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COMPLIMENTARY A MULTIWAVE PUBLICATION

THE LOS ANGELES Professional Express


LAProfessionalExpress.com Issue No. 2 —1 Thursday, January 6, 2010

ZIMBABWE PM: TRAITOR!


TSVANGIRAI FACES CHARGES AFTER PRIVATELY
INSISTING SANCTIONS ‘MUST BE KEPT IN PLACE’
Zimbabwe is to investigate bringing Mugabe's Zanu-PF party said last guilty and describe the controversy
treason charges against the prime week the government should draft a as personal attacks on the prime
minister, Morgan Tsvangirai, and law that makes it a treasonable minister. Beatrice Mtetwa, a leading
other individuals over confidential offence to call for sanctions. The- human rights lawyer, said it would
talks with US diplomats revealed Movement for Democratic be very difficult to mount a legal
by WikiLeaks. Change leader "acknowledged that case on the basis of WikiLeaks.
Johannes Tomana, the attorney his public statements calling for "If there is a commission to look into
general, said he would appoint a easing of sanctions versus his WikiLeaks, it will have to investigate
commission of five lawyers to ex- private conversations saying they everything WikiLeaks has dis-
amine whether recent disclosures in must be kept in place have caused cussed, including officials from
leaked US embassy cables amount problems," the memo states. Zanu-PF," she said. "It cannot be
to a breach of the constitution. It says: "If necessary, he said, he selective. When it comes to wit-
Acable dated 24 December 2009 and [deputy prime minister Arthur] nesses, are they going to call back
suggested Tsvangirai privately Mutambara can quietly meet with the former US ambassadors? The
insisted sanctions "must be kept in western leadership to develop a cables are based on opinion, not
place". plan on the issue of sanctions. He fact. There are a host of legal prob-
High treason in Zimbabwe can said that he and Mutambara have lems."
result in the death penalty. Tomana decided to take this issue out of the Asked if she could rule out treason
told the state-owned Herald news- hands of the negotiators and handle charges against Tsvangirai, Mtetwa
paper: "With immediate effect, I am it personally." replied: "From a legal perspective it
going to instruct a team of prac- Defenders of Tsvangirai might note would be folly. But I'm not going to
tising lawyers to look into the issues that, in the same US cable, he is say it's unlikely because the attor-
that arise from the WikiLeaks. described as asking for some ney general has been known to
"The WikiLeaks appear to show a "flexibility" in sanctions. It says: chase rainbows against us. He was
treasonous collusion between local "Zanu-PF has implemented a strat- put in the position for that particular
Zimbabweans and the aggressive egy of reciprocity in the negotia- reason."
international world, particularly tions, using western sanctions as a Last week, the US treasury depart-
theUnited States." cudgel against MDC. He ment imposed restrictive measures
State media reports have said hard- [Tsvangirai] would like to see some on the attorney general, saying his
line supporters of the presi- quiet moves, provided there are actions undermined the country's
dent,Robert Mugabe, want an offi- acceptable benchmarks, to 'give' democratic institutions.
cial inquiry into Tsvangirai's discus- some modest reward for modest
sion of international sanctions with progress." By Edgar Tenenbaum | Staff Writer
the US ambassador in Harare. Tsvangirai's aides say he is not Morgan Tsvangirai, above, Prime Minister of Zimbabwe and President of the Movement for Democratic Change

