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When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?" She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old. Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?" She says, "Your name didn't come up."
Brain Insult ''Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?'' ''Yes.'' '' Yeah, I thought so.'' A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read : NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The Bishop was buried the next day
BLESS THIS OUR LAND AND NATION By Njonjo Mue and Wangui Kaniaru O Lord, do not your eyes look for truth? You struck them, but they felt no pain; You crushed them, but they refused correction. They made their faces harder than stone and refused to repent. Jeremiah 5:3 There were 10 Luos, three Luhyas, one Kisii, one Turkana…. But who remembers? After all it happened more than a month ago, and life has to go on. We reacted with predictable shock and indignation, even held an inter-denominational service at the site of the massacre and our President flew in from abroad and promptly held a public rally on the very spot where 21 defenceless citizens had been hacked down on Bloody Sunday. But that is all distant memory now. None of us approves of what Mungiki and Taliban did, but life has to go on, you see. But what is even more shocking than the massacre in Kariobangi is the speed and finality with which we have erased it from memory and moved on. We are a nation of forgetting and moving on. No outrage seems to shake us into taking a stand and ensuring that it never happens again; no crime against innocents, however vile, prompts us to meaningfully speak up for ‘the least of these.’ But this is not about the victims of the Kariobangi mayhem. It is a call for some long-overdue soulsearching that our country needs to do as a matter of great urgency before we can move on. For you see, we have loved lies more than truth. We have embraced the lie of individual prosperity and the lie of our tribal/racial identities. And we have invented and believed in the lie of our greatness as a nation, while denying our state of seemingly terminal decay, or merely complaining about it. Those of us in our late twenties/early thirties can recall when as children, we started seeing for ourselves the creeping signs of decay – occasional press stories of corruption, reports of the odd violent robbery. The attitude among adults at the time always seemed to be, “Oh well, we have our problems, but we are not as bad as Uganda, or Nigeria,” or “It’s all Moi’s fault, it’s all the Kalenjins’ fault…” The last refuge of a fading elite was to hack back to a golden era that had been golden only for themselves. ‘The old days were better,” they sighed with indignation. “When our people were the only ones in the civil service.” It is like every blow that has been struck against this nation as a chance for us to recognise how far we have fallen and to prompt us to repent and return to God just hardened our resolve to ‘cope’ to ‘adjust’ to ‘make do’. Doesn’t it sound uncannily similar to Jeremiah’s lament above? Resilience is an admirable quality, but rebellion is an abomination to our God. And the line between the twain can be very thin indeed. So you move to another suburb, or you send your children abroad when the system crumbles, or you pay up the bribe and continue doing whatever it takes. You refuse to see the kids on the street and roll up your window each time you approach the streetlights. And they grow up and become menacing glue-sniffing teenagers. Still you ignore them and soon they are hungry and angry adults with no options in life than to get together and organise the next carjacking, the next bank robbery… then what do you do? You see if none of us takes care of Little Mutua, as he looks through the glass of your firmly shut car window while you study a billboards that reminds you to give your children a secure future and wish the lights would turn green, all of us will have to take care of Big Mutua, a few years down the line by
putting more bars on our every window, driving with our car doors firmly locked and imposing a curfew on ourselves in our city. But back to the present, and to you. You refuse to see the decay; you refuse to ask yourself what YOU can do to change the situation. We were sent off to school full of hope and excited at the possibilities that lay ahead, but our expectations were soon crushed. Now we spend the rest of our lives making excuses why things cannot be done differently or change effected quickly. We love the lie that things are not so bad, or that things are bad and ‘someone’ is going to change them. We watch from a safe distance as people take risks and fail, and we shrug internally and think, ‘at least that wasn’t me’. We acknowledge the mess, but our reaction is to call up the university and join the Parallel Programme to enrol for another degree, and hope that by the time we are through someone will have fixed this mess so that we can get on with our lives. But alas, we’ve gotten ahead of ourselves with that very long introduction. Let us start from the beginning: Our national anthem. Think of the exalted words of that prayer that we sing so frequently if not fervently, exhorting God to visit our land. Do we really mean what we sing, or do we merely mock God with a prayer we have no expectation of seeing answered in our midst or any intention of working for its fulfilment in our time? Justice be our shield and defender: We have asked for justice to be our shield and our defender and done nothing to lift up this shield. The shield is supposed to prop itself up, somehow. We want the government to crack down on this or that or the other, so long as none of us is hurt by the crackdown. We do not lift up the shield for ourselves in our prayer for the nation, we do not lift this shield for the widow, the orphan, the refugee, the religious minority, the kiosk owner whose livelihood is destroyed before our very eyes, the thousands of people dying in prison, or the people who are exploited by the labour system. So long as we can do what we want to or need to do, then these other people just have to suck up their misfortunes. We hear about different attacks on different people for different reasons, and we shrug our shoulders because that is just the way these people are. We are convinced that it cannot be done, we are devoted to making absolutely no sacrifices that are grounded in the bigger picture of this land created by God whose blessings we are asking for in mock supplication. We counsel our children not to ‘waste’ their lives as teachers in schools, because there is no money in teaching and the quality of education is so bad anyway. Of course once ‘someone’ fixes these things we’ll be fine, but until then, we’ll just send them to private schools, or try to get them jobs somewhere else, or whatever. We cope the best we can. Dwelling in unity? We want to dwell in unity, but do nothing to build that unity. We must honestly ask ourselves how are we building that unity, in big ways and in little ways? As families? As communities? As workers? There is little evidence of unity-building. Instead we tear one another down so that we can be better than the other person. In big things, in small things. We want this cake to be eaten, and to be eaten now; and if at all possible, to be shared only among people who look like us and speak like us. Peace, Liberty? We desire peace and liberty, but have not made any individual sacrifices necessary to uphold this peace or to guard this liberty. Just think about it. What are we doing? What do we desire above all else? Excellence or comfort? We have been unfaithful to God, we have raised up a generation and taught it to crave ‘Western things’ that are synonymous with comfort. We have given them nothing to safeguard, because we have made it clear by our lives that there is nothing we consider ourselves to be guardians of. Our creed has been, ‘live your life, do your best, and let someone else deal with the situation, whatever it is.’ Then the world starts crumbling around us; things that were unimaginable five years ago become commonplace – gangs attacking and mutilating people in the city, car-jackings, murders, rape, mayhem, cheating in exams, no water, no electricity, no roads, thousands of road deaths, rising
illiteracy, rising unemployment – and we are shocked. SHOCKED? So we pick ourselves up, build higher walls around our houses, put glass on top of the concrete separating us from our neighbours, try to avoid being in the city after a certain time and adjust to a new way of life. Things are not so bad. Do your best, adjust. You woke up this morning, you went to work, you did your thing. It is bad in some ways, but it is not so bad yet. Pray for God to send someone to do something about this situation. Plenty be found within our borders… We want plenty within our borders, but have no regard for those lacking in our midst. So we hear about deaths and mayhem in Kariobangi, and thank God it wasn’t us, and move on to the next thing. We call it a political conspiracy, we call it a conspiracy by the landlords to raise rents, we watch the situation on TV from the comfort of our homes. And we hope someone can come and deal with this. We are being crushed under the weight of culpability in refusing to seek truth. But we harden ourselves a bit more and continue in our ways. Yet even civilizations and empires do not fall all at once. These things begin one person at a time, in a fundamental and profound way. One person at a time, the spirit of this age is consuming the lives of young men and women in this land. One person at a time, we are allowing our inheritance to be taken from us. What are the dreams we have for this nation? What is our role in fulfilling these dreams? What can we do? In a very real way, recording these dreams, praying about them, preparing for them to come to pass, is something we need to do as a church. These dreams are in every area of our lives – our families, our schools, our jobs, our courts, and our communities. But first we need to seek His face, and be changed by Him, recognizing that He is going to change us in order to use US. If we are to be called peacemakers, then we have to be prepared to be making peace in the midst of war. Whatever it costs us, we must gain understanding from Him. So prepare against all odds, pray against all odds, watch against all odds, and wait against all odds. But we had better not be watching and waiting for the deliverer who will fix everything for us. He has already come, He died and rose again. We are watching and waiting for the fulfilment of the purposes God has for this nation through US. All begins and ends with me and you. God did not send an angel to build the ark and then invite Noah into it. Noah acted on this call, and built against all odds, for the day when rain would come. And come it did. We cannot wait for another election, a new leader, a pack of ‘young turks’, a new group of reformers and leaders and politicians to fix us. We are it. Your children will grow up and their children after them in the world we are making for them today. And although you are not the one who wielded the pangas that decapitated the 10 Luos, three Luhyas, a Kisii and a Turkana, you are living and participating in a society so divided, so hardened, and so filled with injustice that this was allowed to happen. So whether you like it or not, you are implicated in these actions. They are both an indictment and a call to repentance. But above all, they are a call to arms. Amkeni ndugu zetu! Wangui Kaniaru &Njonjo Mue Good Friday, 2002
habitat. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. The professor was surprised." The old rooster says." The old rooster takes off running. third gay rooster I bought this month. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. "You tell me buddy! You tell me!" NEW KANU Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name. "OK old fart. time for you to retire. is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.. genus and species. The more he thought about it the madder he got.. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says. surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. only the legs were showing. "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. "Mister. As He entered the classroom. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. so just to be fair I will give you a head start. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said.. young stud. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. "Come on. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says. I will race you three times around the farmhouse. meanwhile. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. "Darn." . Each bird had a sack over its head. They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed the gap. he saw ten stands with ten legs on them.COLLEGE LEG TEST A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. The farmer." The old rooster replies. "I tell you what." The young rooster laughs. Look what it has done to me. "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over.
She went to his room and said: "Son. the structure. After the first day. Define a Kiss: An application at the headquarters for a job at the base.. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. .age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Define a Gynaecologist : He is the only Fool on Earth looking for trouble where everyone else Finds Pleasure! Enjoy. no. They agreed it was. The pebbles. "was it the books. "Well. Finally. Day after day the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. rocks about 2" in diameter. the discipline. on the first day of school. He shook the jar lightly. little Ali got an A in math. Little Ali was doing very badly in math. wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She could no longer hold her curiosity. When the class began. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. mentors. little Ali brought home his report card. Finally. Mom looked at it and to her surprise. little Ali came home with a very serious look on his face. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. the uniforms???? WHHHHAAAATTTT was it ????" Little Ali looked at her and said. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Ali was hard at work. rolled into the open areas between the rocks. Don't mess with the OLD FARTS . when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign. they took Ali down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.. everything they could think of. of course. in a last ditch effort. then." she replied. In short.Moral of this story. I knew they weren't fooling around. what was it???? Was it the nuns ??" Little Ali looked at her and shook his head. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. He then asked the students again if the jar was full." ROOM FOR A BEER A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. Instead. His parents had tried everything: tutors. he went straight to his room and started studying. "Well.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. your life would still be full. "The rocks are the important things . Of course. and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. The husband covered her with a coat. Set your priorities. carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp." "Take care of the rocks first . After examining her. "Now. The man agreed to try. "I could give it a try. Have a laugh! Sunning in the Nude A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.. there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.the things that really matter. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!" . Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. clean the house. What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans. the sand filled up everything else." the medic said. "If neither of you objects. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff. Play with your children." The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job. The rest is just sand. Which proves: that no matter how full your life is. The sand is everything else. Take time to get medical checkups." said the professor." Under the circumstances. your car. pulled on his shorts. there is always room for a beer. The doctor quickly undressed. you will never have room for the things that are important to you." "If you put the sand into the jar first. "Hey. The same goes for your life. slathered on some honey and mounted the woman." the physician panted. but because he was so nervous. your health. There will always be time to go to work. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis." But then. your partner. both agreed. The small stuff. A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full. give a dinner party and fix the disposal. your children things that if everything else was lost and only they remained..your family.The students laughed. Take your partner out dancing. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. "I want you to recognise that this is your life. your house. he couldn't rise to the occasion.
so we were told to valia our canvas shoes. A two-year-old boy.. The matron saw one chile in leather shoes and she was like "u can't go to the river in your ink shoes". Not really understanding the instructions. The man was going to carry him across the border as if he were asleep. The boy was dead.Pray and be prepared for a shock when you read it. God Bless you in this united effort to spread the word. send it out there. come here!" . dead. we are helping. The saddest thing about the whole situation is that those persons who suffer are innocent and people we love. Please pass it on after reading it. with her husband. The mother went chasing but the boy had disappeared. Let's hope and pray it changes a lot of minds... Nani huyo ananyonya moto??(who is smoking)" "From a high school grammar teacher: "The girl goes to school." "From a Njoro School Teacher. ALL of his insides removed and his body cavity stuffed with COCAINE. he dropped the boy and ran. why are you wearing short-sleeved underwear?" "I kumbuka this time there was no water in school then we had to go to the river.iratu shia rangi. If you have a home PC. she did as she was told. too. You just might save a life! Someone passed this on to me and I thought we all needed reminding about how far we've come. a man approached the border carrying the boy. goesn't she?" From a Kianyaga High School Teacher. grateful that he had been found. Please send this E-mail to as many people as you can. Everyone needs to know about this. The mother ran to him. discarded as if he were a piece of trash for somebody's cocaine. At the last minute their baby sitter cancelled. This story is extremely sad. Quite a sobering thought albeit a hilarious one! Did you have a teacher in High School or Primary School who said things you'd want to share. "I remember this teacher who saw me wearing some particularly short rugby shorts and he shouted at me " wewe papa. They had been across the border for about an hour when the baby got free and ran around the corner. In the (less than) 45 minutes he was missing. The police were waiting and got him.. was planning a weekend trip across the Mexican border for a shopping spree. When the man realised it was the boy's mother. "Both of you three. The mother found a police officer who told her to go to the gate and wait. please read these and add any you may have and pass on to friends. My sister's co-worker has a sister in Texas who. If this story can get out and change one person's mind about what drugs mean to them. so they had to bring along their two-year-old son with them. About 45 minutes later. he was cut open.
But the comedy element of it carries the day. "Irate teacher to student. "Tomorrow I want you to come with your father. O SAA KIDOGO NASIKIA THUP! CHUMA KWA MACHO!" "This one from a student composition in high school: the car beat the corner in speed and then fell over and its legs faced up (gari ilipiga kona halafu ikaanguga na miguu ikaanglia juu -.k. 'Huniwezi!' Ironically. the stronghold of the Luhya: 'You can't me!' translated from. it goes like: "MIMI NILIKUWA NINA MENYA TORCH KWA RABOLO.a shrubers den: .(njohera kilo ya nyama na karatathi gatheru)" "This one's from Starehe a. how many times do I tell you not to eat this table.sheng)" "A kyuk once told the butcher: Forgive for me a kilo of meat with holy paper. there are many trees (many different Species but in a man made forest. This is not fiction. then I weep for Kenya.From the same teacher in a Geography class. After an incident where one of the form three students actually shat on one of the dining tables. "In a natural forest. The teacher said this during Parade: "I can't believe how a whole form three student can get on the heaven of the table.Kenya. "One hundred Kianyaga boys." "Heard at a bar somewhere in western province. there is only one tree (One Species)" From same teacher during High school sports. subtracts his trousers and miaring!" (You go figure) From the headmaster of Kerugoya High School He comes in the staff room panting and says: "A male cow was running after me" A bull had been chasing him. this was a group of schoolteachers and if those are the standards we expect future generations to go through. on the lane" (Those Kianyaga students competing in the 100 meters race to get on the lane) Yet another one from same teacher To a student not sitting at his respective table during lunch in the dinning hall "Gathumbi. Now go and eat your table and I should not catch you eating this table again" This one holds the record for this teacher. Anyday. "I heard this one from my bro who heard it from their wotchi in chuo: some jang'o wotchi was trying to explain how some students stole a few bananas from the school shamba and beat him up in the process. your mother and both your parents.
are you twice?" (figure that one out!!)" "In Kagumo the deputy principle amuad to pray for the Mtongwe disaster victims. (summoning an almighty frown) and make nyu miss nyour PERIONDS" Of course we all knew he meant our lessons but we were hot-blooded adolescent NGELS and read far too much into it. needless to say. 6. An outsider" "GWATIA NGARI NA UKINYE MAGUTA START THE NGALI AND STEP ON THE FAT. (For best results.On seeing twins enter his office. It went like this" rod(LORD) help those who (paused for a moment) PARTICIPATED IN THE MTORORONGWE AIR CRASH FERRY DISASTER" From the kyuk song "kanyoni kaja. continue to knead milk containers ) 5. we did miss our PERIOND! Please sample this out TRY OUT THIS RECIPE !!! INGREDIENTS: 2 x Laughing eyes 2 x Well shaped legs 2 x Loving arms 2 x Firm milk containers 2 x Nuts 1 x Fur lined mixing 1 x Firm banana DIRECTIONS: 1. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl. I'll nget 'olnd of nyou. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Look into laughing eyes 2. leave to soak (preferably not overnight)." An over-teased MALE Maths teacher in Moi Girls got really angry and shouted (in a typical Meru accent).. If banana doesn't soften. plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts. "Ngals. the assistant director said: "You look together. AND. As heat rises. The cake is done when banana is soft.. check regularly with finger 4.. The whooping and shouting that followed got the whole class into trouble with the head. Spread well shaped legs with milk loving arms 3. working in and out until well creamed. repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls . if nyu ndon't mbehave nyourselves. Ndestroy nyou.
I'm starting to get feathers down there too. and didn't quite know what to do. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. he beats me terribly. "Hey.Do not lick mixing bowl after use. When he asked the Boy about living with his father. don't you like it anymore?" She said" I love it but I have to stop eating it" "Why" he said. "That's right you are. "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. wash utensils carefully." said the judge. how come you're not eating chicken. So. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. right?" "No way!" replied the Boy." said the Boy." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter." She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. He said to the little girl. you have to live with someone. before and after use. "then you want to live with your mother. you've already got the neck and gizzard!!" Harambee Stars A kenyan Mama and Papa were splitting up.NOTE: . and their Son had to decide who he was going to live with. "Definitely.. "Yes." "OK. I can't live with my Papa. LEAVE TOWN!!! A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. She said "Oh. the boy said "No. He said. my God. he looked and said." answered the Boy. . better not eat any more chicken. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said.If cake rises. "Harambee Stars Hardly beat anybody this days anyway. "Harambee Stars Team at Kasarani" "You're sure they will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Well. the judge wanted to talk to the Son to see what he thought about living with either of his parents." The judge was a bit confused by this." A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. . "She beats me worse than Dad does. it's too late for you.If in unfamiliar kitchen.
With these few words. Queen. ladies under Gentlemen. "No. And we are fed up completely. I ask the band to play our international anthem of the Republic of Uganda and also the British International anthem. before I continue. Johnny stands up and says. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says. so that those plenty climates can come into to lunch. to become home to Uganda so that we can also retaliate on you." TYPES OF MEN YOU MEET IN A LOO Excitable Type: Pants are twisted. cannot find hole. "Your majesty sir. I thank you sir. invented guests. Queen. "Due to the weather. We have really eaten very much. (Maybe he really does know the answer). transportation has been stopped indefinitely. horrible ministers and Members of Parliament. But. You will eat a full cow. i just want to wet my finger to turn the Page" Here is a speech delivered by Amin at a sumptuous luncheon hosted by Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain. Even when you want to rest at night. And the teacher thinks. school was cancelled indefinitely." "Good" the teacher replies. and also very thanks. "As I felt my balls slap against her ass.But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer. Jim replies. My majesty Mr." Thank you very much to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished ladies under gentlemen sir. But before I go back to my Country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of London I wish to invitation you Mr. Sociable Type: Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. But next time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely. and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult because of full stomach completely. and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me.. I would ask you to keenly open up from all the windows. rips pants in anger." "But now I am sorry because I have to tell you that I have made a short call on you only. Queen sir. and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. so she calls on Jim. with my usual few words. I knew that I was in definitely!" A husband was reading a book on bed with Wife Besides. sir. so she calls on him.. . "Since the bus broke down. Lastly but not list. I here by thank you completely Mr. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of Uganda. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. I will make sure that you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of flesh air. his finger went to tease wife's PUSSY " You want sex?" she asked." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one.
Scared Type: Those that look at the wall because they are scared to look at what they're holding. but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. Indifferent Type: All urinals being occupied. fails.Timid Type: Cannot pee if anyone is watching. uses sink. farts. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse. Sneaky Type: Drops silent fart while peeing. Drunken Type: Pulls out his tool. tries to pee. It's your first time. makes a furtive but close inspection of his tool while peeing. Childish Type: Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing. Clever Type: Pees without holding tool. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool. Pretends he has peed and sneaks back later. walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later. Strong Type: Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off. Noisy Type: Whistles loudly. Cockeyed Type: Stands in one cubical and pees in next. Embarrassed Type: Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his fingers. farts and walks away. Disgruntled Type: Stands for a while. puts one back and pees in his trousers. Do no ask me where i fall. but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. shows off by adjusting tie at same time. Learned Type: Reads a book or newspaper while peeing. Absent Minded Type: Opens jacket. Sloppy Type: Pees down into his shoe. Worried Type: Not quite sure what he has been up to lately. As you lie back your muscles tighten. sees two. grunts. . sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him. He has had more experience. Vain Type: Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done. takes out his tie and pees in his pants.
In a Westlands jewellery store.. with a chuckle. When this sign is under water. "Customers who find our waitress rude. I can imagine what was on your minds.. when you can come here"? In a Nairobi restaurant. "Mental health prevention center".. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. but he slowly takes his time. Naughty! Naughty!! What were you thinking? You guys are all nuts. After all... You smile and thank your dentist.He probes deeply and you shiver. "No trespassing without permission" On an Athi River highway.. going deeper. On a poster at Kencom. " I know what you were thinking! In the window of an Indian shop along River Road.. In a city restaurant. wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry.. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.he's done this many times before. your body tenses. Open seven days a week and weekends too". Naughty. glad to have it over. "Why go somewhere else to be cheated. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him .. the road is impassable". "Take notice. ought to see the manager"... but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. On the grounds of a private school.. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. Ears pierced while you wait".. . He looks at you and smiling warmly.. "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so. we can help". pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. tells you. After a few frenzied moments... you lay panting. you feel the tissue give way.. As he presses closer.. that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you. His cool smile relaxed you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. A sign on an automatic restroom hand dryer. One of the Mathare buildings.
live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose". "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily". for instance men & woman. please don't read this notice". "Just wait until I get home." The doctor said. In a cemetery. Not wanting his wife to find out... and the Kenya Police are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. "Dear. Eventually.. and I will explain it to you.. she became pregnant by him. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.. The CID. read the postcard....." The Special Branch (National Intelligence). The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. . the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. "Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar"." Not knowing what else to do. and I don't understand what it means. In a Hindu temple. he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. In a Pumwani maternity ward. "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man". two without. A sign posted in a tourist camp site... "It is forbidden to steal towels. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. In some club.. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch. If you are not a person to do such a thing. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs. "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. He replied." Later that evening the doctor came home. In a Thika hotel. The President decides to give them a test. you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. and fell to the floor with a heart attack.. In a Mombasa hotel. "It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different sex."Do not activate with wet hands".. "No children allowed". I'll take care of all the child's expenses. "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves". Spaghetti A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten dog. he is doing equally well. But again. a tea girl will have invested more than the secretary along with whom she was recruited. messengers and cleaners who do better as far as individual financial security is concerned. is manning their stall in the market. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. for example. because it would be beneath their dignity to default on a tea girl's money. this kind of education has its disadvantages. She arrives at work much earlier than them. Today. to make sure her merchandise is distributed to various agents such as junior tea girls in nearby offices and a few street side vendors. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. She puts the child in a good school and pushes her to work for good grades. many of her bosses are in her debt. She also supplies mandazis to the secretaries at break time. the elder sister regularly selects the "first class" pieces and sells them at higher prices to the secretaries. Strangely enough. where they sell second-hand clothes. The military government of the day was deeply suspicious of educated people. As for our driver. whom she brought over from the village two years ago. Extremely humble and obliging before the executives. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest. at the end of the day. higher education is required for most jobs. her younger sister. and they make no apologies. she greets them politely and asks what they would like for their break. he is regarded as indispensable. After working for five years. The Kenya Police goes in. From among these. Get a Job.The SB goes in. Take the (dis)advantages of higher education. including the rabbit. to be highly educated in Uganda was a risky business. The tea girl. When the secretaries arrive. Meanwhile. doesn't just earn a salary. The dog is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! Go to College. She will even make sacrifices to pay for private coaching. Since she extends credit. the tea girl has decided that the child whose birth forced her out of school six years ago. it is the drivers. making them vulnerable to sudden destitution should they lose their jobs. They pay up as soon as they get their salaries. That is why so many people are going to university to earn a degree that will open the doors of employment. The rabbit had it coming. Borrow from the Driver Some things take a long time to change. They place animal informants throughout the forest. The CID go in. The driver will be more financially solid than the mid-rank graduate officer. After working there for 10 years.Because of spending so much time with educated people. Many of those who did not flee the country were killed. In the 1970s. It tends to condemn a person to total dependence on salaried employment. he knows the secrets of the top . killing everything in it. when you trace the adult lives of people at most workplaces. you see. who were deemed to be dangerous. who do not want to be seen in the downmarket stalls bargaining for used garments. will have the best education she can provide.
cannot imagine running a soda-and-cake network in the office. Mr. will be sent to the best schools if they are academically promising. He rules over his small empire with an iron hand. that means I may or may not have sex. If my hair is somewhat undone. Yet he goes to expensive clubs and wears trendy clothes. as it were. come the end of the month. they are absorbed into the family business at an early age. they spend much less and so are able to save and invest. he cannot build a five-star hotel. Buwembo is Editor of the Sunday Vision of Kampala. relying instead on his diverse incomes to run his home. But because they live close to the ground. The tea girl and the driver get salaries that are much lower than those of the secretary and the middle officer. on the other hand. At their age. he has no money left! Whereas the driver no longer touches his salary. that means I want sex. he is running two or three taxicabs as well as a small shop near his home.men in the organization. the former officer's sons and daughters sit around idly talking about Western film stars and singers. And if my hair is completely undone. Otherwise. Scary!! The author. So. They live in unfinished houses and are always quarrelling with their growing children. On their wedding night. who cannot cope with the fall in their standard of living. and most got cleaned out within a week. if my hair is done. The graduate cannot invest in the places he frequents and the circles he moves in. bow lower before him than he does before his bosses at work. The privatization and downsizing of the public service gave us many sad cases of senior officers who tried to start businesses with their retirement packages. His children. Unbeknown to his bosses. who are subjected to very strict discipline. He has a line of one-room rental houses and any tenant who is late with the monthly payment is evicted ruthlessly. The stronger ones converted their family cars into cabs. They therefore tend to let him get away with small sins like fuel bills that seem on the high side for the mileage covered. No prizes for guessing who is better prepared for life after retirement. both these people will have to leave their employment. the young bride went up to her new husband. One day. that means I don't want sex at all. "Since we're married now. who double as shop assistants. But the driver can open kiosks and bars in his slum. we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening. he has no income apart from his official salary. ending up as frustrated alcoholics. and can be seen touting for teenage passengers outside discotheques. The young graduate." . Such are the dangers of an elitist education. it was too late to learn new tricks. So. His drivers and wives. As the driver's and tea girl's offspring join the business sector with ease.
