Barney's Version by Michael Konyves
Based on the novel by Mordecai Richler
WHITE - June 9, 2009 BLUE - June 26, 2009 PINK - July 13, 2009 YELLOW - July 29, 2009 GREEN - August 7, 2009
PINK 7-27-09 1 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray. A hand picks up a telephone and dials. BARNEY I'd like to speak with my wife. BLAIR (V.O.) (groggy) Barney...? It's three in the morning. BARNEY Put my wife on the phone. BLAIR (V.O.) She's not your wife and I'm not waking her. BARNEY Then just ask her what she wants me to do with these nude photos I have of her. Come to think of it, you might actually want them if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime. Click. Dial tone. A
Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes. CUT TO: 2 INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING 2
The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub. An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. gets turned off. It finally
BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbers down the hallway and to the front door. 3 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He picks up the morning newspaper. Something he reads upsets him. BARNEY Fuck. A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet. Scans the front page. 3
GREEN 8-7-09 JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. Barney. Barney stares back. NEIGHBOR (O.S.) Justin, come on, we're late. JUSTIN Hi Barney. BARNEY Good morning. Justin runs off. 4 AND 5 6 OMITTED Barney turns back inside. He stares up at
4 AND 5 6
KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER
Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. He looks at his watch -- shit, he's late. Drops the paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink. INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE "BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..." Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS. 7 INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices the answering machine. INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES. He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words of each message before fast forwarding to the next. ANSWERING MACHINE (female voice) Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad, me again... where are you... dad, call meeee... The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE. ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D) Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I know you're there... Are you screening?... Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys. Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS. 7 *
8A INT. The long term effects of these things don't often show up until later. BARNEY I've been
3. where were you? calling all morning. Walking to her job as a grade school teacher. KATE Are you not at all concerned that you might have caused this? BARNEY Why would I be?
. Impotence is still on the table. BARNEY Really? KATE Really.CONTINUOUS 8A
Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator. Rushes out the door.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Hello? 8 EXT. KATE Daddy. carrying a bag and thermos. BARNEY How bad? Minor. KATE He thought it was indigestion. BARNEY That's true. Barney's daughter. HALLWAY . Putz.MORNING INTERCUT WITH KATE (24).
* * *
KATE Dad. STREET . KATE Blair had a heart attack last night. He finds his keys. BARNEY The ringer was off. it's still a heart attack.
BARNEY I may have accidentally dialed their number. and she then insisted on taking him to the hospital. BARNEY Did you see the paper today? I did.
. I'm fine. KATE Are you okay? 9 *
BARNEY Yeah. The
4. (beat) I'll call you later.GREEN 8-7-09 KATE Mom told me about the phone call last night. CAR . It was your call that woke her. dad... elevator arrives. KATE My hero. On the elevator doors closing we. BARNEY So I saved his life. KATE Sure. CUT TO: 9 INT. filled with glee at this news. BARNEY I'll call you back. I'm stepping in DING. He steps in. But you do have an out it seems that Blair was already having chest pains when you called but he didn't want to bother mom with it. back on the phone with Kate who is approaching the school she teaches at.MORNING Barney driving his Mercedes.
Barney grins from ear to ear. KATE You better. That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. the elevator.DRIVING .
mid-50's and still handsome. making a "house call" to the local bar. the long running soap . DIRECTOR MOVING ON. is being tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52). BARNEY Can we do something about her outfit? I tried.DAY 9A
Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot. and sits in his producers chair. herself. The scene is painful for him watch. WARDROBE GIRL She has them altered DIRECTOR 10
5. but she works it like she's still the cat's meow. TV SOUNDSTAGE .
BARNEY Love you too. Great. The CONSTABLE. O'Malley? O'MALLEY Warm and tight.YELLOW 8-7-09 Okay. SOLANGE (wrapping a bandage) How does that feel.DAY We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show. SOLANGE. 9A EXT."O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH". originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show. Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage. CUT! (to Barney) How was that? BARNEY Appallingly bad. CUT TO: 10 INT. her uniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman her age. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . O'MALLEY. He pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL. KATE Love you.
CONTINUOUS Rows of desks occupied by accountants. Yes I've seen today's paper. no I don't give a flying fuck and neither should you. BARNEY That's in a year. story editors.YELLOW 8-7-09 Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney. MARK They're looking ahead. (nervous) But they have a few suggestions. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE .
Barney pushes through a door. struggling to keep pace. Barney whisks through the aisles . the network wants to make a really big deal about the 30th season. EXECUTIVE And we lost the location so we have to rewrite it for the studio--
6. leading everyone into -11 INT.everyone still hot on his tail. Everyone talking over each other. SOLANGE I want to talk to you! Barney immediately hustles himself away. SOLANGE (CONT'D) Don't you run away from me! She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guy who needs to remove her mic. assistants. including MARK (40). and they're open to renewing for two more seasons. let that be the end of it. 11
. FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him. MARK Barney. MARK Did you see today's paper? MARK The teaser is a minute long-EXECUTIVE We need to go over the opening for next week's episode. BARNEY (announcing to entire office) Good morning everyone.
BARNEY So they want to bring in some tits and ass? MARK Isn't that why you first hired her?
7. MARK They're not asking. No way. MARK They want to bring in a new face.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY How long have you worked for me? MARK Eighteen years. Someone young. BARNEY No. If we don't do it. No one under fifty watches the show. BARNEY So why do you still act like a girl asking permission for a sleepover? Tell me what the hell it is. Mark steps forward as Barney flips through mail on his desk. young niece who comes to live with her-BARNEY They want to fire Solange? MARK They want us to write her down in favor of a new character.
The exec's all follow inside and stand in silence. MARK We'll do it in a classy way-BARNEY I won't humiliate her like that. this is our last season. I'll give her your job before that happens. She's been on the show since day one. Maybe give Solange a sexy. BARNEY'S OFFICE . Barney heads into -12 INT.
SOLANGE I hired a new lawyer. Out! SOLANGE I want to talk Barney alone. Sexy as hell. BARNEY What language is this? SOLANGE They're from Bulgaria. Her tone
. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I feel like everyone is laughing at me.
MARK Barney. BARNEY You look like the reason we're still on the air. Barney opens the folder and scans the papers inside. They love me over there. whoa. SOLANGE I want a word with you NOW. BARNEY I'll give it my utmost attention.
Solange suddenly bursts through the crowd of Exec's and slams a FOLDER down on Barney's desk. a real shark. Press clippings about me and they just keep coming. Solange. instantly softens. Barney tosses the folder aside. how do I look? Beat. This proves what I'm really worth to the foreign market. why do we need to bring lawyers into this? Solange turns around and pushes the Exec's out. and he says-MARK Whoa.YELLOW 8-7-09
8. we have to discuss-SOLANGE OUT! She slams the door on them and turns to Barney. Tell me honestly.
Grossly overweight. JILL THE BARTENDER serves him his usual. blotchy salmon red complexion. JILL He's had more than a few already. Solange takes the cue. Barney ignores him.DAY Barney drives through downtown Montreal.DRIVING . eventually parking in front of Grumpy's Bar. 14 INT.PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (teary) Thank you. O'Hearne places a copy of the infamous book he's written "WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE" on the bar.
Not wanting to get into it. (beat) But you're still going to pay me what I deserve. SOLANGE (CONT'D) I saw the paper.DAY Barney walks into his regular watering hole . 14 13
. BARNEY'S CAR . The bar spotted with regulars who mumble hello to him. slamming the door behind her for effect. around 60. puts her game face on and storms out. How are you doing? BARNEY Fine. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. O'HEARNE You see that review in the paper today? Not bad. then takes a deep breath. slides off his barstool. With a glance. She stops just before exiting. Jill directs Barney down the bar. JILL You get home okay last night? BARNEY I got home.GRUMPY'S BAR. CUT TO: 13 INT/EXT. GRUMPY'S BAR . Barney busies himself with moving around papers.
O'HEARNE Chainsaw. You'd never have the guts to cut him up.BLUE 6-25-09 O'HEARNE (CONT'D) That's for you.
Barney opens the book . BARNEY C'mon O'Hearne.
10. you sure do go out of your way to come around here a lot. I thought I'd buy you a drink. I
O'Hearne slides the book back over to himself and clumsily flips to his hand written inscription. I even signed it. BARNEY You really want to know? Fine. my ass. Barney looks at O'Hearne. Lawrence river.dumps a handful of peanuts on the page. Look at you . Detective Sean O'Hearne".
BARNEY For someone who professes to hate me so much. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) "To Barney. Marvelling at his idiocy. BARNEY What the hell are you doing here? O'HEARNE This is a big day. be a "mensch". like you might say. If you won't tell me now. POUNDS it shut with his fist. He's very drunk. share in the moment. O'HEARNE I just want to know what you did with the body already. none of this would have been possible without you. then flips it back open and starts eating from the cracked nuts. promise you'll at least leave me a note in your will. All the best. you're bound to go first. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Why do you have to be like that? wrote a nice little note to you. I carved him up with a chainsaw.prick you with a fork on a hot summer day and you'd explode like a pan fried sausage. dumped the parts in the St.
actor. INTENSE stare.TRASTAVERE. Italian bearded artist.PAST TITLE: ROME.
11. and now the whole world is going to know what a cocksucking murderer you really are. He slides the book back over to him. Barney's Algonquin Round Table.
FLASHBACK TO: 15 EXT.
.BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO CIRCA 1974. African American.NIGHT . Panofsky. extremely handsome. O'HEARNE It's a real page turner. 1974 15
Barney is out cavorting with his crew . Lively conversations overlap. Locals. three fawning girls with him. his pants and t-shirt speckled with paint. as we move around a crowded table. O'Hearne has to tear himself away before he tries to kill Barney. Barney's eyes reluctantly drift to the COVER PHOTO of the book. O'Hearne is right up in his face. Barney with his arm around his best friend BOOGIE. LEO FASOLI. BARNEY Your breath stinks. ex-pats and plenty of girls. Copious amounts of food and drink. INSERT . RESTAURANT . O'Hearne marches out.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE This heart will still be pumping strong when your prostate turns to marble. JILL Why don't you just leave him alone already? O'HEARNE Because he got away with murder. ROME . sweetie. (looking at Barney) You screwed over everyone you ever knew or cared about.over educated contemporaries living the bohemian life in Rome. A few of Barney's standout friends being: CEDRIC RICHARDSON.
I am now posse member number 4.
BOOGIE. So I tell him . Tall and lean. Boogie is greeted by all and handed some wine. (flirtatious) You look familiar to me. as you have in thought". living the lessons of the Bard: "be as great in act. COUNTESS/MARIA Maria. LEO To Cedric. So I call up the director and tell him: "I've been offered Othello for the third straight year and I'm not going to pass it up just to play the fucking Chuck Wagon cook again. he possesses a physical and intellectual magnetism that enchants everyone who meets him.. BARNEY Amen! CEDRIC And he had the role rewritten for me. He has a stunning girl (THE COUNTESS) on his arm. Barney's eyes light up as he leaps from his chair to greet -BARNEY BOOGIE! EVERYONE Boogie/Welcome back!!
12. CEDRIC I'm Cedric. Roscoe Lee Brown? "But that's how it's written" he answers.."Roberto.PINK 7-27-09 CEDRIC . Who do I look like. CEDRIC I'm an actor.I know that I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen. the time has come for the black man to hold a gun instead of a spatula".
. Everyone toasts. Cedric makes it a point to introduce himself to The Countess. Barney's best and most cherished friend.
MARIA You look like a movie
12A. star. whispers something in his ear. the Countess. CEDRIC Who is that? BOOGIE Ah. A descendant of Giuseppe Garibaldi. LEO Where did you meet her?
The Countess then slides up to Boogie. no less. kisses him deeply. then walks off to the bathroom. Her exquisite beauty silences them all.PINK 7-27-09 I knew it.
But enough about that. actually. I only sold one piece .
13. Everyone toasts. Three months pregnant.S.
Boogie turns around to find CLARA CHAMBERS (26). skinny. that would be great. did you get through those books I sent you? BARNEY A few of them. Barney holds up the painting to show Boogie. What have you been doing with yourself? BARNEY Well. I want to hear about all of you. LEO The show was a bust. If you could find out AND get her name.
. BARNEY His work is too bold for that crowd."not so good". BOOGIE (to Barney) And so. I'm getting married. how was your showing at Galerie Des Points? The silence around the table indicates . my High Priest. She downs a shot of Grappa and lights a cigarette as she sits. tall. Otherwise known as our only friend with a real job. BOOGIE Only a few? I sent them months ago. pale and beautiful. CEDRIC Barney .to Barney. BOOGIE What?! To who? CLARA (O. gypsy shawl and skirt.our very own patron of the arts. and slightly showing at her belly. Leo.) To me.BLUE 7-3-09 BOOGIE Somewhere between my blackout in Lake Como and my hangover in SteMaxime.
Barney scowls at Clara. It's like a bad Jewish sitcom. Hymie back in Montreal. baby. He starts to soften. sharing a flask. curling herself around him like a cat. EVERYONE L'CHAIM! Everyone drinks. your happiness-CLARA (at Barney) And a three inch prick.BLUE 7-3-09 CLARA (CONT'D) Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up by way of a magical thirty seconds of friction. BARNEY Where have you been? You didn't come home last night. switches gears to soft and loving. 16 EXT. Barney shlepping Leo's painting with him.. She instantly To
14. the party around them continues on.. the whole gang pours out into the street.
CLARA I'm sorry. CLARA He comes to Europe and sells oil. It's fucking humiliating. CLARA Who remembers? (to Boogie) Has he told you what he's doing now? Exporting olive oil to some guy. She gets on his lap. Barney and Boogie lead the way. You're still my yummy yid. A toast to the newlyweds! your health. ROME STREET . BARNEY Someone needs to make a living. You're a voyeur-BOOGIE Okay. You're not one of us. BOOGIE Why did you agree to marry her? 16
..LATER THAT NIGHT Closing down the bar.
. who is quite smitten with him. CLARA Where are you going? BOOGIE Taking him out for a proper bachelor party. I'm already hung over and I'm not even done being drunk yet.
Boogie turns to the gang: Leo pulling up the rear with his girl. yeah. not a wife. and I'm fucking pregnant too. BOOGIE I don't believe what
CLARA (lighting a cigarette) Count me out. I'm seeing. BOOGIE If you say so.
15. C'mon. Oh. Cedric walking with one arm around Clara and the other around the Countess. And how do you even know it's yours? BARNEY It's mine. BOOGIE You don't own him just yet. BOOGIE So? Clara's crazy. She's a conversation piece. come on. I'm exhausted. BOOGIE He's coming with me. LEO Yeah. CLARA Oh no. Barney. BOOGIE (CONT'D) So what's the plan everyone? are we doing? What
CEDRIC I have an early call time tomorrow.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY I got her pregnant. you're not.
PINK 7-13-09 Boogie drags Barney down a side street.
17 INT. BARNEY You finished it?! BOOGIE Not quite yet. a pack of rolling papers. two packs of Gauloises. But you can read it so far. a small ball of TINFOIL. BOOGIE'S ROOM . Barney. BOOGIE We have to do it all.HOTEL CISTERNA . Then gathers his drug paraphernalia. this is brilliant. Why? BOOGIE Provisions. on and off the table.LATER Laid out on the table in Boogie's hotel room:
16. When are they publishing it? BOOGIE They're not. BARNEY Boogie. Boogie then hands Barney a thick MANUSCRIPT off the floor. They toast and drink. Hash .BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) Got any money? BARNEY Some. Barney finds two clean glasses in the messy room and pours them each a drink. Opium. BARNEY Why? BOOGIE I didn't submit it.
A bottle of Scotch.
. Horse.everything under and behind the sun. 3/4 OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH LATER Barney has gone through a hundred pages so far. Absolutely brilliant. Barney drops onto the mattress and starts right away. We only go around once. Boogie unwraps the tinfoil to reveal a ball of OPIUM inside.
. As reward. and now a shell of the hole she used to be.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Why the hell not? BOOGIE I told you. BARNEY Let me guess . Vanessa's Pussy is a pillar of religious devotion. preparing to smoke it in a pipe.Vanessa is the editor's wife. Vanessa's Pussy is suddenly fucked over and over and over again by The Supreme Being. I'm never giving it to that feckless editor. but she's left with a recurring odorous rash. INSERT . After an ungodly amount of drilling. a deity who erects himself into this temporal world as The Great Cock.MANUSCRIPT: "VANESSA'S PUSSY"
17. it's not finished yet. Vanessa's Pussy surrenders her absolute devotion to The Great Cock. And anyway. without warning or reason.
BARNEY (CONT'D) What's it about? While Boogie weaves his tale. as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips. Pious and pristine . BARNEY What about the advance they paid you? BOOGIE I wrote him another one. her elasticity is restored. (beat) For some reason the editor passed. he heats up and crumbles some of the Opium. BOOGIE It's a new interpretation of the Book of Job. Barney looks at him dumfounded. BARNEY Which? Boogie reaches over and tosses Barney a manuscript. Then one day.
BARNEY (beat) C'mon.CAMPIDOGLIO . (JUDGE'S DIALOGUE IS IN ITALIAN AND SUBTITLED). we're already late. you don't have to go through with this. Leonardo Fasoli. but the sheer bravado of the story makes them both crack up. JUDGE (CONT'D) I testimoni.
