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Khairulorama’s selected experimental articles
Sekiranya ibu bertanya siapa teman mu nanti? Apa kamu akan jawab ? Si fulan dan si fulan? Si dia sahaja? Pasti kamu bertanya semula kepada diri. Siapa aku untuk dia? Nah, lihat lah diri mu dahulu.
Melihat diri itu seperti mengenal siapa dan apa. Siapa aku, dimana aku berada, adakah aku sedia. Melihat diri itu mengenal kelemahan diri, kekuatan hati dan keimanan ke atas Tuhan mu ? " Excerpt from my coming up novel - Melihat diri "
“ Painfully difficult to read, even smart guys couldn’t get it “– Khairul on Khairul
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The expecting father of little Khairul Jr. The types of eyes discharge Listening to the sound of ‘that’ song of Kancil and Kompressor What makes you happy? How do you know it is real?
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1. Just Finished 1 year of housemenship 2. What does it take to become a doctor ? 3. How much does a doctor really make ? 4. Psychiatric diseases of houseman? 5. How the global recession affect my housemanship life ? 6. Housemanship life in Hosp Serdang 7. Finally a doctor attempted suicide ? 8. of crying medical students 9. The perils of being a doctor? 10. OnG Postings 11. Are you out of your mind?
Penulisan 1. Blogging sebagai methodology dakwah 2. of Modernity, minimalistic and Islamic 3. Tips menghilangkan jerawat 4. What does it to become a leader 5. I love Ungku Aziz 6. Of penjajahan pemikiran 6. Kuasa sebuah penulisan 7. Berapa banyak anda menulis dan membca dalam satu hari?
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Family 1. The expecting father I browsed the facebook pages just to see updates of my friends. To my surprise, instead of seeing their pictures, I was only seeing their offspring pictures. All of my friends were having babies, or in the process of getting a baby. All I see was pictures of newborns. Well, not all the babies that I see, are of the looks of their parents. God knows, only this much of gene, goes to their babies’ genetic pool. And as for me, Nadiah is pregnant at 32 weeks. Anxious to choose the rompers’ colours ( we dont know the sex of the baby yet) , we bought all neutral and unisexual colours – green or brown. Hehe. We have planned to buy the baby cot this weekend. Most probably, a wooden classical victorian style cot – or- the portable and foldable not to mention affordable baby cot. I have not yet made up my mind. But time flies too fast. I did not realized that I have already become an M.O for almost 3 months. I have come to my senses that I need to spend time more with my family. I should avoid any extra working hours. I should not compromise family in pursuing my medical carrier. It’s not like we are not earning enough for any food pr jeopardizing our survivability. Just to be chilled this one year and learn to appreciate more of life good times. And, these are good times after all. And as for Nadiah, she had been working very hard at the Klinik Desa Permatang Badak. Juggling mediocrity of house hold chores which are of nuisance- but of great importance to me, she comes home occasionally late and exhausted. Trying to learn more specialties desert,- kari, kukus, masak gulai, bologna, and latest featlontong yang amat sedap, she had struggled converting and mixing with the unknown flavors suiting to the taste of critically trained tongue of mine. But I am way greatful that, she cooks for me. Life in Kuantan, has its own pace. Slow. But our baby is growing fast. Only to realize the fetal kick chart is not enough to be charted. To know that she or he had grown to 1.7kg really delights me. Expecting to learn more about me and Nadiah through the eyes of our unborn child. I am learning more of life and love from our expecting child. Hoping that everything goes well then. Wish us luck. P/s we have already named the baby. Baby X?
2. Of little Khairul Jr. Someday, I gonna have a little Khairul jr. Weird? Nah. I like children. Nowdays only. I used to hate children. They are, small, and irresponsible. Like Golum. Yeah, children are like Golum. The one in the, Lord of the Ring. They,are small and not-listening-to-whatever-you-have-to-say and then, get-into-troubles.True enough, people like me, will try to solve the troubles they are are having. But then, theyget-into-trouble-again. Well, I used to hate children. But, turn of events, I liked children. I was posted to the Paediatric ward. Before that. I was in Obs and Gynae. See!, I saw the progression of child. The growth of the human baby. The maturity of the greatest assets anyone could have. The one, I will have someday, a Junior Khairul. Freaky hey! To me, children are the best people in the world. They are weak, and innocent. They are, small and dependant, and they are in need of protection and security. They need to have really good parents to grow strong and mature. The problem is that, I dont ever know when will I grow up. I want a child so that, I can play with him. Duh? I want a child so I can go out and play-run and catch or run-andrun or hide-and-run or what ever that is running. ? I want a child so that, I can teach him to ride a bicycle and then when he falls of I would smile and say try-again. I want a child so that at night I can say good night to him, and say see you tomorrow. Everything that revolves around me, is a child life. I want my sons or daughters to have it. Therefore, I have to work hard. No, I should work hard. But you see, the problem is that, working hard requires commitment to work. And, this jeopardizes or you have to haggle bits and stuffs. I dont want to get back home and see my child had gone to bed without saying good night abah. I dont want to see me working as a doctor fuh-yoo, and see my child is failing in exams and getting big C's for maths. It defeats the hold purpose of commitment to a job. But, its hard to see your child failing. Its hard. How I know this? I dont know how. All. I know that, when you put your trust to your child he would grow and take it.
Well , one thing for sure I want to have Khairul jr. See him smiling, crying and awakened me form my deepest precious sleep so that I make his milk at 3 am, bringing him to the doctor so that he could get an mc and doesn't have to go to school, and see him succeed so that I could die in peace. May be that is why people sacrifice. Because of the child and partly due to relations. Things are going good for me; I have a good education, a life, a noble work, and a contract of working for another 10 years. So probably, Khairul jr. is good then. Yeah, Khairul Jr. P/s: I dont know what to name him after, Khairul jr. would be good for now.
