Barney's Version by Michael Konyves

Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler

WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009

PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A

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Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2

The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally

BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3

GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at

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4 AND 5 6

INT.

KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER

Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *

KATE He thought it was indigestion. He finds his keys. BARNEY How bad? Minor. 8A INT. HALLWAY . BARNEY The ringer was off. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. Impotence is still on the table. KATE Daddy. STREET . BARNEY That's true. Rushes out the door. Putz. where were you? calling all morning. it's still a heart attack. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. 8 * * * KATE Dad.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? . Walking to her job as a grade school teacher.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). Barney's daughter. BARNEY I've been 3.CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. carrying a bag and thermos.

. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. BARNEY I'll call you back. the elevator. The 4.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. KATE You better. I'm stepping in DING. On the elevator doors closing we. I'm fine. filled with glee at this news. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. BARNEY So I saved his life. KATE Sure. KATE My hero. elevator arrives. CAR . (beat) I'll call you later. dad..DRIVING . CUT TO: 9 INT. He steps in. It was your call that woke her. . back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at. Barney grins from ear to ear.

YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay. BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. CUT TO: 10 INT. KATE Love you. 9A EXT. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. 5.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. O'MALLEY. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . TV SOUNDSTAGE . SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow.DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. SOLANGE."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". mid-50's and still handsome. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. BARNEY Love you too. the long running soap . her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age. The CONSTABLE. herself. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. Great. originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. The scene is painful for him watch. and sits in his producers chair. is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). making a "house call" to the local bar.

struggling to keep pace. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. leading everyone into -11 INT. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. Barney whisks through the aisles . BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6. including MARK (40). FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. Yes I've seen today's paper. assistants.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. MARK Barney. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . Barney pushes through a door. let that be the end of it. story editors. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away.YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. 11 . Everyone talking over each other. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode.everyone still hot on his tail. MARK They're looking ahead. BARNEY That's in a year.

I'll give her your job before that happens. No one under fifty watches the show.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. No way. MARK They're not asking. BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. She's been on the show since day one.CONTINUOUS 7. BARNEY No. If we don't do it. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . Barney heads into -12 INT. MARK They want to bring in a new face. Maybe give Solange a sexy. 12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. this is our last season. BARNEY'S OFFICE . Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. Someone young.

whoa. a real shark. how do I look? Beat. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. Solange. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. Barney tosses the folder aside. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. They love me over there. MARK Barney. Her tone . Tell me honestly. Sexy as hell. SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. instantly softens. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. and he says-MARK Whoa. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air.

With a glance. slides off his barstool. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. Grossly overweight. Barney busies himself with moving around papers. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. slamming the door behind her for effect. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. 14 13 . then takes a deep breath. Barney ignores him. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. Solange takes the cue. GRUMPY'S BAR . Not wanting to get into it. puts her game face on and storms out.GRUMPY'S BAR. 14 INT. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. She stops just before exiting.DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. blotchy salmon red complexion. BARNEY'S CAR .DRIVING . around 60. 9. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. Jill directs Barney down the bar. JILL He's had more than a few already.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar.

Detective Sean O'Hearne". O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. share in the moment. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. You'd never have the guts to cut him up. my ass. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. 10. POUNDS it shut with his fist. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. If you won't tell me now. Barney looks at O'Hearne. Look at you . you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. I thought I'd buy you a drink. I carved him up with a chainsaw. O'HEARNE Chainsaw. He's very drunk.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. Lawrence river. you're bound to go first. I even signed it.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. . none of this would have been possible without you. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. like you might say. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. be a "mensch". dumped the parts in the St. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. Barney opens the book . O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. All the best. Marvelling at his idiocy.

NIGHT . Barney's Algonquin Round Table. JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. O'Hearne is right up in his face. ex-pats and plenty of girls. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book. 11. Panofsky.PAST TITLE: ROME. Lively conversations overlap.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT. Italian bearded artist. extremely handsome. LEO FASOLI. O'Hearne marches out. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. sweetie. African American. Copious amounts of food and drink. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . three fawning girls with him. RESTAURANT . He slides the book back over to him. as we move around a crowded table. Locals.TRASTAVERE. actor. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. INSERT . BARNEY Your breath stinks. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON. . ROME . (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about. INTENSE stare.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome.

CEDRIC I'm Cedric. (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. . Barney's best and most cherished friend. So I tell him . living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. BOOGIE.. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me.. as you have in thought". Who do I look like. Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. Tall and lean. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. CEDRIC I'm an actor. I am now posse member number 4. Everyone toasts. LEO To Cedric. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula".PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC ."Roberto.

A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. kisses him deeply. MARIA You look like a movie 12A. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. star. LEO Where did you meet her? . whispers something in his ear. the Countess. no less. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. The Countess then slides up to Boogie. then walks off to the bathroom.

our very own patron of the arts. . gypsy shawl and skirt. tall. I want to hear about all of you. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates . CEDRIC Barney . Leo. skinny. LEO The show was a bust. my High Priest. 13. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. pale and beautiful. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago.to Barney.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. and slightly showing at her belly. I'm getting married. actually. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. BOOGIE (to Barney) And so."not so good". I only sold one piece .S. that would be great. But enough about that. If you could find out AND get her name. Everyone toasts. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well. Three months pregnant. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job.) To me.

Hymie back in Montreal. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . He starts to soften.. ROME STREET . She instantly To 14. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. You're still my yummy yid.. sharing a flask. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil.. switches gears to soft and loving. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. You're not one of us. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay.BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. the party around them continues on. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. 16 EXT. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. the whole gang pours out into the street. baby. She gets on his lap. curling herself around him like a cat. Barney and Boogie lead the way.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. CLARA I'm sorry. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. It's fucking humiliating. Barney scowls at Clara. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick.

PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow. Oh. BOOGIE He's coming with me. 15. Oh. . Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. who is quite smitten with him. CLARA Oh no. BOOGIE If you say so. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. C'mon. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. Barney. I'm seeing. I'm exhausted. LEO Yeah. CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. come on. yeah. not a wife. you're not. and I'm fucking pregnant too. She's a conversation piece.

15A. .PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street.

Absolutely brilliant. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. BARNEY Boogie.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink. We only go around once. a pack of rolling papers. BOOGIE We have to do it all. BOOGIE'S ROOM . Hash . . two packs of Gauloises. Barney. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. But you can read it so far. They toast and drink. 17 INT. Opium. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet.everything under and behind the sun.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside.HOTEL CISTERNA . Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. 17 A bottle of Scotch. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. a small ball of TINFOIL. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. on and off the table. Horse. this is brilliant.

Vanessa is the editor's wife. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. Pious and pristine . Barney looks at him dumfounded. INSERT . .BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. BARNEY Let me guess . Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. And anyway. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. it's not finished yet.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17. her elasticity is restored. and now a shell of the hole she used to be. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. without warning or reason. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. As reward. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. After an ungodly amount of drilling. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. Then one day. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium.

BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. . helps her up the stairs.CAMPIDOGLIO . we're already late. no one will think anything less of you. STAIRS . Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen. 19 INT. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent.DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. CUT TO: 18 EXT. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. Cedric. Boogie. ahead of the others. wearing a black veil. Leonardo Fasoli. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. prego. 18. BARNEY Jesus. stop dicking around and finish your book already.DAY Wedding day. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up.Bernardo Moscovitz. you don't have to go through with this. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE .YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was. Clara is seven months pregnant. prego . Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. Boogie. BARNEY (beat) C'mon. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni.CAMPIDOGLIO . Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office.

JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. They're locked in our attic. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy. BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. Dumfounded silence. Barney signs. Clara says nothing. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. .PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. I ran away on the honeymoon. firmi qui. CLARA (CONT'D) There.Yosel and Chaim. firmi qui. is chiama Clara Chambers. CLARA Only two .

CLARA I'm sorry. I figured they should know. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. sketches and paintings. trembling with white knuckle fear. She may be crazy. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. but she has her odd charms.NIGHT 20. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. CUT TO: 21 INT. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems. clutching her black wedding veil. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit.DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . a child terrified of the thunder. don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. . (beat) You still love your crazy Clara.YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT.

CLARA Oh Barney. than back at Barney. Or Chambers. 21. a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk. 22 INT. look her in the eye.DAY THE DOCTOR sits down.Clara Panofsky. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. 23 INT. (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry. (MORE) . DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino. lights up a cigarette. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father . BARNEY I'm the father. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . Clara strokes his arm. in Italian) I need to find my wife . Barney is speechless. then to his charts.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse.mi dispiace .for our records. DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. Or maybe Charnofsky.HOSPITAL .I will speak in English.

24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber.HOSPITAL . BOOGIE Easy. CLARA Okay. 25 INT. C'mon. BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door. he walks off. I'm ready to talk now. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. it's disgusting to look at. Barney looks at Boogie . I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. pours her a glass of water. man. Barney waits. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . HALLWAY . BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . chumps. Surprise. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 .DAY 22. 24A EXT.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed."what the fuck?". He just lost a son. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. BARNEY Clara. 24 INT. incredulous grunt. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building.

BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food.someone who shops. I did you a great favor. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always.CONTINUOUS 23.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . CLARA Come now. the color's come back into your cheeks. CLARA Oh look. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck. Now you can finally go back home. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. BOOGIE'S ROOM . Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. Barney! Let's start over! Please. Barney walks out and never looks back. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. your insight is dazzling. 27 . CLARA Wait! I'm sorry.HOTEL CISTERNA . 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney. 26 INT. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. STAIRWELL .

I'm sorry. 30 INT. 31 INT. Sorry. the abstract painting of Leo's. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him. 29 INT.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove.. 32 31 30 29 28 . I really do miss you. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust. Barney reaches for the lighter.CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. Nothing. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. to a hung over Barney. Please come for dinner tonight at eight. I think it came a few days ago. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. I think it's important we talk. I'll even make latkes. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. Clara. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. empty wine bottles.DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two.DAY Barney runs up the stairs.DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry.O. that. snoozing on the sofa. 28 INT. Shit. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V. I forgot... His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT. ashtrays. I need you. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . STAIRWELL . The candles completely burned away. BEDROOM . Yours. well up with tears...) Dear Barney. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .PINK 7-27-09 24.VILLA DELLA FONTE . Barney drops to her. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. KITCHEN .. feels for a pulse.

BLUE 6-25-09 25. Hands clasped behind his back. CHARNOFSKY (50). (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. Clara made it. studying the apartment. Rising unsteadily. Charnofsky wanders in. CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. Clara's Sketches. Your machuten. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. black hat. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. He opens the door. (beat) She said her parents were dead. CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. BARNEY We lost him. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. drawn to look like Satan. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. I'm Clara's father. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. (MORE) . Barney steps to the side. Clara's Paintings". stands there. Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. An Orthodox Jew. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney.

33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. It all started when she was twelve. He used to encourage her. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. You should have a publisher look at them.BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. Ship them to my nephew. It's not a princely living. ink drawings.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. He's a professor of literature at NYU. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. I'm sure. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. KITCHEN . Pours himself another. Poems. Charnofsky finishes his drink. She would refuse to eat. leave it outside the door. My wife wanted to die. CUT TO: 33 INT. That's when I started locking her in the attic. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. but they provide us with an apartment. (MORE) . Tearing her hair out in clumps. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. She was a danger to everyone. "I'm not Jewish". My wife would bring her food. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. you said? Filth about me and her mother. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. People think highly of her work. diaries.

CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. BARNEY I think you should leave. went to Harvard. We did everything we could. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. BARNEY She was obviously sick. 34 INT. the best in town. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. but only God determines the outcome. 27. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr. 34 . CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. Kupner. It was a horror.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek .

Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. 28.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. oysvorf.KITCHEN . Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs. Turns the burner off.BROOKLYN . Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. He pauses for a moment. BARNEY Michael. in his Brooklyn loft. yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer. He grabs the phone and dials. looking at the strainer quizzically. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her.. mamzer. BARNEY Get out NOW. 36 INT. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26).? MICHAEL What? . Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard.DAY . Barney's son.. It's ready. MICHAEL'S LOFT . MICHAEL Hi dad.

BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.

29.

Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?

YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY

30.

MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37

Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)

GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.

31.

CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *

*

*

He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society. Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2. Barney looks a little green around the collar.DAY .FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1.DAY . IRV This is my table. 43 INT. He's getting the hang of this. BARNEY It could happen here. IRV (V. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .DAY .the real numbers. I'll give you the target's annual income. 44 . insurance policy.COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . 41 INT. fat cat. nowhere else.GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. Not the numbers on his tax returns .O.FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3. IRV'S CONDO . you tell him. now seated. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here.NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen.) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. A silver-haired. insurance policy. 40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT. Israel is our insurance policy. You sit here. Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. 32.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. It could happen here. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . CUT TO: 44 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .

IRV Gentlemen. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. The ultimate . Sit.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. Irv's told me all about you. SECOND MRS. but tell Marv about the TV deal. SECOND MRS. Now listen. voluptuous. 'JAP'. They're hitting it off. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. producing. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. P You must be Barney. IRV Listen. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. Irv escorts Barney away. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. Cute. TARGET 1 Absolutely. I don't need to be set up. but it could happen here. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. BARNEY Irv. stylishly dressed. we get that. P (30). it's all the same dance. boychick? Fundraising. I got a girl I want you to meet. she has a master's from McGill. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. and she's a real looker.

BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. BARNEY So. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -. P'S PARENTS MANSION . 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS . dad. that's the housekeeper. walk up the steep steps. IZZY Swanky. 34. Her grating qualities aside. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. ..NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60).. kid. Don't worry. FORMAL DINING ROOM .Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. watch the language and mind the manners. Maybe Irv's right. stares at them coldly. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell.LATER Classical music. his father. IZZY I got it. They reach the door. 46 INT. having been a detective and all. remember. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. SECOND MRS. Polish housekeeper.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. fine china. P Mr. THE SECOND MRS. Panofsky. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. 45 EXT. A short. ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift.

when a feller is young and you give him authority. . I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley.you figure it out". MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. call me Izzy. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. BARNEY He means unnecessarily. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . he likes to push (MORE) 35.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. I ain't gonna work for free. Big score for a rookie. that's so dangerous. and I'm trying to play it by the book. IZZY Look. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. then haul 'em all in. So I toss three in the back. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. throw the fourth across the hood. gorgeous. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. And I was just a beat cop.

. 35A. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around. And most of the time I was.

P squeezes Barney high up his leg.. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat. CAR . IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. So get to shtupping and multiply already. Under the table Mrs.DRIVING . The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport.what a sweet little casserole you are. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. Everyone continues eating. P. But you're the one with the mansion on the hill. You never know what tomorrow brings. . Cutlery tinkling. Let's make a toast. Barney flinches. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs. Izzy..GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. Barney and The Second Mrs.MONTREAL AIRPORT . CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up. It's been two months since I last heard from you. he hasn't slept for days. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . IZZY I call it like I see it. P raises their glasses.

still hoping this is just a nightmare. I have no doubt of. THE SECOND MRS. and her PARENTS . ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. BARNEY Fuck me. Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride. BARNEY C'mon. RECEPTION HALL . A huge affair. and his ushers: IRV. BOOGIE. BOOGIE Listen. . Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests. LEO and even CEDRIC. CEREMONY HALL . all with the same haircut. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. have I got stories for you. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . BARNEY That. 48 INT.no questions asked. man.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . wiping tears of joy.NIGHT 37. I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. 49 INT.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Anyway. you haven't even met her yet.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot.