.YELLOW 8-7-09 BOOGIE Was. Barney wears a mix and match tuxedo. CUT TO: 18 EXT. Barney tries to stare him down like a disapproving parent. 19 INT. Leo accompany Barney and Clara up the steps to the Mayor's Marriage Office.CAMPIDOGLIO . BARNEY You're saying this to me now? BOOGIE I'm just saying. prego. Cedric 18
He and Boogie walk
BOOGIE Listen. JUDGE I vistri passaporti. The Judge takes a cursory glance and hands them to his CLERK.Bernardo Moscovitz. no one will think anything less of you. prego . stop dicking around and finish your book already. helps her up the stairs. wearing a black veil. BARNEY Jesus.
Boogie takes a hit off the pipe. Boogie. Boogie.DAY 19
Everyone waits for the JUDGE who looks over their paperwork. Clara is seven months pregnant.DAY Wedding day. STAIRS . Barney pours himself more Scotch and continues reading. MAGISTRATE'S OFFICE . ahead of the others. Cedric.
BARNEY Did you not think to mention this? CLARA Don't worry. is chiama Clara Chambers.Yosel and Chaim.PINK 7-27-09 Boogie and Leo step forward and sign the marriage license. CLARA (CONT'D) There. Then --
Clara SNATCHES the pen from Barney's hand and signs the license in a flash. you still got yourself a true blue Shiksa.
. Dumfounded silence. JUDGE (CONT'D) Barney Panofsky. JUDGE Non secondo il suo passaporto. BARNEY What else haven't you told me? kids I don't know about? Any
19. They're locked in our attic.
CLARA Only two . BARNEY (in bad Italian) Charnofsky? No. CLARA I was married to a Russian gangster for maybe five days. Clara says nothing. firmi qui. When you're out getting the hockey scores I let them down and force feed them pork roast milkshakes through a funnel. I just never bothered to do the paperwork to change the name back. JUDGE (CONT'D) Clara Charnofksy. firmi qui. Barney signs. Barney grabs her passport to see for himself. I ran away on the honeymoon.
AGOSTINO GEMELLI UNIVERSITY POLYCLINIC(HOSPITAL) . All around the apartment we see scraps of half written poems. trembling with white knuckle fear. She may be crazy. frantically demanding help from the nurse's desk. BARNEY Why do you peel it like that? CLARA I read somewhere this is how monkeys do it. I figured they should know. CLARA I'm sorry. Barney holds Clara in his arms as she is curled on the bed.DAY 21
Barney runs through the halls of the hospital in Rome. but she has her odd charms. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .
. clutching her black wedding veil. Barney holds her tight as she flinches at another rumble of thunder.YELLOW 8-7-09 CEDRIC (beat) Mazel Tov! 20 INT. CLARA Maybe a piece of fruit. (beat) Can I get you anything? eaten a thing all day. (beat) You still love your crazy Clara. CUT TO: 21 INT. Barney reaches over and hands her a BANANA off the table. don't you? BARNEY (beat) Of course.
THUNDER and LIGHTENING rage outside. sketches and paintings. Clara begins to peel it from the WRONG END.NIGHT
20. a child terrified of the thunder.
BARNEY I'm the father.mi dispiace . CLARA'S HOSPITAL ROOM DAY She's sketching Barney won't 23
Barney enters and sits at Clara's bedside.for our records. in Italian) I need to find my wife . (MORE)
. than back at Barney.DAY THE DOCTOR sits down. Barney is speechless.
21. lights up a cigarette. 22 INT.I will speak in English. you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. look her in the eye.
CLARA Every four hours they attach clamps to my nipples and milk me like a cow. (beat) I must ask if you know the biological father . DOCTOR (CONT'D) But your wife is healthy and will certainly be able to bear other children. a picture of Barney on a pad as they talk. (beat) I was sure it was yours-BARNEY Can we talk about this later? Barney is visibly hurt and angry. DOCTOR'S OFFICE . Or Chambers. Clara strokes his arm.PINK 7-27-09 BARNEY (to Nurse.HOSPITAL . then to his charts.
The doctor looks at Barney incredulously.Clara Panofsky. I am afraid the infant was a stillborn. Or maybe Charnofsky. 23 INT. DOCTOR Signor Panofsky .
CLARA Oh Barney. DOCTOR Then you must be an Albino.
C'mon. he walks off. Barney looks at Boogie . If you divorce me I'm entitled to half your income for the rest of your life. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT .
Barney walks down the hallway where his friends are gathered and looking somber. Boogie jumps in and wrestles Barney away from Cedric. Surprise. Barney waits. BOOGIE Easy. He just lost a son.HOSPITAL . I'm ready to talk now. 25 INT. I never knew you had such a practical streak in you. pours her a glass of water. incredulous grunt. CLARA I'm not going to let you divorce me! Barney is already out the door. CLARA Okay."what the fuck?". it's disgusting to look at. CLARA Not all us Shiksa's are (MORE) 25
. The Countess and Leo are consoling Cedric. BARNEY Clara. chumps.DAY
22.DAY Barney helps Clara onto the bed.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (beat) Now put it away. CLARA (CONT'D) I've already spoken with a lawyer. HALLWAY . BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . 24 INT. 24A EXT.DAY With an 24A
Barney helps Clara out of a taxi and into their apartment building. Barney makes a bee-line for Cedric and SUCKER PUNCHES him. man. BARNEY (up and leaving) I'll pick you up tomorrow.
BOOGIE Pass the lighter off the table. Barney walks out and never looks back. BARNEY I'll move out tomorrow. Barney! Please! DISSOLVE TO: 27 INT. Now you can finally go back home. I'll settle for a year's rent on this dump and an allowance of fifty dollars a week. STAIRWELL . BOOGIE'S ROOM . BARNEY (grabbing a few clothes) As always. I'm not a pig despite what you might think. CLARA Wait! I'm sorry. Barney! Let's start over! Please. CLARA Come now. CLARA Oh look. BARNEY My uncle Irv offered to get me into TV production. 26 INT. 27
23. the color's come back into your cheeks. You'll be able to entertain them all at the United Jewish Appeal galas with stories about Crazy Clara Chambers before she got famous. Boogie crumples some hash to roll in a joint. Now get the hell out while I try and rustle up a proper fuck.
Clara runs out and screams down the stairwell after Barney.HOTEL CISTERNA . your insight is dazzling.someone who shops.DAY Barney is aggressively chopping vegetables as he prepares food.PINK 7-27-09 CLARA (CONT'D) (lights a cigarette) Look. I did you a great favor. tongue your way into proper society and find yourself a nice Jewish girl . He says there's all these tax loopholes in Canada that make it foolproof.
.CONTINUOUS Where Clara lies dead on the bed. Nothing. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . Clara. Her sketches and poetry scattered all over the room. BEDROOM . empty wine bottles. The candles completely burned away. 30 INT.CONTINUOUS A charred chicken and a tray of latkes out on the stove. He sees an ENVELOPE addressed to him.. Shit. wakening to a POUNDING on the door. Barney drops to her. that.. He opens it and pulls out a HANDWRITTEN NOTE: CLARA'S VOICE (V.) Dear Barney. well up with tears. I think it came a few days ago. the abstract painting of Leo's. throwing the lighter at him on his way out the door. Barney looks at Boogie with disgust. I think it's important we talk. BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . I'm sorry. An empty bottle of sleeping pills at her side. I need you.O.PINK 7-27-09
24. 31 INT. ashtrays. Please come for dinner tonight at eight. Sorry. BARNEY When did this come? BOOGIE What? Oh.
Barney reaches for the lighter. to a hung over Barney.DAY PANNING OVER soiled laundry.DAY Barney runs up the stairs. I forgot. 29 INT.. His eyes DISSOLVE TO: 32 INT..DAY Barney rushes in and finds a table set for a candlelight dinner for two.VILLA DELLA FONTE . I'll even make latkes. snoozing on the sofa. 28 INT. I really do miss you. STAIRWELL . KITCHEN . feels for a pulse. Yours. BARNEY Clara? He slowly moves through the apartment. 32 31 30 29 28
CHARNOFKSY She's been saying that since she was ten. Clara made it. Your machuten. Barney climbs over packed cartons labelled: "Clara's poetry. Are you going to invite me in? Still in a haze. CHARNOFSKY (50). CHARNOFKSY So you lost a son and I lost a daughter. Charnofsky wanders in. An Orthodox Jew. May there be no more mourning in your house or mine. His tie has been neatly rent (cut) with scissors. BARNEY The Russian? CHARNOFKSY Brighton Beach. (beat) She said her parents were dead. (looking Barney over) So you're the one she married? (off Barney's nod) I understand there was a child. (MORE)
25. drawn to look like Satan. Clara's Paintings". I'm Clara's father. BARNEY We lost him.
Rising unsteadily. Hands clasped behind his back. CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Who would buy such a disgusting thing? BARNEY Actually. BARNEY Are you here about the apartment? CHARNOFKSY I'm Chaim Charnofsky. black hat. He is immediately drawn to a specific INK SKETCH: The completed sketch Clara started in the hospital: Barney. studying the apartment. Clara's Sketches. Barney steps to the side. along with a group of demons ravishing a pregnant young woman who looks much like Clara. black wool coat and a Van Dyke beard. stands there. He opens the door.
That's when I started locking her in the attic. My wife would bring her food. She would refuse to eat. (MORE)
. then she would vomit all over me on purpose. It's not a princely living. KITCHEN . we'd have to force feed her chicken soup through a funnel. leave it outside the door. but you should know this wasn't the first time my Clara tried to kill herself. 33
CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) I can imagine the guilt you're carrying right now. Ship them to my nephew. (looking at boxes) Clara's things? BARNEY Her notebooks. He's a professor of literature at NYU. Pours himself another. She'd run away for days and sneak black boys into the house so the whole neighborhood could see. It all started when she was twelve.MOMENTS LATER Barney pours them each a Scotch. My wife wanted to die.
CUT TO: 33 INT. She was a danger to everyone. You should have a publisher look at them. Charnofsky finishes his drink. "I'm not Jewish".BLUE 6-25-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) (beat) You have a bisel Schnapps?
26. Tearing her hair out in clumps. ink drawings. diaries. CHARNOFKSY Diaries. "you're not my parents" she'd scream. but they provide us with an apartment. CHARNOFKSY I'm the Cantor of the B'Nai Jacob synagogue. Poems. you said? Filth about me and her mother. People think highly of her work. He used to encourage her. I'm sure.
BARNEY I think you should leave. The Head Rabbi's son-inlaw. the best in town. CHARNOFSKY What? I've upset you? BARNEY Get out of here. went to Harvard. CHARNOFSKY You act all high and mighty with me?! Barney takes hold of his arm and frog-marches him to the door and out into the hallway.you know why? Clara left a number two on the plate. BARNEY God didn't lock a sick child in the attic.CONTINUOUS CHARNOFSKY You couldn't have made her so happy either or she wouldn't have done that to herself.
STAIRWELL OUTSIDE BARNEY/CLARA'S APARTMENT . CHARNOFSKY You dare speak to me that way? After all my wife and I endured for that child. but only God determines the outcome. God didn't place his daughter in the hands of a molester then apologize for any embarrassment she may have caused him. You think Clara was grateful? "He felt up my tits" she would scream in front of everyone at the hospital. We did everything we could.
. 34 INT. Kupner.BLUE 7-3-09 CHARNOFKSY (CONT'D) Once she goes to collect the dishes and lets out a shriek . CHARNOFSKY You're telling me? We went to Dr.
27. It was a horror. BARNEY She was obviously sick.
MICHAEL'S LOFT .BROOKLYN . looking at the strainer quizzically. I wish makkes on you and your unborn children! 35 INT. Pulls out a STRAINER from a cupboard.DAY . Sparsely decorated and immaculate except for his cluttered work area filled with papers and stacks upon stacks of books. mamzer. BARNEY Get out NOW.? MICHAEL What?
28. CHARNOFSKY The man at the embassy told me she was dead two days before you found her. in his Brooklyn loft.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. He pauses for a moment.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Get out.KITCHEN . INTERCUT BARNEY What do you call that thing you use for pasta. oysvorf. Barney's son. 36 INT. MICHAEL Hi dad.
Charnofsky scrambles down the stairs.. yelling back at Barney-CHARNOFSKY Murderer.SAME TIME 36 35 *
MICHAEL (26). Barney stirring a pot of boiling pasta.. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . It's ready. BARNEY Michael. Two days! Where were you her loving husband?! An irate Barney takes a menacing step toward him. He grabs the phone and dials. Turns the burner off.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY I'm holding it in my goddamn hand the thing to strain pasta... MICHAEL A strainer? BARNEY The other word. MICHAEL Colander. BARNEY COLANDER. See, this is what you have to look forward to. Barney prepares his pasta as he talks. MICHAEL This is why you called? BARNEY And to say hello. MICHAEL Hello. Beat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I read online that O'Hearne's book finally came out. BARNEY Yeah, I heard about that. MICHAEL How is it? BARNEY How would I know? I wouldn't read that garbage.
Barney shuts O'Hearne's book, which we now see was open and dog-eared on the counter. Just then, Michael's fiancee CAROLINE (28) comes home. A young lawyer in a power suit. She flips off her heels, gives him a kiss. CAROLINE (whisper) Who's that?
YELLOW 8-7-09 MICHAEL My dad. Caroline sneers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Dad, I have to go, Caroline just got home. She says hi. BARNEY No she doesn't. How's the thesis coming along? MICHAEL It's not, but I did find a title: "The colonialist racial ideologies of Western modernism in Bellow's work". BARNEY Catchy. Thanks. Sure. Michael hangs up. MICHAEL I gotta go. BARNEY
MOVE WITH BARNEY as he carries his bowl of pasta out to the BAR where he fixes himself a Scotch. After pouring his drink he pauses for a moment to stare at one of the many personal photos hanging behind the bar. When he walks away WE REMAIN ON THE PHOTO he was looking at: In Black & White - Barney and his uncle IRV NUSSBAUM posing at a Fundraiser for Israel. FLASHBACK TO: 37 INT. OFFICE OF IRV NUSSBAUM - DAY - PAST TITLE: MONTREAL 1975 37
Barney is in the office of his uncle, IRV NUSSBAUM (60). While Irv is on the phone, Barney peruses a wall of PLAQUES dedicated to Irv for his efforts in supporting Israel. IRV (into phone) --Abe, you know what happened last night? (MORE)
GREEN 8-7-09 IRV (CONT'D) Some nazi punks took a shit right on the steps of the Beth Zion... that's right. That's why you can't get complacent with your support - we need Israel. I don't have to tell you where things like this lead to - it starts with a turd, next thing we're wearing arm bands again... (nodding)... wonderful, oh and you're coming for dinner this Friday, right? Great. Irv hangs up, pleased as punch. IRV (CONT'D) Donations go through the roof when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
CUT TO: 38 EXT. STREET - DAY Irv and Barney get out of Irv's Cadillac and walk. IRV I'm going to trust you with a few pledge cards to begin with. You do good for Israel, good will come your way. Now, the rules of the game: Never visit your target in the office where he's king shit and you're just another shmuck looking for a handout. You lure the lion out with meat -CUT TO: 39 INT. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE - DAY Lunch time. Black tie waiters carry big juicy steaks, cole slaw, and pickles to businessmen in booths. IRV --And no one does meat like Moishe's. Irv shakes hands with practically every big wig having lunch. CUT TO: * 39 * 38 * *
32. IRV This is my table. He's getting the hang of this. BARNEY (to Target 1) It could happen here. 41 INT. I'll give you the target's annual income. 40 * *
Israel is our CUT TO:
INT. nowhere else. fat cat. A silver-haired. IRV'S CONDO . It could happen here. BARNEY Who's to say it couldn't happen here? Israel is our insurance policy. CUT TO: 44 INT. Barney's sporting a good haircut and a nice suit.NIGHT (1976) Barney's holding court a group of big wigs which include all the TARGETS we've already seen. He's certainly found his stride in 'proper' society.
BARNEY It could happen here. Israel is our insurance policy. Barney looks a little green around the collar.O. 44
.GREEN 8-7-09 40 MOVING WITH TWO NEW YORK STEAKS Which are brought to Irv and Barney.
INT.FLASH FORWARD Barney having steak with TARGET 1.FLASH FORWARD
Barney with TARGET 3.
MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE . Not the numbers on his tax returns .COCKTAIL FUNDRAISER . Israel is our CUT TO:
Barney with TARGET 2. insurance policy.FLASH FORWARD He's getting a little more comfortable.DAY . insurance policy.
MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .) --You slam dunk him on the Holocaust. you tell him. MOISHE'S STEAK HOUSE .DAY .DAY .the real numbers. IRV (V. now seated. You sit here.
standing in Reuben's Butchershop on St. she has a master's from McGill. but tell Marv about the TV deal. Now listen. IRV Listen. IRV (CONT'D) What did I tell you. Viateur wearing my hair in a pigtail tied with this velvet ribbon (MORE)
33. Sit. Cute. 'JAP'. boychick? Fundraising. P (CONT'D) --But in the dream I'm 16 again. IRV Gentlemen.
. BARNEY Irv. P sit in a corner away from the rest of the guests. TARGET 2 Is it a good show? TARGET 1 It's a mound of shit but it's the best goddamn tax shelter I've ever had. stylishly dressed. I got a girl I want you to meet. we get that. voluptuous. P You must be Barney. SECOND MRS. P (30). and she's a real looker. Irv escorts Barney away. but it could happen here. They're hitting it off. I need to borrow my nephew for a moment. Irv taps the shoulder of THE SECOND MRS. it's all the same dance. LATER Barney and The Second Mrs.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY --And I hate to say it. TARGET 1 Absolutely. Irv's told me all about you. I don't need to be set up. producing. this girl's got it all comes from a VERY good family. SECOND MRS.
