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Paul McKenna - Mind & Body Techniques - The Art of Flirting

The Art of Flirting

Flirting is a way of signalling attraction without commitment, a no strings attached way

of having fun with other people without any emotional fallout. At school we are taught
maths and English but not important communication skills that are vital to success in
later life. Indeed it seems to me that many people are largely unaware of many of the
subtle signals they are sending and receiving. One of the most important of these is the
skill of flirting. Flirting is not just about sending sexual signals, everyone flirts,
salespeople do it, flirting is another name for prospecting.

Statistically the biggest phobia in the western world and the one that I get asked to fix a
lot is the fear of public speaking. However, the fear of having a conversation with a
stranger, and worse than that, being rejected by that person is one that most people can
identify with, because we all fear rejection. Even more peculiar is the notion that a lot of
people nowadays can feel so awkward talking to someone but somehow are quite
comfortable jumping into bed with them. Flirting is supposed to be fun. It's about being
playful and should be accompanied by a good dose of humour.

People have forgotten how much fun the flirting part is, and many people have not even
taken the time or trouble to master this skill, and make no mistake, flirting is a learned
skill. Little girls often learn it from their mothers or elder sisters, cousins or friends.
However if you weren't lucky enough to be surrounded by flirts below is a simple easy
to follow plan to the top ten techniques of flirting that anyone can follow. Of course
before you start practise your flirting, you have to find someone to flirt with and that is
a whole skill in itself.

In simple if you want to flirt with someone, all you need to do is send a signal of
interest. If you then receive a signal of interest back withdraw and invite that person to
become closer.

How to meet people to flirt with

You can meet people anywhere there are people. The key is to get from being a
stranger, to being an acquaintance and finally a friend. If you are trying to meet
somebody in a coffee shop, the supermarket, or a bar the basic rule is the same. Let the
other person know that you are interested in getting to know them. Most people when
they see somebody they are attracted to, tend to ignore them and look anywhere but at
them. This is not going to get you very far. The other person will interpret you ignoring
them as disinterest.
The reason people do this is their innate fear of rejection. This is one of those fears that
is grossly exaggerated in people's imagination and can usually be dispelled by applying
a bit of reality and common sense.

People are not as frightening as we think. Most people will not mind being approached,
they will find it flattering, and even if they are not interested in taking the approach
further will generally be polite and good humoured about it. If you are somewhere and
see somebody you like the look of, make eye contact, if they look back, try smiling, and
if that seems welcome, simply introduce yourself. Hi my name is …. works well on
most people. Or a simple hello with a smile. Smiles tend to elicit smiles. Then simply
offer a little information about yourself rather than firing questions at the other person.
The more you tell the person about you the less of a stranger you are to them, and by
showing a little interest in their life and situation you are inadvertently flattering them
which will make them feel good rather than threatened.

One word of advice, it's best not to ask them what they do. Otherwise you will simply
get the work side of them, instead ask them what they like to do after work, or what
they do to have fun. Make sure you listen to them, remember what they say and try and
repeat it back. This will make them feel interesting and more relaxed.

Get in the mood

Your mood or state is all important when you set out to flirt. Everybody should practise
generating good feelings regularly just because you can. You need to make sure that
you feel confident as that will inspire confidence in the other person. When you feel
good about yourself you will make the other person feel good too and you will seem
attractive as a result. It is easy to put yourself into a confident state before you go out
using this simple technique. However, you don't have to be slick, authenticity is a far
more desirable quality. In fact may just be that the most attractive thing you can offer
that person is your willingness to be a little embarrassed.

Compliments are great. The wonderful thing about them is that everyone loves
receiving them, they make you feel good and you can never be annoyed with the person
offering you one. You can compliment everyone you meet, just for practise. From the
guy serving you in a restaurant, to your boss, it will go a long way to making people
more attracted to you without realising why. If you are unconsciously associated in
somebody's mind to their feeling good about themselves they will absolutely love being
around you and will like you more as a result.

Pay somebody a compliment. It makes them feel good and it will make you feel good.
The more relaxed you become about it the better. Then when you meet somebody you
like it will be more natural and easy to talk, to be attentive and to flatter them. This will
pay off amazingly. You will get a lot more compliments back as well which is always a
lovely boost. They will make you feel more confident and confidence is the most
attractive quality to attract a mate.

Space Invasion
One of the most basic and easiest ways to create closeness is to break into the other
person's space. This has to be done very carefully without getting in the other person's
face instead of space! The rule is very simple, once you have connected with someone
it's very powerful to back away slightly sending them the invitation to enter your
intimate space. Keep watching for how the other person reacts to small forays into their
space, with your hands or leaning in with your body. Test their space boundaries using
small moves to calibrate their reactions. If you are paying attention it's easy to detect if
they are welcoming to your advances or unwelcoming, in which case BACK OFF.
Never Use Chat Up Lines
Don't use lines because quite simply they never work. If you use a clever, funny line on
someone it really doesn't have a lot of potential to go any further than that. The recipient
will rarely have anything to say back, there is no come back to a line other than a groan
or a grimace. It also has overtones of thinking that they say that to everyone and that
their motives are purely sexual. Shyness, rather than cockiness, tends to work much
better at creating closeness and forming a bond. It's far better to convey a genuine
sentiment of what is happening at the time than some clever one liner.

