This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
Impotence is still on the table. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? . 8A INT. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later.CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. BARNEY I've been 3. 8 * * * KATE Dad. Putz. it's still a heart attack. Rushes out the door. KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. BARNEY That's true. carrying a bag and thermos. He finds his keys.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). KATE He thought it was indigestion. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. HALLWAY .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. BARNEY The ringer was off. KATE Daddy. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. BARNEY How bad? Minor. STREET . Barney's daughter. where were you? calling all morning.
It was your call that woke her. filled with glee at this news. KATE You better. I'm fine. KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at. CUT TO: 9 INT. BARNEY I'll call you back.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. KATE My hero. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. dad. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. the elevator.. KATE Sure. elevator arrives. On the elevator doors closing we. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. I'm stepping in DING. CAR . (beat) I'll call you later. BARNEY So I saved his life.. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. The 4.DRIVING . He steps in. . Barney grins from ear to ear. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number.
He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. TV SOUNDSTAGE .DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. herself. SOLANGE. O'MALLEY. KATE Love you. 9A EXT. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. making a "house call" to the local bar. mid-50's and still handsome. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . Great. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. The CONSTABLE.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay. BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. The scene is painful for him watch. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . CUT TO: 10 INT. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. 5. BARNEY Love you too. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. and sits in his producers chair. the long running soap . is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52)."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show.
Yes I've seen today's paper. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. 11 . story editors. (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. Everyone talking over each other.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. including MARK (40).everyone still hot on his tail. leading everyone into -11 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . let that be the end of it. MARK Barney. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. Barney pushes through a door. Barney whisks through the aisles . MARK They're looking ahead. struggling to keep pace. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. BARNEY That's in a year. assistants.
I'll give her your job before that happens. BARNEY No. MARK They're not asking. Someone young. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. If we don't do it. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . No one under fifty watches the show. BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. Barney heads into -12 INT.CONTINUOUS 7. MARK They want to bring in a new face. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. 12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. No way. BARNEY'S OFFICE . this is our last season. She's been on the show since day one. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. Maybe give Solange a sexy.
SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. Tell me honestly. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. MARK Barney. Sexy as hell. how do I look? Beat. a real shark. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. instantly softens. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. Barney tosses the folder aside. and he says-MARK Whoa. Her tone . Solange. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. whoa. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. They love me over there. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone.
Not wanting to get into it.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. GRUMPY'S BAR . O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. She stops just before exiting.GRUMPY'S BAR. 9. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual.DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . JILL He's had more than a few already. With a glance. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar. around 60. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT. then takes a deep breath. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. slides off his barstool. Barney ignores him. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. Grossly overweight.DRIVING . 14 INT.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. slamming the door behind her for effect. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. Solange takes the cue. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. blotchy salmon red complexion. Jill directs Barney down the bar. 14 13 . puts her game face on and storms out. BARNEY'S CAR . Barney busies himself with moving around papers. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine.
If you won't tell me now. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. Look at you . none of this would have been possible without you. Marvelling at his idiocy. Barney looks at O'Hearne. POUNDS it shut with his fist. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. 10. share in the moment. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. I even signed it.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. O'HEARNE Chainsaw. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine. Detective Sean O'Hearne". I carved him up with a chainsaw. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. you're bound to go first. . my ass. be a "mensch". Barney opens the book . You'd never have the guts to cut him up. like you might say. dumped the parts in the St. I thought I'd buy you a drink. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. Lawrence river. All the best. He's very drunk.
three fawning girls with him. INSERT . sweetie. . 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . O'Hearne is right up in his face. Lively conversations overlap.PAST TITLE: ROME.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. Italian bearded artist. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON. He slides the book back over to him. actor. as we move around a crowded table. ex-pats and plenty of girls. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. RESTAURANT .NIGHT . Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT. JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. O'Hearne marches out. (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. ROME . Panofsky. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. Locals. African American. LEO FASOLI. Barney's Algonquin Round Table.TRASTAVERE. Copious amounts of food and drink. extremely handsome. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book. INTENSE stare. and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. 11. BARNEY Your breath stinks.
Who do I look like. Everyone toasts. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. as you have in thought". So I tell him . . (flirtatious) You look familiar to me."Roberto. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess. I am now posse member number 4. CEDRIC I'm an actor.. LEO To Cedric. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula". He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. Barney's best and most cherished friend.. BOOGIE. Tall and lean.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him.PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC .
no less. The Countess then slides up to Boogie. A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. MARIA You look like a movie 12A. kisses him deeply. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. then walks off to the bathroom. whispers something in his ear. LEO Where did you meet her? .PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. star. the Countess.
"not so good". Everyone toasts. actually. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates . skinny. CEDRIC Barney . What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well. I'm getting married. I want to hear about all of you. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. pale and beautiful. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. tall. 13. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. Three months pregnant.S. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. that would be great. LEO The show was a bust. But enough about that. I only sold one piece .our very own patron of the arts. If you could find out AND get her name.) To me. my High Priest. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. and slightly showing at her belly. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). Leo. BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. .to Barney. gypsy shawl and skirt. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime.
16 EXT. the whole gang pours out into the street. CLARA I'm sorry. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick. the party around them continues on. He starts to soften.. You're still my yummy yid. Hymie back in Montreal. She instantly To 14.. baby. Barney and Boogie lead the way. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. switches gears to soft and loving. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. curling herself around him like a cat..BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. ROME STREET . It's fucking humiliating.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. She gets on his lap. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. You're not one of us. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. sharing a flask. Barney scowls at Clara.
CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. I'm exhausted. come on. not a wife. BOOGIE If you say so. Barney. Oh. 15. who is quite smitten with him. and I'm fucking pregnant too. CLARA Oh no. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. LEO Yeah. you're not. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. C'mon. . BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. BOOGIE He's coming with me. Oh. yeah. She's a conversation piece. I'm seeing. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow.
.PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street. 15A.
Horse. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. Opium. But you can read it so far. a pack of rolling papers. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. Absolutely brilliant. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it.HOTEL CISTERNA . BOOGIE We have to do it all. 17 INT. a small ball of TINFOIL. . Why? BOOGIE Provisions. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. Barney. We only go around once.everything under and behind the sun.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16. 17 A bottle of Scotch. on and off the table. this is brilliant. two packs of Gauloises. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. BOOGIE'S ROOM . BARNEY Boogie. Hash . They toast and drink.
BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. After an ungodly amount of drilling. Pious and pristine . and now a shell of the hole she used to be. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. INSERT . Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. it's not finished yet. BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17. her elasticity is restored. And anyway. Barney looks at him dumfounded.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. Then one day. . As reward. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. BARNEY Let me guess . without warning or reason.Vanessa is the editor's wife. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock.
Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. Boogie. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). JUDGE I vistri passaporti. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. helps her up the stairs. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent.CAMPIDOGLIO .DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. ahead of the others. BARNEY Jesus. CUT TO: 18 EXT. Leonardo Fasoli. prego . prego. wearing a black veil. Clara is seven months pregnant. . Boogie. Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. we're already late. no one will think anything less of you. stop dicking around and finish your book already. BARNEY (beat) C'mon. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. 18. STAIRS . Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen.DAY Wedding day.CAMPIDOGLIO . Cedric. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe.Bernardo Moscovitz. 19 INT. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . you don't have to go through with this. BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying.YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was.
They're locked in our attic. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. is chiama Clara Chambers. Barney signs. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19. . Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. CLARA (CONT'D) There.PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license.Yosel and Chaim. BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. I ran away on the honeymoon. firmi qui. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. Dumfounded silence. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy. CLARA Only two . firmi qui. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. Clara says nothing.
Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END. I figured they should know. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. trembling with white knuckle fear. CUT TO: 21 INT. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. CLARA I'm sorry. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. sketches and paintings. a child terrified of the thunder. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table.NIGHT 20. but she has her odd charms. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. She may be crazy. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems.DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. clutching her black wedding veil. . (beat) You still love your crazy Clara.YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT.
(beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry. look her in the eye. BARNEY I'm the father. 22 INT. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father . Barney is speechless.HOSPITAL .DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. Or maybe Charnofsky. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino. DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. Clara strokes his arm.for our records.mi dispiace . Or Chambers. lights up a cigarette. 21. CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. (MORE) . I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk.Clara Panofsky. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . then to his charts. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . 23 INT. in Italian) I need to find my wife .PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse. CLARA Oh Barney. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. than back at Barney.I will speak in English.
I never knew you had such a practical streak in you.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. I'm ready to talk now. BARNEY Clara. 24 INT. HALLWAY . BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. BOOGIE Easy. pours her a glass of water. 24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building."what the fuck?". chumps. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric. C'mon. The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. 24A EXT. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 . CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. incredulous grunt. CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door.HOSPITAL . He just lost a son. he walks off. CLARA Okay.DAY 22. 25 INT. Barney looks at Boogie .PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . Surprise. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. Barney waits. it's disgusting to look at. man.
CONTINUOUS 23. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck.someone who shops. Now you can finally go back home. the color's come back into your cheeks. your insight is dazzling. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. Barney! Let's start over! Please. 27 . He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. Barney walks out and never looks back. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. STAIRWELL . Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. CLARA Come now. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. BOOGIE'S ROOM .HOTEL CISTERNA . 26 INT. CLARA Oh look. I did you a great favor. 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney. I'm not a pig despite what you might think.
well up with tears. empty wine bottles. Shit.) Dear Barney. Yours.DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two.O. I really do miss you. snoozing on the sofa. STAIRWELL . An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .. KITCHEN . Sorry.. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. ashtrays. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V.DAY Barney runs up the stairs..CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. I'm sorry. I think it came a few days ago. Barney drops to her. The candles completely burned away.VILLA DELLA FONTE . 31 INT. 29 INT. Please come for dinner tonight at eight. BEDROOM . I forgot. His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. the abstract painting of Leo's. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . to a hung over Barney. Barney reaches for the lighter. 30 INT. Clara. I think it's important we talk.. that. I need you. 28 INT. Nothing. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust.DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry. I'll even make latkes.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove.. 32 31 30 29 28 .. feels for a pulse.PINK 7-27-09 24.
Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. Barney steps to the side. I'm Clara's father.BLUE 6-25-09 25. Clara made it. Your machuten. Clara's Paintings". Hands clasped behind his back. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. drawn to look like Satan. black hat. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. (MORE) . May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. BARNEY We lost him. Clara's Sketches. Rising unsteadily. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. (beat) She said her parents were dead. CHARNOFSKY (50). CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. studying the apartment. stands there. CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. An Orthodox Jew. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. He opens the door. Charnofsky wanders in.
Ship them to my nephew. leave it outside the door. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. you said? Filth about me and her mother. People think highly of her work. diaries. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. Charnofsky finishes his drink. It's not a princely living. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. (MORE) . Pours himself another. He's a professor of literature at NYU.BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. 33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. but they provide us with an apartment. It all started when she was twelve. Tearing her hair out in clumps. Poems. My wife would bring her food. "I'm not Jewish". She was a danger to everyone. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. I'm sure.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. ink drawings. She would refuse to eat. KITCHEN . He used to encourage her. That's when I started locking her in the attic. You should have a publisher look at them. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. My wife wanted to die. CUT TO: 33 INT.
went to Harvard. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. We did everything we could. BARNEY I think you should leave. 34 . 27. 34 INT.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic. CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway. the best in town. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. BARNEY She was obviously sick. but only God determines the outcome. You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . Kupner. It was a horror.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself.
looking at the strainer quizzically.BROOKLYN .DAY . Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26). MICHAEL Hi dad. Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. Turns the burner off.. in his Brooklyn loft. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. It's ready. He pauses for a moment.. BARNEY Get out NOW. 28.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard. oysvorf. MICHAEL'S LOFT . Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer. Barney's son. 36 INT.KITCHEN . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Michael. mamzer. He grabs the phone and dials.? MICHAEL What? . Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT. 44 .NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen. It could happen here. Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2. You sit here. CUT TO: 44 INT. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy.FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3. He's getting the hang of this. A silver-haired. Barney looks a little green around the collar. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . fat cat. IRV (V. IRV'S CONDO . insurance policy. Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit.DAY . 32. Israel is our insurance policy. nowhere else. Not the numbers on his tax returns . insurance policy.FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1. 41 INT. BARNEY It could happen here.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable.DAY . He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . now seated.) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. I'll give you the target's annual income.O.the real numbers. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . IRV This is my table.DAY . you tell him. 43 INT.GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here.
voluptuous. Sit. and she's a real looker. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. I got a girl I want you to meet. IRV Gentlemen. BARNEY Irv. Irv escorts Barney away. stylishly dressed. but it could happen here. producing. They're hitting it off. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. Irv's told me all about you. IRV Listen. she has a master's from McGill. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. P You must be Barney. TARGET 1 Absolutely. SECOND MRS. it's all the same dance. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. The ultimate . I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. P (30). but tell Marv about the TV deal. 'JAP'. we get that. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. SECOND MRS. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. I don't need to be set up. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. Cute. boychick? Fundraising.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. Now listen.
SECOND MRS. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. IZZY I got it. his father. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -. A short. Don't worry. Her grating qualities aside.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. fine china.. P Mr. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. BARNEY So. P'S PARENTS MANSION . 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS .LATER Classical music. THE SECOND MRS. kid. IZZY Swanky. walk up the steep steps. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift. stares at them coldly.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. having been a detective and all. They reach the door. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). that's the housekeeper. FORMAL DINING ROOM . 34. 45 EXT. remember. watch the language and mind the manners.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. Polish housekeeper. dad. ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. . Panofsky. Maybe Irv's right.. 46 INT.
And I was just a beat cop. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. gorgeous. Big score for a rookie. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. I ain't gonna work for free. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. and I'm trying to play it by the book. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. then haul 'em all in. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. when a feller is young and you give him authority. IZZY Look. he likes to push (MORE) 35. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. throw the fourth across the hood. So I toss three in the back. .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please.you figure it out". handcuff him to the side-view mirror. call me Izzy. that's so dangerous. BARNEY He means unnecessarily. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him.
And most of the time I was. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. . 35A.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around.
IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great.. CAR . But you're the one with the mansion on the hill. P squeezes Barney high up his leg. he hasn't slept for days. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs.. Under the table Mrs. Izzy.DRIVING . Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. . So get to shtupping and multiply already. P raises their glasses. Everyone continues eating. Barney and The Second Mrs. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . P. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs. CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. You never know what tomorrow brings. It's been two months since I last heard from you. Barney flinches. IZZY I call it like I see it.GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. Let's make a toast.MONTREAL AIRPORT . Cutlery tinkling.what a sweet little casserole you are.
THE SECOND MRS.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I have no doubt of. BARNEY C'mon. Anyway. wiping tears of joy. all with the same haircut. * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests. and his ushers: IRV.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. RECEPTION HALL . you haven't even met her yet. 48 INT. LEO and even CEDRIC. 49 INT.no questions asked. Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot.still hoping this is just a nightmare. BOOGIE Listen.NIGHT 37. BARNEY That. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. man. A huge affair. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me. BOOGIE. CEREMONY HALL . BARNEY Fuck me. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. . The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. and her PARENTS . The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride. have I got stories for you.
GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs. 51 INT.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . RECEPTION HALL . Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. .zip. 52 INT. P. P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. He joins Barney. RECEPTION HALL .NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor. But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms. Barney downs another shot.NIGHT 38. BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band. Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU . PLATES LAND at various tables. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night. RECEPTION HALL . LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him. BARNEY What's the score? One .Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Shit.The Second Mrs.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored.
Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. The Second Mrs. Then more shots. . * * They all do a round of shots. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. shots.
GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. knowing Izzy. . Irv. loves every minute of it. The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes.
disperses. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. 53 INT.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. except for Irv. what's in your pocket? . But then.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .. As Barney escorts Izzy away. Barney gives his father a big hug. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move. 39.I never bust the girls. RECEPTION HALL . maybe you should tone it down a little. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon. Anyway. they provide a valuable service . there are ladies present. BARNEY Dad.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug .. What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here. I'll be right back. IZZY What.but we do it for appearances. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr. the ENTIRE TABLE. love him more. Panosfky. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit .he comes at me with a chair. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz.
From inside his jacket. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. Gorgeous. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink.. BARNEY Thank you.. BARNEY I don't know what to say.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. Barney stomps off. Barney turns away. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. I want you to have it.S. Just as he is about to reach him. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh. Slide out their glasses for refills. They walk to the bar. don't embarrass me. pushing through the crowd. no. Barney is mesmerized.) . IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. but then cuts right back -(O.MIRIAM GRANT (28). IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. striking eyes. classy. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . 40. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. Gets his father in law in his sights. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. forget it.
I'm Miriam. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. BARNEY That's the name of my company.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I'm Barney. BARNEY We haven't met yet. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager. That's something he can never tire of. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. MIRIAM Thank you for having me. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. not to mention really drunk. BARNEY Perfect. 54 INT. Barney walks right up to her. He's my father and he'll have your respect. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. She laughs. 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. RECEPTION HALL . (CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television.NIGHT 41. Miriam . MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. Father-In-Law is speechless.
She grabs a box of matches from the table. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. I wouldn't want it to bother you. The entire moment incredibly intimate. BARNEY Lectors. the workers favorite story was. you guessed it. BARNEY The hockey game. Entertainment to make the day pass better. the Count of said name. that's okay. MIRIAM Please. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . BARNEY YES. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. BARNEY Oh. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. 42. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work.readers. MIRIAM Nice touch.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. * * * MIRIAM Who's winning? . It's a Montecristo. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared.
P directly behind him.) . MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that.no .S. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS. He stands. P She went to McGill with me. Anyway. rises and extends her hand. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. P I see you met Miriam. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome.why? SECOND MRS. and with perfect manners. works in radio now. I have a train to catch later. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. hockey? You follow 43.sure .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. but I do read newspapers.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . She's such a snob that one. * MIRIAM No. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. MIRIAM Congratulations again. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back.NIGHT 55 (O. 55 INT. P Barney? The Second Mrs. LATER RECEPTION HALL .
wiping his sniffling. It's raining. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. he's drunk and looks miserable. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * . BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. P Oh Barney. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. Boogie sits beside him. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. INSERT . BARNEY Thanks for being here. irretrievably in love. for the first time in my life I am truly. CONGRATULATIONS." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. Boogie. P appears behind him. SECOND MRS. coked-up nose. so am I. 56 EXT. draping her arms around his neck. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I almost forgot. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. So am I. Cars are honking. The Second Mrs. seriously.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch. They knock glasses. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. 44. Smart as a whip too. MIRIAM. His tie loose around his neck.
CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O.NIGHT 45. looking for Miriam. sprints down the stairs into the station. passing from car to car. He drops into the seat next to her. She's wearing her reading glasses. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. BARNEY I like you with glasses. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. 58 . or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. She takes them off. She's stunned. soaking wet. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM.on your WEDDING NIGHT.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train..S.Herzog by Saul Bellow. 58 INT. where a porter is checking passengers tickets. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. Shuts her book . TRAIN .GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT. Barney grins from ear to ear. or stay with me.. Thinking fast on his feet. whom he finally spots.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met . engrossed in a novel. 57A* * Barney. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good.
CONDUCTOR I. (O. Beat. .the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out. Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. He stands . Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. at a funeral. Barney gets off the train.. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens. BARNEY I don't have I. just like that. MIRIAM Go home. Among other things. CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train.) 46. That smile is enough to melt his heart.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. tickets. TRAIN PLATFORM . sits at the window. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress.D. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him. on my death bed. Every word he says . 59 INT. Barney. or a ticket.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. It really does.D. Barney finally concedes. but won't look at him. It's happened. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you.S. watching him still chasing after her.
P Oh my God. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. SECOND MRS. The Second Mrs. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. THE SECOND MRS. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. I could have told you what it was for.DAY 61 On their honeymoon. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No.he's a mess. The Second Mrs. * CUT TO: 61 EXT. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. SECOND MRS. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome. .GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. SECOND MRS. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. P runs out and wraps herself around him. P'S PARENTS MANSION . I was so ferklempt Dr. Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. SECOND MRS. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. bloody knee and palms.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . Barney and The Second Mrs. the hospitals. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. 47.ROME . Barney steps inside. 60 * Ripped pants. Everyone falls silent. Oops. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge.
Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. . I'll talk to you tomorrow. tell Daddy I love him.. I'll talk to you tomorrow. and the soaps are to die for... P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment. Of course I will..M. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it.DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs. SECOND MRS. Okay. That perks him up 48. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother. P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother.ROME .. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y. you should see the bathrobes we've got here. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie.A.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.HOTEL . Arlene will die on the spot. P (into phone) --Ma. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads... Ma.. CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT. DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT. SECOND MRS. HONEYMOON SUITE .. I'm just saying. slightly.. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?.. sure. Okay.H. P (into phone) --It's from Dior.DAY 64 The Second Mrs. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays.ROME .. HONEYMOON SUITE .. SECOND MRS.HOTEL ..
(beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. I didn't even invite her. P Good? SECOND MRS. we do have a big family.YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. SECOND MRS. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. BARNEY Jeff seems gay.. Oh good. the family. P Miriam Grant. My cousin Jeff brought her. P He just pretends for BARNEY . P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. Jeff is gay. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. And what about that girl. Beat. the one in the blue dress. BARNEY Who was she again? 49. Right. BARNEY You certainly do. SECOND MRS. I think she was from New York. SECOND MRS. She gets onto the bed beside him.. P Well.
(gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner.BOOKSTORE . Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. SECOND MRS. 66 INT.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line. The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. Barney squeezes through the crowd. SECOND MRS. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. 50. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. P Okay.DAY . Nap? SECOND MRS. gracing its cover. P I don't think so. I'm late. a highly invasive procedure. MONTREAL STREET . P With soap? BARNEY Yes. I took a cab. SECOND MRS. Hurrying down the street. I just got here.but then POPS back up.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. KATE That's okay. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL. 66 65 . accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. She dives back under and starts in again.DAY . COFFEE SHOP . BARNEY Sorry. The Second Mrs.
BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. . haven't I? 51. (to cashier) Two double espressos. No crazies today. you opt for something infinitely worse. (to Kate) Continue. (to Barney) You do something awful. The man still can't fly out of the country.is not going to happen. BARNEY I've upset Claire.perplexed. but instead of trying to make up for it. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. BARNEY By what? KATE By you. Before that. my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth .this . KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. flaxseed . KATE Dad.
KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. You got divorced. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. 52.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. 67 EXT. he's a nasty piece of work. KATE No he didn't. I'm sorry. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. I have a date. BARNEY They're married. She got remarried. 67 . BARNEY He stole her from me. but it's time to let it go. KATE My point is. it's time to lay off Blair. STREET . They get their coffees and walk to the door. BARNEY Funny. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. They're happily married. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually. Stick to the facts.
I think that's a sign of maturity.MONTREAL BRIDGE . Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there.DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. We'll see. A Montecristo. 67A INT/EXT. BARNEY Right. BARNEY'S CAR .COUNTRY ROAD . BARNEY'S CAR . KATE (CONT'D) Confused.DAY Barney drives out of the city. What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab. I definitely need a weekend in the country.DRIVING .NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. A RUSTLING comes from the woods. 53. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love.COTTAGE . 69 EXT.YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice. Barney stops walking. (laughing it off) Well. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE". behind him. Macallan's. 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. 69 .DRIVING . DECK . I like him. 68 Looks around. Probably a squirrel.
Wearing a tight. Constable. Barney stands. TV SOUNDSTAGE . Something RUSTLES again. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. their business. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead.) Great. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. From a distance. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching.DAY . she's a total knockout. trying to see through the darkness. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you. Look at her. nurse. this time a little closer.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. CUT! DIRECTOR (O. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. Hoping.S.PINK 7-27-09 54. leans on the wood railing. low cut outfit. . O'MALLEY Thank you. Waiting for something to appear. We now see why she was originally hired.
BARNEY I know.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT. Really? matter. words matter. this has to stop. NEW YORK RADIO STATION . and the gifts every week it's something else. Why don't we talk about it over lunch.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney. I'm sorry. there's a call for you. OFFICE . INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers.OFFICE . MIRIAM Barney. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. 71 INT. (MORE) 55. A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word.SOUNDSTAGE . Actions They have consequences. MIRIAM Well. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. 71 72 .
so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated.. feeling like progress is being made. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. as you have in thought". SECOND MRS. No. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead. Thank you.. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. rearranging knick-knacks. . P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS...BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously. what did I say wrong?. P'S HOUSE . MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act.. exactly.. Do Barney smiles.. then act accordingly. SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway.MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing. I'm watching my figure. Ma. yes.. you understand me.. 56.. 73 EXT. (curt) I have to go.. Barney? BARNEY Yes. 74 INT. The Second Mrs. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. P flutters about. P'S HOUSE . With the phone tucked to her ear. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age. P who decorated it.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood.
. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth. I know it's disgusting.. Goodbye. ma. I have to go.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. 75 SECOND MRS. BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house. SECOND MRS.. Looks at Clara's drawing again. KITCHEN . She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall.. Listen. SECOND MRS.. P Tell me something . you asked!. I wasn't talking to you.. Barney continues reading .. Ma... SECOND MRS. It makes her gag.. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs.. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. No. She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT. THIS IS IMPORTANT!! .you were at the game last night..YELLOW 8-7-09 57. P BARNEY. deciding on something to hang. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. who do you think?. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place. We just changed all the carpets. Okay. I had to fire the maid. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going. She hangs up. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out..tuning her out completely.... SECOND MRS. To the king of Macedonia. I'll pick you up at noon. I will. SECOND MRS.
BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. 76 EXT. stumbles toward Barney's car. I had to fix one more time. high. P THIS.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. BARNEY Just get in. couple days. Talking.* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. I was on a fifteen hour flight. This is what marriage is. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick. FLEABAG HOTEL . P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. * * . Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS. In bad shape. Communicating.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. Boogie emerges from the building. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. See you in a 58. His appearance is shocking to Barney. Boogie gets in the car. BOOGIE C'mon.
greens. BARNEY Surprise.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. P is on the porch.COTTAGE . THE SECOND MRS. 80 79 INT. . GUEST BEDROOM . BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. P I thought I'd surprise you. potatoes. A roast. 79 INT. 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat. and he needed somewhere safe to kick. it's called rehab. SECOND MRS.DAY 59. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . P Yeah. COTTAGE . looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. drinking wine. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes.COUNTRY HOUSE . SECOND MRS. Barney helps Boogie up the steps.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. SECOND MRS. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink. 80 He's out cold.
BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. 81 He won't look her in the eye. DECK . P Stop. P Be a man. Look what I found while going through your pockets. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. SECOND MRS. Barney stares out at the lake.COUNTRY HOUSE . no hesitation. 81 EXT. Barney storms out to the DECK. Barney. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. SECOND MRS. BARNEY Jesus Christ. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. 60. This is ridiculous. I called the florist.CONTINUOUS She follows him out. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. P Well played. While usually discreet about their clients. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. P You don't know the half of it. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this. .
SECOND MRS. Now it's been months since we made love. SECOND MRS. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her. KITCHEN . is a true country paradise. P Shmuck. 82A 83 OMITTED INT. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. And you are such a liar. Fuck you.DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. P No. I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto.COTTAGE . It was the happiest moment of my life. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS. It hurts her like hell. so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. The calm of the lake. You say you've never been unfaithful. 82 EXT. Call you later . COTTAGE . 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada. GRUMPY'S . 83A EXT. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed.DAWN 61.MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes. I don't understand what you want anymore. . She goes back inside. but she's not going to cry in front of him. The Second Mrs.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day.Barney".
DAY 62. I know how hard marriage can be. IZZY Boychick. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. Barney drops down across from him. BARNEY I have to get a divorce. Beat. IZZY Jesus Christ. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth.YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. GRUMPY'S BAR . 84 Two Scotches on the table. listen. (MORE) . IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know.
You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater . ain't life grand. IZZY She's a tough cookie. Let's take a good. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. If you divorce her. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. Beat. flaky kugel and has a great rack. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. 63.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. and then real life starts. makes a nice. Many successful marriages were built on far less. hard look at the situation. .
P (O. 64. Cigar. SECOND MRS. chugging coffee. my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. 87 INT.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No.DRIVING .MORNING Still hungover. SECOND MRS. Scotch. IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely. 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow. 87 86 .) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch.. Walks down the hall.MORNING Barney enters the house. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM. BARNEY'S HOUSE . BARNEY'S CAR . but then just hangs up. 85 INT. P (O.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name.S. BARNEY Miriam. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. He considers responding. IZZY Alright then.. He opens the door to find. Barney drives up to the cottage. COTTAGE .S. 86 INT/EXT.COUNTRY ROAD . let's do this.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV.
COTTAGE . I still don't know how he got my nightie off. P storms out of the guest room past Barney. moaning. P This is all your fault. P I brought him something to eat.COTTAGE . HALL . SECOND MRS..COTTAGE . BEDROOM . SECOND MRS. P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs. then. Once it does.CONTINUOUS 65. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding. his sheets were soaked... I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm. she throws on whatever clothes she can find...BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. . SECOND MRS. Things are looking up for him. Kicking and screaming.. he was trembling.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in. 88 The Second Mrs.CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears. Barney is frozen with shock. he smiles. The Second Mrs. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS. you bastard. GUEST BEDROOM . BARNEY My wife and my best friend. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process.COTTAGE . and riding Boogie in the midst of hot.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie. 90 INT. HALL . P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. naked. BARNEY It must have been magic. P. 89 INT. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD.
COTTAGE . starts the engine.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. 66. 94 . 94 INT. then I'll come for you. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. He's already very drunk. P Animal! She drives away.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. He follows. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. P I'm going to my mother's. She gets in her car.COTTAGE . P You tell her yourself! No. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. rolls down the window. your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. COTTAGE . P Bullshit. 92 INT. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. and just for kicks. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. DEN . Barney right behind her. 92 93 SECOND MRS. 93 EXT. BARNEY I should kill you for this. HALL . SECOND MRS. don't she has a root canal today.