BARNEY So.the WASPiest Jews you've ever seen. When I was ten he'd come around from behind the counter and ask "how come a beauty like you isn't married yet?" So it's true your father is really a cop? That's why you're not a square like most of the Jewish boys I meet -what are you smiling about? You're a little devil aren't you. It's clear they are far from happy about this union. Panofsky. IZZY I got it.. she is sexy and the picture perfect Jewish wife. that's the housekeeper. fine china.
34. watch the language and mind the manners. P Mr.Did you know Reuben? He was such a card. kid..
The door opens--
Dinner with the soon to be IN-LAWS . FORMAL DINING ROOM . ON BARNEY AND IZZY IZZY (CONT'D) MAZEL TOV! BARNEY Dad. Everyone eats in horribly awkward silence. dad. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories.NIGHT Barney and IZZY (60). THE SECOND MRS. Don't worry.
. 46 INT.LATER Classical music. stares at them coldly. The gentle tinkling of silver cutlery on Barney rings the bell. They reach the door. Her grating qualities aside. Izzy's carrying a bottle of Scotch for a gift. P'S PARENTS MANSION . Polish housekeeper. 45 EXT. his father. having been a detective and all. walk up the steep steps. P (CONT'D) my Aunt Sarah got me from Saks -.BLUE 6-25-09 SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. IZZY Swanky. Maybe Irv's right. A short. remember.
I corner four guys doing a dope deal in an alley. And I was just a beat cop.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY Please. IZZY You can't be soft with these degenerates. BARNEY He means unnecessarily. call me Izzy. then haul 'em all in. I call for backup 'cuz the rules say you can only put three in a patrol car.you figure it out". handcuff him to the side-view mirror. IZZY Only when he blocked my view. I ain't gonna work for free. You think they send anyone to help? The dispatcher says to me: "your people are good with numbers . MOTHER-IN-LAW I meant for him. FATHER-IN-LAW Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons? IZZY Gratuitously? I always got paid. and I'm trying to play it by the book. So I toss three in the back.
. when a feller is young and you give him authority. IZZY Look. he likes to push (MORE)
35. Big score for a rookie. gorgeous. Jews don't get promoted to detective in this town. MOTHER-IN-LAW Have you encountered anti-semitism in your profession? IZZY What do you think? Let me give you an example: One of my first shifts on the job. throw the fourth across the hood. MOTHER-IN-LAW Oh my God. that's so dangerous.
YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) people around. But I had to be extra careful because I knew my name was Panofsky.
. And most of the time I was.
Barney flinches. Let's make a toast. P squeezes Barney high up his leg.. CUT TO: 47 INT/EXT. You never know what tomorrow brings. Barney and The Second Mrs.
IZZY I call it like I see it. so what do I know? (to Second Mrs.. Boogie looks like 47 * *
BARNEY I was starting to think you weren't going to show up.what a sweet little casserole you are. I wore my name on my badge for everyone to see and all I ever did was walk the beat. then drinks along with Izzy and Mrs. P. The In-Laws set their glasses back down without sipping. Izzy. CAR . P raises their glasses. Cutlery tinkling. The In-Laws don't even reach for theirs.
.GREEN 8-7-09 Most? Did maybe your stunted by and not by FATHER-IN-LAW you ever consider that career advancement was your professional conduct imagined prejudices?
36. Everyone continues eating. But you're the one with the mansion on the hill.DRIVING . MOTHER-IN-LAW It's fish. It's been two months since I last heard from you. So get to shtupping and multiply already.MONTREAL AIRPORT . he hasn't slept for days. IZZY (CONT'D) To the blessed match of our lovebirds. IZZY (CONT'D) This chicken is great. Under the table Mrs.DAY (1977) Barney driving Boogie from the airport. P) You got brains from him and beauty from her .
I have no doubt of. CEREMONY HALL .
. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on me. all with the same haircut.GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE Has it really? Shit. Anyway. have I got stories for you.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . and her PARENTS . you haven't even met her yet. Do you think after the dinner I can slip out to catch the third period? BOOGIE I don't know. wiping tears of joy. THE SECOND MRS. BARNEY C'mon. BOOGIE Listen. and his ushers: IRV. BARNEY That.no questions asked. RECEPTION HALL .still hoping this is just a nightmare. LEO and even CEDRIC. ON BARNEY'S SIDE OF THE "CHUPAH": Izzy.NIGHT
37. I have two tickets in the red to the Stanley Cup game tonight. The band is ripping it up through a raucous HORA that carries over the following moments: Barney and his mates do the Hora the way it should be done. man. BARNEY Fuck me.
* * * * * *
300 guests. 48 INT.DAY CRAACCK! Barney crushes the glass underfoot. The congregation CHEERS! MAZEL TOV! He kisses his bride. 49 INT. A huge affair.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . P SQUEALING and BARNEY feeling queasy as they are HOISTED up and down on chairs. ON THE BRIDE'S SIDE: Ten weeping maids of honor. are you sure you want to go through with this? We can turn around and be on a flight to Rome in a few hours . Brides tend to be a little touchy about things like that. BOOGIE.
Barney slips out from the crowd and races to the bar -CU . RECEPTION HALL . Shit. LEO AND CEDRIC toasting him.zip.Father-In-Law watching Izzy with disdain. P deeply enjoying her food -IZZY making eyes at a curvaceous woman with a plunging neckline -. 52 INT.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . PLATES LAND at various tables.A BLACK & WHITE TV hidden behind the bar showing the hockey game.NIGHT 52 BARTENDER Bruins just scored. wiping his nose from having just done a hit of coke. LEO You would think they could pretend just for the night. then looks back to the dancefloor where he sees IZZY getting funky with The Second Mrs. Izzy and friends at the bar watching the game.
.The Second Mrs.* 50 * * * *
AN ARMY OF SERVERS burst forth from the kitchen carrying entrees. Barney downs another shot.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . CEDRIC Mazel Tov!! Father-In-Law musters a polite nod. 51 INT. MOVING DOWN THE HEAD TABLE The bride's side of the family all prim and proper -.GREEN 8-7-09 50 INT. P. RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY What's the score? One .NIGHT
38. RECEPTION HALL . But Father-In-Law's gaze is then drawn further down the table by -BOOGIE. He joins Barney.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . BARNEY *
Boogie emerges from behind the band.NIGHT
* * * * * * * * * 51 *
The BAND playing an upbeat number for a jam-packed dancefloor. BOOGIE I've seen happier looking parents in abortion clinic waiting rooms.
P Barney! Your father is sitting with the Rabbi! Go to do something quick! She SHOVES him toward the table. Then more shots.
The Second Mrs.
They all do a round of shots. P lunges onto him from out of nowhere-SECOND MRS. shots. Go Habs! BARNEY/BARTENDER Come on! And more
38A.GREEN 8-7-09 AT THE BAR Everyone ROARS at a near miss. His FATHER IN LAW watching in disgust.
. Irv. loves every minute of it.GREEN 8-7-09 RABBI'S TABLE
38B. knowing Izzy.
The Rabbi and the other guests are visibly horrified by Izzy's anecdotes.
I never bust the girls. everyone knows The Almighty tests the Jewish man with two great temptations: shiksas and bacon.
39.. IZZY C'mon Rabbi. Panosfky. 53 INT. except for Irv. they provide a valuable service . what's in your pocket?
. IZZY What.. butt naked with a hard-on like a can of hairspray-IRV Iz. But then. like they've never heard about such things? RABBI Mr.but we do it for appearances.
At this moment he couldn't
BARNEY (CONT'D) Dad. there are ladies present.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY --so we're shaking down a rub and tug . Anyway. Barney gives his father a big hug. I'll be right back. What are you laughing at? BARNEY Come here. maybe you should tone it down a little.NIGHT IZZY Nice bunch of folks here tonight. we're doing our thing and one of the clients some crazy Hungarian Nazi loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape shit .he comes at me with a chair.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . As Barney escorts Izzy away. love him more. disperses. I thought they'd all be snobby but I'm actually having a hell of a time. the ENTIRE TABLE. can I steal you away for a minute? IZZY Don't anybody move. RECEPTION HALL . BARNEY Dad.
Barney turns away. Just as he is about to reach him. something catches his eye that stops him in his tracks.
40. I want you to have it. BARNEY Thank you. From inside his jacket.. no. don't embarrass me. They walk to the bar. Gets his father in law in his sights. Izzy pulls out a GUN In Hanukkah wrapping paper. Barney grabs a bottle himself and refills their glasses. Barney stomps off. BARNEY I don't know what to say. IZZY Say thank you and get us a drink.
Slide out their glasses for refills. Barney is mesmerized. but then cuts right back -(O. IZZY (CONT'D) Your wedding present. FATHER IN LAW Barney? Can I help you? BARNEY Uh.S.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY I almost forgot. classy.
BARTENDER Your father-in-law said that neither of you was to have any more to drink. forget it. Izzy takes Barney to a quiet corner. pushing through the crowd. striking eyes. IZZY (CONT'D) My first gun.MIRIAM GRANT (28).. BARNEY Where is that asshole? IZZY Barney. BARNEY POV ACROSS THE ROOM .)
He emerges from a cluster of guests and spots Miriam. 54 INT. RECEPTION HALL .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again. She's chatting with a HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (JEFF) who excuses himself and goes to the bar. He's my father and he'll have your respect. notices the UNLIT cigar he's holding. And Barney sets out again for Miriam. MIRIAM That's a little harsh. not to mention really drunk. Father-In-Law is speechless. BARNEY Totally Unnecessary Productions.
MIRIAM Thank you for having me. That's something he can never tire of. I'm Barney. (CONT'D) * * *
MIRIAM I understand you're in television. FATHER IN LAW He traumatized the Rabbi's wife-BARNEY I don't care if he fingered her under the table.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . She laughs. BARNEY That's the name of my company. MIRIAM Are you alright? Fine. BARNEY We haven't met yet. BARNEY Perfect.NIGHT
41. Barney walks right up to her.
Barney is like a nervous and awkward teenager. Miriam
you guessed it. Over her shoulder he spots the Bartender waving to get his attention the score now 1-1. who sit among the workers and literally read stories to them all day while they work. BARNEY Oh. MIRIAM Nice touch. MIRIAM Fine cigars are all still rolled by hand. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Do you know why they're called Montecristo's? BARNEY Not a clue. She grabs a box of matches from the table. the workers favorite story was. MIRIAM Please. Entertainment to make the day pass better. As she lights his cigar and talks it's as if the whole world around him has disappeared. BARNEY YES. It's a Montecristo.
* * *
MIRIAM Who's winning?
. I wouldn't want it to bother you. At the factory which produces this Montecristo. BARNEY Lectors. BARNEY The hockey game. The cigar houses employ "lectors" . the Count of said name. MIRIAM What is it? Nothing.
42.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Your cigar is out. that's okay. don't you think? He's utterly smitten. The entire moment incredibly intimate.readers.
P directly behind him. He stands.S. MIRIAM Congratulations again. hockey? You follow
43.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY Habs just tied it up. P She went to McGill with me. rises and extends her hand. and with perfect manners. takes her hand and would never let go if she didn't take it back. He stares at her walking away until-SECOND MRS. P Barney? The Second Mrs. but I do read newspapers. 55 INT.sure . I have a train to catch later. Lunch at Dal Bolognese on the Piazza del Popolo. The kind who subscribes to The Economist then buys Vogue off the stand. MIRIAM The bride may take issue with that.)
.why? SECOND MRS. P I see you met Miriam. BARNEY Back to New York? She nods. She's such a snob that one. *
MIRIAM No. Anyway. works in radio now. LATER RECEPTION HALL . don't you find? BARNEY Yeah . BARNEY Yes! SECOND MRS.no . BARNEY Are you doing anything later? We can still catch the flight to Rome. Now come explain to Judy and Leon that you don't make pornography.NIGHT 55 (O.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL .
BOOGIE (CONT'D) Oh.NIGHT Barney darts out of the Ritz Hotel and jumps into a taxi. Cars are honking. SECOND MRS. BOOGIE (CONT'D) Classy dame. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . They knock glasses. I almost forgot. BOOGIE I'll never miss any of your weddings. Smart as a whip too." BARNEY (CONT'D) Boogie. INSERT . P Oh Barney. for the first time in my life I am truly. Boogie sits beside him. It's raining. CONGRATULATIONS. BARNEY Who? Boogie points Barney across the room to MIRIAM. irretrievably in love. Traffic is at a standstill so Barney hops back out and decides to go by foot. 56 EXT.GREEN 8-7-09 Barney downs yet another Scotch. so am I. he's drunk and looks miserable. His tie loose around his neck. She has her coat on and is walking out with the Handsome Young Man. So am I. draping her arms around his neck. 57 OMITTED 56 * *
Boogie rifles through his pockets then hands Barney a NOTE. Boogie. The Second Mrs. seriously. people pouring out into the streets to celebrate their Hockey team's victory.
44. P appears behind him. wiping his sniffling. coked-up nose. MIRIAM. BARNEY Thanks for being here.HANDWRITTEN NOTE "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME.
NIGHT Barney makes his way through the train.on your WEDDING NIGHT. She's wearing her reading glasses. looking for Miriam. He sees the FLASHING LIGHT indicating the entrance to the NEW YORK CITY PLATFORM. 58
. Shuts her book .S.Herzog by Saul Bellow. Thinking fast on his feet. overtaken by an unfamiliar sense of euphoria.GREEN 8-7-09 57A INT.NIGHT
45. She's stunned. whom he finally spots. or I'll go with you-MIRIAM Are you out of your mind?! BARNEY I'm heels over head..) Leaving Montreal in two minutes! MIRIAM How can you say you're in love with me? We just met . TRAIN . Barney hurtles down the UPWARD rolling escalator to sneak onto the platform. passing from car to car. Just being able to look at her makes him feel good. MIRIAM What are you doing here?! BARNEY Run away with me. BARNEY I like you with glasses. sprints down the stairs into the station.. Barney grins from ear to ear. engrossed in a novel. where a porter is checking passengers tickets. soaking wet. Barney takes a moment just to watch her. He drops into the seat next to her. She takes them off. 58 INT. bent over backwards in love with you-CONDUCTOR (O. 57A* *
Barney. MIRIAM What? BARNEY Run away with me. CENTRAL TRAIN STATION . or stay with me.
And I don't care if it happened on my wedding night.S. at a funeral.. (O. It's happened. He runs faster into a flat-out sprint trying to get back on and then-TRIPS and falls HARD onto the concrete platform. sobriety and regret are anxiously waiting up for you.D.)
46. CONDUCTOR I. MIRIAM Go home. watching him still chasing after her. Barney finally concedes.every breath between every word completely sincere and sober: BARNEY I can't believe this really happens. just like that.the train LURCHES forward as it begins to pull out. Among other things. sits at the window. Every word he says . 59 INT.D. Miriam 59 *
But then her eyes turn to Barney. That smile is enough to melt his heart.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) This isn't funny! Get off this train right now. unconcerned with how utterly foolish he appears -and she smiles at him.NIGHT Barney runs along with the train as it picks up speed. on my death bed. but won't look at him. tickets. BARNEY I don't have I. CONDUCTOR Then you'll have to get off the train. He stands .
Miriam hands over her documents to the conductor. TRAIN PLATFORM . It really does. Beat. BARNEY You look fantastic in that dress. Barney gets off the train. or a ticket. Barney.
FATHER IN LAW We thought you were dead. THE GUN has fallen out of Barney's jacket onto the floor.
.he's a mess.ROME .
47. the hospitals.DAY 61
On their honeymoon. BARNEY Could you put that away please? It's our honeymoon not a travel junket. The Second Mrs. P trying to manage a huge fold-out map of Rome. SECOND MRS. P runs out and wraps herself around him. Oops. SECOND MRS. P I'm embarrassing you? BARNEY Yes. P Oh my God. I could have told you what it was for. Whether that was concern or hope is unclear. P'S PARENTS MANSION .GREEN 8-7-09 60 INT. Stein gave me a half a Valium-THUD. PIAZZA DI SPAGNA . SECOND MRS. The Second Mrs. Barney steps inside. Barney and The Second Mrs. bloody knee and palms. P Like with the bidet? BARNEY You didn't have to ask the concierge. are you okay? We thought you were dead!! We called the police. Everyone falls silent. P Do you have a Masters degree? BARNEY No. P are walking through the shopping district adjacent to the Spanish Steps. THE SECOND MRS. I was so ferklempt Dr. SECOND MRS. Barney is morose and ill-tempered. 60 *
Ripped pants.NIGHT The door opens revealing Barney .
CUT TO: 61 EXT.
Barney lays on the bed reading the sports section of the International Herald Tribune. I'm just saying. they banned Cyril from the men's locker room at the Y.. Okay. HONEYMOON SUITE . sure. HONEYMOON SUITE . What's wrong with that? Would you prefer he be like cousin Cyril?.. you should see the bathrobes we've got here. We came to Rome to have fun not mourn the death of your first wife.. I wore it today and boy did I turn a lot of heads. I'm going to wear it to temple on the high holidays.. SECOND MRS. That perks him up
48. Barney only likes going shopping when I'm buying lingerie.ROME . P Am I embarrassed? She stares him down for a moment. I'll talk to you tomorrow..YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.M. P (into phone) --It's from Dior.A.H..DAY 62 63
The Second Mrs. P (into phone) --Ma.. Ma.. Okay.
