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Your Name (Cont.) Present Date
Warning: Written by a Teenager with no perception of the real world:
One page waste of paper.
Points of Interest: Introduction after finished I guess in the end this is the best way to write an introduction, after everything is done. I doubt that this will ever be completely finished; I will keep adding bits and pieces of stuff into this. For now though this is a nice nail to put in it. I think now that the main reason I wrote this was because I wanted to make sure I was human. I am by the way. The reason this book is for you is so you can have those moments of connection and misunderstanding. We all do the same things sometimes. That's what makes us human. We also do things no on else can possibly comprehend doing or wanting to do. That's what makes us human.
To Quote my favorite movie. “Super man is not brave. You don't understand. He's smart, handsome, and even decent, but he's not brave. Super man is indestructible and you can't be brave if your indestructible. It's people like you, people who are different and can be crushed and know it. Yet they keep going out there every day. It's people like you that are brave.” What I'm trying to say is don't turn these next pages if your superman, because this is not for you. This is for people who want to understand one more human being just a little more than they did before or ever did in the first place. This is my manual. There is no other language to read it in. You need to read this to understand how to put me together, and trust me – there are no extra parts not even one washer.
Sometimes we do things that we think are different. That we think no one has done before. We feel better for doing them but often throw them away, run out of steam or realize that the things we were so proud of has been done thousands of times before. This is mine, and I want to share it instead.
Part One.One.One The cover of this book is yellow. I've found that yellow is probably the best color for books. Most of my favorites are that color so that's all the proof I really need. This book will never be published. Probably passed around to friends and laughed at because some poor and bored person felt like writing. Music is the soundtrack to my life. That doesn't seem to make sense because what else could make up a soundtrack than music? My brain doesn't really seem to work that well these days. Music seems to be able to solve any problem. No matter what mood you're in the radio can find a song suitable. All of this sounded so much better in my head but most things do.
Grammar and spelling are power rangers to my badly designed evil monster costume. To prove my point, I just tried to spell grammar ten times as grammer and didn't know why the damn red line kept showing up. Spell check is my savior. I don't really know what else to write in this I can't decide what to write about. I'm just a tad shy and not sure if I want to go with my original idea. Off topic but sometimes I wonder how black my lungs are. As I think about this now I wonder why anyone would want to read this. Not because I doubt myself and think this is a waste of time, but because you don't know me. If you continue on the next page and then next page and so on you will understand who I am. Or rather what I am not. This is for people who wonder about what makes other people tick. These are my cogs. This is my big key you stick in my back to make me go. This is me. If you would like to understand someone more than you should for never meeting them then please continue.
Points of Interest: The Brain. The Body:
Brains can be extremely complex. For example, the human brain contains roughly 100 billion neurons, each linked to as many as 10,000 other neurons. I think my wiring is way too fucked up to be fixed. I took pills for it once, I went to therapy for it once, I tried to write a journal for it once, I tried to ignore it, once I even tried to get it out of my head. Is that a run on? (Question mark) Sometimes I can't control it no matter how hard I try. Images seem to get burnt into my brain, well not so much images but rather ideas or motions. Of objects and other things I don't wish to mention. If I was in a car as a little kid I would look outside of the car and would imagine someone on a snowmobile or a skateboard. They would be going along with the car going off the hills and cliffs like jumps. After awhile I couldn't look away.
If I closed my eyes it would be in my head. My eyelids became projection screens for my mind. This doesn't seem like much but this would go on for weeks. I wouldn't hear people talk to me, I wouldn't really know where I was. I was scared. I had to try and think of something else to get it out of my head. It seems like it would be easy enough I mean it is my imagination. A bad electrician snuck into my head one night to try and fix it. He was lazy and fucked up the wires. Tried to reboot it and broke the off switch. No worries my check bounced anyway I was fourteen. I went to see the electrician every once and a while after that but he never could seem to get all the blues wires with the blue, green with the green, yellow with the yellow, macaroni and cheese with the macaroni and cheese. (It's a color.) The electrician wasn't bad at his job he just seemed to think I messed up the wires on purpose. I don't go there anymore.
As I got older my mind did more weird things. I'd sometimes try to see if I could count in my head while saying the alphabet and reciting our elementary school song. Then while I was doing all of that I would begin to ask myself inside my head if I was crazy for doing this, and another voice would wonder if I was crazy for asking if I was crazy, and another voice would start to get mad because it couldn't hear the other ones saying the alphabet and counting and singing. Then the others would get mad at him and that would wake up more. I used to hide in the bathroom a lot just until I could hear again. The voices went away but most of the time I couldn't hear over my heart after they left. Something that always seemed to help me was looking at the tiles in the bathroom. I could sometimes find faces or patterns in the tiles. Sometimes it was just enough to calm my mind down so it would stop arguing with itself and just look at the designs. Needless to say I was a big bathroom fan.
As I grew older my mind took on a different take on life. I learned about life and death. It was always in my life. I had dogs and cats that had to be put down but never someone, a person, a human something in my life. Once that finally happened I began to think about what life would be like without other people in my life. I would imagine their funerals and what I might say if I had to talk at their wake. How I would feel, if I'd cry. I would never cry though and that made me feel even worse. I always had the perfect and most beautiful words to express what they meant to me. Would that scare you? It scared me so much I wasn't sure what to do. It would pop into my head and without me controlling it I would think of it. I've never told anyone that I guess it's easier because I don't have to see your face while you read this.
I wanted to write a paragraph here about how I found a cure and I was going to say it's music. That's not really true and I'm trying to stay as truthful as possible in this. Music helps and so do friends, but it's never gone away. I'm actually doing it right now. It's not so much self doubt about why I'm writing this but more of the fact that I don't know where this is going. I'm having a conversation in my head with the friend I'll give this to so they can read it and tell me if it's any good. It isn't just a slight conversation. I take on that persons personality and my inner self will become them. I'm having a fight with myself about how stupid this damn thing is and how I just make up problems for myself. I've been told that most of my life. It's just me and I make it up. I hope not because that just makes me crazier than I actually am.
It's gotten worse enough that I'd close my eyes sometimes and think about the snowmobile or skateboard again just to think about that for a week so I can stop fighting with myself. Someday it will go away. That's what the bottle the pills came in said, and that's what the electrician said. The pills ran out though. The electrician never had enough time or wire to fix it. The one time I tried to fix it made me have to go to a different electrician about a totally different circuit. Until then I always have my backup plan: Pretending to smile and be goofy. That doesn't help but it is what I'm good at.
//The Heart. The average human heart beating at 72 BPM, will beat approximately 2.5 billion times during a lifetime spanning 66 years. Have you ever seen a human heart? Well not in real life but I mean a picture of it. It's nothing like what we make them out to be. We got the color right it's red. I'd like to meet the person who thought of the shape of the stereotypical heart because they got it very wrong. I once had a crush on a girl in the fifth grade. I drew her a picture of a heart on a piece of graph paper. I made it into a maze and instead of start and finish I wrote you and me. I was very proud of myself it was quite romantic for me at the time. I guess what I'm saying is; I'm glad I didn't know what a real heart looked like because that would have been really hard to draw on a piece of graph paper.
Why the heart is clumped in with love has always confused me. Love is mental and somewhat physical but nothing to include the heart. Sometimes your heart flutters if you see someone you like or in this case love. Have you ever wondered if it does that just because we have been conditioned to think that it has to do that? I'm not trying to make any waves but it doesn't make much sense for it to do that does it? I don't like the saying broken heart. I'm not sure why. It just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe because mines been “broken” a few times before. You'd think though if you break something enough times it doesn't really ever fit back together the way it did when you got it. I really don't like this paragraph. Just because I don't know where I was trying to go with it and it's just lost now. It can stay that way.
Maybe I don't like the saying because it can be used so differently. One person getting their heart broken can be completely different than someone else. That's the way with a lot of this though so I guess it's not really fair of me to not like the saying. The heart is amazing though it really is. Its something we all have no matter how evil some people may be. Don't believe me. Turn to the person next to you and just listen to it, better yet find your mortal enemy and listen to theirs they have one to. It may be tiny so turn off all your electrical devices first so you can hear it, but its there trust me. Have you ever heard it in your ears before? I meant your own. Heart.
You know they have plastic hearts now? There trying them out for heart transplants to help us live longer. I wonder would they still flutter? I wonder would they still ache? That's not a deep question or anything I really would like to know. That might prove my theory correct. If you know anyone with one please contact me. Sometimes I breathe real slow and concentrate real hard so I can hear it. It beats slow and loud. It's nice to know its there, even if it has a lot of stitches in it. Ma-Ti was always my favorite you know. (If you don't understand that last sentence please put this down now and go watch every episode of captain planet. Have you had a feeling like you where missing out on something in you life? Well we just figured it out. Glad I could help.)
```` The Limbs. In the human body, the upper and lower limbs are commonly called the arms and the legs. Human legs and feet are specialized for two-legged locomotion most other mammals walk and run on all four limbs blah blah blah. Human arms are weaker, but very mobile allowing us to reach at a wide range of distances and angles, and end in specialized hands capable of grasping and fine manipulation of objects. Opposable thumbs rock. I started a band once. I went through so many names. I mean a lot of names. · · · · · · · Far From The Light Of Day Pet Rock Kidney Stones Fuck thinking of names Killer Pink Fish Polly Pocket And so on…
Then I was listening to an amazing band call the Presidents of the United States Of America play their song called Man. In the song it talks about Opposable Thumbs. I fell in love with the name. Unfortunately as I've stated spelling is horrible for me so our band was Appossable Thumbs. I was so proud of it I couldn't wait until we started playing gigs. The band lasted two weeks. The point is that if you look hard enough you can find whatever you want even if it's just a band name. Anyway not anyways because that isn't a word, we can move back on to whatever I'm trying to get to with this whole thing. We can work our way down instead of up. Hands are amazing things you know. Mine can crack, give the thumbs up and open pickle jars. They can show you where to go or where to stick it. My hands can feel and heal. My hands have touched a lot of things, shot a lot of things and played a lot of music. They've gotten me in trouble and gotten me out of a lot of tough situations.
Being able to curl your fingers so that the tips of the thumbs are alongside and touching the first joint of your forefinger. Keeping the thumbs straight along the seams of your pant leg with the first joint of your finger touching your pants is always a good thing to know. Yes a very good thing. My arms are tough, they are strong. Skinny but with the strength of ants. They aren't the same as they where when I was born. Much longer now, with a lot of bad things in them. Shapes, designs, lines that lead to other ones. Others have lines and such on there arms but they are not mine. So they are of no interest to this right now. Arms can push. I've pushed to many things. Arms are weak if you know how to hurt them. I had to learn the hard way arms can heal but they leave you with something so you know you are still weak. Maybe weaker. Elbows are useless. Trust me.
Shoulders like to roll and roll and roll. I'm getting bored of arms moving on. Legs are legs are legs. Some are hairy and some are not. Some want to be hairy but the people that own them don't care about there feelings and like to swim fast so those legs are screwed. Legs can walk and run or power walk but that's just useless. Legs are taken for granted.(something about mermaids an fish) I'm running out of steam for this. The Lungs The lungs are not popular on the Internet because I can not find a proper definition. Also internet is supposed to be capitalized but I don't care about that second one so it'll suffer. I do not treat mine very well at all. I tell everyone that I smoke because I think it makes me look cool. Unfortunately if your reading this you can't hear the sarcasm in that last statement. I don't know why I still smoke I have a lot of reasons why I shouldn't ever touch a cigarette again but who knows.
Whenever I read the word “know” I say it in my head Ka no. I like to say the k sound for some reason. I've honestly tried to do it the correct way but its just not going to happen. I feel like I'm rambling so for all you fans of the lung I'm sorry I need to move on.
Points of interest: The body is boring me things that just didn't make the list. -fingernails -toes -skin -ears -eyelashes -knees -chin -those two places where crap is in your eyes when you wake up(I know what there called but that just sounds cooler) -neck -teeth -tongue -stomach -liver -all other organs -all the other organs I wasn't thinking of when I said all other organs -freckles -the skin on the inside of your elbow
Story timeOnce someone was sad so I wrote them a poem. It went like this. Meow Meow Meow goes the brown cow Milk Milk Milk goes the worm with the kilt Moo Moo Moo goes the cow with a chew Blibly Blobly Boop CRAP Goes God as he looses his footing on a toy Jesus left on the floor Causing him to fall and catch himself with his left hand smashing the earth and killing everyone. But in his fall he did find a penny under the couch.
Story time(cont.) 01001111 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110011 01110100 01110101 01110000 01101001 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01110010 01101001 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01101111 00100000 01100001 01110111 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101001 01101100 01100101 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 01101011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100001 01100100 01110110 01101001 01101100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101001 01110010 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100
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00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100100 01110011 I CAN”T READY BINARY ASSHOLE! I hope you take the time to figure that out. 0011001110 <not actually binary.
(letter received in basic training) 4/8/2008 “Greetings Starfighter, ..I gather from your letter that you might be realizing some of you limits. Don't be to concerned! Your training is designed to push you beyond your limits. The first thing you training cadre' has to do is find out where you break so they know what they need to do to build you up to the high level of soldiering that you will realize by the time all you training is complete. Trust me on this. I've been there and done that. This is just all part of the process and it gets better every week. At times you will stumble. There will be time when you just can't run another step. Look to your “brothers” when that happens. I'm sure you'll find someone in your platoon who will reach out and offer a shoulder or will help hold you up by grabbing onto your arm or maybe just offer the right words of encouragement. There will be other time when you're still in the zone. Your steps are flowing and your breathing is rhythmic and you'll see someone stumble and be ready to quit.
Don't be afraid to reach out and offer whatever help they need to get them through. That's what its all about. Thats why I told you its important to leave yourself open to making friends and not just focus on one person. Being an “Army of one” has very little to do with being by yourself. It has everything to do with being an individual part of something much bigger. The bonds of friendship you make now will be with you the rest of your life. You also mentioned in your letter that when you're feeling like you can't make it you think of me and how you want to make me proud. I'm sorry but it's too late for that. You see, I'm already very proud of you. And I was before you even joined the army. And it has nothing to do with being my job because I'm a . Your a good kid and a fine man. I wouldn't change a thing.” With all my love,
I've learned that everything can be eaten with a spoon. Knives and forks are actually pointless. Knives are really just for people that aren't strong enough to rub a spoon hard enough to cut something. A fork is for someone who is afraid to eat spaghetti with their hands. A spork is like taking an Olympic swimmer and strapping him down with iron weights. The only reason you would ever need a spork is to eat a soup sandwich. On the topic of sporks, if you ever ask anyone to name something completely random and they say spork just walk away because they have no idea of the blood line or importance of utensils. The little black line the flashes when you aren't typing was just keeping time with the song I'm listening to.
We'll play a game the electrician used to play with me. Go get a pen. I just waited about two minutes before I wrote this sentence so that gave you plenty of time to get one. No excuses. Just write down the first thing you think of when you read the next few things. Homeless-
Did you find the secret message? I actually didn't consider using the word HOWDY as a greeting until I meet a girl. She wasn't anyone important at all really just a meeting and the word seemed to stick. I used to watch kids in the hall a lot and I really miss that show, but anyway I used to ash in anything that could hold it, but anyway I used to never understand why those damn Canadians where so funny, but anyway I used to take things from people like sayings and phrases like howdy and such like that. (aren't you glad I didn't talk about kids in the hall or smoking?(also I made sure I capitalized Canadians.))
