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Family Guy

"More Money, More Funny"

written by
Rodney Ohebsion
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com

ACT ONE

INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY


A televised poker game is taking place. QUAGMIRE is seated
at a poker table with GARY BUSEY, PHIL HELLMUTH, JENNIFER
HARMAN, and a POKER DEALER.
PETER, JOE, and CLEVELAND are seated in the audience,
drinking beer, and watching the game along with 200 other
SPECTATORS.
PETER
(to Joe and Cleveland)
So remind me again--which card is
better? A Jack, or a Queen?

JOE
A Queen.

PETER
But that doesn't make sense.
(drinks beer)
After all--Jack is a man and the
Queen is a woman; and it's been
scientifically proven that women’s
brains don’t work as good as men’s
brains, on account of how if a woman
goes to a mall and she sees shoes,
she has to spend hours looking at the
shoes, and also, women do that
feminine thing, the one that has
blood, which means less blood for a
woman’s brain.
OPRAH WINFREY is seated next to Peter.

OPRAH WINFREY
Hey. I find your views on women to be
very offensive.

Oprah turns to DR. PHIL, who's sitting right next to her.


OPRAH WINFREY (CONT'D)
What do you think, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL
Well, Oprah. I think this guy
actually made a few good points.
(drinks beer)
After all, women do in fact shop for
shoes and engage in bloody feminine
activity.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 2.

Peter and Dr. Phil high five.

OPRAH WINFREY
Idiots.

PETER
I'm not an idiot.
(to Joe)
Joe. Which card is better -- a two,
or a three?
JOE
(annoyed)
A three.
PETER
But that doesn't make any sense.

JOE
It makes plenty of sense! Just watch
the game and stop asking questions.
Quagmire is getting close to winning
the World Championship of Poker.
CLEVELAND
It looks like Quagmire has a good
hand.
JOE
How can you tell?

CLEVELAND
Well. He's saying the word “giggity”
repeatedly.
Over at the table, Quagmire is peeking at his hole cards:
two Aces.
QUAGMIRE
(happy)
Giggity, giggity, giggity.
(looks at the other players)
I mean, uh. Poker face.

He puts on a poker face. Second later, he peeks at his cards


again.

QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)
(happy)
Giggity, giggity, giggity.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

STEWIE and BRIAN are watching the poker game on TV, as


DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 3.

Quagmire continues to say giggity.

Brian has a laptop in front of him.

STEWIE
What you doing with that computer,
Brian?

BRIAN
Well. If you must know, I'm working
on my new novel.

STEWIE
Hm. I've noticed you haven't been
typing much. In fact, you haven't
typed anything in the last half hour.
BRIAN
Well. That's how writing works. You
have to let ideas germinate.

STEWIE
By sitting in front of the TV?

BRIAN
Yes by sitting in front of the TV!
Now will you please be quiet, so I
can hear what the people on TV are
saying and let my ideas germinate
properly?

On TV, we see a booth with the poker broadcast's announcers


and commentators TOM TUCKER, CHRIS, and CONSUELA.

TOM TUCKER
Welcome back to the World
Championship of Poker--presented by
Rolaids. I'm Tom Tucker, alongside my
new intern Chris Griffin, and my new
maid Consuela.

CHRIS
Uh. Mr. Tucker. Aren't you gonna
mention Consuela's last name?

TOM TUCKER
I don't think she has one.

CHRIS
Consuela. Do you have a last name?
CONSUELA
No, no, no. No last name. One name.
Consuela.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 4.

TOM TUCKER
(to TV Audience)
Anyways, this is day seven of the
World Championship of Poker--and
we're here at the Quahog Casino,
Hotel, and Ostrich Farm.

Consuela starts Windexing Chris's face.


TOM TUCKER (CONT'D)
This place holds the distinction of
being the world's only indoor ostrich
farm, as well as the location used in
the 1982 blaxploitation film, I'm
Gonna Kill Yo Ass in a Casino.

INT. CASINO (SLOT MACHINES) - DAY


A BLACK MAN (30, dressed like Dolemite) is playing a slot
machine. Right behind him, an ostrich lays an egg, and a
farmer in overalls walks over and collects the egg. The
Black Man collects his winning from his machine and gets up.
He sees BLACK MAN 2 (30, also dressed like Dolemite).

