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3/10/2018

INTRODUCTION
The CodependenCy Cure ™ • Human Magnet Syndrome answers “why’s” & “how come’s”
RECOVERING FROM SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™ • Needed to come first
• Can’t solve a problem if you don’t know what it is
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT
Self-Love Recovery Institute  If you don’t see it in yourself
Clinical Care Consultants
Arlington Heights, Illinois, USA  If what you know is wrong (and you don’t know it)
Rossr61@Comcast.net
847-749-0514 “If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as aA.nail”
Maslow
www.ClinicalCareConsultants.com
www.AdvancedClinicalTrainers.com • Myth of Columbus’s arriving in “the new world”
www.HumanMagnetSyndrome.com
• To understand the “Cure” we have to do more digging into CoD
(c) Ross Rosenberg

CODEPENDENCY REDEFINED À LA HMS REDEFINING “CODEPENDENCY”


• A condition of self-volition • Psychological condition manifested in relationships
• The CoD is a participant to the problem
• CoD’s give most of the love, respect & caring (LRC) in relationships
 And a victim
• CoD’s & Pnarc’s are attracted & attractive to each other • CoD’s try to correct the lack of LRC reciprocity
• Once in a relationship they are bonded because of • CoD’s cannot make the Pnarc reciprocate
• Attachment trauma • Despite anger/resentment, CoD’s tolerate the lack of LRC reciprocity
• Core shame
• Despite the above, CoD’s do not terminate the relationship
• Pathological Loneliness
• CoD Addiction • If terminating or terminated, CoD’s repeat the pattern
(c) Rosenberg, 2016 (c) Ross Rosenberg

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THE CODEPENDENCY CURE IS HMS’ NEXT STEP WHY “THE CURE?”


• We’ve been treating symptoms all along
• Answers the “what to do” question
 High rate of treatment failure & relapses
• Theories, concepts, definitions, explanations, & techniques
• We cant solve (treat) a problem if we don’t know what it is
• Based an a wide-array of existing theory and practice
• Treatment needs to align with the problem
• An amalgamations (merging) of theories & techniques  Bloodletting & lobotomies
 Nothing new • Not like alcoholism / Not a life-long problem
 Completely new • The problem with 12-Step, addiction & disease model
• Derived from personal & professional experience • CoD Cure renames, re-defines, re-explains the problem(s)
• Proven effective (c) Ross Rosenberg
 Re-conceptualizes treatment
(c) Ross Rosenberg

“CODEPENDENCY” NO MORE
“CODEPENDENCY” NO MORE • Introducing SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™ (SLDD)
• Overused, misused & misunderstood  The problem is SLDD
• Over generalized  The person is SELF LOVE DEFICIENT (SLD)
• Originally: partner of an addict  The solution or “cure” is “SELF-LOVE ABUNDANT (SLA)
• Implies weakness, neediness, clinginess • Neither stigmatizing nor shaming
• Shaming & pejorative • Most SLD’s prefer the name. Most are relieved by it
• The name points to the problem & the solution
• Our clients do not like it
• Codependency symptoms of deeper problems
• Not respected in clinical circles
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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CONDEPENDENCY WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM


• SLDD is 4th level symptom of trauma
• SLD’s are born to a pathologically narcissistic parent
 Suffered attachment trauma
 Developed core shame
 Resulting pathological loneliness
 SLDD Addiction develops
• Compulsive attemps to“medicate” the pain
Attachment Trauma Core Shame Pathological
Loneliness SLDD Addiction SLDD
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

IF A “CURE,” SHOULDN’T THE NAME CHANGE? PYRAMID LEVEL ONE: ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
• If you have Major Depression or ADHD and stop taking meds,  Is the foundation Self-Love
you still have the Disorder Deficit Disorder
 No cure  PTSDesque
 If you have SLDD and solve each of the underlying primarly  Similar diagnostic profile
problems, then the disorder is permanently resolved
 So chronic, assumed to be
 Another name for The CoD Cure is “Self-Love Recovery™” the “personality”
 The goal of Self-Love Recovery, or the “Cure”
 Not always remembered
 Self-Love Abundance (c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg  May be preverbal

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ATTACHMENT TRAUMA THE SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF TRAUMA


• Similar to PTSD • It is not what happened but the experience of it
• Developmental trauma is amorphous • Two people, experiencing the same trauma…
• Manifests unconsciously / invisible  Why does one have it
• Produces SLDD’s core shame, which produces pathological and not the other?
loneliness, which produces SLDD Addiction and then SLDD itself • Mitigating factors
• Managed by psychological & neurobiological & defense mechs. • Buffering factors
• Replicated in adult relationships • Psychological resilience
• SLDD is the “walking” attachment trauma
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• Personality type (c) Ross Rosenberg

