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Question: Human activity has had a negative impact on plants and animals around the world.

Some people think that this cannot be changed, while others believe actions can be taken to
bring about a change.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Commented [ab1]: ‘the threat of extinction’ – this is a


It is true that life on earth, such as plants and animals, is facing a threat of extinction due to fixed expression that always takes ‘the’.

human practices. While some argue that it is possible to change this, I personally believe that

Commented [ab2]: A nice, clear introduction.


measures can be taken to make a difference.

There are two main reasons why people hold negative views about changing the environmental

Commented [ab3]: ‘are highly reliant’ – be reliant on


problems that we are causing. Firstly, we are highly rely on technologies that is often damaging sth/smb (adjective).

Commented [ab4]: ‘are’ – referring to the technologies.

the environment and is thus harmful to plants and animals. Plastic , for example, have become Commented [ab5]: ‘are’ again referring to the main noun
in the sentence which is plural.

Commented [ab6]: ‘has’ –‘plastic’ is uncountable and a


part of how we live our daily lives. Many products are made of plastic, such as our toothbrushes, singular noun.

Commented [ab7]: ‘p’ – no need for a capital letter here.


our children’s toys and the bags we use for everything from trash to shopping. Most Plastic is

Commented [ab8]: ‘is dropped’ – this is passive –


non-biodegradable and it is found that large amount of it dropped in the ocean, which can kill somebody does this and it is not important who

Commented [ab9]: ‘eat plastic accidentally’ – otherwise


creatures such as fish or birds as they eat plastic. Secondly, as the human population increases, it sounds like they choose it in their diet .

Commented [ab10]: ‘more space and food’ – space = ‘an


more places and more food are needed. This means that more trees will have to be cut down for area of land which is not occupied by buildings’.

Commented [ab11]: ‘natural habitat’ is a more accurate


buildings or farming, and animals will lose their homes. phrase here.
In spite of the above arguments, I support the view that we can take actions to improve this

situation. For individuals, they can choose products with less packaging, stop drinking bottled

water and use reusable bags. For governments, they can make it illegal for companies to produce

Commented [ab12]: You can use ‘could’ for some variety


disposable products, and they can force people to plant a new tree every time they chop down as you are using ‘can’ a lot.

Commented [ab13]: ‘and they can force’ – no need to


repeat here after ‘and’.
one or employ cutting-edge technology such as ‘vertical farm’, which means crops are grown in

Commented [ab14]: ‘the space’ - ‘places’ refer to


multi-storey buildings, in order to reduce places needed. buildings, houses; physical objects.

In conclusion, I believe that we can do much to improve the environment for trees and animals.

Comment:
IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment A clear and well-developed 7.5


position is presented in
response to the question/s.
Ideas are relevant, well
extended and supported. Fully
developed with excellent
support.
Cohesion and Coherence Information and ideas are
logically sequenced and
cohesion is well managed.
Presents a clear central topic 7.5
within each paragraph. Good
progression through the
paragraphs and the essay.
Lexical resource Uses a range of vocabulary
fluently and flexibly to convey
precise meanings. The
language is relevant but there 7.0
may be more formal or
sophisticated language with
more precise meaning that can
be used e.g. ‘chop down vs
deforested, a part of vs integral
to’.
Grammatical Range Different structures are
and accuracy accurately used e.g. but
there are a few cases where 7.0
noun and verb forms are
inaccurate e.g. ‘technologies
are’ and adjective forms ‘be
reliant’. However, there is a
good degree of accuracy and
variety of language structures.

Overall Score: 7.0 + – A clear and well-developed position is presented in response to the
question.