TITUS! The Light and Delightful Comedy of Titus Andronicus - by Andrew Wade and Jenny Andersen

TITUS!
The Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus 1
Hello! Thank you for your interest in this play!
If you would like to produce this show yourself, please contact me at actorwade@gmail.com so we can get you all the
music and any support you need! As I worked on this show with others, we'll need to figure out some sort of
donation/payment for the rights to perform the show, but we'll make it happen!
Your donation allows us more time to create new works!
Cheers and thank yous,

Andrew Wade
TITUS!
The Light and Delightful
Musical Comedy
of Titus Andronicus
Book by Andrew Wade

Music by Jenny Andersen
Lyrics by Andrew Wade and Jenny Andersen
August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

TITUS! The Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus 2
CHARACTERS:
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Pretty decent playwright

TITUS ANDRONICUS: Retiring Roman General
MARCUS ANDRONICUS: Titus's brother (played by either gender)
SATURNINUS: The former emperor's eldest son
BASSIANUS: The former emperor's youngest son
LAVINIA ANDRONICUS: Titus's daughter
LUCIUS ANDRONICUS: Titus's eldest son, a soldier (played by a woman)
QUINTUS ANDRONICUS: Titus's son, a soldier (played by a woman)
MARTIUS ANDRONICUS: Titus's son, a soldier (played by a woman)
MUTIUS ANDRONICUS: Titus's son, a soldier (played by a woman)
TAMORA: Former queen of the Goths
CHIRON: Tamora's son, a Goth
DEMETRIUS: Tamora's son, a Goth
ALARBUS: Tamora's son, a Goth
AARON: A moor, one of the Goths. Also, a journalist
named Harrison.
SOLDIER 01: A nameless Roman soldier
SOLDIER 02: A nameless Roman soldier
FIRST GOTH: A nameless Gothic soldier
SECOND GOTH: A nameless Gothic soldier
THIRD GOTH: A nameless Gothic soldier
THE NURSE: A Roman nurse
THE PUPPETEER: A puppeteer
UNNAMED ATTENDANT Dies quickly
*******************
Lights up on WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

SONG: The Light And Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus
(At first, this song is sprecken-songed)

SHAKESPEARE
Most playwrights have a favourite work, dearest to their heart,
a show they are most proud of, each word a work of art,
but to the wider crowd, that show just won't connect,
A play that never get its due respect.

I'm grateful you all know me, that my plays still have such reach,
even if it's somewhat odd that you perform me on a beach,
but for all your classic seasons, where is my dearest play?
Where is Titus Andronicus today?
(Other actors appear and reenact scenes as each play is referred to.)
Twelfth Night's too oft cross-gartered,

Romeo won’t die,
there’s no storm left in The Tempest,
Midsummer has gone by,
(terrible things happen to actors as the Scottish play's name is stated.)
And Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth,

Macbeth, Macbeth galore.
Even a play that's bloody cursed, it seems
is doomed to sleep no more.
Directors take to Hamlet,

if they're mad or just depressed,
and All's Well with a comedy,
to put attendance at its best,
but so few care for Titus,

he rarely gets to play,
'the show is too barbaric',
'the crowds will stay away',
What would you people want?

To love it as I do?
That's when I had a brainstorm
for a path I could pursue,
A kinder, gentler Titus,

but bigger, brighter too!
A show worthy of Broadway,
though I guess this dump will do,
SHAKESPEARE
Beauteous ladies, attentive men, children who shouldn't be here, may I proudly present to you, The
Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus!

(Music shifts)
(SATURNINUS takes to centrestage, with SOLDIER 01 behind him. Soldier 01 has a large Roman
numeral for '1' on their red-shirted costume.)
SATURNINUS
What a glorious day in Rome!
What a chance to get ahead!
For this very morn, my dear ol' dad,
the emperor is dead!
Patrons, citizens, align yourselves with me!
I deserve to take the empery!
(BASSIANUS takes stage focus, with SOLDIER 02 behind him. Soldier 02 has a large Roman
numeral for '2' on their red-shirted costume.)
BASSIANUS
What a tragic time in Rome!
Any day a daddy dies!
Don't listen to my brother,
I'm the one to recognize!
Hearken to me friends whom I hold dearest as I sing!
Our noble Rome deserves a gentler king!
SHAKESPEARE
Come all and lend an ear for this tale that you hear,
Or a tongue, or hand, that's fine with us,
We humbly hope for laughs at these gory epitaphs,
ALL
The Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus!
(TITUS ANDRONICUS bursts through the audience doors, carrying a corpse over one shoulder.)
TITUS
I am Ti-
SHAKESPEARE
Not yet!
TITUS
Oh. Sorry.

(Titus retreats back through the door.)

(LAVINIA takes stage focus.)
LAVINIA
Ever since my father left
to fight the Goths abroad,
I've had no one tell me how to live,
which makes life rather hard.
MARCUS
Titus now belongs at home
with you, my lov'ed niece,
for he must take on a diff'rent role
if Rome is to find peace.
SHAKESPEARE
When folks think of this play, they resolve to stay away,
too much blood and smut and death and guts, they fuss,
but never all you fear,
we'll have you grinning ear to ear,
ALL
in The Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus!
(TITUS ANDRONICUS bursts through the audience doors, carrying a corpse over one shoulder.)
TITUS
Where I will-
SHAKESPEARE
No! Look, we've got the end of this song and a whole other scene before you come in.
TITUS
Are you certain?
SHAKESPEARE
Yes!
TITUS
Pardon my error, then.
(complaining to an audience member, then grumbling on as he leaves)

Just figured, my name being the title of the show, I might be part of the opening song, not like I'm
carrying a body, not like he's heavy, nope, ignore me...
SHAKESPEARE
Now with a proud and fatherly heart, I shall let you players start,
(to cast)
Call to places! Begin our story thus!
Me, I have editing to do,
so now, I leave you…
With Bassianus,
And Saturninus,
And Marcus,
And SOON Andronicus,
with his sons: Lucius,
and Quintus,
and Mutius,
And Martius,
SHAKESPEARE (aside to audience member)

Roman parents, amiright?
ALL
And the rest of us!
SHAKESPEARE
In the Light and Delightful Musical Comedy,
ALL
It's the Light and Delightful Musical Comedy,
SHAKESPEARE
That’s right!
MEN WOMEN
In the Light and Delightful Musical Comedy, the Light and Delightful Musical Comedy
SHAKESPEARE & ALL

of Titus Andronicuuuuuuuuuuus!
of Titus Andronicuuuuuuuuuuus!
of Titus Andronicuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!
SHAKESPEARE

Don't screw it up!
Actors filter offstage, leaving SATURNINUS, BASSIANUS, SOLDIER 01, and SOLDIER 02.
Saturninus and Bassianus (and their soldiers) try to curry the favour of the audience. The
soldiers have signs with them.
SATURNINUS
Noble patricians, you intelligent, good-looking people, I ask you to vote for me!
I am the late emperor's first-born son, the true empery.
We will make Rome great again!
Let my father's honours live long in me!
Soldier 01 holds up a 'CHEER!' sign to the audience.
BASSIANUS
Companions, you considerate and kind-hearted people, vote for me!
I, the younger son, will get things done.
Let's build a future we believe in!
Vote Bassianus for a fresh, bold start!
SATURNINUS
Lovers of Saturninus, if justice holds,
Plead my successive title with your swords,
not wrong mine age with his indignity!
Soldier 01 holds up a 'CHEER!' sign and their sword.

Soldier 02 holds up a 'BOOO!' sign.
BASSIANUS
Swords? If ever Bassianus, Caesar's youthful son,
Were welcomed by the hands of royal Rome,
Then suffer not his dishonour to the crown.

Soldier 01 holds up a 'BOOO!' sign and points their sword at Soldier 02.
Enter MARCUS ANDRONICUS.
MARCUS
Boys, what did I tell you about mobs? What did I say?

SATURNINUS
Yes, Marcus, but he-
MARCUS
Sure, mobs are cute when they're small and cuddly, but I don't think you understand what kind of
commitment it is to have a mob.
BASSIANUS
Marcus, I was just trying to-
MARCUS
Are you going to feed them? Clean up when they make a mess? Because I'm not going to. No mobs.
You hear me?
SATURNINUS + BASSIANUS (sheepishly)

… no mobs...
MARCUS
And you don't need one anyway.
(to both the brothers and the crowd)
For I have spoken to the senate, and the people of Rome, for whom we stand, have, in election for
our empery, chosen my brother and your General, Titus Andronicus!
Everyone looks to the audience door anxiously, but it doesn't open. They breathe a collective,
brief sigh of relief, then continue with the scene.
SATURNINUS
Already?
MARCUS
Yes.
SATURNINUS
They've voted already?
MARCUS
Yes.
SATURNINUS
And they chose your brother.
MARCUS
Yes.

SATURNINUS
Then what's even the point of making a mob?
MARCUS (To the crowds)

Titus Andronicus.
A nobler man, a braver warrior,
lives not this day within the city walls.
BASSIANUS SATURNINUS
But, but, but, but, but, but- How'd you rig that?
MARCUS (to the crowd, ignoring Saturninus)

Titus, by the senate is now brought home
from weary wars against the barbarous Goths.
That, with his sons, a terror to our foes,
hath yoked a nation strong, train'd up in arms.
Ten years are spent since he first undertook
this cause of Rome. Five times since he hath return'd,
bleeding, bearing twenty valiant sons
in coffins from the field. Backstory.
SATURNINUS
He knows how to get his children killed. Woooo. Big deal.
MARCUS
And now returns good Andronicus to Rome.
SATURNINUS
Maybe Titus just pushed them out in front of him. 'Son, make your father proud', ooof! While he
buggered off.
MARCUS
Withdraw you two, and your men. Your new emperor approaches the city.
Saturninus and Bassianus wave away their soldiers. Soldiers exit. Marcus exits.
SONG – Lavinia! (interspersed with dialogue.)
BASSIANUS (who sings Lavinia's name whenever he says it)

That's not so bad. If Titus becomes the new emperor, and I marry his daughter Lavinia!, then I will be
son-in-law to the emperor!

SATURNINUS
Lavinia? You like her?
BASSIANUS (singing)
Of course! She is a beauty! Divine! She is... Lavinia! Lavinia, Lavinia, Lavinia! Lavinia!
SATURNINUS
Yes. Yes she is. But isn't she a bit...
Song-y bit here with Bassianus's next lines being punched with individual guitar chords.
BASSIANUS
Radiant? Adoring?
SATURNINUS
No-
BASSIANUS
Fragile? Feminine?
SATURNINUS
I was thinking... quiet. Poorly written?
BASSIANUS
Lavinia! I've found my perfect wife! All sugar-
SATURNINUS
Not much spice.
BASSIANUS
But all things nice.
SATURNINUS
She's two-dimensional!
BASSIANUS
Lavinia, shows respect for a man,
She will give him all that he commands.
SATURNINUS
That! She doesn't have a single thought of her own!

BASSIANUS
Loyal to the core, she-
SATURNINUS
Stop turning this into a song!
BASSIANUS
When I marry her, I am going to sing all day and night, and you can't stop me. Lavinia! Lavinia!
Lavinia! Lavinia!
SATURNINUS
Don't be a twit.
Marcus re-enters.
MARCUS
I said withdraw! Both of you, to your rooms, NOW.
Bassianus and Saturninus exit.

Titus pokes his head in. Sound of war drums.
TITUS
Now?
Marcus stares at him.

Titus closes the door.
SONG – Rome - A slow march to match the trudging pace of these army 'men', wearily
returning to war. Titus opens the audience door, body of one of his sons slung over one soldier.
His 'sons' MARTIUS, MUTIUS, LUCIUS, and QUINTUS enter behind him. They all look exhausted,
dejected, filthy. They are also clearly female actors pretending to be male characters. TAMORA
and AARON trail behind them, hands tied in front of them, handcuff style. Aaron holds a script.
TITUS
A decade I have fought
our campaign now for naught,
why was I called home?
I've lost twenty sons,
no, make that twenty-one,
In defence of this my home. Rome.

MARTIUS
Our father we'd follow
QUINTUS
Into the depths below
MUTIUS
The fam'ly catacomb!
LUCIUS
For we are still his sons,
together 'til we're done.
I'm just glad to be back home.
LUCIUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS, and QUINTUS

Rome!
Still we hear each haunting sound
from that bloody battleground.
We hope our dad is proud of us
as we return to Rome!
TAMORA
Once a queen, now mocked and chained,
Well, I hope they're entertained.
MARCUS
Brother, we are glad to see,
Such a noble sight as thee.
TITUS LUCIUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS, and QUINTUS

A decade I have fought We've remained civilized,
our campaign now for naught, though we're all traumatized,
why was I called home? We are soldiers, we are sons,
I've lost twenty sons, and we're glad we're now in Rome!
no, make that twenty-one,
In defence of this my home. Rome.
TITUS no, make that twenty-one, LUCIUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS, and

A decade I have fought In defence of this my home. QUINTUS
our campaign now for naught, Rome. Still we hear each haunting sound
why was I called home? from that bloody battleground.
I've lost twenty sons, We are soldiers, we are sons,

and we're glad we're now in TAMORA

Rome! Once a queen, now mocked and MARCUS
chained, Noble Titus, not just myself, but
well, I hope they're entertained. all of Rome greets you!
MARCUS
Brother, don't be mad with me,
We have such a need for thee.
TITUS
Now I bury one more son...
I pray my work for Rome is done.
Confetti cannon blasts Titus. MARCUS pulls out a party blower noisemaker and makes a noise.
Lucius, Martius, Quintus, and Mutius cheer about being home.
MARCUS
Brother! So good to see you. You have no idea how hard it has been to maintain order in the palace
while the emperor has been ill. And are these? So tall! My nephews!
LUCIUS (adjusting her voice to be low)

Yep! Nephews. Yes. We are all male characters here.
LUCIUS, MARTIUS, QUINTUS (in put-on lowered voices – divvy up the lines, ad-lib)
Yep! Yep. You betcha, slugger. Men men men. Barbecues! Scratching. Football! Men.
LUCIUS
Yep, we're all men around here, aside from her.
(gesture to Tamora)
Manly, manly men.
TAMORA
It is a wonder how Rome could be so bereft of female characters.
MARCUS
We men make do as we must.
TAMORA
Wait, are you a man too?
TITUS
My salutations to Rome!