CUT TO: 62 63 OMITTED INT. P models her acquisitions for a bored Barney as she talks long distance to her mother. Arlene will die on the spot...HOTEL .. Of course I will.. tell Daddy I love him. DISSOLVE TO: 64 INT.ROME . SECOND MRS. P cuts the labels off her designer clothes while on the phone to her mother. and the soaps are to die for. P (CONT'D) Snap out of it..HOTEL .DAY 64
The Second Mrs. I'll talk to you tomorrow. She yanks him into a LINGERIE STORE.. slightly. SECOND MRS. I've already stuffed three bars in my suitcase for you.
I didn't even invite her. BARNEY Jeff seems gay. SECOND MRS. My cousin Jeff brought her. I think she was from New York. SECOND MRS. BARNEY Who was she again?
49. SECOND MRS.. P She was a few years behind me at McGill. BARNEY I was just thinking about the wedding. the family. P Well. SECOND MRS. She gets onto the bed beside him. P It was beautiful wasn't it? BARNEY Lots of relatives. the one in the blue dress. (beat) Who was that guy from Chicago? SECOND MRS. Oh good. Jeff is gay. And what about that girl. we do have a big family. P Miriam Grant.
SECOND MRS.YELLOW 8-7-09 She hangs up and starts putting away the day's purchases. Beat. P Good? SECOND MRS. Right. P He just pretends for BARNEY
. BARNEY You certainly do.. P My cousin Isaac? BARNEY Right.
accidentally bumping the young woman standing behind them without apologizing. I'm late. COFFEE SHOP . P Okay. P With soap? BARNEY Yes. Hurrying down the street.DAY .but then POPS back up. Barney passes a BOOKSTORE where a new biography of CLARA CHAMBERS is prominently featured in the window display.
The Second Mrs. P I don't think so. MONTREAL STREET . The familiar ink drawing she made of Barney drawn as Satan. SECOND MRS.
50. I took a cab. KATE That's okay. SECOND MRS. We'll call her ORGANI-GIRL. gracing its cover. BARNEY Sorry. She dives back under and starts in again.CONTINUOUS KATE is already waiting in line. P slides underneath the covers and starts going down -. 66 65
.DAY .BOOKSTORE . I just got here. It's like enduring CUT TO: 65 EXT. a highly invasive procedure.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (covering) Better he should live a lie than inconvenience your family.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Nap? SECOND MRS. 66 INT. Barney squeezes through the crowd. P (CONT'D) Did you wash it like I asked? BARNEY Yeah. SECOND MRS. (gets under bedspread) I'm going to take a quick nap before dinner.
you opt for something infinitely worse. you signed him up to an Al-Queda website. but instead of trying to make up for it. before the recent phone incident you got Blair a subscription to "Boy Toy" monthly using his work address. haven't I?
51. flaxseed . my favorite offspring? KATE To tell you the truth .is not going to happen. No crazies today. Before that. (to Kate) Continue. (to cashier) Two double espressos.perplexed. BARNEY What are you talking about? KATE Are you kidding? BARNEY I'm really not. BARNEY I've upset Claire. The man still can't fly out of the country.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY And how are you. (to Barney) You do something awful.this . BARNEY By what? KATE By you. KATE Doesn't it make you crazy? ORGANI-GIRL They just don't listen to anything-BARNEY (to Organi-Girl) Hey. ORGANI-GIRL (leaning in) My father does the same thing.
. KATE Dad.
You got divorced. KATE My point is. he's a nasty piece of work. STREET . BARNEY They're married. BARNEY He stole her from me. KATE An apology wouldn't hurt either.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE You've upset Mom. KATE No he didn't. She got remarried. They get their coffees and walk to the door. I have a date. but it's time to let it go. I'm sorry.CONTINUOUS KATE There was no one rooting for a comeback more than I was. BARNEY Funny.
. BARNEY Nice boy? KATE No. BARNEY (CONT'D) Why don't you come up to the cottage this weekend? KATE Actually. 67 EXT.
52. it's time to lay off Blair. BARNEY Apologize to who? Kate gives up. Blair is too much of a chicken shit to say anything. Stick to the facts. BARNEY (kissing her cheek) You are truly my proudest achievement. They're happily married.
.COTTAGE . A RUSTLING comes from the woods. BARNEY'S CAR .COUNTRY ROAD . 67A INT/EXT.DRIVING . behind him. (laughing it off) Well. What? BARNEY Where did I park my car? KATE You took a cab.
EXT. reading "THE LIFE OF HEINRICH HEINE". I like him.DAY Barney drives out of the city. Probably a squirrel. A Montecristo.MONTREAL BRIDGE . KATE (CONT'D) Confused.NIGHT Barney is relaxing on the deck of his lakeside cottage. Barney stops walking. I definitely need a weekend in the country. BARNEY'S CAR .
The gorgeous Montreal skyline 68
INT/EXT.DRIVING . BARNEY Right. I think that's a sign of maturity.YELLOW 8-7-09 KATE He's very nice. It's our third date and I'm not bored silly or madly in love. Barney looks up but it's pitch black out there. 68 Looks around.DAY Barney drives along a country road toward his cottage. We'll see. Macallan's. DECK .
) Great. nurse. TV SOUNDSTAGE . low cut outfit. you'd think it just-BARNEY To let you finish that thought would be an insult to stupidity. turning around! The crew go about 70
Solange immediately bursts into tears. Hoping. O'MALLEY Hopefully the weather will be more forgiving next time I pass through. this time a little closer. their business. Wearing a tight. leans on the wood railing. Barney stands. she's tending to O'MALLEY who has a small cut on his forehead. Waiting for something to appear. The sound carries over to -FLASHBACK TO: 70 INT. CUT! DIRECTOR (O. trying to see through the darkness.S. We now see why she was originally hired. she's a total knockout.DAY .
Something RUSTLES again. he hears the faint sound of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE approaching. Constable. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (to Barney) What's wrong with Solange?
BARNEY Her fiancee died in a plane crash. Look at her. SOLANGE Thank you for landing us safely.PAST (1977) A young Solange is acting in a scene staged in an obviously fake mock-up of an AIRPLANE COCKPIT SET. DIRECTOR That was over a year ago. SOLANGE Well you can be sure my landing strip will be cleared for you.PINK 7-27-09
54. From a distance. O'MALLEY Thank you.
BLUE 6-25-09 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Barney. INTERCUT BARNEY You got my flowers? MIRIAM I got the flowers.DAY BARNEY (into phone) Miriam?! 72 INT. Actions They have consequences. MIRIAM Well. 71 INT. Why don't we talk about it over lunch. I don't know where to start with how inappropriate all this is.OFFICE . Really? matter. NEW YORK RADIO STATION . MIRIAM You're a married man and I won't be involved with you in any way. BARNEY I know. there's a call for you. this has to stop. and the gifts every week it's something else.
.SAME TIME Miriam closes the door to a tiny office for privacy. words matter. I could be there tomorrow-MIRIAM Are you listening to me? BARNEY Every word. MIRIAM Barney. BARNEY Just skip ahead to where I've already gone from annoying and inappropriate to charming and endearing.SOUNDSTAGE . I'm sorry. A Miriam Grant-Barney BOLTS from his chair. OFFICE . (MORE)
then act accordingly.. (curt) I have to go. SECOND MRS. P'S HOUSE . SHOPPING BAGS from high end department stores stretch along the entire length of the ground floor hallway. BARNEY I'm so happy you called.
56. 73 EXT. rearranging knick-knacks. 74 INT. you have a wonderful figure for a woman your age. you understand me. No. MIRIAM (surprised) Well. as you have in thought".. With the phone tucked to her ear. Well it's the only voice I have so if you don't like it we can start sending each other telegrams instead.. P flutters about.
. P (into phone) --I had a bowl of cottage cheese and fruit. Stop this nonsense and focus on your marriage.. The Second Mrs. MIRIAM What am I saying? BARNEY (beat) "Be great in act.MORNING 73
A nouveau riche house in a nouveau riche neighborhood. yes. BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. what did I say wrong?.. Thank you. There's no doubting it's The Second Mrs. I'm watching my figure. so don't eat bagels if they make you bloated. P'S HOUSE . BARNEY AND THE SECOND MRS. P who decorated it..MORNING 74
The furnishings of their home are excessive and overbearing...BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) If you want people to take you seriously. Ma..
Barney smiles. Barney? BARNEY Yes... feeling like progress is being made. exactly.
We just changed all the carpets.. SECOND MRS. I will. P (CONT'D) If you don't throw this out. do you think the score somehow changed overnight? BARNEY (standing) I have to get going. Barney continues reading .... No.YELLOW 8-7-09
57.tuning her out completely... SECOND MRS. Why? Because when Barney and I would go out his father would sneak over and have sex with her. Listen. I still have to vacuum the Broadloom downstairs. Goodbye. She hangs up. 75
SECOND MRS. Looks at Clara's drawing again... P (CONT'D) Barney! BARNEY Absolutely.. She carries it into the kitchen-75 INT. To the king of Macedonia. P BARNEY. SECOND MRS.. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!
. ma. P (re: Clara's Drawing) Get rid of this filth. P And make sure your buddy doesn't throw up all over the place.. I wasn't talking to you..
She's flipping through a stack of framed wall hangings leaning against a wall. I had to fire the maid.CONTINUOUS Where Barney is reading the sport section with breakfast... I have to go.you were at the game last night. deciding on something to hang.. P Tell me something . who do you think?. SECOND MRS. SECOND MRS. It makes her gag. KITCHEN . Ma. Okay. I'll pick you up at noon.. I know it's disgusting. She pulls out the familiar sketch CLARA made of Barney drawn to look like Satan. you asked!. BARNEY I'll bring it up to the country house.
His appearance is shocking to Barney. FLEABAG HOTEL . I had to fix one more time. In bad shape. couple days. See you in a
58. Boogie gets in the car. I was on a fifteen hour flight. BOOGIE C'mon. BARNEY Just get in. Communicating. Boogie emerges from the building.DAY Barney waits in his car outside a fleabag hotel. BOOGIE Guess I don't qualify for the "you look great" greeting. BARNEY (annoyed) You don't want Boogie puking all over the cottage and your mother's fat. stumbles toward Barney's car. 76 EXT.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY What's important? SECOND MRS. high. He looks like the full-fledged junkie he has become. (beat) I'm really going to kick this time. P THIS. P Do I talk down to you like that? BARNEY I really have to go. This is what marriage is. Does that pretty much cover it? SECOND MRS.*
A quick peck on the forehead and he's gone. A week locked up in the country and I'll be good as new.
. Talking. 76 * *
* * * * * * * * * * *
BARNEY (CONT'D) I thought you came here to kick.
79 INT. P I thought I'd surprise you. and he needed somewhere safe to kick.COUNTRY HOUSE .
.DUSK Barney drops Boogie onto the bed. Barney helps Boogie up the steps. 77 * 78
Barney pulls up to the cottage with Boogie passed out in the front seat. BARNEY Do you want one? SECOND MRS. A roast. GUEST BEDROOM . it's called rehab. THE SECOND MRS. P Yeah.GREEN 8-7-09 77 78 OMITTED EXT. COTTAGE .COTTAGE . 80 79
59. drinking wine. 80 He's out cold. SECOND MRS.NIGHT Dinner is already laid out. looking very attractive in a tight fitting summer dress. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN . P is on the porch. SECOND MRS. BARNEY Surprise. P Why didn't you tell me this was why you were coming up here? BARNEY He asked me not to tell anyone. Barney goes to the bar and fixes himself a drink. potatoes. P Just bring the bottle to the table so you don't have to jump up every two minutes. greens.
This is ridiculous. You want to pick through every receipt I have? I'm not going to stay here and take this. are we ever in for a good time this weekend. BARNEY What about it? SECOND MRS. Barney storms out to the DECK. Look what I found while going through your pockets. Barney stares out at the lake. BARNEY Jesus Christ. She produces a BILL from 'GRAND FLORISTS'.
BARNEY I've never been unfaithful to you. SECOND MRS. BARNEY You're going to be very embarrassed when those show up. SECOND MRS. P Well played.CONTINUOUS She follows him out.
He won't look her in the eye. P Stop. 81 EXT.
. the ray of sunshine that is you left the manager eager to tell me you have a standing order of roses to someone in New York every week. no hesitation. I called the florist.COUNTRY HOUSE . DECK . P You don't know the half of it. Barney. While usually discreet about their clients.
60.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Wow. SECOND MRS. P Be a man. SECOND MRS. P So who are the flowers for? BARNEY An actress we're trying to get for a new pilot.
GRUMPY'S .COTTAGE . P No. is a true country paradise. I don't understand what you want anymore. P shuffles into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge: "Had to go into town for the day.Barney". P What's her name? BARNEY Can we talk about this in the morning? SECOND MRS. And you are such a liar.DAY 83A
Barney parks in front of Grumpy's and heads inside.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS.
. but she's not going to cry in front of him. The Second Mrs.MORNING
Wiping the sleep from her eyes. She goes back inside. SECOND MRS. P (CONT'D) I'm so ashamed. 82 EXT. Fuck you. You say you've never been unfaithful. It hurts her like hell. (beat) What happened? Why did you even marry me? He can't bring himself to answer her. COTTAGE . I keep going back to that just to have something to hold onto. 83A EXT. Before we got married you couldn't keep your hands off me. P Shmuck.
82 Barney's cottage 82A 83
The sound of cicada. SECOND MRS.DAWN
61. KITCHEN . Call you later . The calm of the lake. Now it's been months since we made love. It was the happiest moment of my life. so what is it then? (softer) On our wedding night I came up behind you and you were saying how hopelessly in love you were. 82A 83 OMITTED INT.
IZZY Who? BARNEY You don't know her. What do you want from me? BARNEY Some paternal wisdom. GRUMPY'S BAR .YELLOW 8-7-09 84 INT. IZZY Where'd you meet her? BARNEY You don't want to know. Barney drops down across from him. (MORE)
. (beat) Did you cheat? BARNEY No. IZZY Boychick. IZZY You ask me here to talk and now you don't want to talk. 84
Two Scotches on the table. I know how hard marriage can be. listen. Izzy reads the paper as he waits for Barney in a booth. IZZY Jesus Christ. BARNEY I have to get a divorce.DAY
62. Beat. IZZY Did she? BARNEY No. IZZY So what happened? BARNEY I'm in love with someone else.
BARNEY What are you talking about? IZZY Maybe you just need to take a step back before you do anything rash. hard look at the situation. makes a nice. IZZY Is that so? BARNEY Yeah. If you divorce her.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) In the beginning it's all briskets and blowjobs and la-di-da. IZZY She's a tough cookie. You come home from work and all they want to do is talk and all you want to do is screw and soon enough every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater .
. Beat. BARNEY Can we drop this? Just forget I ever said anything.it all just feels like you're holding shit in your hands. ain't life grand. She's going to inherit a shitload of money. she's gonna take you to the cleaners. BARNEY You know how rich her father is. IZZY And you think that'll stop her from taking all of yours? BARNEY I don't care. flaky kugel and has a great rack. Let's take a good. Izzy registers the depth of Barney's true feelings. You're married to a wellbred woman who's loaded. and then real life starts. Many successful marriages were built on far less.
my father was right about you-Barney holds the phone away from his ear as she drones on.
64. I'm too drunk to drive tonight. The RADIO NEWS tells us it's 8:25 AM. P (O.S. 87 INT.) So you do have a whore! You sonofabitch.S. BARNEY'S HOUSE . Barney drives up to the cottage.MORNING Barney enters the house.DRIVING . He opens the door to find. chugging coffee. Cigar. BARNEY'S CAR . SECOND MRS.) You're leaving me with the junkie?! Are you with your whore? BARNEY No. IZZY Alright then..COUNTRY ROAD . IZZY And is this the one? Is she the mother of your children? BARNEY Absolutely..
BARNEY (into phone) I'll be back tomorrow.MORNING Still hungover. Scotch. 85 INT. SECOND MRS. Hears noises coming from the guest bedroom. He considers responding. let's do this. COTTAGE . 86 INT/EXT. 87 86
. BARNEY Miriam.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY So tell me her name. P (O. but then just hangs up.NIGHT Barney lays on the sofa watching TV. Walks down the hall.
SECOND MRS.COTTAGE . SECOND MRS. then.COTTAGE . HALL . spilling an open bottle of Whisky in the process. Kicking and screaming.MOMENTS LATER In only her nightie. I only laid down beside him to try to keep him warm.COTTAGE . 88
The Second Mrs. she scrambles to cover herself with the bedding.. he smiles. P This is all your fault. BEDROOM . 89 INT. he was trembling. HALL . I still don't know how he got my nightie off. she throws on whatever clothes she can find.
. GUEST BEDROOM . Once it does.CONTINUOUS It takes a moment for the situation to sink in. SECOND MRS. moaning. 90 INT. Barney is frozen with shock.. naked.BLUE 6-25-09 88 INT. P GET OUT! Barney backs out of the room.CONTINUOUS 91 90 89 (CONT'D)
In tears.. P storms out of the guest room past Barney. P I brought him something to eat. his sheets were soaked. and riding Boogie in the midst of hot. BARNEY It must have been magic. sonofabitch-BARNEY My fault?! Barney follows her into -91 INT. BARNEY My wife and my best friend. P. The Second Mrs.. Things are looking up for him.CONTINUOUS
65. you bastard..COTTAGE . P AAAAAAA!!! The Second Mrs. P rolls off Boogie and falls onto the floor with a cringe worthy THUD. hard sex until she sees Barney: SECOND MRS..
then I'll come for you.
