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Defensive positions


(But it’s kind of offensive if you think about it)

The guide of rules:

1. You may use any defensive attack in any order of awesomeness
2. Items used in this book come at your own cost
3. Always be prepared and know your defences
4. And the motto of this book is ‘Be prepared’

Written and promoted by Warren Liebenberg

1. Hold one finger up

2. Hold two fingers up
3. Hold three fingers up
4. Hold four fingers up
5. Hold five fingers up
6. Hold six fingers up
7. Hold seven fingers up
8. Hold eight fingers up
9. Hold nine fingers up
10. Hold ten fingers up
11. Hold one hand up
12. Hold two hands up
13. Hold a fake hand up
14. Hold two fake hands up
15. Attempt to slap someone and run away
16. Throw the fake hand at them……… then run
17. If you are in a secure area, call in an air strike
19. Put your hands in your shirt as if you have a weapon of some kind
20. Rip off your clothes in an attempt to show them how strong you are
21. Say you were bitten by an atomic super bug and you will use force
22. Describe with the person the meaning of oiduts, they will get it
23. Give them a handshake, and then rip off their arm
24. Give them a hi five, and then rip off their arm
25. Say it was a misunderstanding, and then rip off their arm
26. Shoot some silly string at them
27. Point a pound of bears you will use later on
28. By now you’re wondering why you are still reading this
29. But it’s ok; you just want to know how to fend off criminally insane robots wi
th a toothbrush and a monkey on steroids
30. So here it goes
31. If you want to save yourself from robots, just gather up some homeless guys
and a bucket of paint, when the time comes you’ll know what to do with them
32. If by chance you have studied the meaning of oiduts then you can hit them wi
th a text book of some kind
33. To scare the pants off them, say you are an alien and you will get down on t
he ground and call them in your underwear, will reciting the national book of wo
rld records
34. If you carry a paint gun, I know I do, then throw it in any direction and ru
n like hell
35. For this one you’ll need a guinea pig, and a library card, firstly gain access
to the library, then throw the guinea pig at them
36. Crap only number 36.
37. Well do you want to know more?
38. Of course you do, so put on a translucent jacket and let’s go
39. Pretend you’re a stalker, everyone’s afraid of stalkers, except me, cause I’m batm
an, not Sean, his just a batman poser
40. I know more than anyone how easy it is to carry a rape whistle but, it’s even
more effective if you just scream out rape and run off
41. Pick up a rock and then shove it down your pants everyone will crap themselv
42. While being confronted, gather up some friends and have a massive hand orgy,
it won’t help but damn it rocks
43. Speaking of which, Sean, you have an appointment at three, sharp
44. Um, what else can I tell you?
45. Oh, yah put on some glasses they will instantly make you invisible
46. oh, wait that’s just invisigirl, well I might help anyway
47. Take out your trusty Siamese fighting fish and chuck it at them, being a fig
hting fish means it will use it jujitsu and kick their butts
48. Seek help from the allusive bearded turtle, and if you know have the knowled
ge of the capsicum, he will help
49. Jump in the air and then run like there’s no tomorrow
50. Jump in the air and do two triple back flips
51. If under the f0 place, thingy, then jump on the roof and try to stay there
52. Pick up an echidna and lick it
53. Crap I feel sorry for you if you just did that
54. Man I can’t stop laughing you suck, but really if you did I like your commitm
ent, TO THE MAX!!!!
55. If you’re into crazy stunts them get ready for the next one, seriously
56. Requires a unicycle and a pound of bears, who feels lucky now?!!!!
57. Try to consume a handball, and say you will shoot it through your nose at th
em, you will not believe how many times this has worked
58. Shove your lip balm up their noses
59. But I mean who carries lip balm, except the hulk
60. Make a mama joke, that’ll do pretty much nothing but at least you’ll go down wi
th a laugh
61. TO THE MAAAAXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, MAX POWER YAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
62. Wave your arms randomly in the air
63. Wave your arms randomly in the air while running away like a little girl
64. Curl up in a ball and wait till the ordeal is over
65. Grab their arm and pull it up behind their back, then, RIP IT OFFFFFFF!!!!!!
66. Do the mystical fish dance (refer to warren for mystical fish dance)
67. Attach a car battery to their, um, how shall I put this, “their pair down ther
e”, and blast away
68. Why am I doing this, really?
69. I mean even I know that a cd can be used to, oh your back!!!!!!!!!
70. Well, then
71. Did anyone ever find it strange that I’m writing this down?
72. Ok, anyway, you can always divide them by zero,
73. Then try to multiply them by the pi button
74. Beware in doing this you have just launched a missile from America to the Mi
ddle East
75. Nah, not really but wouldn’t that be awesome
76. Ok, last page, and you thought I wouldn’t make it but you were wrong
77. Ok, never tried it but, fake a phone call and calmly walk away
78. Throw some pottery you stole from the pottery barn
79. Ok, this is experimental, but try and kick them
80. Now do a chuck Norris round house kick
81. Now do a 180 degree twista-flip and aim for the weenies
82. Once complete enjoy in a sweet victory by ripping off his other arm
83. Hey, here’s an idea, have you tried to hit him
84. You could always pull the bird, try to humiliate him before he destroys you
85. Read to him the book of Eli, and then smash him with it
86. Ok, pull your own arm off, and throw it at him
87. If you just did that, …………. I am soooo proud of you
88. Try pointing to something on his shirt only to pull out your miniature switc
h blade and cut off your own finger
89. Release some sort of disease, into his environment of course
90. Tell him to look up and then shove a pencil up his nose
91. Use a rubber to erase his face
92. Now it’s time to tell you what to do with the unicycle and the pound of bears
93. You need to get on the unicycle and gather up all the bears
94. Then throw them at him while playing basketball on the unicycle
95. And then get the mad daddy turtle to do some massive tricks
96. This will in turn increase your translucent t-shirt
97. And eliminate the pound of bears
98. Now one more thing
99. Just a tiny thing……..
100. If all else fails then discuss with him the book of defensive positions tha
t I have just given you, and rip off his “pair down there”
101. A classic in the making, so listen up, take out your trusty spondonacles, g
rab him/it by the ear, and throw him to the ground, and then RIP HIS ARM OFF!!!
102. Now if you have some loose bungy cord hanging around, just tie it to his n
ose hairs and armpit hairs, if you desire, and suspend him over the nearest tree
, then RIP HIS ARM OOFFFF!!!!!!!!!!
103. Take a snickers bar out of your pocket, CAUTION, take it out slowly, and th
en eat it
104. Take out your stable gun, and pierce the ear of your closest friend; you ca
n decide whether it’s the person nearest or whether you are good friends
105. Take your motorbike out of your pants and ride it through the sun, yah you
heard me through the sun
106. Has anyone seen the new twilight movie? Nope, didn’t think so
107. And does anyone care that as I write this I have a scorpion currently eatin
g away at my left knee
108. Shove some corn in his ear and then use a hair dryer that you have just fou
nd, and bombs away
109. So yah the other day I used a hub cap to scare off a couple of street gangs
, about ten at once, want to know how I did it, well too bad
110. I have a secret, you can always buy a cloud sucker, it sucks clouds by the
way, and well then suck the clouds, and shoot it at him, dam that rocks
And thank you for reading the complete and newly revised edition of Defensive Po

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