I salute this country with my tears.

Romans, of five and twenty valiant sons,
behold the poor remains, alive and dead!
This one, poor, misfortuned Inconsequentius,
whom I alone have carried forth from foreign field to familial rest,
I will now bury among his ancestors.
MARCUS
But first, brother, are these your barbarian prisoners?
TITUS
These and more. Bring in her wild children!
Lucius nods 'his' head to Mutius and Martius. They head off to the audience entrance,
returning with DEMETRIUS, CHIRON, and ALARBUS. Marcus leaves the stage.
The three Goths resemble a version of The Three Stooges, with Demetrius as Moe, Alarbus as
Larry, and Chiron as Curly. Alarbus is an Avenue-Q-esque puppet (with arms and legs),
controlled by THE PUPPETEER. Demetrius's, Chiron's, and Alarbus's right hands are in
manacles, chained onto a horizontal pole that connects them, creating a sort of a chain gang.
They walk forward with very, very small steps.
TITUS
Get the prisoners to hurry up.
MUTIUS (to Demetrius)

Hurry up.
DEMETRIUS (to Alarbus, beside him)

Hurry up.
Demetrius attempts to pull group along with his manacled right hand, succeeding only in
causing Alarbus's right hand to slap him in the face, and Chiron's right hand to slap Alarbus in
the face.
DEMETRIUS and ALARBUS

Ow!
ALARBUS (to Chiron)

Hurry up!
Alarbus attempts to pull Chiron forward the same way, causing Chiron to hit Alarbus in the
face.

ALARBUS
Ow!
CHIRON (to Martius)

Hurry up!
Chiron waits for a moment for someone to get hurt, but no one does. He grins. Martius slaps
him with his free hand. The stooges step forward.
TITUS
Now, if you'll excuse me, my child's body must be attended to. Brother, I shall let you handle the
prisoners. I have carried poor Inconsequentius for over a week, and-
LUCIUS (to the crowd's benefit)

Father, to appease the spirits of Romans lost to these barbarians,
such as those of our brothers,
give us and the crowd the proudest prisoner of the Goths,
that we may hew and sacrifice his flesh.
CHIRON
You want the proudest? Well, mom's the most proudest of me!
Chiron attempts to poke Demetrius's eyes. He blocks it with a hand. There may be
opportunities for more chain gags here.
DEMETRIUS
Nuh uh! She's the most proudest of me!
Demetrius attempts to poke Chiron's eyes. He blocks it with a hand.
ALARBUS
You idiots! You don't want to be the most proudest!
(beat.)
And you couldn't be anyway, because she's the most proudest of me.
Titus points to Alarbus.
TITUS
I give you him, the noblest that survives.
Martius and Mutius hold back Demetrius and Chiron. Quintus unlocks the manacles,

separating Alarbus from the rest. Lucius draws his sword.
TITUS
Now if you excuse me, my son's body began to smell about five days back. There are maggots.
Tamora falls to her knees before Titus.
TAMORA
Stay, Roman brethren! Gracious conqueror, victorious Titus...
If ever your 'sons' were dear to you, think my son to be as dear to me!
You have captured us, chained us, imprisoned us, and carried us for many weeks! Now you want to
kill us? Why? We are entirely beneath your power. Show mercy.
TITUS (to Lucius)

If I allow you a sacrifice, may I go bury your brother?
Lucius nods.
TITUS
So be it.
TAMORA
No!
LUCIUS
Thank you, father. A balancing act of retribution for my brothers now passed beyond the veil.
TAMORA
I will not forget this!
ALARBUS
WAIT!
SONG -- Spotlight on Alarbus, everyone else, in darkness, frozen.
ALARBUS
Am I sentenced to die?
Music swells.
ALARBUS
I used to think I was a special man...
Destined for special things...

When I was just a child, I dreamed that one day, I would be a-
(Lucius cuts the song short by cutting off one of Alarbus's limbs. Sprays of red ribbon?)
ALARBUS
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Lights up everywhere, people break out of their frozen state.
ALARBUS
Why would you-
Lucius cuts off another limb.
ALARBUS
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Alarbus wobbles about from lack of blood, and then collapses, face first.
LUCIUS
Be at peace, brothers.
TITUS
Right. Burying time-
Alarbus springs back to life.
ALARBUS
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Lucius cuts off another limb, more ribbon blood, then hits Alarbus in the head with the butt of
his sword/knife.
Pause.
TAMORA
O cruel, irreligious-
ALARBUS (springing back to life)

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
TITUS (to puppeteer)

Oh, give me that.

Titus takes the Alarbus puppet off the puppeteer's arm, throws it offstage. The puppeteer looks
rather crestfallen. Leaves the stage. Marcus hesitantly picks up the bodyparts.
MARCUS
Do you want these back?
Marcus, with the bodyparts, follows the puppeteer offstage.
CHIRON
He may be dead, but we ain't!
Chiron moves at Titus, quickly restrained by soldiers.
TITUS
Do you threaten me?
Chiron backs down. Titus looks at Demetrius.
What about you? Or you, Tamora?
TAMORA
Of course not.
TITUS
What about you, ominously silent black fellow?
Lucius coughs loudly.
TITUS
What?
LUCIUS
Ex-nay on the ack-blay.
TITUS
Why? He is bla-
LUCIUS
Yes, but we're hardly a post-racial society here. It just isn't socially consciable to highlight the fact that
we only have one Moor here on the stage with us.
AARON
I'm sorry, but I-

LUCIUS
Don't worry, we've got this.
AARON
I can speak for myself.
(looking toward offstage, gesturing at script)
Shouldn't I have a line here?
SHAKESPEARE (entering)
Hold!
(everyone onstage stops what they're doing. Shakespeare leads Aaron to downstage center.)
Come here. Alright, everyone in the audience, this is Harry.
AARON/HARRISON
It's Harrison.
SHAKESPEARE
Can everyone say, 'Hello, Harry!'
AARON/HARRISON
But it's Harrison. It's not-
SHAKESPEARE (with audience for the 'Hello Harry' portion)

'Hello, Harry!' Now I understand that around here there are sensitivities around making sure that
people are playing the correct ethnicities! No blackface on this stage! So to satisfy you, we searched
high and low, far and wide, to bring for your theatre-going pleasure a genuine bonafide black guy.
AARON/HARRISON
(to Shakespeare)
You make me sound like an attraction at a zoo.
SHAKESPEARE
Ha! Interesting analogy! Now, it is HARD to find someone with such a skill for being black as Harry
here possesses. Never mind in musical theatre! And to be honest, we couldn't do it; Harry here is not
a very good actor.
AARON/HARRISON
I've never tried to act before.
SHAKESPEARE
Cute! So please, give him some latitude tonight. After all, his real job is uh... what do you do?

AARON/HARRISON
I'm a journalist.
SHAKESPEARE
He writes in a journal.
AARON/HARRISON
No, I actually have a job with-
SHAKESPEARE
No one cares!
HARRISON (to audience)

You people know what you're laughing at, right?
TITUS
If you don't mind, I am still carrying a corpse. Are you done speaking to the slave?
SHAKESPEARE (while exiting)

Yes, yes. Good work, Harry!
AARON/HARRISON
My character is far more than a slave-
TITUS
Your character hasn't had a single line yet. Ergo, slave. Now, if there is nothing else-
Marcus enters with Saturninus, Bassianus, and Lavinia. Marcus holds a white robe and the
spiffy crown.
MARCUS (playing up to the crowd)

Noble Titus Andronicus-
TITUS
Oh, for Caesar's sake! What now?
MARCUS
The people of Rome,
Whose friend in justice thou hast ever been,
Send thee, by me, their tribune and their trust,
This palliament of white and spotless hue,
And name thee in election for our empire.

TITUS
What?
MARCUS
You have been named our new emperor.
BASSIANUS
Congrats!
TITUS
No.
MARCUS
No?
TITUS
No. I'm retiring. Can't someone else do it?
BASSIANUS
Noble Titus, I would make a proud and dutiful emperor. If you choose me-
SATURNINUS
He wants to sleep with your daughter.
Titus turns to Bassianus.
BASSIANUS
She's a lovely-
TITUS
I choose Lord Saturninus for your emperor.
BASSIANUS (to Saturninus)

You never let me have anything nice!
SATURNINUS (who mockingly sings Lavinia's name as part of this line)

No, I don't. Speaking of which, Lavinia.
Saturninus snaps his fingers. Lavinia approaches.
BASSIANUS (singing)

Lavinia Lavinia Lavinia!
LAVINIA
Yes?
SATURNINUS
Lavinia, as your new emperor, I will make you my empress,
Rome's royal mistress, holder of my... heart.
Andronicus, does this motion please thee?
TITUS
Yes, my emperor, you honour my family. Now may I go?
Saturninus waves him away.
TITUS (muttering)
Some days you just can't get rid of a body.
Titus FINALLY exits with the body that has been slung over his shoulder this entire time.
Marcus exits with him.
BASSIANUS
But, but, but... You're just marrying her out of spite!
SATURNINUS
Yep!
BASSIANUS
You don't care about her at all!
SATURNINUS
She's kinda hot.
BASSIANUS
But Lavinia and I... we're the ingenues!
SATURNINUS
I don't know what that word means.
BASSIANUS
It means Lavinia and I were destined to be together!

SATURNINUS
Oh, does it? Brother, as your emperor, let me break this down for you.
(SONG – What I Want. With Titus's sons providing backup vocals.)

Funky intro.
SATURNINUS
It seems you're really in a spot,
With what you have and haven't got,
And this lady here, this darling dear, is she what you really want?
BASSIANUS
Lavinia!
SATURNINUS
Stop.
What I want, is what I want, is what I'll get,
Brother dear, you seem to be a bit upset,
Don't you cry, 'cause I can make your dreams come true,
But that sure as hell ain't what I'm gonna do,
BACKUP
Gonna do!
SATURNINUS
I can take the top bunk,
steal Lavinia for my bride,
eat ice cream for dinner,
with fried ostrich on the side.
Yes ice cream for dinner,

and for breakfast too,
and not just one scoop
but the whole tub through
and no one, not no one, not certainly you
is ever gonna tell me what to do!
TAMORA (to Aaron)

What we want is what we want is what we'll get,
even now we are the Empire's greatest threat!
He is weak-willed, and an idiotic bore!
Watch me show him what a Gothic booty's for!

BACKUP
Booty's for!
(Tamora physically seduces Saturninus. Aaron is impressed.)
BACKUP
Oooooo!
Oooooo!
SATURNINUS
What I want, is what I want, is what I'll get,
seems to me, I hadn't seen your smile yet,
you know the king can be as crass as he desires,
shake that royal ass, and set my loins on fire.
BACKUP
Loins on fire!
Oooooo!
(Music break. Cut to Lavinia.)
SATURNINUS
Lavinia, is this not a dream come true?
LAVINIA
Is it?
SATURNINUS
Yes.
LAVINIA
Okay.
(Saturninus turns back to Tamora. They make out.)
BASSIANUS
What I want is more than surface level lust,
I want romance and a friendship built on trust,
a fabled life, an epic fairy tale,
A forest home, a garden gnome, a roasting quail.

He won't let me be happy in this place,

my brother is a violent poopy-face;
if I stay, I fear there may be fratricide,
so I'll run off with Lavinia for my bride!
BACKUP
For his bride!
BASSIANUS
And Lavinia, what do you want?
LAVINIA (shrugging)
I'm good either way. You men will figure it out.
TAMORA
We need to talk about feminism one day.
(Bassianus takes Lavinia's hand and they rush to leave the stage... only to be stopped by Titus,
who re-enters, without Inconsequentius's body.)
TITUS
You can't disobey the law,
No one disobeys the law,
Saturninus is the law,
Obey.
(Bassianus and Lavinia escape another way.)
MUTIUS
Brothers, help to convey them away!
With my sword I'll keep this door safe.
MUTIUS
What I want, is for my dad to be proud of me,
MARTIUS
Me too!
QUINTUS
Me three!
MUTIUS

I'll stand for what is right, and then one day he'll see-
MUTIUS
Father, let them go!-
(Mutius grabs Titus to restrain him. Titus stabs Mutius as he resists being restrained.)
Whaaaat?
(Mutius crumbles. Music slows further. Lucius rushes in and cradles Mutius's body.)
LUCIUS
Father, no!
LUCIUS
What do I want? What could I want? Just stay with me,
My youngest brother, seems you can still sit on my knee,
Come rest a while,
Show me your smile,
dream happy dreams.
Our father's been too long a soldier so it seems.
BACKUP
Oooooo!
Oooooo!
SATURNINUS
What I want is what I want is what I said,
Rome in hand and Goth girls naked in my bed.
Kneel on down before your greatest dream come true
'cause I'm the baddest, fiercest, grandest, strongest,
Largest, proudest, boldest, loudest,
smartest, hardest, do-my-partist,
talented and charming Caesar ...
that ever happened to you!
Yeah!
LUCIUS
How could you?
TITUS
What, Lucius? You too would oppose the emperor's wishes? Then not thou, nor they, are any sons of
mine.
Titus raises his sword to strike at Lucius. Saturninus comes up, Tamora on Saturninus's arm.

