dad, I’m hanging out
at the library on a Friday night.

AIDY
We’re Jane and Craig Childers, and
this is just fantastic.

BOBBY
First books, then CDs, and now the
future? Thanks, library!

LESLIE
Yeah, I’m Rev, and my boy here’s
Little J-Jay. Just to be clear:
this thing can bring anything back
to life?
2.

TARAN
As long as it’s on that machine,
you can print it. Okay, let’s put
those imaginations to work! Pick
out a template on your computer of
something you’d like to make.

BECK
So many options, sweetheart! Phone
cases, hairbrushes, hangers. What
are we making, a teenage bedroom?

CECILY
We had club level seats.

AIDY
Honey, look at all these different
little soap dishes to help keep the
bathroom clean!

BOBBY
Might give me an excuse to talk
dirty to my wife.

AIDY
Oh, Craig!

LESLIE
Yeah, excuse me, teach. I’ve got a
chicken and egg thing going on.

TARAN
What seems to be the problem?

LESLIE
I’m trying to figure out this
design. Do I start with the skull,
like where he keeps the brains, or
do I need to work my way up from
his shoes and socks?

KYLE
When am I meeting daddy?

LESLIE
As soon as the magic man tells me
where to click, angel.

TARAN
I’m not sure what you mean, but the
machine prints layers from the
bottom up. Do you mind telling me
what you’re trying to make?
3.

LESLIE
As a matter of fact, I do mind. I
mind my own business. So why don’t
you mind your own business, Fitbit?

TARAN
(indicating his Fitbit)
I’m halfway to watering this
flower, thank you very much. And I
hope you’re not trying to print a
person, because that’s physically
impossible.

LESLIE
Don’t you lie to my baby boy’s
face! Two days ago we saw an old
man and a cricket do the exact same
thing to a dicknosed puppet!

TARAN
That’s a cartoon called Pinnochio,
and that puppet was made from wood.

LESLIE
And nobody uses wood anymore,
Madame President! We use computers
because it’s the year 2000.

TARAN
It’s 2016.

LESLIE
Even better.

TARAN
Just pick something normal out,
okay? When everyone’s ready, send
the design to your printer and
it’ll start the creation process.

Smoke clears from BECK and CECILY’s printer, revealing a


yellow hairbrush.

BECK
This is amazing! My little
hairbrush for my little pony.

CECILY
My mom says you buy your cologne at
Walgreens.

BECK
That is not true, young lady. It’s
CVS.
4.

Smoke clears from AIDY and BOBBY’s printer, revealing a green


melon baller.

BOBBY
We made a melon baller!

AIDY
I brought the melons.

BOBBY
And I brought the balls.

AIDY
Oh, Craig!

Smoke clears from LESLIE and KYLE’s printer, revealing a


disgusting, five-foot tall figure made of melting red
plastic. You could say it resembles a charcoal painting of
Philip Seymour Hoffman that you dragged your finger across:
it’s a huge, sticky mess with the form and shape of a human
being that no one could possibly mistake for a real person.

LESLIE
Christ, my king. It worked.

KYLE
Daddy!

TARAN
Oh my god.

AIDY
It looks like my genitals.

BOBBY
She’s right.

LESLIE
I told you I could make this work!
Give your daddy a hug, sweetheart.

TARAN
This isn’t a man. This is hundreds
of dollars worth of Polyamide.

KYLE embraces the melting figure. As he hugs his “father,”


hot plastic sticks to his clothing and skin like honey.

KYLE
Now that you’re back from Heaven,
will you teach me how to get there
before I die?
5.

LESLIE
You’re not going to die, sweet
baby. Not as long as there’s a
public library.
(to the melting figure)
Give me that tongue.

LESLIE passionately kisses the abomination as KYLE continues


his embrace.

TARAN, BECK, CECILY, AIDY and BOBBY look on in horror.

The figure continues to deform and melt as LESLIE seriously


makes out with it and KYLE squeezes its body.

TARAN, BECK, CECILY, AIDY and BOBBY look on in horror.

The figure has completely melted, absolutely covering LESLIE


and KYLE in viscous red plastic. They breathe heavily. After
a moment, LESLIE wipes her mouth to clear a trail of plastic.

LESLIE (CONT’D)
Baby boy, mommy’s got some bad news
for you.

KYLE
Did daddy go back to heaven?

CECILY
I think he’s in hell.

LESLIE
Don’t listen to that girl. Daddy’s
in France now, okay? So grab your
coat and let’s go down to the paper
mache store.

KYLE
I love you, mom.

LESLIE
I love you too, baby.

LESLIE and KYLE embrace. They stick together and cannot


separate.

LESLIE (CONT’D)
Um, a little help?

