Hello! Thank you for your interest in this play!

If you would like to produce this show yourself, all I ask is that you send an appropriate donation for
your budget to actorwade@gmail.com .
And let me know about your production so I can cheer you on!

Your donation allows me more time to create new works!

Cheers and thank yous,

Andrew Wade

************

The Hatter

AUDIO: Pre-show Music:

01 - Tally Hall – Ruler of Everything
02 - Ween – Hey There Fancypants
03 - Mumford & Sons – Little Lion Man
04 - Lemon Demon – Word Disassociation
05 - Elliot Smith – Bottle Up and Explode!

After serving tea pre-show, The Hatter heads to the back as the FoH gives their speech. If possible,
have the FoH wait a few minutes after set start-time to allow guests to all be served tea (even if they
only just arrived on time).

AUDIO: 06 - Chris Garneau – Between the Bars (edited)

Lights slowly rise to a very dim level. The Hatter stumbles around with a teacup as though it were a
bottle, feeling his demons, listening to the song as though it was Wonderland itself reassuring him. As
the song ends, The Hatter ends up sitting cross-legged onstage in a tea party with three stuffed
animals.

Elsewhere on the stage, a sprig of flowers are held up by the Alice in Wonderland book standing on
end. A 'scroll' with the poem, 'The Albatross Made Of Lead', is elsewhere. A large, ratty cloth hat
hangs from the back. Hidden in the wings are a Jabberwocky costume and The Hatter's battle-mask
and plastic knife.

HATTER
All in the golden afternoon,
full leisurely we glide,
for both our oars, with little skill,

The Hatter - 1
by little arms are plied,
while little hands make vain pretence
our wanderings to guide.

Ah, cruel thee, at such an hour,

beneath such dreamy weather,
to beg a tale of breath too weak
to stir the tiniest feather,
yet what can one poor voice avail
against all thee together?

(to stuffed animals)

Imperious Prima issues forth

her verdict “To begin it!”
In gentler tones Secunda hopes
“There will be nonsense in it,”
while Tertia interrupts the tale,
not more than once a minute.

(to audience)

Anon, to sudden silence won,

in fancy we pursue,
The Hatter moving through a land
of wonders wild and new,
who lost himself in idle chat
and much preferred it too.

(stands up)

And ever as these wonders drained

his wells of mem'ry dry,
and fiercely strove this weary one
to put those subjects by,
“Remember when,” “THERE IS NO WHEN!”
his potent voice does cry.

('Cheers' with his teacup to audience members)

Thus grew the great Tea Party,

thus slowly, one by one,
its teacups all were painted,
its silly songs were sung,

The Hatter - 2
and there we spilled, a merry crew,
'til came that curious one.

Alice! Stupid, nothing girl,

who, with a reprimand,
awoke the faintest wisps of lives
in mem'ry's mystic band,
like pilgrims wither'd wreath of flowers
plucked in a far off land.

Welcome! Welcome all, all and one, to Wonderland! A magical place where everything is nonsense,
and nothing is what it is, because everything is what it isn't. And everything that was, has never been.
You follow? No? Good. You shouldn't follow too closely or you may find out where you are going, and
the danger in knowing where you are going is that you may eventually get there. But when you don't
know where it is you want to go, it is entirely possible to end up nowhere. Wonderland.

I am ever so delighted to have you all here with me. If I were any more delighted, we'd all be sitting in
the dark! Get it? Delighted? Dee – lighted?

Lighting person turns off the lights.

HATTER
No, that was just a pun! Turn the lights back on... TURN THEM BACK ON!

Lights go back on. Hatter straightens out his coat and calms down.

HATTER
It's not often you have that problem, here in Wonderland! What, Wonderland can't have lights, or a
stage, or an audience, or a ridiculously low-budget cloth setpiece whose patches aren't even properly
attached... Wonderland is mysterious, alright? There is no reason to suggest that we might not really
be in-

Lights go off.
AUDIO: 07 – Earnest - Moira's Message

HATTER
FINE! FINE! This isn't Wonderland... yet. But, it will be. We will make a Wonderland, right here! Just
you, and me. You, and me, and my WONDERFUL, KIND, ATTRACTIVE, and SLIGHTLY INTIMIDATING
lighting person.

