AL'S STAND UP

I have been advised early in the act to talk about sex so you will know I am not just funny but a little funny. Your daughter might be safe with me but maybe not one of your pets. You can believe I will soil your furniture. My wife agreed to having two women in our bed so long as she did not have to be one of them. It gave me something to daydream about during the divorce.

After Bob Dole lost the race for president he became spokeslimp for Viagra To think if he was elected we would have had a limp noodle president. That makes some of us hotter. So when Clinton was caught with the fourteen year old tourist who the parents left unattended that was all right. Clinton was exercising his right of power. As the most powerful man it is his right To have any maiden In the village. That is why Washington’s memorial is a stone phallus. America will never wear out George Washington. And it was just lucky for George Washington and America that Bill Clinton was a sex addict. Bob Dole might as well have been telling us which hand he wipes with while the rest of us use toilet paper. GOD LOOKS down from heaven and sees the misery. Children hurt in wars, starvation next to plenty, people left out in a storm and He asks, “How can the human race let this happen?” I am not a Buddhist but I believe in reincarnation. Why? I have proof. I know I was born at home. I recognized the furniture. It looked like hospital furniture. I grew up in the 60’s and it was a confusing time to me. I had to deal with the confusion of having two male uncles. Back then families had two sides. It confused me as a kid because I was told I have One Uncle on each side. I should have realized then something was wrong with me. Some one should have noticed. But I kept going because no one in my family or at the hospital told me the truth.

Some of you may have heard the rumor that I am getting married again. Who ever said that doesn’t know me because I would never get married again. Once I was a coy newlywed Feeling safe and comfy as a newlywed I put on a little weight, more than a little, a lot of weight. I grew to be Oliver Hardy size, to get my wallet I had to sit on the couch, roll on my side and reach up. In marriage we made up for lack of communication with our clothes on by outrageous fucking in bed. Porno on a competitive level plus a lot of outtakes. And she did not care how fat I got , once she had me by the hook it was easier to keep me if I was repulsive to other women or any human being. Once a man touches a woman everything changes. He goes from charming, attentive and brilliant with one fuck becomes another bored face in her circle who she complains to all day long. She called sometimes during the day when I had to sleep. I hated that. Because I have this night job, she woke me up. Whaddoyawant? I just wanted to talk. (She would take on a nasal hurt voice like she was about to cry) I’ll see you tonight after the show, we’ll fuck our brains out. Click. Most of the action I saw during college was of the freakish and or alcoholic white trash variety. I lived on the derelict side of town in a three bedroom apartment with nine other roomies. It was easier to figure the rent. We were not science majors. Being a boarder in someone’s house is a freakish experience, that was my first exposure to child abuse. They raised my rent when they saw me eating three meals a day. No sir, if you are going to live in our shack you will live like us. Navy shower, one minute, cold water. College relationships never last either. It was very inconvenient for us to make love because she lived in a dorm

with roommates, we could only fuck six hours a day. It always seemed easier to get a different partner who had a more convenient schedule. I mean it was rare to find someone who either of you would change class schedule for. That is when you have a fight or your first grownup conversation. Guys always resist that conversation because they will hear a lot of true and painful stuff. But every man I know who sat down with a woman to have that conversation have all come out a winner. She will always make the sacrifice for him if he is willing to take the time to let her piss and shit all over him. I even learned what one woman thought was wrong with my mother while we were fucking. I always find in conversation with a woman to be a positive experience if I try to keep whatever I say short. There are three things women want to hear, brutish compliments about their looks, To have someone listen to their boring, pathetic, stupid, typical life story and agree unquestioningly with her side. And be told they are interesting. No matter how boring they really are. Women are boring….. Men are boring……People are boring and life is boring. But serial hatchet murderers, they are interesting.

It was icy this morning, I still have some in my beard. The label on this shirt says “Wash and wear” I’ll find out soon. Sex jokes? About a skanky woman putting crust around her

pie? DO you believe in sex on the internet? She had a big penis for a woman. I don’t believe in it. NEVER give up. Who ever heard of Vicks 43 Brand Cough Syrup? Or 54 Varieties? And 6-Up, Or 22 ice cream flavors? What is Jack Daniels selling, not Old No. 3, or 4. But old number 7. Who wants a 352 Magnum? You have to have 20-18 vision to aim it. You want 357. NEVER give up because you don’t want to end up like me. I AM SO old I watched McDonalds count the first millions.

