There’s something about Remy…

“Oh, lord…” Rogue whispered as she was coming down stairs for a glass of water. She spoted a peculiar play of shadows and light on the wall facing the door to the activity room which could only mean one thing. The TV was on. And she had a pretty good idea who was watchingTV at that late hour. Jubilee… snoozing in front of the television set. Rogue came near to the sleeping beauty and picked up the remote control to turn off the television. Some weird TV show was on, with two women who were talking about feelings and whatnot. Rogue rolled her eyes and prepared to push the off button when suddenly the two women kissed each other. Now a suspicious looking eyebrow raised itself above it’s symmetrical sister as Rogue continued to watch. She remembered Jubilee mentioning something about a show called “The L-word”, but at the time, Rogue hadn’t been paying attention. Now she understood what that L stood for. “What will they think of next?” she asked rhetorically before turning off the tv set. She leaned over Jubillee and covered her with the sheet that was half on the floor andhalf over Jubillees legs. That girl found the most uncomfortable positions to sleep in but somehow she always looked perfectly perky in the morning. “Curse that teenager flexibility” Rogue thought to herself. She gulped down her glass of water in the kitchen and then went back upstairs to her room. She couldn’t resist checking up on Gambit, just to hear the sound of his breathing for a couple of seconds. She was disappointed when she stuck her head in his room and saw he wasn’t in his bed. She sighed and came in anyway. His room of course was spotless. She came to sit on his bed and ran her hand over the cool sheets. She hadn’t planned on falling asleep in Gambit’s bed. These things just happen…

“Welcome to de glamarous life o’ jewel heists” Remy thought as he ran through the sewer system under New York. The job went perfectly, but soon the perimeter around the building he had just left with a duffle bag full of diamonds would be sealed off, all the cars searched and the drivers held for questioning. Therefore, it was imperative to park his getaway car at a safe distance and the only way to get to that haven of safety was to disappear underground. He stepped on a few rat tails on his way there, but he hoped the rat nation wouldn’t hold it against him. He did like Ratataouille after all. Though he didn’t quite understand why Remy was such a suitable name for a rodent. Pondering that very deep issue he took a wrong step in the sewer sludge and found his legs suspiciously

hanging in the air before gravity, being the bitch that she is, decided to act upon his frail body and he smashed on the ground, hitting his head and knocking himself out. *** "Uhhh..." Waking up was a painful process and it was also a wet process, similar to his birth, Remy thought as he rubbed the back of his head, but this time... he was pretty sure there was no sexy nurse around to slap his butt. His eyes opened and he could see their reflection on the surface of the sewer water. He gently rose to his feet and took of his trench which was soaking. He then fumbled around for his bag which contained the stolen loot. He instead found a hand... a human hand that was still attached to a human torso. Remy took a step back and was now wide awake. The person on the ground was slowly coming to himself. It was a man, same build as him, same height, same... hmm. The man came to sit on his behind, rubbing his neck in a similar fashion as the one Remy had done earlier. He then opened his eyes and sized Remy up and down and then asked in perfect cajun accent: "Cherie... did you trip ol’ Gambit? Dat wasn't very nice o’ you." "Ok, dis is seriously f***ed-up" Remy thought. The guy on the ground looked exactly like him. He could've been his clone... and why did he call him "cherie"? That's something only he uses for... for... Remy just came to notice that he seemed shorter than usual. And not only that but he felt lighter and somehow... bloatier. Yup, definetely feeling some gases in some places that weren't there before. And that was just on the inside. On the outside... Remy quickly covered his face in his hands and where a couple of minutes he would've felt a healthy highly popular with the ladies stublle, now he felt only smooth silky skin, also highly popular with the ladies, but for very different reasons. His... Her hands travelled down his... her neck and landed on her new breasts. Meanwhile, the still masculine Gambit was just getting his barings and simply thought this was a very strange time, place and all around f***ed up situation for the girl who may or may not have tripped him to start feeling herself up. Remy let his hands travel over his belly and reached down and grabbed his crotch. Oh, the horror, oh the pain... "Oh mon Dieu. Je suis une fille!!!!!!!!!!" Meanwhile Gambit finally stood up and nearly fumbled back down. Remy quickly came to support him.