BLACK MAN
Yo, man. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a
casino.

He attacks Black Man 2, and they have a stereotypical


blaxploitation kung fu fight.

They stop fighting.

BLACK MAN 2
Wait a second. This movie is chock
full of over-the-top black
stereotypes. It's a racist movie.

BLACK MAN
Yeah. What's your point?

BLACK MAN 2
I guess I don't have a point.

BLACK MAN
Well then. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a
casino.

They continue fighting.

INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY

The Dealer is shuffling the deck.


DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 5.

TOM TUCKER (V.O.)


We started this tournament with ten
thousand players--and now we're down
to four: poker pro Phil Hellmuth,
poker pro Jennifer Harman, actor Gary
Busey, and local hooligan Glenn
Quagmire. Chris. You're my color
commentator. Tell us a little
something about the players.
CHRIS (V.O)
Well. Let's see. Gary Busey has
starred in hit movies like Lethal
Weapon and Point Break. And Mr.
Quagmire really likes women who are
Asian, and also women who are not
Asian.
PETER
(to Joe and Cleveland)
I can't believe Quagmire is playing
for a grand prize of fifteen million
dollars. This is really exciting. But
on the other hand, I can watch the
Three Stooges on my phone.
He takes out his cell phone and plays a Three Stooges video.

PETER (CONT'D)
Ah ha ha ha! Moe just slapped Curly!
Ah ha ha ha!
(shows his phone to Cleveland)
Look, Cleveland! Look! I think he's
about to slap him again.
Quagmire and Jennifer Harman are the only two players left
in the poker hand. Jennifer Harman bets, and Quagmire calls
and turns over his hand.
QUAGMIRE
I call. I have three of a kind. And
you have a large pair. A large pair
of breasts.

Jennifer Harman flips over her hand.


JENNIFER HARMAN
I have a full house.

QUAGMIRE
You have a full blouse.
JENNIFER HARMAN
I'm done playing with you!
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She shoves all her chips towards Quagmire's stack.


JENNIFER HARMAN (CONT'D)
Here! Just take my chips!
She stands up and walks away.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY


Stewie and Brian are still watching the poker game on TV.
STEWIE
You gotta love that Quagmire. He's a
delightful young man.
BRIAN
He's middle aged. And he's a
sleazeball.

STEWIE
Must you be so negative?
Consuela is Widexing their table.

CONSUELA
Yes. Brian is negative. Stuey also
negative. He say Brian no work on
book.

STEWIE
Uh. Consuela. Aren't you at the World
Championship of Poker right now?
CONSUELA
Yes. I do two job. For make more
money. I go back now for poker job.
She exits the home, and Brian and Stewie watch from the
window and see her getting on a bus.

INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY


Quagmire, Gary Busey, and Phil Hellmuth are involved in a
hand. On screen, we can see graphics of the players' hidden
hole cards--Gary Busey: two "Draw Four" Uno cards; Quagmire:
2s 5d; Phil Hellmuth: Jd 8d. The community cards on the
table are Jh As 7c.

Quagmire puts in some chips.


TOM TUCKER (V.O)
Quagmire is bluffing with just five
high!
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Hellmuth and Busey quickly call.


PETER
(chants from the Audience)
We want a pitcher! Not a belly
itcher! We want a catcher! Not a
belly scratcher! Hey batter batter
batter--sahwing batter!
CLEVELAND
Peter -- that's the wrong sport.

PETER
Right.
(starts a basketball chant)
Deefence
(clap, clap)
Dee-fence
The Dealer puts a 6 of hearts on the board. Hellmuth and
Busey check, and Quagmire bets.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Wow. Mr. Quagmire bluffed again!
CONSUELA (V.O.)
We need more Windex. Someone buy.

PHIL HELLMUTH
I call.
He puts in some chips.

Gary Busey flips over his Draw Four cards and puts them in
front of Quagmire and Hellmuth.
GARY BUSEY
Draw four!
The Dealer hold up a red (soccer referee) card.
TOM TUCKER (V.O.)
Gary Busey has just been disqualified
for playing Uno instead of poker.
GARY BUSEY
You sunk my battleship!