. He takes it out. but look here. It was innocent enough to start with .tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. I'm going to need you to do something for me. Boogie pours Barney a glass. BARNEY Check the dining room.. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy.you planned this all along. started talking you know how that goes . Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. * * * * * * * .) I don't see any Scotch.S. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney. 67. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me. BOOGIE You sly bastard . waves it around. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. que sera sera...GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first.she brought me something to eat. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up. who reticently takes it.
LATER There's more 68. I bet this is worth a pretty penny now.COTTAGE . will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. 95 INT. sketch that's leaning against the wall. . Hey. Scotch in the kitchen. He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers . actually.she wasn't too bad a poet.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. shmuck. I borrowed for you. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. More Scotch poured. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. Listen. BARNEY Neither was I. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection. DEN . BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. You owe me.
A TV hustler. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. and look what you've become. BOOGIE I'm still working on it. 96 . BOOGIE Oh. man? I brought you in. You know what. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta. You must have a snorkel and flippers here. 69. BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had.COTTAGE . 96 EXT. you have. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. I put the right books in your hands. MASK AND FLIPPERS. I educated you.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. BARNEY You're a fraud. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. Boogie pushes through the screen door. Barney follows him out. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. SUNROOM . the gun still in his sweater pocket. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah.
They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. I am not your pet project. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. and that's what you take as a personal offense. bottle again. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. I'll shoot.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. BARNEY Don't count on it. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. waddles onto the dock. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with. 70. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. BARNEY Boogie. They break apart. I will! . Absolutely nothing happened to me. Not your hope. Boogie slips on the flippers. BARNEY FUCK YOU. Not your vicarious life. COTTAGE . winded and woozy. that's his fucking job". you prick. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. "The Life of Heinrich Heine".CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock.
. BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A.PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air.
flying over a distant hillside.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. spreads his arms wide. Boogie grins. It appears the gun fired into the air. 100 INT. Barney stares him down.DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN .. Barney hits the bottle hard . BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 .COTTAGE . see Boogie resurface. woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. do it! 71. pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -.Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake. snaps on the goggles and the snorkel. tilts his head back. dampened cavity you think is a heart. We can't be sure. Barney's passed out on the sofa.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. Barney drunkenly staggers forward. 100 DEN . but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction.COTTAGE . starting from a distance and approaching fast.COTTAGE . 101 EXT.the gun FIRES -. still half drunk. A silent rage boiling inside.. DEN . DECK .MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in. BARNEY Don't you fucking move.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy. Barney turns and heads back up into the house.one shot after another.COTTAGE . LATER The bottle now empty. C'mon. 98 INT. 99 INT.
. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT. KITCHEN . younger. DOCK .YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. O'Hearne saunters through the house. There's a big fire a few miles east.S. O'HEARNE (O. He's broken into a cottage.) Busy day. A POLICE BOAT out there too. healthier than we know him to be. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer. Barney watches all this from the dock. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT. steps up along side Barney. sipping the beer. slimmer.COTTAGE .COTTAGE . DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes.
BARNEY My first wife made that. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. I guess. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. you did. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . I 73. No shit. to me for protection. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE Yeah.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. in a plastic evidence bag.
sending him to the floor.Miriam Grant. O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. O'HEARNE After.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin. Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. BARNEY Yes. then lays one into Barney's face. BARNEY Yeah. . right through his fucking heart. 74.. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that. O'HEARNE So you did shoot him.the florist gave us her name . BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York ..
Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. talk to his lawyer. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. and now he's missing. when. then again. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. BARNEY Go to hell.. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. Barney lifts himself to one knee. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. Now you got anything else to say. O'Hearne exits. but he attacked an officer of the law. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. O'HEARNE Very sweet. Unless you ate him. . IZZY You leave your hands off him. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. 75. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk.. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. we'll find the body before sundown. You threatened to kill them both. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. you don't have a body. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife.
so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. grabs the envelope. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. Let me get you 76. No body has been found yet. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. Our hands are tied. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. TV SOUNDSTAGE . We've searched the area for three weeks.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. some ice. Panofsky. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT. and signs the marked pages. alright. O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. RECEPTIONIST Barney. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. He rushes to the nearest phone.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. dials. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . IZZY Alright.
DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow.NEW YORK . The phone rings. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch. How about dinner? MIRIAM No.RADIO STATION . BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. Miriam. Just once. Beat. BARNEY Please. that's it. CUT TO: 107 INT. I'm divorced. OFFICE .YELLOW 8-7-09 77. Miriam chuckles. well. 107 .
.. clammy. pats himself dry.. Long beat. Looks 112 111 .DAY Barney splashes his face with water." Barney drops his pen. Pours them over ice..and again. make that two bottles and two dozen roses.. Herzog. 110 INT. Waiting...MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. great. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR. Barney's seated at a table. four ties laid on the bed.HOTEL RESTAURANT . Waiting. 109 108 HOTEL . and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. This is idiotic.. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite. He starts pacing.. BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon.. three suits. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter.DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd. well chilled. A sunny morning in the big apple.MORNING Two pair of shoes. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. Takes a deep breath.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . The clock reads: 10:03 AM. HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT. 109 EXT. 112 INT. 78.. NEW YORK CITY . He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty.NEW YORK CITY .MORNING Flying over Manhattan. HOTEL RESTAURANT . Alphonse Daudet. 110 He does the same again .. 111 INT. BATHROOM . Then dials the concierge. drunk. at himself in the mirror. CU .and again .NEW YORK .
The Iranian stuff. HOTEL RESTAURANT . MIRIAM Hi.DAY From the bathroom. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. and no. She's a heart stopping vision. And some Beluga. BARNEY HI. Champagne? This is an occasion.TABLE . don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. the Russian is too salty. Barney doesn't look so good.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT . Sweaty.. take your time. BARNEY Of course. startling her. (MORE) . 114 INT.DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. BARNEY Great. nervous as hell. we should have champagne. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. pale. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79. MIRIAM Yes. 113 Being led to their table. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it.. (to waiter) Just the Champagne.
80. Barney opens his collar. There's so much I want to talk about. we're finally here together. I know ... Oh. Miriam 115 .. hold on. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. pulls the bathroom door shut. BARNEY Wonderful.DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. what's it called.. you.have you read.. 115 INT.... I want to be clear on something. Barney's panicking. MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great. now we can celebrate. are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account. uh. MIRIAM Barney.. BARNEY Of course I did. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can.. MIRIAM You hardly know me. me.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here... desperately trying to hold it together. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney. Perspiration forming on his brow. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . The waiter arrives with the Champagne.
MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. Barney stirs awake.DAY 116 .) Room service. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. VOICE (O. CUT TO: 116 INT. Beat. reading the New York Times. BARNEY Never.BLUE 6-25-09 Then. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair. 81. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. her legs crossed.S. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". BARNEY I'm an idiot.nice reference. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Herzog or Alphonse Daudet . MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. by the way. there's a KNOCKING at the front door. MIRIAM Don't be so modest.
and maybe a slice of pizza.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God. or a break. Off Barney's delight -117 EXT. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up. She pries his hands from his face. He hardly even breathes between words.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause. Beat. credited to John Fitzgerald . we'll get some fresh air. STREET . 82. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. The pause. BARNEY Yeah. I don't want it to happen. 118 EXT. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. more intimate.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. And then he finally just runs out of steam. I'm absolutely starving. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time . Ever..CENTRAL PARK . He covers his face and begins to MOAN. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term. MIRIAM I'm still here. Their body language now 118 117 . He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. MIRIAM There it was.. Miriam finds it all utterly amusing.NIGHT They walk along the East River. EAST RIVER . Barney rambles on.DUSK They stroll along the park.
