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MICHAEL’S OFFICE - DAY - D1 A HISPANIC TECHNICIAN makes a final adjustment on the phone as MICHAEL looks on. TECHNICIAN You’re all set. MICHAEL Excelente! Muy bien! it up and talk? MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL I have installed loudspeakers around the building so that I can more effectively manage my employees from within my office. (justifying it) It’s a productivity thing. INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - DAY - D1 Michael picks up the phone. INT. OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Michael’s voice comes booming from every direction. MICHAEL (over speaker) Attention employees. working! So I just pick
Michael looks pleased with the result. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL As a manager, my job is to keep all of my subordinates concentrating on their tasks. (as if forced to admit it) They don’t necessarily have the focus that I do. INT. KITCHEN - DAY - D1 KEVIN is about to put a bagel into his mouth.
MICHAEL (over speaker, in a deep “God” voice) Kevin! Have you finished that report yet? Kevin looks towards Michael’s office and the camera finds Michael, on his phone, peeking through the blinds. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (over speaker) You probably don’t need the calories anyway. Just looking out for ya. INT. OFFICE - STANLEY’S DESK - D1 STANLEY is filling out a crossword puzzle. MICHAEL (over speaker) Hey Stanley, 7 down is “Getbacktowork!” Michael laughs at his own joke and looks at the camera for approval. Stanley gives a look towards Michael’s office and goes back to the puzzle. INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Michael hangs up the phone. MICHAEL (not sure what to do now) All right...mission...accomplished. INT. OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS The camera PANS off Michael closing his blinds and finds PAM with a “what was that?” look on her face, and then RACKS to JIM who answers with an “I have no idea” look. A beat while everyone continues to work. The silence is broken by the sound of a phone dialing, then ringing over the loudspeakers. DOCTOR (phone over speaker) Dr. Hubbard. MICHAEL (over speaker) Dr. Hubbard, hi it’s Michael Scott again.
DOCTOR (phone over speaker) How did you get my cell phone number? MICHAEL Ahh, you know what? I thought you gave it to me, but -DOCTOR No, I didn’t give it to you. MICHAEL Really, I’m pretty sure you did -DOCTOR Mr. Scott, look... Like my office told you, I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to write you a prescription unless you actually have a medical problem. Uh huh. MICHAEL
DOCTOR (spelling it out) So unless you are having problems staying erect during sexual intercourse... As the phone call blares over the speakers in the office, the workers look around, confusion at first quickly turning into muffled amusement. DWIGHT realizes what is happening and looks concerned for his boss, unsure of what to do. INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Unbeknownst to Michael, the camera peeks through an opening in the blinds. MICHAEL Well I haven’t had any complaints from the ladies if that’s what you’re getting at, but my friend said that just a little pill before the (hushed) dirty deed (bad British accent) “turns it up to eleven.” Silence.
DOCTOR I’m not prescribing Viagara for your recreational use. INT. OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS By now everyone is really amused, snickering and looking at each other. MICHAEL (over speaker, hushed) Well I just thought it could take something that’s already great, and make it... super great. Everyone now bursts out laughing, the whole room roars. INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Michael can hear the laughter, gets up, and opens the door to figure out what all the fuss is about. MICHAEL Sorry Doc, can you hold on a sec? Sure. DOCTOR
As he says this, he hears himself (and the doctor) over the loudspeakers, and realizes what has happened. Trying to play it cool, Michael looks in Pam’s direction. But not before catching the camera with his eye, realizing this is all on tape. MICHAEL I...uh... (exhales air loudly) I am going to need to see that telephone guy again...as..soon.. as..possible. Pam. He looks back at the group and gives a tight, half smile. MICHAEL (CONT’D) (into the phone, over the speakers -- feedback squeals) Back to work everyone.
