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| | | | | | Heathers The Musical Book, Music & Lyrics by Kevin Murphy & Laurence O’Keefe Based on the filma written by Daniel Waters Originally directed Of¢Broudway by Andy Fickman and, choreographed by Marguerite Derricks ‘A SamveL FRENCH ACTING EDITION SAMUEL FRENCH FOUNDED 1830 SAMUELFRENCH.COM. SAMUELFRENCH-LONDON.COUK, The world premiere of HEATHERS THE MUSICAL opened Off Brcadvay fon March 31,2014 at New World Sages. Ie was pretented by Andy Cohen, ‘Andy Fickman, J. Todd Farris, Kevin Murphy, Laurence O'Keefe, Any Yowers, Jamie Bendell, Eruce Bendel, Scot Benson, Scott Prsand in ‘sociation with Big Block Entertainment, Bernard Abrams & Michael Speyer/StageVentures, Kate Leary/Vineyard Point Productions, Bill Prady, Karen J. Lauder, The Hasty Pudding Institute, Evan Todd, RJ Hendricks, and FIPZEE. The executive producer was Denise DiNow in sociation wth Lakeshore Entertainment. This original production was directed by Andy Fickman, with choreography by Marguerite Derrick, fight dizection by Rick Sordelet ‘& Ghsistian KellySordelet, sets by Timothy R. Mackabee, cosmmes by ‘Any Gla, Highting by Json Lyons, hair/wigy/makenp by Leah Louk, sound by Jonny Massena, musical direction by Dominick Amendum, and cating by Sheila Guthrie & Suzanne GoddardSmythe. The Production Stage Manager was Ritchard Druther, asisted by Cassie Apthorpe, ‘Musical arrangements and orchestrations were by Laurence O'kefe & JBen Green. Madeline Myers and Madeline Smith were music and score preparation assistants. Press representation was provided by Vivacty Media Group, with advertsing/marketing by AKA and roanagement ‘by Roy Gabay Productions, Juniper Street Productions, Daniel Kuney, Mandy Tate & Deirdre Murphy. The cat wat a follows: JASON JD DEAN... oe eeseeeerseee [HEATHER CHANDLER. .. [HEATHER MCNAMARA. RAMS DAD/BIC HUD DEAN /COMCH RIPPER MS. FLEMING VERONICA’ MOM... Michelle Dunty KURT'S DAD/VERONICA'S DAD /FRINCIPAL GOWAN. ... Daniel Cooney BELEAGUERED GERK.. . sos++ Dustin Saliva, PREPPY STUD /OFFICER MILNER. AT Meijer HIPSTER DORK/OFFICER MCCORD . - Dan Domenech STONER CHICK... 20 Rachel Fyn, YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE. «2.0.2. Cait Faibanks [NEW WAVE PARTY GIRL/DANGE CAPTAIN... -Chavisa Hogeland SWINGS, ‘Molly Hager, Matthew Schavr “The band was a follows: Condiuctor/Keyboard Dominick Amendum I + Austin Moorhead Steve Gite Greg Joseph «John Dent Steve Lyon. | + Vietora Paterson Randy Cohen "Taylor Wiliams SPECIAL THANKS ‘Whitney Engstrom, Amanda AlpereMuscat, Kristen Gara and the cast, crew, and designers of our various developmental readings and our workshop production in Las Angeles CHARACTERS 2 [VERONICA SAWNER -17, Brn o be Both cool and kind, Bu doesn’ Yet know how tobe both tthe tame me Flere sense of ight and ‘rong, Keen sens of ironic humor. This she's an old soul, ut ‘he'll innocent enough tobe blindside by Love or shocked by cruel, Voie High being required up t Ab Mas ave omar tnd syste ange JASON “}.D.* DEAN = 17, Darl charismatic, compelling, strecive ‘Charming on the ouside, damaged on the inside. Keen smart, savage wit. Voice: Strong, confident belt to at leat am Ab, A referable; wide emodoral ange. HEATHER CHANDLER. 17 ~The riches, hotest, cuclesgit in town elahes power and wild itwthout fear, patience, or mere Voice Strong belt to ¥ oF higher preferred. Meszo for chorus NOTE: In cotin hora rng, CHANDLER cm sch parts withthe other HEATHOS ntl HEATHER MCNAMARA —17. eel innocent, stupid. Can be mean on command i Heather Chandier order i, But actualy quite vulnerable and fearful. Voice: Strong belt to Db, D prefered Soprano for chor. NOTE: In cain orl songs, MCNAMARA and DURE con sich secs nad HEATHER DURE - 17. The whipped beta dog ofthe thre Heathers Deeply insecure, When she final becomes Queen Bee he wills power ikea bulldozer. Voice Stong belt to GD preferred, Alto for chara NOTE cri hrs, DUK and MCNAMARA con ‘leh cal arta ede MARTHA DUNNSTOGK ~ 17, Nicknamed "Martha Dumpiruck" the opposite of confident and popular. Huge and beautifl sul, ‘pti een the face of tejecon. Voie: Song belt to or side vocal exprenion. AM SWEENEY -17, Linebacker Big, isenstve to he fein of others ‘ued by appetite. Voice: Strong baritone, belt G, sme falsete etl: NOTE: I rain smgs, RAM ond KURT can ich choral signe fy RAM sng ile han KURT. KURT KELLY - 17. Quanerback and captin. Chiseed, rude, ented, ‘cocky. H's the bins in the frendahip with Raz. Voice: tenon tern bel ro Ab or A, some Flt. NOTE cranny RAM crud HURT com sich chara sient iy RADE sng higher than [RAMS DAD iG MUD DEAN /COACH RIPPER ~ 400 4. RAMS DADs ‘Former football player turned suburban dad, ha never out _ro%n his high choo! ory days Hats wakes, ba capable of Soulsesrching when tragedy virkes, Also play BIG BUD DEAN: J.D. single dads Big jolly personality that arcly de conceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the surface. Quite ‘poasily a serial bomber. Also plays COACH RIPPER; Stalwart, mass ‘man; quick to defend his players. Voice: baritone tenor - power (Country/Gospet bet to Ab, higher welcome. NOTE: Somat: this ctr has played PRENCTPAL. GOWAN instead of BIG BUD /COACH. (MS, FLEMING /VERONICA'S MOM - 45 to 50, MS. FLEMING: Aging hippie teacher, sl yearning forthe day the Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Resentful of today’s entitled youth, protective of che underdogs. Despite a perichant for self promotion, genuinely cares about the students in her charge. Also plays VERONICA'S MOM: easygoing. distant, yet capable of laying down the lw. Voie: Great belt up to . higher always welcome. KURI DAD/VERONICA'S DAD/PRINCIPAL GOWAN - 90 to 45. KURT'S ‘DAD: Strnightlaced, very conservative, alto former football player. ‘A simple guy, not book smart, you'd be happy to share a beer with hhim, Alo plays VERONICA'S DAD: Easygoing and ditant, Also plaje PRINCIPAL GOWAN: Rummpled, burned out, hates confit. Voice: Strong baritone tenor ~ power Country/Gospel belt to G, even. higher better. NOTE: Somaimas hs actor has played HIG RUD /COACHE ‘nse of PRINCIPAL GOVAN. ROY 1: BELEAGUERED GEEK - 16-18, An embittered social outeast, Voice: baritone (up to F8) or tenor (xp to A). BOY 2: PREFFY STUD - 16-18. Suaightlaced, ambitious, blowdried, Dreams of being even richer than his parents. Voice: bas (up to E) fF battone (upto GA). OY 2: HIPSTER DORK 16-18. Thinks he's Ducky from Pray In Pink, ‘Voice: taritone (up to F) or tenor (up to A). GIRL 1: NEW WAVE GIRL - 16-18, She wants her MTV and dresses accordingly. Voie: elt to at least Gt (a soprano up to high A/B is alto’ pl). GIL 2 STONER CHICK ~ 16-18. Smokes outside with the freaks in ‘between clases. Her future's 20 bright she’s gota wear shades 10 hide her bloodshot eyes. Voice: Belt to at last C# (a soprano upto hgh 4/3 is also a pas). CURL $: YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE ~ 16-18. A tennisplaying. perky Student Council ype. Voice: Belt to at least C# (soprano upto high A/Bis alao a plu). SETTING ‘Sherwood, 2 small suburban town in Ohio. TIME 1989 ‘oncimsrea eat ot Doo 0 aay Pa” pg CAND MILNE, 7. STUDENTS, FACULTY 9 “Re bide Pec LEMING, 7. ~ itl Te Me ide fH 97. ryan 0 CBT see ovuch MoU 08. : DUNT, OMSTAGE GIRS ‘Scene Tn 8a “Ghost eather” 09. "Bie (Reprie)” a. “Blue Reprise) Mays. 10, “Our Love is God”, 1. “Braet” 108, “Prom or Hel? 11. “My Dead Gay Son” Ha, “My Dead Gay Son Play. .. Seene Two sreeeed VERONICA, «RANTS DAD, KURT'S DAD, MOURNERS 12. Soventeen” 12a, “Martha Suspects” 13. "Shine A Light™ 13a. “Shine A Light Playa. 14. “Lyfeboa” Ha, “Shine A Light (Reprve)”. 