Lights go back on.

HATTER
Thank you. Thank you for being here, to help. With your help, we will create a miniature modicum of a

The Hatter - 3
marvellous Wonderland right here in this very theatre, a recreation so perfect that it shall bring the
real Wonderland here, so that this moment, this day, this is the day The Hatter returns Home! To
blissful, silly, madness! To an empty mind and a full cup!

So let's start with a song. But not just any song! My own personal favourite, the UNBIRTHDAY SONG!
After all, I have it on VERY good authority that for a few of you, it is YOUR very own unbirthday! If you
look at your programs, you will find lyrics to sing along. But first, I must ask, is it perchance anyone's
ACTUAL birthday today? Anyone? No? GOOD.

I believe I begin it.

Statistics prove, prove that you've one birthday,

One birthday every year,
But there are three hundred and sixty four unbirthdays,
That is why we're gathered here to cheer...

A very merry unbirthday to you, to you,

A very merry unbirthday to you, to you.
It's great to drink to someone and I guess that you will do,
A very merry unbirthday, to you.

A very merry unbirthday to us, to us

A very merry unbirthday to us, to us
If there are no objections let it be unanimous,
A very merry unbirthday to us!

WAIT! HOLD ON! Sorry, just a moment. It just occurred to me. You there, what, what day is it? What
date? Really. Is it really. My pocketwatch has been stopped for so long I hadn't much thought about
when my own birthday is. Which is in fact, today. Ah.

The Hatter goes to a dark area of the space. Perhaps a chair.

HATTER
Well, go on then. It being my birthday, I can't very well sing the unbirthday song, but all of you... it's
still your unbirthday. I'll just stay here where it's dark; you should finish the song. Go on. A one, a two,
a one two three...

The Hatter stays there sullen as the audience finishes the song. Hits his head against the wall, goes
and drinks from the stuffed beaver's cup of tea, gulps it back like it's a shot of alcohol. Or stays there
awkwardly if the audience doesn't sing. (They usually sing. 80% of the time, I'd say.)

AUDIENCE
A very merry unbirthday to me (to who?)
A very merry unbirthday to me (to you!)

The Hatter - 4
Let's all congratulate me
With a present I agree
A very merry unbirthday to me.

A very merry unbirthday to all, to all,

A very merry unbirthday to all, to all,
Let's have a celebration, hire a band, and rent a hall,
A very merry unbirthday,
A very merry unbirthday,
A very merry unbirthday to all!

HATTER
Bravo. Bravo. I could always sing that song in Wonderland. I don't think I had a birthday in
Wonderland. Earnest has a birthday. The Hatter doesn't. Or didn't, until I got stuck here. Wonderland
is perfect. It is strange, wild, fantastic, terrifying, and above all else, distracting. The most distracting
place you can't imagine. And if you are lucky, it may even distract you from yourself. And it had
distracted me entirely away from myself altogether... until she just had to fall down a rabbit hole and
pay me a visit. Alice. ALICE. ALLLLLLLLICCCCCCCCE. When that little girl went traipsing off down that
road, off to see the Queen... I felt, and this is ridiculous, I felt quite suddenly... homesick.

Homesick! Ridiculous! Really, quite ridiculous, because I, The Hatter, have no home! No home but
Wonderland, and I was in Wonderland, at home, homesick! But then I started to think – and thinking
is the root of all problems – and then I started to remember, and then it wasn't long before I woke up
and found myself stuck here. Back breathing in this stupid normal air and standing in this stupid
normal place with you stupid normal people. Lovely, darling people I'm sure, but still, normal. Not
cards, nor lizards, nor hares, nor harmonizing hyacinths. You're just, people.

Though I do thank you for coming.

AUDIO – o8 - Can't have Sara around that - Moira's Message

HATTER
When it all started, I went to The March Hare for advice.

MARCH HARE
Keep a loose grip on yourself, man! You're sounding stark, raving, sane!

HATTER
Don't be silly, I'm as Mad as ever!

MARCH HARE
Easy there, calm down, how about a nice cup of tea?

HATTER

The Hatter - 5
I'm perfectly calm!

MARCH HARE
How about a nice cup of tea?

HATTER
I don't want-

MARCH HARE
How about a nice cup of tea?

HATTER
Not right now!

MARCH HARE
Not right now? Then when is it? Hmm? When is it? WHEN IS IT?

HATTER
I don't know! It is a time. It was a time before and it is a time now and it will be a time tomorrow.

MARCH HARE
Tea time?

HATTER
At some point.

MARCH HARE
At which point? Who's pointing? Are you pointing at tea time? Where are you pointing at tea time?

HATTER
March Hare, you are speaking nonsense.

MARCH HARE
And YOU. ARE. NOT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

HATTER
And then he hopped off and left me with no one to talk to except the dormouse, who is rubbish for
conversation at the best of times, and who at that moment was snoozing in a jar of cream. A little girl
used to invite me to her tea parties.

You see!? Memories! Awful things. All because of Alice, the girl who didn't care for madness, who
wasn't appreciative of how valuable it is to be Mad... she didn't allow Wonderland enough time to
creep into the corners of her psyche, to teach her to forget. She didn't surrender to Wonderland, not
like I did.

The Hatter - 6
She also didn't like my tea.

Which reminds me! Tea! This is a tea party, after all, and not a... differently alphabetized party. While
you may have received some tea, I would like to craft for one of you a very special, artisinal cup of tea,
for on top of being a teasmith, teawright, and teaographer, I also have the ability to read into a
person's aura, their chakra, their chi, or their chai... so that I may fashion for them a uniquely perfect
cup of tea tailored specifically for them. You there! May I do you the honour?

What is your name? And what do you do for a living? Ah! Well, I shall prepare an extra special brew
for you! Right! What we need is...

((((The Hatter improvises, choosing ingredients to match possible ailments or occupational hazards the
person may encounter))))

HATTER
Aha! Here you are. What do you think? Isn't it fantastic? As I say, there is nothing quite like a good cup
of tea to calm and empty one's mind.

AUDIO – 09 - When You Drink - Moira's Message

HATTER
Not so thirsty, myself. You know what's good to take a person's mind off things, to transport them
somewhere else, as we are trying to do? A story! See stories have power. A story can keep a person
alive for a thousand and one Arabian nights, can teach a man a lesson long overdue, or be a warm,
distracting world in which he may hide for all the rest of the days of his life.

Here we are! This one is called, The Albatross Made Of Lead.

AUDIO: 10 - Beethoven – Didier Brest – Moonlight Sonata

It was a frozen dawn we awoke to, that day;

the sky an oppressive grey sheet,
Icicles hung from our boat's iron rails,
born from the prior night of sleet.

I took for a walk, for my gut told me to,

‘round each of the decks of the boat,
But I ne’er could have known, just what I’d be shown,
the mystery sent us afloat…

Joe Bottom, he called me o'er to the stern,

as he leaned right over the railing,
"My, what a sight! God must be drunk,"

The Hatter - 7
he shouted, his own liver failing.

To the captain, too, Joe lifted his brew,

thank goodness the sot was off-shift,
"Better 'an sirens, stranger 'an squid,
Wooo-eee, look at her drift."

So the captain and I stepped down to the grates

of our cross-ocean small cargo freighter,
to give Joe a hand, to go help him stand,
and good god, to take all his cider.

Tied to our boat, a long rope lined down,

thirty feet to the water below,
to a weight at the end on a small orange raft,
A silhouette shape which we towed.

The raft wasn't ours, and needless to say,

the creature on it wasn't ours either;
it seemed t'have a beak, but was dark and sleek,
"An albatross forged of lead!"

"Don't you be daft," the captain replied,

"That just doesn't fit with the phylum;
we've hit a gas patch, or found a new flock."
Then he licked his fat lips, "But I'll try one."

The captain, you see, was a competent cook,

who sampled sea birds with his rifle,
and this bird that sat, as large as a man,
certainly made for an eye-full.

But something was off, the bird not quite right,

disregarding its unworldly size;
its colour, uniform, a dullish old grey,
and did – oil – make up its eyes?

