This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
BARNEY Really? KATE Really. BARNEY That's true.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. Putz. Barney's daughter. KATE Daddy. 8A INT. STREET . The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later.CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. BARNEY The ringer was off. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? . where were you? calling all morning. He finds his keys. carrying a bag and thermos. Impotence is still on the table. 8 * * * KATE Dad.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). it's still a heart attack. KATE He thought it was indigestion. BARNEY How bad? Minor. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. BARNEY I've been 3. KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. Rushes out the door. HALLWAY .
DRIVING . I'm stepping in DING.. KATE Sure. He steps in. filled with glee at this news. CAR . The 4. BARNEY So I saved his life. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. elevator arrives. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. the elevator. KATE My hero. BARNEY I'll call you back. I'm fine.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. Barney grins from ear to ear. CUT TO: 9 INT. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. dad.. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. On the elevator doors closing we. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. It was your call that woke her. KATE You better. (beat) I'll call you later. .
The CONSTABLE. KATE Love you. SOLANGE. BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. O'MALLEY. CUT TO: 10 INT. Great. BARNEY Love you too. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. 5. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. making a "house call" to the local bar."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". herself. He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. The scene is painful for him watch.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. the long running soap . and sits in his producers chair. mid-50's and still handsome. TV SOUNDSTAGE . WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . 9A EXT. her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age.DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot.
Everyone talking over each other. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6.everyone still hot on his tail. Barney whisks through the aisles . let that be the end of it.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. assistants. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE .YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. Yes I've seen today's paper. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. 11 . (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. including MARK (40). BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. leading everyone into -11 INT. MARK Barney. story editors. struggling to keep pace. Barney pushes through a door. MARK They're looking ahead. BARNEY That's in a year.
this is our last season. BARNEY No. BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. Someone young. Maybe give Solange a sexy. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. If we don't do it. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . BARNEY'S OFFICE .CONTINUOUS 7. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. I'll give her your job before that happens. No one under fifty watches the show. She's been on the show since day one. MARK They want to bring in a new face.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. MARK They're not asking. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character. 12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. No way. Barney heads into -12 INT.
SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. Solange. Tell me honestly. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. They love me over there. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. a real shark. Barney tosses the folder aside. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. and he says-MARK Whoa. instantly softens. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. how do I look? Beat. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. Her tone . MARK Barney. whoa. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. Sexy as hell.
CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT. slides off his barstool. BARNEY'S CAR . eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad.GRUMPY'S BAR. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. Not wanting to get into it. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. blotchy salmon red complexion. 9. With a glance.DRIVING . Solange takes the cue. puts her game face on and storms out. around 60. 14 13 . Grossly overweight. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. 14 INT. Barney ignores him. then takes a deep breath. Jill directs Barney down the bar.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. GRUMPY'S BAR . She stops just before exiting. slamming the door behind her for effect.DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . Barney busies himself with moving around papers. JILL He's had more than a few already.
dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. my ass. Barney opens the book . He's very drunk. . 10. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. POUNDS it shut with his fist. none of this would have been possible without you.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. Detective Sean O'Hearne". Marvelling at his idiocy. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. Look at you . you're bound to go first. be a "mensch". All the best. like you might say. I thought I'd buy you a drink. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine. I carved him up with a chainsaw. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. Lawrence river. share in the moment. If you won't tell me now. I even signed it. dumped the parts in the St. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. You'd never have the guts to cut him up. Barney looks at O'Hearne. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. O'HEARNE Chainsaw.
his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. Lively conversations overlap. three fawning girls with him.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT.NIGHT . ex-pats and plenty of girls. . Panofsky. (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about. O'Hearne is right up in his face. African American. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. BARNEY Your breath stinks. INTENSE stare. He slides the book back over to him. Locals. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . LEO FASOLI. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. ROME . as we move around a crowded table. Italian bearded artist. and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. 11. JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. Barney's Algonquin Round Table. Copious amounts of food and drink. INSERT . O'Hearne marches out.PAST TITLE: ROME. sweetie. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. actor. RESTAURANT .TRASTAVERE. extremely handsome.
Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. . CEDRIC I'm an actor. Everyone toasts.. Who do I look like. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess.PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC . living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. Barney's best and most cherished friend. I am now posse member number 4. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. BOOGIE."Roberto. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. Tall and lean. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. LEO To Cedric. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. CEDRIC I'm Cedric.. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula". as you have in thought". (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. So I tell him .I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen.
kisses him deeply. whispers something in his ear.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. LEO Where did you meet her? . CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. then walks off to the bathroom. The Countess then slides up to Boogie. no less. MARIA You look like a movie 12A. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. the Countess. star. A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi.
Three months pregnant. CEDRIC Barney . BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. . how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates .S. gypsy shawl and skirt. LEO The show was a bust. skinny. that would be great. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them.our very own patron of the arts. my High Priest. Everyone toasts. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. 13. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O.to Barney. I'm getting married. pale and beautiful. But enough about that. If you could find out AND get her name."not so good". She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. I want to hear about all of you. actually. I only sold one piece . Leo.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well.) To me. tall. and slightly showing at her belly. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26).
. She instantly To 14. CLARA I'm sorry. baby. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . Hymie back in Montreal. He starts to soften. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. You're still my yummy yid. curling herself around him like a cat. 16 EXT.BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. sharing a flask. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. Barney scowls at Clara.. Barney and Boogie lead the way.. ROME STREET . the whole gang pours out into the street. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. It's fucking humiliating. the party around them continues on.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. switches gears to soft and loving. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. You're not one of us. She gets on his lap.
And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. C'mon. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. CLARA Oh no. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. 15. who is quite smitten with him. you're not. . BOOGIE If you say so. come on. LEO Yeah. She's a conversation piece. Oh. and I'm fucking pregnant too.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. Barney. BOOGIE He's coming with me. I'm exhausted. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. yeah. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow. not a wife. I'm seeing. Oh.
.PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street. 15A.
Absolutely brilliant. two packs of Gauloises. Hash . BARNEY Boogie. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside. 17 INT. 17 A bottle of Scotch. We only go around once. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink.HOTEL CISTERNA .LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16. Opium. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. They toast and drink. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. a small ball of TINFOIL. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. Horse.everything under and behind the sun. BOOGIE We have to do it all. a pack of rolling papers.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. Barney. this is brilliant. . Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. BOOGIE'S ROOM . But you can read it so far. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. on and off the table.
a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. without warning or reason. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. her elasticity is restored. As reward. And anyway. Pious and pristine . BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. and now a shell of the hole she used to be. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. Then one day.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17. After an ungodly amount of drilling. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. it's not finished yet. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. Barney looks at him dumfounded. INSERT . BARNEY Let me guess .Vanessa is the editor's wife. .
19 INT. Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. CUT TO: 18 EXT.DAY Wedding day. Clara is seven months pregnant. Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office.CAMPIDOGLIO . Cedric. prego . MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . prego.YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was. helps her up the stairs. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. wearing a black veil. . stop dicking around and finish your book already.DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. we're already late.Bernardo Moscovitz. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). STAIRS . no one will think anything less of you. you don't have to go through with this. Boogie. Boogie. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent. BARNEY Jesus. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. Leonardo Fasoli. Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying. BARNEY (beat) C'mon. 18. ahead of the others.CAMPIDOGLIO .
BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. firmi qui. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. firmi qui. CLARA Only two . JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy. BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. CLARA (CONT'D) There. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. I ran away on the honeymoon. is chiama Clara Chambers. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. Barney signs. Clara says nothing. Dumfounded silence. . JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. They're locked in our attic.PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19.Yosel and Chaim. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel.