1S. Dead Gis Waking Rerie)™ Scone Hight Ha. “Bock Schoo", AUTHORS’ NOTE ‘When we decided to apt Hatha fon Une sage, we wanted to create» show that could be mounted jus about anyehere, That meant a simple fet, simple lights. Westerberg High is suggested by litle more than the sound ofa school bell Throughout, we tailored the dialogue to provide ‘he audience with verbal cues to remind them where we ate: “Hiding in a case. 1° “A Nore in the Bile room.” “Drag the rigger bom ou ‘eft f..” ‘We did this 1 we coud afford to pay for seven masicians and nineteen fingers making a big glorious noise. Heathers is an emotional show with a big, beating teenage heart ~ the characters experience feelings 30 ‘decp and wide they can only be expresied in song; Love, lfe and death, Despair forgiveness and reconciliation. These primal themes require ‘musical expression on a large scale. If your production budget can ‘support coo! st ike projections or realistic lockers or an acta ear on stage, by all means have ati. But we arongly suggest you protect your sound 2¢ all costs~we found a great aound designer and equipment Detter investment than superintricae lighting or set design. Suppor the score and your production will succeed. ‘The other big priority for us was the costumes. For the original production, that's what set the time, place and tone. The three Heathers and Veronica were colorcoordinated and fabulous, The sudents and faculty were costumed simply, bat strongly evoked the Oe, Haather audi ‘ences want their MTY, We suggest you give i¢o them. Finally, a word about sincerity (lots, pleasel) and camp (less, please). We think this material i best served by resl emotion and lifeeand-death stakes, rather than mugging and bitchy posing. ‘There are great videos online of briliant drag queens lipsyncing ‘wonderfully to some of Feathay nasties songs. Their miles-minute bump “'grind makes for a hilarious cabaret act. But the full show requires ‘ecognizable human beings, lunging fo sefety and happiness and love like drowning man lunging for a lifeboat. Their extraordinary yet real, hhopes, fears, pressures and crises drive them to extuordinary actions. So we recommend you avoid adding acblibe, inflating performances to ‘anoon size, or inserting extra lines or references from the (admittedly bwitiant) movi, and we applaud when you focus on these characters ‘tying to make poniive fixes in their Ives, ‘Yes, postive. Most villains don’t think they're villains; they rationalize villainous behavior with “its what Thad to to do to fix my problem.” So itis with Heaths You'll get best results when your characters avoid = ‘excessive or gratuitous crucly and negativity and instead play up solutions and hope, And solutiors and hope, by sunning coincidence, are what we discovered when we set out to write Hleathes, and what we |hope your audience will 100. ‘Thanks very much, We are incredibly grateful and honored you're producing our show. Dan Waters had an idea to tll a story about a School 28 cruel at the real world and the kids who try to change i. We Ihave been Tucky to make his story sing, and now you get to join that story. We hope you ind it very big fan. Everybody Wang Chung tonight, ‘Kevin Murphy & Laurence O'Keefe ‘To Nall & Persephone, Nowwon & Garter - you make things beautiful, ACT ONE Scene One (Lunchtime at Westerberg High School. A schoo! corridor ‘opens into an outdoor lunch area with tables and chairs.) (Here and elsewhere, various locations are represented loosely with lighting changes and/or projections, as well 4 the minimal addition and subtraction of essential set Pieces.) (Lights up on VERONICA SAWYER, seventeen, bookish ‘and artsy, Doesn't dress like a popular kid, Ske wears a monocle as she writes in her diary, but talks to the audience.) ‘VERONICA. September 1. 1989. Dear Diary: IMUSIC NO. 1: “BEAUTIFUL") I think I'm a good person. I believe there's good in everyone. But here we are, first day of senior year, (STUDENTS and FACULTY enter) ook a: these kids I've known all my life and wonder: What happened? (VERONICA watches in dismay as the STUDENTS heap insults and abuse on one another) STUDENTS & FACULTY. FREAK! SLUT! BURNOUT BUGEWES! POSER! LARDASS! a5 HRATHERS THE MUSICAL VERONICA, ’ ‘WE WERE SO TINY, [HAPPY AND SHINY, PLAYING TAG AND GETING CHASED. STUDENTS & FACULTY. FREAK! SLUT! LOSER! SHORT BUS: ‘VERONICA, ‘SINGING AND CLAPPING, LAUGHING AND NAPING. [BAKING COOKIES, FATING PASTE. [STUDENTS & FACULTY. BULL DYKE! STUGKUP! MUNGMBAGK! VERONICA, ‘THIEN WE GOT BIGGER "THAT WAS THE TRIGGER LIKE THE HUNS INVADING ROME.— (A couple of STUDENTS push past VERONICA, nearly knocking her over. She's not at fault, but apologizes array.) Sorry. ‘WELCOME TO MY SCHOO! ‘THIS AIN'TNO HIGH SCHOOL; ‘THIS IS THE THUNDERDOME, HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT THE DAYS, WE'RE GRADUATING SOON, STUDENTS & FACULTY. WHITE TRASH ‘VERONICA, ‘COLLEGE WILLE PARADISE IP'M NOT DEAD BY JUNE (Lights change as all but VERONICA move in slow motion.) BUT LKNOW, [KNOW, LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, MEATHERS THE MUSrCAL TTPRAYT PRAY FORA BETTER WAY TF WE CHANGED BACK THEN, ‘WE COULD CHANGE AGAIN. ‘WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. (Normal motion resumes, A PREPPY STUD shoves a HIPSTER DORK wearing «tragically un-hip fadora. The HIPSTER stumbles and fall.) HIPSTER. Ow! ‘VERONICA. .JUST NOT TODAY. (VERONICA goss to the HIPSTER, offers to help him up.) ‘You okay? HIPSTER, Get away, nerd! (VERONICA sighs and gts in Ens for lunch.) STUDENTS & FACULTY. REAR! SLUT CRIPPLE! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO: VERONICA. ‘THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOON AS MY LETTER (COMES FROM HARVARD, DUKE, OR BROWN, ‘WAKE FROM THIS COMA, “TAKE MY DIPLOMA, ‘THEN I CAN BLOW THIS TOWN, DREAM OF 1WYOOVERED WALLS AND SMOKY FRENCH CAFES. (FERONICA is now on the radar of linebacker RAM SWEENEY who wears a llterman's jacket.) RAM. (to teammate) Watch this... VERONICA. FIGHT THE URGE TO STRIKE A MATCH AND SEI THIS DUMP ABLAZE! (RAM pends VERONICA’ Lench tray.) RAM, Ooooops. ” oy HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (EVERYONE freezes but VERONICA.) VERONICA. (to audience) Ram Sweeney. Third year as incbacker. And cighth year of smacking funch trays and being a huge dick, (Normal motion resumes.) RAM. (He heard her last tuo words.) What did you say to me, skank? VERONICA. ... Nothing. (RAM gives VERONICA an “T got my eye on you" hand ‘gesture and struts off, passing a STONER CHICK and a YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE.) ‘VERONICA. HIPSTER, PREPPY, REPURLICANETTE RAM, Se STONER, i BUT KNOW, 1xNoW, } KNOW. TRNOW... TRNOW., LIFE CAN BE i BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL, } TPR. PRAY, ) TPRAY.. PRAY, PRAY, ! FORAMETTER —FORABETTER —_FORADETTER way, way, ay, WEWEREKIND 00... 00. BEFORE, WE CAN BE KIND ONCE MORE; WE-CAN BE 00... 00. BEAUTIFUL... BEAUTIFUL... BEAUTIFUL... (MARTHA walks up behind VERONICA, startling her.) VERONICA. (momentarily freaked) Aaaagh! HEY MARTHA. MARTHA. Hey. (EVERYONE. freezes bul VERONICA. Meet MARTHA DUNNSTOCK. Overweight, awkward, idiosyncratic ‘dass. In the postmillenial era, she might have been a HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 19 Aip fangirl. But in this era, in this context, she’s merely «2 magnet for abuse. MARTHA helps VERONICA pick up Ie bunch tray) VERONICA, Martha Dunnstock. My best fiend since diapers. She's gota huge heart. Round here, that’ not enough. (Normal motion resumes.) ‘Thanks. (MARTHA. We on for movie night? VERONICA. You're on Jilly Pop detail MARTHA. I rented The Princess Bride VERONICA. Again? Don't you have it memorized by now? MARTHA. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending. KORT. Martha Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk! (KURT KELLY, star quarierback, alphamals, enters, RAM on his els. KURT knocks the tray from MARTHA’ ‘hands, EVERYONE but VERONICA freezes.) ‘VERONICA. Kurt Kelly. Quarterback He is the smartest guy on. the football team. Which is kind of fike being the tallest, dwarf. (Normal motion resumes.) (furious, to KURT) Hey! Fick that up right now! KURT, I'm sorry, are you actually taking to me? (RAM steps up, a loyal winginan backing up the bos.) RAM, My buddy Kurt asked you a question. (I's tense. STUDENTS observe, grateful this isn’t happening to them. VERONICA takes a deep breath and £065 on the offense, turning to KURT.) VERONICA. What gives you the right to pick on my friend? Look at you, you're a high school has-been waiting to ‘happen. A future gasstation attendant, (xxer smiles coldly. Points to er chin.) KURT. You got a zt right there. ' 20 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL MEATHERS THE MUSICAL 2 VERONICA touches her chin, selfcomscious. EVERYONE ‘VERONICA. ‘STUDENTS & FACULTY. laughs. KURT shoves VERONICA who stumbles back, “Heather McNamara. Head THATE \ offbalance. MARTHA catches VERONICA, keeping her “hoerlnder, Her dais HEATHER, Siena from falling om her ass. VERONICA pulls away loaded —he sells engagement HEATHER... ! ‘fom MARIA, humiliated and angry.) sings. AND HEATHER! i VERONICA. (Lights on HEATHER DUKE, the whipped beto-dog ofthe j i Dear Diary... wuex. trio, insecure and eager for approval.) | [BELEAGUERED Gt we. ‘WHY DO THEY HATE. ME? Heather Duke. Runs the 1WANT | [REPURLICANETTE. yearbook. No discernible ‘HEATHER, 4 | WHY DONT I FIGHT BACK? personality, bit her mom did HEATHER... “ mor xesuoia pay for implants, AND HEATHER? | DOLACT creer wan, anrea, (Lights on WRAIIER CHANDIER, the ruthtos, brutal ‘WAY WON'T HE DATE MEP queen bee.) ‘HIPSTER, (holding his fedora, newly And Heather Chandler, ‘INEED disenchanted) i HATER, ‘WHY DID I WEAR THIS? ‘The Almighty te ‘STONER, PREPPY, MS, FLEMING. HER. ‘WHY DO I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP? VERONICA. She isa mythie bitch, wan, Se TACULY. (The HEATHERS sit at their designated lunch table.) . ‘SOMEBODY FIX ME! ‘They are solid Teflon — never bothered, never harassed. SOMEBODY SAVE ME! I would give anything to be like that. ‘SEND ME ASIGN, GOD! HIPSTER, STUDENTS fe FACULTY. (GIVE ME SOME HOPE HERE i . SOMETHING 10 LIVE oR: Td like to be their boyfriend. 