Coffee Breakdown by Jamie Parfitt

INT. CUNNAMULLA-ADAMS PAPER COMPANY MAIN OFFICE SPACE MICK STEVENS, 42, sports a greasy black comb-over, a white shirt which barely contains his beer gut and a red tie. He leans on a filing cabinet at the edge of the office workspace, in the background employees work at their desks, all with coffee mugs. Mick smiles into the camera in a wooden fashion, taking a sip of from his ‘World’s Best Boss’ mug. MICK It’s no well kept secret that here at Cunnamulla-Adams Paper Company, we achieve high levels of productivity all year round. But what’s the real secret to our success? A MAINTENANCE MAN, with an empty dolly, walks past in the background. BREAK ROOM LILA and SARAH, two employees, one much prettier than the other, talk in front of an ancient looking generic coffee machine with empty generic coffee mugs. Mick steps into frame. MICK It’s important to maintain positive interpersonal relationships between staff members. Lila places a mug under the coffee machine spout. MICK (CONT’D) Let me help you out there Lila. Mick pushes in front of Sarah as if she doesn’t exist, and presses a button on the machine. From glancing down Lila’s top, Mick turns back to the camera and smiles. Some black liquid spits and splutters out of the machine and it is clear that it is broken. Lila and Sarah anxiously look at each other. MICK’S OFFICE Mick stands in his office - he peers out the window at the workplace as the Maintenance Man wheels out the old coffee machine. A sense of alarm can be seen in the faces an actions of the workers. Mick smiles it off -

2. MICK Well, it looks like that old coffee machine’s finally given way. Which brings me to my next point - the importance of providing the latest technology to the workplace. MONTAGE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS Mick walks throughout the office as various workers slowly discover that all their mugs/flasks etcetera, are empty. There’s a general murmur of discomfort, tension is clearly rising. -- A heated argument between two coffee-starved employees can clearly been seen in the background. -- BILL can be seen nervously hiding a flask of coffee in his bottom drawer. MICK (CONT’D) State-of-the-art technology is utilized by all of our employees within a comfortable and open workspace. Mick stops at a cubicle. TED, surrounded by paperwork, slowly punches numbers into a old calculator, his head slowly moving closer to the desk. MICK (CONT’D) How’s it coming along there Ted? Ted finally slams his head onto the desk. Mick smiles awkwardly and moves on. OUTSIDE MICK’S OFFICE A worker slowly presses himself up to the glass, inside window we see Mick standing by his shiny Bambino-model coffee machine, filling up his mug with yet another hot rich brown serving of coffee. MAIN OFFICE SPACE Following Mick, still holding his steaming mug, through the now emptier office space, workers that remain sit hunched at their desks and turn menacingly towards the camera, licking their lips, as the scent of coffee passes them. Mick stops by a closed door, clearly labelled “Cleaners Cupboard”. As Mick opens the door -

3. MICK Training is an essential key to success, all employees must be kept up-to-date with operating procedures. Inside the room we see a man sitting motionless in the darkness, as if he were dead, facing a small TV. He is surrounded by cleaning materials. Blinded by the bright lights the man ominously turns towards the camera, and upon noticing the coffee starts to crawl out of his seat. Mick notices and drops his fake smile momentarily, before quickly shutting the door and moving on. MICK’S OFFICE Mick holds a ruler up to the whiteboard, positioned in front of the window to the main office space. Behind we see a crowd of staff peering ominously through the window with red tired eyes. Some of the men have unbuttoned shirts, some have no shirt at all. Women have let their hair loose and have dark patches of smeared eye make-up around their eyes. One worker is holding Mick’s coffee machine and is desperately licking out the remaining residue. A distinct chant can be heard: “coffee... coffee...” MICK So, as I was saying - a highly important step in workplace harmony is sharing resources. A CRAZED WORKER bangs at the window. MICK (CONT’D) One moment. Mick opens the door and the man suddenly grabs him by the collar. CRAZED WORKER COFFEE! WHERE. IS. THE COFFEE!? Mick struggles free and pushes the man backwards, he barely manages to shut the door. Standing with his back towards the door, he turns to cameraMICK We can just edit that out, right? The camera turns to the nervous-looking producer who sternly looks at the cameraman and points his focus back to Mick, who attempts to straightens his tie and smiles awkwardly. PRODUCER Ya... sure...

