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HINDUISM: WHAT MAKES IT SO FREAKIN’ “COOL”.

COMPILED FROM DIFFERENT BALL-STROKIN’ SOURCES AND HUMBLY SUBMITTED BY


DR CARL WILFIL URANUS, RECREATIONAL PROCTOLOGIST PAR EXCELLANCE.

PREFACE – INTRODUCTION - CREDITS: A (DIRTY) MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE!

Being fair-minded and kinda’ modest, I must admit that I would be undeservedly
‘stealing someone else’s thunder’, or ‘basking in someone else’s glory’ or ‘raiding
someone else’s orchard’, or hung by my testicles for exhuming archaic clichés if I were
to omit mentioning numerous other academicians, researchers, practitioners of creative
boinking and ‘alternate’ practices, etc. whose contribution made this Paper possible. But
since they’re too freakin’ numerous to mention; I won’t! B’sides, I would be betraying a
sacred trust if I were to list the perverts here. Many have already been acknowledged in
crime reports, police mug shots, commitments to mental health facilities or hospices,
H&S 5150 referrals, and other accounts of cuckoo happenings. Nevertheless, here’s a
‘virtual’ “THANK ‘EU! THANK EU VERRRY MUCH!” to whomsoever this may concern ...

For those easily offended and quick to judge cynicism as representative of poor taste,
you’re probably right; so I suggest you skip my comments and proceed elsewhere to
areas of “political correctness” lest I be judged harshly, and you, righteously begrudged!

Having said that …

My interest in researching Hinduism is a modest endeavor at a


scholarly investigation into Comparative Religion where ‘neath the
sanctimonious robe of every religion lurks a ravenous predator
that throbeth hither and thither and beckoneth its prey in
earnest1. Of (just about) all the ‘holy’ books I had the pleasure of
ogling through the juicy parts (in the privacy of my bathroom), I
thought the Talmud had ‘em all beat ‘hands down’ – until the part
where it preached that it was OK to have sex with a 3 year baby
girl; that when her screams subside (Voila …) she becomes a
Born Again Virgin! A stillborn virgin! So much for thoughts on converting to Judaism …

The Bible was First Runner Up! Some good porn there, Guys! I highly recommend
regular reading of the Good Book – just to keep yourself regular and your motor
running. “Sodom and Gomorrah” was my personal fav; Lot boning his daughters, etc. …
– until I came to the part of Fire & Brimstone from a thoroughly pissed off God!
Obviously no sense of humor there …. That killed my erection faster than the recollection
of my day in Divorce Court. Bad tryp!

The Khoraan was a miserable disappointment! No juicy stuff there, Folks; only promises
of goodies to come. Promises …. Promises … Sorta’ like an IOU. But you gotta die first!

And then I hit the mother lode – the Mother F***ing Load, Jack! HINDUISM! It sure
as fudge made a believer outta me! Read on …

1
WILLYA SHAKEMOIPETER – Renowned Pervert & Adult XXX Thespian.
© Copyright 2010 – Carl Wilfil Uranus, Recreational Proctologist - All Rights Reserved Page 1 of 8
THE FOLLOWING HINDU PRACTICES WILL REVEAL HOW OUR CONSERVATIVE VIEWS ON
IMMORALITY AND INDECENCY ARE IN MANIFEST ERROR; THEREFORE, SANCTIFIED IN HINDUISM.

PORNOGRAPHY IN THE RAMAYANA: PANORAMIC VIEW THRU’ A PROCTOSCOPE.

The Ramayana contains much pornographic material and cannot be


narrated in public2: e.g., Rama’s description of Sita’s callipygian
beauty which is graphically detailed (refer to C.R. Srinivasalyengar’s
translation of Aryana Kandam, Chapter 46). In Kiskind Kandam,
Rama explains to Lakshmana of his sexual escapades with Sita in
‘stroke-by-stroke’ detail – obviously a guy who can’t be trusted with
intimate secrets!

According to The Ramayana, the Aryans (Brahmins) used to drink liquor (nine different
kinds), were carnivorous, polygamous, and prostitution was an accepted way of life
amongst the priests and ‘gods’. Historically, polygamy and lesbianism always went
‘hand-in-hand’ – even today! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how come
ladies in the Sheiks’ harems (their eunuch bodyguards also!) are all a bunch of happy
campers – with sore groins and calloused tongues.

