Brandon M. Dennis Thunk Leaves Home by Brandon M.

Dennis

www.oxhorn.com

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NARRATOR There was once an ogre named THUNK. THUNK grew up in a place called Dire Maul, but he wasn’t popular with the other ogres. When they were off killing humans, THUNK was eating turkey. When they were off killing more humans, THUNK was writing poetry: THUNK Me saw a little birdie That had a pretty head. Me came up fast and sat on him And now that bird is dead. NARRATOR And eating more turkey. Rejected by his ogre brethren, THUNK one day took up all his belongings and went out into the great wide world to seek his fortune. The nights were long, hard and grueling. When it wasn’t raining, it was hailing. When it wasn’t hailing, it was raining. And when it wasn’t raining or hailing, it was doing… something else. One night, as THUNK lay down by his fire, he was approached by a stranger in the dark. THUNK hears a snap and some rustling. He turns his head. THUNK Wh-who’se there? A figure looms in the darkness. Suddenly it bursts from the shrubs. It is an ELF. THUNK screams like a girl and backs up. Or maybe says something about it being horrible.

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com ELF

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Please… I’ve wandered the wastelands for days… can you spare any food? I…I feel faint! THUNK Oh…well me only have ’nuff food for– THUNK sees the ELF collapse and he runs to his side. NARRATOR Despite THUNK’s meager resources, he nursed the ailing ELF back to health (do princess bride reference with the dunking the heads in barrels). He caught wild turkey, boar and lamb, pulled them to pieces and boiled them together in the same pot. The broth was savory and strengthening, and after many days the ELF regained consciousness. ELF I don’t even know you, and yet you saved my life. Can I… call you… friend? THUNK Sure! Oh, me so happy! Me finally found friend. Here, eat this. THUNK hands the ELF a cup of animal soup. ELF Mmm. Wait… what is this? THUNK Me call it “intestine medley”. It very tasty! ELF Wha… you mean you’ve been feeding me MEAT this whole time? THUNK Oh yes, me only give friends the best!

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com ELF

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But I’ve lived my entire life until now without ever devouring the flesh of a living creature! Eating an animal is violent and I hate violence! I’ll kill you! At that the ELF lunges at THUNK but bounces off THUNK’s belly and gets rocketed into the distance. NARRATOR THUNK was very sad to see his only friend go. He was as sad as a confused treasure hunter who answered an ad on Craigslist titled, “Come find the end to my rainbow”. But THUNK was filled with ambition, and he refused to remain sad for long. He decided to carve out a living for himself by opening a soup kitchen. He traveled to Orgrimmar, where he heard that they gave out free money to underprivileged monsters. THUNK Hi! Me want to open soup shop. ORC Ah, well you have come to the right place! You see, we Orcs have spent our lives killing monsters for epic loot and XP, and we feel bad. We admit it, we were bigots, and we are very sorry. In order to make amends, we are giving away free money to all monsters! THUNK Yay! Free money! ORC So what monster are you? THUNK Me THUNK. Me ogre. Scene switches to a close up of the ORC’s list of approved monsters. As he speaks, his finger goes down the list.

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com ORC

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Ogre… ogre… *sheeeik* nope, sorry, you aren’t classified as a monster. No free money for you. THUNK But… me have horn… on head. ORC Yeah, but you’re bipedal, see, which is just too… conventional. Based on your body type, I’m afraid you’re disqualified. And we can’t give free money to someone who doesn’t qualify. We don’t want to look like bigots! Now move along ogre, you’re blocking the street. NARRATOR Poor THUNK was hurt and confused. Like all ogres, THUNK had a hard time controlling his temper, and he responded the only way he knew how: he released a floater in Orgrimmar’s fishing hole. He was banned from the city and told never to return. He made his way south, to the goblin city of Gadgetzan, in search of a good job. When he arrived he just stood and stared, amazed at all the moving gears and flying contraptions. GNOME Woah! Hey there big fellah! What are you doing in these parts? THUNK Me THUNK. Me look for work. GNOME Ah, lookin’ for a job eh? I might be able to help you out. I am a gnomish engineer, and I’m world famous for my ssssspllllendid machines. I’m the one who made the diversity robots. Camera quickly pans to two robots sitting in a corner. ROBOT 1 Diversity!

