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Gargoule volume sixty-five, issue 2 september 90, 019 managing editor in-chief isang ‘i Editor's Address ‘content editor-in-chief sofia champion Dear ears, tion manager Wehave coke up this sue to resemble someting ke a Teas hntsmanemerkur bittersweet chocolat chip cookie We navel aed one of those ete Digs that shares wey to much personal treasurer information about the aor and ther partners anbappy erin olay tnaage before giving a badly traserbed rerpe and sone chestnt of wisdom about ldo hopes and rea certs eeulture ‘Shoulda watched the Food Netort, which sone o twin rnaya morgan emily themes thse, long wth its incomparable compan Hoty. opinions Ics ntsman-merkur ‘Theres mh contained within these wo TV channels to inspireour contbutors though some elected to write on the evant garg ile fod medi capturing our heart: Ban Appetit 8, inbel eames am p bryant taka lok though and explore why we love to watch people ‘ok, how we recovered rom wating 00 mary shove about polities House ppg and read sore beat creative writing sofichampion tangential elated to uit comics 4s yu ile, ths ise also ovr means to adres eent space hovacs Serious eventson camps wth respect Hovever, we want 0 ontinve on 8 you do, and provide levity ad room for satire copyreditor nd unserousness when every ent feel too hay. We abe maser Tove ou and are our platfonn toa bth serious and ges thoughts and we take tht to eat everytime wept an ete distributor together, frida coma Ccutnarty ours, stall Sofa Champion & An U Tsang padraicoln torin-chiet iitieton daniel mabmoudl avneet sharma charlie wagner calazon ale front cover pace hoes back cover atsha phan & ee sandblom contributors na twinge sles besa alisha pham ‘yer ees «ale sanabiom Tin stctrood acy stark tebela About us ‘The Gargoyle is University College's sreasest student newspaper and publishes every two weeks. Weare a paper that believes that sometimes you should be angry, and tha sometimes you should be loud, and if'you have not hada voice before, you deserve a voice. We do not give print space to bigots an we do ot eign neutrality on isues of socal juste. ALthismoment, wearesanding and ‘ollaging antique furniture with newspaper dippings and mod podge. Production bi-weekly in the UC Junioe Common Root. uegaryoyleegmall.com/submissions@uegargoyleca ‘wovegargosle.ca NIN AN IN AIN AN OAR warsvurovl wou i Statement On The Events of September the gargoyle a Wizerd? potions v king cooks 9 Ye Think Yer subhijha Now, think ti safe to assume that some people have chosen the prestigious instittion of University College fort glorious history, ts tiverse tradition or fs unwavering belief inclusivity. Therefore, it alo probably safe to assume that some people invested hoursof research before finalizing thei hoi; walls filled with sticky notes weighing the pros and «ons folders ul of information that they brintedin order to convince themselves that theyre organized, or cornered their Unversity ‘ounello at every presented opportunity for ‘questioning (often resulted inher asking them to excuse her to goto the bathroom and hal the school believing problem), But upon having attended the exiting events at Frosh and cunning into people a all walks of life {Umean most were ist year stadt bat tive for the dramatic) observed arise ina certain column in my Why’you chose UC tally hare, 8 Hise that compelled me enough to addess ta all seriousness. Ina concerning contrat tothe SFEMME PETIT ause of it bearing a striking resemblance to.a 150M ‘the wooden stairs is NOT a sign of their d tnoeicsiumtatensihermeae § FCA ANew Seamer neue nt book ARTz * CULWR An Ode to BA Test Kitchen step on me, claire saffitiz ly wa o A Tiny House? In My Vagina? Byer an ode to Nici ‘maya morgan 1 definitely came up with the ttle before writing this article, Anyway to me, the Tiny House Movement isa reflection of the comtined tentrification of poor people's things In the cate tiny houses, they ae the rch bitch versions of trailer parks and spartments, Bt digress, (On Friday, September 20% 2019, attended a Ive recording of Why Wont You Date Me at TIF. This podcast is hosted bythe iconic Nicole Byer! She also hada very special guest the dapper DILF Paul F. Tompkins! Avery cute 10/10 hotty who would play someones Hot Dad inan indie lm, How yummy. Anyway, Niole ‘and Paul got onthe topic of House Munters International, HGTV, and Zooey Deschanel datinga Property Brother. The convo narrowed {non the sultry duet tones of Andromeda the lovely voiceover host ofthe previously mentioned House Hunters International Nicole mentioned her addition and bcssion with comedian and she truly makes me TEEHEEHEE! home s whee the heart ia ragment of heat and