This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
STREET . The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. BARNEY I've been 3. BARNEY How bad? Minor. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. Barney's daughter. BARNEY That's true. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. KATE Daddy. KATE He thought it was indigestion. it's still a heart attack. Putz. HALLWAY . carrying a bag and thermos.CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. where were you? calling all morning. Impotence is still on the table. Rushes out the door. 8 * * * KATE Dad. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? . He finds his keys.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. BARNEY The ringer was off. KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. 8A INT.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24).
BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. KATE Sure. It was your call that woke her. BARNEY So I saved his life. On the elevator doors closing we. .DRIVING . That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. CAR . CUT TO: 9 INT. I'm fine. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. Barney grins from ear to ear. The 4. KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah. I'm stepping in DING. the elevator. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at.. KATE My hero. elevator arrives. He steps in. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. (beat) I'll call you later.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night.. dad. filled with glee at this news. BARNEY I'll call you back. KATE You better.
O'MALLEY. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . the long running soap . O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. mid-50's and still handsome. The scene is painful for him watch. SOLANGE. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. KATE Love you. BARNEY Love you too.DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. 5. and sits in his producers chair. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. making a "house call" to the local bar.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. CUT TO: 10 INT. Great. 9A EXT. He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. TV SOUNDSTAGE . The CONSTABLE. originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. herself. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS .
SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. assistants. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. Barney pushes through a door. Yes I've seen today's paper. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. MARK Barney. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . story editors. 11 . BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. including MARK (40). no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. BARNEY That's in a year. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him.everyone still hot on his tail. let that be the end of it.YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. Everyone talking over each other. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. Barney whisks through the aisles . (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. MARK They're looking ahead. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. leading everyone into -11 INT. struggling to keep pace.
If we don't do it. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . Someone young. No way. BARNEY No. Barney heads into -12 INT. 12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. MARK They want to bring in a new face. No one under fifty watches the show.CONTINUOUS 7.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. this is our last season. BARNEY'S OFFICE . MARK They're not asking. I'll give her your job before that happens. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character. Maybe give Solange a sexy. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. She's been on the show since day one.
whoa. Solange. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. how do I look? Beat. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. Sexy as hell. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention. and he says-MARK Whoa. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. a real shark.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. They love me over there. Barney tosses the folder aside. Her tone . SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. instantly softens. Tell me honestly. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. MARK Barney.
14 INT. blotchy salmon red complexion. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. GRUMPY'S BAR .DRIVING . then takes a deep breath. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. Grossly overweight. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar.GRUMPY'S BAR.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. puts her game face on and storms out. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. Jill directs Barney down the bar. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. Not wanting to get into it. JILL He's had more than a few already. CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT. slamming the door behind her for effect. Barney busies himself with moving around papers.DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . slides off his barstool. She stops just before exiting. Barney ignores him. BARNEY'S CAR . Solange takes the cue. With a glance. around 60. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. 14 13 . 9.
I thought I'd buy you a drink. you're bound to go first. You'd never have the guts to cut him up. be a "mensch". then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. like you might say. I carved him up with a chainsaw. BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne. Barney looks at O'Hearne. Marvelling at his idiocy. 10. . my ass. Lawrence river. He's very drunk. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. Detective Sean O'Hearne". O'HEARNE Chainsaw. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. Look at you . O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. Barney opens the book . you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. dumped the parts in the St. share in the moment. I even signed it. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. If you won't tell me now. All the best.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. POUNDS it shut with his fist. none of this would have been possible without you. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription.
O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON.NIGHT . actor.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. Italian bearded artist. He slides the book back over to him. African American. sweetie. O'Hearne marches out. O'Hearne is right up in his face. Lively conversations overlap. (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about. BARNEY Your breath stinks.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. as we move around a crowded table. three fawning girls with him. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book.TRASTAVERE. ex-pats and plenty of girls. Barney's Algonquin Round Table. INSERT .PAST TITLE: ROME.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. Locals. and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. . 11. LEO FASOLI. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew . FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT. Copious amounts of food and drink. INTENSE stare. extremely handsome. JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. Panofsky. RESTAURANT . Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. ROME .
Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12. BOOGIE. Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again.. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula". LEO To Cedric. . I am now posse member number 4. So I tell him . Everyone toasts. CEDRIC I'm an actor. Who do I look like. Barney's best and most cherished friend.PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC . Tall and lean."Roberto. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. as you have in thought".. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him. living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria.
MARIA You look like a movie 12A. the Countess. kisses him deeply. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. star. The Countess then slides up to Boogie. then walks off to the bathroom.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. no less. LEO Where did you meet her? . A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. whispers something in his ear.
Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). pale and beautiful. I'm getting married.) To me. 13. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well.our very own patron of the arts. But enough about that. my High Priest. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates . I only sold one piece . gypsy shawl and skirt. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them.to Barney. Three months pregnant. . I want to hear about all of you. Leo. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. skinny. LEO The show was a bust. actually."not so good". BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. tall. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie.S. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. If you could find out AND get her name.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. that would be great. and slightly showing at her belly. Everyone toasts. CEDRIC Barney .
EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. Hymie back in Montreal. You're still my yummy yid.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. switches gears to soft and loving. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. curling herself around him like a cat. ROME STREET .BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. baby. She instantly To 14. the party around them continues on... Barney and Boogie lead the way. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. It's fucking humiliating. 16 EXT. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy.. the whole gang pours out into the street. He starts to soften. CLARA I'm sorry. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick. sharing a flask. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. You're not one of us. Barney scowls at Clara. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. She gets on his lap.
CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. I'm seeing. She's a conversation piece.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. come on. I'm exhausted. not a wife. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow. LEO Yeah. . Barney. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. 15. BOOGIE He's coming with me. who is quite smitten with him. you're not. CLARA Oh no. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. Oh. BOOGIE If you say so. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. Oh. yeah. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. and I'm fucking pregnant too. C'mon.
PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street. . 15A.
BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. Absolutely brilliant. They toast and drink. a pack of rolling papers. Hash . BOOGIE'S ROOM . on and off the table. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. BOOGIE We have to do it all. We only go around once. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16.everything under and behind the sun. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. this is brilliant. Barney. Horse. 17 INT.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. a small ball of TINFOIL. . But you can read it so far.HOTEL CISTERNA . Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. BARNEY Boogie. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. two packs of Gauloises. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside. 17 A bottle of Scotch. Opium.
Then one day. and now a shell of the hole she used to be. Barney looks at him dumfounded.Vanessa is the editor's wife. As reward.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. . Pious and pristine . BARNEY Let me guess .MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. INSERT . it's not finished yet. After an ungodly amount of drilling. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. her elasticity is restored. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. without warning or reason. And anyway. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being.
Clara is seven months pregnant. JUDGE I vistri passaporti.YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was. BARNEY (beat) C'mon. ahead of the others. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. . no one will think anything less of you. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. BARNEY Jesus. Boogie. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office. STAIRS . prego . CUT TO: 18 EXT. you don't have to go through with this. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. wearing a black veil.Bernardo Moscovitz. stop dicking around and finish your book already. we're already late.CAMPIDOGLIO . Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen. 18.DAY Wedding day. Leonardo Fasoli. Cedric. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up.CAMPIDOGLIO . Boogie. Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying.DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. helps her up the stairs. 19 INT. prego. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent.
I ran away on the honeymoon. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. Dumfounded silence. BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. Clara says nothing. is chiama Clara Chambers. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. They're locked in our attic. firmi qui. . firmi qui. Barney signs. CLARA Only two . CLARA (CONT'D) There.PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No.Yosel and Chaim.