It's made up of little things . MIRIAM See. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. Right away. it's not. Barney thinks hard. that's what scares me about you. BARNEY Anything. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. It devastated every part of her. That's not real. And that will never happen to me. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. 83. BARNEY I would never do that to you. Heart and soul. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. I'll do anything for you. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. After all you've done to pursue me. Miriam. and that has to be enough. Don't answer 'anything'. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. He SNAPS it shut for effect. He was my hero. Mind and body. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. He knows he needs to come up with something good. . MIRIAM No. and life is real. (beat) It killed my mother.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. That's what gave her cancer.
She wraps her arms around him from behind.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. Barney can't wait another second.NIGHT The party is winding down. DOCK . on the porch. slow dancing. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. She kisses him. 84. COTTAGE . Only closest friends and family are in attendance. Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT. It's a beautiful night. DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT.COTTAGE . Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. Barney is out on the dock alone. drinking. We're going to be needing it. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. . Guests are still up at the house. you're not going to do that. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy.DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. tears already streaming down his face. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend.
121 Barney and Miriam's apartment.DAY (1982) 84A. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . (Where Barney still lives). .YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT.
Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love. 122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. BARNEY Really? 123 INT. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. He runs and leaps onto the bed.KITCHEN . BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. who is only a few months old. His eyes filled with tears.YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 . BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. MIRIAM Oh.DAY 85. Barney. Then it won't make you cry. BEDROOM . put it in the freezer. BABY'S ROOM .
Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. and his gorgeous wife. takes a deep breath. his children. smoking cigars. DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. The sun is setting. typical Izzy-ism. The sky a perfect orange hue. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. . drinking Scotch. COTTAGE . He opens his eyes. leaving it at that.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape.YELLOW 8-7-09 86. What? IZZY You did good.DUSK (1994) A perfect day.LAKE . holding onto this moment of perfection. Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam. kid. He closes his eyes. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT. COTTAGE . their feet up.
Tree hugger. BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No. He tries again. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No .harder. Michael stares blankly at him.S. . Again . Soft. COTTAGE .just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor. Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. angrier. dad.DOCK .) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . The engine won't turn. Beat. and again. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. Don't worry. 87.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. 129 EXT. Harmless. Birkenstocks.thanks .MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow.BLAIR (52). He takes a breather. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it. BLAIR (O. working up a big sweat.it .
MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan. BARNEY What do you do. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. 130 INT. BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. COTTAGE . I just moved from New York.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. . 88. Really? At WZAJ. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York.KITCHEN . * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it. but thank you. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. tying his and Barney's boat up.
) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener. They all say goodbye and Blair exits.NIGHT . Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio. And I re-attached the rip cord.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O. It was lovely to meet the both of you.KITCHEN . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire. they all step outside.CONTINUOUS 89. I'm Miriam Grant. thank you for listening. 131 EXT. then hops in his canoe. 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock. BARNEY (calling out) Michael. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". MIRIAM (V.) Yeah. COTTAGE . BARNEY Fire it up. CUT TO: 132 INT.O. MIRIAM That was nice of him. CU . and I should paddle back before it gets dark.upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor. RRRRR . As always.BARNEY CRYING 132 . Blair waves.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose.S.DECK .
A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with. MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat.BROOKLYN ... CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner.. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 .. MICHAEL'S LOFT . Michael. TAXI . briefcase. BARNEY Hello?.YELLOW 8-7-09 90. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. The phone RINGS.. hi. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT.NEW YORK CITY . He hangs up.. He answers. okay. I land at five. love you. Barney is yelling at the TV.DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him.. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. I'll just grab a cab to your place.business suit.. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT. Michael greets her at the door.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters .
MICHAEL Good night. Thank you. She heads off to the bedroom. BARNEY Michael. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. BARNEY MICHAEL. . you wouldn't do it in the first place.BLUE 7-3-09 91. wait-MICHAEL Good-night. I have to get up early. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. of course. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. I'm sorry. CAROLINE Turn that down please. Michael begins to follow. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that. Michael stops. Barney looks to Michael for backup. BARNEY Michael. but is met with silence. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. Barney turns the TV off.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
polishing off his wine.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. soon Kate will be too.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. travel. (beat) I need to do this. Jean. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. Whatever you want to do. A hundred percent. I'm behind it. Barney sulks. go to Italy. But Michael's gone. 142 . CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. Jean leaves. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. 142 INT. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. MIRIAM It was important. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. as always. 97.BOOTH . BARNEY I'll quit working. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. get a Villa on Lake Como. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. We'll retire early. We both agreed that was important. I don't want you to. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. BARNEY Thank you. So you could be here with the kids and me.
I'm going to call Barney.. Miriam.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM . 144 INT. GRUMPY'S BAR . you're a natural.on the bar.NIGHT Miriam hangs up.HALLWAY . MIRIAM Thank you. HALLWAY . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 143 INT. Blair. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. 145 INT. Thank you so much for coming in. 98. watching the hockey game.Well. ringing. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. Thank you. Would you excuse me. Upset that Barney didn't answer. He 146 The 145 144 143 . that's all the time we have.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD.CBC RADIO STATION .MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. GUEST It is was a pleasure. doesn't hear it.NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house.. CBC RADIO STATION . BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT . BLAIR Really. Mr. Dalhousie. The ON AIR light turns OFF. MIRIAM Stop it. BLAIR Of course.BARNEY'S CELL PHONE . 146 INT.
147 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. like you've done a thousand times before. MIRIAM Okay. Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. 148 He's drunk 99. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. (MORE) You knew . and trying very hard to be quiet. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. quiet apartment. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight.BEDROOM . BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. BARNEY (beat) Yes.CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT.
why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space. Good night. IZZY You should get one. 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY . BARNEY I was thinking. BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. IZZY Thanks. See that? That's alone. Mother to Barney.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. fast. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. 149 EXT. Wife to Izzy.1972. She turns the light OFF. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. CEMETERY . But he's not very convincing. IZZY I'm not alone.1925 . The good ones go 100. . we don't sleep apart. but no thanks.
That's alone. (MORE) 100A. No wife. No kids.PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. I'm going to be right here with your mother. .
Miriam sets down her book. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her.DEN . exhausted. Long silence.NIGHT I 101.DINING ROOM . IZZY I'm used to being without her. 151 EXT. BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. Miriam's reading. brings a cigar back to the table.BEDROOM . guests continue with their conversation. Mr. 152 INT. You know it irritates Blair's asthma. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR. need to get laid. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .. Barney heads out to the den.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. please don't smoke that. . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan. Without a moment's pause. Barney stares at the ceiling.. THREE wives! 150 INT.CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. He gets up and MIRIAM Barney. much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out. are over for dinner.
then enters. MASSAGE PARLOR . GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time.NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. When she went back in. The Madame. She stops in front of room #4. Barney's eyes searching.. At least he went happy. the girl left the room to get a hot towel.. You made him so proud.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl. She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. 153 Barney groans. Beat. parks right in front. She takes his hand. EXT.? Barney nods.. GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished. The phone RINGS. 102.NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. who is sobbing. Barney 153 154 INT. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. Reaches for the phone. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 . BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. MASSAGE PARLOR .. He's at a loss. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times.RECEPTION . Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney.
