My Humors Collection | Computing And Information Technology | Business

MY HUMORS COLLECTION

Humor 1: I'm Stupid! Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't have to rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it." Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay ... no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign." 1 | My Humors Collection

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign." Anybody you know need a sign today?

Humor 2: Bill Gates versus GM At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive ... but would run on only five percent of the roads.

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6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Humor 3: Car Crash Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" Humor 4: Divorce - American Style Divorced Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

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Daughter: "O.K." Later ...

Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Divorced Mother: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

Humor 5: Horrible email virus I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Be afraid ... be very afraid!

A NEW VIRUS ... just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a new virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus: 1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send to wrong person. 4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail. 4 | My Humors Collection

Humor 6: I can hear just fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked, "Windy isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Humor 7: Marriage A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

Humor 8: Father of Four A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back ... "Anytime you're ready, Father of four!" Humor 9: Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto camped in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." 5 | My Humors Collection

"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabe?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Humor 10: Men are like ...

Men are like ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ... Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off. Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like ... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Humor 11: A Poem for Computer Users over 30

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat. 6 | My Humors Collection

Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3-inch floppy You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife 7 | My Humors Collection

Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead.

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