SATURNINUS
Woah! Hold on one itsy bitsy moment. Why so angry?
TITUS
They would have spirited your bride away from you!
SATURNINUS
My bride being...
TITUS
My daughter, Lavinia!
SATURNINUS
Eh, changed my mind.
TITUS
What?
SATURNINUS
I've decided to marry Tamora. I'm a sucker for the exotic type.
(Laughs.)
TITUS
Then this violence was for naught? These words are razors to my wounded heart.
Shakespeare enters.
SHAKESPEARE
Hold!
Aaron fetches a chair from offstage so he can sit down, as he has nothing to do.
SHAKESPEARE
I promised our patrons a light and delightful musical comedy! Where's the funny?
TITUS
My child has died. Perhaps jokes are not appropriate at this time.
SHAKESPEARE
No, that's not it... Ah! I know!
(Shakespeare pulls out a red clown nose and puts it on Titus's face.)

There we go! Everyone loves a clown!
Titus looks at Shakespeare.
TITUS
Why must you encumber me so?
SHAKESPEARE
Come, Titus, get in the spirit!
TITUS
And whose spirit is that?
SHAKESPEARE
Comedy! Don't be such a Gloomy Gus. If this play is to find an audience it needs more... Levity!
Smiles! Fun! Stand up, Harry! Oooh! And the rest of you! I know! Have a wedding! Nothing bad ever
comes from a wedding!
Shakespeare exits. Aaron reluctantly returns the chair to offstage. Titus now wears that clown
nose for the rest of the show.
SATURNINUS
Lovely Tamora, Queen of Goths, what say you?
I will make thee empress of Rome.
TAMORA (kneeling before Saturninus)

If Saturnine advance the Queen of Goths,
she will a handmaid be to his desires.
In a cisgender white male dominated world,
you, my dear, are the CIS-iest of them all.
SATURNINUS
Why, thank you. Ascend, fair queen.
Come, let us consummate our spousal rites.
If you know what I mean.
Exeunt all but Titus, Lucius, Mutius's corpse, and Aaron. Aaron pulls out a deck of cards and
starts playing solitaire on the floor.
LUCIUS
Father Titus,
My brother Mutius, your former son,

he deserves to be buried beside his fallen brothers in our family tomb.
TITUS
Mutius is no son of mine! He is a traitor! To the crown and to myself!
(Titus rips off the clown nose.)
I will not-
Shakespeare pops onstage and points at Titus.
SHAKESPEARE
NOSE!
Titus puts the nose back on.
TITUS
Fine. Bury him where you will. But I'm not carrying the body.
Shakespeare exits. Lucius exits, carrying Mutius's body.

Enter Saturninus, Tamora, Demetrius, and Chiron from one side of the stage. Bassianus and
Lavinia enter from the other side. Titus kneels before Saturninus. Tamora and Saturninus
straighten their clothes.
TAMORA
That was...
SATURNINUS
Legendary?
TAMORA
Efficient.
SATURNINUS
The most efficient.
TAMORA
Okay.
DEMETRIUS (gesturing to Lavinia)

Take a look at that broad!
CHIRON
Lavinia don't look so broad to me.

SATURNINUS
Little brother! Why have you returned?
BASSIANUS
To tell you that you're too late to stop us! We just consummated our marriage.
SATURNINUS
Already?
TAMORA
How efficient of you!
BASSIANUS
So now, brother, you cannot marry Lavinia!
TAMORA
Wait, are you two staking claims in women by-
SATURNINUS (to Bassianus)

You are a traitor! Lavinia was mine!
TAMORA
But my dear, you have chosen another.
SATURNINUS (to Tamora)

She was still mine!
(to Bassianus)
If Rome have law or we have power,
Thou and thy faction shall repent this rape.
TAMORA
My dear?
SATURNINUS
Yes?
TAMORA
That is a rather strong word to use.
SATURNINUS
Lavinia was mine and he took her. That is-

TAMORA
I hear you, my lord, however, with your permission, I would like to briefly highlight the notion of
consent within relationships.
SATURNINUS
I did not consent to this rape!
Tamora cringes. Quintus, Martius, Lucius, and Marcus filter back on at some point through the
next section, standing behind Bassianus.
LAVINIA
My empress, calm yourself. If the emperor, or my father, or my husband, or my brothers, or any other
man, say I was raped, then I am happy to agree with their description of what happened.
TAMORA
What? No!
LAVINIA
No?
TAMORA
No!
LAVINIA
No.
TAMORA
No! That is not... How are you... why would you... How are you a thing? How do you exist?
LAVINIA
By the good graces of the men around me.
TAMORA
You are now my least favourite person here.
(gestures to Titus)
And he just had my son butchered.
Enter Shakespeare.
SHAKESPEARE
Sorry to barge in again so soon, but, this ah, this isn't really a 'light comedy' sort of conversation. Tell

you what, how about instead of that ghastly 'R' word, we say... 'Canola'? No... I know! 'Bunnylove'.
TAMORA
Bunnylove?
SHAKESPEARE
Bunnylove! All of you, give it a go! A one, a two, a three:
TAMORA
I am not going to-
ALL (except for Tamora)

Bunnylove.
TAMORA (through clenched teeth)

Bunnylove.
SHAKESPEARE
Hah! Love it!
Exit Shakespeare.
SATURNINUS
That does not change the serious nature of his crime! Or that of Titus, for killing a person without my
permission!
TAMORA
Calm yourself. Be at peace, my love.
SATURNINUS
What, would you forgive them?
TAMORA (quieter, to Saturninus)

You are but newly planted in your throne. Bassianus and Titus are well loved. Slaughter them now and
the common people may revolt.
Tamora turns to the audience. Steps downstage. Lights shift onto her.
TAMORA
But when all is calm, then let me alone:
I'll find a day to massacre them all,
to raze their factions and their families,

the cruel father and his traitorous sons-
MARTIUS, LUCIUS, QUINTUS

Yep! Sons! All sons here!
LAVINIA (waving)
Except for me!
TAMORA
... those to whom I sued for my dear son's life.
I'll make them know what 'tis to let a queen
kneel in the streets and beg in vain.
Chiron walks into her light, look up at the spotlight.
CHIRON
Boy, this is choice! Are you the only one who can do this, or can we?
(out to audience)
I'll get you, Dorothy, and your little dog too-
(Tamora hits him.)
Ow!
Lights shift back.
SATURNINUS
Titus, my empress hath prevailed. We will all be friends here.
BASSIANUS (raising a hand)

All of us? Even the ominously silent black guy?
SATURNINUS
Yes.
LAVINIA
Yay!
AARON/HARRISON
Do I really still not have a line?
TAMORA
Good Andronicus, this day, all quarrels die. Die, dead, dead, dead. So very dead, all those quarrels, in
muddy, shallow, unmarked graves. Prince Bassianus, I will pass my word and promise to the emperor

that in the future you will be more mild and tractable.
LAVINIA
Like me!
TAMORA
I hate you. And for you, Andronicus...es...
Marcus, Lucius, Quintus, Martius, and Titus kneel before Saturninus. Lavinia curtsies.
MARCUS
My family all devote ourselves to your service.
SATURNINUS
Fine. And Lavinia?
LAVINIA (too eagerly)

Yes?
SATURNINUS
Though you left me like a churl, come.
If the emperor's court can feast two brides,
you and Bassianus are my guests, and your friends.
This day shall be a love-day.
TITUS
My lord! If we are to be friends, tomorrow will you hunt the panther and the hart with me?
SATURNINUS
You want me to roam the dangerous forest with you and your rebellious family while you are all
heavily-armed? Sure, why not.
Imperial flourish of trumpets. Exeunt all but Aaron.
AARON/HARRISON
(looking at his script)
I'm going from no lines to this?
Shakespeare enters.
SHAKESPEARE
Hold! Now Harry-

AARON/HARRISON
Harrison.
SHAKESPEARE
Harry, now this will be a bit of a challenge for you! What we have here is called a 'soliloquy'. Now a
'soliloquy' is-
AARON/HARRISON
I know what a-
SHAKESPEARE
A 'soliloquy' is a dramatic speech a character speaks to themselves in a moment of heightened
emotion! It is a chance for an actor to really show off their acting chops! For you... eh. There are a
number of difficult words in here which our patrons may have never heard before, and it is your job
to make the audience really understand! Are you up for the challenge?
AARON/HARRISON
I think I am-
SHAKESPEARE
You need to KNOW you are! Come on, Harry-
AARON/HARRISON
It's Harrison-
SHAKESPEARE
I sort of believe in you! It would be very hard to recast you! Just sound the words out and make-
believe you know what they mean.
AARON/HARRISON
I have a master's degree.
SHAKESPEARE
So does the woman who walks my dog, but I'm not casting her as Aaron. Although actually-
AARON/HARRISON
I'll be fine.
SHAKESPEARE
You've got this, my brother from a different moth-
AARON/HARRISON
No. No.

SHAKESPEARE
Just trying to help!
Shakespeare exits. Harrison turns to the script.
AARON/HARRISION (poorly acted, though he is giving it his best)

Now climbeth Tamora, Olympus' top, and sits aloft,
advanced above pale envy's threatening reach.
Upon her wit doth earthly honour wait,
and virtue stoops and trembles at her frown.
(Aaron stoops down and shakes, trying to understand the line.)
Then, Aaron – that's me - arm thy heart, and fit thy thoughts,
to mount aloft with thy imperial mistress.
'Mount'.
I will be bright, and shine in pearl and gold,
to wait upon this new-made empress.
To wait, said I? To wanton with this queen,
this goddess, this Semiramis, this nymph,
this siren, that will charm Rome's Saturnine,
and see his shipwreck.
Good speech, Harrison.
Demetrius and Chiron enter, bickering, swords brandished.
DEMETRIUS
Lavinia's mine! You ain't gonna have her!
CHIRON
I'll have her before you!
AARON
What storm is this?
CHIRON
I've got a broadsword for her, if you know what I mean!
DEMETRIUS
Yeah, well, mine's a two-hander, if you know what I mean!
CHIRON
Well, mine's a three-hander!

AARON
That's not a real sword.
DEMETRIUS
Well, mine's a bastard sword, or, or, a sword to make a bastard! Eh? Eh?
CHIRON
Mine's a lot rapier!
SHAKESPEARE (entering)
Hey! Too far!
CHIRON
It's a kind of sword.
SHAKESPEARE (exiting)
No! Bad Chiron! Bad! Harry, do something.
AARON
Peace, you lords!
(still poorly acted)
So near the emperor's palace dare you draw?
For shame, put up.
CHIRON
Not until he puts his sword away.
DEMETRIUS
Sure thing. Right into Lavinia!
AARON (whose acting is getting better!)

What, is Lavinia become so loose,
or Bassianus so degenerate,
that for her love such quarrels may be broach'd
Without controlment, justice, or revenge?
CHIRON
Ooooh, big words.
DEMETRIUS
He speaks Gothic.