The Dealer puts a 7 of hearts on the board. Hellmuth checks,


and Quagmire pushes in a bunch of chips.
TOM TUCKER
And Quagmire bets ten million chips
with absolutely nothing!
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 8.

Hellmuth looks annoyed and starts muttering to himself.


PHIL HELLMUTH
These players, these idiots--they
make these moves, they don’t even
know anything about poker, they can’t
even spell poker, they can’t even
spell dog, I tell them to sound it
out, I tell them it starts with a D.
Hellmuth throws his cards in the muck.
QUAGMIRE
Alright!
PETER
(imitating a soccer game accouncer)
Goooooooooaaaaaalllll!
Goooooooooaaaaaalllll! El Quagmire
bluffito con los cardos que no son
mucho buenos! Goooooooooaaaaaalllll!

INT. GRIFFINS' HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Stewie and Brian are still watching the poker tournament on


TV.
TOM TUCKER (ON TV)
Looks like Quagmire might take this
tournament. If he does, what do you
think he's gonna do with the fifteen
million dollars, Chris?
CHRIS (ON TV)
Well, Tom. I suppose he will spend
the money on something pertaining to
Asian women.
Brian changes the channel.

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY


JERRY SEINFELD is performing.

JERRY SEINFELD
Breakfast is the most important and
confusing meal of the day. I mean, is
there anyone on this planet who can
listen to Rice Krispies and hear the
difference between a snap, a crackle,
and a pop?
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 9.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY


Stewie laughs.
BRIAN
You like this? I was about to change
channel.
Stewie puts a knife to Brian's throat.

STEWIE
Back away from the remote.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD
And why is it when you mix toast with
an egg, the whole thing becomes
French toast? I mean, does that work
with other things? If you mix an egg
with my wife's downtown discoteque,
does that mean the discoteque is
French? And if I go downtown and
visit this French discoteque, what am
I supposed to do? Give it a French
kiss?

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY


Stewie is drinking milk, and he laughs so hard, the milk
comes flying out of his nose.
Brian show no trace of amusement.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD
And how come so many New York City
cab drivers have stupid names like
Amal?

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY


STEWIE
Exactly! They're foreigners!

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY


JERRY SEINFELD
And why is it that when you get on an
airplane, the flight attendants teach
you how to use your seatbelt?
(MORE)
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 10.

JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)


Do they think that if we don't get
those instructions, we'll use the
seatbelt to lasso a cow that's
grazing over in aisle three of the
economy section?

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY


STEWIE
(laughs uncontrollably)
Jerry Seinfeld is a creative genius.
I never knew art could reach such an
incredible level of beauty and grace.
I mean, seriously--what's French
about the toast?
BRIAN
Um--Stewie, it's just observational
humor about breakfast and foreigners.
It's not art. Art is a painting, or a
sculpture, or a novel.
STEWIE
A novel? What--you mean like your
novel?
BRIAN
Well. Yeah.
STEWIE
Does your novel ask the important
questions--like, "What's French about
French toast?
BRIAN
No. It asks the important questions--
like, "What does it really mean to be
a human being? Or a dog."
STEWIE
Let me just ask you this. What's the
deal with your novel, Brian?
BRIAN
The deal with it is "kiss my ass."
STEWIE
I mean, instead of writing mindless
drivel, why don't you try doing what
Jerry Seinfeld does?
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 11.

BRIAN
Jerry Seinfeld writes the most
mindless drivel of all!
STEWIE
I will not stand for you to sully the
image of Mr. Seinfeld! How dare you!
I mean, I'd like to see you come up
with an insightful, witty observation
like, "What's so French about French
toast?"
BRIAN
I'd like to see you come up with
observations like that.
STEWIE
Well. I'd like to see that as well.
... Oh my goodness, Brian! I just
realized what I want to do with my
life. I want to be a stand up
comedian!
BRIAN
Great. I think you should.
STEWIE
Really?

BRIAN
Absolutely. Because I'm gonna piss
all over your comedy the way you've
pissed all over my novels.
STEWIE
Piss. That's a funny word. Maybe I
can use that in my act. Piss. Piss.
Or how about mango? That sounds
funny, too. Mango. Mango. Mango.