(beat) You still love your crazy Clara. a child terrified of the thunder. clutching her black wedding veil. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . CUT TO: 21 INT. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. She may be crazy.NIGHT 20. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. but she has her odd charms. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. CLARA I'm sorry. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END. sketches and paintings. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems.DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. I figured they should know. .YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT. trembling with white knuckle fear.
in Italian) I need to find my wife . BARNEY I'm the father.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn.mi dispiace . (MORE) . Or maybe Charnofsky.Clara Panofsky. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. 21. (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry. DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. then to his charts. than back at Barney.I will speak in English.for our records. Barney is speechless. lights up a cigarette. Clara strokes his arm.DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. CLARA Oh Barney. 23 INT. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . Or Chambers. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino. look her in the eye. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father .HOSPITAL . 22 INT.
24 INT. chumps.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. Surprise. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. Barney looks at Boogie . CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 . 25 INT."what the fuck?".HOSPITAL . incredulous grunt.DAY 22. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. 24A EXT. Barney waits. I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. man.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. 24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . it's disgusting to look at. BARNEY Clara. The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. BOOGIE Easy. pours her a glass of water. He just lost a son. C'mon. CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door. he walks off. I'm ready to talk now. HALLWAY . CLARA Okay.
I did you a great favor.HOTEL CISTERNA . CLARA Oh look. Barney! Let's start over! Please. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. CLARA Come now. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. your insight is dazzling.CONTINUOUS 23. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl .someone who shops. the color's come back into your cheeks. Now you can finally go back home. CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. BOOGIE'S ROOM . 26 INT.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. STAIRWELL . 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney. 27 . I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food. Barney walks out and never looks back.
BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. I need you. ashtrays. that. I forgot. Clara. Shit. Yours. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust... Sorry..DAY Barney runs up the stairs. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. I think it's important we talk. STAIRWELL . feels for a pulse. KITCHEN . I'll even make latkes. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. Nothing..PINK 7-27-09 24. wakening to a POUNDING on the door.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove.. empty wine bottles. The candles completely burned away. I really do miss you. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V. 32 31 30 29 28 . 31 INT. 30 INT. BEDROOM . well up with tears. snoozing on the sofa. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side.. to a hung over Barney. I think it came a few days ago.DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two.VILLA DELLA FONTE . His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT.O. Please come for dinner tonight at eight.) Dear Barney. Barney drops to her. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. Barney reaches for the lighter. I'm sorry. the abstract painting of Leo's. 28 INT.DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry. 29 INT. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .
I'm Clara's father. BARNEY We lost him. (MORE) . Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. Charnofsky wanders in. Clara made it. drawn to look like Satan.BLUE 6-25-09 25. Clara's Sketches. stands there. CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. Clara's Paintings". CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. black hat. studying the apartment. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. Hands clasped behind his back. Barney steps to the side. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. He opens the door. An Orthodox Jew. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. (beat) She said her parents were dead. Rising unsteadily. CHARNOFSKY (50). Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. Your machuten. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach.
MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. "I'm not Jewish". She was a danger to everyone. It all started when she was twelve. but they provide us with an apartment. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. KITCHEN . That's when I started locking her in the attic. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. leave it outside the door. CUT TO: 33 INT. It's not a princely living. People think highly of her work. Tearing her hair out in clumps. Charnofsky finishes his drink. diaries. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. Ship them to my nephew. My wife wanted to die. He's a professor of literature at NYU. Poems. (MORE) . you said? Filth about me and her mother.BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. Pours himself another. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. He used to encourage her. My wife would bring her food. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. She would refuse to eat. You should have a publisher look at them. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. I'm sure. ink drawings. 33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now.
CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. 34 INT. BARNEY She was obviously sick. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . We did everything we could. but only God determines the outcome. It was a horror. the best in town. 27. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. Kupner.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . 34 . You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. BARNEY I think you should leave. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. went to Harvard.
BARNEY Get out NOW. He grabs the phone and dials.. Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books.? MICHAEL What? . 28. BARNEY Michael.BROOKLYN .KITCHEN . 36 INT. looking at the strainer quizzically. Barney's son. oysvorf. MICHAEL Hi dad.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. mamzer. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him.DAY . CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT. yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer. He pauses for a moment. It's ready. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. Turns the burner off. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26).. in his Brooklyn loft.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out. MICHAEL'S LOFT . Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
DAY . MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . Barney looks a little green around the collar.FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society. He's getting the hang of this. It could happen here. IRV (V. nowhere else. IRV This is my table.O.DAY . Not the numbers on his tax returns .GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. 41 INT. 44 .FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . insurance policy. A silver-haired. Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2. insurance policy.NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen.COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . I'll give you the target's annual income. Israel is our insurance policy.the real numbers. 32. fat cat.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. CUT TO: 44 INT. You sit here. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. now seated. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here.DAY . Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. BARNEY It could happen here. IRV'S CONDO . BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. 43 INT. you tell him. 40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT.
we get that. The ultimate . it's all the same dance. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. They're hitting it off. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. voluptuous.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. BARNEY Irv. Irv's told me all about you. IRV Listen. but it could happen here. P (30). Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. and she's a real looker. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. Sit. Irv escorts Barney away. but tell Marv about the TV deal. Cute. TARGET 1 Absolutely. SECOND MRS. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. boychick? Fundraising. she has a master's from McGill. SECOND MRS. P You must be Barney. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. IRV Gentlemen. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. stylishly dressed. Now listen. I got a girl I want you to meet. producing. I don't need to be set up. 'JAP'.
BARNEY So. that's the housekeeper. P Mr. Her grating qualities aside.. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. IZZY I got it. dad. ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad.. They reach the door. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. 46 INT.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. walk up the steep steps. FORMAL DINING ROOM . Maybe Irv's right. 45 EXT. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. kid. IZZY Swanky. remember. P'S PARENTS MANSION . she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). SECOND MRS. Don't worry. THE SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -. watch the language and mind the manners. 34. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS . his father.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. Polish housekeeper.LATER Classical music. fine china. stares at them coldly. having been a detective and all. A short. Panofsky. .
FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. he likes to push (MORE) 35. Big score for a rookie. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. BARNEY He means unnecessarily. I ain't gonna work for free. call me Izzy. IZZY Look. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. So I toss three in the back. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers .you figure it out". And I was just a beat cop. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. that's so dangerous. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. throw the fourth across the hood. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. when a feller is young and you give him authority. .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please. then haul 'em all in. and I'm trying to play it by the book. gorgeous.
35A. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. And most of the time I was.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around. .
Everyone continues eating. he hasn't slept for days. It's been two months since I last heard from you. But you're the one with the mansion on the hill. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat. P. Barney flinches.. P raises their glasses.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. Izzy. Let's make a toast. Barney and The Second Mrs.what a sweet little casserole you are. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs. IZZY I call it like I see it. Cutlery tinkling. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds.DRIVING . P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . You never know what tomorrow brings. CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. CAR . P squeezes Barney high up his leg.GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. . then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs.MONTREAL AIRPORT . So get to shtupping and multiply already. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs. Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up. Under the table Mrs.. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping.
and his ushers: IRV. Anyway. BARNEY That. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. all with the same haircut. A huge affair. and her PARENTS . P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. . RECEPTION HALL . I have no doubt of. THE SECOND MRS. BOOGIE Listen. I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. 49 INT.no questions asked. 48 INT. have I got stories for you. man.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot.NIGHT 37. Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. BARNEY C'mon.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. you haven't even met her yet. CEREMONY HALL .still hoping this is just a nightmare. BARNEY Fuck me. BOOGIE. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests. LEO and even CEDRIC.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. wiping tears of joy. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride.