155 Barney enters. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. takes in the room.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. covered in a white sheet. He starts to laugh at the situation. MASSAGE ROOM . The walls bare. Beat. a box of kleenex.LATER 156 Barney exits the room. They share a quiet moment. pressing it to his forehead.RECEPTION . Goldie shuts the door. half-grin on his face. Barney reaches into his pocket. and starts to cry. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. holding it with both his hands. MASSAGE PARLOR . CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 . peaceful. patting his father's hand. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up.CONTINUOUS 103. Then he squeezes it tighter. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his. leaving him alone. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. Izzy's body lays on the table. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. The lighting dim. 156 INT.
He sets down his pieces. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. KATE What word is that? INSERT .DEN . thanks.) No.. Attorney.. Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. Barney stares at the board. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION . Dad.then puts it back. 159 INT. BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there.? BARNEY Sorry.YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY ..S.stares at it quizzically . KATE You're missing half the letters.SCRABBLE BOARD. KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn.NIGHT .
I'll do it.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. He 105. Barney watches her go. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. BARNEY Leave that.. No. KATE Let me. She cries as long as she needs to. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. for her to start crying in his arms. BARNEY It'll be okay. FLASHBACK TO: . I promise. They break apart.. I'll get it. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. I know you're tired. That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. She gets up and starts to clean up. KATE No. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. dad. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve.
Leo lights a cigarette. What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. For all his success.PAST (2003) 106. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. CBC RADIO STATION . BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute. 161 * * * * * * * . there's a sense of melancholy to him. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. saying you no longer wanted to do it. once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost". Leo Fasoli. 161 EXT. the French author. then extends her hand to Barney.GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT. LEO Andre Gide. cara mia. CBC RADIO STATION . along with Leo's flavor of the month. Barney and Blair watch from the booth. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. Leo. She gives Leo a kiss.DAY . LEO FASOLI (61). He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him.DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out.BOOTH . But then you returned the money. She slips into the limo. A LIMO waits right outside the door.
BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. It's a real coup for Miriam. 106A.
Long silence. She's an amazing 107. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York.DINING ROOM . It makes me happy. 162 INT. They hug. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? . They drink. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. BLAIR I don't have it yet. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Guests don't clean. BARNEY Here's hoping. MIRIAM Yes you did. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. Miriam heads to the kitchen. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. woman. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. Leo gets in the limo and is driven away.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. Miriam begins to clear the table. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. BLAIR Let me help you. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch.
doesn't mean you can't be assertive. 164 .BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. INT. MIRIAM Thank you for coming. congratulations. Blair exits.. MIRIAM Thanks.DOORWAY . and again. Push them. who is just lighting up a cigar. but-Miriam enters. BARNEY A month? Jeez. 163 164 INT. DEN . BARNEY Just because you're gay.. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108. BLAIR I'm not gay. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that..to confront Barney. don't be so soft. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal.. it was a fantastic interview. but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .CONTINUOUS . Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses. BARNEY I didn't think so.
I'll take the week off. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. BARNEY Okay. Let's just skip that whole part. MIRIAM No. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. We're fighting about you. I think a little time apart will do us both good. . MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game.
he's scared to death. Anxious. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. OFFICE . She gives him a kiss and exits. RECEPTIONIST Good morning. A RETROSPECTIVE. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. TAXI CAB . pulls away.MORNING .IN MEMORIAM. Coffee in hand. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. 165 Barney rides in a taxi. I have the keys right here. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. It's only a week .okay? 110. Actually. Barney grabs the keys.MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS .MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married. ON THE SET 167 ." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days. BARNEY My car was stolen.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. Spring has arrived. The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT. TV SOUNDSTAGE . 166 The taxi 166 INT. greets him with a smile. He's fidgety. Barney. walks away. Find out what I have to do to report it. Barney nods but he's not happy about this. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI .
. ditzy.YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. young. cast as the new Nurse. A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. SEXPOT (21).
BARNEY Nope. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. SOLANGE (O. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing.S. SEXPOT Oh. I won't work out here.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. tight outfit her character would have worn. the gym for that. Barney continues his searching. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. Even though it's Barney's show. 168 INT. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. BARNEY'S OFFICE . He ducks out. I go to 111. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. He's frustrated. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. SOLANGE enters. angry. 168 . She's now directing the show.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. That's the point.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. eager to tell him something.
a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. The machine REVS and GRINDS. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 . OFFICE . Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte..YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria.. Chanel glasses. forcing them to raise their voices. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac. 112. Solange follows. Barney looks at the ticket. Solange fights back tears. 169 INT. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . The coffee machine stops. First Class. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. The entire office watching them. Dead silence. He makes his choice. get over it.
Barney looks at his watch -. BARNEY Good morning. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Hops up to get ready.shit. he's late.) Justin. Barney. DIES AT 66. FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT.S. BARNEY Fuck. BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago.FRONT PAGE BLURB ." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. (CONT'D) 113.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. come on. INSERT . Barney stares back. 171 INT. Barney turns back inside.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . NEIGHBOR (O.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. JUSTIN Hi Barney.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI. FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. INSERT .KITCHEN . Something he reads upsets him. Drops the paper on the table. Justin runs off. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . 171 He stares up at Scans the front page. BACK TO: .FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper. we're late.
PRESENT DAY 114. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT.BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT. Just answer them. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. DR.. (beat) Barney. there's no right or wrong. DR. 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. Solange approaches him carefully. BARNEY April. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE .DAY . BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. DR. DR. MANDEBAUM'S office. DR. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 .DAY Barney and Solange are in DR. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer.. BARNEY'S OFFICE . long time physician. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this.
BROOKLYN .) Hello? BARNEY Michael.. and frantic without Miriam around.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment. that's fucking embarrassing. then ringing.. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello. dad. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. MICHAEL (V. please.. Desperate 174 175* 175A INT. hi.O. 115.DAY . BARNEY A. DR. * FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT.. DR. goddamn it. Barney paces while on the phone. you know. MICHAEL'S LOFT . put your mother on the phone. it's German. (holding out phone) Mom. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too. INTERCUT 175A* . MANDEBAUM Just answer it. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DEN . I can't even find the fucking thing....PAST (2003) Scotch in hand..
I just needed that settled. BARNEY I've learned my lesson. Please. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine. you did. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. That we'll be together forever.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. please come home already... Come back 116. well. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. MIRIAM Barney. (MORE) . MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. BARNEY I'm sorry. I can't sleep without you beside me. and that got me thinking and. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. That's a big thing. MIRIAM I know. tonight. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today.
BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. MIRIAM Barney. Barney looks around the big. GRUMPY'S BAR . Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant. BARNEY I love you. I'm enjoying my week with my son. But I'm still not coming home today. She hangs up. So they called him down for a final interview.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. Goodbye. going out of his mind.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. 117. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. I love you. Now I have to go. No way! Barney shrugs.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . not knowing what to do with himself. BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? . BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer. empty house. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. He's already quite drunk. but I really do have to go. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. 176 INT.
Morty.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. 180 179 177 178 . MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. 179 INT. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. 180 INT. slow down. DR. And I need the results as soon as possible. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DRIVING . Syphilis. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT.DAY Driving home from the airport .YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. BARNEY I need a test. BLONDE That's okay. naked. Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. AIDS-DR. in a state of panic. whoa. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry.DAY Barney. would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit. MANDEBAUM Whoa. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . DR. Now. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test. Barney watches her walk away. I don't remember.DEN .NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. BARNEY'S CAR . Barney stares up at the ceiling. Gonorrhea. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. sweaty and satisfied. I remembered you right away. 118.