Points of interest: Religion I still haven't found it yet. I have tried a few. I never went to church or anything until I joined. When your so far away and you only get Sundays to yourself you try and find it as hard as you can. I was genuinely interested it it though. I went to as many churches as I could. The religions I tried were very different. -Jewish –Catholic -Baptist -Scientology -Hindu –Buddhist -Islamic -Protestant -Mormon -Pagan
The one I found the most interesting or well the one I went to the most was The Church of Later Day Saints. The Mormon religion. I don't know why I went to it so much. Maybe it was because of her, or maybe it was because they had free cough drops, or maybe it was just because the ride on the bus was so long. What it was I'm not really sure. They had some good points but I think it was the cough drops. For a long time I had a favorite part of the bible. I'm not sure if you would call it a passage or what I don't know exactly what it's called and I wouldn't want to say it wrong. For a while I was going to get it as a tattoo, for a while I thought it was written about me. It was then that I realized a lot of things. I was selfish.
It was written so long ago how could I say it was my own. Yes it reminded me of myself and it spoke to me but that didn't matter. As I laid there in my bed so neatly made. In the middle of nowhere with sixty other men that had as much of an idea about what was going to happen the next day as I did. I came upon the idea that somethings are better shared than kept. I'm sure a lot of people have read this. I'm sure of the fact because it's in a very popular book. The fact is I want to share this with you. Not because it spoke to me, not because it brought me though some hard nights, not because I thought it was written for me, but instead because I know now that it wasn't written for me and thats what makes it so special.
1 Corinthians Chapter 13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angles, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; Does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as also I am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. Take what you want from this, all I wanted was to share. I read the bible a lot while I was there. Not so much to find out things about religion or Jesus or “how he died for our sins” because I don't really know if I feel that way. I guess the main reason I read it was to pass the time.
I don't feel bad for saying that. I don't feel bad for not having my own religion that I can tell people about. That I can go around and say have you heard of this it's my church you should try it. That just isn't the thing I need right now. Probably the main reason why I don't talk about religion so much is that I haven't done enough research into it. What gives me the right to say who has everything right. Maybe just one person is correct. Maybe everyone has bits of it correct. Maybe everyone is wrong and no one knows yet. Maybe there is no god. All I know is that if everyone is wrong than thats pretty funny if you really think about it. God to me is our own person. In the end who are you talking to when you pray? Who gives you strength. Maybe it is someone up there but they are still giving it to you through yourself. In the end we all have to make our own decision and mine is to keep looking until I've seen it all.
NOT TRUE! (arrow-down) There once was a king but he had no queen. One day at a festival in his honor he meet a woman. She wasn't of queen material but he didn't care. They went everywhere together that day she even went with him to the royal latrine. (yes they were getting that close.) They began to see each other regularly and they liked it. Soon though the king wasn't as impressive and she began to get bored. They tried many different things to make things more fun. They went to shows of dragons and other weird animals. They even brought a few home with them. They just stained the sheets. So they let them free. The king hated the woman but stayed because he knew he would like her if he just tried long enough. The woman hated the king but stayed because she got a fucking castle, and horses and food.
The king wasn't sure what to do and it was hard to ignore the other women that where still impressed with him and he started seeing them instead. He realized that he missed the woman he meet at the festival and decided to do something great. So he built a great castle and they moved in. She didn't like the moat. She didn't like the drawbridge it was to wooden. The rooms where to big but she smiled and told him all these things could be fixed and it was alright he didn't get it right for her. They where happy for the moment being, and they decided it was time for them to move on in there relationship. It was time for her to become a queen. He climbed the highest mountain and got the rarest flower. He swam the most deadly currents to get her a rare dress from a far land. He got the best musicians to play the most beautiful melodies never even imagined.
He found the woman and showed her all these things and ask for her hand. She said yes, and that he should have asked what her favorite color of flower was because this wasn't it, and that the guitars and mandolins and pan flutes where all out of tune. And the dress well it just didn't fit her and was wet from the water. And they where happy for the time being. She got bored with the castle and was jealous of the other peoples everything it didn't really matter what it was. So the king created an army and joined it with her to fight the enemy of everything else. In the middle of a fierce battle the king and woman began to fight. They knocked down houses and building with the fury that had kept locked up for so long. The woman decided to leave and go join another army far away. The king cried and cried like a king shouldn't. His people got very mad at him for making them suffer for so long. The king gave the crown away and moved to a farm. He is happy for the time being. -END
Points of interest:(cont.) Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full? Where do people in hell tell other people to go? Do jail buses have emergency exits? Why don't the kids just make the rabbit work for the Trix that way they can have all their chores done and only have to pay him in sugar cereal? What number am I thinking of? Does Florida make the US look like where taking a piss on Cuba? (I love Gallagher)
Pet Peeves: • • People who wear pajama pants out in public People who try to write books and just remember this much through that there are bullets People who wear pants that say stuff on their ass People who can't hand you money but put it on the counter then get mad when you do the same thing with their change. If you say anyways People who put... after every sentence The new star wars movies Social smokers People who pop there gum constantly People who don't understand sarcasm People who can't finish things Anyone who can't actually just sit there and laugh at themselves
• • • • • • • •
I once had a friend with a dog that could do tricks. Not just like lay down or roll over. This dog could do math and find people. You just needed a bag of frozen green beans. I still to this day have no idea. When I was little I wanted to be a magician. I got a magic table and a bunch of cool tricks to do on it. That lasted about two weeks. Things I try do not last long. Thats goes for relationships to. When I was in the 5th grade I dated a girl for two days and gave her a ring from one of those quarter machines. Her friend told her to throw it away because I had cooties. I think that my relationships have gone back to that level now.
(letter from 8th grade)
Hey (my name), what did I say? So what if I bragged about having a good time, I TOLD HER NOT TO SAY ANYTHING!! Because I knew you would say something. Why are you so embarrassed of me? I really did have a good time, and now know not to TELL JESSIE ANYTHING!!!! Hey I'm soooooooooooo excited for the concert. I (heart) . Please don't be mad at me. I just had such a good time I couldn't keep it to myself. I am really sorry. I really am. I won't say anything to anyone anymore K? Just don't be mad. I want to have an awesome time at the concert knowing that your not mad at me. I'll call when I get home from school. !!!!!!!!!!!SORRY!!!!!!!!!!! From author 1.
Your friends asswholes are such I think I should really kick their Author 1(never finished)
I just really want to touch on that spoon thing. To the rest of the utensils. Screw em.
Hero's growing up. Sean Connery in anything he did. Macgyver. Sam Becket. Harrison ford as Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Clint Eastwood My Father.
Things to do list. -Watch every movies Sean Connery has ever been in. -Quit smoking. -Tell everyone in my life how I feel. -Really have an open talk with my father. -Understand my mother. -Actually have the guts to show someone this. -Play guitar in front of people. -Become a teacher. -Finish my tattoos. -Have my moment. -Never forget anyone. -Tell her. -Be a good Father. -Learn to dance. -Have my motorcycle. -Actually try to finish this list.
(letter received in 6th grade) *(my name)* Hi, Um I was just wondering if we're EVER going to even talk? If so please meet me at my locker(#86) and walk with me and a friend to the public library, on Monday the 14th. If you want you can also bring a friend! If you do want to talk, send a note to locker #86(near end of 6th grade hall. But please, if you leave a note, please put my name on it so won't read it! Yours truly, Author number 2 P.S: please, what's the status of our relationship? P.P.S: Please write back!
Points of interest.
_nothing at the moment
I've never quite understood. Someone once told me that when they were younger they always thought that lighting was Jesus running around the house turning all the lights on and off. And the thunder was God yelling at him to knock it off. I don't think I ever asked why the sky was blue when I was younger. When I was younger I was riding my bike for a while and got thirsty so I ran into the house and got some water. When I went out side I put my helmet on and there was bee inside. It really hurt.
I've always wanted to live in a different time period. The perfect time for me would be in the 40's. For some reason I find the clothing and appearance of people fascinating. It would be nice to live old fashioned not have T.V, or cell phones. (tab) I can't hold a thought right now. The letter c is following all of this. For some reason my computer doesn't understand the space button unless something is in front of it so there is a c in front of the cursor so that I can see it move over a space. I don't like commercials. This is pointless but you read it anyway.
Something AWFUL I love how this looks in bold. My friend and I have a business plan that I think is flawless. We are going to create a pizza place that only sells pizza that was cooked the day before. We will put it in the freezer because everyone loves day old pizza. In fact that's what it will be called Day old pizza. I understand that this will never happen but its nice to have thoughts. I used to have a best friend and we would hang out all the time. We made a pact that we would never smoke cigarettes or pot, that we would never have sex before we got married and we would never drink until we were 21. I did not keep my word. We had a conversations about if we were on the Truman show. It was a movie about a guy that lived a life that was on T.V and everyone was actors but him. We had to swear to each other that if we were actors we would tell each other. We told each other that we weren't actors. I still wonder sometimes.
The Captain and the Mermaid. (This is was to long and pointless) There once was a great sea captain. He loved the sea. He had a lovely ship called The Drunken Coward. Nothing more than a name. The ship wasn't as beautiful as it once was. The captain had it all his life. He got it the day he was born and it was as new as he was to the world, but as a reckless teen he misused it and it became tattered and torn. He was attacked by a great wale while he was out on the sea by himself. They fought for many many months without rest. The whale and him had a past. They hated each other but the true reason was lost forever. The whale and the captain became tired and they realized they where never going to finish the fight so they went there separate ways for the time being. The captain brought his ship back to port. It was beaten and torn. The sails were only shreds of themselves and water was leaking into most places. He knew that if he ever got into a situation like that he might not be as lucky and that his ship had stood up to the worst fight he had ever been in.
All that summer he worked hard on rebuilding it. He wasn't just fixing up the old ship, he was making it into a brand new one. At the end of the summer he was finished and it was everything he wished his ship could be. The captain had many good crew mates by now and they had many adventures under their belts. The captain decided to test his ship out on his own. He sailed for many days until he grew tired and found an island with a single chair on it. As he approached the island he thought he saw a mermaid sitting on the chair, and across the breeze he could have sworn he heard the most beautiful song ever sung. He didn't try to think much of it because he was very tired. The island wasn't very big but it had trees and fresh water with many beautiful plants. The captain saw no reason why he couldn't sleep there for a while and begin his trek home the next day.
He quickly feel asleep in the chair and had a dream about the adventures of his friends. The mermaid returned in the middle of the night to find the captain asleep in her chair. She woke him to ask what he was doing there. He explained he saw her sitting in the chair but thought she was just a dream. The mermaid laughed and the captain still wasn't sure if it was real or not. She picked up one of the many flowers on the island in her hand and put it to the captains face. This was when the captain realized the flowers were glowing colors he never would have imagined in his life. Mixes of red, green, blue and some colors he didn't even think had names yet. She squeezed it in her hand until drops of the colors began to fall from her hand. She began to draw amazing pictures of stars and planets the captain could never of imagined in his wildest dreams. She drew men in metal ships above earth. They had weird clothes and looked through glass bowls. After she was done she feel asleep next to him in the bed of flowers.
The next day they spent together talking and learning of each other. The captain worried that his friends would come looking for him and he didn't want to share this with anyone. So he decided to return. He promised the mermaid that he would return to the island soon. Within a week the captain came back to the island with his own flowers. They were not amazing glowing ones but he knew she wouldn't care. The mermaid went and planted them next to her chair. The captain brought her flowers everyday after that. While he was away the mermaid would go to places he could never go with his ship and find them most amazing flowers to show him when he would return. She told him of whales she was friends with and he told of whales he had fought. They wanted to be together, but she was with the sea. She promised him everyday she would leave the sea and come live with him. He told her it was alright he knew it was wrong to keep a sea creature from the sea, but he didn't mind coming to see her on their secret island.
The mermaid was with the sea while the captain was away and he began to get jealous. He knew it wasn't right because she was with the sea before the captain. They had many talks and she decided to finally leave the sea. The next week the captain returned and was ready to bring the mermaid back with him. The mermaid told him she wasn't ready and didn't know how to leave the sea. The mermaid told him to come back in one week and she would be ready. The next week the captain returned he brought the most amazing flowers. She hadn't had time to find any new ones for him. This went on for a while until the captain said that he would not return unless she made up her mind. They sat down in the garden they had created. Full of flowers of every shape, size, smell, sound, and taste. They didn't say a word. They looked at each other for a long time. The mermaid began to move towards the captain. He arose to take her in his arms but she dove into the sea. She had decided.
The captain was sad but in away was not surprised. He looked at his ship and decided to go on an adventure. He went to many ports and found many companions. He though of the mermaid often but tried to forget her. He finally decided to return home. While he was riding the current into his home port he was hit by a whale. They began to fight and his ship began to fall apart. The sky was dark and so where the whales eyes. He rose up his spear gun. The whale began to charge. He looked into the whales eyes and put his gun down. He told the whale it wasn't worth it. The whale listened and told him he just thought it was what they were supposed to do. The captain wasn't sure of anything. They went there separate ways. When the captain returned home his friends wanted to hear all about it. He told them of his journeys and they began their normal routine. The captain wasn't the same after his experiences he appreciated his ship much more and made sure it was ready for anything. He went on a long trip not to long ago.
He got lost and was on the sea for many days. He had a talk with the sea and they came to an understanding. Some things just aren't ready to leave, but that doesn't mean the captain should be afraid of something different. He still finds flowers and picks them, but he just doesn't bring them to the island anymore. He still thinks of the mermaid, but he doesn't see her anymore. He keeps the flowers as a reminder that he doesn't have to travel so far and risk so much just to appreciate somethings beauty. End
Let's see what we can do to get you in a better frame of mind. Note that I address your frame of mind and not your situation because that's what you need to take a look at. It is an unfortunate circumstance that you now find yourself in, but not one that hasn't been encountered by EVERY person who has gone through basic before you. For me it was the case of the missing bayonet. We were three weeks into our basic training and still under total control. We had also had a zero week where we received our uniforms, arms and were instructed on PT, Drill and Ceremony and marching in formation. We had also had an induction week before that where we got physicals, shots and tested for what our MOS qualifications were. You see I went in as a draftee and, unlike an all volunteer Army, none of us knew what our function would be. The obvious was someone to shoot at in Vietnam but that didn't mean we weren't hopeful for something else. The point is it's now five weeks into our training and I've had no privileges. I'm really looking forward to this weekend pass. I've got
no duty scheduled for the weekend, and I'm looking forward to going to the PX, maybe a movie, whatever I want. Mostly, I was looking forward to calling my wife. I know you know I was married before but I've rarely talked about any of the particulars. I got married when I was 18 and one of the biggest reasons was that my draft lottery number was #10 and I had received my letter for my induction physical and pretty much knew where I was headed. We were young and in love and didn't want to miss the chance of being married so we did it before I left. Obviously, after five weeks, I was homesick and craving contact with my wife. The Friday before our first free weekend we had bayonet training. Like the bolts for our M-16's, bayonets were kept in the armory and not issued unless they were going to be used. At the end of the day they were all to be returned. When the armory did their return inventory count, they came up one short. We were immediately put in a lock down in terms of control, stripped down and searched, lockers torn apart, ect. Sound familiar?
