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HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY FOR CAE

The main purpose of an essay in the Cambridge English: Advanced (CAE) Writing paper is to underline relevant
salient issues on a topic, and to support an argument with subsidiary points and reasons.

In the essay question, you are given a topic and three bullet points. A set of notes/opinions is also provided. You can
make use of them, but you should use your own words as far as possible. You are asked to write an essay discussing
two bullet points and explaining why one of them is more important in a given respect.

Factors contributing to the increase Some opinions expressed in the discussion:


in international travel
· It’s quicker to fly abroad than to take a train to the north of my country
· Methods of transport
· My company has offices in 12 different countries
· Global business
· People have developed a love of other cultures through TV and film
· Media

Essay structure
INTRODUCTION Introduction: Give brief outline of the topic. Introduce the topic from general to
concrete. You may want to discuss why the topic is important in today’s society;
analyse where the problem stems from by providing some historical background;
POINT 1 or reflect on the state of affairs by posing a rhetorical question on the topic. Do
not state your own opinion in this paragraph, but develop your essay in such a
way that it guides the reader to the conclusion you draw
POINT 2
Points 1 and 2: Start the paragraph with a topic sentence. A topic sentence
essentially tells readers what the rest of the paragraph is about.

CONCLUSION Include examples, conclusive and surprising facts to support your argument. Feel
free to include drawbacks when presenting the facts, as it will show that you are
aware of all possible issues.

Conclusion: When developing the conclusion paragraph, go from the specific to


the general. Remember not to include any new arguments here and make sure
your conclusion follows logically from your arguments.

A solid conclusion should stress the importance of the thesis statement, so feel
free to state your opinion on the basis of what you have written in the previous
paragraphs.

Give the essay a sense of completeness: Echoing your introduction can be a good
strategy if it is meant to bring the reader full-circle. If you begin by describing a
scenario, you can end with the same scenario as proof that your essay was
helpful in providing a new insight into the issue.

Aim to leave a final impression on the reader. You may want to look to the
future and reflect on the consequences of a given action / attitude / behaviour /
way of thinking etc. Conditional constructions are useful when it comes to
getting these ideas across.
Marking criteria and tips

The writing assessment scale is divided into four subscales.

1- Content focuses on how well the candidate has fulfilled the task; in other words, if they have done what they
were asked to do. You will get full marks if you give a proper outline of the topic, contrast both bullet points and
reach a conclusion as to which point is more important.

2- Communicative achievement focuses on how appropriate the writing is for the situation and whether the
candidate has used the appropriate register. You will get top marks if you write in a formal style, get to hold your
reader’s attention, convey complex ideas effectively when explaining and justifying.

3- Organisation focuses on the way the piece of writing was put together; in other words, if it is logical and ordered,
and the punctuation is correct. You will get top marks if you write four paragraphs, organise your ideas neatly, use
linking devices and provide your text with progressivity.

4- Language focuses on the candidate’s vocabulary and grammar. This includes the range of language as well as how
accurate it is. You will get top marks if you use a topic specific vocabulary, collocations, a wide range of grammatical
constructions and you choose your words accurately. Remember that the register used in essays is formal and this
should be reflected in your choice of linguistic devices when developing your ideas.

How to do the paper

Before writing

· Spend around 10 minutes thinking about and planning your writing. Your answers should be well-organised with
clear linking of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. In the exam, you won’t probably have enough time to
write a rough answer and a final, neat copy, but if you plan properly this will not be necessary.

· Process all the information before you choose which two points you want to write about and decide what your
conclusion will be. Make sure you have enough ideas to write about the points you choose and that you can think of
reasons for your opinions.

· Remember to use an appropriate style. Make your argument as interesting as persuasive as possible, but do not
show emotion in your writing.

After writing

· Make sure your answer is neither too long nor too short. If you write too much, you may include irrelevant
information, which may mean that you don’t cover the required points adequately and, thus, have a negative effect
on the target reader

· Leave enough time to read through your answer. You should check that you included all the points necessary to
answer the question and that you have given enough detail on each point. Make sure you have included all the
language functions required in the task. You should also check for mistakes in grammar and spelling (you can use
British or American spelling, but do not mix them up)
Useful vocabulary

Expressing an opinion

· It is probably true to say that… Referring to sources

· There can be no doubt that… · All the evidence suggests that…

· It is simply not the case that… · A recent study/survey proved that….

