This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
carrying a bag and thermos. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. BARNEY I've been 3. Putz. BARNEY How bad? Minor. 8 * * * KATE Dad. Rushes out the door. 8A INT. BARNEY That's true. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. it's still a heart attack. where were you? calling all morning. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? . Barney's daughter. KATE Daddy.CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. STREET . KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. He finds his keys. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. BARNEY The ringer was off.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). Impotence is still on the table. KATE He thought it was indigestion. HALLWAY .
(beat) I'll call you later. BARNEY I'll call you back. BARNEY So I saved his life.. CUT TO: 9 INT. KATE Sure. dad. He steps in. elevator arrives. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at. On the elevator doors closing we. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. KATE You better. KATE My hero.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. Barney grins from ear to ear.. KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah. I'm stepping in DING. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. filled with glee at this news. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. . the elevator. It was your call that woke her.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. The 4. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. CAR . I'm fine.DRIVING .
and sits in his producers chair. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. TV SOUNDSTAGE . BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). making a "house call" to the local bar.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay. BARNEY Love you too. the long running soap . SOLANGE. CUT TO: 10 INT. KATE Love you. herself.DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. The CONSTABLE. 5. O'MALLEY. Great. 9A EXT. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. mid-50's and still handsome. The scene is painful for him watch.
let that be the end of it. Barney pushes through a door. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. leading everyone into -11 INT. (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. 11 . struggling to keep pace. BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him.YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. assistants. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . story editors. including MARK (40). BARNEY That's in a year. Everyone talking over each other. Barney whisks through the aisles . and they're open to renewing for two more seasons.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants.everyone still hot on his tail. MARK They're looking ahead. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. Yes I've seen today's paper. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. MARK Barney.
No one under fifty watches the show. Someone young. I'll give her your job before that happens. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. No way. If we don't do it.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years.CONTINUOUS 7. BARNEY'S OFFICE . BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. Maybe give Solange a sexy. She's been on the show since day one. MARK They're not asking. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character. BARNEY No. MARK They want to bring in a new face. Barney heads into -12 INT. this is our last season. 12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence.
Sexy as hell. They love me over there. instantly softens. Solange. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. MARK Barney. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. how do I look? Beat. SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. and he says-MARK Whoa. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. a real shark. Her tone . BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. whoa. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. Tell me honestly. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. Barney tosses the folder aside.
Barney busies himself with moving around papers.GRUMPY'S BAR. Grossly overweight. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar. 14 13 . blotchy salmon red complexion. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. She stops just before exiting. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. 9. slamming the door behind her for effect.DRIVING .PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. Jill directs Barney down the bar. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. puts her game face on and storms out. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. BARNEY'S CAR . JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. With a glance. Not wanting to get into it. JILL He's had more than a few already. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. 14 INT. slides off his barstool. CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. Barney ignores him. Solange takes the cue. then takes a deep breath. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. around 60.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. GRUMPY'S BAR .DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole .
Barney opens the book . none of this would have been possible without you. Marvelling at his idiocy. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. He's very drunk. be a "mensch". Barney looks at O'Hearne. 10. you're bound to go first. All the best. POUNDS it shut with his fist. If you won't tell me now. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. share in the moment. I carved him up with a chainsaw. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. I thought I'd buy you a drink. Look at you . like you might say. my ass. O'HEARNE Chainsaw. Detective Sean O'Hearne".BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. dumped the parts in the St. You'd never have the guts to cut him up. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. I even signed it. . Lawrence river.
LEO FASOLI. extremely handsome.TRASTAVERE. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON. O'Hearne is right up in his face. as we move around a crowded table. FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. INTENSE stare. actor. Locals. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. RESTAURANT . JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE.NIGHT . BARNEY Your breath stinks. Italian bearded artist. Barney's Algonquin Round Table. Panofsky. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. African American.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. three fawning girls with him. O'Hearne marches out. 11. Lively conversations overlap. sweetie. Copious amounts of food and drink. (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. He slides the book back over to him. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. ex-pats and plenty of girls.PAST TITLE: ROME. 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. INSERT . ROME . .
living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. . Barney's best and most cherished friend. So I tell him . I am now posse member number 4. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him. LEO To Cedric. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. Who do I look like.PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC ."Roberto.. Tall and lean. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. BOOGIE. Everyone toasts. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula". So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. as you have in thought".. (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. CEDRIC I'm an actor.
A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. whispers something in his ear. kisses him deeply. LEO Where did you meet her? . the Countess. no less. MARIA You look like a movie 12A. then walks off to the bathroom.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. star. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. The Countess then slides up to Boogie.
BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago.to Barney. If you could find out AND get her name. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. Leo. gypsy shawl and skirt. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. 13. my High Priest. pale and beautiful. CEDRIC Barney . I want to hear about all of you. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. LEO The show was a bust. actually. . BOOGIE (to Barney) And so.our very own patron of the arts. But enough about that.S. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates . I only sold one piece . What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well. and slightly showing at her belly. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job.) To me. skinny. I'm getting married. that would be great."not so good". tall. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. Everyone toasts. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26).BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. Three months pregnant. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O.
A toast to the newlyweds! your health. He starts to soften.. You're not one of us. ROME STREET . the party around them continues on. She instantly To 14. 16 EXT. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. CLARA I'm sorry. sharing a flask. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. switches gears to soft and loving.BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. It's fucking humiliating. the whole gang pours out into the street.. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. baby. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick. Hymie back in Montreal. Barney scowls at Clara.. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. curling herself around him like a cat. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. She gets on his lap. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . Barney and Boogie lead the way. You're still my yummy yid. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar.
Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. come on. Oh. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. I'm seeing. yeah. . you're not. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. 15. BOOGIE If you say so. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow. BOOGIE He's coming with me. I'm exhausted. CLARA Oh no. She's a conversation piece. LEO Yeah. who is quite smitten with him. Barney.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. C'mon. Oh. and I'm fucking pregnant too. CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. not a wife.
.PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street. 15A.
But you can read it so far.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. Hash . BARNEY Boogie. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. BOOGIE'S ROOM . When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. We only go around once. a small ball of TINFOIL. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside.HOTEL CISTERNA . Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink. 17 INT. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. a pack of rolling papers. Horse. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. They toast and drink. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. Absolutely brilliant. two packs of Gauloises. . Barney. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. BOOGIE We have to do it all. this is brilliant.everything under and behind the sun. 17 A bottle of Scotch. on and off the table. Opium.
BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. Then one day. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. . BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. Barney looks at him dumfounded. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. BARNEY Let me guess . it's not finished yet.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17. without warning or reason. After an ungodly amount of drilling.Vanessa is the editor's wife.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. her elasticity is restored. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being. INSERT . as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. and now a shell of the hole she used to be. Pious and pristine . a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. And anyway. As reward.
Clara is seven months pregnant. . STAIRS . helps her up the stairs. no one will think anything less of you. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. we're already late. 19 INT. Boogie. Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED).CAMPIDOGLIO .YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was.DAY Wedding day. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . 18.Bernardo Moscovitz. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. ahead of the others. wearing a black veil. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. Boogie. BARNEY Jesus. Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. BARNEY (beat) C'mon. prego. CUT TO: 18 EXT.CAMPIDOGLIO . Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent. BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. stop dicking around and finish your book already. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. prego .DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. you don't have to go through with this. Leonardo Fasoli. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office. Cedric.
Clara says nothing. CLARA Only two . BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. is chiama Clara Chambers. CLARA (CONT'D) There. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. firmi qui. They're locked in our attic. . firmi qui. Barney signs. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash.PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. Dumfounded silence. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky.Yosel and Chaim. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. I ran away on the honeymoon. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy.
AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it.NIGHT 20. I figured they should know. (beat) You still love your crazy Clara. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. sketches and paintings. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems. trembling with white knuckle fear. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. clutching her black wedding veil. CUT TO: 21 INT. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder.YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. She may be crazy. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. but she has her odd charms. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END. .DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. CLARA I'm sorry. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. a child terrified of the thunder.
(beat) I must ask if you know the biological father . BARNEY I'm the father. 21. DOCTOR'S OFFICE .PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse.for our records. in Italian) I need to find my wife . then to his charts. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . 22 INT.HOSPITAL . Barney is speechless. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside.Clara Panofsky. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino. (MORE) .DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. Clara strokes his arm.mi dispiace . DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. 23 INT. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk. than back at Barney. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry.I will speak in English. CLARA Oh Barney. Or Chambers. look her in the eye. lights up a cigarette. Or maybe Charnofsky.
CLARA Okay. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. 24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . it's disgusting to look at. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building. incredulous grunt. he walks off."what the fuck?". BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. BARNEY Clara. I'm ready to talk now. 24 INT. pours her a glass of water. 25 INT. He just lost a son. C'mon.HOSPITAL . chumps. CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. Barney looks at Boogie . The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. Surprise. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 . Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . man. 24A EXT. HALLWAY . Barney waits. BOOGIE Easy.DAY 22.
BOOGIE'S ROOM . He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. 27 . BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. STAIRWELL . 26 INT. Barney! Let's start over! Please. the color's come back into your cheeks.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. your insight is dazzling.someone who shops. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. Now you can finally go back home. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. Barney walks out and never looks back. CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck. CLARA Oh look. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. I did you a great favor.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always.CONTINUOUS 23. CLARA Come now. 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney.HOTEL CISTERNA .
empty wine bottles. feels for a pulse. I really do miss you.PINK 7-27-09 24.VILLA DELLA FONTE . snoozing on the sofa. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him. to a hung over Barney.. well up with tears. Yours. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. Barney drops to her. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V.O.DAY Barney runs up the stairs.CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust. I need you. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. I think it came a few days ago.. I forgot. I think it's important we talk. BEDROOM . Clara.. 30 INT. 31 INT.DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two. Nothing. 29 INT. 32 31 30 29 28 . 28 INT. I'll even make latkes. ashtrays..) Dear Barney. The candles completely burned away. STAIRWELL . throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. Sorry. KITCHEN .DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry. Barney reaches for the lighter. Please come for dinner tonight at eight. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT. the abstract painting of Leo's. Shit. I'm sorry.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove. that. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT ..
Hands clasped behind his back. studying the apartment. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. An Orthodox Jew. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. Your machuten.BLUE 6-25-09 25. CHARNOFSKY (50). Clara's Sketches. Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. Charnofsky wanders in. Clara's Paintings". Clara made it. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. drawn to look like Satan. I'm Clara's father. (beat) She said her parents were dead. Barney steps to the side. (MORE) . CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. Rising unsteadily. black hat. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. He opens the door. BARNEY We lost him. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. stands there. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry.
CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. People think highly of her work. It's not a princely living. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. He's a professor of literature at NYU. but they provide us with an apartment. CUT TO: 33 INT.BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. KITCHEN . She was a danger to everyone. ink drawings. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. Pours himself another. "I'm not Jewish". He used to encourage her. 33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. It all started when she was twelve. Poems. Tearing her hair out in clumps. That's when I started locking her in the attic. My wife would bring her food. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. I'm sure. She would refuse to eat. leave it outside the door. Charnofsky finishes his drink. "you're not my parents" she'd scream.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. My wife wanted to die. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. You should have a publisher look at them. you said? Filth about me and her mother. diaries. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. (MORE) . Ship them to my nephew.
The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. BARNEY I think you should leave. 34 INT. but only God determines the outcome. CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. We did everything we could.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway. went to Harvard. 27. It was a horror. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr. BARNEY She was obviously sick. Kupner. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. the best in town. 34 .
yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26). MICHAEL Hi dad.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out. mamzer. Barney's son.. oysvorf. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. BARNEY Get out NOW.. Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. He pauses for a moment. MICHAEL'S LOFT .DAY . BARNEY Michael. in his Brooklyn loft. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard. looking at the strainer quizzically. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her. 28. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT. He grabs the phone and dials.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. Turns the burner off. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. It's ready. 36 INT.BROOKLYN .? MICHAEL What? .KITCHEN .
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . Barney looks a little green around the collar. insurance policy. 40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. Israel is our insurance policy.FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3. He's getting the hang of this. 43 INT. Not the numbers on his tax returns . BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here.DAY . MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . I'll give you the target's annual income. 32.) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society.DAY . now seated. insurance policy. IRV (V. IRV This is my table.FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1. you tell him.O. nowhere else. Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. BARNEY It could happen here. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . You sit here.NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen. 44 . A silver-haired. 41 INT. It could happen here. IRV'S CONDO .COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . fat cat. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2.DAY .the real numbers. CUT TO: 44 INT.
but it could happen here. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. we get that. but tell Marv about the TV deal.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. SECOND MRS. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. Now listen. IRV Gentlemen. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. Irv's told me all about you. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. The ultimate . P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. boychick? Fundraising. voluptuous. BARNEY Irv. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. 'JAP'. it's all the same dance. They're hitting it off. Irv escorts Barney away. TARGET 1 Absolutely. she has a master's from McGill. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. IRV Listen. producing. stylishly dressed. P (30). Sit. P You must be Barney. and she's a real looker. I got a girl I want you to meet. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. I don't need to be set up. SECOND MRS. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. Cute.
ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. fine china. P Mr. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. 46 INT. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS .the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. 34. Panofsky. IZZY Swanky. SECOND MRS. dad.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. P'S PARENTS MANSION . that's the housekeeper.LATER Classical music. his father. stares at them coldly.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60).. They reach the door.. THE SECOND MRS. A short. walk up the steep steps. remember. IZZY I got it. kid. . The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. Polish housekeeper. BARNEY So. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. Don't worry. 45 EXT. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift. watch the language and mind the manners. FORMAL DINING ROOM . Her grating qualities aside. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -. Maybe Irv's right. having been a detective and all. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence.
IZZY Only when he blocked my view. then haul 'em all in. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. . and I'm trying to play it by the book. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. So I toss three in the back. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God.you figure it out". when a feller is young and you give him authority. call me Izzy. he likes to push (MORE) 35. Big score for a rookie. FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. that's so dangerous. IZZY Look. BARNEY He means unnecessarily. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. throw the fourth across the hood. And I was just a beat cop. gorgeous. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. I ain't gonna work for free.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please.
YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around. And most of the time I was. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. 35A. .
Let's make a toast. Barney flinches. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs..GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. . Cutlery tinkling. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. P squeezes Barney high up his leg.what a sweet little casserole you are.MONTREAL AIRPORT . But you're the one with the mansion on the hill. Izzy. Everyone continues eating. It's been two months since I last heard from you. P raises their glasses. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs. Barney and The Second Mrs. So get to shtupping and multiply already. Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up.DRIVING . IZZY I call it like I see it. Under the table Mrs. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. CAR . P.. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. You never know what tomorrow brings. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat. he hasn't slept for days.
BARNEY That. I have no doubt of. wiping tears of joy.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Anyway. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot. CEREMONY HALL . * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests. and his ushers: IRV. and her PARENTS .NIGHT 37. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . BARNEY Fuck me. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. BOOGIE. Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. have I got stories for you. LEO and even CEDRIC. THE SECOND MRS. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride. BOOGIE Listen. 48 INT.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit.still hoping this is just a nightmare.no questions asked. 49 INT. man. ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. . BARNEY C'mon. you haven't even met her yet. I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. RECEPTION HALL . A huge affair. all with the same haircut.