"Thank you crazy lady. Now, would you mind givin’ me my bag I can make a humiliatin’ getaway and we both don't hav’ta know what we were doin’ in a sewer when we bumped into each other. Well at least you don't hav’ta know what I was doin’ because it was pretty obvious what you were doin’, but hey. I've seen sicker stuff. Who am I to judge?" "Listen. Something weird is goin’ on here..." "Something weird is always goin’ on”, Gambit snapped and turned away from the woman. "Don't ya notice anything about me?" "Well... you have an uncanny act to imitate accents. A-ha!" Gambit finally found his dufflebag and placed it on his shoulder. "I ain’t imitatin’ anything... Look at me!" For the first time, the cajun took a good look at the person he'd been sharing the same sewer space with and... It took a while for the information to be processed, what with the concussion and the shock itself, but soon enough Gambit had to admit that: "You look just like me!" "I don't just look like you. I am you!" "Well congratulations to me. I make a pretty hot damzel in the sewer. Now if you don't mind, I gotta get to my car." "What!? Aren't you listenin’ to me? I am you! Something’s happened when I... when you... when we... hit our heads, I mean head. An’ now we're separated. It's like dat episode of Star Trek where Kirk has dat teleporter accident and he gets split up into good Kirk and bad Kirk." "Well you see. You just proved right dere you're not me. I never watched Star Trek." "I can't believe I'm such a liar. Not only did you watch Star Trek, you asked Tante Marie to make you a tribble!" Gambit eyes suddenly grew to manga-esque proportions: "Bartholomew... I miss him."

"See? I am you. Who else would know dat?" "That still don't prove nuthin." "Uh, who else could I be if not you. I have your face, your memories, your powers..." "You even have my cute buns" "So, you don’t believe me?" "Chere, I had my memories absorbed and regurgitated more times dan I can count. I had a homicidal ghostly Tinkerbell stuck in my head. With de things I've seen and been through it'd be pretty damn hard to surprise me. But admitedly, if you really were a female version of myself, I'd probably be surprised. Mais tu n’est pas. Because such a thing c'est impossible. It is far more likely dat you're an illusion of some sort, or a shapeshifter. Hell, I think you're my troubled conscience finally catching up with me. Again. But de one thing you're not is Remy LeBeau, because dere is only one Remy Lebeau, and he is me and I am he and Remy LeBeau comes with a mutant love pump of over 10 inches in length, not a vagina. So you can take your little impersonation act and..." Remy could never stand being talked down to and she certainly wasn't going to take it from himself... She threw the first punch squarely into Gambit's jaw who swung around spitting blood. "Hm, you hit well for a girl." That's when Remy lost it completely and charged. "Was it somethin’ I said?" Gambit thought before his love pump collided with Remy's leg. *** "Merde, I can't believe I'm such an asshole" Remy thought as she was driving the car. Gambit was on the right seat holding his bleeding nose. He took quite a beating. And never once did he hit back. Remy suspected it was because he didn't want to hit a woman, but at the same time, some part of him believed that Remy really was Remy. "I am so confused" she muttered. "Join the club, where we goin’?" "We're goin’ to a bar and we're going to talk about what happened and sort dis thing out." "What would sittin’ in a bar talkin’ do?" "Probably nuthin’, definetely not much. But so help me... I need a drink." "So I just finished de job, I'm runnin’ in de sewer an’ den I trip or slip or somethin’ and je suis knocked out ... and den when I wake up, I'm like dis." "And den when I wake up a crazy person is gropin’ herself in front o’ me" "Will you stop it with de crazy person remarks. Haven’t I convinced you already?”