therefore my home = with Nie eslfand her agian humo Her comedy tne offer tesa Lane Bryant, dren lack ot and ber spontaneous tnd vated bookaps ‘Ahistve cording she meatoned an Unespectd hookup between her and random EastlrcHaropean man, Though exeedigly funny, tan ao incredibly disturbing as ©) biracial Black, Eastern-European id But I digress. Nicole has given me the ability to laugh at my ‘own vag, and now itis where my heartfelt himor resides In one ofthe weirdest and widest parts ‘ofthe body, my coochi. And if ‘the heart i, anothe tiny fragment is in-between ‘ny legs and lgging i ie own tiny house Tha Shiplap, bam doors, and stain glace windows Food Network Halloween Wars Absolutely Disgusting prove pUMPEIPS fre Rad small a very late September the Food Network premieres another cursed season of Halloween Wars ka. the network embodiment of sn, CContesants gather together ina almost caltish fervor to worship atthe altar oftheir Franken: ‘pumpkin eake creations, praying that their new false dol won't topple, Ldolaty asin afterall, soit perfety fing for this show. But thelr sreatest sin actualy assuming that these eakes" are edible. rather. Wel Irather not is all Not only does it trigger avery deep hatred of food waste n me, but also who the fuck want 10 feat a bleeding eyeball with» shard of sugar glass init? Ora hairy decapitated head? Who looks at that and thinks itelicts a response other th visceral disgust? Who thought blood and together? Everytime see the sho smells ike a Value Vilage om Hallow specifically the discount tubes of corp pat, fake blood od wigs and gross plastic vampire teeth I wouldnt consider myst someone who seal made sek, but the mise-en-scene of these particular show is enough to ender me in fall own nausea [Nether Hereditary nor Suspiria (old and new) toade me this freakin sick Itmakes me want to ‘arf every ounce oft and yet Leannot stop watching Its ike going to Niagara Fall forthe tmuserments onl; Making the worst choices teen you could be doing iterall anything ele, nnd mit kel something beter. but Sometionss | Try Wane big ol punkies it keaton 1m a foceupation] and my spouse [occupation] and we're looking for {house house] Fit Letter of Your First Name: RSDsgraced brdwathe Bo Gent based game developer = Bet a They Might Be Giants cover band Co aa tf narratives based around ply Spread mde ‘F — Wind cme enact who excasiely Whe cones band sence for movies where the JO8 sha dark past ent clone No.8 sa summer camp that’s he murders 20 98° First Letter of Your Last Name: ‘A Family looking fora fresh startin the counts BB Doomsday prepper with commitment iss C-The ghost of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle D~ Exper in bird law E _ Weomaster fora fansite of The Barefoot Contessa F Collector of porcelain dos that house the oul of dead Victoran era children {G— Tht kd who tres to set ants on ie with mmagnifing glass He Freeyle carpenter Tne of those people who asks what ternative musi san alternative to 3 Peter Pan memorabilia clletor, tothe point that it's kindof weird Ke profesional Ductals cosplaver [_ Disbarred practitioner of bird law M- The MC of math rap gro4p IN Former Jeopardy! contestant witha ifetime ban 0 cystl ball polisher Lizard impersonator (Q- Sexy him radio operator R- Danny DeVito 'S— Pink Floyd historian (Post-Syd Barret years enh T Alex Trebek bods double U~ Fan favourite on The Bachelor who lost out at the ose ceremony |V= Single season featured player on Saturday ight Live ‘W~ "Save the whales" campaigner, but a few Aecades too late X= The Braserhead baby, all gown up Y= Five Woody Woodpecker dolls of dubious Z ~The new step-parent your child isn't ready to Accept into thelr ie yet, Your Birth Month ‘Tan That resembles Epcot in its bday Feb witha dungeon but nt for weld sex suf) Mar — Where a family mysteriously and {Gowsomely were murder. year ag tonight ‘Apr Wit somewbere weep he children from our previous mariages May" Somewhere on we know ‘June — With at of wacky neighbours who anon drop infor advice and ‘uly = With a dangeon ony for wei ex sta] ‘Ag Shaped ke an exter large version of ‘object that tot ually eed a home Sept inthe sewers where Iblong Sees ree tens ates Nov ~Formery owned by 80s Hallwood Sensation steve Guttenberg ‘Dee Located ina Hallmack own tht only ‘ems to ent daring Christmastime ‘rerywhere people lover the word (and ‘bound aretiing in Bons. Tal bores, all ‘ones, off the round, on the ground under the rue ever: We work in Bos stan bones Eventing vader theson, inatox We ox tures ina bie fons openness, but weare Safe im our bones, You cm spend almost yur {mtr fe inthe boxe Sleeping box Working {io Hansport box Lie box. Leave our bones. Wataround and ffs ogo ints box foram our ore. Pease