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Ali

Ben
Waiter
Bee Chef (non speaking)

Lights up:

Restaurant with Ben and Ali

Waiter comes in.

Waiter
Good evening, my name is Darren, but we both know you won’t remember it, so just call
me “Guy”, before we order, are there any allergies the chef needs to be aware of?

Ben
None for me.

Ali
Bees.

Waiter
What?

Ali
I’m allergic to bees.

Waiter
I’ll pass it along to the chef.

Ali
Be sure that you do. I only wish that I passed that bee hive when I was seven, not
aggravating the bees thus enabling my deathly allergy. To bees.

Ben
(to waiter) She is a little tense cause of...ya know….(points down to signify the vaginal
region and leans in to whisper) bee allergy.

Ali
Seriously no bees!

Waiter
I guarantee you ma’am that the food doesn’t have bees in it.
Ali
I wish there was a guarantee when I was a beekeeper, forgot my bee suit one day….

Waiter
You forgot your bee suit?

Ben
The bees had a field day with her. She nearly died.

Ali
And I DON’T wanna die in this restaurant guy! So no bees!

Waiter
I’ll write it down to make sure I don’t forget.

Pretends to write it on a pad.

Ali clutches her chest.

Ali
Oh god!

Ben
Darling are you OK?

Ali
I just had a flashback to when I was trying to get honey out of a beehive….

Waiter
Are you fucking Winnie the Pooh?

Ali
And the bees. Oh the bees. Oh how their stingers stung. Do you remember Ben?

Ben
How could I forget, it was on our way here.

Ali
Fuck bees.

Waiter
So….water? Sparkling or tap?
Ali
My father loved sparkling water, I don’t wanna bore you with what happened between
my father and bees….

Waiter
Good, than don’t.

Ali
A bee killed my father and then dated my mother. He led her on and then broke her
heart. It was devastating. She never recovered.

Waiter
You did hear me tell you that there are no bees in the food right?

Ben
Yes. Please remember, my girlfriend has an allergy to bees. It’s not that she hates them,
they’ve just harmed her physically and emotionally

Ali
Fuck the bees!

Ben
No bees please. You got that Guy?

Ali
No! He doesn’t deserve to be called Guy. Call him by his gross birth name. Darren.

Waiter
I am so sorry about what has happened to you in your life, but I just need to know if
there are any food allergies at this table.

Ali
Oh! You care if the table has allergies but we’re just trash I guess.

Ben
Yeah Darren, did we come in here wearing a Gristedes bag as shorts?

Ali
We don’t do that anymore.

Ben
Not anymore! There was a bee in one.

Waiter
Do either of you two humans sitting at this table have a food allergy?

Ben
Thank you Darren, no I do not. You underground, dirt child.

Ali
I’m allergic to bees and I won’t eat them again.

Waiter
How about some bread for the table!

Ali pounds the table with her fist.

Ali
No! The table can get its own damn food! Why do you care about the table’s needs so
much? Remember where you came from.

Ben
Yeah, from a garbage home!

Waiter
It’s pronounced Gar-bage, Iowa.

Ali
If a bee has even touched the food in any form and that’s including pollination.

Waiter
Ma’am we can’t control pollination

Ben
Well you better learn how to control pollination and cross pollination for that matter. What
kind of restaurant is this? One that sympathizes with the deadly aspect of nature!

Waiter
We are not trying to kill you.

Ben
A yelp review and a petition with the National Council Against Bee Murderers will be
enough to shut this place down.

Waiter
Go fuck yourself for yelp and the National what? I’ve never heard of them.

Ben
And now that’s all you’ll hear.

Ali
You know what? I’ve had it with this restaurant.This is ridiculous. I wanna see the chef!

Chef turns out to be a giant bee.

Ali dies.

Lights out.

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