The rope's hempen end, it held in its beak,

clamped on it tight like a gift;
the bird, it stretched, a fifteen foot span,
but its weight was too heavy to lift.

Its feathers all squealed as they shifted their shapes,

to our wincing yet awe-filled surprise;

The Hatter - 8
a shower of sparks as the metal expanded,
The albatross was made of lead.

The lead tinted blue where it grinded and scraped,

and powder fell on the raft's bottom;
our own Joey lay and laughed up a storm,
‘til the captain crouched down and slapped him.

"A bird made like that, I know I can't eat,

but God, I know I can shoot it;
An unnatural thing! A monsterous beast!
Fetch me my gun and my kit!"

I held quick his arm and pleaded my case,

"Captain, there's no need to fear;
it can't even stand! The real wonder is,
how could it ever get here?”

Not Joey, the captain, nor had myself,

ever seen the raft in our store,
nor any other boat for several days -
"God's drunk! I tells ya before!"

The bird, it nuzzled some feathers in place,

and cried some oil where it creaked,
then spread out its wings to take in the sun,
An albatross made out of lead.

Now Joey stood up, then fell down again;

so I stole the flask from his beard;
and when I turned 'round to take Joey in,
the captain had since disappeared.

To go get his gun! I broke in a run,

but didn't know which way he went;
by the time I found him up on the deck,
his bullet had - BAM! - made its dent.

"It cannot exist!" The captain declared,

swinging the gun in his hand;
his eyes were blood-wide, with a feverish grin,
the lead bird had made him go mad.

The cap' dropped his gun; I flew to the rails,

The Hatter - 9
to the raft, the bird floating away;
it had let loose the rope, and wailed a squeak;
the hole, a black sputter and spray;

Oil filled the raft as it poured from the bird;

the slow, final slump of its head;
I sunk my own to pray as our boat pushed away
from the albatross made of lead.

HATTER
You know, when I said, storytime, I was hoping for a ha ha, silly story, not some... Why can't we just
let fantastic things live? Just let them live, damn you, just let them live!

AUDIO – 11 - The man I should marry - Moira's Message

HATTER
NO! NO YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! I WAS TERRIBLE! YOU DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER, AND ALL YOU
GOT WAS A LOUSY DRUNK!

Ah, but the time has come my little friends, to talk of other things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax,
of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings, calloo callay,
come run away, with cabbages and kings!

Say, look! Flowers! Those certainly haven't been on the stage this whole time! Right? RIGHT? Right!
Curiouser and curiouser, items appearing out of nowhere! Very Wonderlandish, that is? Eh? Eh? And
at just the right moment, for there is nothing quite so calming as stopping to smell the flowers.

The Hatter plucks a flower head and smells it. Just as the satisfying calm settles in...

BABY FLOWER
Mummy, mummy? Why is Suzie's head missing?

MOTHER FLOWER
Now, don't be silly, her petals have been coming in lovely this year!

HATTER
What? Oh, talking flowers. OH! Talking flowers! Fantastic! Hello.

MOTHER FLOWER
WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING IN YOUR HAND?!?

HATTER
This? Oh, well, stop and smell the flowers, lovely, I didn't really-

The Hatter - 10
MOTHER FLOWER
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!

HATTER
Oh, well, she really does smell lovely-

MOTHER FLOWER
YOU'VE DEFLOWERED MY DAUGHTER!

HATTER
Look, now, I didn't know that-

MOTHER FLOWER
SHE ONLY SPROUTED TWO SPRINGS AGO!!!

HATTER
Yes, well, there's no need to screech, I-

MOTHER FLOWER
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER?!

HATTER
Look, I wasn't thinking, I've had an awful day, and I-

MOTHER FLOWER
MONSTER!

HATTER
Please, calm down, I-

MOTHER FLOWER
MONSTER!

HATTER
SHUT UP!

MOTHER FLOWER
MONSTER! MONSTER! MOOOOOONNNSSSSSSTEERRRRRRRRR!

HATTER
SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP!!!

The Hatter, in a frustrated rage, tears the heads off the other flowers and throws them around the
stage.