DETERMINING TRAUMA SEVERITY THE CONTINUUM OF TRAUMA


• Previous trauma history (PTSD) • Preceding psychological stressors • Organized according to 5 levels of severity
• The event itself • Physical or medical vulnerabililty
• Linearly organized by
• Frequency • Personality type
 Predisposing factors
• Severity • Resilience levels
 Mitigating factors
• Any preparation • Baseline self-esteem level
 Buffering factors
• Feeling powerless • Absence of support systems
 Resiliency factors
• Element of surprised/shock • Feelings of responsibility
• Element of terror  The brain’s ability to process it
• Guilt/shame over pleasure
• Preceding environmental stressors•  The brains ability to integrate it
Gaslighting (c) Ross Rosenberg

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TRAUMA CATEGORIES THE TRAUMA CONTINUUM


Mild Trauma
• Internal resources are sufficient
Moderate Trauma
• Requires/responds to support
Harmful Trauma
• Requires/responds to crisis intervention
Severe Trauma/PTSD
• Trips the “circuit breaker”
• Triggers dissociation / repression
• Activates limbic system vault
Catastrophic/Chronic Trauma/ Complex PTSD 1 2 3 4 5
(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

ATTACHMENT TRAUMA IN THE BRAIN


TRAUMA IS STORED IN THE AMYGDALA
• When the prefrontal cortex’s conscious resources are insufficient • Amygdala receives input from the sensory systems

• Evolutionary survival mechanism  Attaches emotional meaning


• Safely removes self-destructive trauma from consciouosness  Signals parts of the brain when there is danger
• Processed and encapsulated in the limbic system  Alerts the body to defend itself (actions or inactions)
• Mechanisms prevent memories to be encoded to pref. cortex • Trauma is encoded “ultra HD video files” in Amygdala
• Trauma memory(ies) encoded in the amygdala • Evolution made them
 “Cryogenically unavailable to Pref. Cortex (reg. memory)
frozen”
 Sensations/body feelings/autonomic responses • Triggered/activated
 Original emotionswhen
are same/similar dangermemories
attached to sensory is present
 Visual and verbal memory diffuse • No
(c) Ross Rosenberg • memory,
Exquisitebut autonomic
details reactions/body sensations
“remembered”
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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TRAUMA “CIRCUIT BREAKER” ATTACHMENT THEORY (John Bowlby)


• Disordered trauma is that which the brain cannot manage • A deep & enduring emotional bond that connects one person to
another across time & space (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969)
• Severe trauma trips the brains “circuit breaker”
• Attachment creates a mental representation of the caregiver that is
• Will potentially “overload” the “system” portable & can sooth a person in difficult moments
• Taken “off line” (consciousness) & relegated to limbic system • Positive attachment allows infant’s genetically programmed social,
emotional, cognitive skills to develop.
• Repression / Dissociation • The quality of an infant’s attachment is correlated with, if not
• The more profound the trauma, predictive of, adult relationship attachments
the deeper it is buried • A positive attachment lays the foundation for stable/satisfying future
relationships.
• The more difficult to access
(c) Ross Rosenberg • Insufficient, absent, abusive attachment causes attachment trauma
(c) Ross Rosenberg

ATTACHMENT TRAUMA IS “VITAMIN DEFICIENCY DISORDER”


• Unconditional love, respect & caring = Vitamin L(ove)
• Vitamin L promotes genetically programmed
social, emotional, and cognitive skills to develop.
• As children need real vitamins they need “attachment vitamins” too
• Chronic childhood neglect, deprivation, abuse = V.D.D.
• Narcissistic (& CoD) parents deprive Vit. L
• The absence of Vitamin L = attachment trauma
• Resulting in either adult SLDD or Pnarc
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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SLDD PYRAMID
LEVEL 2:
CORE SHAME

(c) Ross Rosenberg

SLDD & CORE SHAME


• The antithesis of self-love
• Shame is the outer skin of attachment trauma
• It’s the identification of the attachment trauma
• Feeling fundamentally defective/damaged
• The “human doing” who never could be a “human being”
• We must resolve it for long-term SLDD recovery
• Shame feeds on itself
 A perpetual double bind
 A self-fulfilling prophecy
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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GOD PROJECTION and CORE SHAME THE SHAME ICEBERG


• Two levels of core shame Conscious Allowable
• SL’s get lost in the “original sin” concept Conscious: allowable shame Shame
Repressed: dirty shame

SDD RESOLUTION / SELF-LOVE RECOVERY


• SLD’s project core shame onto God
• Separated by disossciation
• “Since God is all knowing & seeing, he sees how “bad” I am”
• Unconscious shame is the
• Shame is reinforced with “unanswered prayers” doorway into attachment trauma
• SLA project core self-love onto God • Integration of shame is difficult
Attachment
• Unconditional love and forgiveness takes on a new shape • Self-Love Recovery brings shame Trauma
to the surface Unconscious

SLDD PYRAMID LEVEL THREE: PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS


• The emotional background of the attachment trauma experience
• Painful yearning to be loved
• An existential disease
• Do not feel whole
• Do not fit in one’s own skin
• Painful realization that it can’t happen

