What? No booze!

It is with some dismay that I learned that alcohol would be banned from an upcoming third grade school party! I feel that I had to protest this bleeding heart-liberal attempt to undermine one of the most sacred traditions of these United States. Where would we be if the pilgrims had not plied the Indians with copious amounts of firewater on the first Thanksgiving? Only Demon Rum prevented our forefathers from getting their scalps handed to them. What would have happened if the framers of our beloved Constitution had not liberally lubricated those “back-room” negotiations with substantial amounts of corn whiskey? (Let us pause to say a prayer of Thanks to those wonderful Indians for the corn!) We'd still be colonies of the English crown, that's where. It is good to note in passing that smoking was allowed, nay, encouraged, during those tumultuous discussions. The home-made anti-freeze at Valley Forge allowed George Washington to cross, actually zig-zag, across the Delaware. The list goes on and on as we see how the consumption of spirits is as American as apple pie and white picket fences (to keep the drunks out!). We must, as we are praying to the porcelain god, remember with fondness those who have entertained us for countless hours with their drunken antics, the tipsy tramp: Charlie Chaplin, WC Fields (my favorite), that most classy of drunks: Dean Martin and his pals: the Rat Pack and let us not forget Foster Brooks who made an entire career of being drunk! How are we to teach our children to drink responsibly if they can't even have heavily spiked fruit juice (all natural with no preservatives) at the end-of-year party? What will they do when they get to high school where drinking yourself blind is a time honored rite of passage? Are we to let them wander aimlessly in an alcohol-fueled society with no personal experience to draw upon. If we allow this arbitrary no-booze sanction to go unanswered, the terrorists have already won. If we are going to get bombed, lets do it ourselves. They don't drink in public in Muslim countries. There, in the land of the all dissimulating burk-ha, pints, liters actually, go by, unseen and anonymous. Do we want our children to also become closet alcoholics? Teach them to drink socially, AA is full of people who hid their drinking. If you drink in public and are proud of it, you do not have a problem! Do not for one minute think that I advocate drinking and driving, I DO NOT! Never drink and drive, you might spill some and a drink is a terrible thing to waste! So, let our slurred dissents echo (but not too loudly) in the halls of academia where there should be a pint in every professorial desk, back pocket and purse, how else are our esteemed educators expected to get through the day? So I say, as best I can rememberate wat I were goin to speak about before I had that last drink, ah yesh, we may be lying down in the gutter but don't tread on us! Drunks got rights too. I will leave you to run to the store to get adequate supplies for the next Memorial day weekend which, as everyone knows, celebrates our right to get sh*t-faced. Humble [hic] regards, J.-L. (An audio tape of these rantings is available for those who have had a bit too much and can no longer focus.)

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful