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THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

WRITING PACKET

Greg Ott
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Monologue Sample

[TAKE: SOT: COLD OPEN]


[TAKE: SOT: SHOW OPEN WITH LIVE BAND]
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW! I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IS EVERYONE READY FOR MARCH MADNESS? BELIEVE IT OR NOT, WE’RE ONLY A


FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM OUR SHOW BEING PRE-EMPTED BY NCAA PLAYOFFS.
BUT THE MADNESS IS ALREADY OUT IN FULL BLOOM TODAY, THE FIRST DAY OF
MARCH. A MONTH THAT COMES IN LIKE A LION, AND OUT LIKE A WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.
(SOT)
[SOT: ANCHOR (MSNBC) 2/28/18: “The New York Times’ Maggie Haberman is reporting that
Hope Hicks, White House Communications Director, is resigning today.” - https://youtu.be/
jlDCuakVUxQ]
(ON CAM)
THAT’S RIGHT.
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: HOPE HICKS - https://peopledotcom.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/hope-
hicks-3.jpg]
WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR AND PANTENE PRO-V ENTHUSIAST
HOPE HICKS HAS CALLED IT HOPE QUITS AND RESIGNED.
(ON CAM)
FUN FACT: HOPE QUITS IS ALSO THE PRESIDENT’S SECRET SERVICE CODENAME.

THIS IS BIG NEWS. SHE’S NOW THE THIRD COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR TO


RESIGN IN JUST OVER A YEAR. THE THIRD ONE TO RESIGN! I BELIEVE THAT’S
ALSO THE TITLE MELANIA’S GUNNING FOR.

YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT HOPE HICKS WAS BROUGHT ON TO REPLACE


ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, “THE MOOCH,” BECAUSE HIS MOUTH IS SO DIRTY
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: SCARAMUCCI EATING A PLATE OF TIDE PODS AT AN ITALIAN
RESTAURANT]
THAT HE BECAME ADDICTED TO TIDE PODS.
(ON CAM)
AND “THE MOOCH” REPLACED SEAN SPICER,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: SEAN SPICER AS A GROUNDHOG ON THE WHITE HOUSE
FRONT LAWN]
WHO RECENTLY EMERGED FROM THE BUSHES OF THE FRONT LAWN TO PREDICT
AN EARLY SPRING.
(ON CAM)
BUT HOPE HICKS IS DIFFERENT BECAUSE SHE’S BEEN WORKING FOR MR. TRUMP
SINCE THE BEGINNING, JOINING HIS COMPANY ALL THE WAY BACK IN 2012. AHH
—REMEMBER 2012?
(VO)
[TAKE: VO: 2012 MOVIE CLIP - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oYet52yPgu0]
A YEAR FILLED WITH QUAINT MAYAN PROPHECIES ABOUT THE WORLD FALLING
APART AND COMING TO A EXPLOSIVE, FIERY END?
(ON CAM)
TO THINK THE MAYANS WERE JUST SIX YEARS OFF.

AND SINCE THEN, HOPE HICKS HAS DONE IT ALL FOR MR. TRUMP. SHE’S WORKED
FOR IVANKA’S CLOTHING LINE, SHE’S SERVED AS PRESS SECRETARY.
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: PULL QUOTE: “STEAM HIS PANTS WHILE HE WAS STILL WEARING
THEM” - http://www.newsweek.com/trump-made-hope-hicks-steam-his-pants-while-he-was-
wearing-them-729711]
SHE’S EVEN HAD TO STEAM HIS PANTS WHILE HE WAS STILL WEARING THEM.
(ON CAM)
NOW, THAT MAY SEEM SILLY, BUT SHE WAS CARRYING OUT A CRUCIAL PRESS
SECRETARY RESPONSIBILITY—BLOWING SMOKE UP HIS ASS.

HER OTHER DUTIES INCLUDED TRYING TO GET THE PRESIDENT TO


(VO)
[TAKE: FF: PULL QUOTE: “TONE DOWN SOME OF HIS TWITTER POSTS” - https://
www.nytimes.com/2018/02/28/us/politics/hope-hicks-resign-communications-director.html]
TONE DOWN SOME OF HIS TWITTER POSTS, AND EVEN MAKE MAKE HIM
[TAKE: FF: PULL QUOTE: “STOP SENDING THEM ALTOGETHER” - https://
www.nytimes.com/2018/02/28/us/politics/hope-hicks-resign-communications-director.html]
STOP SENDING THEM ALTOGETHER.
(ON CAM)
AND YET SOMEHOW, PEOPLE THINK PUTTING JARED KUSHNER IN CHARGE OF
BRINGING PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST MEANS *HE* WAS GIVEN THE WHITE
HOUSE’S MOST IMPOSSIBLE TASK.