“You’re just 5,7 beers away from dat chere. In fact, dat’s the amount of beer necessary to convince me dat Magneto is hidin’ in my belly button, coincidentally.” Gambit took another swig of his beer and slumped back in his booth. They were in a seedy, rotten, infested bar in Hell’s Kitchen. The perfect place where nobody would bother them. The only thing is, Remy was getting looks. Lots of looks. Lots of hungry “boy what I wouldn’t do with you and a bucket of gravy” kind of looks. “Hey! Perverts! What are you lookin’ at! I’m not a piece o’ meat ya know” She yelled. “Dey can’t help it. ‘M irresistable” Gambit said and grinned. “So whatever happened to us, Remy continued ignoring that last remark, it happened in de sewer. Maybe we should take some o’ dat water and give it to Hank to analyze. Maybe there was somethin’ in it dat caused dis like in de teenage mutant ninja turtles.” “So what, you’re actually a rat dat just happened to turn into a beautiful woman dat just happens to be de female version of me?” “I didn’t say I mutated from a rat… I’m just saying dat we don’t know where those sewers lead, what kind of mad scientists dump deir crap in de sewer.” “Dere’s not a substance in da world dat can do what you’re implyin’. It’s simple. You weren’t dere, and den you were dere. You didn’t grow out of a petrie dish and you weren’t hiding in de sewer waiting for good ol’ Gambit to come alon’. You simply weren’t, and den you were. Dere’s only one kind of rational explanation for dat sort of happenin’, dat doesn’t involve you being a shapeshifter or one of my hallucinations (and a hallucination you ain’t by de way these loveable characters around here are drooling all over you).” “You don’t mean…” “Mais oui.” “Probability mani” Remy bursted all of the sudden but Gambit came to place his hand on her mouth. He brought his finger to his mouth, signaling his counterpart to speak quietly. “Probability manipulation” she whispered. “But how, and why!” “I don’t know. Mebbe the Scarlet Witch wanted to give de Vision a reason to smile once in a while. Mebbe Franklin Richards hit puberty early. But I do know dat you’re here, you’re real, you’re me and it is physically impossible. Magic or reality warping has to be involved”. “Gambit?” “Yes?” Both the male and the female owners of the name spoke up but they immediately wish they hadn’t when they saw who it was that addressed them.

“What are you doing here Gumbo… and who’s the broad?” Wolverine asked, holding a beer in his hand. “Of all the bars in all de world” Gambit muttered but then spoke up in his most civil, butt kissing tone, which he knew was also Wolverine’s least favourite because he could smell the BS a mile away (or so he claimed)”Heeeeeey. Logan! What a happy coincidence. I can’t believe you found de time to star in dis little story, what with all your comics and your movie comin’ out” “What?” “Not important. Come. Sit with us. Lemme introduce you to my sister… Rem….ella…diana.” “Remelladiana?” Logan asked sizing the girl up and down. “Heh, what can I say. My parents hated me. Our… I mean our parents hated me. “ Wolverine listened but not so much. “Since when do you have a sister, Gumbo. I thought you were adopted. “ “She’s my twin! We just recently found each other! It was the darndest thing…” Wolverine continued to listen as Gambit weaved a story of immense intrigue and unparalled drama, about a poor girl and a poor boy who were separated at birth… bla bla bla. Complete bullshit of course. But the girl was real, and she did look an awful lot like Gambit. And she did smell like Gambit, and speaking of smells… “Jesus, Gumbo. Where have you been? You both smell like you spent a week living in a compost heap.” “Uh… “ “We had an accident” Remy quickly offered. “An accident?” Wolverine asked cautiosly. “Yeah, with a garbage truck.” “An accident with a garbage truck?” “Yeah, it was the darndest thing! We were driving along on the road, sharing memories and having quality family time and then this psycho garbage truck driver, he must’ve been high on speed or crack or whatever these kids are using these days and he had a killer look in his eyes and…”

