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Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: F/M, M/M
Fandom: Harry Potter - Fandom
Relationship: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black x Remus Lupin, Sirius Black
and Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily
Evans, James Potter x Lily Evans, James Potter and Lily Evans, James
Potter & Lily Evans
Character: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Lily Evans
Additional Tags: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Pining, Mutual Pining, Love, Fluff
Stats: Published: 2017-03-04 Completed: 2017-04-20 Chapters: 5/5 Words:

by carpethefanfics


A Remus & Lily friendship piece. One where they just can’t seem to ignore the two boys
driving them crazy anymore.


Gotta love some Lily and Remus pining.


See the end of the work for more notes

Lily and Remus

She had gotten so lost in staring at the way the flames of the dying fire licked the stone walls
that she hadn’t heard the first, or second, or even third time the hushed voice had called out her
Yet, once the figure came into frame she lifted her face from the curve of the armrest on the
couch and cringed.
Her cheek ached from being in one place for far too long.
As she attempted to focus her eyes the realization that her whole body had gone numb from
lack of movement dawned on her.
She ignored the painful tingling of her senses springing to life and simply blinked twice to
relieve her emerald eyes of their dryness.
She gazed up to meet those familiar amber ones that she had been seeing at the same time
every night this week at the same moment the first words left his lips.
“Can’t sleep.”
The voice sounded as she thought hers might sound right now; emotionless, hollow, raw.
She let whatever words she thought she should say die in her throat and simply curled her legs
further into herself.
Another step in their ritual.
She would move herself up to give him space and the shadowy figure before her knew her
intentions by now as he was always quick to take his seat next to her.
She could feel his weight dip the cushions down, her toes grazing his warm thigh and his
almost rhythmic breathing lulling her back into reality.
Not that her reality was much better than being lost in her own thoughts at the moment.
But it was better to have him with her.
They sat in silence for a while, Lily was afraid to speak and she knew he was too.
Every conversation they seemed to have at this hour on this couch beneath the all too familiar
glow of these embers left their cheeks tear-stained.
Yet it would still come, a catharsis they both knew they needed.
She found it comforting to talk to him.
She found a solace in Remus that she hadn’t even realized she needed until he pulled it out of
After the first few times he did, she understood that maybe he needed her as his solace too.
“Haven’t come back yet.”
Remus knew instantly what she was talking about and his throat tightened at the words he
didn’t want to say.
James and Sirius had left earlier that evening
Whatever dates were their pick of the month always required their undivided attention
And, much to Lily and Remus’ dismay, the young men were all too willing to give it.
That meant Remus was left alone with his thoughts and nothing but a heavily snoring Peter in
a cold, homely dormitory.
Staring into the darkness that surrounded him
Praying that he fell asleep before the two of them stumbled back into the room
Their too loud to be called hushed voices recalling the night
Their happy laughter
That meant Lily was left to lay awake in her bed, thinking as Remus would, of the one person
they wished they weren’t.
Staring into the maroon curtains trying to picture something, anything else
But always being drawn back in
The dark hair, the deep brown eyes
The first night it had been Lily to discover Remus
He was laying in a similar position as she was now
And it had become habit.
They both knew that if the thoughts were too overwhelming
If the ache too strong
All they needed to do was go down to the common room
Because the other would be there waiting.
“No. It’s only two.”
He could feel Lily curl her legs further into herself obviously recoiling from her own words.
He felt his own body do it too
It was as if they thought they could physically escape the vivid images their minds had most
definitely conjured.
One night a few weeks ago when they had formed this habit, Lily had gotten him into a
conversation that resulted in a complete breakdown of the two boys dating habits.
Sneak away at eleven, charm her out of her wits by midnight, have her swooning by one and
snogging at two.
Remus winced again.
He had seen Sirius snog a girl or two in his life before, usually as a result of a dare or because
Sirius was too drunk to care what he was doing in public.
But the thought of him slowly moving towards a faceless image
A pair of hands wrapping themselves in his silky black hair
Fingers trailing down his chest
And his lips on her neck.
He felt his stomach flipping.
He thought that the only way to quell the storm raging in his mind was to place himself there
His fingers gripping the curly locks
His other hand tangled in his shirt
But it was never enough to quell the longing
Longing for their evenings talking late into the night
Soft murmuring in his bed
Sirius laying on his back and rambling about the world
His eyes sparkling
His smile shining
Knowing he could have that moment with Sirius
That helped
And he knew that at the same moment Lily would be doing the same
He recognized the way her shoulders shuddered and her eyes fluttered shut when she did.
She had been able to avoid her imagination for a while
She had spent months reassuring herself that whatever she thought she was feeling was insane
That Potter was still the same arrogant tosser he had always been
But after the incident on their last Hogsmead trip when Lily saw James and some blonde
practically joined by the mouth, the jealousy flared constantly
Her mind would flash to the memory of James’ hand roaming up her thigh while said girl
trailed her lips across James’ jaw
Her heart would plunge at the thought of James hand slipping button after button open
Because she shouldn’t feel anything
Shouldn’t picture herself there after a long night scheduling the prefects
When they’re huddled on the couch
And her legs are in his lap
And her stomach hurts from laughing
She shouldn’t want him to lean forward
To lace her fingers against the back of his neck and melt
But she did
“Should be climbing through anytime now.”
He felt Lily push herself upwards to sit upright next to him
Her thighs still pressed against her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around her.
It was like she could physically keep her feelings contained if she sat like that.
She would lean into Remus, craving the feeling of warmth that he brought, trying at the same
time to absorb some of the pain they both shared.
He didn’t mind it, his bed felt cold and his body hollow, it was nice to feel something.
Her voice cracked out his name
He cocked his head slightly to look at her
Her glazed over eyes were boring into the dark sky shining through the window beside them.
He kept his eyes on her just as she transferred her gaze back to him in spite of the tears that
had begun to fall from the corner of her eyes.
His voice was barely a whisper
He would be surprised if she had even heard it
Yet she did, she always did
He knew what was coming as soon as the words left her lips
“James deserves to be happy.”
Remus could see her flinch
She was chewing on the inside of her cheek
Trying to hold down the bubbling up of her emotions because the words stung.
It was like a cold winter air whipping across broken, chapped, bloodied lips.
Painful and sore
Remus kept his eyes on her as she continued to avoid his gave
There were obviously thoughts that she had yet to utter aloud
He could practically see the gears turning in her mind
But clearly she couldn’t contain them anymore.
“I gave up my shot.”
He felt he should react
Maybe furrow his brows or rub circles into her back as she spoke but he remained still as she
closed her eyes
The tears still falling
“It’s not fair of me to do this. To feel this. I don’t want to hurt him again.”
Her voice trailed off, broken words and nothing but mumbling over her trembling lips.
Remus couldn’t help but pull her into him.