All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. a child terrified of the thunder. She may be crazy. CLARA I'm sorry. . don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. (beat) You still love your crazy Clara. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . trembling with white knuckle fear. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. I figured they should know. CUT TO: 21 INT. but she has her odd charms.DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome.YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT. sketches and paintings. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it.NIGHT 20. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . clutching her black wedding veil. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside.
(beat) I must ask if you know the biological father . you really do wear your heart on your sleeve.I will speak in English.for our records. lights up a cigarette. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. Clara strokes his arm. Or Chambers. (MORE) . BARNEY I'm the father. Barney is speechless.Clara Panofsky. look her in the eye. 22 INT. then to his charts. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. than back at Barney.HOSPITAL .mi dispiace . a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry.DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. 21. in Italian) I need to find my wife . DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino. 23 INT. CLARA Oh Barney. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. Or maybe Charnofsky.
He just lost a son. Barney waits. BOOGIE Easy. I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. pours her a glass of water. he walks off. C'mon."what the fuck?". Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. Barney looks at Boogie . The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. BARNEY Clara. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . chumps. incredulous grunt. CLARA Okay.DAY 22.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. it's disgusting to look at. 24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber.HOSPITAL . CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building. HALLWAY . 24A EXT. 25 INT. man. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . I'm ready to talk now. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 . 24 INT. Surprise.
CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney. Barney! Let's start over! Please. Barney walks out and never looks back. your insight is dazzling.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food.someone who shops. CLARA Oh look. the color's come back into your cheeks. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. 27 . Now you can finally go back home. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always.HOTEL CISTERNA .PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. BOOGIE'S ROOM . I did you a great favor. CLARA Come now. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. 26 INT. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. STAIRWELL .CONTINUOUS 23. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck.
Shit. I need you. empty wine bottles. The candles completely burned away. 29 INT. Nothing. KITCHEN . 30 INT. His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT.. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust.DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two. well up with tears. I think it's important we talk.O. snoozing on the sofa. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side..) Dear Barney. 32 31 30 29 28 . BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . 31 INT.DAY Barney runs up the stairs. feels for a pulse.. I really do miss you. Clara. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. Barney reaches for the lighter. 28 INT. that. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. I think it came a few days ago.PINK 7-27-09 24. STAIRWELL .DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry. Please come for dinner tonight at eight... He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .. BEDROOM . Barney drops to her. the abstract painting of Leo's.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove. I forgot. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him. I'm sorry. Yours.CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. Sorry. ashtrays.VILLA DELLA FONTE . I'll even make latkes. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. to a hung over Barney.
BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. Clara made it. studying the apartment. Rising unsteadily. CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. CHARNOFSKY (50). I'm Clara's father. stands there. (beat) She said her parents were dead. CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. He opens the door. BARNEY We lost him. Charnofsky wanders in.BLUE 6-25-09 25. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. black hat. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. Barney steps to the side. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. (MORE) . drawn to look like Satan. Hands clasped behind his back. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. An Orthodox Jew. Clara's Sketches. Clara's Paintings". CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. Your machuten. Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child.
I'm sure. Charnofsky finishes his drink. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. That's when I started locking her in the attic. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. He's a professor of literature at NYU. Ship them to my nephew. but they provide us with an apartment.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. She was a danger to everyone. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. It's not a princely living. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks.BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. ink drawings. "I'm not Jewish". CUT TO: 33 INT. leave it outside the door. KITCHEN . (MORE) . CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. Tearing her hair out in clumps. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. She would refuse to eat. My wife would bring her food. diaries. Poems. You should have a publisher look at them. 33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. you said? Filth about me and her mother. He used to encourage her. My wife wanted to die. Pours himself another. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. It all started when she was twelve. People think highly of her work.
BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. went to Harvard. CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. the best in town. It was a horror. We did everything we could. 34 . BARNEY I think you should leave.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway. but only God determines the outcome. 27. BARNEY She was obviously sick. 34 INT. Kupner.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr.
He grabs the phone and dials.DAY . Turns the burner off. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard. in his Brooklyn loft. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . He pauses for a moment.BROOKLYN .? MICHAEL What? . BARNEY Michael. 28. Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. BARNEY Get out NOW. Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. Barney's son.KITCHEN . yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer. mamzer. MICHAEL'S LOFT . Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. 36 INT. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her.. oysvorf.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26).GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. MICHAEL Hi dad. It's ready. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT.. looking at the strainer quizzically.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. Barney looks a little green around the collar. 44 . 41 INT.the real numbers.DAY . MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. I'll give you the target's annual income. Israel is our insurance policy. He's getting the hang of this. nowhere else. you tell him. Not the numbers on his tax returns . It could happen here. 32.FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. now seated. 40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT.DAY .NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen. insurance policy. Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here. fat cat. 43 INT. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. A silver-haired. IRV (V. CUT TO: 44 INT. insurance policy. IRV This is my table. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society. You sit here. IRV'S CONDO .O.DAY .FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. BARNEY It could happen here.
I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. Irv's told me all about you. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. producing. but it could happen here. TARGET 1 Absolutely. SECOND MRS. IRV Listen. it's all the same dance. Irv escorts Barney away. Sit. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. Now listen. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. I got a girl I want you to meet. and she's a real looker.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. The ultimate . Cute. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. P You must be Barney. P (30). 'JAP'. BARNEY Irv. IRV Gentlemen. but tell Marv about the TV deal. we get that. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. boychick? Fundraising. stylishly dressed. I don't need to be set up. voluptuous. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. SECOND MRS. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. They're hitting it off. she has a master's from McGill.
. 46 INT. 45 EXT.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS.LATER Classical music. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -. ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. SECOND MRS. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. P'S PARENTS MANSION . she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. Her grating qualities aside. 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS . that's the housekeeper. Maybe Irv's right. watch the language and mind the manners. IZZY Swanky. kid. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. THE SECOND MRS.. dad. Panofsky. having been a detective and all.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). his father. 34. stares at them coldly.. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. fine china. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. A short. BARNEY So. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift. IZZY I got it. They reach the door. remember. P Mr. Don't worry.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. FORMAL DINING ROOM . walk up the steep steps. Polish housekeeper.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card.
and I'm trying to play it by the book. he likes to push (MORE) 35. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. I ain't gonna work for free. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. Big score for a rookie. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. call me Izzy. FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. when a feller is young and you give him authority. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job.you figure it out". You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . BARNEY He means unnecessarily.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please. that's so dangerous. IZZY Look. . gorgeous. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. throw the fourth across the hood. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. then haul 'em all in. And I was just a beat cop. So I toss three in the back.
And most of the time I was. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. . 35A.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around.
. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat. Barney and The Second Mrs. CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. CAR . Under the table Mrs. Cutlery tinkling. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. Izzy. Everyone continues eating.what a sweet little casserole you are. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. It's been two months since I last heard from you.MONTREAL AIRPORT . . P.. IZZY I call it like I see it. P squeezes Barney high up his leg. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. Barney flinches. You never know what tomorrow brings. he hasn't slept for days. P raises their glasses.DRIVING . But you're the one with the mansion on the hill.GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . Let's make a toast. So get to shtupping and multiply already.
RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY That. 49 INT.still hoping this is just a nightmare. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. man. BOOGIE Listen. A huge affair. BARNEY C'mon. and her PARENTS . you haven't even met her yet. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY Fuck me. CEREMONY HALL . LEO and even CEDRIC. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . and his ushers: IRV.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot. BOOGIE.no questions asked. 48 INT. I have no doubt of. * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. all with the same haircut. THE SECOND MRS. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me. ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. wiping tears of joy. . Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. Anyway.NIGHT 37. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. have I got stories for you.