The Ramayana also recounts the story of King Dasharatha, who, in order to have a baby
son, made a big sacrifice (Yaham) of sheep, cattle, horses, birds and snakes. He then
delivered his three eager wives Kaushaliya, Sumatirai and Kaikeyi to three eager priests.
These holy men, having their fill of the ‘Holey’ Dip, returned the anointed ladies to the
anxious king. By this means, His Majesty was able to have three bastard sons – Ram,
Lakshman and Bharat (Bala Kandam – check out Chapter 14. For more details on
Yaham, refer to the book “Gnana Surian”, published by Kudi Arasu Press).

The Ramayana tells us much about the Taboo relationship of incest but (Ahem!), being
a decent sort, I don’t feel it appropriate or in good taste to go into details here – maybe
some other time over beer (or maybe after a few paragraphs below!). Meanwhile, please
refer to Aranya Kandam, Chapter 45, Verses 122 thru’ 125 - and keep a towel handy!

LINGAM & YONI: STORY OF TWO ‘BESTEST’ FRIENDS!

Lingam and Yoni are the male and female sexual organs respectively. Hindus are
allowed to worship any f***ing thing (literally!) – including sexual organs. It is quite
common for them to name their children Shiva Lingam (‘god’ Shiva’s wiener) or Rama
Lingam (‘god’ Rama’s dong). In some place in Karnataka, the ‘god’s demand both male
and female cock-worshippers and pussy-worshippers alike to pray naked together no
doubt to facilitate more immediate and focused divine attention.

DEVADASI (RELIGIOUS PROSTITUTION): HOLEY HOOKERS & CAVITY-FILLING PENANCE.

According to a Times of India report (10-11-1987), the Devadasi system was set up as a
result of a conspiracy between the feudal class and the priests (Brahmins). The latter,

2
Well, it can! But I don’t wanna be responsible for your hard on … So there!
© Copyright 2010 – Carl Wilfil Uranus, Recreational Proctologist - All Rights Reserved Page 2 of 8
with their ideological and religious hold over the peasants and craftsmen, devised a
means that gave prostitution their religious sanction. Impoverished, low-caste girls,
initially sold at private auctions, were subsequently dedicated to the temples to be later
initiated into prostitution.

THE BHARAT NATYAM & THE BRAHMINS: PUBIC PUBLIC SEDUCTION.

The Bharat Natyam is a dance performance which, because of the Brahmin-controlled


media, has gained much recognition as a national Art Form. The celebrated Bharat
Natya expert Rukminii Devi admits in a National Geographic video, that the Bharat Natya
was actually the scheme of Devadasi (temple whores) to seduce their audience. This is
why sculptures in various sexually suggestive Bharatha Natya postures exist in Hindu
temples. In like manner as the art of GEISHA is to the Japanese, the BHARAT NATYAM is
a national art form of the Brahmins and an integral part of the groovy culture.

THE KAMASUTRA: LET ME COUNT THE WAYS I LOVE THEE (OR MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SKIN A CAT!).

Brahminism has also created


Kamasutra – a set of instructions on
how to have sexual intercourse with
different ‘types’ of women. Some of
the postures detailed in the
Kamasutra are so damn complex;
they can only be performed with the
help of one or more ASSISTANTS! It
would also be worthwhile to have a
tube of Xylocaine Jel and a large
bottle of painkillers within easy
reach.

The temples at Kajuraho stand


testament to the fact that not even
stray dogs3 and other animals were
spared from the indiscriminate ‘holey
Dipping’!

3
Hence originated the reference to dogs as “Man’s best friend”.
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THE DEVADASII SYSTEM IS ALIVE AND WELL, THANK YOU!

UNI. – TIMES OF INDIA – 10th Nov. 1987: confirms that the practice of dedicating young
Harijan4 girls (Mahars, Mangs, Dowris and Chambhar) at childhood to a goddess, and
their initiation into prostitution when they attain puberty continues to thrive in
Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh and other parts of South India. This is largely due to social
backwardness, poverty and illiteracy, according to an intense ‘hands on’ (and pants off?)
study by two doctors of the India Health Organization.

The report clearly confirms that the Devadasi system was indeed the result of a
conspiracy between the feudal class and the priests (Brahmins), who with their
ideological and religious hold over the peasants and craftsmen, devised a practice which
acquired religious sanction. This they noted in their study on - “DEVADASIS – THE LINK
BETWEEN RELIGIOUS CULTURE AND CHILD PROSTITUTION”.

The study showed that pre-pubescent/adolescent girls from poor families are married off
to ‘god’ Krishna and sold after puberty at private auctions to a High Caste master who
baits them with a sum of money to their families ranging from Rs 500/- to Rs 5,000/-;
small change to the master-baiters!