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
Ainsi soit-il ! Dieu se présenta à l'âne et lui dit : Tu es un âne. Tu vas durement travailler du matin au soir, en portant des choses très lourdes sur ton dos. Tu seras herbivore et pas intelligent. Tu vivras 50 ans. Après cela l'âne réfléchit et dit: 50 ans d'une vie pareille, c'est trop !Beaucoup trop ! Ne me donnes pas plus que 30 ans. Ainsi soit-il... Puis Dieu se présenta au chien et lui dit : Tu es un chien. Tu veilleras sur l'humanité, et pour cela tu seras le meilleur ami de l'homme. Tu ne mangeras que des restes et tu vivras 25 ans. Le chien répondit : Seigneur, 25 ans d'une telle vie c'est trop. SVP pas plus de 15 ans ! Ainsi soit-il... Puis le Seigneur se présenta au singe: Tu es le singe. Tu vas sauter d'arbre en arbre et tu te comporteras comme un idiot. Tu devras être marrant, et comme ça tu vivras 20 ans. Le singe lui dit. Seigneur, 20 ans à vivre comme le clown du monde, c'est trop. Ne me donnes pas plus que 10 ans. Ainsi soit-il... A la fin, Dieu apparu à l'homme et lui dit : Tu es l'homme ! Le seul être rationnel, le monde t'appartiendra. Tu vas mettre au profit ton intelligence pour réaliser plein de choses captivantes. Tu vas dominer le monde et pour cela tu vivras 20 ans ! Sur cela l'homme répondit : Seigneur, être un homme seulement 20 ans ce n'est pas suffisant. S'il te plaît, donnes-moi en plus, les 30 ans de l'âne, les 15 du chien, ainsi que les 10 du singe. Ainsi Dieu se préoccupa pour que l'homme vive 20 ans comme un homme, puis se mariera et vivra 30 ans comme un âne, travaillera durement du matin au soir en portant de lourds poids sur ses épaules. Puis il aura des enfants et vivra 15 ans comme un chien, il surveillera la maison et il mangera ce que la famille lui laissera. Puis, une fois âgé, il vivra 10 ans comme un singe, se comportera comme un idiot et amusera ses petits enfants. Ainsi soit-il... TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an
average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move KEEP READING.......
========================================================== TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
There was this case in Kenyatta National Hospital Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m.,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural no one could solve the mystery..... as to Why the death at 11AM? So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11...... Scroll down for what happened...
Mukhobero Wepukhulu , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner
TO MY CHILD Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying. Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is. Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park to play. Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together. Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles. Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms. Box 233 Phone:+263(1)13 3589 or 2279 Victoria Falls Fax:+263(1)13 2014 or cell 011405930 Zimbabwe SUBJECT: Satan's meeting (read even if you're busy) > >Satan called a world-wide convention of demons. There is only one way to save her and that is an operation. I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you. Just for this evening... I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up.. and ask him for nothing. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children. Sadly we don't have the money for the operation. except one more day. Just for this evening. AOL and Zdnet (in Zimbabwe) have agreed to help us. and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore. I will let you help me bake cookies... I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.O. Not long ago did the doctors detect brain cancer in her little body.. And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter. Hi! I am a 29-year-old father. a little longer.. It is then.. and miss my favourite TV shows. let them have their covered dish dinners. The only way they can help is this: If you send this email to other people AOL will track this email and count how many people get it. In his opening address he >said. Just for this evening.Just for this afternoon. so . I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. our power over them is broken. and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. God blessed us with a child too. We can't even keep them from >forming an intimate relationship with their saviour. Every person that opens this email and sends it to at least 3 people will give us 32c. but steal their time. Once they gain that >connection with Jesus. I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.. Our daughters name is Rachel and she is 10 years old. Just for this afternoon.. I will snuggle beside you for hours. We can't keep them >from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. George Arlington P. Just for this afternoon. or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. (in Zimbabwe dollars) Please help us. "We can't keep Christians from going to church. Me and my wife have had a wonderful life together. Just for this evening.. that I will thank God for you. Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray.. I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry. So let them go to their >churches.
" "As their families >fragment." >"This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ. VCR." > >"Invade their driving moments with billboards.>they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ." >"Keep skinny. said the devil. services >and false hopes. > >"Tempt them to spend. and borrow. soon. beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands >will believe that outward beauty is what's important." > >"Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive. > > "Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes >to occupy their minds." > >"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day." >"Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night. their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of >work!" > "Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still. and >every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products. small >voice. CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and >see to it that very store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. >This is what I want you to do." > >"To keep the TV." > >"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail. so they can afford their empty >lifestyles." "Give them . borrow." he answered. mail order catalogues. and they'll become >dissatisfied with their wives. Distract them from gaining >hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their >day!" >"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted. > >Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 >days each week." >"Keep them from spending time with their children. borrow. 10-12 hours a day." > >"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. spend. spend. sweepstakes.
" "Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk >about his resurrection and power over sin and death." >"That will fragment their families quickly!" >"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the >real meaning of Christmas. sporting events.>headaches too!" "If they don't give their husbands the love they need." > > > "It will work!" "It will work!" > >It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing >Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed. > >I guess the question is. Having little time for their God or their families." > > >"Even in their recreation." > > >"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power >from Jesus. busy!" > > >"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship. sacrificing >their health and family for the good of the cause. busy." "Keep them busy. ~*SPECIAL PEOPLE*~ . they will begin to look elsewhere." >"Send them to amusement parks. and movies >instead. concerts." "Have them return from >their recreation exhausted." > >"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. plays. going here and >there." "Soon they will be working in their own strength. if you aren't too BUSY! Read this. involve them in gossip and >small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences. > >Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives. has the devil been successful at his scheme? > >You be the judge! Does "busy" mean: > >B-eing >U-nder >S-atan's >Y-oke? > >Please pass this on. let them be excessive.
They may teach you something you have never done. and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. but. to provide you with guidance and support. a season. Your job is to accept the lesson. it is because your turn has come to share. When someone is in your life for a REASON. Thank you for being a part of my life. to see how many of you actually read your e-mail! Your response will be interesting! Here goes: People come into your life for a reason. emotionally. or a lifetime. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. When people come into your life for a SEASON. our desire fulfilled. and they are.This is sent to the special people in my life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is a blessing. this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. love the person/people (anyway). Then. only for a season. They may seem like a godsend. What we must realize is that our need has been met. They have come to assist you through a difficulty. When you figure out which it is. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time. their work is done. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Sometimes they walk away. it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. you know exactly what to do. Smile and stop here if you're not into this final part: This . grow. or learn. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. or spiritually. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Sometimes they die. those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. I am sending this to you. Believe it! It is real!. to aid you physically.
Jesus.. There is no additional fee required. This is due to a willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve. is providing factory authorised repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. as it is primarily expressed. resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units." or more commonly known as SIN. This defect has been technically termed. Some other symptoms: [a] Loss of direction [b] Foul vocal emissions [c] Amnesia of origin [d] Lack of peace and joy [e] Selfish. 0 Replies = you may need to work on your "people skills" 2 Replies = you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing. Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect. Send it to every friend that you have online. including the person who sent it to you. or violent behaviour [f] Depression or confusion in the mental component [g] Fearfulness [h] Idolatry [i] Rebellion The Manufacturer. due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. The Repair Technician. regardless of make or year. "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality. 4 Replies = you have picked your friends well 6 Replies = you are downright popular 8 Replies or More = you are totally awesome (and probably why you're on MY list!) IMPORTANT NOTICE The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured. . has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.is to show people you love them and to see how many people love you!!!!!! Don't feel embarrassed because only you will get the results.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. the Holy Ghost. and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. O o and told them this (the big circle) . Jesus. I'll see you back in court Monday. "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Have a good one! Look what some lunatic sent me. download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician. I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. Once connected. your honor. if it stinks just let me know. for further details on the use of these fixes. the two guys were in court. Thank you for your attention. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises! WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty. As an added upgrade. For free emergency service... into the heart component. please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. The judge said. DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. Next." Monday. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram." "17 people? That's wonderful. call on JESUS. Sorry. and the judge said to the 1st one. Jesus will replace it with: [a] Love [b] Joy [c] Peace [d] Patience [e] Kindness [f] Goodness [g] Faithfulness [h] Gentleness [i] Self-control Please see the operating manual. Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. your honor. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is. the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician. I drew 2 circles like this. "you seem like nice young men. HOLY BIBLE.
.. Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.. how did you do?" (to the second boy) "Well your honor." said the judge. the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. The father quickly draws him aside and hands him $20 also swearing him not to tell his mother. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time. as soon as he sees his father. then suddenly died. Exhilarated. Thinking he has found a master key to easy money. Ol' Fred Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital. As the preacher stood next to the bed. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. I used a similar approach. The little girl said. The family called their preacher to stand with them.. "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"... "Then you ask him". (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison.. it was physically impossible. he opens his arms wide and declares" Well then son.is your brain before drugs. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.. come and give your dad a hug!" I lost the RD and reproduced this from memory A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. so he placed it in his jacket pocket. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. he tells him: "I know the truth!" The milkman takes a long look at him and. (draws 2 circles) o O "I said. Don't assume." "That's admirable. near death." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you do that?" "Well. I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.. "And you.. as soon as he sees the milkman. Irritated. "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied. .." From Readers Digest A young boy thinks that he can get anything by declaring: I know the truth! So he tells his mother " I know the truth!" The mother calls him aside and hands him $20 swearing him not to tell his father.. The teacher asked. breaking into a grin.Don't ignore. he blurts out: " I know the truth!. and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note..
I haven't looked at it. never bother to divorce. "Please step to your left -.YEES FATHER ." Priest: "That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch. and everything else EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9pm 4.At the funeral. as he was finishing the message. he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. they just separate 3. showers." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand. He said." He opened the note." Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what "into my "you know where" Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what "into her "you know where") Girl: "YES FATHER .Forgive me father for I have sinned" Priest :"What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes father. consider 'clubbing' or 'henging' as a monthly expense 8.YEES FAAAATHER!!" Priest: after a few minutes)"That’s no reason to call ! him a son of a bitch" Girl:" But father he had AIDS! Priest: "SHIT!THAT SON OF A BITCH!!! Girl : ". are late to church. Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. refer to diabetes as 'SUGAR' 5. they eat like parking boys and take a plate home 7.Forgive me father for I have sinned" Quite funny (and true)! ONLY Kenyans 1. in relation to #5. "You know." Girl: "Then he touched my breast. graduation." Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father. birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and hair done but no gift 6. leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives . and read." Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her hand) Girl: "Yes father. are engaged for 5 years or more 2. work. I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.you're standing on my oxygen tube!" Girl: ". show up at weddings. but knowing Fred." Priest: "That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Priest: "Like this?(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father.
"e. "Are you going to spend at her place?" 15. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20 acre tea farms in Kenya." The young rooster laughs. "Come on.. "Lord.. 13. is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters . I will race you three times around the farmhouse. eg "At ours. 10. Believe "Ati" is an English word for "What?" 18. give me strength because I'm about to knock the hell out of this child" 11. Call their homes "at ours". Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors. "OK old fart. e. surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Think that taking a clerical job in a company is better and "cooler" than toiling in their parents' family business. young stud." The old rooster takes off running.Say ''Spend'' when they are staying the night elsewhere from home. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says. time for you to retire.invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child's 1st birthday party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kids(including the child) in attendance. so just to be fair I will give you a head start. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to "shaggs" for a week in December.g "ME I donno why you are saying that I always say 'Me I'. borrow money for a wedding. 12. what are you saying?" 17.g. Look what it has done to me. only to pack them all back again after that one week and return to "Tao" 21. "I tell you what. "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over. Call travelling "flying out" eg She flew out (no one ever seems to wonder where all these Kenyans fly to) 22.Think all their economic and social problems are caused by "Moi" when in fact some have never been to school.Start every sentence with "Me I. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says. 20. The farmer.9..g. 14.have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE e. Use "Gai" as an exclamation mark eg "Gai." The old rooster says. meanwhile.. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him." The old rooster replies. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it "I don't know how I got home that day the way I was drunk!" 19.refering to them as ''Burglar'' 16.spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed. we eat Githeri every day" New Kanu Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed the gap. 23. 24.
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.... third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but only four parachutes. The first passenger says: "I’m Zinnedine Zidane, the world’s best soccer player. Fifa needs me, I can’t afford to die" So he takes the first pack and leaves the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says: "I’m the most ambitious woman in the world. I’m also a New York senator and a potential future president "She takes the second parachute and jumps out. The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, says; "I am president of Zimbabwe and I have 13 Million helpless people who always look up to me for guidance. Above all, I am the cleverest president in African history and Africa’s people won’t let me die. "So he puts on his pack and jumps out. The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-Chinese school boy; "I’ve lived a full and fruitful life and I’m well prepared for the after-life so I’ll let you have the last parachute". "That’s okay. says the boy. "There’s a parachute for each one of us. Africa’s cleverest president has just taken my school backpack". The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS." Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'puttputted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She went to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed. In this world we live in today, not enough people bother to say just how much you are appreciated. Lives go by, and people die, and never know how important they are. So at the funeral, everyone shows up to show their respects to the family that is left. But wouldn't it be great if we could tell them how we feel before it is too late? Don't wait until your family and loved ones have passed, because the worst feeling in the world is not being able to share how you feel. So take the time and pass this on to let your loved ones know that you love and appreciate them. Make the best out of life, because it is gone before we know it KENYA WOMEN KIKUYU WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you! LUO WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. LUHYA WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes Ugali and Ingokho. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. MERU WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. SOMALI WOMAN: First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets. Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along. Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you. Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion. KAMBA WOMAN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Guiness, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Machakos. KISII WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers. KALENJIN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. MAASAI WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back. At first. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. 2. never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal. it always comes back to get you! Dear Sir. the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. to everyone's amazement. P. Live simply. 3. 4. Free your heart from hatred. He would shake it off and take a step up. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.S. all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping. Moral: When you try to cover your ass. Free your mind from worries. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. Expect less. The donkey later came back and kicked THE CRAP out of the farmer that tried burying him. Then. Give more. he would shake it off and take a step up. hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons: * I do physical labor * I work at great depths * I plunge head first into everything I do * I do not get weekends off or public holidays * I work in a damp environment * I don't get paid overtime * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation * I work in high temperatures * My work exposes me to contagious diseases . the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. 5.Third date: Wedding night. Pretty soon. Sub: "Salary increase" The penis. the donkey was doing something amazing. One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you. he quieted down. A few shovel loads later. it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. Sincerely. you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. After assessing your request. In your case. laughing and frolicking about. the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: * You do not work 8 hours straight * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods * You do not always follow the orders of the management team * You do not stay in your allocated position. I'm going to do something I've never done before. After all. let's try Hell first. but where should I go first?" asked Bill. God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied: "Well. sandy beach with clear waters. Bill. It was a beautiful. God.. "Well. The Management Bill Gates died in a car accident. .Yours truly. such as wearing the correct protective clothing * You'll retire well before reaching 65 * You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work * And if that were not all. then. There were thousands of beautiful women running around. What's the difference between the two?" God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.." So Bill went to Hell. playing in the water." "Fine. you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. thanks." Bill said: "OK. The sun was shining .. Penis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Dear Penis. and considering the arguments you have raised. clean. and often visit other areas * You do not take initiative .you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift * You don't always observe necessary safety regulations.
dead in the back yard. Bill responded. Bill was very pleased. "How's everything going. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven. "Mommy almost died this morning. However. with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. this is not what I expected. Bill?" God asked. his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful. "If this is Hell. "Fine" retorted God. I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine" said God and off they went. "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that. his father questioned. So Bill Gates went to Hell. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says: "That was the screen saver. "as you desire". At a loss for something to say the father replied. When God arrived in Hell. screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said." Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well." Fearing something terrible had happened.and the temperature was perfect. I think I prefer Hell" he told God. I can't believe this happened. two days later when his father came home from work. "Hmm. Two weeks later. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. "This is great!" he told God. Heaven was a high place in the clouds." Laugh for the morning! Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy. Daddy?" asked Little Johnny. God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. He was being burned and tortured by demons. he found Bill shackled to a wall. "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!" . as he fought back tears.
This was when the fever started. What is her motive in killing her sister? Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. This he did. This was a test by famous American psychologists used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. I'm coming!' And. she would have Subject: This is a psychological test Do not prematurely scroll down and look at the answer.. About this time... he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. she met this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was. When the Police asked her why she did that she gave a shocking answer. HONEST! Anyway. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile.. then he turned off most of the lights. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Then he started to kiss and hug her.. rather curious. and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting.. and she became flustered. 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming. and like other boys his age. When she was at the funeral of her own mother. If you answered this correctly.. because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. if it hadn't been for the neighbour who was holding her down.. The main character in the story is a girl. Finally. Here it goes. mumbled Little Johnny. because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open. If your friends hit the jackpot.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 8 inches long. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. One day he took his questions to his mother. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When sis saw it she got really scared. and she started . go to the police and tell them to lock you up.good for you.. I found out what was making them so sick."Well". Except he's not as good as the doctor. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. This guy happened to be her dream guy so she fell in love with him at once. He was getting sick too. sis got toward the end of the couch. may I suggest that you keep your distance :) Little Johnny was 7 years old. just like the doctor would. If you didn't answer correctly . He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart.
Think about those who only wish they had a house to take care of. when? . apathy. be thankful.. I knew it was dead because it just hung there very limp and some of its insides were hanging out. sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. When you pay your bills. Mother started looking sick and her eyes started getting bigger. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. Appreciate that you have a job. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway". and you want to give up. Appreciate life. Think about the people who have no food to eat at all. then another. be thankful. be thankful. have a baby. she made a noise and let the eel go. be thankful you have a house.. If not now. You could be one of them! When you think everything in your world is terrible. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. And by golly. think of the people who have been told they only have a certain amount of time to live. the eel wasn't dead after all. Some people don't. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.. be thankful. When you realize how much work it is to take care of a house. Please send this message on to everyone you know I'll be happy when. If you see a gray hair. If you have a bad day at work. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle. they finally killed the eel. After that. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. When you find yourself waiting in line or the recipient of poor service. All of a sudden. You can pay them.they have nine lives or something. we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. but they went on courting anyway. when we get a nicer car. We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married. be thankful. I guess it bit her back.calling out to God and stuff like that. He started hugging and kissing her again. Things could be worse. Think of what it would be like not to be able to walk! If you get irritated by other people's anger.. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Live life to its fullest. or insecurities. I guess eels are like cats. When you feel like complaining because you have to walk a long distance from your car. bitterness.. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. be thankful. After about 25 minutes of struggle. Think of the cancer patient in chemotherapy who only wishes for any hair. They don't want to give up. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. ignorance... Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
Until your kids leave the house. Until your car or home is paid off.. Until you get a new car or home. pass this on to someone special. on the topic of happiness. he spotted a man in the middle. Until winter. love like you've never been hurt. Until spring. Until you get a divorce. having a bigger smile. Until you have kids. I am right .everyday" the happy man answered.. "You seem to be a very happy man. special enough to spend your time with . So how often do you have?" "Well. So work like you don't need money.. "Sir. he saw a man with his hands in the air. Until you lose 10 lbs. How often do you have?" "Once a week. If you want to brighten someone's day. stop waiting .the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of love making you have" said the philosopher.. Until you go back to school. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of love making you have!" To prove this he glanced at the audience. I just did! "Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men. Until you die.Your life will always be filled with challenges. Until summer." the man shouted... Until you finish school. "There. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. And he asked him "Sir. Looking for another happy face." the man answered. and. But far off at the end of the room. dance like no one's watching. There is no better time than right now to be happy. "Once a month. So the philosopher said to him. treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special. he saw another man laughing. Until you retire.. "You sure look like a very happy man?" . smiling. Happiness is a journey. So. and remember that time waits for no one. So.. And he saw a man at the right hand corner. Until fall. Trying to prove his theory further. not a destination. Until you get married. Happiness is the way. How often do you have?" he asked. . Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. Until you gain 10 lbs.
It's only 10 simple questions. you sit with a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side .. Read on... and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT. and also send it to the person who sent this to you. The man answered "Once a year. "So how often do you get to have?" the philosopher asked. forward this to everyone you know. When talking to people you a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear. with little steps c) less fast head up. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. this is very interesting! Here's something that you may find interesting . Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. so .. And it only takes 2 minutes. psychological profile . grab a pencil and paper. at many of the major corporations today. 1.don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate.. keeping track of your letter answers. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Ready?? Begin. looking the world in the face d) less fast. head down e) very slowly 3. Answers are for who you are now . not who you were in the past. IT'S TONIGHT!!" Dr. or smooth your hair 4. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. When relaxing. touch your chin. The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box.. Yes . Please do the same before forwarding to your friends." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??" The man while laughing. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. including the one who sent it.. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon &and early evening c) late at night 2." answered the very happy man. with long steps b) fairly fast. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. Yes. You usually walk a) fairly fast. When you finished. and let them know who you are.. Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.... Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. Phil gave this test on Oprah..."Yes.
you lie a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side.. in those last few moments before going to sleep. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7. You often dream that you are a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. appreciative laugh b) a laugh. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. you react with a) a big. When you go to a party or social gathering a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance.b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. do you .. slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. trying to stay unnoticed 7. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. When you are in bed at night. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. concentrating hard. You're working very hard. looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. When something really amuses you. but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 . and you're interrupted.
(a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting. but modest. he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. highly volatile. . 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily. charming. someone who's constantly in the center of attention. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. and indecisive. You're seen as vain. http://g. rather impulsive personality. who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as very cautious. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. a slow and steady plodder. and put your score in subject box. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. nervous. cautious. self-centered. someone who needs looking after.msn.9. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends. careful & practical. Some people think you're boring. but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. and understanding. expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then. 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible. but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. considerate. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. though not always the right ones. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy. or talented. 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh. lively. who's quick to make decisions. a natural leader. but don't always trust you. Now forward this to others. and always interesting. gifted. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Others may admire you. OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". extremely careful. but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. They see you as bold and adventuresome. They see you as clever.com/1HM1ENUS/c152??PI=44364 Viagra Diary of a Housewife Day 1. They also see you as kind. amusing. wishing they could be more like you. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. practical. usually decide against it. someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. someone who will try anything once. and who is extremely dominant.
I mean. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem. Day 4. he says he has a big secret to tell me. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill.. But. the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. Okay.. he actually thinks I haven't noticed. A woman has needs. This marriage is in trouble. Today. Yesterday. I can . I'm basically being screwed to death. He's a complete pig. Day 3. I told him that if he takes Viagra. things will be just like they were on our wedding night. he was using his new friend as a weed eater. he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over. I have to admit it's very nice . And to make matters worse. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Day 6. Day 10. Day 5. he says. Day 13. hoping to lift something other than his mood. instead of mowing the lawn. I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears. Even my armpits hurt. Day 7.. I wish he was gay. a girl can only take so much. cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous . Day 11. Day 8. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.. He might catch me. What absolute bliss!!. Every time I shut my eyes. I think he took too many over the weekend. and he wants me to be the first to know..I don't think I've ever been so happy. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra. I've stopped wearing make-up. Day 9. there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. No time to write. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. I admit it. No pun intended! Yesterday at Burger King. He's impotent. He thought they were talking about him.' It's called Viagra. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean.Day 2. Day 12. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Yesterday. I think this will work. I'm hiding.
I'm starting to stick to everything sit on.. Sex has been very embarrassing to me. I call mine Sex.. I think I'll have to kill him. Day 19.. What absolute bliss!!. Nothing is working. sorry" thing again. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops. Day 17. Day 15.Christ!!! here he comes again. Day 16.. "You don't understand. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license. He said. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. He's back on Prozac." He replied. . I'll kill the bastard. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. I said. I hope the bloody thing explodes. "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Help me.. "I would like to have one too!" Then I said. I have had Sex since I was nine years old. Day 14. Now.. I've done everything to turn him off. Day 18. A DOG NAMED SEX Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. "You must have . Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married. we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied. My family was barred from the church from then on. "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. Well now I've been thrown in jail. I ." The clerk said. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. . "Same here!" Last night Sex ran off again. "You don't understand. I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. Sex keeps me awake at night.." When I decided to get married. I said. When my wife and I separated.. "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." I said. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. But before the competition began. "Your Honor. I said. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist. I said. When we checked into the motel." -.been quite a strong boy. I spent hours looking all over for her. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon. "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. the dog ran away. she asked me.My case comes up next Thursday. I took the dog with me. "I'm looking for Sex." The Judge said. "You don't understand.
I noticed the preacher under the bed. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. but how did you arrive at it?" "Well. "If you firmed this up. With a death grip in place. "You know. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps. the pool man." the younger doctor told her. That was what was probably making her sick. just like you at the last house. if you firmed this up. I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash." and the doctor said." Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? . "I've been a little sick to my stomach. When I bent down to retrieve it. we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. the elder doc said. "Well." Arriving at the next house. "You know. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up." LITTLE FLAB One morning while making breakfast. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "Huh." A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. we could get rid of your bra. the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said. At the first house a woman complained. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. Sitting at a cafe." As they left." The older doctor said. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said. The next morning. and your brother. the little old man says. she said. I dropped my stethoscope.can't live any longer being so lonely. so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog. I think I'll try that at the next house." the younger doctor said. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said." This was beyond a silent response." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church. we could get rid of the gardener. the postman. "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct. "Pretty sneaky. they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman." While this was on the edge of intolerable. you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. she kept silent. "Look mister. if you firmed these up. "You didn't even examine that woman.
that f*****g fence wasn't electrified. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because. the movement is a blur.. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. "Well". Never under estimate the little old Lady. He says. so he asked her. in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that. he says to himself. A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. Well." I PROMISE YOU WILL LAUGH This is funny and I can't risk any bad luck. yes. I remember it well. what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen.We left this cafe. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips. the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.. and I'll give you one from behind. particularly at your age. Well.. and they do not stop for a single second. Reflecting on what he has just seen. "Son. let's go there again. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash. thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. not from his friends. 50 years ago. said the little old man. If only I could shag like that now. Sure enough. She replied. "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing. the young man is stunned. He gets up and follows them." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. Plucking up courage.000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies. and the little old lady reaches for the fence. let alone in 50 years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. "Sir.. "for old time's sake. the young man approaches the pensioner. and gave you one from behind?" "Why. "I have to know his secret. they collapse and don't move for an hour. dear. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself. Finally. went round the corner behind the gas works." replies the little old lady with a grin. not from his own experiences. Limbs are flying everywhere. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this not in the movies. . "$165.
the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls." said the president. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged. turning from side to side." The president then asked. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied. "Well. "That's a stupid bet.000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said. The President asked the old lady. for example. "I make bets. may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president." ." Just then.000 that at 10:00 AM today. would you like to take my bet?" "Sure.000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. "A prostitute. at precisely 10:00 am. One twelve-year old answers."Ma'am.000 is a lot of money." A Roman Catholic nun is in charge of a Class of girls. except I bet him $100. The next morning. That night. The president did." "Ha!" laughed the president. he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. I'll bet $25.000 that your balls are square. "Well. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. I'll bet you $25. "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied. the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. "$25. "So. and asks them what they would like to be when grown up. so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Okay. "Nothing. but since there is a lot of money involved. I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." said the president. "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said. again and again. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25. "Okay. I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.The nun fainted. which he would ignore. We're here to take care of YOUR needs so we'll call you "The People"." And your baby brother. Finding the door locked.. wanted to be?" "A prostitute." exclaimed the nun. you . Kenya.. "what . and looking at the girl she said. son. " Your Mom is the administrator of the household. After a short while she revived. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep." Again replied the girl. let me try to explain it to you this way. we'll call him "The Future. "Thank you Jesus. "For a moment I thought you had said a Protestant." Now. The experiment was going to be held at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi. In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched." A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world.. He had an empty briefcase next to him.. Not wanting to wake her. "What's politics?" Dad says.did . so we'll call her "The Government". In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. so let's call me "Capitalism. say . he goes to the nanny's room. we'll consider her "The Working Class. but the people conducting the study were attacked by robbers on the way to the airport. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched. In Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. beaten severely and the briefcase stolen along with the car! A little boy goes to his Dad and asks. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes. So. think if it makes sense. He gives up and goes back to bed. . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. "Well.you . "I'm the breadwinner of the family. The nanny works hard all day for very little money so. the little boy goes off to bed. he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. thinking about what his Dad has said. In New York.