3. The types of eye discharge I was intrigued, when I read this post from, Jenis-jenis air mata in her blog. The types of eyes’ discharge or crying. And I was wondering about these, Kata Ibnu Qayyim – 10 Jenis Tangis So I took the time to describe the same piece in me 1. Menangis kerana kasih sayang & kelembutan hati. You feel sad when you see, another failure to thrive child in the ward and got beaten, emotionally deprived by their parents. You feel extremely sad, by the infamous notorious child abuse, and leaving babies in dustbins, longkang, and mosque. That sadness when seeing that young boy selling ‘kuih’ with her mother, seeing them happily smiling. 2. Menangis kerana rasa takut. You feel that, extreme inadequacy when confronting your God. Remembering that song, “Wahai Tuhan ku tak layak ke syurga mu, namun pula aku takut ke syurga mu”- capture that ironic feeling of afraid and wanting to be there. That, nothingness you are after reading Hawking’s a brief history of time. You are really nothing compare to the universe that Allah created. How little you are. Insignificant being. Wondering whether your taubat is accepted. Feeling of afraid, after not being able to responsibly, or irresponsible of; forgetting to ask that fundamental question to establish that must-exclude-diagnosis, and performing inadequate physical examination, and ordering reckless investigations just to siapkanlah attitude. Crying after the exam, wondering whether you’ll pass or not, or feeling unable to answer that kacang question. That super duper ‘alamak’. 3. Menangis kerana cinta. Crying whether that ‘one’ person will be there for you, and still be there. Wondering whether that ‘one’ person will wait or not. Having to cry with that bliss feeling, when that one person saying yes to you finally. Wondering whether you will get to see your parents again before leaving to your study place.
4. Menangis kerana gembira. That endorphic feeling of achievements and sweet success after that long grueling postings’ ordeal. Feeling that success. Feeling that you have help enough. Listening to Make a memory by Bon Jovi, after talking with your friends about things you have done at your high school. Having to cry and laugh seeing your life retrospectively. Herm and huhu. 5 .Menangis kerana menghadapi penderitaan. That before-exam-dilemma after listening Hero by Mariah Carey, make you feel strong but still crying. 6 . Menangis kerana terlalu sedih. That sadness engulfing your existence eating you up bit by bit, making you feel ‘lost’ again and again. That, lost in faith, having no hope, and eternal gloom you’ll seeing when you wake up the next day tomorrow. That, detached from friends and wanting to be alone but still, anger and sadness in one moment in time. That, guilt and tiredness of living. 7 .Menangis kerana terasa hina dan lemah.Never or not yet. 8 .Menangis untuk mendapat belas kasihan orang. Never 9. Menangis kerana mengikut-ikut orang menangis. Out of context 10. Menangis orang munafik – pura-pura menangis. I wonder whether those I have bold were truly the crying hear. It cynical, isn’t. Crying comes from the heart. Yes it does. But why do we cry? Why? “..dan bahawasanya Dia lah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis.” (An Najm : 43) Enough said.
4. Listening to the sound of ‘that’ song I’m not an avid listener of nasyid, because sometimes I just feel that, the people who sings them are just a total hypocrite. I may be wrong but, at least there are possibilities that I’m right. Look at what happened to people like Brothers, and groups like your high school nasyid group. There a lot more truth in songs that other people sings. To me, songs shouldn’t be something yang ‘melaghakan’. Songs should be of humanity, of universal truth, of spirits and motivations. Songs should be inspiring, and crossing that stereotyped border. Song should not be of propaganda and of materilistic, hedonistic and ‘worldly’ values. Songs should have a ‘heart’ and that universality of thoughts. Songs should be of dignified and truth. Of course, songs are expression of thought, ‘kecewa dan tak mungkinkan menyatu’, songs of having no hopes, ‘tiada lagi aku impikan’ and ‘takkan lagi ku bersama mu’. But this are values of loving and embracing difficulties. These are expressiong of failure and loss. Again, I must emphasize I may be wrong. ‘Biarkan sahaja sampai disini’ And on the other hand, songs of ideas and yes, knowledge. Small time inspirational writers of Andalusia, and the stories of Burung hud hud. From the classical teachings of Pachelbel, Habenera. That facial expression of, opera singer singing literally their hears out. Time to say goodbye and the Pavoritti – likes of musics. But one thing remains of immediate important. Songs are just words. The immaculate truth is not the absolute truth. You get what I mean. I did it my way.
5. Of Kancil and Kompressor Do you think, a car makes a man? Yes, I think a car makes a man. Infact, a car defines the man. Just like what he wears and what he eats. It describes the very nature of a man. It defines the limitations and boundaries of a man. Don't you think so?? I was in the traffic jam last night. It was from Gombak up to my house. Like a 25km crawling on knees. How sick is that? So as I was, crawling the traffic jam, I spotted a glitzy gold colored volvo s40 and another one of those BMW 3 series. I was, subconciuosly, saying to myself, I'll be buying one of those one day or another. Like you know what 50 cents said " Get rich or die tryin'" Both cars were also crawling in that super crowded MRR2. I was listening, what a song, bad day or something and I was tired. Indefinitely, my little mind said to me, "Alah, kete dua-dua itu pun stuck in the jam". Yeah with style. Their cars perfected their styles and attitude. Both of the cars. You see, I was thinking, why would some rich dude by some RM400,000 just to drive it in the middle of MRR2 with traffics and lorries cramping the shit of it. Why would he do that? So, again I answered. The definition of a man is with his car. It reflects perfectionism. Perfectionism is a state of being. Being outmost perfectly fitted with perfectness. These are the peoples who were very determined to show-offs their perfections. Their styles and status, and their presence. I was sitting in that Green Little Kancil. Sometimes it is so true that what you have defines you. But on the other hand, if you have nothing then you got nothing to lose. Right!. You have nothing to lose if really you are dead broke. No money, no children, no family and nothing. It saves you from the idealistic mind set of materiliasme. Perfectionism is not materialism. Although it inclusively define material gains and absolute indicator for perfectionisms. I would rather say, perfectionism is an attitude of normality. Normal people work hard. Do you realised that? Normal people understand what is working hard and taking the shits. Normal people are just ordinary people who are trying hard at making the most out of it. Yeah, that is my life. A little bit of ikan bilis on the that, super whopping USD 300.00/per head meal.