RECEPTION HALL . LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. 52 INT. Shit. P. Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU . Barney downs another shot. BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored.NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. . Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game. P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -. RECEPTION HALL . He joins Barney. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .The Second Mrs. RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY What's the score? One .GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT. then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs. 51 INT. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain. PLATES LAND at various tables.NIGHT 38.zip.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE.
Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. Then more shots. .GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. * * They all do a round of shots. The Second Mrs. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. shots.
knowing Izzy.GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. loves every minute of it. . The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes. Irv.
what's in your pocket? . maybe you should tone it down a little. except for Irv. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon. the ENTIRE TABLE. Anyway.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight.but we do it for appearances. 39.I never bust the girls.he comes at me with a chair.. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit . like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr. As Barney escorts Izzy away. 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. there are ladies present. RECEPTION HALL . What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here. But then. disperses. love him more. Barney gives his father a big hug. Panosfky.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . I'll be right back. IZZY What. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. 53 INT. BARNEY Dad.. they provide a valuable service . can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time.
Gorgeous. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. Barney stomps off. BARNEY Thank you. classy. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. but then cuts right back -(O. BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink.) . Gets his father in law in his sights.S. no. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink. Barney is mesmerized. They walk to the bar. I want you to have it. Slide out their glasses for refills.. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . Just as he is about to reach him. BARNEY I don't know what to say. striking eyes. pushing through the crowd.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. don't embarrass me. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. forget it. 40.. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. From inside his jacket. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner.MIRIAM GRANT (28). Barney turns away. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks.
BARNEY Perfect. She laughs. (CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television.NIGHT 41. Miriam . That's something he can never tire of. not to mention really drunk. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. RECEPTION HALL . MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. 54 INT.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager. I'm Barney. Father-In-Law is speechless. BARNEY We haven't met yet. BARNEY That's the name of my company. I'm Miriam.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . MIRIAM Thank you for having me. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. Barney walks right up to her. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. He's my father and he'll have your respect.
MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand.readers. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. BARNEY YES. BARNEY Oh. the workers favorite story was. It's a Montecristo. * * * MIRIAM Who's winning? . As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. I wouldn't want it to bother you. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. that's okay. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . Entertainment to make the day pass better. She grabs a box of matches from the table. the Count of said name. BARNEY Lectors. MIRIAM Please. you guessed it. MIRIAM Nice touch. The entire moment incredibly intimate. BARNEY The hockey game. 42.
LATER RECEPTION HALL .) . P directly behind him. * MIRIAM No. and with perfect manners. She's such a snob that one. MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . He stands. MIRIAM Congratulations again.NIGHT 55 (O. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome. but I do read newspapers. works in radio now.S. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. P She went to McGill with me.no .why? SECOND MRS. Anyway. He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS.sure . Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. hockey? You follow 43. I have a train to catch later. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . 55 INT. rises and extends her hand.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. P I see you met Miriam. P Barney? The Second Mrs. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand.
GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. he's drunk and looks miserable. P appears behind him. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . seriously.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. Boogie sits beside him. coked-up nose. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. P Oh Barney. wiping his sniffling. BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. The Second Mrs. INSERT . BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. 44. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. Boogie. BARNEY Thanks for being here. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * .NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. SECOND MRS. for the first time in my life I am truly. I almost forgot. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. draping her arms around his neck. So am I. It's raining. Smart as a whip too. CONGRATULATIONS. so am I. Cars are honking. Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. 56 EXT. irretrievably in love. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. MIRIAM. They knock glasses. His tie loose around his neck.
He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM. She takes them off. Barney grins from ear to ear. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. 58 . Just being able to look at her makes him feel good. where a porter is checking passengers tickets. whom he finally spots. BARNEY I like you with glasses. looking for Miriam. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. Shuts her book . overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria.GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT.Herzog by Saul Bellow.NIGHT 45. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . sprints down the stairs into the station. Thinking fast on his feet. He drops into the seat next to her. TRAIN . MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. She's stunned.S.on your WEDDING NIGHT. engrossed in a novel. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met .NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train. or stay with me. passing from car to car. She's wearing her reading glasses... bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. soaking wet. 58 INT. 57A* * Barney.
CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train.) 46. (O. TRAIN PLATFORM . CONDUCTOR I. Barney finally concedes. at a funeral.S. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him. just like that. He stands . watching him still chasing after her. MIRIAM Go home. That smile is enough to melt his heart.D.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens. Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. Barney. but won't look at him. Barney gets off the train. Beat. Among other things.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. BARNEY I don't have I. It's happened. or a ticket. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. on my death bed. Every word he says .the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. . sits at the window. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform. It really does. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. 59 INT.D. tickets..NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed.
Everyone falls silent. P Oh my God.DAY 61 On their honeymoon.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. Barney steps inside. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. SECOND MRS. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome.ROME . THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. 60 * Ripped pants. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No. bloody knee and palms. THE SECOND MRS. 47. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA .GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. the hospitals. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. Oops. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. The Second Mrs. The Second Mrs. I could have told you what it was for. * CUT TO: 61 EXT. I was so ferklempt Dr. .he's a mess. Barney and The Second Mrs. SECOND MRS. P runs out and wraps herself around him. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. P'S PARENTS MANSION .
sure.HOTEL .DAY 64 The Second Mrs. I'm just saying. SECOND MRS.. tell Daddy I love him. Ma. DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT. P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment.. you should see the bathrobes we've got here... Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie. Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. That perks him up 48.. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE.. Of course I will. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads.ROME .ROME . I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you.HOTEL .. P (into phone) --It's from Dior. slightly. P (into phone) --Ma. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y. I'll talk to you tomorrow. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. Okay. P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother. and the soaps are to die for. CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT.. Arlene will die on the spot. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother..DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs.. I'll talk to you tomorrow. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it.H.. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?..YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. HONEYMOON SUITE . HONEYMOON SUITE . Okay.. .M..A.
we do have a big family. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. Jeff is gay. BARNEY You certainly do. the one in the blue dress. Right. P Good? SECOND MRS. BARNEY Jeff seems gay. SECOND MRS. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. P Well. I think she was from New York. My cousin Jeff brought her. SECOND MRS. P Miriam Grant. Oh good.. BARNEY Who was she again? 49. She gets onto the bed beside him.YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. the family. Beat. P He just pretends for BARNEY . P She was a few years behind me at McGill. I didn't even invite her.. And what about that girl. SECOND MRS. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding.
I'm late.DAY .CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner.DAY . SECOND MRS.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. 50. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. MONTREAL STREET . KATE That's okay. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. Nap? SECOND MRS. P I don't think so. The Second Mrs.BOOKSTORE . 66 65 . BARNEY Sorry. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. SECOND MRS. The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. COFFEE SHOP . P With soap? BARNEY Yes. She dives back under and starts in again. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. 66 INT. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. Hurrying down the street. SECOND MRS. I took a cab. gracing its cover. I just got here. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL. P Okay. Barney squeezes through the crowd. a highly invasive procedure.but then POPS back up.
Before that. BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. KATE Dad. BARNEY By what? KATE By you. (to cashier) Two double espressos. . BARNEY I've upset Claire.is not going to happen. my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth . The man still can't fly out of the country. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. No crazies today. you opt for something infinitely worse.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website.this . (to Kate) Continue. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing. (to Barney) You do something awful. flaxseed . but instead of trying to make up for it. haven't I? 51.perplexed.
Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. he's a nasty piece of work. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. BARNEY Funny. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. BARNEY He stole her from me. They're happily married. Stick to the facts. BARNEY They're married. I have a date. I'm sorry. 67 EXT.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. but it's time to let it go. She got remarried. it's time to lay off Blair. You got divorced. KATE My point is. 67 . KATE No he didn't. They get their coffees and walk to the door.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. 52. STREET . BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually.
DRIVING . 69 . DECK . Barney stops walking.DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. KATE (CONT'D) Confused. 53. 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. BARNEY'S CAR . What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab.MONTREAL BRIDGE . I think that's a sign of maturity.DAY Barney drives out of the city. BARNEY'S CAR . reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE".YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice. (laughing it off) Well. I definitely need a weekend in the country. 68 Looks around.DRIVING . BARNEY Right. Probably a squirrel. Macallan's.COUNTRY ROAD . I like him. 67A INT/EXT. Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love. behind him.COTTAGE . We'll see. A Montecristo.NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. A RUSTLING comes from the woods. 69 EXT.
DAY . Waiting for something to appear.S. Look at her. TV SOUNDSTAGE . O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. Barney stands. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. nurse.) Great. From a distance. leans on the wood railing. low cut outfit. CUT! DIRECTOR (O. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. this time a little closer. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. Something RUSTLES again. Hoping. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. O'MALLEY Thank you. Wearing a tight. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. Constable. . she's a total knockout. their business. turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. We now see why she was originally hired.PINK 7-27-09 54. trying to see through the darkness. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead.
MIRIAM Well.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney.OFFICE . MIRIAM Barney. NEW YORK RADIO STATION . 71 72 . BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. I'm sorry. words matter. INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers. BARNEY I know. (MORE) 55. Why don't we talk about it over lunch. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word.SOUNDSTAGE . I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is. 71 INT. OFFICE .DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT. there's a call for you. Actions They have consequences. this has to stop. Really? matter. and the gifts every week it's something else. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way.
rearranging knick-knacks.. I'm watching my figure.. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead. feeling like progress is being made.. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. P flutters about. yes.MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously. exactly. The Second Mrs. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act... SECOND MRS.. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood... Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. Ma. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. you understand me. what did I say wrong?. 74 INT. then act accordingly.. 73 EXT. P'S HOUSE . as you have in thought". (curt) I have to go.. Do Barney smiles. .. BARNEY I'm so happy you called. 56. No. SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. P who decorated it. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated. Thank you. P'S HOUSE . you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. Barney? BARNEY Yes. With the phone tucked to her ear.
. I will. SECOND MRS..CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. To the king of Macedonia.. SECOND MRS. I know it's disgusting. P BARNEY..tuning her out completely. who do you think?. SECOND MRS. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place... 75 SECOND MRS. I had to fire the maid. No.you were at the game last night. She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs. Listen. Ma... I have to go. deciding on something to hang. Okay. It makes her gag. Barney continues reading . P Tell me something . THIS IS IMPORTANT!! . She hangs up. Looks at Clara's drawing again. you asked!. I wasn't talking to you. BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house.. SECOND MRS. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth..YELLOW 8-7-09 57. SECOND MRS.. Goodbye. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going... She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT.. We just changed all the carpets. I'll pick you up at noon.. ma. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. KITCHEN .. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out.
BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS. In bad shape. This is what marriage is. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. FLEABAG HOTEL .DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time.* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. 76 EXT. Talking. BARNEY Just get in. 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. Communicating. P THIS. * * . His appearance is shocking to Barney. high. Boogie gets in the car. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. I had to fix one more time. couple days.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. Boogie emerges from the building. I was on a fifteen hour flight. BOOGIE C'mon. See you in a 58. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. stumbles toward Barney's car.
THE SECOND MRS. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. SECOND MRS. . 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat. BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. 79 INT. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . SECOND MRS.COUNTRY HOUSE . 80 He's out cold. P I thought I'd surprise you. GUEST BEDROOM . SECOND MRS. P is on the porch. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. COTTAGE . 80 79 INT. it's called rehab. potatoes. and he needed somewhere safe to kick.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. drinking wine. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. Barney helps Boogie up the steps. greens. P Yeah. BARNEY Surprise. A roast.COTTAGE . P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes.DAY 59.
Barney storms out to the DECK. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. 81 He won't look her in the eye. are we ever in for a good time this weekend.COUNTRY HOUSE . SECOND MRS. . BARNEY Jesus Christ. SECOND MRS. DECK . P You don't know the half of it. P Be a man. 60. I called the florist. 81 EXT. no hesitation. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this.CONTINUOUS She follows him out. While usually discreet about their clients. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. P Stop. Barney. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. Look what I found while going through your pockets. Barney stares out at the lake. This is ridiculous. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. P Well played. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up.
I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto.COTTAGE . so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. GRUMPY'S . Call you later . 82A 83 OMITTED INT. She goes back inside. COTTAGE .Barney". You say you've never been unfaithful. The Second Mrs. Fuck you. is a true country paradise. I don't understand what you want anymore. SECOND MRS. 82 EXT. 83A EXT. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her. Now it's been months since we made love. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day. P No. And you are such a liar. It hurts her like hell. P Shmuck. but she's not going to cry in front of him. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. KITCHEN . . It was the happiest moment of my life.MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes. The calm of the lake.DAWN 61.DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.
Barney drops down across from him. GRUMPY'S BAR . Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. (MORE) . IZZY Boychick. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. listen. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. IZZY Jesus Christ.YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. 84 Two Scotches on the table. I know how hard marriage can be.DAY 62. BARNEY I have to get a divorce. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. Beat. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else.
BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. 63. IZZY She's a tough cookie. If you divorce her. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. and then real life starts. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater . Let's take a good. Beat. Many successful marriages were built on far less.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. . BARNEY You know how rich her father is. flaky kugel and has a great rack. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. makes a nice.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. hard look at the situation. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. ain't life grand.
I'm too drunk to drive tonight.MORNING Still hungover. SECOND MRS. Barney drives up to the cottage. 64.COUNTRY ROAD . IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely. 87 86 .DRIVING . The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM. IZZY Alright then. He considers responding.. BARNEY'S CAR .. COTTAGE . Scotch.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. 87 INT. BARNEY'S HOUSE .) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch. Cigar. but then just hangs up. SECOND MRS. let's do this. P (O. chugging coffee. He opens the door to find. 85 INT. my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. 86 INT/EXT.S. 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow.S. BARNEY Miriam.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom. Walks down the hall. P (O.MORNING Barney enters the house.
Barney is frozen with shock. SECOND MRS. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process.CONTINUOUS 65. his sheets were soaked.BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. moaning. 90 INT.COTTAGE . naked. she throws on whatever clothes she can find. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. GUEST BEDROOM . he smiles. P I brought him something to eat. P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in.. HALL . I still don't know how he got my nightie off. BARNEY It must have been magic. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding. 89 INT. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. Kicking and screaming. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room. P storms out of the guest room past Barney.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie. SECOND MRS. .. P. BEDROOM . 88 The Second Mrs. HALL ..COTTAGE ..CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears.. Things are looking up for him. Once it does.COTTAGE . The Second Mrs. he was trembling. SECOND MRS.. then. P This is all your fault.COTTAGE . you bastard. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS. BARNEY My wife and my best friend.
P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. rolls down the window. P Animal! She drives away. starts the engine. She gets in her car. He follows. Barney right behind her. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. 94 . 94 INT. P Bullshit. P You tell her yourself! No. 93 EXT.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. 92 INT. BARNEY I should kill you for this. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. 92 93 SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.COTTAGE . He's already very drunk. and just for kicks. COTTAGE . don't she has a root canal today. then I'll come for you.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. 66.COTTAGE . I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this. P I'm going to my mother's. HALL . DEN .
BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. I'm going to need you to do something for me. BARNEY Check the dining room. 67. but look here. * * * * * * * .) I don't see any Scotch. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. que sera sera.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first.. started talking you know how that goes . who reticently takes it.. Boogie pours Barney a glass.tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me. BOOGIE You sly bastard . waves it around.she brought me something to eat. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.. He takes it out.S. Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie.. It was innocent enough to start with . Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife.you planned this all along.
95 INT. sketch that's leaning against the wall. shmuck. Listen. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection. You owe me. .she wasn't too bad a poet. Hey.COTTAGE . I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers . DEN . BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. I borrowed for you.LATER There's more 68. actually. BARNEY Neither was I. More Scotch poured.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers. Scotch in the kitchen.
96 EXT.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. Boogie pushes through the screen door. You know what. you have. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. You must have a snorkel and flippers here.COTTAGE . BOOGIE I'm still working on it. the gun still in his sweater pocket. and look what you've become. 96 . I put the right books in your hands. man? I brought you in. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta. Barney follows him out. BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. I educated you. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. BOOGIE Too fucking bad.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. SUNROOM . MASK AND FLIPPERS. BARNEY You're a fraud. BOOGIE Oh. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both. 69. A TV hustler.
Not your vicarious life. BARNEY Boogie. bottle again. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. They break apart. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. winded and woozy. BARNEY Don't count on it. waddles onto the dock. BARNEY FUCK YOU. I'll shoot. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with. COTTAGE . "The Life of Heinrich Heine". 70. I will! . Not your hope. 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. you prick. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. and that's what you take as a personal offense. I am not your pet project.CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. Absolutely nothing happened to me. that's his fucking job". BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. Boogie slips on the flippers.
.PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air. BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A.
but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction.COTTAGE . tilts his head back.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. dampened cavity you think is a heart. 101 EXT. It appears the gun fired into the air..one shot after another. starting from a distance and approaching fast. pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. Barney stares him down. We can't be sure.Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake.COTTAGE . BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 . 100 INT. Barney hits the bottle hard . flying over a distant hillside. BARNEY Don't you fucking move. 98 INT. A silent rage boiling inside.COTTAGE . see Boogie resurface. do it! 71. 100 DEN . woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. Boogie grins.DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN . still half drunk. Barney turns and heads back up into the house. DEN . Barney drunkenly staggers forward. spreads his arms wide.the gun FIRES -. DECK . LATER The bottle now empty. Barney's passed out on the sofa.COTTAGE .MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. snaps on the goggles and the snorkel.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy. C'mon.. 99 INT.
KITCHEN .S. steps up along side Barney. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house. Barney watches all this from the dock.COTTAGE . emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT. slimmer. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. He's broken into a cottage. DOCK . DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. A POLICE BOAT out there too. sipping the beer. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far. healthier than we know him to be. There's a big fire a few miles east.YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT. . 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall.COTTAGE . younger. O'Hearne saunters through the house.) Busy day. O'HEARNE (O. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer.
O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . you did.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. in a plastic evidence bag. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. No shit. I guess. I 73. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. to me for protection. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. BARNEY My first wife made that. O'HEARNE Yeah.
Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin. O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. O'HEARNE After.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk.the florist gave us her name . . 74.. sending him to the floor.Miriam Grant. Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere.. BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . right through his fucking heart. then lays one into Barney's face. O'HEARNE So you did shoot him. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that. BARNEY Yes.
and now he's missing. Now you got anything else to say. but he attacked an officer of the law. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. IZZY You leave your hands off him. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. then again. we'll find the body before sundown. . 75.. O'Hearne exits. Unless you ate him. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. you don't have a body. Barney lifts himself to one knee. O'HEARNE Very sweet. talk to his lawyer. BARNEY Go to hell. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife.. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. when. You threatened to kill them both.
YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT. We've searched the area for three weeks. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. dials. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. and signs the marked pages. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. Panofsky. Our hands are tied. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. Let me get you 76. O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright.DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. RECEPTIONIST Barney. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. TV SOUNDSTAGE . alright. grabs the envelope. He rushes to the nearest phone. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . IZZY Alright. No body has been found yet. some ice.
Miriam. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam.YELLOW 8-7-09 77. CUT TO: 107 INT. BARNEY Please.NEW YORK . The phone rings. 107 . Just once. I'm divorced. that's it. MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No.RADIO STATION . well. How about dinner? MIRIAM No. OFFICE . Beat.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. Miriam chuckles.
The clock reads: 10:03 AM.and again . three suits. Waiting. Barney's seated at a table. 109 EXT. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men. Takes a deep breath.. great. four ties laid on the bed. Long beat. A sunny morning in the big apple. HOTEL RESTAURANT . BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon.NEW YORK .." Barney drops his pen...HOTEL RESTAURANT .MORNING Two pair of shoes.DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd...DAY Barney splashes his face with water.. 109 108 HOTEL . He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter. 110 INT. 78.. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty. Herzog. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches.MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. at himself in the mirror.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR.and again. Waiting. This is idiotic. Looks 112 111 . well chilled..YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear. BATHROOM . 111 INT.. CU . HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT. make that two bottles and two dozen roses. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. clammy. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . 112 INT. Pours them over ice. NEW YORK CITY . Alphonse Daudet. pats himself dry. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite.. Then dials the concierge.NEW YORK CITY . He starts pacing.MORNING Flying over Manhattan. drunk.. 110 He does the same again .
DAY From the bathroom. 114 INT. pale. take your time. And some Beluga. the Russian is too salty. She's a heart stopping vision.DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. MIRIAM Hi. Barney doesn't look so good. HOTEL RESTAURANT .TABLE . startling her.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT . (MORE) . and no.. Champagne? This is an occasion. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. MIRIAM Yes. nervous as hell. BARNEY Great. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. Sweaty. 113 Being led to their table. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. we should have champagne. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant.. don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. The Iranian stuff. BARNEY Of course. BARNEY HI. (to waiter) Just the Champagne.
.. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . desperately trying to hold it together. Barney opens his collar. Barney's panicking. me. BARNEY Wonderful. Oh.. we're finally here together. MIRIAM You hardly know me. I want to be clear on something. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM.. Miriam 115 . give me a second-MIRIAM Barney.have you read. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. Perspiration forming on his brow. There's so much I want to talk about. BARNEY Of course I did..BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here. now we can celebrate.DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. The waiter arrives with the Champagne.. what's it called. MIRIAM Barney. pulls the bathroom door shut. I know . uh. hold on.... I hope you didn't get divorced on my account. 80. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can. 115 INT.. MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great... you.
MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet . Beat. there's a KNOCKING at the front door. reading the New York Times. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair. Barney stirs awake. VOICE (O.) Room service. BARNEY Never. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. BARNEY I'm an idiot. 81. CUT TO: 116 INT.S. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. by the way.BLUE 6-25-09 Then. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. MIRIAM Don't be so modest. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics".DAY 116 . her legs crossed.nice reference.
MIRIAM There it was. Barney rambles on. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. I'm absolutely starving.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. And then he finally just runs out of steam. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged. Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. EAST RIVER . Ever. and maybe a slice of pizza.. Off Barney's delight -117 EXT. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term. I don't want it to happen.DUSK They stroll along the park. more intimate. 118 EXT. or a break. Beat. STREET . Their body language now 118 117 . The pause. credited to John Fitzgerald . MIRIAM I'm still here. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. BARNEY Yeah.. She pries his hands from his face. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. He hardly even breathes between words. He covers his face and begins to MOAN. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up. He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks.NIGHT They walk along the East River. we'll get some fresh air.CENTRAL PARK . Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time . 82.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause.