The study, made during health camps organized by the World Health Organization
(WHO) in the Devadasi populated areas, revealed that these dedicated girls formed 15
percent of women involved in prostitution in the country, and as much as 70 to 80
percent of prostitutes in the border districts of Karnataka and Maharashtra – commonly
referred to as the AIDS Capital of India: Scary! But we really don’t want to get into that
right now: It would defeat the purpose! Nowhumsayin’?

4
The so-called (erstwhile) “Untouchable” Class of Hindu society.
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THE NAKED HINDU YOGIS OF KASHI: SMOKING THE BONG; SWINGING THE SCHLONG!

Many of the Yogis of Kashi (Banaras, India) live


naked to demonstrate their renunciation of
earthly ties, and beg for a living. They live in
unhygienic conditions; drug addiction is
widespread among them. Yet, the people
consider them ‘enlightened beings’ and hold them
in high regard.

Our spiritually evolved leaders and intellectuals


have all contributed to superstitious beliefs and
have helped these ‘saints’ thrive and practice
seemingly deceptive methods of milking the
public. But there’s gotta be some freakin’ truth to
this lunacy since, among the worshippers of such
naked ‘godmen’, there are a number of high court
judges, advocates, engineers, doctors, cinema
actors and actresses, professors, politicians
amongst the run-o’-the-mill hookers and closet
perverts.

For more (sordid) details on these Hindu ‘saints’


and Yogis, watch the video - “SHOCKING ASIA” –
available from:
• Atlas International Film GmbH, Munich, Germany.
• Replay Video, London.
• Distribution First Film Organization, Hong Kong.

SKINNY DIPPING! SHOW & TELL.

AGENCIES News Agency reports on


23.09.1987 that at Kurushetra
(India) about 1,000 NAKED Hindu
“Sadhus” (saints) plunged into the
river during the solar eclipse,
claiming this to be a “holy dip”. Over
one million pilgrims, naked and
semi-naked, male and female, also
followed them into the river where
overcrowding has been known to go
‘hand in glove’ with (in)appropriate
underwater body contact.

The largest of such pools is


Brahmasarovar, said to cater to
100,000 bathers at a time. Much
© Copyright 2010 – Carl Wilfil Uranus, Recreational Proctologist - All Rights Reserved Page 5 of 8
pushing, shoving, and groping was the norm as there was hardly any room to
accommodate everyone at one time. Huge crowds waited on the banks for a chance to
participate in the “holy dip”, disrobing on the go with full or partial naked body contact
from fellow pilgrims (as well as those with incontinence): a pervert’s paradise! The
Haryana government delegated 20,000 (clothed) policemen to keep vigil on
nonconsensual fondling and other perverse activities collateral to this popular religious
ritual. “This is the typical scenario of ‘holy dips’ in India”, opined a Government
spokesperson in confidence. (Splish! Splash! Gimme some ass!5).

Aside from this public testicle spectacle, pilgrims are required to gaze directly at the sun!
Scientists and doctors strongly advise against this practice as it is likely to cause
blindness – of little concern to an opportunist since “A blind victim is an easy victim6”!

PEDOPHILIA, RAMPANT - INCEST, EMULATED: NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BLEED – BUT OLD ENOUGH TO BREED?

The most authoritative Hindu law-book - Manu.IX.94 commands: “A man, aged thirty
years, shall marry a maiden of twelve who pleases him, or a man of twenty-four a girl of
eight years of age; if (the performance of) his duties would otherwise be impeded, he
must marry sooner;" this catch ‘em early ritual is to avoid scandals and finger pointing
that would potentially tarnish a family’s otherwise good reputation in the community!
Some ‘minus points’ in prospective brides are if they already had a relationship with
another man or have their minds set on another. These should be summarily disqualified
(Sheth 67); a custom similar to Church-ruled medieval Europe where non-virgin girls
were precluded from marrying.

The custom of child-marriage and child-molesting has divine sanction in Hinduism. The
`great god' Rama was 16 years old when he married Sita. It is almost certain that Sita
was, as per the Manuid laws, one-third of his age, i.e., 5 years old! It is inconceivable
that the ‘great' Rama could have dared violate the Vedic laws of Manu. Aside from being
a child-molester,’ holy' Rama was also a practitioner of incest since Sita, as documented
in the oldest surviving Ramayanas, is referred to as his very own kid sister7.