END OF ACT ONE


DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 12.

ACT TWO

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY

Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table


with $15 million cash and a deck of cards.
JOE
How the hell did you outplay Phil
Hellmuth?
QUAGMIRE
He has a tell. Every time he gets a
good hand, I get turned on. Alright.
Let's play some poker. I'm really in
a gambling mood after winning that
tournament. I got fifteen million
dollars on the table. How much are
you guys buying in for?
Peter takes out a $100 bill.
PETER
Twenty bucks. You got change for a
hundred?

Close up on Peter's watch. It says 1:00.


Cut to it saying 2:00. All the money is next to Peter.
PETER (CONT'D)
Wow. I've won a lot of money. There
must be at least... twenty bucks
here.
QUAGMIRE
Peter. You've won fifteen million
seven hundred fifty three dollars and
twenty eight cents. And my
supermarket club card.
CLEVELAND
And my moustache comb.
JOE
And my wife.

Peter is using the moustache comb on his teeth. BONNIE is


sitting next to him.
PETER
Mustache comb? I thought this was a
"black man's toothpick."
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 13.

JOE
Peter. Let's focus here. You just had
one of the winningest poker sessions
ever.
PETER
Well. You did okay, too. You won my
wife.
LOIS is sitting next to Joe.
LOIS
Peter. He didn't win me. I'm not a
poker chip.
PETER
Lois--I think I'm a good enough poker
player to tell the difference between
a poker chip and a non poker chip.
After all, I just had one of the
winningest poker sessions ever.
LOIS
Because for most of the game, I sat
next to you and told you what to do,
and you won fifteen million dollars.
And then you bet me.
PETER
Honey -- you're forgetting one thing.
JOE
Hey. Don't call her “honey.” She's my
wife now--remember?

PETER
Oh. Right.
(to Bonnie)
Honey--you're forgetting one thing.

INT. COMEDY CLUB - DAY


A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a small
AUDIENCE. Brian and Stewie walk in and make their way to a
table.
BLACK COMEDIAN
...Ain't no grapes or nuts in that
box. So why the hell is it called
Grape-Nuts?
Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.
A WAITRESS walks by their table.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 14.

STEWIE
(to Waitress)
Excuse me. Can you get me a scotch
and orange juice, shaken, not
stirred, in a sippy cup that's
yellow, not orange?
She walks away.
BLACK COMEDIAN
(to Audience)
And let me just say this. Cab drivers
got some crazy ass names. The other
day I was in a cab, and the driver's
name was "eklikhikhligillekhleh."
STEWIE
Ha ha ha! Yes! Because cab drivers
are foreigners!
The Waitress serves Stewie a sippy cup.

BLACK COMEDIAN
(to Audience)
And let me just say this. White
people drink juice.
Stewie is drinking from a yellow sippy cup.
STEWIE
That's true. I'm drinking juice right
now.

BLACK COMEDIAN
(to Audience)
But black people--we don't be
drinking no juice.
Stewie is taking notes. In his notebook, we can see what he
wrote: "White people drink juice. Black people DON'T drink
juice."

BRIAN
You're taking notes?
STEWIE
Stand up comedy is my passion, Brian!
BLACK COMEDIAN
(to Audience)
'Cause if you're black, you don't
drink juice. But if your skin is
white, your refrigerator got
so much juice, it looks like a mother
effing Tropicana factory.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 15.

Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people and black people


have fundamentally different mother effing lifestyles--
especially when it comes to juice."
BLACK COMEDIAN (CONT'D)
Like, I mean, black people hate
Donald Trump, and they drink Kool-
Aid. But white people--white people
are all like,
(over-the-top stereotypical white
voice)
"Honey--can you pour me a glass of
juice? Barack Obama is a
distrusworthy negro.”
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people think Barack
Obama is a distrustworthy negro."
BRIAN
(to Stewie)
Can we go now?
STEWIE
Brian--don't interrupt me while I'm
working.

INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Peter is
wearing a tuxedo and eating beans out of a can. MEG enters.
MEG
Mom--why is dad wearing a tuxedo and
eating Beefaroni?
LOIS
Well, honey. It's because we're
millionaires.