of mere Kancil and the grandious Kompressor. Well, sometimes everything you have never defines you. 6. What makes you happy? I’ve been asking this question to people lately. What makes you happy? To me its a rather difficult question because it demands the truth out of you. Even lying to this question, you will not be happy. The quest of happiness is a truthful one. Honest, sincere, truthful, overjoyed, enlightened all lead to the same final destination of being happy. To me, being happy keeps you alive, and not dead. When you are depressed or feeling lonely, the only thing that can help you is this quest for happiness. It took me 3-4 years to think what makes me happy. So during this search of what makes me happy, I ask people and studied various books of living the life. You see, this question is an important one. (FYI, 61% of doctors in the whole world are very unhappy, BMJ) and in Malaysia, about 30% are happy and the rest are either, unhappy of neither. Becoming a doctor, I was trying to understand this basic question. What makes people happy? I’ve found that people are happy, when they are with their family and friends, when they are helping people just to smile for one second of the miserable little life, and when people hang out at places the presumed where happiness resides., and people are happy when they are feelinfg free of outstanding commitments and they are happy, when they know that everything is going to be alright. People are happy, when they lose weights, when the see the person they loved, when they hear their children got A’s is exams, when they know that they can pay for any accident happen, when their cars and computers are alrite and when they can go to the loo without having any one to help them, when the know that their cancers have been succesfully surgically removed. People are happy, when they see a smiling malay doctor, when the got on to the lift and when, the hear the Azan maghrib, and so much more.. People are happy and at the same time are unhappy. So, I’ve concluded that happiness is a two way mechanism. Firstly, it must have the person (internal factors) and secondly, it must have the external factors. Internal factors are important so that people keep on going, and hoping for things to become better with a sound proof plan and security, and externally, people want things to go on they way the have planned, and demand for things to happen the way they wanted it to be. Herm. Interesting fact is that, not everything in our humble little life is planned by us, but somehow or rather we want things to be the way it should or must be.
So still, the question of what makes you happy is important so that both of these factor remained in a stable, desirable, understandable, secure balance. If one of these factors is not satisfied, therefore, people will not accept of its hapiness. What makes me happy? My happiness is when I have reached my goals or targets. Simple enough not to make me depressed and achieveble. But on a highr ground, let say my happiness is to have a succesful life (still within the context of acheving my targets), and somehow or rather I did not managed to achieve it, therefore I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Then, I checked with Syed Jaafar, (a friend I trust with Hadiths), so I have yet to understand that I lived in these happiness for a long time that I somehow did not managed to realised upon its existence. Remember these, Lima perkara sebelum lima, 1. Sihat sebelum sakit 2. Senang sebelum susah 3. Kaya sebelum miskin 4. Muda sebelum tua 5. Hidup sebelum mati I am all these, I am healthy, senang, ada duit, young and alive. Therefore I am happy. However, after thinking, I see that, I’ll become all that. Happy is a timeline. Happy is a perception upon a pre-planned timeline. People dont see this. Hapiness is a perfect synchronised mechanism to further human existence. Happiness is a delicate balance of what you have now and what you will lost later. Happiness is working hard and acheieved what you have plan. and right now, I am happy because I have achieved everything. 30:15 Then those who have believed and worked righteous deeds, shall be made happy in a Mead of Delight.
Then what makes you happy?
7. How do you know its real? How do you know it’s real? It is a question of understanding and cognitive evalution. How do you percept the stimulus under certain conditions and limited knowledge. How do you know the people over the telephone line is someone you know. The answer is; You’ll just never know. Why? Because you and I are humanly creatures. We do not posses the understanding of someone else. We do not have the same dreams. We understand things differently. We see differently. We fear. To understand this, how do you know it’s real? question. There’s three possibilities of the outcome. 1. 2. 3. You try and error You just go away. You predict!
The first two are for people who are obviously paranoid of stimuli. I’ll use the third method. Prediction is the power that human have. You’re frontal, parietal and temporal lobe are powerful to predict the future of the outcome. Therefore, this is the definitive tool for you to understand how do you know it’s real? Infact, this is the only method that scientifics studies are based upon. But, there’s a catch to it. You can only predict when you have understand it. How to understand something that you are not aware of? That’s a different question. You’ll have to read and think deeply. That is when you the answer to the question how do you know it’s real?
Work 1. Just finished 1 year of housemanship “Can u imagine, two years of housemanship ? ” thats was my initial remark to Abah. ” It’s all part of the training ! ” Abah calmly replied ” It’s more of a “kuli job” than training!” I blatantly answered. ” I”ll be wasting my live , taking bloods , seeing “clients” , and running for this and that !“ ” The system should be changed! – Doctors are trained to think therefore — teach them how to think! Doctors are trained to react in the most critical minutes — then teach them how to? “ “Not some mindless, craving need to know blood investigations” – It been one year of housemen ship already .