His arms clinging to her shoulders, her hands clutching his sweater and her forehead pressed
just under his chin.
They were holding on tightly, a familiar grasp for a familiar situation.
He wanted to reassure her that maybe, just maybe, they could come out of this unscathed, all
four of them.
Yet the bubbling of doubt that he had become so accustomed to locked those declarations in
his throat.
Lily wasn’t sobbing, she wasn’t gripping on to Remus out of pain
She was just trying to ground herself.
Stop her mind from tumbling out of control.
Just like he was.
Her heart was crumbling to pieces in her chest and right now Remus was the only real thing
around her.
Because James Potter had done something to her
Something she hadn’t realized she wanted
But his mess of tousled hair
And the way he kinked is eyebrow when he was being cheeky
And how soft spoken he could be
And the immeasurable size of his heart
The realization of how far she had fallen was finally hitting her
So she continued to cling onto Remus
“I don’t want to hurt him either.”
Lily lifted her eyes to see Remus
His words tore deeply into her as they left his lips.
She felt the tears falling down his cheeks as they dripped onto her knuckles so she wrapped
her hands around his waist and lifted her face to see him.
He needed strong, fiery Lily right now, not sad, empty Lily.
“He loves you Remus.”
His glassy amber eyes were staring at her, a wholehearted but fragmented smile etched on her
And he couldn’t help but smile back.
He wanted to say the same to her
Give her the hope she was trying to give him but he stopped when she spoke
Her voice stronger.
“Really. I see the way he looks at you. It’s like he’s mesmerized just by the freckles on your
nose and he forgets that he’s supposed to breathe. It’s how James used to look at me.”
Remus let out a breath of air
It was supposed to be a laugh, supposed to be something light and airy
But it felt harsh.
He closed his eyes at the idea that Lily had been watching them
Trying for his sake to find out whether she could heal Remus’ aching heart.
It was comforting.
Made him believe for a fraction of second that whatever she had seen was genuine and not just
an oversight
That maybe moments like when Sirius brushed the hair out of his eyes
His fingers lingering much too long on Remus’ face
Or sat much too closely to him at the library
With their knees touching and Remus’ cheeks burning
It had been more
It could have been more
That it wasn’t just her delving too deeply into something.
He felt her fingers under his chin, raising his face so that once his eyes opened he was staring
into hers.
“I know you think I’m silly and I know you tell yourself everything you can to keep him at
bay. I know because we’re the same Remus. But if you tell him, you’ll be happy. Don’t do
what I did.”
Remus could feel his throat tightening and his mouth going dry.
The tears were building again in his eyes the longer Lily spoke.
She was looking at him with such adoration that he felt he chest swell, his cracked heart
slightly stitched back into place.
For the moment anyway.
He pulled her back against him, this time the side of her face pressed to the side of his and his
fists balled up in the back of her jumper.
He wanted to pour into her every good thing he had ever felt because this beautiful young
woman was ethereal.
She was the type of person who had taken one look at him after she found out he was what he
was and smiled.
She bloody smiled.
And she pulled him into her just like they were embracing now and told him that she loved
him dearly.
Her kindness was insurmountable.
He hadn’t known anyone to be so understanding other than the Marauders
He wanted to relish in it for as long as he could because it could be fleeting.
It usually was.
“James wouldn’t give up on you.”
He saw her smile flicker back down and he released a heavy sigh.
“I don’t think feelings as strong as the ones he had would just go away.”
She had averted her eyes from his gaze and he let his hands lift her chin to meet him again
“Take your own advice and tell him.”
He could see her red puffy eyes from the glow emitted by the fireplace
They had looked swollen when he first came down and now it was worse.
She pulled the sleeve of her jumper to wipe the streaks running down her cheeks away again.
“It’s different, you know it is. I broke it, whatever it was, whatever it may have been. I broke
Remus nodded solemnly.
They had had this conversation so many times
But this one felt so final.
He wanted to shake Lily, shake himself
Tell her that that they shouldn’t be so pessimistic.
But then the doubt crawled up his shoulder and whispered in his ear before he could plea with
her to throw that rationale away.
Love is never careful why should we be?
Because that’s who we are.
The cautious ones, the ones afraid to let the world seep in because what good did they deserve
in a world that hated who they were?
Lily eased back against him as the silence ensued
Their arms were pressed into one another, her head dropped against his shoulder as they stared
into the fire together.
They were watching the embers die, lost in their own minds, in their own thoughts.
This was how it went with them.
Lily trying to squeeze out every ounce of compassion, Remus every ounce of hope
But they just seemed to keep leaving each other in the same place as they were before.
She knew what it was like to be cast out, to be looked down upon simply for the blood that ran
threw her veins.
Just as he did.
So here they were, both stuck in their heads with their hands clutching at their hearts.
“I think you’re wrong Lily.”
Remus could feel her muscles tense next to him as her voice croaked out
“I don’t deserve it Remus. Maybe then I did … But now …”
They were pulled from their raging thoughts when the familiar creek of the portrait hole’s
hinges rang.
Normally they would jump apart
A great need to run back to bed before they were met with tousled hair, untucked shirts and
the faint remains of lipstick down jawlines.
But Remus hadn’t even felt Lily twitch.
Her head stayed on him, her eyes as dull and grey as his own.
Remus flicked his eyes to the left as the two darkened yet familiar figures approached
And although he could hear Sirius before he could see him, once his disheveled appearance
came into view he could feel his heart drop.
“Moony is that you?”
He tilted his head slightly as James sounded
“And Evans … again?”
The pair walked towards them
Lily still calmly resting against him as the boys approached.
Remus continued watching them as they came into the glow of the fire
And he was right
Their shirts were clearly untucked, a few buttons undone and their hair equally as ruffled as
though someone had repeatedly run their fingers threw.
Remus clenched his jaw at the thought, Lily just kept her eyes on the fire.
James spoke in a hushed whisper once they were finally before them
“What are you two doing up?”
That was when Lily gently lifted her head from Remus and turned to face him
“Remus was just helping me with some homework. You can go with them up to bed now, I’m
sure you need your sleep.”
He nodded his head slowly, “You sure?”
He watched the smile almost, almost drop from her face but the woman was all too good at
keeping herself under lock and key.
She had it nearly perfected, her ability to hide herself away
She was almost as good as Remus.
“Of course.”
Remus eased himself from the couch to a curious James and Sirius who were glancing at each
other and him with wide, curious eyes.
Remus simply nodded, a curt smile towards them and then a warmer one to Lily before
rounding the couch.
They followed him closely muttering soft goodbyes, her response, if there was one, went
Just as they came to the passage that led to the dormitories Remus spun back, James and Sirius
practically toppling over each other as he did so.
They stood back as he broke through them, “Lily?”
Lily turned around to see him with new tears already glossing over her eyes.
The sight of the two of them already clearly bringing those vivid, jealous fantasies to the
forefront of her mind.
“I heard a muggle saying once, what was it? Something about if you love something set it
Lily’s lip twitched, “And if it loves you it will return, yes, why?”
Remus smiled, “I think it’s a load of rubbish.”
He could see the faint twinkling in her eyes
A silent thank you for whatever he had helped her affirm.
Lily Works Magic
Chapter Summary