AARON
So it seems a certain snatch or so would serve your turns?
DEMETRIUS
By snatch he means her-
CHIRON
I get it! I'm no ignoranus!
AARON (really into it now)

For shame, be friends, for I have found the path.
My lords, a solemn hunting is in hand.
There will the lovely Roman ladies troop.
The forest walks are wide and spacious;
and many unfrequented plots there are
fitted by kind for bunnylove and villany.
The woods are ruthless, dreadful, deaf, and dull;
there speak, and strike, brave boys, and take your turns;
there serve your lusts, shadow'd from heaven's eye,
And share in Lavinia's treasury.
DEMETRIUS
Gee whiz, Mr. Aaron. How'd you get so smart?
AARON
A lifetime of subjugation.
DEMETRIUS
That really worked out well for you!
Aaron, Chiron, and Demetrius exit.
SONG – The Hunt / 'Til Death Do Us Part

Beautiful forest music as a puppet of Bambi walks onto the stage, controlled by the puppeteer.
Bambi happily eats grass in a picturesque scene. A tree onstage. Loud 'Twannnnnng' sound
effect. Bambi dies, revealing an arrow stuck in its upstage side as it falls, as though suddenly
shot. The puppeteer looks rather crestfallen again, and sulks offstage.
Enter Titus with a crossbow, with Saturninus, who holds another weapon. They are soon joined
by Lucius, Martius, and Quintus.
TITUS with fellow soldiers side by side,

When you long to feel alive, a unit now, you've got to find the hunt,

SONS Hunt, hunt, hunt!
TITUS SONS
Nothing like a hunting pack
to keep your troubles off your back,
just your bow, the forest and the hunt. Hunt, hunt, hunt!
TITUS
The canopy above you, the earth down below,
without the bloody politics that would quickly make us mad,
MARTIUS
A family, in harmony,
QUINTUS
breathing through our bows,
SATURNINUS
The sport of kings and those whom I command...
(the music drifts into the background as Aaron takes the forefront of the stage, holding a bag
of gold.)
AARON
He that had wit would think that I had none,
to bury so much gold under a tree,
and never after to inherit it.
Know then, that this gold must coin a stratagem,
which, cunningly effected, will beget
a very excellent piece of villainy.
(Aaron/Harrison hides the gold onstage as The Hunt music picks up again.)
TITUS (instructing his sons) SONS

Stay low, don't be the prey,
learn to live another day,
you're the manly men who dare to lead the hunt, Sports! Wrestling! Hunt!
TITUS (to Saturninus) set the trap and lure the bait,
Find your meditative state, join our family tradition of the hunt

SONS
Trucks! Barbecues! Hunt!
TITUS
There is peace in fighting; there is calm in war,
SATURNINUS
in nature you kill them or they kill you,
QUINTUS
And now we're home, in glorious Rome,
MARTIUS
With panther, deer, and boar,
LUCIUS
Why go to war when such a hunt will do?
(The music of The Hunt fades into a loving duet – Til Death Do Us Part – as Bassianus and
Lavinia enter.)
BASSIANUS
I've been bullied, all my life,
subservient, for all I try,
but I am dominant, when I'm with you,
I could groan and sigh and mope,

I'm no ruler, just some dope,
but dopey seems to be enough for you,
'Til death do us part,

you have my whole heart,
with you there is nothing I can't do,
'til death do us part,
let's have our marriage start,
I swear I'll breathe my last breath for you...
LAVINIA
If I had a choice for myself,
that wouldn't offend anyone else,
then my dear one, I would choose you,

You could be the palace clown,

or digging graves outside of town,
and I'd hope I'd get to be with you.

do with it whatever you wish to,
'til death do us part,
a marriage will start,
I'll live the rest of my life with you,
And whatever life throws our way,
BASSIANUS
I'll be by your side until my dying day,
BOTH
do with it whatever you wish to,
a marriage will start,
because darling,
my darling,
I love you.
(The music of the hunt builds up again. The hunters kill another adorable forest creature. The
puppeteer is very upset. The hunters pick up the carcass.)
(Demetrius and Chiron enter in bunny costumes.)
DEMETRIUS SONS
With the bunny in our sight,
we've a furry feast tonight, hows 'bout
a tasty rabbit stew to end the hunt Fights! Blue stuff! Hunt!
CHIRON SONS
There'll be beauty in her cries,
Bunnylove her 'til she dies,
oh we'll savour, yes we'll savour this the hunt Men! Misogyny! Hunt!

CHIRON
Lavinia, nice to see ya; come give my tail a shake,
my carrot thinks yer rabbit hole would make a cozy den!
DEMETRIUS
Cozy is for grannies, a hunt's 'bout what you take,
we'll prove to mom and Aaron that we're men.
(Musical shift. Marcus walks onstage with a picnic basket.)
MARCUS
What a delightful day to be
living in peace and harmony
the state, the world, and my family!
From the redwood to lowly moss!
From common sparrow to albatross!
(Twang of an arrow. A dead albatross – the bird Marcus had been gesturing towards – falls
from the rafters.)
MARCUS
I hope that's not ominous of anything.
(Marcus gets crowded out by the hunters.)
ALL
The hunt, the hunt, the hunt, SONS
When you long to feel alive,
with fellow soldiers side by side,
a unit now, you've got to find the hunt Hunt, hunt, hunt
ALL SONS
Nothing like a hunting pack
to keep your troubles off your back,
just your bow, the forest and the hunt. Hunt, hunt, hunt!
ALL
Yes there's nothing, no there's nothing, no there's nothing,
like the hunt! The hunt! The hunt!
(Exeunt all. Aaron and Tamora meet and are amorous.)

TAMORA
The birds chant melody on every bush,
the snake lies rolled in the cheerful sun.
My lovely Aaron, why look you sad-
AARON (who has definitely been enjoying this and not at all looking sad)
Oh, sorry.
Aaron tries to look sad.
TAMORA
Aaron, why look you sad,
when everything does make a gleeful boast?
AARON
Vengeance is in my heart, death in my hand,
blood and revenge hammer in my head.
Mighty Tamora, empress of my soul,
this is the day of doom for Bassianus.
See'st thou this letter? Take it up, I pray thee,
and give it to the king when the time is right.
Aaron hands Tamora a letter.
TAMORA (in a love-daze, still draped on him)

You talk pretty.
Enter Bassianus and Lavinia, discovering Tamora and Aaron.
AARON (overacted)
I must away; we are espied.
TAMORA (to Aaron, about his overacting)

Too much.
Aaron runs off, leaving Tamora.
BASSIANUS
What have we here? Rome's royal empress?
LAVINIA
And the Moor!

BASSIANUS
Not that there's anything wrong with him being a Moor.
LAVINIA, TAMORA, BASSIANUS (in agreement)

No, no, no, not at all.
LAVINIA
The colour of his skin is no reflection on his personality.
TAMORA
Some of my best friends are Moors! Or were. Before you Romans killed them.
(beat)
How dare you spy on me!
BASSIANUS
Does big brother know that you and Aaron are out here cavorting? Doing the ol'-
Bassianus initiates a series of increasingly complex hand motions that are supposed to be him
suggesting sexual relations, but actually look absolutely nothing like it. Fist punching fist, and
elbow grabs, and whatnot. Both Tamora and Lavinia are confused.
TAMORA
You Romans have strange customs.
Demetrius and Chiron enter, still in bunny costumes.
DEMETRIUS (bugs bunny impression)

Ehhhhh, what's up, mom?
TAMORA
These two enticed me here to this place,
then show'd me this abhorred pit,
and told me here, at the dead time of night,
(Pauses. Realizes something. Tamora looks up at the lighting rig, which is still shining like a
beautiful summer's day. Lights shift immediately and abruptly into a night-time setting.)
-that they would bind me unto the body of a dismal yew,
And leave me to die a miserable death.
CHIRON
You were going to kill my mommy?
BASSIANUS

Of course not! You can't honestly believe this.
DEMETRIUS
True. Guess we'll have to dishonestly believe it.
Demetrius stabs Bassianus.
CHIRON
You get to do everything first.
Chiron throws Lavinia to the ground near Tamora, and then stabs Bassianus too.
BASSIANUS (to Lavinia, as he tumbles into the pit)

I'll breathe my very last breath for youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Bassianus dies at the bottom of the pit.
LAVINIA
You... you are not a very nice person.
TAMORA
I? And what of your father? What of the man who ordered that my son be ripped apart, limb by
puppety limb? What do you have to say in your dear daddy's defense?
LAVINIA
Speak to him. I'm just a woman. It's not my place to speak for a man.
Tamora has an angry cringey moment. Regains her composure.
TAMORA (to her sons.)

I'm out. Have fun kids.
Chiron grabs Lavinia. Demetrius drags Bassianus's body into the 'pit'. Tamora and Aaron exit.
SONG (without lyrics) – Happy Bunny Song. Happy fun music begins. Demetrius and Chiron hop
towards her. Synchronized. They hop-dance around her, making bunny movements, end up in a
line, with her in the middle, everyone doing a happy bunny dance together, with Lindy-hop-like
steps to Wiggles-esque children's TV show music with rainbow lights, Lavinia now having quite
a bit of fun with the dance, until they violently grab Lavinia. Music shifts. She fights back, but
they drag her off, screaming, Chiron ominously with carrots.
Enter Shakespeare.

SHAKESPEARE
Sorry, was that yelling? Did I miss anything? I was in the loo. Let's see, after the hunting, nice love
song, and then we have- OH. Ohhhh... Sorry, everyone. I meant to take that part out. Not such a light
or delightful turn of events, really. My bad!
Enter Lavinia, getting her wrist-stump bandages put onto her hands by stage management.
LAVINIA
Your 'bad'? I am offstage getting violated and all you can say is, 'my bad'?
SHAKESPEARE
I had to pee, okay? I'm sorry. Coffee goes right through me.
LAVINIA
It's just so horrific.
SHAKESPEARE
The coffee? No.
LAVINIA
You don't really grasp how life-shatteringly awful this is, do you.
SHAKESPEARE
Yes...? Yes. Look, I first wrote this play to be a lamentable tragedy. The worst of humanity, appearing
onstage. I swear, I picked the worst time to pee. What would you have me do?
LAVINIA
Nothing.
SHAKESPEARE
What do you mean, nothing?
LAVINIA
The rape, the violence, that needs to be addressed. The audience needs to see the consequences of
what just happened. I won't let you brush off my pain as a minor plot point to be ignored!
SHAKESPEARE (to Lavinia)

Fine. Fine, Lavinia, go tragic. Show everyone how awful your life is. Just keep the sadness moving and
try not to drag the whole musical down with you.
LAVINIA

Thank you.
Lavinia exits.
SHAKESPEARE
Teenagers!
Exit Shakespeare.
AARON (to offstage)

Come on, my lords.
(enter Quintus and Martius)
Straight will I bring you to the loathsome pit
Where I espied the panther fast asleep.
MARTIUS (singing)
Hunt, hunt, hunt, hunt.
QUINTUS
You know, Aaron, you may have been our sworn enemy just a week ago, and then you were our
prisoner, where we may have horribly mistreated you, but today, something makes me feel like I can
trust you implicitly.
MARTIUS
It's true, there is something genuinely trustable about youwoooooah!
(Aaron high fives Quintus in such a way as to knock Quintus into Martius. Martius falls into the
pit.)
I seem to have fallen into a pit!
(Aaron sneaks offstage, unnoticed.)
QUINTUS
Oh dear! Quite a well hidden one, too! Covered with thorny briars. How deadly. Are you dead?
MARTIUS
No?
QUINTUS
Good!
MARTIUS
I say, there seems to be something rather terrible down here!

QUINTUS
Come, your breath's not THAT bad!
They both laugh.
MARTIUS
No, I think it's a body!
QUINTUS
Get out of town!
MARTIUS
I'd rather get out of this hole!
(They both laugh.)
I think it's Lord Bassianus down here.
QUINTUS
The body? Really?
MARTIUS
Smells like him!
They both laugh.
QUINTUS
Would you like me to help you out?
MARTIUS
That would be rather brotherly of you!
QUINTUS
Right, then. I'll just reach down here and, my you're slippery- oooof! One more go here, and-
auuuuuff!...
(Quintus falls into the hole.)
Well, this is embarrassing.
Aaron enters with Saturninus, Soldier 01, Soldier 02, and an Unnamed Attendant.
MARTIUS
Hallo! In a bit of a pickle, here. I'm one of Titus's sons. In here with Quintus, as well as the dead body
of Bassianus. We could do with a bit of help, as this is inexplicably the last line we get in this play.

Enter Tamora, Titus, Lucius, and Marcus.
TAMORA
Where is my lord?
SATURNINUS
Over here.
TAMORA
And where is your brother, Bassianus?
SATURNINUS
Pit. Murdered. Great tragedy. No one should be able to kill people but me.
Saturninus stabs the Unnamed Attendant for no good reason and pushes them into the pit.
TAMORA (overdramatic)
Oh! Then all too late I bring this fatal writ,
The complot of this timeless tragedy.
Tamora hands him the letter.
SATURNINUS (super-nervous about this.)

A letter! Great!
(sounding the words out painstakingly. He is not a good reader. And he has an audience.)
D-do thou.... dig the gra- the grave for Bas- for Bassia, for Bassianus, then-
Tamora takes the letter from him.
TAMORA
Reading letters is below a person of your status, my lord.
(reading.)
Do thou dig the grave for Bassianus,
then lookst for thy reward among the nettles at the elder-tree.
Do this, and purchase us thy lasting friends.
AARON (grabbing the bag of gold)

My gracious lord, here is the elder tree, and here the bag of gold!
SATURNINUS (to Titus)

Two of thy whelps have here bereft my brother of his life.
What is it with your family and murdering people without my approval?
Sirs, drag them from the pit, and deliver them to the executioner.

The Soldiers pull Quintus and Martius out of the pit.
SOLDIER 01
Up you go.
QUINTUS
We don't say a line here to defend ourselves?
MARTIUS
Nope!
The Soldiers take Quintus and Martius offstage.
TITUS
My lord, I...
MARCUS
Sire, clearly-
LUCIUS
Emperor Saturnine-
SATURNINUS
No! No no no no no no no!
No weaseling your family out of this one.
By my soul, were there a worse end than death,
That end upon your sons should be executed.
Saturninus exits. Titus holds Lucius back.
TAMORA
My friends, I'll talk to him.
TITUS
Please.
Exeunt all but Titus and Lucius. Lucius draws his sword in Saturninus's direction. Marcus lowers
Lucius's sword.
MARCUS
Don't get yourself killed too.