You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. The little boy replies. eat once a month. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years. tell me in your own words what you think politics is about". "Well. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. with option on one more.The next morning. You sell one and buy a bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one. The annual report says the company owns eight cows. "Good son. The public buy your bull. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. the Government is sound asleep. leaving you with nine cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. I think I understand the concept of politics now. "Dad. You sell them and retire on the income. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. the little boy says to his father. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States. Both are mad. AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. and force the other to produce the milk of four cows." The father says. with a tax exemption for five cows. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. but you don't know where they are. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. and milk themselves. then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company. Your herd multiplies. and the economy grows. . You break for lunch. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
You have 300 people milking them. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look. The man says. Wife: Oh. so. I was going a little over 60. A minute or so after coming to a stop. You charge others for storing them. That one on the left is kinda cute. Bill took Chelsea in the back and said. has never had much to offer in the sack. a police officer approaches the car. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. "Chelsea. "Not another brother!" She rushed to her mother's side.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. We are supposed to get married next month. Chelsea had the most exciting news. high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers." Chelsea ran out of the office screaming. He isn't really your father anyway. none of which belong to you. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions.A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. . Hillary began to laugh and said. "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. and the Cop A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. you're mother. telling her about her all about dad's shameful behaviour and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons." A Man. Harry. I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occasion. "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. His Wife. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. You claim full employment. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. Man: No sir. She burst into the room shouting. You count them and learn you have five cows. he is your half-brother. "Don't pay any attention to him. you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry. He is my son and thus. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. as you might have heard. although an ideal administrator and public speaker.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! 9. The little boy says. while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance. Harry. her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. 2. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change. "It's dark in here. Only when he's drunk. A woman has the last word in any argument." Man . A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 7. To be happy with a man."$250. To be happy with a woman. you must understand him a lot and love him a little. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed."That's nice. can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks. One day. so she hides the lover in the closet. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says. 6. 3.Man: Oh. "For cryin' out loud. you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells." Boy . "Yes. it is." Man . A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."I have a baseball."OK. A woman takes a lover during the day. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance." Boy .before and after marriage." What is the difference between men and women? 1. thanks. but he doesn't." . while her husband is at work. I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. "Ma'am. how much?" Boy ." The man whispers."Want to buy it?" Man ." Boy . you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he will change. "No officer. 10. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."No. 4. 8. Her husband comes home unexpectedly. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 5."My dad's outside. Wife: Oh.
" The third surgeon says. "I can't. I like construction workers." .000." The boy says." Man ." The father asks." The second responds. "Yeah. Let's go outside and toss the baseball. That's way more than those two things cost. "Don't start that shit in here!" Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. and when the job takes longer than you said it would. because when you open them up." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door..In the next few weeks. it is. "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1. Boy ."I have a baseball glove. "No." A few days later.."$750." Man . The first surgeon says. The boy says. it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. "Grab your ball and glove." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know. those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.Remembering last time. "I like to see accountants on my operating table. "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that." The father says. but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."Yes." The priest says. everything inside is numbered. I sold them."It's dark in here." Boy . I really think librarians are the best." Man ."Fine. "It's dark in here. everything inside them is in alphabetical order. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess. the father says to the boy. asks. "How much?" Boy .
"Mum." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice." Mother said. She is administrating. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it. She has been sick and under the doctor. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. 5. I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Now.But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face. what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?" Mother said. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it. "Don't worry dear. One day. your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!" . It tasted great!" Shocked. a few years ago. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married." These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country. 1. the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother. Like Mother Like Daughter A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. 6. Please execute her. she would take out the apple and place it on the washbasin and after bathing. no heart. 8. We have to attend her funeral. "Mum. mum. she forgot to put it back and left it on the washbasin. I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the washbasin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared. every time the daughter wanted to bathe. 3. after bathing. One day. I'm worried. Please excuse Johnny for being. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. It was his father's fault. Now. "Don't worry dear. Here's what you do. 7. This went on for a few months. she would put it back in her hole.E. She was sick and I had her shot. Please excuse Jesse from school. "Honey. Please excuse Jenny. He had very loose vowels. thanks for the apple. 9. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. 2. Please excuse Lola for being absent. 4. He was damaged in the growing part. and no spine. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. 10. today. There's no guts. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P. and the head and butt are interchangeable. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother.
.. moral. the screwee.. Signature of screwee :___________________________ Date of birth :___________________________ Date of conduct :__________________________ Insanity I thought you'll enjoy this. I do not know if he is married or not. coercion or promises to influence me.com Every time someone asks you to do something. and I do not care..CONSENT FORM SIGNED BEFORE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE: This certifies that. I am in my right mind and I am not under the influence of any narcotic substances. Don't disguise your voice.. Furthermore I. sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. At lunchtime.I did..... and do not expect or wish to marry him. I'm entering this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does.. threats. Signed naked before jumping into bed on this _________ day of the _________ Month in the year of our Lord 2002. In addition.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname. In the event whereby I receive the full satisfaction. I will not act as a witness against him nor will I file charges against him should I fall pregnant.. contract a sexual disease or feel that he is violating any legislation. legal or otherwise... The aforementioned screwer need not use any force. See if they slow down. I am neither asleep nor drunk. ask if they want fries with that. which I expect.. . Page yourself over the intercom. I declare in advance the capacity and willingness to further participation as soon as time permits... Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname. am in no fear of him whatsoever. I am above the lawful age of consent. I the undersigned female (hereafter referred to as the "screwee") is about to enjoy sexual intercourse with ________________ (hereafter referred to as the "screwer").
" Develop an unnatural fear of staplers." Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions. scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!" . Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. in stall 3. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender. Insist to others that you like it that way. Ask people what sex they are." Sing along at the opera. Laugh hysterically after they answer. tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. In the memo field of all your checks. switch to espresso. Five days in advance. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go. For example. write 'for sexual favors. Don't use any punctuation. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. "If anyone needs me. Rock Hard." Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy. Wear them one day after your boss does. As often as possible." Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. "That's what you think. skip rather than walk. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. When the money comes out of the ATM. I'll be in the bathroom.' Reply to everything someone says with. Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
"Due to the economy.Don't stop After .Don't start .Twice a night After .She called me a controlling.She says she loves the way I take control of a situation After . your mother is here!" Before .Twice a month Before ." Every time you see a broom yell. "It's not the voices in my head that bother me.Monday Night Football Before . "Honey. they're loose!" Tell your boss.When leaving the zoo.Saturday Night Fever After . we are going to have to let one of you go. start running towards the parking lot yelling.You take my breath away After .I feel like I'm suffocating Before . manipulative egomaniac Before ." Tell your children over dinner. "Run for your lives. it's the voices in your head that do.
It's like he lives in a dorm Before .I can't believe I ended up with someone like you Before .Idol After .Jump-start Before .Before . After .He's completely lost without me After .Croissant and cappuccino After . honey Before .Time stood still After .Why won't he ever ask for directions? Before .Bagel and instant Before .Maybe you should have just a salad.Turbocharged After .It's like I'm living in a dream After .Where did the time go? Before .Passion After – Ration Moral: Let's enjoy the good times before they're gone!!! .I can hardly believe we found each other After .We agree on everything After .$1.Fruit-of-the-Loom Before .Is that all you're having? After .$60/doz.We can't agree on anything Before .Victoria's Secret After .50/stem Before .Idle Before .
Laughing so hard your face hurts. 14. 6. A good conversation. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.. 2. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter. No lines at the supermarket 5. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 16.you'll see why at the end! Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one. 19. 1.. Hearing your favourite song on the radio. A bubble bath. Chocolate milkshake. 11.. 4... (or vanilla!) (or strawberry) 13. . A hot shower. The beach 18. 20. 12. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 17. 15. Getting mail 7. 10.Please make sure you forward this back to me.IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD specially the thought at the end. 9.. A long distance phone call. Laughing at yourself. Giggling. Falling in love. 21. Running through sprinklers. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 8. A special glance.. 3.
33. Making chocolate chip cookies. 32. Making eye contact with a cute stranger 40. Swinging on swings. 25. Laughing at an inside joke. Playing with a new puppy. 30. Friends. Road trips with friends. 23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favourite drink . 43. Hot chocolate. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. . Spending time with close friends. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid. 35. 41. Sweet dreams. 31. 37. 34. 36. 39. 28. Going to a really good concert. 26. Having someone play with your hair. 42. 29. Winning a really competitive game. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.22. 27. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 24. Having your friends send you home-made cookies. 38.
In total disbelief. 46. I'd turn to stone. Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good or bad) never change. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. The man asks the boy. Be sure to send it back to the person who sent it to you! Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. 47.44. he blew his air horn several times as he was nearing down on them. . Holding hands with someone you care about. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress. 49. "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!" The little boy replies. 45. he got out and walked to the front of the truck. 50. he watched as the strippers danced. Riding the best roller coasters over and over. Once he was in. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way. Turn To Stone Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road. PASS ON THESE NATURAL HIGHS TO AT LEAST 7 PEOPLE IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR AND SOMETHING FANTASTIC WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS. making wild and passionate love. so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Just as he was starting down the equally steep slope.. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. Furious.. 48.and all of a sudden I felt something hard! Truck Driver A truck driver was driving a fully loaded lorry to the top of a steep hill. Watching the sunrise.
The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept.. both my parents were not as lucky as Uhuru's parents." The wife's face goes blank.. to have the unprecedented access to your ears. The passion is heating up. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. you have never specifically listed what those qualities are. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out.. but she does not care). I was coming." The husband says.no.He looked down at the two.! "I am ready to go. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.. She says. government administration. have you actually tallied how many other Kenyans of Uhuru's age are married with children? If so. President. if these are the strongest qualities for the President of the Republic of Kenya. store. 2. You were the only one with brakes.in view of your recent statements about Uhuru Kenyatta.. I would have been as lucky as Mr. honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. She goes for the tennis bracelet. she was coming and you were coming. the man looked up at the truck driver. which I hope you can answer for me . "Look. We'll take all three of them.and by extension . "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!! Dear Mr. you have always cited his marital status and the fact that he has children.I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.for the silent Kenyans." no . The husband says "but you don't even play tennis..." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says. still in the road. but OK if you like it then lets get it. and yelled. lets go to the cash register. But Mr." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I have a few questions." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. Unfortunately.no . "I don't feel like it. But then the wife stops and says. 1. Uhuru Kenyatta. Could you be very kind enough to explain to Kenyans the qualities that attracted you to uhuru and that you are inviting Kenyans to accept? I am particularly interested in those aspects of Uhuru's qualities that relate to public service." Financial Needs Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. I just want you to hold me. and gets a set of diamond earrings. management. They never occupied any exalted place in the Kenyan polity. I am also doubtful that though I could be counted as a "Young Turk. Second. And then tells his wife. obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said. President: I am forced to write to you at this momentous time in this extraordinary public manner because there is no other viable way I can reach you. although you have repeatedly told Kenyans that you chose Uhuru because of his exemplary qualities. when you tell us that Uhuru is so young yet very experienced and knowledgeable that he should succeed you as president of the Republic of Kenya. First. Be that as it may. leadership and organization." having been born after independence. "No honey . what are their chances of succeeding you? . "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed?" Eventually.
Mr. And of course.U. we are still worried about all those half-answered questions about Dr. could you please Mr. did you seriously consider and consult the views of other Kenyans of your generation and political experience like Ramogi Achien'g Oneko. could you please publish your response the same way my questions have come to your attention? I thank you sincerely for taking time off from your busy campaign swing across Kenya to . Seventh. President just explain to Kenyans who these are so that we do not have to bother those owners again? And while still at it.A. why have you not done something to accelerate the stalled Constitutional Review Process? 10.U.President. what constitutional or legal basis allows you to use public facilities like police and military equipment to campaign for Uhuru Kenyatta? Could you also explain to Kenyans where both you and your entourage get the millions of shillings you have dishing out at every campaign stop you have had? Once more. However. 6. since I am not able to communicate with you directly. President.N. Fourth. Sunkuli. President. you have told Kenyans numerous times that you love peace and that you would like to leave Kenya a peaceful place to live in.N. you have repeatedly told Kenyans to trust your judgement about Uhuru because of your fifty-plus years in politics and your wisdom. If you love us so much as to go to the extent of bringing Uhuru to life from political oblivion.3.A. President is the statement you recently made in Kisumu about K. President. Ouko's death and the aftermath of the aborted inquiry into that death when we see you solicit the "power" of Mr. has its owners. Third. Some of us have also been wondering what kind of message you are giving to the financial markets and our friends abroad when you ask Kenyans to vote for a Jirongo and a Ruto.N. And finally Mr. Were you misquoted or you meant what you said? And if indeed K. could you also tell us when K. Eighth. you have also exhorted Kenyans to support your favourite choice because he is not a tribalist.U. some us have wondered what message you are sending out to young girls in Kenya when you ask them to support Sunkuli.U. was purchased by these people and for how much? Who sold K. to its new owners? What happened to the old owners? 8. Biwot to help you "elect" Uhuru to the presidency of the Republic of Kenya. Fifth.having its owners. could you please tell Kenyans when and how you discovered this ideal quality in Uhuru? 5. Ninth. then why do you find it so difficult to accept our verdict that your choice is defective? If you truly love peace. However. asking us to support these chosen sons of Kenya as our next rulers.N. Martin Shikuku and Bildad Kaggia? 4. But Mr.A. Kenyans would like to know whether or not you are really serious about this Uhuru Project or is it just like the other experiments you tried and abandoned before? 9. Jirongo. Mr.A. Biwott and William Ruto. If this is true Mr. why are you putting Kenyans on a collision course? Have you cared to ask Kenyans why they have rejected Uhuru as inexperienced? 7. Sixth. we have seen you traverse the full extent of our nation with Uhuru Kenyatta.
. pleased that the subject had finally come up. Then as she was about to leave the house. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.. She was hungry. May God give you more strength to fulfil your duties to the Nation. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. dear. the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. she paused and asked. Without checking the contents.. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.address these questions for us. "But then. Yours faithfully. when I have a baby." responded the blonde teenager.. "won't it knock my teeth out?" Birthday Gift A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long. Before You Leave A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip. and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter. I offered her a ride. TRUE KENYAN And where r u all? Good day. 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so. I want you to hear how this all came about. so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes. her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave. If it had not been for your sister. but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they . I saw this young girl. the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. lovely thing. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister. he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. During the wrapping. here we are!" Teeth A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. after careful consideration. and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young. he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. Just as she was about to storm out of the house. looking poor and tired." replies her mother. These are a delicate shade. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "Is it true what Rita just told me . Driving home. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
How do you expect that to happen if the heart of our capital city. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. You and Kong'ani should be thrown into jail for seeming to go against our young and visionary leader. We could just get the Old Kenyatta note's back and sticking to one image on the money . When you take them off. double. paying salaries of city hall askaris and all that old generation garb. Where you belong is in the dead opposition and you better go there HARAKA SANA! BMM > Kongani. > You are mad!!! However." sample this! ============= Subject: 10 reasons why Uhuru Should be President Wanjira. schools and other public institutions with the new Presidents name. 5. 6. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! P. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. Kenyatta Hospital once renowned for its efficiency and success will go back to its old King George glory days. on the contrary. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. Kenyatta Avenue will remain the main street in Nairobi and better still will be rehabilitated and cleaned off the street kids. remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. there are more reasons still why Uhuru should > be president. We have vision. 4. 1. That will create employment in numerous sectors. Our visionary leader's main agenda is to create employment. putting up residential houses. a lot of it. Kenyatta avenue. We do not need rename our roads. triple or even quadruple every year. 3. 2.are hardly soiled. be elected Mayor and then there will be no need to waist money on garbage collection. is rid of street children?!!!!! The number will.S. Uhuru Park will remain the main arena for Public Holidays – better still it will receive some better attention and you can be sure it won't be grabbed. Kenyatta Market might just get an upgrade. automatically and most democratically. One of the street children will also. about which you are unlikely to know much.
13. Fewer fashion colleges in line with the lack of fashion sense by the office bearer.just like the dollar. 7. Add more that might come to mind but leave these Top 10 reasons intact. 20. 16. 10. 9. 15. ending the long stretch of joblessness.in line with the Osa Vinya Mukamba plan. Harambees will again mean pulling together for some worthy cause. Dental care will cease to be a priority thus allowing the citizens to use their hard earned disposable income on other needs including #15 17. The Kenyatta Stadium in Machakos will see some increased activity bringing some much needed revenue to Ukambani . We get to keep Kenyatta Day and with Moi day scrapped we do not have to worry about too many public holidays that have an adverse effect on our GDP. 11. 19. 8. 12. We will see a upsurge in the sell of the 'kenyatta' belt. Point 5s will get a confidence boost and it will be fashionable to date and even marry them. Academics and so-called hard work will cease to be a virtue in Kenya as Idlers and Mommy's boys will rank very highly. a fantastic picnic spot will come to the fore of many who do not even know it exists. My favourite estate "Unyee" will have clean highrise buildings just like Nyayo Estate in Embakasi 21. thus an increase in the much needed foreign exchange 14. Uhuru gardens. parents can thus redeploy hard earned cash to other obligations including #15 18. Uhuru na Kazi motto may at long last bear fruit. Kenyatta University qualifications will start to hold more weight in the job market. Taxation on alcoholic beverages will be reduced to increase volume consumption. thus still managing to have projected tax returns and a happier nation. We will get to see old bags retiring at 55 again as they will not be able to keep up with the youthful energy soon to be unleashed. Many more Kenyans will know the Kiswahili word for Independence .
but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets. 29. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. Thuggery will be everyone's stock-in-trade. We can shut down all churches and mosques and worship under a mugumo tree and thus use church and mosque buildings as off-licences. never sit on a public toilet seat. teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. We replace cigarettes with snuff and thus finally we can declare: Snuff makes us equal. But by this time. has no equal. During the movie pee. etc) 23." which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. Then.G. 26. she'd bring me in the stall. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then. Since he is the only one who is above tribal politics.22. with the conesquence that no one will need to worry -. she'd instruct. he will destroy all those who are below tribal politics (all the rest of us!!) and he will then live happily ever after. 15 above. red-eye sensors. That was a long time ago. it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. As a little girl. especially those with powerful. The national call to action will shift from "harambee!!!" to "niaje!!!!" which will be more familiar to the new President and his cronies. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. 28. Mungiki will replace the trainers at Kiganjo (a change is better than a rest) and we might just see some good results (no need for police uniform.M. DC Mwango (as he then was) will be punished for publicly humiliating and shaving a school teacher's goatee in the mid-80s. Police will stop arresting people for drunken driving since they will be permanently drunk themselves according to No. "Never." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. They are psychic toilets. My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. . Mungiki will ensure all Kenyan women undergo F. And we'd go home. 27. Subject: FW: The female loo experience This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. 30. I'd have peed down my leg. Finally. she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. thus preserving our beloved traditional values and keeping society moral.since we will all be thugs! 24. 25. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film.
"What took you so long?" he asks. It doesn't matter. You get up quickly. You hang your handbag on the door hook. Then your thighs begin to shake. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors. the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes. even if you had enough time to. not that there was any. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors. You're finished peeing. like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet. You check for feet under the stall doors. you cross your legs and you hold it. "What was that for?" the man asked. yank down your pants and assume The Stance. frankly. because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because. To take your mind off it. so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. You're soaked by the splashing water. you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies. And you finally get closer. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. So. And at the bathroom. Might as well be ready when you are done. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long! as the Mississippi River. a stall door opens and you dash. you see your spouse. so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women. "Here You might need this. It would have to do. annoyed. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom. but it's too late. used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket. you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene. you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door.You know what I mean. Relief. sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China." At this time. You drink a two litter cup of Diet Coke. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. still waiting. dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward. You yank the paper from your shoe. You're exhausted. At that point. . You get in to find the door won't latch. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. about ready to explode all over your internal organs. then sit still through a three-our saga because. for God's sake. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom. you reach for the toilet paper. who has entered. "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get. you give up. Every one is occupied. Your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew. in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. More relief. directly onto the toilet seat. Finally. So. also crossing their legs and smiling politely." By this time. plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly. Your thighs shake more.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket." The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. "Your horse phoned."
here comes another dossier!!!!
Moi running scared of Uhuru's homosexuality From: Kanu insider - Mon, Sep 09, 7:26 AM Moi sacked Peter Odoyo as assistant minister Foreign Affairs after Odoyo threatened to reveal sordid details of Uhuru's time in Boston. What Moi fails to realise is that the truth is coming out before Uhuru becomes president and not after. Moi's plan is to bring the Kikuyu to ridicule by plugging a homosexual as the next president. This is his way of avenging the treatment meted out to him when he was VP by the Kiambu mafia. The Kiambu mafia are driven by blindness and only care that one of their own will be president. Until this weekend, Uhuru was an easy sell but knowing Kenyans distaster for homosexuals, Uhuru is going to be a hard sell. Moi never forgets nor forgives and this is his way of paying back the Kikuyu in spades. Kenyans have not seen anything yet and the next few days promise to be very ugly indeed. 1.This guy has no "CV"... no company will hire him coz he has a lot of blanks in his CV. He's been doing zero, nothing for so many years. The job he got with the Tourist Association, was as a result of his mum pleading with Mo1 to give him something to do - sources confirm. 2.This guy has never seen the reason to work – a member of the board of directors at Egerton not even one meeting did he attend. As the chairman of the the Kenya Tourist "whatever" - never did he travel to sell Kenya abroad. 3.The Kenyatta family owns Brookside, Kenya Aerotech, NAS etc. Not even Kenyatta's immediate family will entrust Uhuru to run any of these Companies. Muhoho runs them. Who is he to manage Kenya. 4.We know he's a drunkard, as confessed by those waiters at Grand Regency,but more so this guy is lazy as a pig. I can never envision this guy waking up at 5:00 am to be in his office by 6:30 am.Kenya needs a "workaholic" leader(the likes of Raila, Saitoti, Nyachae, Kibaki) and not a "slacker" like Uhuru – no wonder he was late for his father's memorial in August..... 5.Why is it that's it's only his Mum that has endorsed him to succeed Mo1. What about the rest of the K family? They know something - we don't. 6.He's not smart enough to realise that he is being used as a genie pig coz Moi's intention is to
look for a kyuk within Kanu to match up with Kibaki. No regard to Kenya's interest - anything for Kanu to win to protect Moi's interests in retirement. As Kibaki calls it tribal arithmetics. 7.Has he been part of a team to draft, or better still to look at, Kanu's manifesto - No. Kenya Budget - No. Fiscal Policy - No. Foreign Policy - No Constitution of Kenya - No....... 8.Before Moi, this guy had never won an election - reason's are he had no development track record and has never had any. Someone says: Uhuru should be send to cape town, we'll be having the Gay Pride march soon...sure he can earn some votes there! He belongs to Chama cha Rear Movement (CRM). Watu wa Nyuma. The guy is an ass-pounder, he is a weirdo and honestly seems high on a mixture of grass and petrol. Please spread the word like wild fire!! Pass it on.... Subject: MY MOM.... Hi, I'm sorry about this fwd. My name is Jasmine. I'm 11 years old. My mommy worked on the 20th floor in the World Trade Tower. On Sept. 11 2001 my daddy drove my mom to work. She was running late so she left her purse in the car. My daddy seen it so he parked the car and went to give her the purse. That day after school my daddy didn’t come to pick me up. Instead a police man came and took me to foster care . Finally I found out why my daddy never came.. I really loved him.... They never found his body.. My mom is in the Hospital since then.. She is losing lots of blood.. She needs to go through surgery.. But since my daddy is gone and no one is working.. We have no money .. And her surgery cost lots of money.. So the Red Cross said that for every time this email is fwd we will get 10 cent for my mom's surgery. So please have a heart and fwd this to everyone you know I really miss my daddy and now I dont want to lose my mommy too.. R.I.P. Daddy..(James Thomas) WHEN YOU FWD PLEASE ALSO FWD TO THIS LETTER BACK TO ME... AT.... jasNmom2001@yahoo.com <mailto:jasNmom2001@yahoo.com> SO THAT THE REDCROSS PEOPLE CAN COUNT THE FWDS. thank you for taking your time to fwd this email this really means alot me and my future.. love, Jasmine
Heart warming. Have a blessed day---Ciru A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 yearolds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?, " gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or That's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying To make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, The blood, as you know would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
. so if you see anything funny that you think others might like. The boy asked. "Paw. . I dunno. not taking his eyes off the young woman."I know.. a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. Solution : Tourner le verre jusqu'a ce que la partie ouverte soit vers le haut. Cause : Ton verre est incliné sous un angle incorrect.uci.bio. silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.edu/~jokes Go Git Yo Mamma A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. 1-Symptôme : Pieds froids et humides. "Boy. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. please mail it to me! Check out the auto jokemailer on the web at: http://rgiskard. Solution : Va te sécher aux toilettes les plus proches. "Son. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement. 2-Symptôme : Pieds chauds et mouillés. tu t'es pissé dessus. What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded. Cause : Vous n'êtes toujours pas sorti des toilettes. "but what is growing in your butt?" If you have a friend who would like to join this joke list and get a new joke everyday have them send mail to jokes@rgiskard. but especially by two shiny. I ain't got no idea'r what it is.edu with the subject SUBSCRIBE (using other subjects or addresses WILL cause delays) I'm always looking for new jokes too. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous. They were amazed by almost everything they saw.. voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. 3-Symptôme : Le comptoir est en émail blanc. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. said quietly to his Son. The father. Cause : Ca y est.uci.bio. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room." she replied. go git yo Momma.
