This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. BARNEY The ringer was off. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. STREET .CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). KATE Daddy. Impotence is still on the table. BARNEY That's true. where were you? calling all morning. He finds his keys. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. Rushes out the door. KATE He thought it was indigestion. HALLWAY . BARNEY I've been 3. Putz. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. 8A INT. it's still a heart attack. carrying a bag and thermos.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? . BARNEY How bad? Minor. Barney's daughter. 8 * * * KATE Dad.
DRIVING . KATE You better. CAR . I'm fine. I'm stepping in DING. It was your call that woke her. KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY I'll call you back. elevator arrives. BARNEY So I saved his life.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. The 4. KATE My hero. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number.. Barney grins from ear to ear. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. On the elevator doors closing we. dad. . CUT TO: 9 INT. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at.. (beat) I'll call you later. He steps in. KATE Sure. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. the elevator. filled with glee at this news.
is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). making a "house call" to the local bar.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. BARNEY Love you too. 5. and sits in his producers chair. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. TV SOUNDSTAGE . KATE Love you. mid-50's and still handsome. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. 9A EXT."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". herself. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. the long running soap . The scene is painful for him watch. CUT TO: 10 INT. BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age. originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . Great. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. O'MALLEY.DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. The CONSTABLE. He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. SOLANGE.
BARNEY That's in a year. assistants. Yes I've seen today's paper. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. let that be the end of it.everyone still hot on his tail. Barney whisks through the aisles . story editors. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. Everyone talking over each other.YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. including MARK (40). EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. leading everyone into -11 INT. struggling to keep pace. 11 . Barney pushes through a door. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. MARK They're looking ahead. MARK Barney.
12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. MARK They're not asking. Someone young.CONTINUOUS 7. MARK They want to bring in a new face. She's been on the show since day one. BARNEY'S OFFICE . young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character. BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. No one under fifty watches the show. BARNEY No. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. Maybe give Solange a sexy. this is our last season. Barney heads into -12 INT. I'll give her your job before that happens. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . No way. If we don't do it.
whoa. SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. a real shark. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. They love me over there. Solange. instantly softens. Her tone . This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. MARK Barney. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. and he says-MARK Whoa. Sexy as hell. Tell me honestly. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. how do I look? Beat. Barney tosses the folder aside. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention.
DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. around 60. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. Jill directs Barney down the bar. 14 13 .DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. 14 INT.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. slides off his barstool. puts her game face on and storms out. Not wanting to get into it. slamming the door behind her for effect. 9. BARNEY'S CAR .GRUMPY'S BAR. Solange takes the cue. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. JILL He's had more than a few already. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar. blotchy salmon red complexion.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT.DRIVING . GRUMPY'S BAR . JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. Barney busies himself with moving around papers. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. She stops just before exiting. then takes a deep breath. With a glance. Grossly overweight. Barney ignores him.
like you might say.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. Barney opens the book . .prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. All the best. POUNDS it shut with his fist. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. Detective Sean O'Hearne". none of this would have been possible without you. Barney looks at O'Hearne. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. O'HEARNE Chainsaw. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. If you won't tell me now. 10. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. Marvelling at his idiocy. Look at you . You'd never have the guts to cut him up. I carved him up with a chainsaw.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. you're bound to go first. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. my ass. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine. be a "mensch". Lawrence river. I even signed it. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. share in the moment. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. dumped the parts in the St. He's very drunk. I thought I'd buy you a drink. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day.
ROME . O'Hearne is right up in his face. O'Hearne marches out. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint.NIGHT . (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about. FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT. three fawning girls with him.TRASTAVERE. Panofsky. 11. JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. Lively conversations overlap. extremely handsome. actor. RESTAURANT . and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON. Barney's Algonquin Round Table. as we move around a crowded table. INSERT . sweetie. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book. BARNEY Your breath stinks. INTENSE stare. African American. Italian bearded artist. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner.PAST TITLE: ROME. 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . ex-pats and plenty of girls. Copious amounts of food and drink.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. He slides the book back over to him. Locals. . LEO FASOLI.
. CEDRIC I'm an actor. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. LEO To Cedric. BOOGIE.. Everyone toasts. I am now posse member number 4. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula".. Who do I look like. as you have in thought"."Roberto. Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess. Barney's best and most cherished friend. So I tell him . COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. Tall and lean.PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC . Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him.
the Countess. LEO Where did you meet her? . whispers something in his ear. star. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. kisses him deeply. then walks off to the bathroom. A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. The Countess then slides up to Boogie.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. no less. MARIA You look like a movie 12A. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah.
CEDRIC Barney . But enough about that. Everyone toasts."not so good". Leo. skinny. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well. BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. my High Priest. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. I want to hear about all of you.S. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates . BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O.our very own patron of the arts. Three months pregnant. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). tall. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. LEO The show was a bust.) To me. pale and beautiful. that would be great. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. 13. and slightly showing at her belly. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. I'm getting married.to Barney.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. . If you could find out AND get her name. gypsy shawl and skirt. actually. I only sold one piece .
. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . She instantly To 14. She gets on his lap. baby. He starts to soften. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. You're not one of us. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. the whole gang pours out into the street. switches gears to soft and loving.BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. Hymie back in Montreal. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick.. Barney and Boogie lead the way. ROME STREET . the party around them continues on. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. 16 EXT.. curling herself around him like a cat. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. Barney scowls at Clara. sharing a flask. It's fucking humiliating. CLARA I'm sorry. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. You're still my yummy yid.
not a wife. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow. Oh. CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. I'm exhausted. come on. I'm seeing. you're not. CLARA Oh no. BOOGIE He's coming with me. C'mon. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. LEO Yeah. who is quite smitten with him. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. yeah. and I'm fucking pregnant too. 15. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. . Barney. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. Oh. BOOGIE If you say so.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. She's a conversation piece.
PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street. . 15A.
We only go around once. Opium.everything under and behind the sun. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. Barney. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. on and off the table. They toast and drink. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. Absolutely brilliant. 17 INT. But you can read it so far. BARNEY Boogie. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. 17 A bottle of Scotch. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. . a pack of rolling papers. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink. Hash .LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16. a small ball of TINFOIL. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. this is brilliant.HOTEL CISTERNA . Horse. two packs of Gauloises. BOOGIE'S ROOM . Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside. BOOGIE We have to do it all.
it's not finished yet. Barney looks at him dumfounded. After an ungodly amount of drilling. BARNEY Let me guess . BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. Pious and pristine . without warning or reason. her elasticity is restored. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. Then one day. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. .Vanessa is the editor's wife. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. As reward. And anyway. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. INSERT .BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being. and now a shell of the hole she used to be.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17.
Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen.DAY Wedding day. Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo.Bernardo Moscovitz. Leonardo Fasoli. Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED).CAMPIDOGLIO . Cedric. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying. 18. Clara is seven months pregnant. ahead of the others. helps her up the stairs.CAMPIDOGLIO . 19 INT. CUT TO: 18 EXT. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe.DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. prego . MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . we're already late. STAIRS . BARNEY (beat) C'mon. no one will think anything less of you.YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was. you don't have to go through with this. Boogie. prego. wearing a black veil. BARNEY Jesus. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. Boogie. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent. stop dicking around and finish your book already. .
Dumfounded silence. They're locked in our attic. . firmi qui. CLARA Only two . BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. Clara says nothing. BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. firmi qui. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19. CLARA (CONT'D) There. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy.Yosel and Chaim. Barney signs. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. is chiama Clara Chambers. I ran away on the honeymoon.PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back.
YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT. CUT TO: 21 INT. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. trembling with white knuckle fear. I figured they should know. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . clutching her black wedding veil. .DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. (beat) You still love your crazy Clara. a child terrified of the thunder. She may be crazy. don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END.NIGHT 20. sketches and paintings. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. CLARA I'm sorry. but she has her odd charms.
Barney is speechless. BARNEY I'm the father. 21. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father .I will speak in English. then to his charts.HOSPITAL .DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino. (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse. Clara strokes his arm. lights up a cigarette. look her in the eye. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . than back at Barney. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . in Italian) I need to find my wife . CLARA Oh Barney. (MORE) . CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. Or maybe Charnofsky. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. Or Chambers. a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk.mi dispiace .for our records. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. 22 INT. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside.Clara Panofsky. 23 INT.
CLARA Okay. chumps. BARNEY Clara. Barney waits.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. he walks off. it's disgusting to look at. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. I'm ready to talk now. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric. CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door. incredulous grunt. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 . The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. Surprise. 24 INT.DAY 22. 24A EXT. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . C'mon. BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. BOOGIE Easy.HOSPITAL . I never knew you had such a practical streak in you.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. 25 INT. pours her a glass of water. Barney looks at Boogie . man. 24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber. He just lost a son. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT ."what the fuck?". HALLWAY .
BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow.HOTEL CISTERNA . You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney.CONTINUOUS 23. CLARA Come now. 27 . I did you a great favor. He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. Barney! Let's start over! Please. your insight is dazzling. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. the color's come back into your cheeks. BOOGIE'S ROOM . STAIRWELL .someone who shops. CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. CLARA Oh look.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food. Now you can finally go back home. Barney walks out and never looks back. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. 26 INT. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production.
. that. I really do miss you. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. 28 INT. feels for a pulse. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V. Please come for dinner tonight at eight.. The candles completely burned away... well up with tears. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust. Nothing. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. Yours. BEDROOM . I'll even make latkes.O. empty wine bottles. I think it came a few days ago. KITCHEN . throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. I forgot. Clara.DAY Barney runs up the stairs.. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him.) Dear Barney. Shit. Barney drops to her.CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed.VILLA DELLA FONTE .. I need you. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry.DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two.PINK 7-27-09 24. 30 INT. 29 INT. 32 31 30 29 28 . snoozing on the sofa. to a hung over Barney. 31 INT. the abstract painting of Leo's. I think it's important we talk. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. ashtrays. STAIRWELL . Barney reaches for the lighter. I'm sorry. Sorry.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove.
CHARNOFSKY (50). May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze.BLUE 6-25-09 25. He opens the door. Your machuten. I'm Clara's father. An Orthodox Jew. stands there. Hands clasped behind his back. black hat. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. Clara's Paintings". Barney steps to the side. Clara made it. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. Rising unsteadily. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. BARNEY We lost him. drawn to look like Satan. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. (MORE) . CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. Charnofsky wanders in. (beat) She said her parents were dead. Clara's Sketches. studying the apartment. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney.
People think highly of her work. Pours himself another. leave it outside the door. It's not a princely living. 33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. It all started when she was twelve. Charnofsky finishes his drink. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. ink drawings. She would refuse to eat. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. He's a professor of literature at NYU. I'm sure. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. She was a danger to everyone. KITCHEN . You should have a publisher look at them. you said? Filth about me and her mother. He used to encourage her. Ship them to my nephew.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. (MORE) . Tearing her hair out in clumps. Poems. "I'm not Jewish".BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. diaries. My wife wanted to die. My wife would bring her food. That's when I started locking her in the attic. but they provide us with an apartment. CUT TO: 33 INT. then she would vomit all over me on purpose.
CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. BARNEY She was obviously sick. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek .you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway. 34 INT. It was a horror. 34 . We did everything we could. 27. Kupner. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic. You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. went to Harvard. but only God determines the outcome. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. BARNEY I think you should leave. the best in town. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him.
in his Brooklyn loft. Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. MICHAEL Hi dad. oysvorf.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. MICHAEL'S LOFT . He pauses for a moment. He grabs the phone and dials. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her. Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. Turns the burner off. It's ready. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard.? MICHAEL What? . Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26). Barney's son.. yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer.DAY . 28. 36 INT. BARNEY Michael.KITCHEN . mamzer.BROOKLYN . looking at the strainer quizzically.. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. BARNEY Get out NOW.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
insurance policy. I'll give you the target's annual income. 40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT. now seated. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here. Not the numbers on his tax returns . nowhere else. IRV (V.DAY .DAY .the real numbers.DAY . Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2. 44 . fat cat.COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . He's getting the hang of this. 43 INT.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. BARNEY It could happen here. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. 32. Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. 41 INT.FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1. CUT TO: 44 INT. Barney looks a little green around the collar. A silver-haired. Israel is our insurance policy. you tell him.O. insurance policy. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society. You sit here.FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3. IRV This is my table. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . It could happen here. IRV'S CONDO .NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen.
voluptuous. Irv escorts Barney away. we get that. The ultimate . Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. Sit. she has a master's from McGill. IRV Listen. P You must be Barney. I don't need to be set up. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. IRV Gentlemen. They're hitting it off. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. I got a girl I want you to meet. SECOND MRS. Irv's told me all about you. but it could happen here. 'JAP'. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. SECOND MRS. P (30). Cute.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. producing. and she's a real looker. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. BARNEY Irv. Now listen. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. it's all the same dance. boychick? Fundraising. stylishly dressed. TARGET 1 Absolutely. but tell Marv about the TV deal. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again.
dad. FORMAL DINING ROOM . remember. Don't worry. Polish housekeeper. 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS . 34. P'S PARENTS MANSION .. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. BARNEY So. watch the language and mind the manners. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift. .NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). 46 INT.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. walk up the steep steps. They reach the door. ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. stares at them coldly. P Mr. having been a detective and all. his father. Panofsky. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. that's the housekeeper. IZZY I got it. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. fine china. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. IZZY Swanky. Her grating qualities aside.. kid. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card.LATER Classical music. SECOND MRS. A short. 45 EXT. THE SECOND MRS. Maybe Irv's right.
IZZY Look. gorgeous. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. throw the fourth across the hood. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. So I toss three in the back. when a feller is young and you give him authority. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers .you figure it out". And I was just a beat cop. he likes to push (MORE) 35. I ain't gonna work for free. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. call me Izzy. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. then haul 'em all in. that's so dangerous. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. and I'm trying to play it by the book.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please. Big score for a rookie. . BARNEY He means unnecessarily.
And most of the time I was.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. 35A. .
Under the table Mrs.. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . Everyone continues eating.MONTREAL AIRPORT . P squeezes Barney high up his leg. . Barney and The Second Mrs. Cutlery tinkling. Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up. Izzy. IZZY I call it like I see it. So get to shtupping and multiply already. CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. Let's make a toast. It's been two months since I last heard from you. CAR .DRIVING . The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs. P.what a sweet little casserole you are. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat.GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great.. Barney flinches. he hasn't slept for days. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. You never know what tomorrow brings. P raises their glasses. But you're the one with the mansion on the hill.
48 INT. BOOGIE. LEO and even CEDRIC. BOOGIE Listen. * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests.still hoping this is just a nightmare.NIGHT 37. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. and her PARENTS . 49 INT. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. CEREMONY HALL . have I got stories for you. BARNEY That. Anyway. wiping tears of joy. ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. man.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . and his ushers: IRV.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . you haven't even met her yet. I have no doubt of.no questions asked.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. all with the same haircut. BARNEY C'mon. . BARNEY Fuck me. A huge affair. RECEPTION HALL . THE SECOND MRS. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride. P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs.