DOCTOR (over speaker) Hello? END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. OFFICE - DWIGHT’S DESK - D1 Dwight loudly sharpens pencils and, one by one, puts them into a mug on his desk. Michael approaches. MICHAEL How goes it Señor Dwight? (to camera, amused by himself) Dwight-o de Sales-o! DWIGHT Very busy restocking my selling supplies, Michael. Much like a samurai without his sword, a good salesman is nothing without his sales tools. Another pencil grinds into the sharpener. pretends to walk away. MICHAEL All right, then you’re probably too busy for a mission. Dwight quickly drops the pencil, and jumps up, walking briskly to Michael. DWIGHT (hushed) A mission? I’m available. Meet me in five minutes in the stairwell. Before Michael can object, Dwight runs off. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT As seen in the film “A Beautiful Mind”, CIA operatives often exchange information through a complex set of drop points and encoded messages. But because time is of the essence, Michael and I are just going to meet in the stairwell. INT. STAIRWELL - DAY - D1 Dwight stands facing away from the door as it swings open and Michael enters the stairwell. 6 Michael turns and
MICHAEL Dwight, can we do this in... DWIGHT Don’t face me! Face away, that way we don’t look like we’re together. Michael looks embarrassed to be doing this in front of the camera, but knows it’s worth it to pawn this job off on Dwight. MICHAEL Okay, listen. I need you to do some investigating. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL Corporate called and apparently DunderMifflin got fined for hiring a couple of (doing air quotes) “undocumented workers.” So they want me to recheck everyone working at the Scranton branch. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT As an Honorary Volunteer Corporal in Charge of Assisting with All Things Security here at Dunder-Mifflin, it’s my job to oversee all investigations. Which is fortunate because I’m trained in the art of interrogation. INT. STAIRWELL - DAY - D1 MICHAEL I need you to look into everyone’s backgrounds and make sure that we don’t have any “Martinezes” running around here if you know what I mean. DWIGHT Oscar’s last name is Martinez. Michael -- busted, and caught off guard -- looks at the camera for a moment. MICHAEL Well... that’s a good place to start then. Get to work.
Michael leaves, and the camera finds Dwight in a moment of self-importance. He takes a deep breath and considers his first move. INT. OFFICE - PAM’S DESK - D1 Jim leans on the counter in front of Pam’s desk. JIM Chili’s or Applebee’s? call. It’s your
PAM How about that new TGI Friday’s in the mall? I love their Jack Daniel’s Chicken. Oh, me too! JIM The fried one?
ANGLE ON: Dwight behind the coat rack, writing in his notepad. Noticing that the camera has found him, he comes out of his hiding spot. DWIGHT The chicken will have to wait. will be no lunch today. (louder) Listen up everyone! We are on lockdown until further notice! Everyone exchanges skeptical glances. DWIGHT (CONT’D) Take a look to your left. (no one does) Now your right. One of these people MAY be an illegal immigrant, and therefore unfit for employment here at Dunder-Mifflin. Is it you? Dwight points at the camera, but after a beat, the cameraman turns around to realize that CREED is behind him. Creed looks up at Dwight and points to himself, “Me?” JIM TALKING HEAD JIM (amused) Illegal immigrant? No, I don’t work nearly hard enough to be an illegal immigrant. There
INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - D1 Michael sits at his desk with TOBY and Dwight standing in the doorway. TOBY Michael, I told you I’ve already looked through everyone’s paperwork and they’re fine. Everyone is legal to work here. MICHAEL Spoken like a man who’s got something to hide. Dwight moves in front of Toby, closer to Michael. DWIGHT (under his breath) I’ll start my investigation with... Dwight nods awkwardly and obviously toward Toby. his way into the office. ANDY Michael, I couldn’t help but overhear that there was an investigation going on and I was thinking that as your number three-Four. DWIGHT ANDY pushes
ANDY Three, you would want me to head things up. Four. DWIGHT
TOBY There isn’t going to be any investigation. Everyone starts talking over each other. Michael stands up.