13.. Putting it simply. 8. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK. we will call your private . 10. Solution : Demande au moins où ils t'emmènent. Cause : Tu t'es gourré de maison. 9-Symptôme : Reflets multiples de visages te regardant fixement dans l'eau. Solution : Arrête de faire le crétin. Solution : Ne pas bouger.Symptôme : Le sol se déplace sous tes pieds. Cause : Tu regardes à travers un verre vide. Cause : Deux videurs te sortent du bar.Solution : Appelez a l'aide. Solution : Retire tout ça et régale-toi la bouche avec un bon gin tonic.Symptôme : Les gens autour de toi parlent avec un écho mystérieux.Symptôme : Vous n'avez pas la bière que vous avez commandé depuis ¼ d'heure. Cause : Tu es tombé sur le dos. 7.Symptôme : Un énorme spot de la disco t'aveugle. Cause : Le comptoir est derrière vous. you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Solution : Positionne ton corps à 90 degrés par rapport au sol. Cause : Tu es dans les toilettes.. 4. 12-Symptôme : Ton père a l'air très bizarre et tes frangins te regardent d'un air étonné. The bride tells her husband: "Honey. Solution : Retournez-vous. votre bière est la. Cause : Tu es allongé dans la rue et il fait déjà jour. Cause : Tu es dans une ambulance. Solution : Redemande une tournée de ta boisson favorite.Symptôme : Ta bouche est pleine de mégots. Solution : Demande leur s'ils peuvent t'indiquer où est la tienne. Cause : T'as piqué du nez sur le cendrier. Cause : Tu as le verre dans l'oreille.Symptôme : Vue troublée. 11-Symptôme : La disco bouge beaucoup. essayant de vomir. Solution : Mets-toi un doigt dans la gorge. 5-Symptôme : Le mur d'en face est plein de lumières. 6. Sweetheart. les gens sont habillés en blanc et la musique est assez monotone. Solution : Café et une petite goutte pour se remettre. Possible coma éthylique.
but I've no idea what to make of your information.." 4. Afterwards. the guy reaches for his cigarettes." said the woman. "I am.. If anything." Limply turning his head. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. and after death she respects him... the guy is lying face up on the bed. gives him a suggestive smile.." answered the balloonist. totally exhausted. "Honey. and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. after marriage she suspects him.. "everything you told me is technically correct. Next day." replied the woman. Before marriage. she expects a man. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her." The woman below replied. Nudging him. 5. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. "Hey." After the second time they spent. "You must be in Management. but I don't know where I am. he smiles: "Then we will have to re-imprison him. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. They got married . but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.Have a good weekend. 3. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him.. "Honey. the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. "How did you know?" "Well.. ----------------------------1. "Excuse me.place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. he lays back on the bed.. "but how did you know?" "Well." Turning on his side.and now he is going thru hell. and the fact is I'm still lost. it's my fault. thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love. Afterwards. you've not been much help at all." said the balloonist. Women are unpredictable.. his bride giggles: "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped. you can be sure he is married. He descended a bit more and shouted.. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds :"Wife wanted ". But the girl. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. If both his hands are on the wheel." "You must be an engineer.. You have risen to where you are -. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife. "you don't know where you are or where you're going.. smiling with satisfaction. 2. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine. ." The woman below responded. He YELLS at her. can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago. he received a hundred letters.. but now.. you've delayed my trip. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep. it's not life imprisonment!" "A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Frankly." And then they made love for the first time." "I am. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.due to a large quantity of hot air.. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." replied the balloonist. She nudges him and says. somehow." guess this is what happens in reall life !!!!!!!. the prisoner escaped again.
" "I'm having trouble with my wife. dès lors elle doit être transmise. but today is the last day." The poor man wrote back." "But that ought to make you happy. The letter said. car la chance ne s'achète pas. La chance viendra à toi par la poste ou internet. ." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days. L'original estconservé aux Pays-Bas.6. " If you don't promise to send us $100. What's the matter." Objet : Précepte chinois L'ARGENT Il peut acheter une maison Mais pas un foyer Il peut acheter un lit Mais pas le sommeil Il peut acheter une horloge Mais pas le temps Il peut acheter un livre Mais pas la connaissance Il peut acheter une position Mais pas le respect Il peut payer le médecin Mais pas la santé." 7. Ne conserve pas la lettre plus de 96 heures." "It did. you look depressed. Ce précepte a déjà fait 8 fois le tour de la terre. " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours. Maintenant c'est à toi qu'il apportera la chance Après réception de cette lettre tu auras de la chance. Il peut acheter du sang Mais pas la vie Il peut acheter du sexe Mais pas de l'amour PRÉCEPTE CHINOIS Un précepte chinois doit apporter la chance. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. Ceci n'est pas une blague. Envoie la copie de cette lettre à des personnes qui ont besoin de chance.000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife. N'envoie pas d'argent.
> > > > >> >>> >N'envoyer pas d'argent car la foi n'a pas de > > prix. de ce qui s'est passé: Constentin a reçu la 1° lettre en 1953.. S'il vous > > > > >> >>> >plaît envoyez des copies et voyez ce qui se > > produira d'ici 4 jours. un employé. Le précepte a été écrit par un missionnaire aux Antilles. Envoie 20 copies a tes connaissances. jours + tard.Des ex. Karlos. un missionnaire d'Afrique du Sud. Elle provient de la Nouvelle Angleterre et a fait le tour du monde 9 fois. reçu cette lettre et l'oublia. il en rit et la jeta. Envoie simplement 20 copies et attends de voir ce qui se passera le 9° jour. tu recevras de bonnes nouvelles ou tu auras une excellente surprise. la copia 20 fois et l'envoya. jours plus tard son fils naquit malade. Ceci est vrai. 9 jours tard.. quelques jours plus tard. la chance vient maintenant de vous être envoyée. n'envoie pas d'argent et ne signe pas. tes ami (e) s. même si tu n'es pas superstitieux (se). Il rechercha la lettre. Ne gardez pas > > > > >> >>> >cette lettre. > > N'envoyer pas > > > > >> >>> >d'argent. La > > lettre doit faire le > > > > tour > > > > >> du > > > > >> >>> >monde. mais des copies à des gens qui > > auraient besoin de chance. elle doit quitter vos mains >d'ici > > 96 heures. . N'oublie pas. > > > > >> >>> > > > > > >> >>> >La chance provient du Venezuela et a été >écrite > > par Anthony de > > > > >> >>> >Croud. En 1967. Je te l'envoie car elle doit faire le tour de la terre. Grâce à qqn qui vous aime bien. Qq. l'heureuse nouvelle arriva. Qq. >Cette feuille est envoyée en guise de bonne chance.il perdit son emploi. il demanda à sa secrétaire d'en faire 20 copies. a ta famille. > > > > >> >>> > > > > > >> >>> >C'est à votre tour maintenant de le renvoyer. son fils était sauvé et avait retrouvé la santé. Bruno reçu cette lettre. 9 jours + tard il gagna 9 million de marks à la loterie de son pays. c'est pourquoi vous devez faire 20 > > copies et les envoyer à > > > > vos > > > > >> >>> >amis.. Par la suite il envoya cette lettre en continuant lachaîne et devint fortuné. Vous recevrez la chance en moins de >4 > > jours dès réception > > > > de > > > > >> >>> >cette lettre qui vous est destinée.
A heads up waitress rushed over and chirped "Refill Mam?" It was priceless! BEIJING. En >1987 > > la lettre fut reçu > > > > par > > > > >> >>> >une jeune californienne qui constata qu'elle > > était illisible. so the staff there knew us. The lady just smiled at him and tossed her coffee right in his face. vous recevrez une surprise . > > > > >> >>> >même si vous n'êtes pas superstitieux. most of the fines in Beijing have been for spitting. + tard elle vint à la réécrire. After being served coffee he cooly informed her that she was being dismissed. Elle ne se débarrassera pas de >la > > lettre dans les 96 > > > > >> >>> >heures. where we all gathered frequently. As his first official act he decided to save the company money by cutting down the sales staff and decided the way to do that was to fire the highest paid sales person on staff. although there are a fair number of fines for carelessly disposed cigarette butts. > > ceci est vrai. CHINA (AheadOfNews. jours. A couple of years ago our company hired a new head of sales. The government denies that. He was the nephew of the owner's wife and that was all he had going for him. mais > > l'a mise de côté pour > > > > la > > > > >> >>> >faire + tard. resulting in many fines and quite a few arguments. . So far. Some said that the government had deliberately not publicised the new laws in order to get more money from fines. saying that the law against spitting or littering was even better publicised than most new laws. > > > > >> >>> > > > > > >> >>> >N'oubliez pas : N'ENVOYEZ PAS D'ARGENT > > N'IGNOREZ PAS CETTE > > > > >> >>> >LETTRE CA FONCTIONNE VRAIMENT Another chuckle from work. Of course she was also the top sales person.New laws against spitting and littering went into effect this week in Beijing.com) . > > l'envoya telle que promis et > > > > >> eut > > > > >> >>> >une voiture neuve.> > > > >> >>> > > > > > >> >>> >Après qq. In his brief stay with us he did a lot of obnoxious things but this was my favourite. Elle > > > > >fit > > > > >> >>> >la promesse de la refaire à la dactylo. He invited her to breakfast at a local coffee shop.
and send it to the person who sent it to you. and intend to take the government to court over the issue." An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch. This is a holdup. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them. "What are you looking for?" "Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got four or five girls ready-n-able?" The receptionist looked perplexed. The receptionist stared at him. We might be best friend some year. you've HAD it!" "Oh. and truly cherish you." she exclaimed. so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life. Remember. but lay down face up. whispered: . Pop?" she asked." he replied. someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all. then replied. not an office party. ." "How old are you. outside Reno.000. just for introducing themselves. Pthpt Li and his brother Sptchpt Li say they've being repeatedly fined. " . and tell new friends you never will. If I were to give you $20. Her boss. Nevada. "You gotta be in the wrong place. no matter how often you talk. Miss Jones. "Ready for what?" "I want a girl. even if I never talk to you again in my life. "I wanna get some action. "Everything but my earrings. "How much do I owe you?" The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice.but most of all it is because I luv you! Send this to all your friends.Two brothers claim that they are being unfairly singled out by the new law. respect you. don't talk that often the next year. and don't want to talk at all the year after that. One cute young secretary removed her clothes." said the old man. lying next to her. minus 14%. So. "You graduated from the University of Florida. everyone needs a friend. I look up to you. or how close you are. just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school." " A hold-up man came into the loan company office." the old man rasped. "Turn over. I just wanted to say. ordered everyone to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor... how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment. "Ninety-two? Pop. a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. Pretty good friends the next year. "Ninetytwo. I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home. He called her into his office and said.
To take some other monkey's life. When the troops hit the beach. "I just thought we were getting along. The very idea is a disgrace. Finally.. The Royal Marines go fishing. No monkey ever deserted his wife. "now listen. Discussing things as they're said to be." United Nations Strike Force. There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it... but if you're going to treat it. And another thing you'll never see. Then it took the police three more hours to put the firemen out.. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. Said one to the others. or use a gun or a club or a knife. And let the coconuts go to waste. man descended. first you've got to promise not to laugh.." "Of course I won't laugh." After my husband and I had a huge argument.."MONKEY'S VIEWPOINT" Three monkey's sat in a coconut tree. The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive. if I put a fence around the tree. the doctor fell laughing to the floor. starved her babies and ruined her life. Why.. "So now you're speaking to me. a monkey build a fence around a coconut tree. or pass them on from one to another. till they scarcely know who their mother is.. revealing the tiniest p*nis the doctor has ever seen." he said." he said.Go out at night and get in a stew. Unable to control himself. you two" There's a certain rumour that can't be true. And you have never known of a monkey to leave her babies with others to bunk. "Oh. "Doctor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. and proceeded to drop his trousers. on the third day. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman. ." Roger said. Dis is fuuunny!!! Roger went to the doctor and said. "No. forbidding all monkeys a taste. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. It took firemen three hours to put the fire out. starvation would force you to steal from me! Here's another thing a monkey won't do--. we ended up not talking to each other for days." "Okay then.. I promise it won't happen again.Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen." I said. brother. "I'm so sorry. he didn't descend from us! There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls from a nearby burlesque theater stayed during showruns.. Yes. That man descended from our noble race. I've got a problem. the ornery cuss. "I'm a professional.. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. But." the doctor said." He looked confused. "I don't know what came over me. he asked where one of his shirts was.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all. The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese. The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them. The Spanish are late. The Germans land and build a car factory. The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is. The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution. Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes. The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu. The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks. The Italians go sunbathing. The Matell Corp. The Russians open a chain of massage parlours. The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans. The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it. The West Indians go looking for the Dutch. The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals. and say the English gave them no other choice. Delta Force makes a movie about the landing. The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them. . The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal. The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits. The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.The French don't care whose beach it is. The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St.S. The Kentuckians open a KFC. what they should do. The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet. The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL. The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac. The Swiss apply for a bank charter. The Saudi's start drilling for oil. The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors. The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep. The Panamanians ask the U. it's French territory now.000 administrators paid for by the English.000 GI Joe's and one Barbie. The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues. The Swedes just want to screw. Patrick's Day. then offer guard their landing strip. sends 10. The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away. The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake. The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan. The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it. The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards. The Canadians watch the Americans very closely. The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them. The Lybians blow up two UN planes. The EU want to set up a commission of 50.
"The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly." the farmer said. the way they say your name is different. The Pakistanis build a Motel Six.age 6 "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. in her own bed. it could be in her own house. that's Ethel." Terri . The driver. Well.age 7 "Love is what's in the room with you a Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. And She catches him in the act all he has to say is "Baby. whatever.." Billy . even when his hands got arthritis too. to make sure the taste is OK. M..sometimes believing it! A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field." "What does love mean?" ***** A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds." Danny .age 8 "When someone loves you. Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles." Rebecca . "When my grandmother got arthritis. See what you think. That's love.age 4 "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him. "Don't pay any attention to her. The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway. The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.. a convenience store and gas station. lying..age 5 "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. noticed one of the cows looking at him.. bastard cheating on them.." said the cow. H. waving his arms franticly back toward the field.age 4 "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. "I believe it's your radiator.age 5 ." Karl . Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. "Oh. The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars." Bobby . So my grandfather does it for her all the time. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. turning back to the man. getting out to see what was the matter." Chrissy . The funniest thing about women in bad relationships is that when they catch the no good. "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. let me explain" and she actually stands there and listens to his crap..
" Me: "So.age 8 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]. thought so." Server: "Is that it?" Me: "Yep." Jessica .age 5 "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.age 5 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Manager: "Ask for something else." At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill." Jenny .age 6 "There are two kinds of love." Server: "That'll be $1. you should start with a friend whom you hate.age 6 "My mommy loves me more than anybody." Lauren . you ever see a $2 bill?" Manager: "No." Tommy . I'll be right back. your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. I figure that with a $2 bill. this is weird. Server: "He says I have to take it." Bethany ."If you want to learn to love better. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. I'm going in back." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift. hang on a sec. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.age 4 "When you love somebody." Elaine ." He comes back to me and says Server: "We don't take these. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill." Server: "I can't tell him that. you tell him. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.age 4 "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. to go. eat here?" Me: "No." [My emphasis] Server: "What should I do?" Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money. People forget.age 7 "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross. I'd like one seven layer burrito please. hang on a sec. Server: "Hey. God's love. I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. Do you have anything else?" Me: "Just this fifty. I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me." Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE. Me: "Hi. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.age 4 "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt.age 4 "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." The manager approaches me and says . But God makes both of them. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" Server: "I don't know. who is still within earshot. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her. A what?" Server: "A $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. a fifty." Mary Ann . shouldn't you take it?" Server: "Well. then he wears it every day. On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need." Chris . He looks at it kind of funny and Server: "Uh." Server: "Yeah. you should say it a lot.04." Manager: "Just tell him.age 7 "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Karen .age 8 TACO HELL by Peter Leppik The following is a *true* story." Me: "See here where it says legal tender?" Server: "Yeah. But if you mean it." Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?" Server: "Yeah. Our love." Mark ." Noelle ." Nikka .age 6 "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it." He goes to talk to his manager." Server: "No way." Clare . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. This guy just gave it to me.
When a taxi pulled up." Security guard walks over to me and says Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." Manager: "Fine." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" Manager: "I don't know." Me: "What the hell for?" Manager: "Please." Manager: "Would you please just leave?" Me: "No." Me: "No really.' "We're tired of being a haven for all these aging hippies and socially inept academics." Manager: "We don't take *those* either." Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous] Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. but everyone thinks we're a bunch of granola-eating. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. have it your way then. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This is the taxistand where people who return from Marseilles always come to." Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill.." Security: "So. what's wrong with this bill?" Manager: "It's fake.' The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle. A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores. Doyle?' asked the taxi driver. and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. the fifty's fake?" Manager: "NO. Mr. no. he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it. 'What is that?' 'Your name is on the front of your suitcase. just for effect. there's no such thing." Me: "Why the hell not?" Manager: "I think you *know* why. the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes. go ahead. too. I could probably end up in jail." but I wanted to eat. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. a *two* dollar bill. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things. was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. and I begin laughing out loud. sir. At least you get free food. so I said Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." says the mayor. call them. 'This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. here's a two." Me: "Uh. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. And so." Me: "Uh." Security: "Really? What?" Manager: "Get this. what's up?" Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money. PLEASE. sir. Can you talk to him. he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris." I put the bill up near his face.] Me: "Well. He takes the bill. and not French. Doyle was flabbergasted.' the driver said. "SURE. we don't take big bills this time of night. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. that's Burger King. Mike. the $2 is." Security: "It doesn't look fake to me." Security: "Yeah?" Manager: "Well. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.Manager: "Sorry. Sherlock Holmes. ." Me: "No. in a whisper] Security: "Yeah. 'No." Me: "Why?" Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say. is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot.' Doyle remarked. "We're part of the midwest. and says Security: "Mike." Me: "Excuse me?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security. In one situation. why?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security.. If I got the right group of people.' 'There is one other thing. I have never seen you before. and get him out of here?" Security: "Yeah. 'This is truly amazing. tell me. I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Security: "Lemme see 'em. 'Where can I take you. turns it over a few times in his hands. Your clothing is very English.
'" The actor is thrilled. Peering intently at the letters he said.5 kids. the sweet aroma of my mistress. "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. but when Dad retired. One of them pointed a gun at a teller's head and shouted: "Give me all your money. Finally. We're not! We drink more beer per capita than Chicago. and not even Milwaukee can touch our bratwurst consumption. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb. did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the director. The audience is screaming with laughter. The curtain goes up. Little Johnny felt the letters." There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. "You forgot the bloody rose!" A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. "This is the most important part. he's practicing his line over and over again. "What happened. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. the time comes. Mom usually kept the checkbook. the actor walks onto the stage. the name change is just the first part of the plan. All day long before the play. "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!" My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on balancing a checkbook. It seems Mom hadn't wanted to deal with any more math than she had to. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. He was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only dollar amounts recorded. She'd round up if the partial dollar amounts were 50 cents or more and drop those under 50 cents. currently we're looking for people with 2. The director says. A group of burglars (of a particular hair color) were robbing a bank. he took over all the financial duties. the sweet aroma of my mistress. to show him." When asked what they meant by "average". "Ah. who was not old enough to read. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny. "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid.." According to sources on the city council. The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen cents. so she'd eliminated the cents from every check. or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered. our source replied "Well. Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked." . "Don't change the subject. but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. and encourage them to move to Generic. "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do." said Little Johnny. "You mean H I S T O R Y!" The burglar shouted back. and it has only one line. "Next. Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled checks and registers. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked. we plan to find a lot of average people. sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah." The theatre erupts. and the priest asked.. trying to correct her method. and with great passion delivers the line.Birkenstock-wearing weenies.
.Once upon a time. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about. 10. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. about six at the time. 6. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. don't greet them at the door. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. my father. 5. always take your time. When your human calls you to come back in. 8.' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. After everyone was finished eating. sent my same twin brother to the counter to inquire. 2. hide from them. DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else. . my brother was sent to the counter to get more honey-mustard sauce for the chicken strips. one of the funniest happened when we were supposed to be grown-up. After a brief and sometimes stormy marriage. but had the courage to ask. when my family was eating at a KFC.) 3. When out for a walk. run to their bed. She is a beautiful blond who refers to her father as "My daddy the colonel". The place roared." announced a teen. When your humans come home. "How much are toothpicks?". took care of the transaction. and make them think something terrible has happened to you. this will drive them nuts!) "Mom. Hide from your humans. "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom." Of all of the nutty things my crazy country cousins and I did as children. jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. most visible spot to go 'poo. a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Learn it perfectly. "That I should take measures. and my brother. some jerk pulled in front of them. As soon as you get back inside. After your humans give you a bath. Draw attention to the human. tail between your legs. chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Suddenly. she left him for a richer man. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 7. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Make your own rules. alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. My oldest cousin got married right out of college. 4. One day. stare blankly back at the humans. 9. loudly. to a home comming queen.. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside. being one who can really make a point and not too happy about the cost of the fast food meal. fall asleep. "I'm trying to blow the horn." MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS 1. put your ears back. Then. Make your humans be patient. Instead. Act like a convicted criminal. And that's what I did! I took measures and went with the biggest.. He was informed that it would be 45 cents for another little container. "What are you doing?!" The blonde calmly replied. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Dad gave him the money when he came back to the table for it. When you go outside to go 'pee. When out for a walk always pick the busiest. The brunette feared for her life. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).. I'm pregnant. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. When the humans come home. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
the condum inflated to giagantic proportions and just as she turned the corner it exploded with a loud "BANG". when she started having some problems figuring the answers in her head.his boss.. my dad was with me once when I was a teenager and I had to have an operation. She reached down and picked up the T. not knowing what had happened. After he gets this he won't know a thing.. "I used to have one. They invited everyone to the wedding." Pop explained. waving and smilimg like a float queen. when everyone was leaving and his Ex was pulling out in the BMW. he assured her that it was just a backfire. looking ravishing. the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while putting blocks of wood under each corner. She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick. "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that. Son: Why? Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest. He remained amazingly calm through it all. Doc. but not being the violent type." "Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?" The farmer said." The Remote (True Story) Several years ago when my little sister was still in high school. we discussed this in the forum) A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman. The city boy just had to ask. but suggested that she have her boyfriend check the exaust pipe when she got home. Pop was watching every move the doctor made. Later. (She is a true blonde and I still tease her about it to this day." he says. his chance came when mutual friend of both families got married. She ran the car up on the sidewalk and jumped out. "This is an anaesthetic. At one point he asked. it took him a while to figure out how to avenge his loss. "you really know how to handle a dick!" "I should. remote and started pushing the numbers. While everyone was in the church basement at the reception." "Save your time. After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place. After the reception we found out why. "He don't know nothing now. "Wow. She attended. Son: Why? Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your account. At this point I couldn't hold the laughter any longer and she knew I had seen. She was sitting on the couch doing her math homework.V. "Thanks. The whole day she showed off her engagment ring. including my cousins ex-wife." she replies. driving her boyfriend's new BMW. he slipped out to the parking lot and firmly placed a condum over the exaust pipe of the BMW. As the . She had been working on it for a while. I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. (Yes Alex Bern. We spent the rest of the evening laughing and speculating on the scene of him finding the remains on the exaust pipe. After helping the lost driver. Son: I'm not working now. After several seconds she realized what she was doing and laid the remote down hoping no one had seen her." A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for directions.) Father: Why don't you get yourself a job? Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. "What's that?" The doctor explained." said the farmer. My cousin rushed over to calm her down. Finally. "What are you doing?" "Well. bragged about where they planned to go on the honeymoon and generally rubbed it in my cousin's face. My cousin is not a very good loser.and you would never have to work again. According to my mom.
Timberline is someplace you have actually been. a life that's death defying. A boys string. Then late one night. Nearly crushed by a shoe. who hunts them late at night." south is "mountains to the right.. In Colorado there is an additional season. during the day in flight. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. Colorado Springs means right-wing nuts.000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car. many times. You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman. Tex. People from other states breathe 5 times more often than you. Then the bats radar. Buck. You carry your $3. his last breath to give. You have stood on solid ground & looked down on an airplane in flight. Always hiding and dodging. or Dakota that wears a bandanna. across the open meadow flying.car heads down the road. he knows about every trick." East and west are where all those damn liberals keep moving in from. You are 62 years old and take up snowboarding." "THE JUNE BUG" Tiny little June bug. Your real Y2K fear was running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix. Having a Senator named 'Nighthorse' doesn't seem strange. where in circles he would fly around. You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts. not his feet!" Bachelors should be heavily taxed. You actually know who Alferd Packer was. Trying to escape the birds. He's not in any hurry. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue. of a very hungry toad.. Your bridal registry is at REI. He's lasted half the summer. From Colorado. You get depressed after one day of cloudy weather. You own a big dog named Aspen. Nearly missing a cars windshield. You see someone riding a Harley in a snowstorm. & you look closer to see if it's someone you know. Sun block SPF 90 is not unreasonable. As a fast learner. The mule keeps scraping his ears. a sweatshirt. April showers bring May blizzards. as he crosses a road. Cheyenne. Then the long sticky tongue. Knowing that Texas and California are downstream gives you a certain feeling of satisfaction when you flush."Road Construction. You think that formal wear is ironed denim.. . You have a $1500 stereo in a $300 pickup truck. he was searching for his food. "Dumb city slicker. & hiking boots. as he sat on the ground. just so his life to live. Constantly on the move.. A full moon has never kept you awake. North means "mountains to the left. and is now very quick. You have a MBA business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail. Boulder means left-wing nuts. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista. the farmer turned to his son.
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. Chateau Traileur Parc 11." So here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine: 12. professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol. but the animals must be female.) In Bahrain. R. Nasti Spumante The quickest dental appointment I've ever had was when I sat in the dentist's chair. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts. there is a market for cheap wine. a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals. Big Red Gulp 9. in the $6-8 range. NASCARbernet 6. White Trashfindel 10. Peanut Noir 4. to produce the spirits at an affordable price.. Chateau des Moines 3. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto. said Kathy Micken.and was feeling very happy. BENTONVILLE.I. This also applies to undertakers. Calif. She said: "The right name is important. Over to it he flew. the last sound he heard was zzzap. the sex organs of the deceased must be covered . Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2.Walmart's own brand of wine. ARK (AP) . (Like THAT makes sense. opened my mouth and had him exclaim: "WOW! you sure do have a lot of teeth!" You better believe I grabbed my things and was out the door. men are legally allowed to have sex with animals. Grape Expectations 8. World Championship Riesling 1. Who wants a dentist who's major patients were in the 'Dirty South' and a "lot of teeth" is more than four? He just wouldn't know what to do!!! I WISH I WAS A PIG ANYTIME Subject: Sexual Anecdotes In Lebanon. in a careless mood. He came to a house. a strange light he decided to tap. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays" 7. (Do they look different reversed?) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -. Chef Boyardeaux 5. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
with a brick or piece of Wood at all times. (Makes one shudder at the thought. a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband. that hurts??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.. The husband's lover.. Can anyone think of a faster way to impotency?) Santa Cruz. but may only do so with her bare hands. ( I'd rather "go blind!") There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins. (Ouuch! A brick. and the first time this happens. may be killed in any manner desired. (I wonder how their job-ads read: WANTED: VIRGIN DEFLOWERER WITH 5 YEARS EXPERIENCE. Colombia." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) . it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises. her mother must be in the room to witness the act.on the other hand. Those without any experience need not apply) In Hong Kong. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland. England . Bolivia. Reason: under Guam law. it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.but only in tropical fish stores. a woman may only have sex with her husband. (But of course!) In Cali.