We were taken outside in underwear and boots and they started us of on a double-time around our platoon area. One loop around was a quarter mile. We were told that our privileges were all gone and that we would not stop running until whoever stole the bayonet gave it up. This went on for a couple of hours. People were passing out, falling down, puking, you name it. Our M-16's were kept in a containment area within our local complex and not the general armory because we used them every day. Finally one of the drill sergeant had the foresight to check there and found the missing bayonet still affixed to one of the M-16's. It belonged to a kid named He was the only one to have failed his bayonet training that day and when we first got back to our barracks that night one of the DI's had taken him out to the dummy we had set up in our yard for additional training. He didn't turn his stuff in until much later than the rest of us an forgot to take the bayonet off. You'd have to know him. He was a border line moron. I'm not kidding, this kid was just a couple of chromosomes ahead of the kids you see walking around with their councilors on “Tardz” day at Wal-mart. When you get home remind me to
show you his picture from my Army book. What are you going to do? Some people wanted to beat the snot out of him. Others just chose to ignore him and not talk to him like he was to be shunned. We lost our privileges anyway so four of us worked with him all weekend and practiced with a stick. First thing Monday morning we had him go up to one of the DI's and ask if he could be tested again. They took him up to the practice dummy in our yard, gave him his M-16 and bayonet (which they still had because the armory had closed up before they found it) and went through the drill. He passed all the required moves. They asked him how he was able to do it. He told them about the four of us and how we took the time to practice with him all weekend. After morning chow we were called to fall-in. After we assembled, the four of us were called up to the front of the platoon. The senior drill Sgt. came out and gave us armbands with Corporal stripes on them and told us we were now acting squad leaders for our barracks. I guess the point is that you need to look into yourself and determine the type of person you want to be. We still lost our privileges that weekend but we cleared the path to get
them back and we got recognized in the process for our efforts. And don't think for one moment that they aren't looking to see what you all will do face with these setbacks. You are constantly being evaluated. I have never known anyone who has gone through basic training that did not lose that first weekend pass for some bullshit reason. I believe its destined to be. The reason is that not everyone in your group has figured out yet that, “wanting something is not enough. You much hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come you way.” As a part of that group you can try to make them realize that until they get with the program everybody will lose out. That's a difficult thing to do. Getting into a fight over it isn't going to do it. All that is going to do is get you in trouble for violating military code of conduct. Shunning them is also no good. All you can do is try to positively reinforce the concept that if you want privileges you have got to have the best interest of the group at heart and not just you own interests. You may not even
want to go that far. The other option available to you is to do nothing and simple hope things will get better. What is the difference in the psychology of a winner and a loser; of one who is stressed out and one who is relaxed; of one who is angry and one who is calm; of one who is worried and one who is confident? Although it may not be possible to account for every variable, a large portion of the difference is attributed to how one views situations and what one says to themselves. Many outcomes are predetermined by our beliefs and our beliefs are influenced by our vision and our self talk. You, Sir, are at a crossroads in your life where you have to ask yourself just what type of person do I want to be? Simply believe whatever is inside you. I do! Whatever it is will be the first thing for you to do. And, as long as you're being true to yourself, I'm sure it is something that I'll be proud of... ...You are a good soul. You need to realize there are those things that can be changed and there are those things that can't. And then you need to ask yourself if you want to be the one who is the positive force that tries to
bring about change in the things that can be changed. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. Have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition; they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Have you ever heard the saying that life imitates art? You'll find that is frequently true. Such is the case here. If you remember Starfighter Alex decided at first that he did not want to be a Starfighter and had Centari bring him back home. Once there he saw that the fight was going to follow him anyway. Zur was sending the Zandozans down to Earth to kill him. He decided to go back to Rylos and discovered they had been attacked. He hooked up with Grig and they took the prototype Gunstar that had been modified with Death Blossom and head out to the frontier, En route, they encountered the Zurian cargo ship and Grig put Alex in the throws of battle hoping that a Starfighter would emerge. They chased the ship into the caves and Alex kept hesitating until he finally destroyed the cargo ship. It was there in the caves that Alex finally realized that there are some things that you can
change and others that you can't he came up with the plan to hide until the command ship went by and then sneak up on them from behind. He had finally looked into himself and realized who he was and that changes he could make to protect the worlds now threatened by the black scurge of the Kodaan. What he found when he looked into himself was that he was the last Starfighter. Follow your heart. I have only one other reference that I would offer up to you to consider when you try to figure out what to do in dealing with you problems. That is a passage from a favorite poem of mine by Robert Frost. Frost is by far my favorite and he teaches us in his poem entitled, Two Tramps In Mud Time, the following: But yield who will to their separation, My object in living is to unite My avocation and my vocation As my two eyes make one in sight. Only where love and need are one, And the work is play for mortal stakes, Is the deed ever really done For heaven and future's sakes. -Love and miss you.”
Points of interest: Steam I've run out of it. Body (cont.) eyes: They help you see. I just saved you about three pages of reading right there.
I've already said this but my relationships have not changed since I was little. (received in 6th grade) (my name) Well according to our parents no. But, I'm not sure, but I think, oh, I don't know! What do you think? We could be “special friends”- more than friends but not allowed to go out. And I think that I can go to the dance CAN YOU? Please come! Author 2
Points of interest: Lust
(is not an emotion according to a very trusted source) Is lust an emotion. Obviously it's a sin if you think in those terms. The seven sins are just a belief but I am merely stating. They are a belief and lust is one of them. I could say gravity isn't real but its a common belief that it is, but its still only a theory. I'm getting off subject and that is just so not like any of this so I'll go back. (fourth wall just shattered) does the fourth wall exist in books? Plus I'm pretty sure I broke that really early on in this, so it would be more of an eight hundred wall. It has been pointed out to me that lust is more of a craving than an emotion. Even if craving is an emotion, lust would be classified under craving. “Theres no emotion behind lust, at least pure lust.” bold. Lust doesn't constitute into anything.
For some reason I've wanted to use constitute in that last sentence. Lust is just lust. I'm not entirely sure where I wanted to go in this. Lust can be rationalized easily if you can lie to yourself. If you can do that well enough you might not even know what your feeling. Fuck. (Written recently. Never sent.) When I think about how foolish I was with you I hate it. How quick I was to let what was in my head grow so fast that I couldn’t understand that it died a long time ago. Now when I think of you I’m quick to eat another cigarette and laugh it off like it was some joke. I don’t know what I’m doing over here or what it will be like when I get home but I know its nothing like I made it out to be. So I’ll smoke another pack and listen to the same old songs. Tell myself its my mood not the songs that make me sad.
Drink more water and wish it was Jameson and have dreams about drinking till I forget the other dreams. I don’t hate you for it but in a way I just despise you. For not living up to my fucked up fantasy of some movie. I blame movies for this not working out. Not the fact that it would of never actually happened. Movies, songs, stupid videos so much easier to lay the blame on. So fuck you everything that had nothing to do with it. Because it's far to hard to just except that we are not in a fairy tale. I am reminded of that every day but my blinders are doing their job.
Drunk Love Letter.
I love you. I know that it's hard to except the fact that someone who is so far away can feel this way. I feel this is what true love is. I know that I’m drunk but I don't want that to take away from this. My grammar might not be on par and I might not spell everything correctly in this message but don't let it take away from what I'm trying to say. What am I trying to say? I have no fucking clue. I could sit here and just fucking write pages and pages on how I love you and how I want to be with you but you've heard that. You know that, and you have trouble believing it. I could sit here and try to explain to you why you should believe it and how it's true and I love you for nothing more than just to love you. By now you know this is a fact and it doesn't matter if you believe it or not I'm going to feel this way.
So I will not waste this message with pent up love if you would call it that. Or waste it with so much wanting for you to understand. All I will say is that I feel for you in a way I haven’t for another. If this was three thousand years ago it wouldn't be called love because maybe that word wasn't around. It doesn't matter what you fucking call it. My feelings are real. Name it what you want. No matter how we turn out no matter how we make it in the world. I will show you that whatever you want to label a feeling. It is possible for another human to want something so much for for someone else rather than wanting it for themselves. That's all I really want I want you to feel nothing I've felt in the past 3 months. I want you to feel as if the world owes you everything and all you have to do is reach out and grab it.
All I want is you to feel. So take whatever you want from this. It is what it is and to the rest screw ‘em.
(letter written in basic but never sent) 24MAY08 Dear ,
12 days and a wake up now lady. Happy very belated B-day. I would have wrote you sooner but I was on FTX -5. it was bad ass I fucked up my arm. I was shooting my M16 which I named Charlotte don't ask me why is just seemed to fit. Anyway a round flew out of the ejection port and fell into my sleeve and burned the fuck out of my arm at least I have a battle scare now. All of my training is finally over. All I have to do now is clean. I miss the fuck out of you and (town) hope I didn't freak you out with that letter. I'm not sure if I should have sent it. Didn't want to make things awkward. I want some food when I get back I don't care where, you're going to pick. We're going out to eat and I'm paying! Its only 18:17 they put us on personnel time so early today. I learned a lot more stuff about I wont go into details but she already has a bf. I'm not sure I meet the real until
now. Is the new Indiana Jones out? I'm looking forward to seeing that. I can sit here and picture (town) I hope its what I expect it to be. Not that I expect much out of(town) but I would like to come home to it. I can't wait to see the look on a lot of peoples faces, especially yours. I look very different in an army uniform you know. Its hard to concentrate on writing this letter. I just keep thinkings about home. I can not wait. It's 19:23 now had to go to a hydration formation. Oh I think I love you. Sincerely, (my name)
Anger: Anger is the easiest of emotions. How hard is it to get angry. I think its creates it self. What I mean by that is, it can make you angry not to be angry. If you don't get incredible mad sometimes your just going to blow up. Its a proven fact. Prove that wrong. Right now I'm angry at this fucking thing. I don't even really know what to call it. I will call it the long and stupid grouping of words that I have put down thus far and have no idea if or when I will finish. Stupid.
(the break up of me and author 1) (in a note passed in class) Hey author 1, Wicked bored in English right now. So if your looking over and think I'm working I'm not lol! Well I cant believe that got put in the box for what we did to it was just a joke. Ok well now the reason I wrote the note! We need to talk about some stuff. On Monday OK? When we walk home. Well... we just need to talk OK well ttyl. (my name)
Hey (my name), I don't understand! Did I say or do something wrong? You are going to dump me, huh? Why I've seen a change in your attitude since, but I don't understand why! Please don't ruin my weekend! Did anytime we spent together mean anything to you?! It hurts, do you understand that when someone dumps you that it hurts!? Call me please! Don't ruin the friendship we have! (my name) no matter what you will ALWAYS mean a great deal to me! Maybe we can work it out, I don't know. Just, don't hurt me! Don't ruin easter for me!!! Always yours Author 1
Does teen angst just turn into angst when you become twenty. Does that make you less angsty? I believe anger is healthy in controlled amounts. Now I'm not saying go out and just punch every fucking kid out there that wears a god damn hat so far up his head that it doesn't even block the sun or keep warm, and there is absolutely no point for him to wear it. No I don't think you should do that at all. Being able to understand that you are angry is a big help though. That way you can understand what is making you angry and try to avoid it or fix it so you aren't angry all the time. In this little rant I have said angry eleven times. It took me about three times to read over the last few paragraphs to get that number I was just going to make one up and put it down but someone might count and get angry (12). If I had just said ironic would that have made me sound smarter? Fights are just aggravating. I would like to relate to you how much anger I have pent up. Please pause for me to think of something to compare it to. If you took the distance from Earth to Mars.
Depending on where they are in their orbits, they can be anywhere from 36 million miles to over 250 million miles apart. So we will just say 36 million so the numbers don't get to big. I feel like I have enough anger to fill buckets 7 times here and back. So now multiply that (36 million) by lets say fourteen. So 36,000,000 * 14 is (I'll wait for you to get a calculator you better not just look at the end of this sentence you won't get the full affect.) You would get a number like 504,000,000. So now lets say you wanted to fill buckets of my pent up anger and put them 7 times to Mars and back (14 all together)so lets say the diameter of a bucket you want to use is seven inches. There are 5,280 feet in a mile. There are 12 inches in a foot. 5280 x 12 = 63,360 inches in a mile. So 63,360 inches divided by 7 is 9051.42. So we can round that number down to 9,051 so we can fit 9,051 buckets in a mile. Now lets take that and multiply it by 504,000,000. So thats 4,561,704,000,000 buckets between Mars and Earth 7 times both ways with my pent up anger.
Lets say each bucket can hold 1.4 lbs of anger. That would mean that I have 6,386,385,600,000 lbs of pent up anger in me. So if we were to do all that thats about all my pent up anger out there. Does that make sense? No. How do I know it would be 7 times back and fourth to mars. Cause its my anger I can do with it what I want.
(36 million miles) (earth) (mars)
(buckets 7” diameter 1.4 lbs each of anger)x 4,561,704,000,000
equals a lot of shit.
Points of Interest: Iraq. (JOURNAL 2010_) We are not brave. We are just doing our jobs. Through technology I am able to share with you the feelings I’ve had, describe the things I’ve seen but its not the same. You don’t see the things I’ve witnessed. You can’t comprehend seeing two children fight over a bottle of water till one of them is so bloody and battered they pass out. When I can’t sleep at night I think of all the girls from my past and what hope I had for them. I may have been with a lot of girls but what most people don’t know and what I don’t bother telling them is this: I tried so hard with all of them. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a one night stand. How I wish to be young and dumb again. To go back and not try with some and give everything I had to a few. Now this might sound strange. Me saying I want to be young and dumb as a twenty one year old.
I wish not to be young and dumb, but to of had the chance to be young back home. Make bad decisions, get way to drunk and not have to worry about going back to a world of shit. Watching my friends have kids, get married and grow up it makes me. I don’t know what it makes me. I am here for no reason. Making decisions I know will be with me the rest of my life as if they are second nature. Running into a fire fight to get someone is nothing its part of the job. Getting shot at and laughing it off because you can’t do anything is just another perk. So do not think we are brave. You don’t pay for bravery and we are just looking for a paycheck. So I guess we are just young and dumb. We are growing up on lead, bottles of water, long hours and blistering heat. We are not brave we just got lost on our way home. We are young scared souls that will never admit it and understand friendship no one else could ever understand. We will be forever young in our minds because that part of our life was taken, but trust me on the bravery.
If I am what I eat than I am runny eggs and dust. If I am what I do for a living than I am a teacher and a killer. If I am what I preach than I am forgiving and a lover. If i am my past than I am a dumb young boy who doesn’t know any better. If i am my future than I am unknown. If i am what I make than I am blood, sweat, tears, and shit. If I am my religion than I’m a sinner with no remorse. If I am any of these things I am learning. I am not profound. I am not a master of words or a wise old man. I am young, unmolded, I am a piece of clay. I am my past, future, and present. I am none of those things. Whatever I am it isn’t a bad person. I have done bad things. In the most recent past i have done things that will be with me for the rest of my life, but for all of those things look at what i do today and tomorrow to judge me. Look at what i don’t have and what I’ve given up. Look at where I’m going to be, not at the things I’ve stopped at. There is a reason why I can see you at the end of the road.
In todays war we don’t fight with pure soul. We still work in sweat, blood, and tears but it is no longer eat once a week and fend off trench foot. We live by our I pods, computers,steamables and body armor. Face book and social sites have become our snail mail. We live every moment as if it’s our last because we have become so used to rocket strikes and motors we joke and run towards them. One horrifying minute and hours of boredom. Rinse and repeat our life is a bad war movie. We spend more time playing war with video games than in real life that when we get into fire fights we laugh it off and brag about who shot who. We are the generation of war, of violence and of no soul. We are the generation of electronics, blood, You Tube, and fondness of death. There are no war bonds no great home comings. Our country has grown tired of this media war. It isn’t the cool thing to watch so it isn’t happening. We are fighting the forgotten war. We are the generation of tolerance of destruction. We are the generation kill. We live fast, love faster, and die young but fuck do we do it gracefully.