That's what gave her cancer. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. and that has to be enough. After all you've done to pursue me. MIRIAM No. BARNEY I would never do that to you. Barney thinks hard. MIRIAM See. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. It's made up of little things . He SNAPS it shut for effect. it's not. It devastated every part of her. That's not real. Don't answer 'anything'. (beat) It killed my mother. 83. BARNEY That's a bit unfair.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. Heart and soul. He knows he needs to come up with something good. Mind and body. Miriam. I'll do anything for you.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. and life is real. BARNEY Anything. . that's what scares me about you. He was my hero. Right away. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. And that will never happen to me.
grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. tears already streaming down his face. COTTAGE . NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. slow dancing. 84. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. Barney is out on the dock alone. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. Guests are still up at the house. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. It's a beautiful night. DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT.NIGHT The party is winding down. Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend. She wraps her arms around him from behind. Only closest friends and family are in attendance. on the porch. . Barney can't wait another second. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. drinking.DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. DOCK .COTTAGE . Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. you're not going to do that. We're going to be needing it. She kisses him.
.DAY (1982) 84A. (Where Barney still lives).YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT. 121 Barney and Miriam's apartment. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
KITCHEN . each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 . He runs and leaps onto the bed. BARNEY Really? 123 INT. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap. 122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. who is only a few months old. put it in the freezer. BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. BABY'S ROOM .DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers. Then it won't make you cry. Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT. MIRIAM Oh. BEDROOM . His eyes filled with tears.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib.DAY 85. Barney.
DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. . and his gorgeous wife. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. kid. Izzy puffs away on his cigar.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. What? IZZY You did good. COTTAGE . holding onto this moment of perfection.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. drinking Scotch.YELLOW 8-7-09 86. 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape. COTTAGE . Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam. He opens his eyes. their feet up.LAKE . takes a deep breath. A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT. The sun is setting. He closes his eyes. leaving it at that. his children. The sky a perfect orange hue. typical Izzy-ism. smoking cigars.
dad.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. The engine won't turn.BLAIR (52).just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. Soft. and again. He tries again. Tree hugger. Michael stares blankly at him.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. . Don't worry.thanks . COTTAGE . Again . BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it.S. Birkenstocks. BLAIR (O. Beat. Harmless.DOCK . BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. 129 EXT. He takes a breather. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No. working up a big sweat. angrier.MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow.it . 87. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in.harder. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No .
but thank you. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan. COTTAGE . .KITCHEN . Really? At WZAJ.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. 130 INT. tying his and Barney's boat up. BARNEY What do you do. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. 88.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. I just moved from New York. * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it.
CONTINUOUS 89. CUT TO: 132 INT. MIRIAM (V. They all say goodbye and Blair exits. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 131 EXT.O.DECK . Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". then hops in his canoe. BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire.BARNEY CRYING 132 .NIGHT . It was lovely to meet the both of you. BARNEY Fire it up.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener. Blair waves. BARNEY (calling out) Michael.S. And I re-attached the rip cord. MIRIAM That was nice of him. they all step outside.) Yeah.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose. 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock. CU . RRRRR . COTTAGE . As always.KITCHEN . and I should paddle back before it gets dark. thank you for listening. I'm Miriam Grant. Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly.upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor.
halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. The phone RINGS. A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with. Barney is yelling at the TV.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together... The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref. MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. He answers.business suit. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT.BROOKLYN . TAXI . briefcase. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters . Michael greets her at the door..YELLOW 8-7-09 90. love you. MICHAEL'S LOFT . CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT.NEW YORK CITY . He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner.. hi.. CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. Michael. okay. BARNEY Hello?. He hangs up..DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him... I land at five. I'll just grab a cab to your place. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 .
Michael begins to follow. . BARNEY Michael. Thank you. Michael stops. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. Barney turns the TV off. wait-MICHAEL Good-night. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. of course. but is met with silence. BARNEY Michael. Barney looks to Michael for backup.BLUE 7-3-09 91. BARNEY MICHAEL. you wouldn't do it in the first place. She heads off to the bedroom. MICHAEL Good night. I'm sorry. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. I have to get up early. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. CAROLINE Turn that down please. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. But Michael's gone. I'm behind it. Barney sulks. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. So you could be here with the kids and me. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. BARNEY Thank you. I don't want you to. We both agreed that was important.BOOTH . He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. (beat) I need to do this. CBC RADIO STATION . go to Italy. 142 INT. as always. travel. Jean. A hundred percent. Jean leaves. 97. 142 . get a Villa on Lake Como. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. BARNEY I'll quit working. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. MIRIAM It was important. soon Kate will be too. Whatever you want to do. polishing off his wine.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. We'll retire early.
Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief. you're a natural. GUEST It is was a pleasure. GRUMPY'S BAR . BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic..BARNEY'S CELL PHONE .Well.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar. The ON AIR light turns OFF. BLAIR Of course. 145 INT. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. I'm going to call Barney. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call.. 144 INT. Upset that Barney didn't answer. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT . watching the hockey game. doesn't hear it.CBC RADIO STATION .NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house. MIRIAM Stop it. Mr. 143 INT.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM .HALLWAY . MIRIAM Thank you. CBC RADIO STATION .NIGHT Miriam hangs up. Miriam.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. Thank you. 146 INT. Blair. Would you excuse me. that's all the time we have. He 146 The 145 144 143 . Dalhousie. BLAIR Really. ringing. HALLWAY . The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. Thank you so much for coming in. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .on the bar. 98.
Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. 148 He's drunk 99. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. 147 INT. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON.CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. MIRIAM Okay. BARNEY (beat) Yes. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. like you've done a thousand times before. MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. and trying very hard to be quiet.BEDROOM . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. quiet apartment. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. (MORE) You knew .
See that? That's alone. but no thanks. She turns the light OFF. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. IZZY You should get one. why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. Mother to Barney. Wife to Izzy. 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY . IZZY Thanks.1925 .1972. The good ones go 100. BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. But he's not very convincing. . 149 EXT. fast. Good night. IZZY I'm not alone. we don't sleep apart. BARNEY I was thinking. CEMETERY .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa.
No wife. No kids. I'm going to be right here with your mother. That's alone.PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. . (MORE) 100A.
bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse. IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Without a moment's pause. IZZY I'm used to being without her. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR. . guests continue with their conversation.NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan. Long silence. Miriam sets down her book.CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. Barney heads out to the den. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch. are over for dinner. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption..DEN . You know it irritates Blair's asthma. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .BEDROOM . much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this. exhausted. 152 INT. Mr. He gets up and MIRIAM Barney.NIGHT I 101. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .. need to get laid. please don't smoke that. THREE wives! 150 INT.DINING ROOM . BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. 151 EXT. Barney stares at the ceiling. Miriam's reading. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her. brings a cigar back to the table.
Barney's eyes searching. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. The Madame. She stops in front of room #4. Barney 153 154 INT. who is sobbing. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 . She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. He's at a loss. She takes his hand. EXT... MASSAGE PARLOR .NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. 102. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney. The phone RINGS. parks right in front.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. At least he went happy. When she went back in. the girl left the room to get a hot towel..NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor.. Beat. then enters. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. MASSAGE PARLOR . GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished. Reaches for the phone. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time.? Barney nods. 153 Barney groans. You made him so proud.RECEPTION .