PETER
Yeah. When I was a hundredaire, I
wore shirts and ate out food out of a
box. But now that I'm a millionaire,
I wear tuxedos and eat food out of a
can.
CHRIS enters from the kitchen and looks at Peter.
CHRIS
Whoa! Are we millionaires?!
MEG
You could tell that just by seeing
dad eat Beefaroni in a tuxedo?
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 16.

CHRIS
Yeah. And also, our kitchen is filled
with stacks of hundred dollar bills.
Are we gonna buy a Bentley and move
to Beverly Hills?

LOIS
Well. I mean, now that we're
millionaires, the first thing I want
to do... is gamble.
PETER
Yeah. Me, too.
MEG
You two sound like gambling addicts.

LOIS
Don't be ridiculous, honey. It's
just, when you gamble and win, you
really want to continue gambling.
PETER
It’s a natural part of the ecosystem.
It's like Ben Franklin said. "It
takes a penny to make a penny to keep
the apple away you screw a doctor a
day."
Chris is holding a half-eaten apple. He throws it in the
trash.
PETER (CONT'D)
(continues)
I need to keep on playing poker so I
can make more money and screw more
doctors. I'm a great poker player. I
even use, like, math and stuff.
MEG
What’s twelve minus two?
PETER
I told you before--I don’t believe in
all that global warming horsepucky.
MEG
“Twelve minus two” is not climate
science. It’s math.
PETER
I’m just saying. If it’s so hot, then
explain to me how Eskimos are still
building igloos with ice. Wouldn’t
the ice be melting by now?
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 17.

The doorbell rings. Lois opens it to reveal a traditionally


dressed JAPANESE MESSENGER.

JAPANESE MESSENGER
Hello. I am a traditional Japanese
messenger, sent here by Gary Busey.
LOIS
Gary Busey isn't Japanese.
JAPANESE MESSENGER
Yes. But he is a lunatic. And he
found out that you won fifteen
million dollars today from Quagmire
san--so he sent me here to invite you
to a private poker game in his hotel
room at the Quahog Hotel, Casino, and
Ostrich Farm.
PETER
Tell Busey san that we accept his
invitation, and we'll be there with
our fifteen million dollars.

MEG
Are you crazy?! Mom -- tell dad not
to gamble with all fifteen million
dollars.
LOIS
Meg, honey. You just don't understand
how all this Japanese messenger
gambling stuff works. It would be
dishonorable for us to show up with
less than fifteen million dollars.
CHRIS
That makes sense.

EXT. STREET - DAY


Brian and Stewie are walking.
STEWIE
Alright. My career plan is moving
along nicely.
BRIAN
Career plan?
STEWIE
Step one: attend a stand up comedy
show. Step two: perform stand up
comedy at a local venue.
(MORE)
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 18.

STEWIE (CONT'D)
Step three: perform stand up comedy
on national television.
BRIAN
I think you left out a few hundred
steps.
STEWIE
Do you think I should use my real
voice on stage? Maybe I should act
like a redneck.
BRIAN
A redeck?
STEWIE
(in Southern accent)
You better believe it, buddy. I'm
Stewie the Cable Guy. I drive a pick
up truck, and I have relations with
my cousin.
He takes some tobacco out of his pocket, chews it, and
spits.
He then spits out the tobacco.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
Or as an alternative, I can be Cuban-
-like that Tony Montana character the
cool kids are so fond of.
(in Cuban accent)
I'm Stewie Montana. Listen, man.
What's the deal with yayo?

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY


A SECURITY GUARD opens the door to reveal Lois and Peter
rolling two shopping carts full of hundred dollar bills.

Gary Busey is standing behind the Security Guard.


GARY BUSEY
Come on in. Let me introduce you to
the guys. The highest stakes
celebrity poker players in the world.
The camera changes angles to reveal everyone seated at the
table: Dr. Phil, MATT DAMON, and DARYL HALL.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 19.