(random attempt at poetry from my journal I wrote in 2003) I used to know much stronger friends the cigarette smoke didn't affect the embers seem to fall slowly when there gone shown by the sun
The Unicorn And The Invisible Man. (Part 1.) There once was an invisible man and he lived in the woods. The Unicorn And The Invisible Man. (Part 2,4 and 6) The woods were very dark and the man didn't meet many people. Mostly because he was invisible but still he was very shy. He was walking to his favorite lake to go swimming when he came upon a unicorn. It was a very beautiful unicorn but it wasn't playing with any of the others. The man wanted nothing more than to talk to the unicorn, but he couldn't because no one could see him, He was walking away when the unicorn ran to him and asked him why he didn't say hi. The man couldn't believe that she could see him (Part 3 left out)
As they walked along the river together they talked about how great the unicorns new friends where but the man was a little hesitant because they thought he was made up. He came back to the field the next day and the unicorn was crying. He ran to her and asked what was wrong. All of her friends had made fun of her because she really wanted them to meet him. The invisible man told the unicorn that they weren't worth it and they should run away and be together. The unicorn was torn she wasn't sure if she could leave behind the meadow and all of her friends. She finally had the life she had wanted and was upset that the man had asked her to leave it all behind. She understood that he had helped her get to where she was but didn't want to give it up. She asked the man to return to this spot in one week. During the week the unicorn spent most of the time playing with her new friends. The man wanted to go and clear his mind. He went on a great walk around the world. He returned to the spot a week later to find the unicorn with a friend.
The man was confused and asked the unicorn what was going on. She didn't say anything to him. The other unicorn kept asking why they had to go to the river at this time and that it was stupid. She was finally convinced to leave the river and as she walked away she dropped a note. It said “I'm sorry but having this many friends is to much fun I don't know what to do please give me another week to make up my mind, because of you they all think I'm crazy.” The man didn't know what to think. As he walked away a dark gentlemen approached him. It was a wizard and he had been following him for a while now. The wizard told him of a spell that he had learned that would make the unicorn forget all about him and she could be happy forever. The man knew that if he didn't take the spell she would never be truly happy. The only side affect was he would be invisible to her as well.
(part 5 not found) The man awoke a month later. He was tired and didn't know what to make of what had happened. All he could think about was his unicorn. He ran as fast as he could to the river but in the back of his mind he didn't expect to find her. She was at the river but was with all of her friends. They all seemed happy and the man just wanted to say hi and be on his way. Try as he might she wouldn't respond to anything he was doing. He realized that the spell had worked. As he looked on he saw her smile and it was real. All of her friends where being nice to her, she was frolicking and being a generally happy unicorn. He started to smile. He knew he had made the right choice. He still checks in on her from time to time to make sure she is OK He knows they can never be together and it wouldn't matter anyway because she wouldn't remember him, but she would always be the mans unicorn and he would always love her. -The end. Points of interest.
Suicide. (5/8/03) (journal entry) hey being serious what would I leave behind if I died nothing right? But my life. Don't you wish you could relive days over again. Not to re do but to enjoy. I have had a couple. Like home economics and thong! Lol giving me a hug g2g bye.
(received in 8th grade) Hey babe, First – I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really like you! Lol! Now to what was bugging me! Ummm.... I don't think you will understand, but here it goes. When we weren't going out you were so happy all the time, even if something bad happened with you mom. Then when you asked me out, after you became really crabby and mean and depressed. It really and I'm not over reacting hurt my feelings. I would cry, because I couldn't understand why you were ignoring me and what was wrong. Told me you said you wanted to kill yourself. Is that true!!!? It really scared me.
I know your not that stupid! It has really bugged me. You say “oh I wont be crabby tomorrow” and you are! Last night on the phone I was crying and wanted to hang up but I couldn't because I wanted to know what was wrong. You told me very little. I never want to break up with you, but please try to make the best out of everything I'M SORRY I wouldn't tell you last night, but I felt stupid saying it. And I know you told me, and you can tell me anything anytime when you need too. I won't say anything to anybody. When you need to talk just say something. I know sorta what your going through. It really bothers me that your depressed, it worries me thats all. Your not as fun as you were in and outside of school anymore. I'm pretty sure I know you. And you were never depressed like this, EVER!!!! I know it, it's a fact! Thats what was bugging me. Please talk to me. I can't take your crabbiness anymore unless you talk to me, please! CHEER UP! Always Author 1
In ninth grade I took about a bottle of NyQuil and twenty or so Advil. Before throwing it all up and passing out I told a couple of my friends because I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I had to go to therapy for two years. I tried it two more times after that after high school. Committing suicide is not one of my good skills and I'm very glad of that.
(not blank) (not true) ( )
I honestly don't know whats going on in my head right now. I was just laying in my bed and kept thinking that sentence over and over again. I was thinking of a giant keyboard with people standing on each letter and I was on top of this big podium yelling out the letters for the sentence and they would jump up and type it onto this big screen. I feel as if my life is going down hill. I'm at the bottom of something and I feel as if I'm going to work shit out soon. Honestly I don't want to. I'm not sure if I am afraid to or if I just don't want to change. I wanted to write something here artistic about the bottom of a well and how the brick represent different things in my life building up but I don't give a fuck. I'm not writing this for pity. So if you have given me any take it the fuck back. I don't know why I'm writing it but its not for that. I am incredibly selfish. I have been thinking about suicide lately and the only thing I think about is how people would remember me and how great it would be if people missed me. How they would be sad and upset.
You know who knows maybe I'm just writing this part to get a reaction out of people. “oh why would you write that you know we would miss you” “(my name) a lot of people care about you don't you know that?” maybe thats what I want. Do you hate me for that? I kinda do. Did you just put this down? Walk away from it? “Well fuck that noise this Kid is stupid.” “What a fucking tool he talks about how people are “emo” and he hates that well he is just the same.” I am probably the biggest hypocrite you will ever meet. All I do is lie to everyone and understand my problems but don't fix them. I date every girl I meet. After things start going well I break it off. Mainly it's because I've meet another girl that I could clearly just be friends with but that doesn't matter to me I need to know if they would date me. What it would be like. Then I move on to the next. All of the girls I date that I leave I get extremely jealous of anyone that talks to them and I'll try to date them again so no one can be with them, and so on and so forth.
//I think the main reason for me not killing myself. This is the total and honest truth. Is because I wouldn't be able to see the reactions of people. That made you hate me didn't it? It would make me. (Written in a notebook in 2003) slice slice it feels so right slice slice it feels so nice slice slice I'm going away now slice slice I'm going to roll the dice slice slice I'm dead now and it feels nice All over this page is stained red. I'm telling myself now that its Kool-Aid I spilled but its not. It's sad to think how stupid I was. I take that back I wasn't stupid. How misinformed I was. To think that life was so horrible at fourteen years old. I don't blame anyone but myself I just never really tried to find out. I still have the scar.
I tell people that the scar is from me breaking a mirror when I was younger and it cut me a little. Who wants to tell people that when I was fourteen I tried to kill myself. Thats why I'm telling you now. You can't look at me or say anything its better that way. I might be a coward but honestly I don't care. I still wonder sometimes if it would have been better for me to have just done that and not dealt with most of the stuff I'm sharing in this book, but then I wouldn't of grown or become what I am. That's an obvious statement but what I mean is, would I have been able to regret my decision? Or do people die thinking it was the best thing to do at the time. When I do die of old age I will come haunt you to tell you the answer. I promise.
Attempt at suicide note: Dear people, Please cry a lot so I know that you really cared even though you tell me constantly and I could have just asked.
-yours truly asshole.
Dear people, sorry for that last note -ditto Dear people, make sure I look good.
Sometimes I think about the people in my life that have died and I wonder if they can see what I'm doing. If they know how much of a liar I am. That they look down from where ever they go and say “wow (my name) is like that? I just lost all respect for him” “why the fuck was that person part of my life?” This is not for pity. I promise you. Is it bad that I lock this book away so only people I want can read it while I work on it? Is it bad that when people read this unfinished I want them to read it out loud so I can see why they are laughing or what they think is messed up about the stories? Is it bad that I really wish I could read peoples minds not to know what they are thinking but just so I can see if people think the same way as me? Is it bad that I just asked all these questions rhetorically because I obviously won't be there when you read any of these and you won't find me to give me the answers.
There is no question mark at the end of the last sentence. (Written Recently. Never Sent.) Just remember no matter how this ends. I'm going to hold your hand and I'm going to look into your eyes and tell you how beautiful you really are. I'm going to give you my heart. These loves letters you will never been mailed, and that makes them all the more true. I don't have to worry about being nervous with you reading them. Don't get me wrong I'm not over here fantasizing some huge romantic home coming, but it will be more an awkward hello. If it doesn't go anywhere from there fuck it we're young dammit.
After that lovely section I have decided to tell everyone in my life how I really feel in the form of letters. I'm sorry to anyone who is offended by the truth or if it's blatantly obvious who these are to.
1 of 8 in no particular order of importance.
Honestly I don't know where to start with you. I would say I've been in love with you sense the first day we meet but thats just not true. You wouldn't believe how the thought of coming home to you got me through basic even though I would never tell you that. I do love you now though. Will we ever be together? No. That doesn't make me as upset as it used to. The fact that you don't know I love you does though. I wish I could just tell you how I feel but why should I ruin our nearly non existent friendship. I think the main reason why I haven't is because your still with him. I just don't understand how you can tell me every time we talk that you wish you weren't. I didn't know that it was possible to stay with someone for so long while not actually being in love with them. Do you remember the time that I ca d
s mind and l ld coo a l another ents house but you s and they er m? I will always remember that. I will still always do anything for you. I will still buy you pointless things you don't understand. I will still try to introduce you to new things and help you open up. Not to change you but because I think you deserve something new every once in a while. Will you even read this? Will you still remember the places we went after I stop talking to you for no reason? I doubt it. With all the love you'll never know about, (my name)
2 out of 8 Dear ,
I think that you are a bitch. I still think about you all the time though. Most of it is shit that I've made up in my head to hate you more. I would talk about past experiences we have had but this whole letter would just be a giant blank mark. You will never read this I know that for a fact. What the fuck was wrong with you? You made me fucking dfdfdfdfdfdfd ry and thr f fe! Well I feel better for saying that. To be honest you aren't worth the time for me to finish this. Do you remember SOTF? God that was stupid. Our song was the most ironic piece of shit ever. It didn't happen until you left. I drank root beer before I did that. Is that sign still somewhere on the road? The cat always hated you. Son of a bitch.
3 of 8
Do you ever even think about me anymore? Does he know about any of what happened? Do you know that sometimes I want to call him and tell him? Did any of what we did even matter or was I just a good fuck? I still think about you. I want you to tell him so badly. Not to fuck shit up, but with all your preaching and being such a good person you would think that you would do the same. Do your friends know? Do you still have me in your phone as what I think you do? Do you know that whenever I think about my its ruined now because I meet you? Fuck your chair! Drugs are a waste of time and your ruining yourself. Do you know that I thank you constantly because you got me back into art? Do you know that I tell everyone our secret and they aren't surprised? The funny thing is it's because it was with you and they wouldn't put it past you to do that. Does that piss you off? Does it make you
mad that I tell people what happened between us? Does it make you mad because you know you shouldn't be mad because I tell them the entire story not just my side? Do you still have half the shit I gave you? Your still in my phone the same way. Are you happy because your letter is the longest so far? Your cookies taste horrible. Did you know I almost put those pictures of you on the Internet when everything went to shit? No I don't have them anymore. I actually printed them out just so I could burn them. Are you afraid people might figure out who this is and tell someone? Does your father know what you do yet? Do you remember when it was way to cold for what we were doing one time? You were never just a quick fuck for me. You where a lot of things that you probably shouldn't have been to me, but I want you to know you were never a fuck. I know I used to say it but it felt weird to say it any other way. I don't even have to ask you if you felt it was more than that. I know you did at one point. I hope you've cleaned your car by now. Later lady, (my name)
4 of 8 Dear ,
that about sums it up, (my name)
Points of interest. (received in 8th grade) (my name). I guess we had a rocky plane ride. I cried too. Please call me at my home cell phone @ (phone number) if it is not on leave a message I want to talk. Whats going on between me and you? I am not trying to nag you, but...ya know please call!!!! this whole trip was a roller coaster ride huh? I had a great time in the lobby with u(turn page) until you said those words “I think I don't like you” anyway hey maybe we can hang out, as friends if you want. Call tomorrow. You might be doing something but call anyway. I guess or I will talk to you tomorrow I hope Always Author 1
Points of interest.(cont. Part 15) Dreams. I once had a three day dream. I woke up and went to school and came back went to bed and started the dream again in the same place I had left off the night before. The town I lived in was flooded and my friend and I found a canoe and paddled around finding survivors. It was very interesting. I've never been able to think about what I want to dream about and then dream it. I recently had a dream that I was in the car with one of my ex girlfriend's father. I was helping him drink coffee out of a cup for some reason. I don't really understand any of it but he was nice about me helping him.
The boy and the Cape. (if you think you have any idea of what this story is about I can guarantee your wrong.) There once was a boy and he always wanted to have super powers. Everyone that was older than him had them. They had gotten them around the same age that he was so any day now he was waiting for them. He had heard that having a cape was a great way to achieve the super powers he wanted. So he decided to go and look for one instead of just waiting for it to fall in his lap. One day the boy was surfing the Internet while he was on the phone. He didn't know the person on the phone very well but she had promised him super powers so why not talk to her. She told the boy where to go and he started to talk to someone who was just giving away a cape. The boy couldn't believe it. They talked for many days about the details of the exchange of nothing for a cape. It was a beautiful red made from some of the finest silk the boy had seen. The ropes on the end of the cape used to tie around your neck where woven with such brilliance it didn't seem like
it was humanly possible. They were strong yet soft and didn't hurt the skin when they rubbed against it. He had to have it. The boy and the mystery woman decided to meet so he could inspect it further and decide, but at this point the boy already knew he wanted it. They meet at a carnival of people next to a carousel. It was filled with the smells of new clothes, apple pie, sneakers and floor wax. He saw her and the cape. The boy needed to be a man. They talked over a piece of apple pie and she was very lovely, he couldn't believe how nice this girl was. She was willing to give away her cape for free and she was the most beautiful this the boy had seen. The girl was wearing the cape and he couldn't wait to try it on and tell all his friends about what amazing powers he had now, but there was a catch. The boy had to leave everything he had ever known behind. His name, friends, and morals to list a few. He didn't know that he would have to sacrifice so much just to get the cape. He now understood why the cape was free.
He decided that once he got the cape he would be able to leave the girl and go back to what he had so he left it at the carnival. Most people didn't recognize the boy now. He was dressed in odd clothing the girl had told him to wear. He didn't talk the same. He wasn't interested in toys or cartoons. All he longed for was the cape and was doing everything he had to, to get it. She made the boy try all sorts of drugs and listen to music he had never heard of. He had no choice she was destroying him and building him into something he never thought he could be. This went on for a year and the boy didn't know who he was anymore. One day the boy had enough and realized the cape wasn't worth what he was becoming. He told the girl enough was enough and he was going back to his old life with or without the cape he didn't care. The girl cried and cried and cried. She never stopped crying so the boy took the cape and ran. He ran until he could anymore and he just laid there waiting for her to show up and take it back. She never came.