(c) Ross Rosenberg


• Floating in the world, in need of an anchor

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PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS
SLDD PYRAMID LEVEL 4:
• Loneliness on crack!
• EXTREMELY PAINFUL
SLDD ADDICTION
• Acute suffering
• Body & emotional feeling
• A feeling of invisibility
• Acute feelings of:
 Worthlessness
 Unlovability
 Existential void (c) Ross Rosenberg

SLDD PYRAMID LEVEL 5:


SLDD ADDICTION SOLVES PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS
SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™
• The need to self-medicate
• Seeking to numb pain
• Seeking to distract
• Seeking fantasy that cannot never happen
• The pursuit of a relationship drives SLDD addiction
• The only natural person is a Pnarc

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IT TOOK A WHILE TO DEVELOP

THE 10 STAGE
SELF-LOVE
DEFICIT
DISORDER
TREATMENT
MODEL

(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

SLDD OR “SELF-LOVE RECOVERY ISN’T BAND-AID THERAPY THE 10 STAGE SLDD TREATMENT MODEL
• Codependency treatment hasn’t been addressing root problems • The scaffolding of the CoD Cure
• “Band-aid therapy” addresses symptoms while believing otherwise
 From attachment trauma to self-love
 Mistakes symptoms for problems
• Begins as SLDD / Ends as SLA -
 At best, offers only symptom relief
• Multi-theoretical
 Covers wounds with hopes of healing
• Linear model
 “Band-aid always “fall off”
Relapse
• Progressive - Erikson-like rules
SLD blames themselves • Stages represents a specific phase of recovery
Core shame spiral • Within each stage multiple treatment techniques are used
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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THE STAGES THE 11 PROMISES—WHAT YOU WILL ACHIEVE


• Resolves Self-Love Deficit Disorder 1. Identifies explains root causes of SLDD
• Facilitates Self-Love Abundance 2. Resolves attachment trauma
• Permanently changes relationship template 3. Neutralizes core shame.
• Changes HMS “magnet properties” 4. Eradicates pathological loneliness
 The “dance doesn’t work anymore 5. Ends need to self-medicate
• After stage 6, self-perpetuating 6. Ends SLDD addiction
 Feels too good to go back 7. HMS attraction patterns re-calibrate
 SLA’s protect newfound emotional freedom & self-love 8. The emergence of existential peace
(c) Ross Rosenberg 9. “The Cure” - Permanent SLA
(c) Ross Rosenberg

STAGE 1: HITTING BOTTOM


Begins With The Unstopable Avalance

BUT YOU SURVIVE

(c) Ross Rosenberg


(c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 1: HITTING BOTTOM – Introducing Hope


• Life is totally out of control
• Consequences and losses build
• Unbearable pain
• Feeling defeated
• Worn out
• Breaking point
• When giving up feels like an option
• The avalanche of the accumulation of losses
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

STAGE 1: HITTING BOTTOM – Introducing Hope


STAGE 1 REFRAMES SELF-LOVE RECOVERY
• Breaking the silence/telling the secret
• Deciding to end narcissistic abuse
• Desperation and fear transitions to hope
• Courage is mustered
• A glimmer of hope presents itself
• Ready to reach out for help
• Attend support groups THESE ARE DANGEROUS TIMES
• Seek mental health services
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 1 IS SELLING HOPE WHEN WE HAVE TO SELL COURAGE & VULNERABILITY


Introducing Hope

(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

A RADICAL PERSPECTIVE SHIFT TIPPING THE SCALE TOWARD SELF-LOVE RECOVERY


• From self-love deficient The Cost Benefit Excercize
• To the possibility of
self-love abundant • Create “costs” of SLDD recovery list
• From broken to becoming  Differential between real and imagined (gaslit)
• The “journey”
• Challenge conclusions
GREYHOUND BY HARRY CHAPIN
Stepping off this dirty bus first time I understood • Challenge logic
It's got to be the going not the getting there that's good
• Compare lists & draw conclusions
That's a thought for keeping if I could
It's got to be the going not the getting there that's good • Revisit it & compare versions
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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SLDD BEGINS AS COMPLETELY DEPENDENT UNCOVERING MIND CONTROL/BRAINWASHING


• Emotionally dependent on Pnarc The Stockholm Syndrome
 Counter-intuitive • Capture bonding
• Methodically stripped of • Projective identification
 Confidence / Self-esteem • Empathizing & sympathizing with captor
 Mental and/or physical health • Defending/protecting captor
 Employment • Mistaking decrease or cessation of abuse as
 Feelings of self-efficacy act of kindness
 Psychological / emotional resources • Loyalty to the captor
 External: job, money, home, car • Complete sacrifice to the captor
(c) Ross Rosenberg