LUCIUS
Father, is our family cursed?
TITUS
I don't know. All this death... it is almost... laughable. Heh. Come, both of you, come.
Their exit is stopped short by the entrance of Lavinia, hands off, tongue removed.
MARCUS (in shock)

Who is this?
SONG (without lyrics) -- Lavinia sings a sorrowful, heart-breaking tongueless dirge of a reprise
of 'Til Death Do Us Part' or the 'Happy Bunny Song' as she stumbles about the room, blood
dripping from her mouth. She has no tongue. Marcus rushes to her, takes out a napkin to wipe
away some of the blood from her mouth.
MARCUS
Titus, this was your daughter.
TITUS
This is my daughter still. My only daughter. The last ray of sunshine to warm these wet roads.
Cobblestones drenched with our tears. How easily one could slip and drown. And drown, drown,
drown.
SONG: Sea of Pebbles. Begins with a slow music box feel that builds. Titus and Lavinia turn
around each other in a slow dance of sorts.
TITUS
I see a sea of pebbles.
A boundless ocean road.
I could swim here.
Now I swim here.
And the water overflows.
LUCIUS
What are you talking about?
MARCUS (dejected)
What does it matter.
TITUS

What happens to the ocean,

if it overtakes the land,
is it still an ocean,
if there's nowhere left to stand?
And is it still a dive

when we have lost all up and down,
when death has lost all gravity,
and we float?
MARCUS
Brother, we've lost everything. We have nothing left. Don't lose your mind too.
TITUS
Hold on, old man, hold on,
there's not enough air to splash,
just an urge to swim, just a need to swim, just until the water breaks!
LUCIUS (to Marcus)

My brothers are off to be executed, my sister has been butchered, and now the old general prances
about, speaking to stones!
TITUS
What a sympathy of woe!
Do not bite your tongues and in dumb shows
pass the remainder of your hateful days!
TITUS
(to Lavinia)
Dance with me, Lavinia!
(to Lucius)
Dance with me, my son!
(to Marcus)
Why so glum?
The world has gone wretched and wild and wet,
we've found the coldest darkest deepest ocean, yet,
we're still here!
We still swim!
And I will be a merman,

and you will be a maid,
and we will hide below the currents

until debts have been repaid...
TITUS
And let us that have our tongues
and even those with none
plot some deuce of further misery
to make them wonder in time to come.
TITUS
For ahead is a sea of pebbles…
A boundless ocean road…
What’s a single palm of tears,

when poured into a sea?
It's almost comical,
almost laughable,
to feel at all...
TITUS
We drown and yet we breathe.
They breathe and yet they'll drown.
LUCIUS (about Lavinia)

But who has done this?
MARCUS
I do not know.
TITUS
But we will discover.
(Lavinia shakes her head 'no'.)
No? Why? You would protect me from them?
Never has a father deserved such love.
If I had seen but a picture of your plight,
it would have made me a madman. Hah!
Aaron enters.
AARON (still has a script, but isn't looking at it anymore.)

Titus Andronicus, my lord,
the emperor sends thee this word:
That if thou love thy sons,

let Marcus, Lucius, or thyself, old Titus,

chop off your hand and send it to the king.
He for the same will send thee hither both thy sons alive,
and that shall be the ransom for their fault.
(others congratulate Harrison on his excellent performance with brief affirming noises.)
TITUS
O gracious emperor! O gentle Aaron!
Has ever a raven sung so like a lark?
LUCIUS
Stay, father! My hand will serve the turn.
My brothers would want it this way.
MARCUS
My hand has only ever been idle; let it serve
to ransom my two nephews from their death.
TITUS
Lavinia, a round of applause for these noble men!
LUCIUS
My hand shall go!
MARCUS
By heaven, it shall not!
LUCIUS
I will fetch an axe.
MARCUS
But I will use it!
Exit Lucius and Marcus.
TITUS
Aaron, lend me your hand, and I will give you mine.
Aaron pulls out a knife.
AARON (pointing offstage)

After you.
Aaron leads Titus offstage. A grisly cutting sound. Lavinia reacts.

Aaron returns, holding a severed hand.
AARON
I go, Andronicus: and for thy hand,
look by and by to have thy sons with thee.
(to audience – maybe a spotlight)
Let fools do good, and fair men call for grace.
Aaron will have his soul be black like his face.
SHAKESPEARE (poking his head in)

Hey! Don't be racist!
Aaron glares at Shakespeare, then exits.

Lucius and Marcus enter with an axe. Titus re-enters, hiding his stumped hand behind his back.
TITUS
I couldn't think of a way to stop you two. One might say I was stumped?
Titus reveals his hand-less arm.

Soldier 02 enters, carrying two heads-in-burlap-sacks and Titus's severed hand. Or you can try
some fancy silly choreography with having the dead sons be the actors in black body-suits with
just their heads showing, making it look like the soldier is carrying their heads. That could be
cool.
SOLDIER 02
Titus Andronicus,
here are the heads of your two noble sons,
and here is your hand,
which confused the emperor.
MARCUS
How did he answer so soon?
SOLDIER 02
Oh, he's in the wing. Anyway, catch!
Soldier 02 throws Titus's hand to Titus, then throws the heads to Marcus and Lucius. Exits.
LUCIUS

What? Ew!
Lucius tosses the head to Marcus, who tosses the other head back at Lucius. This juggling and
tossing about continues for a few throws, Titus having fun. One of the heads gets tossed to
Lavinia. The head hits her in the chest and then thumps to the ground, because, no hands.
Lavinia gives them both an annoyed 'come on, guys' look, holding out her stump-hands.
Titus brings her his severed hand.
TITUS
Don't be sad! You can carry this.
Titus puts the severed hand in Lavinia's mouth. Titus picks up the severed head.
LUCIUS
Is that really necessary? I can carry the hand.
MARCUS
Or I.
TITUS
No! Holding a man's hand is a job for a woman.
LUCIUS
Right, not for me then, man as I am.
MARCUS (as over-the-top being-manly as possible)

Nor I.
TITUS
Go, my son. Saturninus will come for you next.
Hie thee to the Goths, and raise an army there.
We have much to do.
Marcus kisses Lucius on the forehead. Titus moves to have his head kissed as well. Marcus
obliges. Titus then holds up the severed head. Lucius hesitates, but kisses the forehead of the
severed head as well. Lucius exits.
MARCUS (to Lavinia)

If only you could say who has done this to you. Was it the Moor?
Lavinia shakes her head, 'no'.

MARCUS
Is that a yes or a no?
Lavinia shakes her head, 'no'.
MARCUS
I don't understand. If only there were a way for you to tell us what happened!
Lavinia thinks, then lifts up one arm with a spark of inspiration, and rushes offstage. She comes
back on with a book held between her elbows. She puts the book on the floor and uses the
hand in her mouth to flip through its pages.
MARCUS
Ovid's Metamorphoses.
Lavinia emphatically points at the specific page she has opened the book up to.
MARCUS
Lavinia, this is hardly a moment for storytime.
Lavinia makes a frustrated growling noise (while still holding the hand in her mouth). She
points more emphatically at the specific page.
TITUS
What's that, Lavinia? Tamora's trapped in a well?
Lavinia facepalms her head into the book. She gets up, exits. Marcus picks up the book.
MARCUS
This is the story of Philomela, who was bunnyloved in a forest by Tereus, but how could that relate to
our troubles?
Lavinia comes back with a piece of chalk somehow attached to the severed hand (quick tape!).
She writes out 'C+D' on the ground. Perhaps something more elaborate, like whole names. See
how it times out.
TITUS
Perhaps this is a clue!
MARCUS
Could be... but I can't make out the letters. Niece, we shall have to work on your handwriting.
(looks to Titus)

Can you read it?
TITUS
I am a soldier, not a scholar.
Lavinia spits out the hand.
LAVINIA (tongueless, all vowels and no consonants, tries to say the following)
The people who bunnyloved me and murdered Bassianus were Chiron and Demetrius.
The other two don't get it. In utter frustration, Lavinia stomps away.
MARCUS
What was that?
Lavinia turns, quizzical.
MARCUS
What you just did. Do it again.
LAVINIA (tongueless, all vowels)

The people who bunny-
MARCUS
No, not that! The other thing!
Confused, Lavinia stomps off again.
MARCUS (deciphering the tap-stomps)

Murder... I understood that stomping! You are trying to tell us who murdered Bassianus!
Lavinia, confused but getting excited, tap-dances a few steps.
MARCUS
The stamping! Go on!
Lavinia tap dances an extended sequence. Marcus somehow decodes the sounds of her taps.
MARCUS
Murderers! The murderers...
Marcus joins in the tap-dance, tap-dancing alongside her as he decodes her taps.

TITUS
Spilled Spanish glass...
MARCUS
No! The murderers who killed Bassianus... and? And what? … And bunnyloved... What? The
murderers who killed Bassianus and bunnyloved you are, Cassius, Claudius, no! Are the empress? The
murderers who killed Bassianus and bunnyloved you are the empress's children, Chiron and
Demetrius!
TITUS
There is enough written in these steps
to stir a mutiny in the mildest thoughts!
(in madness)
The bear-whelps and the dam are with the lion in league.
MARCUS
That may be, but now is not the time to hunt.
HUNT music starts up.
MARCUS
I said not!
Hunt music stops.
MARCUS
If we seek revenge, then the only way this ends is when we all die.
SONG: Everyone Is Getting Along - A Sondheimish song, first with a slow pace like a 'No One Is
Alone', then a faster pace, like a 'Comedy Tonight'.
MARCUS
Can't we get along?
Haven't we done enough?
We know who've done us wrong.
Who treated her so rough.
But if we seek revenge
then all of us could die;
why try...
why...
why...

TITUS
Well, let's ask the playwright then! Wrap the world in a bright happy bow! Billy!
Enter Shakespeare.
SHAKESPEARE
It's William! And hey! Who's in charge here?
TITUS
Why you! Marcus here just wants to know how you are going to set everything right. If anything is
wrong.
SHAKESPEARE (looking to the audience)

Wrong? No! Got a little off the page, after the intermission, we'll have a brighter, happier, friendlier
show! Just you see! Sure, now Lavinia's a bit sad, and Titus a bit mad, but you'll see...
SHAKESPEARE
Everyone is getting along!
SHAKESPEARE
Out here, everyone!
(the rest of the cast slowly filters onstage. They are super not happy to be together.)
SHAKESPEARE
When it seems just like another murder is in sight
and everyone is plotting in the witch's hour of night
and making plans for housecalls which are more than just polite
but more likely to be stabby for they feel that they are right
and Lavinia is bleeding as she begs them not to fight
and the emperor believes that there are rebels he must smite
And when this isn't the happy play I promised I would write!
Then suddenly...
Suddenly...
I SAID
EVERYONE IS GETTING ALONG!
Buck up you miserable and mutilated men!

I promised them a comedy, a musical, but then

You just had to go be violent, again and then again!

And what happened to the smiles that I wrote down with my pen?
No!
YOU HEAR ME?
NOW HUG!
GROUP HUG!
I DEMAND IT I SAY!
(They do. Super awkward.)
And Titus! We have already spoken today,
and I've another role I would like for you to play!
SHAKESPEARE (pointing to the wing)

Go put on the costume in the wing!
(Titus exits to put on his clown costume.)
SHAKESPEARE
Laugh now! Laugh!
For everyone is getting along!
SHAKESPEARE
I SAID LAUGH!
(the characters forcibly laughs while next to all the people they hate.)
SHAKESPEARE
SHAKESPEARE
Aren't we happy?
Musicians! Play happier!
The song shifts. The characters all kinda fail at what Shakespeare is saying they do.
SHAKESPEARE
Chiron is a juggler extraordinaire,
And Tamora an operatic queen!
TAMORA (deadpan)
A Oh A A.

SHAKESPEARE
Quintus and Martius may have lost their heads but they can do a stand-up comedy routine!
(Music cuts out as the burlap sacks containing their heads are held in front of a mic on a stand.
Spotlight. After a few seconds, a ba-dum-chhh from the drummer as though a joke had been
told. Music cuts back in.)
SHAKESPEARE
Marcus here will wow you with gymnastics!
(Marcus attempts cartwheels for the rest of this song.)
Demetrius can help his brother out!
(Demetrius attempts to help Chiron's awful juggling.)
Lavinia, well, she can really tap-dance!
(She tap-dances well!)
Saturninus has forgotten how to pout!
SATURNINUS
I am actually legitimately happy with how this story is going so far.
SHAKESPEARE (about soldiers)

Hey, look!
So You Think You Can Dancers!
(The soldiers do the worm or some other silly dance.)
Lucius... think of something you can do!
(Lucius... curls their tongue to impress the audience?)
And Harry here is... Harry!
(awkward lyric-less moment in the lyrics as Shakespeare can't think of anything)
Good on you being you!
HARRISON
It's Harrison!
SHAKESPEARE
And this is only the end of Act One!
Imagine how happy we'll all be in act two-
(Titus returns onstage in full clown gear with a toy bow and arrow, interrupting the music,
returning to the slower music at the top of the song, but distorted, twisted.)
TITUS
Can't we get along?

Have we really done enough?