· It is worth pointing out that… · Recent research has found that…

· It is doubtful that…

· It would be infinitely preferable to… Describing causes

· It goes without saying that …. could play a significant · One factor which has led to … is…
role…
· One of the factors which has brought this about is …
· We must take into account the fact that…
· The problem often stems from …

· The situation has been exacerbated by…


Commonly held views
· … has only made the situation worse
· It is widely believed that…
· … has contributed enormously to…
· It is generally agreed that…
· This means that…
· There are those who argue that…
· This is largely due to…
· It has recently been suggested that…
· …has resulted in …
· Few people would contest the fact that…

· It is often claimed that…


Proposing steps and measures
· No one would dispute the fact that…
· As regards the most appropriate response to this
· Opponents / supporters / proponents of _ argue situation, one suggestion would be to…
that…
· The first step to be taken would be to …
· According to X, …
· To alleviate the situation people should …

· To begin to tackle this situation, … needs to…


Introducing a phenomenon
· … would certainly ameliorate the situation
· More and more families are choosing to have only
· This can only be dealt with if …
one child
· To overcome this problem, …
· Over the past few years, the media have frequently
carried reports of… · Were the government to…, the situation would
doubtlessly improve
· Recent research indicates that… is increasing
· Individuals can do a great deal to …
· Hardly a week goes by without another report of …
appearing in the media · The burden of responsibility lies in the hands of…
· This raises the issue of whether… · Legislation should be introduced to control…
· Although most people would agree that …, few
would deny that …

· _ is often a hotly-debated topic that often divides


opinion
Concluding

· All in all it seems to me that … Grammar that will impress

· The obvious conclusion to be drawn is that… Inversion

· All things considered / All in all, … Only when famine affects developed countries will
world governments begin to act
· On balance, I tend to believe that …
Cleft sentences
· The world would surely be a better place to live in if
It is … that has had the most significant influence on
· If people stopped …, we could look forward to a …
this
· The prospects for the future will be bleak/grim
What has had the most significant influence on this
unless…
is…
· Despite all the arguments, I still feel that…
Conditionals with inversion
· Having weighed up the pros and cons of…
Had the people not been fully aware of this, the
· The advantages outweigh the disadvantages situation would have been much worse.

Looking at both sides of a topic Participle phrases


· Advantages and disadvantages
Given the choice, most people would probably choose
· Pros and cons
good health over good fortune
· Strengths and weaknesses
· Assets and liabilities Double comparatives
· Gains and losses
The richer one grows, the greater one’s worries.
· Opportunities and obstacles
Recently, people are finding more and more time to
spend with their families.
Your class has recently watched a television documentary on ways for governments to reduce traffic congestion. You
have made the notes below:

Ways for government to reduce


Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
traffic congestion
· Maybe people would use buses if there were more of them
· Public transport
· We need fewer cars on the road, not more
· Road building
· There should be limits on where and when you can drive
· Legislation

Tackling traffic congestion: what should be done?

Give a title to At the beginning of the 20th century, a car was a luxury that many could Reasons why
your essay not afford, but since then, the number of vehicles on the streets of the problem
industrialized countries has soared. The simple fact is that most urban should be
areas were never designed to cope with such high levels of traffic. It tackled
seems ironic that as car ownership has increased, the quality of life for
Describe briefly
people living in cities has, in some ways, diminished. Traffic congestion
the previous
creates stress, pollution and many types of health problem. It is an issue
and current
state of affairs that governments must address.