UNCOVERING GASLIGHTING/BREAKING THE “SPELL” GASLIGHTING


• Systematically feeding untrue info to create doubt about one’s
• Gaslighters GL’s = Pnarc’s memory, perception and sanity
• Gaslit Victims GLV = SLD’s • Convincing victim they have problems that previously did not exist
• Introduce idea that their thoughts might not be their own • Manipulating environment to demonstrate the implanted problems
• Purposefully decreasing one’s self-esteem & confidence to render
• Be ready to prove them insecure and, therefore, dependent
• Be sensitive of loyalty response • Turning victim against their own judgment, trust & intuition
• Explain Gaslighting & GL Narratives • Victim eventually identifies & adopts the implanted problem
 Self vs. Gaslit Self Narratives • Proving the PNarc is right
 Relational vs. Gaslit Relational Narratives • Losing hope and giving up control
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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THE “PERFECT STORM” FOR GASLIGHTING INDENTIFYING PNARC’S MANIPULATION OF THE ENVIRONMENT
1. Self-Love Deficit Disorder, SLDD™ • The therapist/therapy/treatment
2. Attachment trauma • Family & friends (social)
3. Core shame • Occupational & financial
4. Pathological loneliness • Emotional/psychological - makes life more challenging
5. Addicted to a Pnarc (can’t leave)
• Physical – Living environment
6. Codependency/SLDD
• Medication & drugs
7. Isolation
• Creates new obstacles
8. Dependency
9. Co-occurring mental health problems/disorders • Blocking, obstructing, and sabotaging – making it easy to give up

STAGE 2: HMS /CODEPENDENCY CURE EDUCATION INTRODUCING THE CONCEPT OF SLDD RESPONSIBLITY
• “Codependency”
• “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” (SLDD)
• It is not about blaming
• The “Dance” & other Human Magnet Syndrome concepts • But accepting
• Chemistry, limerence & the SLD Delusion responsibility
• The SLDD Pyramid • “Owning” one’s SLDD
• How SLDD developed • Seeking help for it
• Not “owning” or denying
• Reframing being a “victim” to “survivor”
one’s responsiblities, keeps
• Pnarc’s power and control strategies the “dance” going
• The passing of the SLD baton
(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 3: ABOUT SLDD ADDICTION FRAMING SLDD AS AN ADDICTION


• Deconstructing pathological loneliness • “Powerlessness”
• illustrating its ubiquity while giving it shape • “Unmanageability”
• Signs & symptoms • The “monster within,” not the person
 Withdrawal symptoms
• Paradoxical benefits (shame analgesic)
 “Detoxing” from acute loneliness
• Connect addiction to HMS concepts (Stage 2)
• Introduce sexual/relational abstinence reqirement
• Prepares for the “impossible seeming withdrawals
• Promotie 12-Step Programs for ancillary help
• Begin addiction based counseling • My “Surgeon General’s” warning
• Psychoeducation & empathy – lots of it! • Many cannot get past it – relapse early on
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

CODEPENDENCY ANONYMOUS/12 STEP GROUPS


• Not therapy, but a crucial element to recovery
• Accountability
• Relapse prevention
THE PROHIBITION
• Socialization – counters loneliness
OF DATING
• Mentorship
AND SEX
• Working the steps
• People become mirrors for each other
 Seeing in others what they can’t see in themselves
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 4: PREPARING FOR THE NARCISSISTIC STORM SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING = SLDD RECOVERY WARNING
• Why this stage was added • An ethical mandate
• The planning & more learning stage • Proposes realistic expectations
• Keeping safe from retaliation • Creates a very informed decision
• Addresses imminent risk, i.e., domestic violence • Facilitates a cost / benefit discussion
 Triangulation • Instills hope while preparing for the worst
 Parental alienation syndrome • Realistically prepares for withdrawals and difficulties
 Sabotage • Prepares them for PNARC backlash
 Public and personal shaming • Decreases probability for SLDD relapse
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

• May require drastic changes/moves

PREDICTIVE AWARENESS PREDICTIVE AWARENESS


• You cannot protect yourself from what you don’t see • It’s the indepth study of the Pnarc
• Neutralizes Pnarc abuse through knowledge acquisition • Learning/mastering how and why PNarc’s manipulate
• Teach/facilitate understanding:  Their arsenal of tactics
 How the Pnarc manipulates  What they do to the person
 Why the Pnarc manipulates  How they turn a person against themselves
• Teach/facilitate understanding:  Their domination & control strategies (wrestling moves)
 SLD Pnarc vulnerabilities • Becoming aware of one’s own emotional vulnerabilities
 Why their lifetime of “wrestling defeats” • Prerequisite for ODA (cannot skip!)

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THE PREDICTIVE AWARENESS MASTERING NARCISSIST ABUSE “CHESS”


• Like playing chess, knowing your opponent’s game style while
being able to predict their moves will foster “wins”
• Cognizant of and ready for the narcissist’s engagement strategies
• Neutralizes their stealthy forms of manipulations
• Emboldens the defender to use ODA.
• Knowing what, how, & why of PNarc manipulation sets a
foundation for a calm and effective defense
• Breaking down or violating a boundary is neutralized
(c) Ross Rosenberg

MAGICAL THINKING
• Similar to the codependency delusion

• Attributes causal relationships between actions and events


that cannot be justified by reason and observation.