Obviously not,
for there's more to this plot,
and I'm here to clown around until my quiver has been shot.
(Titus fires a paper airplane.)
SHAKESPEARE (uncertain)
See? Clown! Hilarious!
SHAKESPEARE
And everyone is getting along!
Everyone!
ALL (but super dischordy and awful sounding)

SHAKESPEARE
Try it again!
ALL (differently awfully dischordy sounding)

SHAKESPEARE
TITUS (ugly sounding, followed by maniacal laughter)

Everyone is getting aloooooooooooooooong!
Hahahahaha!
SHAKESPEARE
Let's take twenty minutes to work on that. Maybe have another go after intermission. Go drink
something!
(lights cut out.)
SHAKESPEARE
Then please come back.
Intermission.
Act 2. Titus steps to the front of the stage in full clown get-up. Titus has a bucket full of paper

airplanes. Some paper airplanes are already about the stage. On the other side of the stage,
Saturninus, now with laurels on his head, flanked by soldiers, Chiron, Demetrius, and Tamora.
The others are serving Saturninus by shining his shoes, holding a drink for him, and so forth.
Tamora is obviously pregnant.
Titus fires paper airplanes out at the audience and around the stage throughout the scene and
song. A few are already around Saturninus's feet. Written/typed on the paper airplanes include
disparaging Shakespearean insults about Saturninus such as 'Saturninus weareth water-
holding undergarments of elderly men”, “Saturninus is a gorbellied fat-kidneyed knave!”, and
“Saturninus is a poopy-pants.” Also, 'Integer vitae, scelerisque purus, Non eget Mauri jaculis,
nec arcu', because that's an actual message from Titus in Shakespeare's play. Marcus and the
Puppeteer soon join with Titus.
TITUS
We now take you to a castle siege currently in progress.
Titus fires a paper airplane in Saturninus's direction.
MARCUS
Brother, what madness is this?
TITUS
Did you send my message to to Chiron and Demetrius?
MARCUS
The weapons? Yes. They were delivered.
TITUS
Our friends are our foes and our foes are our friends.
Marcus picks up a paper airplane. He unfolds it and reads the insult aloud.
MARCUS
For what cause aim you so at the emperor?
TITUS
To congratulate him on his success!
Take them up! Loose them when I bid!
We will solicit the heavens and move the gods
to send down Justice for to wreak our wrongs.
Come, you are fine archers!
Marcus picks up another one.

MARCUS (reading)
Saturninus is a poopy-pants.
TITUS
Fire!
Marcus and the puppeteer join in throwing paper airplanes.
SONG: Saturninus! - to a funky beat.
SATURNINUS
Who's the baddest emperor this realm has ever seen?
It's me!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Who's that royalty who does it daily with the queen!
That's me!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Darn right.
I'm the man and everybody else knows
everybody else knows
how awesome is the head that wears the crown!
Ow!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Who's king?
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS

I know.
TAMORA (picking up a paper airplane)

My lord, have you read these?
SATURNINUS (no he hasn't)

Of course.
TAMORA (handing him the paper airplane)

Take a look at this one.
SATURNINUS (trying to sound out the words as he really can't read)

Hu- Hu... hubr.... hub-rice... beg-eats... hubrice begeats-
TAMORA
Hubris begets the fall of Saturninus.
SATURNINUS
Yeah. That's what I read too. Just seeing if you... read it. Stop interrupting my song!
SATURNINUS
The madman out there warns me of hubris,
but I don't even know who that is,
but whoever hubris is, he ain't getting' to me,
'cause no one's as amazing as this emperor you see!
Who am I?
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Say it again!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
You see these fancy laurels hanging over my ears,
Well I'll be wearing them for a thousand more years!
Who's immortal?
OTHERS

Saturninus?
SATURNINUS
Probably!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
I'm the best!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
I'm not worried!
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Should I be worried?
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
No seriously should I be worried?
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Lucius did go off to find that goth army.
OTHERS
Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
And Titus, the madman, the people still love him. I can't kill him or they'll revolt!
OTHERS

Saturninus!
SATURNINUS
Stop that!
SATURNINUS (uneasily)
I'm the man and everybody else knows
everybody else knows
how fragile is the head that wears the crown!
Saturninus!
TAMORA
My darling Roman numeral, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-ut up.
Titus, Marcus, and the Puppeteer filter offstage.

SONG: 'You're On Top'
Tamora snaps at the soldiers. One soldier rushes over and gets on all fours, acting as a chair
for Saturninus. Another soldier rushes onstage and planks in front of the 'chair' to act as a
footstool. Another soldier rushes on with a large fern leaf or fan. More soldiers may be added
for comedy.
TAMORA
When the world's gone topsy-turvy,
and you don't know where you sit,
just remember, you are on top.
When the hounds are out a-baying,

and your knees, they are a-quaking,
just remember, you can order them to stop.
If ever people claim to know a truth that you do not,

think what little they have compared to all this you've got.
When there's a rag-tag army

up against your mighty walls,
where are you? You're on the top!
When a madman rips his clothing,

should that spark some sense of loathing?
What care you, you're on the top!
ALL
You’re on the top!

TAMORA
You've got vast tracks of land,
and an empire to command,
you've got servants, slaves, and soldiers cowering
from your riding crop, ALL: You’re on top!
(Tamora goes off into her own vindictive thought process here, singing more about herself.)
And if anyone says otherwise,

they'll get what they deserve,
we'll silence any peasant
who would dare get on my nerve,
TAMORA
And they'll know they are beneath us ALL
when they're crushed by our boot heel, You're on top!
and those that we allow to live ALL
will live only to kneel! You're on top!
TAMORA
Or their necks will feel the chop!
We're on top!
ALL
SATURNINUS
Erm... yes. I am on top!
TAMORA
For now.
SATURNINUS
What?
TAMORA
Nothing.
SATURNINUS
But what should I do?

TAMORA
Nothing, my husband. I will take care of everything. That madman has almost lost all, but he still has
further to fall. I will twist his mind to our will. And if that fails, then we can kill them all.
SATURNINUS
You're too good for me.
(potentially funny as a sudden aside-light for half a second:)
TAMORA
Agreed.
Exeunt all.
Enter Lucius.
SONG – Toy Soldiers. A rock song.
LUCIUS
A child plays toy soldiers with his tiny figurines,
he lines his wooden men up on his bed.
He's given them all names and he commands them to the edge,
until they fall to the floor and wind up dead.
Now imagine such a child became a general,

and suppose all his toy soldiers were his sons,
I peer into the abyss as his finger shouts to jump,
and I think:
I think I'm doomed to die, the last of twenty-five,

what other fate could be in store for me?
'Come, my son, you're my only one,
obey as twenty-four have done,
and die beside a mighty Goth army.'
Dad can't you see?
Dad, what if I said, I like you better as a madman;

think of all you've put our family through.
Dad, what if I said, oh yes, our family deserves revenge,
but what if we should be revenged from you?

I'll take that Gothic army and march it to your bedroom door,
to wake you up to all you're responsible for!
Twenty-four toy soldiers never learned to misbehave,
they obeyed you and now they're in the grave!
But though every ounce of me may want to go on the attack,

I feel their phantom arms, they hold me back.
I think I'm doomed to die, toy soldier twenty-five,

for I can still see all the figurines,
And I feel they love you still,
how could I not do what they will,
I've sworn to honour them by any means.
And if this toy soldier should fall to the floor,

at least I'll be with all of them once more.
Brothers, I miss you,

and for them, father, I forgive you,
And I'll fight for them - not you - in this one final war.
Exit Lucius.
Enter Chiron, Demetrius, and Aaron, who has his script. Chiron and Demetrius are dual-sword-
fighting with odd weapons – perhaps a rubber chicken is involved.
CHIRON
Boy, it sure was swell of that Titus to send us these neat toys!
AARON
Had he not reason, Lord Chiron?
Did you not use his daughter very friendly?
(Funny sounding trumpet proclamation noise.)
The emperor's trumpet!
CHIRON
What is it?
DEMETRIUS
It's a musical instrument, member of the brass family, performed by blowing air through closed lips
into a mouthpiece.
AARON

The sound means the emperor is now father to a son.
CHIRON
I didn't know he had the parts for that!
AARON
Tamora had the child.
CHIRON
That was a surprisingly long intermission.
AARON
About eight months.
DEMETRIUS
Don't babies normally take-
The Nurse rushes into the room.
NURSE
Now, by my maidenhead, at twelve year old,
I bade her come. What, lamb! What, ladybird!
God forbid! Where's this girl? What, Juliet!
AARON
Juliet?
NURSE
Faith, I can tell her age unto an hour.
I'll lay fourteen of my teeth, --
And yet, to my teeth be it spoken, I have but four--
She is not fourteen. How long is it now to Lammas-tide?
AARON
You are the Nurse?
NURSE
Aye, and a fine nurse I am, laying wormwood to my dug...
(The Nurse looks around.)
AARON
You may wish to...

Aaron hands The Nurse his script. She looks at it.
NURSE (leaving)
Ah. Sorry. Wrong nurse. Wrong play. Sorry about that. Sorry everyone! Sorry. Sorry. My mistake. I'll
come back in.
The Nurse leaves. Aaron sighs with impatience. The Nurse reenters, carrying a 'blackamoor'
child. She hands it to Aaron.
NURSE
O gentle Aaron, we are all undone! Look at Tamora's son!
A devil. God hath sent her a devil.
A joyless, dismal, black and sorrowful issue.
As loathsome as a toad
amongst the fairest breeders of our clime.
CHIRON
He looks just like you, Mr Aaron!
AARON
So he does.
DEMETRIUS
This... this is your son...
NURSE
This is your son?
CHIRON
And your moon and your stars!
AARON
My son.
SONG – This Is My Son.
AARON
This is my son.
This is my son.
My only son.
DEMETRIUS

You have undone our mother.
AARON
Nay, I have done thy mother.
But now-
AARON
For all the evil in my heart,
it seems there still is space for one...
my son...
NURSE
And accursed be the offspring of so foul a fiend!
The empress sends this devil to thee
to christen it with thy dagger's point.
AARON
She what?
NURSE
The abomination must not live.
End it. The empress wills it so.
AARON
Tamora.
NURSE
Yes.
AARON
She ordered that her child die?
NURSE
She did.
AARON
But this is my son...
She would kill our son?
NURSE
She would you do the deed.

AARON
No.
(The song's music picks up significantly.)
AARON
Is black so base a hue?
To decide what we must do,
to kill a child, so new and wild,
just 'cause he's not as white as you?
For his darker shade of skin,

she demands I kill my kin,
just so no one knows that we two shared a little sin!
NURSE
The queen would be forever shamed,
and you will be forever blamed,
the emperor will be enraged,
and he will kill the lot of you,
if ever he lays eyes upon this devil, black like you!
AARON NURSE (in response)

Is black so base a hue? It's true.
To decide what we must do, Hop to!
to kill a child, so new and wild,
just 'cause he's not as white as you?
For his darker shade of skin And within.
she demands I kill my kin, To begin.
just so no one knows that we two shared a little
sin!
AARON
This is my son,
my only son,
You are my own, and I will rescue you.
DEMETRIUS
If you can't do it, Mr. Aaron,
my sword will soon dispatch it.

CHIRON
If mummy says we gotta do it, we gotta do it.
AARON
You would kill your brother?
CHIRON
If that's what mummy says.
AARON
The black slave smiles upon his father,
to say 'Dad, I am thy own',
this is your brother, lords, and inside his veins,
flows the same blood that flows within you!
This is my son,
my only son,
and I would sooner kill all of you..
DEMETRIUS, CHIRON, NURSE

But what can we do?
AARON
Exactly what I tell you to.
AARON
How many saw my child?
NURSE
Just myself, the midwife,
and the deliver'd empress.
AARON
Then let us lessen that number by two.
Aaron stabs her.
NURSE
This is what I get for not reading ahead.
The Nurse dies.

AARON (to Chiron and Demetrius)

Send the midwife to me. Then bury their bodies.
We will steal a child as pale as you to take the place of this one. But my boy lives.
(to the child)
You must survive this world and all the fools who inhabit it.
AARON
I will shake the world for you.
Exeunt all, with Chiron and Demetrius carrying off the Nurse's body.
Shakespeare enters.
SHAKESPEARE (to offstage:)

Titus!
Enter Titus and Soldiers. Titus is making balloon animals for the soldiers. They are already
holding some pretty darn cool but creepy balloon figures (Hats? Flowers?).
TITUS
Yes?
SHAKESPEARE
Just wanted to say, good job on finding a few laughs! Crazy man Titus – good shtick! And nice
commitment to the clown thing!
TITUS
Thank you, sir.
SHAKESPEARE
Were you going for creepy clown?
(Titus pulls out an uninflated balloon.)
TITUS
Would you like a balloon animal?
SHAKESPEARE
Maybe later.
(Titus turns to leave.)
Oh! One more thing. Could we perhaps do without any more murders?
TITUS

Sir?
SHAKESPEARE
I see that look in your eye. You must set an example for everyone else.
SOLDIER 01
We really look up to you.
TITUS
So you're saying that if anyone else were to be harmed, that might displease you. You who are the
true architect of all my sorrows.
SHAKESPEARE
Errr, yes.
TITUS
Well, we can't have that! How about, I arrange a dinner for myself and all the other lead characters,
we have a good chat, hug it out, and then end the play with a big musical number. Would that work
for you?
SHAKESPEARE
Yes.
TITUS
I can even make pie.
SHAKESPEARE
That is rather generous of you!
TITUS
I have given you everything else.
SHAKESPEARE
Yes. Perfect then. Swell. Thanks again. Champ.
Exit Shakespeare.
TITUS
Everyone enjoys a good pie.
Exit Titus.
SONG: Hunt Reprise. Various characters come on and offstage as they sing.