One approach that policy-makers could take is to introduce more


legislation regulating the use of private vehicles. In certain countries, for
example, drivers are required to pay a toll once they cross the boundary
of the city centre. In some cases, car drivers are also restricted to using Note the contrast
Each paragraph one lane only, leaving the other lanes for buses or taxis. Unfortunately, between the two
discusses one there is evidence that neither of these measures has reduced traffic to approaches which
bullet point. are suggested. The
any significant extent.
first one is hopeless
An alternative approach would be to make public transport more and inefficient, the
attractive to potential passengers. According to a recent online poll, it second one is
is inconvenience rather than cost which deters people from using buses. hopeful and
Relatively formal efficient
Local authorities would therefore need to provide a much wider range
register with
of bus routes, and run far more frequent services.
impersonal language
in general. In conclusion, an improved public transport system would certainly
require considerable financial investment, but in the long term, it might
be a cheaper option than borrowing money to fund new road-building
projects. This is the strategy that I would recommend governments
adopt.
Clear indication of
which approach is
more important
Your class has attended a panel discussion on what methods the government should use to encourage people to buy
products produced in your region or country. You have made the notes below

Methods government could use


to encourage consumption of Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
local products
· People are not aware of what is produced locally and what comes from outside
· Advertising campaigns
· Local products are often among the most expensive. They should be cheaper
· Education
· The producers won’t use the subsidies properly
· Economic subsidies

Promoting locally produced goods

Members of the local business community often complain


about the lack of support for locally produced goods. The Do state the
Don’t state your
public’s indifference to local products is both the result of a lack problem at the
opinion in the
first paragraph. of awareness and the huge variety of imported goods available. beginning of
There is clearly scope for the government to do something your essay
about this situation. In this essay I will discuss two possible
approaches that could be taken.

The first of these is a public service advertising campaign. This


Do maintain a
would alert people to the many benefits of buying local goods.
Do use rhetorical balanced view.
The campaign could be supported by labelling products as
questions to involve Don’t be too
locally made. While this would almost certainly lead to a greater categorical
the reader. But don’t level of awareness of the advantages of buying locally, more
overdo it
could still be done to make local goods more competitive in
terms of price.

A second tactic could be to offer subsidies so that goods can be


sold more cheaply. There are some drawbacks to this approach,
Do use a relatively however. Where, for example, is the guarantee that the
formal register and producers would use this funding appropriately? This issue can
an objective tone.
be addressed by introducing a system of quality control. The
Don’t be too
public could thus rest assured that the local products offer good
emotional
value for money.

In my view, advertising and subsiding local products must go


hand in hand. Once awareness has been raised, community Do give your
spirit might well lead people to choose local products. If, into opinion in the
the bargain, they see that they are superior in terms of quality final paragraph
and price, there will be far less temptation to buy products from
abroad
You have watched a television discussion about methods governments could adopt to encourage people to take
more exercise. You have made the notes below.

How can governments


encourage people to take more Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
exercise?
· People already know the benefits of exercise, but don’t do enough about it
· Better education
· Many forms of exercise are free
· Free facilities
· Employers would benefit from a healthier workforce
· Exercise time at work

MODEL ANSWER

It is generally accepted that people today take


insufficient exercise. This, combined with a poor diet,
can lead to ill health and a poor quality of life. In view of
this, it has been suggested that governments should act
to encourage more exercise. I shall consider two of the
proposed methods.

Probably the most important action governments could


take would be to introduce an education programme
into all schools. In addition to publicising the benefits of
exercise, this would make exercise a compulsory part of
the school curriculum and get young people used to
following an exercise regime. In my view, however, for
this to be truly successful, there should be a
corresponding programme aimed at adults. If parents
took part in an exercise programme put on by the
school, they would be supporting what their children
were being taught.

It has been suggested that if exercise facilities were free,


there would be an increased public take-up. In theory,
this seems an excellent way of encouraging adults to
exercise, but in practice I am doubtful. It is based on the
assumption that exercise depends on money, whereas
in fact walking and cycling, two very effective ways of
keeping fit, are free and can be fitted conveniently into
most people’s daily routine. Therefore, in my opinion,
providing expensive extra facilities is unnecessary and
would be a misuse of public money.

In view of the above arguments, I believe governments


should introduce education programmes aimed at
people of all ages because this is the most cost-effective
means of achieving the desired goal.
You have just listened to a local radio discussion programme about ways in which your town could be improved. You
have made the notes below.