He didn't run from the drugs. He didn't run from the music. He didn't run from the change. He had his cape and he wore it everyday. The red faded and the rope frayed. It was just a cheap rag towards the end. Many years later he flew to the girls house. He was much older now and he wasn't a boy. The cape looked much shorter on him now. They talked and shared apple pie. They couldn't look each other in the eyes the same anymore but the connection of the past was still there. The smell of pie never really left but the floors needed to be waxed badly. The End
Points of interest: Questions Asked Of Me. What Was The Nicest Thing You've Ever Done For Someone? “Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful.” I am an average person. I have done the few things people do that are nice and ordinary. I've driven out of my way to pick someone up, bought that something my friend couldn't quite afford at the moment, bought a homeless person some coffee and given them a pack of butts and everything in between that is the social norm. I am not extraordinary and it is hard for me to talk about myself in a good light. As it is for most people I would assume. I can think of one thing that was romantic and nice in a way.* I don't know if I would consider it the nicest thing ever but it is what came to mind when I read the question.
*Note that like most of my letters, writings, and rants this does not have a happy ending but I feel like it hits the point. There was a girl I knew a long time ago. She was full of life and love. She had the most wonderful way about her where she could make anything beautiful with her brush. She was an amazing artist it just seemed to flow out of her. She had friends and a few lovers but often complained of not having that one moment. That one thing to tell her kids about. She like most of our generations had been sucked in by the notebook, MTV love stories, horrible romantic comedies, and it didn't help that she was in high school. She felt like she needed that moment for her life to move on from the high school flings she had. She wanted her John Cusack moment, she wanted Jake Ryan from sixteen candles to be her boyfriend and carry her off into her dream. I decided to give her that moment.
We had become some what of friends over the summer and she had complained like most girls that she hadn't even gotten flowers before. I would pick flowers from the ground and such while we where walking around but she would say it wasn't the same they were from me. (She was just so lovely right?) I would laugh it off and try to understand how that could even make sense to her but there is no point in trying to understand women. Trust me. I thought about how I would give her the moment. How I would change her life around and I finally figured it out. I would get her flowers everyday for a year. Obviously I had figured out that she didn't want them from me so I figured the secret admirer approach would work. (Now I wasn't trying to trick her into thinking she had one when she didn't. I liked her very much. I just knew she wanted it to be that kind of romantic that you don't hear about everyday and when you do, you wish it had happened to you.)
It started off small I left her a single flower on her door step or on her car every morning before school. No roses nothing like that and no notes. Just flowers from a store, off an apple tree, and even some a strangers garden. Her house was on the way to school so it was easy. At fist I didn't think she noticed. We had become closer friends and she never brought it up. It was a set back but I kept going. A few months in I stopped by her house to see if she wanted to go out for a bit. The door was open so I let myself in and walked upstairs. She happened to be in the shower and told me to make myself at home in her room. There on her wall was a huge canvas she had painted. All over it where the flowers I had given her so far. Some dried, some painted, some covered I glue to keep the beauty they had the moment she had gotten the.
I asked her about it and she just blushed and said oh nothing someone has been leaving me flowers. I don't know who he never leaves notes. I am excited every morning to wake up. I was glad and wanted to tell her right then in there. IT WAS ME! I AM THAT GUY! I AM HERE NOW HUG ME, KISS ME, LOVE ME LET ME TAKE YOU AWAY! Instead I said that it was very interesting and we went out for coffee. I made it the whole year without telling her. I began to hide them. Set them under her windshield wipers, set them in her mail box, and stick them under the door so she might not notice right away. I meant every flower I gave her. I meant every little peddle. In the beginning it was a way for me to get her to notice I was there. In a small part to give her that moment. At the end I was just doing it for her. She wanted it so bad. I wanted her morning to be like a movie every day.
Finally a year later I was ready for the big finish. That close up of the camera, the sappy music, the long hug and finish with a kiss. I left her one final flower with a note to meet her secret admirer down the road in an hour. She showed up looking gorgeous. In one of the most beautiful sun dresses I have ever seen. She had a way to be beautiful is so many ways and do it so simply. I was standing there sweating bullets with my dozen roses. It felt like I was melting. I will never forget her face when she put it all together. When she realized what I was and what I had done. It wasn't like a movie it wasn't anything other than disappointment. She wanted it to be someone else. Who? I never bother asking and to be honest I don't think she knew either. Just not me. It was awkward for the next few months and the flowers stopped. We talk every now and then but not like we had before and that friendship will never be the same.
The point though is that we have the same friends and I hear the story about the flowers for a year constantly. She leaves out the bit about me. Just likes to end it that after a year she got a letter that said your welcome and she still doesn't know who its from. If you ask her now she won't talk about it. She will tell you it didn't happen. I don't know why. Like I said before women are tricky. The point though. The real point is that she had her moment. Even if its a bit tainted with me. Tainted with the fact that she didn't get that close up and the happy ending like ALL OF US imagine. (Yes we all do it sometimes) even though she didn't get that she still has her story. She still has the year of mystery, hope, romance, anticipation, desire, and every little emotion you could throw in there. I gave her that. I made that possible and I wanted nothing from it. I did tell her it was me yes. I did have that dozen roses. I was in the horrible tie.
In the end though I just wanted her to be happy. For one of her dreams to come true. That is what I think the nicest thing I did for someone was. I guess. What Is The Worst Thing You Have Ever Done To Someone? I think the worst thing that I have ever done in my opinion is how I have treated women in the past. All the little lies and the way I can win over a heart. It actually makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it sometimes. The thing is though at the time I meant it all. In the back of my head somewhere I wanted to believe the things I said. How I would give them the world, how charming I was, how they were the only one for me. In reality though I just needed them. I needed them to want me and to like me. I needed that pseudo relationship that wasn't ever really there.
I wanted to hold all the hands in the world, I wanted a kiss from every lip, I wanted every heart to belong to me and for some reason that eludes me now. Like I said. “Just because someone may have a way with words, a bit of charm and some cheesy ass smile you see in the movies doesn't mean you should follow them to the end of the world.” I meant that. I was mad when I wrote it but I know now I wrote it about myself. I want a relationship I want something real, but so long ago I just need instant satisfaction. Nothing sexual although that did come along with it. It's hard to put this because I don't want to be blunt and say I made girls just fall in love with me for the hell of it. In the long run that is true and I guess if I want to be honest I need to own up to that. I never had bad intentions behind it. Honestly
At some point something happened to me. I don't want to place blame. I don't want to just say to have a crutch to lean on. I don't want a way out of the blame but I do think something made me act this way. I just don't know what. One of my shitty relationships? How I was used for way to many things in the past by other girls? Yes no maybe I don't really know. All I do know is that I was I am an asshole. I am a charming asshole. I am trying to do things for the right reasons now. I feel like I am forcing myself to grow up and it is just getting all bunched up and confused into some mess of a man that doesn't really know where he is going in life. I have spats and spurts of maturity and then sink down into childhood again. I long for the days of playing in the snow and dreading school. Waking up early to watch the news for delays and chasing girls around the playground because I had cooties.
At some point I am going to really need to wake up from all of this. To look around with my eyes open this time and understand where and who I am. I am just to much of a coward to do it completely yet, but I am trying. Ask anyone and they will tell you they have seen a change in me. That is as real as anything but I think there are still bits of that asshole left. To all the girls I have had. I am sorry. Not for what I said or the manor in which I said it. Because trust me dear. I meant every single damn word. I just didn't mean it all at once and for that I am sorry. So in short. That is the worst thing I have ever done. In my opinion.
Relationships (cont.) I believe that I shouldn't work on this when I'm in a “mood” I'm afraid it will make this book to hard to understand and I'm pretty sure its almost to that point anyway. I think that I am a fixer boyfriend. Not in the sense that I am a project or girls see me and think they can make me better or fix my problems in anyway. When I meet people I try not to come off that way and it seems like its easy to get to know me. I'm a fixer boyfriend in the way that you date me for a while and I will fuck up some how and keep it from you. After you finally find out you will be so upset because you thought I was such a nice person you will learn and never let anyone treat you like shit. The main reason for this is because a lot of my ex's have thanked me.
I quote “I don't want this to come off as bitchy or rude, but the fact that I let someone like you treat me that way for that long taught me that I should never let anyone be that way and now I've found someone and because of you our relationship is the best I've ever had so thank you for being a complete ass hole and fuck up to show me that I can do a lot better and deserve it. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't respect myself.” (LETTER NOT TO BE INCLUDED IN THE COUNT) Dear Every Girl I’ve Ever Talked To, I’m sorry for how I act and who I led you on to think I am. I’ve changed since then, but I’ve changed before that and I’ll change again. It doesn’t mean much. I may say charming things but don’t be fooled you’ll get sick of me you girls always seem to do that. You are beautiful like I say, and I do want to hold your hand. In that moment the things I say mean so much and are true.
Don’t hold it against me that I’ve had these moments with other people before you it happens and with my luck I’ll have these moments after you. It’s life but what can we do? We have our moments and we should cherish them but instead we fight and bicker about things that in twenty years won’t mean anything. For some reason you find it necessary to bring it up and your never wrong, none of you are. One day I will be right in a fight. I don’t even want that day to come. I don’t see the need for a conversation to ever be sour. All it amounts to is more shit that never mattered being dug up. All I’d like is a nice chat. A “How’ve you been?” and a “It was great see you to I’ll see you later.” and actually see me later. All of our songs, inside jokes, way we laugh at nothing, long car drives, dirty apartments, nights of to much drinking, and waking up and not wanting to move so we can spend the whole day together mean everything.
The truth of the matter though is those things will happen with other people. Better and worse people. The point of a relationship to me is to find a friend you want to share those things with. They happen all the time but not with everyone. Its much more than a hand shake or a hug. Appreciate what you have for the moment with someone and understand nothing is perfect and nothing is always different. Be happy with who you are with now and don’t hate them because they’ve been with other people. Thats life and life is fluid. It repeats and washes it self away and is new again. Whatever you do don’t fight it. Whatever you do just live for the moment. All we have is now. Forget about the bills, or the way he dresses, or how he leaves his socks around, or how he’s held other girls hands, or how he’s told someone else is beautiful, how he has looked into someones eyes and said I love you, or how he has spent nights up just thinking about another girl.
In the time it took you to read this sentence the earth just traveled 100,000 miles. We are never in the same part of the our lives let alone the universe for more than a second. The past is gone and we will never be there in that exact moment again. We will not breathe the same or think what we did at that exact moment. The past is the past and the future is something we are hurdling forward to pass in a second. Every kiss is gone in an instant but they mean everything right then. My goal is to find someone who is ready to spend the next hundred years kissing me and holding my hand knowing it’ll be gone in a second but knowing we have the rest of our lives to do it so many more times.
I cheat when I don't mean to. I honestly don't think about my actions until they have passed. It makes me a horrible person but no one knows. There are maybe three people I haven't lied to in my entire life. I have kept my promise in the beginning though and not lied in this entire book. So for the other four people that read this consider yourself lucky if you want to call it that. Is it bad that I wish it was my kid?
5 of 8 Dear
I can't even believe how long ago that was. You make me feel old in the most wonderful way. We have gone from stealing kisses in between listening for parents footsteps. To being young in a big world talking every now and then. I don't think we ever would of thought back then that in seven years. I would be across the world fighting for something I'm not sure I believe in and you would be off being beautiful somewhere in a city that doesn't deserve you. Times change a lot of things but we have always stayed close. Unlike most girls I didn't chase you down constantly after we were over. Could've been that I was only fourteen and didn't think much of us at the time but we can pretend it was something bigger. You have been my closest friend from that moment on. I can't even say a lot about our relationship has made me who I am today. Everything did and maybe I made you a little bit who you are today as well.
Other than . Sorry about that. From the music, to the clothes, to the ass whooping I got because of you. When I think of you I seem to come upon one memory and it isn't even from when we were dating. It was about six years later. You stayed over my apartment for about a week. We were sharing the bed the most innocent of ways. For some reason my bed was in the living room surrounded by windows and it was to bright to be asleep. You had a white shirt on that I honestly don't know where you got and where sound asleep. My damn cat woke me up by moving the curtain enough to have the sun go in my eyes. You were laying on my arm snoring horribly. At that moment I knew I loved you and it wasn't just fourteen year old love. But the reason I bring this up is because it wasn't get down on one knee kinda love either. (for some reason explaining it that way sounds a bit like fourteen year old love.)
It was the love that felt safe, secure, and far to real for a friend. I knew with you drooling on my arm, futon bars digging into my back that we would always be apart of the others lives. I'm not sure why I needed to spell that out so clearly or why you would need to know the details of that day. With you its never the same story. Its always an adventure. The last time I saw you when I had to leave I cried in the car. I feel as though I am rambling because I know you will read this so I will end it like this. Your beauty trumps all. You are my dearest friend. I would go to the ends of the earth for you and I know without a doubt you'd do the same. I love you in the most innocent of ways. Maybe it is fourteen year old love. Innocent and pure with out being jaded with all of life's lessons. Whatever it is it's there and I just wanted you to know it.
Always yours, (My Name)
6 of 8 (or) 3/4ths of the way done. Dear ,
Like I said you are the only person to really “get me” in a way. We don't have to say much to understand the exact thing we are talking about and I love that. I know I don't come to you much with my problems and that's mostly because , but trust me I know you are always there and I am grateful. We have had our rough bits here and there but is what happens when kids grow up. You never ran out though you always just kept there and always had a funny thing to say and make me smile or a shoulder to cry on. Honestly I can not thank you enough for that so I won't try but just know I am thankful. Your guidance through life has been amazing. The ability to just let me figure things out on my own has helped me a lot. I am in no way saying you left me out to dry but you always knew when to back off a bit and let me find my footing.
You always had a “screw 'em” attitude and that rubbed off on me a lot. I learned to not care what people think and just do things for myself and not worry if I may be a bit different. You showed me not to be afraid of myself and to just do what I needed or felt I could do. You helped me know I was who ever I wanted to be. Don't think I forgot about the music. If it wasn't for you I don't know what I would listen to or if I would of even gotten into playing an instrument later on down the road. Driving in that black car listening to Queen are some the best memories I have from my childhood. Lastly you were my friend. I have never and probably ever have as open conversations with someone else as I am able to with you. Doesn't matter the topic I can always come to you and you will know the right words to say. So thank you for the hugs, bed times stories when you where far away, the kisses, the laughs and the memories. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.
7 of 8 Dear ,
You never did teach me how to you know. I did figure it out but it wasn't a fun process. Now whenever I shave I feel the most like a man you could say. I figured it out all by myself it was my first big accomplishment growing up. I don't want you to think you didn't teach me anything though. I could and still can go to you whenever I need a question answered or need to know how to do something. I'm not sure if its because you are what you are to me or because you are just a man but you always seem to know. I don't think I could ever think of you as just a man though. You will always be that one thing I aspire to be. The one goal I have for me and to be for my kids. Most times when I am stuck with a hard decision I just try to figure out what you might say or do and base my decision off of that. Even though we don' talk much you still give me advice to this day.
You don't speak much but when you do I always listen even if it doesn't seem like it. When I was younger it was your dumb stories, silly jokes and simply advice. Now as I am older its your stern warnings, more inappropriate jokes, and the thing I like the best when you just talk to me like I am one of the guys. Now I know I am much to old to be happy about that last one but it's still nice. More and more being over here I am realizing I am like you a lot. With my smart ass comments that just come to me or my ability to calm down situations and make decisions easily. I know that a part of that is me and who I am but I see a lot of your advice and comments coming from my mouth now. I can not tell you how much I appreciate that. If for one second I could affect someones life like you did with me like you still do. I think I would be happy. People do look up to me from time to time and I like to think I have you to thank for that. I look forward to getting to know you more as an adult now. I look forward to having a beer with you when I get back and just shooting the shit.
I look forward to just sitting and not talking but still understating the conversation we are having. I love you.
I keep wondering if people will be angry when they read this then I laugh. I know in the back of my head that I will never publish this. This book is a conversation with myself at the best. Sometimes I will show it to people but never on a scale that I would like. I am deathly afraid of what people will say.