GARY BUSEY (CONT'D)


Matt Damon, Dr. Phil, and Daryl Hall
of the musical group Hall & Oates.
PETER
Where's Oates?
DARYL HALL
How the hell should I know? We're not
lovers or anything. I'm straight. You
hear me? Straight! ... So, uh--do you
want to hang out at my apartment
later? I have a hot tub.
PETER
Well. I'll have to bring my ex-wife
Lois with me.

DARYL HALL
Oh. Well then, forget it.
GARY BUSEY
(to Peter)
Alright, Peter. Let's see how good
you really are.
Close up on Dr. Phil's watch. It says 3:00. Cut to it saying
3:30.

Peter and Lois are involved in a hand with Dr. Phil. Many
bricks of hundred dollars pills are in the pot, and stacked
up very high.
PETER
(to Dr. Phil, in a serious tone)
Go Fish.
LOIS
Peter. There's no Go Fish in poker.

PETER
Well. In that case....
Peter pushes a high tower of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
PETER (CONT'D)
(to Dr. Phil)
I bet four million dollars.

DR. PHIL
You know, in Texas, we have a saying.
He pushes three high towers of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 20.

DR. PHIL (CONT'D)


I raise to twelve million dollars,
you fat son of a bitch.
PETER
I raise.
Peter puts Lois on the table. He pushes her and many stacks
of bills forward.
PETER (CONT'D)
Thirty million dollars and my ex-wife
Lois.
DR. PHIL
Wow, Peter. I gotta say. That ex-wife
of yours is one tasty dish.
LOIS
(to Peter)
Damn it, Peter! Stop betting me!
PETER
(to Dr. Phil)
What's it gonna be, Doctor?

DR. PHIL
You, my friend, are one tough
customer. I fold.
He throws his cards into the muck.
Close up on Dr. Phil's watch. It says 3:30. Cut to it saying
4:00.
The board is Jh, Js, 3h, 4h, 5d. Peter & Lois are in a hand
with Matt Damon, and there's already a lot of money in the
pot.
MATT DAMON
Okay, Peter. You want to play high
stakes poker? Here you go.

He pushes four stacks forward, each of which is high enough


to reach the ceiling.
MATT DAMON (CONT'D)
I raise to a hundred million dollars.
I'm Matt Damon. I'm a fantastic
actor.
PETER
Go Fish.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 21.

LOIS
(to Matt Damon)
What he means is, we call.
Matt Damon and Peter both turn over their hands: Jd 5h, and
Jc 5c. Old west showdown music plays in the background.
Everyone gets up and hides behind a table, except for Peter,
Lois, and Matt Damon.
PETER
What the hell just happened?
GARY BUSEY
You both have Jacks full of fives.
PETER
What does that mean?

DARYL HALL
That means you have to fight to the
death.
LOIS
Why?
DR. PHIL
Them's poker rules.
PETER
What?!
DR. PHIL
Hey. We don't make the rules here,
buddy. If them's poker rules, them's
poker rules.
DARYL HALL
Yeah. The last time this happened,
Matt Damon fought and killed Ben
Affleck.
LOIS
But Ben Affleck is still alive.
GARY BUSEY
No he isn't. A few years ago, he was
replaced by a lookalike named Ed
Smith.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK SCENE)


ED SMITH (a Ben Affleck lookalike) is with JENNIFER GARNER,
and talking to a MAITRE' D.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 22.

ED SMITH
Reservation for Ed Smith--I mean, um,
Ben Alfalfa.
JENNIFER GARNER
Ben Affleck. Your name is Ben
Affleck.
ED SMITH
Whatever. When are we gonna knock
some boots, Jessica Garvey?
JENNIFER GARNER
I'm Jennifer Garner. That's the 973rd
time you've gotten my name wrong. I
want a divorce.

INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY


Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES. Brian is
standing in the back of the room.
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
breakfast cereal?
BABY
It tastes good.
STEWIE
Yes. That's true. But, um, I know
someone named Brian, and he mixes
regular Cheerios with Honey Nut
Cheerios. What's the deal with that?
I mean, who the hell feels the need
to dilute the Honey Nut-ness of Honey
Nut Cheerios?
The Babies laugh.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
"I'm Brian, and I can't handle a
standard level of Honey Nut-ness!
That's why every morning, I mix two
different varieties of Cheerios!"
Just pick one, Brian! Either have
Cheerios, or have Honey Nut Cheerios.
BABY
Exactly, Brian.
BRIAN
I just want a breakfast with a
moderate amount of sugar and fat.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 23.