“Ok, hold it right there darlin’… I don’t need to hear another cockamany story. That’s two uses of the word “darndest” in a 30 second time span… that’s more than I can handle. Obviously you’re both in a big stinkin mess, literally, so I’m going to leave you to it. Just know that I’m watching you for now.” And with that, Wolverine made his exit in the shadows, like the cool Marvel cash cow that he is. “Dat was too close” Gambit muttered. “Yeah, but not close enough” Remy dreamily added. “What?” “Did you see those arms? An’ dat hair. How does he get his hair to stick up like dat? I think I’m gonna go ask him…” Remy was halfway up when Gambit grabbed her by the arm and shoved her back in her seat forcefully. “What are you doin’? Vous etes completement fou?” “I can’t help myself… It’s, Wolverine… I just wanna to, rip his clothes off with my teeth!” “Oh mon dieu…” Gambit placed his hands on his temples, feeling as if nine inch nails were being driven into them. “Ride him till his knees buckle and he pops like warm champagne” Remy continued. “Stop, for de love of Dieu, stop!” Gambit shrieked with his palms on his ears now. “It’s his raw animal sexuality. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it! I know you have” “I’m not hearin’ dis. Lalalala” “Yeah, you thought about it. All dose times you were both workin’ out in de gym, you kept ooglin’ him” “Because he kept stealin’ my towel! Dat wasn’t oogling. Dat was righteous sweaty indignation” “An’ in de shower…” “Wolverine’s been to jail! Of course I’d wanna keep an eye on him in de shower!” “You can deny it all you want, but I know you better dan you know yourself. And now excuse me, I’m gonna go flirt with a canadian midget. He won’t be able to say no. Like you said, I’m irresistable.” “Dat’s it…”

Gambit grabbed her arm and shoved her outside in a dark alleyway. “Hey… You want me to kick your ass again?” she spat in his face. “I wasn’t even tryin’ last time. Now you listen to me. I’m the real Gambit here, not you. I don’t care if God himself created you from my rib or if Franklin Richards farted you into existence. I’m real and as such I get to decide what you can or can’t do. And the one thing you absolutely can’t do… is sleep with anybody. “ “Oh yeah. Why? Since when are we such prudes?” “I don’t wanna get pregnant, least of all with Wolverine’s demon offspring” “Oh, you still tink dis is all about you.” “… it is all about me! It says so in de title of de story” “What?” “Never mind! Anyway, you know de rules. No sleepin’, no kissin’, no flirtin’ and no holdin’ hands, no gigglin’, no tee-hee-hees or ho-ho-ho’s.” “Why?” “And definetely no: “Gee Wolverine, how do you get your hair to stick straight up like dat?” “WHY!?” “Because we love Rogue, fat’s why!” Gambit shouted off the top of his lungs, frustrated by the whole situation. Remy looked at him in awe and morbid fascination. “Wow… she said mouth agap. We, we do, don’t we?” Gambit hung his head in shame, embarassed about that little confession. “Oh mon Dieu. We love Rogue, Remy continued. So completely, so passionately. I’ve never… I’ve never been so in touch with my emotions before.” Gambit now raised his head, concerned with where this was going. “We love Rogue! But why… why haven’t we told her?” “Uh-oh!” “We should tell her! We should call her… You should call her right now and tell her!” “No!” Gambit really didn’t like where this was going. “What do you mean no?” “No. Non. Niet. Nein. N to de o, no! Ya dig?”

“No… I don’t dig. Being female has released me from all your inhibitions. I now realise how utterly batshit crazy in love I am, and I’m going to tell Rogue de truth. Tonight.” “Listen … you… me. I will not hesitate to give myself a whuppin, I don’t care what I’m packin’ between my legs” Gambit said and then quickly went over his sentence to estimate if it made any sense. He quickly asserted that it didn’t. “You know dat list about no sleepin’, no kissin’, no holdin’ hands… you can add “no talkin’ to Rogue”. “But…” “B-b-b-but. No buts! Please Remy… let me do dis in my own way, my own time.” Remy was the one to hung her head low as a sign of concession. “Ok, she whispered. But if I’m goin’ to suffer from a broken heart, I’m gonna to need a lot more booze” A lot of beers later… “Hey Gumbo.” Wolverine’s voice woke up Gambit who had just started to doze off, with his head on his arms, leaning on the bar, atop a very uncomforable looking stool. “Hey Gumbo, Wolverine spoke again. Your sister is hot” Gambit raised his head to see the canuck plopped on the stool to his left. “Wh-what?” he had trouble controling his tongue, not to mention the cacophony of sounds in his head at that particular time. “Is she seeing anybody?” Wolverine asked in a neutral tone, staring at some invisible point in place. “She’s not my sister, Logan. Gambit decided to come clean. She’s me, I think. Up until three hours ago. She didn’t even exist. She just appeared out of thin air, a vagina packin’ version of yours truly.” “Three hours you say… so she’s definetely not seeing anybody” Oh the pain, oh the horror… “Didn’t you just hear me? She’s me. She’s a result of some tamperin’ with de fabric of reality. ” “Oh I heard you. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s hot.”