Which facilities should the town


council support if they are to Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
improve our town?
· Not everyone likes theatre, ballet or opera
· Cultural venues
· Shops are crucial if we are going to bring prosperity to the town
· Shopping centres
· Keeping fit should be a top priority for everyone
· Sports clubs

MODEL ANSWER

Our town used to be a thriving place but over the past decade it has
become very run down. It is therefore important that we think carefully
about how to prioritise any planned improvements.

Do use linkers One of the major problems in the town is our lack of good sports
to make your
amenities. The present gymnasium is very small and the equipment is
writing flow
out of date and very unreliable. As I am sure most people would agree,
fitness plays an essential role in the health and happiness of all the
inhabitants of our town and that is why I believe it should be our top
priority.
Do use advanced
grammar
Of almost equal importance is the need for adequate cultural venues in
constructions our town. Although the town boasts a well-established theatre, a new
art gallery or cultural centre would make a significant contribution to
the educational opportunities available to local people, as well as
offering another place of entertainment and recreation. Nevertheless, it
is likely fewer people will take advantage of these facilities than will use
Do use advanced the sports club and for that reason I believe they should take second
vocabulary place.

To sum up, to enhance our town we eventually need both the new
sports facilities and the cultural venues. Given the need to prioritise,
however, it seems clear that sport should come first. Having attended
to that area, we can later turn our minds to the cultural venues we so
desperately need.
Following a class discussion on how technology has affected the way we live today, you have made the notes below.

Which aspect of our daily lives


has been affected most by Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
technology?
· It’s great to be able to communicate with people 24 hours a day
· Communication
· It’s so hard to make personal relationships – everyone’s online all the time
· Relationships
· People have an easier working life because they can work from home
· Working life

MODEL ANSWER

Technology is such a feature of everyday life that it is


Introduce the difficult to remember what we did without it. It impacts Use rhetorical
topic in on almost every aspect of our daily lives. But where has questions to engage
general terms technology’s greatest impact been? the reader and lead in
to the discussion
Firstly, technology has affected the way we make
relationships and our expectations of them. It is
increasingly common to find people with more friends
on the internet than in real life, and they spend more
time chatting to cyber friends than they do to real world
friends. Although feeling part of a wider community like
this can be positive, it could also have a negative effect
Do use topic
on people’s ability to relate to others on a personal
sentences at the
Support your level. In turn, this could make it hard not only to
beginning of
ideas with establish relationships initially but to maintain them. your paragraphs
examples The impact of this development on society is clearly
enormous.

Another area in which technology has affected people’s


lives is in the workplace. Sitting in open-plan offices
working at computer screens creates an unsatisfying
Show that you
and unsupportive environment. On the plus side,
appreciate other
points of view as
technology also enables people to work from home,
it strengthens which can lead to a healthier work/life balance. Of
your argument course, people may also find this difficult as it can lead
to isolation.

To sum up, it appears that the impact of technology has


Make sure your
been greatest on the way we form relationships,
conclusion
because this affects people emotionally as well as
follows from
practically. However, given that it is impossible to your arguments
return to a world without technology, we must accept clearly
its increasing impact on our lives in as many areas as we
can.
Your class has watched a round-table discussion about what young people can learn from older generations. You
have made the notes below

Areas where young people


Some opinions expressed in the discussion:
could learn from older
generations · People with work experience can tell you what the job you’re considering is
really like
· Work
· Older people can give wise advice when you have a problem with a friend
· Relationships
· It’s hard to manage your money when you start living independently
· Money

MODEL ANSWER

It goes without saying that there are many ways in


Restating the
which young people can learn from the older
subject is an easy
generation. In both their work and their private lives,
strategy to follow
youngsters can benefit from the experience of their
elders.

As far as work is concerned, the older generation can


Topic sentence explain how young people can achieve the career they
dream of. For example, they can recommend what to
focus on in order to acquire the skills that will give them Three ways older
the best chance of success. They may also be able to people can help young
give invaluable pointers as to which companies they people as far as work
would advise either applying to or, conversely, not in concerned
applying to. It may even be the case that the older
person will be able to use their own contacts to help the
younger one to find a position.