STEWIE
Then go get a box of Cinnamon Toast
Crunch!
(to Audience)
Speaking of breakfast, how come eggs
turn toast into French toast? Does
that work with other stuff? I mean,
do eggs turn Hillary Clinton's views
on the economy into Hillary Clinton's
French views on the economy? As if
she’s into laissez faire? And what
about this President Trump guy? He's
a right wing douchebag. Unlike Brian,
who's a left wing douchebag.
BABY 2
Political humor. I love it.
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
juice? Black people don't drink it
that often.

EXT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY


Brian and Stewie are standing outside of the day care
center.
STEWIE
Alright. That was a good set.
BRIAN
You freaking ripped off Jerry
Seinfeld and that other comedian.
STEWIE
What are you talking about? Seinfeld
is Jewish, and that other guy is
black. I'm neither of those things.
Plus, my jokes are way different. I
changed Mrs. Seinfeld’s French
downtown discotheque to Mrs.
Clinton’s laissez faire economic
policies. Okay. Now, help me refine
and develop my bit about juice. I'm
thinking of mentioning a specific
juice. Which juice sounds funnier?
Grapefruit juice or mango juice?
Listen, Brian. Grapefruit juice.
Mango juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango
juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
Grapefruit juice. Mango juice. Which
one's funnier? Grapefruit juice.
Mango juice.
(MORE)
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 24.

STEWIE (CONT'D)
Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
END OF ACT TWO
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 25.

ACT THREE

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT


Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are knitting sweaters.
The doorbell rings, and Quagmire opens it to reveal Peter
and Lois.
PETER
Hey, Quagmire. We just dropped by to
return this pepper shaker I stole
from you.
QUAGMIRE
You stole it?
PETER
Yeah. Right after you said that the
Austro-Hungarian empire was a
mediocre empire. Which is ridiculous!
The Austro-Hungarian empire was a
slightly better than average empire!
Slightly better than average!
QUAGMIRE
Fine. Okay. I know how sensitive you
get when it comes to empires that you
know absolutely nothing about.
PETER
Yeah. Well. Just make sure you don't
say nothing bad about the Holy Roman
Empire.
QUAGMIRE
Do you guys want to come in?
PETER
Sure.
They walk in.
CLEVELAND
So. What happened at Gary Busey’s
room? Word on the street is you
played in a high stakes game.
LOIS
Word on the street?
CLEVELAND
Yeah. You know. Like, that's the news
I heard from people.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 26.

LOIS
What people?
CLEVELAND
Well. Joe and Quagmire.

PETER
Let me tell you something, Cleveland.
If a black pimp named Huggy Bear says
something, then that qualifies as the
"word on the street." As for two
hooligans known as Joe and Quagmire,
they're not the word on the street.
CLEVELAND
Whatever! So, what happened in Gary
Busey's room?
PETER
We played Super Nintendo.
LOIS
Also, me and Peter turned our fifteen
million dollars into a hundred and
fifty million dollars. And then there
was a three hundred million dollar
pot where we had Jacks full of fives,
and Matt Damon also had jacks full of
fives. So, uh, Peter killed Matt
Damon.
PETER
(to Joe)
You're not gonna arrest me, are you?
JOE
Of course not. I mean, Jacks full of
fives. You had to kill him.
CLEVELAND
Yeah. Them's poker rules.
QUAGMIRE
(to Peter and Lois)
So you won three hundred million
dollars?

PETER
Even better. We took the money to the
casino, and bet it all on red thirty
six.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 27.