2 einer MUSIC NO. 1A: “BEAUTIFUL (PART 2)"1 REAUTIUL. (Lights change. The KIDS form an adoring tableau | STONER. ' tr he ann imate Laon wage ono [fT sat at their able, guys would MAL. f ‘unhurried, confident, magic.) notice me. SO BEAUTFUT. 7 MARTHA. ‘STUDENTS fe FACULTY. | F'dllike them to be nicer. 00. AH... HEATHER. HEATHER, AND HEATHER! ! UD BE wamonica Then hr th Heats Ty oat abv ital Tmarwoutsemammm, ——-MaTwoUs i STUDENTS & FACULTY. cm. LOVE TIEATHER, HEATHER... AND HEATHER! Ta like to kidnap a Heather 00, (Lights on HEATHER MCNAMARA, a cheerleader, not and photograph her naked in righ, but very pratt.) ‘an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats! 2 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (The bel ings. VERONICA enters the girl's bathroom.) (CHANDLER and MCNAMARA apply makeup in the ‘mirror as DUKE vomits into a tilt.) CHANDLER. Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is s0 "87. DUKE. (woeey) Heather, [need a mint (MCNAMARA extracts a roll of beath minis from her prurse and hands it o DURE.) MCNAMARA. What you need, Heather, is to see a doctor DUKE. hate my doctor, He smell lie Drakkar Noir. (This unpleasant memory apparently makes DUKE queasy, She turns back tothe toilet. MS. FLEMING: enters, 40s, exhippie, eccentrically dressed.) FLEMING. Ab, Heather and Heather. (DURE vomits.) ‘And Heather, Perhaps you didn’'thear the bell overall the vomiting. You're late for class. (VERONICA pops in her momocle and scribbles on a piece of paper.) CHANDLER, Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her. FLEMING. Not without a hall pass you're not. A week's detention. ‘VERONICA. Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee. (VERONICA hands FLEMING @ pass. FLEMING sourly ‘examines the pass as the HEATHERS exchange puzcled looks.) FLEMING. I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going. (She exits. CHANDLER grabs the pass from VERONICA and studies it.) ‘GHANDLER. This is an excellent forgery. Who are you? (VERONICA cheerfully extends her hand. CHANDLER ‘ignores the gesture) vmearuens rae austcat a — VERONICA. Veronica Sawyer. [crave a boon, (HANDLER. What boon? ‘VERONICA. Let me sit at your table at hunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think you guys tolerate me, they'll leave me alone. (CHANDLER Laughs, tickled by VERONICA’: boldness.) Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission | slips, and absence notes. | DUKE. How about prescriptions? (CHANDLER, Shut up, Heather, DUKE, Sorry, Heather, (CHANDLER brushes back VERONICA's hair and inspects her face.) GHANDLER. Hmm. For a greayy litle nobody, you do have ‘good bone structure. MCNAMARA. And a symmetrical face. II took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, 'd have matching halves. That's very important. DUKE. Of course, you could stand to lose — (DUKE throws up a litle bitin her mouth and swallows.) ~2 few pounds. CHANDLER, AND YA RNOW, VA KNOW, YA KNOW? | (tipping VERONICA’s chin) ‘THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL, MASCARA, MAYBE SOME LIP GLOSS... AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY. GET THIS GIRL. SOME BLUSH AND HEATHER, NEED YOUR BRUSH, LET'S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL... UE, LEYS MARE HER BEAUTIFUL. MCNAMARA. LET'S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL... HEATHERS THE WUSICAI. ‘CHANDLER, u MAKE TIER BRAITTTEUT Okay? VERONICA. Okay! (The HEATHERS exit with VERONICA.) (Another day, another lunch. KURT and RAM enter and push aside the GEER.) KURT. OUT OF MY WAY. GREK! ‘GEEK, IDONT WANT TROUBLE RAM, YOU'RE GONNA DIEAT SPM! (RAM shoves GEEK info REPUBLICANETTE and a NEW ‘WATE GIRL.) [REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE. DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! GFT AWAY, PERVERT! GEEK. (bowildered and scared) \WHAT'D [EVER DO TO THEN? STUDENTS & FACULTY. ‘WHO COULD SURVIVE THIS? TCANT'ESGAPE THIS! THINK TM DNING! FLEMING. (ses someone offstage) ‘WHO'S THAT WITT! HEATHER? (The HEATHERS enter again, but this time there's someone with them...) ALL, Whoa! ‘STUDENTS & FACULTY, HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER... NEW WAVE. AND... SOMEONE! STUDENTS & FACULTY. HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER... HEATHERS THE MUSICAL FLEMING, PRINCIPAL GOWAN, COAGH RIPPER. AND ABABEI [STUDENTS & FACULTY. ‘HEATHER, HEATHER HEATHER, MARTHA. (recognising her) Veronica? STUDENTS & FACULTY, ‘VERONICA? VERONICAL VERONICAIT (The WEATHERS part, revealing their fourth is VERONICA, who's been given a rockstar-worthy makeover — she's smoking hot.) ‘VERONICA. STUDENTS & FACULTY. AND YA KNOW, ow YARNOW, YA KNOW... FE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. ‘A BEAUTIFULL YOU HOPE, YOU DREAM, OH YOU PRAY, An ANDYOU GET YOUR WAM ASK ME HOW 17 FEELS BEAUTIFUL! LOOKING LIKE co! HELL ON WHELLS... On AHI MY GOD, I'S BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL IMIGHT BE BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFULL AND WHEN YOURE Aut BEAUTIFUL... {'SA BEAUTIFUL FRICKIN’ DAY ‘HEATHER! HEATHER! RATHER! ‘VERONICA Het HEATHER! HEATHER! HEATHER! ‘VERONICA VERONICA, ‘VERONICA! VERONICAL VERONICA! (Song ends. Blackout.) 26 [MEATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene'Two + IMUSIC NO. 18: “T1°S BEEN THREE WEEKS} (School. Another day, another lunchtime, VERONICA ‘writes in her diary, monocle in place) ‘VERONICA. Dear Diary: It's been three weeks since I became friends with the Heathers. (roses something out) “Friends” isn’t the right word, exactly Its more like the Heathers are people I work with and our job is being popular and shit. (The bell rings. Lights change. MARTHA enters. There's a whiff of tension between the tao friends.) ‘MARTHA. Hey, Veronica, ‘VERONICA. Hey, MARTHA. You really look beautiful these days, ‘VERONICA. Yeah, well, it’s sil the same me underneath. MARTHA. Are you sure? ‘VERONICA. Look, I'm sorry I flaked on movie night last week. Tve had a lot going on. MARTHA. I get that. You're with the Heathers now. Ifs exciting. ‘VERONICA. It's whatever. But we'll hang soon, I promise. (DUKE arrives, interrupting.) DUKE. Veronica! Heather says to haul ass to the caf, pronto, ‘VERONICA. How very. (VERONICA and DUKE cross the school yar. They pass 4 figure leaning against the wall.) (Meet JASON DEAN, aha. “J.D.,” a moody suburban rebel, He’ reading a copy of Baudelaire's Flowers of evil) (VERONICA and DURE approach the Heather table CHANDLER waits impatiently with MCNAMARA.) HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (CHANDLER. Veronica, I need a forgery in Ram Sweeney's handwriting. You'll need something to write on. Heather bend over (DUKE Bends over to allow VERONICA to write on her Back. I's degrading, but she's used to it. VERONICA ops in a monocle and unites as CHANDLER dictates.) “Hi, Honey ~ I've been watching you.., and thinking about us in the old days. I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend. Imiss you... Ramm.” Put an "XO" after the signature. VERONICA. What's this for anyway? CHANDLER. You remember how Ram used to hang with Martha Dumptruck? ‘VERONICA. Well yeah, in kindergarten. We al did. DUKE. We all didn't kiss on the kickball eld, MCNAMARA. (suddenly excited) Oh my God, that’s right! torally forgot. Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck. (delighted glee) twas disgusting! (CHANDLER takes the note) (CHANDLER, Perfect. (URE and RAM enter, CHANDLER flags theme dau.) Ram, c’mere! [RAM. Whadidaya think Heather wants? KURT. I bet she wants you to set her on your johnson and spin her around like a goddamn pinwheel! RAM. Hell, yeah, Punch itin. (RAM and KURT “punch it in” by bumping fits sa ‘hing with tem. CHANDLER hands RAM the note) CHANDLER. Be a sweetie and give this note to Martha Dumptruck for me. ‘VERONICA. What? No! RAM. Since when do you talk to that lardas? (RAM starts to unfold the note, CHANDLER stops him.) 2 | WEATHERS THE MUSICAL ‘CHANDLER. Don't read it. She’s having extracheavy flow and wanted some advice from my gyno. RAM. Ugh! (VERONICA yanks the note from RAM’s hands. Instantly, she's surrounded by HEATHERS.) VERONICA. Martha's had.a thing for Ram for like twelve years, ‘now, this wil kil her, C'mon, Heather. You're bigger than, this, IMUSIC NO. 2: “CANDY STORE”) caannter ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM? YOU GOT A BONE TO PICK? YOUVE COME SO FAR; \WHYNOW ARE YOU PULLING ON MY DIGR? TD NORMALLY SLAP YOUR FACE OF, ‘AND EVERYONE ERE COULD WATCH, ‘BUT 'M FEELING NICE HERE'S SOME ADVICE. LISTEN UR, BYATCH: (Phe MEATTIERS advance un VERONICA, smiling in Light formation like Satan's favorite gil group. Three GIRLS sing along with the HEATHERS but should be ‘removed from the action onstage.) CHANDLER. DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. TLIKE, LIKE! LOOKING HOT. DBUVING STU THEY CAN NOT. TURE DRINKING HARD, \MAXING DAD'S CREDIT CARD. TUKE ‘SKIPPING GYM. ‘SCARING HER, SCREWING HM, TLE, KILLER CLOTHES. KIGKING NERDS IN THE NOSE! ruKet TuKey 1UKE! KICKING NERDS IN ‘THE ‘NOSE HEATHERS THE MUSICAL CHANDLER. (cont) IFYOU LACK THE BALLS, YOU CAN GO PLAY DOLLS; LET YOUR MOMMY FIX YOU A ‘SNACK, ‘ORYOU COULD COME SMOKE, POUND SOME RUM AND CORR, INMY PORSCHE WITH THE. (QUARTERBACK! (CHANDLER, DURE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE! ‘TIME FORYOU TD PROVE, YOU'RENOT A LOSER ANYMORE. ‘THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE. GUYS FALL, DURE & MCNAMARA. ATYOUR FEET. DURE. PAY THE CHECK! MCNAMARA. HELP YOU CHEAT! (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRIS. ALLYOU DUKE, HAVE To DO? (CHANDLER. ‘SAY GOODBYE TO SHAMU. (GHANDLER, DUTKR, MCNAMARA, GIS, ‘THAT FREAR'S MCNAMARA. NOTYOUR FRIEND. CAN TRI, INTHE END, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GRUS, WHOA, WHOA OF WHOA! OH WHOA! (OH WHOA! - | [WEATHERS THR MUSICAL (GIANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, resi UKE, HAD YOUR SHOT, (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. ‘SHE WOULD LEAVE YOU TO RO! MCNAMARA, "COURSE, IF YOU DONT CARE, TINE, GO BRAID HER HAR. MAYBE SESAME STREETS ON, (CHANDLER, DUKE, GIRLS. WHOA, WHOA! (CHANDLER sneaks the forged lone note aniny from the distracted VERONICA. She passes ito DUKE.) MCNAMARA, OR FORGET THAT CREER, DURE. AND GET IN MY JER, (CHANDLER. LET'S GO"TEAR UP SOMEONE'S LAWN! DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. ‘OH WHOA! OF WHOA! O# WHTOAL (As the HEATHERS pass MARTHA, DUKE slips the note ‘nto her lunch tray.) (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? ‘WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE! ‘YOU JUST GOTTA PROVE YOU'RE NOT A PUSSY ANYMORE, ‘THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE! (MARTHA opens the note and reads it.) CHANDLER. YOU CAN JOINTHE TEAM... DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, ORYOU CAN BITCH AND MOAN, MUSICAL 3 (CHANDLER, ‘YOU GAN LIVE THE DREAM... DURE, MGNAMARA, GIRLS. ‘ORYOU GAN DIE ALONE, (CHANDLER. DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS, ‘YOU GAN FLY WITH EAGLES, ‘OKIE YOU FREFEK, ORIFYOU PREFER, [KEEP ON TESTING ME AND END UP LIKE HER! AND END UP LIKE HER! (MARTHA hurries up, waving the forged “note from Ran") MARTHA. Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming ‘party! See? I told you there was dill aomething there. This proves he’s been thinking about mel (VERONICA glances over af the HEATHERS. CHANDLER _gives VERONICA a “Who's it going to be?” look.) ‘VERONICA. (guilty) ...Color me stoked. ‘MARTHA. I'm 50 happy. (MARTHA exits. Now it’s DUKE’s turn to solo she ‘wails, making the most of her moment...) DUKE, (wailing vocal ad bib) GIRS. OH, OH, OH, OH OH! ‘WHOA, WHOA HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITIN FOR! (CHANDLER shoves DUKE out ofthe way. There's onfy 00m for one star her.) (CHANDLER, (DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRS. Shut up, Heather. (waiting vocal ad lib) STEP INTO MY CANDAAAY STORE! ‘wioa! ‘TIMEFOR YOUTO PROVE WHOA..1 YOU'RE NOT ALAMEASS ANYMORE... Ce Fa HVATHERS THR MUSICAL (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. ‘THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE! TTS Mi CANDY STORE. I'S MY CANDN.,. [TTS MY CANDY STORE! IT'S MY CANDY... TTS MY CANDY STORE! IT'S MY CANDYSTO... ORE (Song ends. The WEATHERS strut off. VERONICA starts tocxit, passing J.D. He speaks to VERONICA without Tocking tp from his oak.) J.D. You shouldn't have bowed down to the Swatch-dogs and Diet-Cokcheads. They're gonna crush that git ‘VERONICA, I'm sory, what? ED. You've clearly got a soul. You just need to work harder ‘keeping it lean. We are all born marked for evi. GD. shuts his book and walks away.) VERONICA. Okay, don’t quote Baudelaire at me and walk away, excuse me? Didn’t catch your name. JD. [didn't throw it GD. continues moving off. VERONICA smiles, intrigued despite herself.) (SURT and RAM have been watching J.D.’s exchange ‘wits VERONICA.) KURT. Who does that guy in the jacket think he is anyways, Bo Diddley? -RAM. Veronica's into his act, no doubt. KURT. Let's kick his ass. RAM. We're seniors, man, Too old for that shit. (BURT approaches .D. anyway. RAM dutifully follows) KURT. Hey, sweetheart. What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio? (8A0e gets in .0.'s face.) RAM. My buddy Kurt just asked you a question. KURT. Hey Ram, doesn’t this cafeteria have a “no fags allowed” rule? HEATHERS THE MUSICAL |1.. They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes though. KURT. (infieriated by the insult) Hold his arms! [MUSIC NO. 3: “FIGHT FOR ME*} (RURT takes a swing at }.D., who dodges and manages to slip loase from RAM.) (Lunch tray in hand, with a onetuo slam, 51D. decks [KURT in the face, then RAM, As the STUDENTS and FACULTY react to the violense, TIME SLOWS. Everyone except VERONICA is now moving in SLOW MOTION.) cms. HOLY SHITI cus. HOLYSHT cms, HOLYSHITY cus. HOLY SHTT mus. ory sin ALL. wWoLysuit: HOLYSHITY nowsurnt HOLY SHIT! (The fight freezes in mid-punch. Time has stopped for ‘everjne eatzfh VERONICA.) VERONICA. WHY, WHTEN YOU SEE BOYS ROUT, DOES IT LOOK SO HORRIBLY, YET... FEEL $0 RIGHT? ISHOULDN'T WATCH THIS CRAP; THAT'S NOT WHO TAM. BUTWITH THIS KID... DAAAAAMN. 38 ] ” mnaratens Tax wostcat | wexennas ree wostent * / ‘VERONICA, STUDENTS & FACULTY. (WANNA FIGHT FOR ME? HOLY Sarr. HE, IFYOU'RE STILL ALIVE.. WOLYSHTr.. ‘MISTER NONAME KID, | IWOULDFIGHT FOR YOU... HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT... ‘80 WhO MiGHT YOU Br | wouwoumer AND COULD YOU FIGHT FOR ME? FORME. HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! AND HEX, HOLY SHIT: HOLY SHTT COULD YOU FAGE THE cROWD? , . COULD YOU BE SEEN WITH ME. (Song ends. The fight is over. J.D. wins! Blackout.) AND STILL ACT PROUD EL WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND? AND COULD YOU CARRY ME ‘THROUGH NOMAN'SLAND? IT'S FINE IF YOU DON'T AGREE, BUTI WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU... YOU WOULD FIGHT FORME. YERRUNICA, STUDENTS & FACULTY. LET THEM DRIVE US AETHIGL. UNDERGROUND. ANTE DON'T GARE HOW FAR. AHHH. YOU CAN SET MY BROKEN BONES, AHHH. AND [KNOW CPR, ABHE, (The fight resumes in slow motion, VERONICA examines JED. as his fist makes sloarmo contact with RAM’s chin.) ‘VERONICA. STUDENTS & FACULTY. WELL... WHOA! ‘YOU CAN PUNGH REAL GOOD. ‘YOU'VELASTED LONGER a ‘THAN THOUGHT You WoULn. 