Slow-mo Hero & Trust in the heart of the cards, or they will make your girlfreind hate you By Jacob

L. Hoefer

Lost Salamander Productions. LTD. (2009)

EXT. CITY STREET- DAY We find ourselves staring down the barrel of a mega phone. A loud voice describes the situation as we slowly pan back to reveal the police officer using the voice amplifier. LEAD COP (through the mega phone) "Before we can meet your demands we need your word that you will not harm the hostages!" INT. BANK? Inside the "bank" we see a man dressed in a black jacket and blue jeans, as well as the classic black ski mask. He is hiding behind a wall peaking out at what we assume to be the police. Crouching next to him with her hands over her head is a hostage. She is mid panic and whimpering softly. The villain shouts back threateningly. SKORPIO VON ZAROFF "You think I’m messing with you pigs!?! I see one cop, JUST ONE! And I’ll blow a hole through everyone here!" He makes a threatening motion toward the girl curled up next to him and she lets out a yelp. We head back outside to get the police reaction. EXT. CITY STREET- DAY The head cop has put down his mega phone. He looks very uneasy. His deputy comes to his aide. DEPUTY MAN "This isn’t good Charlie, he’s going to start shooting soon." LEAD COP "Don’t worry I just got of the phone with the FBI, they’re sending their top man." DEPUTY MAN "Well he’d better get here soon. This could get ugly fast."

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

LEAD COP "Calm down deputy..." The cop points off screen and smiles. LEAD COP "I think that’s him now." They both look over at something in the distance. Whatever they see it must be reassuring as they exchange looks that say "Oh yeah this guy must be good." We look over as well and see the most manly looking dude ever to wear a thin black tie. Sporting black aviators and a face that can open chastity belts with a wink and a smile. He is walking slow motion towards us. We love the sight, taking it in from every angle. Low, high, to the side, we can’t get enough of this very slow walking, but ever so handsome hunk of man meat. We begin to cut between shots of this magnificent man and the reactions of both the police and the villain. The police are kind of in this awe/confusion trance while the villain looks terrified and confused. Finally we cut to a wide shot that reveals that the slow walking man is just that, a slow walking dude and when he does reach the police they are speechless. He breaks character and addresses the situation in a commanding and calm voice. SLOW-MO HERO "Gentlemen what seem to be the problem?" LEAD COP (after a long pause and a glance at his deputy) "Ummm well the perps name is Skorpio von Zaroff, he’s a-" The same rock music that was playing before kicks in again, but this time at a much worse sound quality. The policemen look around for the source of the sound. Slow mo guy then displays the boom box he’s been holding and promptly presses the pause button. SLOW-MO HERO "Sorry, I heard the guys name I thought it could have used more bad ass." The cops stare at each other then back at "inspector gadget". LEAD COP "Riiigggghhhhttt...Anyway he’s taken at least one hostage, uh (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

LEAD COP (cont’d) female, named Sharron Wilks, we’ve set up a phone link with him but I have to say if we don’t calm him down now he could start shooting." SLOW-MO HERO "Right, good thing I’m the best. ow get me line into that building, I’m going to clean up your mess." INT. BANK? Inside the bank Skorpio is not happy. He jumps when he hears the phone ring. He looks at the tiny cell and then peaks outside. Reluctantly he opens it. SCORPIO VON ZAROFF (In a panicked tone) "Hello?" After he speaks the simple greeting a loud static filled blast of rock music pours through the phone. Skorpio almost drops the phone but decides to hold it inches form his ear. EXT. CITY STREET Slowly zoom out of the boom box which is cranked up and being held up to the phone. Super cop is holding both the phone and the boom box looking incredibly confident. The other two police officers are standing back looking really confused. Finally Slow mo guy shuts off the music and beings negotiating. SLOW-MO HERO "Alright listen here Skorpio, if that is your real name, I’m going to give you three seconds to come out there with the Sharron chick unharmed or I will come in there and get you myself!" INT. BANK? Skorpio looks at the phone in confusion then back outside. He shouts back into the phone. SCORPIO VON ZAROFF "WHAT!? Is this that dude that was walking slow motion just now?! (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF (cont’d) Cause you try any more of that shit and I will kill her! I mean it I-" He is interrupted by super cops response. Which we hear form over the phone. SLOW-MO HERO "One..." SCORPIO VON ZAROFF (peeking out the window) "There is no way you are a cop! I want to talk to the other guys!" EXT. CITY STREET Slow-mo is still determined to end this peacefully. SLOW-MO HERO "Two..." INT. BANK? Mr. Zaroff is in enraged confused state of mind. SCORPIO VON ZAROFF "Really?! I will kill her! I have a gun! You see the gun?!" Skorpio waves the gun out the window. Dirty Harry is not deterred. EXT. CITY STREET He’s getting louder and a little angrier. SLOW-MO HERO "Two and a half..." INT. BANK? Skorpio is now shoving the gun in the hostages face. SCORPIO VON ZAROFF "God dammit! One step forward and I waste this chick!"