TARAN, BECK, CECILY, AIDY, and BOBBY try to pull the two
apart.

FADE OUT.
1.

(OTT)

“MACARTHUR PARK”

CECILY
JON
KATE
MICHAEL KEATON
PETE
SASHEER

INT. TRENDY RESTAURANT - EVENING

MICHAEL KEATON and CECILY are seated among many EXTRAS in a


crowded restaurant. KATE, a server, drops off food to MICHAEL
KEATON and CECILY and makes her way to SASHEER and PETE’S
table to take their order.

MICHAEL KEATON
I’m so glad we got dinner tonight.
How’s your soup and salad?

CECILY
I didn’t realize they’d be served
on top of each other.

MICHAEL KEATON
Yeah, this place is great. Hey, do
you know what today is?

CECILY
Pearl Harbor Day.

MICHAEL KEATON
That’s right, AKA our one-month
anniversary.

CECILY
Anniversary? I hope I haven’t been
sending the wrong signals.

MICHAEL KEATON
What do you mean?

CECILY
You’re great guy and all, but I
don’t think I feel the same way
about you as you do about me.

MICHAEL KEATON
Oh. Really?
2.

CECILY
Yeah. I’m sorry.

MICHAEL KEATON slowly turns out, looking at the camera.

MICHAEL KEATON
(singing acapella)
Spring was never waiting for us,
girl. It ran one step ahead as we
followed in the dance...

MICHAEL KEATON turns back to CECILY. He butters some bread.

CECILY
Yeah. What?

MICHAEL KEATON
I was just saying that it seems
like this love just might never be.

CECILY
Well, we only went on two dates,
and both times you took me to this
same restaurant because you said
you’re friends with the sous chef.

MICHAEL KEATON
I didn’t say we were friends. I
said a sous chef is the kind of
person I’d be friends with.

CECILY
Okay. Either way, I just don’t see
this going anywhere.

The music to “MacArthur Park” begins to play. MICHAEL KEATON


slowly turns out, looking at the camera.

MICHAEL KEATON
(singing to music)
Between the parted pages and were
pressed in love's hot, fevered
iron...

KATE, PETE, and SASHEER slowly turn towards the camera and
begin to sing.

MICHAEL KEATON, KATE, PETE, SASHEER


Like a striped pair of pants.

The music stops. MICHAEL KEATON, KATE, PETE, and SASHEER


return to their meals.
3.

CECILY
What are you people doing?

MICHAEL KEATON
What?

CECILY
These people were just singing
about my pants.

MICHAEL KEATON
So what? Everyone gets songs for
their birthdays and marriage
proposals. We can’t sing something
for getting dumped?

CECILY
How do they know all the lyrics?

MICHAEL KEATON
This is a great restaurant!

CECILY gets up to gather her purse and jacket.

CECILY
Look, I think I’m just going to get
out of here. I’ll Venmo you a 15%
tip.

The music returns. MICHAEL KEATON sings to the camera. KATE,


SASHEER, PETE, and the EXTRAS in the restaurant stand up and
perform a powerful choreographed dance. CECILY tries to leave
but the dance keeps getting in the way.

MICHAEL KEATON
MacArthur’s Park is melting in the
dark, all the sweet green icing
flowing down. Someone left a cake
out in the rain. I don’t think that
I can take it, ‘cause it took so
long to bake it, and I’ll never
have that recipe again. Oh no.

CECILY
Have a good night.

The extended music solo of “MacArthur Park” begins to play.


MICHAEL KEATON, KATE, SASHEER, PETE, and the other EXTRAS
continue their dance as JON, dressed as a chef, enters and
does an incredible dance solo. As JON’s solo comes to an end,
he quickly exits and re-enters with an impressive but
disgusting green cake. MICHAEL KEATON, KATE, SASHEER, PETE,
and the EXTRAS resume singing as they perform an extravagant
closing number, encircling CECILY.
4.

EVERYONE BUT CECILY


MacArthur’s Park is melting in the
dark, all the sweet green icing
flowing down. Someone left a cake
out in the rain. I don’t think that
I can take it, ‘cause it took so
long to bake it, and I’ll never
have that recipe again. Oh no.

The musical number concludes. After catching their breath for


a moment, KATE, SASHEER, PETE, and the EXTRAS return to their
meals. CECILY stands still, not knowing how to process what
she’s been watching.

MICHAEL KEATON
Wake up! Wake up! Rachel! You’ve
been having a dream.

CECILY
No, I haven’t.

MICHAEL KEATON winks at the camera. After a moment, he looks


back at CECILY.

MICHAEL KEATON
I thought that might work.

CECILY
Goodbye.

MICHAEL KEATON
See ya.

FADE OUT.