50 HEY MISTER NO-NAME KID, [IF SOME NIGHT YOURE FREE... AnH, AHH, ATE. (Tha slow motion fight continues. BD. kicks serious ass, head butting RAM thre times.) ‘VERONICA. (cont,) d (She walks around the immobile .D., fascinated.) | 36 AEATHERS THE MrstcaL Scene Three * IMUSIC NO, 34: “TRANSITION TO CROQUET”) (VERONICA crosses as lights come up on her backyard, Simple suburban, perhaps the lower end of the middle class spectrum, Ther’s a little garden table where Veronica’s MOM and DAD sit. MOM applies spread fo a snack cracker, BAD reads a spy novel.) (The three HEATHERS nd VERONICA play croquet.) CHANDLER, God, Veronica, drool much? You were totally throwing your panties at that new kid. (The other WEATHERS laugh.) (CHANDLER, And from the look of your house, you can't afford replacement panties. (More laughter) ‘VERONICA. C'mon, I don’t even know his name. (CHANDLER hits VERONICA's ball off the field in the direction of VERONICA‘ DAD and MOM.) ‘VERONICA. Mom, Dad! Look out! (MOM picks up the ball. CHANDLER crosses to retrieve it) MOM. Here you go, girls. Care for some paté? (CHANDLER inspects the cracker, suspicious.) GHANDLER. This isn't paté. Ie’sliverwurst. MOM. (Polite) I'm aware of that, Heather. I's a family joke. ‘CHANDLER. Oh. Funny. (VERONICA hurries coer for damage control. CHANDLER ‘Puts the cracher to her lips for a micro-bite.) (DAD speaks out loud, not looking up from his book) PAD. Dammit, will somebody please tell me why I read. these spy novels? HEATHERS THE MUSICAL ” (VERONICA is acutely aware of the judgement in (CHANDLER 's es.) VERONICA. ‘Cuz you're an idiot, Dad. (DAD looks up forthe frst time...) AD. Oh yeah, that’s it. (...and back tothe book.) ‘MOM. You two. So girls. Any plans for tonight? VERONICA. Big homecoming party at Ram Sweency's house. I'm catching a ride with Heather, (CHANDLER taps her Swatch.) (CHANDLER. Speaking of which... VERONICA. Right. Great pité, Mom, but we have to motor if we want to be ready for that party. (CHANDLER flops the croquet ball into the “‘pate™..) (CHANDLER. ops. (cand walks anay.) (The other two HEATHERS follow because that's their feb.) (VERONICA cringes, embarrassed by her friend's bad behavior. MOM takes her arm.) MOM. Don't Iet these popular girls change you. ‘VERONICA. I need them, ‘MOM. For what? You have other friends. You have Martha. ‘VERONICA. Maybe I want more out of life than liverwarst. (VERONICA pulls her arm free and walks azoay. DAD speaks without looking up from his book.) DAD. Those girls seem really nice. (MOM shoots him an incredulous look. The HEATHERS ‘ss the stage, covering the scene change.) IMUSIC NO. 3B: “CANDY STORE PLAYOFF] FEATHERS THE Mustcar. (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, GIRLS. + ‘SO STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE T'S MY GANDY STORE. IT'S MY CANDY... T'S MY CANDY STORE! IT'S MY CANDY... T'S MY GANDY STORE! ITS MY CANDYSTO.. ORE! HEATHERS TRE MUSICAL ‘Scene Four (A convenience store counter with candy, snacks, frozen drink dispenser el.) (A car horn blares, CHANDLER bellows from offstage.) CHANDLER. (offitage) Veronica! Don’t forget to buy Com ‘Nuts! It’s not a party without Corn Nuts! (VERONICA rounds the corner, yelling back over her shoulder.) VERONICA. Yes, Heather! Plain or BQ? GANDER, (offstage) BQY!!! (VERONICA picks out a bag of Com Nuts. 1.0. walks up.) |). Greetings and salutations. You want a Shurpee with that? ‘VERONICA. No, but if you're nice I'll let you buy me a Big Gulp. J.D. That's like going to Mickey D’s to order a salad. Slurpee's the signature dish of the house. Did you say ‘cherry or lime? ‘VERONICA. said Big Gulp. I'm Veronica Sawyer, by the way. You ever gonna tell me your name? 4D. Tl end the suspense. Jason Dean. J.D. for short. ‘VERONICA. §0, ‘J-D.” ‘That thing you pulled in the caf was pretty severe. J. The extreme always seems to make an impression. VERONICA. What brings a Baudelaire-quoting bad-ass like ‘you to Sherwood, Ohio? ‘ID. My dad’ work, He owns a de-construction company. ‘VERONICA. “De-construction?" JD. The old man seems to enjoy tearing things down. ‘Seen the commercial? “I'm Big Bud Dean. Ifit's in the ‘way, P'll make your day...” ‘VERONICA. Right, then he pushes the plunger and the screen blows up. That's your dad? MEATHERS THE MUSICAL J. Inall his toxic glory. ’ ‘VERONICA. Well, everyone's life has got static. (The horn outside beeps.) CHANDLER. (offtage) Veronical! ‘VERONICA. Example. I don't really like my friends. J. I don’t like your friends either. Bag the party. Hang here. IMUSIC NO. 4: “FREEZE YOUR BRAIN"] ‘VERONICA. At the 7-Eleven? Swanky first date. JD. Hey, Love this place. ‘VERONICA. No offense, but why? Je. IVE BEEN THROUGH TEN HIGH SCHOOLS. ‘THEY START'TO GET BLURRY, NO POINT PLANTING ROOTS, "CAUSE YOU'RE GONE IN A HURRY. MY DAD KEEPS TWO SUITCASES PACKED IN THE DEN, 80 IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF WHEN. TDONT LEARN THE NAMES, DON'T BOTHER WITH FACES, ALL LAN TRUST IS THIS CONCRETE OASIS. SEEMS EVERY TIME TM ABOUT TO DESPAIR, ‘THERE'S A 7ELEVEN RIGHT THERE, ‘EACH STORE IS THE SAME, FROM LAS VEGAS TO BOSTOX, LINOLEUM AISLES THAT ILOVE TO GET LOSTIN, PRAY AT MY ALTAR OF SLUSH, YEAH, ILIVE FOR THAT SWEET FROZEN RUSH... GD. takes a hit of his Slurpee. He grimaces from the “brain-freee.” It's pain and pleasure, curiously entwined.) FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, SUCK ON THAT STRAW, GET LOST IN THE PAIN. HAPPINESS COMES | } MBATHERS THE MUSICAL WHEN EVRYTHING NUMBS. |WHO NEEDS COGAINE? FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. (1D. offers the Skurpee to VERONICA.) J. Care for a hit? ‘VERONICA. Does your mommy know you eat all this crap? ‘JD. Not anymore, (VERONICA winces, Reminding a hot guy of a dead rare is a first date nono.) (WHEN MOM WAS ALIVE (WE LIVED HALFWAY NORMAL. BUT NOW IS JUST Mi AND MY DAD. (WERE LESS FORMAL. |ILEARNED TO COOK PASTA, LEARNED TO PAY RENT. LEARNED THE WORLD DOESN'T OWE YOU A CENT. ‘YOU'RE PLANNING YOUR FUTURE, ‘VERONICA SAWYER. YOU'LL GO TO SOME COLLEGE, "THEN MARRY A LAWYER. BUT THESKY’S GONNA HURT WHEN IT FALLS, ‘SO YOU'D BETTER START BUILDING SOME WALLS... FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. ‘SWIM IN THE 102, GEL LOST IN THE PAIN. SHUT YOUR EYES TIGHT, ‘TILL YOU VANISH FROM SIGHT, LET NOTHING EEMAIN.., FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, SHATTER YOURSEULL, FIGHT PAIN WITH MORE PAIN, FORGET WHO YOU ARE, LUNBURDEN YOUR LOAD, FORGET IN SIX WEEKS ‘YOU'LL BE BACK ON THE ROAD. an MEAvHLERS THE MUSICAL | WHEN THE VOICE INYOURHEAD — » ‘SAYS YOU'RE BETTER OFF DEAD, DONT OPEN A VEIN... {JUST FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. GO ON AND FREEZE YOUR BRAIN... Tryit (Song ends. VERONICA takes «long sip.) i VERONICA. I don’t see what the big dece - AHAHA. HAHAAAGHI (laughing from “brain freee”) Son of a bitch! (They both crack wp. CRANDLER enters.) (CHANDLER, Veronica! i VERONICA, I gotta go. JD. So see. (HANDLER. Corn Nuts? j VERONICA Yes, Heather. CHANDLER. Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here and let’s motor. (CHANDLER sits with VERONICA, JD. exits, humming) (MUSIC NO. 44: “TRANSITION TO PARTY") HEATHERS THE MUSICAL a Scene Five (Ran’s House. Suburban, affluent. Lights up on KURT ‘and RAM getting lectured by thetr two DADS. Both men are rugged -ocks, dressed for a fishing tip.) RAM'S DAD, Okay, Ram. Have fun tonight, but I expect you to act your age. The Henshaws have the phone number for the cabin. If they call to complain, I'm ‘gonna drive back here and knock the sand out of your vagina. Ram Dude! What am I, five? RAMS DAD. I'm your dad, not your dude, KURTSDAD. That goes double for you, Kurt. You're a guest in Bil’s house and you will treat it with respect. KURT. (smirking) Sure thing. Dude. (RAM cracks up laughing. KURT’S DAD takes the ‘chalenge in stride, smiling. Then to RAMS DAD:) URS DAD, Hold his arms. (RANTS DAD grabs KURT's arms. RURI'S DAD frts his son in a eadtock, laughing.) KURT DAD. URL ‘Who's a great big sissy? Hey, come ont This Who's going to prom ina isn’t funny! Ow! Okay, bright pink dress? Who’s 2 me! sissy? KURT. I'm a sisy. I'm a big fat sissy (The DADS release KURT.) KURTS DAD, Damn right. Enjoy your party, son, RAMS DAD. Punch it in. (The DADS punch it in and exit. As RAM'S DAD passes ‘his own som, he feints as if to ranch him, then pulls back. Pye!) (Once the DADS are gone...) KURT. Man, that sucked. / RAM. Who cares? The parents are gone and I ippewent ‘got my party i IMUSIC NO. 5: “BIG FUN"] (Lights change. We're in Ram's back yard. You've seen this particular party in every John Hughes movie. Its 4 celebration of the Westerberg Rottweilers’ homecoming victory.) (TEEN PARTY GUESIS enter and dance. Note: This is 4@ party for poprular kids only, PREPPY is specifcialy scripted here, as is STONER [probably invited because she carves weed.) The rest of the PARIY GUESTS should be other members ofthe ensemble recostumed as different, cooler characters.) AM, DAD SAYS “ACT YOUR AGE.” ‘YOU HEARD THE NAN, | ; ; EATHRS THE MUSICAL | j T'S TIME TO RAGE! AL. BLAST THE BASS, TAN OUT mE Li AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! RAM, DRINK, SMOKE, I'S ALL COOL, TET'S GET NAKED IN MY POOL au, PUNCH THE WALL AND START A FIGHT, AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! (RUT hits on CHANDLER.) KuRr. FS FOLKS GOT A WATER BED. ‘COME UPSTAIRS AND REST YOUR HEAD. (AM drapes his arms around DUKE. and MCNAMARA.) RAM, {LET'S RUB EACIT OTHER'S BACKS ‘WHILE WATCHING PORN ON CINEMAX! HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 6 (The HEATHERS push them away.) BURT & PARTY GUESTS. (varioush), ‘ABUSE ALL “THE FOLKS ARP. GO.O-ONE! I'S TIME FOR BIG FUN! ors, BIGFUN! an. WE'RE UPTILL DAWN, HAVING SOMF RIG AEN RLS. BIG FUN! ows. ‘WHEN MOM AND DAD FORGET ‘TO LOGK THE LIQUOR, CABINET, ITSEIGFUN! ORs, TO LOCK THE LIQUOR CABINET, BIG FUN! BIG FUNI WHOOT