Life is full of decisions and tough choices you have to make. What laundry detergent to use. First there is the expensive stuff, a quart is 20 dollars, that’s more than good booze the good stuff keeps your clothes newer and brighter. They got a real expensive detergent, the one in the small white bottle. Your clothes will come out already ironed. It has a spray nozzle and dry cleaners use it. Or else, Glare Detergent, it gets clothes clean and burns them up in the process. But the one that gives you twice as much at half the price is Arm and Hammer, it makes your clothes all one color, gets the heavy dirt off but leaves a Stain Reminder. Look at that stain, remember How was fun when I dropped the egg roll right here. Arm and Hammer gives all your clothes a moderate armpit smell. It used to be popular in east Germany. I was never a 9-5 guy, I was an 8-5 one because they deducted an hour for lunch. Life was not fare back

then. Today it is fare. What’s his name is President and life is great. What Military Industrial Complex? (PUTS ON ALUMINUM FOIL HAT) It’s the UFOs who rule. Are you telling lies about me? I’ll tell the truth about you. ONE night home alone I decide to get married. You are asking yourself the same question. No, I did not have a girlfriend. I didn‘t want to be married, I wanted a wife to blame things on. Being married always gives you an excuse for your own stupidity. Car registration is late, no milk in the fridge, there is always the wife or husband to blame. Your spouse becomes your fuck up side and pretty soon you hate them. You made them into something and now resent them for it. You think your life is miserable because you married your spouse. You think if you had not done that one thing today you would be happy now instead. Think of all the stupid stuff you did before you made that mistake and after. Marriage is just one of a series of mistakes. MEMORY is your kingdom of riches in the rear view mirror. Look forward if you want to get anywhere. And the older I get the better I used to be.

Every child born is a disappointment to one or both parent. Do you agree? Am I crazy? I’M Not crazy. Do you have a little aluminum foil? My head is cold. When I lived in the desert southwest I went out every day at noon for half an hour with aluminum foil on my head. Neighbors laughed, kids pointed but guess what happened? Guess Is there anything I can say now that would not be crazy? Nothing happened. Are you crazy? A touch of skin cancer and second degree burns. I always felt a little sorry for the planet Mercury… Until they took Pluto away. We know Krypton is not real but don’t take planets away. I am looking for a nut group to join. A nut group so I won’t feel so alone. I like UFO-oligist. Also Men who Marry Guns has some appeal. I reject the Repubs or the Dems, they are too marginal. Who can I vote for to possibly represent me? (Put aluminum foil on head). I like the UFO nut group. I like the thing NASA sent out into deep space. It was an LP. Remember what that was? A disk about the size of a dinner plate with

pictures of Two naked human being, directions to earth, a list of our likes and dislikes along with cooking instructions. Thank you Carl Sagan and Rod Serling. I hope we taste like chicken. Why do UFO’s keep crashing on earth? They cross 30 billion light years then smash up a quarter mile from McDonalds. They are so eager to get a tasty bite of us. The chef is driving and his hats slips over his eyes. I was kidnapped by a UFO but they let me go when I couldn’t give them an address to send the ransom note. I was born at home. I know because I recognized the furniture. My parents took a look at me and then we went to the hospital. It was then that I realized how much life sucks. Nothing is as good as what is next. Superman always has to be followed by Superman 2. I am emotionally divided between desire for the new and improved and love for the old and familiar, the one back at home I am are still married to. My lawnmower. Cheating is better than a credit card. Credit card statement come every month but cheating can be free for a long time until the statement arrives. Either one guarantees living beyond your means. Men, if you are here with a date or partner, look how bad they look. And that is your better half. The same for things we desire. Today everyone wants the sixteen foot diagonal larger than life hi def TV. Images are larger than life. But the cameras today are molecular sized with atom size lenses and

produce the worst images ever. Are you looking at a giraffe on a plane or is it a train station in China covered with Vaseline? What ever it is it is new so you have to buy one. Or wait until the next one comes along. What if you had to do something really disgusting as a the next new thing like smoke an unfiltered cigarette or letting him have his way with your asshole. There are simply certain things in life you have to do whether you want to or not even if you first think you can’t. Things like school , work, breathing, feeding the kids, Kids must be fed even if they don’t deserve it. That’s why I want to do better for my kids. I grew up poor but I didn’t know it. I was stupid. All the neighbors knew it, my parents knew it, other kids knew it. I don’t know what my father did for a living but it involved a shovel. I have a real problem being polite. I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds when people show me pictures of their children. Most kids are ugly. People who have ugly babies should not show pictures of them. Ugly brats should be kept indoors with a diaper over their heads. During the first year you can tell by looking at a baby’s head, future class president or loser. Some you can tell in six weeks, eyes wide, attentive, looking around or a sleeping dullard. Some babies make it obvious at birth, if the kid’s head is too large or too small something is wrong and if it is a

baldheaded baby then throw it into the recycling bin. Can a Zombie be pro life? How can we hope to save the earth when after so many generations bread is still square while baloney remains round? Even Israel and the Arabs have gotten closer in this time.

Thanks to Buddha people who I used to think of as assholes are now fire breathing dragons soaring from the clouds at me. When you see them like that it becomes easy to avoid them As a single custodial father I got to be pretty good at laundry, getting stains out, ironing, … But that doesn’t make me any less of a man. If you don’t think so suck my dick. Not right now though I have muffins in the oven

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