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SKETCH COMEDY SKETCHES

WRITTEN BY

GREG OTT

Greg Ott

337 Union St #2

Brooklyn, NY 11231

248 431 7009

greg.ott@me.com
1

FOLGERS
by Greg Ott

ADAM
ALISON
GREG

(A recording studio. ADAM is setting up a microphone and stand


in the booth. GREG has a guitar and coffee.)

ALISON
Roger, it’s so good to see you again. It’s been too long.

GREG
Good to see you too, Karen. I had to take a bit of personal time for
myself but I’m excited to be back to work.

ADAM
We’re all set. Microphone’s in the studio.

GREG
Studio? I thought this was a one-bedroom!

(ALISON and GREG laugh.)

ALISON
Do you need anything before we start recording? Water? Bourbon?

GREG
You know what, Karen? I got all I need right here. Just need to sing.

ALISON
Well, whenever you’re ready.

(GREG adjusts his guitar and microphone. ALISON joins ADAM in


the control room. GREG gives them a thumbs up and sings.)

GREG
Wake up in the morning / Time to start a brand new day
Roll out of bed, put on your jeans / Let the sunshine lead your way
Pour myself a cup of coffee / That sweet, fresh mountain blend
When it hits my lips, I almost forget / I’ll never see my wife again
And the best part of waking up / Is Folgers in your cup
2

(GREG throws ALISON a thumbs up, sips his coffee, and puts his
guitar away.)

ALISON
Looks like another hit! We get that?

ADAM
We got it, but did he say something about his wife?

ALISON
Sometimes he adds a personal touch to the lyrics. Makes it real.

ADAM
Can we get another one without it, just to be safe?

ALISON
If you insist. Hey, Roger! That was great, but before you go, can we
get one more for safety?

GREG
Yeah -- you gotta have options, right? Got to spend one night in the
Maxwell House to appreciate a mattress full of Folgers!

ALISON
You took the words out of my mouth.

ADAM
What does that mean?

ALISON
I have no idea. Let’s go.

ADAM
Folgers Coffee, take two.

GREG
Wake up in the morning / Pour myself a cup that’s black
It sure does taste delicious / But it won’t bring your wife back
You were downstairs making Folgers / A power line fell on the house
You heard a scream, ran upstairs / Power line had fried your spouse
And the best part of waking up / Is Folgers in your cup

(GREG throws ALISON a thumbs up and sips his coffee.)


3

ADAM
This was even less about the coffee and more about the death of his
wife.

ALISON
He said Folgers twice.

ADAM
We can’t use this.

ALISON
Roger, buddy. I loved the last one, but Dr. Laura over wants just one
more take.

ADAM
Maybe sing about the coffee, and just the coffee.

GREG
Just the thing you need to get going in the morning.

ADAM
Exactly.

GREG
Twelve to sixteen ounces of sweet, black goodness in a mug.

ADAM
Yep.

GREG
Arabaca beans chewed up and spit out...

ADAM
That’s the definition of coffee. Folgers Coffee, take three.

GREG
Electrocuted in the bathtub / Her body was still wet
Blown into a million pieces / Like a human Lego set

ADAM
Jesus Christ!
4

GREG
I could barely recognize her / And was overcome with grief
I tried to put her back together / But she was charred beyond belief
And the best part of waking up / I miss Diane so much
(GREG cries.)

ADAM
Do I have to say anything?

ALISON
I’ll be honest: he didn’t mention coffee once. But give the guy a
break! I think his wife just died.

ADAM
I know!

ALISON
Then you understand how hard this is for him. Hey, Roger?

GREG
I know, I know. I’m sorry. It’s been a rough morning.

ADAM
This happened today?

GREG
Feels like a lifetime. You know, some days I struggle just to wake
up. I don’t know where to begin. It’s so hard to get back on my feet,
and make life seem worth living.
(GREG realizes he’s coming up with a great song and strums.)
I reach for my tin of Folgers / To help me ease my fears and pains
Until it's clear I brewed a pot / Of her cremated remains!
The best part of waking up / Diane, you taste so good!
Oh, the best part of waking up / I miss Diane so much!
(GREG drinks the mug. GREG licks the mug. GREG tries to find
one last drop. GREG breaks down and whimpers. A beat. GREG
regains his composure. ALISON and ADAM stare at GREG aghast.)
I’m going to go brew another pot. You guys want a cup?

ADAM & ALISON


No!

(BLACKOUT.)
1

SAFE SPACE
by Greg Ott

ALISON
ANDREW
EVE
GREG
JOHN
MARIA

(A college classroom. EVE, the teacher, speaks to the class.)

