This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
CONTINUOUS 8A Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. carrying a bag and thermos. BARNEY That's true. STREET . where were you? calling all morning. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be? .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. BARNEY Really? KATE Really. Rushes out the door. Impotence is still on the table. it's still a heart attack.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24). Barney's daughter. KATE Daddy. BARNEY The ringer was off. KATE He thought it was indigestion. He finds his keys. HALLWAY . 8 * * * KATE Dad. Putz. KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. 8A INT. BARNEY I've been 3. BARNEY How bad? Minor.
Barney grins from ear to ear. I'm fine. He steps in. It was your call that woke her. (beat) I'll call you later. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at. BARNEY I'll call you back. KATE My hero. KATE Sure. BARNEY So I saved his life. CAR . But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. I'm stepping in DING. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. The 4.. elevator arrives. . KATE Are you okay? 9 * BARNEY Yeah. BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. KATE You better. the elevator. dad.. filled with glee at this news.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. On the elevator doors closing we.DRIVING .MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did. CUT TO: 9 INT.
He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. CUT TO: 10 INT. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. DIRECTOR MOVING ON. is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. Great. herself. the long running soap . her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age.DAY 9A Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10 . KATE Love you. TV SOUNDSTAGE . mid-50's and still handsome. 9A EXT.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. and sits in his producers chair. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. making a "house call" to the local bar. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight. The CONSTABLE. BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried. 5. The scene is painful for him watch. BARNEY Love you too. SOLANGE. O'MALLEY.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay.
story editors. let that be the end of it. MARK They're looking ahead. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone. 11 .YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE . including MARK (40). SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. BARNEY That's in a year.CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. Barney pushes through a door. assistants. Yes I've seen today's paper. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio-- 6. struggling to keep pace.everyone still hot on his tail. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. Everyone talking over each other. leading everyone into -11 INT. and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. Barney whisks through the aisles . FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. MARK Barney. (nervous) But they have a few suggestions.
Barney heads into -12 INT. 12 The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. MARK They're not asking. BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her? . No one under fifty watches the show. Someone young. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. She's been on the show since day one. I'll give her your job before that happens. MARK They want to bring in a new face.CONTINUOUS 7. BARNEY No. No way. this is our last season. Maybe give Solange a sexy. BARNEY'S OFFICE . BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. If we don't do it. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character.
Solange. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. MARK Barney. SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. how do I look? Beat. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. Her tone . whoa. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. They love me over there. instantly softens. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney.YELLOW 8-7-09 8. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. a real shark. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. Tell me honestly. Sexy as hell. and he says-MARK Whoa. Barney tosses the folder aside.
With a glance. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. BARNEY'S CAR . 14 13 . CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT.GRUMPY'S BAR. Jill directs Barney down the bar. Grossly overweight. blotchy salmon red complexion. 9. Not wanting to get into it. GRUMPY'S BAR . (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. around 60. She stops just before exiting. Barney busies himself with moving around papers. puts her game face on and storms out.DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . slides off his barstool. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. Barney ignores him. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper. JILL He's had more than a few already.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. 14 INT. then takes a deep breath.DRIVING . Solange takes the cue. eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home. slamming the door behind her for effect.
like you might say. you're bound to go first. Barney opens the book . O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. 10. He's very drunk. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. be a "mensch". . O'HEARNE Chainsaw. I even signed it. POUNDS it shut with his fist. Detective Sean O'Hearne". BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. Marvelling at his idiocy. Look at you . You'd never have the guts to cut him up. Barney looks at O'Hearne.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you. share in the moment. Lawrence river. dumped the parts in the St. none of this would have been possible without you. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. If you won't tell me now. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. I O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. I carved him up with a chainsaw. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. I thought I'd buy you a drink. All the best. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. my ass.
ex-pats and plenty of girls. 11. actor. Italian bearded artist. three fawning girls with him. Copious amounts of food and drink.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. BARNEY Your breath stinks. ROME . JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. African American. FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT. 1974 15 Barney is out cavorting with his crew .NIGHT . . (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. O'Hearne marches out.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. O'Hearne is right up in his face. RESTAURANT . A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON. He slides the book back over to him.PAST TITLE: ROME. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. Barney's Algonquin Round Table. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. INSERT . Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book. extremely handsome. as we move around a crowded table. LEO FASOLI. Locals.TRASTAVERE.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. Lively conversations overlap. sweetie. INTENSE stare. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. Panofsky.
living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess. LEO To Cedric. Barney's best and most cherished friend. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. Tall and lean. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers. . Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!! 12.. as you have in thought". Everyone toasts."Roberto. So I tell him . Who do I look like. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him. BOOGIE. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula".PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC . (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria.. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. I am now posse member number 4. CEDRIC I'm an actor.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen.
star. The Countess then slides up to Boogie. kisses him deeply.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. the Countess. Her exquisite beauty silences them all. no less. MARIA You look like a movie 12A. whispers something in his ear. A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. LEO Where did you meet her? . then walks off to the bathroom.
tall. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd. CEDRIC Barney . actually.S. gypsy shawl and skirt. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. I'm getting married. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie.our very own patron of the arts. pale and beautiful. I only sold one piece . Everyone toasts.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime. skinny. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well. my High Priest. LEO The show was a bust. I want to hear about all of you. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O. that would be great. If you could find out AND get her name.to Barney. . Leo. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates ."not so good". Three months pregnant. and slightly showing at her belly. But enough about that.) To me. BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). 13.
the party around them continues on.. He starts to soften. She gets on his lap. You're not one of us. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. You're still my yummy yid. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick. It's fucking humiliating. Barney scowls at Clara. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16 . switches gears to soft and loving. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. Barney and Boogie lead the way.. 16 EXT. curling herself around him like a cat. the whole gang pours out into the street.LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar. Hymie back in Montreal. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. baby. CLARA I'm sorry. She instantly To 14. sharing a flask.. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him. BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay.BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. ROME STREET . A toast to the newlyweds! your health.
and I'm fucking pregnant too. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow. BOOGIE If you say so.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. C'mon. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. BOOGIE I don't believe what CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. yeah. CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. Oh. Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. BOOGIE He's coming with me. you're not. She's a conversation piece. . CLARA Oh no. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. I'm seeing. 15. come on. who is quite smitten with him. Barney. LEO Yeah. Oh. I'm exhausted. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. not a wife.
. 15A.PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street.
We only go around once. Absolutely brilliant. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. two packs of Gauloises. Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. a pack of rolling papers.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. BARNEY Boogie. Horse. Barney. But you can read it so far. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it. this is brilliant. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room: 16.everything under and behind the sun. on and off the table. 17 A bottle of Scotch. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. Opium. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. BOOGIE We have to do it all. BOOGIE'S ROOM . They toast and drink. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. Hash . Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside.HOTEL CISTERNA . Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. a small ball of TINFOIL. 17 INT. .
Pious and pristine . Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY" 17.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. And anyway. Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. Then one day. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. INSERT . without warning or reason. As reward. BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. preparing to smoke it in a pipe. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. . I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. After an ungodly amount of drilling. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job.Vanessa is the editor's wife. and now a shell of the hole she used to be. her elasticity is restored. it's not finished yet. BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. BARNEY Let me guess . Barney looks at him dumfounded. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being.
prego. . helps her up the stairs. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office. Boogie. Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. BARNEY Jesus. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni. (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). CUT TO: 18 EXT. 18. Cedric 18 He and Boogie walk BOOGIE Listen. Leonardo Fasoli. Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading.DAY Wedding day.CAMPIDOGLIO . stop dicking around and finish your book already. we're already late.Bernardo Moscovitz. STAIRS . Boogie. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK. Cedric. ahead of the others. prego .CAMPIDOGLIO . 19 INT. Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. BARNEY (beat) C'mon.DAY 19 Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. no one will think anything less of you. BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying.YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . you don't have to go through with this. Clara is seven months pregnant. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent. wearing a black veil.
BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. Then -- Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. Clara says nothing. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any 19. I ran away on the honeymoon. CLARA (CONT'D) There. is chiama Clara Chambers. .PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. They're locked in our attic. firmi qui. Dumfounded silence. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. CLARA Only two . Barney signs. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy.Yosel and Chaim. BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. firmi qui.
don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course. (beat) You still love your crazy Clara.DAY 21 You haven't Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. I figured they should know. CUT TO: 21 INT. clutching her black wedding veil. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. CLARA I'm sorry. sketches and paintings. . (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . trembling with white knuckle fear. She may be crazy. a child terrified of the thunder. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit.NIGHT 20. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder. but she has her odd charms.YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT. 20 THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END. All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems.
DOCTOR Signor Panofsky . 21. CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23 Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside. DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. CLARA Oh Barney.I will speak in English. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father .PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse. 22 The doctor looks at Barney incredulously. than back at Barney. Or maybe Charnofsky. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino.for our records. then to his charts.DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. Or Chambers. Clara strokes his arm. in Italian) I need to find my wife . a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk. Barney is speechless.mi dispiace . (MORE) . CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn.HOSPITAL . 23 INT. 22 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . lights up a cigarette.Clara Panofsky. BARNEY I'm the father. look her in the eye. (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry.
I'm ready to talk now. BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow. BARNEY Clara. HALLWAY .PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. Barney waits. incredulous grunt. 24A EXT. He just lost a son. Surprise. chumps. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . 24 Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed. 24 INT. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric.DAY With an 24A Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building.HOSPITAL . CLARA Okay. pours her a glass of water.DAY 22. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25 . it's disgusting to look at. The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. he walks off. C'mon. man. Barney looks at Boogie . CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. 25 INT. BOOGIE Easy."what the fuck?". If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life.
26 INT. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT.someone who shops. STAIRWELL . Barney! Let's start over! Please. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table.HOTEL CISTERNA . Barney walks out and never looks back. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. CLARA Come now.CONTINUOUS 23. the color's come back into your cheeks. 27 . CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. your insight is dazzling. CLARA Oh look. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. Now you can finally go back home. I did you a great favor.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof. 26 Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl .DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food. BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. BOOGIE'S ROOM .
KITCHEN . to a hung over Barney. BEDROOM . BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh. Nothing.DAY Barney runs up the stairs.) Dear Barney. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. 28 INT.. Clara. Shit. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . ashtrays. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment.DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry. I really do miss you.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove.O. I need you. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. The candles completely burned away. I think it came a few days ago. His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT. 30 INT. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust. I'm sorry. 32 31 30 29 28 .PINK 7-27-09 24. snoozing on the sofa. Barney drops to her. Yours. the abstract painting of Leo's. Sorry. I forgot. that. Please come for dinner tonight at eight. 31 INT. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V.CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. I'll even make latkes. I think it's important we talk. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. empty wine bottles.. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. Barney reaches for the lighter. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . feels for a pulse. 29 INT..DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two.. well up with tears. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him..VILLA DELLA FONTE . STAIRWELL ..
An Orthodox Jew. Hands clasped behind his back.BLUE 6-25-09 25. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. black hat. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. studying the apartment. CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. Barney steps to the side. (beat) She said her parents were dead. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. (MORE) . I'm Clara's father. Your machuten. CHARNOFSKY (50). Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. He opens the door. stands there. Clara's Paintings". BARNEY We lost him. CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. Clara made it. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. Charnofsky wanders in. Rising unsteadily. drawn to look like Satan. Clara's Sketches. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara.
He used to encourage her. diaries. 33 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. Ship them to my nephew. My wife would bring her food. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. ink drawings. we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. leave it outside the door. (MORE) . but they provide us with an apartment. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. I'm sure. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. Poems. My wife wanted to die. That's when I started locking her in the attic. People think highly of her work.BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps? 26. He's a professor of literature at NYU. She was a danger to everyone. Tearing her hair out in clumps. KITCHEN .MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. She would refuse to eat. It all started when she was twelve. "I'm not Jewish". (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. CUT TO: 33 INT. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. you said? Filth about me and her mother. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. Pours himself another. You should have a publisher look at them. It's not a princely living. Charnofsky finishes his drink.
the best in town. but only God determines the outcome.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself. STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . It was a horror. went to Harvard. We did everything we could. BARNEY She was obviously sick. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr. 27. Kupner. BARNEY I think you should leave. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. 34 INT. 34 . CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child.
yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Turns the burner off.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her.DAY . mamzer. BARNEY Michael. in his Brooklyn loft.? MICHAEL What? . Barney's son.BROOKLYN . BARNEY Get out NOW.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out. 28. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard.. looking at the strainer quizzically. He pauses for a moment. oysvorf.. He grabs the phone and dials. Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. MICHAEL'S LOFT .KITCHEN . 36 INT. Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT.SAME TIME 36 35 * MICHAEL (26). It's ready. INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. MICHAEL Hi dad.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney. A silver-haired.COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . fat cat. IRV (V. He's getting the hang of this.the real numbers. now seated.DAY . you tell him.) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. IRV'S CONDO . 32. 43 INT.DAY . 40 * * 41 Israel is our CUT TO: 42 INT. insurance policy. Barney looks a little green around the collar. I'll give you the target's annual income. insurance policy. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . nowhere else. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . 44 .FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1. You sit here. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable. Israel is our insurance policy. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. IRV This is my table. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here. Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . Israel is our CUT TO: 42 Barney with TARGET 2. It could happen here. 41 INT.O. CUT TO: 44 INT. BARNEY It could happen here. Not the numbers on his tax returns .DAY .FLASH FORWARD 43 Barney with TARGET 3.NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen.
'JAP'. we get that. voluptuous. but it could happen here.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. They're hitting it off. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. Irv escorts Barney away. SECOND MRS. she has a master's from McGill. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. it's all the same dance. producing. I don't need to be set up. but tell Marv about the TV deal. P You must be Barney. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs. IRV Gentlemen. Sit. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. IRV Listen. The ultimate . Irv's told me all about you. P (30). Cute. I got a girl I want you to meet. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE) 33. TARGET 1 Absolutely. BARNEY Irv. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. and she's a real looker. stylishly dressed. SECOND MRS. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. boychick? Fundraising. Now listen. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St.
.LATER Classical music. 45 EXT. kid. IZZY Swanky. his father. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift. IZZY I got it. A short. SECOND MRS. that's the housekeeper. dad.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. FORMAL DINING ROOM . When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. Her grating qualities aside. They reach the door. P Mr. THE SECOND MRS. Panofsky. having been a detective and all. Polish housekeeper. Don't worry. watch the language and mind the manners. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -. walk up the steep steps. remember. fine china. 34... ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. P'S PARENTS MANSION . BARNEY So. 46 INT. 45 The door opens-- 46 Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS .Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. Maybe Irv's right.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. stares at them coldly.
throw the fourth across the hood. he likes to push (MORE) 35. gorgeous. handcuff him to the side-view mirror. then haul 'em all in.you figure it out". and I'm trying to play it by the book. So I toss three in the back. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. . MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. IZZY Only when he blocked my view.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. And I was just a beat cop. FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. when a feller is young and you give him authority. call me Izzy. Big score for a rookie. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car. that's so dangerous. IZZY Look. I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. I ain't gonna work for free. BARNEY He means unnecessarily.
But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky. 35A. And most of the time I was. .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around.
DRIVING . Let's make a toast. MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish.. Cutlery tinkling. IZZY I call it like I see it. P raises their glasses. Izzy. he hasn't slept for days. Everyone continues eating. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. . CAR . P) You got brains from him and beauty from her . then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs.MONTREAL AIRPORT . CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat.. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs. Under the table Mrs. Barney flinches. So get to shtupping and multiply already.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. You never know what tomorrow brings.GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices? 36. Barney and The Second Mrs.what a sweet little casserole you are. But you're the one with the mansion on the hill. P. It's been two months since I last heard from you. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. Boogie looks like 47 * * BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up. P squeezes Barney high up his leg.
ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy. BOOGIE. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. and his ushers: IRV. all with the same haircut.no questions asked. I have no doubt of. THE SECOND MRS. BARNEY That. I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. have I got stories for you. BARNEY C'mon. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride. man. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me.NIGHT 37. 48 INT. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know.still hoping this is just a nightmare.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . A huge affair. wiping tears of joy. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. BARNEY Fuck me. . RECEPTION HALL . P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs. BOOGIE Listen. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . CEREMONY HALL . you haven't even met her yet.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. * * * * * * * * 48 49 300 guests.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. and her PARENTS . 49 INT. LEO and even CEDRIC. Anyway.