• The surge for excitement for the ride places you in the long line • Hamster wheel-like thought process
• Forgetting about the fear of the last ride
• During & after the ride, promise self to never to it again • Working, working, working to get
• Later, like an addiction, the memory of the fun returns somewhere, but never actually moving
• Compulsion to get back “on the roller coaster” forward
• While dismissing or forgetting consequences

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THE CODEPENDENCY/SLDD DELUSION BOUNDARIES ON PNARC’S DON’T WORK!


• A belief system that is not supported by reality. • SLDD’s struggle
IT’S TIME in setting
TO USE boundaries
ANOTHER DEFENSIVE STRATEGY
• It is “delusional” to believe a person can control a PNarc • SLDD’s have a life time of failing
ONE THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE FIGHTING
• Believe they can change/cure a Personality Disorder PNarc’s
• FOURare oblivious
REASONS TOtoSTOP
them
• Believe they can win the “matches” • Pnarc’s disregard boundaries/limit setting of PNarc’s
• Despite losing record, keep expecting a win
“Insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again,
but expecting different results.”
— 1981 NA Pamphlet

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STOP WRESTLING WITH PIGS!

Because they mostly


lose in the “physical and
emotional wrestling rings”

PNARC WINS BECAUSE THEY HAVE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE THE INDUCED CONVERSATION
• “Pnarc pig wrestlers” know every square inch of their “ring” • The deadliest of the Pnarc “wrestling moves”
• Always win in their ring • Calculated attempts to engage a person in a conversation for
the sole purpose of manipulation, control, and domination
• Won’t fight in other’s • Exploiting SLD’s reflex to defend themselves
• Winning = getting them in it  And their propensity to “make-up and be nice”
• Coercing & manipulating • Recurs because of Roller coaster Amnesia & Magical Thinking
SLD into entering their “ring”
• The content of such conversations is irrelevant
• Opponents lack experience and skills • Being manipulated in one or both wrestling rings
in “mud & slop”
• One of many “hoovering” techniques

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FALSE POWER SYNDROME (FPS) PNARC’s PURPOSELY ACTIVATE FPS


• Anger that makes us:
• Pnarcs need a fight to maintain power & control
 Feel stronger, smarter & more cunning
• “Champion wrestlers” don’t fight in a swimming pool
 Believe we can prevail against the odds
 Provoke a fight, when we normally wouldn’t • Winning rests on getting SLD into the “ring”
 Believe we can win when we have never • Pnarc’s antagonize/instigate until FPS is activated
• Rooted in our evolution • SLD’s run into the ring with high hopes
• Not effective against Pnarc’s • But always get a “smack down”
• When FPS subsides, we are stuck in the middle of the ring
• Despite humiliation and degradation
 With a major “WTF “ realization
• Despite the “ass whipping,” FPS puts us back in the “ring” • They will get back into the “ring”

PHYSICAL WRESTLING RING THE EMOTIONAL WRESTLING RING


• The Pnarc win’s most of these matches
• Where the actual fight takes place
• Observable reactions: behavior, body, voice, breathing, email, • The fight that occurs in the SLD’s head
phone • The Pnarc’s voice becomes yours
• Home field advantage for PNarc  And you don’t know it!
• Chosen & hosted by PNarc (manipulatively) • Fears, insecurities, pessimism,
self-loathing, paranoia…
• PNarc is familiar with every square inch!
• Beats down the SLD before, during, and after the fight
• Where they honed his “skills”
• Most SLD’s “fights” fights are lost here

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OBSERVE DON’T ABSORB’S EIGHT TENETS THE OBSERVE DON’T ABSORB (ODA) TECHNIQUE©
1. SLDD recovery requires a potent passive defense strategy • PNarcs thrive on power & control dynamics
2. Emotional & physical reaction to the Pnarc, weakens SLD  Overt and covert manipulation
3. Your behavioral & emotional reactions are not yours  Draws the victim into emotional conflict/drama
4. False Power Syndrome is your enemy & Pnarc’s friend  Their wrestling ring is home-field advantage
5. Emotionally disconnection = purposeful/healthy disossociation • PNARC's are impossible adversaries for CoD’s

6. ODA disassociation = no physical reaction • It takes two people to wrestle (and dance)
• A fight cannot be won if there is no opponent
7. ODA dissociation = emotional equanimity
• If there is no opponent, there is no fight
8. Emotional equanimity = power, control, and self-determination (c) Ross Rosenberg

OBSERVING
“OBSERVING” IS HEALTHY DISSOCIATION
• Deciding not to react to provocation
• Observing without activation (absorbing) requires practice • Responding carefully to provocations without being activated
• Sharp focus and hypervigilance in the face of dangerous • Rational and logical reaction to PNARC’s manipulation
• Being Spock!
• Relies on the calculated and purposeful healthy dissociation
• Watching with emotional detachment as a scheming Pnarc
tries to draw you into his wrestling ring
• Reigning in compulsion to engage or fight back
• Self-defence by observing, not reacting
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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OBSERVING DON’T ABSORB!