Lily works her magic on Sirius to make sure her best friend finds the happiness he's

Chapter Notes


See the end of the chapter for more notes

Her skin feels so warm against the cool bed sheets

Her cheeks are burning
Her eyes rimmed with a redness she has become so accustomed too
But she has forced herself to climb the dorm stairs
To slip into the cozy embrace of her bed
And she’s willing herself to sleep
To dream
To find that meadow of flowers and that huge hill with that beautiful willow
To see her sister’s face when there was still peace
Still love
It’s her happy place, a place not of solemn thought but of childish problems
Like who gets to use to blue crayon and how many hopscotch games can they chalk into the
driveway before mum calls them in
Her eyes feel so heavy and her muscles so tightly wound
The nights where she’s been awake are bleeding together
But she can feel herself drifting away
Can see Tuney on top of the hill
On the swing their father built
And she’s waving her arms to the shining eyes of her sister
But the warmth that it brings Lily morphs
Suddenly it’s not a swing, not a willow, not a hill
Not a calming serene sky
It’s like she’s standing on an endless stone pathway but the rocks are dropping around her
She has no choice but to run forward through darkness
A magnetic pull in her gut the only thing leading her path
And then its searing brightness
And a bright light
It’s dark eyes and tousled hair
A beguiling smile that has her stomach twisting
And her fingers going cold
And it’s like all she can hear around her are Remus’ words around her
They’re ringing in her head over and over
If you love something set it free
And if it loves you it will return
I think it’s a load of rubbish
A load of rubbish
Her eyes flutter open
A weight settling heavy and uncomfortable on her chest
But she isn’t waking in a cold sweat
Or a frustrated growl
There’s simply an irritation under her skin
And a wish for a dreamless potion
And a want for a silent mind
Because she knows until she figures this out
Until she comes to terms with everything spiraling around in her head there will be more
restless nights
More dark, rich, decadent brown eyes
Swallowing her into depths she couldn’t even fathom
But merlin she wants too
And she wants to believe in what Remus has said to her
She wants to push away the doubts that tell her James could never forget
Never forgive
She’s been so heinous and unwavering and stubborn
So monumentally obnoxious and rude
But it makes her so angry because so was he
James was the definition of prat
And their fights were volcanic
She would spit venom and he would spit fire
She thought they were opposites
But now it seems like they’re the sun and the moon
Destined to dance around each other
Destined to feel so close and yet remain so far away all at once
Because it isn’t like that anymore
And its thrown everything inside her completely off balance
They’re friends now
Stuck in this weird space where they’re trying at least
And she hates James for growing up
For proving that although his head will never fully deflate
He’s the most loyal person she knows
And protective
And overbearing
And gentle
And ridiculous
She hates her heart more for deciding to inform her now that James Potter and all that he has
become is sweeping her off her feet
Part of her would like to believe that maybe, just maybe, letting James go isn’t the right answer
after all
That letting him find himself in someone else
Feel something for someone else
All of it is just a mistake
Because it should be her that he slips in beside at breakfast
Her that feels his palm slide against hers when words just aren’t enough
Her that rolls her eyes and blushes a soft pink because the charm coming from his mouth is so
cheesy it’s borderline vomit worthy
But she hesitates
This fear deep inside creating a sinkhole
It’s burying all those warm thoughts and dreamy wishes somewhere she never finds them
Reminding her that trying to keep him might not be the right path either
She shouldn’t want him for the sake of wanting him
She doesn’t want this to be just a flicker of jealousy
The lack of attention getting to her
But most of all
She doesn’t want to hurt him again
And she doesn’t want to be hurt by him
She needs to be sure
So she sits up
The room filled with darkness
Nothing but absolute silence and her cold, numb hands
She’s almost sure these feelings aren’t going anywhere
It’s been months
And the way she looks at James
The way she feels when she does
The way her lips form a smile and her skin tingles
It’s new and frightening but it’s there
Under the armor that has become her skin
And that part of her that craves him wants her to forget herself
Forget that she doesn’t jump out of her comfort zone
That Lily Evans rationalizes and calculates and stands in the shower for hours staring into
oblivion trying to find the right words to say
That part of her just wants him
Finally wants to be okay with wanting him
And that thought lingers as the exhaustion that runs through her body finally takes over
As she finally manages her way under the bed sheets
Feeling nothing more than the heavy weight of how to make herself realize that this time she’s
going to make James Potter trust her with his heart
She’s coming to terms with it
And Remus is making sure she does
With sleep leading her away she can only think of one last thing
Of the first step she wants to take
Of how she is going to make Remus Lupin see that he deserves more than those thoughts that
tell him he deserves this loneliness
The thoughts that come from the bigots and the ignorant around them
The thoughts that make him believe Sirius’ feelings are nothing more than a passing phase
Rather than the mounting affections that Lily has watched grow for nearly six years
So Lily Evans is going to be rational
She is going to be calculated and organized and make all the right moves
And even though she’s dazed from her sleepless nights she’s going to get through this
And she’s going to drag Remus kicking and screaming with her
Because he’s absolutely right
Letting someone you love go because they’ll come back to you if you do is absolute rubbish
Letting someone know you love them because you both deserve just that is an absolute truth

Her thick red hair is curling down her back
And her elbows hit the table a bit harder than she intended
But she’s made it all the way over there before Sirius has a chance to look up
And yet he still always seems to know
‘Evans. What do I owe the pleasure?’
She’s rolling her eyes because his voice is thick with sarcasm
How that god awful sound got confused with charm is beyond her
But she feels a small smile tugging at her lips
Because she knows under all that nonsense Remus saw something
And if Remus saw it than there is most definitely something
‘Just had a question for you.’
He’s still fiddling with his potion
His wand tucked comfortably behind his ear
His eyes have yet to meet hers
‘Ask away love.’
‘How’s Remus?’
There it is
Sirius has flicked his eyes towards her at the mere sound of his name
His hands stopping in their movement
His voice sounds almost worried
But it’s mostly protective that Lily hears
Her eyebrow kinks slightly
Precisely what she wanted to see
‘Told me he hasn’t been sleeping well. Kind of worried me.’
Lily’s watching him intently as she speaks
As the words leave her lips
Because Sirius’ brows furrow
And this cloud seems to fog up his once clear grey eyes
And it’s almost like he wants to chew on the inside of his cheek
A nervous tick she’s only seen a select few times before
But his jaw clenches instead
And the cloud is still there in his eyes
But it’s almost as if he’s realized he’s giving too much away
He turns himself back on
Comes back from wherever he’s delved to in his mind
‘Is that the reason you both were both up so late last night?’
Lily smiles softly
‘I found him by the fire. Seems stressed. Just wanted to make sure one of you knew.’
It’s almost like there’s relief in his gaze as she speaks
Some unanswered question he had bubbling inside him that she’s answered
So he nods his head at the affirmation
And smiles almost uncharacteristically soft
‘I’ll keep an eye on him then. Thanks Lily.’
She nods her head
Her own small smile on her lips
Because he’s used her first name
And he’s let his charm fall away just slightly, just enough
Barely any trace of that previous bravado to be found
She leans back from the table
Praying that Sirius does exactly as she thinks he will
Exactly what she hopes he will
Because sure she needs to figure out her own heart
Needs to get her sleeping schedule back on track
Needs to figure out how to tell James that she’s done mucking him around in a way that
doesn’t slam her pride and her dignity hurling from the Astronomy Tower
But Remus …
Remus needs that heaviness off his shoulders
Remus needs a soft pair of hands and a willing set of ears and an eager smile
Remus needs help mending his heart
And if she can bring him that then helping herself is like the icing on cake