HER RESIGNATION COMES JUST ONE DAY AFTER BEING INTERVIEWED BY THE
HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE, WHERE SHE ADMITTED
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: PULL QUOTE: “OCCASIONALLY TOLD “WHITE LIES”” - https://
www.nytimes.com/2018/02/28/us/politics/hope-hicks-resign-communications-director.html]
THE PRESIDENT OCCASIONALLY REQUIRED HER TO TELL “WHITE LIES.”
(ON CAM)
WHICH, I BELIEVE, IS ALSO THE NAME OF THE PRESIDENT’S COLOGNE.
(TAKES OUT BOTTLE OF COLOGNE, SPRAYS HIS NECK)
[TAKE: PROP: “WHITE LIES” COLOGNE]
“WHITE LIES: VIOLET SCENTS ON BOTH SIDES.”

SO WITH HOPE HICKS OUT, THE PRESIDENT HAS NOW LOST OVER A THIRD OF HIS
ORIGINAL CABINET. MICHAEL FLYNN’S FLOWN. STEVE BANNON’S ABANDONED.
OMAROSA’S ADIOSA. REINCE PRIEBUS IS ALSO GONE. AND FRANKLY, THE
PRESIDENT IS RUNNING OUT OF ALLIES, WHICH MEANS HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO
START BRINGING MORE PEOPLE INTO HIS INNER CIRCLE. PERHAPS HE COULD
START WITH HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL?
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: ANCHOR (CBSN) 2/28/18: “President Trump is launching a new attack on
Attorney General Jeff Sessions. In a tweet this morning, he wrote that Sessions’ decision to have
the Justice Department’s Inspector General look into alleged surveillance abuses is, quote,
disgraceful.” - https://youtu.be/ekB6Ehb9jE0]
(ON CAM)
DISGRACEFUL! HE BELIEVES JEFF SESSIONS IS FULL OF DISGRACE, UNLIKE
HIMSELF, WHO IS SIMPLY FULL OF SHIT.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,


(VO)
[TAKE: FF: PULL QUOTE: TRUMP REFERS TO JEFF SESSIONS AS “MR MAGOO” -
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/28/politics/donald-trump-jeff-sessions-feud/index.html]
HE’S BEGUN REFERRING TO JEFF SESSIONS BEHIND HIS BACK AS “MR. MAGOO.”
(ON CAM)
NOW, COME ON, MR. TRUMP. THAT’S NOT EVEN A FAIR COMPARISON! MR. MAGOO
WAS PRACTICALLY BLIND! THE ONLY THING JEFF SESSIONS CAN’T SEE ARE
PEOPLE OF COLOR.

IN RESPONSE TO THE PRESIDENT’S ATTACKS, MR. SESSIONS SIMPLY STATED,


(VO)
[TAKE: FF: PULL QUOTE: “AS LONG AS I AM THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, I WILL
CONTINUE TO DISCHARGE MY DUTIES WITH INTEGRITY AND HONOR, AND THIS
DEPARTMENT WILL CONTINUE TO DO ITS WORK IN A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL
MANNER ACCORDING TO THE LAW AND CONSTITUTION.” - https://www.cnn.com/
2018/02/28/politics/trump-sessions-fisa-abuse/index.html]
AS LONG AS I AM THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, I WILL CONTINUE TO DISCHARGE MY
DUTIES WITH INTEGRITY AN HONOR, AND THIS DEPARTMENT WILL CONTINUE TO
DO ITS WORK IN A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL MANNER ACCORDING TO THE LAW AND
CONSTITUTION.
(ON CAM)
WHICH, OF COURSE, TO THE PRESIDENT, IS THE ULTIMATE DISGRACE.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Midnight Confessions

WHENEVER I GO TO A STORE AND CHOOSE THE SELF CHECKOUT, I DROP MY


PANTS AND FEEL FOR LUMPS ON MY TESTICLES.

I ONLY OFFER MY FRIENDS A PIECE OF GUM WHEN IT’S A FLAVOR I BOUGHT BY


MISTAKE.

I NEVER TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I WAS ADOPTED.