forthe ove ofa things eal nnd beni Than, Stay frosty the truths out there Some Notes on Architecture tyler riches and brie augustine okay so, there are sme pretty rough things that Humanity’ come up ih ia our time on earth ‘imate change war, pineapple para ~ but today (rete going tobe gsing an impassioned ertique rncmansions britlim, open concepts {defensive design, bird spikes nd otber assorted topics that gts doesnt have the guts to ay scholarship application tamed down atthe end high schol it asked me to explain what ms improvement i woul make tom community =i prceedettosent for 730 words abot th Ise to suburbia memansions the'e ch umeesore-all me WHY you coal poy teed that many diferent octet son shite pcket-enced pot of manicored ass pretentious. long story short they rjecte my it take number two: Roman Columns. Bring roman colnnns back. - brie hot take number three: brutalism, we've all seen robars turkey? peacock? i personally Subscribe tothe eke however think wee all ignoring what robarts ell isu yer hot tke number four: bird spikes. your uninteresting sign would lok better with bird {rapon itthan it docs with pigeon spikes allover i they ace nal, andl your sgn eno prime teal estate ri hot take number five: defensive design. bird spikes area part of a bigger problem: defensive design, defensive design isan have arm rst nthe middle ofthe bench — to keep people rom sleeping on them. we get it ‘municipalities. yon ite poor people. invest the ple's presence lke benches at bus tops that ‘money to build arm rests in programs to combat poverty and homelessness. oth. - ler vietorian architecture. if hous looks like it ould be in mortca adam pinterest page; iit Took like kids would avoid triekor treating there give me that lease. large stained glass windows are worth potential haunting, and if bla swan ad a ghost bovtiend maybe fd sath twilight. brie hhot take number seven open concept living. if you've ever watched an episode ofthe property brothers than you are probably Jntimately aware ofthe obsession of open ‘concept living: n which the hitehen dining room, andthe living oom are all one. bt can peoplep lease leave walls between eooms. first of al brenda you don’ ned tbe in constant glance of our children bt mor importantly diferent rooms with different functions exit fora reaon, there is no need f a kit-in-ving room. the fomo of ot being abl towatch your Rance chad play eal of day while ‘you pour yourself a sangria s too much. let house. - brie hot take nun suburbia. yer eights god I hate Tiny Take on Tiny Houses charlie wagnerchazalon Aa person paying way to much money for wea too ite apartment ina neighborhood that Smell ike weed by day and rine by ight frequently dream abo iting p my tiny two bedrooms and dropping iti the mle ofthe words to begin my of gid granola making business The difference between me and tn house owner is that | don't fucking do that because i's a tertile idea, you can afford to buy 200 acres of land in California wine county ‘ot cam probly aford to pat honse on {hats ig enongh to stand pn itera eannot think «reason people would actualy buy one ofthese things, Ach beads met belive theyre actually just a Fich person equivalent of paving the Sims befon ‘ou'e figured out cheat codes. Can the bourgeoisie just admit they want to pay architect and go away instead of plrtsing ising {na space smaller thon Harry Potter's closet? Stop thinking of innovative ays to make your ‘bd convert into a beer poog table an like contribute to the economy or somethin The only catharsis that soothes ty anger towards tiny houses and the people who build them is watching Architectre Digest’ ou of ‘multi-milion dolar apastments ~ because if You're going to pay an insane amount to ive in Something the sz ofan apartment, it should at Teast be a fucking wicked apartment Our Fascination With Watching People Make Food and watching people in general Iucy stark "aid in my bed, seolling through food fetish’ delectable feed of anonymous hands stirring up double choclate browne hater o slowly paling apart mozzarella sticks, ny mouth watering as imagined the harmony ‘of melted chese and fried batter passing though my ip. Aeros he om. my roommate's mouth watered too. ut not because the sa mountsin of eolrfl gelato or nutll infused crepes, but because she sé oer shacks: men. Man after man passed through her Tinder feed, her pointer finger quichs Aistingashing between who is worth the 19 km trp and whos jut another leftswipe The fanny thing i, while we both were Arooling over ferent things, ve were si the same position ving on our beds, partials dressed tying to motivate ourselves to wake up fan face the day, But our imaginations took us| “mewhere eke. Forme, tpt me