The Hatter - 11
HATTER
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

What? Oh, come on, they're just flowers. Okay yes, flowers that talk, but EVERYTHING talks in
Wonderland. EVERYTHING. Consider that the next time you're on a camping trip, doing your business
in the forest, and you need to find a leaf to wipe with.

But I apologize for the tantrum. I would like to say I'm not ordinarily an angry person, but evidence
would suggest that's not entirely true. It's just that, for a certain kind of individual... sometimes when
that class of person's faculties are compromised, either through extreme stress, or a lack of sleep, or
perhaps two or three drinks too many, they can find themselves caught in instinctual reactions of...
aggression, moments which are not so much choices as they are... reactions which said person may
not always have enough self-restraint to suppress.

Not that I'm excusing such actions. No, such physicality is inexcusable, and unforgivable. I'm just-

AUDIO: 12 - Earnest 2 - Moira's Message

HATTER
Earnest no longer exists! There is only The Hatter! LONG LIVE THE HATTER! Past-less, memory-less...

Let's have a song! Another SONG! Hahah! The last one didn't quite work out, but I am going to make
certain this one does because I am going to make this one up on the spot. Also, I am terrible at
learning lyrics. Quick, anyone, give me a silly name for a song which does not yet exist. Anyone?
Anything at all.

Ah! Yes! Good.

The Hatter improvises a song which starts out silly, but then becomes rather sad and about him
missing his wife and daughter.

Move on, move down, MOVE DOWN!

CHESHIRE (as The Hatter looks around)

A tee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee...

HATTER
Cat? Cat? Cheshire? Here, cat cat cat cat... here cat cat cat...

CHESHIRE
Mreeow.

HATTER

The Hatter - 12
Why can't I see you?

CHESHIRE
I try to be only where no one is looking for me. A tee hee hee...

HATTER
Then I won't look! I'm just glad to hear your voice. To hear something of home. Look, I would
appreciate your help. You guide people.

CHESHIRE
I bat them around from time to time, place to place.

HATTER
Well then, bat me back one ticket straight to Wonderland!

CHESHIRE
Only the MAD go to Wonderland. You would never fit in.

HATTER
Yes, that's why I need to go back, so I can be Mad again! So I don't need to remember any more!
Besides, I wasn't mad, the first time I wound up in Wonderland!

CHESHIRE
Oh no?

HATTER
No! When I fell down the rabbithole, I was just... moody. Very moody. Okay, I was on the edge. And
drunk. Very drunk. It was dark.

CHESHIRE
Sometimes it takes an awful good deal of water before a man realizes he is drowning. A tee hee hee.

HATTER
Fine, just teach me how to be mad again! That's all I want. What can I do?

CHESHIRE
Well, what made you mad before?

HATTER
No. NO. No no no no no no no. That's what I'm trying to get away from!

CHESHIRE
Face what made you mad before, and perhaps you can run away from it all over again. And then
perhaps, once again, Dis – a - ppear!

The Hatter - 13
AUDIO: 13 - Earnest Sara - Moira's Message

HATTER
No! That's what I don't want to remember! CAT! Cat!

BUTTERFLY
A who, a harr, a you?

HATTER
Butterfly, I don't... Oh. I see. I see how this works. Confront to forget. Confront to forget. Confront to
forget.

BUTTERFLY
A who, a harr, a you?

HATTER
The Hatter!

BUTTERFLY
A WHO, A HARR, A YOU?

HATTER
The Hatter!

BUTTERFLY
A WHO, A HARR-

HATTER
Earnest P. Whitmore! Earnest P. Whitmore.

BUTTERFLY
But a-who, a-harr a-you?

HATTER
I am... a hatter. I make hats and costume accessories.

BUTTERFLY
I did NOT ask for a biography! I asked, WHO ARE YOU?

HATTER
... I am a father... and a hus- an ex-husband. ... look, I'm just a man trying to get home. I'm just a lonely
man who misses his daughter and wife and knows he should never be allowed to see them again. Is
that enough for you?

The Hatter - 14
BUTTERFLY
Exacitally enough.

HATTER
Good. Go stick your head in a flower.

BUTTERFLY
Keep your temper, Earnest.

HATTER
If I were able to do that...

BUTTERFLY
Wait! I have something important to say!

HATTER
Well?