2. What does it take to become a doctor? 1. Hardwork 2. Hardwork 3. Hardwork 4. More hardwork..
3. How much does a doctor really make? I never really put into effort of getting the numbers right. The fact that, I became a doctor was a genuine one. I was actually realizing the dreams of my mother. I lead a simple fact of life. Study hard, and study hard. I was comparing the earnings of nurses and doctors in Malaysia. Nurses earn more than doctors do. And that’s a fact .I had to find some resources in comparing the earnings of a doctor in Malaysia and other places around the world. I am still grateful for the 1Malaysia government doctor’s earning scheme though. Generally, a normal doctor would earn roughly about – RM 40K per year ~ + perks here and there another RM 6 K and oncalls about – peanuts RM 6 K – so totalling to RM 52 K . These numbers are way far from the U.S/ U.K or our down way neighbour Singapore. But let us break it into hours RM 100 for 24 hours ~ RM 4.00/ hr – Oncalls- see peanuts again. ** In terms of studying, I’ll break it down. In total it takes about 10 years to become a doctor. 1. Form 3 -5 – which include two major public exams – PMR and SPM 2. Matriculation or STPM – one Major exam 3. First till Fifth Year – in total is about – 2 major exams – with numerous continuous assessments~ RM 60 000 – monthly about RM 1 K. I still don’t have the exact number of the money – my parents spent on my studying. *** Therefore, I think there is a need for the government to study or make some changes / revised on the earning of doctors and healthcare professionals. Roughly per hours doctors are making Monday – 8 am to 5pm ~ 10 -12 hours per day Tuesday – 8 am t0 8am ~ 24 hours Wednesday – 8am to 5 pm ~ 10-12 hours per day Thursday – 8 am to 5 pm ~ 10-12 hours per day Friday – 8am to 8am~ 24 hours Saturday – 8am to 2 pm ~ 6 hours Sunday – 8am to 2pm ~ 6 hours * these only accounts if I am having 2 -3 oncalls per weeks
= 90-95 hours per week ~ crazy .. coming to 100 hours per week per months would be about = 350 – 400 hours per month ~ RM 10-11/ hr.. hehe Normal doctors should earn at least RM 8000 – RM 9000 per months, or make it RM 20/hr. Our working hours a way long, and away from family. For example, on oncalls – 24 + 8 hours more – usually I come back from post call at 6.00 pm – The post call off is a LIE . The significance of this, is that, literally doctors serves a consultant in regards to the healthcare of personal health. Their presence would mean , reduction in the burden of disease or so. We help the nation to become healthy. But on the hand, doctors are just way dumb. Working their a** for people; earning -less and full of responsibility .. hehe funny world. life is unfair like always.. never get your cut. * on the other hand , normal medical resident in U.S works about 80 hours per week– earning way more than we do. I quote Stand up! http://standup.blogspirit.com/ So, the next time a doctor saves a life, intubates a premature baby, repairs an open fracture, conducts CPR and revive a dead, runs like a headless chicken for group and crossmatch blood, cries with a relative when a patient dies, protects an assault patient from gang rivals, delivers a baby of a complicated pregnancy, gets stuck in op theatre for 8 hours for a kidney transplant, or even muster a SMILE to a patient after working 35 hours non stop…. WRITE THAT IN THE F*CKING PAPERS!!
4. Psychiatric disease of housemen I have always wanted to write about housemanship training in Malaysia. You see, housemanship is a tough time for most of the doctors. It is the pinnacle of medical students’ training in Malaysia. You have to go through postings and the inevitable of changing to new environments, new settings, new consultants, specialists alike. In the end, you will be all- stressed out. But you see, it is not only stressing these poor housemen. It is more than that. The way I see it, you will have to see, exactly what is happening to yourselves. Some of the “Psychiatric Diseases of Housemen” that I would to like highlight: 1. Depression - inevitably, the whole ” houseman community ” suffering this never ending disease. You will be depressed because of the high expectations from your senior collegues. Apart from that, it will of course, exaggerated by the scrutinies that your specialist just awaiting to do. You will be depressed to see, yourself so messed up- that on some days – you just which that you were not a doctor anymore. 2. Anxiety - this vicious cycle of anxiety- depression is continuous. I personally feel anxious when there is this grand ward round. Its like tip toing. Trying to be as tight as possible, not to missed out significant histories , physicals and results investigations. It is like caffeine overload. Most of the time, you’ll get depressed after those tourtoring anxiety ordeals. 3. Aggresiveness - sometimes you ‘ ll get aggresive with patients, when you have actually lost your soul. Abusive. 4. Sleep disorder - most of the time – caffeine! It is like the juice of life. It makes the work and hell easier. In one study done National academy of science- medical residents works as long as 80 hours over 4 weeks in the US. In Malaysia, the way i see it at least 24 hours plus the regular 8 to 5 job . 5. Low self esteem - Being the lowest of of the medical fraternity – sometimes you just feel useless. We take a lot of effort in taking care of cases – but most of the lousy job in hospital are done by houseman will do- in the name of training. Apart from that, most of the time the houseman get bullied by those seniors. Have you ever been called a donkey! monkey! or stupid! ?
6. Relationship dynamics - most of the time, you’ll be in the hospital. You’ ll be losing contact even with your beloved parents. Specialist keep on giving the ideas that patient are more important that your own family members – because they are saving their own butts. So how to cope with all these problems? I’ll be posting these later. -The Hippocratic Oath, “To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art.”
5. How the global recession affects my housemanship life? You see, when I was a student studying, I did not understand the impact of recession to my personal life. I was on a scholarship + my parents gave me some spending money.. Now, already working in the the government sector, being a doctor in hospital, I realized that the recession really affect the whole hospital comunity. I was thinking the solutions for a hospital to save money 1. Patient care - usage of consumable such as, gauze, cottons, and bandages should be optimized - certain unnecessary investigation should not be done - better understanding of patient therefore, pt care is more on clinical and experience instead of the aloud spoken “Evidence- based medicine” . Not everything evidencebased should be apply in local settings - taking more history of patients therefore provide reliable directions towards investigations - using more of generic drugs, but optimization to a better dose, not solely depending on imported drugs - using resources effectively, oxygens, electricity, water and air- conditioned 2. Doctors - should transfer cases to available hospital, so that local resources are not over used and compromise other patients - admitting only necessary cases, based on clinical + reliable investigation - using equipment such as X ray/ U/S more effective e.g not making unnecessery investigations and minimal - make patient pay for their blood investigations - effective planning with a good back up plan .. may be that’s all for now.. Good luck everyone
6. Housemanship in Hosp Serdang.. Its a bout time for me to tell about the little life in Hosp Serdang. I’ve done my OnG rotation, its tough but hey! I am still here. Now I’m doing my paediatrics. Nadiah was in Paeds, now in Ortho. Being married, living outside the hosp, I guessed its a tough life. Have to wake up as early as 5.00 am everyday, so that I’ll be on time; sometimes could not even finish my own rounds. Having to take care the ‘acute’ patients. The night before admission. But for me, its a little more than that, parents are in Hajj, married with Nadiah, taking care of my brothers and sister, doing oncalls, seeing patients. Its a tough life. I’ll know one day, i ‘ll be looking back to my little snapshots of life, and be laughing and joking with Nadiah when life gets better. I can tell my kids how their mother had to do, one and a half months tagging call. She was so tired.. and, for me the sleepless night, awaiting babies to come out, in the end had made me laugh long way to go from here. still long way to go. p/s i’m on leave today!