4. MAIN OFFICE SPACE - THROUGH MICK’S OFFICE WINDOW The office space is dark and shadowy as the bright lights have been turned off. A single chair spins to a rest. All desks are deserted. A few dark figures can be seen lurking in the background with whiteout and highlighter “war paint” on their faces. LILA, seems to have become a leader, crouching atop a desk, grunting and pointing towards Mick’s office. MICK’S OFFICE Mick, resigned and clearly frightened, hides under his desk. His hair is ruffled and his tie has been removed, with the top few buttons of his shirt loosened. Noticing the camera he smiles. MICK In... (cough)...difficult situations, it’s always recommended to approach the issue at hand from a different angle. Under the desk... umm... going outsiMick trails off as he peeks around the corner. MAIN OFFICE SPACE - THROUGH MICK’S OFFICE WINDOW A DELIVERYMAN, 28, wearing a white Hazmat suit and a gas mask, bursts into the office pushing a large box on a dolly. This startles the lurking employees, sending them into hiding. MICK’S OFFICE The door opens and the Delivery man stands silhouetted in the doorway. He takes off his mask. DELIVERYMAN Mr. Stevens? I've come to save you! We can all get through this, but you must do exactly as I say. It is imperative that this machine be installed immediately! Take me to your break room! MAIN OFFICE SPACE The Delivery man, pushing the dolly, fights through a crowd of approaching workers, closely followed by Mick and the film crew hiding in his wake.

5. On approaching the break room, the delivery man snatches Mick’s mug out of his hands, sniffs the coffee within and throws it into the crowd. The mug smashes, spilling its contents, glorious coffee, onto the carpet. Crazed workers drop to the floor to lick and slurp at the ground. One worker sees the camera and it is quickly turned inwards as the door to the Break Room is locked. BREAK ROOM DELIVERYMAN That ought to distract them for a while... Mick looks pale as he nervously tries to laugh off the events that preceded. MICK Who... who are you? The Delivery man unzips his suit to reveal the purple and orange Espresso Essential uniform. DELIVERYMAN I’m from Espresso Essential, we deal with epidemics like this all the time. You entered our radar when you purchased the Bambino model for your office. Don’t worry we’ve brought you in another one of our machines, you shouldn’t ever face this problem again. MAIN OFFICE SPACE In background the Maintenance Man can be seen mopping the floor and throwing away the shattered remains of Mick’s mug. Employees are busy working at their desks. Everyone is holding and drinking from an Espresso Essential cup. Lila walks past holding an Espresso Essential coffee, the only sign of any previous turmoil being the faint highlighter marks on her face. Mick stands, once again, leaning against the filing cabinet, smiling at the camera. His attire has been tidied, yet is far from perfect. He takes a sip from his Espresso Essential cup -

6. MICK Finally, the most important thing to remember is that it is essential to stay calm in times of crisis, and that simply requires a strong and sturdy manager. For it is the manager above all that keeps the office functional and productive. SPLIT SCREEN: CREDITS ROLL EXT. OUTSIDE OFFICE The Deliveryman wheels the empty dolly, carrying his Hazmat suit towards the Espresso Essential van.

DELIVERYMAN Happens all the time... An inferior quality machine breaks down and the poor bastards that suckle on its wet-cardboard tasting blend go crazy with withdrawal. JUMP CUT TO: Yeah, we come along and install our fine-quality Italian-made machines and give them a premium quality coffee experience to help keep them going throughout the day. All in a days work, you know... JUMP CUT TO:

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