66. 93 EXT. DEN . your mother after that! Go to hell! SECOND MRS. starts the engine.CONTINUOUS She goes toward her car.COTTAGE .MORNING Barney walks in to find Boogie chugging right from a bottle of Scotch. BARNEY I was coming back to try to work things out. 92 INT. rolls down the window.
SECOND MRS. He's already very drunk. P I'm going to my mother's. SECOND MRS. don't she has a root canal today. P We shouldn't talk about this now while I'm so upset. 94
. BARNEY I should kill you for this. 94 INT. BARNEY You're so upset?! She hustles out and down the hall. BARNEY Tell her we're getting divorced! She exits.YELLOW 8-7-09 SECOND MRS. kicking up a cloud of dust in her wake.CONTINUOUS SECOND MRS. P Animal!
She drives away. HALL . and just for kicks. Barney right behind her. COTTAGE . P You tell her yourself! No. P Bullshit. He follows. She gets in her car.COTTAGE . I bet the two of you perverts arranged this together BARNEY Ha! I'm going to kill him for this.
Boogie shakes the empty Scotch bottle at Barney.S..
. que sera sera. Boogie comes back up with an open WOOD BOX containing the GUN from Izzy.she brought me something to eat. Barney grabs the gun away from Boogie. BARNEY So you fucked her? BOOGIE It was the only thing that would shut her up. but look here.. It was innocent enough to start with . started talking you know how that goes . Boogie pours Barney a glass.you planned this all along. I'm going to need you to do something for me. BARNEY Who could plan this? BOOGIE (O. BARNEY How could you do that to me? BOOGIE She did it to me..GREEN 8-7-09 BOOGIE What you should have done was call first. who reticently takes it. BOOGIE (CONT'D) What do you say? Duel at high noon? But I don't think we have enough booze to get us there. BOOGIE You sly bastard . BARNEY Check the dining room. Testify that I came home to you in bed with my wife.) I don't see any Scotch. He takes it out. waves it around.tells me how you've been shirking your husbandly duties..
Listen. actually. DEN . shmuck. More Scotch poured.she wasn't too bad a poet. who gets the residuals from her books? BARNEY I signed the rights over to charity right after she died. BARNEY Neither was I. Boogie peruses Barney's book collection. Hey.COTTAGE . I bet this is worth a pretty penny now. 95 INT. sketch that's leaning against the wall. He picks up Clara's
BOOGIE Did you hear they named a new auditorium at Barnard after her? Crazy Clara Chambers .
. BARNEY You know what? It's time you came through for me for once. will you testify or not? BOOGIE I'll think about it.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY That's loaded. BOOGIE Really? BARNEY How many times have I bailed you out over the years? BOOGIE I wasn't counting. Scotch in the kitchen.
Ice is dropped into two tumblers. I borrowed for you. You owe me. BOOGIE You sure about that? BARNEY When I had nothing.LATER There's more
68. They've gone through half the bottle and are visibly drunk.
But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over. You know what. Boogie pushes through the screen door. man? I brought you in. I put the right books in your hands. Next time I'm in New York I'll call on your tart and make it a trifecta.
Boogie grabs the bottle of Scotch and heads to the sunroom. have I let poor Barney down? BARNEY Yeah. Barney follows him out. and look what you've become. MASK AND FLIPPERS. BARNEY You're a fraud. married to a rich man's vulgar daughter. BARNEY Not so vulgar that you wouldn't bang her. BOOGIE Too fucking bad. 96
.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE Well isn't this getting interesting. A TV hustler.COTTAGE . BOOGIE And she wasn't the only wife of yours I had. BARNEY How's your novel coming along? BOOGIE Are you asking as a friend or an investor? BARNEY Both.
69. SUNROOM . You must have a snorkel and flippers here. I educated you. you have. the gun still in his sweater pocket. BOOGIE Oh.CONTINUOUS Boogie rifles through a trunk and finally comes up with a SNORKEL. BOOGIE I'm still working on it. 96 EXT.
They start to wrestle but are too drunk to really take it anywhere serious. 97
Barney CHARGES Boogie. I will!
. BARNEY (CONT'D) What happened to you? BOOGIE Nothing.
70. COTTAGE . BARNEY Not my friend? Boogie doesn't even think to answer. BARNEY Boogie. stop! You're too drunk and you can barely swim anyway. BOOGIE I'm going for a swim. that's his fucking job". "The Life of Heinrich Heine".CONTINUOUS Boogie staggers toward the dock. who upon his death bed was begged by his loved ones to ask for God's forgiveness before he passed. Not your vicarious life. But good old Heinrich had only this to say: "God will surely forgive me after all. BARNEY FUCK YOU. I'll shoot. I am not your pet project. Boogie slips on the flippers. They break apart. Absolutely nothing happened to me. you prick. and that's what you take as a personal offense. drunk and barely able to walk a straight line. winded and woozy. bottle again. waddles onto the dock. Not your hope. BARNEY Don't count on it. He just swigs from the
BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you realize you haven't come close to giving me an apology? BOOGIE Let me recommend another book to stock your shelf with.PINK 7-27-09 97 EXT.
. BOOGIE There you go! (MORE)
70A.PINK 7-13-09 Barney fires a WARNING SHOT straight up into the air.
flying over a distant hillside. A silent rage boiling inside. Barney's passed out on the sofa. It appears the gun fired into the air. dampened cavity you think is a heart.BLUE 6-25-09 BOOGIE (CONT'D) But this time shoot it at me you fucking coward! See for yourself what's really inside this mossy. starting from a distance and approaching fast. snaps on the goggles and the snorkel. Barney turns and heads back up into the house.one shot after another. Boogie grins. see Boogie resurface.DAY 99 We DO NOT 98
DEN . 99 INT.COTTAGE . BARNEY (calling out) BOOGIE? The PLANE 101
EVEN LATER Barney on the floor. We can't be sure. Barney hits the bottle hard . LATER The bottle now empty.the gun FIRES -.DUSK He stumbles out to the porch. pointing the gun at Boogie -AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN HAZY FLASH: Barney TRIPS -. 101 EXT. 100 DEN .. Barney drunkenly staggers forward. do it!
71. 100 INT.COTTAGE .COTTAGE . woken by the the RUMBLING of a TWIN ENGINE AIRPLANE. DEN . DECK .Boogie lets himself FALL backward into the lake. spreads his arms wide.MOMENTS LATER Barney stumbles in. BARNEY Don't you fucking move.
Barney stares him down. still half drunk. tilts his head back.COTTAGE . but he could have easily fired in Boogie's direction.. C'mon. 98 INT.
slimmer. A POLICE BOAT out there too.YELLOW 8-7-09 102 OMITTED
72. healthier than we know him to be. O'HEARNE No break-ins have been reported. DETECTIVE SEAN O'HEARNE. O'Hearne saunters through the house. O'HEARNE But he leaves his clothes and wallet here? BARNEY He took someone else's clothes. younger. KITCHEN . O'HEARNE (O. DOCK . BARNEY They're wasting their time out there. He's broken into a cottage. emptied it of all the booze and pills he could find and moved on.MORNING Barney opens the refrigerator and passes O'Hearne a cold beer.S. I told them I looked all over the lake in my boat.) Busy day. sipping the beer. Barney watches all this from the dock. 102 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. O'HEARNE (CONT'D) Twenty cottages burned so far.COTTAGE . steps up along side Barney.MORNING UNIFORMED POLICEMEN and SEARCH DOGS scour the property around Barney's house.
. There's a big fire a few miles east. DIVERS break the surface of the lake's water. Got something to drink?
He stops at the FRAMED SKETCH BY CLARA leaning against the wall.COTTAGE .
in a plastic evidence bag. you did. O'HEARNE Did you catch her fucking someone too? BARNEY She killed herself. O'HEARNE By shooting off rounds?
. No shit.
O'HEARNE Yeah. to me for protection. So why didn't you mention this gun? O'Hearne pulls out Barney's GUN. O'HEARNE Beat you to it. missing? O'HEARNE So why are there two rounds
BARNEY Boogie and I were horsing around. O'HEARNE (taking out notepad) Oh yeah? What's her name? BARNEY She's dead. BARNEY My first wife made that. I guess. BARNEY My dad is a retired cop. I
73. He gave it
O'HEARNE (dawning) Are you fuckin' Izzy Panofsky's kid? BARNEY Yes. BARNEY What the fuck does that mean? called you guys.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE That's kind of sick.
Jesus Christ-O'HEARNE (take notes) Now we're getting somewhere. right through his fucking heart. BARNEY Are you a complete idiot? Why are you wasting your time here? Go find him! Have you thought that he might be hurt somewhere? O'HEARNE And what about this piece of ass you're keeping in New York . O'HEARNE So you did shoot him.. BARNEY Yeah. Barney grabs O'Hearne -BARNEY You keep her out of this-O'Hearne drives a knee into his groin.
74.. BARNEY Yes. O'HEARNE After. O'HEARNE This was after you caught him fucking your wife? BARNEY It wasn't like that. sending him to the floor.
.the florist gave us her name .YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY We were drunk. then lays one into Barney's face. O'HEARNE You shot off the rounds before you walked in on them screwing? BARNEY No.Miriam Grant.
So tell me where the body is and I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful.YELLOW 8-7-09 O'HEARNE Two bullets shot from your gun just after you caught your best friend banging your wife. IZZY grabs O'Hearne from behind and throws him off Barney. IZZY You leave your hands off him. then again. O'HEARNE Like you're one to talk. O'Hearne exits.. when. but he attacked an officer of the law. you don't have a body. and now he's missing. BARNEY Go to hell. You threatened to kill them both. IZZY Really? It seems those razor-sharp detective skills of yours missed one tiny detail. O'HEARNE What are you doin' here. O'Hearne kicks him in the gut once. Izzy kneels to look at Barney's face. Panofsky? IZZY I got a call from my son. IZZY From where I'm standing this looks like police brutality.
75. O'HEARNE Very sweet.
.. Barney lifts himself to one knee. Now you got anything else to say. O'HEARNE He's goin' down for murder. No one cares about a useless junkie anyway. we'll find the body before sundown. you'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer and be out in no time. Unless you ate him. talk to his lawyer.
and signs the marked pages.
CUT TO: 105 106 OMITTED INT. TV SOUNDSTAGE .DAY TV SCREEN IN THE GREEN ROOM O'Hearne is on TV responding to a crowd of reporters out in the Townships. CUT TO: 106A OMITTED 106A 105 106
. O'HEARNE --For the moment no charges are being laid. We've searched the area for three weeks. RECEPTIONIST Barney. No body has been found yet. dials. IZZY Alright. did you do it? BARNEY Dad! Of course not. BARNEY Miriam Grant please. alright.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) So. so this will remain a missing persons case even with the overwhelming circumstantial evidence implicating Mr. the papers you were waiting for just arrived-Barney bolts upright. Barney is half-asleep as the crew sets up for the next shot. carrying a YELLOW ENVELOPE onto the soundstage. Let me get you
76. grabs the envelope. Our hands are tied. Panofsky. He rushes to the nearest phone. tears it open and pulls out his divorce papers. PULL OUT from the TV and follow the RECEPTIONIST. some ice.
BARNEY Please. CUT TO:
INT. well.NEW YORK . Miriam. BARNEY (CONT'D) It's only lunch.YELLOW 8-7-09
77.RADIO STATION . OFFICE . The phone rings. Just once.
. BARNEY Lunch? MIRIAM No. MIRIAM Barney-BARNEY I'm going to be in New York tomorrow.DAY Miriam sitting at her desk. If you decide you don't ever want to see me again. Miriam chuckles. How about dinner? MIRIAM No. MIRIAM Hello? INTERCUT BARNEY Miriam. Beat. I'm divorced. that's it. MIRIAM Is the ink even dry yet? BARNEY Let me check.
HOTEL RESTAURANT . clammy. Waiting. BARNEY (into phone) I'd like a bottle of Dom Perignon. Barney's seated at a table... Herzog.. Long beat. He rattles the ice in his empty tumbler at a passing waiter.. 109 EXT.DAY The swanky hotel restaurant is filled with the lunch crowd. drunk. CU . pats himself dry." Barney drops his pen. He starts pacing. scribbling on hotel stationary: "Conversations Topics: All The President's Men. 112 INT... great.NEW YORK CITY .MORNING Two pair of shoes.and again.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Honestly? BARNEY I swear. Takes a deep breath.MORNING
Barney pulls up to the hotel in a cab and enters. and a dozen long stem roses brought to my room at exactly two o'clock. Alphonse Daudet.MORNING Flying over Manhattan. make that two bottles and two dozen roses. well chilled. He's dressed to the nine's but sweaty.. Looks 112 111
. at himself in the mirror. NEW YORK CITY . 109 108
HOTEL . Barney is sitting at the desk in his hotel suite.. Grabs TWO Mini Scotches. 110 INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT . A sunny morning in the big apple.. 110
He does the same again . three suits.
78. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . The clock reads: 10:03 AM. This is idiotic. four ties laid on the bed. 111 INT.and again .DAY Barney splashes his face with water... BATHROOM .NEW YORK . Then dials the concierge..
HARD CUT TO: 108 EXT.He UNLOCKS the MINI BAR. Pours them over ice. Waiting.
HOTEL RESTAURANT . don't you think? (grabbing waiter) A bottle of Dom Perignon. startling her. 114 INT. MIRIAM Hi. And some Beluga.. MIRIAM Yes. pressing himself against the wall and spying on-MIRIAM
. take your time. he walks a short corridor back into the restaurant. BARNEY Of course. HOTEL RESTAURANT . well-BARNEY Have you eaten? Is it hot in here? MIRIAM No. (to Miriam) Did you want to order now? MIRIAM I haven't looked at the menu yet.DAY 114
AT THEIR TABLE Barney drops into his seat across from Miriam. Sweaty. 113
Being led to their table. the Russian is too salty..DAY From the bathroom. BARNEY Great. we should have champagne. pale. Champagne? This is an occasion. (to waiter) Just the Champagne. Just as he turns the corner he CUTS BACK and hides. She's a heart stopping vision.TABLE . and no. Barney doesn't look so good. BARNEY I'm so happy you made it. Even more gorgeous than the first time he laid eyes on her. nervous as hell.BLUE 6-25-09 113 INT. BARNEY HI. The Iranian stuff.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (to Miriam) It is hot in here... I want to be clear on something. Oh. MIRIAM Celebrate what? The room begins to tilt and sway. MIRIAM You hardly know me.. now we can celebrate. pulls the bathroom door shut. me. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . Miriam 115
. BARNEY Wonderful. MIRIAM Barney. you. hold on...
Perspiration forming on his brow.. I know . are you alright? BARNEY Excuse me. 115 INT.DAY Barney is throwing up into the toilet of his suite. He BOLTS toward the MEN'S ROOM. give me a second-MIRIAM Barney. what's it called.. I hope you didn't get divorced on my account.
MIRIAM Are you okay? BARNEY I'm great.... desperately trying to hold it together. Barney's panicking.. Barney opens his collar.have you read. There's so much I want to talk about.. BARNEY (slurring words) Now that I'm no longer a married man we can. uh.
80. The waiter arrives with the Champagne. BARNEY Of course I did. we're finally here together.
reading the New York Times.
81. She reaches for his page of HANDWRITTEN CRIB NOTES titled "conversation topics". She moves to sit at the edge of the bed. MIRIAM Are you done? BARNEY Please don't leave. BARNEY'S HOTEL SUITE . her legs crossed. VOICE (O. MIRIAM So the champagne and roses are for another woman? Barney lifts his throbbing head to see for himself. BARNEY Never.
CUT TO: 116 INT. Barney stirs awake.nice reference. MIRIAM Don't be so modest.BLUE 6-25-09 Then. Beat. there's a KNOCKING at the front door.DAY 116
. You obviously expected me to come up to your room. Sure enough there's two bottles of champagne and two dozen roses. Herzog or Alphonse Daudet .S. by the way. MIRIAM What would you like to talk about All The President's Men. MIRIAM How are you feeling? BARNEY You're never going to speak to me again I'm going to kill myself.) Room service. LATER Miriam is sitting in an easy chair. BARNEY I'm an idiot.
where you'll say "it's getting late" or. "I should probably get going" and I'm not ready for that to happen. She pries his hands from his face. MIRIAM There it was. BARNEY Yeah.. more intimate. I'm absolutely starving. Barney rambles on. BARNEY --"The Big Apple" is actually an old racetrack term.getting a bite of that "Big Apple" and I'm just going to keep talking because I'm afraid if I stop there's going to be pause..
He covers his face and begins to MOAN.
82. Their body language now 118 117
. STREET .a sports writer for the herald in the 30's. And then he finally just runs out of steam. He'd heard old stable hands from Mississippi use it when referring to the New York racetracks. and maybe a slice of pizza. The pause. They stop walking and face each other for what seems like an eternity to him. He hardly even breathes between words. Miriam finds it all utterly amusing.NIGHT They walk along the East River. we'll get some fresh air. Getting to race in New York was considered hitting the big time .CENTRAL PARK . Off Barney's delight -117 EXT. or a break. credited to John Fitzgerald . MIRIAM I'm still here.BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Oh God. Beat. desperately trying to keep Miriam engaged. EAST RIVER .DUSK They stroll along the park. I don't want it to happen. Ever. MIRIAM Why don't you get cleaned up. 118 EXT.