7. Finally a doctor attempted suicide I was waiting for a news like this since I was in 3rd year. A doctor attempted suicide. Why? Here’s why? The link. Doktor cuba terjun tingkat lima – BH, 11 Mac 2008 1.The workload is too demanding. 36 hours non stop. 2.You dont have enough “housemen- friends” and you only have crappy friends. 3. You have crappy specialist. 4. You dont have time to sort your own problems. 5. You cannot ventilate your feelings cause, again you have crappy friends. 6. Again, crappy specialist. 7. You cannot think because you are being bullied, this and that. Seniors and juniors. 8. You get tired and depressed and then you try to kill your self. 9. And, when you try to kill yourself, you cant, because you remember that your dad and mum sent you to medical school so that you can help people. 10. And, the vicious cycle of feeling depressed and failed suicide continue. Until one day, you want to let all the things that you have go away, or ending up in psychiatric clinic. 11. Or you take a break, and just laugh about it. Go to Hell all the people that hated me. (or write it; sublimation) That’s what I do. Mature defense mechanism. In a hospital, you can see lots and lots of characters, neurotic specialist, god father- like consultants, robotic housemens, nice and loving sisters, PMS nurses, good buddy like MAs, and so on. It is just who you are hanging with that makes the difference. Easy to say, I am not a H.O yet.
8. of crying medical students Medical students are tough, reliable and robust. They are trained to become housemen and later on M.Os. They are bombarded with so many things to read, memorize, digest, understand, and, of course they are tested time and time again. They learn to talk, to walk and sleep like doctors. They think like physicians and surgeons alike. But to my deepest conscious, medical students break down along the way. Medical students cry. They tell their stories. They got hammered by lecturers, and even blasted them as if medical students are just drags. Medical students sometimes could not cope with the pressure and tense feeling. That irritable and jumpy feeling. That jumping off the bridge feeling. Sigh! They are often corrected by their lecturers. With good intentions, that they wont make mistakes again. But medical students are just people. We are just people. Nothing more. Medical students are just people and is not the point. 41 days to end my medical student years.
9. Of OnG Postings I remembered that, last year, around the month of Ramadan, I was so depressed and fed up with my studies in general especially OnG. Not that, I dont like OnG, is just that, I was probably having some sort of maladaptive disorder, and then developed into a depression. Life was terribly hard. It’s like having no hope at all. No hope at all. You dont really want to get up in the morning, and go the ward rounds because, you know, the moment you entered the wards, its hell. Its like waiting to gobble you up and then spit you around.. You know that, you have to wait for like 4 hours just to get, to deliver babies, and somehow or rather luck was never on you side. And, even worst, when you had just finished drafting that presentation, the lecturer whom, after had been torchering you, not wanting to put down their signature onto that yellow-colored log book after that grueling 1 hour super-headache presentation. Life was hard then. I hated life. But soon, after the exam, I realized that, I’ll be in the hell-hole, again. Of course during my fifth year and my houseman years. So I thought, Why not enjoy the pain then? Cool off with making really stupid practical jokes, and then, crying in the middle of the night having God by your side. I’ve been shaken with blood, sweat and tears, (not to mention, fecal matters) but still I am a Believer. Seeing Hell in ortho! But then, who the hell cares!
10. Are you out of your mind? You mindless drone! I ve been thinking lately that, may be I am out of my mind. I dont want to study, I dont want to do things, and I dont feel like myself. I reassured myself that, I used to be the best of guys, I play stuff at schools, I went to the national this and that, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. I got such a powerful profile, but I am here stuck in a contract, working for the people so that I can live on with everybit of my dignity. Sometimes what you really want isn’t the right thing for you after all. I kept on thinking, that why did I put that, Medicine in the UPU form. I put it in the second choice. The first choice was, Biomedical Engineering, I wanted at first to go into such high-tech medicine, tissue engineering, hybrid technologies, implants and devices, but I ended up doing medicine. I wanted to study in Universiti Malaya, and that is how I ended up doing Rehabilitation Medicine in UMMC. I wanted to be the very best of everything, and I will sacrifice the last bit of myself into achieving it. The feeling of getting the UM Matric Card makes me feel proud that, I was there. UM ranked the first in Malaysia, and I wanted to be the best. And now at the end of my MBBS, about 32 days I think, I have this guilt feeling of losing interest in the people. I love Internal Medicine, but Obstetric, I darned this subject very much. My foundations are not that strong, and my personality does not fit into this women-laden subject. Again, I wish I had that joy of seeing, the day the letter from UPU came; “Permohonan anda telah diterima. Anda ditawarkan ke Kulliyyah of Medicine, untuk MBBS” Now, its empty. I got several scholarships in my hand simulatenously, that time. I got the Petronas, TNB, MMU and several others scholarships. I was offered to study in the American Top Universities Programs, 10 most prestigious colleges. I was aiming at MIT, and Harvard. The offer latter is still with me. I was supposedly off to the States in about 2 weeks time. Computer Engineering was always number one, I wanted to built articificial languages, hybrid intelligence, and formulate new mathematical languages, I wanted to be an inventor.