MICHAEL Okay, okay, all right! You know what? I have a lot of work to do. I have to go over a lot of things and documents and whatnot, so I really don’t have time for immature squabbling. Michael pushes everyone out the door. 9
MICHAEL (CONT’D) Please just figure this out yourselves. (just before the door closes) And don’t listen to anything that Toby says. ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY When Michael said, “work it out amongst yourselves,” I think that was a test. He’s looking for me to step up to the plate and prove myself. Which means I’ll have to find the mole before Dwight does. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Dwight stands at the easel while the last couple of people find their seats. DWIGHT All right people, now remember, the faster we figure this out, the faster we all go home. STANLEY I’m going home at five. DWIGHT I’m afraid not. You’ll find that all the doors are locked for the duration of this investigation. STANLEY (unimpressed as ever) They’re fire doors. They open from the inside. The camera ZOOMS IN on Dwight’s eyes as they shift side to side, calculating this setback. INT. OFFICE - ANDY’S DESK - D1 RACK from everyone in the conference room to Andy, on the phone at his desk. ANDY Hi, Agent McNeil please.
ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY My Uncle Graham has worked for the IRS for 27 years. He has access to pretty much any government database you could need. Andy considers whether to reveal this next part. ANDY (CONT’D) (hushed tone) He used to do background checks on girls for me before I’d date them. Probably saved my life at least once. (deadpan) Seriously. INT. OFFICE - ANDY’S DESK - D1 Andy looks around making sure no one’s missing him from the meeting. ANDY Yeah, I’ll e-mail the list over to you right now. Thanks Uncle Graham. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Dwight stands at the easel. DWIGHT I’ve broken you into partners for preliminary interrogations. The list is posted outside the door. Once I get your initial feedback, I’ll investigate further as warranted. Now, as you begin questioning your suspect, keep the following things in mind. Dwight flips the page on the easel to reveal several tips written out. DWIGHT (CONT’D) One, liars look up and to the right when they lie, accessing the right -or creative -- side of the brain. B, a liar will repeat your question back to you. Example: Have you ever been part of a plot or supported those who were part of a plot or organization designed to overthrow the government? (MORE) 11
DWIGHT (CONT’D) (different voice, incredulous) Have I ever been part of a plot or supported those who were part of a plot or organization designed to overthrow the government? (back to normal) And finally, always watch the hands. The hands kill. Dwight picks up a stack of papers. DWIGHT (CONT’D) I’m passing around a list of initial topics for interrogation. Questions? Kevin raises his hand. KEVIN (sly grin to the camera) Do we get handcuffs? DWIGHT Absolutely not. Handcuffs are not toys, and as a member of the DunderMifflin security team, I am the only one in this room authorized to carry them. (pointing) Pam. PAM How far are we allowed to go to get the information we need out of our suspect? DWIGHT As far as necessary. JIM Is waterboarding authorized? TOBY There’s not going to be any waterboarding. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Waterboarding is a controversial CIA interrogation tactic used to make the suspect feel as if they’re drowning. It’s proven highly effective at getting people to talk. (MORE) 12
DWIGHT (CONT'D) (beat) But Toby won’t let us use it. I’ll have to go to Michael on that one. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Everyone is gathered around the list to see who their partner is. DWIGHT All right people, now once you’ve found your assigned partner, I want you to break off and begin your questioning. Remember, report all leads to me. Jim and Pam share a bemused look. JIM Who’s your partner? Andy. PAM How about you?
JIM I’ve got Kelly. PAM Ooh, do you think you’ll be able to get her to talk? JIM I feel pretty confident. INT. OFFICE - JIM’S DESK - D1 Jim is checking his email as KELLY asks and answers her own questions. KELLY Following my ancestors’ traditions is really, really important to me and I think that that’s obvious if you watch me. I’m a pretty traditional girl in a lot of ways, but not in others. But I think that if I went back to visit India I would probably fit right in. But better dressed. INT. OFFICE - LUNCH ROOM - D1 Kevin and PHYLLIS sit across from each other. off of a piece of paper. Kevin reads
KEVIN When and where did you attend elementary school? PHYLLIS Well, I attended Dunmore Elementary and I guess that would have been starting in 1969 -Kevin makes a snorting sound, trying to suppress a smile. KEVIN You started in 69? (to camera) Awesome. INT. OFFICE - STANLEY’S DESK - D1 RYAN fidgets as he tries to ask Stanley questions. Stanley continues his crossword puzzle. RYAN (reading) Who wrote the national anthem? Stanley ignores Ryan. RYAN (CONT’D) Um, I think I need you to, I need to apparently, to get your answer to this. Stanley finally looks up, annoyed. Ryan looks scared. In turn,
RYAN (CONT’D) (writing) You know what, it’s Francis Scott Key. I’m sure you knew that. That was an easy one anyway. INT. OFFICE - PAM’S DESK - D1 Pam asks and Andy answers rapidfire questions. PAM How many stripes on the US flag? ANDY Easy, thirteen. PAM When did the Civil War end?