He joins Barney. PLATES LAND at various tables. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night.NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game. . wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. RECEPTION HALL . Barney downs another shot. Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game. 51 INT. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. P.GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms. BARNEY What's the score? One . then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. 52 INT.The Second Mrs. P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -. RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored. CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod.NIGHT 38.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. RECEPTION HALL .zip. Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Shit.
Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. The Second Mrs. Then more shots. shots. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. * * They all do a round of shots.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. .
GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. loves every minute of it. The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes. . Irv. knowing Izzy.
I'll be right back. disperses. except for Irv. 53 INT. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. But then. 39. Anyway. BARNEY Dad. 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. As Barney escorts Izzy away. they provide a valuable service . the ENTIRE TABLE. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight.I never bust the girls.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon. What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here. love him more. RECEPTION HALL . Panosfky. Barney gives his father a big hug. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit .. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time. what's in your pocket? . there are ladies present. maybe you should tone it down a little.but we do it for appearances. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move. IZZY What.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug ..he comes at me with a chair.
IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh. don't embarrass me. Barney is mesmerized. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink.) . striking eyes. Gets his father in law in his sights. 40. From inside his jacket.MIRIAM GRANT (28). Barney stomps off. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper..S. BARNEY Thank you. Slide out their glasses for refills. forget it.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. no. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. classy. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. Just as he is about to reach him. Gorgeous. BARNEY I don't know what to say.. but then cuts right back -(O. pushing through the crowd. I want you to have it. Barney turns away. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. They walk to the bar. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney.
not to mention really drunk. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager. 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. I'm Miriam.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. BARNEY That's the name of my company. Barney walks right up to her. She laughs. Father-In-Law is speechless. BARNEY Perfect. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. BARNEY We haven't met yet. 54 INT. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine.NIGHT 41. He's my father and he'll have your respect. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. I'm Barney. (CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television. That's something he can never tire of. Miriam . RECEPTION HALL . MIRIAM Thank you for having me.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .
that's okay. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. She grabs a box of matches from the table. I wouldn't want it to bother you. MIRIAM Nice touch. * * * MIRIAM Who's winning? . the Count of said name. Entertainment to make the day pass better. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. The cigar houses employ "lectors" .readers. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. The entire moment incredibly intimate. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. It's a Montecristo. As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. MIRIAM Please. the workers favorite story was. BARNEY YES. 42.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. you guessed it. BARNEY Oh. BARNEY Lectors. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. BARNEY The hockey game.
He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS.S.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .) . He stands. P directly behind him. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. and with perfect manners. works in radio now. MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that.NIGHT 55 (O. rises and extends her hand. * MIRIAM No. P Barney? The Second Mrs. 55 INT.why? SECOND MRS. She's such a snob that one. MIRIAM Congratulations again. LATER RECEPTION HALL .no . don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . P She went to McGill with me. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back.sure . P I see you met Miriam.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. hockey? You follow 43. I have a train to catch later. Anyway. but I do read newspapers. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS.
I almost forgot. for the first time in my life I am truly. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. 44. Boogie. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. SECOND MRS. wiping his sniffling." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. The Second Mrs. BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. MIRIAM. P appears behind him. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. seriously. So am I. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. CONGRATULATIONS. It's raining. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. INSERT . Smart as a whip too. irretrievably in love. Cars are honking. draping her arms around his neck. he's drunk and looks miserable. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * . Boogie sits beside him. They knock glasses. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. P Oh Barney. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. BARNEY Thanks for being here. 56 EXT. His tie loose around his neck. so am I. coked-up nose.
GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT. soaking wet. 58 . Thinking fast on his feet. BARNEY I like you with glasses. or stay with me. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. She takes them off. looking for Miriam. 58 INT. engrossed in a novel. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good.NIGHT 45. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . passing from car to car. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. sprints down the stairs into the station. where a porter is checking passengers tickets. Shuts her book . He drops into the seat next to her. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM. She's wearing her reading glasses... whom he finally spots. bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. She's stunned.S.on your WEDDING NIGHT.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met .Herzog by Saul Bellow. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train. Barney grins from ear to ear. 57A* * Barney. TRAIN . Barney takes a moment just to watch her.
He stands . on my death bed. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform. just like that. That smile is enough to melt his heart. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. Among other things. sits at the window. MIRIAM Go home.D.) 46. Beat. Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. at a funeral. It really does. but won't look at him.. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. Barney gets off the train. tickets. Every word he says . CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train. Barney finally concedes.D. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him. (O.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed.the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. or a ticket. It's happened. Barney.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens.S.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. 59 INT. TRAIN PLATFORM . BARNEY I don't have I. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. watching him still chasing after her. . CONDUCTOR I.
Oops. P runs out and wraps herself around him. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. 47. * CUT TO: 61 EXT.GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. The Second Mrs. THE SECOND MRS. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. P'S PARENTS MANSION . P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. Everyone falls silent. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No.DAY 61 On their honeymoon.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . the hospitals. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . Barney and The Second Mrs. SECOND MRS. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. . P Oh my God.ROME . The Second Mrs. I was so ferklempt Dr.he's a mess. Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. Barney steps inside. bloody knee and palms. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. I could have told you what it was for. SECOND MRS. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome. 60 * Ripped pants.
. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE. tell Daddy I love him.. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother. sure.HOTEL . Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. Arlene will die on the spot. DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Ma. P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment.ROME .. Of course I will.DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs. Okay. you should see the bathrobes we've got here.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it.H.ROME . they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y. P (into phone) --Ma..... SECOND MRS. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?.A. . I'll talk to you tomorrow.. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays. P (into phone) --It's from Dior. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife.M. and the soaps are to die for. Okay... I'm just saying.. HONEYMOON SUITE ... HONEYMOON SUITE .HOTEL . P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother. SECOND MRS. CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT.. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you. slightly. SECOND MRS. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie. That perks him up 48.DAY 64 The Second Mrs.
P He just pretends for BARNEY . the one in the blue dress. we do have a big family. P Good? SECOND MRS. BARNEY Jeff seems gay.. Jeff is gay. the family. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. My cousin Jeff brought her. Beat.. I didn't even invite her. BARNEY Who was she again? 49. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. P Well. I think she was from New York. SECOND MRS. Oh good. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. P Miriam Grant. SECOND MRS. Right.YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. BARNEY You certainly do. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. SECOND MRS. She gets onto the bed beside him. SECOND MRS. And what about that girl. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. SECOND MRS.
DAY . 50. I took a cab. Nap? SECOND MRS. She dives back under and starts in again.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. I just got here.DAY . Barney squeezes through the crowd. SECOND MRS.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. 66 INT. 66 65 . Hurrying down the street. I'm late. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. gracing its cover. SECOND MRS. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. P With soap? BARNEY Yes. a highly invasive procedure. MONTREAL STREET . SECOND MRS. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan.but then POPS back up. KATE That's okay. P Okay.BOOKSTORE . BARNEY Sorry. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. The Second Mrs. COFFEE SHOP . P I don't think so. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. (to Kate) Continue. No crazies today. you opt for something infinitely worse. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. haven't I? 51.is not going to happen. (to cashier) Two double espressos. (to Barney) You do something awful.perplexed. The man still can't fly out of the country. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. KATE Dad. Before that. BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. flaxseed . but instead of trying to make up for it. BARNEY By what? KATE By you. . KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth .this . you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. BARNEY I've upset Claire.