BARNEY * Boogie emerges from behind the band.NIGHT 38. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms. . RECEPTION HALL . Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU . LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him. Barney downs another shot. Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. 51 INT. RECEPTION HALL .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -. BARNEY What's the score? One . 52 INT. He joins Barney.NIGHT * * * * * * * * * 51 * The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor. CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored.* 50 * * * * AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs. PLATES LAND at various tables.zip. P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -. RECEPTION HALL . P. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night.The Second Mrs. Shit.GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .
shots. The Second Mrs.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more 38A. . His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust. * * They all do a round of shots. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. Then more shots.
The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes. knowing Izzy.GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE 38B. loves every minute of it. Irv. .
RECEPTION HALL . the ENTIRE TABLE. 53 INT. Panosfky. there are ladies present. BARNEY Dad. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. maybe you should tone it down a little.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Anyway. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . I'll be right back. As Barney escorts Izzy away.. disperses. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz. what's in your pocket? . 39. except for Irv. Barney gives his father a big hug. IZZY What.I never bust the girls. What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here. But then. 53 At this moment he couldn't BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad.. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit . love him more. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr.but we do it for appearances.he comes at me with a chair. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time. they provide a valuable service .
BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink. From inside his jacket.MIRIAM GRANT (28). pushing through the crowd.S. BARNEY I don't know what to say. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. classy. Gets his father in law in his sights. 40. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. BARNEY Thank you. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh. Barney turns away. don't embarrass me. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink. IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun. no.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. striking eyes. They walk to the bar. forget it.) . Gorgeous. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM . something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. Barney is mesmerized.. Slide out their glasses for refills. Just as he is about to reach him. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. Barney stomps off. but then cuts right back -(O.. I want you to have it. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner.
That's something he can never tire of. MIRIAM Thank you for having me. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. not to mention really drunk. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table. 54 INT. Miriam .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . (CONT'D) * * * MIRIAM I understand you're in television. MIRIAM That's a little harsh.NIGHT 41. 54 He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. BARNEY Perfect. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. Barney walks right up to her. Father-In-Law is speechless. He's my father and he'll have your respect.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. I'm Barney. She laughs. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. RECEPTION HALL . I'm Miriam. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. BARNEY We haven't met yet. BARNEY That's the name of my company. Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager.
don't you think? He's utterly smitten. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. * * * MIRIAM Who's winning? . MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. BARNEY Oh.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. that's okay. MIRIAM Nice touch. the Count of said name. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1.readers. the workers favorite story was. 42. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. She grabs a box of matches from the table. I wouldn't want it to bother you. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work. Entertainment to make the day pass better. It's a Montecristo. BARNEY YES. The entire moment incredibly intimate. BARNEY The hockey game. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. MIRIAM Please. you guessed it. BARNEY Lectors.
She's such a snob that one. BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS.NIGHT 55 (O. P directly behind him. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. I have a train to catch later. 55 INT. hockey? You follow 43. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand.why? SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. P I see you met Miriam. MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that. He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. He stands.S. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography. P Barney? The Second Mrs. P She went to McGill with me.) .no .RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. works in radio now. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. rises and extends her hand. MIRIAM Congratulations again. and with perfect manners. BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome.sure . but I do read newspapers. LATER RECEPTION HALL . Anyway. * MIRIAM No.
INSERT . people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. 44. for the first time in my life I am truly. coked-up nose. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. His tie loose around his neck. CONGRATULATIONS. The Second Mrs. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. Boogie sits beside him. P Oh Barney. It's raining. P appears behind him. SECOND MRS. wiping his sniffling. They knock glasses. he's drunk and looks miserable. BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. I almost forgot." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. So am I. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. draping her arms around his neck. irretrievably in love.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. 57 OMITTED 56 * * 57 * . Boogie. MIRIAM. Smart as a whip too. so am I.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch. seriously. BARNEY Thanks for being here. 56 EXT. Cars are honking.
whom he finally spots. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria. looking for Miriam.S.Herzog by Saul Bellow. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. She's stunned.on your WEDDING NIGHT. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM.. Barney grins from ear to ear.NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train. She takes them off. sprints down the stairs into the station. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. 58 . Just being able to look at her makes him feel good.) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met ..GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT. BARNEY I like you with glasses. 58 INT. He drops into the seat next to her. TRAIN . She's wearing her reading glasses.NIGHT 45. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . where a porter is checking passengers tickets. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head. soaking wet. 57A* * Barney. passing from car to car. Shuts her book . engrossed in a novel. Thinking fast on his feet. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. or stay with me.
It's happened. watching him still chasing after her. It really does.) 46. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. Miriam 59 * But then her eyes turn to Barney. That smile is enough to melt his heart..D.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night. but won't look at him. BARNEY I don't have I. 59 INT. (O. Among other things. Barney.D.S. . at a funeral. CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train. Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you. TRAIN PLATFORM . Every word he says . Barney gets off the train. Beat. just like that. tickets. MIRIAM Go home. on my death bed. sits at the window. He stands .the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out. or a ticket. Barney finally concedes. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens. CONDUCTOR I.
ROME . Barney is morose and ill-tempered. The Second Mrs. I was so ferklempt Dr. SECOND MRS. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. THE SECOND MRS. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. 47. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No. Barney steps inside. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . Oops.he's a mess. 60 * Ripped pants. P'S PARENTS MANSION . FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead.GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. P Oh my God. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. * CUT TO: 61 EXT. SECOND MRS.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney . Barney and The Second Mrs. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police.DAY 61 On their honeymoon. P runs out and wraps herself around him. THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor. the hospitals. bloody knee and palms. Everyone falls silent. I could have told you what it was for. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. SECOND MRS. Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. SECOND MRS. The Second Mrs. . P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome.
ROME .YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. I'll talk to you tomorrow.. P (into phone) --Ma. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE.DAY 62 63 The Second Mrs.... HONEYMOON SUITE . P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother.. SECOND MRS. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife. Okay. DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you. HONEYMOON SUITE ..DAY 64 The Second Mrs. slightly. I'll talk to you tomorrow.H... P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother.. Ma.. sure. P (into phone) --It's from Dior.HOTEL . I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays.ROME . you should see the bathrobes we've got here.HOTEL . Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. Okay. SECOND MRS. I'm just saying. SECOND MRS. CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT. Of course I will.. tell Daddy I love him. and the soaps are to die for. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y. P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment.A.. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it. Arlene will die on the spot. .. What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie.M. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads.. That perks him up 48.
I didn't even invite her. Oh good. Beat. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. BARNEY Who was she again? 49.. the one in the blue dress. SECOND MRS. P He just pretends for BARNEY . P She was a few years behind me at McGill. BARNEY You certainly do. My cousin Jeff brought her. She gets onto the bed beside him. we do have a big family. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. P Well. Right.YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. I think she was from New York. SECOND MRS. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right. P Miriam Grant. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. BARNEY Jeff seems gay. SECOND MRS.. SECOND MRS. And what about that girl. Jeff is gay. the family. P Good? SECOND MRS.
66 65 . a highly invasive procedure. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. She dives back under and starts in again. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. P Okay. Hurrying down the street. SECOND MRS.but then POPS back up. I took a cab. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner. KATE That's okay. The Second Mrs. accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. SECOND MRS. I just got here.DAY . The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. 66 INT. Nap? SECOND MRS. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. Barney squeezes through the crowd. P I don't think so.BOOKSTORE . BARNEY Sorry. SECOND MRS. MONTREAL STREET . 50. P With soap? BARNEY Yes.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display. COFFEE SHOP .PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. gracing its cover. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL. I'm late.DAY .
flaxseed .BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. BARNEY By what? KATE By you. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. (to Barney) You do something awful. you opt for something infinitely worse. my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth . (to Kate) Continue. Before that. KATE Dad. (to cashier) Two double espressos.is not going to happen. BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. BARNEY I've upset Claire. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing.perplexed. . haven't I? 51. but instead of trying to make up for it. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. The man still can't fly out of the country.this . No crazies today. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address.