“Are you insane? Didn’t you just hear me? She’s me! I am her!” “I heard you Gambit. Come on… you can’t deny… there’s always been something between us” Wolverine’s strong manly fingers came to rest on Gambit’s arm and then the canuck blew him a mock kiss. Gambit wished he could scream but soon found himself engulfed in darkness. He woke up frightened to death, to see Wolverine leaning over him. “Get away, I’m not interested” Gambit yelped and jumped back, causing the stool he had been sleeping on to fall over. “What are you talking about Gumbo? Interested in what?” Gambit looked around disoriented. He was in the bar, but it was much later than he had imagined. He also noticed somebody was missing. “Where is she?” “Your sister?” “What!? Yeah… yeah, my sister.” “She said something about coming clean and then she split about half an hour ago. I can track her scent if you want.” “No, don’t bother. Unfortunately, I know exactly where she’s going.” Gambit reached the mansion just before dawn. His feminin side had stolen the car but luckily, Wolverine’s bike was closeby and it was a lot faster than the dingy old Gambit mobile so he made up plenty of time. He punched in the necessary security codes and bursted through the front doors. He ran up the flight of stairs to Rogue’s room. From the corner of the stairs he spoted a shadow that looked like that of a woman. He lunged and grabbed the woman by the knees. They both toppled over: “Gambit! What do you think you’re doing?” “Uh-oh, sorry Stormy” Gambit’s face grew redder. “I’m so sorry… I thought you were… Nevermind.” He quickly got up and opened the door to Rogue’s room. Only to find an empty bed. He panicked. Did Gambit already get to her? Were they somewhere sharing uber embarassing stories about him? How could this happen. He would have to move somewhere really really far away. Like Nebraska for instance. “Gambit, Rogue is not here… she fell asleep in your room.” Storm Said. “or mebbe not…”

He quickly ran back down the steps and briskly entered his room. There she was was, or there he was. Just leaning over Rogue, preparing to wake her. “Remy!” he said in a hushed but determined tone. “Don’t!” “No more games, Gambit. No more bets and no more bluffs. It all comes out now” “No… please… “ Two pairs of red on black eyes glowed in the dark like little evil fireflies. “Je suis desole. But you’ll thank me some day” The girl shook Rogue’s shoulder and gently told her to wake up. Rogue yawned and then gently her eye lids parted. And the female Remy disapparead, leaving only one Gamit in the whole universe, to his relief. Rogue rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stood up. “Remy! Is that you?” “Yeah Rogue, he said climbing on the bed beside her. It’s me.” He hugged her shoulders and she placed her head on his chest, yawning again. “Ah had the weirdest dream. Ah dreamt you were a girl. Isn’t that funny?” “Hilarious. Was I hot?” “Yeah, cute buns and all. And Wolverine was hitin’ on you” “You know… dat sounds very familiar…” “Gambit?” “Oui, Roguey?” “You need a shower…” … “So did you come up with an explanation?” Wolverine asked sipping on his beer. They were in the same bar as the night before. The atmosphere was just as seedy, but the music was definetely better. “As far as I can tell, Gambit offered while staring in his bottle, Remelladiana… was a manifestation of Rogue’s subconcious. She must’ve absorbed some mutant with reality warping powers at some point. And voila… instant emasculated Remy. I told de professor to have some more sessions with her. To prevent dis from happenin’ again,” “Interesting.” Wolverine grumbled and took another swig of beer.

“It was definetely a learnin’ experience. She made me think about a lot of things, made me realise things about m’self, I never even knew existed. Gambit remained quiet for a while but den returned to his usual snarky self. You never told me. Did you think she was hot?” Wolverine put on his best poker face and then said: “No offence Gumbo, but you ain’t my type.” “I’ll drink to that!” he said and offered his bottle of beer for an impromptu cheer.

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