Older people may also be able to use the benefit of their


Topic sentence own life experience to help young people with
relationships advice. It can happen that older people
wish they had acted differently in their own
relationships and so they may wish to encourage
youngsters to avoid similar mistakes. If young people
are prepared to listen to this kind of advice it may well
prove useful for them.
Using advanced grammar
will help you express your Of the two areas of life discussed above, I think young
ideas effectively people can learn most from older generations in the Clear indication of
field of work. After all, no relationships is the same and which approach is
so what might be right in one situation might not in more important
another. Advice relating to careers is more likely to be
relevant to a variety of differing contexts.
Your class has listened to a radio discussion about how to help people live healthier lives. You have made the notes
below:

Measures to help people to live healthier lives Some opinions expressed in the discussion:

· Education · People need to know about the benefits of exercise and healthy diet

· Legislation · There should be laws that totally ban unhealthy habits like smoking

· Facilities · The government needs to sponsor facilities to make them affordable for everyone

MODEL ANSWER

The paragraph It goes without saying that good health is of benefit both to
broadens the scope of individuals and to the society in which they live. It is easier
the subject by linking for healthy people to be happy, and they are also usually
health to happiness able to contribute more to the life of their community.
and benefits to society
But what can be done to encourage people to live healthy
lifestyles? Clearly education has a very important role to
play. This starts at primary school when the young child can
learn about the value of exercise and a healthy diet. Try to consider more
However, education should not only be aimed at than one possibility.
schoolchildren. Adults, too, need to continue to be Education doesn’t
Rhetorical question to
reminded about the importance of being active and eating have to be related
introduce the paragraph
nutritious food, through, for example, TV documentaries only to children
and newspaper or magazine articles.

Education alone, however, is not enough. People need to


have easy access to facilities which will enable them to Think about the
exercise in an enjoyable way. There should be a nationwide consequences of
The topic sentence here network of sports centres, offering a range of classes and not taking the
links the third paragraph activities to suit all tastes and abilities. If attractive right measures
to the previous one opportunities are not available, people are all too likely to
slip into bad habits.

Of the two measures outlined above, education is the more


effective one. It is more far-reaching in that it relates to all
aspects of living healthily. Moreover, it is, after all, through
Make your opinion
education that a person will learn why it is better to go to
clear as to which
measure is better
an exercise class than to lie on a couch in front of the
television.
Your class has listened to a panel discussion about the benefits to a country of people gaining experience of life
abroad. You have made the notes below

Benefits to a country of people spending time abroad Some opinions expressed in the discussion:

· Business · People who’ve spent time abroad are then well equipped to conduct
business with different countries
· Culture
· It teaches people about different traditions in local cultures
· Understanding
· People become aware that there are other ways of looking at the world

MODEL ANSWER

When people spend time abroad, it is clearly an enriching


experience for them as individuals, but the fact that they
have gained this experience also brings benefits to the
society in which they live.

Firstly, there are advantages for business. If people have


spent time living in another country, they will have acquired
some knowledge of the language of that country. They may
not have become fluent, but they will almost certainly be
able to communicate in that language. They will also have
learnt about the mentality and customs of the society in
question and this, along with their language skills, will stand
them in very good stead when it comes to doing business
with that country.

Secondly, there are cultural advantages. People who have


lived abroad will have experienced the cultural life of a
country different from their own. They will have listened to
new kinds of music and seen fresh approaches to painting
and other visual arts. If they are artistic themselves, this will
have a very positive impact on their own creativity, which in
tum will bring benefits to their own society as well as to
them as individuals.