MIRIAM I missed you. MIRIAM I have a better idea. she's in the mood for love. MIRIAM It's good to be home. 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him. ... BARNEY I missed you too. 182 INT..BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water. Barney LEAPS to answer it. Barney.I'll put on some tea . 119. Too nice. Barney's acting strange. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing.. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on. relax. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags. talking from the other room.DAY They walk in from the airport. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . Problems on the set. Both anxious and nice. (to Miriam) It's work. Go. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen.and run you a bath. The phone RINGS. KITCHEN . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
Thank 120. thank God. BEDROOM .) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes. Barney takes a deep breath.. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. She's trembling. You were acting so strange.. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. I'll be in the bedroom.. I am. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? . She has to sit down. 183 MIRIAM I don't know why. okay.. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. oh. Miriam exits. Terrified. so?. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam.. The phone in her hand. BARNEY I'm not sick. bye. He hangs up.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. MIRIAM The way you cough at night. MIRIAM (O.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'.S. I'm not sick.. Barney walks into the bedroom. Naked. 183 INT. but I dialed star 69. you. BARNEY Morty.
YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat. BARNEY It meant nothing to me.A KNOCKING at the door. 120A.NIGHT . She storms out. MIRIAM HAD a life.PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . Miriam. Miriam is completely devastated. 184 . Off Barney. We have a life. completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY (CONT'D) Please.
Kate exits. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 185 INT.MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk.O.BLUE 7-3-09 121. And here's one for you Alphonse . Alphonse. all the way from Montreal.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" . (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. The door opens revealing KATE. She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. KATE Here you go. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. BARNEY Easy. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck. She nods . You could use one.DEN . Barney looks at her with surprise. her eyes filled with tears. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield. FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? .a request from our ever faithful listener. kiddo. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. Kate nods. Barney grins.that's for sure. Kate is standing in the door watching him. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. hands him his drink. MIRIAM (V. Alphonse.
MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better. BARNEY Michael. He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand.CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack. We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you. It's so utterly shocking to both of them. BARNEY Watch your mouth. Michael won't even look at his father. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. wait.YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122. you miserable.PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . but she still loved you. that no one can move or say a word. his father. Barney paces back and forth. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Her eyes puffy from crying. 186 INT. BACK TO: 188 INT. tearing the room apart.DAY . I'm still your father. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT .KITCHEN . . MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. ungrateful prick. Kate runs in and tries to stop him.DEN . but your mother and I will work through this.Barney shatters a framed photo. Back and forth.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. Michael then storms out of the house. Barney SLAPS Michael.
.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . She steps to him and does his tie. His frustration finally boils over. His eyes filled with tears.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. Kate is unsure what to do. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. STOP!! He finally stops. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. let me do it. WALK-IN CLOSET . FADE OUT: 189 INT. 123. Barney. STOP. There. SOLANGE Here. BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number. 191 INT. PLEASE.BARNEY'S APARTMENT . They say nothing. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. won't make eye contact. The elevator doors open revealing Solange. in his best suit. carrying two cups of coffee.BEDROOM . He looks up her. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. 190 INT. SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent.CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. is trying but unable to do his tie. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. been.
She walks out first. .GARDEN . 192 AND 192A 193 EXT. 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124. He takes one last look in the mirror. elegant and graceful as she ever was. Every bit as gorgeous. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her.DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. drinking a glass of sparkling water. Barney sits tight. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .
They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. can't we? No. BARNEY You look fantastic. Solange -.PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. but it's over. MIRIAM We can be friends now. I want you to be at peace with that.. But I do have crib notes. BARNEY We can't. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. MIRIAM You look great. Kate's numbers. They sit. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. but has to fight off tears instead. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier. We 125. all know where this is going. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. We had a beautiful marriage. She nods. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? .all the important stuff in case I get lost. She tries to laugh.. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me.
are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure. JEAN Bonjour. 194 195 OMITTED EXT.. Mmmm. LATER CU .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. LADIES BATHROOM .. which one he is supposed to use. 194 195 They grin with anticipation. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT. Heaven. Barney and Miriam each have one. BARNEY Thank you. Miriam slices through the moist. 197 196 He can't remember . RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN .A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. Miriam hands him his fork. She races over to Jean. Carries it past her lips and savors.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat.MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table.GARDEN . warm chocolate sponge. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . And they eat cake.DAY 126. 197 INT.RITZ CARLTON . She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery.
He's carried this on him all these years. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. but forgot his wallet on the table.she pulls it out. I got so scared. The paper old and cracked. Madame. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. 198 INT. the kids are gone.. Without thinking why . wondering why he said that. MIRIAM I thought I lost you. curl up in bed. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT .THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. BARNEY Look at you. watch a movie. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL .MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. takes her breath away. beat up WALLET. Jean hands her Barney's old. CONGRATULATIONS.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. Miriam cocks her head. * . BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. he paid the bill. 127. Barney is standing there. did you see Barney? JEAN No.. why don't we go home. you're practically shaking.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY Lost me? Hey.
as happy as he's ever been. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love. His friend. the kids. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. Barney Panofsky.? BARNEY Yeah. was the only suspect in the case.. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. MIRIAM Let's get you home. You're the one who dropped them off at school. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. Boogie's bones with snorkel. flippers and goggles. She falls into his embrace. MOUNT ORFORD .NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain.DAY ON TV . don't cry. 128. He pulls her close. 199 .. who went missing over thirty years ago.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". having realized he's forgotten they ever split up.
MICHAEL Okay. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over. that.COTTAGE . For years now.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. KITCHEN . Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. KATE (laughs) Oh. doesn't mean he didn't kill him. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him.BLUE 7-3-09 200 129. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 . PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange.
Kate drips honey into her tea. Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. just in case she checked the number. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. Daddy asked me to keep it going.CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. SUNROOM . . Michael and Kate sit. Michael looks out onto the lake. It's a picture perfect day.COTTAGE .BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. To make her feel good. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. While she signs the pages. They continue out to the -206 INT. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. Hands it to Michael. DEN . MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. 130. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria.CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever. but it's true. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth.
GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. Yeah. Beat. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. She's married to Blair. the original painting by my late friend. Hands it back. but it's not relevant anymore. done. Leo Fasoli. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". Okay. Miriam Grant Panofsky. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. MICHAEL I agree. She finishes signing the agreement. * . KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. MICHAEL There's one last thing. KATE Only until death do them part. I leave our city condo. 131. It's not fair to her.
MICHAEL Try it this way. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. KATE Stop it. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. lights it. Turns it back over again. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. even react to Michael's presence. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. KATE He's our father.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. COTTAGE . Clips and . oddly.DAY Michael 132. 208 EXT. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. He didn't do it. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. Michael turns the Banana over for him. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. Michael exits. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake.
.. It opens its hull and drops its water load . Michael takes his father's hand.. CEMETERY . Blades of thick. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. just don't tell Kate. holding it. but his thoughts. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL.. FADE TO: 209 EXT. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching.. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died. Tears in her eyes. much to his surprise. Watching this. I'm so sorry. 209 . dad. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around.. is watching the plane too. A perfect blue sky behind them.DAY Bright. the hull closes. His eyes light up with excitement. watching them.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here.. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. KATE Standing on the deck. smoke it just fine. green grass flutter. did you see that? He turns to Barney who. having gotten away from the young family previously. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL.. The plane descends toward the lake. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. it suddenly comes together for Michael. Oh my God. if any. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze. It pulls back up into the sky. Barney is able to 133. dad. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. Barney continues to puff on his cigar.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. are a mystery to all.
Maybe the most picturesque spot ever. 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down. she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips. 134.. MOVING WITH MIRIAM . 210 EXT.. A view of the entire city.GRAVE SITE .. the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 .2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE .as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers.GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave. CEMETERY . then starts back down the hill.DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery.beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END . Her eyes moist with tears.
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