WHY GOVERNMENT LIES LA(id) Realationship Advice


From our Dearest Sex Advisor

ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY


Dearest Dear Sex Advisore, How many moons was she above change. Sent-ences of deliverance.
the std deviation? The narcicyst first There’s only so far you can take the
I met a guy recently and I think he’s began developing on her youtubes; fluid from your eyes, a potent potion,
really cool. We’ve been spending a it scram-bled her eggistence; a purely made from the blood of ab-
lot of time together, but he hasn’t flashing tunnel of light as an orga(ni) hortions.
Perhaps the biggest media story of quences may be grim, even if Con- ey is in your account, what differ- really put the moves on me, so one sm; it was my (je)wish cum true. I got caught in a bubble of thought
2010 was the influence of Tea gress finds the courage to take ence would it make if your neighbor day after having a few glasses of We cannot understand the machine that was blown from your mind. The
Party voters on the Congressional decisive action now. chooses not to participate in the wine, I demanded he explain to me if we do not understand the man if howling winds of sacrifice are far
landscape. The new Congress Courage begins with a commitment program? why he seemed to be leading me on! we do not understand the machine behind, beyond the skysRapers on
comes to Capitol Hill with a man- to see things as they are, rather The truth of course is that your And what he told me really threw me we do not understand the man can- the whorizon. . .causing rip-ples in
date to end profligate spending and than how we wish they were. When contributions are not put aside. for a loop, he said it’s because he not understand the machine. . the ocean like tears in your eyes,
restore fiscal sanity in Washington, it comes to Social Security we must Social Security is a simple tax. Like has an STD! Well, this made me .fingernails hit hard into the coughin’ and in your jeans…at the knees
we are told. But when the House understand that the system does all taxes, the money collected is start thinking, which STDs is it ac- like mc ha’mercy on my soul. I read because you are only here to ap-
and Senate convene in January the not represent an old age pension, spent immediately as general reve- ceptable for a guy to have if you are her face like a book, the pages turn- pease and do your part to spread
newly elected members will face an insurance program or even a nue to fund the federal government. going to possibly date him seriously? ing eturnally, lines upon lines of the disease. To be continued. . .
tremendous pressure to maintain forced savings program. It simply But no administration will admit that I think I’d draw the line at HIV, what amateur prose. This pain had traces
spending levels for entitlement represents an enormous transfer of Social Security is nothing more do you think? of death. The see’d was s-oiled. Virulently,
programs. Even the most modest payment with younger workers than an accounting ledger with no -STDo’s and Don’ts Limbs have coiled. Witches reality,
proposals to trim Social Security or paying taxes to benefit the other money. You will collect benefits which is reality? Vitus S. Hearn
Medicare spending will be met with beneficiaries. There is no Social only if future tax revenues remain Dear Herpes and Car-rots, We will be cuntrolled by what came
howls of indignation and threats of Security trust fund and you don’t high. The money you paid into the before us unless we fight for a Additional flavors:
voter revolt. Legislators who pro- have an account. Whether you win system is long gone.
pose any kind of means testing or or lose the Social Security lottery is My hope is that at least some mem-
increased retirement ages can a function of when you happen to bers of the new Congress will cut
expect angry visits from senior be born and how long you live to through the distortions to see Social
citizens and lobbyists ready to fund collect benefits. Of course young Security as it really is. The best way
a candidate back home who sup- people today have every reason to to fix the impending Social Security
ports the status quo. believe they will never collect those crisis is also the simplest: Allow
But millions of Americans now benefits. younger individuals to opt out of the
realize that the status quo is an Notice that neither political party program and use their tax savings
illusion that will not last even anoth- proposes letting people opt out of to invest privately as they see fit.
er 10 or 20 years. The federal gov- Social Security, which exposes the This is the true private solution.
ernment cannot continue to spend lie that your contributions are set Your money has never been safe in
a trillion dollars more than it collects aside and saved. After all, if your the government’s hands and it
in revenue each year because we contributions are really set aside for never will be.
are running out of creditors. Fiscal your retirement, the money is there
reality is setting in and the conse- earning interest, right? If your mon- By Ron Paul (R) Texas

HUMAN BEINGS WILL SPLIT INTO TWO


Humanity may split into two sub- squarer jaws, deeper voices and Physically, they would start to
species in 100,000 years' time as bigger penises. Women, on the appear more juvenile. Chins would
predicted by HG Wells, an expert other hand, will develop lighter, recede, as a result of having to
has said. smooth, hairless skin, large clear chew less on processed food.
Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry eyes, pert breasts, glossy hair, and There could also be health prob-
of the London School of Econom- even features, he adds. Racial lems caused by reliance on medi-
ics expects a genetic upper class differences will be ironed out by cine, resulting in weak immune
and a dim-witted underclass to interbreeding, producing a uniform systems. Preventing deaths would
emerge. race of coffee-coloured people. also help to preserve the genetic
The human race would peak in the However, Dr Curry warns, in defects that cause cancer.
year 3000, he said - before a de- 10,000 years time humans may Further into the future, sexual
cline due to dependence on tech- have paid a genetic price for rely- selection - being choosy about
nology. ing on technology. Spoiled by one's partner - was likely to create

RECUSE YOURSELF!
People would become choosier gadgets designed to meet their more and more genetic inequality,
about their sexual partners, caus- every need, they could come to said Dr Curry.
ing humanity to divide into sub- resemble domesticated animals. The logical outcome would be two
species, he added. Social skills, such as communi- sub-species, "gracile" and "robust"
The descendants of the genetic cating and interacting with others, humans similar to the Eloi and
upper class would be tall, slim, could be lost, along with emotions Morlocks foretold by HG Wells in
healthy, attractive, intelligent, and such as love, sympathy, trust and his 1895 novel The Time Machine.
creative and a far cry from the respect. People would become A recuse law — if you, as a class of activity protected by the votes because legislators taking
"underclass" humans who would less able to care for others, or Courtesy BBC News congressperson, senator, assem- First Amendment. money from unions would have to
have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, perform in teams. blyperson, county supervisor or The only viable way to ensure recuse themselves from all pro-
squat goblin-like creatures. other elected, take any money from that office holders’ cast votes based posed labor law legislation. Our
But in the nearer future, humans an organization, then you should be on policies’ merits rather than the lawmakers would find themselves
will evolve in 1,000 years into required to recuse yourself from gross campaign contributions re- deciding early to not take big corpo-
giants between 6ft and 7ft tall, he every vote which relates to or af- ceived from one side of the issue or rate contributions, lest they be seen
predicts, while life-spans will have fects that organization. the other, therefore, is to ensure as ineffective for not voting on a
extended to 120 years, Dr Curry The Supreme Court has recently that those who take money sit out a substantial number of matters be-
claims. ruled that the money flowing from vote when that contributor’s legisla- fore them.
Physical appearance, driven by corporations, for example, to the tion is put forth.
indicators of health, youth and U.S. Congress cannot be stopped With regard to minimum wage, a By Dr. L. Wayne Gertmenian,
fertility, will improve, he says, while because political participation via recuse law would mean that unions Professor of Economics at Pep-
men will exhibit symmetrical facial campaign contributions is part of a could no longer buy legislative perdine University
features, look athletic, and have