.. is masculine-"le crayon" > >One puzzled student asked. "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not >know. Damn those LUCKY GUAMESE PIGS. (I know some people like that too) After reading all these.... (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig . >unlike their English counterparts.. (They can taste with anything they wish am still not changing my mind on the pig thing) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure..? -. all I can say is. So for fun she split . (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.. A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French.... quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet.. can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. .) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. is feminine-"la maison" >"Pencil" in French.which govt.) Starfish don't have brains.A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. and the word was not in her French dictionary.. are grammatically designated as >masculine or feminine. (In my next life I want to be a pig) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.. >"House" in French..... (I know some people like that.. paid for this research?? But still doesn't beat a pigs life. For example. (Still not over that pig thing) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight. (From drinking little bottles of.. nouns.
"just use diplomacy. did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the director. In order to do anything with them. Off they went . "You forgot the bloody rose!" The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer. The audience is screaming with laughter. but half the time they ARE >the problem. >3. but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. > >The women's group. you could have gotten a better model. They are supposed to help you solve problems. and >4. and it has only one line. the actor walks onto the stage. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. by gender. > > >The women won. because: > >1." The theatre erupts. As soon as you make a commitment to one." "What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor. The director says. "Watch me. he's practicing his line over and over again. > >The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine >gender ('la computer"). and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. the sweet aroma of my mistress. "Ah. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible >later review. >2." said the steward-in-charge. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is >incomprehensible to everyone else." said his tutor. The curtain goes up. >3. as that was something he'd never needed while teaching. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. All day long before the play. I'll show you. the sweet aroma of my mistress. the time comes. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. Finally. sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah. > >Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. >2.'" The actor is thrilled. and >4. There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.>the class into two groups appropriately enough. "What happened. and with great passion delivers the line. you have to turn them on. "This is the most important part. you realize that if you had waited a >little longer. and asked them >to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. "It's very simple. concluded that computers should be masculine >('le computer") because: > >1. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered. As soon as you commit to one. however. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. you find yourself spending half >your paycheck on accessories for it.
on his own now. though. Then it was already 1P. replied. awakened the kids. Have a pleasant day.. in his infinite wisdom. You got pregnant last night Don't you just love it? I do.. why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her. sir?" "Tea. opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee..M. though his daily chores weren't finished. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said. Without batting an eyelid he asked. he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed. "Tell me. sir?" The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door. The next day. vacuum. "What is her name?" "O'Brien" replies the son. drove them to school. do the laundry.. and put them to bed. dust. check this out.way home. After supper he cleaned the kitchen. When the tutor steward flung open one door. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework. bathed the kids." said his tutor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the. G. "Lord. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. the man awoke as a woman! He arose. cooked breakfast for his mate. in his infinite wisdom. "My son. Moisha. The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. "She's . is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. let us trade back. I want her to know what I go through. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad. and he hurried to make the beds. God. he was exhausted and. You'll just have to wait nine months.M. and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit.. oh please. came home and picked up the dry cleaning. At 9 P. "Wow. " Three Weddings A Jewish father. set out their school clothes. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. ran the dishwasher. "Tea or coffee. "Tea or coffee. was beset by his eldest son Yitzak.. he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. God bless. folded laundry. sure enough. so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. granted the man's wish. fed them breakfast. he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. packed their lunches. I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. rattling compartment doors. then drove home to put away the groceries. Please.down the train corridor. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord. Amen. paid the bills and balanced the check book. went grocery shopping. "Father." The Lord. "And for your brother?" Hullo people. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. "She had no clothes on! But hey. I don't know what I was thinking. I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. The next morning. did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly." the man replied.
and grandpa Morris gets out." .. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening. Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises." replies Moisha. "Father! I am to wed in the spring!" "Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands? "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah... what is her first name.. "She's Greek Orthodox. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?" "Ah. the woman leaned forward and whispered." "Oy!" says the father." says Chutzpah........ "But are you happy?" "I'm happy. my youngest.. "I didn't know they had to be baptized. After the examination.. PLEASE!" Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims... the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health." says Chutzpah.." says Moisha... As I sprinkled the last pup's head." After examining the elderly lady. "Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "After I have sex with my wife the first time." says the son. Dejected. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box. I turned on the water faucet." "Oy.. And then. I too will be married soon!" Again." intones Moisha.. "Lost I wasn't. truest." "This is very interesting. Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. wet my fingers.." says the son. "Father.. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time... "Well..no. I do. I am usually hot and sweaty... An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma... then you. "Let me do some research and get back to you. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. so that the policeman couldn't hear..." A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. after I have sex with my wife the second time. then. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact...." says Moisha.. said grandma. Morris whispered..Catholic.." "Ok. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.. LOST IN THE PARK: A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house. the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. he asks. to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ..." implores the father? "Kazalopodopolous. "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley.. let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl.I was just too tired to walk home. too. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons. father.. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December.. I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. from Los Angeles?" "No. "Ok. "What is her name. "Please God. father" says Chutzpah.. and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. "Oh Morris".. After the fourth puppy. my blessings to you both.. most beautiful Son?" "Whoopi... have my blessing.. I am usually cold and chilly.as long as you're happy. "Hmmm." replied the doctor." said the man. "But are you happy?" "I'm happy. Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. frown and say. "That's not it" and put it down again. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged." "I have made good judgments in the past." Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. I asked. I have made good judgments in the future." "We have a firm commitment to NATO." There was pregnant pause. we are a part of NATO." "For NASA. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and. The soldier picked it up. until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. "Well. teachers are the only profession that teach our children. We have a firm commitment to Europe. and that one word is 'to be prepared'. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. what does it mean?". smiled and said. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. space is still a high priority." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. just to be playful. "Have a nice day". we run the risk of failure. She hesitated and then replied." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." "The future will be better tomorrow. This went on for some time. One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. BUSHISMS ""The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. I unlocked her system and simply said. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently. We are a part of Europe." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "It's two words. "That's it." "If we don't succeed." ." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.Most popular joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly." "Quite frankly. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." "Public speaking is very easy." The company my brother worked for had a phone system that re-routed after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number." The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialled the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.) nani alisema Uhuru ni omozexual ? ..watu wanapayukapayuka ...ooohh oohh ohh ... mara kwa mara mimi ninasema gatika maredio, gatika magazeti.... Uhuru sio omosexual.... Uhuru ni heretozexual ... yugo na mama na pia ingine ya kando..... ...zamani nilisema .. mtu akipata shimo... apande miti hugo ndani ... na amwage maji..... .. lakini sigu hizi za ugonjwa wa Ugimwi inabidi watu waache kupanda miti ovyo ovyo Na kwa moyo huo huo mimi nimewacha kushikashika wakina mama. (clear throat)... sasa mimi nimekuwa .. MONOSEXUAL ...mimi najifanya mwenyewe... nikitumia sabuni ya "Omo with power foam Plus" ....... na hiyo ni ...? Crowd : MAENDELEO !!! ...tingisa nione .... RAPID RESPONSE Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce sprayers. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, “What was that? I said "My pager, I am 911." He looked at me, shocked " Boy, you guys are fast!" Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...." An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. "Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb." "Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin." "With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
"Park Bench" A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together." "How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!" "Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?" A very posh lady was walking around an art gallery when she stopped by one particular exhibit. "I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art?" she asked very pompously. "No, ma'am," replied the assistant, "it's what we call a mirror." HOW TO TELL AFRICANS FROM AFRICANS It comes, as something of a surprise to many Africans to discover that all Africans look the same to non-Africans... How do you tell a Nigerian from a Kenyan? And I am not talking about passports or clothing. The easiest way, of course, is the name, for example Ogunkoye", "Ekwekwe" or "Babangida" can only be a Nigerian, a "Njoroge", "Otieno" or "Kilonzo" must be from Kenya. Where else would you bump into a name like "Promise", "Immaculate" or "Patience" other than in Zimbabwe? And where do the Dunns come from? ----- they are surely from Liberia or Sierra Leone. Surely everybody knows that the loud, boisterous and cocky ones are the West Africans; the brooding and sly ones are the North and South Africans; the East Africans always say yes even when they disagree vehemently. No wonder there have been very few coups in this region. They have no guts to go against the establishment. They are also the UN's first choice for PeaceKeeping duties world-wide. Forget about the Egyptians and Sudanese who change their continents based on which side of the bread is buttered. When convenient, and the Petro-Dollar is flowing, they masquarade as Arabs. When the World Bank is dishing out aid to the third-world, they shuffle themselves, cup-in-hand, jostling for the paltry aid given to poor African countries. If you want to be more specific, the Cameronians will borrow money to buy Champagne. They
can even sell a hole in their pockets to ape the bourgeois. The Ghanaians think they invented politics. No Ghanaian worth his salt will conclude a conversation without mentioning the famous Kwame Nkurumah or quoting a phrase from one of his speeches. Even when ! bargaining at the Bazaar, a 'Kwame' phrase has a magical effect. The problem is they think that this effect is worldwide!!! A dukawalla in Bombay was forgiven for thinking "Kwame" was a unit of currency in Africa! The Congolese think they have the best music and the best dancers. They have this heavenly feeling that they were brought into this world to Sing and Dance... and please, for your own safety, don't you dare challenge that! A Congolese can be spotted from afar by the gait of his walk.... and it also depends on the mood of the walker: A "Ndo! mbolo" walk is a sign of happiness (..also means 'I've just had it'); a "Baba Gaston" walk is a sign of old age. The Nigerians have a THING about clothes and jewellery. They are the Indians of Africa; you'll always find a Nigerian in any part of the world... there is one c! ontending for Mayorship somewhere in remote Russia of all the places. There is a Nigerian Police inspector in the Falklands .... and there is a Nigerian Cashier at the First National Bank of Woolongong.... (somewhere in Australia) I wonder how long he'll be there before he decides to become fluidy with the cash. They are like cockroaches and will be found in the most unusual places.The Ethiopians think they have the most beautiful women on God's earth.(think about it, have your ever seen an ugly Ethiopian Lady?...no, not the post-menopause geriatric one, we are talking about the under 45 or so..hmm.) We won't talk about the Somalis for the time being as they are suffering from a severe identity crisis. How else do you explain a Somali holding a Kenyan Passport saying he was born and raised in "Pand-Pieri" (somewhere in Kisumu) while the same! gentleman cannot utter the basic general greeting? Moroccans think they're French and so do the Burkinabes. Algerians hate the French. Sierra Leonians smile profusely. Liberians can't get over America... they copy everything including Rambo... no wonder they have Rambo-style rumbles in the jungle. Call it an influence from Hollywood? All East and South African countries have more or less the same boring national anthems, but the South Africans sing it the best. Which other national anthem can make your feet loose control and do a jig on their own? The South Africans have thick and springy hair; the Zambians and Kenyans have prominent foreheads. The Nigerians have thick luscious lips and their females possess some of the widest posteriors. The West Africans have short memories and never learn from their mis! takes; how many times are they caught all over the world on drug-related cases yet they continue the trade. How many times are they going to send those silly chain letters asking for bank accounts and pretending they are sons of Chief so and so? The concept of order and discipline must have been invented in East Africa; the words don't exist in West Africa, especially in Nigeria....does anyone know how many coups that country has endured? When a cabinet minister is caught in a corruption scandal, he commits suicide in Southern
the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. In Kenya. then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. " explained the young man. is the cat there?" "Yes. he decided to drive a few miles away..Africa. As he was nearing home. "I'd like to get married. Lawrence Vaincourt He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast. In athletics. the divisions are easy: from 800m to the marathon the East Africans hold sway." "All right. but the darn cat would always beat him home. The next day. sir. the man calls home to his wife: "Jen. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated. " said the young man. South Africans can only sing. telling stories of the past Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done. But when it comes to football (soccer). please. . And he sat around the Legion." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15. In his exploits with his buddies. At last. past the bridge. Hours later. there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away. the cat was walking up the driveway. in West Africa he's promoted after the next coup d'etat. then left. what is your age?" "I'm 22. As we was driving back into his driveway. I'm lost and I need directions!" "Your honor. the North and West Africans dominate the lesser-skilled East and South African. AUTHOR: REAL AFRICANS.!! A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park." "15? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!" "I see. they were heroes. he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. he is stripped of his Cabinet post for a short while till the dust settles and then re-instated to a higher Cabinet post which amalgamates his earlier Cabinet post. In essence. the West Africans are only good at the sprints." the wife answers. turn right. sir. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?" JUST A COMMON SOLDIER (A Soldier Died Today) by A. every one.. he still controls his earlier Ministerial post by ! proxy.
his kin and Country and would fight until the end? . All his Legion buddies listened. That the old Bills of our Country went to battle. Papers tell their whole life stories. Who won for us the freedom that our Country now enjoys. And the world won't note his passing. Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand? Or would you prefer a soldier. their bodies lie in state. For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life. but we know It was not the politicians. Held a job and raised a family. for they knew whereof he spoke. Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land A guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man? Or the ordinary fellow who. who has sworn to defend His home. for a soldier died today. quietly going his own way. While the ordinary soldier. Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life? A politician's stipend and the style in which he lives Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he gives. He will not be mourned by many. But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung. Is paid off with a medal and perhaps. While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great. his tales became a joke. It's so easy to forget them for it was so long ago. just his children and his wife. Should you find yourself in danger. with your enemies at hand. in times of war and strife. who offered up his all. with their compromise and ploys. to his neighbors. And the world's a little poorer. But we'll hear his tales no longer for old Bill has passed away. from the time that they were young. though a soldier died today.And tho' sometimes. When politicians leave this earth. a pension small.
talked my Uncle into letting me ride the thoroughbred in the steeple chase. for a soldier died today. If we cannot do him honor while he's here to hear the praise. But his presence should remind us we may need his like again. When my three crazy country and I each reached the age of 8. then we find the soldier's part Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start. my Uncle would start teaching us how to really ride the horses he trained. I had been given the care and feeding duties of a beautiful little dapple grey Arab mare. I was in heaven. she and I loved each other. The girl. who was a teenager at the time. We practiced every day at least once and riding her became as natural as walking to me.He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin. she would run to me when I came to saddle her and I would always have an apple or carrot for her. So I got my Uncle to let me ride her thoroughbred. After watching me ride for a . My older two cousins had been riding for a couple of years when my youngest cousin and I finally got to. since no one was exercising him. who was a sad as I was about the whole thing. came out every day and rode my mare. He had seen me ride the mare and thought she would be gentle enough for his daughter to handle and his daughter was set on riding in this steeple chase. My Uncle tried to talk him out of it but to no avail. About a month before the event a man who boarded several horses with my Uncle asked him if his daughter could ride my mare in the steeple chase. Then at least let's give him homage at the ending of his days. I groomed her every day and she pranced and acted like she knew how wonderful she looked. so we were more than ready. he had purchased a thoroughbred for her and she had trouble handling it. I still fed and groomed her. Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say. but could do nothing about it. I was heart broken. It was decided that I could ride her in an annual steeple chase held in Louisville in the spring. but this girl got to ride her. My oldest cousin. Our Country is in mourning. For when countries are in conflict. Once we got good enough he would let us exercise them and if we did well he let us sometimes ride in steeple chases and shows.
not to pass me. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. I had mixed emotions crossing the finish just a head in front of my beloved mare. stand up.P. but I finally got him under control enough to make the jumps. he coughed and hiccoughed. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target. Mead is a honey beer. with the shutter on backwards. and because their calendar was lunar based. when customers got unruly. dough-faced. In 10 minutes. thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough. a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. stand up. When arming their air planes on the ground." One demure little woman stood up.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year." The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle. and no one knows why.000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. but he had expended so much energy at the start that my little mare was gaining on us. "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife. We were ahead coming to the finish. after falling into a slough. The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. The race started badly. pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. somewhat amazed. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. the ." Many years ago in England. "I didn't know her personally. So in old England. it got "the whole 9 yards. G." Nobody stood up. he just wanted to run like thoroughbreds do.50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet." In English pubs. before being loaded into the fuselage. they used the whistle to get some service. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk." replied the little old woman." It takes 3. the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man." A duck's quack doesn't echo. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked.couple of days he entered me in the same event as the girl riding my mare.W. I had trouble holding my horse. She just wanted to be with me. ale is ordered by pints and quarts.000 years ago that for a month after the wedding. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's. As she came to us she slowed and just ran beside us. "Wet your . this period was called the "honeymonth" or what we know today as the "honeymoon. On average. When they needed a refill.
you are entitled to receive $. The air plane Buddy Holly died in was called "American Pie.) The only nation whose name begins with an "A". making the bed firmer to sleep on. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards. and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason." Camel's milk does not curdle." which means. New Hampshire town hall. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight." uses every letter in the alphabet. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. that's where the phrase. When possums are playing 'possum'." is the phrase inspired by this practice. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat.10 from the town. "the king is dead". The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. sleep tight" came from. but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. meaning "containing arsenic. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. while dogs only have about ten. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. as does arsenious. "good night. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. they are not . (developed by Western Union to test Telex/twx communications) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan All porcupines float in water.whistle. In Shakespeare's time. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life. The longest word in the English language.000 times." The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."playing. its plural. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed . The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses. If you toss a penny 10. Pigs love the stuff. so it ends up on the bottom. except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. it will not be heads 5. but more like 4. and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. The heads picture weighs more.000 times. Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain." They actually pass out from sheer terror.950. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal.
A group of larks is called an exaltation." A group of frogs is called an army. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated.with only the left hand. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink. A group of officers is called a mess. actually) to keep from freezing. His first name was Willy. Ruth. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. A group of whales is called a pod. The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos. on the never-aired pilot show. too.] Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter. In England. Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of rhinos is called a crash. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once. Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. Every time you lick a stamp. you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep. [It floats in gasoline. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of owls is called a parliament. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. and it has floated ever since. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what . the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
When it got extremely cold outside. relax and correct itself. the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. the person died in battle.111 = 12. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" . (ed. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation. Thus the saying. The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows.hence the expression "to get fired. called a brass monkey. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.111 x 111." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. if the horse has all four legs on the ground. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.111." 111.345.987. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air. A polar bear's skin is black.. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. silver. and purple. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. but actually clear. the rider died a politician. orange. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. note: if the rider's head is up the horse's ass.678. if the horse has one front leg in the air. they would crack and break off.111.is occurring. Its fur is not white. the person died of natural causes." There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down ..654.) No word in the English language rhymes with month.
on average. Our eyes are always the same size from birth.and "bump. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room. China has more English speakers than the United States. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. Boston. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Right handed people live. Montpelier. A snail can sleep for 3 years. was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million people. it will eventually turn white. . If the population of China walked past you in single file. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds." Marilyn Monroe had six toes. No word in the English language rhymes with month. David Prowse. two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. Vermont is the only U. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. nine years longer than left handed people do. state capital without aMcDonald's.S. and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. He spoke all of Vader's lines. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. dogs only have about ten. American Airlines saved $40. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. but our nose and ears never stop growing. She would stand seven feet.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan. Queen Elizabeth II. On average. you're consuming . Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. Babies are born without knee caps. Cat's urine glows under a black light. alcohol. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.The cruise liner. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". It is not as chemically addictive as is nicotine. yes) It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. and about a gallon to clean the pot. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. (oh. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. people fear spiders more than they do death. (although not individually!!) Every time you lick a stamp. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day." The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. or caffeine.
who stood a foot taller and easily outweighed my cousin by 20lbs. . before it starves to death. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. Once when the cousins were at our house he and I were playing in the yard. "I can see why you would be embarassed. causing it to spurt blood all over. but don't worry.. The female initiates sex by ripping the head off. He chased him all the way to his house and ran in after him. patted the man on the arm and said. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. He received a $26 million severance package. a typical Kentucky country boy. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. A cockroach will live nine days without its head. my cousin punched the bully right in the nose. I grabbed my brother up and ran to find mom and my cousin lit out after the bully. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. One of the rocks hit my little brother. and both small for our age.1/10 of a calorie.... Polar bears are left-handed.top blond with freckles.. The man grabbed my cousin and marched him and his son to our house. With a Little Help from Our Friends. causing his forehead to bleed profusely. while I was minding my little brother for my my mom. we tried to ignore him but he wouldn't stop and finally started throwing rocks at us.. The youngest of my three crazy country cousins and I were only a month apart in age. Just as the bully's father stepped into the room to see what was going on..saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He was a cotton. when the neighborhood bully happened by with a couple of his friends. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months. The bully decided to stop and make fun of my cousin's country accent. When my mom came to the door the red faced man shouted "Look what your kid did to my son!" My unflappable mom looked back and forth between my tiny cousin and the bully. we won't tell anyone. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Butterflies taste with their feet. Starfish haven't got brains.. Pick the dummy.".
. an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain...Police in Oakland. Kansas Kwik Shop.. and a pair of salad tongs..... A man in Taormina... A man walked in to a Topeka... Apparently. Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!. And What Was Plan B?. the take was too small. California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons. officers discovered that the man was standing beside them. shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... In Ohio. The Getaway. And for the Main Course. which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. Have I Got a Deal for You!.... After firing ten tear gas canisters.. . so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself (to get more money) for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. 2 cigarette lighters... and asked for all the money in the cash drawer..
.More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10. Trips to the moon also available. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. amid the splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts.." he said. Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.. the would-be space travellers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.... Too Well-Educated. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets.. "There are too many business grads out there.." the man shouted. "That's not what I said!" Ouch. In Modesto. That Smarts!.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a .. "Give me all your money or I'll shoot.."He was seen hopping and jumping around.... then this may not have happened. Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to holdup a Bank of America branch without awe upon. a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three People...." Did I Say That?!. A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words. According to the Italian police.. In Medford. "with an explosion taking place inside his pants. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars. Oregon.. "If I had chosen another field.000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars." said police spokesman Mike Carey.. CA..
" One summer when I was still in college. now" she said "we'll go see your baby. in the oil fields out in the boonies. I was sore and drowsy and resisted." said Morris the miser. "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. Late in the day a young nurses aid came in to get me up.." "I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean. but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "They run from $2. "Get me out of here.00 to $2. Our friend was puzzled." She looked shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering. Are We Not Communicating?. On the flight there I started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness." my friend replied. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket. before these people give me a baby to take home." When my boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it. As he walked along. "For $2. "Come on. she said " There now let's don't get upset. A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset.. was throwing them back into the water. but unfortunately. picking something up and throwing it out into the water. He approached the man and said." he instructed. "No. As our friend approached even closer. As he grew nearer. however I got so much worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital. he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and. he began to see another man in the distance. friend. There are simply too many. Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. you idiot!" the man shouted. he noticed that the local native kept leaning down." he said.. one at a time." "I understand. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.." the salesperson replied. Later. and decided I had to have an emergency appendectomy. he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. "This is her husband!" THE HEARING AID Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing. I'll call a nurse to talk to you.gun. where they admitted me. I was wondering what you were doing. they'll talk louder. "How does it work?" . If I don't throw them back into the sea. well she did.000. They were short of beds and that was the only room they had. You see it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have washed up onto shore. "But when people see it on you.." "MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not even married. they'll die up here from lack of oxygen. . My boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery. in a 4 bed ward. laughing was tough on my stitches.. my boss arrived. I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer." Shortly a very kind nurse came in and started asking me questions that made me realize that she thought I was an unmarried mother. "Well how are you feeling?" she asked "Crazy as hell" I said. asked Morris.00 model. Just when I thought I was going to completely loose it. "That depends.. Good evening. They were shooting in a job in Oklahoma that summer.00 it doesn't work." "Let's see the $2. I don't have a baby.
Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. P: Something loose in cockpit." Then he asked. or fool around with sexy women?" "No. P: Dead bugs on windshield. do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Test flight OK. "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked. "I've never done either. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.And don't you realize that this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the coast." I replied." I recently picked a new primary care physician. S: That's what they're there for! . By the way. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: Something tightened in cockpit. except autoland very rough." He look at me and said." I said. P = the problem the pilots entered in the log. "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said. Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?" The local native smiled. and as he threw it back into the sea. S: DME volume set to more believable level. "I've never done any of those things. drive fast cars. S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics." I said. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. like playing golf?" he asked. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests. "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??" Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor."Made a difference to that one. A little concerned about that comment. He said. I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun. I couldn't resist asking him. S: Evidence removed. "Do you gamble. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. bent down and picked up yet another starfish. he replied. "No. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. "No I don't. "Well.
I'm pretty much on the road all week. "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled. I'm attentive to the wife. Finally a local police cars arrives. Cars back up for miles.P: IFF inoperative. "Got stuck. S: Cat installed. Everyone took seconds or thirds. P: Mouse in cockpit. "Naw. so she wanted to cook something special. she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. Proudly she stood to bring . She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. P: Suspected crack in windscreen." A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. S: Suspect you're right. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up." said his attorney." "One Sunday morning. The truck driver looks at the cop and with a straight face says. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. I was delivering the bridge and ran out of gas. and be serious. Well." "Well. "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away." he continued. Salmon mousse. "So naturally when I am home. so she smoothed it over and served it anyway. Before he realizes it he is upon the bridge and becomes firmly stuck under it." the man testified. huh" he says to the truck driver. the mousse was a hit. The cop gets out and with hands on hips surveys the situation. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that warns of a low bridge ahead. 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'" SALMON MOUSSE A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that night. P: Radar hums. fly right. "Please describe. Just before her guests arrived.
The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. 1903 . 1701 .Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time. challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3." 1860 . 1957 . Dead.At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner.Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey." A History of Thanksgiving 1492 . Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings. Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty..America is on a terrorist alert. No change is noticed. New York. giving thanks for their safe arrival. during a patriotic speech he defends this . Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize. many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning.When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving.To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever. the phone rang. There. 1929 Following the Great Stock Market Crash. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress. who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had. silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. 1671 .. lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests.At a historic Thanksgiving dinner. thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives..At an international Thanksgiving dinner. the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts. and nobody brings pumpkin pie.Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn. 1776 Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner. and Pennsylvania. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. Then." Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur. George W. 1991 .the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window. leading to the Revolutionary War. unless you count the native peoples already living there. signs this law into Congress. It was her next door neighbor who said.So I just put her on your lawn. placing it in October. a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days.First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner." Due to an unfortunate oversight. still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War. King George of England. 1969 The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner. "I'm sorry about your cat. The housewife. so they can say it was their idea first. and the treaty is signed without them. Unfortunately. 1620 ." President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River. 2002 .S.Christopher Columbus discovers America. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861. next to the house. sparking the Civil War. 1928 . the Indians are left off of the invite list. and the U. Columbus doesn't. lay her cat. 1812 . 1997 . government declares a national fowl emergency.