He knows he needs to come up with something good. (beat) It killed my mother. It devastated every part of her.minutes and hours and errands and naps and routine. that's what scares me about you. and life is real. MIRIAM No. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll cut it off. and that has to be enough. BARNEY That's a bit unfair. Then he rifles through his pocket and pulls out a CIGAR CLIPPER. Mind and body. it's not. He SNAPS it shut for effect. After all you've done to pursue me.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM --I adored my father. Right away. Heart and soul. MIRIAM See. MIRIAM Now you're offering to be my eunuch? BARNEY Like I said. That's what gave her cancer. Until I found out he was sleeping with every factory girl he could get on the side.
Barney thinks hard. Don't answer 'anything'. I'll do anything for you.
83. It's made up of little things . He was my hero. MIRIAM I want one thing from you. Miriam. how can I ever trust you? BARNEY That's a reasonable question. And that will never happen to me. BARNEY I would never do that to you.
. BARNEY Anything. That's not real.
drinking. COTTAGE .
. Barney can't wait another second. Together they fall into an embrace neither will ever forget. staring at the lake when Miriam joins him. DISSOLVE TO: 119 EXT. on the porch.DAY (1979) 119
Barney and Miriam have an outdoor wedding ceremony at his cottage.COTTAGE . grabs Miriam and gives her a hard kiss on the lips. Everyone CHEERS! 120 EXT.NIGHT The party is winding down. NOTARY --And do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? MIRIAM I do. including Solange and Jeff (from the wedding) and his boyfriend. DOCK . Only closest friends and family are in attendance. IZZY MAZEL TOV!!! Izzy.
She kisses him. She wraps her arms around him from behind. BARNEY He promised he'd never miss any of my weddings. slow dancing. Guests are still up at the house. you're not going to do that. It's a beautiful night. We're going to be needing it. Miriam kisses him tenderly then takes him by the hand and leads him back up to the house. CUT TO: 120 He kisses her. Barney is out on the dock alone. NOTARY And do you-BARNEY I sure as hell do. tears already streaming down his face.
84.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Well.
. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .DAY (1982)
84A.YELLOW 8-7-09 121 EXT. 121
Barney and Miriam's apartment. (Where Barney still lives).
BABY'S ROOM .KITCHEN . BARNEY How did I not know that? MIRIAM I think he's ready for his nap. each other with mischievous grins -124 INT. 122
Barney is chopping an ONION as he prepares lunch. His eyes filled with tears. BARNEY Really? 123 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . Miriam is already naked and waiting with her best "come hither" look. Miriam walks in carrying MICHAEL. BEDROOM . MIRIAM Oh. BARNEY What? MIRIAM Put the onion in the freezer for a few minutes before you chop it. He runs and leaps onto the bed. Barney. Then it won't make you cry. TIME DISSOLVE TO: 125 OMITTED 125
. put it in the freezer. who is only a few months old.DAY Then look at 124 123
Barney appears in the doorway in his boxers.DAY
85. They laugh hysterically as they roll around and start to make love.DAY They watch Michael fast asleep in his crib.YELLOW 8-7-09 122 INT.
typical Izzy-ism. leaving it at that. drinking Scotch. kid. Barney and Izzy sit on the deck. and his gorgeous wife.
. COTTAGE . What? IZZY You did good. his children. their feet up.
A SERIES OF STILL IMAGES MOVE US FORWARD IN TIME: 126 OMITTED 126
EXT. Izzy puffs away on his cigar. COTTAGE . takes a deep breath. He opens his eyes. Michael (12) and Kate (9) play frisbee by the lake with Miriam.
Barney looks out at the stunning landscape. The sky a perfect orange hue.LAKE .DUSK (1994) A perfect day.DAY (1995) 128 Izzy's watching him.YELLOW 8-7-09
86. BARNEY Barney expects a
Barney and Michael (13) are fishing in a small outboard motor boat in the middle of the lake. He closes his eyes. The sun is setting. DISSOLVE TO: 128 EXT. smoking cigars. Michael is bored silly as any young boy would be. holding onto this moment of perfection.
BARNEY Tell your mother we threw them all back. He takes a breather. Beat.BLAIR (52). Tree hugger. COTTAGE . BARNEY Burgers? MICHAEL YES. Michael stares blankly at him. Birkenstocks.
Again .just needs a little-He TEARS the rope right out of the motor.it .harder. 129 EXT. Harmless.BLUE 7-3-09 BARNEY Anything? MICHAEL No.S.
Barney lays down their rods and pulls on the RIPCORD.) Need any help? PADDLING toward them in a canoe . BLAIR (O.thanks .
.MOMENTS LATER 129
Miriam stands on the dock as Blair guides the canoe toward her with Barney and Michael in tow.
BARNEY (yanking on rope) No . BARNEY A nibble? MICHAEL No.
87. dad. and again.DOCK . working up a big sweat. The engine won't turn. He tries again. Don't worry. BLAIR Just toss me your anchor rope and I'll tow you in. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'll get it. angrier. Soft.
MIRIAM You're kidding? He gave me my first job.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM My brave hunters return. Want to join us? BLAIR I'm a vegan. * 130
BLAIR Sure I know it.
Blair easily hops from his canoe to the dock. 130 INT. BLAIR I'm renting a cottage here for the summer. BARNEY What do you do. COTTAGE .
.KITCHEN . MIRIAM I used to work in radio in New York. I just moved from New York. A what? BARNEY Is that treatable?
MIRIAM I could make a salad. BLAIR Isn't that coincidence. The universe works in strange and mysterious ways. Blair? BLAIR I work in radio. Ronald Lewis is an old friend of mine. BARNEY I was going to throw some burgers on the bar-b-que.MOMENTS LATER Miriam hands Blair a glass of Iced Tea. tying his and Barney's boat up.
88. but thank you. BLAIR Where? MIRIAM It's a little jazz station. Really? At WZAJ.
upon hearing the sound of the outboard motor.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY.NIGHT .KITCHEN . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . 131 EXT. BLAIR (yelling) It was just a loose distributor wire.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR I don't want to impose.O. Alphonse from Montreal: Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me To The End Of Love". I'm Miriam Grant. BARNEY Fire it up. and I should paddle back before it gets dark. thank you for listening. they all step outside. MIRIAM (V. CUT TO: 132 INT. want to do the bar-b-que? MICHAEL (O.) --and we're going to end our program with a request from our regular listener.
Where they see BLAIR standing on the dock. MIRIAM That was nice of him. COTTAGE . Barney grunts and waves half heartedly.DECK . Miriam's RADIO SHOW plays on the radio. They all say goodbye and Blair exits. As always. then hops in his canoe. CU . It was lovely to meet the both of you.) Yeah. Blair waves.CONTINUOUS
89.BARNEY CRYING 132
. And I re-attached the rip cord. RRRRR . BARNEY (calling out) Michael.S.
Michael greets her at the door. briefcase. He sees a young couple kissing in the same spot where he and Miriam first kissed. 133 OMITTED The song continues over -133
INT. He hangs up. hi. get your head out of your ass!! Caroline enters . He answers.
TAXI ..business suit. halfway through a bottle of Scotch and smoking a cigar.. I'll just grab a cab to your place. The table littered with remnants of a meal from Schwartz's Smoked Meat. love you. CAROLINE I thought you were going out for dinner....NIGHT Barney and Michael watch a hockey game together. okay.. BARNEY (yelling at TV) Useless goddamn pansy ref.. CUT TO: 135 136 OMITTED INT. MICHAEL (apologetic)) Dad brought in smoked meat from Montreal.
As he chops an ONION while cooking dinner. CAROLINE (to Michael) Didn't we agree to no cigars in the house? 135 136
. A belligerent Barney coupled the disorderly mess of the apartment is the last thing she wanted to end her day with.NEW YORK CITY . I land at five.YELLOW 8-7-09
90. BARNEY Hello?. The phone RINGS.BROOKLYN . MICHAEL'S LOFT . Michael. pressing his sleeve to his eyes to halt the sting..DAY
Barney riding in a yellow cab with a bag from SCHWARTZ'S on the seat beside him. Barney is yelling at the TV.
Barney turns the TV off. Thank you.BLUE 7-3-09
91. BARNEY Am I still allowed to use the bathroom or would you prefer I leave my business in paper bags by the door? Recyclable ones. MICHAEL If you were capable of feeling sorry. BARNEY MICHAEL. you wouldn't do it in the first place. wait-MICHAEL Good-night. BARNEY Michael. Michael begins to follow. He grudgingly taps out the cigar. MICHAEL Good night.
. CAROLINE Turn that down please. MICHAEL For what? BARNEY For what? For that. of course.
Barney looks to Michael for backup. The
MICHAEL Maybe she wouldn't hate you if you didn't behave like a child. I'm sorry. I have to get up early. BARNEY (CONT'D) There. BARNEY What do you expect me to do? woman hates me. but is met with silence. She heads off to the bedroom.
BARNEY Michael. Michael stops.
BLUE 6-25-09 BARNEY Chicken and the egg. MICHAEL No, dad, it's not. You can't keep acting this way. Not with us, or Mom and Blair. BARNEY So you're speaking for your mother now? MICHAEL Just leave them alone already. not coming back to you. She's
BARNEY If that's what you're so angry about, then fine. Tell your mother from this moment on she is forgotten. Erased. Nothing but a wisp of gray on the otherwise full, dark mane of my life. MICHAEL I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment, if not the poetry. Good-night. Michael starts to walk out-BARNEY Michael-MICHAEL What? BARNEY (beat) Are you really going to marry this woman? MICHAEL (angry) Yes, dad. I am. BARNEY Well, if she's going to be part of this family then you have to set her straight. MICHAEL What?? BARNEY What have you told her about me?
BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL I see where this going. I tell her everything. That's what couples do. BARNEY Spare me the sermon. she looks at me. I see the way
MICHAEL What are you talking about? BARNEY I saw O'Hearne's book on her night table. She can't even be bothered to hide it from me. How could you let her read that? She even has all these pages dog-eared in it... (beat) When she asks about Boogie, what do you tell her? Michael doesn't answer. Barney readies himself for one of the hardest things he's ever had to ask. BARNEY (CONT'D) Do you think I could have possibly done that? Beat. MICHAEL Only you really know. Michael exits. That devastates Barney. He simply deflates. Its incessant FLASHBACK TO: 137 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT - PAST (2000) A KETTLE WHISTLING. Barney pours two cups of tea. not sure if it's still good. 138 INT. DEN - CONTINUOUS Barney carries the tea and honey on a tray. the sofa watching a NEWS MAGAZINE PROGRAM. Miriam is on Then smells a jar of HONEY, 138 137
From outside, a CAR ALARM has begun to whine. squeal turns into --
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (re: on TV) I know her. BARNEY (re: honey) Tell me if this is still good. MIRIAM She was my intern before we got married. She could barely string two words together.
Miriam drips the honey into her tea without smelling it. She passes it to Barney who is still not convinced it's edible. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Honey doesn't go bad. BARNEY Ever? MIRIAM Archeologists found honey in Egyptian tombs thousands of years old and it was still edible. Barney shrugs, uses the honey. Miriam curls herself into the corner of the sofa, feeling depressed. MIRIAM (CONT'D) Everyone seems to be doing pretty interesting things nowadays. BARNEY Giving birth and raising two amazing children is pretty interesting. MIRIAM But it doesn't command much respect, now does it? BARNEY Miriam-MIRIAM It doesn't matter. Miriam grabs a magazine from the coffee table, shutting down the conversation.
PINK 7-27-09 139 EXT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Autumn. Michael (now 18) and a few buddies have loaded the last of his things into a small U-Haul. It's off to college. MIRIAM (crying) My baby. MICHAEL Mom, I'm not going to war. back for thanksgiving. She kisses Michael one last time. MIRIAM Okay, I'm going inside. MICHAEL (to Barney) Any last words of wisdom? BARNEY You need money, ask me. selling dope. MICHAEL No selling dope. Got it. else? Barney takes him in his arms. BARNEY I love you. MICHAEL I love you too, dad. A quick goodbye to Kate (16). KATE Take care of yourself. Michael jumps into the truck, starts to pull out. BARNEY Pull over if you get tired! 140 INT. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Miriam is washing the breakfast dishes. She's in a volatile mood as Barney enters. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around her. quickly senses her mood and responds. He 140 Don't start I'll be
YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Why don't we have lunch at the Ritz today? I'll call Jean and get our regular table. Barney grabs the phone and dials.
CUT TO: 141 EXT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN - DAY Barney and Miriam having lunch out in the lush, beautiful garden of the Ritz. Miriam stares absently at her plate. Her mind elsewhere. She sets down her cutlery. Her food only half eaten. BARNEY He had to move out eventually. MIRIAM I know. That's not it. (beat) I want to go back to work. I've been thinking about this for a while. Blair said he can get me freelance work. It's just research and writing for now but it could lead to other things. Maybe even on air. BARNEY And I'm sure Blair will do everything he can for you. MIRIAM Stop that. BARNEY (beat) Are you unhappy? MIRIAM No. Not in the way you're trying to get at. BARNEY Then in which way? 141
YELLOW 8-7-09 JEAN THE MAITRE'D comes over. soon Kate will be too. He fakes through the deep panic he's feeling inside.
MIRIAM I knew how you would take this. (beat) I need to do this. JEAN May I get you anything else? We're fine. go to Italy. I have to believe I can be something other than just a wife and mother. Whatever you want to do. I don't want you to. We both agreed that was important. Can you try and understand? BARNEY Of course.BOOTH . MIRIAM It was important. Where does that leave me? I need more stimulation in my life. BARNEY I'll quit working. as always. We'll retire early. So you could be here with the kids and me. 142 INT. A hundred percent. BARNEY It's just that I've worked this hard so you wouldn't ever have to. CBC RADIO STATION . Jean leaves. and you're as grown up as you'll ever be.
97. travel. I'm behind it.NIGHT Miriam interviews a distinguished looking man on the air. get a Villa on Lake Como. But Michael's gone. polishing off his wine. MIRIAM You can't just fix this like you do everything else. JEAN How is everything? MIRIAM Excellent. Jean. 142
Barney sulks. BARNEY Thank you.
you're a natural..on the bar. BARNEY What the hell kind of call is that??!! INSERT . 146 INT. HALLWAY .MOMENTS LATER Miriam walks down the Hall with BLAIR. Upset that Barney didn't answer.. that's all the time we have. CBC RADIO STATION . MIRIAM Stop it.Well.CBC RADIO STATION .
The ON AIR light turns OFF. 145 INT. He 146 The 145 144 143
. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . GUEST It is was a pleasure. ringing. Dalhousie.NIGHT Barney is sitting at the bar.HALLWAY .NIGHT Miriam hangs up. BLAIR Of course. MIRIAM I hope that wasn't too painful. Would you excuse me. 143 INT. Thank you.
98. I'm going to call Barney.BLUE 7-3-09 MIRIAM . BLAIR Are you kidding? It was fantastic. The staff on the other side of the glass APPLAUD. bar ERUPTS at a bad penalty call. GRUMPY'S BAR . 144 INT. Mr. watching the hockey game. Blair. doesn't hear it. BLAIR Really.NIGHT The phone RINGS through an empty house. Miriam. MIRIAM Thank you. Thank you so much for coming in.BARNEY'S CELL PHONE . Miriam lets out a big sigh of relief.
MIRIAM Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 147
INT. that right? BARNEY (beat) Yes. MIRIAM Did you hear my interview? BARNEY I'm sorry. I just lost track of-MIRIAM This was important to me. 148 He's drunk
99. I wanted to be sure we're clear on what happened here tonight. quiet apartment. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .CONTINUOUS Miriam is already asleep. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY I was at Grumpy's watching the game. MIRIAM Okay. and trying very hard to be quiet. BARNEY Should I sleep on the sofa? She turns the lamp back ON.LATER THAT NIGHT Barney tiptoes into the dark.YELLOW 8-7-09 147 INT. (MORE) You knew
.BEDROOM . BARNEY (beat) Yes. Miriam flips back over and turns the lamp OFF. like you've done a thousand times before. Barney is about to crawl into bed--
MIRIAM Where have you been? Miriam turns on the bedside lamp. MIRIAM But you missed my first on air interview because you were drunk and watching a hockey game.
BARNEY I was thinking. why don't you move in with us? Now that the kids are gone we have more than enough space. but no thanks.DAY Barney has accompanied IZZY to his Mother's grave. Wife to Izzy. IZZY I'm not alone. IZZY Thanks. Good night. But he's not very convincing. The good ones go
100. IZZY You should get one. fast.
.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) You're not sleeping on the sofa. Izzy points to a single grave beside theirs. CEMETERY .1972. See that? That's alone.1925 . BARNEY I don't like the thought of you being alone. Engraved beside hers is Izzy's name: ISRAEL PANOFSKY BARNEY You okay? IZZY Sure. Mother to Barney. we don't sleep apart. She turns the light OFF. 149 EXT. IZZY You got yourself a plot yet? BARNEY No.
Izzy places a rock on the double headstone: ESTHER PANOFSKY .
PINK 7-13-09 IZZY (CONT'D) Buried alone. (MORE)
100A. No wife.
. I'm going to be right here with your mother. That's alone. No kids.
exhausted. Barney stares at the ceiling.