P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game. Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game. RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY What's the score? One . . LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night.NIGHT 38. PLATES LAND at various tables. CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod. P. Shit. Barney downs another shot.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke.zip. He joins Barney. 51 INT. But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band. RECEPTION HALL . RECEPTION HALL .The Second Mrs. Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU .Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms. then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs.GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . 52 INT.NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor. LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him.
shots. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. . P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. * * They all do a round of shots. Then more shots.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. The Second Mrs. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS.
knowing Izzy.GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. Irv. loves every minute of it. . The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes.
53 INT. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz. Anyway. Barney gives his father a big hug. But then. except for Irv. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. what's in your pocket? . there are ladies present. IZZY What..but we do it for appearances. As Barney escorts Izzy away.he comes at me with a chair. 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. Panosfky. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit . maybe you should tone it down a little.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . the ENTIRE TABLE. they provide a valuable service . 39. love him more. RECEPTION HALL . disperses. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time..I never bust the girls. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr. BARNEY Dad. I'll be right back.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here.
IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. BARNEY Thank you. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. don't embarrass me. striking eyes. BARNEY I don't know what to say. I want you to have it. 40. Slide out their glasses for refills. Gets his father in law in his sights. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. They walk to the bar. Barney is mesmerized.. no. but then cuts right back -(O. Gorgeous. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink.MIRIAM GRANT (28). Just as he is about to reach him.S.) . BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. Barney stomps off. From inside his jacket. Barney turns away. pushing through the crowd. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. classy. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. forget it.. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM .
notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. He's my father and he'll have your respect.NIGHT 41. I'm Barney. 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Father-In-Law is speechless. (CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television. She laughs. BARNEY We haven't met yet. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. 54 INT. Miriam . MIRIAM Thank you for having me. BARNEY Perfect. I'm Miriam.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. BARNEY That's the name of my company. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. That's something he can never tire of. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. RECEPTION HALL . Barney walks right up to her. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. not to mention really drunk. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager.
I wouldn't want it to bother you. the workers favorite story was. you guessed it.readers. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . MIRIAM Nice touch. She grabs a box of matches from the table. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work. BARNEY YES. * * * MIRIAM Who's winning? . that's okay. MIRIAM Please. the Count of said name. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. BARNEY Oh. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. The entire moment incredibly intimate. BARNEY The hockey game. Entertainment to make the day pass better. BARNEY Lectors. It's a Montecristo. 42.
don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . but I do read newspapers. P directly behind him. Anyway. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. I have a train to catch later. * MIRIAM No. LATER RECEPTION HALL .NIGHT 55 (O. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. P I see you met Miriam. MIRIAM Congratulations again.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo.sure . She's such a snob that one. He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. rises and extends her hand. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand.no . P She went to McGill with me. He stands.S.) . MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that. works in radio now.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. and with perfect manners. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS. P Barney? The Second Mrs. 55 INT. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. hockey? You follow 43.why? SECOND MRS.
" BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. So am I. INSERT . BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. seriously. They knock glasses. BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. P Oh Barney.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. wiping his sniffling. P appears behind him. Boogie sits beside him. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * . She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. for the first time in my life I am truly. SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch. irretrievably in love. The Second Mrs. His tie loose around his neck.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. 44. Boogie. Smart as a whip too. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Cars are honking. It's raining. I almost forgot. coked-up nose. so am I. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. draping her arms around his neck. CONGRATULATIONS. he's drunk and looks miserable. 56 EXT. MIRIAM. BARNEY Thanks for being here.
whom he finally spots. She's wearing her reading glasses. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. Barney grins from ear to ear.Herzog by Saul Bellow. looking for Miriam. 58 . He drops into the seat next to her. sprints down the stairs into the station. 57A* * Barney. passing from car to car. Thinking fast on his feet. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM. soaking wet.on your WEDDING NIGHT.. 58 INT. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. TRAIN .S. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met .NIGHT 45. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good. engrossed in a novel.. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. She takes them off. or stay with me. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. BARNEY I like you with glasses. Shuts her book .GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT. She's stunned. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria. bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. where a porter is checking passengers tickets.
That smile is enough to melt his heart. at a funeral. on my death bed. or a ticket. Beat. watching him still chasing after her. CONDUCTOR I.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. Barney finally concedes. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. tickets.) 46. (O. 59 INT. CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train. TRAIN PLATFORM . It really does. Among other things. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. BARNEY I don't have I. Every word he says . And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. Barney gets off the train. but won't look at him.the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out.D. .D. MIRIAM Go home. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. He stands . just like that. Barney. It's happened.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens.. sits at the window. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him.S.
Barney and The Second Mrs. I was so ferklempt Dr. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. P runs out and wraps herself around him. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome. the hospitals. 47. Everyone falls silent. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . bloody knee and palms. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. SECOND MRS.ROME . are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. 60 * Ripped pants. Oops. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes.he's a mess. SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. The Second Mrs. The Second Mrs. * CUT TO: 61 EXT. SECOND MRS. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. I could have told you what it was for.DAY 61 On their honeymoon. SECOND MRS. P'S PARENTS MANSION . THE SECOND MRS. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . . BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. P Oh my God. Barney steps inside. Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD.
HONEYMOON SUITE . Of course I will. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE. Okay... Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie.DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs. I'm just saying. Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune.. CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT. P (into phone) --Ma. I'll talk to you tomorrow..HOTEL . I'll talk to you tomorrow. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it.HOTEL ..ROME . DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT. and the soaps are to die for. slightly. P (into phone) --It's from Dior. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother. That perks him up 48.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.DAY 64 The Second Mrs. Arlene will die on the spot..H.. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?.. P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads. SECOND MRS. Okay. tell Daddy I love him.... Ma. P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother. sure..A. HONEYMOON SUITE . SECOND MRS.M. SECOND MRS.ROME .. you should see the bathrobes we've got here. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays. . they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y.. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you.
P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right.. we do have a big family. SECOND MRS. Oh good. SECOND MRS. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. She gets onto the bed beside him. BARNEY Jeff seems gay. BARNEY You certainly do. the one in the blue dress. P He just pretends for BARNEY . My cousin Jeff brought her. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. SECOND MRS. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. Right. SECOND MRS. I didn't even invite her. P Miriam Grant. Jeff is gay. BARNEY Who was she again? 49. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. P Good? SECOND MRS. P Well. Beat. the family. And what about that girl.. I think she was from New York. SECOND MRS.
COFFEE SHOP . The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. She dives back under and starts in again. a highly invasive procedure.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. I just got here. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL.but then POPS back up. Barney squeezes through the crowd. SECOND MRS.DAY . Nap? SECOND MRS.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY.DAY . 50. I took a cab. 66 INT. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. SECOND MRS. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. I'm late. gracing its cover. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. P I don't think so. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. BARNEY Sorry. P Okay. Hurrying down the street. 66 65 . The Second Mrs.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line. MONTREAL STREET . KATE That's okay. P With soap? BARNEY Yes. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. SECOND MRS.BOOKSTORE . P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -.
BARNEY I've upset Claire. No crazies today.perplexed. The man still can't fly out of the country. (to Kate) Continue. KATE Dad. haven't I? 51.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. Before that.is not going to happen. BARNEY By what? KATE By you. (to Barney) You do something awful. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. you opt for something infinitely worse. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. . (to cashier) Two double espressos. but instead of trying to make up for it. flaxseed .this . my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth .
KATE No he didn't. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. 67 . They get their coffees and walk to the door. it's time to lay off Blair. but it's time to let it go. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. BARNEY They're married. KATE My point is. STREET . They're happily married. She got remarried. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. Stick to the facts. I have a date. 67 EXT. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. BARNEY Funny.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. I'm sorry. 52. BARNEY He stole her from me. he's a nasty piece of work.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. You got divorced. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually.
DRIVING . BARNEY'S CAR .DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. A Montecristo. I think that's a sign of maturity. 68 Looks around. DECK . 69 . 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. BARNEY Right. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love. I like him.MONTREAL BRIDGE . 69 EXT. I definitely need a weekend in the country.COUNTRY ROAD . Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there.COTTAGE .NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. Barney stops walking. BARNEY'S CAR . behind him. KATE (CONT'D) Confused. 53. Macallan's.DAY Barney drives out of the city.DRIVING . (laughing it off) Well. What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab. Probably a squirrel. A RUSTLING comes from the woods.YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice. 67A INT/EXT. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE". We'll see.
their business.DAY .PINK 7-27-09 54. We now see why she was originally hired. Something RUSTLES again. trying to see through the darkness. leans on the wood railing. she's a total knockout.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. this time a little closer. O'MALLEY Thank you. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead. Constable. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. nurse. Look at her. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. From a distance. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. Wearing a tight. Hoping. TV SOUNDSTAGE . Barney stands.S. Waiting for something to appear. .) Great. low cut outfit. CUT! DIRECTOR (O.
there's a call for you.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. (MORE) 55. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. Really? matter.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney. A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. MIRIAM Barney. MIRIAM Well. words matter. and the gifts every week it's something else. OFFICE . Why don't we talk about it over lunch. Actions They have consequences. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. 71 72 . BARNEY I know. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is.OFFICE . NEW YORK RADIO STATION . 71 INT. INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers.SOUNDSTAGE . this has to stop. I'm sorry.
SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. I'm watching my figure..MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing. Barney? BARNEY Yes. Do Barney smiles. feeling like progress is being made.. With the phone tucked to her ear. (curt) I have to go. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act. P'S HOUSE .. The Second Mrs. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. then act accordingly. 56. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. yes. Thank you.. you understand me. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. No... There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously.. Ma. as you have in thought". P flutters about... SECOND MRS. 74 INT.. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated. .. 73 EXT. P'S HOUSE . rearranging knick-knacks. P who decorated it. exactly. what did I say wrong?. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age.
I'll pick you up at noon. KITCHEN ... I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs.... I wasn't talking to you. Ma.. BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house. ma.. P Tell me something . It makes her gag.. We just changed all the carpets.. SECOND MRS. I had to fire the maid. No. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place. P BARNEY.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall. I will.tuning her out completely. SECOND MRS. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going... Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. I know it's disgusting.YELLOW 8-7-09 57. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out. SECOND MRS.. Okay. She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT. She hangs up. SECOND MRS. THIS IS IMPORTANT!! .. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. deciding on something to hang.. 75 SECOND MRS. who do you think?. SECOND MRS. Looks at Clara's drawing again. I have to go. Goodbye.. Barney continues reading .you were at the game last night. To the king of Macedonia. you asked!.. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth. Listen.
BOOGIE C'mon. 76 EXT. This is what marriage is. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. Boogie emerges from the building.* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. His appearance is shocking to Barney. I had to fix one more time. FLEABAG HOTEL . Talking. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. See you in a 58. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. I was on a fifteen hour flight.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. couple days. Boogie gets in the car. In bad shape. 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. P THIS. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. high. * * . BARNEY Just get in. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. Communicating. stumbles toward Barney's car. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS.
DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. BARNEY Surprise. P I thought I'd surprise you. potatoes. drinking wine. THE SECOND MRS. P Yeah. greens. A roast. SECOND MRS. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. COTTAGE .COUNTRY HOUSE . . Barney helps Boogie up the steps. GUEST BEDROOM . it's called rehab.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. P is on the porch. 80 79 INT. SECOND MRS. and he needed somewhere safe to kick. 80 He's out cold. BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . SECOND MRS. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress.COTTAGE . 79 INT. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat.DAY 59.
SECOND MRS. While usually discreet about their clients. I called the florist. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. 81 EXT. DECK . She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this. SECOND MRS. P You don't know the half of it.COUNTRY HOUSE . no hesitation. BARNEY Jesus Christ.CONTINUOUS She follows him out. Barney stares out at the lake. BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. P Stop. 60. SECOND MRS. Barney. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. 81 He won't look her in the eye. P Be a man. . BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. Look what I found while going through your pockets.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. Barney storms out to the DECK. P Well played. SECOND MRS. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. This is ridiculous.
82A 83 OMITTED INT.Barney". (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. Call you later . P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed.DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. Fuck you. P No. She goes back inside.DAWN 61. GRUMPY'S . KITCHEN . SECOND MRS. 83A EXT.COTTAGE . but she's not going to cry in front of him. It hurts her like hell. You say you've never been unfaithful. . I don't understand what you want anymore. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day. It was the happiest moment of my life. And you are such a liar.MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes. 82 EXT. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. SECOND MRS. is a true country paradise. The Second Mrs. so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada. Now it's been months since we made love. The calm of the lake. COTTAGE . I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto. P Shmuck.
IZZY Boychick. IZZY Jesus Christ. listen. Barney drops down across from him. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. GRUMPY'S BAR . IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. BARNEY I have to get a divorce. Beat. I know how hard marriage can be. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No.YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know.DAY 62. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. 84 Two Scotches on the table. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. (MORE) .
Let's take a good. Many successful marriages were built on far less. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater . she's gonna take you to the cleaners. makes a nice. BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. Beat. 63. IZZY She's a tough cookie. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah. hard look at the situation. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. and then real life starts. ain't life grand.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. If you divorce her. . Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. flaky kugel and has a great rack.
let's do this. 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow. He considers responding. 87 INT. BARNEY'S HOUSE . Walks down the hall.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No. IZZY Alright then.. BARNEY Miriam. Barney drives up to the cottage.S.COUNTRY ROAD .S. IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely. 86 INT/EXT.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. 85 INT. P (O. 64. P (O. He opens the door to find..MORNING Barney enters the house. my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. Scotch. SECOND MRS. but then just hangs up. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. 87 86 . chugging coffee. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom.MORNING Still hungover. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM. SECOND MRS. COTTAGE .DRIVING . Cigar. BARNEY'S CAR .
CONTINUOUS 65. his sheets were soaked.COTTAGE .. BEDROOM . GUEST BEDROOM .CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in.. 88 The Second Mrs. P I brought him something to eat. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS. BARNEY My wife and my best friend. HALL . P. moaning. Kicking and screaming.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie. Barney is frozen with shock.. .. BARNEY It must have been magic. P storms out of the guest room past Barney.. naked. Once it does. then. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. SECOND MRS. he smiles. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT.COTTAGE . I still don't know how he got my nightie off.COTTAGE . SECOND MRS.BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. SECOND MRS. Things are looking up for him. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process.COTTAGE . and riding Boogie in the midst of hot. The Second Mrs. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room. he was trembling. she throws on whatever clothes she can find. P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs. HALL .. 89 INT. P This is all your fault. 90 INT. you bastard.