PLATES LAND at various tables.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs. Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU . He joins Barney. Barney downs another shot. BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band. BARNEY What's the score? One . P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -.The Second Mrs. RECEPTION HALL .A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game.zip. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night. RECEPTION HALL . 52 INT. CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod. P. RECEPTION HALL . LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain.NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms. Shit. . Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .NIGHT 38.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke.GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT. 51 INT.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .

shots. The Second Mrs. P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. Then more shots. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. * * They all do a round of shots. .

GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. . loves every minute of it. Irv. The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes. knowing Izzy.

disperses. maybe you should tone it down a little.he comes at me with a chair. As Barney escorts Izzy away. Barney gives his father a big hug. 53 INT. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon.but we do it for appearances.. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr.I never bust the girls.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. Anyway. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz. except for Irv. they provide a valuable service . 39. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit . the ENTIRE TABLE. What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here. IZZY What. there are ladies present. Panosfky. love him more. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. BARNEY Dad. I'll be right back. what's in your pocket? . RECEPTION HALL . 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad.. But then.

S.. pushing through the crowd. striking eyes. Gets his father in law in his sights. They walk to the bar. IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. Just as he is about to reach him. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper.) . Barney is mesmerized. no. Barney stomps off. BARNEY I don't know what to say. I want you to have it. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink.. From inside his jacket. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. but then cuts right back -(O. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. classy.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. 40. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. don't embarrass me.MIRIAM GRANT (28). FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh. BARNEY Thank you. Barney turns away. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . Slide out their glasses for refills. Gorgeous. forget it.

(CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. He's my father and he'll have your respect. Miriam . BARNEY We haven't met yet. MIRIAM Thank you for having me. That's something he can never tire of. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. Barney walks right up to her.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. She laughs. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. I'm Barney. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. RECEPTION HALL . FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. not to mention really drunk. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I'm Miriam. 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. BARNEY That's the name of my company. 54 INT. Father-In-Law is speechless. BARNEY Perfect.NIGHT 41.

* * * MIRIAM Who's winning? .GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. BARNEY YES. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work. Entertainment to make the day pass better. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. that's okay. The entire moment incredibly intimate. It's a Montecristo.readers. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. She grabs a box of matches from the table. BARNEY The hockey game. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. the workers favorite story was. the Count of said name. I wouldn't want it to bother you. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . At the factory which produces this Montecristo. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. MIRIAM Please. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. you guessed it. MIRIAM Nice touch. 42. BARNEY Lectors. BARNEY Oh.

I have a train to catch later. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. He stands. rises and extends her hand. She's such a snob that one.S. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods.sure . P directly behind him. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. P Barney? The Second Mrs.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .) .why? SECOND MRS. P I see you met Miriam. * MIRIAM No. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome. MIRIAM Congratulations again. LATER RECEPTION HALL . hockey? You follow 43. works in radio now. He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. and with perfect manners. don't you find? BARNEY Yeah .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. Anyway. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS.NIGHT 55 (O. but I do read newspapers. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand.no . 55 INT. P She went to McGill with me. MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that.

44. It's raining. coked-up nose. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. His tie loose around his neck. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . wiping his sniffling. 56 EXT.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. Boogie. seriously.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch. They knock glasses. I almost forgot. CONGRATULATIONS. MIRIAM. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. he's drunk and looks miserable. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. BARNEY Thanks for being here. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. P Oh Barney. INSERT . Boogie sits beside him. for the first time in my life I am truly. Smart as a whip too. P appears behind him. so am I. irretrievably in love." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. So am I. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. Cars are honking. SECOND MRS. draping her arms around his neck. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * . BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. The Second Mrs.

Shuts her book ..GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT.on your WEDDING NIGHT. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. 58 . passing from car to car. BARNEY I like you with glasses. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train.Herzog by Saul Bellow. 57A* * Barney.S. TRAIN . She's wearing her reading glasses. or stay with me. where a porter is checking passengers tickets.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met . She's stunned. engrossed in a novel. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me.NIGHT 45. whom he finally spots. sprints down the stairs into the station. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good. Barney grins from ear to ear. 58 INT. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . soaking wet. Thinking fast on his feet. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. She takes them off.. He drops into the seat next to her. looking for Miriam. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria.

He stands . sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. 59 INT. Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. on my death bed.S. Beat. (O. Every word he says . That smile is enough to melt his heart. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him.D.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens. CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train. tickets.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. . or a ticket. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. BARNEY I don't have I. at a funeral. just like that. MIRIAM Go home.) 46. CONDUCTOR I. but won't look at him. It's happened. Among other things. It really does. watching him still chasing after her. Barney finally concedes. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform.the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out.. TRAIN PLATFORM . Barney.D. Barney gets off the train. sits at the window.

THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. 60 * Ripped pants.DAY 61 On their honeymoon. SECOND MRS. P runs out and wraps herself around him. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. I was so ferklempt Dr. SECOND MRS.ROME . P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. Barney steps inside. . P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. bloody knee and palms. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. P'S PARENTS MANSION . Oops. Everyone falls silent. Barney and The Second Mrs. THE SECOND MRS. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome. The Second Mrs. 47. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. P Oh my God. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA .he's a mess. SECOND MRS. the hospitals. SECOND MRS. I could have told you what it was for.GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. * CUT TO: 61 EXT. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. The Second Mrs.

P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother. I'm just saying. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?...A. HONEYMOON SUITE . Arlene will die on the spot... Okay. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE..... and the soaps are to die for. Okay.HOTEL .. sure. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays. SECOND MRS. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y.. . P (into phone) --Ma. you should see the bathrobes we've got here. CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT.DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs. Of course I will.HOTEL .. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother. HONEYMOON SUITE . SECOND MRS.. I'll talk to you tomorrow. P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment. That perks him up 48. P (into phone) --It's from Dior. SECOND MRS.H.DAY 64 The Second Mrs.ROME . Ma. DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. I'll talk to you tomorrow. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife. slightly..M. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you.ROME . tell Daddy I love him..

P Well. Right. BARNEY You certainly do. P Good? SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. And what about that girl..YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. we do have a big family. SECOND MRS. BARNEY Who was she again? 49. I think she was from New York. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. She gets onto the bed beside him. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. SECOND MRS. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. My cousin Jeff brought her. Oh good. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. Beat. P He just pretends for BARNEY . BARNEY Jeff seems gay. I didn't even invite her. P Miriam Grant. the family. Jeff is gay. SECOND MRS. the one in the blue dress. SECOND MRS..

BARNEY Sorry. I'm late. Nap? SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. Hurrying down the street. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. 66 65 . I took a cab.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. P With soap? BARNEY Yes.BOOKSTORE . I just got here. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. gracing its cover. P Okay.DAY . The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. 50. P I don't think so.but then POPS back up. SECOND MRS. COFFEE SHOP . Barney squeezes through the crowd. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. KATE That's okay.DAY . P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. She dives back under and starts in again. The Second Mrs. MONTREAL STREET . a highly invasive procedure. 66 INT. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing.

BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not.this . my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth . ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. haven't I? 51. The man still can't fly out of the country.perplexed.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. (to Kate) Continue.is not going to happen. (to Barney) You do something awful. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. KATE Dad. but instead of trying to make up for it. you opt for something infinitely worse. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. Before that. No crazies today. (to cashier) Two double espressos. flaxseed . you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. . BARNEY By what? KATE By you. BARNEY I've upset Claire.

I have a date. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. They get their coffees and walk to the door. he's a nasty piece of work. BARNEY Funny.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. BARNEY They're married. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually. They're happily married. but it's time to let it go. it's time to lay off Blair. KATE No he didn't. I'm sorry. You got divorced. Stick to the facts. 52. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. BARNEY He stole her from me. 67 . 67 EXT. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. She got remarried. KATE My point is. STREET .

Probably a squirrel. 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. Barney stops walking. 68 Looks around. behind him.COTTAGE .NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. BARNEY Right. BARNEY'S CAR . 53. I definitely need a weekend in the country. 69 . DECK .MONTREAL BRIDGE . What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE".DRIVING . Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there. A RUSTLING comes from the woods. I think that's a sign of maturity. A Montecristo.COUNTRY ROAD .YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice. We'll see. KATE (CONT'D) Confused.DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage.DRIVING . 69 EXT. Macallan's.DAY Barney drives out of the city. (laughing it off) Well. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love. 67A INT/EXT. I like him. BARNEY'S CAR .

Waiting for something to appear. Wearing a tight. Look at her. CUT! DIRECTOR (O. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity.) Great. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. trying to see through the darkness. nurse. leans on the wood railing.DAY . turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. From a distance. low cut outfit. We now see why she was originally hired. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. O'MALLEY Thank you.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. . she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. Constable. Something RUSTLES again. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. Hoping. she's a total knockout. this time a little closer.PINK 7-27-09 54. their business. TV SOUNDSTAGE .S. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. Barney stands.

INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers. (MORE) 55. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is. this has to stop.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. Actions They have consequences.SOUNDSTAGE . I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word. Really? matter. MIRIAM Barney. Why don't we talk about it over lunch. 71 72 . words matter. there's a call for you. NEW YORK RADIO STATION . 71 INT. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way.OFFICE . A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. I'm sorry.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT. MIRIAM Well. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. BARNEY I know. OFFICE . and the gifts every week it's something else.

MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing.. rearranging knick-knacks... yes.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously.. I'm watching my figure. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. P'S HOUSE . 74 INT. With the phone tucked to her ear. feeling like progress is being made. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead. SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. then act accordingly. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act. P'S HOUSE .. 73 EXT. Barney? BARNEY Yes. . Do Barney smiles.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood. exactly. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age.... as you have in thought".. P who decorated it. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. you understand me. No. what did I say wrong?. SECOND MRS. The Second Mrs.. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. Ma. Thank you. (curt) I have to go. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. P flutters about. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS.. 56. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated.

THIS IS IMPORTANT!! . BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house.you were at the game last night..tuning her out completely. Barney continues reading . do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going. KITCHEN . P Tell me something . Okay. To the king of Macedonia. P BARNEY. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out. SECOND MRS. Listen.... SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. Looks at Clara's drawing again. She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall. She hangs up. We just changed all the carpets. I'll pick you up at noon... I have to go. deciding on something to hang. I know it's disgusting.YELLOW 8-7-09 57. Ma. 75 SECOND MRS. Goodbye.. No. who do you think?. you asked!.. I had to fire the maid. I wasn't talking to you..CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan... P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth.. It makes her gag. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place. ma. I will..... SECOND MRS. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. SECOND MRS.

P THIS. 76 EXT. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. couple days. I was on a fifteen hour flight. Boogie emerges from the building. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. His appearance is shocking to Barney. In bad shape.* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. high.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS. stumbles toward Barney's car. I had to fix one more time. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. See you in a 58. BARNEY Just get in. FLEABAG HOTEL . P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. Communicating. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. BOOGIE C'mon. This is what marriage is. Talking. Boogie gets in the car.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. * * . 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick.

P Yeah.DAY 59. . looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. and he needed somewhere safe to kick. 80 79 INT.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. COTTAGE .COUNTRY HOUSE . THE SECOND MRS. P I thought I'd surprise you. it's called rehab. 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat. BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. A roast. SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. SECOND MRS. Barney helps Boogie up the steps. BARNEY Surprise. P is on the porch. drinking wine. SECOND MRS. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . 79 INT. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. greens. GUEST BEDROOM . potatoes.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. 80 He's out cold.COTTAGE . Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink.

P Stop.COUNTRY HOUSE .CONTINUOUS She follows him out. 81 He won't look her in the eye. SECOND MRS. BARNEY Jesus Christ. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. . 81 EXT. P You don't know the half of it. Barney stares out at the lake. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. P Be a man. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this. Barney storms out to the DECK. I called the florist. While usually discreet about their clients. BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. Look what I found while going through your pockets. DECK . 60. P Well played. Barney. SECOND MRS. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. This is ridiculous.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. no hesitation.

MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day. is a true country paradise. .COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. I don't understand what you want anymore. P No. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS. P Shmuck. GRUMPY'S . so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. 83A EXT. 82 EXT. 82A 83 OMITTED INT. The Second Mrs. It was the happiest moment of my life. SECOND MRS. 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada.DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. It hurts her like hell. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her.Barney". She goes back inside. And you are such a liar. Fuck you. You say you've never been unfaithful. I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto. Now it's been months since we made love. KITCHEN .DAWN 61. The calm of the lake. Call you later .YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. but she's not going to cry in front of him. COTTAGE .

YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. IZZY Boychick. Barney drops down across from him. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her.DAY 62. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. (MORE) . I know how hard marriage can be. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. listen. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. GRUMPY'S BAR . IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. 84 Two Scotches on the table. Beat. IZZY Jesus Christ. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. BARNEY I have to get a divorce.

IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. and then real life starts.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. hard look at the situation. Beat. flaky kugel and has a great rack. . IZZY She's a tough cookie. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. Let's take a good. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. makes a nice. ain't life grand. 63. If you divorce her. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. Many successful marriages were built on far less. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater .

) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. 85 INT. Barney drives up to the cottage. IZZY Alright then. 64. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom. Scotch.. COTTAGE . but then just hangs up. IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely.MORNING Still hungover. P (O.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name. 87 86 . SECOND MRS. 87 INT. 86 INT/EXT. chugging coffee. Cigar.DRIVING . He considers responding. BARNEY'S HOUSE . let's do this.COUNTRY ROAD . my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow. BARNEY'S CAR . SECOND MRS. BARNEY Miriam.. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. Walks down the hall. He opens the door to find.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch.MORNING Barney enters the house. P (O.S.S. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM.

Things are looking up for him. 90 INT. SECOND MRS. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot..CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears.. HALL . naked. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. BEDROOM . HALL .COTTAGE . hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room. P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process. P I brought him something to eat. . he was trembling.COTTAGE . Barney is frozen with shock. SECOND MRS.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie.BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. you bastard. GUEST BEDROOM . I still don't know how he got my nightie off.CONTINUOUS 65. he smiles. BARNEY My wife and my best friend. then.. she throws on whatever clothes she can find.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in..COTTAGE . P. moaning.COTTAGE . I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm. P This is all your fault. Kicking and screaming. his sheets were soaked. 88 The Second Mrs. SECOND MRS. The Second Mrs. 89 INT.. BARNEY It must have been magic. Once it does. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. P storms out of the guest room past Barney. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding..

CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. P I'm going to my mother's. rolls down the window. BARNEY I should kill you for this.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. He's already very drunk. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. P Animal! She drives away.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. P You tell her yourself! No. COTTAGE . starts the engine. 66. I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. then I'll come for you. HALL . your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. Barney right behind her. 94 INT. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. She gets in her car. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. He follows. DEN . and just for kicks. 92 93 SECOND MRS. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. 93 EXT. SECOND MRS. don't she has a root canal today. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake.COTTAGE . 92 INT.COTTAGE . 94 . P Bullshit.

67.. BARNEY Check the dining room. waves it around.S. BOOGIE You sly bastard .) I don't see any Scotch..you planned this all along. Boogie pours Barney a glass. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there.. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy. who reticently takes it. que sera sera. started talking you know how that goes .she brought me something to eat. He takes it out. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. * * * * * * * .tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. I'm going to need you to do something for me. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me. It was innocent enough to start with . Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first. but look here..

YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection.LATER There's more 68. You owe me.she wasn't too bad a poet. 95 INT.COTTAGE . Hey. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. sketch that's leaning against the wall. I borrowed for you. BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. Scotch in the kitchen. shmuck. More Scotch poured. 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers. DEN . I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. Listen. He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers . will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. actually. . BARNEY Neither was I.

BOOGIE I'm still working on it. 69. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. MASK AND FLIPPERS. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta.COTTAGE .BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. 96 EXT. I put the right books in your hands. You know what. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. BOOGIE Oh. you have. BARNEY You're a fraud. You must have a snorkel and flippers here. the gun still in his sweater pocket. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. I educated you. and look what you've become. 96 . SUNROOM . A TV hustler. Barney follows him out. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. man? I brought you in. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. Boogie pushes through the screen door.

CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock. 70. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. BARNEY Don't count on it. "The Life of Heinrich Heine". I will! . 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. I'll shoot. COTTAGE . who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. They break apart. bottle again. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. Absolutely nothing happened to me. Not your vicarious life. I am not your pet project.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. that's his fucking job". Not your hope. Boogie slips on the flippers. winded and woozy. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. you prick. BARNEY Boogie. and that's what you take as a personal offense. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. BARNEY FUCK YOU. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with. waddles onto the dock.

PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air. . BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A.

100 DEN . BARNEY Don't you fucking move. pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. see Boogie resurface. Boogie grins.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. still half drunk.one shot after another.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy. woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE.the gun FIRES -. starting from a distance and approaching fast. flying over a distant hillside. LATER The bottle now empty. C'mon. 101 EXT. spreads his arms wide. A silent rage boiling inside. It appears the gun fired into the air.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. tilts his head back. Barney drunkenly staggers forward. 99 INT. DECK ..DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN . snaps on the goggles and the snorkel.COTTAGE . DEN .COTTAGE . 98 INT..MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in.Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake.COTTAGE . do it! 71. but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction. Barney's passed out on the sofa. Barney turns and heads back up into the house. dampened cavity you think is a heart. BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 . 100 INT.COTTAGE . We can't be sure. Barney hits the bottle hard . Barney stares him down.

COTTAGE .S. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. . DOCK . younger. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT. slimmer. A POLICE BOAT out there too. There's a big fire a few miles east.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house. He's broken into a cottage.YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. Barney watches all this from the dock. O'Hearne saunters through the house. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat.) Busy day. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT. sipping the beer. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. O'HEARNE (O. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer. KITCHEN . healthier than we know him to be. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported.COTTAGE . steps up along side Barney.

YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. O'HEARNE Yeah. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . I guess. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. I 73. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. No shit. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. to me for protection. you did. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. BARNEY My first wife made that. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. in a plastic evidence bag. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead.

. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that. 74. sending him to the floor.the florist gave us her name . Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE After. .Miriam Grant. right through his fucking heart. then lays one into Barney's face. O'HEARNE So you did shoot him. O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . BARNEY Yeah.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin..

No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. You threatened to kill them both. but he attacked an officer of the law. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk. 75. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. IZZY You leave your hands off him. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. we'll find the body before sundown. you don't have a body. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. and now he's missing. . IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. talk to his lawyer. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once. Barney lifts himself to one knee. O'Hearne exits. Now you got anything else to say.. BARNEY Go to hell. O'HEARNE Very sweet. Unless you ate him. then again. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. when..YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife.

so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. some ice. grabs the envelope. dials. No body has been found yet. TV SOUNDSTAGE . CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . and signs the marked pages. Panofsky. alright. RECEPTIONIST Barney. Our hands are tied. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. Let me get you 76.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT. IZZY Alright. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. We've searched the area for three weeks. He rushes to the nearest phone. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So.

Beat.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. OFFICE .NEW YORK . MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. CUT TO: 107 INT. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. How about dinner? MIRIAM No. The phone rings. MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. Just once. BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch. BARNEY Please.RADIO STATION . well. 107 . that's it. I'm divorced.YELLOW 8-7-09 77. Miriam. Miriam chuckles.

and again.. Waiting. Alphonse Daudet. Long beat. 112 INT... four ties laid on the bed...DAY Barney splashes his face with water. This is idiotic.HOTEL RESTAURANT . 111 INT. The clock reads: 10:03 AM. Takes a deep breath. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. well chilled.. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite. 109 108 HOTEL . Herzog. great.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR. Waiting..MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. 110 He does the same again . A sunny morning in the big apple. clammy. 110 INT.NEW YORK CITY . 109 EXT. NEW YORK CITY ..DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear. drunk.MORNING Flying over Manhattan. BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon. pats himself dry. make that two bottles and two dozen roses. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men. at himself in the mirror. BATHROOM . CU .NEW YORK .MORNING Two pair of shoes." Barney drops his pen. HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT.... He starts pacing. Looks 112 111 . 78. Pours them over ice. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock.. three suits. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty.and again . HOTEL RESTAURANT . BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Then dials the concierge. Barney's seated at a table.

Champagne? This is an occasion. the Russian is too salty. BARNEY HI. She's a heart stopping vision. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. Sweaty. BARNEY Great.TABLE . pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79. 114 INT. MIRIAM Yes. HOTEL RESTAURANT . and no. Barney doesn't look so good. we should have champagne. nervous as hell..DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. (to waiter) Just the Champagne. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. And some Beluga. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. HOTEL RESTAURANT . Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. MIRIAM Hi. take your time. startling her. BARNEY Of course. pale. (MORE) . 113 Being led to their table.DAY From the bathroom.. The Iranian stuff.

have you read.. MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great. me. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY Wonderful..DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. desperately trying to hold it together. I know . we're finally here together.. Barney's panicking. There's so much I want to talk about... you.. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can. now we can celebrate. BARNEY Of course I did. Oh. I want to be clear on something. uh. Barney opens his collar... Miriam 115 . 115 INT. Perspiration forming on his brow... MIRIAM You hardly know me. 80. what's it called. pulls the bathroom door shut. The waiter arrives with the Champagne.. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway..BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. hold on.

Beat. 81. BARNEY I'm an idiot. Barney stirs awake.BLUE 6-25-09 Then. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet .) Room service. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . CUT TO: 116 INT. her legs crossed. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". VOICE (O.DAY 116 . there's a KNOCKING at the front door. reading the New York Times. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair. BARNEY Never.S. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. MIRIAM Don't be so modest.nice reference. by the way.

BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's.. I don't want it to happen. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged.CENTRAL PARK . Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. 118 EXT. credited to John Fitzgerald . MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up. and maybe a slice of pizza. MIRIAM There it was. And then he finally just runs out of steam. MIRIAM I'm still here. we'll get some fresh air. She pries his hands from his face. STREET . I'm absolutely starving. He covers his face and begins to MOAN. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term. Ever.. Off Barney's delight -117 EXT. Barney rambles on. 82.DUSK They stroll along the park. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time . or a break. The pause.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause. He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. Their body language now 118 117 . BARNEY Yeah.NIGHT They walk along the East River. Beat. EAST RIVER . "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. more intimate. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. He hardly even breathes between words.

