Hello. I am sitting in a place that I find aesthetically and sentimentally pleasing, listening to songs about Easter. Go figure.

We’ve just left the Christmas and New Year’s holidays, and I am already four months into the future. I have been meaning to write. It’s a sorry thing to neglect one’s journalling for food, and extra sleep, and time with friends, I suppose. On New Year’s eve I was shocked and pleased to celebrate with a friend who now lives far away, although our connection lay in the confines of our cell phones. I told a few people, “New Year’s eve was a bit sad, but meaningful.” I am the kind of person to put meaning into things. If I don’t find any, I insert my own, and invariably discover things. I am right-brained—a quality that has been both the pain and joy of my existence—but I usually make peace with it. If I’ve learned anything about personalities, it’s that people shouldn’t be wholly judged by them. So I don’t judge myself by it that often. What I do think is ESSENTIAL in this life is an inner sanctum; I call it my “inner life.” It’s the life that is quiet and secret, and the life that comes out in my journal and in the prayer times in my car. It emerges in crisis (sometimes unthankfully) and in moments of sheer joy. I store up thoughts and goals and dreams and ideas and questions in my “inner man.” And I relish it very much. I once thought I could or should become a hermit. I found some people that I could share my inner life with, but mostly received puzzled or embarrassed looks from anyone else I tried to present it to. The Lord Christ encouraged the SECRET acts of goodness and prayer. This setting is pleasing to God because of its privacy. This was sometimes a consolation to me. I think I am coming to the place in my life where I will pause before trying to explain or justify why I do the things I do to maintain inner sacredness. Does it have to do with my personality? Absolutely. I find it easier to be quiet than loud at times. Does it have to do with my beliefs? Absolutely. There are things still sacred—the Lord is Spirit and communes with me in mine—but I don’t expect everyone to understand this. It’s a realization I think I’ve had to come to. After attempts at things that have failed, and relationships that have been strained, I’ve had to retreat into the inner life to keep from the dizziness of it all. I abhor facing the reality that no, this person really didn’t know me well at all… and sometimes I have blamed the inner man for this. Why does she keep things hidden-- until she deems it the appropriate time, or search for the precise words, or songs, or scriptures to sum up a thought or circumstance? Why must she struggle? But this is futile, my friends. To fight one’s personality is to fight with the Lord God. I believe that I will always wrestle in my conscience because I am yet mortal. Yet I have the Spirit that hovered over the emptiness of pre-time living in me! I have a glorious hope! And I have the Son of God as my confidant when I feel I cannot trust the beguiling world. If I could only tell you the comfort He has been to me in times of darkness. Selah.

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