P Bullshit. 93 EXT. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. BARNEY I should kill you for this. and just for kicks. She gets in her car. 94 .COTTAGE . COTTAGE .YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. then I'll come for you. P Animal! She drives away. your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. HALL . don't she has a root canal today. He's already very drunk. 94 INT. 92 93 SECOND MRS. P I'm going to my mother's. 92 INT. I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake. starts the engine. P You tell her yourself! No.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. DEN . He follows. Barney right behind her. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. rolls down the window. 66.COTTAGE .CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset.
she brought me something to eat. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me. He takes it out.S. It was innocent enough to start with .. Boogie pours Barney a glass. BOOGIE You sly bastard .. but look here. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy. Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. * * * * * * * . I'm going to need you to do something for me. que sera sera.tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. 67. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. BARNEY Check the dining room.. waves it around. started talking you know how that goes . who reticently takes it.) I don't see any Scotch.you planned this all along.
He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers . BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. Hey. shmuck. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. actually. I borrowed for you. BARNEY Neither was I. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers.LATER There's more 68.COTTAGE .she wasn't too bad a poet. Scotch in the kitchen. Listen. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. More Scotch poured. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. You owe me. . 95 INT. sketch that's leaning against the wall. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. DEN .
BOOGIE Oh. Boogie pushes through the screen door. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta. A TV hustler. 96 .COTTAGE . man? I brought you in. 96 EXT. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. I put the right books in your hands. SUNROOM . BOOGIE I'm still working on it. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. the gun still in his sweater pocket. Barney follows him out.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. MASK AND FLIPPERS. You must have a snorkel and flippers here. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. 69. You know what. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. and look what you've become. you have. BARNEY You're a fraud. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. I educated you. BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had.
70. Not your hope. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. winded and woozy. I'll shoot. BARNEY Don't count on it. you prick. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. waddles onto the dock. I am not your pet project. I will! . and that's what you take as a personal offense. "The Life of Heinrich Heine". But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. Absolutely nothing happened to me. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. BARNEY Boogie. They break apart.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. that's his fucking job".CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock. bottle again. Not your vicarious life. BARNEY FUCK YOU. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. Boogie slips on the flippers. COTTAGE .
BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A.PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air. .
. Boogie grins. It appears the gun fired into the air. tilts his head back. 101 EXT. but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction. Barney's passed out on the sofa. LATER The bottle now empty.the gun FIRES -. do it! 71. see Boogie resurface. 99 INT. 100 INT. flying over a distant hillside.COTTAGE . dampened cavity you think is a heart. spreads his arms wide.one shot after another. pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 .Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake. DEN .DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. starting from a distance and approaching fast. C'mon.MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in. DECK .DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. We can't be sure. 98 INT.COTTAGE . woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. still half drunk. Barney hits the bottle hard . A silent rage boiling inside. Barney stares him down. 100 DEN .COTTAGE .BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy.COTTAGE . Barney drunkenly staggers forward. BARNEY Don't you fucking move. snaps on the goggles and the snorkel.DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN . Barney turns and heads back up into the house..
DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. O'HEARNE (O. O'Hearne saunters through the house. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far.COTTAGE . There's a big fire a few miles east. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. younger. Barney watches all this from the dock. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water. A POLICE BOAT out there too. KITCHEN . healthier than we know him to be. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT.S. He's broken into a cottage.) Busy day.COTTAGE . slimmer.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer.YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. steps up along side Barney. DOCK .MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house. sipping the beer. . 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall.
O'HEARNE Beat you to it.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. No shit. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE Yeah. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. I 73. I guess. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . BARNEY My first wife made that. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. you did. in a plastic evidence bag. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. to me for protection. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN.
Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. O'HEARNE After. then lays one into Barney's face. . O'HEARNE So you did shoot him. O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin.. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that. BARNEY Yeah. 74. right through his fucking heart. sending him to the floor.. BARNEY Yes.the florist gave us her name .YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk.Miriam Grant. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York .
then again. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. Now you got anything else to say. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. 75. we'll find the body before sundown. IZZY You leave your hands off him. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk. O'HEARNE Very sweet. you don't have a body. Barney lifts himself to one knee. talk to his lawyer. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. and now he's missing. but he attacked an officer of the law.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife. Unless you ate him.. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. . O'Hearne exits. when. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once.. BARNEY Go to hell. You threatened to kill them both.
some ice. No body has been found yet. Panofsky. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. and signs the marked pages. Let me get you 76. RECEPTIONIST Barney. TV SOUNDSTAGE . Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. dials. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. grabs the envelope. O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. We've searched the area for three weeks. alright. Our hands are tied. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. IZZY Alright. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. He rushes to the nearest phone.
DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. The phone rings.YELLOW 8-7-09 77.NEW YORK .RADIO STATION . BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. OFFICE . How about dinner? MIRIAM No. Miriam. BARNEY Please. CUT TO: 107 INT. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. Just once. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch. Miriam chuckles. well. 107 . Beat. that's it. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. I'm divorced.
and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. Pours them over ice.. Long beat. drunk. 109 EXT.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR.. BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon.MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters.MORNING Two pair of shoes.DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd.. well chilled.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear... Alphonse Daudet.MORNING Flying over Manhattan.. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite. 110 He does the same again .and again . clammy.. 109 108 HOTEL . Then dials the concierge. HOTEL RESTAURANT . He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter. A sunny morning in the big apple.and again. Waiting... scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men.HOTEL RESTAURANT . Takes a deep breath. make that two bottles and two dozen roses. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. three suits. at himself in the mirror. BATHROOM ." Barney drops his pen.NEW YORK CITY .DAY Barney splashes his face with water. 112 INT. four ties laid on the bed. The clock reads: 10:03 AM. CU .. Barney's seated at a table. Waiting. great.. pats himself dry. Looks 112 111 . Herzog. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty. HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT. 110 INT.NEW YORK .. 78. This is idiotic. NEW YORK CITY . He starts pacing. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . 111 INT.
. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. pale. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79.. (MORE) . Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. HOTEL RESTAURANT . the Russian is too salty. 113 Being led to their table. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. The Iranian stuff. MIRIAM Hi. don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. startling her. and no. (to waiter) Just the Champagne.DAY From the bathroom. HOTEL RESTAURANT . MIRIAM Yes.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. we should have champagne.DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. take your time. 114 INT. Champagne? This is an occasion.TABLE . nervous as hell. Barney doesn't look so good. She's a heart stopping vision. BARNEY HI. BARNEY Great. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. And some Beluga. Sweaty. BARNEY Of course.
. we're finally here together. now we can celebrate. Oh.. I want to be clear on something. Miriam 115 . He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. The waiter arrives with the Champagne. There's so much I want to talk about. MIRIAM Barney.have you read. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . BARNEY Of course I did. are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account.. 115 INT. MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great. Barney opens his collar.. uh. MIRIAM You hardly know me. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. hold on. I know ... what's it called. 80... pulls the bathroom door shut. you. Barney's panicking..DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. Perspiration forming on his brow.. me. desperately trying to hold it together. BARNEY Wonderful. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney..BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here..
MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. by the way. 81. VOICE (O.) Room service. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". CUT TO: 116 INT. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. reading the New York Times. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. MIRIAM Don't be so modest. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet .DAY 116 . her legs crossed.S. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair.BLUE 6-25-09 Then. there's a KNOCKING at the front door. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Barney stirs awake.nice reference. Beat. BARNEY Never. BARNEY I'm an idiot.
getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause.. MIRIAM I'm still here. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. STREET . The pause. He covers his face and begins to MOAN. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up.NIGHT They walk along the East River.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. I don't want it to happen. And then he finally just runs out of steam. Beat. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. Their body language now 118 117 . and maybe a slice of pizza.DUSK They stroll along the park. EAST RIVER . credited to John Fitzgerald . MIRIAM There it was. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged. or a break. Off Barney's delight -117 EXT.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. 118 EXT. She pries his hands from his face.. more intimate. He hardly even breathes between words. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term.CENTRAL PARK . 82. Barney rambles on. Ever. I'm absolutely starving. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time . He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. we'll get some fresh air. BARNEY Yeah.
and that has to be enough.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. He was my hero. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. MIRIAM No. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. Right away. It devastated every part of her. Mind and body. That's what gave her cancer. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. Barney thinks hard. and life is real. 83. that's what scares me about you. Heart and soul. BARNEY I would never do that to you. I'll do anything for you. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. He knows he needs to come up with something good. Miriam. MIRIAM See. He SNAPS it shut for effect. That's not real. Don't answer 'anything'. it's not. After all you've done to pursue me. BARNEY Anything. .minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. It's made up of little things . MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. (beat) It killed my mother. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. And that will never happen to me.