A group of Miriam's friends including BLAIR. Long silence. You know it irritates Blair's asthma. Mr. IZZY I'm used to being without her. need to get laid. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .NIGHT
Barney crawls into bed with a moan. brings a cigar back to the table. 151 EXT.YELLOW 8-7-09 IZZY (CONT'D) When you get to my age you'll see what a comfort that is. are over for dinner. BLAIR --I think it's fair to say that in 50 years we'll look back on this time and our inhumane treatment of animals for the sake of mass consumption. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . much like how we perceive segregation or McCarthyism-Barney can't stand another second of this.DEN . BARNEY I know it must be hard without her.NIGHT I
101. Miriam's reading. Barney heads out to the den.
. Blair holds court while Barney broods over his Scotch. He gets up and
MIRIAM Barney.DINING ROOM . Without a moment's pause. bored and annoyed with Blair's politically correct discourse.BEDROOM . IZZY What? How long have you ever had to hold out. as a shameful and barbaric chapter in our history.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .. please don't smoke that. THREE wives! 150 INT.. BARNEY (walking away) Jesus Christ. 152 INT. Miriam sets down her book.CONTINUOUS The dinner 152 151
Barney lights his cigar with great pleasure. guests continue with their conversation.
He's at a loss. GOLDIE (CONT'D) He talked about you all the time.. She takes him by the arm and leads him down the hall. Reaches for the phone. She opens a door and lets Barney go in --
102.? Barney nods. At least he went happy.. Goldie looks up at CAMERA -GOLDIE Barney. She stops in front of room #4. how was the cemetery? BARNEY Good times. The Madame. Barney's eyes searching.NIGHT PUSH IN through a beaded curtain and into the waiting room of an old school "rub and tug" massage parlor. The phone RINGS.NIGHT A non-descript building with a red neon sign: MASSAGE. 153 Barney groans.BLUE 6-25-09 MIRIAM If you can't at least be civil with my friends then don't bother joining us. who is sobbing. MIRIAM You fell asleep at the table. When she went back in. MIRIAM (CONT'D) I forgot to ask. She takes his hand. MASSAGE PARLOR . BARNEY I thought I was perfectly civil.
EXT. GOLDIE (CONT'D) After they finished.RECEPTION . parks right in front. GOLDIE (45) is consoling a working girl. the girl left the room to get a hot towel. MASSAGE PARLOR . Barney
INT. You made him so proud.. then enters.
GOLDIE He didn't get a chance to settle up. Beat. 155
Barney enters.RECEPTION . takes in the room. leaving him alone.LATER 156
Barney exits the room. peaceful. The walls bare. MASSAGE PARLOR . covered in a white sheet. holding it with both his hands. Barney reaches into his pocket. Then he squeezes it tighter.CONTINUOUS
103. They share a quiet moment. and starts to cry. He lifts the edge of the sheet and takes his father's hand in his. hands her a couple hundred from his wallet. Izzy's body lays on the table. The lighting dim. Goldie shuts the door. pressing it to his forehead. MASSAGE ROOM . patting his father's hand. half-grin on his face. CUT TO: 156A THRU 158 OMITTED 156A THRU 158
. 156 INT. He starts to laugh at the situation. He sits beside Goldie in the reception. A
Barney sits on a small chair beside the body.YELLOW 8-7-09 155 INT. A shelf with a bottle of baby oil. a box of kleenex.
thanks. His pieces spell: "ATTNY" Confused. Before shutting the door he pulls out an ONION .SCRABBLE BOARD.YELLOW 8-7-09 159
104. BARNEY You sure you don't want anything? KATE (O.then puts it back.. KATE What word is that? INSERT . He sets down his pieces. KATE (CONT'D) It's your turn. Attorney..? BARNEY Sorry. Dad. Barney goes into the DEN and refills his Scotch before sitting down to continue his Scrabble game with Kate. 159
INT.NIGHT . Barney stares at the board.PRESENT Barney grabs an ice cube from the freezer for his Scotch.S.stares at it quizzically . KATE You're missing half the letters.DEN . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .) No..
. BARNEY What did you do? KATE Right there.
dad. It's an abstract multi-colored whirlpool that winds down to a black center. Barney watches her go. His eyes drift over and stop on LEO'S PAINTING prominently displayed on the wall. takes her arm to stop her and pull her down to sit. I'll get it. He
105. He pulls her into a comforting embrace. she wipes her eyes on her sleeve. for her to start crying in his arms. BARNEY Do you want to talk about it? KATE I'll be fine..YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY It's the abbreviation. I promise. Barney's mind follows it down to the black nothingness. No. KATE No. FLASHBACK TO:
. I know you're tired. She cries as long as she needs to. She gets up and starts to clean up. I'll do it.
That's all it takes
She gets up to go to the washroom. BARNEY Leave that.
Barney can tell that she needs to keep herself busy. They break apart.. BARNEY (CONT'D) Let me get you a tissue. KATE When you get that lazy with cheating. BARNEY It'll be okay. I'm just happy it only took eight months to realize he was a jerk. KATE Let me.
DAY Barney escorts Leo and his Bimbo out. For all his success. along with Leo's flavor of the month. Leo Fasoli. Leo lights a cigarette. But then you returned the money. CBC RADIO STATION . Barney and Blair watch from the booth. cara mia. He's now a famous painter with an air of success and gravitas about him. LEO (to Bimbo) Just a minute. MIRIAM In what way? Leo pauses. She slips into the limo. A LIMO waits right outside the door. 161 EXT. BIMBO It was very nice to meet you. BARNEY The pleasure was all mine. then extends her hand to Barney. LEO Andre Gide. She gives Leo a kiss. CBC RADIO STATION . What happened? LEO It proved to be more difficult than I originally thought it would be.DAY . MIRIAM --and we're back talking with renowned painter and artist. there's a sense of melancholy to him. LEO FASOLI (61).BOOTH . you recently signed a seven figure deal with Simon and Schuster to publish your autobiography. once said "nothing is as destructive to happiness as the remembrance of happiness lost".GREEN 8-7-09 160 INT.PAST (2003)
106. the French author. 161
* * * * * *
. saying you no longer wanted to do it. Leo. 160 *
Miriam is interviewing Barney's old friend. a stunning 28 year old BIMBO.
.GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (re: Bimbo) You like this one? Leo just shrugs. It's a real coup for Miriam.
106A. BARNEY (CONT'D) Thanks again for doing the interview.
MIRIAM Guests don't clean.BLUE 7-3-09 LEO It was my pleasure. They hug. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BLAIR Allow me a toast to you Barney. You really came through getting Leo to do the interview. while Barney broods in silence and polishes off another Scotch. And a toast to Blair and his new job in New York. Miriam begins to clear the table. They drink. LEO (CONT'D) You've made a wonderful life for yourself.
BARNEY Are you sure you can't stay the night? We'd love to have you over.DINING ROOM . LEO There's nothing I would enjoy more but I have to get back to New York. MIRIAM Yes you did. It makes me happy. BLAIR I don't have it yet.NIGHT 162
Blair has joined Barney and Miriam for dinner. Miriam and Blair enjoy lively conversation. Long silence. 162 INT.
BLAIR Let me help you. Miriam heads to the kitchen. woman.
BARNEY So when are you going to find out?
. Leo gets in the limo and is driven away. She's an amazing
107. BARNEY Here's hoping.
Push them. BLAIR Thanks for another incredible meal. who is just lighting up a cigar. MIRIAM Thanks.BLUE 7-3-09 BLAIR Probably not for another month.
INT. MIRIAM So what you are boys talking about? 163
108. but Miriam-BLAIR Miriam thinks I'm gay? BARNEY I told her you weren't. BARNEY I didn't think so. doesn't mean you can't be assertive.CONTINUOUS . congratulations. BARNEY A month? Jeez.. BARNEY Just because you're gay. Let them know they'll lose you if they sit on their asses. don't be so soft. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
. DEN . BLAIR I'm not one to be aggressive like that. BLAIR I'm not gay. MIRIAM Thank you for coming. The moment the door closes she puts on her game face and marches into the.MOMENTS LATER Miriam kisses Blair good-night.
INT.. Blair exits.DOORWAY . but-Miriam enters..to confront Barney. and again.. it was a fantastic interview.
Let's just skip that whole part. What? BARNEY Where is this coming from?
109. MIRIAM We're not fighting about Blair. okay? BARNEY I was giving him a few life lessons. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM Getting Leo to come in doesn't negate all the other interviews you've missed to get drunk and watch the game. BARNEY What? When? MIRIAM Next weekend. I'll take the week off. MIRIAM By telling him I think he's gay? And who even jokes about that anymore? BARNEY I don't want to fight about Cher. I think a little time apart will do us both good. or all the dinners you've ruined because you're incorrigible with my friends. MIRIAM I'm going to visit Michael for a week. MIRIAM No.
. BARNEY It doesn't? Miriam is NOT amused. We're fighting about you. BARNEY Okay.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM What's with you? And don't say "what?".
he's scared to death. CUT TO: 165 INT/EXT.PRESENT DAY BACK TO PRESENT DAY. She gives him a kiss and exits.IN MEMORIAM. BARNEY My car was stolen. It'll be good for us to circulate the air in here a little. The thought of his departed friend hits him hard. The RECEPTIONIST
INT. A RETROSPECTIVE. 166 The taxi 166
INT.MORNING Barney slips into the soundstage just as they start rolling. TV SOUNDSTAGE . RECEPTIONIST It's parked in the lot. It's only a week .MORNING . Actually. Barney. pulls away. Barney grabs the keys. greets him with a smile. Spring has arrived.TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS . RECEPTIONIST Good morning.
Barney nods but he's not happy about this. ON THE SET
. walks away. He's fidgety. I have the keys right here. Coffee in hand. TAXI CAB . OFFICE . Find out what I have to do to report it. Anxious.MORNING Barney enters the office in a foul mood.okay?
Barney rides in a taxi. The cab stops at a red light in front of the MONTREAL MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM We've hardly been away from each other since we've been married. Barney looks out the window to see workers unraveling a DRAPERY announcing the next exposition: "LEO FASOLI ." ON THE DRAPERY is a PHOTO OF LEO from back in his Rome days.
SEXPOT (21). cast as the new Nurse. young.
A scene is playing out between O'Malley and the new. ditzy.YELLOW 8-7-09
the merriment around him seems to only make him more lonely and bitter. He's frustrated. SOLANGE (CONT'D) And that everyone.BLUE 7-3-09 O'MALLEY I have a feeling you're going to work out just fine around here. the gym for that. SOLANGE You don't even know what I'm going to say. She's now directing the show. He ducks out. That's the point. Solange stands there grinning from ear to ear. tight outfit her character would have worn. eager to tell him something. BARNEY (CONT'D) I'm not interested.LATER Barney's rifling through drawers and shelves looking for something. SOLANGE Why did you leave the set? I thought you might want to give a speech. SOLANGE What if it were something really interesting? This is annoying the hell out of him.S. SOLANGE enters. completes the first episode of our 30th season!! The whole crew bursts into applause. SEXPOT Oh. BARNEY I'm not interested in what you're going to say. Barney continues his searching. SOLANGE (O.) And CUT! Check the gate! Solange gets up from the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR. 168
. I go to
Even though it's Barney's show. BARNEY'S OFFICE . I won't work out here. BARNEY Nope. angry. 168 INT. yet still dressed in the same type of revealing.
Solange fights back tears. MARK What the hell is wrong with you? BARNEY With me? My friend Leo just died! 169
. Is that clear or should I have someone translate? Solange drops an AIRPLANE TICKET in front of Barney. First Class.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Right now. BARNEY Are you out of your mind? Some idiots keep printing thirty year old pictures of you in bikinis so old Bolsheviks can have something to jerk off to and you're going to fly half way around the world because of it? What do you imagine it will be like . The coffee machine stops. a gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival? You're a hundred and eighty years old Solange. I'm in a state of complete disinterest to all things. Barney looks at the ticket. 169 INT. One of those automatic ones where you press a button and it makes you a latte. SOLANGE I'm going to Bulgaria.that you'll step off the plane right onto the tarmac.
112. BARNEY You haven't flown in thirty years. The machine REVS and GRINDS.CONTINUOUS Barney goes to the coffee machine. He makes his choice. SOLANGE I've been in systematic desensitization therapy to get over my fear of flying. The entire office watching them. forcing them to raise their voices.. Solange follows. OFFICE . Hermes scarf wrapped around your new 'do'.. Chanel glasses. Dead silence. get over it.
Barney hands her back the ticket and walks out of his office.
NEIGHBOR (O. DIES AT 66. 171 INT. Drops the paper on the table. 171 He stares up at Scans the front page. INSERT . A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . he's late.ABOVE THE FOLD: "LEO FASOLI.
FLASHBACK TO: 170 INT.YELLOW 8-7-09 Silence.FRONT PAGE HEADLINE . FAMED ITALIAN PAINTER. BARNEY Good morning. INSERT . Barney looks at his watch -. come on.) Justin. JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. (CONT'D)
Barney's reading the paper as he finishes his bagel and lox. Hops up to get ready.S.FRONT PAGE BLURB . Barney.shit. BACK TO:
. Barney turns back inside. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT .FLASHBACK 170
(This is a replay of the OPENING OF THE MOVIE) Barney picks up the morning newspaper. we're late. BARNEY Fuck." We now understand what Barney was reacting to originally. Something he reads upsets him.BELOW THE FOLD: The article about O'HEARNE'S BOOK we previously saw. Justin runs off. JUSTIN Hi Barney. Barney stares back. BARNEY Did you hear me?! SOLANGE (beat) Leo died a year ago.KITCHEN .
DR.. BARNEY'S OFFICE . DR. Just answer them. MANDEBAUM'S office. MANDEBAUM There's a point to all this. MANDEBAUM What season is it? BARNEY Summer. MANDEBAUM What city are we in? BARNEY Do you actually have a degree in medicine? (MORE) Barney's 173
. Solange approaches him carefully.DAY . there's no right or wrong. SOLANGE You were a pallbearer at his funeral. long time physician.? Off Barney's confusion -CUT TO: 173 INT. (beat) Barney. 172
Barney looks as though he's had the wind knocked out of him. MANDEBAUM I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE .BLUE 7-3-09 172 INT.DAY Barney and Solange are in DR.PRESENT DAY
114. DR. DR. DR. (beat) What month is it? BARNEY You're joking.. BARNEY April. BARNEY Can I smoke in here? SOLANGE What do you think? Now be quiet and let Morty do his job.
you know. MICHAEL (V.O. (holding out phone) Mom. hi. Barney paces while on the phone. it's German. Why should I care what it's called? (to Solange) And why are you crying? PRE-LAP: A phone dialing. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . MICHAEL'S LOFT .
* FLASHBACK TO:
OMITTED INT. INTERCUT
.DAY Miriam is cleaning up clutter around Michael's apartment.. Desperate
INT.DEN .PAST (2003) Scotch in hand.. MICHAEL Nice to talk to you too... dad. DR. please. that's fucking embarrassing. goddamn it..BROOKLYN .) Hello? BARNEY Michael. and frantic without Miriam around.. DR..DAY .GREEN 8-7-09 BARNEY (CONT'D) (beat) Montreal.. MANDEBAUM Just answer it. MIRIAM (into phone) Hello. I can't even find the fucking thing.
115. BARNEY A. MANDEBAUM What kind of car do you drive? BARNEY Morty. then ringing. put your mother on the phone.
Please. MIRIAM I know. tonight. (MORE)
. I can't sleep without you beside me.. and you go out and buy real estate for our afterlife. please come home already. BARNEY What does that mean? You're not sure? MIRIAM Why is everything all or nothing with you? I say I need a little space. you did. Come back
116. That we'll be together forever.. MIRIAM (beat) What? BARNEY I can't handle being without you for even a few days. I just needed that settled. And you shouldn't have done that without talking to me first. MIRIAM Barney. I just-MIRIAM Overreacted? Yes. BARNEY I'm sorry. and that got me thinking and. (beat) I'm sure what you bought is fine. BARNEY I've learned my lesson.
MIRIAM I wasn't punishing you.YELLOW 8-7-09 BARNEY Miriam. well. That's a big thing. I keep reaching over for you in bed and-BARNEY I bought our cemetery plots today.
GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM (CONT'D) What am I saying . 176 INT. I love you-BARNEY Blair?! MIRIAM Don't even start. empty house.NIGHT Barney's sitting at the bar chatting it up with Jill and a BLONDE (38) patron. going out of his mind. No way! Barney shrugs. So they called him down for a final interview. I love you. BLONDE You're crazy! 176*
Jill goes to serve another customer.
117. MIRIAM Barney.if you bought it it's certainly the best plot in the whole city.
BLONDE (CONT'D) You don't remember me do you? BARNEY Should I?
. JILL --And so he leaves his OWN wedding and chases after her onto the train. Goodbye. He actually took YOUR advice and told them he had another offer. I'm enjoying my week with my son. but I really do have to go.
She hangs up. BARNEY I love you. BARNEY I can't believe you're there with Blair. Blair is waiting for us at the restaurant. Now I have to go. not knowing what to do with himself. But I'm still not coming home today. He's already quite drunk. I'm not going to have this discussion with you. Barney looks around the big. GRUMPY'S BAR .
Syphilis. slow down. sweaty and satisfied. Too drunk and too horrified to process what he's just done. HARD CUT TO: 177 178 OMITTED INT. Now. I don't remember.YELLOW 8-7-09 BLONDE I had a small part on your TV show a few years ago.