MARCUS TITUS
When you long to stay alive,
but your mad brother seems to strive
for revenge, you're always on the hunt, Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!
MARCUS TITUS
Stay low, don't be the prey,
learn to live another day,
I would really rather not be on the hunt, Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!
MARCUS
What makes you so sure, they'll be coming to your door,
with all these bloody politics that have quickly made you mad,
TITUS
My madness is, a melody,
singing in the air,
a siren song for forces ill and glad!
VARIOUS
The hunt! The hunt! The hunt!
SATURNINUS LUCIUS + GOTHS

The Goths now march for Rome
As Lucius plans on coming home
a general now, it seems he's on the hunt Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!
SATURNINUS LUCIUS + GOTHS

They'll soon be at our gate,
and then what will be our fate?
I feel I'm on the wrong side of the hunt, Hunt, hunt, hunt!
TAMORA
Calm yourself, my ruler, grow a pair of balls,
believe me when I say the Goths are no match for our walls,
SATURNINUS
That family, Andronicus,
TAMORA
Are nothing to be feared,

soon will be the day when their house falls!
(Aaron runs/stumbles through, holding the baby, with Goths on his tail)
GOTHS
Get him!
VARIOUS
The hunt! The hunt! The hunt!
TITUS
When you have lost everything, what's a little more?
We all die the same, both the rulers and the poor.
Whether you're a soldier
or you're sitting on a throne,
at last you'll find out what the hunt is for!
ALL OTHERS
When you're in the final acts
and there are daggers at your backs
be aware, you're always on the hunt! Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!
ALL OTHERS
The show is almost done
but there's still so much to be won,
or be lost, in this the constant hunt! Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!
ALL
Yes there's nothing, no there's nothing, no there's nothing,
like the hunt! The hunt! The hunt!
Exeunt all except for Lucius with AN ARMY OF GOTHS. Historically, Goths had ridiculously large
mustaches. If you're looking for costume ideas. Just saying. The goths all have ridiculous
German accents.
LUCIUS
Fearsome warriors, you Germanic Goths, my new faithful friends,
I have received letters from great Rome,
Which signify what hate they bear their emperor!
SECOND GOTH
Hooray! Our hated enemy hates zemselves!

FIRST GOTH
Heil Lucius!
SECOND GOTH
No, don't do that.
LUCIUS
We will save these Romans from Saturninus's oppression!
GOTHS
Hooray!
First Goth raises their hand to ask a question. It looks kinda like a Hitler salute.
SECOND GOTH
Zee hand salute iz also not good.
FIRST GOTH
I have question! Don't ve vant the Romans to be oppressed?
SECOND GOTH
Only if ve are zee ones doing zee oppressing.
LUCIUS
Soon we will free Rome from the tyrannical hands of Saturninus and Tamora, his Gothic Queen!
FIRST GOTH
Vait, so, ve have already got a Goth as zee Roman empress? Does that mean ve haff won?
SECOND GOTH
No, ve are not supposed to like her anymore.
FIRST GOTH
But, vasn't she our leader?
LUCIUS
Soon we will march for Rome!
FIRST GOTH
Vait! Hold on! So are ve fighting FOR Rome, now?

SECOND GOTH
I'm just looking forward to us Germans being zee good guys for once.
FIRST GOTH
Yah, yah.
ALL GOTHS (proclaiming their loyalty)

Yah! Yah! Yah!
Enter Third Goth with Aaron as his prisoner. Pushes Aaron to his knees. Aaron carries his child
in his arms. Aaron/Harrison isn't holding a script at all anymore.
THIRD GOTH
Look who I found! He vas hiding in a church!
FIRST GOTH
Aaron! You escaped! Velcome back! Good to see-
First Goth gets stopped by the Second Goth.
SECOND GOTH
Nein, he is now the enemy.
FIRST GOTH
But he vas one of us! A prisoner of zee war!
SECOND GOTH
Yah, but he is kind of a dick.
LUCIUS
O worthy Goths, this is the incarnate devil,
-- not because he's black --
but because he robb'd Andronicus of his good hand.
This is the coal that pleased your empress' eye,
and here's the base fruit of their burning lust.
A halter, soldiers! Hang him on this tree.
And by his side, hang his fruit of bastardy.
FIRST GOTH
So ve are zee good guys now, but zee first thing ve are going to do is hang a baby?
AARON

Save the child, and I'll show thee wondrous things.

'Twill vex thy soul to hear what I speak;
For I must talk of murders, massacres, and bunnylove.
Acts of blackest night.
THIRD GOTH
Don't call yourself zat!
AARON
I was referring to the luminescence of the night!
(to Lucius)
'Twas Tamora's sons that murdered Bassianus.
They severed thy sister's tongue and ravished her,
cut her hands and trimm'd her as thou saw'st.
but I was tutor to instruct them.
And then I train'd thy brethren to that guileful hole
where the dead corpse of Bassianus lay.
I play'd the cheater for thy father's hand,
and, when I had it, drew myself apart
and almost broke my heart with extreme laughter!
And when I told the empress of this sport,
she swooned almost at my pleasing tale,
and for my tidings gave me twenty kisses.
I have done a thousand dreadful things
as willingly as one would kill a fly,
but nothing grieves me heartily indeed
but that I cannot do ten thousand more.
First Goth hugs Aaron.
FIRST GOTH
Someone needs a hug.
LUCIUS
Stand up the devil. He must not die so sweet a death as hanging. No, we shall bury him in the center
of town, up to his neck, so that all may pelt him with stones until he starves.
AARON
But my child! My child!
Exit Aaron and Third Goth.

FIRST GOTH
And ve von't hang zee baby?
LUCIUS
... And we will not hang the baby.
FIRST GOTH (to Second Goth)

I knew ve were zee good guys.
Enter Marcus.
MARCUS
Lord Lucius, and you princes of the Goths-
SECOND GOTH (flattered)

He called us princes!
MARCUS
The Roman emperor greets you all by me,
and, with Titus, and your sister, craves a parley at your father's house.
LUCIUS
Thank you, uncle. I will meet them. And upon my return, we march on Rome.
Exeunt all.
Enter Tamora, Demetrius, and Chiron. Chiron is in his bunny costume, the others, in new,
strange costumes. Chiron bounds about the stage, kidlike.
CHIRON + DEMETRIUS
Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!
TAMORA
Quiet! We are dressed to a purpose.
Clad in such disguises, we will encounter mad Andronicus.
I'll say I am Revenge, a demon sent from below to torment his enemies.
And, being thus credulous in his mad thoughts,
I'll find some cunning practice out of hand
to scatter and disperse the giddy Goths,
or, at least, to make them his enemies.
CHIRON
What?

DEMETRIUS
We's gonna act like it's Halloween and be all spooky. Titus will think we're magicky monsters sent to
help him, 'cause he ain't thinkin' right, and then we get him to do whatever we want, like tell Lucius to
send his army home.
CHIRON
That simple, huh?
TAMORA (calling toward offstage)

Titus! Revenge is come to join with you,
and work confusion on thy enemies!
Enter Titus, in clown gear, including, now, a clown wig, riding a tricycle. He honks his bike horn.
TITUS
You? I am not mad; I know thee well enough.
Proud empress, mighty Tamora,
have you come for my other hand?
Chiron makes that pull-of-the-collar-nervous-'ullllll' noise.
TAMORA
Sad man, I am not Tamora.
She is thy enemy, and I, thy friend.
I am Revenge, sent from the infernal kingdom
to ease the gnawing vulture of thy mind
by working wreakful vengeance on thy foes.
TITUS
You're a devil sent from hell to make me feel better?
Well, I am very glad to meet you.
(shakes the hands of Chiron and Demetrius)
Are these your ministers? Well met! What are they call'd?
TAMORA
Murder and Bunnylove, for they take vengeance on such kinds of men.
TITUS
Welcome, dread Fury, to my woeful house.
Bunnylove and Murder, you are welcome too.
Good Lord, how like the empress's children you are! And you, how like the empress!

But we worldly men have miserable, mad, mistaking eyes.

So what shall we do?
DEMETRIUS
Show me a murderer and I'll murderize him.
TAMORA
Show me a thousand that have done thee wrong,
and I shall be revenged upon them all.
CHIRON
Show me a bunnylover, and I will love all the bunnies in every grassy green meadow you find!
(beat)
Right in their funny places!
TAMORA
What would you have us do?
SONG: If I Had You?
TITUS
What would I do? Ti doo, ti doo, ti doo?
If I had you, ti doo, ti doo, ti doo
On a day about the town, riding up and riding down?
Just me and you, and you and you and you? (And you.)
What would we do? Ti doo, ti doo, ti doo?
How shall we play, ti day, ti day, ti day
Some villain standing here, with nothing left to fear,
but me and you, and you and you annnnd…
you.
Climb aboaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!
(Titus gestures to the tricycle. They hesitate.)
TITUS
CLIMB ABOAAAAAAAAAAARD!
(They attempt to all be 'on' the tricycle at the same time, manoeuvring around the stage. This
probably involves some one-legged hopping beside the trike. The song now features ridiculous
white-man-rapping.)
TITUS

Windin' 'round the wicked sharp streets of Rome,

if you find a man like in your mirror at home,
STAB HIM! He's a murderer.
And if a bunny-lovin', mother-huggin' man at night,
looks a little like you when you catch his sight,
STAB HIM! He's a ravisher.
And when you're rollin' in style,

over marble tiles,
through the palace halls,
indoor waterfalls,
with more royal guards
than a deck of cards,
until you find a throne,
and sitting there, alone,
there you find a queen,
with something like your sheen,
your curve, your figure, your wicked glean...
TITUS
HURT THEM! STAB THEM! KILL THEM INTO TINY PIECES! CUBE THEM AND MINCE THEM AND MASH
THEM AND GRATE THEM and DONNER AND BLITZEN! For they have all done me wrong.
TAMORA
Well hast thou lesson'd us with thy white rapping ways; this we shall do.
But if it please thee, good Andronicus,
when Lucius, thy thrice-valiant son,
arrives to sup and banquet at thy house,
Find a way to leave him with the empress,
that we three might surprise them both
and help Lucius too to have his revenge.
TITUS
How gracious you are to me and my family.
You shall meet with them after the feast.
(Titus turns to leave, then swings back around.)
May I borrow Murder and Bunnylove? I have need of a hand or two to help with the cooking.
(Titus grabs and hugs Chiron and Demetrius.)
And these two have plenty to spare!
TAMORA
Very well.

CHIRON
If it's all the same to you, I'd rather go-
Demetrius hits Chiron on the head.
DEMETRIUS
We're happy to help.
Tamora exits.
DEMETRIUS
What can we do?
TITUS
Soldiers one and two, come hither!
Enter the two Soldiers, with chairs.
TITUS
Know you these two?
SOLDIER 01
The empress's sons. Chiron and Demetrius.
CHIRON
I told you!-
TITUS
Fie! Fie, numerical soldier, fie!
Thou art much deceived!
That one is Murder. Bunnylove, the other's name.
Therefore bind them, and stop their mouths.
Titus exits. The soldiers grab Chiron and Demetrius, tie them to the chairs.
CHIRON
Aw, nuts.
The soldiers gag Chiron's and Demetrius's mouths. Enter Lavinia and Titus. Titus now has a
knife. Lavinia has a basin. Lavinia still holds that hand in her mouth.
Enter Shakespeare.

SHAKESPEARE
HOLD UP!
TITUS
Willy!
SHAKESPEARE
It's William. And we had an agreement.
TITUS
I'm just here making a meat pie.
SHAKESPEARE
I told you no more murders!
TITUS
Look at my daughter, Willy.
SHAKESPEARE (impulsively)
William.
TITUS
LOOK AT HER! What would you do if something like that happened to someone you love?
SHAKESPEARE
But that's... that's how the story goes. She's only a character.
Titus pulls off the clown wig.
TITUS
She's real to me. So allow us our revenge.
SHAKESPEARE
...
Fine. Fine! But do it in an artful manner. I would prefer it if our front row did not become a splash
zone.
TITUS
How about the underrated artistic medium of rhythmic gymnastics.
SHAKESPEARE
As long as it's funny.

Exit Shakespeare.
Flourishing classical music plays. The Soldiers untie Chiron and Demetrius. More soldiers
stream on with ribbon sticks, which they dancefully pass out to the other characters onstage,
at Titus's behest. Everyone performs a modern rhythmic gymnastics dance, Titus and Lavinia
with great satisfaction, Chiron and Demetrius artfully demonstrating their state of distress. At
appropriately dramatic sweeps of the music, Titus sweeps his stick along the neck of Chiron or
Demetrius. Both him and them, via their red ribbons, indicate large splurges of blood shooting
from their necks. An exaggerated amount of rhythmic gymnastics movement as the two
brothers 'bleed out' and tumble to the ground, until only Titus and Lavinia are left happily,
gaily dancing about. Lavinia gets a couple of actual kicks in on the dead bodies. The soldiers
take off the dead bodies in an artful, balletic manner.
Exeunt all.
Extensive funny-sounding trumpets. Saturninus enters, with Tamora. Marcus and Lucius enter.
The soldiers bring on a table, then chairs.
SATURNINUS (to Lucius)

So you're the one in twenty-four and one.
LUCIUS
And you are a monstrous prat.
MARCUS
Come now, let us have peace at this table,
and enjoy the feast which Titus hath single-handedly prepared.
Please, sit.
(They sit.)
So, where are your children?
TAMORA
I am certain they will show themselves in time.
Enter Titus, in full clown get-up, with plates of food on a platter. Lavinia enters behind him,
her stumped wrists hidden under a draped cloth and platter, the bicycle horn in her mouth.
TITUS
Welcome, my gracious lord. My dreaded queen.
Welcome Lucius, Marcus, and numerical soldiers.
Although the cheer be poor,
'twill fill your stomachs; please you, eat of it.