We're going to be needing it. Guests are still up at the house. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. you're not going to do that. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. 84. on the porch.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend.COTTAGE . staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. She kisses him. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy. . DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT. DOCK .DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. It's a beautiful night. She wraps her arms around him from behind. Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. Barney can't wait another second. drinking. Barney is out on the dock alone. NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. Only closest friends and family are in attendance. COTTAGE . grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips.NIGHT The party is winding down. tears already streaming down his face. slow dancing. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her.
. 121 Barney and Miriam's apartment. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT.DAY (1982) 84A. (Where Barney still lives).
He runs and leaps onto the bed. BEDROOM . BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. Barney. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 . His eyes filled with tears. MIRIAM Oh. 122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Really? 123 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT. put it in the freezer.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love. BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap. Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. Then it won't make you cry. who is only a few months old. BABY'S ROOM .DAY 85.KITCHEN .DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers.
DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake.LAKE . his children. The sky a perfect orange hue.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. takes a deep breath. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. leaving it at that. holding onto this moment of perfection. and his gorgeous wife.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him. He closes his eyes. typical Izzy-ism. Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam.YELLOW 8-7-09 86. kid. The sun is setting. drinking Scotch. What? IZZY You did good. 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape. smoking cigars. . their feet up. He opens his eyes. A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT. COTTAGE . Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. COTTAGE .
MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow. angrier. The engine won't turn. Tree hugger. Harmless. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . Soft. working up a big sweat.just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor. Michael stares blankly at him. Beat.harder. Don't worry. and again. dad. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No .thanks .BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No. Again . He takes a breather. . Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. BLAIR (O. 129 EXT.it . 87. He tries again. Birkenstocks.BLAIR (52). COTTAGE . BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in.DOCK . BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES.S.
KITCHEN .GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. BARNEY What do you do. 88. tying his and Barney's boat up. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. 130 INT. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. COTTAGE . Really? At WZAJ. I just moved from New York. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. . but thank you. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it.
thank you for listening. COTTAGE . CUT TO: 132 INT. MIRIAM That was nice of him. Blair waves. they all step outside. Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio. MIRIAM (V.KITCHEN . CU . BARNEY Fire it up. and I should paddle back before it gets dark. then hops in his canoe.S. 131 EXT.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose. They all say goodbye and Blair exits.O. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love".DECK .) Yeah. BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener.upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor.CONTINUOUS 89. 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock. I'm Miriam Grant.BARNEY CRYING 132 . And I re-attached the rip cord. BARNEY (calling out) Michael. It was lovely to meet the both of you. As always. RRRRR . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .NIGHT .
BROOKLYN . He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. hi. Michael. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar.YELLOW 8-7-09 90. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref. A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT.NEW YORK CITY .... CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 . get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters . I land at five. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT.. TAXI .NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. BARNEY Hello?. Barney is yelling at the TV. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. MICHAEL'S LOFT . MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. okay.. The phone RINGS. The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat.. briefcase.. CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. I'll just grab a cab to your place.. He answers. love you. He hangs up. Michael greets her at the door.DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him.business suit.
BARNEY (CONT'D) There. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that. of course. BARNEY Michael. I'm sorry. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. Barney turns the TV off. Michael begins to follow. but is met with silence. Michael stops. BARNEY MICHAEL. She heads off to the bedroom.BLUE 7-3-09 91. . BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. MICHAEL Good night. Thank you. I have to get up early. CAROLINE Turn that down please. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. Barney looks to Michael for backup. you wouldn't do it in the first place. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. wait-MICHAEL Good-night. BARNEY Michael.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
142 INT. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. We'll retire early. I don't want you to. So you could be here with the kids and me. 97.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. get a Villa on Lake Como. But Michael's gone.BOOTH . and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. I'm behind it. We both agreed that was important. travel. Jean. (beat) I need to do this. Jean leaves. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. Barney sulks. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. as always. go to Italy. A hundred percent. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. CBC RADIO STATION . polishing off his wine. BARNEY Thank you. BARNEY I'll quit working. Whatever you want to do. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. MIRIAM It was important. 142 . JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. soon Kate will be too.
The ON AIR light turns OFF. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. GUEST It is was a pleasure. 143 INT.BARNEY'S CELL PHONE . BLAIR Really.. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. 145 INT. HALLWAY . Thank you. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT .. Would you excuse me. He 146 The 145 144 143 .Well.NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house. that's all the time we have.CBC RADIO STATION . Thank you so much for coming in. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. MIRIAM Stop it. Blair. ringing. CBC RADIO STATION . Mr. I'm going to call Barney. BLAIR Of course.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar.HALLWAY .on the bar. Upset that Barney didn't answer. Dalhousie. you're a natural. BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic. watching the hockey game. Miriam.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. 98. doesn't hear it. 146 INT. GRUMPY'S BAR .BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM . MIRIAM Thank you. 144 INT.NIGHT Miriam hangs up.
148 He's drunk 99. like you've done a thousand times before. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. and trying very hard to be quiet.BEDROOM . I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. quiet apartment. MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. MIRIAM Okay.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT. BARNEY (beat) Yes. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON.CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. (MORE) You knew . MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. 147 INT.
CEMETERY .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY . IZZY I'm not alone. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. But he's not very convincing. The good ones go 100. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. 149 EXT. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No. IZZY Thanks. Good night. She turns the light OFF. Wife to Izzy. fast.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space. Mother to Barney. See that? That's alone. but no thanks. BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. IZZY You should get one.1925 .1972. BARNEY I was thinking. . we don't sleep apart.
No wife.PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. (MORE) 100A. I'm going to be right here with your mother. That's alone. No kids. .
need to get laid. exhausted. 151 EXT. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history.NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan. THREE wives! 150 INT.DEN . brings a cigar back to the table. Without a moment's pause.DINING ROOM .BEDROOM . IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out.CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. Long silence. guests continue with their conversation. please don't smoke that. 152 INT. BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch.. Miriam sets down her book. He gets up and MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Miriam's reading. . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . You know it irritates Blair's asthma. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney heads out to the den.. are over for dinner. IZZY I'm used to being without her.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. Barney stares at the ceiling. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse.NIGHT I 101. much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her. Mr. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR.
GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl. MASSAGE PARLOR .NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. She takes his hand.. Barney 153 154 INT. Barney's eyes searching. Beat.NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. 153 Barney groans. At least he went happy. EXT. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. The Madame. 102.. He's at a loss. She stops in front of room #4.. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time. You made him so proud. parks right in front. who is sobbing. Reaches for the phone. then enters. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 . The phone RINGS.? Barney nods.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished.. MASSAGE PARLOR . She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. the girl left the room to get a hot towel. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. When she went back in.RECEPTION . Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney.
