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By Jeffrey Stevenson

While I gazed past the bustling port economically seated on the Puget Sound to look at Mount
Rainier, to really look at it, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the amount of time God allowed such
a beautiful view to be wasted on me. Growing up in Tacoma I'd had a literal lifetime of opportunities to
admire its vast magnitude and the pure whiteness of the snow that caps it year-round in a way that very
few people ever will. If not for me being in hiding I may have asked myself aloud: Why is it that the most
wonderful of His glorious achievements in creating our world are ignored until those moments when we
have finally ripped ourselves from the warmth and safety of his light? It is in this vein that I believe His
greatest achievements are overlooked despite constant reinforcement.

My disgust at our own ignorance of His gifts to mankind is why I choose to make Executive
Order 32526 to be the topic of what may be my final article. This action, prohibiting any and all
references to the separation of genders under penalty of federal incarceration, has been universally
acclaimed in all arenas of the Associated Press as an amazingly progressive improvement to the overall
quality of life for those under its domain. Yet I feel it is my journalistic duty to reveal to the public the
other side of this situation that has gone unreported for being far less than idyllic. In the years since its
institution E.O. 32526 has caused widespread confusion and in extreme cases, calamity.

Examples include the ridiculous chain of cause and effect brought upon by the use of the
government-approved term "Person" to describe all individuals in the nation. While hailed as a
important step towards the goal of reaching equality for all, E.O. 32526 has caused issues in all levels of
society. Take into account the Whitehouse girls cheerleading team of Whitehouse, Texas. Once a
perennial top competitor at the both state and national level, in recent years the team has fallen from
grace under the direction of the its new coach, William "Bud" Rousey, formerly of high school football
coaching fame. Upon appointment, Rousey himself was quoted as saying, "Well I suppose I'm flattered
but I can't help but think y'all might could do better with a wo- different 'person'. " before leading the
team to its first ever effort outside of third place in the state tournament.

In addition to being referred to only as 'persons', E.O. 32526 mandates that all individuals be
treated as equals as well. Struggling to comply with this stipulation has caused several establishments to
resort to very unusual measures in order to stay in business. In my own hometown a franchise of the
very popular restaurant Taco Time was forced to hire an armed security guard in order to insure the
safety of its female customers after a male customer decided to camp out in the now public restroom
for several hours. After repeated reports of this behavior causing discomfort for other diners, the
authorities were called to no avail. The man, whose identity is protected due to him not being charged
with a crime, defended his right as a "person" and paying customer to use the newly instituted unisex
bathrooms as long as he pleased. The police were unable to act as there were technically no crimes
being committed. The owners of the eatery were at last able to coax the man into leaving with the
promise of a weeks worth of free meals, provided that the man would refrain from entering the
restroom.

While these anecdotes seem to be a bit comedic, the stark reality of the troubles brought on by
E.O. 32526 can be summarized by the fate of an entire platoon of 1st Battalion 3rd Marines. Nicknamed
the "Lava Dogs" this particular battalion was originally listed as comprising of 700 men and 130 women
until they were forced to comply with E.O. 32526 standards and state that there were made up of simply
800 “soldiers”. This change was considered controversial with ranking officers but considered fine by the
politicians supporting the current Commander in Chief, that is until a platoon of 43 “soldiers” was
deployed into an active warzone in the Middle-East with the task of hunting down a killing local warlord
accused of ambushing, capturing, torturing, and murdering 18 members of the U.S. Army. Because of
the new legal stipulations placed upon the military this platoon was deployed with all members listed
only as "persons" while in reality the unit by happenstance comprised of 3 men and 39 women. When
the group was later ambushed in the field two of the three men were killed and one totally
incapacitated. In keeping with the "No Man Left Behind" policy of the Marines Corps., which by that
time had been augmented to state "No Person Left Behind", the remaining female soldiers attempted to
retrieve their fallen brethren - officially fallen fellow persons. Despite the apparent fact that the task of
dragging these bodies out of the field while under fire was physically impossible, the remaining soldiers
pressed on until the number of wounded outweighed that of those were healthy and they were
ultimately surrounded and massacred. While this tragedy was reported in the news media as a common
failure of military strategy this incident is a vivid caricature of the political situation which we find
ourselves today.

It is my opinion that E.O. 32526 is an action that has caused widespread suffering in
innumerable individual cases because it is a law that ignores one of the fundamental laws of God. Men
and women were created differently not as an error on the part of our creator, but because in his eyes
our lives are greatly improved by the two living an existence that is complementary. This reasoning
being allowed to have influence in our lives is what causes a men to face their fears in order to protect
women and spurs women to think of ways to avoid men unnessecarily putting themselves in harms way.
To once again demolish another pillar of society for the sake of novelty is an exercise in the hubris of
man deciding his way is best, which invokes the wrath of a God many do not choose to acknowledge.
Rest assured my brothers and sisters whether you believe or not is of no consequence to Him, he –
ATTENTION READER, AFTER AN EXTENSIVE MANHUNT THE DISGRACED JOURNALIST TURNED FUGITIVE
PHILIP D. KICK HAS BEEN APPREHENDED FOR DISTRIBUTING INFORMATION THAT HAS CAUSED HIM TO
BE DEEMED A CRIMINAL OF THE STATE. THE PREVIOUS TEXT HAS BEEN REDACTED AND IS NOW
CONSIDERED TO BE CONTRIBAN. IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE READING PLEASE SELECT ONE OF THE PRE-
APPROVED ARTICLES FROM THE ARRAY PRESENTED BELOW.

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