PAM Which president won with the biggest margin of victory? ANDY Popular or electoral? PAM I don’t know, popular. Nixon. ANDY
PAM Who was the 13th President? ANDY Millard Fillmore. Pam looks up at Andy, genuinely shocked. ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY I don’t want to brag, but I am a bit of a history buff. I was also a mathlete during middle school, but US history was what I was known for. (putting on a tight lipped smile) And they taunted me mercilessly for it. Said it was “useless”, I was a “loser.” (back to camera) Well let me ask you something. How is it possible to be a loser when you’re the Regional Director in Charge of Sales? Hmm, interesting. I don’t think it is. INT. OFFICE - PAM’S DESK - D1 ANDY By the way, did you know that the name “The United States of America” was first proposed by Thomas Paine? I bet Dwight didn’t have that written down, did he? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting an important work e-mail. ANGLE ON: Pam looking confused. 15
BACK TO: Andy walking to his desk, and leaning down to check his computer. ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY Still nothing from my uncle. These things take time though. Rest assured, somebody is going down. And when that happens, Andy Bernard is going straight to number three. How many people can say that? Not a lot. END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Dwight sits across the table from Stanley. each other silently. The two stare at
DWIGHT Stanley, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take your silence as an admission of guilt. Stanley is not amused. DWIGHT (CONT’D) Well then, you’ve been warned. Dwight’s cell phone rings. DWIGHT (CONT’D) Excuse me. (turning away from Stanley) Corporal Schrute, go ahead. (beat) Yes, that’s correct... Yes, I am. (turning to steal a glance at Stanley) Uh huh. I see. (beat) Well you can understand, I wasn’t aware of the situation. (beat) Absolutely, consider it taken care of. I hope this won’t affect my reputation with your agency. We’re both on the same side here, and I remain at your disposal. ANGLE ON: Through the conference room window we see Jim and Pam at Pam’s desk sharing the phone’s earpiece. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM Did we call Dwight, pretending to be immigration officials, and tell him that Stanley was one of our undercover agents working a years-long case just days from finally breaking open? (beat) Yes.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Dwight flips the phone shut and spins back towards Stanley. DWIGHT That was HQ. Stanley -- or, what is your name anyway? STANLEY (impatient) Still Stanley. DWIGHT Right, no reason to break cover now. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Many undercover agents working long term assignments get so wrapped up in their roles that they don’t know where their assignment ends and reality begins. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Stanley looks at Dwight, half confused, half pissed-off. DWIGHT I’m a little late to the game, but I’m in the loop now. You let me know whatever you’d like, and I’ll get it done. Name it. STANLEY I’d like to go back to my desk. DWIGHT Right of course. But we’re gonna have to make it look like I’m interrogating you so the others don’t get suspicious. Just follow my lead. Stanley gets up and starts to leave. so that the entire office can hear. Dwight yells after him
DWIGHT (CONT’D) Stanley, I’m not through investigating you, that’s for sure! A LOT of a red flags in your file. I’m keeping my eye on you.