BIG FUNI WHOO! (The WEATHERS do tequila shots. MCNAMARA. teaches VERONICA how to do a shot.) MCNAMARA. So it's salt, then shot, then lime. Very important to get the order right. (VERONICA licks salt from her hand, slugs the shot and sucks the lime perfectly, MCNAMARA claps excitedly) MCNAMARA. You're a natural! Just like my Mom. (PREPPY passes, smiles at VERONICA.) PREPPY. Veronica, you're looking good tonight. (VERONICA spits out the fire.) VERONICA. Whoa. ‘AHIOT GUY SMILED AT ME! WITHOUT ATRAGE OF ‘MOCKERY ‘WEATHERS THE MUSICAL HTATHERS THE MUSICAL, ” VERONICA, ALLBUT VERONICA VERONICA «GMS. ous [EVERYONE'S HIGHTAS A BG FUN ‘07, ic FIN aG UN! AIN'T NOBODYROME BIG HUN! BGTUN TONIGHT! VERONICA. (re: couple making ou ‘THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE STONED, ZONED. on. cows ISHOULD QutT. SUN! IG FONT EY, WHERE'S THAT WED? nerUs TWANT ATT BIGFUN! BIG FUN! (STONER offers her a it.) i wiio01 witoor FILL THATJOWNT AND ROLL (KURT holds up a pata. Its a carton pig holding a next, sign that says “JEFFERSON RAZORBACKS.”) AINT NOBODY HOME RT. Hey, Rottweilers! What is Westerberg gonna do to TONIGHT, the Razorbacks at Sunday's game? DREAMS ARE COMING andar TRUE, (RAM mimes sex withthe pitta) (WHEN Porte LAUGH RI-T mm. Nor atyou! Gonna make ‘em go TMNOT ALONE, TM NOT ‘WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHTEE! ame au. te sono ar iG FUN BO TUN! Ase (DUKE snes at RAM, angry to have been shoved aside.) ‘THE HOUSE IS O.OU- Duxr. ours, Way to show maturity! ‘VERONICA & cmt, T'S TIME FORBIG FUN! bythe hips end ines sex BG FON! behind — the same treatment he gave the poo pi usverimmoms | el miners "THAT SOUNDs Le 1G Amt an. BiG FUN BIG FUN! BIG FUN (CRACK OFEN ONE MORE (DURE ties fo shove RAM. acay.) case owe, (VERONICA observes couple making out) Quit, jackass! Got off of me! VERONICA. au. THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY GALL “THIRD BASE." ‘BIG FUN! BIG FUNI WEATHERS THE MUSICAr. (VERONICA, trying to help DUKE, grabs RAM by the > om.) VERONICA. ‘Yo, Ram! Emergency! {just sav some freshmen trying to sneak into the party! (RAM, alarmed by this new development, releases DURE. RAM. Freshmen? ‘VERONICA. Yeah, climbing over the pool fence! RAM No way, no day! (RAM rans offitage to confront imaginary freshmen. ‘VERONICA tums ‘0 DUKE.) VERONICA. You allright? DUKE. I didn’t need your help. (DUKE gives VERONICA the finger.) VERONICA. Av, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don’t need to vomit right nov. (DURE growls, dancing angrily.) PARTY GUESTS, ‘THE PARTY'S HOT, HOT, HOT! TTS TIME FOR IG FIN! ‘VERONICA & GIRLS. 1G PUNT (KURT hands DUKE a litte cup ) Bunt, ‘YOU NEED A JELLO stiom Au. ‘WERE HAVING BIG FUN! VERONICA & GIRLS, SIG FUN QMARTIA arrives at the party looking homrbly out of lace. She carves a botle of sparkling cider ted with a lovely ribbon.) WEATHERS THE MUSICAL 49 (The three WEATHERS see her.) (CHANDLER. MARTHA DUMPTRUGK, IN THE FLESH, DUKE, HERE COMES THE COOTIE SQUAD. WE SHOULD - (CHANDLER. SHUT UP, HEATHER! DUK, ‘SORRY, HEATHER! MONAMARA, ‘LOOK WHO'S WITH HER OH, Mr Gop! (DUKE points to VERONICA sho comes up behind MARTHA, startling her) (CHANDLER, DURE, MCNAMARA, DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANG-ADANG! DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANGADANG! (The HEATHERS watch VERONICA with MARTHA.) ‘VERONICA. I can't believe you actually came. MARTHA. It’s exciting, right? Excuse me, [want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider. (MARTHA leaves VERONICA, passing the HEATHERS.) (VERONICA starts to follow; but she's woozy from the booze and pot. She parses to stop her spinning head. ‘She doesn't see the HRATHERS bogin to flank MARTE. Dangerous predators on the pro.) (CHANDEER, ‘SHOWING UP HERE TOOK SOME GUTS, ‘TIME TO RIP THEM OUT. (DURE holds up the pig piiata,) DUKE. WELL, WHO'S THIS PIG REMIND YOU OP ESPECIALLY THE SNOUIL ‘cHANDIER, HHL 50 MEATHERS THE MUSICAL (CHANDLER, DUKE, MCNAMARA, DANG! DANG! DIGGETY;DANG-ADANG! DANG! DANG! DIGGETYDANGADANG! (The WEATHERS exit with the pifiala as the lights change. MARTHA approaches RAM who is still om Jeshman patrol.) RAM, I know you're out there! I will snap your necks like the pencils they are! {to himself) Frickin’ freshmen. MARTHA. Hi, Ram. I wasn’t gonna come, but since you took the trouble to write that sweet note... RAM. What note? Why do you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal. (MARTHA hands RAM the bottle of sparkling cider. He pens the botl, chugs and spits out the cider, spraying MARTHA.) RAM, There's no alcohol in here! Are you uyiug « poison, me? (RAM storms off: The HEATHERS retum with the pitiata, covered under a sheet.) ALL. DANG! DANG! DIGGEIVDANG-A.DANC! DANO! DANG! DIGGETYDANGADANGI DANG! DANG! DIGGETEDANGADANG! DIGGETYDANGADANGI ‘THE FOLKS ARE GOO.ONE, IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN? ems BIG FUN! ALL. WE'RE UP TILL DAWN HAVING SOME BIGFUN! mus. IG FUN HEATHERS THE MUSICAL Guys. cms, SO LET THE SPEAKERS BLOW, THIY'LL BUY ANOTHER ‘THEY LL BUY ANOTHER STEREO! STEREO! ‘OUR FOLKS GOT NO CLUE "BOUT HALF THE SHIT "ROUT HALF THE SHIT ‘THEIR CHILDREN DO! ‘THEIR CHIDDREN DO! WH ARE THEY SURPRISED? WHY ARE THEYSURPRISED? ‘WHENEVER WE'RE, WHENEVER WERE UNSUPERVISED LUNSUFERVISED IPSBIGFUN! WIG FUN! BIG FUN BIG FUN! BIGFUN! BIGFUNI WHOOOO! BIG FUNI WHOOOO! (Song ends. CHANDLER takes center stage and ihistles for attention.) EMUSIC NO. 5A: “PIATA OF DOOM”) CHANDLER. Okay, Westerbergers! Time to celebrate our victory over the Razorbacks by whacking apart theit mascot! (MCNAMARA Tolds up a pillowease and a baseball bat.) MCNAMARA. We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the pifiata ~ HANDLER. - Martha Dunnstock! I think you should do the honors. (VERONICA inmediatey snaps to attention. This can’t be good.) (Now everyone's looking at MARTHA. She's nervous too.) MARTHA. I don’t really know this game, MCNAMARA. Let's show this girl some Westerberg spirit! ‘Whoo! (The HEATHIERS prompt applause. Everyone joins in.) s 4 [HEATHERS THE MUSICAL ALL BUT VERONICA. Martha! Martha! Matha! Marthals (MARTHA has litle choice but to take the bat and allow MCNAMARA to slip the pillowcase over her head and shin her around.) MCNAMARA. Bring out the pifiata! (DUKE unveils the pig pata. We now see it has been ‘crudely outfited to resemble MARTHA: glasses, wig, and «sign reading “MARTHA DUMPTRUCK. ") VERONICA, What is your damage, Heather?! (VERONICA grabs the pitta from DUKE and crosses {to the swimming fool The PARTY GUESTS ad lib indignant hubbub.) (MARTHA struggles to get the pillowcase of her head, but it's stuck on a piece of her costume.) (DUKE chases after VERONICA like a small, yoppy dog.) DURE. What do you think you're doing?! Come back here with that Veronica, c'mon! ‘VERONICA. You want it? Swi for it. (VERONICA hurls the piriata into the seimming poot ‘ith «loud SPLASH!) (The party has come toa dead stop.) (MARTHA finally manages to extricate herself from the pillowcase. She looks around, confused.) MARTHA. What's going on? ‘VERONICA. Go home. I'll explain later. (MARTHA hesitates.) Go. (MARTHA exits. VERONICA turns fo CHANDLER, who thas remained aloof, silent and unieulable throughout allthis.) VERONICA. (cont.) Well, we gave ita shot. I'm resigning my commission from the Lip Gloss Gestapo. Going back to civilian life. -MEATHERS THE MUSICAL (VERONICA starts to walk away. CHANDLER stops her spins her and roughly pins her against the wall) (CHANDLER, Not ‘VERONICA. Don’t spin me, I'm not feeling well. ‘CHANDLER. You don't get to be a nobody. Come Monday, you're an.exsomebody. Not even the losers will touch you now. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg’s going to let you play their reindeer games. (Suddenly, VERONICA vomits all over CHANDLER.) (CHANDLER shrieks.) (CHANDLER. Aaaagh! I raised you up from nothing. And what's my thanks? I got paid in puke! (VERONICA wifes her mouth, now sober) ‘VERONICA. Lick it up, baby. Lick. It Up. (CHANDLER. I know who I'm eating lunch with on Monday. Do you? (This hits VERONICA like a hammer She looks around at ‘the PARTY GUESTS, secking an aly or a kind face. Bvery single kid looks away. The crowd parts and VERONICA exits, wilting under CBANDLER’S unaiavering, baleful glare. Once CHANDLER is satisfied that her enemy has ‘een vanquished, she turns back to the PARTY GUESTS ‘and beams with peppy enthusiasm.) ‘Okay, party people! Where's the goddamn keg?! (Groeryone cheers. Party ont! Blackout.) HRATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Six IMUSIC NO. 6: “DEAD GIRL WALKING?) (FERONICA wanders the neighborhood, tervfed of what {iss ubeud ut school Monday morning...) ‘VERONICA. ‘THE DEMON QUEEN OF HIGH SCHOOL HAS DECREED Ir SHE SAYS MONDAY, 8 AM, I WILL BE DELETED. THEY'LL HUNT ME DOWN IN STUDY HALL; STUFF AND MOUNT ME ON THE WALL. ‘THIRTY HOURS TO LIVE. HOW SHALL I SPEND THEN? DON'T HAVE TO STAY AND DIE LIKE CATTLE: {TOOULD GHANGE MY NAME AND RIDE UPTO SEATTLE, BUTI DON'T OWN A MOTORBIKE ~ WATT., (She looks up. Through the window of one of the neighborhood houses, she sees J.D.'s silhouette, He's fting weight.) HERE'S AN OPTION THAT ILIKE: SPEND THOSE THIRTY HOURS GETTIN’ FREAKAY. vent NEED IT HARD, TMA DEAD GIRL WALKIN' TMINYOUR YARD. TMA DEAD GIRL WALKIN’! ‘BEFORE THEY PUNCH MY CLOCK, [PM SNAPPING OFF YOUR WINDOW LOCK. GOT NO TIME TO KNOCK, TMA DEAD GIRL WALKIN’? (VERONICA climbs into [D.’s window.) ‘ED. Veronica? What are you doing in my room? ‘VERONICA. HAD TO SEE YOU, HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE YOU. ‘Bk, I DECIDED I MUST RIDE YOU TILL 1 BREAK YOU. "CAUSE HEATHER SAYS 1 GOTS TO Co. YOU'RE MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW, SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LOSE THEM TIGHTSWHITAYS! HEATHERS THE MUSICAL ‘Come on! ‘TONIGHT PMYOURS. YMYOUR DEAD GIRL WALKIN’ GET ON ALL FOURS, KISS THIS DEAD GIRL WALKIN’! LET'S GO, YOU KNOW THE DRILL... YMHOT AND PISSED AND ON THE PILL. BOW DOWN TO THE WILL OF A DEAD GIRL WALKIN") AND YA KNOW, YA RNOW, YA KNOW, IT'S ‘CAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU SAY YOU'RE NUMB INSIDE... BUTI CAN'T AGREE, SO THE WORLD'S UNFAIR. KEEP IT LOCKED OUT THERE, IN HERE IT's BEAUTIFUL... LET'S MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL! 9. That works for me. (They kiss and grope.) VERONICA. JD. ‘YEAH! FULL STEAM AHEAD! ‘TAKE THIS DEAD GIRL WALKIN? HOW'D YOUFIND MY ADDRESS LET'S BREA THE BED! ROCK THISDEAD GIRL WALEIN' TTHINKYOU TORE MY NO SLEEP TONIGHT FORYOU, MATTRESS! BETTER CHUGTHAT MOUNTAINDEW, Okay; OAM GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR, ‘MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN DISAPPEAR, (ORAM! ORAM SLAP MBt PULL MY HAIR, ‘TOUGH ME ‘THERE AND THERE AND THERE THERE! THERE! THERE! BUT NO MORE TALKING! 56 HEATHERS THE MUSICAL ‘VERONICA. JD. WHOA, OA, 04, OA! LOVE THls DEAD GIRL ‘WALKIN’? ‘WHOAL WHOA! HEY! HEY YEAH! Weantt LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL. LOVE TMs DEAD Git WALKIN WHOA! WHOA HEY! HEV ‘WAIT! WAIT LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL - LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL YEAH YEAH YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! rant ow: RAN YEAMI (They fall into the bed. Blackout.) (Spotlight on CHANDLER, She's watching J.D. and VERONICA sleep.) IMUSIC NO. 6A: “VERONICA'S CHANDLER NIGHTMARE") SPOORY TEENS. (ofitage) HO... Ho. GHANDLEK Hello, slut, (VERONICA sits up in ed, frnaked out.) VERONICA. How did you get in here? (Lights reoeal SPOOKY TEENS somewhat incongruously ‘wearing gospel robes and 3-D glasses. Eerie choral vocals (buildin intensity under the following.) CHANDLER. I'm like oxygen. I'm everywhere. Really, ‘Veronica. Sleeping with psycho trenchcoat kid? I will ‘crucify you for this. Everyone in school's gonna know g00d little Veronica Sawyer is nothing but a dirty whore. NEATHERS THE MUSICAL ” VERONICA. Why are you so determined to hurt me? CHANDLER. Because I can. Tl be 50 very. SPOOKY TEINS. ‘VERY! VERY! VERY! VERYI ‘VERY! VERV. VER VERY (The choral voices build to a scary cima. VERONICA, sereams, Lights change; CHANDLER and the CHORUS exit in darkness. Song ends.) GD. sits up in bed to comfort VERONICA, who is shaking.) JD. You're soaking wet. ‘VERONICA. It was just a dream. (VERONICA jumps out of bed and gets dresed.) J.D. What's the rush? VERONICA. I've gotta get to Heather's house. ED. Why?! You said you were done with Heather: ‘VERONICA Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy. A world without Heather, A world where everyone is free. But now it's ‘morning and I have to go kiss her aerobicized ass. (VERONICA heads forthe window.) J.D. Let me come with. ‘VERONICA. Really? 4. For backup. VERONICA. Okay, thanks, (WERONICA hisses.) ‘VERONICA. By the way... (pats his chest) You were my fist (She climbs out the window. J.D. smiles and follows. Blackout.) IMUSIC NO. 6B: “DEATH AT DAWN"] HVATHERS THE MUSICAL Beene Seven 2 (Chandler's house. Two playing areas ~ Chandler's ‘edroom and the hitchen. CHANDLER is stil in bed.) (VERONICA and J.D. enter the kitchen.) ‘VERONICA. (calls out) Heather? ED. Maybe she’s not here. ‘VERONICA. Trust me. She skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma’s even when she’s not hung over. (calls out) Heather! (CHANDLER bellows from her bedroom.) CHANDLER, What?! ‘VERONICA, It's Veronica. I'm here to apologize. HANDLER. Hope you brought kneepads, bitch. Fix me a prairie oyster and I'll think about it. VERONICA. (toJ.0,) What's in that? Raw egg, vinegar... JD. sauce, Worcester, salt and pepper. VERONICA. You know your hangover cures. JD. My dad tavght me all kinds of stuff. (VERONICA gathers the ingredients and pours them into a mug.) ‘VERONICA. Oh, hey, here’s my revenge. I'm gonna drop a phlegm globber in her prairie oyster. She'll never know. (VERONICA hocks a loogie and spits into the mug. J.D. ‘pulls out some drain cleaner.) ‘40. 'm a No Rust Build-up” man, myself, ‘VERONICA. Don’t be a dick. That stuff kill her, JD. Thus ending her hangover. I say we go with Big Blue. GD. raises the glass. Light hits it — an iridescent blue liquid.) VERONICA, What are you doing? You just can’t g¢ Besides, she'd never drink anything that looks like that, HEATHERS THE MUSICAL JD. We'll use 2 mug. She won't be able to tell what she's drinking. D. pours the drain cleaner into an identical ceramic mug) ‘VERONICA. Forget it. JD. Chicken. VERONICA. You're not funny. JD. Okay, P'm sorry. (1D. kisses VERONICA, long and slow.) (CHANDLER. Prairie oyster! Chop-chop! (Distracted by the bss, VERONICA reaches for her mug without looking and mistakenly picks up the mug with ‘he drain cleaner in it. She crosses to CHANDLER.) JD. (ses her mistake) Veronica — you... VERONICA. (turning back) I what? JD. Good luck. .D. follows as VERONICA cautiously approaches CHANDLER in the Bedroom playing area.) VERONICA. Morning, Heather. {CHANDLER rouses herself; nods to each in tern.) CHANDLER. Ah, Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle surpreese. (CHANDLER grats the mug.) CHANDLER, Let's get to it. Beg. ‘VERONICA. We both said things we didn’t mean last night. GHANDTER. I actually would prefer you did this on your knees. In front of your boy-toy here. VERONICA, Uh-huh. Anyhow, I'm really sory ~ CHANDLER. (interrupting) Do I look like I'm kidding? Down, (VERONICA slowly kneels, humiliated.) HANDLER. Nice. But you're still dead to me. (CHANDLER downs the mug.) HEATHERS THE MUSICAL, (Beat. A look of surprise crosses her face), (CHANDLER. Corn Nuts! (CHANDLER staggers around the room and dies dromatically, pulling the curtains down onto 1th a crash illing the mom with binding sunlight) G2. and VERONICA stare in shock as CHANDLER dies) JD. Holy crap. ‘VERONICA. Don’t just stand there! Call 9111 GED. checks fora pulse. Nothing.) 4D. Lit late for that. rene Heather! Heather, wake up! Oh my Goal Tjust Killed my best friend. J. And your worst enemy. VIRONIGA. Same difference. The police are going to think jilid this on purpose! They're gonna have te send my SAT scores to San Quentin! JD. Unies... ED. picks up a book) JD. Look. She was reading The Bell Jar, ‘EMUSIC NO. 6¢: “PAIN IN MY PATE] VERONICA Oh no. 40: Oh yes. You can fake her handvaiting. (He offrs VERONICA. a fen.) JD. Make her sound deep. Like this. yw. THAD PAIN IN MY PATH, LIKE, SViA PLAT, MY PROBLEMS WERE MYRIAD... ‘VERONICA, WAS HAVING MY PERIOD... (Sng mals 1s VERONICA gigs ytercally, mon from panic than mirth.) HEATHERS THE MUSICAL J. This isn’: funny! You could go to jal! Get your head. straight. Now! VERONICA. Heather would never use the word “myriad,” ‘okay?! She missed it on her vocabulary quiz. JD. So it’s a badge for her failures at school! Work with me. ‘VERONICA. Okay, okay. 4D. Think long and hard. Conjure her up in your mind, (WERONICA looks around, picks up a pad and pen, concentrates.) ‘What would she say? What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet? MUSIC NO. 7: “THE ME INSIDE OF ME”) VERONICA. Dear world... BELIEVE If OR NOT, KNEW ABOUT FEAR TRNEW THE WAY LONELINESS... STUNG, | HID BEHIND SMILES AND CRAZY HOT CLOTHES, ULEARNED TO KISS BOYS WITH MY TONGUE, JD. That’s good. VERONICA, ‘BUT OH, THE WORLD Ir HELD ME DOWN. ‘T WEIGHED LIKE A... CONCRETE PROM QUEEN CROWN, (DEAD CHANDLER sits up. Only VERONICA sers her.) DEAD CHANDLER, NO ONE THINES A PRETIY GIRL HAS FEELINGS, NO ONE GETS HER INSECURITY. ‘TAM MORE THAN SHOULDER PADS AND MAKEU, NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME. fesus, you're making ine sound like Air Supply. ‘JD. Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops. (Time passes. Two policemen, OFFICER MCCORD and OFFICER MILNER, investiga the scene, standing over ‘he dead body.) LEATHERS THE MUSICAL MCCORD. Is it murder? . (MILNER picks up the suicide note.) MILNER. No, look. Here's a suicide note. ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, MCCORD. ‘THEY COULDNT SEE PAST MY ROCK STAR MYSTIQUE, ‘THEY WOULDN'T DARE LOOK IN MY EVES. ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, MILNER. ‘BUT JUST UNDERNEATH WAS A TERRIFIED GIRL. WHO CLINGS TO HER PILLOW AND CRIES! ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, COPS. MY LOOKS WERE JUST LIKE PRISON BARS; ‘VERONICA & COPS. ‘THEY'VE LEFT ME.A MYRIAD OF SCARS, DEAD CHANDLER, (impressed) “Myriad.” Nice. (Lights change. We've back at school. The COPS hand the suicide note to PRINCIPAL GOWAN, 50s, probably ‘hates his job.) VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, COPS. [NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL HAS SUBSTANCE. ‘THAT'S THE CURSE OF POPULARITY, (GOWAN reads the note aloud.) Gowan, 1AM MORE THAN JUST A SOURCE OF HANDJOBS. ‘VERONICA, DEAD CHANDLER, GOWAN, COPS. [NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME. (The COPS exit. GOWAN jins FLEMING and some FACULTY, including COACH RIPPER who is 40s, ‘exjoch, FLEMING ranks out “ditios” on an oldschool ‘mimeograph machine.) (EAD CHANDLER lounges nearby, an interested observer) COAGH. I'm tellin’ you, Principal Gowan ~ Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide. You should ‘cancel classes. GOWAN. No way, Coach. I send the kids home before lunch and the switchboard will light up like a Ghristmas tree. ‘NEATHERS THE MUSICAL FLEMING. Our children are dying! What this schoo! needs is a good old fashion rap session. 1 suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria and just talk. And feel. ‘Together. GOWAN. Thank you, Ms, Fleming, Call me when the shuttle lands. (COACH and GOWAN chuckle. FLEMING shoots them both a dirty look.) FLEMING, Go ahead, laugh at the hippy, but I'm telling you we all misjudged Heather Chandler! Myself included! (FLEMING shoves the stack of dttos in GOWAN’: face.) Have you read this suicide note?! Really read it? GOWAN. You...made copies? (FLEMING ignores him and rads aloud.) FLEMING & DEAD CHANDLER. BOX UP MY CLOTHING FOR GOODWILL, AND GIVE THE POOR MY NORDIC TRACK. DONATE MY GAR TO CRIPPLED KIDS, ‘OR TO THOSE. GHETTO MOMS ON CRACK. (GIVE THEM MY HATS AND MY CDS, My PUMPS AND FLATS, MY THREE TVS! (RAM, KURT, MARTHA, J.D., VERONICA, PREPPY, REPUBLICANETTE, HIPSTER and MCNAMARA enter noting that something important seems tobe going on.) DEAD CHANDLER & FACULTY, [NO ONE THINKS THE PRETTY GIRL HAS FEELINGS, BUTI WEEP FOR ALL I FAILED TO BE. (IFAILED TO BE) MAYBE I CAN HELP THE WORLD BY LEAVING, MAYBE THAT'S THE ME INSIDE OF ME. GOWAN. Aw, hell. Long weekend for everybody! (The STUDENTS cheer. The EACULTY MEMBERS exit, ‘except for FLEMING who stops the excited STUDENTS from leaving.) FLEMING. Not so fast, kids. They're refuelling the buses, which gives us a solid half hour of healing. HEATHERS THE MUSICAL (The STUDENTS groan.) (FLEMING passes around mimeographed copies. RAM. | holds his copy to his face, inhaling deeply, enjying that | smimeograpik ink smell.) FLEMING. want you all to study this suicide note so you ‘can really feel Heather's anguish. MCNAMARA, HER WORLD SEEMED LIKE A PERFECT PLACE. FLEMING, Go on! HIPSTER. BUT FRIENDS AND TOYS HAD NO EFFECT! FLEMING. Feel! REPUBLICANETTE, ‘THAT'S WHY SHE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE - FLEMING. Heal! STUDENTS. "CAUSE SHE WAS DESPERATE TO CONNECT! (VERONICA snoris a laugh at the absurdity of allthis.) FLEMING. Veronica? Something on your mind? (WERONICA quickly comers her Laughter into fake s0b,) ‘VERONICA. Sorry, didn’t mean to lose control like this. I's Just, this classroom discussion has stirred up emotions Thaven’t felt since Hands Across America. FLEMING. My God. LOOK WHAT WE'VE DONE, WE'RE BREAKING THROUGH! HEATHER WOULD BE $0 PROUD OF YOU! STUDENTS, AND YOUI AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU FLEMING & STUDENTS. ‘NO ONE THINKS A PRETIY GIRL CAN TOUCH YOU... STUDENTS. ont, oon, HEATHERS THE MUSICAL 6s KURT & RAM, (smirking) Heather touching me. (KURT and RAM punch itn.) FLEMING & STUDENTS, [BUT SHE'S MADE US BETTER THAN WE WERE, HEATHER'S DEAD, BUT SHE WILL LIVE INSIDE ME. AND I'LL BE THE ME INSIDE OF HER. DEAD CHANDLER, Holy crap! This is awesome! FLEMING & STUDENTS, HEATHER CRIED; OUR SINS FELL. ON HER SHOULDERS. DEAD CHANDLER, Jesus Christ! FLEMING & STUDENTS. HEATHER DIED, SO WE COULD ALL BE FREE! DEAD CHANDLER. I'm bigger than John Lennon! FLEMING & STUDENTS, LHEATHER'S GONE, BUT SHE WILL LIVE FOREVER} ‘MARTEA, SHE'S THE DOVE THAT SINGS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW! GEEK, ‘SHE'S THE TWIN FROM WHOM I'M SEPARATED! STONER. ‘SHE'S THE HORSE I NEVER GOT FOR CHRISTMAS! FLEMING & STUDENTS. HEATHER SEES THE ME INSIDE OF MEI DEAD CHANDLER, FLEMING, STUDENTS. HEATHER IS THE ME INSIDE OF ME! INSIDE OF... Met (Blackout. In dak, we hear DUKE. speaking:) IMUSIC _NO. 7A: “THE ME INSIDE OF ME PLAYOFF”) DUKE. (offstage) At a time like this, negative people choose to focus on their grief. Well, I hate those people. Because I am a very positive person, WEATHERS THE MUSICAL Scene Eight . G:D.'s living room. Unpacked moving bases. On the TV, DUKE (alks into a mike with an ABC News logo cube. With each interview, her confidence gr as she plays to the camera more.) DUKE. ...I remember the good times. Like when Heather and I got our cars pierced at the mall... G.D. changes the channel DUKE rotates the microphone in her hand so an NBC logo is visible.) Tan still hear those late-night talks on the phone... (Click. DUKE. rotates the microphone again. The logo is for some foreign language cable channel. Korean ‘and Spanish ave both great, but it should be whatever language the actress is comfortable speaking) DUKE. (bracketed text in foreign language, the est in English) [1 remember going to the state fair last summer with] Heather Chandler. [We made ourselves sick to the stomach eating] Corn Nuts. (Such a magical time.] DUKE. VERONICA. [don’t think I'l ever Turn it off Turn it off ‘eat them again without thinking of my friend] Heather. GD. remoteclichs off the TV. He looks away from VERONICA, apprehensive.) J.D. (dad) Why, son, I didn't hear you come in. (Enter BIG BUD DEAN, J.D.'s dad. He exudes seedy, smiling menace. He's carrying a purtable doorknob rope exerciser) (Sometimes, [D. and BIG BUD reverse roleplay ~ quite possibly the distorted application of a coping exercise earned long ago in court mandated family therafy.) BIG BUD. (son) Hey, Dad, how was work today? HEATHERS THE MUSICAL o {BIG BUD hooks one end of the exerciser tothe wall and Dagins to stretch his arms and les.) (as himself, dad) It was miserable. Some damn tribe of withered old bitches is trying to stop me from blowing up this fleabag hotel. All because Glenn, Miller and his band once took a dump there, Just like Kansas. Do you remember Kansas? JD. The one with the wheat, right? BIG BUD. The “Save the Memorial Oak" Society. Showed. those tree-humpers, Thirty bricks of C4 explosive stuck to the trunk, Arraigned but acquitted. God- damned Kansas. (som) Gosh, Pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend. J.D. Veronica, this is my dad. Big Bud Dean. VERONICA. Hello, (ERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shake BIG BUD's hand. BIG BUD, doing a leg stretching exercise, offers her his foot instead of the expected hand. J.D. and BIG BUD both chuckle.) JD. (dad) Hey there, Sport, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner? VERONICA. Oh, my mom's making my favorite meal tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano. JB. Nice, The last time I saw my mom, she was waving out the window of a library in Texas. Right, Dad? (21G BUD stops in mid-squat to grin a You-Think You're ‘Tougher Than-Me But You'reNot smile oD.) BiG BUD. Right, son, ‘VERONICA. Okay, well... See you tomorrow. IMUSIC NO. 7B: “TRANSCTION TO CEMETERY”) (VERONICA moves off. Lights down on J.D."s house. VERONICA falts fo the audience.) ‘VERONICA. Dear Diary: J.D.’s dad will not be speaking at our wedding.