67 . STREET . KATE My point is. 67 EXT. BARNEY Funny. it's time to lay off Blair. BARNEY He stole her from me. but it's time to let it go. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. They're happily married. She got remarried. he's a nasty piece of work. 52. You got divorced. BARNEY They're married.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. I have a date. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. I'm sorry. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. Stick to the facts. They get their coffees and walk to the door.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. KATE No he didn't.
Barney stops walking. 67A INT/EXT.DAY Barney drives out of the city. 69 EXT. BARNEY'S CAR . Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there. DECK .DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. A RUSTLING comes from the woods. We'll see.NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. I definitely need a weekend in the country. (laughing it off) Well. BARNEY Right. A Montecristo.DRIVING .COTTAGE . 68 Looks around. I think that's a sign of maturity. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love.YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice.COUNTRY ROAD . 67A The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68 INT/EXT. 69 . I like him. behind him. What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab.MONTREAL BRIDGE . Probably a squirrel. KATE (CONT'D) Confused. Macallan's. BARNEY'S CAR . 53. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE".DRIVING .
this time a little closer. nurse. turning around! The crew go about 70 Solange immediately bursts into tears. Wearing a tight.PINK 7-27-09 54. Look at her. We now see why she was originally hired. O'MALLEY Thank you. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. CUT! DIRECTOR (O. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through.DAY . DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange? BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. low cut outfit. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you. Something RUSTLES again. leans on the wood railing. their business. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. Waiting for something to appear. . SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely. Constable.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET.S. TV SOUNDSTAGE .) Great. she's a total knockout. Barney stands. trying to see through the darkness. Hoping. From a distance.
71 INT. this has to stop. words matter. OFFICE . MIRIAM Barney.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy.BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is. 71 72 . Really? matter.SOUNDSTAGE . Why don't we talk about it over lunch. and the gifts every week it's something else. A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. Actions They have consequences. INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers. BARNEY I know. there's a call for you. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word.OFFICE . (MORE) 55. I'm sorry. MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. NEW YORK RADIO STATION .DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT. MIRIAM Well.
. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act. P flutters about.MORNING 73 A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood. you understand me. . With the phone tucked to her ear. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead.. yes. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age. Do Barney smiles. Ma. I'm watching my figure. P'S HOUSE ... P who decorated it. what did I say wrong?. as you have in thought"... 56... P'S HOUSE . There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. 73 EXT. Barney? BARNEY Yes.. BARNEY I'm so happy you called... SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. The Second Mrs. No. exactly.MORNING 74 The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. Thank you. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. 74 INT. then act accordingly. (curt) I have to go. rearranging knick-knacks. feeling like progress is being made. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated. SECOND MRS.
She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT... Listen. I will. I wasn't talking to you. It makes her gag. Okay.. SECOND MRS.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast. I know it's disgusting. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place. I'll pick you up at noon. Goodbye. Looks at Clara's drawing again.YELLOW 8-7-09 57. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. SECOND MRS. P Tell me something . SECOND MRS... Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her.. SECOND MRS. I have to go. P BARNEY. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth. No.. P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely.. She hangs up. deciding on something to hang. THIS IS IMPORTANT!! . She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall. We just changed all the carpets. Barney continues reading .you were at the game last night.. who do you think?.... BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house.. ma. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs.. Ma. KITCHEN . do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going. SECOND MRS.. To the king of Macedonia.tuning her out completely. 75 SECOND MRS. I had to fire the maid. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out. you asked!..
Boogie emerges from the building. high. Talking. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. FLEABAG HOTEL . couple days. 76 * * * * * * * * * * * * * BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick. Communicating. See you in a 58. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. 76 EXT. I was on a fifteen hour flight. BOOGIE C'mon. Boogie gets in the car. I had to fix one more time. This is what marriage is. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. * * . stumbles toward Barney's car.* A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. His appearance is shocking to Barney. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. BARNEY Just get in.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. In bad shape. P THIS.
SECOND MRS. 80 He's out cold.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. 79 INT. and he needed somewhere safe to kick. drinking wine. P Yeah. SECOND MRS.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. A roast.DAY 59. P I thought I'd surprise you. potatoes. 77 * 78 Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat.COTTAGE .GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. greens. BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. GUEST BEDROOM . DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . SECOND MRS. Barney helps Boogie up the steps. THE SECOND MRS. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink. it's called rehab. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. 80 79 INT. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. .COUNTRY HOUSE . P is on the porch. BARNEY Surprise. COTTAGE .
This is ridiculous. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot. While usually discreet about their clients. P Be a man.CONTINUOUS She follows him out. SECOND MRS.COUNTRY HOUSE . BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. SECOND MRS. . DECK . P Stop. Barney storms out to the DECK. 81 EXT. 81 He won't look her in the eye. no hesitation. BARNEY Jesus Christ. P Well played.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. I called the florist. SECOND MRS. Barney. P You don't know the half of it. 60. Barney stares out at the lake. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. SECOND MRS. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. Look what I found while going through your pockets. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this.
MORNING Wiping the sleep from her eyes. P Shmuck.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.DAY 83A Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside. KITCHEN . . 83A EXT.Barney". Fuck you. I don't understand what you want anymore. She goes back inside. And you are such a liar. You say you've never been unfaithful.COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. but she's not going to cry in front of him. Call you later . P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day. so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. COTTAGE . 82A 83 OMITTED INT.DAWN 61. Now it's been months since we made love. P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS. 82 EXT. It was the happiest moment of my life. The calm of the lake. It hurts her like hell. is a true country paradise. GRUMPY'S . SECOND MRS. 82 Barney's cottage 82A 83 The sound of cicada. P No. The Second Mrs. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her.
Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom.DAY 62. Barney drops down across from him. BARNEY I have to get a divorce. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. listen. GRUMPY'S BAR . (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. 84 Two Scotches on the table. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. IZZY Boychick. IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. Beat. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No.YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. I know how hard marriage can be. (MORE) . IZZY Jesus Christ.
. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. Many successful marriages were built on far less. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater .YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. Beat. makes a nice.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. ain't life grand. Let's take a good. BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. flaky kugel and has a great rack. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. 63. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything. hard look at the situation. and then real life starts. IZZY She's a tough cookie. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. If you divorce her. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah.
Scotch.DRIVING .) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch. SECOND MRS. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM.MORNING Still hungover. 86 INT/EXT.S.S. BARNEY Miriam. He opens the door to find. COTTAGE . P (O. my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on. Barney drives up to the cottage. He considers responding. IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely. chugging coffee. IZZY Alright then.MORNING Barney enters the house. 87 INT. SECOND MRS.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. Cigar.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No. 85 INT.. Walks down the hall. 87 86 . BARNEY'S HOUSE . let's do this. 85 BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. but then just hangs up.COUNTRY ROAD . P (O. 64. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom..YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name. BARNEY'S CAR .
SECOND MRS. P.. 89 INT. 88 The Second Mrs. P I brought him something to eat.. his sheets were soaked. you bastard.COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs. naked. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot.. BARNEY It must have been magic. . GUEST BEDROOM . she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding. SECOND MRS. Once it does.CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D) In tears.. HALL . P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. she throws on whatever clothes she can find. BARNEY My wife and my best friend. 90 INT. HALL .COTTAGE .BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS.COTTAGE .CONTINUOUS 65.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie. moaning. P This is all your fault. he smiles. P storms out of the guest room past Barney. The Second Mrs. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. Barney is frozen with shock. then. he was trembling.. BEDROOM . Things are looking up for him. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm. spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in. I still don't know how he got my nightie off. Kicking and screaming..COTTAGE .
kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake.COTTAGE . P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. HALL . I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this.MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. and just for kicks. P You tell her yourself! No. then I'll come for you. 94 INT. BARNEY I should kill you for this. Barney right behind her. 93 EXT.COTTAGE . BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits. SECOND MRS. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. rolls down the window. 66. don't she has a root canal today. P I'm going to my mother's. He follows. P Bullshit. 94 . DEN . starts the engine. P Animal! She drives away. She gets in her car. COTTAGE .CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car. 92 INT. He's already very drunk.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. 92 93 SECOND MRS.