Stanley turns to look at Dwight in disbelief, and Dwight throws him a subtle, knowing look, quickly flipping back into his role. He takes two fingers, points to his eyes, then Stanley, mouthing “I’ll be watching you.” INT. OFFICE - ANDY’S DESK - D1 Andy’s phone rings. ANDY Andy Bernard. (beat) Uncle Graham, what’s the word? (beat) Uh huh.... Really... I knew it... (beat) How long will it take to verify? INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - D1 Andy knocks on the doorway and steps into Michael’s office. ANDY Permission to come aboard! While Andy annoys him, Michael can’t resist a setup. MICHAEL That’s what she said! ANDY (laughing) She’s like, “permission to come aboard!” That’s a good one. Michael feigns modesty with an embarrassed look to the camera. ANDY (CONT’D) (quickly changing gears) So, hey about this investigation. Dwight’s in charge of that, huh? MICHAEL (quietly, avoiding eye contact, doesn’t like where this is going)
ANDY Yeah, that’s funny because I’m not sure he’s really doing that great of a job with it. 19
MICHAEL (making himself busy on his computer) Dwight has the full confidence of both myself and the company in this matter. ANDY Yeah, huh. (thinks about it) Well I guess that makes sense. (turning to leave) To be honest, I just can’t help but look at the investigation and think “Michael would’ve solved this thing by now if he were doing it.” The camera RACKS from Andy’s hopeful face to Michael at his desk, tempted by the challenge. INT. OFFICE - D1 As Andy leaves Michael’s office, Dwight pops his head out of the conference room. DWIGHT Bernard, Andrew. Step in please. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Dwight is already seated as Andy takes his place at the table. Dwight looks at his notepad, then stares at Andy, who returns the stare. Like a duel, the two exchange looks, until Dwight “quick draws” his first question. DWIGHT (choppy accent) ¿Pueden entender que yo hablo? ANDY I think you mean, “¿Puedes entender lo que yo estoy diciendo?” DWIGHT Ah hah! (muttering what he’s writing) Pretty good at Spanish. (accusatory) Very interesting for a supposed US citizen.
ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY I also got a “5” on my Spanish AP exam. Voted most likey “tener éxito”. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 ANDY Tu eres muy gordo y estúpido. Dwight gives a half laugh, trying to act like he doesn’t care, and looks down at his notepad. After a moment he looks back at Andy. DWIGHT What did you just say? Nothing. ANDY
DWIGHT No, you just said something there in Spanish. ANDY ¿Que tu eres el numero cuatro, y yo soy el numero tres? DWIGHT What, what was that? just call me? What did you
Dwight rushes to the door, opens it, and yells out. DWIGHT (CONT’D) Oscar! Report to the conference room immediately for translation detail! Andy sits back, enjoying this immensely. ANDY ¡Oscar no te puede ahora ayudar! DWIGHT What did you just say there? ANDY Tu madre es muy gorda. DWIGHT What did you just say about my mother? Nobody brings shame to Mother Schrute!
Dwight is near panic, turning back towards OSCAR’s desk. He ends up yelling right in Michael’s face, who is now standing in the doorway. DWIGHT (CONT’D) Oscar! (face to face with Michael) Oh, hello Michael. I was just continuing the investigation. (to Oscar) Carry on Oscar. (to Andy) Meeting postponed. MICHAEL Dwight, what is happening in here? DWIGHT Whatever it takes to get them to talk. I’m narrowing in on some suspects. MICHAEL You know what Dwight? I think I’m going to have to take this one over. DWIGHT (looking at Andy, hushed tone) Michael, that won’t be necessary. Dwight... MICHAEL
Michael sticks his hand out and looks at Dwight’s notepad. Dwight looks down, and with some reservation, turns it over to Michael, like a cop turning in his badge and gun. Dwight sneaks another look at Andy, who now has a smug look on his face. Dwight lets out a deflated sigh and walks out of the room. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL Does it hurt me? Sure. But a great leader isn’t afraid to make hard decisions. Like Alexander the Great. (trying to think of other examples) Or Catherine...the Great.
INT. OFFICE - PAM’S DESK - D1 Pam looks up as Jim approaches her desk. PAM Did you survive your interrogation? JIM Jack Bauer would be proud. PAM (nodding toward the conference room) I’m waiting to be summoned. JIM (looking at a piece of paper in front of Pam) What’s this? PAM Oh this? Ah, MASH. from the past. JIM What’s that? PAM You don’t know MASH? No. JIM A little blast You?