Why I like people call me WEB! because of that dream, that computer engineering dream. I wanted to get PhD as soon as possible, just like my dad. I was a dreamer then. I want to lead the trend. I was dreaming to work in KLCC with Petronas paying me bigtime. Being a nice boss, having nice shoes, nice jackets, nice cars, and a nice 5-figure income. Rayban sunglasses, RM1000 cufflinks, and RM 600 pair of shoes. But looking back my life here in Medicine, I only got one distinction, Psychiatry, when no friends understood it. I didnt get for Internal medicine. I ougta have it. And, I have nothing. And now, in OnG, I got this two line comment in my first case write up, it reads something like this; “When you were writing this piece of junk were you in the sound state of mind?” Thats me, that subconcious unease of thoughts reflected in my case write up. I did not know I am feeling way down, that my writing gives out the impression that I am just another stupid mindless drone. What really happened? I am still figuring it out. But what do I have to do now? I kept on saying to friends that, I want to live my dream. They laughed at me. “hehe” maniac. Ok, we will look and see in 40 years time. One day I want to tell the people, go to hell with OnG. I wanted to live off my dreams
9. The Perils of being a doctor Well, I’m very much looking forward to graduate from med school this year. For the last, 2 years of the clinical years I’ve gotten into troubles, got scolded, and most of the time feeling low. The stressors, the teachers and lecturers, and the reading perg! no wonder Joanne told me long time ago, when I was in Matrics, why become a doctor? And yet, I am going to servem y housemen years, working in Government hospital for another 10 years. Another 10 years of contract. I wonder whether I’ll survive those long working hours. But then, hey I had chosen this kind of life! Working in those, hot and humid whether of Malaysia. I never knew that I’ll be become, literally a slave, following orders and listening to consultants craps. No wonder most people keep on quiting working in the government. The salary nowadays, are much better. Basics, elaun, critical s, and oncalls. I dont really mind staying long hours in wards, if patients are nice and the consultants are very much understanding. I hate that feeling when consultants, consultoids alike, specialist, start to irritate! The will burn your life away! Low-life, no respect, not dignified, and untrusted doctors! yeah and unpolished! Well, I hate to say this, life isn’t a box of chocolate.
Penulisan 1. Blogging sebagai metodologi Dakwah The way I see, the internet is like a marketing tool. Therefore, a marketing tool must have its audience, a specific targetted audience. But to control the internet content, is impossible, and the main thing, one should aim for is that point of controlling the content which later will shape the future of the world. 80% of the internet is related to entertainment, and the rest are for education, personal connectivity and, journals, and educations. Google and Yahoo, play that part of controlling the information over the internet. Higher traffic gets lotsa visit. Why do people used the internet? Lotsa reason. Then, the way i see it, used it as a Landasan for Dakwah. Send millions of dakwah tapes on YouTube and GoogleVideo. Fill up the spaces on Blogspot, Xanga, WordPress, Typepad and what ever blog you are using with “islamic idea”. Its pity to see, people are denouncing of the existence of a God. Therefore, used this powerful internet to send your Dakwah message. That, eternal message of La illah ha iLlah. Send to people message of La Tushrik bi Llah. Protect your islamic worldview with ideas and readings. Don’t just use it for friendster, you tube and reading your groups and network emails. Create PDF files for your local usrah groups. Let them see, that you are doing something for the Ummah! To live and see, the ummah to have its own pride and greatness, takes another 200 years I guess, and let this be your first year! Dont let your child live in the Atheist world. To control the world you must take control of yourself- Anonymous. P/s: Engkau Tuhan yang Satu- Ramli Sarip. Hidup dan matiku hanyalah untuk mu. Ideas live forever, therefore Read and Write.
2. Of modernity, minimalistic and Islamic You may wondering why in the world would I choose such topics. Modernity, minimalistic and Islamic. You see, the cultural era that we’re living in is in the post-moderity I guess. We re living in the presumptive era of modernity but the lifestyle that we chose is still in the excessive wastage. garbage making, unefficient era. Modernity does not represent this. Modernity represent era of global awakening towards efficiently, disciplined thoughts and errorless time frame. Modernity does not represent fast-food problems, obesity and diabetes, it represent the Management of the these over-the-counter problems. It represent thoughts and ideas that are well catagorized and defined. It gives a symbol of “squareness”. Yes, professinionalism. It had the representation of a wikipedia life. It terms of art it represent a compartmentalised new era for meticulous, and delicate procedure to symbols of lines and squares. Only that, it is not practiced. To me minimalistic is more of a direct approached step by step thoughts. Very clear, clarity, and out spoken unihibited thoughts. Minimalistic is like, a laptop you see. No wires, inbuilt and simply nothing. It does not see, new inventions. It sees, effective, quality and paperless managment. You see, we failed to realised this. Why? Because of the ‘marketing bombings’ from the media. We tend to follow what we see. We like the things that we know. We are inhibited by this mental block? We do not want to open to new ideas and new thoughts. We are dominated by our out of control whims, yes the word I’m looking for is,whims. We sometimes do not see other important things lying infront of us. We do not read and we do think and we do not write. The way I see this has to changed. We must leaerned and be proficient, efficient and motivated, keep up and not dying. Think of it as a new challenged. See it as new ideas and thoughts. Write or enjoyement and our hopes. Tell the world that we will become better. Learned to self control.
and be Islamic.