EVE
Today, we’ll be reading your creative writing assignments from
Monday. And before we begin, let’s introduce one more student to the
group who apparently slept through the first class.

GREG
Hey, my name is Greg. Sorry that I wasn’t here. And, that’s all I’ve
got.

EVE
Wow. Did you say your name was Greg or Masaoka Shiki? Because you
just absolutely nailed our first assignment: a haiku!

(EVERYONE applauds.)

GREG
Oh, thanks. That was very intentional.

EVE
Who would like to go first? And remember, this classroom is a safe
space, where ideas can be exchanged freely and nobody will be made to
feel unwelcome.

ALISON
I’ll go first. My piece is called Umlaut: Sizzle, sprinkle, flip.
Pan-seared beef in garlic sauce. Cook fifteen minutes.

(EVERYONE applauds.)

MARIA
Great attention to detail.
2

JOHN
I felt this experience.

EVE
You really captured the human condition.

ANDREW
I have to say something. Um, I’m a vegetarian.

ALISON
Oh, my god.

ANDREW
I don’t think this piece was sensitive to my identity as a herbivore.

ALISON
That’s not what I intended. I didn’t mean to upset you or your
beliefs. Here, how about this: Eating food is wrong. Just drink water
and eat air. Long as it’s organic.

(EVERYONE applauds.)

EVE
Thank you for making that adjustment, Michellery.

ALISON
I apologize to anyone I may have offended.

GREG
I didn’t think that first poem was offensive at all. Can’t she just
say what she wants in her own words?

(EVERYONE glares at GREG.)

EVE
Who would like to go next?

MARIA
I’ll do it. This poem’s called The Cry of the Battlefield: Soldier
waves goodbye. Country, duty, liberty. War is sacrifice.

(EVERYONE applauds.)
3

ALISON
Very brave.

EVE
So brave.

ANDREW
Brave 2000.

GREG
I detected a lot of bravery.

JOHN
I thought it was very brave, but I have to say that I took offense to
some of the language in your poem because I consider myself a
veteran.

MARIA
I’m so sorry. I had no idea.

JOHN
You don’t have Xbox Live. I rose to the rank of Master Chief and died
hundreds of times defending my team’s flag in a cool Jeep. So when I
hear you criticizing the armed forces like that, I find it deeply
offensive.

MARIA
It was insensitive. How about this: Fighting can be hard. Everyone
give sweet kisses. Don’t be bad and mean.

(EVERYONE applauds.)

JOHN
Thank you.

MARIA
Thank you.

JOHN
Thank you.

MARIA
Thank you.
4

EVE
Thank you.

JOHN
Thank you.

EVE
Thank you.

MARIA
Thank you.

GREG
I don’t think he’s a veteran.

(EVERYONE stares at GREG.)

GREG (CONT’D)
Thank you.

EVE
Who would like to go next?

ANDREW
I’ll go. This haiku is called The Whisper of a Thousand Pines:
Listen to the pine trees. Whisper. Whisper. Listen to the pine trees.
Whisper. Whisper. Listen to the pine trees. Whisper. Whisper. If
trees could talk, they’d say, “don’t cut me down.”

(EVERYONE applauds.)

MARIA
It’s true.

JOHN
V. true.

ALISON
You must know some very powerful trees.

GREG
That wasn’t a haiku.
5

ANDREW
I’m not Korean, so I didn’t feel right appropriating a piece of
Korean culture just for the purpose of my assignment.

GREG
Haikus aren’t Korean. They’re Japanese.

DEWAYNE
All Asians aren’t the same!

GREG
I know they’re not the same! I just said they’re not the same!

MARIA
So what’s your poem called? “Mexicans are rapists?”

ALISON
Hey! My parents are rapists.

GREG
Your parents are rapists?

ALISON
Sorry. Flautists.

DEWAYNE
What’s a flautist?

GREG
A flute player.

JOHN
Wow, thanks for mansplaining that.

MARIA
I can’t believe you got to say that and not me.

GREG
He’s a man!

DEWAYNE
Gender is fluid.
6

MARIA
Yeah, he’s a man.

ALISON
And you’re a white man.

EVE
Greg, if that’s true, you’re getting a bad grade.

GREG
I don’t want a bad grade!

EVE
Then I think you owe Debronica and the rest of the class an apology
for your lack of sensitivity.

GREG
I’m sorry, Debronica.

EVE
And?

GREG
And I’m sorry that I was offended that this guy thinks playing Halo
makes him a veteran and that her haiku is a bad recipe.

ALISON
Thank you.