He’s left it until the last minute but he’s finally finished
And he’ll be damned if he lets the library keep him for one more second
Because after what Lily’s said he can’t seem to get Remus out of his head
He’s been drifting from class to class with his eyes fixed on his friend
He’s noticed the slump of his shoulders
And the darkness under his eyes these past few weeks
But he keeps getting swept up in that smile
So much in fact that he’s been getting swept up in other people to keep himself from getting
swept up in that smile
But now he’s angry with himself, angry with Jamie
Because they thought up this plan together
Thought up with whole thing about the importance of moving on
Not just for themselves but for Lily, for Remus
She’s been refusing Jamie forever
And his friendship with Remus means too much
And it’s been six years of endless one-sided pining that James just can’t do anymore
And Sirius can’t pull Remus into his mess when he should be focusing on himself
But in doing so
In pulling back so far they’ve left everything else fall to the wayside
Remus found Lily and Lily found Remus
And its like that jealousy he’s been pushing off his shoulders has a tighter grip than ever before
Why did he go to Lily?
Why didn’t he come to me?
What was wrong?
What was keeping him awake?
There were a million worries and a million questions
But one more important than the rest
One more important than the fire in his chest
And the frustration fogging up his vision
How was he going to help?
Sirius had had his share of sleepless nights
Fears of nightmares forcing him awake
Visions of his mother’s cruel eyes and callous sneer
Green flashes and bouts of the most agonizing pain coursing through his veins
The dark bags under his eyes because he refused to close them for even a second
The pure exhaustion he felt
The overwhelming anxiety that came with the light of the moon
What he had needed when that happened was to feel grounded
To have something, someone to bring him back to reality
Most of the time it was James
Because he had been living with the Potters for some time
Howler after howler following him around
Screaming at him for his disobedience and his insolence
The words ricocheting off every corner of his mind
He would wake up to his own screaming
And James would be there
And those nights were always so calm
A voice just soothing enough to lull him back to sleep
For Sirius to know he wasn’t alone
But there was something so different, so intimate during the nights of pure peace he’d felt at
Peace that came from knowing Remus was near
At first it was the feeling of his hand rubbing circles into his back
He would focus on Remus’ breathing and just drift
Then it was the soft words
And Sirius wasn’t even sure what he was saying but his voice
He could have listened for hours at the barely audible whisper of Remus in his ear and the
feeling of his heart beating
So he knew, he knew
There was something there
Something that would always be there
And Remus must know
And Remus must need that too now
When Sirius had finally made it back to the dorm
When the fire had died and the torches were barely lit
He’d made his way up the stairwell and quietly thrown his bag on his bed
He spoke quietly knowing that James and Peter were already long since passed out
He was standing outside Remus’ curtains
And he couldn’t hear the familiar hum of his breathing
The one thing that would signal he was actually asleep
But Remus didn’t answer either
So he gripped the curtain and tugged slightly
A pair of amber coloured eyes meeting his instantly
Sirius choked the words back that he wanted to say
Let his speech die in his mind
Words that meant nothing
Words that never came out the way Sirius needed them too
So he tore his shirt from his skin
His eyes focused on Remus’
Then he his fingers fumble at the button of his jeans
Leaving him in nothing but his boxers
He could feel a nervousness crawling over his skin
He was wary of the intimacy being so near to Remus brought
Because they hadn’t even spoken about it
The spark that erupted in the pit of his stomach
The tightening of his chest
Sirius hadn’t ever mentioned the longing he felt when Remus was too far
And lately he always felt too far
But every moment with Remus
Ever bond of friendship newly strengthened just seemed to solidify the distance between them
The distance from ever being more than just that
But he lifted the covers and crawled in anyway
Because this was his best mate ad he deserved so much more than Sirius’ pathetic pinning
He could hear Remus swallow hard as soon as the mattress dipped
His body rigid next to him
Sirius was lying on his side, Remus flat on his back
His eyes fixed on the roof of his bed
Sirius reached forward under the covers slowly but surely until he found the familiar warmth
of Remus’ hands curved into fists
He wrapped his fingers around Remus’ wrist
Smoothing his thumb across the skin there
Feeling the tension melt away with every passing minute
Their chests rising and falling in tune with one another
The silence around them deafening and comforting all at once

Chapter End Notes
Sirius and Remus
Chapter Summary

Sirius finally gets his act together. And Remus lets him.