Of the two benefits to society of foreign travel which have


been discussed above, the more significant is, in my opinion,
the business one. Successful business between countries
has all sorts of positive consequences, from increased
employment opportunities to better working conditions for
staff. The travel experience of employees is only one small
factor contributing to business success, but it certainly plays
a not insignificant part in this.
Your class has listened to a radio discussion about how important it is to keep up-to-date with aspects of culture and
current affairs. You have made the notes below:

Some opinions expressed in the discussion:


Aspects of culture and current affairs where people like to
· Being well-informed about what’s going on in the world may
keep up-to-date
help us to avoid problems in the future
· News
· Fashionable clothes make people look more interesting – and
· Fashion they don’t need to be expensive

· The arts · Knowing about the latest books and films gives you lots of
interesting things to talk about

MODEL ANSWER

It is generally accepted that it is a good thing for people


to keep themselves informed about what is happening in
the world, to be up-to-date with current events and
trends. But which aspects of life is it most important to
know about?

Firstly, people need to know about the news. They need


to know about the main social and political issues facing
not only their own country but also others. It is part of a
person's important general knowledge to have an
understanding of the situation in different places around
the world. This will mean reading more than one
newspaper on a regular basis, as well as watching the
news and documentaries about social issues on
television.

Secondly, it is important to keep up-to-date with the arts.


We should all know what is going on in the worlds of
music, theatre, books and art. I do not mean that this
should include only highbrow culture. I believe that we
should all also know about popular singers and writers.
Our aim should be to become fully rounded and well-
informed citizens.

Of the two aspects of life discussed above, the more


important one is, in my opinion, that of current affairs.
Both aspects of life are undoubtedly important, but
ultimately social and political issues are likely to have a
more far-reaching impact on our lives than the arts, and
so it is vital that we keep up-to-date with the news.
Your class has listened to a radio discussion about the advantages of being self-employed rather than working for
someone else. You have made the notes below:

Advantages of being self-employed Some opinions expressed in the discussion:

· Time · You don’t have to work from nine to five every day

· Decision making · You’re in charge of the decisions that affect what you do

· Money · If you work hard, you make money for yourself, not someone else

MODEL ANSWER

It seems that increasing numbers of people are choosing these


days to leave their regular salaried job in order to become self-
employed. But why do people choose to do so? What are the
advantages of this way of life?

Firstly, perhaps the main attraction of being self-employed is


that it leaves you in control of your own schedule. If you prefer
to work late at night so that you can take the following day off
to go to a concert at your child's school, then you can do so.
You don't have to ask anyone's permission to leave the office
whenever you wish.

A second major advantage of working for yourself is that you


are in charge of all decisions connected with your business.
When you're employed by someone else, you have to do what
they wish, regardless of whether you feel it is the best course
of action or not. To be in control of how you work is something
that makes the self-employed lifestyle very attractive for many
people.

Of the two advantages of being self-employed discussed


above, the more significant one is the fact that you are in
charge of your own timetable. To be able to spend time with
friends and family when you wish to is worth sacrificing the
regular monthly pay cheque for. As long as you can earn
enough for your requirements, then you can enjoy the extra
flexibility that self-employment allows far more than you
would a bit of extra money in the bank.
Your class has watched a television debate about what should be done to ensure that natural resources, such as
water and oil, are not wasted. You have made the notes below:

Some opinions expressed in the discussion:


Ways to ensure natural resources are not wasted
· The best method would be to make wasting natural resources a criminal
· Laws offence”
· Media · Newspapers and TV can have a very powerful impact on people’s
behaviour
· Industry
· Companies should take the lead by avoiding unnecessary packaging

MODEL ANSWER

Natural resources are, on the whole, finite, and it is important to


make sure that we do not waste them. For the sake of future
generations, we must use them wisely. But how can we ensure that
we do this?

Unfortunately perhaps, the most successful method is undoubtedly


to make the wasteful use of resources a criminal offence. Some
countries already fine citizens who put recyclable waste into bins
intended for landfill sites, and such legislation should be used more
widely. Companies, in particular, should be prosecuted if they do
not have a responsible attitude towards scarce resources.

Secondly, the media should take a much more active role in


encouraging people to use resources well. Resources are often
wasted because the public do not appreciate how scarce they are or
how serious the implications of their overuse are for our
descendants. So there need to be regular stories in the papers or
documentaries on television presenting not only information about
how wastefulness is endangering the future but also examples of
good practice. In this way, people will be given the information that
they need in order to make a difference themselves.