Barney thinks hard. that's what scares me about you. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. (beat) It killed my mother. . He was my hero. He SNAPS it shut for effect. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. It's made up of little things . Mind and body. BARNEY Anything. and life is real. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. It devastated every part of her. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. Don't answer 'anything'. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. And that will never happen to me. 83. Miriam. and that has to be enough. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. That's not real. Right away. He knows he needs to come up with something good. MIRIAM See. Heart and soul. That's what gave her cancer. MIRIAM No. it's not. After all you've done to pursue me. BARNEY I would never do that to you. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. I'll do anything for you.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father.

tears already streaming down his face. 84. NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. She kisses him. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. Barney can't wait another second.COTTAGE . Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT. slow dancing. on the porch. Barney is out on the dock alone. grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. COTTAGE . She wraps her arms around him from behind. Guests are still up at the house. Only closest friends and family are in attendance. Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. you're not going to do that. drinking.NIGHT The party is winding down. DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy. DOCK . . It's a beautiful night. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend.DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. We're going to be needing it.

121 Barney and Miriam's apartment. (Where Barney still lives).DAY (1982) 84A. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . .YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT.

122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch.DAY 85.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Really? 123 INT. Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. His eyes filled with tears. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love.YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT. Barney. BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. put it in the freezer. He runs and leaps onto the bed. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. MIRIAM Oh.KITCHEN . BEDROOM . who is only a few months old. BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap.DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. Then it won't make you cry. BABY'S ROOM . Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 .

He closes his eyes. He opens his eyes. Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam. 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape. takes a deep breath. and his gorgeous wife. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. their feet up. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. smoking cigars. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. COTTAGE .LAKE . his children. drinking Scotch. .YELLOW 8-7-09 86. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. The sky a perfect orange hue. What? IZZY You did good. leaving it at that. holding onto this moment of perfection. A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT. The sun is setting.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him. kid. COTTAGE . DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. typical Izzy-ism.

just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor. COTTAGE . and again. The engine won't turn. Again . BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in. Tree hugger.DOCK . Harmless.S. . working up a big sweat.BLAIR (52). BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it. 129 EXT. BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. Birkenstocks.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . 87. Beat.it .harder. Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. He tries again. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back.MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow. Soft. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. BLAIR (O. angrier. He takes a breather. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No .thanks . Don't worry. dad. Michael stares blankly at him.

BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. but thank you. BARNEY What do you do. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio.KITCHEN . Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. tying his and Barney's boat up. 88. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. . BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. 130 INT. Really? At WZAJ. COTTAGE . BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. I just moved from New York.

MIRIAM That was nice of him. and I should paddle back before it gets dark.O. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". they all step outside.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener.DECK . They all say goodbye and Blair exits. As always. BARNEY (calling out) Michael. 131 EXT. RRRRR .PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. CU .NIGHT . then hops in his canoe. Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio.CONTINUOUS 89. 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock.KITCHEN . BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire. I'm Miriam Grant. Blair waves.BARNEY CRYING 132 . thank you for listening. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O.S.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose.upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly. CUT TO: 132 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Fire it up. MIRIAM (V. COTTAGE .) Yeah. And I re-attached the rip cord. It was lovely to meet the both of you.

.business suit. okay. He hangs up.DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him.. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT. briefcase.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together.. BARNEY Hello?. hi. Michael greets her at the door. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters . Barney is yelling at the TV. CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. I land at five.. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 . halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. love you. MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. Michael. TAXI .NEW YORK CITY . The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat. He answers. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner... A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with. The phone RINGS..YELLOW 8-7-09 90. MICHAEL'S LOFT .BROOKLYN .. I'll just grab a cab to your place.

wait-MICHAEL Good-night. Barney turns the TV off. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. BARNEY Michael. BARNEY MICHAEL. She heads off to the bedroom. Thank you. you wouldn't do it in the first place. Michael begins to follow. I have to get up early. MICHAEL Good night. Michael stops. of course. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. but is met with silence. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. Barney looks to Michael for backup. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. .BLUE 7-3-09 91. BARNEY Michael. I'm sorry. CAROLINE Turn that down please. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that.

BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's

92.

BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?

BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way

93.

MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137

From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --

GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.

94.

*

Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.

PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

95. 139

Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be

Anything

YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.

96.

CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141

as always. Jean. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. BARNEY Thank you. polishing off his wine. BARNEY I'll quit working. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. A hundred percent. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. (beat) I need to do this.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. travel. We both agreed that was important. soon Kate will be too. Whatever you want to do. Jean leaves. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. CBC RADIO STATION . BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. 142 INT. Barney sulks. get a Villa on Lake Como. MIRIAM It was important.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. I don't want you to.BOOTH . go to Italy. 97. I'm behind it. 142 . We'll retire early. So you could be here with the kids and me. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. But Michael's gone.

The ON AIR light turns OFF. BLAIR Really.HALLWAY .NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house.BARNEY'S CELL PHONE .NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. ringing. Miriam. I'm going to call Barney. Dalhousie. MIRIAM Thank you. Thank you. 98. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT .NIGHT Miriam hangs up. BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .Well. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. HALLWAY . Mr. GUEST It is was a pleasure. doesn't hear it.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM . 143 INT. Would you excuse me. Blair. He 146 The 145 144 143 . MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. GRUMPY'S BAR . BLAIR Of course. CBC RADIO STATION .CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM Stop it.on the bar. 145 INT. watching the hockey game. Thank you so much for coming in. 144 INT. Upset that Barney didn't answer.. 146 INT.. you're a natural. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. that's all the time we have.

YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. (MORE) You knew .CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. like you've done a thousand times before. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. MIRIAM Okay. 148 He's drunk 99.BEDROOM . quiet apartment. Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. 147 INT. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. BARNEY (beat) Yes. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. and trying very hard to be quiet. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .

fast.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. The good ones go 100. IZZY You should get one.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No. CEMETERY . But he's not very convincing. She turns the light OFF. IZZY Thanks. See that? That's alone. why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space. but no thanks.1972. we don't sleep apart. IZZY I'm not alone. 149 EXT. BARNEY I was thinking.1925 . Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. Wife to Izzy. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. Mother to Barney. Good night. . 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY .

No wife. . That's alone. No kids.PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. I'm going to be right here with your mother. (MORE) 100A.

Without a moment's pause. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her.NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan.. 151 EXT. Miriam sets down her book. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history. Mr.DINING ROOM . 152 INT. exhausted. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . He gets up and MIRIAM Barney.BEDROOM . IZZY I'm used to being without her. need to get laid. are over for dinner. THREE wives! 150 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. Miriam's reading. guests continue with their conversation. please don't smoke that. Long silence. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse.. IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out. BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DEN . much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. . brings a cigar back to the table. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch. Barney stares at the ceiling. Barney heads out to the den.NIGHT I 101.CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. You know it irritates Blair's asthma.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is.

Barney's eyes searching. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. He's at a loss. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time. EXT.? Barney nods. then enters.NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl.. 153 Barney groans. She stops in front of room #4. Reaches for the phone. The phone RINGS. Barney 153 154 INT. Beat.. She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall.RECEPTION . GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished. 102. The Madame. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 .NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. She takes his hand.. who is sobbing.. You made him so proud. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. parks right in front. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. the girl left the room to get a hot towel. MASSAGE PARLOR . MASSAGE PARLOR . At least he went happy. When she went back in.