Chapter Notes


See the end of the chapter for more notes

He watched Remus’ face turn to him

Those amber eyes a dull, tired gold
He could feel Remus’ muscles tense, his eyes narrowing at Sirius
A look that reads as confused
A look that shows Sirius he’s taking this a completely different direction than Remus
‘You know … for being so distant, for all the late nights. I-I haven’t been a good mate and I
know that.’
Remus’ voice cracks as he speaks
It’s raspy like his throat is thick with sand
Like he’s been laying in his bed for hours letting his mouth parch and his body become sore
and his thoughts wrestle
Just swarmed by whatever he isn’t telling him
‘Sirius …’
But Sirius doesn’t want to hear it
He knows Remus
He knows whatever is coming is what Remus thinks he should say
And not what he really wants to say
‘No really Moony I should have realized sooner that all those distractions would catch up to
Remus stifles his words
Whatever was coming falling away because he’s utterly perplexed
‘Y-yeah. That’s all it really was. All they really were. I mean, you know, I tried to make it
something more but-but it just didn’t feel like anything …’
Sirius knows he’s babbling
And that his ideas aren’t coherent
And that he’s dancing around the thoughts he needs to say
That he’s making it about himself
But how do you go through the day thinking that you’ve created this rift
That you’ve pushed your best mate so far they hid themselves from you
Thinking the words sorry I’ve been an utter idiot for trying to move on from something we
never had because I didn’t want to ruin anything we already did
How do you not admit the thing you’ve been biting your tongue on for years in a moment like
this when you’re being consumed by it?
When you’re overwhelmed by the pure vulnerability and weakness that brought you here
The inescapable notion that after speaking with Evans he would have always come here
Despite the heart racing jumbled thoughts that are sputtering from his lips
That are obviously confusing Remus
Obviously confusing him
‘It doesn’t matter. What matters is this and us and you. I’m sorry for being such a prat you felt
like you couldn’t talk to me.’
It doesn’t seem that Remus has caught on to whatever he’s been trying to say
Or trying to avoid saying
‘It wasn’t about that Pads.’
And now Sirius feels his own not so subtle disregard for his best mate’s feelings
Because there he goes assuming it was about him when obviously there is so much more
It’s Remus after all
The man over analyzes and takes his time and stares vacantly into space when he’s got
something to think through
He’s everything Sirius isn’t and it’s what Sirius envies most
Because Remus never jumps in unprepared
He never takes a step without imaging the consequence
Never feels like he’s put his foot in his mouth like Sirius feels he just did
‘You didn’t go talk to Evans because I was being a right tosser?’
Remus pauses for a moment
An intake of breath followed by the rise and fall of his chest
And now Sirius knows he should ask why
Should delve into those thoughts that have been heavy on his back all day
That have clearly been heavy on Remus
Questions about what’s keeping Remus awake
What he can’t seem to let go of and find peace
But his skin prickles
Because he’s the one whose dealt with this
Who sought comfort in Remus when the night felt like it was driving him to the point of
When the loss of the sun meant the loss of laughter, meant his friends have gone to sleep
Meant he was left with the demons that crawled out from underneath his bed
And from inside his head
But Remus didn’t find him
Didn’t find comfort in him
‘Well then why didn’t you come to me Rem? If you had just told me I would have dropped
everything you know? Would have helped you with whatever you needed.’
‘I know but I didn’t want you too.’
Sirius can feel Remus’ muscles tensing more than they already are
His thumb is still tracing patterns into Remus’ skin but it doesn’t seem to be calming him like it
has so many times before
It feels like he’s itching to be released from Sirius’ grip
To move away
To be alone
‘And Lily understands.’
The spark in the pit of his stomach is lit into a raging fire with those words
Sirius takes a deep breath
A pool of frustration and jealousy filling him
He wants to bite his tongue
Take a few calming breaths
Because it’s not about him
It’s about Remus
But he’s always been led by his emotions, always been too brash and too forward
Just like he’s going to be now
‘What and I don’t?’
‘Not in the way I would have needed you too.’
The hair on Sirius’ neck stands on end at Remus’ words
Words so soft and fine and not meant to cause Sirius any harm
But it cuts deep inside him
Because Remus is his .. his Remus, his Moony
Sirius is the one who strokes his fingers through his curls when the moon has been rough
Who reminds Remus that he has to shower
Who tucks him right back into bed when he’s done
That forces him back to the dorm when he nearly drowns in his eggs from the pure exhaustion
of it all
Who pulls him out into the snow when he’s been cooping himself up in the library
Who brings him extra parchment and ink
Who slides his hand over his to show him just how to twist his wrist in Defense when he’s
frustrations are peaking f
Not Lily
‘How could you possibly know that without telling me?’
The silence that ensues is deafening
Because Sirius feels hurt now
And how best to mask hurt but with anger?
Sirius with his hand tightly clasped around Remus’ wrist
His eyes narrowed as Remus closes his own and turns his head back to face the ceiling
His wrist gently pulling away from Sirius
It’s like he’s recoiling and Sirius has no idea why
‘What’s going on?’
His voice comes out so low
He wants it to be harsh and guttural
He wants to pull Remus back in and drag whatever he’s holding back out of him
But he feels so helpless now
His anger just falling away
Because there is this gaping hole between them
And Sirius can only think that it has to be all his fault
For pushing Remus away, for trying to move on in the wrong way at the wrong time
For trying to move on before even trying at all
And he can feel the tears that flow over
That drip down his cheeks
He’s closing his eyes and pulling his lower lip in between his teeth
Tucking his chin close to his chest to hide the hurt that’s written all over his face
To hide the anger that he feels at himself for being so selfish and volatile
For the assumptions he’s made that makes him feel he never really took into account Remus at
He wants to tell him how sorry he is for whatever is going on
For the space he feels he’s created that makes Remus feel unsafe or insecure
That made him reach out for Lily
‘It’s just … Sirius? Siri …’
He can feel the mattress as it rustles underneath him again and his body dips closer towards
A cold hand is cradling his cheek, lifting his chin
A thumb padding at the tears
He can feel Remus’ warm breath on his face
And when he opens his eyes the amber colour in front of him, the closeness knocks the breath
right out of him
He brings his own hand up to rest on Remus’
‘M’sorry. I-I- dunno why m’crying. Dunno why I pushed. And you felt me doing that. And I-
I just didn’t know how to deal with it.’
‘Deal with what?’
Remus sounds so concerned
And so confused
And Sirius hates himself that he’s brought them here
That’s he’s crying in Remus’ arms when maybe it should be the other way around
But the years leading up to this, the last few months
And the battle that’s been waged in his head it’s too much
He never thought it would hurt this badly to feel Remus pull away too
And he regrets everything, every idea him and James ever had
Every move he made that made Remus feel this kind of pain
If Remus even felt this way at all
‘With-with you know, with …’
‘Pads what are you talking about?’
‘This. Us. You and me. I can feel it there all the time and it’s like it’s burning a hole and I-I
didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. So I pulled and now you’ve pushed and-
and … Can’t you feel that?’
It’s like Remus’ eyes are liquid gold as they open wide
And at this distance Sirius can see the way Remus’ lips part slightly
And Remus’ thumb has stopped rubbing along his cheek bone
He can feel the heat warming his fast as he realizes what he’s admitted
What Remus is probably putting together in his head
But his shoulders feel light
And he hopes, he prays, that Remus feels that weightlessness too
‘That’s why you’ve been off with all them? Because of this? Because of me?’
Sirius barely nods
His teeth biting much harder into his lower lip
‘Me too …
With Evans I mean.’
Sirius furrows his brows
A confusion settling there that he knows Remus needs to explain
‘I couldn’t be here … alone … knowing you were out there. The thought, merlin the thought
Sirius. I-well I just … And Lily, Lily understands that.’
And then it clicks
A jagged puzzle with edges now smoothed out fitting so neatly together Sirius can’t believe
he’s never seen it before
But then again he’s always been so easily caught up in his own head that seeing the bigger
picture is practically impossible
He thinks back to the moments him and James stumbled through the portrait hole
The thought that that hole in his chest was finally closing
That maybe he could tuck whatever has been rumbling inside him for Remus away
And then the feeling of everything crashing down around him
Because there they were
Curled up by the fire
Their heads resting together, their hands intertwined
Sirius would never forget the ache, that dangerously low feeling that practically toppled him
over when it hit him
‘You feel it then? Feel this?’
Sirius is placing Remus’ hand on his chest
His heart is raging in his own
Because of their proximity and the words on Remus’ lips and the words still on his own
He knows Remus is blushing by the way he speaks
‘Y-yeah I feel it. Have for some time.’
Some time
Some time
It’s all the words he needs to lean his face towards Remus
To brush their noses together
To run his hand up and feel Remus’ jaw
Their lips brush
Their knees knocking together
Remus’ jutted hip bone pressing into Sirius’ thigh
There’s barely any pressure when their lips touch
It’s not needy or hungry
It’s an affirmation
Something sweet and soft and just enough for right now
‘I should thank that brilliant redhead’
Their faces are still so close
Remus’ fingers moving hesitantly across the planes of Sirius’ chest
Sirius is brushing his nose gently against Remus’ skin
Inhaling a mixture of chocolate and chamomile that is just so him
His thumb brushing Remus’ lips
His fingers dancing along the freckles that slope down his jaw
‘And why’s that?’
Remus’ can feel the beating of Sirius’ heart is a rhythm he wants to memorize
‘She told me you needed me. I just didn’t think this was what she meant.’
He’s lost in thought when he hears those words
And then he looks up to catch Sirius gazing at him
‘What? When?’
‘Potions. Said she was worried about you. Something about your sleeping. Probably knew I
would come find you.’
Remus’ eyes are wide
And all he can think is Lily how dare you
And Lily thank merlin for you
Because now he’s here laying in his bed with Sirius wound up around him
And at the same time it’s painful
He’s trying to keep the doubts at bays
Keep the anxieties rising in his mind down
How will this work?
How could this ever work?
Sirius is immediately explosive and overly flirtatious and so unbelievably possessive
Whereas Remus can’t help but be introverted and drives himself past the point of stubborn and
his anger is practically volcanic
But Sirius is also everything he needs
Because his heart never wavers
And he always knows just what to say, knows just when to say it
And that means so much more
He just wants to be here for a moment
Because even if it doesn’t work, even if they shatter it into a million pieces
Won’t it be worth it?
Isn’t the feeling that’s running through his whole body, isn’t that look on Sirius’ face worth it?
Remus lets the tension wound up in his muscles fall away
The corner of his lip curving ever so slightly as Sirius continues to trace his lips
As Sirius’ eyes roam his face
Watching him as the gears of his anxiety stop turning in his mind
Remus focuses his eyes back on him
Staring into Sirius’ eyes
Because right now they’re this beautiful rare silver colour
And it knocks him right out of his head
It’s a colour that Remus has only seen a few times before
Times when Sirius was so completely elated, so utterly mended
Like when the Potter’s called him their son
Like when Regulus had cornered him to say goodbye, to tell him that family comes before
blood no matter what he does in this life
And it sends a shiver through Remus’ entire body to have Sirius looking at him like that
Finally looking at him like that
‘I should thank her too then’