He was almost regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when he visited with his wares. I'd probably just use these.." he replied wearily. such as a thimble or pot holder. . Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room. "Who's there?" "Parcel post. An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. Alarmed. She was a very gentle and proper lady. still not convinced. He was almost regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when he visited with his wares. "What happened. Lo and behold she did feel happier. she was worried and depressed. The deliveryman held it up. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left. One of his products was an elixir for general health and nervous conditions. such as a thimble or pot holder. who grinned and said "Now let's just keep this between you and me honey. Lo and behold she did feel happier. So much so that my Mom read the fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was 40% achohol. who grinned and said "Now let's just keep this between you and me honey. as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it..". Mother?" the daughter asked. Alarmed. "I thought he was dead!" There was an unexpected knock on my door." "Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. to my knowledge. She received the money promptly. during WW-2.. she seemed upset. With two of her sons in the service. so she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as directed. never drank liquor in her life.decision claiming "the evil doers are just looking for any opportunity to show up at your dinner table.". to my knowledge. she told my grampa. during WW-2.. "Thanks.. I'm enjoying your mother's happy times." she answered. at least on purpose. Mom. at least on purpose.. along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read. I have a package that needs a signature. a pillar of her church and the community. a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. With two of her sons in the service. she told my grampa.. "if I wanted to break into your house. She was a very gentle and proper lady. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left. keep up the good work!" My Grandmother. a pillar of her church and the community." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door. "Could I see some ID?" I said. she was worried and depressed. so she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as directed." This Thanksgiving take a real good look at your relatives. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No. One of his products was an elixir for general health and nervous conditions. ma'am. "Lady. So much so that my Mom read the fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was 40% achohol. out in the country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked.and report any suspicious behavior to the CIA. I'm enjoying your mother's happy times. By the end of the week. In those days door to door salesmen were welcomed. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night. FBI or your local police.who cares if it's grandma.50... he owed her $1. My Grandmother. In those days door to door salesmen were welcomed.it's your duty as an American. never drank liquor in her life. out in the country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it..
"Who's packing your parachute? "Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. Be good as always & more important. we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant. You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. To all of my friends. please. "I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat. We may fail to say hello. but still want to keep in touch. how are you?' or anything because. Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us. holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know. are still important. or thank you. One day. a man at another table came up and said. The man pumped his hand and said. a bib in the back. this year." Plumb thought of the man hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship. "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him. be kind! Once again. Plumb says. his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile.A forwarded joke. As you go through this week. we miss what is really important. carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute. and his spiritual parachute. his emotional parachute. Now. or just do something nice for no reason. let me take this opportunity to thank you for having 'Packed My Chute' each and every day of our acquaintance. are still loved and are still cared for. If your chute hadn't worked. congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them. Plumb asks his audience. guess what you do? You forward jokes. his mental parachute. You were shot down!" "How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb." the man replied. recognize people who pack your parachute. Plumb also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory-he needed his physical parachute. I wouldn't be here today. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands.. He called on all these supports before reaching safety." Plumb couldn't sleep that night. and bell-bottom trousers. this month. "It sure did. thanks. give a compliment. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning. After 75 combat missions. To let you know that you are still remembered. I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute!!! And I hope you will send it on To those who have helped pack yours! Sometimes. "I packed your parachute. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience. thinking about that man.. Maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy. you see. I am glad you packed my chute! . guess what you get.
" The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Then she heard the milk man coming up the kitchen steps. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok. No one raised a hand." Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up." replied Tommy.A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. After talking for a few . "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer." "No. biting his nails and moaning in fear. The fence was at the end of the base runway. you'd be five years older!" It was a hot day one August when my mom's cousin had a problem with the electrical system. mind your own business. The new guy was a wreck. "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck. "but I asked Mrs. So she just stepped into the kitchen closet to await his exit. what do you do for a living?" "Me?" said the first. When I got to the scene. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it. thank God. hands shaking. then showed her mother how she looked in it.. what's the matter?" said the first guy. She knew she did not have time to run back through the kitchen before he would open the door." he answered nervously. I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. When she went in to take a shower. "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age. and she gave me two more pieces without me asking. and it's not bad as the media says." "Hold on." One night at McChord Air Force Base in Washington. "Oh. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles. it worked. so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal. By the way. She had a medical appointment that day and was running late." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said. the highest crime rate in the country. "I've been in L. pal. She went home and put it on. Find a nice home. To her horror the electrician opened the closet door! At which she blurted." My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. "Hey. "Oh. the pastor said. go to work. I'll take your word for it.A all my life. "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. The bedside phone rang. no! I thought you were the milk man!" A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. "I don't get it. Stark naked she dashed into the kitchen to grab the bar of soap. pale. drugs. she realized that her only bar of soap was at the kitchen sink." One hunter groaned. Without informing her that he was contacting an electrician. On hot summer days he always placed the milk in the refrigerator for her instead of in the little box on the porch. California. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer. Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said. I found that a raccoon was the culprit. "They've got race riots. "Well. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announces loudly. enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world. her husband called to have him come check the breaker box which was in the kitchen closet. They're all safe.. He told the electrician that his wife would not be there so he would have to let himself into the house by the kitchen door. You are cleared for takeoff. Puzzled." said the first.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says. If you squeeze her right tit." his buddy replied." The boy gazed at the nurse." The lady says. thank you. I would like another scotch with two drops of water. I'm dying of curiosity. I would like a scotch with two drops of water. the man to her left says. that's amazing! What can she do?" "If you squeeze her left tit. "Sonny." An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water." Perfect Secretary -----------------------------------------------"Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman. "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener. however. "I would like to buy you a drink too." "Well. blank apart from his name and "Act II Macbeth. since it's your birthday. "Ma'am.minutes. she types 185 wpm for you. though. "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday. the lady to her right says." says the bartender." he replied." he grimaced." "l almost got hurt once." "Coming up." "Jeez. the mother held the phone aside. she takes dictation. she's a Robot." A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's effort: a sheet of paper. the latest model from Japan." As the woman finishes her drink." As he puts the drink down in front of her. "Thank you. Line 28". turned to her son and said. "they're absolutely gorgeous." "Sounds perfect." The elderly matron says." "Comin' right up. Water. "I cannot do this bloody thing. As she finishes her drink. Bartender. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The 80 year-old replies. "Your dad is asking if you've got any cute nurses." she's gorgeous. this one is on me. "Why. Bartender. ready for insertion. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing. when you're my age. is a whole other issue. and it's today." LET´S TALK ABOUT SEX You should have SEX on days that begin with T: ." The bartender says "Well. "I would like to buy you one as well. The teacher reached for his Shakespeare and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the fifth scene of the second act read. he says. who had the needle poised above his arm. you learn how to hold your liquor." "How?" "Well. "Tell him. "Yeah. Scene V.
she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her. It said that I >had a choice to make. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!" I received this from a good friend who had a choice to make. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. Money was tight and he >became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to >decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. >Daddy. but his anger flared again when he found the box >was empty. Then she heard his mother's reply. >The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for >wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Tuesday. the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next >morning and said. Today. > >Nevertheless. "Don't you know. it's not empty. "No!" she said. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. looking in her direction. I've chosen. she thought. Tomorrow. Now it's your turn to choose. Thursday. "This is for you. I blew kisses into it until it was full. too. "Oh. Daddy. At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. young lady. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any. Thaturday? Thunday? Every Thucking day! Sex is: like Nokia (connecting people) like Nike (Just do it) like Pepsi (ask for more) like Coca Cola (Enjoy) like me (too good to be true) A New Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. At the store. He spoke to her in a harsh manner.Thanksgiving." The father was embarrassed by >his earlier overreaction." The father . >when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the >package?" > >The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said.
"Only the Ten Commandments. or > >2. I took choice No. went to her father and asked to have them done for her sixteenth birthday. > >An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is >told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his >life. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed.1.. Friends are like angels who lift us to >our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." answered the lady When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs. knowing she was . I came home from work to find my wife quite upset. on the memo line I had written "Escort Service. > >And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open >the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child >who had put it there. >and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger. > >In a very real sense.." the grandmother replied. She had noticed the canceled check and. >friends and God. thinking she needed breast enhancement (to be like all her friends). The next year things were different. A couple of weeks later. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. that's easy. "The children came over in person to thank me. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. I paid $75 by check as usual.>was crushed. Pass this on to your friends. family. "This year I didn't sign the checks. > >As you can see. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?" "Oh. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. however. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl." A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. The wise father." A daughter. each of us as human beings have been given a golden >box filled withu nconditional love and kisses from our children." the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. you can: > >1. > >You now have two choices .
two bikes. Naturally. I think I might have a keeper here. with hair sticking up every where." A Parents Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. a train with a toot! We opened the boxes. I decided to go try my luck. draped with cloth. "HEY. that they used it. they used that too. my heart skipped a beat. I asked them to get on the riser. after a few drinks.beautiful just as she was. Frustrated. climbing up on a six foot tall riser. When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove. in their PJs. thanks to Grandpa. nothing ventured. laughing and thrashing around. Eighty people. I stammered where's your daughter? She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said. comforters. ."Hope your holiday parties are as much fun as ours. I said OK. After I'd been there a few hours(and several." The subject never came up again. but they thought the disastrous was shot so funny. etc. a bedding company. I shouted over the bullhorn. I went over and stuck up a conversation with her(don't remember about what. being a man.. nothing gained. I had to shout through a bull horn to get their attention. Last year one of our clients. but it had to be very interesting). for their X-mas card. Embarrassed. well. decided it would be cute if they all wore sleepwear in the shot. The account exec. and as a bonus when I. LOOK AT ME. She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. Well one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place and being the gentleman I am. since they manufacture pillows. While Dad and I faced the evening with dread: A kitchen. This had all of the trappings of disaster. When they all finally straggled into the studio. all at one time and I snapped the shutter at that exact moment. arms and legs askew. they made a mad dash." They did. "I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm not going to go into all the details of the night(mainly because I don't remember). The amazing thing was. It read. several drinks). I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side. but we could only afford to do one right now. Instructions were studied and we were inspired. She was built like a brick. We reassembled and did some straight shots. He also decided to have a cocktail party for them prior to the photo session. I thought now this is great. sent along a tag line. but before I could warn them that the benches had open spaces under the drapes. I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast. but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying.. looked in his check book and said. Like they say. asked us to shoot a picture of all of their employees. In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required. I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds. he thought the account was blown for sure. anyway she was built.. Clinging to each other and the risers. she kept staring at me and smiling. as a joke. The account exec. I don't have a daughter. Of course the whole thing collapsed and I was faced with a mass of cloth and people. looked at her. Barbie's town house to boot! And. to get the best spots. was beside himself.
Later. and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves. The coffee went cold and the night. but kept bent at our work. it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. We spoke not a word. most perfect. Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded. and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine. So if we failed. let the holiday ring.. it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear. Tomorrow we'll cheer. Christmas. Then laying the tools away in the chest. Till our eyes. but not clear. the wife's roommate commented.. only we could be blamed. our fingers all hurt." And then in a twinkling. I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required" till morning's first light. But I said to my husband just before I passed out. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss. they went bleary.Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats. And not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect." . "This will be the best Christmas. an Episcopal priest. All over the carpet they were scattered about." "Honey. concise. But 50 sheets of directions. With each part numbered and every slot named." said hubby. I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included! After the birth of their child. "you just glued my hand. I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went. without any doubt. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out. and nail to the stand. If we can't get it right. wearing his clerical collar. visited his wife in the hospital.
R10W.'" Unauthorized Activity This one is a genuine hoot. Wait till you read this guy's response.. . Inland Lakes and Streams. causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location. 20.. State of Michigan. 20.." said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma. 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day. Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994. Therefore...30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour..but read the letter before you get to the response. cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. Sec. Price. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event.. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal.THE CHRISTMAS HOBBY HORSE: A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson...30101 to 324. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division ******************* This is the actual response sent back.. R10W. annotated.. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. he wrote a check. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. 97-59-0023. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep. of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. Finally. Dear Mr. David L. T11N. "Goat. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued... Sincerely. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality. Re: DEQ File No. 2002. T11N. Montcalm County. Montcalm County Dear Mr." Little Johnny replied.. being sections 324. when it was all put together. the minister asked their son what they were having. *************************** Mr.. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. 97-59-0023.. and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Sec.
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers. Michigan. their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. the grass is green and water flows downstream.Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to. So. In conclusion. through the Freedom of Information Act. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot. then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house. nor supervise their dam project. Stephen L. this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. being sections 324. In other words.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws. While I did not pay for. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name. Pierson. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills. As to your request. they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. Then he goes back to . which the Department is required to protect. annotated. their dam persistence.30101 to 324. authorize. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods.).so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. naturally so he can park his car there. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence. watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request. I am sending this response to your dam office. their dam resourcefulness. and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine. I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Inland Lakes and Streams. we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris. the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue. I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. Sincerely.Tvedten Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. First of all. My first concern is . I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301. I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. as far as the beavers and I are concerned. In my humble opinion. Mr.but if you are going to arrest them. they being unable to read English. of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers . their dam ingenuity. I have several concerns. it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation .
" "Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day. they just eat out. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Instead of doing the usual nasty. real well. This got his wife's attention and she chimmed in. froze solid. she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion. instead of a car. "I used to fit into that dress!" My husband and I were at the movies recently. it's yours until spring! Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. I guess they don't know how to swim. so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. what are you doing. Where the police get involved. Andrea put an arm around her. Right at this moment a movie employee had arrived and spotlighted the scene with a flashlight. she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. He watches all day so nobody can escape. upset. but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. When the owner returned. "Harry. but I guess she forgot how. There is a swimming pool too. "Just loosen your belt a little. I mean. very. so he attempted to pull it up while he was standing. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. He is. One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. too. but they don't do them very well. have you lost your mind. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. however. let her go!" At this point the lady started jerking at her dress. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. well. very thoroughly. he found a car-sized Popsicle. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.the lot to get his car. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. Sometimes they sneak out. but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. One time a fellow got creative. About halfway through the movie. There stood . When he did the zipper caught on the lady's dress. "you're gaining a son. he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down. This caused her to stop when she felt the tug and she hissed "What are you doing? Let go of me!" He. when a middle aged couple sat down in front of us. seated on the other side of the couple got up to go out and when the man stood to let her pass he realized that his zipper had opened. of course. being afraid her dress would tear." He loosened his belt and apparently also undid his button. don't move!" Now the lady got a little louder "LET ME GO!" she cried. Nobody there cooks. a rather large lady. is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. brick house. They play games and do exercises there. The man was complaining about being stuffed from dinner and his wife whispered. The water. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. When he returns home. They go to a building called a wrecked center. grabbed her arm and said "Wait. "You're not losing a daughter". causing poor Harry's pelvis to jump forward in a most provocative way. but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. They used to live here in a big. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears.
I'm sorry. . If I do that. I am a hemophiliac. but I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get it under control and had to leave... . he smiled and confided. I'll have a really bad asthma attack. . . If I do that. .. I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. I'll get really low blood sugar.." she replied. Well.. officer.. I didn't know the combination. ... I found just what I was looking for. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.. but our clergyman offered to give it a try.something behind me. The man says. Because I'm drunk I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. fine. If I do that. officer. I'll bleed to death. Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown. "The numbers are written on the ceiling. Sorry. we need a urine sample. then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. I can't do that either. I still have a very "with it" attitude.. I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. one hundred and 1 years ago. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment.. "Yes. I can't do that. .. I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube... however." I said proudly to the 20.S. Good thing I had read the book. Why not? .. Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50.. "I see we have the same taste.. I can't do that." A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. I am also a diabetic. what a difference a century makes. . Sir. The year is 1902 . "I'm getting this for my grandmother. I could hear him trying to explain all the way up the aisle.. with his pelvis tight against the lady's butt.. I am an asthmatic. Okay.. . Here are the U.. The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven.. as he shuffled along behind the distraught lady. . He goes up to the guy's window and says.. his belt flopping. I can't do that either. then. officer. I understand they eventually got the whole mess straightened out..Harry. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. his fly unbuttoned. Waiting in the line to pay. To my delight. All right. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.." Subject: The year is 1902 I thought it was pretty interesting how much things change. with his poor wife in tears following along. statistics for 1902.
The population of Las Vegas." Sugar cost four cents a pound. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1.There were only 8. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Tuberculosis 3. Heart disease 5. Oklahoma.000 per year. Diarrhea 4. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. Instead. and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Nevada was 30. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. .000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. Alabama. With a mere 1. they attended medical schools. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.000 per year.4 million residents. a dentist $2.500 and $4. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. New Mexico. Mississippi. Arizona. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. a veterinarian between $1.500 per year. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. Iowa. many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard. and a mechanical engineer about $5. Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. who had 8 kids already. carbonated beverage. Marijuana. He's had two mistresses. "Sir.Crossword puzzles. regulates the stomach and the bowels. Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant. Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. It boggles the mind I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke. and consults with astrologists. Pibb. We have Pepsi. Pepper. a perfect guardian of health. According to one pharmacist. would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. Two Very Good Questions. Mr. two who were blind. He's a vegetarian. heroin. Waitresses now often respond. Dr. Diet Pepsi. canned beer.." Lately." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked. please. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. drinks an occasional beer and hasn't . we don't have Coke.. though. and your vote counts. this hasn't seemed to work. I thought I'd make life easier. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice. sleeps until noon. one mentally retarded. in fact. gives buoyancy to the mind. he issued the following memo: To all employees. If you must drink during you lunch hours. and is. used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening... and iced tea hadn't been invented. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. "Heroin clears the complexion." Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. and she had syphilis. Just think what it will be like in another 100 years. doesn't smoke. "I'm sorry. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. please drink whiskey. would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians. three who were deaf." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks.
000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. But when they saw how enormous it was. Which of these candidates would be your choice? (Decide first. he asked. no peeking.. Texas.. I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled.hot flashes. then scroll down for the answer). The family was on vacation. Eventually a compact car pulled up. Actually. Terrence Dickson of Bristol. Amateurs built the ark . A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74. They removed the cushions.and remember. you just killed Beethoven. was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.had any extramarital affairs. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. forgetfulness. joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's candidates: Kathleen Robertson of Austin. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found. Since it was in good shape.. > > > > Candidate B is Winston Churchill. and shook it hard.000. The jury agreed. and a large bag of dry dog food. After listening patiently. I found myself telling the pharmacist all about my problems. Robertson's son.returned. turned the sofa upside down. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.. was awarded $780." I thought.. many motorists slowed down for a look. irritability . and two men got out. how many people asked you to get this refilled?" It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards. Professionals built the Titanic Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Mr. > > > Candidate A is Franklin D. Pennsylvania. "This I've got to see. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. "So. they'd leave. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. > > > > Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. and soon the symptoms of menopause . Roosevelt.000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. At the drugstore. . to the tune of $500. And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you said yes.
Colin Powell rushed to Bush's defense however. While she was ordering. Kara Walton of Claymont. suggesting that this may be the first recorded episode of presidential somnambulation.500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Not surprisingly. $113. "You put it in your purse with your change." WASHINGTON. Delaware. Mr. The jury awarded him $1. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. She placed her order. her heart still pounding. At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun." Other Washington insiders agree. and insisted that the president was neither talking in his sleep nor using a code phrase. In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. having driven onto the freeway. he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee.000 and dental expenses. George W. He was in town filming a movie. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store. She was awarded $12. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. the RV left the freeway. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster. Bush has stated that Iraq must hand over the Easter Bunny or face military action.750.500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone).50 cover charge.com) . This occurred while Ms. and he might just be sleepwalking. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. DC (AheadOfNews.000 plus a new motor home. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.foot Winnebago motor home. just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. or something. On his first trip home. successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. Arkansas. "At first I thought it was a code phrase. Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone.In a surprise statement made after two nearly sleepless nights. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. another customer entered the store. was awarded $14. He said to her. Then I realized he'd been working on his State of the Union speech for almost 48 hours straight. turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman." said a Washington insider who asked not to be named. crashed and overturned." . she turned to go back in.Jerry Williams of Little Rock. Oklahoma. "I wasn't quite sure how to take that. Mr. and that he's been using deception and stalling tactics to prevent the UN inspection team from finding him. "We have evidence obtained from our own sources that Saddam Hussein has the Easter Bunny. Pennsylvania.
He said he had gone to private school before now. They ran at him. They really should get lives. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. . So. I helped him pick up his books. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. "Boy. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. As I was walking. I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. and my friends thought the same of him. and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon). I knew that we would always be friends. When we were seniors. and nuclear weapons of mass destruction. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. As I handed him his glasses. I thought to myself. and asked him where he lived. "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle. and I saw a tear in his eye. Over the next four years. It's not up to us to prove that Iraq has the Easter Bunny. I stopped him and said. He was going to be a doctor. His glasses went flying. so I asked him why I had never seen him before. "Those guys are jerks. and I was going for business on a football scholarship. knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. It's up to Iraq to prove that it does not. If Saddam Hussein can't do something this simple. we began to think about college. His name was Kyle. I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. so I shrugged my shoulders and went on." He looked at me and said. but also biological.absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. the more I liked him. Kyle decided on Georgetown. chemical. As it turned out.Powell continued "Let me make this perfectly clear ." One day. when I was a freshman in high school. that the miles would never be a problem. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. I said. and I carried some of his books. he lived near me. He said yes. it's absolute proof that they are not only deliberately hiding the Easter Bunny. Kyle and I became best friends. My heart went out to him. I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses. and I was going to Duke. "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. Monday morning came. We talked all the way home.
If it comes back to you. I gave him my driver's license. you can: 1) Pass this on to your friends or 2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. Today was one of those days. Look for God in others. your teachers. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. I could see that he was nervous about his speech." he said. maybe a coach.but mostly your friends. then you'll know you have a circle of friends. Dumb is Good A long.. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. So. when I was 19 or 20. sometimes I was jealous. which of course had my date of birth . you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. I took choice number 1.I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. he cleared his throat. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." It's National Friendship Week. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. He looked great. "Thanks. your siblings. Your parents. As you can see. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. I saw Kyle. Never underestimate the power of your actions. I smacked him on the back and said. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. time ago. As he started his speech. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. "Thankfully. I went to a bar with an older friend. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. For better or for worse. big guy. Graduation day. and began. Show your friends how much you care. The guy at the door asked for my ID. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable. I am going to tell you a story. popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I was saved. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. long. You now have two choices. Boy. "Hey.
printed on it. 8. Wedding plans take care of themselves. they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 9. then said." He looked at it again for a moment. 24. Grey hair and wrinkles add character. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 12. You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week. . A five-day holiday requires one overnight bag. You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he is mad at you. 29. If you are 34 and still single. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of some one drying. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. "You have to be 21 to get in here. 30. OK" and let me in. 7. Same work. nobody even notices. 34 Reasons why it feels good to be a man 1. 18. Flowers fix everything. It doesn't mean they hate you. 6. Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe. 21. more pay! 28. 2. You can open all your jars. it means they forgot to invite you. 32. "Oh. 33. Farts are (still) funny. 17. Window-shopping is what you do when you buy windows." I replied. The remote control is yours and yours alone. 31. You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversaries. you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you 11. 16. Queues for the bathroom don't exist. he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is. Chocolate is just another snack. 25. Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. Car mechanics tell you the truth. Football. 22. 20. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 5. Dieting involves getting regular-sized fries with your burger. 10. You can shower and be ready to go in 10 minutes 13. 15. Understanding football (any football). Biological clock!? What is that? 19. and they still can be your friend. 34. 26. One mood. If someone forgets to invite you to something. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry. "That ID is a few years old. 3. all the time 27. When your work is criticised. 4. 23. He looked at it and said. Reverse parking is easy. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around. You can send this to males and not have to worry about them being offended. If you don't call your buddy when you had said you would. 14.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. The beatings will continue until morale improves.. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her adult's class. 8. in as SINISTER a voice as you can.means never having to take all the blame yourself. After exploring the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother. Reach Your Goals.then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. the tough take a coffee break. When the going gets tough. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company. Then ask them to spell the company name.. my dog just died." 10. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity A person who smiles in the face of adversity. "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy. try management. my arthritis is acting up. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. my eyelashes are sore.. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan. Hang in there. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care... Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. reply.. ask them to spell their name. 7. Aim Low. Succeed in spite of management. If they want to loan you money. . A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.would you be my friend?" 6. Then ask them where it is located. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker...If you can stay calm. If at first you don't succeed. "Thou shall not kill.. Eagles may soar. retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile.probably has a scapegoat." 9. how have you been?" Hopefully. while all around you is chaos. TEAMWORK. We waste time. tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Cry out in surprise.. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Avoid Disappointment. and I have all these problems.. this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from. Plagiarism saves time. so you don't have to." she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our spouses?" Without missing a beat one older man answered. "I don't have any friends .
There was once an Indian man called Raju who was >involved in a car accident. when he awoke. and I will never leave you". because you want to write EVERY WORD down. how's your momma?" 1. > >a man came down the aisle. >You are in a very critical condition. and I will never leave you". but that is the least of >your worries you lost your left arm in the crash. are you here?" "I am here >father. That is the least of your worries. "Come on Leon. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon. Anil and Priya are >here . are you here?" "I am >here husband. "if Shilpa. he called >for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him. Dilip. > . > > > >Just then the back door opened. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number. >my child. 2. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. "I lost my arm? My Rolex! My >Rolex!" "Sir. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY.5. but all your family are here to see >you".she said apologetically." "Priya. but >you were involved in a very bad car crash". 4. and I will never leave you. "Anil. playing a joke. ask him/her to marry you. WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP?!!!!" A minister passing through his church > >in the middle of the day. cut it out! Seriously. When they get all flustered. "Sir. "Shilpa.and Hang up. "Dilip. and I will never leave >you.if all of you are here." said Raju thoughtfully. your car >was destroyed. "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye . sir.he called for each of them by name. As they gathered around the >bed. At the hospital. "Car crash! My Porsche! my >Porsche! is my car all right?" he asked hysterically. you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home. are you here?" "I am here father. Leon. He asked for his family to be called in. > >Decided to pause by the altar > >and see who had come to pray. are you here?" "I am >here father. After the telemarketer gives their spiel. 3. "I'm very sorry. right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say. tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger." "Well. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. and we were unable to >save it". please calm down.
> > > >His shirt was shabby. > > > >Well. > >He decided to stop the man and ask him. > > > >In the days that followed. > >each time he knelt just for a moment. > >then rose and walked away. > >the man knelt. see. > >a lunch pail in his lap. he bowed his head. > >Lunchtime was his prayer time. > > > >"I stay only moments. > >for finding strength and power. > >Lunch was half an hour. > >as I kneel here talking to the Lord. > >this is what I say: > > > .>The minister frowned as he saw > >the man hadn't shaved in a while. > >because the factory is so far away. old > >and his coat was worn and frayed. the minister's suspicions grew. > >with robbery a main fear. > >"What are you doing here?" > > > >The old man said he worked down the road. > >each noon time came this chap.