Then he squeezes it tighter. patting his father's hand. Goldie shuts the door. peaceful. They share a quiet moment. Izzy's body lays on the table. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil.CONTINUOUS 103. 155 Barney enters. 156 INT.LATER 156 Barney exits the room. MASSAGE PARLOR . MASSAGE ROOM . a box of kleenex.RECEPTION . The lighting dim. half-grin on his face. pressing it to his forehead. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 . The walls bare. and starts to cry. He sits beside Goldie in the reception.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. Beat. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. Barney reaches into his pocket. leaving him alone. holding it with both his hands. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. He starts to laugh at the situation. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. covered in a white sheet. takes in the room. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his.
Attorney. thanks.YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104.S. KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn. He sets down his pieces.. 159 INT. Barney stares at the board.SCRABBLE BOARD. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION . BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch.then puts it back. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT ..NIGHT . KATE What word is that? INSERT . KATE You're missing half the letters..DEN .stares at it quizzically . Dad. Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate.? BARNEY Sorry.) No.
dad. She cries as long as she needs to. She gets up and starts to clean up. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. KATE No.. He 105. No. for her to start crying in his arms. BARNEY It'll be okay. BARNEY Leave that. That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom. I know you're tired. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine. Barney watches her go. I promise. FLASHBACK TO: . I'll do it. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center.. They break apart. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. KATE Let me. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. I'll get it. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue.
CBC RADIO STATION .GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT. A LIMO waits right outside the door. Leo Fasoli. She gives Leo a kiss. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. Leo lights a cigarette. LEO Andre Gide. CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. 161 * * * * * * * . once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost". cara mia. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. along with Leo's flavor of the month. He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. For all his success. then extends her hand to Barney. What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. there's a sense of melancholy to him. LEO FASOLI (61). MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist.BOOTH . the French author.PAST (2003) 106. Leo. But then you returned the money.DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out.DAY . 161 EXT. BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. Barney and Blair watch from the booth. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute. saying you no longer wanted to do it. She slips into the limo.
It's a real coup for Miriam. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. . 106A.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs.
DINING ROOM . Long silence. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. Miriam heads to the kitchen. BARNEY Here's hoping. 162 INT. woman. BLAIR I don't have it yet. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? .BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. BLAIR Let me help you. She's an amazing 107. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. MIRIAM Guests don't clean.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. It makes me happy. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. MIRIAM Yes you did. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. They hug. Miriam begins to clear the table. They drink.
MIRIAM Thanks. but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses.to confront Barney. doesn't mean you can't be assertive. Blair exits. BARNEY A month? Jeez.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . DEN . and again. MIRIAM Thank you for coming. 164 ..BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month.. it was a fantastic interview. congratulations. Push them. BLAIR I'm not gay. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that.. who is just lighting up a cigar. 163 164 INT. BARNEY Just because you're gay.CONTINUOUS . don't be so soft. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108. INT.DOORWAY . but-Miriam enters. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night. BARNEY I didn't think so.
okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. . What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. I'll take the week off. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. BARNEY Okay. Let's just skip that whole part. BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. MIRIAM No.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. We're fighting about you. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. I think a little time apart will do us both good.
Barney grabs the keys. I have the keys right here. RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. he's scared to death. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. BARNEY My car was stolen.IN MEMORIAM. Find out what I have to do to report it. 166 The taxi 166 INT. pulls away. Anxious. walks away. RECEPTIONIST Good morning. A RETROSPECTIVE. It's only a week . Actually." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Barney.okay? 110. OFFICE .MORNING . CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. greets him with a smile. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . Barney nods but he's not happy about this.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling. Spring has arrived. Coffee in hand. 165 Barney rides in a taxi. The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married. She gives him a kiss and exits.MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood. TV SOUNDSTAGE . It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI . ON THE SET 167 . He's fidgety. TAXI CAB .
. SEXPOT (21). young.YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. ditzy. cast as the new Nurse.
) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. 168 INT. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. SOLANGE enters. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. the gym for that. Even though it's Barney's show. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. 168 . SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. That's the point. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. SOLANGE (O.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. Barney continues his searching.S. He's frustrated. angry. tight outfit her character would have worn. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. He ducks out. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. SEXPOT Oh. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. BARNEY Nope. eager to tell him something. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. BARNEY'S OFFICE . I go to 111. I won't work out here. She's now directing the show. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause.
. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . get over it. 112.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now. forcing them to raise their voices. 169 INT. The coffee machine stops. First Class. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years. The machine REVS and GRINDS.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac. Dead silence. He makes his choice. The entire office watching them. Barney looks at the ticket. OFFICE . Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. Chanel glasses.. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office. Solange fights back tears. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 . SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. Solange follows. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney.
shit. BACK TO: . NEIGHBOR (O.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence. BARNEY Fuck. he's late. Barney turns back inside. we're late.FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper. Barney stares back. BARNEY Good morning. INSERT . BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago. Drops the paper on the table. FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT. Barney looks at his watch -.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw. Something he reads upsets him. DIES AT 66. JUSTIN Hi Barney. Hops up to get ready. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .FRONT PAGE BLURB .) Justin.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE ." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet.KITCHEN . HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER.FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. (CONT'D) 113. Justin runs off. 171 He stares up at Scans the front page.S.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI. Barney. INSERT . 171 INT. come on.
MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. Just answer them. Solange approaches him carefully. DR. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . long time physician.PRESENT DAY 114. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. MANDEBAUM'S office. DR.DAY . SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT. (beat) Barney. BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 ..BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT. 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. there's no right or wrong. BARNEY April. DR. DR. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. DR.DAY Barney and Solange are in DR. BARNEY'S OFFICE ..
and frantic without Miriam around. then ringing.O.. MANDEBAUM Just answer it. (holding out phone) Mom. I can't even find the fucking thing. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello.. goddamn it. DR. INTERCUT 175A* . BARNEY A. please. MICHAEL (V.BROOKLYN . MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too. it's German. that's fucking embarrassing. DR..PAST (2003) Scotch in hand.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment. MICHAEL'S LOFT .DEN . Barney paces while on the phone. * FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT. put your mother on the phone.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal.. 115. hi. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT ..DAY .) Hello? BARNEY Michael.... Desperate 174 175* 175A INT. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty. you know. dad.
you did. MIRIAM Barney. and that got me thinking and. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today. That's a big thing. BARNEY I've learned my lesson. Come back 116. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. I can't sleep without you beside me. well. Please. tonight. please come home already.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. That we'll be together forever. (MORE) .. I just needed that settled.. MIRIAM I know. BARNEY I'm sorry. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first.
I love you. Now I have to go. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. going out of his mind. So they called him down for a final interview. MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. 176 INT. But I'm still not coming home today. GRUMPY'S BAR . He's already quite drunk. empty house. BARNEY I love you.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. but I really do have to go. BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer. not knowing what to do with himself. Goodbye. Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant. 117. Barney looks around the big. She hangs up. No way! Barney shrugs.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? . I'm enjoying my week with my son.
Now. naked. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. 180 179 177 178 . MANDEBAUM Whoa.DAY Driving home from the airport . would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. in a state of panic. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. DR. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. Barney watches her walk away. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test. BARNEY I need a test. BLONDE That's okay.DAY Barney. 179 INT. 180 INT.DEN . (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. Morty. Barney stares up at the ceiling. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. whoa. BARNEY'S CAR . Syphilis. AIDS-DR. slow down. I don't remember. sweaty and satisfied. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE .NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. I remembered you right away. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. 118. And I need the results as soon as possible. Gonorrhea. DR.DRIVING .