BARNEY He stole her from me. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually. it's time to lay off Blair. BARNEY They're married.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. You got divorced. 67 EXT. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. 67 .CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. he's a nasty piece of work. They get their coffees and walk to the door. They're happily married. KATE My point is. 52. KATE No he didn't. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. I'm sorry. Stick to the facts. BARNEY Funny. STREET . BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. but it's time to let it go. I have a date. She got remarried. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement.
DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. We'll see. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love.COUNTRY ROAD .YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice. Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there. A RUSTLING comes from the woods.DAY Barney drives out of the city. Macallan's.DRIVING . I definitely need a weekend in the country. BARNEY Right.COTTAGE . BARNEY'S CAR . 53. Barney stops walking. A Montecristo.DRIVING . KATE (CONT'D) Confused. 69 EXT. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE". 67A INT/EXT. Probably a squirrel. 69 .MONTREAL BRIDGE . (laughing it off) Well. BARNEY'S CAR . DECK . I like him. behind him. What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab. 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. 68 Looks around.NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. I think that's a sign of maturity.
TV SOUNDSTAGE . nurse. turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. Hoping. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. From a distance. CUT! DIRECTOR (O.PINK 7-27-09 54. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. Waiting for something to appear. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. O'MALLEY Thank you. leans on the wood railing. Constable. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you. We now see why she was originally hired. Wearing a tight.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. Something RUSTLES again. .S. low cut outfit. this time a little closer.) Great. their business. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. trying to see through the darkness. Barney stands. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. Look at her.DAY . she's a total knockout.
INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word. MIRIAM Barney. and the gifts every week it's something else. I'm sorry. 71 INT. Why don't we talk about it over lunch.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney. OFFICE . Actions They have consequences. BARNEY I know. Really? matter. MIRIAM Well. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. words matter. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is.OFFICE .SOUNDSTAGE . NEW YORK RADIO STATION . A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. this has to stop. (MORE) 55.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. there's a call for you. 71 72 .
(curt) I have to go. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead. rearranging knick-knacks.. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. Ma. as you have in thought".BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously.. Do Barney smiles. then act accordingly.. yes. P flutters about.. exactly. Thank you. No. what did I say wrong?. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. With the phone tucked to her ear.. The Second Mrs. 56.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood.. P who decorated it.. feeling like progress is being made.MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing. P'S HOUSE .. you understand me. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. 73 EXT. 74 INT.. Barney? BARNEY Yes. SECOND MRS. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated. I'm watching my figure. P'S HOUSE . MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs.. .. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS.
SECOND MRS.. To the king of Macedonia. SECOND MRS.. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. KITCHEN . I have to go. 75 SECOND MRS. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth. I had to fire the maid. Ma.. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going... She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall.YELLOW 8-7-09 57. No. Okay. I will.tuning her out completely.. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place. Barney continues reading .you were at the game last night. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs. ma.. who do you think?... Listen. SECOND MRS. I'll pick you up at noon... P Tell me something ... She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT. THIS IS IMPORTANT!! . BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house. P BARNEY.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. I know it's disgusting. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out. Looks at Clara's drawing again. We just changed all the carpets. I wasn't talking to you.. SECOND MRS.. deciding on something to hang. She hangs up. It makes her gag. Goodbye.. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. SECOND MRS. you asked!.
Boogie emerges from the building. This is what marriage is. FLEABAG HOTEL . His appearance is shocking to Barney. See you in a 58. Talking. couple days. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. 76 EXT. Boogie gets in the car. * * .* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick. I was on a fifteen hour flight. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. I had to fix one more time. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. BARNEY Just get in. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. BOOGIE C'mon. stumbles toward Barney's car. P THIS. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. high. In bad shape. Communicating.
it's called rehab.COTTAGE .NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. drinking wine. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . SECOND MRS. GUEST BEDROOM . P is on the porch. 79 INT. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed.COUNTRY HOUSE . BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. THE SECOND MRS. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone.DAY 59. Barney helps Boogie up the steps. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. BARNEY Surprise.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. P I thought I'd surprise you. potatoes. A roast. greens. COTTAGE . and he needed somewhere safe to kick. 80 He's out cold. P Yeah. . 80 79 INT. 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat. SECOND MRS.
She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. SECOND MRS. no hesitation. P Stop. Barney. P You don't know the half of it. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. 81 EXT.COUNTRY HOUSE . I called the florist. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this. Barney storms out to the DECK. P Well played. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. 81 He won't look her in the eye. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. P Be a man. DECK . . This is ridiculous. SECOND MRS. 60. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. While usually discreet about their clients.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. Look what I found while going through your pockets.CONTINUOUS She follows him out. SECOND MRS. Barney stares out at the lake. SECOND MRS. BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. BARNEY Jesus Christ.
Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. It hurts her like hell. 82 EXT. so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. . but she's not going to cry in front of him. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed. Call you later . P No. 82A 83 OMITTED INT. You say you've never been unfaithful. COTTAGE .COTTAGE . And you are such a liar. SECOND MRS. P Shmuck.MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes. is a true country paradise. I don't understand what you want anymore. SECOND MRS. 83A EXT. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS.Barney". (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her. The calm of the lake. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day. KITCHEN . GRUMPY'S . I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada. Fuck you.DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. It was the happiest moment of my life.DAWN 61. The Second Mrs. Now it's been months since we made love. She goes back inside.
IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. (MORE) . What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. I know how hard marriage can be.YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT.DAY 62. GRUMPY'S BAR . BARNEY I have to get a divorce. Beat. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. Barney drops down across from him. IZZY Jesus Christ. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. 84 Two Scotches on the table. listen. IZZY Boychick.
You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah. 63.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. Beat. BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. Many successful marriages were built on far less. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. If you divorce her. Let's take a good. ain't life grand. flaky kugel and has a great rack. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. IZZY She's a tough cookie. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. and then real life starts. hard look at the situation. makes a nice. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. .
COUNTRY ROAD . Barney drives up to the cottage.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. BARNEY'S HOUSE .MORNING Still hungover.MORNING Barney enters the house. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM. let's do this.S. Walks down the hall.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch. 87 INT.. BARNEY Miriam. 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow. 86 INT/EXT. IZZY Alright then. but then just hangs up. chugging coffee. P (O. 87 86 . Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom. He opens the door to find. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. Scotch. COTTAGE . 64.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No. SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name. He considers responding. SECOND MRS. P (O. BARNEY'S CAR . 85 INT.. IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely.DRIVING . Cigar.S.
The Second Mrs. moaning. . naked. Barney is frozen with shock. 90 INT. he smiles. I still don't know how he got my nightie off. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS. BARNEY My wife and my best friend. BEDROOM . Kicking and screaming. P This is all your fault.. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process. HALL . Things are looking up for him. SECOND MRS.. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in.COTTAGE .COTTAGE . he was trembling.COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. 88 The Second Mrs.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie.COTTAGE . 89 INT. GUEST BEDROOM . P storms out of the guest room past Barney. Once it does.CONTINUOUS 65. she throws on whatever clothes she can find. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD.. BARNEY It must have been magic. you bastard.. then. his sheets were soaked. P I brought him something to eat. HALL . P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs.CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears.. P. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room.. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding. SECOND MRS.BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT.
CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. P I'm going to my mother's.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. Barney right behind her. P Bullshit. HALL . P You tell her yourself! No. starts the engine. 92 INT. rolls down the window.COTTAGE . and just for kicks. He's already very drunk. 92 93 SECOND MRS. 94 . P Animal! She drives away. COTTAGE . then I'll come for you. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. 66. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. 94 INT. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake. 93 EXT. She gets in her car.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. don't she has a root canal today. BARNEY I should kill you for this. SECOND MRS.COTTAGE . He follows. DEN .
GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first. but look here. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. 67. started talking you know how that goes . BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up. who reticently takes it. que sera sera.. waves it around. Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. It was innocent enough to start with .. * * * * * * * . Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney. He takes it out.you planned this all along. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me.S.she brought me something to eat..tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. BARNEY Check the dining room.. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy.) I don't see any Scotch. Boogie pours Barney a glass. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. BOOGIE You sly bastard . I'm going to need you to do something for me.
BARNEY Neither was I. Scotch in the kitchen. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection. I borrowed for you.COTTAGE . DEN . BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. actually. He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers . 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers. Listen.she wasn't too bad a poet. You owe me. sketch that's leaning against the wall. shmuck.LATER There's more 68. 95 INT. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. More Scotch poured. . They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. Hey. BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing.
I put the right books in your hands. 96 . You know what. 69. BOOGIE I'm still working on it.COTTAGE . Boogie pushes through the screen door. you have. You must have a snorkel and flippers here. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. the gun still in his sweater pocket. BARNEY You're a fraud. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. Barney follows him out. and look what you've become. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. SUNROOM .CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. A TV hustler. BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. 96 EXT.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. man? I brought you in. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. I educated you. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta. BOOGIE Oh. MASK AND FLIPPERS. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over.
you prick. BARNEY FUCK YOU. I will! . waddles onto the dock. that's his fucking job". bottle again. I am not your pet project. Absolutely nothing happened to me. BARNEY Don't count on it. BARNEY Boogie. Not your hope. Boogie slips on the flippers. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. COTTAGE . But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. I'll shoot.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. winded and woozy. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. Not your vicarious life. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. "The Life of Heinrich Heine". 70. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. They break apart. and that's what you take as a personal offense.CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock.
PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air. BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A. .
DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. tilts his head back. Barney drunkenly staggers forward. Barney turns and heads back up into the house. DECK . see Boogie resurface. dampened cavity you think is a heart. BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 . pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -.COTTAGE . DEN .DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN . LATER The bottle now empty. woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. We can't be sure. but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction. 100 INT. Barney's passed out on the sofa.COTTAGE . snaps on the goggles and the snorkel. C'mon. starting from a distance and approaching fast. spreads his arms wide.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. Boogie grins.COTTAGE .COTTAGE . Barney stares him down. BARNEY Don't you fucking move. A silent rage boiling inside.MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in... flying over a distant hillside. still half drunk. Barney hits the bottle hard . 98 INT.one shot after another.Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake. It appears the gun fired into the air. do it! 71. 101 EXT. 100 DEN . 99 INT.the gun FIRES -.
DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE.YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far. younger. There's a big fire a few miles east. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. . DOCK .COTTAGE . O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water. O'HEARNE (O. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT. healthier than we know him to be. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT. O'Hearne saunters through the house. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer. KITCHEN . Barney watches all this from the dock. sipping the beer. steps up along side Barney.S.) Busy day. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat.COTTAGE . He's broken into a cottage. slimmer. A POLICE BOAT out there too.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house.
in a plastic evidence bag. No shit. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. I 73. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. to me for protection. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE Yeah. you did. BARNEY My first wife made that. I guess.
Miriam Grant. then lays one into Barney's face. O'HEARNE After.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin.. sending him to the floor. right through his fucking heart. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that.the florist gave us her name . O'HEARNE So you did shoot him. Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. BARNEY Yes. BARNEY Yeah. O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. .. 74.
Unless you ate him. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. we'll find the body before sundown. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. O'Hearne exits. Now you got anything else to say. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. IZZY You leave your hands off him. You threatened to kill them both. BARNEY Go to hell. talk to his lawyer. Barney lifts himself to one knee. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. when. then again. you don't have a body.. O'HEARNE Very sweet. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. 75. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once.. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. and now he's missing. . but he attacked an officer of the law. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder.
We've searched the area for three weeks. IZZY Alright. alright. Let me get you 76. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. some ice. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. grabs the envelope. RECEPTIONIST Barney. He rushes to the nearest phone. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. TV SOUNDSTAGE . and signs the marked pages. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. No body has been found yet. Our hands are tied. Panofsky. dials. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT.
Miriam. Just once.RADIO STATION . 107 . BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. OFFICE . MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. Beat. Miriam chuckles. BARNEY Please.NEW YORK . MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. The phone rings. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. I'm divorced. CUT TO: 107 INT. that's it.YELLOW 8-7-09 77. well. How about dinner? MIRIAM No. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam.
He starts pacing. 112 INT.NEW YORK . Long beat. This is idiotic. A sunny morning in the big apple..MORNING Two pair of shoes. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty... at himself in the mirror.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. 78..DAY Barney splashes his face with water.MORNING Flying over Manhattan. BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon." Barney drops his pen. Pours them over ice..and again . drunk. 110 He does the same again . Waiting. great..and again. 111 INT.. Then dials the concierge. Alphonse Daudet. The clock reads: 10:03 AM. HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT.. CU . 109 108 HOTEL . BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . pats himself dry. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter.. Herzog. 110 INT.. 109 EXT. HOTEL RESTAURANT .. well chilled. NEW YORK CITY .MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters.NEW YORK CITY . BATHROOM . make that two bottles and two dozen roses.DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd.HOTEL RESTAURANT . four ties laid on the bed. Barney's seated at a table. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. Takes a deep breath. three suits.. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite. Looks 112 111 .He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR. clammy. Waiting. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men.
BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. take your time. And some Beluga. and no. startling her. 113 Being led to their table. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. She's a heart stopping vision.TABLE . (to waiter) Just the Champagne.DAY From the bathroom. don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. BARNEY Great. (MORE) . (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. Sweaty. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. BARNEY Of course. MIRIAM Hi. 114 INT. Champagne? This is an occasion. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. nervous as hell. HOTEL RESTAURANT .. pale. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79.DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam.. the Russian is too salty. Barney doesn't look so good. BARNEY HI. The Iranian stuff. we should have champagne. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. HOTEL RESTAURANT . MIRIAM Yes.
BARNEY Wonderful. 115 INT. are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. we're finally here together. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM.. Miriam 115 . There's so much I want to talk about. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can.. you. BARNEY Of course I did.. 80.... me. Oh. Perspiration forming on his brow. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney. I know . I want to be clear on something.have you read.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here. pulls the bathroom door shut. now we can celebrate... MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great. uh. Barney opens his collar. Barney's panicking. what's it called..DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. desperately trying to hold it together.. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account. MIRIAM You hardly know me. The waiter arrives with the Champagne.. MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . hold on..
DAY 116 . BARNEY I'm an idiot. CUT TO: 116 INT. there's a KNOCKING at the front door. BARNEY Never. Beat.S. her legs crossed. reading the New York Times. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet . VOICE (O. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". by the way. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. MIRIAM Don't be so modest. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE .BLUE 6-25-09 Then.nice reference. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. 81. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself.) Room service. Barney stirs awake.
. we'll get some fresh air. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged.. 118 EXT. Off Barney's delight -117 EXT.CENTRAL PARK . MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up. He covers his face and begins to MOAN. And then he finally just runs out of steam. She pries his hands from his face. Barney rambles on. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen.NIGHT They walk along the East River. Ever. credited to John Fitzgerald . He hardly even breathes between words.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. The pause. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. EAST RIVER . Beat. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time . Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. MIRIAM There it was.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God. 82. BARNEY Yeah. I don't want it to happen. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term. Their body language now 118 117 . STREET .DUSK They stroll along the park. I'm absolutely starving.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause. and maybe a slice of pizza. He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. MIRIAM I'm still here. more intimate. or a break.
BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. He knows he needs to come up with something good. Mind and body. and life is real. That's what gave her cancer.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. And that will never happen to me. 83. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. I'll do anything for you. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. It's made up of little things . BARNEY Anything. MIRIAM See. (beat) It killed my mother. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. It devastated every part of her. . BARNEY That's a bit unfair. Miriam. After all you've done to pursue me. Right away. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. He SNAPS it shut for effect. that's what scares me about you. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. it's not. MIRIAM No. He was my hero. Barney thinks hard.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. Heart and soul. Don't answer 'anything'. BARNEY I would never do that to you. That's not real. and that has to be enough.
staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. slow dancing.DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. tears already streaming down his face. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend. Barney can't wait another second. It's a beautiful night. drinking. DOCK . Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT. you're not going to do that.NIGHT The party is winding down. on the porch. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. Guests are still up at the house. We're going to be needing it. Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy. COTTAGE . NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do.COTTAGE . Only closest friends and family are in attendance. . 84.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. She wraps her arms around him from behind. Barney is out on the dock alone. She kisses him.
.YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT. (Where Barney still lives). BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DAY (1982) 84A. 121 Barney and Miriam's apartment.
DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. He runs and leaps onto the bed. 122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. who is only a few months old. BEDROOM . Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look.YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. BABY'S ROOM . BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap.DAY 85.KITCHEN . BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it.DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. MIRIAM Oh. BARNEY Really? 123 INT. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Then it won't make you cry. put it in the freezer. Barney. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 . His eyes filled with tears.
Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam. kid. The sky a perfect orange hue. their feet up.YELLOW 8-7-09 86. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. his children. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. smoking cigars. takes a deep breath. holding onto this moment of perfection. COTTAGE . and his gorgeous wife. The sun is setting. What? IZZY You did good. COTTAGE . 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. typical Izzy-ism. leaving it at that. DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. . He opens his eyes. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. drinking Scotch. He closes his eyes.LAKE .
) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . Harmless. working up a big sweat.it . BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it. Soft. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. angrier. . 87. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in. Beat. The engine won't turn.thanks .MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No. He takes a breather. Don't worry. BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. dad. 129 EXT.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. BLAIR (O.just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor. COTTAGE . Michael stares blankly at him. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No .DOCK . He tries again.harder. and again.BLAIR (52).S. Again . Tree hugger. Birkenstocks.
COTTAGE . Really? At WZAJ. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it. . BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. 130 INT.KITCHEN . BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. I just moved from New York. tying his and Barney's boat up. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. but thank you. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. 88. BARNEY What do you do.
) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener. CU . MIRIAM That was nice of him. 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock. and I should paddle back before it gets dark. BARNEY Fire it up.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose. It was lovely to meet the both of you.BARNEY CRYING 132 .DECK . BARNEY (calling out) Michael. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . I'm Miriam Grant.upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor. They all say goodbye and Blair exits. CUT TO: 132 INT.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. thank you for listening. And I re-attached the rip cord. MIRIAM (V.O. COTTAGE .) Yeah.S. RRRRR . Barney grunts and waves half heartedly. Blair waves. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love".NIGHT . Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio. they all step outside.KITCHEN . 131 EXT. then hops in his canoe. As always. BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire.CONTINUOUS 89.
YELLOW 8-7-09 90. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together.. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat.. I land at five. hi.BROOKLYN . Michael. He hangs up. TAXI .. Barney is yelling at the TV. I'll just grab a cab to your place..DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters .NEW YORK CITY . love you. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT. MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal.business suit. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 . okay. BARNEY Hello?. CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with.. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. The phone RINGS. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. MICHAEL'S LOFT .. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT. briefcase. Michael greets her at the door. He answers...
wait-MICHAEL Good-night. MICHAEL Good night. BARNEY Michael. Thank you. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. BARNEY Michael. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. She heads off to the bedroom. CAROLINE Turn that down please. I'm sorry. I have to get up early. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. . Michael stops. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. Michael begins to follow. BARNEY MICHAEL. of course.BLUE 7-3-09 91. but is met with silence. Barney looks to Michael for backup. Barney turns the TV off. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. you wouldn't do it in the first place. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
We both agreed that was important. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. A hundred percent.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. get a Villa on Lake Como. as always. Jean leaves. Whatever you want to do. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to.BOOTH . go to Italy. 142 INT. MIRIAM It was important. CBC RADIO STATION . soon Kate will be too. 142 . But Michael's gone. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. (beat) I need to do this. polishing off his wine. travel. I'm behind it. So you could be here with the kids and me. BARNEY I'll quit working. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. I don't want you to. Jean. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. BARNEY Thank you. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. Barney sulks. We'll retire early. 97.
143 INT. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM . Upset that Barney didn't answer. BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. watching the hockey game. that's all the time we have. Blair. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. I'm going to call Barney. HALLWAY .. Miriam. MIRIAM Thank you. MIRIAM Stop it. The ON AIR light turns OFF. 98. Dalhousie. CBC RADIO STATION .HALLWAY .NIGHT Miriam hangs up. GUEST It is was a pleasure.. Thank you so much for coming in. Would you excuse me. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. BLAIR Of course. He 146 The 145 144 143 .on the bar.Well. ringing. you're a natural. Thank you. 146 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT . Mr. doesn't hear it. GRUMPY'S BAR . 144 INT.CBC RADIO STATION .BARNEY'S CELL PHONE . BLAIR Really. 145 INT.
CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON. Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. MIRIAM Okay. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. BARNEY (beat) Yes.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. (MORE) You knew .BEDROOM . I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. quiet apartment.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT. 148 He's drunk 99. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 147 INT. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. like you've done a thousand times before. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . and trying very hard to be quiet. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes.
1972. Mother to Barney. But he's not very convincing. Wife to Izzy. IZZY I'm not alone. BARNEY I was thinking.1925 . . Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. The good ones go 100. but no thanks.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. Good night. fast. CEMETERY . BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. 149 EXT. IZZY You should get one. we don't sleep apart. See that? That's alone. 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY . She turns the light OFF. IZZY Thanks. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space.
(MORE) 100A.PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. No wife. . That's alone. No kids. I'm going to be right here with your mother.
NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan. IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch.CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure.NIGHT I 101. 151 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . brings a cigar back to the table.. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. Miriam's reading. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DEN .BEDROOM . IZZY I'm used to being without her. Miriam sets down her book. . BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her. please don't smoke that. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history. Long silence.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. exhausted. 152 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . He gets up and MIRIAM Barney. need to get laid. Without a moment's pause. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse. You know it irritates Blair's asthma. much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. are over for dinner. Mr. Barney heads out to the den. guests continue with their conversation. THREE wives! 150 INT.. Barney stares at the ceiling.DINING ROOM .
MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. You made him so proud. She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 .RECEPTION . She takes his hand. GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished.NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time.. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. MASSAGE PARLOR . When she went back in.. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney. At least he went happy. EXT. 102.? Barney nods. MASSAGE PARLOR .NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. He's at a loss. who is sobbing. parks right in front. Beat. Barney 153 154 INT. the girl left the room to get a hot towel.. 153 Barney groans. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl.. She stops in front of room #4. Reaches for the phone.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. Barney's eyes searching. then enters. The Madame. The phone RINGS.