3. Tips menghilangkan jerawat Malay business will fall apart if investments, in certain areas are not speed ups. For instance in terms of human resources, especially modal insan, i can bet you that the current booming undergraduates are not resourceful with no background networks and supports. All it takes is just one good partner in managing a good business development. Why? 1. The main problem of the Malay business is that golden question “modal” is not yet resolved. That question is not resolved and the risk it carries with it is not predetermined. Unresolved issues. 2. The human resources are not efficient. Quality leadership is lacking in the current workforce. Undergrads are not adaptable, and too reliant. not independent. Issues regarding, time management, financial management and managerial issues are not settled. The mind setting is out of context. ” We work to survive and not to thrive“ Lacking in understanding and the attidunal issues regarding investments and risks. 3. Too dependent. Malay business are too dependant for government projects and grants. 4. Malas. “Not all malays are malas”-Sepet. Technically, all malays are malas. We dont want to learn and relearn new things. We are too complacent with the governance. “Bersyukur” and not working hard. 5. Malays dont want to fail. May be that’s why we dont learn. The social stigma of failing is bad must be changed. Failing is the road to success, dont you think? 6. We dont want to believe in ourselves. We listened to stupid ideas from people and we dont research with our own capabalities and limitations. We dont produce enough. 7. We like to be complacent. Enough said. That’s all for now. In my life time, I wish to change all these. All I can say is we dont want to learn. My regrets to see my people are stepped upon. Having no honour. Why cant the Malay people control the world one day.
May be that’s why I have these “jerawat” now. or maybe I am in the delusional grandiose psychotic state. “Business should be customer-oriented, market driven” 4. What does it take to become a good leader You see, there’s always a formula to do anything. Although, not necessarily the formula can be applied to everything. But it helps a lot when, you’re in trouble, or you get that confused cum blanko feeling or thinking, or both. To become a leader, there criterias to be met. Not only it has to be relevant to the situation, but it has to be, comprehensive and oriented. The current Muslim world is in need of leaders. But a different kind, a different approach and a different line of thought. But still, fundamentals and priciples are maintained upon. The main message fundamental message, is still, the message that every single prophet and rasul had brought. The same message, yet forgotten by the rest of the humanity. 31:13 And, lo, Luqman spoke thus unto his son, admonishing him: “O my dear son! Do not ascribe divine powers to aught beside God: for, behold, such [a false] ascribing of divinity is indeed an awesome wrong!” The message of tauhid. This is the most fundamental message that, the way I see it, people tend to forget. That God Exist. then others will follow. The realization of God takes a lot of effort. Remember these warnings. 31:6 But among men there is many a one that prefers a mere play with words [to divine guidance], so as to lead [those] without knowledge astray from the path of God,and to turn it to ridicule: for such there is shameful suffering in store. I am currently reading, Majalah I, about the Rufaqa Corporation. I understand that, the mechanism of it operates, is like making a new nation. Another nation that, will later engulf the nation. How and Why did they become wrong. Talked to my father about it, it is a wrong of understanding of its people, making them so called deviater. http://rufaqa-sesat.blogspot.com Friends been making jokes on creating another legacy called, Kufara’. Hehe
5. I love Ungku Aziz I have great respect for Ungku Aziz , with his visions of protecting the Malays in the global era. I love the way he thinks, practical and confrontive. I’ve put up the interview which I have been longed searched for. How would Prof. Ungku Aziz react towars the RMK-9. Believe me, I will later on write his profile, of this great statesmen. He mentioned, Produktiviti yang rendah, penindasan dan keadaan yang terabai, these are the factors which lead to fall of the Malays. He talks about the wrongful mindset in the Malay thinking, which clearly can be seen in terms of management and production wise. And this phrase.. Kata orang, semakin keadaan berubah, semakin semuanya kekal begitu juga. Balikbalik begitu juga, dan dari satu segi, kalau difikir-fikirkan kita sebenarnya tidak banyak berubah. Actually, this is so true. With so many advancement, still we have this tendency of not changing and becoming complacent with our beings. and then this, Allahyarham Prof. Nik Abdul Rashid Nik Majid dalam satu analisisnya mengatakan ada tiga jenis kemiskinan. Pertama, kemiskinan semula jadi yang cukup sukar diatasi akibat faktor sumber dan alam. Kedua, kemiskinan yang dikenakan apabila seseorang tidak boleh melakukan sesuatu walaupun berdaya dan mampu. Ketiga, kemiskinan yang dicari iaitu orang yang sedar perbuatannya mendatangkan kemiskinan tetapi dia buat juga. He emphasized, on the next part, kemiskinan yang dikenakan apabila seseorang tidak boleh melakukan sesuatu walupun berdaya dan mampu. Yep, with all the efforts and modalities that the Malays have, still we are the back benchers and, not leading the ways, into the global market. and then this;
Kita tidak boleh lagi segan. Kita mesti tegas dan berani mengatakan bahawa kita orang Melayu, dan kita mahu menakluk dunia. Kenapa harus segan? Yes, this is the spirit in which I like to seed in my mind. We should conquer the world. We should be disciplined enough, to conquer the thinking, mindsetting, and visions of the future. We want to lead the way. We would like control the trend and changes according to Islam abd leading the entire human population. and the last part; Kita mesti melahirkan lebih banyak usahawan yang naik dan jatuh kerana mereka berani mengambil risiko. Taking risk. Yep! Big risk, big gain. To summarize, he gives us this short message. Kalau untung, untung. Kalau rugi, sanggup bangun semula.
8. Of Penjajahan Pemikiran I again did some more research on, how to speak and write good influential masterpieces. You see, the toughest part of relaying information is getting the idea across right. Sometimes or rather, in the effort of giving such information, you’ll end up with giving wrong and deceitful information, and then, people will get confused. Anyway, along the way, I found some good statements, whilst doing some research. It goes something like this, ”Masalah besar ialah hujung jatuh manusia ada pembalasan akhirat. Pembalasan ikut kaedah al-Quran, tak boleh pandai-pandai. Oleh kerana lama sangat di perintah oleh orang putih, maka kita berasa tak apa duduk tolak al-Quran,” Begitulah kata2 Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat kepada utusan bertarikh 6 November 2005(4 Syawal 1426H). Quote:http://mazaya.blogspot.com/ This is very true. The first part, masalah besar ialah hujung jatuh manusia ada pembalasan akhirat. To me this statement, reflects something special about the lives we lived. There’s an end, to it, and to that end, there is another beginning. Herm. A beginning, meaning that, there’s another life out of your limited capabilities. And yet, there’s a sense of security. You see, this statement, had it’s emotional meaning, of regarding, the pembalasan akhirat. It shoes certainty and security. And the next one, oleh kerana lama sangat diperintah oleh orang putih, maka kita berasa tak apa duduk tolak al-Quran. I liked the word diperintah, and the latter part, tak apa duduk tolak al-Quran. It has two meanings. To those who thinks seriously, this is the final end to the statement. A definitive diagnosis of the problem. On the brighter side, it is something like a humor. Nobody would like to deny al-Quran. Those who denied, are absolutely, fallen. So you see, these different lights toward understanding a statement can make people think in a differently manner. Well, these are some random examples.
