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The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 7 2010
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Roethlisberger‟s TPN Guide to the Top 5 College Threats
return gets By: Diana Ren
Staff Writer
1. PARTIES: Parties are a
great way to relax and meet
panic. It is important to re-
main calm because professors
mixed feelings As college application sea-
son reaches its peak, parents
fellow intellectuals at your
institution of higher learning.
can smell fear. Quietly ob-
serve your surroundings. If
By: Jake Swanson would be well-advised to take However, make sure you have you cannot make a quick exit,
a second look at what that emergency contact numbers raise your hand. When you
Ben Roethlisberger‟s return to glossy brochure isn‟t telling for people who know where are allowed to speak, ask,
the Pittsburgh Steelers is being them about their child‟s po- you will be for the night. In “Mr./Mrs./Dr./Overlord
greeted by both cheers and boos tential alma mater. Indeed, case of kung fu, whiskey pong, ______, why don‟t you ever
by members of the Pittsburgh the average college campus or Libertarians, you will have look at me during?” In the
community. exposes the undergraduate to someone you trust to call and ensuing chaos, leave the build-
The star quarterback was sus- a plethora of threats, includ- remove you from the situa- ing. It is not advisable to re-
pended from a few games after a ing sweatpants, education, tion. Moreover, always keep turn during the semester or
few allegations of sexual harass- soft drinks, crosswalks, ulti- track of your drink. Do not during your lifetime.
ment, rape, and one undisclosed mate frisbee, pollen, and allow others to give you 3. BEARS: Play dead. If
case of public masturbation that beards. The Pittiful News has drinks that you are not famil- circumstances prohibit this,
happened earlier this year. gone undercover at the Uni- iar with. It may be a foul- play the accordion. Studies
However, he will be returning to versity of Pittsburgh to com- tasting beer. show that it may improve
the Steelers this weekend for pile a guide to dealing with 2. CLASSES: If you should cognitive ability.
their game against the Cleve- the five most common on- ever be unfortunate enough to 4. IDEALISM: Idealism is
land Browns. campus risks and hazards. find yourself at a class, do not frequently encountered on
There are a number of people,
though, who do not want to see Threats, Page 2
Roethlisberger return, believing
that he has not had enough of a
“I don‟t think that it‟s time
for his punishment to en‟,” said
Pitt sophomore Erik Mangini.
“I was in fact outraged when I
hear‟ he‟d be back. It ruined my
visit to the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame…which I don‟t go to
much at all.”
However, some people are
really excited for his return.
“If there‟s anything that we
learned from the incidents, it‟s
that Ben is a man who can pen-
etrate the hardest defense they
send his way. He will always
find a way to get into the pocket
and go deep, no matter how
much resistance they put up,”
said Pitt senior Demetri Stills.
Then, of course there are all
those usuals who have no idea
what is going on. Eileen Tong/Staff Photographer
The airplane was either spelling „final‟ and wasn‟t done, advertising for the official IF of aquatic sports, or
Roethlisberger, Page 2 referencing 2000 Dreamcast game Skies of Arcadia. My bet‟s on the third.
2 The Pittiful News——

Conspiracy runs deep with Steelers QB Campus can be scary

Roethlisberger, Page 1 Threats, Page 1
“I heard he stole home McCarter: It’s a huge conspir- The Pittiful News is unsure college campuses. Should you be
base…but that doesn‟t sound acy to bring down the democrat- what to think of McCarter‟s approached by an idealist, it is appro-
like football,” said non- ic government that we’ve sought statements, except that we priate to fend him or her off with
to establish with communist
affiliate Dylan Wentworth. plots. will not be having coffee. phrases such as, “I‟m sorry sir/
One student seemed to know Pittiful News: Well…I suppose Especially not Sunday, since ma‟am, but I have just imbibed an
more about the situation than what he did could be considered the Stillers will be on. Regard- amount of ethanol sufficient to intox-
others, though. Junior Joe amoral. less of how Pittsburghers feel icate an Antarctic Minke Whale, and
McCarter sent the Pittiful McCarter: You have to under- about Ben Roethlisberger, am hence incapable of comprehending
stand. Where did Ben get caught your opinions about logging/cell
News a strange message. they will always agree on
at? Georgia. What was he doing
“Will discuss Big Ben. Meet in Georgia? And which Georgia? them. phones/diversity/high fiber diets/
at Ground Zero. The Ground Pittiful News: Getting some… Antarctic Minke Whales.” It is not
Zero. You know the one.” read and what? McCarter is currently publish- appropriate to respond with, “I‟m
the mysterious message. McCarter: Was he in the state ing a book: “The 9/11 Conspira- sleeping with your mother/brother/
Writers were on a tight Georgia…or the country? The cy: Barack Obama’s Antarctic Minke Whale.”
country was invaded by Russia.
schedule, but managed to use (Successful) Plan to Obtain 5. PASTEURIZED PROCESSED
Roethlisberger…sounds Rus-
the Sydney Bristow airlines to sian, doesn’t it? Power and Level an Interna- CHEESE PRODUCT: The main
make it to New York and back Pittiful News: Yeah…right. tional Landmark to Further His ingredient in 99.9% of campus dining
in a one-hour class break. Anyway, we have Sports Writing Own Religion” choices, PPCP is also the leading
McCarter met writers there, in 12 minutes, but…it’s been cause of College Bloat Syndrome, also
snapping photos of the cool. known as Now Every Dress Makes
McCarter: Yeah, yeah, awe-
Ground Zero wreckage, and My Butt Look Fat. The only known
some. I’ll send you an e-mail
spoke indulged them with an with more! Like, why Big Ben? cure is buying bigger dresses. If you
interview: Has the British government know of an alternative cure, please
McCarter: You want to know fallen already? You can help me! contact the author. She is running
about Big Ben? Roethlisberger? We should get coffee. out of dress money.
Pittiful News: Yeah, I guess.

The Pittiful News

Meetings: W, 8:30 PM, 237 Cathedral.
Distributing: Fridays, 2-3 Towers Lobby
Start thinking up some funny stuff. You could totally win
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