ia the intehen, chipping up lvende-Infused meringue ies and for Monta, tut her ona as date, probably making Out with a cinema studies Student on fopol the ROM, We don't NEED to make tat food or go oh a date with tat bos, w an just imagine and ply out how it would fe) and taste in both scenarios). while many are that 2st century spectaorship and consumption of medias armful to e, pose anater argument: it makes is lee needy and raises our standards after exposing myset to every singe pin under the ied goods section on Pinteres, now teen [get the motivation to bake again Twi hot settle forany ordinary chocolate chip cookie Noir Iwill be making Chewy Browa Sugar Seu-Silted Chocolate Chip Cookies” and Twill ‘Sheviah every cooking tip by the icone soccer ‘mom whe blessed her mommy blog with this recipe And no longer ill Monit sete fora guy ‘vith an Avian fetish, commitment ses, o trend becatse she now she has 566 matches To chonwe fom, While exposing oueselves to that's out there may decrease the ing, tll iy spectacular people an food that enter our When t comes to delicacies Gn both ceible and mate form), we should never be Setling,Tobornow from the great comedian, Daniel Sows, you don't want to ore so he igsve pase of youre. I someone doesnt consistently make you if better, why spend time worrsng a yourselftoa shit rela the kitchen ad gto es.com for more satisfying one! time to enhance ovr Hives, ladies and gentlemen, means no more subpar dates nor snting baking sveatres Trove you frend food porn consumer Recovering Rehab Addict i'm begging for more than just a pop of colour Iucas hunteman merkur {had to stop watching home renovation shows Witnessing neverending parade of arate filled houses gutted to fit the La Croix of asthe was making me go fra Talways advocate doing what makes you haps! And ving in eggtell white homes with novntrior wale dors that fr people who ae ‘ery invested inthe 25 kids turban dream, However, watching them make these houses into a shrine to nentifation, white supremacy, and Shiplap made me wan to curl up abd de Removing crown molding, painting old oak doors neutral tones, and installing oversized ust” htcen lands should be listed as federal erimes. The image of upper-middle class Americana shoved down out throats on HGTV is fot only unattainable, but lacks any markers of individeaism, Each eouple ie presented as ‘innovators, siting an example forthe non txstent legions of llennial homeers. Yet ‘nithout fal each hows looks like a copy ofthe ‘ne that came before, Empty of personality fd co despite a mountain of accent pillows. >My design tastes are solidly maximalist, For me, rooms need to beled with colour with nel of rich textures covering every surface ‘alls maybe left wie but they must be Covered floor to celigin prints and paintings tnd photographs ~ salon syle. want my home Tobea reflection of myuelf, that shows al facets fy beings so canst in my sing room and feel enveloped in mown presence Tatil enjoy watching home and garden related conten, My recent youtube history s half Bon Appetit, ball ay apartment modular furnitor customization, These bit sind snacks erate the itch without subjecting me 1 ive lng, love’ wal at “Other alternatives are the Netflix shows Amazing Interiors and The World's Most Extraordinary Homes, Hoth focus on showcasing the unique spaces people have crafted to Ise Is ‘While some of the amazing interiors are just house-seed ear shines for extremely wealthy nen to display their eight Lamborghini, most are ery DIY. The second looks a homes that push the mits of what architecture ean do with tliving spice. A personal favourites the foitage-nsidea-greenhouse. Both ook at how people interests shape how they live and Cckbrate fy af architstrl ses all (2 ie created me wife yg anegedl yt Beat obey Va Flay with these hands ‘anti tsang a iy Fly ei n kos) eis tb tae boyy: blog whieh pubis ll the reasons why we should detest this pasty Texte dough complete isolence and hubris. Throwdown and Beat Bobby Flay are two more heties : An Ode to the Chef Lee \ seston encdaed sy Kink ing home chefs/professional competitors, WW" brie augustine iiorasackof nan howe sted restaurant scmpr const otras ently gen A daddy kink: ited, overdone, Achef ink uk myself than Tear toad Ghet Gordon tars command afte itches alittle sexy: Dont weal find Bobby Fay’ attention to deta alluring? There nothing Imore romantic than aan who offers to bring, sou to favour town. I's a world he constructed through his own ideals that hes sharing with you. Your daddy could never, Tis indeed hot in the kitchen, Not only can Thandle the heat, would like to, The rolled upeotton sleeves, the striped pants that gent highlight the Kitchen grown curves; these are the