* * * * * * * . who reticently takes it. He takes it out. started talking you know how that goes . Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. Boogie pours Barney a glass.) I don't see any Scotch. 67. BOOGIE You sly bastard . It was innocent enough to start with .. Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.you planned this all along.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up.she brought me something to eat.. BARNEY Check the dining room.. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me.tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties. waves it around.S. que sera sera. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy. I'm going to need you to do something for me. but look here.. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there.
DEN . 95 INT. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection.she wasn't too bad a poet. More Scotch poured. shmuck. He picks up Clara's BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers .YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded.COTTAGE . I borrowed for you. BARNEY Neither was I. You owe me. 95 Ice is dropped into two tumblers. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once.LATER There's more 68. I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. . Listen. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. actually. Scotch in the kitchen. Hey. sketch that's leaning against the wall.
BOOGIE Oh. Boogie pushes through the screen door. A TV hustler. 96 EXT. man? I brought you in. Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. Barney follows him out. You know what. you have. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. the gun still in his sweater pocket.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. 69. and look what you've become. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. I put the right books in your hands. SUNROOM . 96 . BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. BARNEY You're a fraud.COTTAGE . I educated you.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. MASK AND FLIPPERS. You must have a snorkel and flippers here. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. BOOGIE I'm still working on it. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both.
and that's what you take as a personal offense. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. He just swigs from the BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT. "The Life of Heinrich Heine". drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. BARNEY FUCK YOU. I will! . Boogie slips on the flippers. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. 97 Barney CHARGES Boogie. winded and woozy. waddles onto the dock. that's his fucking job". 70. BARNEY Don't count on it. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing. BARNEY Boogie. you prick. I am not your pet project. Not your hope. bottle again. They break apart. They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. Not your vicarious life.CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock. Absolutely nothing happened to me. I'll shoot. COTTAGE .
BOOGIE There you go! (MORE) 70A. .PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air.
100 DEN . DEN .DAY 99 We DO NOT 98 DEN . Boogie grins. woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. LATER The bottle now empty.COTTAGE . still half drunk. starting from a distance and approaching fast. see Boogie resurface.. 100 INT.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. Barney stares him down. C'mon.MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in.COTTAGE .COTTAGE . 101 EXT.DUSK EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. dampened cavity you think is a heart. Barney's passed out on the sofa. Barney turns and heads back up into the house. 99 INT.one shot after another. spreads his arms wide. tilts his head back. BARNEY Don't you fucking move.the gun FIRES -. BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101 . DECK . It appears the gun fired into the air. do it! 71. Barney hits the bottle hard . pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. We can't be sure.COTTAGE . snaps on the goggles and the snorkel. flying over a distant hillside..Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy. A silent rage boiling inside. but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction. 98 INT. Barney drunkenly staggers forward.
slimmer. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on.) Busy day. 102 DISSOLVE TO: 103 EXT. 104 He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. Barney watches all this from the dock.COTTAGE . younger. Got something to drink? 103 104 INT.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer.COTTAGE . DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water. A POLICE BOAT out there too. healthier than we know him to be. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. DOCK . sipping the beer.YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED 72. There's a big fire a few miles east.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house. He's broken into a cottage. O'HEARNE (O. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. KITCHEN .S. . steps up along side Barney. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far. BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. O'Hearne saunters through the house.
O'HEARNE Yeah. to me for protection. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick. He gave it O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds? . you did. No shit. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. BARNEY My first wife made that. I 73. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. in a plastic evidence bag. I guess.
O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No. then lays one into Barney's face.. BARNEY Yes. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . O'HEARNE After. 74. right through his fucking heart. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that.the florist gave us her name .YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin. O'HEARNE So you did shoot him. Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. BARNEY Yeah.Miriam Grant. sending him to the floor. ..
BARNEY Go to hell. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son.. then again. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. you don't have a body. . O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. O'Hearne exits.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife.. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk. You threatened to kill them both. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. and now he's missing. talk to his lawyer. Now you got anything else to say. Barney lifts himself to one knee. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. IZZY You leave your hands off him. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once. O'HEARNE Very sweet. when. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality. So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful. we'll find the body before sundown. 75. Unless you ate him. but he attacked an officer of the law. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time.
grabs the envelope. TV SOUNDSTAGE .DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. He rushes to the nearest phone. and signs the marked pages. dials. CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT. IZZY Alright. Let me get you 76. RECEPTIONIST Barney. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. alright. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. We've searched the area for three weeks. Our hands are tied. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. some ice. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. No body has been found yet.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. Panofsky. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106 . O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid.
BARNEY Please. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow. How about dinner? MIRIAM No. Just once. 107 .NEW YORK . MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check. well. Miriam chuckles. Miriam. Beat.RADIO STATION . that's it. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. I'm divorced. OFFICE . CUT TO: 107 INT.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. The phone rings. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch.YELLOW 8-7-09 77.
BATHROOM . 110 INT. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. 109 108 HOTEL . HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT.. Long beat. 111 INT.. NEW YORK CITY ..YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR. drunk. HOTEL RESTAURANT . pats himself dry.and again . BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon." Barney drops his pen. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Takes a deep breath.. 78. 112 INT. make that two bottles and two dozen roses..and again.. four ties laid on the bed.NEW YORK . A sunny morning in the big apple. Then dials the concierge. Pours them over ice.MORNING Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. Waiting. three suits.DAY Barney splashes his face with water. 110 He does the same again . at himself in the mirror. 109 EXT. great.. well chilled.DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd. He starts pacing.MORNING Two pair of shoes. Barney's seated at a table.. This is idiotic. Waiting. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men.. The clock reads: 10:03 AM. clammy.. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter. Alphonse Daudet.HOTEL RESTAURANT ..NEW YORK CITY .MORNING Flying over Manhattan. Looks 112 111 . Herzog. Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite.. CU .
(to waiter) Just the Champagne.. MIRIAM Hi.DAY 114 AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. BARNEY Great. the Russian is too salty. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it.. BARNEY HI. MIRIAM Yes. 114 INT. well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. and no. startling her.DAY From the bathroom. 113 Being led to their table. take your time. BARNEY Of course. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet. Barney doesn't look so good. (MORE) . HOTEL RESTAURANT . Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. Sweaty. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM 79. nervous as hell.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. Champagne? This is an occasion. pale. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. we should have champagne. The Iranian stuff.TABLE . HOTEL RESTAURANT . She's a heart stopping vision. And some Beluga. don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon.
you. are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. 115 INT. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY Wonderful.DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. There's so much I want to talk about. BARNEY Of course I did. MIRIAM Barney..have you read. MIRIAM You hardly know me.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here.. Miriam 115 .. hold on. The waiter arrives with the Champagne. Perspiration forming on his brow. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway... I know ... now we can celebrate. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. me. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . I want to be clear on something.. uh. Barney's panicking. we're finally here together. desperately trying to hold it together. 80. MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great.. Oh. Barney opens his collar. what's it called... pulls the bathroom door shut.. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account.
BARNEY I'm an idiot. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE .) Room service. reading the New York Times.nice reference. by the way. CUT TO: 116 INT. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. You obviously expected me to come up to your room.BLUE 6-25-09 Then. there's a KNOCKING at the front door. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. her legs crossed.S. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. VOICE (O. Beat. Barney stirs awake. MIRIAM Don't be so modest. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. BARNEY Never. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet . LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair.DAY 116 . She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". 81. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself. She moves to sit at the edge of the bed.
He covers his face and begins to MOAN. EAST RIVER . we'll get some fresh air. I don't want it to happen. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God. credited to John Fitzgerald . They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. Barney rambles on. The pause.DUSK They stroll along the park. Their body language now 118 117 . Miriam finds it all utterly amusing. BARNEY Yeah. and maybe a slice of pizza. more intimate. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen.a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. She pries his hands from his face. Beat.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause.NIGHT They walk along the East River. He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. where you'll say "it's getting late" or. MIRIAM I'm still here. He hardly even breathes between words. Ever. STREET .. 82. or a break. And then he finally just runs out of steam. MIRIAM There it was. 118 EXT.. I'm absolutely starving. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time .CENTRAL PARK . Off Barney's delight -117 EXT.
BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. BARNEY Anything. that's what scares me about you. That's not real. MIRIAM See. Right away. 83. Heart and soul. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. BARNEY I would never do that to you. (beat) It killed my mother. it's not. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. MIRIAM No. . Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. He knows he needs to come up with something good. and that has to be enough. It's made up of little things . Mind and body. Don't answer 'anything'. and life is real. And that will never happen to me. He was my hero. Barney thinks hard. After all you've done to pursue me. It devastated every part of her. He SNAPS it shut for effect. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. I'll do anything for you. Miriam. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. That's what gave her cancer.
Barney can't wait another second. Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT. She kisses him. you're not going to do that. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy. Only closest friends and family are in attendance. We're going to be needing it.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend. on the porch.NIGHT The party is winding down. tears already streaming down his face. COTTAGE . DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT. Barney is out on the dock alone.DAY (1979) 119 Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage. . Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. 84. slow dancing. Guests are still up at the house. She wraps her arms around him from behind. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. drinking. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. DOCK . It's a beautiful night.COTTAGE . NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do.
. (Where Barney still lives).YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT. 121 Barney and Miriam's apartment.DAY (1982) 84A. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
BEDROOM . Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. 122 Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. who is only a few months old.KITCHEN .DAY 85. BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap. put it in the freezer. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125 . He runs and leaps onto the bed.YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love. Barney. BARNEY Really? 123 INT.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. His eyes filled with tears. Then it won't make you cry. MIRIAM Oh. BABY'S ROOM .DAY Then look at 124 123 Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers.
DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. He closes his eyes. his children. 127 Barney looks out at the stunning landscape.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him. COTTAGE . What? IZZY You did good. kid. The sky a perfect orange hue.YELLOW 8-7-09 86. takes a deep breath. He opens his eyes. drinking Scotch. and his gorgeous wife. Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam. leaving it at that. typical Izzy-ism. A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126 127 EXT. . holding onto this moment of perfection. their feet up. BARNEY Barney expects a Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake.DUSK (1994) A perfect day. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. smoking cigars. The sun is setting.LAKE . Izzy puffs away on his cigar. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. COTTAGE .
DOCK . Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD. 87. BARNEY (yanking on rope) No . Don't worry.S. Soft. . and again. COTTAGE .MOMENTS LATER 129 Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow. Tree hugger. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in. dad. Beat. He tries again.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe .BLAIR (52). BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it.thanks .harder. BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No.it . Michael stares blankly at him. Again . The engine won't turn. working up a big sweat. Harmless. 129 EXT.just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No. Birkenstocks. BLAIR (O. angrier. BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. He takes a breather.
MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan. Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. I just moved from New York. 88. MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job.KITCHEN . A what? BARNEY Is that treatable? MIRIAM I could make a salad. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que. tying his and Barney's boat up. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. Really? At WZAJ. but thank you. BARNEY What do you do. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. 130 INT. . BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. COTTAGE . * 130 BLAIR Sure I know it.
CU .upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O.CONTINUOUS 89. COTTAGE . thank you for listening.O. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". MIRIAM (V. and I should paddle back before it gets dark. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . And I re-attached the rip cord. Blair waves. I'm Miriam Grant.S. Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio. they all step outside. Barney grunts and waves half heartedly. MIRIAM That was nice of him.KITCHEN . 131 Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener. As always.BARNEY CRYING 132 .) Yeah. BARNEY Fire it up. It was lovely to meet the both of you.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. CUT TO: 132 INT. BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire. They all say goodbye and Blair exits. 131 EXT. BARNEY (calling out) Michael.DECK . then hops in his canoe.NIGHT . RRRRR .BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose.
YELLOW 8-7-09 90. Barney is yelling at the TV.. MICHAEL'S LOFT . A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with... love you.BROOKLYN .. He hangs up. hi.NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT. TAXI . MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal. The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136 . The phone RINGS. I'll just grab a cab to your place. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar. Michael. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref. okay. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. I land at five.business suit. He answers.. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting. briefcase. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133 134 INT. BARNEY Hello?..DAY 134 Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him. CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner. As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. Michael greets her at the door.. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters ..NEW YORK CITY .
Michael begins to follow. I have to get up early. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. BARNEY MICHAEL. but is met with silence. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. Michael stops. She heads off to the bedroom. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that. The MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. BARNEY Michael. of course. you wouldn't do it in the first place. Barney turns the TV off. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. CAROLINE Turn that down please. Thank you. . MICHAEL Good night. I'm sorry. Barney looks to Michael for backup. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones.BLUE 7-3-09 91. BARNEY Michael. wait-MICHAEL Good-night.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. We'll retire early. A hundred percent. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be. (beat) I need to do this. travel. BARNEY Thank you. Barney sulks. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. 142 INT. Jean. get a Villa on Lake Como. But Michael's gone.YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. 97. We both agreed that was important. CBC RADIO STATION .BOOTH . I'm behind it. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside. MIRIAM It was important. So you could be here with the kids and me. BARNEY I'll quit working. go to Italy. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. 142 . polishing off his wine. soon Kate will be too. MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. Jean leaves. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. as always. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course. Whatever you want to do. I don't want you to. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine.
98. 144 INT.NIGHT Miriam hangs up. 145 INT. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. Would you excuse me. Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar. that's all the time we have.on the bar..BARNEY'S CELL PHONE . I'm going to call Barney. HALLWAY .BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM . MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. MIRIAM Stop it. BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic. watching the hockey game. you're a natural. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . doesn't hear it.CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM Thank you. BLAIR Of course. Thank you.MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. Dalhousie. Mr. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT .NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house. 143 INT.. The ON AIR light turns OFF. Thank you so much for coming in. GRUMPY'S BAR . GUEST It is was a pleasure. Miriam. He 146 The 145 144 143 .Well. 146 INT. ringing. Upset that Barney didn't answer. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. CBC RADIO STATION . BLAIR Really.HALLWAY . Blair.
Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes.BEDROOM . I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. BARNEY (beat) Yes.CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. and trying very hard to be quiet. like you've done a thousand times before. (MORE) You knew . quiet apartment. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON. MIRIAM Okay. Barney is about to crawl into bed-- 148 MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. 148 He's drunk 99. 147 INT. BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game.
Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. Good night. fast. 149 EXT. . Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. But he's not very convincing.1925 .1972. BARNEY I was thinking. IZZY You should get one. See that? That's alone. IZZY Thanks.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. IZZY I'm not alone. The good ones go 100. Wife to Izzy. we don't sleep apart. but no thanks. Mother to Barney. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No. CEMETERY .DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. She turns the light OFF. 149 Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY . why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space.
PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. That's alone. No kids. (MORE) 100A. . I'm going to be right here with your mother. No wife.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch. exhausted. 150 A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR. Barney stares at the ceiling. You know it irritates Blair's asthma.BEDROOM . IZZY I'm used to being without her. BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . are over for dinner. 152 INT. Miriam sets down her book. Long silence. . brings a cigar back to the table. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse. Mr.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. Barney heads out to the den. Miriam's reading. please don't smoke that.DEN .DINING ROOM . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151 Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure.NIGHT I 101. much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this.. He gets up and MIRIAM Barney.. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history. THREE wives! 150 INT.NIGHT Barney crawls into bed with a moan. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. Without a moment's pause. BARNEY I know it must be hard without her. 151 EXT. guests continue with their conversation. need to get laid. IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out.
the girl left the room to get a hot towel. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times.RECEPTION .NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE.. Beat. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. Barney 153 154 INT. At least he went happy. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl. EXT. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. then enters. She stops in front of room #4. BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil. You made him so proud. MASSAGE PARLOR . She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. 102. He's at a loss. The Madame. 153 Barney groans. She opens a door and lets Barney go in -- 154 . The phone RINGS. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time.NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. who is sobbing. She takes his hand.. Reaches for the phone.? Barney nods. GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished. When she went back in.. parks right in front. MASSAGE PARLOR . Barney's eyes searching.. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney.