> >SO." He sped to the door. Jim smiled. > >told Jim. > >he'd never done it before. JESUS. > >I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY. > > > >His cold heart melted. BUT I > >THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY. LORD. > >he repeated old Jim's prayer: > > > >HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN. > >DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY. that was fine. > >and met with Jesus there. and said > >"Thanks. BUT I > >THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. > >SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP > >AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN." > > > >The minister feeling foolish. > >HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN. in his heart. warmed with love. > >SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP > >AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. > >As the tears flowed.>"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU. > >The minister knelt at the altar. > > > >Time to go. > >He told the man he was welcome > >to come and pray just anytime. > .
>SO. > >He had nowhere to turn. > >not a visitor he had. old Jim spoke up > . > > > >The week that Jim was with them. were his reward. JESUS. > >His smiles. > >he voiced the nurse's concern: > >No friends came to show they cared. > >but he'd given them a thrill. he asked about him. > > > >The head nurse couldn't understand > >why Jim was so glad. > >As more days passed without Jim. > >learning he was ill. > >he began to worry some. the minister noticed > >that old Jim hadn't come. > > > >Looking surprised. a joy contagious. > > > >At the factory. > >Changed people. > > > >The minister stayed by his bed." > > > >Past noon one day. THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY. calls or cards came. > >when no flowers. > >brought changes in the ward. > >The hospital staff was worried.
. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise. > >HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN. This is the > version of the story that we've all grown up with. > >"The nurse is wrong. you see. he thought > he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race. THIS IS JESUS > >CHECKING IN TODAY. > > ORIGINAL VERSION > 1. They agreed on a > route and started off the race. > > NEW VERSION .>and with a winsome smile." > > > >If this blesses you. > >AND SO JIM. > >a dear friend of mine. > >ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY. takes my hand.. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for > some time. > >I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY. > >He sits right down. > >that in here all the while > >everyday at noon He's here. JIM. > >SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP. The tortoise plodding on > overtook him and soon finished the race. pass it on. Many > >people will walk in and out of > >your life. > > > The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. They decided to settle the argument with a race. she couldn't know. emerging as the undisputed champ. > >AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN. but only true friends will > >leave footprints in your heart. > >leans over and says to me: > >"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU. Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was > faster. > > He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep.
> > Working to your strengths will not only get you noticed. But the story doesn't end here. got into the river. So they decided to do the last race > again. by this time. > > The hare agreed. one slow. there's no way the tortoise could have beaten him. He won by several miles. The hare and the tortoise. He realised that he'd lost the race only because he had > been overconfident. the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to > finish. The tortoise agreed. make sure you do some sort of research. but on a slightly different route. So he > challenged the tortoise to another race. > > The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some > soul-searching. if you are a good speaker. the hare took off and ran at top speed > until he came to a broad river. > > They started off. and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the > riverbank. the > fast and reliable chap will consistently climb the organizational ladder > faster than the slow. > > It's good to be slow and steady. but will also > create opportunities for growth and advancement. > > The moral of the story? Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and > steady. someone told me a more interesting version of this > story. and then > challenged the hare to another race. methodical > and reliable. swam to the opposite bank. If you have two people in your organization. The finishing line was a couple of > kilometres on the other side of the river. > > This time. > > The moral of the story? First identify your core competency and then > change the playing field to suit your core competency. He thought for a while. If he had not taken things for > granted. but it's better to be fast and reliable. make > a report and send it upstairs. had become pretty good friends > and they did some thinking together. They started off. > > 3. There. make sure you create > opportunities to give presentations that enable the senior management to > notice you. continued > walking and finished the race. > > If your strength is analysis. > > The story still hasn't ended!! > > 4. > > The hare sat there wondering what to do.> 2. In the meantime the tortoise > trundled along. > > In an organization. The tortoise did some thinking this > time. Both realized that the last race > could have been run much better. But then recently. and the other fast and still reliable at what he does. It continues. methodical chap. careless and lax. and realized that there's no way he can beat the hare in a race the > way it was currently formatted. In keeping with his self-made > commitment to be consistently fast. the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on . but to run as a team this time.
> > The moral of the story? It's good to be individually brilliant and to have > strong core competencies.> his back. never give up when faced with > failure. Goizueta said Coke needed a larger share of that market. > > > To this end. letting the person with > the relevant core competency for a situation take leadership.1 per cent a time. His executives were Pepsi-focused and intent on increasing market > share 0. > > When Roberto Goizueta took over as CEO of Coca-Cola in the 1980s. the story of the hare and tortoise teaches us many things. > > The hare and the tortoise also learnt another vital lesson. > > In life. we perform far better. When we stop > competing against a rival and instead start competing against the > situation. milk and fruit > juices that went into the remaining 12 ounces. Sales > took a quantum jump and Pepsi has never quite caught up since. The public should reach for > a Coke whenever they felt like drinking something. The > competition wasn't Pepsi. On the opposite bank. > > To sum up. but unless you're able to work in a team and > harness each other's core competencies. pooling resources and working as a team > will always beat individual performers. > > The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard > as he could. > > Chief among them are that fast and consistent will always beat slow and > steady. Coke put up vending machines at every street corner. > > The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure. And sometimes it is appropriate to > do both. you'll always perform below par > because there will always be situations at which you'll do poorly and > someone else does well. > > Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership. sometimes it is appropriate to work > harder and put in more effort. > > Goizueta decided to stop competing against Pepsi and instead compete > against the situation of 0.1 per cent growth. It was the water. > > He asked his executives what was the average fluid intake of an American > per day? The answer was 14 ounces. work to your competencies. when faced with failure. They both felt a greater sense > of satisfaction than they'd felt earlier. and finally. Note that neither the > hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures. he was > faced with intense competition from Pepsi that was eating into Coke's > growth. coffee. tea. > > There are more lessons to be learnt from this story. What was Coke's share of that? Two > ounces. Sometimes it is appropriate to change > strategy and try something different. compete against the situation not against a rival > . the hare again carried the tortoise and > they reached the finishing line together.
. If each of you sent it to at least ten more.. It's really simple to do!! Now. It was more inconvenient to us than it was a problem for them. and so on.. offered this good idea. Would you rather petrol prices came down instead? We need to take some intelligent. but we can do something about it. has come up with a plan that can really work. How long will all this take? . THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! Again.you're right.> Subject: Petrol Prices.. If they reduce their prices. or it may be even higher. If they are not selling any petrol. whoever thought of this idea. we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each. we consumers need to take action.if everyone sends this email out to .. We received the following message from the UK which is very interesting but will it work? We are willing to give it a go . by the time the message reaches only the sixth generation of people. MOBIL and BP/SHELL. and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3..keep reading and we will explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!! We are sending this note to a lot of people. and it makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy petrol on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April/May! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt ourselves" by refusing to buy petrol.000) . yes . The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come down is if we hit someone in the pocket by not purchasing their Petrol! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves either. not sellers. then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further. That's all (and NOT buy your petrol at MOBIL/BP/SHELL). BUT. they will quickly reduce their prices. the other companies will have to follow suit. we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the market. don't wimp out at this point. We are going to hit close to Ksh 80 a litre by the summer. But to have an impact. Here's the idea: For the rest of this year (or until the desired effect is achieved).. united action!!! Philip Hollsworth. we need to reach literally MILLIONS of Mobil and BP/Shell petrol buyers. DON'T purchase ANY petrol from the two biggest oil companies (which now are one).. Please read it and join in! PLAN Now that the oil company cartels and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a litre is CHEAP at 77p -80p.. then 30 x 10 = 300. With the price of petrol going up more each day..how about you? The price of petrol has gone up by Ksh 2 in the last 3 months! We are now paying almost Ksh 62 per litre up from Kshs 54 last year!!!! This is preposterous. all you have to do is send this to a minimum of 10 people.
5. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEIR PRICES GO BELOW SHS. The Father. he got nervous and took a drink. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy. Le président s’étonne: “ Mais Madame.e. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. If this makes sense to you please. There are 10 commandments. boycott BP/Shell and Mobil. don't gulp. did you! Acting together we CAN DEFINITELY make a difference. 2. Au premier tour du vote.i. There are 12 disciples.ten more people within one day of receipt. Jesus was consecrated. "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit. 55/= A LITRE. Total etc. je vous ai sauté la première fois. le président ne daigne même pas donner à Madame la possibilité de voter. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. The monsignor replied. If I start to get nervous. 4. (They would still make a healthy profit at these prices). je vous ai sauté la deuxième fois et cette foisci vous ne voulez pas que je vous saute!” Les francophones éclatent de rire alors que les anglphones restent perplexe. not 10. and buy your petrol at Caltex. please pass this message on NOW. not 12. les interprètes ayant traduit correctement: I skipped you. Madame s’insurge. Le président de la séance. David slew Goliath. 6. At the beginning of the sermon. une dame s’abstient. he found the following note on the door: 1. C. met la motion aux voix. he did not kick the shit out of him. 3. un Belge. Son. not constipated. Pareillement au 2ème tour. I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. It's easy to make this happen. How about this one? Union Européenne. 7. Jacob wagered his donkey." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. I take a sip. Just forward this email. Upon his return to his office after mass. . 8. Junior and the Spook. Sip the Vodka. He proceeded to talk up a storm. he did not bet his ass. Au troisième tour. all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! We will bet you didn't think you had that much potential.
she doesn't sit around whining about it. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask. yeah God. Taffy's. often undeserved." 11. not a peter pulling contest at St.what she is. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry. I value women who are over 40 most of all. And it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. Women over 40 are dignified." He did not say "Eat me" 12.9. As I grow in age. Of course.don't say he was stoned off his ass. She does something she wants to do. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey. 14. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub.. . They always know. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.. Older women are generous with praise. Peter's. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is. "Take this and eat it for it is my body. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. if you deserve it." 13. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. 10. what she wants and from whom. What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
if you keep this up. Older women are forthright and honest. a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. "we are no longer in the Navy. About 06:30. the parrot did the same thing. the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. well-coiffed. Reveille" The old chief told the parrot. the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. For every stunning. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.. it's not always reciprocal. the parrot squawked and said. He went out to see what . and true to his word." The next morning. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. Go back to sleep. "Look. we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot." he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands.Once you get past a wrinkle or two.. paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-yearold waitress. I will put you out in the chicken pen.. Ladies. The old Chief told the parrot." Again the parrot did it. there is a bald. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!" The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. I apologize for all of us. First morning at 04:30. hot woman of 40+. Unfortunately. Andy Rooney A young married couple lived in a cheap housing complex. smart. "Give this to your husband. Yes.
I don't mean Khakis!" BALLO M.20% vous revient de droit . "Beatrice Gitaka (E-mail)" . "Esther (E-mail)" . Ceci étant . la stricte confidence de cette opporunité nous oblige à faire recours à vous qui saurez mieux apprécier la présente opportunité dans la mesure où : A.Bénin ( Afrique de l'Ouest ) . Mon amie .000 Millions dollars U$ qu'elle désirait transférer sur compte à l'étranger pour les investissements dans de différents projets de votre choix . "eunice muturi (E-mail)" . Très confidentiel . "Edmund Juma (E-mail)" . Avec mon dynamisme nous avons pu transporter la caisse contenant les fonds par la voie maritime de la Côte d'Ivoire puis déposé dans une compagnie de sécurité à Cotonou à laquelle nous avons déclaré qu'à l'intérieur de cette caisse se trouvent des documents précieux . Je viens par le présent message vous soumettre une opporunité d'affaire pour laquelle je recherche actrivement un partenaire sérieux qui doit rester dans la stricte confidentielité . NB: Répondez par mail ou par mon téléphone . "By God. The parrot was saying.5% seront destinés aux divers ( y compris les frais de vos déplacements) Les trois points ci-dessus cités seront respectés au vu du contrat qui sera signé entre nous dès votre arrivée à Cotonou . recevez cher Monsieur mes sincères et meilleures salutations . "Dennis Mucheru (E-mail)" . Andrew" >To: Aimée (E-mail) . En effet . j'ai aidé la fille de Monsieur Général Guéi . Prosper . Andrew" >Reply-To: "GITHOITHO. "consolata wambui (E-mail)" . En espérant une réaction de votre part . Prosper Représentant commercial 05 BP: 1856 Cotonou E-mail megnonglo@yahoo. "Barbara (E-mail)" . B. madame Brigitte Guéi détient une somme de : 22. when I say fall out in dress whites. The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. "Bijou (E-mail)" .fr GSM 00229 90 87 67 Rép . >From: "GITHOITHO. Cher Monsieur . tué en Côte d'Ivoire en Septembre dernier qui réside actuellement à Cotonou .was the matter. Ballo M. C. "Elizabeth Murage (E-mail)" .000. .75% pour le propriétaire des fonds et moi-même. "Edward Kimotho (E-mail)" .
pendant que vous faites cela. "Flavia (E-mail)" .. he's a little ticked >off. Well. > The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile." his mother says. mais c'est vrai! > >André! >Good morning. He goes to >feed the cows. "I saw you kick the chicken. > "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk >in my cereal?" > "Well. "Linda (E-mail)" . and says. "Nancy Njeri (E-mail)" . and kicks a chicken.. I also saw you kick the cow. . >"Not yet. >his mother asks if he had done his chores. >"Are you going to tell him. "Michel Kirumba (E-mail)" . "irene kioko (E-mail)" . "evelyn mathara (E-mail)" . >Ensuite. so you don't get >any bacon for a week either. "Shadrack care (E-mail)" . "Rose wambui (E-mail)" . but it does include a free trip around the >sun every year. so for a week >you aren't getting any milk. His mother tells him he can't >have any breakfast until he does his chores."Eva Shiraku (E-mail)" . and he kicks a cow. avec votre main droite." said the little boy. so he goes to feed the chickens. He goes to feed the pigs. "Kindel Ludeki (E-mail)" ." > Just then. I saw you kick the pig. dessinez le chiffre "6" dans les >airs. "Muratha (E-mail)" . "Magdaline Musyoka (Email)" . and he >kicks a pig. "Sheila Mutembei (E-mail)" . levez votre jambe droite et >formez des cercles en tournant dans le sens des aiguilles d'une montre. >Votre pied va changer de direction! >C'est con. "Larry Asego (E-mail)" . He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a >bowl of dry cereal.so that u may live >2)Take a bath-so that others may live too! A little boy comes down to breakfast. or should I?" > THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE" > > Living on Earth is expensive. Since they live on a farm. 11 Sep 2003 03:05:55 -0400 > >Pendant que vous êtes assis à votre bureau. so you don't get any >eggs for a week.have you done the 2 most important things when you woke >up 2day? >1)Pray. > > How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the >pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen. "Virginie Noyal (Email)" >Subject: Essaiyons!! >Date: Thu.
> > "And that person was me. > > Have an awesome day. some >are dull. some are pretty." The man dated the first daughter. "Well. and know that someone who thinks you're great has >thought about you today!. > > Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. > > Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.".. > > With love!! > Dru!!!! > MessageRead it all. > > Don't cry because it's over.but they >all exist very nicely in the same box. > > If Safaricom & Kencell are lowering prices every day.. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. so you came to the right place... Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning. how come nothing is >free yet? > > You may be only one person in the world.. Look 'em over and pick the one you want. gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer.pigeon-toed. smile because it happened.. > > A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. so the man went out with the second daughter.. The farmer simply replied. "she's just a weeeeee bit.. but you may also be the world to >one person. asking for permission to marry one of them." said the man.it is interesting.. the more you have. "They're lookin' to get married. > > Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than >the people who have to wait for them? > > Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.yambukai. the longer you live." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.> > Birthdays are good for you.. some have weird names. not that you can hardly notice. . and all are different colors. > > We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp. "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
having supper with a nice young lady.. Peter. Beauty Lies in the Heart and not in Looks. but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table. how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute. She's the one I want to marry. 'Darling. not that you can hardly tell."the man replied.. I would say.." Teacher. just perfect.. "Yes. but I really need to go to the bathroom.. asks a student. "I'm sorry.." Teacher.. are you able to use your intelligence for Once and show us your good manners?" Johnny. don't let it stop here Pass it on to your friends.." If this brightened your day. pregnant when you met her. not that you could hardly tell." "What about you. "Well. "That's better. But Seldom People understand this During class. So he did.cross-eyed." explained the farmer.Months later the baby was born. "Well.. how would you say it?" Peter.. I have to go pee. if you were on a date." So they were wed right away. the farmer again asked how things went. Little Johnny. whom I hope . "That would be rude and impolite. "she's just a weeeee bit. most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest.. "She's perfect.." "And you. a teacher trying to teach good manners.The next day. "She was just a weeeee bit.. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming. "Michael. I'll be right back. may I please be excused for a moment? I Have to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." "I should be in charge." The teacher fainted." said the blood. "Because I run all the body's systems. Within a few days. the brain had a terrible headache." said the legs. so without me nothing would happen. "I should be in charge. the legs got wobbly. ." said the rectum." "I should be in charge. the stomach was bloated. "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away. he shut down tight." "I should be in charge. "Because I allow the body to see where it goes. the eyes got watery. and the blood Was toxic." "I should be in charge. so in a huff." said the brain .you'll get to meet after supper. "because I carry the body wherever it ! n eeds to go." said the stomach." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him. trying to decide who was the one in charge." Because I process food and give all of you energy." said the eyes." "I should be in charge. All the organs of the body were having a meeting.
you get fired forwatching TV and playing games.you get your own toilet..... . > > > AT WORK..you get time off for good behaviour > > > AT WORK... > > > > > > IN PRISON..... > > > AT WORK... > > > > > > IN PRISON... who gives a Shit -----> > > IN PRISON.they allow your family and friends to visit > > > AT WORK..The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !! If you don't send this to at least 8 people.you can't even speak toyour family on the phone. > > > > > > IN PRISON.you must deal with sadistic wardens. you spend the majorityof your time in a 6X8 desk > > > cubicle. > > > > > > IN PRISON..you have to share withsome idiot who pees on the seat.. > > > AT WORK. > > > AT WORK.you must carry around asecurity card and open all the > > > doors for yourself. > > > > > > IN PRISON. > > > > > > IN PRISON..you only get a break forone meal and you pay for it.... > > > > > > IN PRISON..you get three meals a day. > > > AT WORK..you get more work forgood behaviour.... > > > > > > IN PRISON......the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required....you can watch TV and play games..you get to pay all theexpenses to go to work and then > > > they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. > > > AT WORK.the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
that use Taiwanese chips.. This is sent to you by an African .I'mgoing to PRISON!!! Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant. on Japanese motorcycles. using Bill Gates 's technology. treated by an American doctor. . driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky. and you're probably reading this on your computer. > > > > > > Have a Great Day at WORK .> > > AT WORK. followed closely by Italian Paparazzi.they are calledmanagers. driving a German car with a Dutch engine. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel. using Brazilian medicines.. and a Korean monitor.
not a colour. Now here are the rules from the male side. We need it up. we meant the other one. Crying is blackmail. 1. for example. unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. Sunday = sports. it's pretty good. If it itches. 1. These are the rules! (Please note. like Windows default settings. you need it down. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. 1. we are never going to think of it that way. you probably are. See a doctor. but it is just not worth the hassle. We do that. 1. Not both. We have no idea what mauve is. 1.. 1. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. is Globalization !!!! Finally. If you think you're fat. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. If you already know best how to do it. put it down. And no. 1. 1.. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1.. 1. 1.. hijacked by Indonesians. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Let it be. Peach. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls. In fact. If something we said can be interpreted two ways. expect an answer you don't want to hear. ... You're a big girl. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Ask for what you want. Learn to work the toilet seat. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing. all comments become null and void after 7 days. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to. just do it yourself. Whenever possible. That.transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers. 1. 1. is a fruit. and one of the ways makes you sad or angry. and trucked to you by Mexican illegals. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down." we will act like nothing's wrong. I must admit. 1. my friend. We know you are lying. 1. it will be scratched. the guys side of the story. That's what we do. If it's up. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. Don't ask us. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!) 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 1.
Addendum The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. or monster trucks. my assistant programmer. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . Phineas works independently.1. the type that cannot be 11 dispensed with.. absolutely anything you wear is fine. Round is a shape. can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. 1. Pass this to as many women as you can . 1. You have enough clothes. without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Thank you for reading this. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work.to give them a bigger laugh!! Letter of recommendation 1 Phineas Dlamini. and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. I know.. 1. I have to sleep on the couch tonight. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball. I truly recommend that Phineas be 12 promoted to executive management. it's like camping. Phineas is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field.to give them a laugh. 1. and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. I firmly believe that Phineas can be 10 classed as a high-calibre employee. I am in shape. When we have to go somewhere. You have too many shoes. Phineas never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees. Consequently. Really. but did you know men really don't mind that. Pass this to as many men as you can . 1. the shotgun formation. Yes.
or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun. the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. A few shovel loads later. Then. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. the farmer finally looked down the well. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.Remember this? THE DONKEY One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. 2. he would shake it off and take a step up. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Free your mind from worries .Forgive. 3. it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.smile and close this page. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Expect less You have two choices. to everyone's amazement he quieted down. Free your heart from hatred . We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping. Pretty soon. everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! MORAL : Life is going to shovel dirt on you. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal. I know what I did!! . With each shovel of dirt that hit his back. all kinds of dirt.. Give more. He was astonished at what he saw. the donkey was doing something amazing. At first. He would shake it off and take a step up. Finally. he decided the animal was old. 4.Most never happen. 5. and the well needed to be covered up anyway. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
. If you do.. you might break theirs.. It does it on its own. Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or Saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.. You can't tell your heart what to do.. or even when you don't want it to. .if you don't. But every time we tell a lie. or even at all. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had.. the thing we fear grows stronger.. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.. afraid of what will be found out about us. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them..for fear that the other person does not care as much.. afraid of what others will think. Have u ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. afraid of what we don't know.. when you least suspect it. but that other perso n was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much. they might break your heart.Read Slowly.
And I want to tell you that you are a friend. you wou ld be in my heart. you will send this back. Would I be in yours? If you care about me as much as I care about you. or could have had. We might be best friends one year. and don't want to talk at all the year after that.Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done. If you died tomorrow (God Forbid). but people die. I just wanted to say. *What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore) *What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them? People live. . even if I never talk to you again in my life. pretty good friends the next year. So. don't talk that often the next.
respect you. no matter how often you talk. just remember comfort this e-mail in knowing and take somebody out there cares about you and always will. and truly cherish you. or how close you are. and send it to the person who sent it to you. Remember.you are to me and you have made a difference in my life. Send this to all your friends. every one needs a friend. Let old friends special and tell new friends you never will. someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all. I look up to you. . know you haven't forgotten them.
" R5." . "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship.I LOVE YOU!!!! Send this to all the friends that you have..send this back to the person who sent it to you if you consider them a friend as well... very risky but it is the only hope. then later question each one on the other's behavior.. "Well..and to all the friends you've lost touch with." his mistress said. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side. So he decided to send them on the same cruise..just to let them know that you care. and R200 for a female brain. "She was a real lady. someone asked. After a great length of time. The disheartened man then arranged a meeting with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife." he said as he surveyed the worried faces. Insurance will cover the procedure." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. the doctor came in looking tired and somber. but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. When his wife returned. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him." his wife reported. he asked her about the people on the trip in general. where their family member lay gravely ill.all the friends that you've lost.000 for a male brain. It's an experimental procedure." In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally. then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress...
so they are as good as new" SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT > My husband gave me very good excuses for me to look for someone to > satisfy my needs. because they've actually been used. "It's just standard pricing procedure. But iva nehana' Women are more subtle and successful in their > extramarital affairs. Men in the room tried not to smile. > > She gave me one RULE.Ende boyfriend munongoziyawo > manyawi inobva yaita sex yesvoto chaiyo .Meaning the extra boyfriend to talk to and cry to and get sex from > . then started again. Wat more does he want? a woman who bears him quads? > > Manje NO NDAKARAMBA. kugeza ka4 pazuva etc. this time more discreetly.' Vese vaunoona ava vanonyengwa kuside vane anonzi ma "pain > ease". > A mature lady in her 40's whom i told the problem was surprised i did > not have a boyfriend. depression and was on the brink of > madness. but some actually smirked. good salary. AM STILL VERY YOUNG. I am an > attractive professional woman with a good job. blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. she said these days. He repented for a > while. few satisfied married women > are faithful. i found me a guy who satisfies my physical > needs. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group. > Kumbonamata.ende he takes me to places that . avoiding eye contact with the women.The moment turned awkward. Man shag other women at one point or another in their lives > > THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DID. the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. I gave him 1 > girl and twin boys. A man unable to control his curiosity. he is also married so fair game. If you leave him you may find a > worse devil. but to no avail. > > Ndakazama zvese zvandingagone for the marriage to work. > > I used to have endless migrane. But he never seemed to care. He had an affair and apologised. KEEP YOUR MAN. Chaaishora ndakachishaya. We have to mark down the price of the female brains.
"there's somethin' I can't figger out. > Varume vanoda pambokwirwa nemumwe. she said 'You two love each other' and i told her for a marriage to work.' Tit for tat. there is an equal and opposite reaction. right?" "Right. because i am also a busy > woman. 'security' and > occassional sex etc. 'IT takes TWO." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians. i dont whinge to hubby > anymore. recipe iyi inoshanda manje. an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important. too. newton's third law of motion. an' the Children of > >Israel fought the Romans. right?" "Again you're right." "What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher." "Teacher.> I just never thought existed." announced little Joey. i dont stalk his every movement. > All of a sudden I think he is much smarter than my husband. way much > smarter. Surprisingly.. A newly married girl said she admires our marriage. right?" "Er. right?" >> "All that is right. Hubby > actually said i am now a mature woman. right. the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea.He sends the sweetest of messages and we > can be on the fone for hours while my husband is out doing his thing. "For every action. The husband takes care of the finance. "So what's your question?" > . "Well accordin' to the Bible." agreed the teacher. its working." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple.. MATURE indeed! Men love to have wives who let them be and who never ask questions. What men don't know is that the moment a woman stops asking she has merely stopped caring." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines. Either her attention is on someone else or she is working on plan B.