JOE
Do you mean to tell me you turned
your three hundred million dollars
into...
He types on his iPhone.
JOE (CONT'D)
...ten point five billion dollars?
PETER
No. We lost. But I had a really good
time watching that ball spin round
and round. Oh--and then later, I
watched the Three Stooges, and Moe
slapped Larry. Ha ha ha ha! Let's
watch the Three Stooges.
Peter turns on the TV.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
My first guest just won the World
Championship of Poker. Give it up for
Glenn Quagmire.
Quagmire walks onto the stage.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT


PETER
Wait a second. If that's the real
Quagmire...
Peter points a gun at Quagmire's head
PETER (CONT'D)
...then you must be Quaid.
QUAGMIRE
Peter--I'm the real Quagmire.
PETER
Oh.
Peter points a gun at the Quagmire on TV.
PETER (CONT'D)
Then he's Quaid.
QUAGMIRE
We're both the real Quagmire. I was
there earlier today.
(MORE)
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 28.

QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)
The Tonight Show is filmed five hours
before it airs.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
So Glenn. You won the World Series of
Poker. That is so awesome!
QUAGMIRE
Yeah. It's pretty awesome.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few seconds, and then he
punches Quagmire in the face.
JIMMY FALLON
(to Camera)
My next two guests were both thought
to be dead--but it turns out that
they're not. Give it up
for Elvis Presley and Tupac Sha…

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT


PETER
Boooring. I'm changing the channel.
Peter changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. JIMMY FALLON LIVE SET - NIGHT
Jimmy Fallon is seated at his desk.
JIMMY FALLON
Welcome back to Jimmy Fallon Live--
the show where I, Jimmy Fallon,
broadcast live, and go head to head
with The Tonight Show starring Jimmy
Fallon--the show where I, Jimmy
Fallon broadcast on a five hour
delay, and go head to head with this
show, Jimmy Fallon Live. No matter
which show people watch, Jimmy Fallon
wins! Okay. My next guest is a truly
fantastic actor. Give it up for Matt
Damon.
An ostrich walks out to the stage, gives Jimmy Fallon a
handshake and hug, and then sits down.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 29.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT


PETER
There's the replacement we found for
Matt Damon.
QUAGMIRE
Peter--that's an ostrich.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
Matt -- we're so happy to have you on
the show. This is so awesome. Matt
Damon!
OSTRICH
Eeeeaaah!
The Ostrich lays an egg.
JIMMY FALLON
You just laid an egg! That is so
great that you just laid an egg, Matt
Damon.
(laughs and claps)
(to camera)
Okay. My next guest is a really,
really funny comedian. Give it up for
the really, really funny, Stewie
Griffin.
Stewie walks on to the part of stage where stand up
comedians perform.
STEWIE
Mango juice.

The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at his


desk) starts laughing hysterically.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
Have you ever been eating breakfast
and thought, "This is the most
important and confusing meal of the
day?" I mean, sometimes you want
grapes and nuts--and then you open a
box that says Grape-Nuts. And there
are no grapes in it.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
Or nuts.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 30.

The audience laughs much harder.


STEWIE (CONT'D)
What's next? Are they gonna put
Hillary Clinton's economic policies
in a box, and call it Strawberry
Seeds?
The audience laughs again.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT


Peter, Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, and Lois are still watching
the show, along with BILL CLINTON, who's laughing hard and
standing next to BORIS YELTSIN.

(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT


STEWIE
And what's with those people who mix
regular Cheerios with Honey Nut
Cheerios? "I'm Brian Griffin, and I
can't handle the Honey Nut
concentration of Honey Nut Cheerios.
So I dilute the Honey Nutness, by
adding regular Cheerios. I'm Brian
Griffin."
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps.
JIMMY FALLON
Brian Griffin can't handle the Honey
Nut-ness!
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
lunch? I mean, you order a hamburger
and French fries--and you get no ham.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
And nothing French.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
Do black people even drink juice?
More laughter.
DubScript for Android - www.dubscript.com 31.

JIMMY FALLON (CONT'D)


(to camera)
Okay. My next guest was the star of
the hit sitcom Seinfeld. Ladies and
gentleman, give it up for Jerry
Seinfeld.
JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out of
him. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps.
JIMMY FALLON (CONT'D)
Wow. You just beat the crap out of
him.
JERRY SEINFELD
Let me just say this, Jimmy. Dinner
is a very important meal, and a very
confusing meal. I mean, how come when
you mix eggs with chicken, the dish
becomes Dutch chicken? What if you're
on a date, you both order Dutch
chicken, and then you split the bill?
Does that mean you're going dutch on
Dutch chicken?
THE END