118. Gonorrhea. Barney watches her walk away. naked.
BLONDE That's okay. in a state of panic. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . BARNEY'S CAR . Barney stares up at the ceiling. DR. bursts into Morty's office who is eating lunch at his desk. Really? BARNEY I'm sorry. 179 INT. 180 INT.DAY Barney. Barney is conspicuously silent and nervous. (standing) I'm going to freshen up a bit. DR. MANDEBAUM Test for what? BARNEY VD. MANDEBAUM Whoa. I remembered you right away.a HUGE bouquet of roses with a "Welcome Home" card sits in between Barney and Miriam.DAY Driving home from the airport . would you mind ordering me another? The look in her eye tells us exactly where this is going. BARNEY I need a test. And I need the results as soon as possible.DRIVING . Morty. whoa. AIDS-DR.DEN . 180 179 177 178
. MANDEBAUM'S OFFICE .NIGHT The blonde from the bar rolls off of Barney. What the hell happened? BARNEY Just give me the test.
Too nice. Go. MIRIAM I missed you.DAY They walk in from the airport. Barney LEAPS to answer it. 182 INT.and run you a bath. KITCHEN . MIRIAM What's wrong? Nothing. BARNEY (CONT'D) But you must be exhausted . BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . talking from the other room. BARNEY Let me put these in water and I'll unpack your bags. Barney's acting strange. BARNEY I missed you too.. (to Miriam) It's work.
. Barney.. The phone RINGS.CONTINUOUS Barney fills a GLASS VASE with water.. how does that sound? She follows him into the kitchen.BLUE 7-3-09 181 INT. He squirms out of her arms and carries the roses to the kitchen. relax..
119. Both anxious and nice. MIRIAM I have a better idea. MIRIAM It's good to be home. BARNEY Why? MIRIAM 182 (CONT'D)
BARNEY Hello? Hold on. Problems on the set. she's in the mood for love.I'll put on some tea . 181
She wraps her arms around his waist and kisses him.
I'm not sick. so?. thank God. 183 INT. The phone in her hand. MIRIAM Then what is it? What are you hiding from me?
. bye. all those cigars-BARNEY Miriam. Barney walks into the bedroom.. BARNEY I'm not sick. Barney takes a deep breath.
BARNEY Morty.. I'll be in the bedroom. He takes another deep breath to compose himself and exits. You were acting so strange. 183
MIRIAM I don't know why. you.. MIRIAM (O. oh. Miriam exits. okay.
He hangs up.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM When you're done hiding whatever it is you screwed up while I was gone.S. Thank
120. Naked. but stops in his tracks when he sees-Miriam crying. but I dialed star 69. She's trembling.CONTINUOUS Ready for some good lovin'. Terrified.) Are you off the phone? BARNEY Yes.
MIRIAM (CONT'D) Why did you lie about it being Morty on the phone? Tell me the truth are you sick? (beat) TELL ME. He closes his eyes and remains silent and still for a long beat. BEDROOM . She has to sit down.. MIRIAM The way you cough at night.. I am..
She storms out.
. BARNEY It meant nothing to me. MIRIAM HAD a life. Miriam. We have a life.
Off Barney.YELLOW 8-7-09 Beat. Miriam is completely devastated. BARNEY (CONT'D) Please.
120A. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .A KNOCKING at the door. completely shell shocked we -CUT TO:
INT.PRESENT DAY PRE-LAP .NIGHT .
Morty says I've got at least a year before I'm totally bonkers. Kate is standing in the door watching him. You could use one. She starts toward the kitchen --
BARNEY (CONT'D) Have you talked to her yet? KATE No. She nods .a request from our ever faithful listener. Alphonse. BARNEY Easy. kiddo."I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" by Dusty Springfield. all the way from Montreal. Barney grins. He has to gently pry her arms from around his neck. Kate nods.that's for sure.DEN . Barney looks at her with surprise. (beat) Let's not mourn just yet. her eyes filled with tears. His eyes drifting over old photographs and items of nostalgia. BARNEY (CONT'D) Your mother's show is on. Kate exits. Alphonse. BARNEY Don't worry her with anything.O. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . FLASHBACK TO: She steps in and 185 Okay?
. Why don't you fix us a couple drinks. she throws her arms around Barney and won't let go.) That was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" .MOMENTS LATER Barney's sitting at his desk. hands him his drink. 185 INT.
The door opens revealing KATE. The final bars of Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man" playing on Miriam's radio show.BLUE 7-3-09
121. MIRIAM (V. And here's one for you Alphonse . KATE Here you go.
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT .
. Her eyes puffy from crying. (beat) I know how difficult this is for both of you. MICHAEL There's nothing I can do about that. It's so utterly shocking to both of them. but it's hard to get past his flailing arms. BARNEY Watch your mouth.
BARNEY Michael. tearing the room apart. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT .DEN .KITCHEN . wait.PRESENT DAY 188
Through the apartment and into the kitchen where Kate is helping to pack.Barney shatters a framed photo. Kate runs in and tries to stop him.PAST (2003) Movers carry boxes down the hallway to the elevator. Barney paces back and forth. 186
INT. but your mother and I will work through this. He won't even look at
Michael walks in to grab another box. BACK TO: 188 INT.DAY .
BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . but she still loved you. MICHAEL Then how could you have fucked this up? How? She deserved so much better.YELLOW 8-7-09 186
122. Michael won't even look at his father. Michael then storms out of the house. that no one can move or say a word. MICHAEL Do you even understand what you did here? BARNEY Of course. Back and forth. I'm still your father. Barney SLAPS Michael. his father. ungrateful prick. Barney steps aside to let Michael past with a box in hand. you miserable. We follow Barney back inside --
SOLANGE (calling out) Allo? You better be decent.MORNING TITLE: 6 MONTHS LATER 189
DING. won't make eye contact. STOP. 190 INT. He 191
SOLANGE (CONT'D) As handsome as you've ever
Barney double checks the knot in the mirror.CONTINUOUS 190
She enters and sets the coffees down. The elevator doors open revealing Solange. STOP!! He finally stops. There. BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT . carrying two cups of coffee. 191 INT.
. Kate is unsure what to do. She steps to him and does his tie. His eyes filled with tears.
BARNEY I can't remember your mother's number.BLUE 7-3-09 KATE DADDY.SAME TIME Barney's side of the closet is filled with his clothes. is trying but unable to do his tie. let me do it.BEDROOM . He looks up her. been.BARNEY'S APARTMENT . FADE OUT: 189 INT.
He just stares at the TELEPHONE RECEIVER in his hand. Barney. WALK-IN CLOSET . BARNEY Goddamn it! He sees Solange in the doorway watching him. They say nothing.
123. His frustration finally boils over. while the other that once held Miriam's wardrobe is completely bare. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT . She walks down the hallway to Barney's apartment and lets herself in with a key. PLEASE. in his best suit. SOLANGE Here.
PINK 7-27-09 SOLANGE (CONT'D) It's time to go.
RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . 192 AND 192A 193 OMITTED
124. She walks out first. drinking a glass of sparkling water. taking advantage of every second he has to simply watch her.DAY
Barney sitting at his table in the Ritz Garden. Barney sits tight.GARDEN .
He takes one last look in the mirror. 192 AND 192A 193
EXT. elegant and graceful as she ever was. Every bit as gorgeous. His breath is taken away when he sees -BARNEY POV Miriam entering the garden.
but has to fight off tears instead. I want you to be at peace with that. MIRIAM We can be friends now. MIRIAM You look great. BARNEY Have I ever given up when it comes to you?
MIRIAM I'm here for you if you'll let me. BARNEY We can't. are you? BARNEY Only coffee for me now. They're always coming out with new treatments and trials-BARNEY Let's not do that whole thing. can't we? No. and shaking hands before Barney just takes her into his arms and hugs her. Solange -. She nods. I was actually thinking a dog collar might be easier.. Kate's numbers. She tries to laugh. (pulls out a paper) My address and number. We had a beautiful marriage. but it's over. MIRIAM You're not going to get sick on me again. We
125..PINK 7-27-09 She sees him and smiles as she approaches the table. But I do have crib notes. They sit.all the important stuff in case I get lost. BARNEY You look fantastic. They play through an awkward exchange of leaning in for a kiss. all know where this is going. MIRIAM I've been doing some research.
Miriam slices through the moist. are you ready to hear the specials of the day? BARNEY Sure.YELLOW 8-7-09 MIRIAM Never. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . warm chocolate sponge. Miriam hands him his fork. 197 INT.MOMENTS LATER Miriam returns from the washroom and is panicked when Barney is missing from the table. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL GARDEN . which one he is supposed to use. LADIES BATHROOM . She races over to Jean. 194 195 OMITTED EXT. Mmmm.GARDEN . Heaven..
They grin with anticipation. Barney and Miriam each have one. JEAN Bonjour.RITZ CARLTON . And they eat cake.A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. 197 196 He can't remember
. BARNEY Thank you. She opens her eyes to see-BARNEY'S HAND hovering above his cutlery. Carries it past her lips and savors. BARNEY So what makes you think I would start now? Beat.MOMENTS LATER Miriam crying in a stall. LATER CU .. MIRIAM Would you excuse me? I have to use the ladies room? 196 INT.DAY
she pulls it out. did you see Barney? JEAN No.GREEN 8-7-09 MIRIAM Jean. he paid the bill. grinning from ear to ear as if nothing is wrong. CONGRATULATIONS. the kids are gone. She carefully unfolds it-INSERT .MOMENTS LATER
She enters the same hall where she and Barney first met. takes her breath away.THE PAPER "CANADIENS 2 BRUINS 1 IN OVERTIME. BARNEY Look at you. BARNEY It's beautiful in here isn't it? MIRIAM You forgot your wallet at the table. Seeing it literally 198* *
RECEPTION HALL . MIRIAM I thought I lost you.
A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER is sticking out of the wallet. The paper old and cracked.
. Madame.RITZ CARLTON HOTEL . wondering why he said that. but forgot his wallet on the table. you're practically shaking. Barney is standing there. why don't we go home. BARNEY What's wrong? MIRIAM I couldn't find you. Jean hands her Barney's old. watch a movie. BARNEY Lost me? Hey. I got so scared... Miriam cocks her head. 198 INT. Without thinking why . MIRIAM" *
It's the note she passed to him the night they first met. He's carried this on him all these years. curl up in bed. beat up WALLET.
She falls into his embrace. FADE OUT: TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR LATER CUT TO: 199 EXT. MIRIAM Let's get you home. producer of the long running soap "O'Malley Of The North".
He takes her by the arm and walks her out of the lobby. who went missing over thirty years ago. Boogie's bones with snorkel. having realized he's forgotten they ever split up. You're the one who dropped them off at school. was the only suspect in the case. don't cry.. as happy as he's ever been. His friend. He pulls her close. MOUNT ORFORD .DAY ON TV . BARNEY (CONT'D) So what do you say? Can we play hooky? She can't bring herself to shatter his fragile reality. the kids.NEWS REPORT OVER IMAGES of the mountain..? BARNEY Yeah.PINK 7-27-09 MIRIAM The kids. and Barney: REPORTER It was in a ravine on Mount Orford that Hydro workers stumbled upon the remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch.
128. Barney Panofsky. BARNEY (CONT'D) Have I not loved you enough today? She buries her face in his neck to stop from completely breaking down. flippers and goggles. 199
. Are you okay? (off her crying) Oh my love.
This just brings us one step closer to proving the truth. KITCHEN . doesn't mean he didn't kill him.
O'HEARNE IS MOBBED BY A THRONG OF REPORTERS ON THE STREET. KATE (laughs) Oh.
A LONG SHOT OF THE HILLSIDE WHERE THE REMAINS WERE FOUND. PATHOLOGIST Our findings show that Mr.CONTINUOUS REPORTER (on TV) But at least one part of a thirty year mystery has finally been solved. that. For years now. 200
IDENTIFIED ON SCREEN. Daddy has been paying some guy to make up those fake tabloid items about Solange.COTTAGE . REPORTER Police say the pathologist's findings don't shed any new light onto who may have been responsible for this death -As the report continues we PULL OUT from the TV into--
OMITTED INT. A PATHOLOGIST RESPONDS TO REPORTERS. O'HEARNE Just because he didn't shoot him.BLUE 7-3-09 200
129. what is this regular payment out of the company? Kate takes the document. Michael has a thick DOCUMENT in his hands that he's looking over. Moscovitch died from either being severely beaten with a blunt instrument or had fallen from a considerable height. Where Kate is pouring them each a tea. There were NO gunshot wounds whatsoever. MICHAEL Why?
. MICHAEL Okay.
It's a picture perfect day. SUNROOM .CONTINUOUS 206
MOUNDS OF PAPERWORK everywhere. He passes her a flagged contract from one of the paper piles. Michael uses the honey and follows Kate out to the -205 INT. just in case she checked the number. Kate drips honey into her tea. MICHAEL Ever? KATE Ever.CONTINUOUS 205
Where they pass the well known sketch by Clara.COTTAGE . They continue out to the -206 INT.
MICHAEL (smelling honey) Is this honey still good? KATE Honey doesn't go bad. Michael and Kate sit. DEN .BLUE 7-3-09 KATE I don't know. but it's true. MICHAEL I can't believe he's leaving that to her. Daddy asked me to keep it going.
. KATE As if running out on their wedding to chase mom wasn't enough of a rub. Hands it to Michael. He even had them faxed from Bulgaria. While she signs the pages. To make her feel good. You know she hated that thing? MICHAEL She's not gonna hate it when she finds out how much it's worth. Michael looks out onto the lake. MICHAEL Where did you hear that? KATE I don't remember.
131. the original painting by my late friend. (beat) He shouldn't have included that. KATE What's next?
MICHAEL (reading) "To my wife.GREEN 8-7-09 MICHAEL What do you want to do about the cottage? KATE We're never selling this cottage. Leo Fasoli.
. MICHAEL I agree. Okay. Miriam Grant Panofsky. MICHAEL That doesn't mean anything. I leave our city condo. MICHAEL There's one last thing. KATE Only until death do them part. It's not fair to her. Hands it back. KATE See? He always hoped Boogie would come back. and the adjoining plot to my own in Mount Royal cemetery where my wish is for her to buried along side me". Yeah. but it's not relevant anymore. She's married to Blair. Beat.
She finishes signing the agreement. He left Boogie money to publish any original writings of his choosing when he should return.
Michael walks to the lake and sits beside BARNEY. Michael takes out a cigar from his breast pocket. From here they look much like Barney's family did years ago. Barney's mind is now almost completely gone. KATE He's our father. Turns it back over again. Why can't you let go of this already? MICHAEL You brought it up. even react to Michael's presence. 208 EXT. KATE Stop it. Michael exits. I'm just saying that we'll never really know what happened. stares out at the lake -207 MICHAEL POV BARNEY sitting on a lawn chair by the lake.BLUE 6-25-09 KATE Of course it does. What else do you need to know? It's a touchy subject he'd rather not get into. MICHAEL I'm going to go down to the lake. Michael turns the Banana over for him. MICHAEL Try it this way. Barney looks at it
Michael and Barney look out ACROSS THE LAKE where a young family with two children play with a BEACH BALL in the water. Clips and
. He doesn't
Barney is slowly trying to peel a BANANA from the WRONG END. oddly. lights it. He didn't do it. Why would he leave Boogie money if he killed him? MICHAEL So no one would think he did. COTTAGE .DAY Michael
It pulls back up into the sky. dad. did you see that? He turns to Barney who.. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Do you remember how much we loved that when we were kids? The WATER PLANE is still in the air and has begun to swing back around. just don't tell Kate.. The plane descends toward the lake.BLUE 7-3-09 MICHAEL (CONT'D) Here. He spots a WATER PLANE approaching. then pressing it to his forehead just as Barney did with Izzy when he died. I'm so sorry. but his thoughts.along with the BEACH BALL onto the side of a MOUNTAIN which we can easily identify as the spot where they found Boogie's remains. A perfect blue sky behind them. Floating in the middle of the lake is the BEACH BALL. Tears in her eyes. It opens its hull and drops its water load ... having gotten away from the young family previously.. His eyes light up with excitement. Oh my God. The plane's HULL opens and SWALLOWS up water. Michael takes his father's hand. if any. Blades of thick. FADE TO: 209 EXT. Barney is able to
133. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Boogie. is watching the plane too. green leaves on a tree moving with a gentle breeze. smoke it just fine. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm sorry. the hull closes. ALONG WITH THE BEACH BALL. Watching this. it suddenly comes together for Michael... are a mystery to all. holding it. KATE Standing on the deck. dad. He exchanges the banana for the cigar. Barney continues to puff on his cigar. 209
Michael hears a RUMBLING in the distance. watching them.DAY Bright. much to his surprise.. CEMETERY . green grass flutter.
MOVING WITH MIRIAM .GREEN 8-7-09 The sounds of footsteps on a rocky path. the HEADSTONE READS -BARNEY PANOFSKY 1944 . she grazes the tombstone with her fingertips.GRAVE SITE . Maybe the most picturesque spot ever.beside Barney's name is written -MIRIAM GRANT PANOFSKY * * * * *
. Her eyes moist with tears. A view of the entire city. then starts back down the hill..DAY She reaches the highest peak on the only hillside in the cemetery. We remain on the hillside and move toward the grave.
She mutters a silent prayer before laying the flowers down. CEMETERY .as she slowly walks uphill carrying fresh flowers.. 210 EXT..
134.2010 PAN ACROSS the DOUBLE HEADSTONE .