MARIA
Thank you.

JOHN
Thank you.

GREG
Thank you.
(to JOHN)
Thank you for your service.

EVE
Let’s begin the healing process. Jameschael, would you like to read
your piece?
7

JOHN
I would like to love to. Trigger warning: the following piece of
literature alludes to a certain word that could be used to describe a
part of the male anatomy. You’re free and encouraged to leave the
room if the use of this word might upset you.

(EVERYONE except JOHN and GREG leaves the room.)

JOHN (CONT’D)
This dick ain’t for you. You know who this dick is for? This dick
ain’t for you.

(A long pause.)

GREG
Want to go play Halo?

JOHN
Sure.

(BLACKOUT.)
TOWER
by Greg Ott

DANNY
EVE
GREG

(GREG, a cool realtor, leads DANNY and EVE into an apartment.)

GREG
This place is brand new on the market. You’re actually the first ones
to see it.

DANNY
It’s huge.

EVE
Look at this kitchen! Is that a walk-in fridge?

GREG
That’s right. It’s got everything you need: stainless steel windows,
hardwood appliances, heated floors. You download an app and these
tiles heat right up, cook some steaks while you’re lying on the
ground, like our ancestors.

DANNY
Wouldn’t our bodies burn up if we’re lying on a floor hot enough to
cook a steak?

GREG
Wow, where were you when Columbia re-entered the atmosphere?

DANNY
The control room.

EVE
This might actually be too nice. I don’t know if we can afford this.

GREG
It’s actually right in the sweet spot of the price range you gave me:
just a little bit higher than the number you said was the absolute
most you could possibly pay.
DANNY
You can see the whole city from here.

EVE
And the park.

GREG
I’ve got to tell you, this place is like a blow job from Tara Reid:
it’s fantastic, and it’s not going to last long.

DANNY
What do you think?

EVE
I don’t know. Do we really want to live in Trump Tower?

GREG
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let’s not bring names into this. If you like it,
who cares what this place is called?

EVE
I do! Won’t people think that if we live here, we’re supporting him?

GREG
Not everything’s political, okay? I drive a BMW. Does that mean my
grandparents sided with the Axis? They did, but I don’t! Come on, let
me show you what happens when you flush the toilet.

EVE
I don’t think I’d feel right calling this my home. Would you?

DANNY
I’d definitely want to check out this flush, but yeah, it’d be kind
of weird.

EVE
Let’s put this on the maybe list and check out the next place.

(DANNY and EVE go to exit. GREG blocks the door.)

GREG
Hey! Hey. Come on -- I need this, okay? Of course no one wants to
live here. Mario’s not going to move into Bowser’s castle.
DANNY
Not after that kidnapping.

GREG
This place has been on the market since Jeb! dropped out and I’m
going to lose my job if I don’t rent it. Look, I’m down on my knees.
You ever seen American Pie? I’m like Tara Reid right now: I need the
work. What do I need to do to put you in this apartment today?

EVE
The apartment is great! I just think it would go against our values.
Remember why we stopped supporting Chick Fil’A?

DANNY
They got rid of the Spicy Chicken Biscuit.

GREG
I hear what you’re saying about values, but I don’t think you’re
taking into account the value of living at a place that comes with so
many amenities.

EVE
Like what, being felt up by the Secret Service before we were allowed
to get on the elevator?

GREG
It’s like having a doorman, but instead of having one, you’ve got
fifty, and they’re allowed to comb through your finances and fire at
will.

EVE
Well, that’s reassuring.

GREG
And you know the glass is bulletproof, right? I mean, it’s got to be.

EVE
We don’t need bulletproof glass!

DANNY
Yeah, not today…
GREG
Come on, why don’t we go downstairs and sign the paperwork, and I’ll
show you the building’s restaurant. They serve the finest well-done
steaks with ketchup in town.

EVE
No! I don’t want our money going towards supporting this man or his
family! I think it’s disgusting that he’s profiting off the
presidency and I don’t want to live at a home where I’d feel dirty
telling people my address.

DANNY
It’s why we passed up that place at 69 Bigdick Penis Road.

EVE
I appreciate you taking the time to show us this apartment and that
you’d like us to rent it, but I’m sorry. I’d rather be a good person
that’s not going against everything they believe than have a nice
view of the park, two bedrooms, in-unit laundry...

DANNY
That parking space.

EVE
The parking space, stainless steel, the rooftop...

(Pause. EVE realizes she’s talked herself into liking it.)

GREG
Did I mention heat’s included?

DANNY & EVE


We’ll take it!

(BLACKOUT.)