PAM It’s only the game that every kid in America played growing up. JIM Ah, well in that case, don’t tell Dwight. I might get red flagged. how do you play?
Pam hesitates, unsure if this will make her look silly in front of Jim. PAM Okay, we’ll do one for you. Get a blank piece of paper. First you have to choose five girls you’d want to marry. JIM Okay, so just name five girls?
JIM And it should be celebrities or people I know, or... Anyone. PAM
JIM Alright, well let’s start with Phyllis. I can’t keep my eyes off of her. Pam and Jim laugh as the camera finds Phyllis shoving a muffin into her mouth. JIM (CONT’D) Let’s see. Kelly. Never an awkward silence around the house. Which is a plus. PAM (writing) Good call. JIM And don’t forget Angela. There’s something about a woman who knows how to take charge. Two more. PAM
JIM Well, how about Meredith. She could teach me about fine wines. All wines really. PAM Okay last one. JIM Well, we’ve gotta put you on that list. Don’t think you’re getting off that easily. Pam hesitates and tries to play it cool as she writes herself in.
PAM (pretending to be sarcastic) Oh boy, you’ve got a lot of great choices in here. Wow. Michael exits his office and claps his hands to get people’s attention. MICHAEL All right everyone! attention! I need everyone’s
JIM Okay, we’ll finish this later, right? PAM Of course. It’s against the code to leave a game of MASH unfinished. They both smile. INT. OFFICE - D1 Everyone is gathered around to hear Michael speak. MICHAEL Okay people, I’m going to need to question a few of you in the conference room. Michael tries to appear random in his choices. MICHAEL (CONT’D) Let’s see here... How about... Kelly. Umm... Stanley. DWIGHT (hushed) No, Michael, not Stanley. MICHAEL Dwight, I think you’ve proven that you don’t know how to run this investigation. Let’s see... DWIGHT (hushed, but louder) Michael, I can’t tell you why. But not Stanley. You’re making a huge mistake. MICHAEL Okay. Kelly, Stanley and... let’s see, oh how about... 25
The camera is already on Oscar, and the look on his face says he already knows what’s coming. Oscar. MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Oscar rolls his eyes. MICHAEL (CONT’D) All right you three! In the conference room. America wasn’t built on laziness! Chop chop! This is how we do it here! The three reluctantly file into the conference room. STANLEY TALKING HEAD STANLEY Why do I go along with it? Because I’m writing all of this down, and it’s going to make my settlement that much bigger. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Pam stands at the white board, keeping score. MICHAEL First of all, thank you to Pam for the use of her Cosmo “Pop Music Pop Quiz”. Michael hands Oscar, Kelly, and Stanley a dry erase marker each. MICHAEL (CONT’D) These are your answering devices. You hold it like this, like a buzzer. And when you know the answer, make a buzzing in sound, like on Jeopardy. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL The whole world knows American history. That doesn’t prove anything about being here legally. But only a real red blooded American knows about what’s happening now, in pop culture, in this country. “Live in the now!” as they say. As we say.
INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Michael reads from a Cosmo and looks at the three “contestants” lined up a la Jeopardy. MICHAEL Okay, this show features wanna be pop stars as they perform and get evaluated by three judges -KELLY American Idol! MICHAEL Okay, right but you have to buzz in first. KELLY I did, I hit my marker. MICHAEL But you need to make the sound. You know, like on Jeopardy. “Brrrrrip!” STANLEY There is no buzz in sound on Jeopardy. MICHAEL Well there should be. (reading) Follow-up, this American Idol winner croons tunes such as “Flying Without Wings” and “I Need An Angel.” Brrrrrrip! KELLY Ruben Studdard!
Kelly starts clapping for herself. MICHAEL Hold on! You have to phrase it as a question. KELLY What do you mean? OSCAR Like, “Who is Ruben Studdard.” MICHAEL Oscar is on the board!