5. EXT. CITY STREET The two cops are about to snatch the phone away form the "expert" when super cop shuts the phone and exclaims: SLOW-MO HERO "He’s not listing to reason. That’s it I’m going in." He promptly pulls out his gun, hits play, and strides out of frame. The deputy is holding his head in his hands while the man in charge folds his arms across his chest and just looks angry. We watch as he strides across the parking lot in slow motion of course. Skorpio meanwhile comes out of the building dragging his hostage behind him holding the gun to her head, and shouting: SCORPIO VON ZAROFF "Do you not see the gun I’m hold-" He stops when he sees that his advisory is walking slow motion toward him and also he appears to be armed with a boom box and a very tiny gun. We watch in anticipation as, in slow motion, starts to point his gun at Skorpio and looks so very determined to shot him. He strides slowly forward aiming still. Skorpio decides to not put up with this. SCORPIO VON ZAROFF "Screw this." BANG! Slow mo hero falls to the ground, not in slow motion. He then pushes Sharron away, and runs off. Thankfully no one was killed. Slow-mo is writhing on the ground grasping his shoulder. Sharron is in tears. The boom box has stopped as it hit the ground hard enough to break it. SLOW-MO HERO "Oh, oh god he got me! Quick I have a tape for this! it’s it’s just, gah! The other side. Just flip it over." CUT TO: BLACK. INT. GYPSY’S HOME We pan across a cluttered table draped in a gross purple cloth. On one side sits a girl looking kind of worried her boyfriend is standing behind her with his hand on her shoulder. Across form her sits and elderly woman looking like every gypsy from every horror flick all rolled in to one big smelly stereotype. there are a few tarot cards laid out on the table in a classic Celtic cross spread. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GYPSY WOMAN (laying "the tower" in the 6th position) "Oh my, de tower...Dis is not good..." DANNA "Wha-oh no, what does it mean?" GYPSY WOMAN (taking a moment to look at the boyfriend with a raised eyebrow) "Vell I have no good vay to tell you dis but..."

6.

She looks at the boyfriend again. He returns her creepy gaze with his own confused look. GYPSY WOMAN "I belive Derick here vill cheat on you." DERICK "Wait-what!?" The girl looks at Derick very enraged. DANNA "DERICK! How could you!" DERICK "Wha-no! No! This is ridiculous how-?" DANNA (standing up in frustration) "What’s her name Derick! Is she prettier then me?! Is that it!?" The gypsy woman calmly answers her. GYPSY WOMAN "Her name vill be Sharron...Yes Sharron Vilks...and ya she vill be much prettier dan you." DANNA "God I can not belive this! I trusted you!" Danna starts breaking down in tears. Derick tires to comfort her but deiced s to sit down at the table himself and demand that this lady fix this. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

DERICK (Whispering) "Look lady I did not pay you 50$ so you could screw up my happiness ow you fix this!" GYPSY WOMAN "Fine. You vant reading too? I give you reading tell you vat happens mit you und Sharron." DERICK "Yes, alright, perfect. Let your little card thingies tell my girlfriend how faithful I am." The gypsy picks up the cards and shuffles them back into the deck. She then begins to lay out a new cross. We observe the seven of cups first to be laid down. GYPSY WOMAN "Ah yes, here ve go. So in two months from now you meet Sharron, she is hot, you had fight mit Danna. That night you make sex vith her." DANNA "I hate you Derick!" DERICK "Calm down sweetie, and remember NONE of this has happened yet." GYPSY WOMAN "Vait der is more, yes de tells me next morning you making vas a mistake. You break it off, but Sharron she does not like it, she your credit card, gets information-" card admit sex try and ohh my steals