Barney reaches into his pocket. MASSAGE PARLOR . pressing it to his forehead. and starts to cry. holding it with both his hands. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. a box of kleenex. 156 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. takes in the room. 155 Barney enters. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his. leaving him alone. The lighting dim. patting his father's hand. Then he squeezes it tighter. Goldie shuts the door. He starts to laugh at the situation.LATER 156 Barney exits the room. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. MASSAGE ROOM . Izzy's body lays on the table. half-grin on his face.CONTINUOUS 103. The walls bare. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 . peaceful. covered in a white sheet. Beat. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. They share a quiet moment.RECEPTION .
Barney stares at the board.stares at it quizzically . He sets down his pieces. Attorney. KATE What word is that? INSERT .. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there.YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104.S.? BARNEY Sorry. Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O... 159 INT.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. Dad.SCRABBLE BOARD.DEN . thanks.) No.NIGHT . KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn.then puts it back. KATE You're missing half the letters. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY . Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION .
I know you're tired.. I'll do it. KATE No. That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom. They break apart. BARNEY It'll be okay. KATE Let me. She gets up and starts to clean up. for her to start crying in his arms. No. She cries as long as she needs to.. I'll get it. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. He 105. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. Barney watches her go. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. BARNEY Leave that. I promise. FLASHBACK TO: . KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. dad.
LEO Andre Gide. then extends her hand to Barney. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. there's a sense of melancholy to him. Leo Fasoli. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. LEO FASOLI (61). A LIMO waits right outside the door. CBC RADIO STATION . BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. cara mia. Leo. CBC RADIO STATION . What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. along with Leo's flavor of the month.DAY . He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. Leo lights a cigarette. But then you returned the money.GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT.PAST (2003) 106. She slips into the limo. 161 * * * * * * * . MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. She gives Leo a kiss. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute. 161 EXT.BOOTH . Barney and Blair watch from the booth. saying you no longer wanted to do it. once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost".DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. For all his success. the French author.
.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. It's a real coup for Miriam. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. 106A.
And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. BLAIR I don't have it yet.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. Long silence. BARNEY Here's hoping. They drink. LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? . BLAIR Let me help you. 162 INT. woman. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. Miriam begins to clear the table. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. She's an amazing 107. They hug. Miriam heads to the kitchen. MIRIAM Guests don't clean. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. It makes me happy. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself.DINING ROOM . MIRIAM Yes you did.
BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that. BLAIR I'm not gay.DOORWAY . INT.. 164 . DEN . MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .to confront Barney. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month. MIRIAM Thank you for coming. congratulations. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. BARNEY Just because you're gay.CONTINUOUS . but-Miriam enters. 163 164 INT. Push them.. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal.. Blair exits. who is just lighting up a cigar. and again.. BARNEY I didn't think so. doesn't mean you can't be assertive. but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. MIRIAM Thanks. don't be so soft. it was a fantastic interview. BARNEY A month? Jeez.
okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. BARNEY Okay. BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. I think a little time apart will do us both good. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. We're fighting about you. Let's just skip that whole part. I'll take the week off. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. MIRIAM No. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109. .
The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. Coffee in hand. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. She gives him a kiss and exits. RECEPTIONIST Good morning." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days. he's scared to death. pulls away.MORNING . I have the keys right here. A RETROSPECTIVE. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI . Anxious. ON THE SET 167 . Spring has arrived. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. TAXI CAB . Find out what I have to do to report it. Actually. The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS .MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. greets him with a smile. Barney grabs the keys. 165 Barney rides in a taxi. He's fidgety. RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. Barney nods but he's not happy about this. OFFICE .IN MEMORIAM. 166 The taxi 166 INT. Barney. TV SOUNDSTAGE . BARNEY My car was stolen.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. It's only a week .MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling. walks away.okay? 110.
A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. .YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. SEXPOT (21). cast as the new Nurse. young. ditzy.
BARNEY'S OFFICE . Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. Barney continues his searching. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested. SOLANGE (O. I go to 111. tight outfit her character would have worn. SOLANGE enters. I won't work out here. That's the point. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. Even though it's Barney's show. He's frustrated.S. She's now directing the show. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. 168 . eager to tell him something. BARNEY Nope. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. 168 INT. angry. SEXPOT Oh.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. the gym for that. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. He ducks out.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something.
Chanel glasses. Dead silence. The entire office watching them. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac.. Barney looks at the ticket. OFFICE . Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney.. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. get over it. 112.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. Solange fights back tears. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. Solange follows. forcing them to raise their voices. The machine REVS and GRINDS. The coffee machine stops. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. He makes his choice. 169 INT. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria. First Class. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 .
BARNEY Fuck. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 171 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence. Something he reads upsets him. Barney stares back. he's late. BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago. we're late. Hops up to get ready.KITCHEN . INSERT . (CONT'D) 113.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI. BACK TO: . Justin runs off. come on.shit. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. NEIGHBOR (O. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . Barney. Barney looks at his watch -. Drops the paper on the table. 171 He stares up at Scans the front page.FRONT PAGE BLURB .BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper.S.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE .FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. Barney turns back inside. FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT. FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. INSERT . JUSTIN Hi Barney. DIES AT 66.) Justin. BARNEY Good morning.
DR. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral. MANDEBAUM'S office. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 . DR. DR. 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. DR. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. Just answer them.DAY Barney and Solange are in DR.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT.PRESENT DAY 114. DR.BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT.. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. there's no right or wrong. Solange approaches him carefully.DAY . BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job.. long time physician. BARNEY'S OFFICE . MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. (beat) Barney. BARNEY April.
MICHAEL (V. BARNEY A. it's German. INTERCUT 175A* . hi.. that's fucking embarrassing.. put your mother on the phone..BROOKLYN . MANDEBAUM Just answer it. I can't even find the fucking thing. and frantic without Miriam around. DR. then ringing. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too..O. Desperate 174 175* 175A INT. Barney paces while on the phone. goddamn it..PAST (2003) Scotch in hand. you know.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment.) Hello? BARNEY Michael. dad. 115.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal. MICHAEL'S LOFT . (holding out phone) Mom. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. * FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT.DAY . DR.. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty. please...DEN . MIRIAM (into phone) Hello.
I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife.. Come back 116. MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY I've learned my lesson. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today.. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. MIRIAM I know. (MORE) . BARNEY I'm sorry. Please. and that got me thinking and. well. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. I can't sleep without you beside me. That we'll be together forever. please come home already. you did. I just needed that settled. tonight. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. That's a big thing. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days.
NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. MIRIAM Barney. not knowing what to do with himself. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. No way! Barney shrugs.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. She hangs up.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . I'm enjoying my week with my son. 117. He's already quite drunk. BARNEY I love you. but I really do have to go. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. So they called him down for a final interview. I love you. BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer. 176 INT. empty house. Barney looks around the big. Now I have to go. going out of his mind. GRUMPY'S BAR . BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? . Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant. Goodbye. But I'm still not coming home today. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train.
sweaty and satisfied. whoa.DRIVING . Barney stares up at the ceiling. 180 INT. I remembered you right away. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT. Now. BARNEY'S CAR . DR.DAY Driving home from the airport . DR.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. Morty. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit. AIDS-DR. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk.DAY Barney. 118. BARNEY I need a test. in a state of panic. I don't remember. would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. Syphilis.NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney.DEN . MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. BLONDE That's okay. naked. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. 179 INT. And I need the results as soon as possible. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney watches her walk away. Gonorrhea. 180 179 177 178 . Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. slow down. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. MANDEBAUM Whoa. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE .
. (to Miriam) It's work. she's in the mood for love. MIRIAM I missed you. BARNEY I missed you too. Barney's acting strange. MIRIAM It's good to be home.BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney LEAPS to answer it. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on. KITCHEN . The phone RINGS. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags.DAY They walk in from the airport. MIRIAM I have a better idea. Barney. 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water.. Go. Too nice. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen. Both anxious and nice.. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted .. relax. Problems on the set. 182 INT. talking from the other room.and run you a bath. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. 119.I'll put on some tea .
She's trembling. You were acting so strange. but I dialed star 69. Thank 120. bye. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. okay. thank God. MIRIAM (O. Miriam exits. She has to sit down. 183 INT.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. BARNEY Morty. you. Barney walks into the bedroom.. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? .CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'.S. The phone in her hand. 183 MIRIAM I don't know why. oh. I'll be in the bedroom.. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. so?. I am. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits.. BEDROOM .. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. Naked. MIRIAM The way you cough at night. Terrified.. He hangs up. I'm not sick.. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. BARNEY I'm not sick. Barney takes a deep breath.) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes.
She storms out. 184 . completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT. Miriam. 120A. We have a life.NIGHT .PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . Off Barney. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please.A KNOCKING at the door. MIRIAM HAD a life.YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat. Miriam is completely devastated. BARNEY It meant nothing to me. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
MIRIAM (V. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. Alphonse."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield.DEN . The door opens revealing KATE. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet.BLUE 7-3-09 121. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. Barney grins. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck. hands him his drink. BARNEY Easy. You could use one. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. And here's one for you Alphonse . 185 INT. Kate exits.a request from our ever faithful listener. Barney looks at her with surprise. KATE Here you go. Kate nods. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. Kate is standing in the door watching him. Alphonse. FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk. kiddo.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" . all the way from Montreal. She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. She nods . her eyes filled with tears.that's for sure. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks.O.
BACK TO: 188 INT. you miserable. tearing the room apart.DEN . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . . but your mother and I will work through this. Michael won't even look at his father. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. It's so utterly shocking to both of them.PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. BARNEY Michael. his father. ungrateful prick. Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. BARNEY Watch your mouth.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator.DAY . We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. Barney paces back and forth. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better. that no one can move or say a word. 186 INT.CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack. wait.KITCHEN . Her eyes puffy from crying. Kate runs in and tries to stop him.YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122. Michael then storms out of the house. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. but she still loved you. He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. Back and forth. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . Barney SLAPS Michael. MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. I'm still your father. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you.Barney shatters a framed photo.
in his best suit.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. been. won't make eye contact.BEDROOM .BARNEY'S APARTMENT . She steps to him and does his tie. PLEASE. FADE OUT: 189 INT. Kate is unsure what to do. is trying but unable to do his tie. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror.CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. He looks up her. BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. carrying two cups of coffee. His frustration finally boils over.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. 191 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney. His eyes filled with tears. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. STOP!! He finally stops. while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. let me do it. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent. . BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . The elevator doors open revealing Solange. 123. They say nothing. STOP. SOLANGE Here. There. WALK-IN CLOSET . 190 INT.
.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. drinking a glass of sparkling water. Every bit as gorgeous. Barney sits tight.GARDEN . elegant and graceful as she ever was. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. 192 AND 192A 193 EXT. 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124. He takes one last look in the mirror. She walks out first. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden.
They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing.all the important stuff in case I get lost. We had a beautiful marriage. Solange -. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? . They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. but has to fight off tears instead. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me. BARNEY You look fantastic. She nods. MIRIAM You look great.. They sit. all know where this is going. but it's over. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. I want you to be at peace with that. She tries to laugh. BARNEY We can't. can't we? No.PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. (pulls out a paper) My address and number.. MIRIAM We can be friends now. But I do have crib notes. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. Kate's numbers. We 125.
MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat. JEAN Bonjour. LADIES BATHROOM . BARNEY Thank you.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT.. LATER CU .YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure.A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. And they eat cake. Carries it past her lips and savors. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN . Miriam hands him his fork. 197 INT. warm chocolate sponge. Barney and Miriam each have one.DAY 126.GARDEN . 194 195 They grin with anticipation. She races over to Jean.. Mmmm. 197 196 He can't remember . Heaven.RITZ CARLTON . which one he is supposed to use. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Miriam slices through the moist. 194 195 OMITTED EXT. She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery.
MIRIAM I thought I lost you.THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. did you see Barney? JEAN No. you're practically shaking. BARNEY Look at you. Barney is standing there.. The paper old and cracked. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT . 198 INT. takes her breath away.she pulls it out. CONGRATULATIONS. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL . why don't we go home. I got so scared. Madame.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. he paid the bill. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. Jean hands her Barney's old. He's carried this on him all these years. watch a movie. curl up in bed. 127. Miriam cocks her head. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. Without thinking why . the kids are gone. wondering why he said that.. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . * . BARNEY Lost me? Hey.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. beat up WALLET. but forgot his wallet on the table.
. 199 . who went missing over thirty years ago. He pulls her close. Boogie's bones with snorkel. MIRIAM Let's get you home. flippers and goggles. His friend. as happy as he's ever been.DAY ON TV . FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up. the kids. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love. She falls into his embrace.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. don't cry. You're the one who dropped them off at school. was the only suspect in the case. BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. MOUNT ORFORD . and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby.? BARNEY Yeah. Barney Panofsky.. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North".NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain. 128.
Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. KATE (laughs) Oh. 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. KITCHEN .COTTAGE . O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him. For years now. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. that. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. doesn't mean he didn't kill him.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over. REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT. MICHAEL Okay. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 .BLUE 7-3-09 200 129. Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange.
130. To make her feel good. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria.COTTAGE . MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. Kate drips honey into her tea. DEN . Hands it to Michael.CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. While she signs the pages. Michael and Kate sit. Michael looks out onto the lake. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. SUNROOM .CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. Daddy asked me to keep it going. just in case she checked the number. It's a picture perfect day. Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. They continue out to the -206 INT. but it's true. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. .
but it's not relevant anymore. Okay. She finishes signing the agreement. MICHAEL There's one last thing. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. She's married to Blair. KATE Only until death do them part. Hands it back.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. Leo Fasoli. Miriam Grant Panofsky. 131. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". Beat. I leave our city condo. Yeah. * . done. It's not fair to her. MICHAEL I agree. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. the original painting by my late friend.
stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake. even react to Michael's presence. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. lights it. KATE Stop it. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does.DAY Michael 132. He didn't do it. 208 EXT. Turns it back over again. Michael exits. KATE He's our father. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. COTTAGE . Clips and . Michael turns the Banana over for him. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. oddly. MICHAEL Try it this way.
Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL. holding it. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died.. dad.. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. His eyes light up with excitement. 209 . just don't tell Kate.. did you see that? He turns to Barney who. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. I'm so sorry. A perfect blue sky behind them. Tears in her eyes..DAY Bright. smoke it just fine.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. is watching the plane too. Blades of thick. It opens its hull and drops its water load ...along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. are a mystery to all. CEMETERY . it suddenly comes together for Michael. The plane descends toward the lake. Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. Barney is able to 133. It pulls back up into the sky. FADE TO: 209 EXT. green grass flutter. Oh my God. Watching this. watching them. but his thoughts. much to his surprise. dad. Michael takes his father's hand. the hull closes. Barney continues to puff on his cigar.. KATE Standing on the deck. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. having gotten away from the young family previously.. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze. if any. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water.
. MOVING WITH MIRIAM . then starts back down the hill. she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips..as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers. A view of the entire city.GRAVE SITE .2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE . We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave. 134. 210 EXT. CEMETERY .GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path.beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END . 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down.DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery. Maybe the most picturesque spot ever. the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 .. Her eyes moist with tears.
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