MASSAGE PARLOR . Beat. A Barney sits on a small chair beside the body. takes in the room. half-grin on his face.CONTINUOUS 103. holding it with both his hands. GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. covered in a white sheet. Izzy's body lays on the table. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. MASSAGE ROOM . peaceful.RECEPTION . and starts to cry. Barney reaches into his pocket. The walls bare. 155 Barney enters. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158 . a box of kleenex. pressing it to his forehead. Goldie shuts the door.LATER 156 Barney exits the room. The lighting dim.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. He starts to laugh at the situation. 156 INT. patting his father's hand. Then he squeezes it tighter. They share a quiet moment. leaving him alone.
NIGHT . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch.? BARNEY Sorry.. He sets down his pieces. thanks. Attorney.stares at it quizzically ..SCRABBLE BOARD.S. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there. Dad.then puts it back. KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn.YELLOW 8-7-09 159 104. KATE What word is that? INSERT . Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. KATE You're missing half the letters.) No. KATE (CONT'D) BARNEY ..DEN . Barney stares at the board. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION . 159 INT.
That's all it takes She gets up to go to the washroom. for her to start crying in his arms. She cries as long as she needs to. FLASHBACK TO: . dad.. They break apart. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. KATE Let me. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. I'll do it. KATE No. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. I'll get it. I promise. BARNEY Leave that. He 105. BARNEY It'll be okay. She gets up and starts to clean up. No. I know you're tired. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine. Barney watches her go.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation..
But then you returned the money. CBC RADIO STATION . 161 * * * * * * * . BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. saying you no longer wanted to do it.DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. cara mia. He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. She slips into the limo. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute.PAST (2003) 106. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. 161 EXT. MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. Leo Fasoli. you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. 160 * Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. Barney and Blair watch from the booth.GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT. there's a sense of melancholy to him. For all his success. She gives Leo a kiss. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO. A LIMO waits right outside the door. the French author. along with Leo's flavor of the month. Leo. then extends her hand to Barney. Leo lights a cigarette. once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost". LEO FASOLI (61).DAY .BOOTH . MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. CBC RADIO STATION . What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be. LEO Andre Gide.
GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. . 106A. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview. It's a real coup for Miriam.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. 162 INT. MIRIAM Guests don't clean. Long silence.NIGHT 162 Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. They hug. MIRIAM Yes you did. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. woman. BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over. It makes me happy.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. BARNEY So when are you going to find out? . LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. She's an amazing 107. BLAIR Let me help you. Miriam heads to the kitchen. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. BLAIR I don't have it yet. They drink. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself. Miriam begins to clear the table. BARNEY Here's hoping. BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney.DINING ROOM . And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch.
DOORWAY . BARNEY I didn't think so. BLAIR I'm not gay. who is just lighting up a cigar. Blair exits. INT. 164 . don't be so soft.. Push them.to confront Barney. it was a fantastic interview. doesn't mean you can't be assertive. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal. MIRIAM Thank you for coming. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163 108. BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that. MIRIAM Thanks. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Just because you're gay.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night.. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the. and again.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month. congratulations. but-Miriam enters. BARNEY A month? Jeez... 163 164 INT. but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. DEN .CONTINUOUS .
What? BARNEY Where is this coming from? 109. I'll take the week off. I think a little time apart will do us both good. . MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. We're fighting about you. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. BARNEY Okay.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?". MIRIAM No. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. Let's just skip that whole part. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends.
BARNEY My car was stolen. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT. 166 The taxi 166 INT. he's scared to death." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days. TV SOUNDSTAGE . Barney nods but he's not happy about this. Barney.MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood. RECEPTIONIST Good morning.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . TAXI CAB . Find out what I have to do to report it. Actually.okay? 110. I have the keys right here. He's fidgety. She gives him a kiss and exits. Spring has arrived. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS. ON THE SET 167 . walks away.MORNING . 165 Barney rides in a taxi.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married.IN MEMORIAM. RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. greets him with a smile. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. Barney grabs the keys. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI . A RETROSPECTIVE. It's only a week . Anxious. pulls away.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. OFFICE . Coffee in hand. The RECEPTIONIST 167 INT.
cast as the new Nurse. ditzy. . young. A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new.YELLOW 8-7-09 110A. SEXPOT (21).
tight outfit her character would have worn.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. He ducks out. 168 INT. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. She's now directing the show. Even though it's Barney's show. I won't work out here. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. angry. the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. Barney continues his searching. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing. 168 .BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. He's frustrated. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear.S. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. eager to tell him something. BARNEY Nope. SEXPOT Oh. BARNEY'S OFFICE . That's the point. SOLANGE (O. SOLANGE enters. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him. I go to 111.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. the gym for that. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested.
MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169 . The coffee machine stops. forcing them to raise their voices.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac. Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. 169 INT. He makes his choice. Solange follows. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria. First Class. Dead silence. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. OFFICE . Barney looks at the ticket. Chanel glasses. The machine REVS and GRINDS. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office. get over it. The entire office watching them... Solange fights back tears. 112.
BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago. Barney turns back inside. FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. Hops up to get ready." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally.FRONT PAGE BLURB .shit.FLASHBACK 170 (This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper. Barney stares back. INSERT . Something he reads upsets him. DIES AT 66. INSERT .YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Drops the paper on the table. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. he's late. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. BACK TO: . (CONT'D) 113. 171 He stares up at Scans the front page. Barney.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI. FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT. we're late.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE . 171 INT.S.FLASHBACK Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. NEIGHBOR (O.KITCHEN . come on. Barney looks at his watch -. JUSTIN Hi Barney.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw.) Justin. BARNEY Fuck.
long time physician. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. DR. DR. Solange approaches him carefully. BARNEY April.PRESENT DAY 114. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173 . MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . 172 Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. (beat) Barney. BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral. MANDEBAUM'S office.DAY . Just answer them.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer.DAY Barney and Solange are in DR. DR.BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT. BARNEY'S OFFICE . DR... there's no right or wrong. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. DR.
dad. then ringing.. (holding out phone) Mom.. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. that's fucking embarrassing. Barney paces while on the phone. MICHAEL (V.PAST (2003) Scotch in hand. DR.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal. put your mother on the phone. INTERCUT 175A* . and frantic without Miriam around. Desperate 174 175* 175A INT.DEN . 115. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .. goddamn it.) Hello? BARNEY Michael.O. DR. I can't even find the fucking thing. * FLASHBACK TO: 174 175 OMITTED INT. MANDEBAUM Just answer it.DAY . please. you know..BROOKLYN . hi. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello.... BARNEY A. MICHAEL'S LOFT . MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty. it's German.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment.
And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. (MORE) . tonight. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. I can't sleep without you beside me. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today. That's a big thing. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine. MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY I've learned my lesson.. MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you. MIRIAM I know.. That we'll be together forever. you did. Please. Come back 116. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. BARNEY I'm sorry. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. well.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. and that got me thinking and. please come home already. I just needed that settled.
I love you. He's already quite drunk. MIRIAM Barney.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city. She hangs up. No way! Barney shrugs. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. 176 INT. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. But I'm still not coming home today. Barney looks around the big.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. but I really do have to go. Goodbye. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I? . Now I have to go. BLONDE You're crazy! 176* Jill goes to serve another customer. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant. 117. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. I'm enjoying my week with my son. not knowing what to do with himself. going out of his mind. empty house. GRUMPY'S BAR . BARNEY I love you. So they called him down for a final interview.
DRIVING . 118. AIDS-DR.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. naked. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. in a state of panic. 179 INT. slow down. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test. BARNEY'S CAR .NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. Barney watches her walk away. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit. And I need the results as soon as possible. 180 INT. DR. MANDEBAUM Whoa. Now. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. whoa. BARNEY I need a test.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam. sweaty and satisfied. I remembered you right away.DAY Barney. Morty. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT. I don't remember. Syphilis. Barney stares up at the ceiling. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk.DEN . DR.DAY Driving home from the airport . 180 179 177 178 . MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE . would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. Gonorrhea. BLONDE That's okay.
He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen.I'll put on some tea . talking from the other room. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D) BARNEY Hello? Hold on. Too nice. MIRIAM It's good to be home.. Barney's acting strange. The phone RINGS. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen. relax.. KITCHEN . MIRIAM I missed you. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 119.. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags. Go. she's in the mood for love.BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . . (to Miriam) It's work. BARNEY I missed you too. 181 She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water. 182 INT. Both anxious and nice.and run you a bath.DAY They walk in from the airport.. Barney LEAPS to answer it. MIRIAM I have a better idea. MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. Problems on the set. Barney.