(No one is actually reading this)
(letter received in 2009 found in trash of car. Smells like coffee and shit) (my name) I kind of feel like an idiot for writing this, but I guess at the end of the day I've got nothing to lose. I guess I finally came to the realization that if you want something badly enough, then its worth taking the risk of getting hurt, because by doing nothing you gain nothing. “tonight, you'll see, the things that mean the most are painted in uncertainty” - Traces David I know I told you I wanted nothing to do with you, but in all honestly its only because thats how hurt I am. I'm sorry for never opening up as much as you would have liked, you never knew, never could have known, that I let you in more than anyone else. I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone else. Ironically I never really told you that because I was so afraid of getting hurt that I pushed you away, exactly what I said you were doing to me.
Relationships have never really been my forte. I've never cared enough to put much effort into it. I've certainly never tried to get anyone back, but I'll beat myself up forever if I don't try now. “if I could say all the right words I know I could make you stay, if I could say all the right words, things would work out alright” - The Offspring Maybe I'm way out of line here but for once I need to be honest about how I feel, even if it is a little late, and despite the possibility of making a fool of myself in the process. For the first time I actually want to keep someone around in my life, I want you. You are the only person who can make me laugh no matter how upset or angry I am, you're the only person I want there when I need a hug, someone to talk to, or just take my mind off of things.
I love being around you, going on aimless trips to wal-mart or watching avatar: the last air bender for hours on end. The last thing I think about before I fall asleep at night is you, and I don't ever want that to change. I think I could fall in love with you, or I already have, either way I want to find out. I know you were really hurt by , in your shoes I'd never trust anyone again. I'm not , and I'm asking you to give me a fair shot, to stop shutting me out and give me a real chance. “see all you have to do now is please try, give it your best shot and try... I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you I'm not over you” - The Spill Canvas I'm sorry for playing hard to get all the time, and playing it off like I wasn't that into you. I was just afraid of letting go, and I'm sorry for not reassuring you that the guys I talk to and hang out with didn't mean anything to me. Truthfully they could never compare to you, ever.
“the worst is over, you can have the best of me” -The starting line The thought of you being with some other bitch girl absolutely kills me. I'm sorry but she doesn't deserve you, and she certainly can't care about you even a fraction as much as I do. “i don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now” -Oasis So what it all comes down to is if you care for me at all, tell me. I'm willing to try again with the relationship aspect but for now I can't be friends with you, it would hurt to much. “my heart is yours to fill with trust, break or lose, or wear proudly whichever you prefer” - Dashboard Confessionals I miss you
Points of interest: Kids/sex/sex/sex I've had a lot of relationships that have gotten serious on my side or the other or both. If you haven't realized that I jump into things whole heartedly every time then you need to read this book over again. The topic of kids has come up quite a few times. I've almost had a few, some that I wasn't aware of until it was to late. Would I of had the kids? Well not when I was fourteen but thats just a different story and different life completely but when I was seventeen or eighteen yeah I would have. Unfortunately I was never told of even having the option until it was to late. I will not turn this book or this section into some debate over the “other option” all I will say is that in some cases that happened in others it was just a natural occurrence probably because they were way to young to be having a kid anyway.
(received in 8th grade) Dear (my name) Hey last night was fun. I know you are confused so am I. But I know that I like you. And I am not confused about that. What happened last night? Did you mean it? Do you like me or no? You said you did, then you said you didn't. I love talking to you, and last night was soooo cool! You are really the only boy I know who I can talk to. In my book your perfect. I really want to talk more, and during the end of vacation maybe my sister will take us to see a movie or something. Please call my phone I really want to talk @ (phone number) its my phone so I will be the only one to answer it. I had fun today with you too. Please call don't be shy. PLEASE DON'T SHOW THIS NOTE TO ANYONE!!!! Always author 1.
I've named a few of them before. It doesn't make them anymore real but its nice to have named them. I don't know how good of a father I would be. Hopefully I could teach them about things and they wouldn't grow up to be some of the people I dislike now, but even if they did I know I would love them. I think that I lost my virginity way to young. Sex is sometimes boring to me now, but it is a necessity and gets me into a lot more trouble than I need. When I was younger I felt that I had grown up to fast. It wasn't the truth but the way I acted in relationships made me think I was an adult. At thirteen I love you is a powerful word. It can make you think that you know everything there is to know and everyone is wrong when they tell you that you don't. One of the most frustrating things I've had to deal with is being so blinded by the idea of being happy forever that you don't see the honest truth. The fact that people can tell you what is going to happen in a relationship just doesn't make sense to you at the time. Even if they have been through it before.
History does repeat itself even in the smallest forms. I went through that period of denial several times and have finally learned my lesson. Somethings though you can only learn through mistakes. (another attempt at poetry circa 2004 about childhood) Cars don't make the jumps trains run off the tracks marbles and cars stay still the slant has to many crack dry spells and floods I love yous and whats their names the parties were great but some people never came musics always louder on my side sometimes thats all it takes but no matter how loud I can still hear my mistakes some shows rough crowds bad experiments in smoke and brain I could never fly with gravity that day it didn't feel like it would be put on again.
I feel as though I'm rambling now and I hate to push ideals or thoughts of life on to anyone. So the way I have learned to live life is one day at a time. This is not a new thought process to human life or anyone but it is one that works. I've thought for a long time and I can honestly say I have no regrets. I hate somethings from my past. I wish they hadn't happened some days, but in the long run I am stronger for them. I may have trust issues or other things wrong with me, but who wants to live a life of happiness all of the time. Would you be happy not knowing what love is. What I'm saying is love is not always fun. I hate saying love because it's a word that I feel can't have a definition. Yes its a feeling for someone that is strong but I don't believe that its the same feeling felt by everyone. I've lost this thought. Try to find something good out of any situation.
(2002) I've had to learn That what you love can burn A flame of light Too, too bright Attracted to it like a moth It tricks you into diving in to fast You get burned The scar always lasts If your smart and go slow Going deeper And deeper with care Your skin will come out bare Love will not hurt if your slow But be careful the further you go The hotter it gets The more it burns But the closer you get The less the flame has to breathe To smother it Is to kill the love If you find the middle of the flame You've won the game True love is tolerance of the pain When at the end there is nothing to gain But at least you will leave sane
The only part of that poem I like is “true love is tolerance of the pain” I don't think that I actually understood “true love” at thirteen nor do I think I do now. I don't know how I feel about actually talking about a poem I put into this book so I will only briefly touch on it. I know that I like to read old poems, and notes and such things from the past. I like remembering how I felt back then and if I still have the same feelings and morals as my thirteen year old self. I don't. I once received a present that I had to solve a riddle to receive. The riddle was. “What is a ouroboros that failed its test.”
Wednesday June 7th, 2007 Dear (my name) I love you so much I can't believe I almost lost you. I traded my car in order to go to your graduation. I know it's important to you for me to be there and like I told you before I'll do anything for you. You are my one and only love. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I am so sorry. Jesus I can't stop crying! I miss you so much already. We can make it through though. We will have so much to celibate on the 7th. You turning eighteen, living together, thirteen months, living together in general. God I miss you so much right now that it hurts me. I just counted on my calender, four weeks and July 4th! (my name)! I won't miss your birthday! Today after you left my life went downhill. Then I heard your voice and instantly thought of all the reasons why I am happy you are in my life. First being that no matter what, you do love me, and convince me that you'll always be there. I love you so much. I can't wait to live the rest of my life wrapped up inside your arms. I regret every fight. All the anger. You hold my heart (my name). And I cant wait until the day when I can call myself your wife. I am so happy to be yours always and forever.
I've realized that most of the notes in this thing are either sad or complimenting me. I'm not trying to play the victim card or make myself out to seem like an amazing person. I'm not at all. This isn't me being sad, or me wanting you to feel bad for me. I honestly don't think that I am as amazing as these notes make me out to be. I don't however think of myself as horrible. I chose them because I either found them or wished to share them with you. These notes belong to people. They felt that way at one time. Everyone one of them was true and honest but that does not mean its true today. If you could go back with all the knowledge of how a relationship would end would you still act the same way? At some point we find love. At some point we lose it. That is obvious. Never say never and never say forever.
I once got a gift that was beautifully made. It was pieces of cardboard covered in pictures to make it look like a mural. You could fold it up to wallet size. It had pictures to remind me of the relationship. I found it recently and ripped it up. I was looking through the remains of it and found a secret note. It was glue underneath all of the pictures “(Mr. Full name) I will love you until the day I die.” <3 BLANK I then discovered that the person had written all of the lyrics to our song on the other side and glued paper over them so it was hard to see unless you held it up to the light. I guess the lessoned learned is don't take the small things for granted. It didn't matter that I found it three years after the fact. It mattered that it was there and I never found it when those feelings were true.
“made for you...because you are just wonderful...i hope you like this...its made with love...LOL. So just love it back, because nothing but love is recorded onto this CD.” “Roses are red, violets are blue, ill make you some broccoli, if you get the flu, and take you to Denny's, one table for two, because I love you, you silly Jew.” (heart) HAPPY SEVEN MONTHS!!!!
Points of interest. This book I'm still trying to figure out what this is. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with it. I'm still considering the fact that it is just a long note to myself. For a while I thought it was a very elaborate suicide note but I'm pretty sure that people would get sick of it and put it down. I think that people will do that anyway. Sex. The people who have read this book have said nothing but good things but I think thats because they are friends. Some are crazy, tall, short, have no hair, have glasses, not crazy, insightful, have boobs, or have boobs but not those kind of boobs. The common fact still stands though they are friends. I want someone to read this that doesn't give a fuck what I think. Maybe thats you. By the time anyone reads this I will be dead or in the sand somewhere. The fact is its hard to get mail to both places.
I wanted to tell you how many times I've said that no one will read this book. I wanted to tell you how many times I've written things down here and deleted them. I don't think that matters. I hope you understand that this is not something I am proud of. This book shows what I am and what I can be. Crazy, cold hearted, mean, and self indulgent. I am not a person that is good to anyone really. I hope you understand that I second guess myself constantly. If I come off as confident I am not. I can assure you of this. I hope you keep reading this knowing all of this information. I hope you know I am still a coward.
Points of interest: I have none. I've written the sentence “I'm going to just kill myself and have one of my friends publish this as a suicide note to the world.” a few times this past week. I then delete it, and I'll end up writing it down again later on. I am a coward. Why I'm telling you this? I don't know. I understand the fact that I won't be there when you read this obviously. What I meant was I don't know why I put it down when I could have easily just deleted it and never talked about it.
I am lazy. I am tired. I ache. I am a complainer. I have bad skin. I lie to much. I am a hypocrite. I never think before I do. I don't have glasses that fit. I care about what people think to much. I am complacent. I honestly think this is a waste of time. I miss things I shouldn't. I am a coward.
I once drove by a sign that said “hot dogs next left” I didn't go to it. I wanted to but I didn't. The fact that I wanted to go to it but didn't felt relevant at the time and I thought I should put it down here. I honestly can't think of why now. I think maybe it was because I need to live my life the way I want. I don't need to worry about what people think and I do often. Not about this book for some reason. I didn't even want a hot dog. I just wanted to see what it was. Amazingly I still have not lied in this book. I lie to people still though. People I don't know. People I've known for a while. People that it wouldn't matter if I told them the truth or not, but I haven't lied to you. I want things all at once and I get mad at myself when I can't get them. If I do get them I instantly don't want them and hate myself for having it. I just deleted a sentence and I will not put it back here. I wish I could go back to those hot dogs.
I have finally decided what I'm going to put as the cover of this book. Clearly I said that the cover of this book would be yellow but I didn't want it to just be a straight color I wanted a picture and I've decided. I thought I should point out when seeing as we are a year and a half into this book now.
Points of interest: (a letter that is the opposite of anything that has been in this) “(my name) I'm sorry about tonight. I may have had a small panic attack but your continuing to speak helped me through it. As much as I wanted to be the one who helped you get over your . It is ridiculous for me to think that I'm actually that girl. Basically I'm sitting here politely waiting for you to tell me I'm not enough. I just don't want to do the wrong thing and have you run away. I know you can't go far but you can hurt me. Sometimes I think you are the most immature person I have ever met. Then in the blink of an eye you can be the most mature/logical person I know. (my name) you mean a great deal to me and I guess I constantly feel like I'm doing everything wrong and I'm not good enough. If you say that's false then that is something I personally need to get over and am sorry for.
I always date older, way older guys so I assumed I knew what a mature relationship was... but apparently I was wrong. You've really helped show me that. I can promise I'm going to mess up again and that I will do the wrong thing, but it wont ever be intentional and I always learn from my mistakes. I will always try to fix anything I've done wrong and I will never intentionally hurt you. I'm really lucky you care about me as much as you do, and I want to make sure you know how much I appreciate that. I may shrug it off or make it seem like its not a big deal but it is. Very few people give a damn what happens to me and I'm glad your one. You are caring, adorable, loving, kind, sweet and surprising and I will never forget. -(heart)
Things I have done: -lied -shot at something alive -rappelled -smoked pot -done acid -done drugs -made an ass of myself -payed off debts -gone to a concert -driven a standard car -gotten stupid tattoos -smoked cigarettes -cried -been scared for my life -peed in a dress -peed on the dress -bought a typewriter -held something while it died -lost money -wrote a song -sang to someone -burned something down (not finished)
Movies I have watched -Imaginary Hero's -Good Morning Vietnam -The last Starfighter -Full Metal Jacket -Most chick flicks (because I was dragged to them) -Every Clint Eastwood western -The Squid And The Whale -The Dangerous Lives Of Alter Boys -Ghost World -Jakob the liar -What dreams may come -The Tin Man -Winter Passing
(can't be finished)
Thursday Junes 8th, 2007 Dear (my name) I miss you. I cant wait to see you today. I want to kiss you so badly. I miss your warm touch. I want so badly to wake up next to you. I slept last night in the “kill your T.V.” t-shirt just because it still smelt like you. Bring me another shirt next time I see you. That way a little part of you will always be with me. I can't wait to see you on your birthday! I am only allowed to drive the car to and from work though. So unfortunately you'll have to pick me up. I'll give you gas money. I promise. Baby I love you so much. You are the reason I still live, the reason why I wake up every morning, the reason I can smile in the worst of times. I can't wait to move out and start and amazing new life with you. I think about what my life would be like if you weren't in it and I get so sad. I can't help but cry. Love is like air, love is all you need. In other words you are all I need. You are my one. My love. You give me life and hope and peace. I don't know how I could live without you in my life, and I don't want to find out. I am more in love with you than anything. I want to be with you forever. Always and forever, all my love.
\Goat (my first bedtime story) There once was a goat named Henry. He loved to go for long runs and walks as well. Henry was an amazing goat he was full of life and loved everyday. He was about average size for a goat of course. He had a wonderfully soft coat of fur. It was rich and thick. Henry awoke on a particularly wonderful day and decided to go for a walk. He went over to his dresser and couldn't decide what shorts he should wear. He loved his yellow shorts but they had holes in them, his red shorts they just looked to good and he ate them before he could decided to put them on but that was O.K because his favorite color was blue. The blue shorts he put on were the deepest, richest, most vibrant blue you had seen. Henry was ready for his walk!