Barney downs another shot.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain. then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. .The Second Mrs.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. 51 INT. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band. BARNEY What's the score? One .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU . RECEPTION HALL . P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -. Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game. PLATES LAND at various tables.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night. LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him. RECEPTION HALL . But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod.GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT. Shit. P. 52 INT.NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor.zip. He joins Barney.NIGHT 38.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored. RECEPTION HALL .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms.
Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. . shots. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. Then more shots. The Second Mrs. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. * * They all do a round of shots.
GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. Irv. loves every minute of it. The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes. . knowing Izzy.
like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr. they provide a valuable service .but we do it for appearances. maybe you should tone it down a little. Anyway. the ENTIRE TABLE. 53 INT. 39. Panosfky. what's in your pocket? . I'll be right back. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time.he comes at me with a chair. BARNEY Dad.I never bust the girls. except for Irv. IZZY What. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . IZZY C'mon Rabbi. As Barney escorts Izzy away. 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move. love him more. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit . What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here..NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz. disperses. But then. there are ladies present.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . RECEPTION HALL . Barney gives his father a big hug..
BARNEY Thank you. From inside his jacket.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. forget it. Barney stomps off. Gorgeous. striking eyes. but then cuts right back -(O. Slide out their glasses for refills. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink.. IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. pushing through the crowd. no. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. Barney turns away. They walk to the bar. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh.) . BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . don't embarrass me. 40.. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. classy. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. I want you to have it. BARNEY I don't know what to say.MIRIAM GRANT (28). Gets his father in law in his sights.S. Barney is mesmerized. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. Just as he is about to reach him.
Barney walks right up to her. RECEPTION HALL . I'm Barney. BARNEY Perfect. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. And Barney sets out again for Miriam.NIGHT 41. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. BARNEY That's the name of my company.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. BARNEY We haven't met yet. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. not to mention really drunk. (CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television. He's my father and he'll have your respect.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. Father-In-Law is speechless. MIRIAM Thank you for having me. Miriam . She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. That's something he can never tire of. 54 INT. She laughs. I'm Miriam.
BARNEY YES. * * * MIRIAM Who's winning? . who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. the workers favorite story was. that's okay. The entire moment incredibly intimate. MIRIAM Nice touch. 42. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. I wouldn't want it to bother you. you guessed it. BARNEY Oh. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. the Count of said name.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. MIRIAM Please. BARNEY Lectors.readers. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. BARNEY The hockey game. Entertainment to make the day pass better. She grabs a box of matches from the table. It's a Montecristo. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand.
BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS.sure . The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. P I see you met Miriam. * MIRIAM No.no .why? SECOND MRS. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. P She went to McGill with me. Anyway. works in radio now. I have a train to catch later.S. She's such a snob that one.NIGHT 55 (O. P Barney? The Second Mrs. but I do read newspapers. LATER RECEPTION HALL . and with perfect manners. He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. don't you find? BARNEY Yeah .) .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that. 55 INT. rises and extends her hand. hockey? You follow 43. MIRIAM Congratulations again. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. P directly behind him. He stands.
BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. Boogie. irretrievably in love. SECOND MRS. MIRIAM. I almost forgot. His tie loose around his neck. 44. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. 56 EXT. he's drunk and looks miserable. wiping his sniffling. So am I. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. BARNEY Thanks for being here. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. draping her arms around his neck.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. INSERT . The Second Mrs. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. CONGRATULATIONS. so am I. Boogie sits beside him. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. Cars are honking. seriously. for the first time in my life I am truly. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. They knock glasses. P Oh Barney. P appears behind him. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. It's raining. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * . Smart as a whip too. coked-up nose.
Barney grins from ear to ear. engrossed in a novel. where a porter is checking passengers tickets.. or stay with me. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM. Thinking fast on his feet. soaking wet. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good. Shuts her book . passing from car to car.on your WEDDING NIGHT. He drops into the seat next to her. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. 58 INT. TRAIN . whom he finally spots.NIGHT 45. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria.GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. She takes them off. looking for Miriam. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION .) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met . bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. sprints down the stairs into the station. She's wearing her reading glasses. 58 . BARNEY I like you with glasses.S. 57A* * Barney. She's stunned..Herzog by Saul Bellow.
at a funeral. but won't look at him. watching him still chasing after her. It's happened. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. Barney finally concedes. . or a ticket. on my death bed. TRAIN PLATFORM . Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. Barney gets off the train. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform. CONDUCTOR I. That smile is enough to melt his heart. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor.) 46. tickets.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him.D.D. He stands . BARNEY I don't have I. Barney. CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now.S.the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out.. Beat. sits at the window. It really does. 59 INT. just like that. Every word he says . MIRIAM Go home. Among other things. (O. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you.
I was so ferklempt Dr. Barney and The Second Mrs. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . P Oh my God. THE SECOND MRS. 60 * Ripped pants. P runs out and wraps herself around him. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. * CUT TO: 61 EXT.ROME . Barney steps inside. Everyone falls silent. SECOND MRS. bloody knee and palms. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. 47. the hospitals. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps.DAY 61 On their honeymoon. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. Oops.GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket.he's a mess. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. P'S PARENTS MANSION . The Second Mrs. . Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. The Second Mrs. SECOND MRS. I could have told you what it was for.
P (into phone) --Ma.... What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?. Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. P (into phone) --It's from Dior. Arlene will die on the spot.DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs.A... P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother. Okay.HOTEL . slightly.. P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother.DAY 64 The Second Mrs. HONEYMOON SUITE .ROME .M.HOTEL . P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment. Okay.. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays. you should see the bathrobes we've got here. HONEYMOON SUITE . DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT.H. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you. SECOND MRS. That perks him up 48. SECOND MRS. sure. Ma. SECOND MRS. tell Daddy I love him. and the soaps are to die for.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE. Of course I will. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y.. I'm just saying. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife.... . CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it...ROME .. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie.
YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. the family. we do have a big family. P He just pretends for BARNEY . BARNEY Who was she again? 49.. My cousin Jeff brought her. SECOND MRS. P Miriam Grant. the one in the blue dress. BARNEY Jeff seems gay. Jeff is gay. Right. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. SECOND MRS.. P Good? SECOND MRS. BARNEY You certainly do. She gets onto the bed beside him. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. And what about that girl. I think she was from New York. Beat. SECOND MRS. I didn't even invite her. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. Oh good. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. P Well.
SECOND MRS. a highly invasive procedure. MONTREAL STREET . COFFEE SHOP . Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. P Okay. SECOND MRS. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -.DAY .PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. P I don't think so. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL. KATE That's okay. Nap? SECOND MRS. BARNEY Sorry. I'm late.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. Hurrying down the street.but then POPS back up. Barney squeezes through the crowd. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. P With soap? BARNEY Yes. 66 INT. The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. SECOND MRS. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. I just got here.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line. 66 65 . P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. I took a cab. The Second Mrs. 50.BOOKSTORE . gracing its cover. She dives back under and starts in again.DAY .
ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. Before that. . (to cashier) Two double espressos. KATE Dad. No crazies today. The man still can't fly out of the country. my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth .perplexed. (to Barney) You do something awful. BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. but instead of trying to make up for it.this . you opt for something infinitely worse. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. (to Kate) Continue. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. flaxseed . haven't I? 51.is not going to happen. BARNEY I've upset Claire. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. BARNEY By what? KATE By you.