Titus serves his guests. After some discomforted looks toward Lavinia, they start to eat.
SATURNINUS
Why are you thus attired, Andronicus?
LUCIUS
Well, I-
SATURNINUS
No, not you, the other Andronicus-
MARCUS
This is what I have worn since-
SATURNINUS
No, not you, the other-
Lavinia honks her bike horn.
SATURNINUS
Not you! Obviously Titus! Why are you thus attired, Titus Andronicus?
TITUS
I, my lord? Because I would be sure to have all well!
A happy feast to entertain your highness!
TAMORA (to Titus)

We are indebted to you, good Andronicus.
LUCIUS
Thank y-
TAMORA
No, not you, I meant-
MARCUS
You are most welcome-
TAMORA
No, I was speaking to your-
Lavinia honks her bike horn.

TAMORA
NOT YOU!
(regains her composure)
You are looking surprisingly well today, Lavinia.
Lavinia honks an extended sound, matched by a glare.
SOLDIER 01 (to Soldier 02)

Okay, so who are we rooting for now? Who's our good guy hero.
SOLDIER 02
Well, Lucius was going to hang a baby, and Marcus hasn't done anything for the past half hour, so, I
guess, Titus.
TITUS
My lord, resolve me this:
In the story, was it well done of rash Virginius-
SOLDIER 01
That is a poor name.
TITUS
-was it well done of rash Virginius
to slay his daughter with his own right hand,
because she was enforced, stain'd and deflower'd?
The bike horn falls out from Lavinia's mouth. Titus picks it up and puts it back in Lavinia's
mouth.
SATURNINUS
It was, Andronicus.
TAMORA
Absolutely not.
TITUS
Your reason, mighty lord?
SATURNINUS
Because the girl should not survive her shame,
And by her presence still renew his sorrows.

Lavinia drops the horn again.

Titus stuffs the horn back in Lavinia's mouth.
TAMORA (quietly, about Saturninus)

I will murder you in your sleep.
SATURNINUS
What was that?
TAMORA
Nothing, my dear.
TITUS
A reason mighty, strong, and effectual, my lord.
I might perform the like.
Lavinia spits out the horn. Titus pulls out a knife.
LAVINIA
Weawwy?
Titus steps on the horn.
TITUS
And with thy shame, thy father's sorrow die.
Titus stabs Lavinia multiple times. With each stab, he honks the bike horn with a stomp.
SOLDIER 02
No! You were supposed to be the good guy!
MARCUS
Brother!
TAMORA
Why have you slain your only daughter thus?
TITUS
To end all sorrow, so that all that's left is comedy!
Will you please eat? Eat your meat pie?

SATURNINUS
What have you done? What, was she bunnyloved? By whom?
TITUS
She was raped. By your sons, Chiron and Demetrius.
SATURNINUS
I didn't order that! Fetch them!
TITUS
Why, here they are both, baked in that pie!
Tamora spits out her food.

Lucius licks the pie off his fingers in an aggressive manner.
TITUS (to Saturninus)

A tragedy is you getting a papercut.
(Titus knocks off his clown wig and nose.)
A comedy is watching your beloved die. I was happiest as a soldier.
Titus stabs and kills Tamora.
SATURNINUS
No one gets to kill anyone but me!
Saturninus stabs and kills Titus.
LUCIUS
You heard him! No one gets to kill anyone but him!
Lucius stabs and kills Saturninus.

Soldier 01 draws their weapon at Soldier 02.
SOLDIER 01
When in Rome!
SOLDIER 02
No!
SOLDIER 01
No?

SOLDIER 02
No!
MARCUS
Enough! Enough!
The four living characters look at each other. A moment of silence and realization as they take
in the scene.
MARCUS
I think we've all had enough.
SHAKESPEARE (offstage)
Thank you!
MARCUS
Shut up!
SHAKESPEARE (offstage)
Okay.
LUCIUS (eating another piece of pie)

I would say so, uncle. We few who yet live.
Soldier 01 walks over and kicks a corpse. Just to check.
SOLDIER 01
Ooof. I suppose we're going to be the ones to clean this up.
SOLDIER 02
Question. Does all this mean we're at the end of the play?
SOLDIER 01
The title character did just die.
LUCIUS
But if this is the end... I'm still alive! The last of twenty-five sons, and I'm... still alive.
SOLDIER 02
Good on ya! I had you pegged to go a few pages after Quintus and Martius. Glad you didn't, though!
MARCUS

I am glad I am not the last Andronicus.
SOLDIER 01
You could have died a long way back and nothing would have changed.
MARCUS
And you could have died ten times over if we had ever had a Goth and Roman battle scene.
SOLDIER 02
I don't even think these swords are real.
Soldier hits something with his sword, to little effect.
MARCUS
We are all most fortunate.
SOLDIER 01
High five! High five! High five!
(the final high five is to Soldier 02's sword, to little effect.)
We're alive at the end! And we don't even have names!
LUCIUS
Congratulations.
SOLDIER 01
Thanks. Look out, slightly higher billing in the program; here we come! But don't musicals normally
end with a big song and dance number?
MARCUS
I doubt they will be doing much singing or dancing. Poor Lavinia.
SOLDIER 02
Still, it's almost a happy ending. Lucius and his Goth army take over, Lucius becomes emperor, the
war's over. Bright new day for Soldier One, Soldier Two, the uncle, and the kid. Not a bad ending at
all...
SOLDIER 01
So should I get the curtain?
SOLDIER 02
No! Now that those pesky lead characters are gone, it's our time!

SOLDIER 01
Time for what? There's no more plot. What can we do?
SOLDIER 02 (rhetorical)
What can we do?
SOLDIER 02
Anything...
Now we can do anything...
Do you remember that tricycle?
I know you loved that tricycle!
Go grab it, take it for a spin around the stage!
SOLDIER 01
I always wanted to!
(Soldier 01 leaves, grabs the tricycle, navigates it around the dead bodies.)
SOLDIER 02
And you, wanna boss your dad around?
Go ahead! Boss your dad around!
Anything is possible beyond the final page!
(Lucius picks up Titus, who stands under his own power, but still dead. Lucius plays him like a
puppet.)
TITUS
I am terrible father, and a worse general.
SOLDIER 02
Now you've got it!
SOLDIER 02
Anything...
We've the power to do anything...
We can ridicule the plot!
And all the dumb ideas they thought!
What the hell were half these people planning anyway?
(Marcus has Tamora on her feet, playing her like a puppet.)
TAMORA

I thought it was a good idea to dress up in a stupid costume and concoct an elaborate plot that hinged
on someone believing I was the physical embodiment of a demon! What an idiot!
MARCUS
This is fun!
MARCUS
Anything...
If we can do anything...
Then Lavinia, come and dance with me!
Dance for all the world to see!
Let's turn this tragedy into a play!
(Marcus and Lavinia waltz happily around the stage to waltzy music)
SOLDIER 02
This is working out great!
SOLDIER 01
I think so too.
SOLDIER 02
But we're still missing something.
SOLDIER 01
What's that?
SOLDIER 02
A love story! Every musical needs a love story!
SOLDIER 01
But we already have one!
SOLDIER 02
We do?
SOLDIER 01
I've always thought so!
SOLDIER 02
I love you, Solder One!
SOLDIER 01

I love you, Soldier Two!
SOLDIER 02
‘Til death do us part,
do with it whatever you wish to...
SOLDIER 01
‘Til death do us part,
let our marriage start,
BOTH
I'll live the rest of my life with you!
SOLDIER 01
Which will be a long time! Because no one here is going to kill us!
LUCIUS
Nope!
SOLDIER 01
Yay!
(Lucius lifts up Saturninus, plays him as a puppet)
SATURNINUS
With the power vested in me as a stupid dumb dumb emperor, I pronounce you soldier and soldier.
SOLDIER 01 + SOLDIER 02
Yay!
They kiss.
SOLDIER 01
I don't want to be a nameless soldier anymore!
SOLDIER 02
But you were so good at it!
SOLDIER 01
No! Call me Horace!

SOLDIER 02
Sure! Take a name!
LUCIUS
Anything...
If we can do anything...
Don't these plays usually have a ghost?
SOLDIER 02
Hell, let's have all the ghosts!
LUCIUS
It's what folks expect in a musical today!
(All the dead characters come back on stage. Them and the dead people currently onstage now
engage in happy reunion stuff, everybody getting along just grand.)
(Enter Shakespeare)
SHAKESPEARE
Hold it! Hold it! Stop it! Oh, of course, you're ghosts, you're all ghosts now, that makes perfect sense!
(to audience)
All I wanted was to make you smile. To make you say, 'Titus Andronicus. What a great night of
theatre! We laughed, and laughed... I am so glad we came!' But there was so much plot, so much
death. There is no logical way to end this show happily.
(beat)
But it's not like we'll be the first musical to shoehorn in a happy ending.
SHAKESPEARE
Anything...
Musicals get away with anything...
So long as the crowd enjoys it!
Didn't you all enjoy it?
(the entire company pauses and waits for an audience reaction of applause.)
The Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus!
TITUS
What a delightful comedy!
LUCIUS, MUTIUS, MARTIUS, QUINTUS

We are soldiers, we are sons!

PUPPETEER/ALARBUS
What I want is what I want is what I'll get!
I'm okay!
BASSIANUS and LAVINIA (tongueless)

Because darling,
my darling,
I love you!
TITUS (to Chiron, Demetrius, and Tamora)

And you, and you, and you!
CHIRON and DEMETRIUS

He loves us!
TAMORA
Oh what would I do, tee doo, tee doo, tee doo?
SATURNINUS
If I had you, tee doo, tee doo, tee doo?
MUTIUS
I am singing this so I
get more than just four lines!
LAVINIA
(sings something amazing and wordless, then...)
My tongue is growing back!
(to Shakespeare)
You're a douchbag!
ALL
Anything!
Anything!
We're capable of ANYTHING!
(sudden jarring cut to Aaron in spotlight.)
AARON
Yes! Capable of anything! The Lamentable Tragedy of Titus Andronicus. Come see a man's family get
butchered, killed, raped, and then witness as the man does much the same to others! See the slave

get buried up to his head and then left to die. This is what we're capable of!
ALL
ANYTHING!
Lights down.
Bows to happy music, with Aaron sarcastically encouraging everyone as they bow, with lines
like “oh yes, you stabbed your daughter perfectly! Good for you!”

TITUS! The Light and Delightful Comedy of Titus Andronicus - by Andrew Wade and Jenny Andersen

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TITUS! The Light and Delightful Comedy of Titus Andronicus - by Andrew Wade and Jenny Andersen

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TITUS!

The Light and Delightful Musical Comedy of Titus Andronicus 1

Hello! Thank you for your interest in this play!

Your donation allows us more time to create new works!

Cheers and thank yous,

Book by Andrew Wade

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Pretty decent playwright

Lights up on WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

(At first, this song is sprecken-songed)

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

Twelfth Night's too oft cross-gartered,

(terrible things happen to actors as the Scottish play's name is stated.)

And Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth,

Directors take to Hamlet,

but so few care for Titus,

What would you people want?

A kinder, gentler Titus,

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

(Titus retreats back through the door.)

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

SHAKESPEARE (aside to audience member)

SHAKESPEARE & ALL

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

Don't screw it up!

Soldier 01 holds up a 'CHEER!' sign to the audience.

Soldier 02 holds up a 'CHEER!' sign to the audience.

Soldier 01 holds up a 'CHEER!' sign and their sword.

Soldier 02 holds up a 'CHEER!' sign to the audience.

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

SATURNINUS + BASSIANUS (sheepishly)

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

MARCUS (To the crowds)

MARCUS (to the crowd, ignoring Saturninus)

BASSIANUS (who sings Lavinia's name whenever he says it)

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

Bassianus and Saturninus exit.

Marcus stares at him.

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

LUCIUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS, and QUINTUS

TITUS LUCIUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS, and QUINTUS

TITUS no, make that twenty-one, LUCIUS, MARTIUS, MUTIUS, and

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

and we're glad we're now in TAMORA

LUCIUS (adjusting her voice to be low)

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

I salute this country with my tears.

MUTIUS (to Demetrius)

DEMETRIUS (to Alarbus, beside him)

DEMETRIUS and ALARBUS

ALARBUS (to Chiron)

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions

CHIRON (to Martius)

LUCIUS (to the crowd's benefit)

Demetrius attempts to poke Chiron's eyes. He blocks it with a hand.

Titus points to Alarbus.

August 19 2016 Awkward Stage Productions