What if the statements, were something like a fatwa ker, adecision making statement ke, or something yang life changing. And, the way I see it, thats my problem. I can not get things out my head! Right and right. 6. Kuasa sebuah penulisan Fungsi sebuah penulisan Bagi seorang sasterawan, mungkin menulis adalah untuk menyampaikan ayat- ayat bungaannya. Bagi seorang doktor penulisan adalah pemangkin kepada kajiannya. Tetapi penulisan mempunyai skop yang lebih besar. Penulisan mampu menyuntik kefahaman dan ism. Tidak kira apa jua fahaman atau ideologi. Melalu penulisan kefahaman itu kekal dan di bawa dari satu zaman ke satu zaman yang lain. Lihatlah hasil usaha Umar al- Khattab yang telah mengambil inisiatif untuk membukukan firman Allah. Lihatlah betapa hebat kesan daripada usahanya. Apa lagi dalam dunia siber yang amat pantas. Perlulah ada kesedaran dalam pemikiran penulis-penulis untuk menulis dengan lebih banyak bukan satu. Tetapi mungkin juga ribuan artikel dalam masa satu minggu. Saya percaya tidak kira apa jua bahasa, apa jua keadaan penulisan yang berpengaruh dan mempunya isme perlulah ditulis berkali- kali untuk menguatkan pengaruh itu. Tidak perlu untuk saya memberitahu, apakah contoh penulisan yang berupa fahaman atau isme. Terlalu banyak. Penulisan itu adalah satu jihad yang berterusan. Bukan itu sahaja, penulisan memberikan penjanaan idea baru. Idea baru diperlukan untuk pembahuruan pemikiran dan konsep. Penulisan yang hebat mampu menumbangkan penjajahan dan konsep-konsep autonomi. Itulah kuasa penulisan. Bukan itu, sahaja penulisan mampu meluaskan pengaruh sesuatu budaya. Ia akan mengekalkan pengaruh dan meluaskan idea anda. Jadi tulislah dengan nama- Nya. Akhirnya, penulisan yang hebat dapat membunuh. Ia memberi kredentials kepada sesiapa ynag diinginkan. Penulisan yang hebat lebih tajam daripada mata pedang. Bukan omong- omong kosongan. Pada sasterawan melebarkan sayap pengaruh kepada pembaca. Pada budayawan ia menyuntik kecintaan kepada bangsa dan negara. Pada politikus ia memberikan kelebihan nyata daripada mereka yang hanya berjanji palsu. Ya itu lah kehebatan sebuah penulisan.
8. Berapa banyak anda menulis dan membaca dalam satu hari Untuk memaksimum penggunaan masa bagi seseorang, mungkin sepanjang masa hayatnya hanya perlu di manfaatkan dengan membaca dan mengkaji dan menulis. Tidak kiralah kalau yang di kajinya itu, apa sahaja, materilistik, metafizik , kajian agama malah sifat haiwan pun boleh di kaji secara mendalam. Buat masa ini, anda mungkin ada terbaca di ruang sebelah Barat sana, sedang di adakan pertandingan National Novel Writing Month . Satu pertandingan di kalangan penulis untuk menghasilkan novel dalam apa jua sekali genre. Apa sahaja jua yang dibincangkan. Apa sahaja cara ceritera. Malah pada pandangan umum, mungkin usaha itu sia-sia sahaja jika kalah dalam pertandingan tersebut. Tetapi sebaliknya harus difikirkan bahawa, dengan wujudnya lebih banyak karya maka mutu cerita, mutu pembahasaan dan gaya serta watak dapat dicipta dalam bidan fiksyen. Lebih besarlah penciptaan dan peluasan pemikiran bangsa serta bahasa tersebut. Untuk memajukan sebuah bangsa, penulisan dalam bahasa bangsa tersebut mestilah dimanfaatkan. Penggunaan bahasa nasional dalam sebuah bangsa akan meluaskan pemikiran dan pembudayaan sahsiah dalam citarasa dan acuan bangsa tersebut. Maka anda sepatutnya menulis dan menulis, berfikir dan menulis. Mungkin itulah caranya peluasan pengaruh pemikiran akan tersebar? Untuk pengetahuan anda, matlamat NaNoWriMo adalah untuk menghasil 175-200 muka surat aneka cerita yang boleh dihantarkan untuk publikasi setelah dipilih oleh juri. 200 muka surat memerlukan sekurang-kurangnya 50,000 patah perkataan atau lebih. Tidak kiralah, kalau yang anda tulis itu mengarut, contohnya sifat seekor anak katak puru, bermain piano di kala subuh, atau mengkaji kebarangkalian ular lidi itu bertelur, atau budak itu di dalam laci , sebenarnya, peluasan idea ituwujud dalam aturcara dan citarasa bangsa. Maka apalagi, baca dan tulislah. Biar tinggi bahasa kita ini, biar berfikir orang-orang kita, biar kita menghargai lebih idea-idea daripada materialis semata-mata. Kita bukan benda mati , tetapi benda yang sentiasa berfikir.
The awkward silence That subjective feeling of happiness is a great one. Unconditional, unbounded and unrestricted. The feeling of happiness would creep into the sorrowest being. That blissful feeling of knowing you had something special and more than anyone could ever explain or imagine. Feeling secure and not having to afraid to anything or losing, that happiness is a true one.
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