KATE No he didn't. 67 . I have a date.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. I'm sorry. 52. 67 EXT. They get their coffees and walk to the door. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. BARNEY They're married. but it's time to let it go. he's a nasty piece of work. KATE My point is. They're happily married. it's time to lay off Blair. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. STREET . Stick to the facts. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. She got remarried. BARNEY He stole her from me. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. BARNEY Funny. You got divorced.
NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love.DRIVING . Macallan's. We'll see. A RUSTLING comes from the woods.COUNTRY ROAD . 53. I like him. I think that's a sign of maturity. I definitely need a weekend in the country. DECK . 67A INT/EXT.COTTAGE . BARNEY'S CAR . 69 . Barney stops walking. BARNEY Right. A Montecristo. (laughing it off) Well. Probably a squirrel.DRIVING . reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE".YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice.MONTREAL BRIDGE .DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. behind him. 69 EXT. 68 Looks around. Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there. BARNEY'S CAR . What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab. KATE (CONT'D) Confused.DAY Barney drives out of the city.
TV SOUNDSTAGE . this time a little closer.) Great. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through.S. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. . Something RUSTLES again. Look at her. Barney stands. O'MALLEY Thank you. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead.PINK 7-27-09 54. Waiting for something to appear. Constable. trying to see through the darkness. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity.DAY . she's a total knockout. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. Hoping. low cut outfit. From a distance. turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. their business. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. Wearing a tight. nurse. leans on the wood railing. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. CUT! DIRECTOR (O. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. We now see why she was originally hired.
Really? matter.SOUNDSTAGE . INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. I'm sorry.OFFICE . OFFICE . 71 INT. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. NEW YORK RADIO STATION . there's a call for you. and the gifts every week it's something else. BARNEY I know. MIRIAM Well. words matter. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word. MIRIAM Barney. (MORE) 55. Why don't we talk about it over lunch.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney. 71 72 . A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. this has to stop. Actions They have consequences.
No. Do Barney smiles. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. exactly. feeling like progress is being made.. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. 73 EXT.. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act. . (curt) I have to go. then act accordingly. P flutters about. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age.. you understand me.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead. rearranging knick-knacks. as you have in thought".. The Second Mrs. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated....MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing. SECOND MRS. P'S HOUSE . BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. 56. what did I say wrong?.. Ma. I'm watching my figure. yes. 74 INT. With the phone tucked to her ear... Thank you.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. Barney? BARNEY Yes. P who decorated it.. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. P'S HOUSE .
Goodbye. you asked!. P BARNEY. Okay. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs. SECOND MRS. I'll pick you up at noon. 75 SECOND MRS. ma.. To the king of Macedonia. Looks at Clara's drawing again. I know it's disgusting.. Ma. She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT. Barney continues reading . P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth. SECOND MRS.. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going.. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out.. No. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her... BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house..tuning her out completely. KITCHEN ... I will. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. P Tell me something ... deciding on something to hang.YELLOW 8-7-09 57.you were at the game last night. THIS IS IMPORTANT!! . SECOND MRS. I had to fire the maid.. who do you think?.. Listen.. We just changed all the carpets. SECOND MRS. I have to go. It makes her gag. SECOND MRS. She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall.. I wasn't talking to you. She hangs up.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast.
He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. stumbles toward Barney's car. This is what marriage is. His appearance is shocking to Barney. BOOGIE C'mon. high. FLEABAG HOTEL . 76 EXT. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick. Boogie emerges from the building. Talking. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. * * . In bad shape. I had to fix one more time. See you in a 58. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS. Boogie gets in the car.* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. P THIS. BARNEY Just get in. I was on a fifteen hour flight. Communicating. couple days.
BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. drinking wine. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . THE SECOND MRS.COTTAGE . P is on the porch. 79 INT. 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. COTTAGE . Barney helps Boogie up the steps.COUNTRY HOUSE . it's called rehab. GUEST BEDROOM . SECOND MRS. BARNEY Surprise. potatoes. greens. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink. 80 79 INT. P Yeah. . P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. SECOND MRS.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. A roast. P I thought I'd surprise you.DAY 59. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. SECOND MRS. 80 He's out cold. and he needed somewhere safe to kick.
I called the florist. SECOND MRS. P You don't know the half of it. BARNEY Jesus Christ. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. 81 EXT.COUNTRY HOUSE . P Well played. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. DECK .YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. P Be a man. Barney storms out to the DECK. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. Barney stares out at the lake. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. SECOND MRS. 81 He won't look her in the eye. Look what I found while going through your pockets. . BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up.CONTINUOUS She follows him out. SECOND MRS. While usually discreet about their clients. This is ridiculous. SECOND MRS. no hesitation. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. 60. Barney. BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. P Stop. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this.
so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. And you are such a liar.DAWN 61. The Second Mrs. It hurts her like hell. 82 EXT. KITCHEN . P Shmuck. Call you later . GRUMPY'S . P No. is a true country paradise.MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes.COTTAGE .DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. 83A EXT. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. You say you've never been unfaithful. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her.Barney". She goes back inside. 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada. COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day. It was the happiest moment of my life. SECOND MRS. The calm of the lake. . I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto. 82A 83 OMITTED INT. Now it's been months since we made love. I don't understand what you want anymore. but she's not going to cry in front of him. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. Fuck you. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS.
GRUMPY'S BAR . BARNEY I have to get a divorce.YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. 84 Two Scotches on the table. (MORE) . What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom.DAY 62. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. Beat. I know how hard marriage can be. IZZY Jesus Christ. IZZY Boychick. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. listen. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. Barney drops down across from him.
hard look at the situation. and then real life starts. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. Beat. . If you divorce her. IZZY She's a tough cookie. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. flaky kugel and has a great rack. Many successful marriages were built on far less. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY You know how rich her father is.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. Let's take a good. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. she's gonna take you to the cleaners.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. makes a nice. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. ain't life grand. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater . 63.
IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. SECOND MRS.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch.S. He opens the door to find. BARNEY'S HOUSE . 64. 86 INT/EXT. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. IZZY Alright then. 87 INT.. 87 86 . P (O.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No. 85 INT. COTTAGE .MORNING Still hungover. Cigar. BARNEY'S CAR . 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow.COUNTRY ROAD . The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom.MORNING Barney enters the house. P (O. but then just hangs up.. let's do this. Scotch. Walks down the hall.S. SECOND MRS. Barney drives up to the cottage. chugging coffee.DRIVING .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name. He considers responding. BARNEY Miriam. my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on.
sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. naked..BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. . P This is all your fault. 89 INT. GUEST BEDROOM .MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie. moaning. P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs. Barney is frozen with shock. he was trembling.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in.COTTAGE . then. HALL . SECOND MRS. she throws on whatever clothes she can find. Things are looking up for him. 88 The Second Mrs. BARNEY My wife and my best friend. P I brought him something to eat.COTTAGE . BEDROOM . he smiles. P. BARNEY It must have been magic. SECOND MRS.CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears. P storms out of the guest room past Barney. Kicking and screaming.CONTINUOUS 65. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot. Once it does.. his sheets were soaked. HALL . I still don't know how he got my nightie off.COTTAGE . she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room.. The Second Mrs. 90 INT.COTTAGE .. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. SECOND MRS. you bastard. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process...
COTTAGE . BARNEY I should kill you for this. 94 . BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. Barney right behind her. 66.COTTAGE . P You tell her yourself! No. I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. rolls down the window.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. He's already very drunk. 94 INT. then I'll come for you. DEN . 93 EXT. He follows. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake. P Animal! She drives away. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. P Bullshit.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. and just for kicks. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. HALL . SECOND MRS. 92 93 SECOND MRS.COTTAGE . your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. don't she has a root canal today. P I'm going to my mother's. 92 INT. starts the engine. She gets in her car.
BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. * * * * * * * ..she brought me something to eat. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife.. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.. but look here. BARNEY Check the dining room. Boogie pours Barney a glass. BOOGIE You sly bastard . started talking you know how that goes . Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. 67. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me. que sera sera. It was innocent enough to start with .. who reticently takes it. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. waves it around.you planned this all along. He takes it out.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first.tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. I'm going to need you to do something for me.) I don't see any Scotch.S. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy.
Listen. He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers . DEN . shmuck. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection. 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers.COTTAGE . sketch that's leaning against the wall. BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. You owe me. More Scotch poured. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. I borrowed for you. Hey. 95 INT.she wasn't too bad a poet. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. Scotch in the kitchen. I bet this is worth a pretty penny now.LATER There's more 68. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. actually. . BARNEY Neither was I.
96 . Barney follows him out. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. You know what. you have. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. and look what you've become. man? I brought you in. BOOGIE Oh. Boogie pushes through the screen door. 96 EXT. BOOGIE I'm still working on it.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta. A TV hustler. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. the gun still in his sweater pocket. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. 69. MASK AND FLIPPERS. SUNROOM .COTTAGE . BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. You must have a snorkel and flippers here.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. I put the right books in your hands. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. BARNEY You're a fraud. I educated you.
I am not your pet project. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. COTTAGE . winded and woozy. Not your hope. I'll shoot. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim.CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock. bottle again. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. waddles onto the dock. Boogie slips on the flippers. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. you prick. that's his fucking job". "The Life of Heinrich Heine". BARNEY Don't count on it. 70. I will! . and that's what you take as a personal offense. BARNEY Boogie. Not your vicarious life. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. They break apart. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. Absolutely nothing happened to me. BARNEY FUCK YOU. 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie.
BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A.PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air. .
tilts his head back. Boogie grins. 99 INT.. still half drunk. 101 EXT. dampened cavity you think is a heart. DEN .MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in.the gun FIRES -.COTTAGE . Barney hits the bottle hard .one shot after another. Barney's passed out on the sofa. snaps on the goggles and the snorkel. pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. DECK . BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 . Barney stares him down. Barney drunkenly staggers forward. 98 INT.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. A silent rage boiling inside.COTTAGE . 100 DEN .COTTAGE . flying over a distant hillside. C'mon. spreads his arms wide..DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN . see Boogie resurface. do it! 71. LATER The bottle now empty. It appears the gun fired into the air. 100 INT. Barney turns and heads back up into the house.Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake. but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. starting from a distance and approaching fast. BARNEY Don't you fucking move. We can't be sure.COTTAGE .
S. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT. .YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. A POLICE BOAT out there too. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. DOCK .) Busy day. There's a big fire a few miles east. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water.COTTAGE . He's broken into a cottage. O'Hearne saunters through the house. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far. steps up along side Barney. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. Barney watches all this from the dock. slimmer.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall.COTTAGE . KITCHEN . younger. sipping the beer. O'HEARNE (O. healthier than we know him to be.
BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. in a plastic evidence bag. to me for protection. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. I guess. BARNEY My first wife made that. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. I 73. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. you did. O'HEARNE Yeah. No shit. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around.
. O'HEARNE So you did shoot him. BARNEY Yes.the florist gave us her name . O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. sending him to the floor. right through his fucking heart. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . O'HEARNE After. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk. 74. Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. then lays one into Barney's face. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin. BARNEY Yeah...Miriam Grant.
O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once. talk to his lawyer. O'Hearne exits. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder.. Now you got anything else to say. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. . O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. IZZY You leave your hands off him. BARNEY Go to hell. and now he's missing.. when. 75. you don't have a body. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. but he attacked an officer of the law. Barney lifts himself to one knee. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. then again. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. we'll find the body before sundown. You threatened to kill them both. O'HEARNE Very sweet. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. Unless you ate him.
dials. No body has been found yet. Our hands are tied. grabs the envelope. He rushes to the nearest phone.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. TV SOUNDSTAGE . some ice. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. alright. We've searched the area for three weeks. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. and signs the marked pages. RECEPTIONIST Barney. IZZY Alright. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. Panofsky. Let me get you 76.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr.
Miriam chuckles. MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. How about dinner? MIRIAM No. 107 .RADIO STATION . well.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again.YELLOW 8-7-09 77. Miriam.NEW YORK . OFFICE . that's it. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. CUT TO: 107 INT. Just once. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. BARNEY Please. I'm divorced. BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. The phone rings. Beat.
112 INT. Long beat.HOTEL RESTAURANT .MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Then dials the concierge..and again .NEW YORK CITY .. Waiting.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR.. 110 INT.. great.MORNING Flying over Manhattan. HOTEL RESTAURANT . 110 He does the same again .MORNING Two pair of shoes.DAY Barney splashes his face with water. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter. four ties laid on the bed. He starts pacing. BATHROOM .DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd. Alphonse Daudet.. Herzog. make that two bottles and two dozen roses. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. three suits.. 109 EXT. BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon. This is idiotic. CU .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear. HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT. A sunny morning in the big apple. The clock reads: 10:03 AM. Barney's seated at a table.. Takes a deep breath. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men." Barney drops his pen. Pours them over ice. at himself in the mirror. drunk. well chilled. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. 78.and again. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite.. clammy.. 111 INT.. Waiting.NEW YORK . pats himself dry. 109 108 HOTEL . Looks 112 111 .. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty.. NEW YORK CITY .
he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. And some Beluga. and no. startling her. we should have champagne... (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. HOTEL RESTAURANT . the Russian is too salty.TABLE .DAY From the bathroom. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79. BARNEY Great. Champagne? This is an occasion. nervous as hell. BARNEY HI. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. MIRIAM Hi. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. MIRIAM Yes. pale. (to waiter) Just the Champagne.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. 113 Being led to their table. Barney doesn't look so good. take your time. don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. (MORE) . BARNEY Of course. Sweaty. HOTEL RESTAURANT .DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. She's a heart stopping vision. The Iranian stuff. 114 INT.
. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney. we're finally here together. BARNEY Of course I did. MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great. hold on. desperately trying to hold it together. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. I know ..BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here. pulls the bathroom door shut. Perspiration forming on his brow.DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. me. BARNEY Wonderful.. Oh. MIRIAM Barney. 80. are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. Barney opens his collar.. 115 INT. uh.. I want to be clear on something. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. MIRIAM You hardly know me. now we can celebrate. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can.. The waiter arrives with the Champagne. you.....have you read. There's so much I want to talk about. what's it called... Miriam 115 . BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Barney's panicking.
BARNEY Never. there's a KNOCKING at the front door. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet .S. Barney stirs awake.) Room service. her legs crossed. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. reading the New York Times. VOICE (O.DAY 116 . She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". MIRIAM Don't be so modest. Beat. by the way. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair. BARNEY I'm an idiot. CUT TO: 116 INT. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE .BLUE 6-25-09 Then. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. 81. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself.nice reference.
Beat. we'll get some fresh air. more intimate. and maybe a slice of pizza.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. He hardly even breathes between words. BARNEY Yeah. MIRIAM There it was. Barney rambles on. And then he finally just runs out of steam. He covers his face and begins to MOAN. EAST RIVER . He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged.CENTRAL PARK . Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time . STREET . I don't want it to happen.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God. MIRIAM I'm still here.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause. The pause..NIGHT They walk along the East River.DUSK They stroll along the park.. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. or a break. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term. I'm absolutely starving. Ever. Off Barney's delight -117 EXT. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up. She pries his hands from his face. Their body language now 118 117 . They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. 118 EXT. credited to John Fitzgerald . 82.