subtleties, thatthe overt nature ofa daddy Kink just does nt cover Moreover the chef ha ll of the grater bite ofthe daddy The absence, due tote lack of ime The ed for stress eet. Bat 0s fall: the ato Have yo ever heard ‘het ell aboot the sear on ascallop, HOT, Were eating loeal an in season and wee uperading, from the daddy kink, Aste know, or atleast were taught by non PN shows, the most artful fod i either purely ‘underlie (think global trations of street " orginal Mesa couldnt keep its doors open with ts Increasing NYC rent, The name shot enough, buco, only takes one la the Kitchen. He consistently post Sindrenched sles ike a Real H aera few drinks on a vinevanl tour. SAKE! Related, one of his only redeeming ‘qualities is is sde account dedicated to is at, the majestic Nacho Flay. We see yor Bob, just, rete fom cookery and live your best wine dad ie, In short, Bobby Flay claims he's food genius ‘who alee game to throve down, but dnt "hink he'd et 0 tough if oer hrs the thunce to eateh these hands Meae Puerae tiam p. bryant 1 can't promise that our home wile full flight, Oranything poetic tike that But I can promise thee be windows — Asbigas lean afford And wel be able t let a8 much through as we Tm not so certain about a porch either — ‘Or ansthing curios like second storey — But therellbe pace eno or the oth os, Ad we can dance, iyoulite, And cok fod that we Ie, Anu jst genera ge om with ie so otherwise beringand noncommital, {can't promise our home will be anything but Aching longing, tenderness, Coloring every corner and crevice, Butt will be home enough, Love permitting as 1m certain tat the paint wil change overtime, Anil that the windows wil tin the wind Bot the walls are And Ill be too Belmondo in My Bed ‘Belmondo in my bed, donning my blue pyjamas, gazing quiialy at mes, ‘The unruly waves of is hair secking refage on rm checkered bedsheet (Wanting to livin the Heaven where I press my lips where his neck and cavile meet, The thought of being i his arms ills my mind with lee). ers map ou your body: the peak ofthe jaw the rough ofthe knee, ‘The waves ofthe ving, honey ofthe ees so The lines and shapes on your chest guide my elie a street, Desiring olive Breathless if carefree But youre unt aman who starred in some movies in the past ‘Where you drove through avenues beamed with lights red, green, blue Orvalhed down the Champs-Elysées after Aang the lve Reminding me of my desire for something, ‘anything to last ‘Looking at films that ridicule that desire but to blind deste flew: Let me keep my rationality: my fatal aw. Real Talk with Big Sis TSwift ssubhijha 1 knew you were trouble when you walked in havea death kink ‘Wind in my hai, Lwas there, remember i Tefucked up my 844 haieut and blow dy ‘New money, sit and tie’ ‘Then You sid something race. 1'm dying to know: si killing you ke i's Kili me? Forssence 1 don't want to dance fT not dancing with Tean't be looking ike a dorky bitch al on my “rknow your favorite songs and you tll me bout your dreams. ‘And Tam just ike bro “Afyou come my way, jst don’, Seriously, I eal the police, uly "Remember hove Ist Td die for you? Mymom std no Bey what our doing witha gi tbetbat, OY She doesnt even ve a eeylable mug 72? oy ‘Words, how itethey mean when youre alitle SY too ate, ° Fuok deadlines bro x ‘And then youre on your very fst date and he's sotacan J And you're feeling ike telling him to sta about “hen you'e fifteen and your first iss ‘Makes your head spin round just dont do drags bro That you were Romeo, you were throng pebbles ‘And Yam jst ike get areal job o something, “You got tht James Dean, daydream Took in Eat shit freak Thanks and keep it real! On Change and Death in Soviet Russia, and ye everywhere else, you break "== and your toys abandon you [= ‘alex heyman ‘Once upon time, there was litle gel whose favourite toy wana stuffed rabbit One day, se lostitina garden and forgot about it entirely. (Some children are eke ike that, I suppose) Months later, when she returned tothe garden, shestumbled upon the rabbit ing right where she had left it Tt as forever changed though = ‘the sim beating down on its belly had faded its coor. The gil felt git for being so careless with something she thought she loved so mc, By the wa this stony actually happened We know aboot it because the gil wae the ital form of animator Rebecca Sugar, who has mentioned the experience at sce of eeatve When Twas a child, Labo abandoned a toy smal, imbless "mouse" that night have just, bbeen made as part ofa children's pz got tached 101, though, and when I realized Thad left untouched in the basement for months. T felt sad for itand brought it upto my rot recall thatthe Ty Story moves played role in nny “empathy” frit Thanks for emotionally