BUTTERFLY
Where is your Queen?

HATTER
Where is my... yes. My Queen. I always used to call Moira my Queen. A pet name, and she'd call me
her king. Your breakfast, your majesty. Why thank you, my king. Our little princess. Oh, what the heck,
if we can conjure talking flowers and cats and caterpillars turned butterflies, we can attempt to
arrange a date at court with the Queen of Hearts. Or the Queen of my heart. To be judged, or...

If there is anything I know in this world, it is that before the Queen enters any room, a certain song
must be sung first. So please, if everyone could please turn to your programs and join with me, let us
summon the Queen of my heart.

AUDIO: 14 - God Shave The Queen - 2013

God shave our spacious Queen,

Long live our Global Queen,
God shave the Queen,
Send her some flatulence,
Rear end like Orpheus,
Song to strain over us!
God shave the Queen.

Thy grossest hairs we swore,

On her be greased some more,

The Hatter - 15
Against the grain.
Profound hali – tosis,
How great her nasal drips,
All thy mucus we miss,
God shave the Queen!

No! NO! I didn't want- she deserves so much better than that! Sometimes I despise the way
Wonderland twists one's words. Because Moira, she's not like that. She's kind, and patient, and saw all
this good in me which, apparently, I didn't have. Moira never got angry, not ever. And for some reason,
that infuriated me. Ever the stoic.

No, the only thing the Queen of Hearts and Moira really have in common is that THEY ARE NOT HERE!
And that I am never going to see either of them again! Because they don't want to see me!
Wonderland kicked me out! Moira took Sara and fled! And-

AUDIO: 15 – Moira's Message (Full)

The Hatter tries to keep the message out, tries not to hear it, tries to hide from it, then lets it sink in.

MOIRA (audio )
Earnest, I still believe you are a good man. At least, you were a good man when I married you. I still
remember that day when you took me in that horse-drawn carriage in the park. And, you'd set up a
picnic in the back. And when I opened up the basket, I found a ring. And I thought, yes, this is the man
I should marry. Sure, he has his demons, but, but you can help him. I thought, I could change you. I'm
sorry, but I just can't deal with it anymore. When you drink... ... Sara deserves a sober, loving father.
Not someone she's afraid of. Not someone who causes her to hide in her closet when he drinks
because he can't control his temper. Don't follow us. I'm filing divorce papers in the morning. Go find
some peace.

HATTER
She left me that message while I was out at some bar. Judge me. All of you. Judge me. I deserve it.
Surely you know my story by now. A hundred of these stories in every small town. The underemployed
man who spends his evenings at the bottom of a case of beer, lets the alcohol ferment and stew with
his own feelings of inadequacy until something sets him off – a... a... a... a spark. A dropped plate. A
sniff of the air. Any acknowledgement of the mess that he has become. Then yelling, a shove, a smack.
What a brute. Lock him up.

So I did. I locked him up. Locked him up in here (knocks head). Pushed Earnest so far back until there
was only, The Hatter. Moira always thought too much of Earnest. He could never live up to that. And
he could see her slipping away anyway, no matter what he did. He was going to lose her. So why not
have another drink. Have another drink, a fog for your worries. Have another drink, now you've an
excuse for why you're such a useless wreck. You know you can't change the future, so why not have
another drink.

The Hatter - 16
No. Earnest P. Whitmore should have died the day The Hatter was born! How dare Earnest come back!
Earnest should be DEAD! LONG LIVE THE HATTER!

So... we need to kill Earnest P. Whitmore.

I need two of you to help me. If there is any magic of Wonderland left in this place, we shall summon a
Jabberwock to swallow Earnest whole so that only The Hatter remains! Please. Just two. I need you.
Thank you.

Get them suited up.

HATTER
Appropriate lights, please.

Lights go red.

HATTER
Alright. On the count of three, you will swallow Earnest P. Whitmore whole, so that only The Hatter
lives on! Alright. One... two... well, I should clear a bit of space. Wait, back up to the far end so you can
charge at me. Right. WAIT! You know, if we are going to do this right, we may as well make this
entertaining. For the audience. Right? Let's stage a fight, not an execution! The death of Earnest P.
Whitmore! The rebirth of The Hatter! A proper battle!