It's made up of little things . that's what scares me about you. Heart and soul. and that has to be enough. Miriam. 83. He SNAPS it shut for effect. Mind and body. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. BARNEY Anything.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. MIRIAM No. After all you've done to pursue me. Right away. It devastated every part of her. BARNEY I would never do that to you. He knows he needs to come up with something good. He was my hero. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. and life is real. MIRIAM See. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. Don't answer 'anything'. it's not. Barney thinks hard. I'll do anything for you. That's what gave her cancer. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. That's not real. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. (beat) It killed my mother.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. . And that will never happen to me.
We're going to be needing it. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend.NIGHT The party is winding down. She kisses him. drinking. Barney can't wait another second. . Barney is out on the dock alone. slow dancing. DOCK . She wraps her arms around him from behind. 84. Guests are still up at the house. grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. tears already streaming down his face.DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage.COTTAGE . Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. Only closest friends and family are in attendance. NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. COTTAGE . on the porch. It's a beautiful night. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. you're not going to do that. DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT. Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT.
DAY (1982) 84A.YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT. 121 Barney and Miriam's apartment. (Where Barney still lives). BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . .
He runs and leaps onto the bed. BEDROOM .YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT. Then it won't make you cry. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love.DAY 85. 122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. BARNEY Really? 123 INT. BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . who is only a few months old. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. MIRIAM Oh. His eyes filled with tears. Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. Barney.DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. BABY'S ROOM . BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap.KITCHEN . put it in the freezer. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 .
A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam. kid. holding onto this moment of perfection. What? IZZY You did good. his children. He closes his eyes. leaving it at that.LAKE . 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape. . The sky a perfect orange hue. COTTAGE . drinking Scotch.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. and his gorgeous wife. their feet up. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. The sun is setting. COTTAGE . smoking cigars. DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. He opens his eyes. takes a deep breath. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. typical Izzy-ism.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him.YELLOW 8-7-09 86.
BLAIR (52). He takes a breather. Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. The engine won't turn.harder.it . BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in.thanks . BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it. and again. 129 EXT. Don't worry. Michael stares blankly at him. COTTAGE . Again . . Soft. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No.S. working up a big sweat. BLAIR (O.just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor.MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow. He tries again. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No . Birkenstocks. angrier. 87. dad.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe .DOCK . Harmless.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. Tree hugger. Beat. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back.
MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. 88. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. but thank you. COTTAGE . BARNEY What do you do.KITCHEN . Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. 130 INT. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. Really? At WZAJ. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. tying his and Barney's boat up. * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it. . I just moved from New York. BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad.
CUT TO: 132 INT. RRRRR .PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. they all step outside.O. 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". and I should paddle back before it gets dark. MIRIAM (V. CU .) Yeah. COTTAGE .BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener. And I re-attached the rip cord.BARNEY CRYING 132 . want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O.upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor. MIRIAM That was nice of him.KITCHEN . BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire. 131 EXT. I'm Miriam Grant. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Fire it up. thank you for listening. BARNEY (calling out) Michael. Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio.S. Blair waves. It was lovely to meet the both of you. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly.CONTINUOUS 89. As always.NIGHT . then hops in his canoe. They all say goodbye and Blair exits.DECK .
CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. Michael greets her at the door.. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters .YELLOW 8-7-09 90. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. MICHAEL'S LOFT . CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 . I land at five.. hi. love you. BARNEY Hello?.BROOKLYN . okay. A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with. briefcase.. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT. Barney is yelling at the TV.. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. The phone RINGS.business suit. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT. TAXI ...DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him. MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. I'll just grab a cab to your place. Michael.. He answers.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner..NEW YORK CITY . The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat. He hangs up.
. BARNEY Michael. I'm sorry. wait-MICHAEL Good-night. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. I have to get up early. BARNEY MICHAEL. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that. of course. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. you wouldn't do it in the first place. BARNEY Michael. He grudgingly taps out the cigar.BLUE 7-3-09 91. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. Michael stops. Barney turns the TV off. Barney looks to Michael for backup. Michael begins to follow. She heads off to the bedroom. Thank you. but is met with silence. MICHAEL Good night. CAROLINE Turn that down please. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
soon Kate will be too. Jean.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. 142 . He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. So you could be here with the kids and me. I'm behind it. 97. BARNEY Thank you. Jean leaves. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. polishing off his wine. A hundred percent. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. I don't want you to. travel. as always. 142 INT. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. get a Villa on Lake Como. MIRIAM It was important. (beat) I need to do this. CBC RADIO STATION . JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. go to Italy. BARNEY I'll quit working. Whatever you want to do.BOOTH .NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. But Michael's gone. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. We'll retire early. We both agreed that was important. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. Barney sulks.
BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. 146 INT. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful.on the bar. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. Upset that Barney didn't answer. I'm going to call Barney. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. 145 INT.BARNEY'S CELL PHONE . Blair.. GRUMPY'S BAR . Would you excuse me.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM .CBC RADIO STATION .. that's all the time we have. Thank you so much for coming in. 143 INT. Dalhousie.NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house.HALLWAY . Thank you. Mr.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar. BLAIR Really. ringing. HALLWAY . GUEST It is was a pleasure. Miriam. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. The ON AIR light turns OFF. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT . BLAIR Of course. 144 INT. MIRIAM Stop it. you're a natural. watching the hockey game.Well. CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM Thank you. He 146 The 145 144 143 .NIGHT Miriam hangs up. doesn't hear it. 98.
147 INT. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON. quiet apartment. I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. MIRIAM Okay. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. (MORE) You knew . Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. 148 He's drunk 99. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. BARNEY (beat) Yes.CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. and trying very hard to be quiet. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .BEDROOM . like you've done a thousand times before. MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark.
why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space. but no thanks. fast. 149 EXT.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. IZZY You should get one. Wife to Izzy. IZZY Thanks. She turns the light OFF.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. IZZY I'm not alone. . 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY . we don't sleep apart. CEMETERY . BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. The good ones go 100. Mother to Barney. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. See that? That's alone.1925 . BARNEY I was thinking. Good night.1972. But he's not very convincing. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No.
No wife. That's alone.PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. . No kids. I'm going to be right here with your mother. (MORE) 100A.
BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ.NIGHT I 101. You know it irritates Blair's asthma. brings a cigar back to the table. need to get laid. He gets up and MIRIAM Barney.NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan. much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. guests continue with their conversation. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse. IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out. Miriam sets down her book. . THREE wives! 150 INT. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. Miriam's reading. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Mr. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. are over for dinner. Without a moment's pause. exhausted. please don't smoke that. 151 EXT. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch..DEN . Barney stares at the ceiling.BEDROOM . 152 INT. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR..DINING ROOM . Long silence. IZZY I'm used to being without her. Barney heads out to the den.
NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. You made him so proud. MASSAGE PARLOR . Barney's eyes searching. MASSAGE PARLOR . She takes his hand. who is sobbing. He's at a loss.? Barney nods. Barney 153 154 INT. the girl left the room to get a hot towel. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table.. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. 153 Barney groans. EXT. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. Reaches for the phone. 102.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished.. At least he went happy.. Beat.. She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall.RECEPTION . The Madame. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl. When she went back in. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney. She stops in front of room #4. parks right in front. then enters.NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 . The phone RINGS.