He started out at on a brisk run but slowed down to admire the beauty of the country side. While he was walking he found a penny on the ground. It was heads down but he didn't care he put it on his back and they began to walk together. The penny introduced himself as Frank. They began to swap stories with each other as they walked. Henry told frank of shorts that he had eaten, and grass that he had eaten and hay and Frank notice that Henry ate a lot of things. Frank told Henry of how he had been to Vegas and won people lots of money. And how he almost drowned in a fountain because someone was mean and threw him in it. And how he had parachuted off of the empire state building and almost killed someone while falling. Henry was very impressed. After a long time of silence frank said. “Henry I have something to tell you.” Henry said “Frank you can tell me anything you know that we have become very close you and I.” after a long pause Frank said. “Henry I'm not really a penny. I'm so so sorry for lying to you I'm really a nickel.”
Henry couldn't believe it. He yelled “Frank you bastard I'm allergic to nickel!” Henry then began to have a seizure and fell into a coma for many years. Twenty years later Henry awoke from his coma and Frank was waiting at his side. Frank said. “Henry I'm so glad you are OK I'm sorry that I lied to you. “It's alright I forgive you and I love you.” said Henry. “I love you too” said frank. Frank had been so upset that Henry fell ill that he put himself into a trust fund and had gathered a lot of interest. A million dollars in fact. They used the money to get married and they live on a beautiful farm now and Henry can go on his walks and Frank can well just do nickel stuff. -The end.
Points of Interest: A Year Later Most people know or believe that time is relative. I am not going to touch on who thought of this theory if you know you know and if you don't then if your bored look it up. Its weird to me even knowing this that a year to a child is so different compared to a year as an adult. Its still measured in days and months and holidays, but instead of getting excited for Christmas like I did when I was a kid. I now find myself trying to figure out where all the other months went and where I am going to find money to get things for people. A year just doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore to me. Plus I don't like the new guy who does the count down for the ball. Its almost been a year now. Not sense this book started. Not sense I had the idea for this book. Its just almost been a year from the day I keep thinking about. I meet someone that day, my friend meet someone too, my other friend didn't but he was OK with it.
That day brings up other days and other days. I keep going back to that person. I understand that it is to long ago to really care. It is to long ago to do anything. That one day though it was a very good day. As I've stated before this all sounded much better in my head. Driving home like a maniac to get this onto paper I couldn't believe I had thought to write it down. Now staring at this blank piece of technology I am coming to a blank and doubt. I wanted to write down a song I had been thinking of writing but never actually tried to write. If that makes any sense. I wanted some original material no more; (received back in the day) no more; (a letter from a really long time ago) but something for this. This thing that I am doing. I wanted to tell that person what I felt. How I thought about them sweating and panting while they danced on a different day that we hung out. About how amazing it was to be there doing the same thing.
I wanted to show them and show you the painting I have in my head that I've wanted to paint for so long. I am now realizing that won't actually happen. The sad thing is I'm OK with it. I'm OK with knowing I could do something that could make me feel better but I won't. Sometimes I'd like to go back to that day and just dance. Sometimes I'd like to go back to that day and not go up that hill. Sometimes I'd like to go back to that day and look the other way. Sometimes I'd like to go back to that day and not have my feet hurt so much. Sometimes good that they dance forever, hill, and that attention. I understand that it was hurt, and that I didn't and that I did go up that those fireworks caught my
Sometimes its good to not have a time machine.
Points of Interest: This book This book is starting to feel like a chore. I know that I need to work on it and it needs to actually be finished, but I don't want to rush anything. It also feels like I'm starting a diary of some sort. I wish this wasn't as personal as its becoming but I can't really help it. Dear diary, (TODAYS DATE) Today I saw a cross walk sign that was broken. It kept flashing the man walking then the stop sign over and over again about ever two seconds. It was weird.
Points of Interest: Porcelain. I'm not really sure what it is but it's my favorite word. THE SECRET TO LIFE Door hinge = Orange That isn't the secret to life. I just needed something to take up more ink.
Points of Interest: Emotions? (cont.) Addiction: Things I'm addicted to -cigarettes -music -coffee -soda -not brushing my teeth -lying I am saving one final cigarette for before I leave. Its a very fine one to. Its about the same length and width as most cigarettes. It doesn't have as much ink on the actual paper as most. There are some companies that ruin them by typing their name all over it. It would be understood if you bought the pack you would know what your smoking. Whens the last time you looked at a cigarette someone was smoking to find out what it was?
They don't make them anymore. The cigarette I'm keeping that is. Its very rare. I don't think it will taste special when I smoke it. I don't think that it will make me feel better about where I'm going. I can imagine myself smoking it though. I've smoked them before. Its nothing special. I just keep it. In its box next to my microwave. Its safe there waiting, waiting for the night before I leave. I won't say goodbye to it. I won't cry when I smoke it. I'll think well that was a good cigarette I can't wait to smoke a different kind tomorrow morning before I go. Its something I don't need to do but will. I'll be surrounded by people drinking. I'm sure some of them won't know why there drinking. Some of them won't know where I'm going. Most won't care. I hope there is a fire. I hope there is a big swing on the top of some far away hill I can climb up to. I'll sit there and smoke my last cigarette and feel good about life. That won't actually happen.
Maybe I'll forget about that one last stick of tobacco and leave without it. I'll think about it while I'm gone and know that it will probably be gone if I come back. I'd still like that swing. I once took a picture of a fire. The embers looked like a galaxy millions of miles away. Unreachable, it looked almost unattainable, but I had captured it on my camera to look at whenever I wanted. I could put it in a box and look at it without people knowing. It was mine. About a year later someone showed me a picture they had took of a fire and the embers looked like a galaxy. I laughed and felt a bit bad for laughing at them. I have no idea where my picture went to. I hope it makes a difference if I smoke that cigarette now or later.
Things I'm addicted to -cigarettes -music -coffee -soda -not brushing my teeth -lying <<<<<<<<<<Audio file not found>>>>>>>>>> I've written a lot of songs. I've had a lot of bands. I've never shown anyone any except for a few people that just smiled and nodded there heads. I really haven't been the type to share things until now and I believe that is the main reason why I don't play anything for anyone. I hope to break that with this book.
\\\This has been eating away at me And its making it hard to breathe But I know I'm in the best of company Eating me whole Breaking me and my soul But I swear I will hold on Aqualung can you hear me I will not drown I'm sorry I don't need an iron lung I can not walk I can run I am a family man I am a family man Put your helmet on And take my hand in yours If I am to die tonight It will not be in vain Look in the mirror to explain I am not sorry to be hurt I've lived so many years to the best I lie here with nothing to regret So put your best clothes on It's my time to go and I'm ready to live again As long as you know
It was all worth it To be loved by you It was all worth it Though my time here is through We've been told to live our lives As long as we can But it's the quality Not the quantity that makes the man. So put your best clothes on And say a few words of mine I've lived so many years to the best My time to say goodbye (written for my grandfather) I don't know why I do the things I do. I don't know why I am the way I am.
Things I'm addicted to -cigarettes -music -coffee -soda -not brushing my teeth -lying It would seem that if I was addicted to coffee and soda that not brushing my teeth would be bad thing. I think I've gotten to the point in my life that I don't care. Its not that I'm to busy. I could find the time. Its not that I don't care about how I look because it bugs me everyday. I just don't care enough to try. My teeth are falling out. Well not completely but its hard to keep my addiction to coffee and soda. Honestly with me knowing this why can't I do something about it? That isn't a rhetorical question. I don't know the answer and would like to. My roof leaks. The fan is to loud. My clock is unbelievable loud at night. My head hurts and I'm dirty. I still have soda though.
Things I'm addicted to -cigarettes -music -coffee -soda -not brushing my teeth -lying I lie to myself the most. Writing this book has been difficult because I had to think about stories to see if they were actually true. That doesn't mean that there aren't stories that I know are true that I'm going to share. Some just aren't important. I lie to my friends. I tell them stories that aren't true and its not even to impress them. They will ask me about my day and I will just tell them something completely false but plausible. I don't even think about it. I make things up in my head and I think I often get the real and the imaginary confused.
Things I have lied about in my life: -About looking at the Christmas presents early -About the pot -About trying to avoid a dog being the reason I hit that snow bank -About what I did today -About this book to other people -About playing doctor in preschool -About not doing my homework -About where the money really went -About how much drugs I've really done -About the reason why I'm going away -Anything I've said to a girlfriend -About how her dog went to heaven -About the hole in the wall -About the stain on the carpet -About being popular to people -About my age -About my mother and father -About the underwear in my car -About what I was doing down that road at that time of night -About how many times I had thought about cheating on her -About not knowing she had a boyfriend -About how not killing yourself is always the right answer -About how I said I would cry if they died
-About how I never smoked when I was younger -About how I think pot is OK to do sometimes -About how much responsibility I have at work -About how proud I am of this -About how I didn't know where her shirt was -About how I don't know where that video game went -About how I never pee in pools -About how I've never seen anyone dead -About how I'm not scared to leave -About how I don't want this to be published -About how good I am at guitar -About how much money I really owe to people -About how I don't know where the dents came from -About the tattoos that people still don't know about -About how it wasn't my fault the W key is broken -About how I don't miss her -or her -or her -or her -or her -or even her
-About how I sleep through the night -About how I don't try to go away early -About how I really care how everyone feels and that I want to help them -About what time I need to go into work -About how I like working where I do -About how my knee doesn't hurt anymore -About how I don't want it to be mine -About how I don't want to live somewhere else -About how good of a singer I am -About how I want to quite smoking -About how I didn't know she was telling the truth -About how I like the taste of tea -About how sometimes its nice to just be alone -About how I bite my nails -About how I never want to talk -About how I don't feel alone -About how I'm always happy -About how I never ever want anyone to read this -About a lot of things is what I'm trying to say
(a conversation I made for the two dinosaurs on the dashboard) Cast: Henry : a stegosaurus that looks like he is constantly yelling or roaring in disbelief I'm not really sure which. Not named : I do not know what kind of dinosaur this one is I call them the monk dinosaurs. He has a bone structure on his head that makes him look balding. He stands on two feet and his hands are making the gesture as if he was showing you how long something was. Ex. (I caught a fish this big!) Not named: Yeah so I would say my dick is about this big. Henry: NO FUCKING WAY MAN! IT CAN'T BE THAT BIG! THATS REDICULOUS! Not named: Do you think the girls will laugh at me? Henry: I CAN'T BELIVE IT MAN! UGH YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
Not named: You hear about that asteroid that is supposed to be coming soon? Henry: FORGET THAT ASTERIOD SHIT MAN THAT AINT TRUE! ANYWAY LISTEN AM I GOING TO SEE YOU AT THE VOLCANO ON FRIDAY? MAN ITS SUPPOSED TO BE AWSOME. I CAN'T BELIVE IT. HEY! IF YOU SEE PTERIDACTAL YOU LET HIM KNOW I WANT MY TWENTY BUCKS! Not named:... Henry: HEY LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. HOW DO YOU STAND ON TWO LEGS?
I don't really know what to do with any of this.
Points of Interest: Childhood It feels good to overcome things you couldn't do in childhood. I just wanted to point this fact out. It does feel good. Honest opinion: Girls make good alarm clocks I don't work as much as I should Superheros should retire Most things are pointless but need to be done That doesn't make any sense
(walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk)
(walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk) (walk) (don'twalk)
Points of interest: The end of the end of the end of the beginning of the end of the end of the end of the end of the end. I'm tired of this. I want it to be over with but if I finish it that means I have to do something with it. I highlight all of this and just hover over the delete button. Its not like my fingers ache, or my back hurts from being hunched over a typewriter, or that I'm broke from buying ink ribbons. No I wrote it on a computer in my spare time. This has nothing to do with anyone else but me. So would the world end if I deleted all of this? No it wouldn't, but would I be able to live with myself? Yes, yes I would. A few people have read this and it isn't something life changing. Its nothing to run to the hills and scream from at the top of your lungs that everyone needs this in there lives.
(LETTERS FORGOTTEN BUT NEVER LOST>)) HERE FOR READER ENJOYMENT> Dear Smoker, I didn’t need one but I asked for it to open the conversation. You gave me one and it tasted like shit, but I was a man and smoke so it didn’t matter. We were with friends but I wanted them to leave. You looked bored. I thought you were everything I needed. I don’t even remember your name, I don’t remember the type of cigarette it was. I do remember your look, your essence, the way you were jaded and loved it. I loved you for exactly seven hours. I loved how you hated the world and didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I hated it with you because I wanted to be yours. I think I told you my name.
We ate, we smoked , we broke things. We were rebels because thats what everyone else was doing. We played spin the bottle with vodka because being young was stupid and the best way we knew how to make fun of it was by acting that way. We kissed. You tasted horrible but I pretended you didn’t. I closed my eyes I think you rolled yours. After the game was done you took me off to the side in some shit room. There was a bed but we went to the couch. We were drunk. You felt around and we took half of our clothes off because we couldn’t figure out how to take the rest off. I still to this day don’t know who’s house we were at. You fucked me, I made love. Or at least what I thought to be it at the moment. When you were done you gave me another cigarette and walked away. I didn’t smoke it. I threw it out and lit up my own. Your hair was a mess but it looked the same as when I saw you earlier. I hated you. Your stupid over sized sweatshirt with thumb holes. I bet you don’t even know anyone who went to Ohio State. Your a liar. You were what I wanted.
I walked outside of the room and people stared. I think you moved on to someone else I thought I recognized your hair under someone else on the floor. I had my friends drive me home. We listened to shitty music and they laughed and sang. I just stared at the street lights. Fuck you for making me do those things. Even though I wanted them so badly. It’s easier to blame you. I take it back no fuck yous. I didn’t even know you. You didn’t know me. It is over and done with. I can still taste it sometimes. That damn cigarette. I should have just smoked my own.
Dear Lost Soul, We met a few times. We kissed on a bet. We then kissed on a bet but we were much older. You’d never know how fast I drove back when you said it. Then we didn’t really talk. We talked but nothing to much into what we thought, wanted to do, felt, needed. No what do you want to do when you grow up? What made you want to do that? More. What’s your favorite color? Band? Movie? We went through the motions. We watched movies then we stopped. Everything all together. We met again and laid on the grass. Got dirty looks from people that didn’t understand we were in a college town and they should get used to kids. I told you I was getting a jeep, and a bike and movie. I told you I was so interesting but I am not.
You were my last roll of film. My shitty little toy camera I didn’t know how to use. Still don’t never got around to it. Never had the time but so is life. We sat on your bed. We listened to songs joked about how we kissed on a bet. You smiled and it was. It was beautiful and I never told you. I still haven’t because you’ll never get this note. I leave soon and your life will move on. Someday you will realize how much art you have in it. How powerful your pen and brush are and the world will listen and stop and understand. When that day happens come find me. Come and hold my hand one last time. Not as my girl, not as a friend, not as a stranger, but as a human being that has learned what it is capable of. We were lost back then and we didn’t know how to say goodbye. These words don’t seem to be able to encompass you but I’m not trying to get you on paper. That would be impossible. I’m not trying to get how I feel about you on paper either that isn’t words. I guess you give me hope. If you’d like a word.
Hope for us as people. I know that is a lot of responsibility. You’ll never know it. As long as your smile stays true and your laugh is still so heart felt. I will always know someone will be happy. Who ever is around you. So here is to the coffee, the grass that was soft, the kisses, the pale legs, the over sized bed, the film roll. Here is to young young feelings of being lost and trying to make sense of things to quickly. Here is to youth and the fact that we had lost it, but figured out its something worth working for.
Dear High School Crush, From the moment I met you I knew I wanted to be with you and after a while I felt like I needed to be. I was infatuated with being yours and it was horrible. We went to prom. I went as your friend you went as my date even if you didn't know. At some point things got twisted and we never really sat down and talked about it. Talked about that kiss, or about our constant hand holding. It all just fell to the side like it wasn't actually happening and thats why I'm writing you this letter. I asked you a few time but you politely said no. You were always so kind to me. I was there for you to come to and cry. To talk about him and how you don't want to be together anymore. About how he treats you. I welcomed it because I loved you. I think you always took my advice the wrong way. I wasn't talking to you as someone who wanted to be with you but just as a concerned friend. Maybe if I had said that you would of listened better or at all.