119. MIRIAM I missed you. Go. BARNEY I missed you too. Barney's acting strange. (to Miriam) It's work. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags.I'll put on some tea .. 182 INT. MIRIAM It's good to be home. Barney LEAPS to answer it. 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him. Barney. relax. Both anxious and nice. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on. MIRIAM I have a better idea. ..DAY They walk in from the airport. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. Too nice.BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. talking from the other room. KITCHEN ..CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water. Problems on the set. she's in the mood for love. The phone RINGS. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen.and run you a bath.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
. I'm not sick. I'll be in the bedroom. thank God. MIRIAM (O. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? . Barney walks into the bedroom. The phone in her hand. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat..CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'. 183 MIRIAM I don't know why.) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes.. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME... You were acting so strange. She's trembling. I am. bye. you. Barney takes a deep breath.S. Thank 120. BARNEY I'm not sick. so?.. Terrified. oh. BEDROOM . Naked. BARNEY Morty. He hangs up. 183 INT. MIRIAM The way you cough at night. She has to sit down. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. Miriam exits.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. but I dialed star 69. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. okay.
A KNOCKING at the door. Miriam is completely devastated. Off Barney. completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT.PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . She storms out. 184 . BARNEY It meant nothing to me. Miriam.YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat.NIGHT . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM HAD a life. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please. We have a life. 120A.
MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk. FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? . She nods . Alphonse. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. hands him his drink.that's for sure. her eyes filled with tears. The door opens revealing KATE. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. You could use one. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show.DEN . 185 INT.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" .BLUE 7-3-09 121. Kate exits. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. KATE Here you go. BARNEY Easy. Kate is standing in the door watching him. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. all the way from Montreal. Barney looks at her with surprise."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield.a request from our ever faithful listener. Alphonse. She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. Barney grins. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM (V. kiddo. And here's one for you Alphonse . Kate nods. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks.O.
but your mother and I will work through this.YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122. He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. ungrateful prick. Barney SLAPS Michael. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. Back and forth. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. you miserable. We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. 186 INT. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you. tearing the room apart. BARNEY Watch your mouth. BARNEY Michael.CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack. It's so utterly shocking to both of them.PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. his father.KITCHEN . but it's hard to get past his flailing arms.Barney shatters a framed photo. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. I'm still your father. Kate runs in and tries to stop him. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better. Her eyes puffy from crying. Michael won't even look at his father. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Michael then storms out of the house. wait. Barney paces back and forth.DAY . Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand.DEN . BACK TO: 188 INT. that no one can move or say a word. . but she still loved you.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent.CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. Kate is unsure what to do. while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. His eyes filled with tears. STOP. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. carrying two cups of coffee. is trying but unable to do his tie. in his best suit. The elevator doors open revealing Solange. STOP!! He finally stops. won't make eye contact. They say nothing. 123. There. SOLANGE Here. FADE OUT: 189 INT. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . WALK-IN CLOSET .BARNEY'S APARTMENT . . His frustration finally boils over. Barney. let me do it.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. He looks up her.BEDROOM . She steps to him and does his tie. been. PLEASE. 191 INT.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. 190 INT.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand.
Barney sits tight. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden.DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. 192 AND 192A 193 EXT.GARDEN . elegant and graceful as she ever was. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . .PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. He takes one last look in the mirror. drinking a glass of sparkling water. She walks out first. Every bit as gorgeous. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124.
. They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. but it's over. We had a beautiful marriage. I want you to be at peace with that. BARNEY We can't. BARNEY You look fantastic. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again.PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. but has to fight off tears instead.. They sit. can't we? No. We 125. She tries to laugh. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me. all know where this is going.all the important stuff in case I get lost. Kate's numbers. MIRIAM We can be friends now. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. She nods. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. Solange -. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? . MIRIAM You look great. But I do have crib notes.
are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. Heaven. 194 195 They grin with anticipation. which one he is supposed to use. 194 195 OMITTED EXT.GARDEN .A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. 197 196 He can't remember . Mmmm. JEAN Bonjour. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN . LATER CU . Miriam hands him his fork. And they eat cake. She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery.. 197 INT. BARNEY Thank you.DAY 126.MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. She races over to Jean. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat.. LADIES BATHROOM . Barney and Miriam each have one. Carries it past her lips and savors. Miriam slices through the moist.RITZ CARLTON . MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT. warm chocolate sponge.
but forgot his wallet on the table. MIRIAM I thought I lost you. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. why don't we go home. Miriam cocks her head. beat up WALLET. 198 INT. he paid the bill. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. BARNEY Look at you.she pulls it out. CONGRATULATIONS. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet. Barney is standing there. The paper old and cracked. Jean hands her Barney's old. did you see Barney? JEAN No. the kids are gone. I got so scared. BARNEY Lost me? Hey.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . curl up in bed. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL .GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. 127. watch a movie.. * . Without thinking why . you're practically shaking.THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. takes her breath away. wondering why he said that. Madame. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT . He's carried this on him all these years..
Boogie's bones with snorkel. 199 .PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids.? BARNEY Yeah..NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch. was the only suspect in the case. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT.. Barney Panofsky. who went missing over thirty years ago. MOUNT ORFORD . as happy as he's ever been. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. the kids. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up.DAY ON TV . 128. He pulls her close. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". She falls into his embrace. MIRIAM Let's get you home. don't cry. flippers and goggles. His friend. You're the one who dropped them off at school.
REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. KATE (laughs) Oh. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange. doesn't mean he didn't kill him. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 .COTTAGE . KITCHEN . Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. For years now. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. that.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him. MICHAEL Okay.BLUE 7-3-09 200 129.
SUNROOM . Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. It's a picture perfect day. but it's true. While she signs the pages. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever.COTTAGE . They continue out to the -206 INT. Daddy asked me to keep it going.CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. just in case she checked the number. To make her feel good. . Michael and Kate sit. Michael looks out onto the lake. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. Kate drips honey into her tea.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. Hands it to Michael. DEN . He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. 130.CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth.
Beat. the original painting by my late friend. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. Leo Fasoli. KATE Only until death do them part. Miriam Grant Panofsky. done. Hands it back. MICHAEL I agree.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. She's married to Blair. She finishes signing the agreement. Yeah. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. MICHAEL There's one last thing. 131. It's not fair to her. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. Okay. but it's not relevant anymore. I leave our city condo. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. * .
He didn't do it.DAY Michael 132. lights it. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. MICHAEL Try it this way. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. Michael exits. 208 EXT. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. even react to Michael's presence.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. oddly. Michael turns the Banana over for him. KATE Stop it. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. Clips and . Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. COTTAGE . Turns it back over again. KATE He's our father. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake.
smoke it just fine. KATE Standing on the deck.. Oh my God. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. Blades of thick.. if any. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. did you see that? He turns to Barney who.. I'm so sorry. having gotten away from the young family previously. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. The plane descends toward the lake. Barney continues to puff on his cigar. just don't tell Kate. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. but his thoughts.. dad. holding it. Tears in her eyes.DAY Bright. much to his surprise. dad.. FADE TO: 209 EXT. green grass flutter. CEMETERY .. A perfect blue sky behind them. are a mystery to all. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. Michael takes his father's hand. Watching this. His eyes light up with excitement. Barney is able to 133. 209 . watching them. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL.. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died. It opens its hull and drops its water load . The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. It pulls back up into the sky. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. it suddenly comes together for Michael.. the hull closes.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. is watching the plane too.
Maybe the most picturesque spot ever. CEMETERY . she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips.. 134. MOVING WITH MIRIAM .as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers.beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END . the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 . 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down. A view of the entire city. then starts back down the hill. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave.DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery.GRAVE SITE .GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path. 210 EXT... Her eyes moist with tears.2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE .
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