To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone,and a funnybone.

--Reba McEntire If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself. --Charles Schulz

A woman goes to a spiritualist—a medium. She wants to get in touch with the spirit of her dead husband. The medium goes into a trance and after a while a voice comes out. “Barbara,” it says, “Are you there?” “That’s Jack,” the wife says, “I’d know his voice anywhere. Jack, tell me…where you are…is it nice?” “Barbara, it’s absolutely gorgeous…The sky is beautiful blue with pretty white clouds… and the cows…Barbara, I really wish you could see these cows. Brown cows, black cows, white cows—such beautiful cows I’ve never seen, never in my whole life.” “But… Jack, I didn’t know they had cows in Heaven.” “Who’s talking about Heaven? I’m a bull in Argentina!” A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. This friend of mine went out with a woman. Her mother liked him, but her father didn’t. He went out with another woman whose father liked him, but her mother didn’t. Finally, he met a woman whose mother liked him, her father liked him, but her husband couldn’t stand him. There was a young fellow of Lyme, Who lived with three wives at one time. When asked: “Why the third?” He replied: “One’s absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime.” The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. Three old men were sitting on a front porch comparing their memories. The first one says “I remember being in a stroller, I must have been two. The second one says “I remember standing up in the crib and looking around.” The third one says “You both have lousy memories, I remember going to a picnic with my dad and coming home with my mom.” A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem. The captain’s parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done. The bird says, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “Hey! He’s hiding the flowers under

the parrot says. For days neither says anything.” she asked. The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle of the ocean. the judge said. Isn’t that called a horse? The fly made a visit to the grocery store Didn’t even knock—went right in the door. . But it’s the captain’s parrot. that’s impossible. and took a bite of ham. Where’s the ship?” Why aren’t elephants allowed in the swimming pool? Because they can’t keep their trunks up. “Okay.the table!” The magician is enraged.” Slightly taken aback. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and mother. “Thou shalt not kill. “But lady. there is an accident. so he can’t do anything about it. after a week with no hope in sight. I wonder what the French say when they get déjà vu? The wife was in front of the divorce judge and said. I give up. “All I’m asking is that my husband should leave me the way he found me. Then he sat down to rest on the grocery man. He took a bite of sugar.” “Why impossible?” she persisted. Why did the math teacher dice her carrots? She wanted square roots. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and sixyear-olds. The ship crashes and sinks. didn’t he?” If everyone owned a horse. “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” One little boy replied. the country would be more stabilized. One day on a long cruise.” The only way to double your money in Las Vegas is to fold it and keep it in your wallet. Why can’t you eat carrots with fingers? Carrots don’t have fingers. UFO’s: Elusive flying machines thought to be piloted by extraterrestrials and generally confined in their earthly encounters to areas where the National Enquirer is considered a literary magazine. “He found me as a widow. Finally. Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra.

What smells good and rides a horse? The Cologne Ranger. Just when you think tomorrow will never come.” “Ears who?” “Ears another knock knock joke. but I think I may have in a former life. fluffy. it’s yesterday. I was riding a horse. so I had to shoot it. and its leg was broken. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary. Seven parents. and beats its chest in a pastry shop? A meringue-utan. The policeman said: “Can you explain why you’re out at this hour? The drunk replied: “If I could. A police officer stopped a drunk wandering through the streets at five o’clock in the morning. Everybody on the carousel freaked out. I would’ve been faster.” What’s white. I’m from a very large family. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said. Wade decision was. “Only God can make a tree”—probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. but I had to stop for gas. Knock.” How do you make a fruit stand? Take away its chair. “Knock. I’d be home by now!” Chicken Little only has to be right once. A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe v.” “Who’s there?” “Ears. and they died on the spot. As the poet said. Most likely the dinosaurs got bored staring at the exhibits in natural history museums. “I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.I don’t believe in reincarnation. My wife thinks I’m too nosy. I finished the New York City marathon in under an hour. . There are a lot of theories for why the dinosaurs went extinct.