• Putting Predictive Awareness to use • Power/Control requires an emotional reaction
• Disconnecting emotional self • Absorbing = Activation
• Connecting to observational self • Activation = Pnarc’s “poison” inside you
• Self-induced affective dissociation • Which create powerlessness
• Rationally controlled observation • Absorbing = getting sick
• Not feeling, but watching  Loss of capacity to protect self from PNARC
• Watching the PNARC trying to • Not absorbing = free from harm
elicit a response  Diminishes PNARC’s malignant capabilities
• Hyper-vigilant attention  Neutralizes Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
• Being the camera
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

ABSORBING ODA FANTASY DEFENSE TECHNIQUES


• Stuck by the “poisonous syringe” • Purposeful and conscious “games” to keep you tied to ODA
• Letting the PNARC’s toxic world inside
• Compelled to fight back • Helps redirect focus in order to keep observing and not absorbing
• FPS activated • Maintains “home field advantage”
• Rational mind is commandeered
 Intellectual & emotional
 Rational choices replaced by irrational ones
• Attachment trauma and/or PTSD activated
• Limbic system placed on line
 Fight or flight
 Unconscious trauma reactions
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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BE MR. SPOCK ODA IN THE HEAD: DISIDENTIFYING WITH THE VOICES


Watch unemotionally • Applying ODA internally
for the Pnarc’s method
• “Stinking thinking”
You might finding it • Self-defeating emotions & thoughts
interesting too! • Although the “voices” were not orginally the SLD’s
• They identify as their own
• SLD needs to identify the original “speaker”
• Identify when they became their voices
• Apply ODA on the voices

STAGE 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT STAGE 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT
Proactively Create A Safety Net • Need to be in therapy
• PTSD-like reactions (from attachment trauma) • Most difficult & challenging stage

• Prepare for the onslaught of narcissistic injuries & reactions • Removing filters for pure unadulterated perception
• The Continuum of Self & Family Systems Theories prediction
• Prepare for overt or covert reactions
• Change is perceived as a threat
• Be vigilant for attacks
• Forces are consequently mobilized to neutralize change
 Passive, aggressive or covert • If change proceeds, then equilibrium is lost
• Be ready to use ODA • Without equilibrium, this is when “the shit hits the fan”
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT


Retaliation and/or Retribution
• Metaphorically peeling the Pnarc’s fingers away from their
throat • Need for physical safety
• Address imminent risk, i.e., domestic violence
• With the intention of stopping the Pnarc’s chokehold of them.
• Change of residence
• One boundary at a time, • Triangulation
• SLD begins to insulate and protect themselves from the Pnarc  Children, friends, family
• Parental alienation syndrome
• Sabotage
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• Public and personal shaming(c) Ross Rosenberg

SETTING BOUNDARIES WITHOUT EXPLANATIONS


• Remember induced conversation
• No explanations!
• Just logical and causal statements or boundaries
• Simple, concise, factual
• Giving positive consequences for following the rule
• Giving negative consequences for violating a rule
• Set boundaries logically, predictably and consistently
(c) Ross Rosenberg, 2015 • Deliver the consequence, not the argument!

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3 STRIKE YOU’RE OUT, RULE Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES
• Focused ODA
• Boundary repition with 2 variations
• Paraphrased twice
• Physically disconnect after #3
• Be prepared to back out/walk away
• If unsafe, set hard protective boundary
• Remember the neutralzing power of induced converstation
(c) Ross Rosenberg, 2015
(c) Ross Rosenberg

Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES
• Most pathological narcissists will be gone • Learn differences between healthy & narcissistic relationships

• Many NARC’s end the relationship


• Neutralize double bind: “selfish when self-loving”
• Staying strong/resolute despite ongoing NARC injuries
• SLD will terminate relationship(s) that are toxic – if possible
• Focus on SLDD Addiction
• Stage in which the “wheat is separated from the chafe”
• Introduce relapse prevention strategies
• Intensive focus on ODA
• Accountability partners
• Exercising the “no muscle”
• 12-Step groups
• Learning about emotional and physical boundaries • Offset loneliness and isolation
(c) Ross Rosenberg, 2015
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES


The Prohibition of Romantic Relationships/Sex
• Premature confidence is a problem
STRICT • Despite the resolution of path. loneliness, relapse is possible
PROHIBITION • Recovering alcoholics in early recovery don’t hang out in bars
OF DATING
• Trauma work triggers need to act out
AND SEX
• SLD’s learn to fight back by solving problems
 Not escaping from them
• IMPOSSIBLE to resolve self-love deficiency when “high” on
limerence (c) Ross Rosenberg

Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES


• Learn differences between healthy & narcissistic relationships
• Neutralize double bind: “selfish when self-loving”
• Staying strong/resolute despite ongoing NARC injuries
• Focus on SLDD Addiction
• Introduce relapse prevention strategies
• Accountability partners
• 12-Step groups
• Offset loneliness and isolation
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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FIREMAN PRACTICE Trauma Resolution


• SLA is not about perfection, it is Requires Vulnerability & Courage
about resiliency
• Mistakes happen… relapses happen
• Practice, practice practice…
 Putting fires out
• While not getting “burned” or “engulfed”
 ”Acclimate to losses of friends & family
 Practice the “bounce back
 Practice trusting others to be there for you (c) Ross Rosenberg

UNCOVERING THE REPRESSED ATTACHMENT TRAUMA STAGE 7: RESOLVING & INTERGRATING ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
• SLDD is not the problem but a symptom • Stages 8 – 10 not possible without it
• Pretending to be the problem itself
• Requires licensed, trained & experienced trauma specialist
• Manifesting as an addiction
• Kept around by pathological loneliness • EMDR is not enough!
• But originating from attachment trauma • This stage directly taps into the frozen “trauma child”
• But it is often repressed
• Treatment is required to address the problem • Disossociated / repressed trauma
 But what is it exactly? • PTSDesque work
 Where do you find it?
 And how do you find it?
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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PALEOPSYCHOTHERAPY: The Trauma Treatment Metaphor TRAUMA FOSSILS


Trauma Excavation
Trauma Fossils • The more layers, the more remote the trauma memory
• “Digging” for trauma fragments
• Long forgotten/buried core trauma • Eventually the accumulated sediment hides the location
• Sifting through memories
memories • And all traces of an explanation
• Re-constructing lost memories
• Physical representation of repression • Over time, gravity compresses the
• Carefully piecing them together
• Remnants of defense mechanisms sediment deposits
• To reconstruct the past
• The forgotten / unknown story
• Compaction hardens the layers
• Tells the story of the events that led to
death (core trauma)
• The lack of exposure changes
its composition
• Illustrates evolution & devolution
• Changing it into a trauma fossil
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

PALEOTHERAPY TRAUMA FOSSILS


 Drilling down takes great skill • Fossil memories are rarely found whole
 Sensitivity for the fragility of the fossil • One fragment leads to another
 Patience • Individual fossils may be misleading
 Comes together in pieces • The collection of fragments comprise the whole
 Has to be done as a team • Putting together a puzzle
 Fragments found • Takes time & patience

 Reassembled • Trying to solve the mystery

 And the story can be told


(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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PALEONPSYCHOTHERAPY TRAUMA FOSSILS TELL US THE TRAUMA STORY


 Drilling down takes great skill • Eventually a picture or shape emerges
 Sensitivity for the fragility of the fossil • A story can be told
• And the story behind the story
 Patience
• Is an emotionally evocative
 Comes together in pieces experience
 Has to be done as a team • Fraught with intense feelings
 Eventually it will be unearthed • Elation and happiness
 Reassembled • Sadness and anger
 And the story can be told • Ending with closure & the rewriting of one’s history
(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SELF-LOVE ABUNDANCE STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SELF-LOVE ABUNDANCE
• Self-Love Recovery/SLDD Cure has resolved the underlying causes • Transitioning from SLDD to SLA
• Linearly – in order • Stage 8 is progressive / incremental
• No easy task: can take up to 2 years  Evolving
• Longer, if relapses end the treatment process  Transforming
• At Stage 8 there is a HUGE shift
 Self-reinforcing - the good self-fulfilling prophesy
o Emotional
 Infectious
o Social/interpersonal
o Familial • Attachment trauma resolution is eventually achieved
o Occupational/professional • Begin to live emotionally in the present
• Self-love takes root • It is not a destination, it is a path
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SLA STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SLA
• Noticeable changes internally and externally
• SLA is not a destination, it is a path
• “Falling in love” with ourselves is “infectious”
• The hardest part is done • Loneliness is replaced by an appreciation to be alone
• Reflexive motivation to seek self-loving activities & people • Relationships become healthier, open & honest
• Avoiding the opposite • Further development
• Practice makes perfect • Resiliency
• Learning what should have happened in childhood • Support systems
• Self-care
• May have “kid in candy store” excitement
• Self-esteem
(c) Ross Rosenberg

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE, NOT A MANDATE FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF


• “Falling in love” with ourselves is “infectious”
• Must be organic, should not be forced
• Noticeable changes internally and externally
• The only rule is to feel the feelings & not feel bad about them
• Weight of lifetime of sadness is visably lifted
• Allow the free flow of anger & resentment for what happened • Pathological loneliness is “cured”
• Optional to confront another person(s) • Relationships become healthier
• Not always liberating, but usually healing • Further development
• May get stuck in anger & resentment – this is ok • Resiliency
• Support systems
• May decide to let go of negative feelings
• Self-care
• May choose to not forgive • Self-esteem
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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(c) Ross Rosenberg