He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. Thank 120. Barney walks into the bedroom. oh. She has to sit down. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. bye. I'll be in the bedroom. BARNEY Morty.. I am. BARNEY I'm not sick. I'm not sick. You were acting so strange.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone. so?. 183 INT...) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me? . MIRIAM The way you cough at night. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. Barney takes a deep breath.. but I dialed star 69.. Terrified. BEDROOM . you. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'. Miriam exits. thank God.S. 183 MIRIAM I don't know why. He hangs up. The phone in her hand.. Naked. MIRIAM (O. okay. She's trembling.
NIGHT .PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP . 120A. We have a life. Miriam is completely devastated. BARNEY It meant nothing to me.A KNOCKING at the door. Miriam. She storms out. MIRIAM HAD a life.YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please. 184 . completely shell shocked we -CUT TO: 184 INT. Off Barney. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
And here's one for you Alphonse . hands him his drink. KATE Here you go. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything. Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers.that's for sure.O. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT ."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield.DEN . FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay? . she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go. Kate nods. 185 INT. You could use one. Kate exits.MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" . her eyes filled with tears. all the way from Montreal. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck.BLUE 7-3-09 121. Alphonse. Kate is standing in the door watching him. She starts toward the kitchen -- BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. The door opens revealing KATE. Barney looks at her with surprise.a request from our ever faithful listener. kiddo. She nods . His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. MIRIAM (V. BARNEY Easy. Barney grins. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show. Alphonse.
PRESENT DAY 188 CRASH -. but your mother and I will work through this. but she still loved you.DAY . MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. ungrateful prick. Her eyes puffy from crying.DEN . . Barney paces back and forth. We follow Barney back inside -- 187 INT. I'm still your father. Michael won't even look at his father. Barney SLAPS Michael. Kate runs in and tries to stop him. He won't even look at Michael walks in to grab another box. It's so utterly shocking to both of them. Michael then storms out of the house. Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. that no one can move or say a word. 186 INT.CONTINUOUS 187 Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . BACK TO: 188 INT. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms.YELLOW 8-7-09 186 122.KITCHEN . BARNEY Watch your mouth.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. tearing the room apart. you miserable. his father. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . wait. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better. Back and forth. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY Michael.Barney shatters a framed photo.
won't make eye contact. He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. He 191 SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever Barney double checks the knot in the mirror. STOP!! He finally stops. in his best suit. let me do it. There.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes.BEDROOM . WALK-IN CLOSET . BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. SOLANGE Here. The elevator doors open revealing Solange. carrying two cups of coffee.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189 DING. been. She steps to him and does his tie. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . is trying but unable to do his tie. 123. 191 INT.CONTINUOUS 190 She enters and sets the coffees down. PLEASE. They say nothing. He looks up her. BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number. 190 INT.BARNEY'S APARTMENT . . Barney. His eyes filled with tears. STOP. SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent. FADE OUT: 189 INT.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY. while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. Kate is unsure what to do. His frustration finally boils over. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
Every bit as gorgeous. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her. elegant and graceful as she ever was.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . Barney sits tight. He takes one last look in the mirror.DAY Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. 192 AND 192A 193 EXT. She walks out first. . drinking a glass of sparkling water. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden.GARDEN . 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED 124.
PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you? . They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me. But I do have crib notes..all the important stuff in case I get lost. Kate's numbers. MIRIAM I've been doing some research. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. can't we? No. all know where this is going. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier. I want you to be at peace with that. BARNEY You look fantastic. MIRIAM You look great. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. but has to fight off tears instead. She nods. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. She tries to laugh. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing.. We had a beautiful marriage. BARNEY We can't. MIRIAM We can be friends now. but it's over. They sit. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. Solange -. We 125.
RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN .MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. 197 196 He can't remember . 194 195 OMITTED EXT. And they eat cake.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never.A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT. She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery. Barney and Miriam each have one. JEAN Bonjour. Miriam hands him his fork. BARNEY Thank you. LADIES BATHROOM . LATER CU .DAY 126.RITZ CARLTON .GARDEN . 194 195 They grin with anticipation. 197 INT. which one he is supposed to use.. Carries it past her lips and savors.. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . warm chocolate sponge. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure. Mmmm.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. Miriam slices through the moist. Heaven. She races over to Jean.
CONGRATULATIONS. Without thinking why . BARNEY Look at you.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . He's carried this on him all these years. Seeing it literally 198* * RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. curl up in bed. The paper old and cracked.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet.she pulls it out. did you see Barney? JEAN No. watch a movie. BARNEY Lost me? Hey. the kids are gone. Jean hands her Barney's old. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. wondering why he said that. MIRIAM" * It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. * . Barney is standing there.THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. Madame. Miriam cocks her head. you're practically shaking.. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT . 127. why don't we go home. takes her breath away. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. 198 INT. beat up WALLET. he paid the bill.MOMENTS LATER She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. MIRIAM I thought I lost you. I got so scared.. but forgot his wallet on the table.
PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. He pulls her close. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch. as happy as he's ever been.. MOUNT ORFORD . Barney Panofsky. MIRIAM Let's get you home. He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby. 199 . BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North". don't cry.DAY ON TV . 128. You're the one who dropped them off at school. was the only suspect in the case. who went missing over thirty years ago. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. flippers and goggles..NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain.? BARNEY Yeah. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up. His friend. She falls into his embrace. Boogie's bones with snorkel. the kids.
doesn't mean he didn't kill him. KITCHEN . Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange. 201 202 A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND.COTTAGE . 201 O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr. that. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. 200 IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into-- 202 203 204 OMITTED INT. O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him. MICHAEL Why? 203 204 . MICHAEL Okay. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. For years now. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. KATE (laughs) Oh.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved.BLUE 7-3-09 200 129. This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over.
CONTINUOUS 206 MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember. but it's true. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. Michael and Kate sit. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever. Kate drips honey into her tea. Michael looks out onto the lake. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. DEN . They continue out to the -206 INT. MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. just in case she checked the number. It's a picture perfect day.COTTAGE . Hands it to Michael. To make her feel good. SUNROOM . Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT.CONTINUOUS 205 Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. While she signs the pages. Daddy asked me to keep it going. . He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. 130.
Okay. but it's not relevant anymore. Beat. MICHAEL There's one last thing. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. She's married to Blair. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. MICHAEL I agree. KATE What's next? MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife. * . KATE Only until death do them part. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return. Leo Fasoli. She finishes signing the agreement. 131. Miriam Grant Panofsky. Yeah. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. done. It's not fair to her. I leave our city condo.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". Hands it back. the original painting by my late friend.
KATE Stop it. MICHAEL Try it this way. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. oddly. Michael exits. He didn't do it. He doesn't Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into.DAY Michael 132. Barney looks at it Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. lights it. stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. Clips and . Turns it back over again. KATE He's our father. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did. even react to Michael's presence. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. 207 208 Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. 208 EXT. Michael turns the Banana over for him. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. COTTAGE .
Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. smoke it just fine. is watching the plane too. are a mystery to all.. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. dad. dad. Tears in her eyes. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. holding it.. Oh my God. The plane descends toward the lake. KATE Standing on the deck. did you see that? He turns to Barney who.DAY Bright. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze. Blades of thick. Michael takes his father's hand. FADE TO: 209 EXT. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. His eyes light up with excitement. the hull closes. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL. I'm so sorry.. watching them. having gotten away from the young family previously. A perfect blue sky behind them. but his thoughts.. It pulls back up into the sky. It opens its hull and drops its water load . green grass flutter.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. 209 . CEMETERY .. it suddenly comes together for Michael. just don't tell Kate. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. Watching this.. if any. much to his surprise. Barney is able to 133... Barney continues to puff on his cigar.
CEMETERY .DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery.as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave. 134.GRAVE SITE . then starts back down the hill. A view of the entire city. Her eyes moist with tears. Maybe the most picturesque spot ever.2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE . 210 She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down.GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path.. 210 EXT.. she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips. MOVING WITH MIRIAM .. the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 .beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * * THE END .