“GOOD WILL BUNTING” Written by Kathleen Fitzgerald November 28, 2010 (Version #1) CAST Willhemina (Will) Bunting - 25-year-old

janitor from Southie The Cakemaster - Award-winning Le Cordon Bleu professor The Cakemaster’s Minion – Dessert boy, Cakemaster’s Asst. The Psychologist (Dr. Peter Roberts) – College Friend of The Cakemaster Maureen – Will’s best friend from Southie Moira – Will’s friend from Southie Mariah – Will’s friend from Southie

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(Scene opens on hallway at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary School. A portly Cakemaster paces up and down a florescent-lit hallway, staring at a perfectly-decorated double-tier, octagonal wedding cake with glazed bunt accents.) THE CAKEMASTER Summon my Le Cordon Bleu advanced cake decorating class! I want to know who frosted this impossible octagonal wedding cake to such perfection. THE CAKEMASTER’S MINION Yes, sir. THE CAKEMASTER’S MINION scampers away. THE CAKEMASTER follows after him, shaking his head in disbelief. WILLHEMINA (Will) BUNTING and her Southie friend, MAUREEN, are hanging out on a stoop. Two other friends, MOIRA and MARIAH, enter. MAUREEN Good call picking this stoop for us to hang, Will. This is the best stoop I’ve ever had. WILLHEMINA (WILL) That’s what Moira’s father said to me last night. MOIRA (In thick Southie Boston accent) Eh, feck you. WILL Comeback of the century!

 

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MARIAH Ignore her, Will. Moira’s just mad that Knuckles McGee stopped calling her for a little knapsack action. MOIRA What does “knapsack action” mean? MARIAH Very little to the people who find themselves in the knapsack with you. (MOIRA and MARIAH start shoving each other and fighting playfully.) MAUREEN Eh! Eh! Away from the stoop to do that! (Blackout. Cakemaster’s voice heard in the darkness.) THE CAKEMASTER (V.O.) Whoever frosted the octagonal wedding cake that I left in the hallway, please come forward and identify yourself. It took my Le Cordon Bleu colleagues and I two years to glaze a similar bunt, and you managed to pipette one million sugar flowers in one night. (Pause.) Alright then, I’m going to place a children’s character cake in the hallway. Whoever can decorate that cake as Betty Crocker herself intended will receive my undying praise and Cordon notoriety. (Lights up. WILL seen pipetting in spotlight, surrounded by darkness. CAKEMASTER and CAKEMASTER’s MINION approach.) THE CAKEMASTER Stop right there! WILL Go funfetti yourself! WILL walks off, leaving THE CAKEMASTER and THE CAKEMASTER’s MINION staring in awe at a glorious dessert masterpiece. THE CAKEMASTER (slowly, enunciating every syllable) My.God.in puff pastry heaven. Hallowed by Thy Cream. THE CAKEMASTER’S MINION

  Look at those sugar crystals. (In a whispered hush) Exquisite beauty. THE CAKEMASTER More extravagant than the 24 karat gold-infused haute chocolate mousse I made for Liza Minelli’s wedding to Ms. David Gest. (pause) Minion, find out who that janitor is!

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(Blackout while Elliott Smith plays. Cut to CAKEMASTER sitting in his office with WILL BUNTING seated in front of him.) THE CAKEMASTER So you’re telling me that you’re neither a student at Le Cordon Bleu nor do you have any formal pastry training? WILL I didn’t feel like droppin a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin education I coulda got for free by bootlegging The Food Network from the guy in Apartment 1B. THE CAKEMASTER Studying at Le Cordon Bleu would certainly be slumming for you. WILL They don’t say it “blew” for nothing. With all due respect, I agreed to this set up because mah parole officah said it was either baking brioches or battling bitches at the Massachusetts Women’s Correctional Facility. THE CAKEMASTER It’s time for you to meet with the psychologist anyway. Work on this cylindrical crème brule cake while I let Dr. Roberts in downstairs. (CAKEMASTER leaves while WILL sets to the crème brule. THE CAKEMASTER returns with THE PSYCHOLOGIST.) THE CAKEMASTER Will, meet my old college roommate, Dr. Peter Roberts. THE PSYCHOLOGIST Nice to meet you, Willhemina. I’ve heard a lot about you. THE CAKEMASTER

  I have a Food Network special to tape so I will let you two talk in peace.

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THE CAKEMASTER exits. THE PSYCHOLOGIST (points to shelf) Ever read any of these books? WILL (Scans books) Yeh, most of ‘em. (Crosses arms defensively) THE PSYCHOLOGIST Any takeaways? WILL What can I say that will get me back to flaming my brule and you back to growing hair all over your body like a baboon? THE PSYCHOLOGIST Just want to talk. Learn how you tick. WILL Like a clock. THE PSYCHOLOGIST What motivates you to get out of bed every day? WILL Minimum wage and glory. THE PSYCHOLOGIST And why is it that you hang with that misfit lady band instead of attending Le Cordon Bleu? Do you think your friends would be jealous if you made something of yourself? WILL Do you think your wife would be jealous if you made something of yourself? THE PSYCHOLOGIST My wife is dead! I can’t believe you brought up my dead wife. She is super dead. You don’t have the first clue about life. You’ve never been out of Boston. WILL Not true. I once took the $5 Fung Wah bus to New York’s Chinatown to shake down a girl who scratched Mo’s car.

 

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THE PSYCHOLOGIST Doesn’t count. If I asked you about the art of baking, you’d probably give me the skinny on every cookbook ever written … Julia Child? You know a lot about her. Life’s work, Meryl Streep, her and baguettes. The whole works, right? WILL Yep. THE PSYCHOLOGIST But I bet you can’t tell me what it’s like to eat a dozen warm Krispy Kremes in a single sitting just because you can. If I ask you about cookies, you’ll probably give me a menu of your personal favorites – Mrs. Field’s, Famous Amos, Double Stuff Oreos. You may have even baked the perfect batch a few times. But you can’t tell me what it’s like to wake up next to a Valentine’s Day dessert tin with chocolate caked around your mouth … and feel truly happy. WILL Are you in Overeater’s Anonymous? THE PSYCHOLOGIST You’re a tough girl. I ask you about the 2010 cupcake wars, you’d probably ah throw Shakespeare at me, right? “Once more into the breach, dear friends.” But you’ve never been near a frosted battleground. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap … and watched her cupcake stand gasp its last breath while she looks to you for financial help. WILL Not unless two dollahs would meet her financial needs. THE PSYCHOLOGIST But because you can frost like a mothaf*cka, you think you can waltz around with indifference. You’re a baking genius, Will. No one denies that. But I can’t learn anything from you that I can’t already read in “The Joy of Cooking.” Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t wanna do that, do you? Don’t want to look at the semi-sweet side of your life? You’re terrified of what you might taste. Your move, chef. (Blackout.)