LATER 156 Barney exits the room. Then he squeezes it tighter. The walls bare.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. Goldie shuts the door. covered in a white sheet. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. leaving him alone. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. peaceful. half-grin on his face. Izzy's body lays on the table. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. 156 INT. Beat. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. The lighting dim. and starts to cry. Barney reaches into his pocket. They share a quiet moment. a box of kleenex. takes in the room. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 . He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his. patting his father's hand. MASSAGE ROOM . A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body.RECEPTION . 155 Barney enters. MASSAGE PARLOR .CONTINUOUS 103. holding it with both his hands. pressing it to his forehead. He starts to laugh at the situation.
Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. Barney stares at the board.? BARNEY Sorry. 159 INT. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY .S. KATE What word is that? INSERT .) No. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O.. KATE You're missing half the letters.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch.then puts it back. thanks.DEN . BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION . His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .. He sets down his pieces. KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn. Dad.. Attorney.NIGHT .YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104.stares at it quizzically .SCRABBLE BOARD.
takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. BARNEY Leave that. I'll do it. I'll get it. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. I know you're tired. He 105. Barney watches her go.. They break apart. FLASHBACK TO: . He pulls her into a comforting embrace. No. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. She gets up and starts to clean up. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. for her to start crying in his arms.. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. BARNEY It'll be okay. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. KATE Let me. She cries as long as she needs to. KATE No. I promise. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom. dad. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue.
Leo. What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be.GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT. then extends her hand to Barney. For all his success. MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. LEO Andre Gide. LEO FASOLI (61). along with Leo's flavor of the month. Leo Fasoli.BOOTH . 161 EXT. saying you no longer wanted to do it. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. the French author. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. cara mia. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost". But then you returned the money.DAY . 161 * * * * * * * . CBC RADIO STATION . He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him.PAST (2003) 106. CBC RADIO STATION . She gives Leo a kiss. She slips into the limo. A LIMO waits right outside the door.DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. Barney and Blair watch from the booth. Leo lights a cigarette. there's a sense of melancholy to him. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute.
GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. It's a real coup for Miriam. 106A. . BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview.
BLAIR Let me help you. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. They drink. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself. BARNEY Here's hoping. MIRIAM Guests don't clean. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . It makes me happy. woman.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. Long silence. She's an amazing 107. BLAIR I don't have it yet.DINING ROOM . Miriam heads to the kitchen. 162 INT. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. Miriam begins to clear the table. MIRIAM Yes you did. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? . They hug.
but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. Blair exits.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses.. doesn't mean you can't be assertive. but-Miriam enters. INT. MIRIAM Thanks. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Thank you for coming. BARNEY A month? Jeez.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal. don't be so soft.CONTINUOUS .. and again. it was a fantastic interview.DOORWAY . BARNEY Just because you're gay. DEN . 164 . Push them. BARNEY I didn't think so.. 163 164 INT. BLAIR I'm not gay. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that.to confront Barney. who is just lighting up a cigar.. congratulations.
MIRIAM No. Let's just skip that whole part. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. I'll take the week off. BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. I think a little time apart will do us both good. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". We're fighting about you. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. . BARNEY Okay.
walks away. He's fidgety.MORNING . I have the keys right here. greets him with a smile." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days. TAXI CAB . 166 The taxi 166 INT. Spring has arrived.okay? 110. 165 Barney rides in a taxi. It's only a week . Anxious. Coffee in hand. pulls away. ON THE SET 167 . The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. Barney nods but he's not happy about this. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. TV SOUNDSTAGE . RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. he's scared to death. RECEPTIONIST Good morning. A RETROSPECTIVE.MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI . The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT. Find out what I have to do to report it. Barney.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . She gives him a kiss and exits. Actually.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married.IN MEMORIAM.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Barney grabs the keys. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. OFFICE . BARNEY My car was stolen. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little.
. SEXPOT (21).YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. cast as the new Nurse. ditzy. young. A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new.
LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. SOLANGE enters. I go to 111. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. He ducks out. Barney continues his searching. SEXPOT Oh.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. He's frustrated. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. BARNEY'S OFFICE . SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. tight outfit her character would have worn. eager to tell him something. Even though it's Barney's show. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. the gym for that.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. 168 INT. She's now directing the show. 168 .S. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. BARNEY Nope. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. angry. I won't work out here. SOLANGE (O. That's the point. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say.
Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac.. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. The coffee machine stops. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . 112. 169 INT. Solange fights back tears. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. He makes his choice. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. forcing them to raise their voices. get over it. The entire office watching them. The machine REVS and GRINDS. First Class..YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now. Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. OFFICE . MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 . Dead silence. Chanel glasses. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. Solange follows. Barney looks at the ticket.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball.FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. (CONT'D) 113. DIES AT 66.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI. Barney. INSERT . Justin runs off. Barney turns back inside. Barney stares back.FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE . 171 He stares up at Scans the front page. FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT.KITCHEN .S. Hops up to get ready. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet.FRONT PAGE BLURB . NEIGHBOR (O. he's late.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.shit. we're late. BARNEY Fuck. Something he reads upsets him. BACK TO: . BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago. FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. INSERT . HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . come on.) Justin. Barney looks at his watch -. 171 INT." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. Drops the paper on the table.
(beat) Barney.DAY . MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. long time physician. DR. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. DR..BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT.PRESENT DAY 114. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. BARNEY'S OFFICE . BARNEY April. MANDEBAUM'S office.. DR. there's no right or wrong. Just answer them. Solange approaches him carefully.DAY Barney and Solange are in DR. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 . DR.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT. DR.
it's German.. * FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. I can't even find the fucking thing.. Barney paces while on the phone. please.. dad...GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal. MICHAEL'S LOFT . hi. BARNEY A. put your mother on the phone. MANDEBAUM Just answer it.. then ringing.PAST (2003) Scotch in hand. DR. and frantic without Miriam around. you know. 115.. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty.) Hello? BARNEY Michael. Desperate 174 175* 175A INT.DAY . MICHAEL (V.O. INTERCUT 175A* .. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too. (holding out phone) Mom. that's fucking embarrassing. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello.BROOKLYN . goddamn it. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . DR.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment.DEN .
MIRIAM Barney. That we'll be together forever. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. Please. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today. Come back 116. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. I just needed that settled.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. BARNEY I've learned my lesson. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days.. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. I can't sleep without you beside me. tonight. well. That's a big thing. and that got me thinking and. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. (MORE) . MIRIAM I know. please come home already.. BARNEY I'm sorry. you did.
I'm enjoying my week with my son. No way! Barney shrugs. He's already quite drunk. So they called him down for a final interview. I love you.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. not knowing what to do with himself. 176 INT. BARNEY I love you. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. GRUMPY'S BAR . JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. 117. BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. But I'm still not coming home today.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . She hangs up. Goodbye. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. going out of his mind. Barney looks around the big. MIRIAM Barney. but I really do have to go. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. Now I have to go. empty house. BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? . Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant.
And I need the results as soon as possible. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. I don't remember. Now.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam.NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney.DAY Driving home from the airport . Gonorrhea.DAY Barney. MANDEBAUM Whoa. sweaty and satisfied. 118. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 179 INT. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. Barney watches her walk away. BARNEY I need a test. 180 INT. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. I remembered you right away.DEN . naked. Barney stares up at the ceiling. 180 179 177 178 . slow down. would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going.DRIVING . AIDS-DR. Syphilis. DR. BARNEY'S CAR . Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. Morty. BLONDE That's okay. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. DR. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test. in a state of panic.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. whoa.
BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags.. she's in the mood for love. . He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. KITCHEN . Barney's acting strange. Both anxious and nice. BARNEY I missed you too.and run you a bath. Go. Barney LEAPS to answer it. 119. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. (to Miriam) It's work.I'll put on some tea . MIRIAM It's good to be home.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water. MIRIAM I have a better idea. talking from the other room. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him.DAY They walk in from the airport. MIRIAM I missed you. The phone RINGS. relax.. Problems on the set.. Barney. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen..BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. 182 INT. Too nice.
PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone.. She's trembling.. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. Naked. Miriam exits. I'm not sick. MIRIAM (O.. Thank 120. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. you. He hangs up. Terrified. oh. bye. BARNEY Morty. I am.) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? . 183 MIRIAM I don't know why.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'. okay. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME.. MIRIAM The way you cough at night. 183 INT. so?. The phone in her hand. thank God. but I dialed star 69.. BARNEY I'm not sick. Barney takes a deep breath. BEDROOM . Barney walks into the bedroom. You were acting so strange.. I'll be in the bedroom. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat.S. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. She has to sit down.
We have a life.YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat.NIGHT . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT. MIRIAM HAD a life. 184 . Off Barney. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please. BARNEY It meant nothing to me. 120A.A KNOCKING at the door.PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . Miriam is completely devastated. She storms out. Miriam.
that's for sure. And here's one for you Alphonse . The door opens revealing KATE. You could use one. BARNEY Easy. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. Barney looks at her with surprise.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" . Kate nods.O. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. kiddo. Alphonse. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . KATE Here you go.a request from our ever faithful listener. She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. Barney grins. her eyes filled with tears.DEN . Why don't you fix us a couple drinks. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield. Alphonse. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck. 185 INT. FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? .BLUE 7-3-09 121. She nods . hands him his drink. Kate is standing in the door watching him. MIRIAM (V. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. Kate exits. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. all the way from Montreal.MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk.
Barney shatters a framed photo. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. Barney SLAPS Michael. Michael then storms out of the house.KITCHEN . Back and forth. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you. Michael won't even look at his father. wait.PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. Barney paces back and forth. . BARNEY Michael.CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack.DAY .DEN . I'm still your father. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . but your mother and I will work through this. Kate runs in and tries to stop him.YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122. BARNEY Watch your mouth. We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. that no one can move or say a word. BACK TO: 188 INT. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. ungrateful prick.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. It's so utterly shocking to both of them. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better. 186 INT. his father. Her eyes puffy from crying. you miserable. tearing the room apart. He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. but she still loved you.
. PLEASE. SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. SOLANGE Here. Kate is unsure what to do. She steps to him and does his tie.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. They say nothing. 191 INT.BEDROOM . HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . carrying two cups of coffee. His eyes filled with tears. His frustration finally boils over. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. been. BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number. won't make eye contact. Barney.BARNEY'S APARTMENT . The elevator doors open revealing Solange. let me do it. STOP. There. is trying but unable to do his tie. 123.CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. 190 INT. STOP!! He finally stops.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror. WALK-IN CLOSET . He looks up her. FADE OUT: 189 INT. in his best suit.
elegant and graceful as she ever was. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124.GARDEN . 192 AND 192A 193 EXT. She walks out first. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. He takes one last look in the mirror.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. . Barney sits tight. drinking a glass of sparkling water.DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden. Every bit as gorgeous.
We had a beautiful marriage.PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. She tries to laugh. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. BARNEY We can't. Kate's numbers. I want you to be at peace with that. can't we? No. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. We 125. She nods. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? . are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. all know where this is going. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. Solange -. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. MIRIAM You look great. but has to fight off tears instead.. They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me.. They sit. MIRIAM We can be friends now. But I do have crib notes. BARNEY You look fantastic.all the important stuff in case I get lost. but it's over.
Miriam hands him his fork. 197 196 He can't remember .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. 194 195 They grin with anticipation. warm chocolate sponge..A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.DAY 126. Miriam slices through the moist. Mmmm. JEAN Bonjour. And they eat cake. 197 INT.RITZ CARLTON . Barney and Miriam each have one. BARNEY Thank you.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. LADIES BATHROOM . RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . which one he is supposed to use. She races over to Jean. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT. LATER CU . RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN .. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure. 194 195 OMITTED EXT.MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. Carries it past her lips and savors. She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery.GARDEN . Heaven.
* . Madame. Miriam cocks her head. BARNEY Lost me? Hey. you're practically shaking. beat up WALLET. Jean hands her Barney's old. 127. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT . grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. Barney is standing there. did you see Barney? JEAN No.. I got so scared. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. 198 INT. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. watch a movie. why don't we go home. but forgot his wallet on the table. He's carried this on him all these years. takes her breath away. curl up in bed. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL . MIRIAM I thought I lost you. BARNEY Look at you.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet..RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . CONGRATULATIONS. wondering why he said that.she pulls it out. he paid the bill.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. the kids are gone. The paper old and cracked. Without thinking why .THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME.
FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. 199 . His friend. was the only suspect in the case. 128. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up. You're the one who dropped them off at school. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. MOUNT ORFORD .NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain.. Barney Panofsky. the kids. He pulls her close.? BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. flippers and goggles. Boogie's bones with snorkel. MIRIAM Let's get you home. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". don't cry. who went missing over thirty years ago. She falls into his embrace.DAY ON TV .. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love. as happy as he's ever been.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch.
O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him. KITCHEN . Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange. that. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over.BLUE 7-3-09 200 129.COTTAGE . Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. For years now. MICHAEL Okay. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 . doesn't mean he didn't kill him. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. KATE (laughs) Oh. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN.
just in case she checked the number. It's a picture perfect day.CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. Michael looks out onto the lake.COTTAGE . Hands it to Michael. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. DEN . MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever. Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. but it's true. While she signs the pages. . SUNROOM . 130. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. Michael and Kate sit. Kate drips honey into her tea. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. Daddy asked me to keep it going.CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. They continue out to the -206 INT. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. To make her feel good. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub.
(beat) He shouldn't have included that. Okay. * . Leo Fasoli. She's married to Blair. Hands it back. but it's not relevant anymore. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. MICHAEL I agree. She finishes signing the agreement. Beat. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. Miriam Grant Panofsky. done. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. KATE Only until death do them part. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. the original painting by my late friend. MICHAEL There's one last thing.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. Yeah. I leave our city condo. It's not fair to her. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". 131.
Clips and . Michael turns the Banana over for him.DAY Michael 132. KATE Stop it. MICHAEL Try it this way. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did. He didn't do it. even react to Michael's presence. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. lights it. KATE He's our father. 208 EXT. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. Turns it back over again. oddly.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. COTTAGE . Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. Michael exits.
Watching this. He exchanges the banana for the cigar.. Oh my God. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze.. Tears in her eyes. did you see that? He turns to Barney who.. CEMETERY .. 209 . Blades of thick. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. Barney continues to puff on his cigar. dad. having gotten away from the young family previously.. I'm so sorry.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. it suddenly comes together for Michael. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL. It pulls back up into the sky. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. KATE Standing on the deck. watching them.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. FADE TO: 209 EXT. if any... The plane descends toward the lake. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. but his thoughts. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died.DAY Bright. Barney is able to 133. the hull closes. It opens its hull and drops its water load . Michael takes his father's hand. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. much to his surprise. A perfect blue sky behind them. green grass flutter. is watching the plane too.. holding it. dad. are a mystery to all. just don't tell Kate. His eyes light up with excitement. smoke it just fine.
as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers. MOVING WITH MIRIAM . the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 . 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave. then starts back down the hill.GRAVE SITE .GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path. CEMETERY . A view of the entire city. 134. she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips.DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery. Maybe the most picturesque spot ever. 210 EXT....2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE .beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END . Her eyes moist with tears.
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