Chapter End Notes
Lily and James
Chapter Summary

Lily finds her happiness, but it's like pulling teeth at first, like everything is with James

Chapter Notes


See the end of the chapter for more notes

The couch feels hard against her back

Not the normal pillowy softness that she can slump against
But then again so does the carpet she’s sitting on
There is no comfort in this spot
And she knows it’s not because of the place
It’s because the inside of her body is knotted and twisted
Her muscles feel tight
It’s hard to move, hard to breathe
This air of tension just seems to follow her
Getting worse by the day
But she’s trying to let it melt away
Her feet are outstretched towards the blazing fire
And she’s staring at it again just like she always does
Not even bothering to pretend that she’s doing homework this time
She has to think
She has to dedicate tonight to not avoiding her head
Because she deserves that much
And so does James
And because she knows her friends have been worried
Knows they have been trying not to pry
Knows that they been trying to make whatever she’s going through easier by restocking her
ink and making her bed and leaving her hot cups of tea
And she appreciates them so much for the care they’ve put in
For the soft words they’ve used to smooth out her rough edges
And she’ll thank them, she will
She just needs to focus on her breathing right now
Focus on herself right now
Because Remus hasn’t come down these past few nights
He’s seemed less hollow
With that beautiful dimple returning to its spot on his cheek
He’s seemed less hurt
And the sound of soft laughter that she has so missed in the back of class
He’s less like her
And it makes her happy
And it makes her want that
Because Sirius is different too
He hasn’t been disappearing at all hours of the night
He’s got this new look in his eye
This new colour
Like he’s seeing the world through a completely different lens
And his back is straighter
And that charm so slick on his tongue seems to remain there
She knows something has happened
Knows that it’s still running its course
That she has done all she can and has to back away now
Has to let her friends find their way to each other
Whether through pulling hair and ragged teeth or gentle fingers and tender glances
She has to let them …
She has to let herself
Because it’s been days since she watched Sirius run his fingers along Remus’ forearm
The way their eyes always find each other
A million thoughts moving between them without even a breath
And just being in the vicinity of them makes her feel strangely light
And it makes her even more angry at herself than she was before
Even more disappointed that the calm, calculated Lily Evans has lost her marbles
This silly boy … this .. this charming man flip her on her head
But it’s been days of going over it
And she keeps letting her head get in the way of her day
She’s walked into so many people and walls and tables now because her eyes are glazed over
and she’s telling herself to stop trying to catch his eyes and she can’t count the bruises
But sitting in front of the fire
Nothing but the ground beneath her and the silence around her is helping
She knows that what she feels for James is more than jealousy
Or that it could be more
She knows she wants to try
That she wants him to know she wants to try
And she knows most of all
That she wants to apologize
Not for all the things she’s said
Or for pushing him away for so long
Because that James Potter deserved it
He needed to know that she could never trust someone, never love someone who could be so
careless and derisive in everything he did
She wants to apologize for the last few months
The kindness that he’s been offering
The friendship he’s worked so hard to have
The way she’s been rolling it off her back
And he was so hurt that day
She could see it in the darkness of his eyes and the clench of his jaw
Hurt because he didn’t understand yet what she wanted
Why she was being the way she was
Why she was pushing
Didn’t understand that her heart was mixing up her brain and fogging up her emotions and
making her someone she has never wanted to be
But then she hears the familiar swing of the portrait hole
The sound of cheery well wishes for a good evening
And all those thoughts fall away because there’s James
That soft smile that rises when he realizes she’s there
She’s the only one there
But then he walks into the soft glow of the fire
And she can see his tie is undone, his shirt is untucked, his hair is wilder than usual
And she wants to knock her knuckles into his jaw
Wants to slap herself
Because the jealousy rising inside her is all the more frustrating
And exhausting
She just wants this to be easy
Just wants to say the words and curl under her bed sheets where no looks of rejection or
laughter can pierce her skin
But this is James
And it’s never been easy
‘Lily flower.’
That smile on his lips has her reeling
His head tilts to the side, that smile now a smirk
‘Come on Lils we were doing so well.’
He slips down next to her, their thighs nearly touching, their shoulders ever so slightly resting
together now
‘How’ve you been?
‘Wonderful. Yourself?’
‘Oh superb Lils, just superb.’
There is something about being around James Potter that just causes sarcasm to flood from her
An uncontrollable urge to put the walls back up that she’s spent all day trying to tear down
And with him looking like that she can’t seem to stop herself
‘I can tell. The outfit, the hair. Must have had a lovely evening. Who was it this time?’
Lily’s eyes are narrowed on the fire
Her arms crossed over her chest, her fingers gripping tightly into her bicep
Her nails painful against her skin
James seems surprised, nothing but a small snort leaves him
‘Who was what?’
‘The person obviously. The one who’s got you looking like this.’
‘I’ve no idea what you’re on about Evans. There’s no one.’
‘Oh what you snogged yourself then?’
James’ eyes are boring into the side of her face
And her cheeks feel like they’ve been lit on fire
‘I haven’t snogged anybody!’
‘Whatever you say Potter.’
‘You’re one to talk Evans.’
Lily turns to face him at his words
‘Excuse me?’
James’ eyes are wide and dark
His brows furrowed in anger and utter disbelief
A look she has seen a thousand times before
A look that has left her cheeks stained with tears
A look that has left her chest sore
‘Oh so you and Remus haven’t been cozying up on this couch the past few weeks? It’s like
very time I turn my back you’re practically in his bloody lap!’
His voice is raising
But he’s speaking through his teeth because his jaw has gritted
‘What! You know, coming from James I-snog-everything-with-a-pair-of-legs Potter that means
nothing. Got your next several Hogsmead dates set up I’m sure.’
‘Why would it even matter to you? You’ll probably end up right here with Remus anyway!’
Lily is standing now
And so is James
And she doesn’t know when they did that
Or why they’re so close
But she’s losing control and everything she wanted to say, every conversation they could have
had has disappeared
‘You’re right I probably will after walking into the Three Broomsticks and seeing you and