Beat. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. Goldie shuts the door. patting his father's hand. Then he squeezes it tighter. MASSAGE ROOM . They share a quiet moment. leaving him alone. 156 INT.RECEPTION . pressing it to his forehead. The walls bare.LATER 156 Barney exits the room. half-grin on his face. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his. covered in a white sheet. MASSAGE PARLOR . Barney reaches into his pocket. The lighting dim. holding it with both his hands. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. peaceful. takes in the room. a box of kleenex. 155 Barney enters. He starts to laugh at the situation. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. and starts to cry.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. Izzy's body lays on the table.CONTINUOUS 103. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 .

.DEN . thanks. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION . Barney stares at the board. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY .. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O.then puts it back. Attorney.) No. Dad. 159 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104.NIGHT .. KATE What word is that? INSERT . KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn.stares at it quizzically . KATE You're missing half the letters.S.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch. Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate.? BARNEY Sorry. He sets down his pieces. BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused.SCRABBLE BOARD.

BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine. dad. I promise.. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. No. Barney watches her go. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. She cries as long as she needs to. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. I'll get it.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. They break apart. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. BARNEY Leave that. I know you're tired. He 105. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. KATE Let me. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. She gets up and starts to clean up. FLASHBACK TO: . I'll do it. KATE No. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. BARNEY It'll be okay. for her to start crying in his arms.. That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom.

you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. saying you no longer wanted to do it. LEO FASOLI (61). 161 * * * * * * * . LEO Andre Gide. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO.PAST (2003) 106. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute. She gives Leo a kiss. Barney and Blair watch from the booth. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend.BOOTH . But then you returned the money. What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. then extends her hand to Barney.DAY . Leo. CBC RADIO STATION . cara mia. 161 EXT. there's a sense of melancholy to him. along with Leo's flavor of the month.GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT. Leo Fasoli. the French author. He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. A LIMO waits right outside the door. Leo lights a cigarette. MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. CBC RADIO STATION . once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost".DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. For all his success. She slips into the limo. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist.

106A.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. . It's a real coup for Miriam.

They hug. Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. Miriam begins to clear the table. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? . Long silence.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. MIRIAM Guests don't clean. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. It makes me happy. She's an amazing 107. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. BARNEY Here's hoping. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. BLAIR Let me help you. Miriam heads to the kitchen. 162 INT.DINING ROOM . BLAIR I don't have it yet. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. woman. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Yes you did. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. They drink.

but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. MIRIAM Thank you for coming.. Push them. doesn't mean you can't be assertive. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that. it was a fantastic interview. DEN . congratulations. BLAIR I'm not gay. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month. INT. BARNEY I didn't think so. Blair exits. who is just lighting up a cigar.DOORWAY .CONTINUOUS . 164 . BARNEY A month? Jeez.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night. MIRIAM Thanks. and again. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal.to confront Barney. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses.. 163 164 INT. but-Miriam enters.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. don't be so soft. BARNEY Just because you're gay.

. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. BARNEY Okay. MIRIAM No. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. We're fighting about you. I'll take the week off. I think a little time apart will do us both good. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. Let's just skip that whole part. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher.

The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT. OFFICE . He's fidgety. he's scared to death. BARNEY My car was stolen. walks away. TAXI CAB . Barney grabs the keys. TV SOUNDSTAGE . RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. It's only a week .MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood.IN MEMORIAM. greets him with a smile. ON THE SET 167 . Find out what I have to do to report it. A RETROSPECTIVE.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married.okay? 110.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. I have the keys right here. RECEPTIONIST Good morning. Barney nods but he's not happy about this. Spring has arrived. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. 165 Barney rides in a taxi. Anxious.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . Barney. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. She gives him a kiss and exits. 166 The taxi 166 INT. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI .MORNING . The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. pulls away. Actually. Coffee in hand." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days.

A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. . young. SEXPOT (21).YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. ditzy. cast as the new Nurse.

Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. Barney continues his searching.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. I won't work out here. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. She's now directing the show. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. 168 INT. eager to tell him something. angry.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. tight outfit her character would have worn. He ducks out. SOLANGE (O. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. SEXPOT Oh. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. He's frustrated. BARNEY'S OFFICE . the gym for that. I go to 111. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. That's the point. Even though it's Barney's show.S. SOLANGE enters. 168 .LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. BARNEY Nope.

One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. Dead silence. Barney looks at the ticket.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. The machine REVS and GRINDS. He makes his choice.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . First Class. Solange follows. get over it. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. Solange fights back tears.. forcing them to raise their voices. 112. OFFICE . 169 INT. The coffee machine stops. The entire office watching them. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 .. Chanel glasses. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things.

FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.shit.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI.) Justin. DIES AT 66. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .FRONT PAGE BLURB . (CONT'D) 113. Barney stares back. Drops the paper on the table. BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago.KITCHEN . FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT. 171 He stares up at Scans the front page. Barney looks at his watch -. Something he reads upsets him." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. Hops up to get ready. NEIGHBOR (O. Barney turns back inside. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. he's late.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence. come on. INSERT .S. FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. 171 INT. BARNEY Fuck.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE . JUSTIN Hi Barney. we're late.FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . BACK TO: . A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. INSERT .

long time physician. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 .DAY Barney and Solange are in DR.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. (beat) Barney. BARNEY'S OFFICE .BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT. Just answer them.DAY . MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. DR. DR. there's no right or wrong. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. DR...PRESENT DAY 114. MANDEBAUM'S office. 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. BARNEY April. DR. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. Solange approaches him carefully. DR. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral.

Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. I can't even find the fucking thing.. goddamn it. Barney paces while on the phone.. put your mother on the phone.O.DAY .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal. DR. that's fucking embarrassing. * FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT.. DR.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment. dad. please.DEN . you know.. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Desperate 174 175* 175A INT.. then ringing. INTERCUT 175A* . MANDEBAUM Just answer it. and frantic without Miriam around... BARNEY A.) Hello? BARNEY Michael. 115.PAST (2003) Scotch in hand. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too. it's German.BROOKLYN . MICHAEL'S LOFT . MICHAEL (V. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello. (holding out phone) Mom. hi.

(beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. you did. That's a big thing. BARNEY I'm sorry. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today. I just needed that settled. MIRIAM I know.. (MORE) . well. I can't sleep without you beside me.. Please. That we'll be together forever. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. Come back 116. tonight. and that got me thinking and. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. MIRIAM Barney.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. please come home already. BARNEY I've learned my lesson. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you.

176 INT. 117. Barney looks around the big. GRUMPY'S BAR . going out of his mind. He's already quite drunk. not knowing what to do with himself. empty house. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. She hangs up. So they called him down for a final interview. MIRIAM Barney. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. I'm enjoying my week with my son. but I really do have to go. I love you. But I'm still not coming home today. Now I have to go. BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. BARNEY I love you. No way! Barney shrugs.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? .NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. Goodbye.

slow down. Now. And I need the results as soon as possible. MANDEBAUM Whoa. would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. I remembered you right away. DR. 180 INT.DAY Driving home from the airport . naked. 180 179 177 178 .DRIVING . Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. DR. whoa. 179 INT. BLONDE That's okay.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. Barney stares up at the ceiling. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT. BARNEY I need a test. Syphilis. I don't remember. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit.DAY Barney. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . Gonorrhea.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. Morty.NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. in a state of panic. Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. 118. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY'S CAR . Barney watches her walk away. AIDS-DR.DEN . sweaty and satisfied.

BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags.DAY They walk in from the airport. Go. (to Miriam) It's work.. The phone RINGS. talking from the other room.I'll put on some tea . Too nice. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen.. 119.and run you a bath. Barney's acting strange. MIRIAM It's good to be home. Problems on the set. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . KITCHEN .BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him.. MIRIAM I missed you. BARNEY I missed you too. she's in the mood for love. MIRIAM I have a better idea. . Both anxious and nice. 182 INT. Barney LEAPS to answer it.. Barney. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . relax. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water.

PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying.. You were acting so strange. I am.. 183 MIRIAM I don't know why. MIRIAM (O. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. so?. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. bye.. but I dialed star 69.S. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? . She has to sit down. 183 INT. I'll be in the bedroom. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. Thank 120.. He hangs up. BARNEY I'm not sick. MIRIAM The way you cough at night. Miriam exits. She's trembling. Barney walks into the bedroom. thank God. I'm not sick. The phone in her hand. oh.. Naked.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'.) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes. okay. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits.. Terrified. you. BARNEY Morty. Barney takes a deep breath. BEDROOM .

A KNOCKING at the door. Off Barney.NIGHT . Miriam is completely devastated. 120A. She storms out. BARNEY It meant nothing to me. We have a life.PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP .YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please. 184 . Miriam. completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM HAD a life.

O. Kate exits. all the way from Montreal. She nods . BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. Kate nods. her eyes filled with tears. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. BARNEY Easy. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck.that's for sure. Alphonse. Barney looks at her with surprise.DEN .MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. Kate is standing in the door watching him. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Alphonse. The door opens revealing KATE. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. You could use one. MIRIAM (V. KATE Here you go. 185 INT. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. hands him his drink.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" .a request from our ever faithful listener."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield.BLUE 7-3-09 121. kiddo. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks. Barney grins. FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? . And here's one for you Alphonse . She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on.

186 INT. He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . ungrateful prick. but your mother and I will work through this.YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator.DEN . Barney paces back and forth. MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. you miserable. BACK TO: 188 INT. BARNEY Watch your mouth. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT .KITCHEN . Michael then storms out of the house. his father.DAY .CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack.Barney shatters a framed photo. We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. Michael won't even look at his father. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. BARNEY Michael. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you. Back and forth. but she still loved you. . that no one can move or say a word. Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. It's so utterly shocking to both of them. Kate runs in and tries to stop him. I'm still your father. Her eyes puffy from crying. tearing the room apart. Barney SLAPS Michael. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. wait. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better.

BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. There. She steps to him and does his tie.CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. Kate is unsure what to do. STOP!! He finally stops.BEDROOM . 191 INT.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. let me do it. The elevator doors open revealing Solange. been.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. WALK-IN CLOSET . His eyes filled with tears. carrying two cups of coffee. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . in his best suit. 190 INT. They say nothing. while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. His frustration finally boils over. 123. PLEASE. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. He looks up her. SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent. SOLANGE Here. is trying but unable to do his tie. won't make eye contact. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. Barney. FADE OUT: 189 INT. . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .BARNEY'S APARTMENT . STOP.

PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. .GARDEN . Barney sits tight. elegant and graceful as she ever was. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. He takes one last look in the mirror. 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124. drinking a glass of sparkling water. She walks out first.DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. 192 AND 192A 193 EXT. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden. Every bit as gorgeous.

Solange -. BARNEY You look fantastic.PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. MIRIAM We can be friends now. I want you to be at peace with that. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? .all the important stuff in case I get lost. can't we? No. They sit. But I do have crib notes. She nods. MIRIAM You look great. but has to fight off tears instead. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. all know where this is going.. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. We had a beautiful marriage. but it's over. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. We 125. BARNEY We can't. She tries to laugh. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. (pulls out a paper) My address and number.. Kate's numbers. They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me.

Heaven. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT.GARDEN . which one he is supposed to use. 194 195 They grin with anticipation. 197 196 He can't remember .A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. Miriam slices through the moist.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. Barney and Miriam each have one. JEAN Bonjour. BARNEY Thank you. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure..RITZ CARLTON . She races over to Jean. Mmmm.MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat.DAY 126. 194 195 OMITTED EXT. 197 INT. LADIES BATHROOM .. Miriam hands him his fork. Carries it past her lips and savors. warm chocolate sponge. LATER CU . RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN . She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery. And they eat cake.

he paid the bill.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. why don't we go home.. CONGRATULATIONS. but forgot his wallet on the table. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. beat up WALLET. the kids are gone.THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. Jean hands her Barney's old. wondering why he said that. Without thinking why . takes her breath away. MIRIAM I thought I lost you. 198 INT. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. watch a movie.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. He's carried this on him all these years. I got so scared. 127. Miriam cocks her head. Barney is standing there.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY Lost me? Hey. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. The paper old and cracked. curl up in bed. BARNEY Look at you.she pulls it out.. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT . did you see Barney? JEAN No. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. you're practically shaking. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL . A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet. * . Madame.

producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. You're the one who dropped them off at school. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love.DAY ON TV . was the only suspect in the case. don't cry.NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain. She falls into his embrace. Boogie's bones with snorkel. 128. MIRIAM Let's get you home. the kids. He pulls her close. His friend. MOUNT ORFORD . and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch.. Barney Panofsky. flippers and goggles.? BARNEY Yeah. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby.. as happy as he's ever been. 199 . who went missing over thirty years ago. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids.

doesn't mean he didn't kill him. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 . Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. that. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over.BLUE 7-3-09 200 129. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him.COTTAGE . MICHAEL Okay. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. KATE (laughs) Oh. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. For years now. KITCHEN . REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height.

. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever. just in case she checked the number. They continue out to the -206 INT.CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. Kate drips honey into her tea.COTTAGE . Hands it to Michael. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. 130.CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. but it's true. Michael looks out onto the lake. While she signs the pages. To make her feel good. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. SUNROOM . It's a picture perfect day. Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. DEN . Daddy asked me to keep it going. Michael and Kate sit. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her.

She finishes signing the agreement. It's not fair to her. KATE Only until death do them part. She's married to Blair. but it's not relevant anymore. Hands it back. Miriam Grant Panofsky. Okay. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. Beat. Yeah. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. Leo Fasoli. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. 131. I leave our city condo. the original painting by my late friend. MICHAEL There's one last thing. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. * . done. MICHAEL I agree.

oddly. He didn't do it. Turns it back over again. 208 EXT. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. lights it. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. Michael turns the Banana over for him. MICHAEL Try it this way. Clips and . MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. Michael exits. COTTAGE . Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. KATE He's our father.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. KATE Stop it. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. even react to Michael's presence.DAY Michael 132.

The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. It pulls back up into the sky. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died. smoke it just fine. are a mystery to all. The plane descends toward the lake... if any. Barney is able to 133. Michael takes his father's hand. FADE TO: 209 EXT. is watching the plane too. watching them. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. Barney continues to puff on his cigar. KATE Standing on the deck. I'm so sorry. Watching this. holding it. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze. A perfect blue sky behind them. Blades of thick.. having gotten away from the young family previously. did you see that? He turns to Barney who. It opens its hull and drops its water load . 209 . Tears in her eyes. green grass flutter.. it suddenly comes together for Michael.. much to his surprise.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. dad..DAY Bright. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. just don't tell Kate. dad. His eyes light up with excitement. the hull closes... but his thoughts. Oh my God. CEMETERY . MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. He exchanges the banana for the cigar.

. 210 EXT. A view of the entire city. CEMETERY . 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down.as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers..GRAVE SITE .GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path. Her eyes moist with tears.beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END . Maybe the most picturesque spot ever. MOVING WITH MIRIAM .. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave. then starts back down the hill. she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips.2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE .DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery. the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 . 134.