Anthropological research shows that incest was institutionalized in Rama's race, the
Ikshvaku dynasty of Aryan Kshatriyas : " In the Anabattha Sutta and the Mahavastu
Avadana we are told that the Ikshvaku princes, who were banished by their father and
took shelter on the slopes of the Himalayas, and from whom the Sakyas traced their
descent, married their own sisters in order to maintain the purity of their line." (See
Chandra, p.155). Hence, it is virtually certain that Sita was Rama's sister and such an
`upright astik Hindu', as he is regarded, would not have let his kid sister grow beyond
the embarassing old age of 8 years; a limit prescribed by Aryan law for his bride-to-be.

Admittedly, Hindu culture did set some not-so-groovy precedents like genocide of
women, sacrificeal suicide of a widow over her old man’s funeral pyre (sati), female
infanticide, pre-marital requirement for dowry, etc. (Nand 17, Bash.167-8, Yad 70
Alt.16, Ban.70), but we really don’t wanna get into that right now for fear of a limp
‘disposition’. B’sides, it would defeat the purpose … Nowhumsayin?

5, 6
WILLYA SHAKEMOIPETER – Renowned Pervert & Adult XXX Thespian.
7
Hence the origination of the exclamation, “Hoooly Fuck …!” and the Hindi compliment, “Bahen Chot!”.
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EUGENICS – ETHNIC CLEANSING: A GOOD NON-BRAHMIN IS A DEAD NON-BRAHMIN.

There’s considerable documentation that evinces the main reason for the Brahmins to
enforce child marriages and incest upon the subject populations is that these activities lead
to the permanent genetic degradation of the non-Brahmin races and their eventual
extinction. But, whattaway to go, eh? It is common knowledge that consanguineous coitus
leads to genetic mutations in the offspring; irreversible hereditary defects which are then
passed on to succeeding generations and is catalytic to extermination of the blood lineage
eventually: a convenient method for the Brahmins to annihilate the non-Brahmins and
establish a pure Brahmavarta! Sorta like condemning them to death thru’ indiscriminate
fucking. But if this were indeed so, where lies the logic when the Brahmin conspirators
partake in the goodies themselves? “A stout Lingam hath no conscience…”8?

THE MIRACLE MEN: PREMATURE EJACULATION & HOW RISHIS WERE CREATED.

According to the Hindu Holy books, ‘god’ Brahma arranged the marriage of ‘god’ Shiva to
‘goddess’ Parvathi. When they went around the matrimonial fire as per Hindu religious rites,
‘god’ Shiva gawked at the mesmeric protuberance of ‘goddess’ Parvathi’s divine gluteus and
unexpectedly shot his load into the fire whereupon (Ta daa …) his charred semen
manifested into Rishis (priests). Some scholars opine that this earliest documented incident
of unrestrained lust established a religious Hindu precedent: widespread occurrences of
premature ejaculation amongst devotees emulating the exemplary demonstration of carnal
self-gratification by deity; (and a simultaneous extramarital rush by frustrated Hindu women
for men who demonstrate self-control).

SEX WITH COWS: OR “HOW TO KEEP YOUR BOVINE HAPPY & BEEF STROKIN’-OFF”!

In many Hindu temples, there are sculptures depicting lesbianism; men having sex not only
with multiple women, other men, and dogs but also with cows and elephants, which are
considered sacred.

According to one Hindu Rishi, such sculptural depictions of sex with sacred animals are
illustrative of (what else?) Sacred Sex! They actually hold a ‘hidden instructional message’
encouraging a sacred union with deceased relatives reincarnated as sacred bovines. So if
you’ve always wanted to hump your dead great grandma, here’s a possible opportunity…

“What about sex with non-sacred animals such as dogs and poultry” asked an ignorant
foreign tourist? “You ignorant foreign tourists are such ignorant foreign tourists”,
observed the learned Rishi correctly! ”Why shouldn’t they have some fun also, huh?!
D’ya see just how prejudicial your decadent Western culture is? That’s why ours is
such a ‘hep’ religion. We put a big ‘F’ in ‘fun’, Baby! We’re a Secular, Non-
Discriminatory, Affirmative Action, Equal Opportunity Skewers: Everyone is
entitled to some! Nowhomsayin …? Now be a good sport and drop your pants,
Peckerwood; ‘tis time to be enlightened!”

Ain’t no doubt about it: The ignorant West has a lot to learn from the mysterious ways of
the enlightened East. JAI HIND – Baibee!!

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WILLYA SHAKEMOIPETER – Renowned Pervert & Adult XXX Thespian.
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PAGE DELIBERATELY LEFT (partially) BLANC FOR AIMLESS DOODLING.

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