You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 10. A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma. 13. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. 1." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. 11. Go on. is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 12. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 4.. Even worse.." demanded Joey. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 3. Leaving the house without your cell phone. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?" YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when. 7. Then he came . You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. "They're up in bed. 8. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.What I wanna know is this. 14. 5. 15. 6. "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied. 2. you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. forward this to your friends ! I know you want to. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
"Well." This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. the person is ." "Well. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. but until we find out for sure. "Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied. and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling. we can't tell anybody. A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION! A young husband comes home one night. mad as a bull. ma'am. because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. "Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied. "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied." says the clerk. however. and he. you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue!" He must have got himself stuck somewhere in his room. All you have to do is pay us. "They're still up in bed." The next day. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma. a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell."They're still up in bed. sir." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked. we'd have no option but to cut yours off. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired. ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. I have great news: " I'm a month overdue. in that case." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well. she tells her husband about the visit. Smith? You're a month overdue. let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night. "Just calm down.back in for lunch and asked his grandma. "it's nothing serious. Grandma fainted. "Well.
and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.. can you see if it is?" > "No. may I help you?" > "Yes. Can you see that?" > "Yes. did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it. then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord > goes into it.. Well. Follow the cord to the plug." > "What sort of trouble?" > "Well." > "Okay. here it is. it is.." > "Well. it won't accept anything I type!" > "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > "What's a monitor?" > "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. and all of a sudden the words went away. not just one?" > "No. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" > "There isn't any cursor: I told you.." > "Great." > "Well. there are. I'm having trouble with Word Perfect.Yes. So what does your screen look like now?" > "Nothing." > "Went away?" > "They disappeared." > "Nothing?" > "It's blank. well. This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal : > "Word Perfect Technical Desk." > "Hmm. I was just typing along.currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." > "I can't reach. > "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" > "I don't know. I think so. or did you get out?" > "How do I tell?" > "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > "What's a sea-prompt?" > "Never mind." > "Uh huh." ." > "Are you still in Word Perfect." > ".. and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." > "When you were behind the monitor.." > "Follow it for me. it won't accept anything when I type.
How can this be? 3. > "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" > "Well. He has to choose between three rooms." > "No? Why not?" > "Because there's a power outage.. I keep them in the closet. the second is full of assassins with loaded guns. she hangs him.. and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." > "Good..." > "Well.all right then. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together..." > "A power. .. red when you use it. Finally...... Okay..." > "I can't.." "Questions" 1. I'm afraid it is.I suppose. What do I tell them?" > "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. turn on the office light then. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.. and gray when you throw it away? . A murderer is condemned to death. we've got it licked now." > "Dark?" > "Yes-the office light is off. A power outage? Aha. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. and the only light I have is coming in from the window.. How could you put all of this water into a barrel. The first is full of raging fires.. A woman shoots her husband...> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > "Oh. What is black when you buy it. yes. without using the jugs or any dividers. . Go get them.." > "Really? Is it that bad?" > "Yes. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." > "Well. and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was > when you got it. Which room is safest for him? 2..
"I don't know. the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Saturday. Today. This is an unusual paragraph. " 5. Get more on shows you hate to love (and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list. Wednesday. LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues. .." which is the most common letter in the English language. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. The third. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact. Tuesday. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. but you still may not find anything odd." We won't tell. Thursday. and hung it up to dry.5. and Tomorrow! 6.Barbecue. you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! READY FOR THE ANSWERS? 1. Sure you can: Yesterday. 3. or Sunday? 6. 2. and think about it. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday. But if you work at it a bit. Study it.. She shot a picture of her husband. Friday. The answer is Charcoal. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. The letter "e. I guess she'd have to use a candle. 4. does not appear once in the long paragraph "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. Freeze them first. The woman was a photographer. developed it. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool. THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last. the next morning you will have a T jam. the telephone rings. will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a Tjam. you never get an engaged one. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. your nose will begin to itch. it will! LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. when dropped. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee. Among the instructions at the . The Husband Store A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City . LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease. where a woman may go to choose a husband.
she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 .You are visitor 4.These men have jobs.These men have jobs. are drop. love kids.These men have jobs. a catch .dead gorgeous. . She is so tempted to stay. Watch your step as you exit the building. love kids.These men have jobs and love the Lord. a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. and love kids.363. are drop.These men have job s. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 . This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. . mercy me!" she exclaims. love the Lord. love the Lord. and are extremely good looking. and have a strong romantic streak.. love kids. you may choose any man from a particular floor. and have a nice day! Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth! . help with the housework. There is. "I can hardly stand it!" Still.entrance is a description of how the store operates. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 . but feels compelled to keep going.dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 ." she thinks. but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 . love the Lord. love the Lord. or you may choose to go up a floor. There are no men on this floor. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 . however. "Wow.012 to this floor. but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in Red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey. I love you. If . He didn't even remember how he got home from The party. And.. Next to them. you screamed. "Son.. and when She tried to take your pants off. why is everything in such perfect order And so clean? I have a rose. "Leave me alone. Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. "So. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes. I left early to get groceries to make You your favourite dinner tonight. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order.what Happened last night?" "Well. he wondered if he did something wrong. a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing In front of him. Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough.. "Oh THAT.. there is hot breakfast. breakfast is on the stove. he asked his son. since trees are a renewable resource. As bad as he was feeling. and the first thing he sees Is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Mom dragged you to the bedroom. darling! Love. eating. you came home after 3 A.Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.M. all clean and pressed. and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies. and then you puked in the hallway. but the drinks didn't Taste like alcohol at all. I'm married!!" Wood is highly ecological. Jack is not normally a drinker. Jack asks. Confused.. He takes the aspirins. drunk and out of your mind You fell Over the coffee table and broke it.steaminghot coffee and the morning newspaper.andgot that black eye when you ran into the door. Cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. His 16 year old son is also at the table.
"Postpetroleum Guzzler" Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. when a group of cavemen were sitting around. Si la vie était une planète. . and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. -. -. if they really had it. watching dinosaurs rot.you cut down a tree. still another will grow. I would have the studies elective. The college.Dave Barry. lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. Peter de Vries If the colleges were better. The marking is a system for schools. which should be a place of delightful labor. you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. although their insurance rates went way up. yet another will grow. but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. Je te donnerais une galaxie. another will grow in its place. then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen. and from that day forward. Je te donnerais un arbre. and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion. and it will sit there in the forest. poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart. the cavemen had all the heat they needed. not for the college. Wood heat is not new. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. who did not understand English.Ralph Waldo Emerson Si les câlins étaient des feuilles . See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn. But the key discovery had been made. And if you cut down the new tree. is made odious and unhealthy. and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. for boys. cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. not for men. Suddenly. immediately beat him to death with stones. It dates back to a day millions of years ago. only this one will be a mutation with long. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes. And if you cut down that tree.
c' est la semaine des meilleur(e)s ami(es) Envoies ce message à ceux que tu considères comme des amis.Si l' amitié était une vie. A moi aussi si j' en fais partie. . Je te donnerais la mienne. S 'il te reviens plus de trois fois.
It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins. Mary's Hospital. scientific study revealed that. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation. but this is amazingly accurate. A closely monitored. Read the full description before looking at the picture. the more stress that person is experiencing. in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical. STRESS I am not sure exactly how it works. a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. .Tu es quelqu'un d' adorable. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it.
No Need to Reply. Nobody gets out alive anyway. I'll be in Mombasa on Vacation Never take life too seriously. .
keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed. In addition. and send cards out on time--no emailing. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. and have extreme. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. back aches. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house. and complete science projects. adorn himself with jewelry. a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. correct all homework. unexplained mood swings but never once complain . do laundry. During one of the six weeks. mothers!!! THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks. Each man must take care of his 3 kids.HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. There is no fast food. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care. and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money. keep his assigned house clean. The men must shave their legs. the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps. each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week. Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. cook. Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives. wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes. wear makeup daily.
If the last man does win. I thought he was acting weird. favorite snack. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. and length of labor. he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mother! After you get done laughing. I was shopping with my friends all day long. height.. The kids vote them off the island based on performance. Just don't send it back to me. The last man wins only if. Also the child's weight at birth. shoe size. weight.or slow down from other duties.. IsaSoares Girl's Diary VS boy's Diary HER DIARY ------------------ Day night. middle name. biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. favorite toy. They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning. clothes size and doctor's name.. feed them. They must attend weekly school meetings..he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. soIely thought he was . each child's favorite color. length. favorite song.. and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday. church. dress them. favorite drink. and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am. send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it. time of birth. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks.
On the way home I told him that I loved him.. I decided that I could not take it anymore. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.he said. _______________________________ HIS DIARY Today Arsenal lost against Man U. DAMN IT. I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women !!! 1. 3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. "Nothing. so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. too.. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'.. I don't know what to do. My life is gonna be a disaster. and change the channel manually. he agreed but he kept quiet and absent." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him. Of course it is. He just sat there and watched TV.upset at the fact that I was a bit late. I know where my watch is pal. I asked him what was wrong . I don't know why he didn't say. ."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. I can't explain his behavior. remote because they refuse to walk to the T. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.V. he simply smiled and kept driving. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.. "I love u. No Loser. as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. but he made no comment.
As-tu vérifié si ce que tu veux me dire est vrai? . did ya sunshine? 7.. Donne ce texte à ton curé et demande-lui de prendre ces trois cribles comme thème de son sermon au moins trois fois par trimestre.. J'en ai simplement entendu parler.. C'est ce que j'appelle le test des 3 passoires. couldn't be new. NCREDIBY GOOD ADVICE: LES 3 PASSOIRES Socrate avait. then there must have been something before it. dans la Grèce antique. . I don't…. La première passoire est celle de la vérité.Non. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. dumbass? *** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen. Didn't really give me a choice there. Avant que tu me racontes.. Celui des 3 passoires : . When something is 'new and improved!'. 8 When people say 'life is short'. If the bus came would I be standing here. you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. then there has never been anything before it. reprit Socrate. répondit Socrate. If it's an improvement. j'aimerais te faire passer un test.Les 3 passoires? Mais oui.6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'..Un instant. Which is it? If it's new. il est bon de prendre le temps de filtrer ce que l'on aimerait dire.. Avant de me raconter toutes sortes de choses sur les autres. Quelqu'un vient un jour trouver le grand philosophe et lui dit : 'Sais-tu ce que je viens d'apprendre sur ton ami? . une haute opinion de la sagesse..
Eventually. and I will explain it to you. and fell to the floor with a heart attack. you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife." ~*SPECIAL PEOPLE*~ This is sent to the special people in my life. "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. or a lifetime. two without. "Dear. read the postcard. Tu peux peut-être encore passer le test.Donc. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. continua Socrate.Très bien. He replied. celle de la bonté. ni utile. tu veux me raconter de Mauvaises choses sur lui et tu n'es même pas certain si elles sont vraies. Not wanting his wife to find out.. .Non." The doctor said. Essayons de filtrer autrement en utilisant une deuxième passoire. a season.Ah non ! Au contraire. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs." Not knowing what else to do. the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. and I don't understand what it means. you know exactly what to do. ni bien." Later that evening the doctor came home. celle de l'utilité. "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. est-ce quelque chose de bon ? . I'll take care of all the child's expenses. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. Ce que tu veux m'apprendre sur mon ami. "Just wait until I get home. pourquoi vouloir me le dire ?' Have a good one! Spaghetti A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Tu ne sais donc pas si c'est la vérité. Pas vraiment. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. conclut Socrate. he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. Alors. Est-il utile que tu m'apprennes ce que mon ami aurait fait ? . to see how many of you actually read your e-mail! Your response will be interesting! Here goes: People come into your life for a reason. They have come to . I am sending this to you. car il reste une passoire. When someone is in your life for a REASON. si ce que tu as à me raconter n'est ni vrai. When you figure out which it is. she became pregnant by him.
including the person who sent it to you. this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. and they are. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. It is said that love is blind but friendship is a blessing. our desire fulfilled. without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time. to aid you physically. Smile and stop here if you're not into this final part: This is to show people you love them and to see how many people love you!!!!!! Don't feel embarrassed because only you will get the results. only for a season. Send it to every friend that you have online. and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons. What we must realize is that our need has been met. Your job is to accept the lesson. They may teach you something you have never done.assist you through a difficulty. it is because your turn has come to share. emotionally. to provide you with guidance and support. grow. When people come into your life for a SEASON. love the person/people (anyway). or spiritually. Then. but. 0 Replies = you may need to work on your "people skills" 2 Replies = you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing. Believe it! It is real!.. Sometimes they die. 4 Replies = you have picked your friends well . those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. or learn. their work is done. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Thank you for being a part of my life. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. They may seem like a godsend. Sometimes they walk away.
This defect has been technically termed. The Repair Technician. or violent behaviour [f] Depression or confusion in the mental component [g] Fearfulness [h] Idolatry [i] Rebellion The Manufacturer. is providing factory authorised repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.6 Replies = you are downright popular 8 Replies or More = you are totally awesome (and probably why you're on MY list!) IMPORTANT NOTICE The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is. "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality. Jesus. The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R." or more commonly known as SIN. This is due to a willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve. There is no additional fee required. as it is primarily expressed. resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. Jesus will replace it with: [a] Love [b] Joy [c] Peace [d] Patience [e] Kindness [f] Goodness [g] Faithfulness [h] Gentleness [i] Self-control . Next. Jesus. please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Once connected. due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect. download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician. regardless of make or year. has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. into the heart component. Some other symptoms: [a] Loss of direction [b] Foul vocal emissions [c] Amnesia of origin [d] Lack of peace and joy [e] Selfish.
. exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. He was astonished at what he saw. the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician. for further details on the use of these fixes. Then. the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. A few shovel loads later. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. As an added upgrade. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. to everyone's amazement he quieted down. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises! WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty. DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. and the well needed to be covered up anyway. and the well needed to be covered up anyway. One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. he decided the animal was old. he decided the animal was old. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. he decided the animal was old. One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. the farmer finally looked down the well. and the well needed to be covered up anyway. call on JESUS. Finally. it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. For free emergency service.Please see the operating manual. HOLY BIBLE. it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. At first. Finally. Finally. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. the Holy Ghost. Thank you for your attention.
You have two choices. A few shovel loads later.. I did!! GOD BLESS YOU.. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping.Forgive. Free your mind from worries . As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal. 2. Give more. Expect less from people but more from God. He would shake it off and take a step up. Then..They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. all kinds of dirt.smile and close this page. At first. or pass this along to someone else to share the lesson . He was astonished at what he saw. the donkey was doing something amazing. to everyone's amazement he quieted down. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. 3... he would shake it off and take a step up. Free your heart from hatred .. 4. Live simply and appreciate what you have. the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1..Most never happens. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back. 5. never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up... the farmer finally looked down the well.! Management Course .. Pretty soon. everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! MORAL : Life is going to shovel dirt on you.
'Great. 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower. The nun said.' the husband says. The nun once again said. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. When she opens the door. after a few seconds. there stands Bob. Bob hands her $800 and leaves. the woman drops her towel an d stands naked in front of Bob. 'Father. The priest nearly had an accident. her husband asks. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. forcing her gown to reveal a leg. remember Psalm 129?' . 'Father. the next-door neighbor Before she says a word. But. After controlling the car. Bob says. She got in and crossed her legs. changing gears.' After thinking for a moment. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. he let his hand slide up her leg again. when the doorbell rings. 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time. When she gets to the bathroom.
' the Genie says to the manager.The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. you're up. They rub it and a Genie comes out. driving a speedboat. relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting. 'I'll give each of you just one wish. 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure. Lesson 3: A sales rep. you might miss a great opportunity. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. It said.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. 'I want to be in Hawaii .' Arriving at the convent. On his arrival at the church.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job.' Puff! He's gone. the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. you will find glory. without a care in the world. further up.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. 'I want to be in the Bahamas . an administration clerk. The Genie says.' Puff! She's gone. doing nothing. 'Go forth and seek. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him. 'OK. and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' . why not. the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. The manager says.
So. 'but I haven't got the energy. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top. who shot him out of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer. after eating some more dung.< /B> Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. you must be sitting very. All of a sudden. very high up. and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' r eplied the bull. he reached the second branch. a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.. he began to realize how warm he was.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung. a fox appeared. but it won't keep you there. They're packed with nutrients. . the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey. jumped on the rabbit and ate it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung. the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Finally after a fourth night. The next day.' 'Well. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing. While he was lying there. It was so co ld the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy. I shot thief dead. I am red for interview with you. teaching me is jelos of myself. Geography. I complete to Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997. imagine you were the HR manager of this company and this application was dropped on your desk???? JOB APPLICATION I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. no see she so nobody known to help me. and promptly dug him out and ate him. I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job experience for 2 years. (3) And when you're in deep shit. Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal out with me AK47. My certificate is just sitting home for itself. Mr Phiri. I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish. Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher. I am very hornest and can speak . but passes in Mathematics. My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now. it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Send this to at least five bright. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher. funny people you know and make their day! Hi. and soon began to sing for joy.
Thankless .Jobless Our food .Worthless Our relation . We are becoming lesser by the day Our communication . And rememba that English is not our mother land!! Yours in faith Pasopa Mampara My picture frame I look beautiful Pasopa Mampara 21st Century.Valueless Our follies .Countless Our arguments .Cordless Our cooking . Please also greet your wife.Careless Our feelings .Heartless Our politics .Wireless Our dress .English free.Fatless Our labour .Effortless Our conduct .Shameless Our education .Baseless Our Job .Fireless Our youth ...Topless Our telephone .Loveless Our attitude ..
after a few seconds. . her husband asks. 'Great.' After thinking for a moment. Bob hands her $800 and leaves. When she opens the door. there stands Bob.Very Very less Our emails . 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. the next-door neighbor Before she says a word. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.Our Salary . 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time. the woman drops her towel an d stands naked in front of Bob. Bob says. 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift.' the husband says. you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. when the doorbell rings.useless (especially this one)! Management Course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower. When she gets to the bathroom.
' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job. 'Go forth and seek. They rub it and a Genie comes out. On his arrival at the church.' Arriving at the convent. the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. The nun said.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. The manager says. without a care in the world.She got in and crossed her legs. 'I want to be in the Bahamas . he let his hand slide up her leg again. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'Father. he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. forcing her gown to reveal a leg. an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. you're up. The Genie says.' Puff! She's gone. 'Father. 'OK.' Puff! He's gone. further up. After controlling the car. 'I want to be in Hawaii . you might miss a great opportunity. But. and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 'I'll give each of you just one wish. The priest nearly had an accident. remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. driving a speedboat. the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. It said. an administration clerk. changing gears.' . relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse. Lesson 3: A sales rep. 'I want those two back in the office after lunch. you will find glory. remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. The nun once again said.' the Genie says to the manager.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him. you must be sitting very. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey. he reached the second branch. the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure.' So. The next day.' 'Well. why not. but it won't keep you there. who shot him out of the tree. Lesson 6 . He was promptly spotted by a farmer. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing. All of a sudden. They're packed with nutrients.< /B> Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull.Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. after eating some more dung. why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' r eplied the bull. jumped on the rabbit and ate it. very high up. Finally after a fourth night. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top. doing nothing. and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting.. a fox appeared. 'but I haven't got the energy.
when you don't know sh*t? Jacob Kona There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. While he was lying there. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Send this to at least five bright. thinks about it and says. and promptly dug him out and ate him. (3) And when you're in deep shit. the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung. Let's talk.. I don't know. But let me ask you a question first. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.grass -. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy. A horse. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. he began to realize how warm he was. Why do you suppose that is? The stranger. It was so co ld the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 'That could be an interesting topic. who had just opened her coloring book. I have no idea. said the stranger. and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung. and a deer all eat the same stuff . funny people you know and make their day! Black Girl and a stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said. a cow. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger The little girl. and soon began to sing for joy. "Is there . What would you like to talk about? Oh. Hmmm..A little bird was flying south for the winter. Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama. To which the little girl replies. Since you are a Negro. do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job? and he smiles. Following the sound. a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. Yet a deer excretes little pellets. visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence. OK she said. closed it slowly and said to the stranger. while a cow turns out a flat patty.
" said the young man." and there are those who wake up in the morning and say. because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.. "Only the Ten Commandments. Forgive us our trespasses. The bad news is. There are those who wake up in the morning and say." Answered the lady. "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. who does art in Heaven." When he returned. a family caught up to an Amish carriage.." ======== While driving in Pennsylvania.. The good news is." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. but there were many cars ahead of him. "Good Lord. it's still out there in your pockets. Lord. " ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. It's the same . we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "Lead us not into temptation." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question.. the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Boys and girls." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "I'm so sorry about the delay. "Good morning. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job." The minister chuckled. ======== Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. "You know Our Father. Finally. Caution: Do not step in exhaust. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. it's morning. If I don't park here. I'll miss my appointment. he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. The attendant worked quickly. "Reverend. "I know what you mean.
I noticed that you had to send it through the government. His mother told him to pray to God for it. they opened it and decided to send it to President Kibaki.in my business. A little boy’s agony A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have Kshs. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy. The daughter answered. touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Kshs." ======== A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly. those thieves deducted Kshs. "What do you mean. thy comforter is coming.9. the Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. When the post office received the letter addressed to God." . you'll get your quilt. "Don't be scared. 000. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy (Well it did) The little boy was delighted with the Kshs200 and sat down to write a thank-you letter. Give me the grace to see a joke. He said "Be not afraid. As usual.800.10. "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied. And pass it on to other folk! Amen.200. "I do know!" "Okay. Daddy. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the Kshs. the Mom was perplexed. a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. To get some humor out of life. Lord.10. you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. The President was so impressed. which read as follows. 000. Later in the day." said his father. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth." The young boy replied excitedly.'" ======== Sunday after church." ======== Give me a sense of humor." Needless to say.00 for taxes. "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money.
Now it is 6610' Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense AYUBA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail' AYUBA : I am Proud.. DR: Take this tablet. AYUBA : If I die.. mais après l'application. dans une école. But if I die will u remarry? AYUBA : No. la direction a été confrontée à un problème particulier. So the man asked him why he did so. tonight is final game. I play football every night. elles laissaient une empreinte de leur lèvres sur le miroir. they are Studying him.AYUBA bought a new mobile.. he is not studying. AYUBA: Doctor.' Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?' AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news. I'll also stay with your sister. qui commençaient à utiliser du rouge à lèvres. Oh GOD! U have come again. will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. Has changed. se l'appliquaient dans les toilettes de l'école. pas de problèmes . everybody said. AYUBA : People consider me as a 'god' Wife: How do you know?? AYUBA : When I went to the Park today. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot. all items are missing. Ça c'est de la pédagogie !! Récemment. 'My Mobile No. AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said. Plusieurs filles. Earlier it was Nokia 3310.' How do you recognize AYUBA in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board. Ce dernier se retrouvait donc avec des . Jusque-là. what is he studying? AYUBA: No. coz my son is in Medical college .' AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine' He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment. AYUBA : Can I take it tomorrow. in my dreams. Friend: Really. Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. except the TV in my house. you will be ok.
I was married for two years. you can borrow it cheaper.Don't marry for money. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. la directrice convoqua le concierge et les filles concernées dans les toilettes. Face à cette situation. Elle leur expliqua que les empreintes causaient beaucoup de travail au concierge qui devait nettoyer le miroir tous les soirs. Tous les soirs. after all. les filles embrassaient de nouveau le miroir. elle demanda au concierge de faire une démonstration des difficultés qu'il avait à nettoyer le miroir. et afin de corriger ce problème grandissant. --Sam Kinison ---------------------------------------------------------------------- . --Oscar Wilde ---------------------------------------------------------------------&n! bsp. happiness is not the only thing in life!! --Anonymous --------------------------------------------------------------------Bachelors should be heavily taxed. Celui-ci prit une éponge. Pour démontrer la nuisance que les marques causaient.douzaines de petites empreintes de rouge à lèvres. et le lendemain. le concierge les enlevait. but let your decisions be a product of your own conclusions Every man should get married some time. la trempa dans une des cuvettes des toilettes et nettoya le miroir avec ! Depuis. aucune empreinte de rouge a lèvres n'est réapparue sur le miroir ! Il y a des professeurs et il a y des éducateurs ! let the views of others educate and inform you. --Scottish Proverb ---------------------------------------------------------------------I don't worry about terrorism.
When a ten-year married couple smiles. --Anonymous --------------------------------------------------------------------Bachelors know more about women than married men. they die earlier. Mencken ---------------------------------------------------------------------. for one thing. L.for another thing.Marriage is a three-ring circus: --engagement ring ---wedding ring ---suffering --------------------------------------------------------------------When a newly married couple ! smiles. L. if they didn't. they'd be married too. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. --H. ---------------------------------------------------------------------When a man opens the door of his car for his wife. everyone wonders why." . --------------------------------------------------------------------Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.U2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------.A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. --H. they marry later."A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. Mencken --------------------------------------------------------------------Men have a better time than women. everyone knows why. .
." --Anonymous --------------------------------------------------------------------Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get married.. ------------------------------------------------------------------My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. yelling. but she keeps finding her way back to home always.." --Anonymous --------------------------------------------------------------------- . she shops. "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled. "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her. --Anonymous ---------------------------------------------------------------------I asked my wife. "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said..--------------------------------------------------------------------I take my wife everywhere. --Anonymous ------------------------------------------------------------------She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. --Anonymous --------------------------------------------------------------------She ran after the garbage truck. That was only for the estimate. "How about the kitchen?" --Anonymous -----------------------------------------------------------------We always hold hands. "No. He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs. If I let go. jump in.Then the mud fell off.
The wife decided to make a wish. made a wish and threw in a penny. including her boyfriend. fell into the well. The husband leaned over." One day. "Sir. I don't wish to interfere with your private grief. He was always there for her.. will . "Now that you can see the world. and drowned. too." ---------------------------------------------------------------------A couple came upon a wishing well. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself. someone donated a pair of eyes to her. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! " Illuminated by Blindness By Author Unknown There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor. 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said. but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. But she leaned over too much. When the bandages came off. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating. "If I could only see the world.at least he'll shut up after u let him in! --Anonymous --------------------------------------------------------------------A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. She told her boyfriend. then replied "My wife's first husband. she was able to see everything.. I will marry you. except her loving boyfriend. She hated everyone. He asked her.! . who do you let in first? The Dog of course.
You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. • • • ." You can do it. If you get tired. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. all at the same time. Her boyfriend left in tears and days later had a note sent to her saying. they were mine. you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. my dear. If you aren't sure what you're doing. eat and watch T. Top • • • • • • 10 Reasons Studying is better than Sex You can usually find someone to do it with. for before they were yours. She hadn't expected that. When you open a book.V. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser. A little coffee and you can do it all night. and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. save your place and pick up where you left off. you can stop. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. you can always ask your roommate for help. "Take good care of your eyes.you marry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. Only a very few remember what life was like before." This is often how our human nature works when our status changes. You don't have to put your beer down to do it. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
. Hell to hell is Free. he goes. He'll shut up once you let him in.." =====All the women stood up and started to leave the class in protest of this joke. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? ===When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means.. and whichever way she turns.. but his wife is the neck. it means . • • • • • Young Son: "Dad is it true." A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay.With Idiot For Ever . son. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow." Subject: HUSBANDS Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor.. I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't KNOW his wife until he marries her?" ===Dad: "That happens in every country. who do you let in first? ====The dog. In the beginning of the lecture a college professor said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night. "Husband is one who is the head of the family. Without Information." Why do men die before their wives? ===They want to.Male Chauvinist Humor. • Why do women close their eyes during sex? ===They can't stand to see a man having a good time. of course. What`s 6 inches long.. 2 inches wide and drives women wild? ====A $100 bill. Devil : Nothing." If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door. Fighting Every time! Wife: No darling.
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me. So I could have a new one every day.! . Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.... Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ? Husband: A lovely Push.Wife: I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.
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