READY & STRONG ENOUGH FOR GRIEF


• The importance of sadness
• Honesty about losses
 Time
 Opportunities
 Career
 Children
 Health
• Letting it go
• Acceptance (c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SLA


Reshaping/Rewriting Personal Narrative
• Gaslit narratives neutralized
• Self & relational narratives evolve
• Teenage-like experimentation
• Failure is about the project, not self
• The mirror reflects hope & optimisim
• Able to solve problems

(c) Ross Rosenberg

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE - NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY THE AUTOMATIC RECALIBRATION OF


• Not a religious proposition THE HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME
• Guilted or premature forgiveness can be traumatizing/harmful
 Perpetuates the further need for defense mechanisms
 May stunt the trauma resolution/healing process
 May be disempowering
 May reinforce the perpetrator’s excuses
 May be re-traumatizing
• It must be the client’s decision
• Has its own timeline – shouldn’t be forced
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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STAGE 9: PRACTICING & ENJOYING SELF-LOVE DRIVEN


RELATIONSHIPS
• HMS shift/the recalibration of your CSV
• Time to allow someone into your heart-space
• Time to experiment in relationships
• The abstinence period is over!
• Dating/relationships are recommended THE BROKEN “PICKER” IS
• Time to be careful, selective, patient REPAIRED
• Practicing resilience
 It’s learning and practice time
(c) Ross Rosenberg

SLA PNARC MAGNETS

TWO Codependents OR
SLA-SLA HUMAN MANGET SYDROME CHEMESTRY TWO PnarcISSISTS

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SEX/ROMANTIC INTIMCACY IS NOW ALLOWED!


• From independent to interdependent
• Before it was a ½ + ½ = 1 “equation”
 Sex bridged the fear of abandonment gap
 Soothed pathological loneliness
• Now it is a 1 + 1 = 2 equation
 Healthy intimacy, but still with important boundaries
INTERDEPENDENT HUMAN MAGNETISM  Individuated sex!
• Two people building the other
• Protecting each other (c) Ross Rosenberg

DATING AND ROMANCE RELATIONSHIP CIRCLES


• Freedom from former HMS patterns • Relationships re-configure
• New “magnetism” patterns emerge
• Fear of loneliness no longer guides decisions
• Not in a hurry to find the “one” because
• SLA’s have choices
of comfort, freedom & joy of SLA
• Doesn’t have to be “all or nothing”
• Stage 9 Paradox
 Much higher probability of finding “soul mate” • Ebb and flow
 Much lower numbers • Changes are natural
 Less people to choose • Ending relationships is inevitable for some
 Desperation is replaced by hope • The way it should have always been
(c) Ross Rosenberg

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LRC MUTUAL RELATIONSHIPS RULE CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK RULE


• SLA’s are not the feedback
• LRC = Loving/love, Respecting/respect, Caring/care requisite • Healthy people don’t have narcissistic injuries
• SLA’s demand nothing less • They appreciate, want, need the feedback
• LRC Mutual is how it always should have been
GUILT RULE
“Guilt signifies when we did something wrong and helps us to be accountable for
• How we have re-written our story it. Thus, the bad feeling we identify as guilt, is a gift- one that teaches us what to
not to do wrong doing again. To feel guilty because of what others believe as
• The SLA/SLA relationship is the dream come true! "wrong or bad" is waste of energy and time. Insist on feeling guilty when a real
mistake has been made. Cast aside "guilt trips" as they are judgments of right
• SLA protect SLA and wrong and someone else's mandate to feel bad. However, own your
mistakes and make your guilt a sweet reminder of your human vulnerability. Let
 They fought hard to get to it! your self feel bad only long enough to grow and learn from your mistake.” RR
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

POSESSING A NARCOMETER & CODOMETER STAGE 10: SHEDDING SLDD: ACHIEVING THE CODEPENDENCY CURE

(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

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THE ACHEIVMENT OF SELF-LOVE ABUNDANCE INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL “GOD”


• From Self-Psychology theory
• With SLA, God resides within us
• “He” is should-to-shoulder with our self-love (LRC)
• “His” love and forgiveness is always within us
 Similar to healthy caregiver-child attachment
• Self-love abundance, therefore, perpetuates spirituality

(c) Ross Rosenberg


• Spirituality, therefore, perpetuates self-love abundance

Clinical Care Consultants


Advanced Clinical Trainers
Arlington Heights, Illinois, USA
Info@AdvancedClinicalTrainers.com

HIS BOOK:The Human Magnet Syndrome: http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/


http://www.amazon.com/The-Human-Magnet-Syndrome-People/dp/1936128314
YOUTUBE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/user/clinicalcareconsult
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ROSS’S SEX ADDICTION TREATMENT SITE: HTTP://WWW.HELP4SEXUALADDICTION.COM/
ROSS ROSENBERG’S ARTICLES: http://goo.gl/lRG3d4
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BLOG: http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/blog-posts/&
(c) Ross Rosenberg http://blog.clinicalcareconsultants.com/

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