Sirius with your tongues stuffed into someone’s mouths!’
She knows she’s always been hot tempered
And she doesn’t know what it is that James brings out in her
But her palms are sweating
And the words coming out of her mouth are unstoppable
She just wants to make him leave
Just wants to get away
‘Sirius? What’s Sirius got to do with this?’
But he’s pulling her right back in
Asking all the right questions to get all the answers she doesn’t want to give
She’s trying to turn away
Trying to make it to the safety of her dorm, the safety of a silencing charm
But James catches her wrist and she’s spinning back towards him
‘Don’t back away from me now Evans. You’re never one to give up in a fight.’
‘It’s not important! It doesn’t matter!’
Hot tears are spilling down her cheeks
And she’s flustered by the yelling
And how much she doesn’t want to be yelling
How much she wishes she could just turn her emotions off
‘Course it matters! Obviously something more is going on here than you and my best mate
snogging behind my back.’
Lily can’t believe the words coming from James
The assumptions
Her and Remus have always been close
Always been so similar
But how doesn’t he know
How doesn’t he see the look on her face when he makes her laugh
Or see her turning to speak with Marlene because she can perfectly see him
Hasn’t he noticed that she’s been trying so hard to keep her guard down
That she’s failing so miserably at that right now because of how close he is to knowing the
‘Snogging! Are you bloody insane! Remus and I are nothing more than friends you absolute
‘Oh excuse me for assuming that your three in the morning meetings were actually for
homework like you said they were!’
His hand is still on her wrist
And she knows he can feel the heavy beating of her pulse
‘They weren’t for either!’
It’s getting quicker the more they talk
The closer he gets to her
To knowing
‘Well what were they for then!?’
‘None of your business James, merlin you can be insufferable!’
‘Of course it’s my business! You two should at least have the courtesy to tell me!’
‘Nothing is going on between us!’
Her lower lip catches between her teeth as she quiets herself
And she rubs the back of her hand on her cheeks to wipe the tears
She feels herself coming to the truth that she’s buried
That Remus tried to pry from her so long ago
Her voice quiets and her throat tightens
‘We-we’ve … we’ve just got the same problem and he’s been trying to help me figure it out.’
But James is still heated
His voice is lowering too but the look in his eye is wild
It’s a look Lily used to yearn for
To know she could push his buttons as fast as he pushed hers was thrilling
But now it hurts
Because she doesn’t want this anymore
She wants the Lily that’s so comfortable being herself around a James Potter that makes her
heart race
‘Oh a problem you say? And what problem could be so important that he can’t come to me or
Pads? And you can’t go to Marlene or Dorcas?’
‘Stop it!’
She’s yanking her wrist from his grasp because her thoughts aren’t reaching her mouth in time
And she just needs to say it, just needs a moment
But James has always been as stubborn as her
Always been as fiery
‘Fine. Run. Just like you always do when it comes to me!’
When it comes to me
She turns back to look at him and the anger has fallen
There’s nothing left but that same look from that same day
The one that feels so painful so see
So painful because this conversation is so out of control
And ten minutes ago she was ready to pour her heart and soul out
Ready to admit to everything
Ready to apologize
‘You really want to know? You really want me to tell you why we’ve been down here?’
‘Merlin yes Lil, that’s what I’ve been bloody asking you!’
‘Sorting you out!’
‘Sorting out- sorting out me? What?’
James seems taken aback
And his eyes narrow at her
‘Yeah sorting out my head when it comes to you.’
‘What does that even mean?’
‘It means ..
Well it means ..
It means I think I’m bloody in love with you, you- you ridiculous- you … ’
Lily feels her eyes prickling again
And she catches the red carpet beneath her feet rather than his eyes
And she can taste the words coming out of her mouth
Knows they need to be said
But she doesn’t even want to hear herself say them
Doesn’t even want to know what James will say
‘With your stupid hair and that god-awful smile and-and the way you look at me …
We talk and its incredible and there are so many moments where I just want to tell you, where
I was so close to telling you but-but you’d moved on. You’re out there snogging half our year
and I hate it’
‘You …
You love me’
James sounds astonished
But her eyes are still on the ground
Embarrassment and fear washing over her all at once
‘That’s what I said’
‘You love me?’
‘Yes Potter get it through your head.’
‘I love you.’
Lily tears her eyes from the carpet and sees his face
His eyes are soft and warm like melted chocolate
And his cheeks are pink
But his smile is there
The one that gives her that swooping feeling
But she’s just as surprised as he sounded
‘I love you. Always have, always will. Told you that ages ago didn’t I?’
Lily can’t believe what she’s hearing
Because she thought she’d broken it, broken them
Thought he could never forgive her for shredding his already broken heart
But he’s standing here with his hand wrapped around her wrist saying all the words she’s
wished and dreamed and hoped he’d say
‘Yes but…‘
‘But nothing. It’s you, it’s always been you. I don’t want those other people. All I wanted was
to move on. I thought you hated me and it was literally killing me and then we were friends.
And oh god us being friends, Lil that’s been amazing. But-
Say it again. I need you to say it again.’
She slips her hand out of his grasp to intertwine their fingers
And takes a step forward as the worry falls away
As she berates herself for ever believing that this was anything less than what she thought it
Because that look in his face and that feeling he gives her is everything
‘I love you’
James raises his free hand to brush her curls behind her shoulder
‘I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear you say that …’
Their noses are brushing
‘And I think I could live out the rest of it completely happy if I heard nothing else.’
Their lips barely touching
And Lily can feel laughter bubbling inside her
Because James says the most over-the-top things
But he has always given her everything he could give
Even when he took a step back
Even when he gave her the space she needed
And it was driving him mad inside
It was all for her
It was all because of her
And when their noses brush
When she realizes how comfortably their palms fit together
It’s like all the agonizing days of thinking melt away
James is touching the corner of her jaw as his eyes roam her face
The glow from the fire making the moment so calm
Quelling the heavy pattering of Lily’s heart
And she realizes that sure James Potter wears his heart on his sleeve
And he says what he’s thinking even if its too soon
Even if its scary
Even if they’re this young and this feels too real and her walls fly back up
But yeah, Lily smiles as James leans forward
She could be completely happy if she heard nothing else too