DERICK "Wait, you got all that from one card?" GYPSY WOMAN "Is very good card, tells me much, now ven Sharron goes to bank to steal money from accounts something very interesting happens-"

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

DERICK "Alright you can stop now. See baby I’ll all be okay this lady isn’t really some kind of psychic, shes just some big fraud." Danna begins to calm down and warm up to Derick but the gypsy woman is not amused. GYPSY WOMAN "VAT!? Ein fraud?! Vell mister I vill prove it to you! You no vant to read future I vill read your past, sound fair?" DERICK "Alright you old hack bring it. Tell me about my horrible childhood." Derick defiantly centers himself in the chair, a giant smirk across his face. The gypsy woman causally pulls a chest out form under the table and unwraps another deck. GYPSY WOMAN "I tink I have the right deck for you" Derick smirks. DERICK "Alright you dumb fancy cards bring it." The gypsy begins to lay out the cards. First is The King of swords, then the four of coins, and then in the third space on the cross we see her lay down a yellow reverse. DERICK "Wait what is that? Is that an uno card?!" GYPSY WOMAN "Is what the deck dealt. Now let me see what dis has to say about your past." A long silence sets over the room. Derick is leaning back in the chair laughing. The gypsy woman studies the cards for a while. After deciphering the spirits message she reveals some shocking information.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

GYPSY WOMAN "Okay I tink I have it." Derick leans forward and does the "bring it" hand gesture, because that guy loves the phrase "bring it" to much. GYPSY WOMAN "You ver born October ninth 1988 to a single mother...Eight pounds tree ounces...You ver eminently put up for adoption-" DERICK "Ha! I knew you were a hack! Cause I’m not adopted!" GYPSY WOMAN "Really? How sure of dat are you? Vhy don’t you ask your "mother" Mary Sliwinsky and your "father" Denise?" DERICK "All you’ve proven is that you know my parents names that’s all!" GYPSY WOMAN "Yeah dat is what cards tell me, de also tell me you ver adopted...Now lets see vat de next one says..." She flips up the next card putting in the number four spot, it’s a second edition bulbasaur. DERICK "Okay NOW you’re messin with me!" He stands up and is about to leave when the gypsy stops him in his tracks by reminding him of some very disturbing memories. GYPSY WOMAN "Leaving so soon? Vat vould your "uncle" Chester say? Derick freezes at the sound of the name. He slowly turns around and sits back down. DERICK (in a scared whisper) "How-how did you know? Did bulbasaur tell you?"

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

GYPSY WOMAN "Bulbasaur tells me many tings, he also says that uncle Chester made you dress up in little girl clothes and then take them off again, very slowly until your "mom" caught you at your cousins graduation party...You never saw him again..." DERICK "...what...what else does bulbasaur tell you?" GYPSY WOMAN "Noting much else, except vait...vat? Oh really? Tank you bulbasaur, I see you still hang on to that dress." Danna who has been standing behind him looking scared this whole time decides to chime in. DANNA "WHAT!? Derick is she going to say that that dress is the SAME dress you wanted me to squeeze into last night!?" DERICK "Wha-no I mean...I-" GYPSY WOMAN "Ya dis boy is no good for you. He has many fetishes you you have none." DERICK "Hey whoa its not like that I mean yeah my uncle Chester used to dress me up like a girl but-" DANNA "Derick not only did you cheat on me but you also tried to make me dress up in little girl clothes that yo also wore to do strip tease for your 65 year old uncle!?" DERICK "NO! Remember that actually hasn’t happened yet...Although I might as well seeing as how..."

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

He begins to trail off. Danna storms out. The gypsy woman leans back in her chair and begins to light a cigarette. Derick is starting to freak out and has just kinda started shaking in the chair. The gypsy mumbles a confession. GYPSY WOMAN (dropping the accent) "Holy shit I can’t belive I bullshited that entire thing." CUT TO: BLACK.

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