OSCAR TALKING HEAD OSCAR (genuinely asking) Who is Ruben Studdard? Oscar looks at someone off camera for help. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 MICHAEL This Latin heartthrob -- Oscar, this one’s for you -- wooed ladies with his romantic hit “I Can Be Your Hero” (quickly answers himself) Brrrrrip! Who is Ricky Martin! (proudly) I didn’t look at the answer by the way. That was just to show you how it’s done. OSCAR Michael, that was Enrique Iglesias. MICHAEL Nope, Ricky Martin. OSCAR No it wasn’t Michael. I... MICHAEL
(quick cover) my friend had the CD. Pretty sure I know what I’m talking about on this one. Oscar just shakes his head. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL I think the quiz went well. I wouldn’t say I’ve narrowed it down to one suspect per se, but I would say I’m pretty confident I’ve got it narrowed down to three. SHOT of Oscar, Kelly, and Stanley still sitting in the conference room. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (looking around, leans in, hushed tone) (MORE) 28
MICHAEL (CONT'D) And you’re not going to believe this, but our innocent little Pam apparently bought some sort of special sex issue of Cosmo because I also stumbled across this: (holding up the magazine) Revealed for the First Time: 15 Sex Secrets That Will Drive Him Wild in Bed! (eyes wide open) Pam, you are so busted! END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE INT. OFFICE - LUNCH ROOM - D1 Jim looks over Pam’s shoulder as she counts and crosses things off one by one. PAM One, two, three, four. Okay, you’re gonna live in a mansion. JIM Totally sweet. I like this game. PAM One, two, three, four. No Ferrari. Ooh, sorry.
JIM That’s okay, the insurance on those things... PAM One, two, three, four. Phyllis. And no
JIM Really? I take it back, I don’t like this game. ANGLE ON: Pam crosses out Phyllis, which leaves only one name: Pam. She doesn’t mention it to Jim, and continues on. PAM 1, 2, 3, 4... PAM TALKING HEAD PAM Do I believe that a grade school game could actually predict my future husband? No. But Pam’s look says that she hopes it can. INT. OFFICE - LUNCH ROOM - D1 Stanley is making a selection from the vending machine. Dwight approaches him, but stands facing away, talking quietly so that Jim and Pam can’t hear.
DWIGHT Stanley. Now that I have been briefed on your mission, I think we can help each other. As you may have heard, I have been temporarily, and erroneously I might add, removed from the investigation. However I believe that if we work together on this, we can both benefit and get this case closed. STANLEY The only investigation I’ll be doing is why I put 50 cents into this machine and my Baby Ruth isn’t coming out. DWIGHT (not fazed) I understand your reluctance. Just think about it and get back to me. Dwight quickly walks away before Stanley can say no again. The camera pans over to Jim and Pam’s table, and their faces show that, despite Dwight’s attempt at discretion, they heard every bit of what he said. INT. OFFICE - DWIGHT’S DESK - D1 Dwight sits, typing at his desk. folded up note on his desk. DWIGHT What’s this? PAM Um, Stanley wanted me to give this to you. He didn’t say what it’s about. Pam walks away, and Dwight looks at the paper. He looks around, then quickly unfolds it. The camera catches a handwritten note: THEY’RE ONTO ME. KEY EVIDENCE IN DUMPSTER OUT BACK. YOU’LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT. YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU. DESTROY THIS NOTE. Dwight crumples up the paper, and then looks at Stanley, who sits at his desk, oblivious to it all. In a quick and daring move, Dwight proceeds to chew and swallow the paper, albeit with some difficulty. Pam walks up, and places a
INT/EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS From a window above, we see Dwight outside, standing in the dumpster, tearing through shredded paper. Every once in a while, he shoots up and looks around, careful to make sure he isn’t being watched. The camera PANS to Jim and Pam who are watching this through the window. Too far? JIM
PAM (with a smile) I’ll let you know. INT. OFFICE - DAY - D1 Dwight, disheveled, dejected and smelling like garbage, walks through the front door. He passes Stanley on the way to Michael’s office. DWIGHT (without stopping) I’m sorry, I guess I just don’t have what it takes. Stanley recoils from the smell, giving Dwight a “what is wrong with you?” look. INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - DAY - D1 Without stopping, Dwight shuffles into Michael’s office. pushes his handcuffs and a plastic security badge across Michael’s desk. DWIGHT I’m sorry Michael. I’ve failed the company, my country, and worst of all... you. Michael looks confused. MICHAEL Ok, and this is regarding...? DWIGHT I’m afraid that’s classified. Before Michael can continue, Andy pops his head in without knocking. He