It didn't help any that he treated you like shit and all I wanted to give to you was the world. Hearing what he did just built me up more. Because I KNEW I would be better than him and one day you would see that and it would all be right. This though is not a fairy tale. You had him for four years. I had a lot of girls. I would give up on you, then come running back over and over again. You would say no and I would find another girl. That would show you! What that was I couldn't tell you. For awhile after that we never really spoke like we used to. We would have the occasional meet up. The “How are things? Good. Good. How is he? Oh you know same old same old. Haha tell me about it. OK talk to you in a few months” but it was nothing like it was in the beginning. You're leaving him soon you told me you are finally doing it. The day I've been waiting for, for the seven years I've known you and how do I feel? I miss my friend.
It took a long time but finally I can say I just want to be there with you. I want to buy you a beer, laugh and just talk about the old times. I value our friendship or at least the one we had more than some high school fairytale from a prom date, a few longing looks and a rainy night. So don't look for me with roses anymore. Don't look for me to slowly move my hand onto yours to see what happens. Please don't look at me the way I used to look at you. We have that awkward kiss and all the times we won't tell anyone. Lets leave whatever romance we had at that. This all died along time ago. At some point we needed to hang up this thing we've had for a decade just neither of us really knew how or if it was anything at all. I'm just as surprised that this is coming from me as I'm sure you are. Who knows what the next years hold. Be my friend and we'll find out together.
If you ever need a heart to hold you've had mine the whole time. If you ever need a hand its always there. I've always tried to be there for you as something more than I needed to be. Now I want to offer to you what we had in the beginning.
Dear Cigarettes, I have been with you for far to long. The fact that I bummed an entire pack of “shitty” ones for tomorrow should be enough proof. I don't even enjoy the taste of you at the moment yet I need you. Yes I understand what addiction is. You don't need to bring that up. At some point in my life you seemed like a good idea. At this point you are more than second nature. You are not just a second thought you are apart of me. All of this seemed much better in my head but when it's on paper it just seems like I am someone who doesn't understand addiction. I do understand addiction. Let me say that again. I do understand addiction.
I thought this would help me in someway to figure out why I smoke or started or still do. The facts are simple though. When I was thirteen it was a thing the older kids did so I joined in. I absolutely hated it. I mean I really fucking hated it but we all know young kids are dumb and impressionable and I was no exception. I still smoke because of what cigarettes are supposed to do. Help you with stress, calm your nerves, wake you up, make beer taste better. I'm getting to the point where I do it even if it works or not. Its gotten to the point where it's one before bed, then one while I lay down, then one to help my back so I can sleep, then one so I can wake up, then one to wake me up after I wake up, one before I start my day, one before a mission, one during a mission. You see the pattern right? That isn't even listing the ones I have in between those. Everything is stressful and that requires a smoke. Even this damn “letter” is stressful and its to an inanimate object. Fuck.
As it is with me this things seemed like a good idea at the beginning and now I don't know how I feel about it. That goes for a lot of things in my life. This is just going off into something completely different and cigarettes think they are getting away without a letter. Well fuck you cigarettes. Fuck you. I know whole heartedly I will go smoke one after this “letter” is done, but I don't want to well I don't need to. Some things in life we don't need to do but we do anyway. We do it because we're told not to, some do it because they feel left out, some do it because they feel they will not be complete without it. Addiction is a dangerous thing and doesn't just include cigarettes. We all need our fix of things. I just can't seem to understand why I can't stop mine. Maybe I don't understand addiction.
Dear Little Black Box, I miss your click. I miss trying to load you and doing it all wrong because I had no clue what I was really doing. Still don't but you never cared. I miss how much you loved black and white. You never judged me and loved it when we took walks. Even if it was to the store down the road. You were cheap and knew it. That's what I loved about it. Ever imperfection made you, you. At some points I think you had more personality than I did. We were inseparable. Click. Crick crick crick. Thats all you could really say but it was enough to keep a conversation going. We loved all the same things. You could see things so much better than I could but I kept you around for your company. You had a beautiful body meant for my hands only. Your personality and voice could make the most dull things beautiful. You had thicker skin than you let on. I roughed you up a few times by accident but you never got mad. Even when I scratched your eye. You laughed it off and said. Click. Crick crick crick.
Our time was so short together and I had to go far away. We said our goodbyes and we had one last go at it. Went to all our old spots, looked at our favorite staircase. Read the graffiti we had become fond of. It was all over to quick and I had to leave. I wanted to bring you. Really I did. I just thought it wasn't a place for you. You had the power of helping me remember everything I wanted to and I didn't want to remember the things I had to see. I came back to visit for a bit. I didn't see you right away and I thought you'd understand. When I went to the place I left you. Safe and secure and you had left. I don't know what it was I did to make you run away but I'm sorry. Maybe it wasn't where I put you but I was upset so I went out and bought a bigger and better you. It tried to talk like you but it was to metallic. To fake and way to much into instant gratification. Never felt the same.
Where ever you are I hope your making someone as happy as you did me. Maybe I didn't pick you up from that park we went to the day before I left. Maybe a friend borrowed you while I was gone. Whatever you are doing. I still hope you say the same funny things to those you're with. I will always remember your wise words. Click. Crick crick crick.
((END OF LETTERS))
The fact that sometimes I write in big letters or I press tab to many times because my fingers are to big doesn't make this special. The fact that this has a lot of things that most people don't know about me doesn't make it special. If I had put my full name and social in this it would have the same effect. You pick it up and go oh this is him and this is his number I didn't know that. You would put it down and go on with your lives. So the real question is. Why am I doing this? The answer is as much for me as it is for you. If you have spent the time to read this don't you think its fair to know? There are no antagonists or protagonists. No plot. No big spin. No big secret at the end. This isn't part of some huge trilogy. They won't make a movie about this book. Unfortunately I can't really answer the question. I'm sure deep down in me I could find out why, but I don't want to know. I've fought the urge to not delete this and I will see where it goes.
I can't tell you the amount of times I've said this book is for me then said it was for you and then said it was for me. I'm sorry about that I don't really know what this is. I can leave you with the fact that I wrote this for you as much as for me. It has been a long conversation with a bright screen.
This is to all the hands I won't hold, all the weddings I won't attend and all the hearts I haven't broken yet.
This is for anyone. Anywhere. I could care less who you are or what you do for a living. What color you are or what your opinions of life and love are. This is mine. My own. I want to share it with you. Burn this. Throw it away. Share it with you friends. Steal it. Buy a bunch of copies so no one else can read it. Whatever you do with this. What ever you take out of it do it for yourself.
It doesn't matter what anyone else takes away from it. Its what you. Yes you. Your pointing at yourself. Now your not. Now you are again. Now your reading this sentence. YES YOU! You the one with the face and the eyes breathing. You. Its what you take away from it. Its your life. Take something. (Movie for this book) Camera pans down to a shitty apartment. Soda bottles and coffee cups are scattered around almost placed perfectly. In between them are half smoked and full smoked cigarettes dead on the table and floor looking as if they had died in a great nicotine battle of the century. There is a young kid sitting on a old couch that looks like good will would turn it down. There are about the same amount of stains on the top of the cushions than the bottom ones. The sides have been scratched by cats of all kinds. There are enough lighters, socks, change and underwear in the couch to start a small coin store that sells lighters, socks and underwear.
The young kid has the same shirt on that he has for about a week. He has no socks on because he can't find a clean pair. He is still wearing his military issued glasses because he is to lazy to buy a new pair. Secretly he just likes them. There is a cigarette in the corner of his mouth that if you had seen him before you would think was just a permanent fixture on his body. He has his I pod repeating the same 5 songs that it has been playing for the past couple of months. He keeps cleaning the ash off of his computer because he doesn't realize that he hasn't taken a drag for about 5 minutes and half of the cigarette is just a long piece of ash. (end movie) Doesn't that just sound exciting? No it doesn't I know.
It has come to my attention that I never actually wrote the last letter to people that I wanted to tell them something. I think I am going to make this the last letter. Not this paragraph not this last couple of pages but this book. Please go back the the beginning of this book and put 8 out of 8 at the top of the first sentence thank you. I keep thinking of things to add to different rants I have through out this thing. I think that if I keep doing this it will never end. I will present this to you now as it is in its whole. No more editing no more fixing. For a while I just wanted more pages so it felt like something real. That doesn't matter though.
I have called this a book. I have called this a thing, or just a thing. I will now provide you somethings and you can decide for yourself.
Book: N. 1. A written or printed work of fiction or non fiction, usually on sheets of paper fastened or bound together within covers. 2. A number of sheets of blank or ruled paper bound together for writing, recording business transactions, ect. 3. Anything that serves for the recording of facts or events.
Novel: N. 1. A fictitious prose narrative of considerable length and complexity, portraying characters and usually presenting a sequential organization of action and scenes.
Memoir: N. 1. A record of events written by a person having intimate knowledge of them and based on personal observation. 2. An account of one's personal life and experiences. Song: N. 1. A short metrical composition intended or adapted for singing, especially one in rhymed stanzas; a lyric; ballad. 2. A musical piece adapted for singing or simulating a piece to be sung. 3. Poetical composition; poetry. 4. The art or act of singing; vocal music 5. An elaborate vocal signal produced by an animal, as the distinctive sounds produced by certain birds, frogs, ect., in courtship or territorial display.
Poem: N. 1. A verbal composition designed to convey experiences, ideas, or emotions in a vivid and imaginative way, characterized by the use of language chosen for its sound and suggestive power and by the use of literacy techniques such as meter, metaphor, and rhyme. Letter: N. 1. A written or printed communication addressed to a person or organization and usually transmitted by mail. I don't think that this falls into all of those categories and I don't think that it should. I don't know what to call it so you pick yourself. Maybe what it is isn't in that list. I hope you have scribbled in this book. Draw little balls bouncing in the bottom of the pages to make a flip book. This is yours. This is mine.
This whole thing I guess you can call it a letter. It is to you. The world. I'm just someone who wanted to say hello. I keep wanting to restate myself over and over again because I'm afraid to stop typing. I'm afraid to put this down. A friend once told me “Finished books are still a work in progress.” That scares me. I'd like to walk away from this knowing I did everything I wanted. I know that is impossible. So to all of you I will not say goodbye. I will not say anything like that. I hope nothing. I'm going to stop now. All I hope is that you hope. With all of anything that I have that I can give: Jake the janitor Jake the lesbian Jacob Careful Pumpkin Foxtrot Felton Jacob Levi Felton Anyone
So its been almost a year since I really worked on this thing and I've just skimmed over it. I am not a fan. Nothing is a lie in this but it just seems so eh. Nothing much has changed. I'm not with her anymore, or her, or her, or her. So it goes. I don't live in the same place anymore and its almost my time to finally leave. The closer it gets the more loose ends I feel as though I need to tie. I don't think the world would end if I didn't but it bothers me so much. My throat still hurts from all the damn cigarettes and I still bite my nails. I do brush my teeth now though. I think I'll come back in once piece but if I am the same person is a totally different thing.
To all the people I've been with or seen or ever talked to thank you. I'm not really sure what for, but I know I mean it. This really is just a huge cluster fuck of thoughts. Its nice to read back and laugh at myself though. Once I wrote a letter and I want to share it with you.
I wanted to spell your name but for some reason I remembered how you spelled it on you bank account. I don't know it was weird. On another note this page looks huge to me because I'm so used to the book format its like I'm writing on a huge wall for some reason. I'm going to miss you a lot you have no idea. I'm taking the password off of this so you can write me letters on this to give your hands a break. You don't need to but know its there. Also if your bored you can take notes on my book thing and have a whole month full of questions or comments on it that would be nice. I hope you write me a big long letter every day I'm gone. I know I wont get them but it will be nice to look forward to when I come home and maybe it will help you missing me. Its only 504 hours till I come home. I'm not to worried about it. Its going to suck a lot and I want to cry because your not here right now but you don't need to apologize for it. For some reason I just get this horrible feeling in my stomach because I can't go to sleep without you. Its going to be hard to not have you at night time. Its going to be hard not being able to pinch and bite you whenever I want. But the thing thats going to be the hardest is that I don't get to look at you and how beautiful you are when I'm gone. God ill miss your smile and your laugh and your voice and your hair and your body and your arms and your warmth at night and your stupid little face you make when you want to be sad but you cant. That gets me every time. And I realize that I want to be with you for a long long time. I know that we have this bullshit relationship thing but I know I like you a lot. One of those reasons is because I get so mad that you talk to other guys because we aren't
technically dating and I get scared. We need to have a serious talk about our status when I come home. I'd like to call you my girlfriend but I don't think right before I go to Cali is a good time to do this. A lot of the times when I start to like girls a lot I look at them and figure out what makes them ugly. And what I hate about them. So I wont like them anymore. I've tried to do this with you not like thinking about it but it will happen and I cant find one thing. I hope you understand that this is a compliment in a very weird way. You are the perfect thing to me. I can't get over the fact that we have only known each other for the short time we have. I feel like we have been together forever. Oh by the way my favorite part of the note was when you told me you would miss my smirk. Because it was nice that you have taken the time to notice the small things I do. I liked that a lot. I will miss you more than all the horses miss their horns because they used to be unicorns. Its cute that you just texted me and said heck. This is very very very very very small lettering. I did this so you would maybe get mad that this is only one page but really its huge. Anyway sometimes I want to say I love you and it freaks me out. I know I don't yet thats ridiculous but I just wanted to tell you that. I could see that happening with you and it doesn't bug me at all. Not one bit. And thats scares the hell out of me. Please be ready for me when I come home.
So she got the letter, she did write me letters while I was gone, and I did love her. I'm not sure why I am showing this to you or who you are. For some reason out of all the things I have shared that one letter bugs me the most that it is in here. Thats while I will keep it here. The point is that this was the first time I hadn't lied to a girl constantly. Did it work out? No. \\ Does that matter? Not anymore. Sometimes you need to try at something and fail to get it into your head that you can even try. At some point my life will be where it needs to be. If I knew that I don't think I'd be as happy. It's not with her and its not here.
At some point in time people come to the realization that life only matters if you give a shit. Sitting there going from person to person waking up, washing up, going to work, playing videos games, taking showers, coming back, watching TV, rinse then repeat isn't it. For me at least. God I'm preachy and for that I'm Sorry. I just have a lot still I want to say. To who? For what reason? Time will tell I guess. Its just in me to get out. I am not the sad little puppy I was in the beginning of this book. That doesn't change what I thought or what I believe. It just changes how I act. If you can call it that. If any of that even make sense.
This is my statement of existence and the proof is in the print.
Everything has a story, whether you know the story is completely different. So never be afraid to ask. I feel as though I am trying to give the answers to everything. We all ka no that is impossible. I am scared to go. I am scared to pull the trigger. I am scared to live with that choice for the rest of my life but I will live my life. I'm not sure if this that last statement is a statement or me just reassuring myself that it will happen.
I know none of these letters really mean anything to anyone but me. For some reason though I feel like sharing them. I don't think they really help the cause of this. I don't think that this does either but now you know. I want to write something like an epiphany to show that I am a different person. I just can't seem to find the words though. All I can really say is. I am happy for the moment and I hope you are to. Will I be tomorrow? Who the fuck knows. I will be here tomorrow though and I will be able to tell you then. Thats the fucking point. I think.
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