We are always fundamentally attracted to people that we perceive as similar to us. We
unconsciously seek out people who share similar backgrounds, looks, tastes and
personalities. Research has shown that the largest part of the meaning of our
communication is conveyed through body language. When you use the mirroring
technique, that is a simple copying of some their movements, speaking at the same pace
and volume as another you will automatically be creating a bond of similarity between
you and the other person at the unconscious level. They will feel more at ease with you,
causing the to think 'this person is like me, I can trust them'. Try not to be obvious about
this, echoing rather than exactly copying their posture and gestures, if they become
consciously aware you are mirroring them it may cause offence.

There is quite simply nothing sexier and more likely to create intimacy than whispering.
Plus it really doesn't matter what you whisper. It has so many advantages - you have to
lean in very close to do it and it has such sexy overtones but without being threatening.
Of course it works best in a crowded place as there is a ready made excuse for doing it.
It can create instant closeness if you whisper something conspiratorial to someone you
don't know. Try walking up to someone that you like the look of at a party and whisper
to them that you need saving from another guest. The other person gets to be your
instant hero, you are bonded together against a common foe. It's funny but also has the
added benefit of making you look desirable.

Sharing anything can quickly imply intimacy. Sharing a laugh, a joke, a conversation
can all be made to feel personal and be the perfect opportunity for flirting. However, if
you can get to a place where you are sharing food or drink you are home and dry. It is
very flirtatious to offer somebody food or to taste your cocktail. This obviously works
best at a party or dinner. It is not particulary appropriate to offer a stranger sitting near
you in starbucks a taste of your latte! Use your common sense with this one. It is a very
good gauge of how receptive the other person is to you by how far they are prepared to

Eye Contact
This is a huge part of flirting. So much can be communicated to another person through
your eyes and how many times you meet their gaze, and where your eyes go to after you
make eye contact.

Everybody is suggestible to some degree. The American hypnotist Ross Jefferies who
teaches the contraversial art of 'Speed Seduction' makes the observation that far too
many people attempt to impress another by trying to show how clever they are or how
much they have. He uses a very simple model; Get the other person's attention then
drive them in to a state of arousal. This particular approach does take some skill and
practice. His patter goes something like: "Let me ask you question. Have you ever been
totally fascinated with someone? Like maybe as you were there, looking at him, and
you started to LISTEN CAREFULLY, it was like his voice just seemed to wrap itself
around you, and the rest of your environment just disappeared, and your entire world,
everything you saw, became what was right in front of you? And anything he described,
you found that you could just PICTURE IT CLEARLY? So you know, if he were talk
about a romantic walk, on a moonlit beach, with your perfect partner, you could SEE
YOURSELF there with him, just enjoying what that would be like?"

However, if we make the comparison of flirting to selling it becomes a lot clearer.

Whatever anyone is selling, be it houses, cars or insurance, they are ultimately selling
good feelings. When you are selling yourself to someone else jut ask yourself 'What
does this person need to hear to feel good about me' Very often it's just that you are
natural and spontaneous.

Obviously some more than others but it is fair to say that millions would not be spent on
advertising products each year if people weren't open to suggestion. I have made a
career out of it. You can use people's suggestibility to suggest you are attractive and
desirable. And they will often believe you, if you put the case subtly enough and often
enough. A few examples of suggestions:

Building A Bridge
An old technique that spies are taught when wishing to establish rapport is to imagine
building a bridge of light between yourself and the other person. Usually it's best to start
it in you heart and extend it to their heart. I know this sounds a little strange, but many
people report that it works.

Your clothes convey a non-verbal message. Remember sexual clothes may create
arousal, but that does not equal attraction. This is one of those areas where you might
want to ask a friend for feed back. Usually it's best to choose a friend of the same sex
you wish to attract.

Body Language
There's so much that can be said about body language, however, in general it's usually
best to be at 45degrees to the other person so that you are presenting yourself, but you
are also holding something back. Try to align your eyes and mouth to the other persons.
A simple handshake can say a lot, for example research has shown that the optimum
handshake lasts for 5 seconds, a dry palm is essential and eye contact and slight smile
all help to create a positive impression. In terms of body language for a woman. Once
you have initiated conversation the classic signs that most men will respond to and
recognise as gestures of attraction are hair tossing and laughing. The flirtatious laugh is
different to a normal laugh in that it is slightly exaggerated with the head thrown further
back to expose the neck. However, when you are just talking, it is just as effective to tilt
your head back slightly and draw attention to your neck by running two fingers down it
from below the chin towards the cleavage. This is incredibly provocative and much less
Finally don't give up if you don't get immediate results. As Thomas Watson the founder
of IBM said ' If you want to increase you success rate you have to be prepared to
increase your failure rate