Of the two ways of encouraging appropriate resource use discussed


above, the more effective is, in my opinion, the legislative approach.
Media campaigns have a very important role to play but, human
nature being what it is, making wasteful use of scarce resources
illegal is more likely to have an effect than simply educating the
public through the media.
Which charities should receive funding from the government? Some opinions expressed in the discussion:

· Sports & Recreation Charities · We should not spend money on sport but on health

· Health Charities · Cancer charities have helped lots of people and need our support

· Human Rights Charities · Human rights issues should be addressed

Everywhere we turn, nowadays we see charities beseeching the public for money. Whether in the many 'begging
letters' that pop unsolicited though our mailboxes daily, or in the televised appeals for charities, headed by celebrities
trying to tug at our heart-strings… but the question is, which charities deserve to be funded and which should be given
priority in government funding? Are sports and recreation charities more worthy a cause for example, than health
charities? This is a major dilemma that is by no means a clear-cut issue.

Let's take sports and recreation charities compared to health charities as a case in point. The former have a valid claim
to government funding. Sport and recreation help reduce stress, and keep people fit, positive and healthy. In addition,
sports and recreation centres also provide a community focal point, enriching the lives of many.

However, what good is recreation and sport if you are too unwell to participate? There is a much stronger argument,
that health is a far greater priority than sport and recreation.

Furthermore, an increasingly aged population is becoming a heavy burden on healthcare, necessitating greater funding
for charities as the prevalence of Alzheimer's and cancer increase proportionally with an ageing population. Many now
are reliant on support from health charities. We have an obligation to fund these charities, in return.

I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater priority. After all, what good are health and recreation
centres if we don’t have enough hospitals for people who are suffering? Without doubt, government funding must be
directed first and foremost to health charities.

Subscale Commentary
Content The essay clearly examines two of the points of debate, first setting out the general dilemma of government funding
5 with regard to charities in the introduction, before proceeding to debate the relative merits of two given charities
and the validity of their claim to government funding in the subsequent paragraphs.
The reader is left in no doubt as to the writer's belief, as to which charity is the more deserving of government funding,
due to the clear analysis of why health charities are the more deserving cause, in paragraphs 3 and 4, '.. what good
is recreation and sport if you are too unwell to participate?' - (para 3) 'An increasingly aged population is
becoming a heavy burden on healthcare,' (para 4), and the strong conclusion, voicing a personal opinion 'I believe
that the funding of health charities is the greater priority.'
Comm. Achiev Although personal opinions are voiced, the register is appropriately formal throughout and the arguments for specific
5 funding of certain charities are being presented in a neutral tone: e.g ‘This is a major dilemma that is by no means a
clear-cut issue (paragraph 1)...’ 'There is a much stronger argument,..’ (paragraph 3).
The use of rhetorical questions, also engages the reader, helping them follow the writer's line of argument: e.g '...
but the question is, which charities deserve to be funded and which should be given priority in government funding?
(paragraph 1).
The writer's belief in health charities being more worthy of government funding, compared to sport and recreation
charities, is clearly laid out in paragraph 3: '... what good is recreation and sport if you are too unwell to participate?'
and paragraph 4: ‘... an increasingly aged population is becoming a heavy burden on healthcare, necessitating greater
funding for charities,' and reinforced in the conclusion: 'I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater
priority.'
Organisation The essential dilemma of government funding of various charities is clearly stated in the introduction: '..the question
5 is, which charities deserve to be funded and which should be given priority in government funding?' before proceeding
to analyse the relative merits of two charities for government funding: 'Let's take sports and recreation charities
compared to health charities as a case in point.' The merits of funding sport and recreation charities are then analysed
in paragraph 2 before the writer launches into their opinion in the following paragraph as to why health charities are
more deserving of funding, developing the argument in the subsequent paragraph. Arguments are clearly marked
with signposts such as 'however.. furthermore..' guiding the reader through the writer's viewpoint. The conclusion
clearly states the writer's opinion, 'I believe that the funding of health charities is the greater priority,' and proposes
appropriate action,'. Without doubt, government funding must be directed first and foremost to health charities.
Language There is ample evidence throughout of a sophisticated level of vocabulary: e.g 'beseeching' and 'unsolicited' as well
4 as in phrases used, e.g 'tug at our heart-strings'. The use of rhetorical questions to engage the reader shows an
advanced command of language.
Overall, the language is formal and neutral in tone, but the writer also offers their personal opinion 'I believe that ..'
and uses informal devices, e. g. 'Let's take sports and recreation charities..', so the essay is lively and engaging.
Which charities should receive funding from the government? Some opinions expressed in the discussion:

· Sports & Recreation Charities · We should not spend money on sport but on health

· Health Charities · Cancer charities have helped lots of people and need our support

· Human Rights Charities · Human rights issues should be addressed

Sport and recreation charities and health charities are both too importance. So we have to be choosing one. The
government must to decide and the problem is which, then?

So let's think about sports and recreation charities first. Well I'm doing a lot of sport and recreation and I reckon it's a
good thing. But do you think the government should pay for these charities? OK, I'm doing a lot of sport but not
everyone is like me. There's loads of people who think therefore that the government shouldn't spend money on this
kind of charity.

Let's now look at health charities, then. I think that these should be given lots of more money than sport and recreation
charities. There are too many old folks today in the population so they are needing a lot of healthcare and so on. They
are depending on health charities. I reckon this is going to get worst as the population is getting older. And that's
another thing… with so many older folks around whose going to want sports facilities - so that's a waste also spending
money on sport and recreation charities.

Then there's the fact that everyone gets ill sometime-don't they? So people like you and me are going to be wanting
to use facilities funded by health charities. There are loads of illnesses being caused by ageing so when we too get old
we will need help.

In conclusion, I belief that money should be spent on health charities. Sports and recreation just are not so important
are they?

Subscale Commentary
Content The content is relevant to the task but the writer’s ideas are not expressed in an organised way.
3 The dilemma of government funding with regard to two of the given charities is addressed in the introduction,
although the overall dilemma of charity funding is not. The discussion is then developed in the following
paragraphs, referring first to sport and recreational charities in paragraph 2 and then developing an argument
favouring the funding of health charities in the following 2 paragraphs. However, the validity of funding sport and
recreation is only being briefly touched upon and then only with regard to sport and not recreation, in itself.
Paragraph 4 abruptly reintroduces another argument against sport and recreation funding, repeating some of the
ideas of the previous paragraph.
Comm. Achiev The register is far too informal, the reader being frequently addressed directly by the writer: 'So let's think about ...'
2 or 'do you think the government should ...'. There is also an overuse of informal phrases: 'O.K, ..not
everyone is like me ...'. Opposing viewpoints are too informally introduced: 'Let's now look at ...' 'Then there's
the fact that ...' rather than conventional devices such as: 'With regard to, ... moreover, furthermore..'.
The conventions of essay writing are not used well and the arguments used are limited. The writer of the
essay doesn’t manage to hold the target reader’s attention.
Organisation Despite the clear paragraphing, the essay is not well organised and coherent. The introduction clearly introduces
2 the types of organisation that are to be discussed, with reference to government funding, however arguments are
not clearly or logically developed, such as the writer's belief that sport and recreation charities are not as deserving
of government funding as are health charities. The writer gives a personal example to illustrate this belief without
clearly relating the issue to the general public: 'OK, I'm doing a lot of sport but not everyone is like me. There's loads
of people who think therefore that the government shouldn't spend money on this kind of charity.'
Language There is a frequent misuse of the present continuous tense throughout-the present continuous form being used in
1 place of the present simple: 'So, we have to be choosing one..' 'I'm doing a lot of sport..' Vocabulary is extremely
limited and simplistic; the writer referring to 'loads of people,' and 'old folks' instead of using more formal, advanced
vocabulary such as 'the vast majority' or 'older people' respectively. Vocabulary and phrases are also incorrectly used,
e.g 'lots of more money.' The major problem though, is the inappropriate use of an informal tone throughout, the
writer frequently addressing the reader: 'So let's think about ..., Now, let's look at ...' as well as too often use of
informal phrases: 'I reckon this...'.