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Two college football players named Bubba and Jed were taking an exam in English Literature. They must pass this exam in order to fulfill the academic requirement. If they fail, they would be dropped from the college varsity team for the whole season.
The exam was relatively easy as it consisted mainly of fill-in-the-blank type of answers. However, Bubba was stumped by one particular item. The statement read "Complete the nursery phrase ... Ol' MacDonald had a ______." Trying as hard as he could, Bubba could not think of the answer. Seeing the professor was busy reading a book, Bubba took this opportunity to ask his teammate Jed. "Pssst, Jed," whispered Bubba. "What did Ol' MacDonald have?" "Gosh, Bubba, that's easy!" said Jed. Looking to make sure the professor wasn't looking, Jed said, "A farm! Bubba! That's what Ol' MacDonald had. Even babies know that!" "Oh! Right!" nodded Bubba as though it was at the tip of his tongue. But as he proceeded to write down the answer, Bubba stopped to ask Jed again in a low voice. "Hey, Jed! How do you spell farm?" "Jeez, you're so dumb, Bubba!" admonished Jed. "Every one knows farm is spelled 'e-i-e-i-o'." 3) An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" 5) The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!" A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. 6) The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my p*nis stuck in the neck of the bottle A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch 7)
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.
8) A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students; 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. I had a kitty-cat who stuttered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss,Sssss: And before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!' The teacher had to leave the room.
9) A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".
10) Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.
11) As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
12) man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS. Sure is hot down here.
13) A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose," the drunk replied. 14) Pupil : Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they didn't do? Teacher: No, Of course not!! Pupil : Oh good, Because i haven't done my homework!!!
15) A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
16) A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
17) The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing \$1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the \$1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS." 18) A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED"
19) There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was
doing. He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot. "Did you say that?" asked the burgler. "Yes," replied the parrot. "By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot. "That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?" "The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"
20) A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
21) A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother". The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
22) A guy walks into a bar........... He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john. he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'. after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I. 23) 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?" 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
24) One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
25) A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the \$33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"
26) Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" 27) This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." 28) A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!" 29) A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go." "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.
30) ** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. 31) A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad..." "What?" I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." WHAT?" I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... Daaaa-aaaad..." WHAT??!!" When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" 32) There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said... "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?" 33)
Two atoms are walking down the street, one atom turns to the other and says oh no, I ve lost an electron! the other atom replies oh dear, are you sure? the first atom says yes, I m positive! 34) Two fish were sitting in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
35) Two men were backpacking down a forest trail when suddenly a grizzly bear appeared before them
on the path. The two stood there stock-still, staring at the grizzly. Suddenly, one of them sits down, opens his pack, pulls out a pair of running shoes, and starts putting them on. "What the heck are you doing?!" exclaimed his friend. "You can't possibly think you can out-run that grizzly!" "Nope," the man replied, tying his laces up, "I don't. But all I have to do is out-run YOU."
36) A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn. 37) I got so depressed last night thinking about , the BP oil spill, Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. . . . I called the suicide hotline. Got connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck . . . 38) An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to try to correct their foul language. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. At noon the next day, she put a sandwich in a brown bag and went over to the spot where the men were eating. With a big smile on her face, she walked up to the group and asked: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up toward the half-built building and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch." 39) In Iraq, a man desperate for money sold his donkey for the equivalent of $1. Talk
about a cheap ass
40) I don¶t own a big house, but at least I have my legs, ie two man shins. 41) Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either. Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? A: The outside. Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course. Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable. Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs. Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? A: To the retail store. Q: What kind of dog tells time? A: A watch dog. 42) Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted. 43) A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!" At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
44) There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!! .......... " LESSON IV: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN" 45) Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The Moral of the Story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. 46) A Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know bas 47) A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. 48) The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
49) A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!" 50) Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!" 51) 1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun! 52) A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The guy asks the doctor, ''What do you think is wrong with me?'' The doctor replied, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' 53) One night, Pepito walked into his parents' room and found them both naked and his mom was on top of his dad in the "backwards cowboy" position. Pepito asked, "Mom, what are you doing to dad?" And she said, "Well, you see... your dad has a big belly so I'm tucking it in by sitting on it many times", and Pepito says, "But mom, it's no use because when you're not here, the baby sitter comes, gets on her knees and inflates it back up".
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