Goldie shuts the door. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. The walls bare. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. peaceful. Izzy's body lays on the table. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. MASSAGE ROOM . Barney reaches into his pocket. leaving him alone. The lighting dim. pressing it to his forehead. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 . MASSAGE PARLOR . a box of kleenex. Beat. half-grin on his face. 156 INT.RECEPTION . and starts to cry. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. takes in the room. 155 Barney enters. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. covered in a white sheet. Then he squeezes it tighter. patting his father's hand. He starts to laugh at the situation. holding it with both his hands.LATER 156 Barney exits the room.CONTINUOUS 103. They share a quiet moment.
KATE What word is that? INSERT .. thanks. KATE You're missing half the letters. He sets down his pieces.. 159 INT. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION .S.SCRABBLE BOARD.then puts it back. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY . Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. Barney stares at the board. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O. BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there.. Attorney. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn.) No.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused.DEN .? BARNEY Sorry.NIGHT . Dad.stares at it quizzically .YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104.
BARNEY It'll be okay. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. for her to start crying in his arms. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. He 105. I'll do it. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. KATE No. FLASHBACK TO: . I promise. BARNEY Leave that. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom. I'll get it. Barney watches her go. She cries as long as she needs to. They break apart...YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. KATE Let me. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. No. She gets up and starts to clean up. I know you're tired. dad.
He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. Leo Fasoli. there's a sense of melancholy to him. But then you returned the money. BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. CBC RADIO STATION . a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. along with Leo's flavor of the month. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. For all his success. She gives Leo a kiss. then extends her hand to Barney.DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. A LIMO waits right outside the door. 161 EXT. Barney and Blair watch from the booth.GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT. MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. 161 * * * * * * * . Leo lights a cigarette. What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. the French author. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. CBC RADIO STATION . LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute. Leo. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography.DAY . LEO Andre Gide. saying you no longer wanted to do it. cara mia.BOOTH . once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost". She slips into the limo.PAST (2003) 106. LEO FASOLI (61).
It's a real coup for Miriam.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. . 106A.
BLAIR I don't have it yet. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. Miriam begins to clear the table.DINING ROOM . MIRIAM Guests don't clean. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. BARNEY Here's hoping. They drink. MIRIAM Yes you did. She's an amazing 107. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. They hug. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. woman.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself. BLAIR Let me help you. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? . It makes me happy. Miriam heads to the kitchen. Long silence.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. 162 INT. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation.
.CONTINUOUS . BARNEY I didn't think so. it was a fantastic interview. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108. MIRIAM Thank you for coming. INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't..DOORWAY . BARNEY Just because you're gay. don't be so soft.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal.to confront Barney.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month.. Push them. BARNEY A month? Jeez. and again. congratulations. 164 . 163 164 INT. MIRIAM Thanks. DEN . but-Miriam enters. Blair exits. who is just lighting up a cigar. BLAIR I'm not gay. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that.. doesn't mean you can't be assertive.
MIRIAM No. BARNEY Okay. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. I'll take the week off. Let's just skip that whole part. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. I think a little time apart will do us both good. . BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. We're fighting about you. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair.
The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. Barney grabs the keys. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI . Find out what I have to do to report it. Anxious. ON THE SET 167 . A RETROSPECTIVE. RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. Coffee in hand. walks away.okay? 110. greets him with a smile.IN MEMORIAM.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. Barney. BARNEY My car was stolen. He's fidgety. The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT. OFFICE .MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood. Barney nods but he's not happy about this. TAXI CAB .TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . he's scared to death. 165 Barney rides in a taxi. RECEPTIONIST Good morning. 166 The taxi 166 INT. Actually. pulls away. TV SOUNDSTAGE .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married.MORNING ." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days. Spring has arrived. She gives him a kiss and exits. I have the keys right here. It's only a week .
YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. young. SEXPOT (21). A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. . cast as the new Nurse. ditzy.
I go to 111. SEXPOT Oh. angry. I won't work out here. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. He ducks out.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. 168 INT. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. He's frustrated. SOLANGE enters. Even though it's Barney's show.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. That's the point. BARNEY'S OFFICE . 168 . tight outfit her character would have worn. eager to tell him something. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. Barney continues his searching. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. BARNEY Nope. She's now directing the show. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear.S. SOLANGE (O. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. the gym for that.
The coffee machine stops. Dead silence.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now.. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like .CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. 169 INT. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. forcing them to raise their voices. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office. 112. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac. Solange fights back tears. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. The entire office watching them. Barney looks at the ticket. OFFICE . Solange follows. Chanel glasses. get over it. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 . Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. First Class. The machine REVS and GRINDS. He makes his choice..
Justin runs off. Drops the paper on the table." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally.FRONT PAGE BLURB . INSERT . BARNEY Fuck. INSERT . Barney turns back inside. BARNEY Good morning. he's late. NEIGHBOR (O. FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT. Something he reads upsets him. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet.KITCHEN . JUSTIN Hi Barney.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE . we're late. Barney stares back. BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago.FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper.FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. Barney looks at his watch -.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence. 171 He stares up at Scans the front page.shit. come on.) Justin. DIES AT 66. (CONT'D) 113.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI. 171 INT. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. BACK TO: . Barney. Hops up to get ready.S. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . there's no right or wrong.PRESENT DAY 114. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. BARNEY April.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT.. BARNEY'S OFFICE .BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT. DR.. (beat) Barney. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. long time physician.DAY .DAY Barney and Solange are in DR. MANDEBAUM'S office. DR. DR. DR. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 . 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. Just answer them. DR. Solange approaches him carefully.
* FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT. hi. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty. INTERCUT 175A* .DEN .. Barney paces while on the phone. I can't even find the fucking thing. MICHAEL (V.BROOKLYN .. 115. and frantic without Miriam around. that's fucking embarrassing. DR. it's German.) Hello? BARNEY Michael...DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment.O. put your mother on the phone. dad.DAY . MIRIAM (into phone) Hello. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too.. MANDEBAUM Just answer it. Desperate 174 175* 175A INT. (holding out phone) Mom.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . goddamn it.. MICHAEL'S LOFT .. DR. BARNEY A.PAST (2003) Scotch in hand. then ringing. please. you know..
tonight. Please. please come home already. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. Come back 116. MIRIAM I know. I can't sleep without you beside me. well. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. and that got me thinking and.. That we'll be together forever. (MORE) .YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. BARNEY I'm sorry. MIRIAM Barney. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine.. That's a big thing. you did. I just needed that settled. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. BARNEY I've learned my lesson.
So they called him down for a final interview.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. But I'm still not coming home today. empty house. Now I have to go. GRUMPY'S BAR . 176 INT. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant. BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer. MIRIAM Barney. going out of his mind.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? . Barney looks around the big. He's already quite drunk. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . I'm not going to have this discussion with you. I love you. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. I'm enjoying my week with my son. Goodbye. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. 117. not knowing what to do with himself. but I really do have to go. She hangs up. No way! Barney shrugs. BARNEY I love you.
would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. naked.DAY Barney. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry.DAY Driving home from the airport .DEN . I don't remember.DRIVING . HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT. 180 179 177 178 . 180 INT. BARNEY'S CAR . And I need the results as soon as possible. DR. Syphilis. Morty. in a state of panic. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BLONDE That's okay. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. 118. I remembered you right away. BARNEY I need a test. AIDS-DR. Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. slow down. DR. Now. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit. Barney stares up at the ceiling. Barney watches her walk away. Gonorrhea.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. 179 INT. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . sweaty and satisfied.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. whoa. MANDEBAUM Whoa.NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test.
how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen. 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. The phone RINGS. Barney. MIRIAM I have a better idea. . Go. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags.. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on. relax. Barney's acting strange.DAY They walk in from the airport. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Problems on the set. 182 INT.BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. 119. Both anxious and nice.I'll put on some tea . Too nice.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. MIRIAM It's good to be home. KITCHEN . talking from the other room.. Barney LEAPS to answer it. BARNEY I missed you too.and run you a bath. MIRIAM I missed you. she's in the mood for love. (to Miriam) It's work. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted ...