ANDY Attention Regional Managers and junior investigators: Can I get five minutes with everyone in the conference room? I have something that I think both of you need to hear. INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Everyone is gathered in the conference room, already skeptical of being summoned by Andy. The chatter quiets as Andy begins. ANDY There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it. Folks, Dwight has been hiding a deep, dark secret. The fact is, Dwight is... (he pauses for effect) Canadian. Dwight’s defiant look refutes the allegation. Not true. DWIGHT
ANDY (accusing) That’s right. All along, it looks like we’ve been working alongside an illegal alien, (right at Dwight) eh? (back to group) That’s the danger of Canadians; they look just like us. DWIGHT No. That’s not true. Mother worked in the fields til the day her water broke, gave birth to me, and then went right back to work. She tells me the story every year for my birthday. ANDY (holding up paper) Sorry, Dwight. It looks like Mother lied. Dwight walks over to Andy and grabs the paper out of his hand, reading it. DWIGHT I don’t feel Canadian. 33
Determined to put an end to the nonsense, Toby steps forward out of the crowd. TOBY (rolls his eyes) That’s because you’re not Canadian, Dwight. Yes, you were technically born on the Canadian side of the border at Niagara Falls, but you were still granted US citizenship and are perfectly legal to work here. (to Michael and Andy) I tried to tell you that we already looked into all of this, but nobody ever listens to HR. Michael sees his opportunity to regain control of the situation and make Toby look stupid all at once. MICHAEL Of course, he was granted baby citizenship, but was he ever granted adult citizenship? That is what is being looked at here, Toby. Andy grabs onto the opportunity to save face. ANDY Exactly my point. Adult citizenship. Which I’m pretty sure I said. TOBY Michael, there is no baby citizenship. And there are no illegal immigrants at the Scranton branch. Everyone is okay to work here. Michael gives Toby a “maybe, maybe not” look. Dwight gives an angry look at Andy, who isn’t sure what his next move is. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD/INT. OFFICE - D1 MICHAEL Were mistakes made? Sure. Andy, I think made some assumptions. And I think we all know what happens when we assume. Andy walks dejectedly out of the conference room as the meeting breaks up. MICHAEL (CONT'D) It makes an ass of Andy. And Toby’s not without fault here. 34
We see Toby talking to Dwight. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Obviously there was a communication breakdown on his end. But -- half a dozen of one... (no idea how the saying goes, or what it means for that matter) you know? We’re professionals, and we’ll get back to it tomorrow. (beat) Well tomorrow’s Saturday, so Monday. END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR INT. OFFICE - DAY - D2 Dwight has the Canadian national anthem playing out of his tinny computer speakers. He stands facing a Canadian flag on his desk with his hand over his heart. DWIGHT (singing) Oh Canada, our home and native land... DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Did you know that Canada has more black bears than any other country in the world? FACT: Attacks on humans, although extremely rare, are often predatory. This makes feigning death when a black bear attacks ineffective. INT. OFFICE - DAY - D2 DWIGHT (singing) With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Plus, Vancouver, Canada is tied with Zurich, Switzerland for the highest quality of life of any city in the world. Which I think says something. There’s a beat as Dwight seems to consider what that something is, but then, pleased with himself, he nods. INT. OFFICE - DAY - D2 DWIGHT (singing) God keep our land, glorious and free! DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT I hear it’s also really cold there. And the Schrutes are well known for easily adapting to cold temperatures, which makes a lot sense now. 36
INT. OFFICE - DAY - D2 The grand finale. DWIGHT (singing) Oh Canada, we stand on guard...for... THEE!!! As if it were business as usual, Dwight closes the song with one click, and returns to his work without saying anything normal office clatter continues on in the background. END OF SHOW
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