Chapter End Notes
Chapter Summary

"She wants to tell him that she saw him through rose-coloured glasses. That she didn’t
know when it started but it had yet to stop. That she wants him next to her. Always.
Whether it’s in her bed. With his clothes making friends with her floor."

"And Remus wants to tell him that even though sometimes it feels like he’s been
engulfed in his own black hole. That gravity has caused him to collapse in on himself.
He will always find his way back to him."

Chapter Notes

This is the end fluff you were looking for.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

There are so many things she wants to tell him

So many things running through her mind as they sit there on the couch in the common room
His eyes are glued to a book
And there’s this quill he’s fiddling with in his right hand
And she’s trying to read
But all she can feel is the way the fingers of his left hand dance along her leg
The way they graze the skin slightly
Moving back and forth so softy, so rhythmically, it’s like they’re barely moving at all
But she can feel herself pointing her toes as if arching her leg into his touch
It’s only felt like a few moments since that night in front of the fireplace
That night where she’d yelled and pushed and tried to run
That night where she couldn’t remember the taste of his kiss
But she still hadn’t gotten rid of the burning sensation on her skin
The way her waist was still on fire from where his grip held her
And his hand wrapped in her hair
They had decided to keep it quiet
For as long as they possibly could before the ruckus started
Before the school erupted into gossip and chatter
And it was nice
To have moments like this
Snap shots between no one else but them
When all Lily had to do was glance up from her book and get caught up in James Potter
In his unruly mess of tousled locks
In his deep chocolate eyes
In his calloused palms and defined jaw and hunched shoulders
In the way his smirk caused him to raise a single eyebrow
And his laugh made him throw his head back
She wants to tell him that she saw him through rose-coloured glasses
That she didn’t know when it started but it had yet to stop
That she wants him next to her
Whether it’s in her bed
With his clothes making friends with her floor
She wants to love him so hard, love him so much that the neighbours wake
She wants to tell him that she loves to kiss him when he’s laughing
Because there is no better taste than his laughter in her mouth
She wants to tell him that when she looks at him
When she sees his face start to glow as their eyes lock
That maybe, just maybe, God does exist
Even if just for those few seconds as his features become light
But more than that
She wants to tell him that she goes through these phases
That some days she feels like the person she is
Other days like the person she’s supposed to be
But sometimes, more often than not, she’s no one at all
There is her and there is her silhouette
And her bed is more home than her body
But now, right now
Despite all her darkened lines and rough edges and shaded canvas
There he is like a beacon
A mug of tea grasped in his hands
A soft smile permanently etched into his skin
He’s more than just a breath of fresh air when she’s stuck feeling hollow
He’s like walking outside in nothing but a t-shirt when snow is falling and wind is blowing
Or when thunder is raging and rain is pouring
When your skin is shocked and nature is screaming Here I Am
But somehow still it’s like he’s taken the ice from her veins
Like he has taken up a space in the hole in her heart
A space he now calls home
And she wants to tell him that there are few things in this universe to look forward too
Few things that have lit her up in the year since she lost her parents
Since that letter sealed her fate
She wants to tell him that she used to see magic in the way the sky turned every shade of pink
in summer
In the way that sparks flew from the tips of her fingers
In the way mountains seemed to moved and flowers bloomed and the tide came in
And she lost it all
She lost it in the darkness and the dread
But James
Oh god
James is so beautiful it hurts
She’s drowning in the endless caramel of his eyes
In their loveliness, their warmth, their depth
Her heart stops dead when he lifts his gaze
And she can’t find the words to say it because she is so entirely lost in him
‘I love you’
But then again
Maybe that’s all the words she needs
His fingers stop their dance on her leg
And his face flicks towards her almost instantaneously
No hesitation, no fear
‘I love you’
She repeats it steadily, more assuredly
Because she means it
She really does
Their love has always been like the rain pattering against the window panes
Sometimes torrential flooding and downpours
Sometimes soft and light and cool on your skin
‘I love you too’

Remus has never been easy to love

Never let himself be easy to love
Out of fear, out of shame, out of guilt
But Sirius crashed through his walls like a raging bull
And now … well now …
Each night before his tired eyes carry him off
Sirius lays in front of him
His fingers brushing the golden curls from Remus’ face
Their legs intertwining
The warmth of their skin mingling beneath the sheets of Remus’ bed
And Sirius lets things fall from his lips that cause Remus’ cheeks to burn
‘If you were music Moons I’d listen to you endlessly’
And Remus tries to roll away
‘Your kiss always leaves me breathless but I’ll always take one more’
Is what Sirius whispers to his hidden face
‘You know Moons, I don’t think I can recall if I fell for you the first moment I saw you, or if it
was the second or third or four. But somehow, at some point, every time I started to look at
you the rest of the world seemed to vanish’
And Remus is kissing him because that’s all he thinks he needs
All he can think to tell Sirius he feels the same before Sirius’ fingers fall limp and his breathing
And every night it’s the same
Remus barely able to fall asleep because he just wants to stare at that face for a few moments
That’s when he can think
That’s when everything he wants to say appears in his mind
And what he wants to do first is apologize
Because he knows he’s difficult to love
And he knows his heart is shy
That he goes through dark periods like the moon and tries to hid himself
But he wants to promise Sirius, promise him that even when his muscles are torn and his heart
heavy he’ll kiss Sirius’ every wound
Even the ones that decorate his soul
Then he’ll pick himself up
Wash away the ache in his own bones
And brush his lips against Sirius’ skin
Soft like the petals on a rose
And he’ll take Sirius to a river
Take him to remind him that there is still beauty in things out of your control
And when their dark periods flow together
Remus will take him to endless fields of green
Take him to breathe with the waving of the grass as the wind blows through it
And they’ll lay there until the dark engulfs them
Until the night is bright again and they’ll stare into the sky
The stars will remind them there is beauty in burning
Beauty in the unknown
That they aren’t so lost
That it’s okay that some things are too vast to ever grasp
But after the apology leaves his lips
After he wraps Sirius in his arms and makes him realize he’s okay
That he’s still okay when he’s not
All Remus can think of is the rush that is Sirius Black
The way he electrifies his skin
The way he is a star unto himself
Bright and fiery and eternal
It’s in the wistful glances Sirius gives him
And the sultry winks and the quick fingers and the strong jaw
Remus doesn’t know how he ever got so lucky
How he could have been ever so blessed
And Remus wants to tell him that even though sometimes it feels like he’s been engulfed in his
own black hole
That gravity has caused him to collapse in on himself
He will always find his way back to him
That the days and weeks that he thought he had lost
Are nothing to the seconds and minutes he spends with Sirius
Because Sirius is deserving of being loved that much
Because Sirius is worth a love that never runs shallow
A love whose roots surpass that of a great oak
Whose depths you can never touch no matter how far down you swim
And even though there is no signed contract, no guarantees that they won’t break, no promises
strong enough someone cannot leave
Remus wants him
And wants to tell him
Wants his eyes to be open as he whispers these things into his dark curls
As his fingers lay on the back of his neck
As Sirius’ shallow breathing can be felt on his naked chest
‘One day I’ll say this’
‘One day the sun will be shining on the both of us and I’ll stare into those silver eyes and tell
you that when I kiss you I don’t even know how I’m able to stop. That you seeing the scars
that line my body, that line my soul, as cracks to place your love is overwhelming. That my
heart beats a little faster the days that we’re together. That I fall in love with you all over again
every time I wake up and feel you pressed against me.’
‘One day Pads … I promise’
And he lets himself melt into him
Not realizing that Sirius is awake as his breathing slows, as his heart beat calms
Not realizing that there are tears running down Sirius’ cheeks
Because Remus Lupin may think he is the broken window
But Sirius knows that he is the light that still shines through the shattered glass to illuminate the
dark room
That Remus may not be his entire source of happiness
But god he comes so close
James knows something has been happening
Knows what it sounds like when the springs of Sirius’ mattress crunch as he leaves the bed
Knows what the pattering of bare feet across a hard wood floor sound like when there is
nothing but darkness and silence
Knows what it sounds like when you leave long, drawn out, breathless kisses on someone’s
And he’s been waiting for it
That’s what he tells Lily anyway
And her eyes light up
And he’s wondering why she has that look on her face
But instead of asking, instead of hearing her answer
She stands from the couch with her palm outstretched
He takes it willingly, knowing that Lily Evans always has a purpose, always has a meaning
And he lets her trail him to the stairs of his dormitory
Lets her lead him to the top and push open the door
Her eyes flicker back to him and then flicker forward
Her hand tightening around his
‘Remus … Sirius’
James sees them
They’re standing close
And their faces are but inches apart before they turn to the door
Sirius’ hands wrapped up in Remus’
Just as his is wrapped up in Lily’s
They speak almost simultaneously
And Lily smiles
And pulls James closer to her
She looks up at him with her lovely emerald green eyes
And turns back to Remus
Who looks almost like he’s glowing
‘I didn’t set it free after all’
And Remus breaks into a smile
And James doesn’t understand what’s happening
And he can see as Sirius’ brow furrows neither does he
But Remus responds, soft and gentle
‘You were right. I am happy

Chapter End Notes

End Notes

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