BARNEY I'm not sick. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. you. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? . Barney walks into the bedroom. I am..S.. 183 INT. BEDROOM .. thank God.) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes. She's trembling. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. BARNEY Morty. Thank 120. 183 MIRIAM I don't know why.. She has to sit down. Terrified. so?.. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. I'm not sick. oh. Barney takes a deep breath.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. Naked. I'll be in the bedroom. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. bye.. Miriam exits. MIRIAM The way you cough at night. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. okay. You were acting so strange. but I dialed star 69. The phone in her hand.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'. MIRIAM (O. He hangs up.
Miriam is completely devastated. MIRIAM HAD a life. 120A. BARNEY It meant nothing to me. We have a life.YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat. 184 . BARNEY (CONT'D) Please. completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT.A KNOCKING at the door. She storms out. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . Off Barney. Miriam.NIGHT .
a request from our ever faithful listener. Alphonse. Kate is standing in the door watching him. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. She nods .DEN . The door opens revealing KATE. You could use one. KATE Here you go. Alphonse. She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. Barney looks at her with surprise. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. MIRIAM (V. FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? . (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. Barney grins. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. Kate exits. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield. hands him his drink.that's for sure. And here's one for you Alphonse . BARNEY Easy.O. Kate nods. 185 INT. her eyes filled with tears. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. kiddo.BLUE 7-3-09 121. all the way from Montreal.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" .MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . I'm still your father.Barney shatters a framed photo. 186 INT. that no one can move or say a word. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. BACK TO: 188 INT. you miserable. but she still loved you. . Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. Barney SLAPS Michael.CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122. BARNEY Watch your mouth. We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better. wait. Back and forth.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. his father. but your mother and I will work through this. Michael then storms out of the house. Her eyes puffy from crying. ungrateful prick.DAY . HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Michael. Kate runs in and tries to stop him.DEN . Barney paces back and forth. It's so utterly shocking to both of them.KITCHEN . He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you.PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. Michael won't even look at his father. tearing the room apart.
is trying but unable to do his tie. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. His eyes filled with tears. won't make eye contact. FADE OUT: 189 INT. let me do it.BEDROOM . SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. Kate is unsure what to do. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. She steps to him and does his tie. SOLANGE Here. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. His frustration finally boils over. He looks up her. There. 123. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . . been. in his best suit. Barney. The elevator doors open revealing Solange.BARNEY'S APARTMENT .SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. WALK-IN CLOSET . while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. STOP. carrying two cups of coffee. PLEASE. BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number. 191 INT. They say nothing. 190 INT. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. STOP!! He finally stops.
His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden. 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124. drinking a glass of sparkling water. elegant and graceful as she ever was. She walks out first. Barney sits tight. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. Every bit as gorgeous.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go.GARDEN .DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. He takes one last look in the mirror. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . 192 AND 192A 193 EXT. .
and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss.. Solange -. but it's over. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. We had a beautiful marriage. I want you to be at peace with that. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. but has to fight off tears instead. But I do have crib notes..PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. We 125. BARNEY We can't. She tries to laugh. They sit. MIRIAM We can be friends now. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. all know where this is going. She nods. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. MIRIAM You look great. BARNEY You look fantastic.all the important stuff in case I get lost. Kate's numbers. can't we? No. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? . MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier.
RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . 197 INT. And they eat cake. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure. BARNEY Thank you. LADIES BATHROOM . LATER CU .MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table.A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. Barney and Miriam each have one.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat.GARDEN . 197 196 He can't remember . JEAN Bonjour. Heaven.DAY 126. 194 195 They grin with anticipation. warm chocolate sponge. which one he is supposed to use. Miriam hands him his fork. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. Mmmm.. Carries it past her lips and savors. She races over to Jean.RITZ CARLTON . RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN . She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery.. Miriam slices through the moist. 194 195 OMITTED EXT.
RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . * . grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. the kids are gone. why don't we go home. I got so scared. Miriam cocks her head. Madame. but forgot his wallet on the table. curl up in bed.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met.she pulls it out. Without thinking why .. 198 INT. Jean hands her Barney's old. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet.THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. 127.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. beat up WALLET. Barney is standing there. did you see Barney? JEAN No. MIRIAM I thought I lost you. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. The paper old and cracked. CONGRATULATIONS. wondering why he said that. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY Look at you. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. you're practically shaking. takes her breath away. watch a movie. He's carried this on him all these years.. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT . BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. he paid the bill. BARNEY Lost me? Hey.
was the only suspect in the case. who went missing over thirty years ago. the kids. Boogie's bones with snorkel. His friend.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids. as happy as he's ever been. don't cry. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. Barney Panofsky. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love.NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch.DAY ON TV . having realized he's forgotten they ever split up... You're the one who dropped them off at school. 199 . 128.? BARNEY Yeah. flippers and goggles. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. He pulls her close. MOUNT ORFORD . MIRIAM Let's get you home. She falls into his embrace.
Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. that. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 . O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him. KATE (laughs) Oh. MICHAEL Okay. doesn't mean he didn't kill him. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. KITCHEN .CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT.BLUE 7-3-09 200 129.COTTAGE . This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. For years now. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange. 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET.
Kate drips honey into her tea. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. Hands it to Michael. Michael looks out onto the lake. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. .CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere.CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. DEN . Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. It's a picture perfect day. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. SUNROOM .BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. but it's true. While she signs the pages. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever. 130.COTTAGE . They continue out to the -206 INT. Daddy asked me to keep it going. To make her feel good. just in case she checked the number. Michael and Kate sit.
KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. It's not fair to her. done. the original painting by my late friend. * . She finishes signing the agreement. MICHAEL I agree. I leave our city condo.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. Okay. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". Hands it back. She's married to Blair. Miriam Grant Panofsky. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. KATE Only until death do them part. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. Yeah. Beat. Leo Fasoli. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. 131. MICHAEL There's one last thing. but it's not relevant anymore.
From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. Turns it back over again. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. Clips and . stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. Michael turns the Banana over for him. MICHAEL Try it this way. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. oddly. COTTAGE . He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. even react to Michael's presence. He didn't do it. Michael exits. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. KATE Stop it. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY.DAY Michael 132. 208 EXT. KATE He's our father. lights it.
DAY Bright. It opens its hull and drops its water load . but his thoughts. green grass flutter. A perfect blue sky behind them. It pulls back up into the sky. Watching this. did you see that? He turns to Barney who. Tears in her eyes.. the hull closes. is watching the plane too. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. it suddenly comes together for Michael. if any. holding it. His eyes light up with excitement.. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. much to his surprise. I'm so sorry. dad. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze... CEMETERY . FADE TO: 209 EXT. dad. Blades of thick. Michael takes his father's hand... KATE Standing on the deck. Oh my God. Barney continues to puff on his cigar. having gotten away from the young family previously. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. The plane descends toward the lake.. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died.. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. smoke it just fine. just don't tell Kate. Barney is able to 133. watching them. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. 209 . MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. are a mystery to all. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water.
. CEMETERY .2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE ..beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END . she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips.GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path. then starts back down the hill. MOVING WITH MIRIAM . Her eyes moist with tears. Maybe the most picturesque spot ever.. the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 . 210 EXT. A view of the entire city. 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave.DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery.as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers.GRAVE SITE . 134.
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