Hatter suits up with plastic knife and mask.

My vorpal blade. Yes, it's a plastic knife. I'm sticking with a theatrical motif here. Technesius - battle
music!

AUDIO: 16 - Beyond Good And Evil – Dancing with Domz (extended)

LIGHTS: Red lights flash on and off in battle mode. Have fun with it!

HATTER (shouting atop the music)

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came.
(Come at me!)
Swing with your right claw! Your left claw! Hah! Missed me!
(possible dodging by diving under/between the Jabberwock's legs moment, depending on
volunteers.)
HAH! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Come around! Face me, fearsome fiend! Wait right there- And now, right at the brink, in an instant,
Earnest P. Whitmore witnesses everything flash before his eyes, every regret, every mistake, every

The Hatter - 17
fear, every kiss, every thing, every one... And Earnest P. Whitmore wants... to live! I WANT TO LIVE!
HAH! JABBERWOCK, YOU FACE THE MIGHT OF EARNEST P. WHITMORE, AND I SHALL SLAY THEE!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
(can you fall down dead? Thanks.)
He left it dead, and with its head
(I'm just going to take the head)
He went galumphing back!

(Okay, you can sit back down now. Please, applaud them for their valiant fight.)

AUDIO: FADE OUT DANCING WITH DOMZ BATTLE MUSIC.

LIGHTS: either go to spotlight (if possible), or back to normal.

HATTER
Well, I suppose we learned two things from that. One, ________(unique to how the Jabberwock was
that day). And two... Earnest wants to live. I... want to live. Hunh.

AUDIO: FADE IN: 17 - Chris Appelhans – Tailight Ocean (Abbreviated)

HATTER
The big question on everyone's minds I'm sure, is WHY. Why would a man whose wife and daughter
love him let himself sink so low in his self-loathing to the point where he actively shoves them away.
All I can tell you is that I think everyone is afflicted with a whispering urge to escape. To escape
everyone's expectations and just disappear. And if you listen to that urge, then perhaps you'll find
yourself slowly, quietly, pulling away from the people and the obligations around you. And if you pull
back far enough, perhaps one day you too will find a Wonderland to fall into. To keep you, to distract
you, for a time. But eventually, I suppose, everyone wakes up.

Moira, I don't blame you for taking Sara away. You wanted to protect your little princess. But please
allow me to feel upset. To miss her. My little Sara.

I have not seen thy sunny face,

nor heard thy silver laughter:
No thought of me shall find a place
in thy young life's hereafter --

A tale begun in other days,

when summer suns were glowing --
A simple chime, that served to time
the rhythm of our rowing--
Whose echoes live in memory yet,
though wondrous years would say 'forget.'

The Hatter - 18
And, though the shadow of a sigh,
May tremble in my throat,
for happy summer days gone by
and the father that you're owed--
I shall not touch, with woeful plea,
your new-found life out there without me.

AUDIO: Taillight Ocean will have ended by now.

Thank you all for coming here to help me. Thank you... Alice. The Hatter can keep his Wonderland. It's
time for Earnest, for me, to find my way, in this world. Thank you.

Lights down.

AUDIO: 18 - Balthrop, Alabama – Electricity. Let it play for five seconds before bringing the lights back
up.

Lights up for a bow.

And then I thank the audience for coming! Lower the audio volume while I talk to them, then boost it
back up as they leave.

Then the post-show music (the rest of AUDIO 18, then 19 and 20) while people are still around and we
clean up, until it's time to put away the sound equipment. :)

Thanks!

Lighting Notes:

- Blue/dark on intro.
 Spotlight DCS or just REALLY STRONG LIGHT ATTACKING A SPECIFIC PART OF THE STAGE at
Moira's Message (the full section)
 Dim lights / go blue on Moira's message sections, EXCEPT for the first one.
 Cheshire = purple.
 Queen = red.
 Butterfly + Tea Party = Green.
 Albatross story = Sepia.
 Poem = sunny sunny sunny!
 Play with house lights. Nice to keep them part-way up for all but Moira's messages, the

The Hatter - 19
albatross story, and perhaps other moments.

The Hatter - 20