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com ROBOT 2

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Diversity! This goes on until a GOBLIN walks up. GOBLIN Will you two shut up? There is a slight pause. ROBOT 1 Racist! ROBOT 2 Racist! Both robots shout “Racist!” and chase the GOBLIN off-screen. GNOME Anyhow, my tools are too big and bulky for me to deal with. I need a strong brute like you to carry them for me. I’ll pay you five gold a day. THUNK Oh, thank the great Slug! Now THUNK never go hungry again. GNOME Uh… thank the slug? THUNK Oh yes, the Slug is Thunk’s greeeeeeeat ancestor. Flashback/dream-like sequence. The story THUNK tells is shown visually. Before Ogres, there was great Slug. Slug ate slime and sludge until Slug got really fat. Then Slug oozed first Ogres out its pores. All Ogres descend from first Ogres, and so we give thanks to great Slug.

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com There is a pause while the Gnome digests this. GNOME

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Wow, I should have known that you would have been a bumbling simpleton. Its all about industry, progress and machines now! It’s obvious that your feeble mind hasn’t advanced beyond bashing things with sticks. Get out of here! Your superstitious reasoning will just hold me back. I have no use for you. NARRATOR Now any rational man would take such abuse and go his merry way. But THUNK was an ogre, and in truth, he did have a penchant for bashing things with sticks. Which is just what he did. THUNK rampages through Gadgetzan bashing things with sticks. THUNK was cast out of Gadgetzan, and he walked off into the Shimmering Flats, alone. The night grew cold, and THUNK was lonely. He was as lonely as… something… that, gets really lonely. Or whatever. After a while, THUNK spied what looked like a campfire in the distance. He was wary after his previous encounters, and approached the fire with as much stealth as his race possessed. TROLL 1 So yesterday I bumped into an Elf in Shattrath who was polishing his own ears. He looked at me, said something obscene and then asked me where I got my ugly face. Know what I said to him? TROLL 2 No, what? TROLL 1 I said, “Your mom!” All three TROLLS laugh hysterically.

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com TROLL 2

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Ah, that was a good one. But let’s douse the flames now buddy, I need to get some sleep. I have a big date tomorrow. TROLL 1 Oh? Who with? TROLL 2 With your mom! All three trolls burst out in hysterical laughter. TROLL 3 Seriously though guys, I needs some advice. I just came from Durotar and I lost all my money. See, I met this lady in The Barrens and she spent it all. TROLL 2 Oh? Who was she? TROLL 3 Her name was Janet. TROLL 2 Oh. TROLL 3 Yeah. So then she ran off and I never saw her again. I hitched a ride with this other lady who brought me down here. Spent a week with her. Whew, she was a kick. TROLL 1 Really? Who was she? TROLL 3 Her name was Beatrice.

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com TROLL 1

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Oh. TROLL 3 But she ran off and now I’m stuck here with nothing but the shirt on my back. My question is, should I be responsible and get a job to better myself, or should I move in with this floozy I know? TROLL 2 Who’s the floozy? TROLL 3 Sheees yer mom! All three burst out I raucous laughter. THUNK then emerges from the bushes and immediately halts the laughter. TROLL 1 Woah, what’s this? Looks like Orgrimmar lost one of their zeppelins. THUNK Me THUNK. Can THUNK sit by fire? TROLL 1 Sure thing THUNK, plop your big butt down here with us. TROLL 2 Want some food? TROLL 2 offers him some meat. THUNK Oh, thanks! TROLL 3 How bout some ale?

Brandon M. Dennis

www.oxhorn.com TROLL 3 hands him a flagon. THUNK

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Oh, THUNK happy! TROLL 1 THUNK, huh. Funny name there, son. How’d you get it? THUNK Duh, mommy name THUNK for sound he make when he fell out mommy’s belly. TROLL 1 …Yeah, that’s just frightening. THUNK Wanna know what’s even more frightening. TROLL 1 What’s that? THUNK Your mom! There is a slight pause, and then all three trolls burst out into laughter, saying, “Listen to this guy!” and “He’ll fit in just fine!” Camera zooms out to an overshot of the four guys around the campfire eating and talking while NARRATOR speaks: NARRATOR THUNK made friends with with the most accepting people he knew— vulgar trolls who picked on him every day. And for the first time in his life, he was happy. FIN CREDITS

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