Amazed. The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble. He: I've traced my ancestors right back to royalty. he asked. . A man who won the $100 million lottery said he was going back to his job teaching. Now it’s Man that is really the beast. farm or pen.” The astonished hunter asked. A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead elephant. Look in forest or den. Leisure time is when your spouse can't find you. “How big is your club?” “There’s about seventy of us. What is a bird after he is four days old? Five days old. In zoo. “Did you kill that?” “Yes” “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?” “I killed it with my club. She took one of my checks.” CEO : Corporate Ego in Overdrive When I feel like getting away from it all. She: You mean King Kong? She: Do you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater? He: I didn't even know they could knit.I went to see a psychic the other day. What happens when a green tomato is put into very cold water? It gets wet. I just turn the TV on to a Spanish soap opera and imagine I'm on vacation in a hotel in Mexico. What did the father buffalo say to his son when he went off to school? “Bison!” From the west to the fabulous east Lies the natural world—used to. Apparently he doesn’t teach math. I could tell right away that she wasn’t any good. at least.

. blue eyes? She: They came with my face. Your dog plays chess? That's great. I asked if I could see her home. When is a car not a car? When it is turning into a driveway. Steve: She did. His friends said. not date her!” I try not to argue with my wife. She: Okay. She: Would you like to see where I was vaccinated? He: Sure. and then I'd really be in trouble. where did you get those big. so she showed me a picture of it.Steve: I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. My ambition is to be the last man on earth--so that I can find out if all those women were telling me the truth. He: Tell me. The moon was out. Get out of that pool. You’re expected to fight her. Not really. Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. and so were her parents. He: How many have you had? She: Three. Frank: I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles. She: Only a fool is positive. I beat him two times out of three. She: Are you sure? He: I'm positive. “You fool. He: Are you sure? She: I'm positive. I play chess with my dog nearly every day. we'll drive past it in a minute. Why is a roomful of married people empty? Because there isn't a single person in it. She: You look like my fourth husband. I might win. But where am I going to find a fake jeep? A brave but quite odd gladiator Fell in love with a young alligator. It was a magical night.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.000 are in America. "I'm not Susan." Two pigeons were flying over a car dealer's and one said. I mean. She: Which ones? He: "Romeo and Juliet. " Are you Susan?" She said. She: Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays? He: Only two of them. to be found out of doors. what did your blind date look like? Well. this woman walked up to him. a location where. Suddenly. "Why don't we put a deposit on that Mercedes?" MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. she's got absolutely nothing to wear. she's run out of closet space to keep it in. it can't be argued. how else would she eat? I was a premature baby--my father wasn't expecting me. And second. WE DO NOT STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD." She said. WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING. The fabulous Wizard of Oz Retired from the business becoz. "Are you Steve?" Steve said. He said. You've got to hand it to Venus de Milo.So. by and large. Rembrandt produced roughly 300 paintings--of which nearly 1. To most of his clients He wasn’t the wizard he woz. What with up-to-date science. there are never enough comfortable chairs. . Nature is. he looked a lot better over the telephone. The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back in the machine. "Yes. How did l learn to dance? Simple--when I grew up there were six kids and only one bathroom. My wife has just two complaints: first. Steve was waiting on the corner for his blind date to arrive.

She never forgets a thing.Why did the big rope scold the little rope? Because it was knotty. At three I composed an opera. I was a musical prodigy. At four I wrote a minuet. A show off is a child who is more talented than yours. My wife has a terrible memory. There was a young athlete named Tribbling Whose hobby was basketball dribbling. But he dribbled one day On a busy freeway— Now is sister is missing a sibling! My brother is a brilliant medical researcher. I went downstairs and had a cup of coffee. I'm resolving not to procrastinate. as usual. Many a tombstone inscription is a grave error. And at five-thirty. . He's just invented a cure for which there's no known illness. I've decided on my New Year's resolution: from the beginning of March. At five I wrote a complete symphony.

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